BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 317 - Moo-Free

Episode Date: May 28, 2025

This week, Phil and Pierre talk Ancient Egyptian mummification, the decline of reading as a popular pastime and stumble upon some of the twee-est tat to date. Remember to send in your Phavourite Phil moments (Phoments) for next week! - Email [e-mail] or DM @budpodofficial on Instagram. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don't forget that Bud Pod Live is on as part of the Cheerful Eeriful podcast festival in October on the 12th. The pre-sale tickets are running out. There are only maybe a quarter of them left. So if you want some delicious pre-sale tickets at a lovely Bud Pod discount, you better get on it because they're running out. Otherwise, we will see you in October at the Clapham Grand. it because they're running out. Otherwise we will see you in October at the Clapham Grand. It's episode 317. 317. We've never been. Oh, interesting. You are just in Egypt. We've never been. We've never been. People do say that. Yeah, we've never been. They look at it, Pana. We've never been. Have we? Haven't we? Because of your fear of pyramids. Have we? Haven't we?

Because of your fear of pyramids. We've never been to Egypt. We've never been to Cambodia. Jeff's triangulophobic. We've never been. You can't see a pyramid without throwing up. To any of Mexico or some parts of the countries just to the south of Mexico. You would have thought if the pyramids were stepped, Jeff would be all right because it's

less of a triangle. But he says it's just a pixelated triangle. He says it's just a Minecraft triangle. It's just looks like a triangle where you zoomed in too far on an old phone. Which ones do you prefer out of the pyramid? The smooth Egyptian ones or the Steppy South American ones? Ooh. The Steppy South American ones are so cool and frightened me more. Interesting.

I think it's because they were used as active buildings as opposed to big tombs. Okay. You know. So their utility is scary. Yeah, because they're tearing out hearts and beheading kids and kicking their head down the steps just for the sake of some corn and things.

And everyone's like, the corn's not gonna come unless those kids' heads bounce. It's good luck to get some child blood spray on your face from the sacrifice. And these horrifying buildings with, and like they're covered in these like unknowable, well not unknowable, but like, you know, hieroglyphics and calculations.

And it's that combination of like, that kind of unsettles you where you sort of go, these are guys with advanced enough maths to predict eclipses 2000 years from when they were alive. And yet again, and yet the bouncing head child blood. Yes, as well. Being advanced in something doesn't make you nice. They think the bouncing child heads is why they're good at math. That's how intractable this problem is. They think it's like Adderall.

Their study drug is the blood of the sacrifice, the captive children from other tribes, other groups. Yeah. So I think I find them. Is that what is that just what happens when jocks are good at maths? You get the, you get the Aztecs predicting the stars and then kicking children's heads. Goths maybe. Yeah. So the Egyptian pyramids are more sort of striking. They creep me out more though. Cause it's a tomb.

They're so ancient. It's a tomb and you're afraid of mummies. And I think them having no practical, real practical purpose is creepier to put that much effort and time into something that was almost entirely symbolic is way creepier to me. It's much creepier about. Yeah, that's true. Is it? You know, it's like, why are you doing this? Why have you brought in these thousands of slaves and hurled these rocks impossible distances and they're all of an impossible weight? You've created this, the largest building on earth in history. Oh, well, you know, it's cause it represents, represents. I'll lose my mind. I, as a kid, I remember finding it really annoying and disappointing that

if you did a cross section of a pyramid, it was just mainly just solid. Yes, I found that quite annoying. Yeah, you want there to be a whole city in there. Yeah, totally. Whereas instead they were like, no, no, it is is a lump. It's a lump with a corridor and the corridor goes to a little room with a dead guy and a bunch of his stuff You have one the rest is just bricks really and they go. Yeah. Yeah, I kind of annoyed me I wanted there to be a kind of and then there's a fuse box and then that's Fuse box gas meter

The electricity meter on the outside. It's a bit of a nice quite annoying when you need to do a reading They're not next to each other it's a whole thing it's from annoying when you need to do a reading. They're not next to each other, it's a whole thing. It's from the era, from the high period of lower Egypt. But I have been to the pyramids of Giza and the Valley of the Kings. I went to film a fun video series for Pharaoh, Total War. And in the Valley of the Kings, you go in to... We're under the tomb of Ramesses III, I can't quite remember now. One of the big boys.

And because it's been in darkness for thousands of years, all the paint is preserved. So you look at the paintings of snakes and the scales are still like glistening and they're still sort of blue along the body. And I just started... And in Tutankhamun's tomb, there's pictures of like frogs all around. And you think these frogs have been here looking at this dead boy, day in, day out, night after night, for thousands of years, the sun has risen and set on these frogs looking at this boy every night for thousands of years. And it just made me go,

for thousands of years. And it just made me go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I know that thing where you go, by the time Christ was born, the frogs had been looking at the dead boy for a thousand years. And you just throw up immediately and shit yourself. It's just so horrifying scale.

This paint has been stuck on that bit of wall for that much time. It's mind boggling, but incredible. I think Valley of the Kings is cooler than the pyramids, to be honest. I think so too. Especially because if you look at the pyramids, they aren't right next to a load of like

horrible urban sprawl. Well, this is the most depressing thing I learned during my time in Cairo. The best view of the pyramids is just outside McDonald's. Yeah. There's a McDonald's near Giza and they're like, stand there, that's actually the best view of the pyramid.

It's fucking mad. It's, um, I, do you see they found another like amazing Pharaoh tomb in the Valley of the Kings? Oh, right. Cause they just saw something that looked a bit like steps and then followed them. Wow. You just think- This is recent.

Yeah. Gosh. In the last year. Gosh. You just look at it and go, sorry, have we not done all of the valley of the, have we not fully looked into this? What are you talking about? So nothing they can just put in the ground. Can they just put like an iPhone on the ground at this point and run an app? Is there not enough interest in

fucking pharaohs to like mummies and think, come on. That's what I mean. Yeah. It's so strange. I mean, obviously it's a big area and it's the desert. So people just can't be bothered. But it is weird that Egypt doesn't just have like a tomb raider squad and that's all they do. Cause every time they find one, it must represent another whatever million dollars. Of tourism, yeah.

Or renting it to like museums that aren't in Egypt. Airbnb, Airbnb, the new tomb. Airbnb, the new tomb. Airbnb, the new tomb. Man, the cleaning up you have to do at the end of that. Jesus God, yeah. Wrap all the bandages back onto the mummy, please, before you check out.

You have to use a hook to put your own brain back in through your nose. Leave the keys outside in the cursed box. So it's so funny to like, to get you ready for the afterlife. They were like, well, he needs all his stuff because he's taking, he's literally is taking it with him. But there's all this goop in his brain. We'll scrape that out.

You don't need that. He doesn't need all this idiot porridge. You'll need his favorite cat, but he does. Favorite cat. He'll need all these slaves who we're going to strangle now. Although the brains they put like next to them in. I just threw that away. The canopic just had their organs in. I thought the brain goo, they're pulling it out with a hook. That's not going anywhere. Yes. That's right. The organs were in jars. The

brains. Did they not keep those? I don't think so. Those away. They thought you thought with your heart. That's true. So it's amazing that if they were right, they're just, the Pharaoh is arriving just like, but just with no brain, but he's got a cat and he's got servants, but his brain's been scraped out. It's an idiot. Another idiot king out from Egypt. How are they in such an advanced civilization? Every king we get up here is like, maybe that's the answer. It's like satire. No brain as a king. And then you can,

they just leave you alone to get on with things. Yeah. It's like aire. It's just no brain as a king and then you can, they just leave you alone to get on with things. Yeah. It's like a kind of funny little point they're making. Well speaking of foreign lands, last night I was at a book awards Pierre, but it was for international books. Yes. I was at the international Booker prize because I am international.

It's true. And I've read three books and they invited me. They were so impressed. You're a man between 25 and 40. So reading three books has put you in the top 0.0001% of your... Well, here's what they threw a whole bunch of fun stats at us. 50% of all readers of translated books,

as in translated English, 50% of those readers are under the age of 35. It's amazing. It's a booming genre, the translated book, but this is the bit that I thought was controversial. The prize money for the winning translated book is split 50-50 between the author and the translator. LH- Interesting. split 50-50 between the author and the translator. Interesting. Now, I'm not, obviously the translators

do very important, skillful work, but if I'm an author one of those books, I'm a little peed off. If I'm completely honest, Pierre, I'm a little peed. I think it should depend on me. I'm a little pears. That's like if you made White Lotus and half the money went to the people who did the subtitles for me, that's what they would feel similar.

I don't know. It's obviously it's much harder to do pros translating than subtitling. Yeah. I'm being, I'm being facetious. I think that's, I, I think that that's probably right. You think half and half is right. Yeah. Or 60 40 60, 60% to give a and half is right? Yeah, 60, 40.

60% to give a nod to the fact that like, well, the book exists because you've done it. I think, yeah, it needs to be at least Brexit. 52% to the author, 48% to the translator. It should get, if you really wanted to fuck people off, but in my opinion, be more honest about it, it should be like 80, 20 in of the author. If the book was originally in like French or Dutch, it should be a sliding scale. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Depending on the language translate Mandarin. It's like, yeah. 90% of the translator. Yeah. Well, you translated

from a language that doesn't have tensors. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I think this guy's a pretty good writer. Yeah. Okay. Well, it's Whereas like if it's from German. Come on. Really? If it's from an Indo-European language with the same alphabet, it's 80-20. Yeah. Indo-European with a different alphabet. Okay.

Now the winner, the winner last night was a book called Heartlamp, which is translated from Canada. Oh. Which is an Indian language, which I never heard of. And so I think in that case, Canada with a K, K-A-N-N-A-D-A. And I think then 50-50. Yeah, that sounds about right. Is it Indo-European or is it one of those very niche Indian languages you get where it's technically like a type of Persian? Well, no, no, that's Indo-European. Technically it's a type of like Dravidian. Oh, I have no idea.

If, if, if language is derived from sounds from Sanskrit, is that Indo-European? Generally. Yeah. I think that is, I think that's what it means, which is one of the fucked up things about Finnish is that like, you know, English is more related to Hindi than it is to Finnish. Is that true?

Yeah. Finnish is non Indo-European. Wow. Look at you. Canada is a Dravidian language. I fucking knew it. I got you baby. I told you. Yeah. Finnish is non-Indo-European. Wow. Look at you. Canada is a Dravidian language. I fucking knew it. I got you, baby. I told you. Yeah. Felipe's just been sick. He's so impressed. He's thrown up.

He's covered in vomit at my linguistic knowledge. Wow. Well done, man. So, okay. So that's, that's, that's big points because that's non-Indo-European and non-Western alphabet and it's niche, Dravidian is fucking niche. Obviously not in India where there's literally millions of speakers, I'm sure, but still for us. So South India is mostly Dravidian derived languages. Yeah, they got pushed South. Very good.

By that case, I feel like 50-50, fair. But there are a couple of books there that are translated from French. I'm thinking, come on, come on. I'll do that. Come on. Cetrébonne, I can figure that out. It's very good. Oh, Specifique. I think that should be specific in English. Fuck off, fuck off. Although, to be fair, I was reading a book that was originally in French the other day

and I think that the translator fucked up. Oh. They were trying to say that like this local guy who died was like extremely posh rich landowner in France, this is all in France. But he'd been very like beloved in a way that's like really un-French, right? You're supposed to chop everyone's head off if they own lots of land, if they're an old family. But this guy had been so charismatic and nice that everyone

had sort of loved him. He made the cut. Yes. Or didn't, so to speak. Oh yeah. And so in the original, it was like as if he was their seigneur. Right? And the seigneur is like a kind of land-ownocrat. Right. So like, but in English, especially in British English, the equivalent to that would be like, oh, but they loved him as if he had really, really had

been their local. And then really, I think that it should be like, like Lord, or maybe squire, or it depends on what era of British aristocracy, but they translated it as like night or something. I was like, no, that's not right. Why is night wrong, but squire right? The night. A squire would be more like a kind of landowner who's like generous with his peasants.

Okay. Do you know? Like the village loves him because he pays for the scrumpy at the May Day Pole festival. Whereas a night forces you to pick turnips or he'll cut your head off. Well, a night is more just like a military thing or like an order of chivalry anyway.

Like it doesn't necessarily come with regional authority. Okay. It's not quite the same. It's not right. I thought knights were given bits of land. Yeah, but if you get a big enough bit of land, it's like, well then you'll be like a lord of the land. You're not a knight of the land.

It's the house of lords, not the house of knights. So it just wasn't the right word. Are you gonna send in a complaint? I considered it and then I thought, if I open this door, I will never leave my house and I'll become one of those reclusives who just sends complaint letters. That's your future, that's your future.

You're gonna end up there eventually. Might as well stave it off. Yeah, I know it's coming. My future is to be, the only reason my fingernails aren't really long is because I wear them down by typing angry emails. Like the way that rats keep their teeth short by annoying. What was the winner?

What was the winner land? Heart lamp. Heart lamp. Heart lamp. Not heartland. Not heartland. What was it about? It's a collection. Was it about intergenerational trauma? I imagine at least some, because a collection of short stories.

And I imagine... So one of them is going to be... One of them is going to be intergenerational trauma. Let's be honest. Let's be very honest. Okay. Let's be very honest. But it looks real good. The International Booker will award a collection of short stories, the Booker will not. This is what I learned. Because one of the reasons I heard is that the novel is not necessarily the go-to format for literature in other countries and other cultures.

And so the more open, the International Booker more open to collections of short stories. That seems like an odd little cop out. Why? Well, you're sort of going like, well, obviously in our culture, we think that this is a lot of shit, but for you people, it seems nice.

So we'll let you in. Yeah, I do. I think you've got to be consistent. I think you should allow short stories in English too. Because you're going, in our culture, we don't see collections of short stories as valid at. Cause you're going in our culture, we don't see collections of short stories as valid at all. But for you people it's fine. And we won't let in books of short stories from England cause we don't want to

start that. We don't want to let that become legitimized. Right. Yeah. There's an air to that. There's an air of that. You could look at it that way. Also wasn't the first novel Japanese. Ever. Yeah. I think so. Tale of Genji? Oh. Is it? Tom Holland's been wanging on about that.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, but I don't know. Look, I don't know enough to say. I presume they know more about books than me. It's quite difficult to read Western literature from before we decided what plot was. Yeah, what was the great invention with the novel? People just hadn't had written a long story before.

No, they had. In Europe, Don Quixote was the first, right? Is that right? The first European novel. I think that's probably the first of early modern, like example of a novel. But what was the great breakthrough? I don't understand. Well, mass literacy.

Like everyone needs to be able to read. Because before then, everyone had lots of stories with long things that they liked, but they were poems or songs. Just orally handed down. Yeah, well, they were written down, but you weren't expected to go and read them in the library. You'd be having dinner and someone would come

and sing a bit at you. So Don Quixote is the first one where people like, this person's written a story down. Go and read it. And you can buy copies of it. I think so. But you people like, Beowulf wasn't like available in a store near you

because no one could read. Like Charlemagne couldn't really read. And he was the emperor of most of Western Europe. His literacy was not great, famously. Jock. Jock King. Yeah. Another Jock King. Emperor of most of Western Europe. Oh, yes literacy was not great famously jock jock King Another jock King himbo the original himbo Charlemagne He'd have a lot you'd have a lot to talk about with those old pharaohs with the brain scooped out. That's it Yeah, they're hanging. It's playing basketball in heaven

Yeah, so Yeah. So, um, if you like, when I would read the sort of sagas or some of the stories from like old Norse or some of the Anglo-Saxon stuff, they don't have any idea of like a plot is when you have a character in a situation, a crisis arises, they have to overcome the crisis. There is a resolution. There's no, they don't just this and then this and then this it's it's stuff in a row and they have no problem with digression. Yes, right. Because they go, well, that's just what happened, you know, stuff that's like life, isn't it? And you go, yeah, but that's not what we think.

So you'd be reading something about some adventurers going through Russia, some Vikings, and there'd be this long bit where they just go off to kill a giant for no reason. And they just go and they found the giant, they killed them. Anyway, so they went back to the river and you go like, well, it was just for now, it was literally just to describe them killing it. There's no fucking meaning or bearing. There was no plot development. It had no effect on the characters. They're glad they killed the giant. Nothing else. And these are these, these are epics. So I guess, right? These epics, like the Scandinavian

ones. It's like when you hear people who aren't used to telling anecdotes, telling anecdote, there's no real structured idea of what details to leave in or leave out. So you're left kind of guessing at like, well, how much should I be paying attention to this bit? Sure. Because if I expended all my energy paying attention to the bit where you killed that giant, I'd be fucking lost.

Sure. Sure. Sure. It's it's yeah. So gradually the- So the intention of the novel was someone going, well, I'll just tell them these bits. And the irony is that all the Greek plays had really good structure. I don't know if that stuff just had to get rediscovered by when, in the early modern period when everyone started getting educated, not just monks, where people just went, hey,

Homer said things should always happen in five acts and have a resolution. Maybe we do that. It just worked because that is how even movie scripts are structured now. So maybe it was a rediscovery of these principles. Yes, yes, yes. But if people can't read, there's no point in writing a novel, even if you want to. Doesn't, you're just there in a monastery.

You need people to be able to read. That's why I think people in this country should be taught to read. You're very pro being able to read. You're very pro at being able to read. I'm very pro at being able to read and I'm pro in forced reading. I think everyone should be forced to read more. How would you police that? Just guns, just barrels of guns.

How much? How much do people have to read? It's like a kind of syllabus of things that we'll choose. I'm not going to be- It's a national reading list. Yeah. I'm not going to be perverse and like force everyone to read Tristram Shandy or something like the first sort of comic novel in English.

Okay. From the 1700s, which if you read it, there's bits that are, if you, in my case, try to read it, there's bits where you go, ha ha, and there's bits where you go, this, I'm so bored. It's so old fashioned. I want to shoot myself. But you know, there's some stuff everyone should, this, I'm so bored. It's so old fashioned, I wanna shoot myself. But you know, there's some stuff everyone should have read. Yeah, right, okay.

We'll decide what that is. But the police will come and shoot you if you haven't done your reading, that's what I think. And is there a deadline, but you have to read it, finish your book by? But you just always have like a TV license. When they turn up, you need to be reading. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's it. We've got a van that drives around. It can sort of, it's top secret technology, but we can sense if you're reading. I really do think that every time I sort of get my shit together enough to read on, because I read on my phone. Yeah. I don't know how you do that. Makes me feel very sick. You have to train yourself to. So you read books on your phone, don, I don't know how you do that. It makes me feel very sick.

You have to train yourself to. So you read books on your phone, don't you? Yeah. I've seen you read a book on your phone in the front seat of a car. Front seat, yes, can't do it in the back seat for too long. Or I will throw up all over myself. Front seat, I've trained myself to do it.

It's when I was doing tour support for Frank just before the pandemic. He was just in the back of a car for so long, so often, you just think, I have to get used to this. It's very handy. I can't, I feel sick within like a minute of reading. It's a good skill. I can't do it. But when I do, when I do actually get my shit together enough to read, I can, I can, it's like,

I can feel vegetables going through my eyes into my brain. Yeah. I've been making myself read on the tube instead of listening to podcasts and all looking at my phone and it feels fantastic. It's much better for you. Even like, even walking around listening to music, you don't have thoughts. I've been, oh really? Yeah. I think that is better than podcasts because at least there isn't a literal conversation

happening in your head that's taking place of your own conversations. I now will force myself to, if I'm just going to the gym or the shop, I will not take my headphones. I have to force myself to just listen to the thoughts in my head and the birds in the sky. The gym with no headphones is rough. Well, I've got my PT there.

You got a guy to talk to. I've got to listen to my PT miscount my pushups. Oh, that makes me, that makes me furious. Does he do that? He's such a sweet guy, cannot count. And so I'll have to remind him, he got eight and so my next push will be like, it's 12 actually! Do you think he's doing it deliberately? Does he do the one for good luck? No, he'll just go, Oh, really? Is it 12?

And go, yes. Oh, and then I shit myself. And he goes, well, you've shit yourself. So I guess it must be 12. That's when that happens. Yeah. Yeah. But I, I, I did a bit on this on the podcast that David or dirty does. What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Very good podcast. I've been on a podcast that David Odoti does.

What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Very good podcast, I've been on it. Great podcast. And under the clip on Instagram, loads of comments from PT saying, I can't count either. So I guess it looks like it's a thing.

That's such a funny, like, embraced stereotype. Now, last, last, and the last week, we left on the bombshell that I'm saying farewell. You're sailing to the land of the elves or whatever it's called. Yeah, I'm saying farewell to Bud Pod. I'm getting in that weird ship at the end of Lord of the Rings. That seems to be sailing into just the sun. Is actually just more, it's actually just middle earth use of euthanasia. They're telling Bilbo is a different island. They're going, yeah, it's an island. All the elves are there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fit ones. Oh, only the fittest Bilbo. All the fittest ones. Whereas in reality, the whole council has gone, the longer we keep this fucking guy around, the more things seem to go wrong. OK, now I can't prove he did the whole ring thing deliberately. In reality, when the boat goes over the horizon, just drops off the face of the of the Earth, the Middle Earth, as they get closer and closer to that light, it's just a sort of permanent nuclear explosion like the sun and they just get high over and they just get dissolved.

just a sort of permanent nuclear explosion like the sun. And they just get high over and they just get dissolved. So that's what's happening to me. I'm being shipped off into the sun. You're wearing only white versions of the clothes you wear on stage. And it looks like you're being filmed through Vaseline. You're all blurry and sort of highly lit. Oh gosh, this is my last two

sort of normally recorded podcasts. Yes, yes. highly lit. Oh gosh. This is my last two sort of normally recorded podcasts. Yes. Yes. And I'm, I'm, I'm doing my very best to leave the best impression, the best memory for all the podbots. I want, I want the podbots to remember me on the podbots to remember me like their duvet wife, Pierre. These are my duvet wife moments. Yes. This is when you use these giggling, rolling, sunlit sheets. Sun drenched sheets. And I'm smiling at Pierre and smiling at the pod buds at something. No one knows what's so funny. I'm laughing in the sunny sheets.

You're like kind of biting your fingernail. And you're sort of laughing, you're playing some sort of game, which just involves like kind of prodding people under a duvet. You're laughing as hard as anyone has ever laughed. To sort of an insane, sort of insane degree of joy and laughter. It looks like I'm laughing because I've gone insane, because I can't get out of the duvet and I've been there for years Yeah, do they wife? I'm the duvet wife. Yeah, and the sunlight is so bright. It's almost as if it's just an enormous set lamp Being blasted at a white sheet with an actress under it. Yes that kind of sunshine

Yes, very good. Well, yeah, and and that's yeah, so just that must feel weird to have Yes, very good. Well, yeah. And that's, yeah. So just that must feel weird to have, you know, a couple of weeks and you're going to have to get your microphone and mic stand and hang it above your fireplace like an old soldier. Oh yeah. Until, until like a zombie apocalypse happens or the country's invaded and I have to come out of retirement and podcast about the invasion. Yes. And I say, son, get me my mic. And they say, they run over to the fire. And then like in the family for years, there's been rumors about whether it's just like a replica or if it's been working, if it's been loaded, is it loaded? Has it been decommissioned? Yeah. You know, the trigger has been deactivated

and things like that. The record button's been deactivated. Taken out and sealed and made solid. So it's technically memorabilia, it's not actually a weapon anymore in the eyes of the law. Well, speaking of memorabilia, shall we read some correspondence? Yes. Let's get started. Let's get started. Let's get started. Let's get started. Let's get started.

Let's get started. Let's get started. Let's get started. Let's get started. Let's get started. Let's get started. Let's get started. Let's get started. Let're for moments. Yes. Sign a sign. I'm leaving school. Please come and sign my shirt.

Yes. Use a half dried felt tip to scrape your name onto Phil's thin shirt. Carve your name into my belly. Yes. Right. Right. A in-joke that will be baffling or offensive within two years of actually being an adult at university. offensive within two years of actually being an adult at university. My favorite leaving school last day of school messages were from people who you didn't know very well, but you all felt obliged to write on each other's shirts. And you're like, great knowing you have a good time at university. Yeah. Or just like, hey, keep having lunch.

Lunch guy. Keep waking up every day. Hey, keep doing lessons. Or lectures, I guess you'd call them soon. Disgusting. So we've been sent a really horrible fucking thing from Claire. Claire! How dare Claire write to us.

So how dare she? Imagine an object, Phil, right? So this, oh, I'm imagining a little pot. You're not far wrong. So this object is a chocolate Christmas pudding. A Christmas pudding made entirely out of chocolate covered in chocolate. No, like with chocolate, like flavor. Okay.

Chocolate flavor in the, in the cake in the spot. I guess. Okay. So I guess they mean a chocolate cake in the cake, in the sponge. I guess. Okay. So I guess they mean a chocolate cake in a lump with fucking fruit in it or whatever. Yeah. Along those lines.

It's labeled moo free. Oh! Instead of non-dairy. Yuck! Too cute. Oh, I'm moo free, because if I have moo I have diarrhea yeah for legal reasons it does say dairy free in the corner in quite somber font so you they've had to write it anyway free isn't a wacky font uh no free oh that's

disgusting oh I can't have any moo I'd rather kill a cow myself than read that. I'll count on fun of them. I'll say moo while I decapitate a cow. Now this cows move free because it's dead. I'll say to them all it's moves have bled out through this great in here in the abattoir. Yes. All it's moo is goo. Now In here in the abattoir, yes? All it's moo is goo now. The moos are goos. The moos are oozing out of this cow. Yeah.

See, I can do what I can do. You are more literary. Moo free, crimbo choccy put. I didn't think it could get worse than moo free. It gets even worse after this. Crimbo choccy put. Crimbo choccy Pud. Crimbo Choccy Pud.

Fucking grow up. Grow up. Is this a post burial Egyptian king that has come up with this? Is this a pharaoh with a brain? Crimbo Choccy Pud. Just with this echoing hollow skull. No, I think it's worse than that. I think it's someone who has decided that talking like a baby is what makes them a fun person.

It makes them sort of approachable. Yeah. Or it speaks to the inner life of most Brits who think like this in their head, but don't speak it out loud. Uchi uchi poo poo talk. Yuck. Also, it's that thing of like, well, I won't be fun. I won't do anything fun and I won't relax. I'm actually very highly strong, but I'll talk like this and that will create the kind of illusion of fun. Like, like, like rationed coffee. That's actually half a corn powder. I'll sort of create the impression of coffee.

Yeah, right. With that I have no access to the resource of fun. So I'll create a kind of ersatz fun through my speech, but I will remain a very, very uptight person. This is fun speech, but it's cut with a lot of neuroticism. And then tension. Yeah. And tension.

The tension of the strictest primary school teacher. Chucky Pood. Someone on the verge of a screaming nervous breakdown talks like this. What brand of Pood is this? Who's done this to us? I can't really make it out. It's Crimbo Chucky Pood.

It's anonymous. And then it's all killing, it's all slaying, it's all crimes of this magnitude. And then he says for dairy dodging Christmas Chucky Chompers. Oh my God. It just kept keeps going. I just think that this is the kind of thing should be illegal. I'm not even joking.

It's like it's like I've been in the Simpsons is like, stop. He's already dead. So can you read the whole thing? Moo free, crimbo Chucky Pud for dairy dodging Christmas Chucky Jumpers. Fucking hell. Fuck me. I've got anger in my legs. Yuck.

My legs are angry. You know when anger is just like in your quads? If someone talked like that at the window of a car that was slowing down while I was walking down the street, I'd be like, I'm about to be murdered. Hrk. Hrk. Hello there.

Would you like some Muffrey Crumbo Chucky? That teeth is covered in chocolate. I think it's chocolate. I imagine the person who talks like this to look like long legs. Who's long legs? Nicholas Cage, horror film, long legs. Oh, I've never seen this.

Okay, well look up long legs. That's who's saying this. Oh, hello there. It's something about the way Michael Jackson would talk about kids. Well, look up long legs. That's who's saying this. Oh, hello there. Hello. It's something about the way Michael Jackson would talk about kids. Mm. It's move free.

Shut up. Really, really disgusting. Thank you, Claire. Thank you, Claire. That was all horrible. And Ali has also sent in something absolutely vile, which is, so it's a baby, a baby grow. And yeah, that's the, like the one piece bit of clothing.

Yeah. The baby one piece. And this is written in fucking insane multicolored font with a bunch of cartoon elephants on the front. You know, they're really throwing everything at this to be like baby things, baby clothes. This is not for adults to wear. If you're an adult, do you not buy this to wear? Something that babies wear. I confirm, okay, exclamation mark. The word confirm is on the baby-gro. It is, yeah.

In multicolored writing. I confirm. Cursive. Mom loves you. What? Massive letters. Daddy! Oh, okay, because it's a sex thing. No, it's not, wait, it gets twee actually, not like.

Oh, right, I thought- It's not one of those baby grows where like, for comedy you're making your child wear something called like, I did some cum and look what happened. Ugh, because I presume that's what it meant, is like, I am proof that my parents had sex at least once. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's a Tui version of,

it's, you think it's driving that way and it takes the highway off ramp to Tui town. So I confirm exclamation mark in the wrong place. Mom loves you, daddy. Then a bunch of fucking elephants for no reason. And then it says in multicolored writing, I recently saw her heart from inside. Oh Jesus.

That's disgusting. It's really visceral. That's not weird at all. I'm just seeing flesh and blood. If a child said, I saw your heart from the inside, it's time to call a priest. Satan get out of my boy. I saw her heart from the inside also.

Mommy looks different inside out. Oh, devil child. Kill it, kill it. Devil child. Kill it. Also like, A, no you didn't. You didn't have eyes.

Not unless there was a skylight in the womb. Yeah. Secondly, even if you did, well you saw my name or my face on the kind of beating meat in the darkness. Of the guts and heart of a what? If you're small enough and you can peer into someone's heart and there's like a slideshow going on in there.

Of what they like. Of what they like and what they love. Motorbiking and things. Like a projector. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little film going, well, mommy show loves daddy. Got in this film. I've seen it. Yeah. Like the baby's not in the womb, but sort of just floating around the woman's body and can just check out any,

any bit of the body at once. Yeah. It's, it's like, it's crawling through you like around you, like an adventure tunnel. It's just heads popping out the back of your mouth. Looking out like like looking someone looking out of a tank Get back down The baby's just there in your mouth No, you're freaking... Baby's fucking eyes lighting up like a cat in the dark. Oh, God! That's how you clear the crew in A Pranean Woman. You open the hatch and you drop a grenade inside, like a tank.

Baby starts scrambling out her ass. Sort of an ejection. Oh, fuck me. That's really horrible. Ghastly. That's really got me. Some really, a lot of really horrible imagery there. Thanks guys. Thanks everyone. We will see you guys next week and patrons, we will see you in a couple of days.

Yes y'all next week for my last non-live episode. Love you a lot. Bye bye. Bye.