BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 32 - BakePod!

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

Thirty poo! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie engage in some BAKE OFF CHAT! It’s a poopy start, beware. We are products of our parents’ anuses. PHIL WAS ON GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF EXTRA SLICE. He met a sexy baby and Stacey OBSEEEEEESSSSSED Dooley! Pierre is suspicious of public cakes and Phil hates huggers. Phil gets Baby Spice to admit her darkest preferences. We pick over Justin Trudeau’s blackface and brownface obsession and cancellation in general: WHAT’S IN YOUR CANCELLATION SURVIVAL PACK? In the correspondence we pay tribute to the SHAKESPEARE of podcasts: Adam Buxton. Bear buttplugs, shart and cancellation insurance, some poops and a REAL Hostel Horror Story! Also including Bake Off Innuendo and racist David Bowie. @thebudpod on Twitter or [e-mail] Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, it's 32! Episode 30-poo! Ooh, nice. Thank you, just bringing it back on... Bringing it back on brand. Bringing it back on brand. Back on brand, boy. Bring that brand back here!

Boy! Bring that brand back here! And how are your poos, Phil? My poos have been... Actually, well, this... My friend and comedian... My comedian and friend, this... So my friend and comedian, my comedian and friend, Rhys Nicholson is over from Australia. Your comedian and all of our friends.

And staying with me while he's here. And he's introduced... Okay. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I was just fiddling with some tech there. He's introduced you to what? Actually, I don't know if he wants me to tell people this. But he takes a fiber supplement and my poos um have been quite uh runny of late and so i tried this fiber

supplement and i think it is sort of packing them together properly really sort of webbing them up yeah i guess i don't need i'm not great at eating enough fiber. And a body as big as mine, that poos as much as mine, because it eats as much as mine, needs a lot of fiber to web everything up. Get it out of there. Yeah. It's like the casing for these sausages. That's what fiber is.

You're not eating the casing. It's just the sausage meat is just flying out. That's horrible. That is absolutely grotesque. It's an analogy I've been looking for for a while now, and I finally cracked it. It's like sausage, you poo sausage, and you need to eat some...

Sex. Some linings. Why don't... And you get the lining from cucumbers. Why don't you just really carefully place a Johnny over your anus? And shit into that. Now that's horrible. That's disgusting.

Welcome to episode 32. Yes, welcome, folks. It doesn't always get that horrible that quick, but you just had to get it out. Yeah. It's a diarrhea of openings. You just had to get it out. It had to come out.

It's full of poison. Yeah. These supplements, are they pills or a drink? It's like a powder. You scoop up some powder and you mix it with some water. I know of this. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that little supplement has made all that difference. I think so. But maybe at the end Rhys will go, there was nothing in there. That was just flour. It was in you. It was in you the whole time. You just had to believe in your anus.

Yeah. You've never had enough faith in your anus, Phil. I do think that's true. It's true. Poor little guy. He can never do anything right. It's because my father's anus was very hard on me. Look, we are all... We're all products of our parents' anuses.

We're all products of our mother and father's different anuses. I'm not good at biology, but I'm pretty sure that's true. I think I should have said, my father was very hard on his anus welcome we do have a good time speaking of good times I don't know if anyone watched Bake Off Extra Slice on Friday but if you did you might have noticed

A familiar anus Me, Phil Wang on there And it was a really fun show We talked about the latest episode Of Great British Bake Off And the other guests The other panellists on with me were Emma Baby Spice Bunton

Whoa So I've met a Spice now, Pierre. Is she the Union Jack one? No, she's not the Ukipi one. She's the baby one. She's one of the little blonde little pigtails. Oh, the slightly sort of creepy schoolgirl one. Yeah, and it's weird meeting her for the first time

as a sort of older mum figure because I know her as a baby a baby that maybe you want to have sex with one of those babies you want to fuck right men yeah there's the ginger one you want to fuck the sporty one you want to fuck

the scary one the one that fucks you and terrifies you and then there's the baby that you want to fuck and it's a baby one. Anyways, I met that one. She's got tattoos now. Really? Yeah, she's got a couple of tattoos on her wrist, on the inside there.

What would you call her now? Toddler Spice, at least. A Spilf. Terrible Two Spice. Or a Spice. What would it be? A skilf. A skilf.

Anyway. It would be a spice. I don't want to speak... Ill of the dead. Ill of someone I've met and who's actually very nice. That's fair. Well, let's say these tattoos. Oh, yeah.

What were they? Like names. It would be names of people who were Imported in her life Grandchildren By now I don't think she's quite that old You don't have to be old

You still have to have horny kids Okay so You've got a former sexy baby A former sexy baby. A former sexy baby. A former professionally sexy baby. And on the other side of me was none other than Stacey Obsessed Dooley. No. Yes.

Did she try and pick you up? Yeah, she picked me up and took a little photo with me. So once you fought her off from picking you up what was she like um uh yeah she was actually she's very nice uh yeah yeah that's that's i felt i felt bad i i almost wanted to say i'm sorry about what we said on the bad part we you probably you've probably heard. Yeah, it probably spread like wildfire through the world of celebrity. I can tell there's this tension between us because you're obviously a big Pod Bud.

She's going to do a documentary on poo now. Yeah. Obsessed with sewage. But that seems to be the way that's what you often hear from people that, oh, before you get into the arts or into entertainment, you have

all these strong views. And then almost everyone, when you meet them, is fine. Yeah. Like, people will say, never meet your heroes. But I also think, like, never meet your enemies or people you've made fun of on the podcast because they're always fine.

Yeah. They're always fine. Yeah, and it's always... There's that solidarity of going, we all just labor here on the content farm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just digging for content. And my turnips are a different color to your turnips of content,

but we're all just digging for content. Look, I had to use some of your content but we're all just digging to be like look i had to use some of your content to make my content yeah okay yeah what else was i gonna do i had to fertilize my content with some shit yeah that's it that is it um so what was the with the baking was it good baking um yeah yeah it's it's it's a fun show people a lot of people turn up a lot of bake-off fans turn up with cakes they've made at home right right and full of uh jizz for all i know full of jizz for all i know covered in jizz. The same. I would not eat a public cake.

Well, this is where you and I differ, Pierre, because I ate a chocolate and Vegemite brownie that I thought was delicious. Really? I thought it was delish. It made Baby Spice cry. She hated it so much. She started tearing up. Excuse me? What a baby! What an absolute baby! That's how she got her name. What a sexy baby! Why won't that sexy baby eat those brownies? Come on, you sexy baby!

She cried because of Vegemite? What? Yeah, she was tearing up. She was like choking. I could barely taste the vegemite i just thought it was a nice little salty kick wow it's delish but these crackers man they can't handle any kind of flavor yeah that's true uh honkies be crying but you know it's so brutal their selection process for these cakes yeah an extra slice i don't think there's like an application process or anything you just have to travel from fucking sheffield or wherever you live with your cake you've made that day you come down to the studio and you present it to them in the hopes that they go okay you can come and sit down in

the cakes bit oh wow then just hope that the show comes to you and talks to you about your cake when that bit of the show comes so it's like a brutal x factor for cakes it really is so you could have spent all this time this whole week planning designing this cake baking it making it packing it up carefully transporting it down to london carefully uh putting your spoof in the recipe carefully putting your your slimy slimy seed in the middle of the the donut for phil Wang to eat innocently and say it's delish. Yeah. And you could turn up and they just go, nah.

Whoa. They just go, nah. See, reality TV will find a way to be heartless. Oh, it's brutal, man. Even when it's about lovely little cakes. Lovely little English cakes. And there's some old lady there. Fuck you, old lady there fuck you old lady

life's hard, too bad your crumb is shit I've never seen such bad crumb I've only seen like two episodes I get the idea though yeah, I've seen a few now and I sort of understand yeah so what, okay so

Vegemite brownie, chocolate brownie yeah was there any other kooky combos? There was... Oh, yeah, there was a cake full of... nettles, stinging nettles. What? Yeah, you can cook nettles, apparently, and sort of...

I know if you boil them, the stingers go away. I presume this lady had at least done that. Oh, it's spicy. My mouth is bursting into sores. Oh, what's that? Szechuan peppers? Oh no, it's an allergic reaction. I have to go to hospital. 10 out of 10.

Some nettles, okay. That was a nettle cake that was quite mad. There was one cake in the shape of a gorilla oh a gorilla cake yeah a harambe cake yeah a harambe very good harambe or is that a cake full of pork ah very good thank you i thought you were going for, but you're actually going for the far more knowledgeable haram. Yeah, haram. Which is the Islamic word for not allowed. Forbidden. Forbidden.

Forbidden. The delicious forbidden fruits. Delicious. The pig. The worst fruit of all. The noisiest forbidden fruit there is. Yeah. Who presents it?

Joe Brand is the chair, I suppose. Oh! Would be the old-fashioned word for it. But Tom Allen comes on and does the cake bits. He goes and... Okay. So, Hall of Hollywood and Barry Mary. Barry Mary's gone.

She's been gone for a couple of series now. Her replacement is Prue Leith. Oh, they found another old lady. Yeah now. Her replacement is Prue Leith. Oh, they found another old lady. Yeah. I think I prefer Prue Leith. I think she's really cool. Lou Preece. That's her.

Last time I did it, or maybe the first time I did it, I was on with Prue Leith. And she's a really cool lady, actually. She's really fun. Yeah. And like, she's 79,

but she has more energy than me. Like, she's more turned on than I am. I think she enjoys life more than me. She's better dressed than I am. She's full of cake. She's just full of cake. Yeah. She needs a fiber supplement, maybe.

Well, she's old. She probably takes a fucking unbelievable amount of fiber supplement. She probably just dusts her cakes with it. Yeah, that's the icing sugar. It's just pure fibre supplements yeah she has those the little numbered boxes for your pills

but in each one is a little eclair like a mundane yeah and she's like she's like and this bake will result in a wonderful poo. Really good.

Really great. That's like if Bud Pod presented Bake Off. It was just Bake Off for turds. It's got a good crumb. I just cut into it here. Yep, that's good. Oh, God, that's disgusting. Even the rest is gross.

Is Jo Brand as Jo Brand as Jo Brand is when she's on TV being Jo Brand? She is. No, she's really cool. She's like, she won't give you a hug, which is great. I'm totally on. Like, I totally. I don't like when people like, hey. Jo's just like, hi, Phil.

Good to see you again. Well done. See you next time. Not like in a rude way, but just to the point. She was a nurse, you know. She has a priority straight. That makes sense. She knows what matters.

Let's just get on with it. Yeah. I like that. Yeah, I really like Joe Brandt. I like a hug, but only if the hug is clearly defined. I hugged some people recently, and they sort of seemed to want a hug, but a kiss, but an air kiss as well,

and a sort of hello, nice to meet you. Look, we've got to have a game plan going in. I remember when I first went to international school, when I went to start doing GCSEs, I'd gone from Malaysian school to go into this international boarding school where there are a lot of white people. Yeah.

And so they brought this sort of hugging thing and like friends would hug each other like oh I miss you and they hug and I come from Malaysia where people don't oh yeah show affection like that and I just thought it was so weird like why is everyone hugging get off get off me and like like girls as well and at well and at that age you want to be like yeah come on but even even then i was even as the horniest motherfucker in the world it's like respect my personal space adeline not like this not like this so it was good uh extra crust or whatever it is slice yeah yeah it's fun show it's just it's just a rare opportunity you get to go on tv and make jokes about uh um cakes with baby spice yeah it was funny i um the first couple of times i i was talking to her or i'm referring

to her i would call her baby come on baby don't be like that and like at first people were like ha ha ha but I kept doing it oh come on baby and people started going

it started to get a bit like creepy like a bit disrespectful and unpleasant and you're gonna be like you're the one who picked it as your fucking name you're the sexy baby come on baby

you're the sexy baby here what's her actual name? Emma Bunton. Emma Bunton, yeah. Baby Emma. Baby Emma, little Emma. She's a thing, baby Emma. Baby Emma.

Emma Baby Bunton. You should have just referred to her as Mrs. Bunton. My crowning glory was getting her to say, we were talking about nuts. Yeah. And they just talked about a meringue that had sweated because it had been baked inside the cake. So it had sweated. Right.

So it was a sweaty meringue. And then Emma Bunton was saying, oh, that's fine. I don't mind a sweaty meringue. As long as it doesn't have too many nuts on it. I don't like nuts. And then I said, what if they're sweaty? What if the nuts are sweaty, Emma? And then she said, no, I don't mind sweaty nuts.

And then she went, oh, no! And I punched my fist like, yes! And everyone lost their minds because Baby Spice had just talked about how much she loves sweaty nuts. And I know that's like every joke on Bake Off is about nuts or boobs or booze. Oh, this cake's a bit dildo

let's hope it's not bumming my family and everyone's oh touches their chin boop dee boo i know what you meant when you said dick up my vag there um it's like is it even double entendre when you're just saying dick balls oh this this cake's a real hard cock. But in that defense, I got a real kick out of getting Baby Spice to say she liked sweaty nuts. Yeah, to be fair, tricking a sexy baby into talking about how much they like sweaty nuts. I didn't realize it was a life goal. I don't know if you've ever realized a life goal and then done it. As you're doing it? Yeah, before, but it feels great.

Yeah, I think that's fair. Like when you perfectly time something without realizing. Yes. And it's like a hidden Xbox achievement. It comes up in the corner of your vision. Achievement unlocked. You've innuendoed a Spice Girl. My proudest ever...

I don't know how much this will mean to anyone, but when I was on the old Xbox 360, my greatest ever Xbox achievement was I was playing Grand Theft Auto 4 online. Oh, yeah? You're just shooting other people in Liberty City. Yeah. And I got one that...

Plunk, an Xboxbox achievement and it was uh like it had the rockstar symbol like it had the rockstar symbol and it was something like rockstar slayer or something and i clicked on it and it was an achievement for killing a member of the rockstar development team yes yes yes yes i so i'd killed someone who'd made uh grand theft auto yes which and i thought and i was i was very pleased they have that sometimes with call of duty i think as well where it's like really you got one of us yeah really you got like special dog tags that's really cool activision dog tags wow that's neat you did it yeah i did kill the rockstar they're so rich man rocks that i i visited i don't know if there's a place on the

outskirts of edinburgh called it's just called dean as in deanery right it's just called deanery it's just called dean or whatever it's like a tiny village and it's got this sort of huge sort of mansion in the middle and it like the head of rockstar just owns it. He just owns a small village. And he has a... He just has a castle on the island. It's not fair because he has the cheat codes for infinite money. He's got a tank and a jump jet appears. When he has to drive to a meeting, they just plonk,

and then land on the ground outside. Oh, I'm Paul Hollywood. Oh, no, that's from Liverpool. This cake's covered. It's got a very jizzy sauce. Oh, no, what have I said? I said jizzy. It's me no fielding.

That donut got a hole in it. I could put my penis in there. If you know what I mean. I'm Prue Leith and this, the crumb

the crumb on this is wonderful but it's a little bit dry vagina. It's a bit dry vagina, the crumb. Oh, no, not like that. It's me, Sandy Toxvig. Oh, what a wonderful week at the Bake Off tent. Oh, what a wonderful week at the Bake Off tent. Oh, look, we're going in through the tent hole. Squishing into the tent hole. And we're, oh, you're licking all that cream.

You look at all that cream on Jenny's cake. You lick it off as if it's boobs if you know my meaning oh that that that dome cake is round they put two of them together if you look at it from an angle it's like a bomb you could put your finger in between and it's a bum you put finger fuck a bum oh cheeky now this is a little out of date but i feel like it's still worth discussing because of how odd it is uh that that justin trudeau's there was there's he's done blackface and brownface um and one of them he's done twice and one of them he's done once that we know of he's um he's done full 50 shades of racist he hasn't done yellow face he's gonna he's gonna

he's done dulex color chart of of terrible mistakes what's that is it breakfast at tiffany's where mickey rooney is pretending to be japanese yeah yeah that's yellow face right yeah yeah he hasn't done he hasn't done that. Not yet, but he's still young. He's very young for a fact. He's got a lot of time ahead of him. Look, the thing is with a young world leader is that they have so much potential to do every different race. They uncovered a video.

Have you seen the video of him in Blackface? No. Yeah, he's there like, No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looking like whatever inand they have that uh yeah well what does that translate as black pete black pete yeah it's black pete in holland they have black pete and he just looks like that he's just like just just blacked up to the night

i mean if you if if you do that surely surely you go, that was fun. I mean, I can never run for prime minister. Yeah. I guess. Or you think, I really must ensure that none of my preppy rich friends repeatedly film and photograph me this thoroughly blacked up. So thorough. It's almost impressive. He's done the inside of his ears, it looks like.

Like, he's not fucking around he really isn't he's not doing like black and white minstrels where they just do their face yeah no no full body like he's not it doesn't look like he's trying to be like a clown version he's going like no no i'm coloring myself in with loads and loads of paint. I love this story. I think it's wonderful. I love it when a sort of hero, like a self-proclaimed self-social justice hero, is just uncovered as disgusting as the rest of us. And is torn down. Is torn down. And I don't want him to be cancelled or whatever.

I want people to go, oh yeah, even talented politicians who have done the right thing in some cases have also done pretty horrible things. And we can't expect purity out of even the people we like the most. So you're hoping that this, like every time this happens,

when it's someone like Trudeau, that it's like, this is the guillotining that will get the French revolutionaries to go, we really must just form a parliament. Yes, yes, yes, yes. So, okay. So you're hoping that the cancel culture will eat so many of its own children of the revolution.

Yes. That eventually they'll just go, okay, we're actually running out of people to admire now. Exactly. It's time to introduce some nuance. Yes, I want the revelation from these revelations about people's checkered past to be that we all are checkered and that we all make mistakes and we do terrible things and we should be allowed to move on. Well, that's an interesting point that I've read around the place, which is that the cancellation culture has no redemption.

Yes, and it's a point I've always tried to make, is that we like to think we love justice. Yeah. But justice is punishment followed by forgiveness. Yes. That's the full justice process. Yeah. We're really just into the punishment.

Yes. We're not into justice. We're into punishment. And it's amazing that often the people doing this endless punishment, like you get caught with something like this, your life should be over. Yeah. They would not say that about an actual criminal yes yes exactly they would be like well you know he mugged someone with a knife but that's five years in jail that's fine yeah and you're

like what you can't have both they're doing like the societal equivalent of like shunning of like a full execution yeah you have to go live in the woods now forever and yeah you would face a less harsh punishment if you'd actually murdered someone in our society it almost makes it worse that you've on top of doing bad things in life also done good things if you just done bad things yeah fair enough our feelings are more hurt yeah that you tried to that you knew enough to be good. It scares us because it implies being a human is complex and we hate that.

You've reminded us that we might be capable of doing bad and that we actually have also done bad. Yeah, and we're also terrified because now we secretly know what we're going to get cancelled for. Yeah. Do you have your um cancellation survival pack

ready i've i like my go bag yeah jason bourne passports gold nine millimeter glock i have i have um one thing in my cancellation survival pack what's that and it is a um a screenshot of a moment from uh the music video to david bowie's china girl in which he pulls his eyes apart and does a racist impression of a chinese person david bowie really yeah i yeah i can i can show it to you he does and he just for a bit in this in this video he goes and then he laughs like that in the video of china girl so i have that screenshotted okay anyone ever tries to call me out for anything on on the line or whatever tries to bring up something i did in the past uh and that was a distasteful unsavory and tries to bring me down for it that is going to be my profile picture on every piece of my social media is going to be david bowie pulling chinese eyes and you are then confronted with a choice either you let me live my you let

me live my life you have to let go of the mistakes i made and that you made and everyone made or you cancel david bowie as well bowie's going down with everyone you have to apply these rules to everybody but what if we're dealing with people who've already canceled david bowie for probably fucking uh group young groupies no one's done that though but no one's done that yeah but no one's done that en masse but these people are out there these are the outliers right but they're in such a small minority that i don't think i worry about them so much it's the main group of people who are still like, Bowie's a hero and he's an angel and he came down from space. That's why his songs are about space.

My tactic is just the thing that we've all learned from Donald Trump. Theresa May learned it. Corbyn's learned it. Now Boris Johnson's learned it. Which is never ever resign unless you are going to go to jail if you don't. Never ever resign. Never ever apologize.

No one can do anything. People just go like, well, we think, and you just go, no. Yeah. And eventually they just go, no.

And they go away. It's amazing. They literally, they genuinely just go away. They do go away. And your own team go, yes. and they go away. It's amazing. They literally, they genuinely just go away. They do go away. And your own team go, yes. Yeah. And you get to stay.

Yeah. Just don't apologize. Just turn off your notifications. People will move on savagely to the next carcass they sniff out. It's almost like some kind of horror movie where there's like a mob of roaming ghouls. And in the horror movie, the logic is the ghouls eat you if you blink or if you move like a mob of roaming ghouls and in the horror movie the logic is the ghouls eat you if you blink or if you move like a statue yeah so if you just freeze the ghouls like and they come to you and they go and they sniff you and they lick you a bit and they go i can

taste fear but he's not moving and you just oh god and you stay frozen and they go yeah and then they go and they run away they run away to another hut in the village to look for another farmer and you just hear screams in the distance and you go yeah

another day in ghoul village why don't I move yes exactly that seems to that's my so that's my that's my cancellation

survivor pack so thank you David Bowie for all the wonderful music but also for the shot of you doing Chinesey eyes that's right yeah he's a star man doing chinese eyes his fans are not away in fact they'll find it a surprise when the star man Does those Chinese eyes. I saw a tweet from some, I think it was, so it was a Canadian guy of Indian descent or of South Asian descent.

I sure wasn't just Justin Trudeau in the... Because he got real good at it He got a lot of practice in it And he's there going, I think Justin is fine Wait a minute Come here No, why? This turban comes right off

Look, a lot of members of the ethnic minority communities of Canada Have been defending Justin Trudeau But never in the same room. Never on mass. Hmm. Well, we'll rub off this blackface and it's old man Trudeau.

I would have got away with it too. God, I love this story. I love it. The internet just giveth and giveth. So this guy, right? He's Canadian. I think he was a journalist.

I'm not sure. I just saw the tweet. And I clicked through enough to go, oh, okay, so he's of South Asian descent, Indian descent, say, and he's Canadian. And he was saying, his angle was an interesting one, where he said, the sheer enthusiasm and thoroughness and regular regularity with which justin trudeau has done this must imply that he didn't know

how bad it was yeah yeah because it was so like sure i'll pose for a photo he's supposed to like in the photo with two indian guys who are like there's the photo with him i've seen so many photos of him browned up and blacked up i've seen a film is like he's like arm like got his arm over around two indian guys and he's like in the middle they're like huh isn't this great can you even tell so this guy's angle was that it's so stupid that to see malice in it is almost impossible because of how tangibly, incompetently thick it was to do this. Which is interesting. It is interesting, but it's not an excuse we allow to other members of society further down the social rung.

No. Where we go, yes, you are ignorant, and also you're evil for being ignorant. Here's something I often think about. That if got cancelled or i got in trouble would you wait it out or if you couldn't wait it out would you do that thing where you'd have to be like well now i guess i'm shocking as a comedian would you just become the show i see would you lean in change of career you know what i mean you'd be like oh fuck this is how I am now. But if I really lean into it, Hopkins style, and just become a ghoul, a monster, I can still have a career. You can have a career, but it's no life.

It's no life, is it? Is it like when Voldemort drinks unicorn blood? It is a half-life the moment it touches his lips. Is that something that happens? Yeah. He drinks sparkly unicorn blood. Oh, come on. Yeah, and it makes you immortal, but it's not good.

Not Katie Hopkins. Yeah, I mean, you just don't want that life. And so I think I would just ignore it. I'd pretend like it's not going on. Just continue with my doing what I do. And people will forget. And people will just move on. Yeah, I mean, people forgot, like,

Noel Edmonds, like, a guy died on his show. Oh, yeah. In the early 90s or whenever it was. And he still eventually got Deal or No Deal. He just had to stick around. Was he responsible

for this guy dying? Well, no, but it was like, I think that's what they based Alan Partridge accidentally shooting that flintlock pistol and killing

Patrick Marber. I think that's what they must have based it on. Yeah, okay. Listeners, send us in your plans if you get cancelled. Yeah, what's your cancellation survival pack? Cancellation go bag. We want to know what your plans are. We want to know

what you think you might be cancelled for. We'll make it anonymous if you ask. Make it to know what you think you might be cancelled for. We'll make it anonymous if you ask. If you say, make it anonymous, but I'm going to be cancelled for. When's your cancellation bunker? Yes, where's your cancellation bunker? Do you have enough water? Do you have enough fibre supplements for the water? Mm-hmm.

That's the thing about London these days, is that you don't even understand what people are saying in the taxis. You know, you try to order a bloody takeaway, the guy comes to the door, he looks like he's come straight from bloody, I don't know, Pakistan or something. I mean, I'm in favour of spiders from Mars, but there's a... Even I've got my limits when it comes to immigration. It was a... It's basically Morrissey, isn't it? It's Morrissey. Ring letters. Keep emails.

Phone calls. Your sister. Keep a five-year-old. Make money. Ring letters. Correspondence. It's Correspondence It's Correspondence Correspondence Thank you so much for

Correspondence That's Playstation What's that from? The jingle for Playstation isn't it? Playstation Is it? I think so There's some Japanese product that has that from? The jingle for PlayStation, isn't it? PlayStation. Is it? I think so. Oh.

Well, there's some Japanese product that has that. Really? Yeah. In a sort of... Is that your Japanese accent coming through again? PlayStation. But that's how they say it on the... Oh, really?

Yeah. PlayStation. Oh, I don't know. I don't know what's real anymore, Phil. Sam gets in touch. Yes, ma'am. It's Sam. Good afternoon, pod-based palphers. Palphers. I'm writing to you from pod-past, but I'm catching

up quickly. Currently listening. The ghost of pod-past. The ghost of pod-past. But I'm listening to BudPod23. I've noticed Pierre doing something that I do when hurrying to make a joke that is an obvious or trite punchline. Pierre quickly follows with a sort of trumpet mouth fart noise. I do

this too, like an oral indication that I know that what I've just said is root one, but also that it's a joke and I got there first. Sometimes I will also make the mouth trumpet noise when someone has said something awkward and I don't have anything to add. Where does it come from and what does it mean? Yours and P, yours and poo, P, pod and pop.

Nice. Sam, kiss. It's from the Adam and Joe show, really, isn't it? Sorry, I hit that thing there. It's Adam Buxton. It's Adam Buxton. He invented it. Adam Buxton is the father, the Odin, the Zeus of all podcasts.

He's the Shakespeare of podcasts. Do you know that Adam Buxton invented the word? It's like the word eyeball yeah yeah he made that up yeah people go no that's always been a thing yeah adam buxton invented going uh uh yeah i'll try turning the country off and on again yeah that was a little fart that he improvised during uh made up jokes yeah it was a feature made up Up Jokes, on the Adam and Joe show and really bad made up jokes or things and then it became an audio

an aural meme. And that's also where the sort of voice like it's the final season of the UK. That was their impression. That's sort of like regional radio DJ. Yeah, shitty DJ Without the irony and tragedy and self-awareness

Of Alan Partridge The real like bar room bore Kind of Oh yeah these days It's really good it's really a great device For having a cake and eating it really So you get to do the joke and then you get to go I know that was dumb and you must

still respect me yeah you can you can't not respect me anymore because i made the i know it's dumb noise and so fucking take there take that take there take there take there um thank you very much for that praise uh that you said we shouldn't read out kristen that's very very kind of you and it has warmed the cockles of our hearts and the bockles of our bums. Mm-hmm. But Barry gets in touch. Barry.

Why in such a harry? Dear Bud Caneers. Yeah, that's nice. Sure. I am new to the world of podcasts and stumbled upon the wonderful world of Bud Pod pretty much straight away. Wow.

We were on the front page of podcasts. Like a bear wandering a forest looking for tasty honey for his ears he says from the first hit of lovely ear honey i have been binging on bird pod after pud pod each more delicious than the last totally on board with all the bum bums and poo we talk wonderful uh bud pod life was good until episode 23 bears plug up their bums, bears plug up their bums. Bears plug up their bums with moth cocoons and things. They make a big bum plug so they don't poo themselves in wintertime.

Do you reckon that's how the first butt plug was invented? Like, Anne Summers was walking through a forest. The first gay bears. Saw a sleeping bear. And went, is that? Hey, there's an idea. Wait a minute. Plug. Butt. Hold on. and went, is that, hey, there's an idea. Wait a minute, plug.

But, hold on, get me to a lab, is what she said. Budpod life was good until episode 23. Oh, no. Ed and Budpod, where Pierre crushed my dreams of being a sommelier, which really hurt, actually. For you see, my name is Barry, and apparently nobody wants a sommelier called Barry, which is for you see my name is barry and apparently nobody wants a sommelier called barry which is a thing i said apparently oh right that's funny you put it in

quotes i will now instead have to join the family insurance business which exclusively sells sharting insurance to young men in austria that's that's a good idea for insurance sharting insurance yeah for when you shart in public and you ruin your career and life. You spray, we pay. Do you want peace of mind? We should sell cancel insurance. Cancellation insurance. I think I was talking to someone about this. Someone in some relevant industry.

Is there a market now for risk assessment? I was doing a corporate for risk assessment and I was industry is is there a market now for um risk assessment and i was doing a corporate for risk assessment and i was saying is there a risk assessment now for being cancelled social media yeah and he said yeah there is so really i mean oh because it's you you've lost your business you know yeah you have to you can you can insure yourself now against that sort of thing. If you pay us, if a video comes out of you in brownface, we will say that we made you do it. Right. Excuse factory.

Excuse factory. Yeah. The Fall Guys. The Fall Guys. Yeah. Oh, we could be millionaires. Fallguys.com, yeah. Okay, that's a good idea.

Okay. All right, well, no one's told that idea we've just put out in the radio. So you broke Barry's heart of being a Barry Barry. A Barry Barry, yeah, because I said no one wants a sommelier called Barry, and I think it's his dream. Or maybe he's just saying, hi, my name's Barry. Yeah. Best podcast I've ever listened to.

Oh, thank you. Keep fighting the good fight against the bum bum life. Keep jacking it. Barry, thank you, Barry. Thank podcast I've ever listened to. Oh, thank you. Keep fighting the good fight against the bum bum life. Keep jacking it. Barry. Thank you, Barry. Thank you, Barry. That's kind. Although the compliment best podcast I've ever listened to is somewhat undermined by the

fact that you've not listened to any podcasts yet. But we hope to hold on to that sweet, sweet first spot for as long as possible. You're damn right we do. Frank, same frank as last week gets back in touch oh hi again frank um frank says fern's hilarious fern brady's hilarious poo and sick extravaganza story oh yes we've been getting a lot of great compliments about fern's poo story i think it's gonna have to go in the hall of fame it's the hall of fame and shame yeah it's blame if you've not listened to episode 30b listener uh what are you doing it's it's going to have to go in the hall of fame. It's the hall of fame and shame. And blame. If you've not listened to

episode 30B, listener, what are you doing? It's the peak Bud Pod, that Fern Brady story. Well, Frank says, similarly, a friend he was living with had a very heavy night and stunk out a bathroom to every corner with his bum bum.

I was unaware of this, so when I strolled in to do my morning business, I was hit with a wall of stench that instantly caused me to vomit directly onto the floor sink and wall just just sudden i'll just open the door here god it's funny and then uh, yeah, what a mess. He then walked in after hearing me do this and was doubled over in hysterics for 30 minutes. Gosh. As you would be.

Which made him piss himself laughing, and then he smelled the piss and he popped it. If you can do your business to such an extent that it will immediately trigger vomiting on an unsuspecting person, I need an itinerary of what you've put in your body yeah what have you done to yourself i mean like it's obviously booze and poison and kebab and it's just a cocktail of poison yeah dirt yeah dirt Yeah James gets in touch

Or Jim rather Jim Slim Jim Slim Jim Hey guys Found out about the podcast After seeing Phil tweet About episode 30

With Fern Brady So it is worth doing this We gotta tweet Okay yeah And I liked it so much I'm starting from the beginning Six deep now And I'm really enjoying it.

Starting from the bottom, now we're here. And we mean bottom. Yeah, we mean bottom. I wanted to let you know that when I'm world president for life, baby talk will be punishable by death. Oh, good. Unless they're a baby. I think that's an important caveat for that law.

It's never good. It's not recommended with actual babies. Okay. Oh, wow. So not recommended, but still. They learn to speak more quickly when they hear normal speech. Interesting. Because you're teaching them to go, okay, now I'm prepared to go blaboo, baboo, baboo.

Which, of course, I don't need to do. Makes sense. Adults talking to their significant others in baby talk is gross. That's another adult, and you should just talk to them with pets. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but I think the other uses have fucked it up we're just going to have to sacrifice it and i just hate the way it sounds koji jim it is demeaning and it um it is a crime unto our shared dignity as a human species yes i and it's i i think he might be getting in touch because back then we we may i'm sure at some point we discussed the fact how much i hate you know brekkie or yum yum or scrummy scramble scrumbles holly bobs a hubby me and my

hubby went on holly bobs and the brekkie was yummy and he got i'm gonna kill everyone booked it on the interwebs i did a thing oh london i'm in you Hive Mind. Hive Mind is if you don't have Google. Hey, Hive Mind, where's a restaurant near my house? What the fuck is wrong with you? Google it. There was a funny trend for a while there.

People don't do so much where they would reply to questions like that with a link that would take them to a website called Let Me Google That For You. Yeah. And it was just the Google search page. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's fair. It's snarky, but by God, it's just.

Oh, the towering feeling Just to know Just Trudeau In blackface Oh yeah The overpowering feeling that he shouldn't have done blackface so many times I'm just gonna sing songs about Justin Trudeau while Pierre looks through more emails. Oh, Trudeau has a black face, dear. And he shows them pearly whites. All the whiter now.

Just a black face has old Justin, dear. And he's still the Prime Minister of Canada. Okay, this is a good, it another hostel-based poo story, Phil Okay, a poo in a hostel That's what the horror film Hostel was about That's why people were so grossed out by it Just diarrhea Brendan gets in touch

Brendan, Brendan I've already done our new friend I think we've had Brendan before, haven't we? I think Brendan has been in touch before Maybe it's the same guy, yeah. Okay. It's because we never say your last names, Podbuds, so forgive us. To protect you.

It's for you. Names have been altered to protect the innocent. Dear Poopsters, he says. I like Poopsters. I recently met a friend for a pint and encouraged him to become a fellow Budpodder. Thank you, Brendan. I like the idea that that's the only reason you met up with him. Yeah.

Now, you're probably wondering why I asked to meet. Like a really clumsy Christian. Yeah. Please do spread the word to PodBuds if you like the podcast. That is a big help to us. It's literally the point. It's literally the point of what we're doing here, thank you. I explained

that they mainly talk about poo and jacking it, and he was sold. Oh, dear. He reminded me of a story that happened while we were in Sydney, which I'd completely forgotten. Don't worry, he says, it's poo related. Oh, good. Oh, good. I was worried.

I was worried there was going to be about the opera house. We were staying in a hostel in Wulumulu. Wulumulu. Wulumulu. Wulumulu. Wulumulu. Wulumulu. Wulumulu. Which I was told wasn't the best area of town. An area for smackheads and sex workers generally.

Every city needs one. That's right. However, the hostel looked nice enough online. We did the sights and the standard hostel night out and returned in the wee hours of the morning with most of the people we started the night with. It was a rather large hostel and we were staying in a mixed dorm of eight to ten

people on the ground floor. Despite the awkward sleeping conditions, the copious amounts of alcohol made it easy to drift off to sleep. I hadn't been asleep long when I was awoken by a raucous Welshman. Haven't we all been at some point? Awoken by a raucous Welshman. That sounds like he's woken up by his own fart. Sorry, bit of a raucous Welshman. A real raucous Welshman. Haven't we all been at some point? Awoken by a raucous Welshman. That sounds like he's woken up by his own fart.

Sorry, bit of a raucous Welshman. A real raucous Welshman. I was awoken by a raucous Welshman shouting, she's pissed the bed! She's pissed the fucking bed! I should try and... She's pissed the bed that she's pissed the bed right

she's pissed the bed Bach she's pissed the fucking bed that's good that's alright trying to do a sort of who's the Welsh guy who people say I look like

but I don't look like Rod Gilbert no it's weird Martin Sheen oh Martin Sheen yeah yeah yeah Michael Sheen

Martin Sheen Charlie Sheen's dad ah yeah Michael Sheen Michael Sheen yeah yeah so weird I don't think you look like him at all no but that's like it's like he's a dress Martin Sheen, yeah. Michael Sheen. Martin Sheen, Charlie Sheen's dad. Ah, yeah, Michael Sheen. Michael Sheen. Yeah, yeah. So weird. I don't think you look like him at all. No, but that's like...

It's like he's a dress, blue and black or white and gold. Yeah. Does Pierre look like Michael Sheen or not? I'm up to 17 or 18 Michael Sheens. That thing's crazy. All from different walks of life. Absolute nonsense. The only thing is that there's 17 or 18 people who say Michael Sheen,

and what's dramatic is they are certain, no doubt in their minds. And everyone else is almost angry when I say that it's happened. So there's no middle ground on this debate. It's very polarized. Anyway, she's pissed the fucking bed. The light is flicked on immediately. It transpired that the Welshman on the bottom bunk was awoken by a dripping from above. Which he wasn't too pleased about.

Like it's alien or something. They've been keeping the piss in the ceiling. Soon everyone in the room was awake and attempts were made to wake up the girl on the top bunk, but she remained unconscious. It wasn't long before the smell hit us. The stench of shit filled the room. And the Australian heat as well.

Oh. A smell so vulgar that the thought of being awoken by dripping piss seemed rather pleasant. Everyone vacated the room to the corridor to establish a plan of action. A government of national unity. The unconscious girl was travelling with her two German friends, who

bravely volunteered to re-enter the room to try and wake her up. The British contingent remained in the corridor, stiff up a lip and shit up our noses. Shit up the lip. Come on now, chap. Shit up a lip. Stiff up a shit. The girls returned

almost immediately and told us that they pulled back the covers to reveal that not only had she shit herself, but as she tossed and turned in the bed it had smeared everywhere. All over the sheets, mattress, bed frame and herself the plan was that shit

the stench of shit filled the room oh my gosh you ain't listening boy shit up a lip oh god man that is dreadful so she's rolled so it's piss and shit and it's dripping down through.

So this is like. Initially the piss dripped through and then she pooped. Okay, but so this wasn't like poop infused shit. No. I mean poop infused piss. No, no. So she weed. Yeah.

The weed eventually trickled down enough to alert the Welshman. Right. As they say. Alert the Welshman. And in that time, from piss to hitting the Welshman's head, poop had emerged. And then she's rolling around. Smearing it. It's everywhere now.

God damn. The plan was decided that the ladies would deal with a shit-covered girl, and the gentlemen would deal with a shit-covered bed. Tradition. The first thing to do was to open the french doors which opened to a small patio area at the front of the hostel near the main street the ladies picked up poo girl or scheisse frowline and uh took her out the back of the hostel. The girl was placed in a new bed

and the smell was eventually aired out. Oh no, sorry, I misread that. The girl picked up Pooh Girl and showered her off. The guys removed the mattress and took it to the back of the hostel. And shot it. Took it out back and shot it. Gave it a Viking funeral.

The girl was placed in a new bed and the smell was eventually aired out. The next morning, people arose to discover that their valuables were missing. We can only assume that while the French doors were wide open, some local delinquents had entered the dorm and helped themselves to wallets, purses, and passports. Oh, mate. While my wallet was stolen, this was nothing compared to losing your passport while abroad. Oh, and how furious would it be?

All because some German girl pissed and shat herself. Oh, my God. Do you think she was in on it and it was like the end of The Usual Suspect? Where as she walked, her legs changed and poo rolled out of the bottom of her trousers. The poo girl finally woke up and walked into the dorm confused as to why she woke up in a bed she hadn't gone to sleep in.

She was also very confused as to why everyone was giving her evil stares. Once she was informed of the smelly disaster, she felt pretty embarrassed. I bet. She was one of the girls

who had her purse stolen and therefore couldn't check out of the hostel until her bill was paid. Without any means of paying the bill, she had to work a week in the hostel. Oh, wow.

Cleaning the bathrooms and bedrooms while her bank cards were delivered to her. I can only imagine her shame of not being able to leave the hostel while everyone shared her story. I had sympathy for her, but considering my wallet was stolen, my sympathy dwindled.

Koji, Brendan. What a story. Imagine shitting yourself into exile. I shat myself so much I'm stateless. I shat my citizenship out. I violated my own human

rights with my own asshole. That is extraordinary. Imagine shitting yourself into bondage like that. Into work. I shat myself into a temporary job. So how did you get this job?

I shat and pissed in my bed. I did so much shit and piss while I was asleep drunk that I just, you know, you fall into these things. Is there an application process? Or no, you just really shit yourself. Do you think that

you could apply the formula of shitting yourself and getting a job really cleverly and so if you just ran into deutsche bank and shat everywhere sorry i don't have any money well you'll just have to be an executive banker till you pay it back how did you become uh how did you how did you become a rock star i just shat myself on stage at Glastonbury, and they said, well, you better sing for your supper. This shop's actually been running in the family. My mother shat herself, and her mother before her shat herself. Yeah, and we've all worked our way up from customer who shat themselves to manager.

It's as low as you can start actually it's the most noble um that's incredible brendan thank you for that story and hopefully your friend will get a kick out of hearing it as well the tragedy of losing all your stuff it's oh my god i got like a i got furious on everyone's behalf then yeah and and and the idea that it was in that period where you were sleepily hosing down a turd mattress. God. Ugh. God. Well, thank you for...

At least we got the story now. I don't think I would join in helping. I'd be rude. I'd be like, look. Yeah. I'll figure something else out. But then you have to sleep in that room. So you do have...

Gotta air it out. Yeah, fine. But I'm not, like, leaving my area leaving my area yeah like if you guys yeah i mean good on you it sounds like everyone actually really pulled together and like behaved very and we're punished for it and yeah and responsibly and they were punished for no good deed goes unpunished no one you unpunished the good samaritan yeah it got. Punitive measures were taken. Now, Pierre, you have to go, don't you? I very much have to go.

So that's the end of the podcast as a result of me having to go. Thank you for listening. That was episode 30-poo. Episode 30-poo. Next one is 33, The Jesus Year. Next one is The Jesus Podcast. Will this podcast be crucified for the sake of all humanity? Will we be cancelled so that no one else will ever have to be

cancelled again? Oh God, why have ye forecancelled us? But yeah, stay tuned to see if we survive our trials in the desert. Yes. Stay tuned, get in touch, and tell your friends. Tell your friends to listen in the BudPod.

But until then, bye. Keep jacking it. Bye-bye.