BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 34 - Laksa Splitpants!

Episode Date: October 23, 2019

Laksa Splitpants! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie vaguely bring back number weapons. Phil got a massage from Wikipedia disguised as a Japanese guy.Pierre’s lost his Laksa Virginity! They’ve been up to their balls in laksa at Sambal Shiok just off Holloway Road. The boys enjoyed some soft-core prawns that make Phil want to believe in intelligent design. What animals are letters? Giraffe’s are a giant h. PodBuds are now so good at tagging bad Brexit jokes on twitter that people fear them. Do you wash your hair before, after or even DURING your haircut? Have you ever grossed out your barber? We discuss a Question Time idiot and Belfast and get distracted by a rainbow before the Laksa made us fall asleep like little BABIES. The harrowing truth behind The Simpsons and the revolting aspects of twee home decorations and greetings cards. Correspondence: Chinese Slugs! Split pants!  Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's 34 time! 34, you wanted more, so here's the score, it's at 34. That's right, and is 34 anything? Um, no, it's got a boring number, 34. Yeah, it's a squiggle and then a little box on a stick, isn't it? Mm-hmm, I don't remember what the weapons were for 3 and 4. Oh, well a 4 was that weird thing that our friend of the podcast sent in, and I put it on Instagram, that weird Central African knife.

Yeah, with, I call it like the jalembe or something. Yeah, I think it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds right. And a three. That sounds sharp. What's a three? Like that Klingon.

Three. It's like a shield, isn't it, with a handle in the middle? Ooh, yes. Or a stretched bow. A compound bow. A compound bow. Well, there you go, listeners. And for anyone who hasn't listened to that exact episode,

we had a long chat one fuck knows how long ago now about what numbers look like weapons. Yeah, which weapons numbers look like. Yeah. So one is like an arrow. Or a spear. Or a spear. Ten is a spear and a shield.

Yep. Side by side. And we had people send in what they thought, what weapons they thought numbers looked like. And it was a really great segment, and I think it really kicked off the podcast in those early days. Yeah. Everyone thought we were great and smart and funny and cool.

And that is beyond doubt. What have you been up to, Phil? Let me just adjust this here. Sorry, listeners. What have I been up to? Oh, I'm going to tell you. I got a massage. You got a massage?

Yeah. I got a Mr. Massage, which is actually potentially racy because the masseuse was a Japanese man. He was Mr. Masagi. The masseur. What is a masseuse a lady? Yeah.

Is it? A masseuse is only a lady time. Oh. Masseur, because it's French, so. Oh, my sir. Masseur. My sister. Yeah, my sis.

If it's a lady, it's my sis. That's how you remember. That's the mnemonic for My sir or my sis. Yes. Yes. Yes Anyway, his here's a Japanese guy. Yeah and So he's did it did he wax on wax off your balls? Yes more that please So this um, well, I only found this massage place

because I'm walking through Soho and I need a massage. Soho? Around the area. High risk. Well, exactly. So I opened up Google Maps and I just type in massage and all these places with like three reviews up to Dr. Run Place.

You look at the photo and it's just like a door. Yeah. And so you have to try to sift through all of that and eventually i found this guy who gives massages under the leisure center the council the council leisure center in the area i didn't know there was one yeah there's one on marshall street the marshall street leisure center it's right in the middle of town um right by oxford oxford street and i went over and i got a brochure i luckily a little leaflet he wasn't available that day but then then I texted him, and we arranged a massage, this bit is not important, and I turned up, and went downstairs, into the basement of the leisure centre, and

there's this sort of makeshift spa down there, and I walk in, and there he is, and he's this very slim Japanese man called Tommy. And he says, please come in. And I go in and I get naked and I lie on the table. Yeah. And he's a very sort of polite, smiley man. And he goes over and he washes his hands. Reassuring smile.

Yes, yes, yes. Not like... Yes, take all your clothes off. Oh, I won't look. Oh, there isn't a peephole in the door. And then he got some oil on his hands as I was laid down, and he started massaging me on the back. And apropos of nothing, without me saying anything to him, he just started this sort of speech.

He went, my name is Tommy. I have been in the UK for 25 years. I have a UK passport now, but I have not rescinded my Japanese citizenship and the whole while I'm just like and he keeps going I used to work in the Canary Islands in Fuerteventura one of the Canary Islands

they have beautiful beaches the Canary Islands sub-tropical climate some of their beaches are ranked 23rd best in the world by Time Out Magazine. He just starts telling me about Fuerteventura and Canary Islands without me saying it.

I never said a word. And then he starts going, flights to Canary Islands are very reasonable. You can go easy jet, Ryanair flights, return flights are £50, as little as £50 sometimes even less and at this point I'm thinking like

a brochure for the Canary Islands is just going to slide under the hole in the bed under my face or what's going to slide under the table under your face is a travel agent like a full person in a suit Or what's going to slide under the table under your face is a travel agent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a full person. In a suit.

Yeah, and they're going to be nodding at you like, yeah, yeah. Can I interest you in a package holiday to the Canary Islands? And every time I like, because I thought this meant he wanted to chant. So I'd be like, oh, yeah. And so how long were you there? And he'd be like, and he'd keep telling me about. He'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, the Canary Islands.

And I was like, oh, he just wants to tell me about the Canary Islands. And then at one point, like, he finished saying that. Yeah. And then I was like, okay. So I said, so how long have you been working at Marshall Street Leisure Center? But he didn't stop asking the question. He, like, started the Wikipedia page for Marshall. He said, the Marshall Street Leisure Center

was founded in the 1930s. And I was like, so this guy, if you ask him a question about something, he will not answer the, he can, he just has to start, he has to tell you about the entire subject. He's like, he's like J.R.R. Tolkien. Right.

It's like if you try and read Lord of the Rings or The Hobbit Everything has a footnote Because it has to tell you the whole history of that particular fortress Yes, yes, yes He feels like you won't be able to fully understand What's going on Without everything

Talking to this guy is like clicking on blue words In Wikipedia articles You will not take it straight to the answer you want You have to read through the whole thing to get it. What kind of cheese does the burger come with? In 1730, a cheesemaker named

Maurice Chevalier moved to the Loire Valley. You can't make a decision, Phil, without the full info. Yeah. But good massage. He really got in there. It sounds like he was massaging your mind yeah with facts yeah swimming around in there giving um my neurons a little squeeze yeah yeah um at one point to like to like uh loosen up the the muscles under my shoulder blades he literally

like um got me to fold my arm in a way and then I got his hands around my shoulder blade and just pulled it away from my body. Like you could feel him holding onto the plate there. And then I just got on his he just sort of crouched down and sort of leveraged himself against the table and just like pulled

my shoulder blade away from my body. That's great. Was it good? It's great. It sounds violent. It was. It was really good? It's great. It sounds violent. It was. It was really good. He really got in there. Oh, man.

He put some hot stones on me. Massaged me with hot stones, which I was really scared about, but it's lovely. Maybe I should go, but now, you know, spoiler alert, I know all about the Canary Islands.

Yeah, maybe he'll talk about something else with you. Maybe he'll say he's from something, maybe he'll be like the Joker in The Dark Knight. He has a different origin story every time you talk to him. Yeah. He's like a randomly generated NPC.

He'll just say, I'll go, and he'll be Taiwanese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he'll be like, I used to work in Malaga. And Malaga. And you go, wow, this is weird. How about you, Pierre? What have you been up to? Well, we've both just been up to some laxa.

Yes, we just ate some laxa. I've never had laxa before. You didn't tell me that was your first ever laxa. You know, I thought if I told you, you were taking my laxa virginity, it would put too much pressure on us, Phil, to enjoy ourselves. I guess so. I don't think I've ever, I certainly don't think I've ever had Laxer.

Well, you are very competent. Thank you. It was very good. It was very tasty. If you all live in London, head over to Sambal Shok on Holloway Road. Absolutely delicious stuff. Proper Malaysian fare.

Really good, really delicious prawns we had. If, like me, you doubt your ability to spell Shambhala shock, from hearing it, just search Holloway Laxer. Holloway Laxer will get you there. Shambhala shock. Yeah, it's great. It was fantastic. I don't really like, I don't dislike prawns,

but I don't particularly like them. They've always tasted a bit like rope made of meat to me, in terms of texture. But these, listeners listeners were tender tender prawns they were they were like good steak these prawns yeah delicious juicy and and um we i we called them uh um soft core prawns yeah prawnographic they're really yeah real soft core prawns because they were soft in the core um i for me prawns are the one difficult bit of proof that maybe there is an intelligent designer really because here in this weird little alien

if you peel off it if you cook it and you peel off its shell, it's a perfect capital C of meat. Right. Okay, so it's like the convenience aspect of just... Yeah, you just unwrap it and it's like a banana of meat. But that's... And there's a little poo entrail, but you just have to... It's very easily accessible on the top. You just...

And it's gone. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. It's a perfect C of meat. Maybe there is a God who's made perfect sea of meat. Maybe there is a god who's made a sea of meat in the sea. Listeners, what other meat looks like letters and vice versa?

Oh no. But a lot of intelligence... A giraffe is an H. A giraffe is an H of meat. It is an H of meat, isn't it? It's a really high person on a safari. What's that giant H doing? A large lowercase H.

But the creationists use bananas all the time. Right. Because they go, look, it comes in a wrapper. Yeah. You know, you can just eat it. It's like a perfect energy pod and it fits right in your hand. But then I remember seeing a comic once where a guy went, you know what else fits right in your hand? My dick. And in your butt too. And the guy's like no no not like that and bananas of course had to be bred for ages to not have giant nutties in them big old seeds of

course yeah so it's not quite it's i mean if anything they're a product of very targeted evolution and breeding well exactly but anyway the other example the creationist uses the eye the famously imperfect eye yeah that fucks up all the time the the thing that if it can't see something ignores it if it can't fully comprehend something decides that it can't see it and has a blind spot yeah and can't and can't move smoothly your eyes always move in jumps yes it's true yeah there's there's some kind of weird trick you can do on yourself where if you look at your watcher And can't move smoothly. Your eyes always move in jumps. Yes, it's true. Yeah. There's some kind of weird trick you can do on yourself where if you look at your watcher then away then back, the second hand will have looked as if it's gone backwards.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. I have not been able to do it myself. Check it out. Look it up, listeners, and amuse yourselves if you have an analog watch. I'm going to try and do it now. Take, huh? No, that's not done yet. Is this good radio?

Phil looks like he's seeing if someone is late to snipe a politician he's having a lunchtime meeting with because he's looking up down on his watch and he's looking up and away in a very suspicious manner yeah but the laxer was great and it was spicy very hot spicy and it's funny i turned up um and the lady the lady whose restaurant it is mandy uh recognized me from being malaysian and she said oh hi thank you so much for coming and i said oh, good to meet you. Yeah. And then we sat down. And then a lady I know called Zing, who works at Vice,

was also there eating laksa. And she's Singaporean. Yeah. And then she came over and said hi. And then Pierre was like, this is like... It's like you're in the mob. Yeah, it's like Southeast Asian mafia. This is where I would sit all day if i was head

of the east asian mafia because it's just accepting sort of greetings and prawns prawns because we came in and then she like shook your hand and stuff so i do think to the other diners they're like what the fuck is happening and it's like i didn't get a handshake yeah all and then like all the asian people in the room know this guy and are coming to his table to say hello i mean the and the reason she knew you as well is also because I was speaking to Evelyn Mock, because she works on their podcast that she does with Nigel Ong, which is Rice to Meet You. Rice to Meet You. Check it out.

Rice to Meet You. Rice. Yeah, do check that one out. I've not listened to the episode yet, but I cannot wait. And I think I'm going to do one in a bit, so that'll be a very Asian episode. It'll be deep Asian. I think you have to be Asian to go on. You have to have an Asian connection.

And last night... For now. Let's see how tightly they hold on to that rule when they run out of all the Asians in about six episodes. Well, not all the Asians, but... Not all the Asians. Yeah, that's going to take a few more. That's a lot of podcasts.

A billion podcast episodes. Imagine if that was a new Chinese government policy. Not like, what was it? A TV in every home and a podcast episode for every person. A podcast in every laptop. Everyone has a podcast in them, you know, Pierre. Everyone's got a podcast in them. I think so.

I think that's true. And I think some people's podcasts are like, some people's, the podcast you'd have in some people are just horrific. What would Boris Johnson's podcast be, for example? David Davis had a podcast. No. Really?

Yeah, he had a podcast for a very little bit that wasn't very successful. They're called I'm Old. Here are some old things that I think. I can't remember what it was about. Oh my God. Speaking of which, we had Luxa and then came back and instantly watched some parliament voting results.

Yes, yes, the Letwin Amendment. Listeners, you... So it's been a real fun day. By now, listeners, you will have... Brexit will have changed in about 11 more different ways. But as we sit here and record this, the government has just been defeated on the Letwin Amendment. And if you're listening from not the UK and don't understand it, that's fine. Most of us don't either.

It basically delays Brexit till the end of January. Again. Again, this will never end. We live in hell. And that's it. You just have to have this forever now, by the way. Enjoy. Has anyone, and I don't know if I'm going on a limb here,

but has anyone considered turning the UK off? And then on again. And then on again? Yeah, and then on again. And then maybe, because, you know. Has anyone thought about doing a hard reset? That was... Listeners of this podcast do keep tagging Budpod

underneath the tweets of people trying to do those. And it's a bit awkward because we know our friends with a lot of those. We do know a lot of them. And they go like, oh, the final season of the UK. And it's like, we're getting tagged in it. And you go, oh, no. Oh, no. Our slams have become broadcastable yeah yeah it's um actually the pod buds are um are putting they are a source of real uh worry for some comics now who are yeah maybe don't know about the podcast but are getting these sort of mysterious messages from people

going oh they're doing it yeah yeah and they're going oh no what have i done this is bad um that's what cancel culture has done to people yeah fear yeah fear pure paranoia So just relax your body and I will massage your trapezium muscles on your shoulders. There we go. Oh dear, your muscles are so tense. Very tense, just like the new film Joker starring Joaquin Phoenix. A very tense movie.

Very exhilarating. Highly recommended. Five stars. Now just moving my hands down your body to your ribcage. Your ribcage there. Very, very, very large. Very voluminous. What is also very voluminous are the new 1 litre bottle of Coca-Cola.

High volume, amount of cola, refreshing Coca-Cola for you to drink. The classic recipe of Coca-Cola. Fight thirstiness now. Now I'm moving my hands down to your lower back. Your lower back is a very important part of your torso. It is the central engine for many of your movements. If you want to improve your movements around the city of London, may I recommend the new taxi service captain the new uber killer is very fast

reaction a lot of drivers they'll get to you very quick and also the company is very proud to say that it pays its taxes on the rye uber now moving down to your buttocks. Your buttocks are also called your gluteus maximus. Maximus Aurelius was the gradiator in the classic film Gradiator, starring Russell Crowe and directed by Ridley Scott. It tells the story of a foreign Roman general who finds himself a Rory gladiator who has to fight for his freedom under the tyrannical gaze of a mad and jealous new Caesar,

also played by Joaquin Phoenix. Quite a coincidence there. Both films I have recommended to you today star Joaquin Phoenix. Joaquin Phoenix is an actor. Phoenix is a legendary bird. It's thought to have been born of frame. It is elemental and animal. Okay, now I wank you off.

So Phil, me and my flatmate were having this debate earlier this very day. He did not wash his hair before a haircut. Right. He woke up, put on some clothes, had breakfast, noodled around, and then went for his haircut. And they don't wash his hair? I don't think so. Because at my barber, they wash my hair.

Well, the can't. The place where he's going has the facilities. Ah. But the cut he gets does not include the wash. Uh-uh. And then he comes home, and his justification is that he washes it after, and that is when you get rid of all the little bitty bots. I think a haircut is one of those before and after numbers. I think getting them to cut

dirty hair just feels wrong. His argument was that they're spraying it with water and running a comb through it while they cut it anyway. So not that that cleans it, but that it's not affecting their ability to cut. But it just feels grubby to me. It does feel grubby.

I'm glad you're saying this, because I thought I'd gone mad. Yeah, you wash your hair. Yeah, always. I just imagine you in the shower with a hen on one of those puffy like... To keep it perfect. Flush, flush, flush.

You're in a tub with a little rubber duck and you've got that hair protector thing on. With one of those long back scrubbers. Soap on a steak. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, I'm glad you're saying that because I thought, am I a sort of excessively clean Victorian

for thinking this now? I was worried it was one of those things that I'm going to discover I've been going above and beyond. The thing is, when I go to the barber, my head is his his canvas all right and a canvas has to be cleaned okay it's a white canvas i need to clean the canvas so that the artist um can do his work i don't want to give him a dirty canvas i suppose that'd be my argument yeah i think that's fair because i mean

if that's... And I just don't like the idea of someone silently going, well, they rub your head. They're going, what a dirty lad. They must have seen some horrible stuff. I mean, barbers probably have seen... Do you reckon they've ever got, like, lice on their hands? Like, they've seen, like, lice.

Oh, maybe. I reckon they've got like lice on their hands like they've seen like lice oh maybe I know I know that my flatmate once had to go for a haircut he has a thing where if he's got something booked in he just has to go do it even though he'd booked it in for like an early on a Saturday morning and he'd got really drunk and slept in a hedge

and he went to the barbers and she was like cutting his hair and they're like oh and had to take out like a big twig like from a kind of forest character like his tom bombadil yeah exactly but she just removed it like oh like an actual piece of forest oh god and i didn't fall asleep in a hedge he had a nap in a hedge, yeah. He was, in those days, in our youth, he was a booze napper. And parties in summer were very sort of outdoorsy, rural affairs. Oh, this is on the island? Mm-hmm.

Not in the UK, no. The island. This is on the island. Rules are different on the island. Oh, did you see that? I've not been able to watch it, but that clip of a guy in Question Time talking about Ireland. Oh, i haven't watched it but the island of ireland he basically says why don't we just let ireland and northern

island just be an island together and we look after ourselves like he just come up with the idea like like i saw someone saying that like this guy in a black tur a black what you might call a demi neck uh-huh had just organically come up with the idea of a united island it's just like some english guy going well they were all the same place it's like yes i saw someone do allison spithel who's very funny yeah she retweeted someone going like you know our our great fenean fathers you know like a patriotic pro-irish independence thing and it was a picture of like i don't know emin de valera mich, Michael Collins, in black and white in suits.

You know, those Victorian politician photos. And then this guy, a screenshot of this guy. It's like, yes, yes. The great progenitor. But I so want to see his face when he realized he'd become... Sinn Fein. Oh no, a meme for a fucking idiot.

He'd just become... Did his face, like, did he look at Twitter and go, oh wow, it's me, people are... And then his face just dropped, going, wait. Wait. Me, dumb? Am me dumb? Well, surely when you're that dumb, you can't comprehend

being wrong. Me no dumb dumb. He's probably one of those guys who sort of sees it and goes like, and then they're all in the pub going like, and then they just forget about it. Also, there's a rainbow. Look at that. Oh, out of Pierre's window is a rainbow.

Just as the Letwin bill passes, a rainbow is erected across the country. It's a big old rainbow too. And it's close. That gold is ours. One end is in Ireland where the leprechaun with a pot of gold will be Yeah And the other end is joining us That's why we can't have a hard border in Ireland

Leprechauns hate boundaries Yes, they dance all over those borders If you try and stop a leprechaun from roaming where he pleaseth Big problem I like to write a story about a leprechaun who's really rich from his pot of gold and just becomes like a crime lord one just hangs on to it yeah yeah when uses it to bribe bribe his way across the border and uh yeah i mean not that it would be a really funny example of of you like as a guy from malaysia originally writing a

It would be a really funny example of you, like, as a guy from Malaysia originally, writing a massively inflammatory thing, but like by mistake, by just going, by starting with the perfectly valid myth of the leprechauns and they they're evil and greedy and they use their gold to everyone oh man i want you to write that now because it would upset everyone but then that seems to be the and people complain i'm like oh sorry i didn't know yeah you just be like huh there's a what oh i thought you guys all oh you could pull you could just be like i just thought northern ireland you're just being very specific yeah just like that bit of it yeah like the south the north yeah the east the west yeah the highlands whatever of ireland yeah the north of ireland go to belfast i've been to belfast most terrifying place i i uh did a gig the only time I ever performed in Belfast, I went and performed at the, was it the Queen's Theatre? I can't remember what it's called. But the compere was Northern Irish and just destroying. People loved him.

He was talking about the Catholics and the Proddies. Yeah. And people were just like, yeah. Where are you from? Ballymena. And everyone's like, he is like he's from Ballymena. Local gear. Yeah, local like, he is like he's from Ballymena. Local gear. Yeah, local gear just destroying it.

And then he goes, your first act is Phil Wang. And then I come on. And at first they see my face and they think, no, I don't think so. And I start talking in this voice and they literally, everyone just turns around,

just walks to the bar. Really? And the only face that doesn't go away that I see is this man who's pressed right up against the stage, looking right up at me, and he's just got a huge black eye. Just staring me, staring me down. And I thought, fuck this. And when I left the gig after I'd done the performance,

one of the nicer Northern Irish men, in an attempt to extend an olive branch, said to me, Hey, well done. Howdy, partner. He thought I was American. Oh, my God. And I said, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Excuse me, sir. Thank you, sir. Excuse me, sir. Thank you, sir.

And then I went back to the hotel where, I think, must have been where Fern vomited and pooed everywhere. Where Fern did her incredible dance routine. Yeah, where her bra pinged off and she vomited so hard. Oh my god. A classic, classic story. She rocketed up the wall. Like a Catherine wheel. Oh my god.

A single man with a black eye. Yeah, just this lone man, just pressed his chest up against the stage looking up at me. Some black eye. Who else was on the bill? Were you the only non-Norran Irish comedian on the bill? No, the closer was a guy called Adam Vincent,

who's Australian, and he did well, but he came on, like, aggressive. And he matched there, and they relate to that. Yeah, he came on and he punched him in the face. I wonder if it's because they thought you were American and you were just going to be like, my grandfather was Irish, and, like, do a bunch of, like, American-Irish nonsense, you know? Yeah. Because they're not like... They don't have a great reputation

in terms of their knowledge of what the deal actually is in Ireland. The Yanks. Oh, yes, of course. So they wouldn't have been optimistic about you if they thought you were American. Or they're just all racist. I mean, they might have been some pretty racist.

You never know. I mean, they did not react very great, very well to hearing my name and seeing my face. No, it's a sign of something. And it would be more likely to be racism with your name. It's not like your name is Cornelius Fittlepottle and they thought you were super English. Or Brad New York.

The most American man in the world. Chad Steak. The most American man in the world Chad Steak Johnson Barbecue Dash Gun Rights Dash Of the main The Boston Gun Rights

The Boston Gun Rights Well if it isn't Tex Abortion Protest Oh I've just got real sleepy Yeah but do that laxers hit me like a Fucking freight train Well because I went out last night I went raving

This is great insider knowledge Wang loves a rave Wang will rave until he's in a cave Yeah I'll rave in a cave I'll rave with the best of them. And the worst. And the worst. And I still got plenty of sleep,

but if I have a big rave the next day, I get sleepy at... I bet it's 4pm now, is it? Okay, 20 minutes to 4. I will get tired at 4. Yeah. Without fail. That's our time limit on this.

Yeah. For a Wang crash crash i'm tired now already yeah well i could i can feel like if you don't know listeners laxa is essentially coconut milk spicy soup yes it's pretty heavy stuff it's heavy it's a it was a heavy boy that i ate it was a heavy lad it's like a savory glass of hot chocolate to get you to sleep. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So you can drift off and have spicy, spicy dreams. Just chillies dancing around.

Little glasses of milk going, no, no, no. Like taunting you, no, no, no. Bowls of ice cream you can't quite reach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's mouths are on fire. It's like Twin Peaks. Or indeed the Simpsons episode that parodied Twin Peaks.

Oh, okay. Anyway, that's the one where Maggie shot Mr. Burns. Spoiler alert, everyone. Sorry about that. It was Maggie. Sorry, Phil. Shit, I was just going to watch I Want to Go Home. I know, it's all on Netflix now.

Imagine if they put all of The Simpsons on Netflix. I'd love to see the stats for how many people stop watching after season 11, where people just go, no. It's still going. It's still going. It's still going. They've run out of stories, surely.

The fact it's still going is genuinely, it's almost creepy. Yeah. You look at it and go, who are you doing this for did you sign a a deal uh we obviously signed a deal but he does sign did you sign a deal with the devil is your soul trapped are you cursed but also like um there's a there's a thing that the listeners might not know about which is it's a phenomenon that happens to characters who are supposed to be stupid. So it's happened to Homer Simpson.

It happened to Joey in Friends. It's sort of called something like idiocy inflation. Yeah. And so in order to keep the show fresh, and it changes writers all the time because it's an American show, so all these shows have different writers. Over time, they'll want to be more and more extreme. And so if you compare season one, Homer Simpson, or season one, Joey, they're sort of a bit ditzy.

Yeah. Like, oh, I accidentally left the tap running or whatever. Homer Simpson is just like your classic slightly buffoonish father in any advert. uh slight slightly buffoonish father in any advert where people add dads and adverts apparently can't work kettles door handles things like that so it's just a bit like oh i'm sorry i didn't know i left the the tap running on the whatever and then now it's like they're verging on requiring hospitalization yeah yeah it's well miss simpson is likeoo and he's like trying to eat fire and Joey's drinking out of the toilet Joey's going like I've never heard of a ball

what's a ball people kick them it's amazing they become like it would be a legal grey area as to whether you could employ those people they don't fully understand any contracts it's not quite fair for you to try and employ them um and so as a result

there's this real horrible phenomenon now where the simpsons every single episode is lisa learns something or homer and marge's relationship is in trouble again and you could watch it as as as an enormously long arc of one man, an already inadequate man, slide into sort of early dementia. And his wife, his wonderful wife, struggled to cope with what was probably an error in the first place, but has only gotten worse. Imagine if that was the plan the whole time.

The intention with The Simpsons was this long story about a man's slow decline into dementia. Into insanity and they never age which makes it all the more tragic because he remains a relatively young man but just his dementia gets worse and worse and worse yeah and and and bart's future becomes more and more hopeless yeah it's this terrible decline and lisa just becomes more and more kind of a kind of uh uh avatar for for for most of Twitter but they they predicted Trump Pierre they predicted President Trump in all those cartoons they made after he became president and then like all people keep still posting as if it happened years before and all those children of the revolution, Phil, they all get killed in the end.

Then they got cancelled because of Apu. Of course. Apu was the problem. And then there was a documentary, Kondabolu. Kondabolu. He did the documentary about Apu. And then lots of people said they liked him. And lots of people said they didn't.

And Harry Shearer was all grumpy. And he's old now. I've still not seen that film. I need to see it. I haven't seen it either. I'm not sure. I've still not seen that film. I need to see it. I haven't seen it either. I'm not sure. I'm not sure! It's, it's, it's, yeah.

I mean, it would obviously be unacceptable if it was him in person. Right. So you think because it's a cartoon, it's a little more okay? Well, I mean, it's more okay than if it was Harry Shearer browned up. Yes, absolutely. I mean, that would have been unacceptable in the 80s. Um, the Trudeau special. The Trudeau special of The Simpsons. It's live action, but everyone's... she were browned up yes absolutely i mean that would have been unacceptable in the 80s um the

trudeau special the trudeau special of the simpsons everyone's it's live action but everyone's painted um yeah exactly so i don't know yeah i don't think i don't i don't i don't know i don't know i don't care really it doesn't affect me i'm gonna i'm gonna tap out on this one i don't have to have an opinion on everything i do have an opinion on this and it's quite spicy but I'm too tired to say it with any confidence we'll save it for next time

we'll save it for next time when we both want to be cancelled wow who would have thought that I could make such incredible changes in my life, just from cutting out dairy and gluten and beef and sunlight, air, direct contact with other human beings. I'm floating in space in a bubble made of a sort of synthetic gel.

I have to say, I've never slept better. And I'd better sleep, because here in the bubble made of gel floating in the dark blackness between galaxies, I'm going to need to sleep to conserve as much energy as possible, so that when I crash land on whatever habitable planet this sentient bubble is taking me to, I'm able to burst through it still with my claws, like a terrifying alien probably from the point of view of whoever already lives there. If anyone does. We'll see.

But I'm going to have to burst out of there with enough energy and passion to still have the muscular capability to lay this egg I'm growing. And you know what? I can't wait. Did you know on the subject of incompetent dads, I think it's now

illegal, or kind of illegal, to depict dads as useless at housework and adverts. They did do something, didn't they? The ASA, the Advertising Standards Authority, there was some ruling where they were like, we really must stop dads going like, huh. And it's got an option to show football

facts so even he will look at it more than you go oh come on mate it's pathetic it's very depressing yeah i guess it's the same as though you couldn't have like a even your wife will understand this calculator it's got that tone man i love those old sexist ads. I love them so much. It's like seeing a Nazi uniform. It's like, I'm against this, but it looks good. It's something about this, like, some kind of classy, classic sort of... A sexist 50s advert is the Hugo Boss of advertising. It's like that whole Mad Men thing where you watch a show and you go, oh, they're being really terrible to all these women But oh those suits are nice

I like whiskey Whiskey in the day Maybe it was worth it I don't know maybe it was worth it I'm amazed that they weren't just having fights All the time Whiskey is such an angry drink Is it?

I think it angers up the blood That's it's reputation Whiskey is such an angry drink. Is it? I think it angers up the blood. Oh, it doesn't anger me. That's its reputation. Oh. Gin makes, like, too much, I mean. This thing. Gin makes people cry is the old myth. Widow's ruin.

Mother's ruin. Mother's ruin. Widow's delight. Yes, of course. No more pesky mother-in-law crying about a dead son. Widows delight. I kind of don't buy, I've never been able to completely buy the idea that different alcohol has different effects on you. Because alcohol is just alcohol, isn't it?

Well, this is the thing. Have we had this conversation before? Maybe. I don't think it can be scientifically true, but it's the same as when someone points out, like Finn Taylor, friend of the show, good old comedian Finn Taylor, congrats on getting married the other day. Yes.

Finn used to have a routine about how people would say- Lost another one. Lost another one to the old- Poor drink on the ground for our lost brother ball and chain it was nice seeing him for the last time I've never been distracted by hackery

I love it someone try turning marriage off and on again another thing I love the institution of marriage I love one the institution of marriage. I love, one of my obsessions, and friends will now send me photos of it in shops if they come across them, are basic bitch signs to put up in your house,

or your kitchen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like... I know a guy who unironically has a house full of them with his wife, and they put it on Instagram all the time. Oh, yeah. It's brutal.

So it's things like every man's house is his castle, but his wife is the dragon. Oh, my God. It's all this kind of fucking garbage, or like a clock face where instead of numbers it all says wine. Which, if you take it literally, is a harrowing. A really harrowing depiction. A horrible clock face.

Go to a hospital. Just signs like, whatever is the question, coffee is the answer. All these sort of things that real people buy and put in their homes and have to see every day. I love them. I love looking at those things. And there's a sign like, plenty of people have eaten things from this kitchen and no one's died yet. Something like that.

I remember there's some sign like that, like about the standard of cooking in a sort of humorously self-deprecating way. Or like, I saw an ad for, or like I saw a photo of these two glasses that are like his and her glasses and one says

he swiped right and the other one says she swiped right oh that is disgusting oh that is awful no no seriousness talk to someone please do go to hospital for your brain worms

Finn did that routine about how some people say oh tea has more caffeine than coffee yeah i said yeah but it doesn't make you shit yourself yeah and i think maybe it's like as you say but surely caffeine is caffeine but maybe it's left-handed versus right-handed molecules phil maybe the compound is slightly altered maybe there's a little well the difference between tea and coffee isn't it that tea does have like by volume or caffeine in it but it isn't released uh because of the way it is brewed because coffee it is it is released that's probably it isn't it yeah but then that's the thing the alcohol thing

you sort of go it can't be true but it really feels true i feel now i'm a better drunk on good wine like good wine which i'm now obsessed with i i i am i'm better conversation i don't i don't slur anything i'm vibrant and fun it could be something else like sulfides or pollutants uh maybe stuff that goes around it yeah all the all the all the horrible low quality stuff because i definitely think that you get a worse headache from cheap wine oh yeah i mean i can't drink cheap i mean this is the cuntiest thing I'll ever say, but I cannot drink cheap wine anymore. It makes me sick. And it's like an instant headache.

A cheap red wine headache is like having a small steel ball in the center of your mind, and it's growing. Yeah. It's just expanding to fill your head. It's so sharp. Yeah. You're so dehydrated. George Fouracres of Daphne and friend of this parish.

Yes. He and I used to describe it as cranberry head. Because your head gets all like... You'd have like a bottle or two of red, bad red, like three pound red wine. And girls eat your head to help with their UTIs. Yeah, exactly. You'd wake up in the morning and your headache would be so bad

and you'd be so dehydrated. It's like if your neck tapered to just a single cranberry. Like that was your head. Like this tiny, a tiny furious red berry on top of your neck. Just this dried cranberry that you have to talk through now. It's horrific. You have to rehydrate your little cran head. It's horrific. You have to rehydrate your little crayon head. I, to my

credit, have not had a really bad hangover for ages now. Really? Yeah, and I was so good last night. I was dancing and dancing and dancing, having a great old time. I've just been sent a video of me dancing. It was very embarrassing because I'm going for it.

I had a really good time. And I was like, yeah, whoa, yeah, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Yeah, yeah, wiggle, wiggle wiggle yeah yeah wiggle wiggle wiggle wow and then just within a matter of seconds my body just went ah like i i felt like i'd got the whole thing out of my system and i just instantly calmed down and leant over to my friend and said i'm gonna go now oh wow and i just walked and i walked to the tube and i had a little walk home and just got walked off the rest of the energy and then just went to bed and went to sleep. That's very graceful.

Yeah. I just I just I've never felt so clear like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. Ah, fun. All right. I'd never had it like that before. What about after the wedding the other day, though? Did you know?

Because the next day that was my last sort of hangover hangover where it wasn't like a headache or sick, but my head was in... At Finn's wedding? Yeah, yeah. The next day, I was very slow and my head was like it was encased in a very warm fog. Yeah, well, I didn't drink too much.

Did you not? No. You old sauce pot, you. Thank you. Also, maybe I'm also drinking quite a lot over longer periods of time now, and I'm building up a tolerance again. That could be it.

That could be it, definitely. Naughty boy. Naughty wine man. You're going to have a cranberry head before you know it. And I'll squeeze it and step on it and make a lovely cranberry wine and then drink it back into the cranberry. And pour it into the hole that used to be your head. What a vivid... That's the clock be your head. What a vivid...

That's the clock in your head is wine. Every number is wine now. That's who you are, Phil. You don't have to buy the clock for it to be true. Don't talk to me till I've had my coffee is already like... That's classic. But it's really upsetting.

It's don't talk to me till I've had my gin. You're like, oh my God. I'm calling social services. The other subcategory of those signs is the old-fashioned drawings of people in suits and stuff. And they're smiling and holding a beer. And it just says, Joe thinks you're a cunt. And everyone's like, ha, ha, ha. It doesn't look like it does because he's quite well-dressed in his old-fashioned dress.

It's a 1940s portrait of a housewife holding up a a tray a bake tray of like lasagna or a casserole yeah and she's going uh rim me or get out and she's smiling she's got pearl necklace on and stuff yeah really nice yeah oh yeah or a lady a lady is sort of uh holding up a cup of coffee smiling and it says today was the day that judith found out all those men she murdered were vegans. A man in an old-timey bathing suit with a big mustache who's doing a big thumbs up with his little hat on. And he's saying,

I just sucked off another 10 men in that changing room. And you go, oh, that... That actually sounds quite funny. I'd like to buy that one. I'll give you any amount of money money How much do you want for that? I want £10 It's on Good Card Oh okay

I thought that was a brand like Good Card Where you can put blowjob jokes on Good Card It's rude but it's modern It's old but it's new Does Moonpig have any rules about what you can put on their cards? I've always wondered this on good card it's rude but it's modern it's old but it's new it's good card does moon moon pig have any rules about what you can put on their cards i've always wondered moon pig.com and it's

just swastikas and and and libel the prime minister is a convicted uh sex offender uh says um a black and white photo of hitler that we've superimposed uh uh you know nelson mandela's face onto just go i'd like this for my my father's birthday and could you send it to um uh everyone in the borough of camden i saw uh uh in um leeds train station i think it was a an actual physical moon pig.com outlet oh I think it was, an actual physical moonpig.com outlet. Oh, physical. And it was being shut down. First victim of Brexit, Moonpig. It's the ones with the most irritating adverts first, everyone.

The customizable greetings card industry has always been on the vanguard of our economic policies. I could see the laxer bubbling up into Phil's mouth while he was talking. Well, speaking of letters and cards, we should read some letters. Let's do it. They're good cards, they're good cards, photos from the 50s, sentiments from the noughties. And they're naughty sentiments, that is, on the good cards. Black and white ladies standing in the kitchen holding up delicious food.

But the caption, something from Tinder. A man dressed as a construction worker in 1920s New York. He's looking at the camera camera but he's not saying something appropriate. It's from Grindr. It's implied he's gay even though it's a traditional looking picture. And the caption makes reference to modern technology like mobile phones in a way that

you know is not chronologically appropriate. And you buy them as a birthday card for someone who's got a sense of humor but not too much of one. Ring, ring, emails, emails, phone calls, tweets, your sister will keep a

five-year-old to who they buy. Ring, ring, letters, correspondence. Ryan gets in touch. Ryan, Ryan, why are you spying on the Bud Pod? Yes, and I will say, apologies, listeners, if we haven't got to your correspondence, we're behind by, let's say, a week and a half or so.

Oh, really? Okay. It's built up again, the old sediment. Yes. Greetings, Brothers P. Nice. I have a whimsical little poo tale you may well appreciate. It never stops being funny. It will never stop being funny.

It's both educational and hilarious, he says. It happened when I was living in China. Oh, I'm listening. And working as an English teacher in a primary school with super young children aged between 2 and 12. In lieu of nappies, toddlers China wear a wonderful garment Known as split pants Oh, I'm not into this Which is merely a pair of trousers with a hole cut into them Around the key areas

So parents can simply hold their non-toilet trained children Over plants, bins, gutters, etc For them to do their business Without any need for a change of clothing afterwards Google it at your own risk Fair enough Well, I don't want that in my history. No.

I found this out the hard way by trying to play a game with some three-year-old children that involved them sitting in a circle and me rolling a ball to them, with the recipient of the ball saying something in English. It was my first week in the country and I was yet to come across the split pants as they are remarkably well hidden sometimes,

leaving me woefully unprepared for the eyeful of children's genitalia that greeted me upon sitting down. A truly harrowing sight. Naturally, I confused everyone in the classroom by immediately making them all stand up to play a different game that involved fewer. Come on, kids. Sit down. Sit down.

Oh, get up. Get up. Get up. Let's all stand now. Good. That was part of the game. Well done. Good standing, everyone.

Good listening. That was the first test. So, that involved fewer opportunities for kids to come free and fewer chances for my belongings to contact their nether zones. My belongings. After his ball. Yeah, I think so, yeah. However, after the initial surprise, I soon learned to live with the occasional sight of my tiny students' teeny tajas.

And eventually, after a while, I more or less stopped thinking about it. It was just part of life in China, which I was getting used to despite the initial culture shock. I was even doing pretty well with my Mandarin lessons, as my tutor had taught me a method of trying to relate my learning to everyday situations that was proving quite effective. Don't worry, this is going somewhere. He reassures us. One day, such a situation arose from which I learnt the Mandarin word for slug.

And he put it in characters here. Biti Chong. Biti Chong. Can I see? Yeah. Up towards the top there. Towards the... Biti Chong.

Literally means snot worm, he says. Ah ha ha ha. That I don't think I'll ever forget. I saw a four-year-old child running through the classroom with something in his hand shouting bi di chong, bi di chong over and over again. I quickly got my phone out and searched for a translation of what he was saying.

As I checked, I heard a squeal from one of my Chinese colleagues. Buxi bi di chong. Buxi. Buxi. That's not a slug. Yeah of my Chinese colleagues. Buxi bitichong? Buxi. Buxi. That's not a slug. Yeah, buxi. Yeah. It's a S-H-I.

Yeah. It's hard even when they put it in English, in Roman letters. Buxi bitichong, she yelled. I understand clearly as they, that's not a slug. The other children were laughing uncontrollably at this point as the child set off again on another lap of the classroom, once again telling everyone he had acquired a a slug. The other children were laughing uncontrollably at this point as the child set off again on another lap of the classroom,

once again telling everyone he had acquired a pet slug. It turned out, as I'm sure you've figured out, one of his classmates had made use of their split pants and laid a small log on the floor. This young man saw it, had an idea, and quite literally picked it up and ran with it. Things took a turn for the worse when the child opened the classroom door

and threw the turd slug out into the hallway, where the head teacher was showing around a couple. B.T. Chong! Yes, we have nothing but the highest standards here at Smiling Valley Kindergarten. Slug! That's not a slug oh my god it's a turd

what are you teaching these kids where the head teacher was showing around a couple who'd come to view the school needless to say I didn't see them

come back I imagine they will have given the headmaster a brief howdy okay thank you howdy howdy

thank you howdy howdy howdy howdy howdy thank you thank you before swiftly leaving never to return Thank you. Howdy. Howdy is okay. Howdy. Howdy. Howdy. Thank you.

Thank you. Before swiftly leaving, never to return. Keep up the content and as ever, keep jacking it. Ryan. Well, the kid's not wrong. I mean, the slug is exactly how I described. If you can cast your minds back to the Bud Poo episode, where I had to sort of surgically take samples from a poo on the floor. It's very, it's like a big old slug.

It was like I was performing an autopsy on a slug. So that gets onto something. Oh, that's right. I remember you saying you were like jabbing this. I was like stabbing a slug on the floor to death. Absolutely disgusting. So, so revolting thanks Ryan that's really fun

is Ryan still in China I don't think so from context let us know we'll come back to you in fucking ages sorry I'll do a song while Pierre looks for the next letter I've come to quite like doing these songs.

It's a song to pass the time. It's a song that is all mine. It's a song that makes me want to sing along. Sing along to my own song. Sing along to your own song. Sing along. Let's all get along. Sing along to your own song sing along let's all get along sing along to his song sing along to her song sing along to their song come on um yeah we're gonna have to just cut this and

make it faster hang on sorry some of these are like good Pooh stories, but like, it's just people shitting on stuff. Yeah. Waking up and there's another shit on something. So just quickly summarize one. Okay. And we'd like to thank George for getting in touch. And just to summarize it,

to summarize it, he sent us the one about the person who took Imodium all the time to just to try and never shit Oh yeah The incredibly efficient bum bum Basically they were drinking in this room It was an L-shaped, this was when they were students L-shaped room with an en suite

Taking up like 25% of the room He slept in the hallway section And his other friends slept in the bed And they were beside the desk They woke up hungover thinking someone had farted. They looked around and someone opened the laptop. And there was a turd on the laptop. And the turd wasn't on the keyboard or the trackpad, but on the sort of spare bit in the corner quite artfully.

So there was just like... By the trackpad, next to the trackpad. I think he means on either side of the trackpad. Because he said corners, actually. Well, I mean, if you had to poop on a part of a MacBook with the sounds of it, it's good place to go on a lot of laptops and that configuration. If you had to poop on a laptop, you'd go there. No, no, no, no cracks, no crevices for it to get stuck in.

Yeah, wipe off. Actually quite a considerate way to poo on laptop and strange when there's an ensuite. Yeah, that's the real mystery here. Why? What was the person so drunk, they thought that the That's the real mystery here. Well, the person's so drunk they thought that the lid of the laptop was the toilet lid, and they lifted it up and did a poo. Is that... Ooh, that's a good idea.

It's not a good idea, it's a terrible idea. Well, your idea of what could have happened is a good idea. It's certainly a bad idea to poo on your own laptop, because you thought it was a toilet seat. That's an old saying, which means to sabotage yourself to poo on your own laptop. Never shit on your own laptop.

That's what people say. The other day, this happened. Well, you know what they say. Never shit on your own laptop. I know, I know, but... It's easy to say that now. It's one of those cheesy signs you can get to put up in your kitchen.

Never shit on your own laptop, embroidered on a big cushion. Never shit on your laptop, get your wife. Right, sorry, we didn't get through much correspondence there, guys, but we were running late because of being full of coconut milk. Do, again, keep sharing and recommending stuff

to your friends and writing in we may have to do another correspondence special just to fire our way through yeah i love a correspondence special it's worth it because you guys are so great when you write in and so funny and we're yeah we're only sorry we can't read out every word of everything we've ever seen sorry we're banging on today wanging on and novellying on today about Brexit and coconut milk. But next time we'll try to make more time for the correspondence. Okay, thank you. Bye!