BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 35 - Correspondents' Dinner 3: Prisoner of Azkaban

Episode Date: October 30, 2019

Episode 35! Correspondents’ Dinner Three: BudPod and The Prisoner of Azkaban!  Lots of cry laughing in this one. Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie indulge in their RIGHT TO BEAR CANS and go through your fantastic correspondence. The boys discuss genealogy, imperialism and vasectomies. Are YOU a Founding Farter? Do the boys reference poo a lot? Yes, but only via the works of Alan Moore and Germaine Greer! Why not sit on my ass and see how hard it is? Correspondence includes: wiping your bum on a wet hill, Louis Armstrong’s favourite laxative, using toilet paper mummy hands to pick up dumps (what if poos were alive?), friendly French urinal gay guy, poo-filled harem pants and a naughty story from DEADLINE NEWS! WHAT A SCOOP! [e-mail] or @thebudpod on Twitter Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's 35. 35, stay alive. Thank you for tuning in to the 35th episode of Budpod. Can't believe we're still here. Yeah, 35 hours, roughly, of pure poo-poo. Pure entertainment. Well, how quickly did the poo-poo take hold? I feel like it took a couple of episodes,

considering maybe episode 3 was an interview with gina martin about her campaigning campaigning and we did to bring in a new law about upskirting very poo light to that episode i would say in hindsight but it'd be wouldn't it be funny if like a character in a psychological thriller we listened back and it was just us and gina martin talking so extensively about poo and we just brushed it out from our minds completely. Maybe that happened. We flushed it out of our minds. We flushed it out of our minds.

35, I would say, is the kind of age where people in dramatic films about personal development shout that they are 35. What do you mean? Like they go out and say, I'm 35, for God's sake. Exactly. This isn't supposed to be happening to me. Exactly.

Or before they say that, if they don't think they have a problem it's it's like they're sort of she's my younger sister but she's always been like better than me and she's like a lawyer you know and they sleep on the couch for a bit she's always like you're 35 okay so it's like the first loser age exactly this is the this is that well this is the age where people uh it's a it's it's old enough that in movies no one watching can go hey leave him alone he's 28 yeah okay because that would be too complicated you have to make it 35 so it's old enough that the guy's definitely a loser and he's to turn his fucking life around uh but not so old that there's no point you might

as well just be a surfer now okay yeah yeah it's still too young to to give it all up and become a hippie in the woods it's the oldest young age that's a new segment what's the oldest young age and the youngest old age who's the oldest young person so the oldest young age i i could go as high i think 30 39 i mean it's not completely surprising or imaginative but 39 is the oldest young age well we also have a different point of view on it because we're comedians and so we know guys who are like hey bro you want to smoke some weed and it's like that guy's 47 he has grandchildren yeah yeah and he's got like a mortgage and a small portfolio yeah and you go oh there's no rules yeah that's what i like about comedy is

you go oh it doesn't also if you're a man you have as much time in the world as you want yeah balls are full of spum balls are always full of spunk i was i was talking yesterday to a friend of mine who's had a vasectomy really yeah dramatic very dramatic and um i was asking him about the procedure yeah um we did this quite loudly in a chinese restaurant maybe put off a couple of um Very dramatic. And I was asking him about the procedure. Yeah. We did this quite loudly in a Chinese restaurant, maybe put off a couple of our fellow diners. From their bowl of snipped balls. Do you mind?

We're eating here. They're just a white liquid. So the procedure is they don't cut off your whole penis, which is what i thought um they go on they go they go under your balls there yeah and they snip off basically they're two tubes one tube has the sperms yeah guys and one is the spunk the the fluid that carries them yeah um and so they go in and they cut off the sperm tube yeah so you keep on shooting the the fluid but there's no swimmers in it. It's empty fluid.

No way. Yeah, it's just empty old fluid. It's just fun fluid. And I said, do you have an option to do it the other way? Just cut off the fluid pipe and then you just squirt out dry sperm. Just like a cloud, just a dry cloud. Like mushroom spores. I don't know if you've seen a video of a seahorse giving birth.

Yeah, exactly. If you have the vasectomy done the other way, you aren't allowed in public swimming pools. Because it's just too dangerous. Yeah. Maybe that's how... Because you know there's that whole thing people say about one in five people in Europe is descended from Genghis Khan or whatever.

Which, just... Okay, we don't have time to go into this, but statistically, due to various things, pretty much everyone in Western Europe is descended from Charlemagne. Uh-huh. Just statistically. Okay. Go far back enough and everyone's related to everyone you mean yeah pretty much and because

the world now has because like the world in charlemagne's time had so many fewer people anyone who survived from that smaller number of people to create the millions and millions there are now yeah it's yeah we're all related to them anyway the point is maybe that's how gingus khan did it this was actually i read this um about um the you know when danny dyer they found out he was related to yeah from edward the third yeah and the person said this this was the episode that sort of killed off who do you think you are for me because we sort of are all descended from these people like you say there's so few people around that anyone is still alive now probably was descended from them in some way yeah it's it's it's because of a thing that's it's called something like the triangle paradox or whatever so if you put yourself on a little

map of your family right like you draw a little tree you do a little circle saying this is me and then you go above yourself you go and i have two parents yeah and i have four grandparents i'm with you and i have eight great-grandparents. Starting to lose it. So it's going up and up and up in number, isn't it? As you go past. Yeah. You're just one guy, but you have come from eight people. But in the past,

there were like 90% fewer people. So why is the number going up as we go back in time? Right. That's a triangle paradox. Yeah. And it's explained by the fact that so many people didn't carry on their genetic legacy or whatever, that the ones that did, it's actually the other way around. If you

think about it, the world is so busy now, we should all be going back to one point on the pyramid. I see. Back in time to one point on the pyramid. Yeah, Adam and Eve or whatever you want to call it. And that's part of the reason why we can just say mathematically, if you look into it, everyone is descended from these amazing figures from a thousand years ago because everyone else is dead yeah exactly yes it's just it just has to be true um so if you're it turns out i'm descended from noodley dupes of york and you go yeah i mean i would have assumed he was the only guy whose children survived everyone else had plague yeah so yeah good work and you have one great great

grandparent from york so there we go yeah but danny dyer walking around going oh i've got fucking royal blood was uh was pleasant i didn't enjoy that it was good it was good but i also understand the perspective of this person who wrote this article saying they sort of jumped the shark and if they're going to go that far back with people then you know they're going to devalue the point of the show because everyone was descended from there's no point what people want now is is for someone to realize that their older sister was their mom it's quite common in the old days yes of course yeah lying lying about who your mommy is secret mom secret mom in olden times it's another case of a secret mum.

That's our show. Who do you think you are but with jingles? Yeah, yeah. You're descended from a prostitute. Prostitute. Like just a little jingle for how many people. Isn't it Armstrong and Miller sketch where they do, where they're doing his, who do you think you are?

And just all his ancestors are prostitutes and like just to the point where the the sort of historians like a bit uncomfortable it's like um whore whore um yeah she was a whore yes she was also a whore what would you do if you looked into your your your ancestry and it was all just like the most evil dudes? I'd be so chuffed. But would you feel like an underachiever? Well, no. I'd say thank you for taking on the evil that I could survive and be less evil. Okay.

This is my general historical viewpoint anyway. Like, you know, I did um show about the empire and stuff and i always talk about um how um you know you can you know i don't know do it now but that i am more pro-empire than a lot of people um but it's more about how our ancestors took on the burden of evil for us so that we could live the lives we have now and consider ourselves good peaceful people but only not because we are nice but because our ancestors did the evil stuff for us yeah we don't have to do as much um raiding with swords they dominated the planet they defeated our cultural and uh economic rivals rivals rivals, racial rivals, religious rivals to an extent.

Yes. Spatial rivals. If you go far back enough. So we get to live in this peaceful world now, not in spite of the violence of our past, but because of it. I've noticed that there's a weird trend with some people who are like accidentally pro-empire,

but the empire is the Ottoman Empire. that can happen sometimes also well because they'll go the the middle east has been a mess ever since britain and france interfered in it yes exactly or like india as well yeah yeah well they weren't different empires so what you wanted to think their empire should have been the one just because they came from near about we were interfering with a different empire that's exactly that's unfair and you go yeah i know but you know i just i mean look my whole degree is early medieval history so the timelines i'm i've been trained to look across are so broad and everyone's such a cunt yeah that is just like everyone was a cunt i mean and they were good and there were cool things back then as well like for example even in like the i think it's in like the late 700s which i can't emphasize how long ago that is

all the sort of bishops and pirate kings and chieftains and whatever all got together to sign this one particular treaty that was like an anti-slavery treaty it had uh like rules for how you treat pows from wartime like you can't be cruel to capture... In the 700s? Yeah. Really? Dude, they're sitting around going, wow, being a slave sucks ass. And everyone's like, ass it doth suck.

Aye, aye, tis true, et cetera. And they're like, hey, if you capture someone in a battle, you should probably not like immediately cut their hands off or throw their dick in the sea. And everyone's like, yeah, it would be nice for both of us if we didn't have to worry about that mid-battle. Oh, yeah. And I mean, it's impossible to say how much it was held to,

but the fact that they all bothered to sail to Iona or whatever and meet in a monastery and sign the fucking thing. Really? It was like a conference. Wow. They had a big conference. They actually had quite a lot of conferences. That was one of the, it was interesting to find out they had conferences. Often the stuff they talked about was unbelievably boring.

That would have been badass to have been at that conference, though. It's like howling winds. Everyone's in these big old furs. And they're waiting for the delegation from Skye or whatever. Yeah, and from Iceland. Shaltaland. Something you used to call Shetland. The Shaltaland delegation.

And then in the background is just... Like monks singing and stuff. Oh man, I've been sick. Yeah, that's cool. That's a cool scene. And like, no one can be annoyed with you if you're late, because obviously... Yeah, it's like, sorry, I'm a month late. And they go, no, don't worry.

It's almost impossible to tell what time it is, let alone when we should be. It's almost impossible to tell what time it is, let alone when we should be here. It's daytime, and it's not going to be daytime for much longer. There you go. That's what time it is. Well, I mean, we were actually going to do a correspondence dinner. Yeah. Tonight we're a bit backed up, as we always are but this time backed up with letters and your emails and texts and they're always of such high quality and um

entertaining value that we're going to get through now yeah we want to give your poo it's due it's time for an episode of who do you think you are? Maybe your mom was a prostitute or sex worker. Your great-grandfather, he was a sailor. He went far away and he captured humans and sold them for profit in the southern United States. You're an MP, now you have to resign. It's unclear why. Uh, before we start reading, I would like to declare the right to bear cans. Ah.

Nice, I have already opened my can, because that's how aware I am of my goddamn rights. He's saying your rights. And you mustn't let the police tell you otherwise. Look, you have a right to bear cans. Okay? It's the... Our founding fathers built this country on the right to bear cans. And all cans are born equal in the eyes of God.

Yes. Look, they built this nation with their own two cans. Someone, I can't remember, was it Lewis? Someone, remember, tweeted like the full, like wrote out the right to bear cans in like old timey, like it was in the Constitution. Oh, really? Yeah, it was on twitter was it Lewis? we'll find it again

anyway for anyone who hasn't listened to that episode we very clearly established early on in the constitution of Budpod your right to bear cans yes and we're not particularly and this is in the workplace specifically because people bear cans all the time but as to people who don't have an office job we think that people who do have an office job should be allowed to boy that what looks like a boring experience with the right to bear cans whenever you like.

Have a drawer full of cans. Crack open a crafty one before lunch. Have an ice cold one with the boys and then go back to surgery. It's probably fine. How less suave would Mad Men have been if all the drinks were in cans? If it was just Tisky and Rollies. There's Don Draper going, well yes but of course the uh Volkswagen account But also having to keep going Anyway as I was saying

Excuse me There was a little burp there They're so gassy walking around And just munted in that unsophisticated way Just battered Also the recycling Can you imagine That's some kind of advertising firm

That's really funny In the background of all these shots, they're just bins full to the brim with crumpled cans. Yeah, exactly. As Peggy's talking about a raise. Yeah. And the guy's trying to look sexy by looking at her over the rim of a big can.

It's not going to work. Yes, so we're bearing cans. Please, if you're able to, bear cans at home with us. Yes, solidarity to all the can bearers out there. Emily has gotten in touch, Philip. Emily, Emily. Is she going to be smell-mally? There's only one way to find out.

I think she is going to be fairly smell-mally. Dearest Pod Buds, she's a day one Budpod bopper here. Can you believe it? I feel very honored to be among the lucky aggregate of early Budpod groupies. So she was here from day one. Yes. I don't think we have a name for Budpodders who are... The founding farters.

Founding farters. Yes. I like it. The founding farters. So congratulations, Emily. Founding farter father on being the first official founding father and do let us know if you are also

a founding father hey founding fathers get in touch and promised she promises to continue listening thank god ever faithfully until the enfeebled rasps of your final stinking tail haul themselves through my earphones for the last time okay thank you enough of the mush

I've been quite apprehensive to contribute any correspondence because of the quality of your regular stock but after hearing last week's deft retelling of a man's decision to wipe his bum on the corner of a building it's so vivid I can see it I'm working perfectly yes and what an intersection of shapes.

After hearing that story, I sometimes now think maybe buildings were built that way for that reason. Yes, that's the sort of thing a tour guide would tell you on a city break. And of course, you'll notice that the corners here of all the buildings in this part of the old town in Prague are worn smooth. Now, can anyone guess why that might be? And you'd be like, people's bum cracks. And you'd be like, exactly. Have you taken this talk before? Very good, sir.

Someone has been doing their reading. I sat and everyone laughs like, ha, ha, ha. And he holds up his umbrella and moves on. And now we're going to bum corner, which of course is the main. So, as a devotee of bum-based anecdotes i was crying with laughter at the image of a smeary butterflied ass print embossed on a random wall it would be like a rorschach test and what do you see when you look at this smear of shit on this wall a rorschach test and you would be like rorschach from uh watchmen you'd look at it and go i see a city in decline

i see people who don't even know what to do with their fucking shitty asses tire tread on And you would be like Rorschach from Watchmen. You'd look at it and go, I see a city in decline. I see people who don't even know what to do with their fucking shitty asses. Tire tread on Burr's stomach. Pooh stain on building corner. This city disgusts me. They'll look up at me with poop-covered hands and say, wipe me. And I'll say, no. It's good because it's Watchmen. It it's references it's a good comic book guy a guy having a really horrible time in a toilet cubicle you're trapped in here with me

um so um once i recovered i found myself reminiscing about some of my more wacky wipes and struck upon what i hope to be a bud pod worthy story with this tale of woe i transport you back to my bronze d of e expedition oh heady days a long time ago now but no less shameful for that i was placed into a group made up of seven girls from my school that i wasn't really friends with and never properly bonded with uh there was a sorts of girls who took themselves extremely seriously and would furiously deny that they ever farted Or pooed, etc Anyway, it was late into the expedition

This incident occurred We'd just eaten lunch and were now trudging down a wet road Towards the next break point All of a sudden, I felt the familiar pinch of a post-lunch poo Eagerly awaiting its release A PLP A PLP Parliamentary

Parliamentary labour poo release a plp a plp parliamentary it's because it takes a whole house to pass it yeah i was hoping i might have held off till we reached the campsite but uh that night but alas within five minutes of my first contractions i I was turtleheading. Turtleheading, yuck. Yeah, that's gross. Have you not heard that? No, turtleheading. Have you not? No, I've never heard that.

Turtling? Turtling? Prairie dogging? Disgusting. Really good. I think I remember from The Simpsons or from somewhere else. Whack-a-moaling? Could you say whack-a-moaling?

Whack-a-moaling, that's good, yeah. My friend Callum used to say, or quote, Mr. Brown's nose is in the window, which is a horrible thing. I think it's from The Simpsons. Anyway. After what felt like an age of sucking in and pinching, I finally announced I was just going to pop into the field next to the road for a quick wee.

Too ashamed to tell my group of my stinking associate. Refer to one of your interns as a, please excuse my stinking associate. Refer to one of your interns as a, please excuse my stinking associate. He has no manners. Mr. Bond? I'm sorry, my associate and me need a moment. I'm sorry, my associate didn't mean anything by this. Do forgive me.

I walked back down the road, leaving a good stretch of land between me and the other girls so that no one would catch me in what turned out to be my darkest hour. I climbed over a fence into a big field. The ground was quite uneven, made up of hollows and mounds. I found myself a relatively deep hole, pulled down my trousers, settled into a deep squat, and did my poo.

And what a relief it was. Suddenly, to my horror, I realized I had forgotten to bring any wipes or loo roll, having left my rucksack with the group. I panicked, knowing I would not be so lucky to... knowing I would not be so lucky to have had a clean run. Anyway. I began scrabbling around in the hollow, trying to uncover some kind of implement for wiping. A piece of moss was my first contender, but after testing it on my hand, I decided the soggy disintegrating fibers that came off it would not work.

Worried that I was taking much too long for it to have been a wee. Time is a factor when it comes to a poo lie. When it comes to lying about your stinking associates. You're never more aware of how long you're taking in the toilet. It's like that scene in the film where the spy gets left in the guy's office

and he's quickly using the chance to go through the drawers. You can hear the guy talking to his secretary. He's who knows how long i have oh god i'll be back any minute how long do we take you start going through every we've ever had how long was that was it this long there you go could this just be a really long way i have long ways or is it or is it that it was long it was long for a wee but it was far too quick to be a poo ah because so many people have long poos

yes you could say that it took you a while to get started because it can take you a long time to get started you get stage fright that's right

even on your own that's right there you go it's all adding up so worried I was taking much too long for it to be a wee

and trying to avoid discovery I became desperate I was still squatting with my trousers down in the middle be a wee and trying to avoid discovery, I became desperate. I was still squatting with my trousers down in the middle of a field, and there wasn't a suitable leaf in sight. In a state of panic, an idea came to me, an idea so grotesque and primitive that for a moment I forgot myself. I decided I would wipe my bum along the ground.

Not drag it, though. Nature's wall. The ground. Nature's wall. That would be quite a funny thing to say looking out on a view with someone ah the ground nature's wall what nothing uh not drag it though but hold my cheeks apart with my hands oh gosh and try and get a flush sit myself along at the top of another hollow and slide myself down to the bottom so that is filthy slow like a filthy sled ride but also like you're trying to like uh like a like like a mucky toboggan you're trying to slide down this slope but also keep your butt cheeks prized

fully apart imagine that it's gonna tear it apart. Imagine the risk of a nettle. Or a snail getting up there. Or just a stray twig even. The ultimate irony of course would be to do this and to end up wiping your bum with the shit of another animal. Yeah.

That would be the out of the frying pan into the fryer. I think that would actually be less humiliating. You go back and go oh my god you guys i sat in some rabbit shit and they go oh gross that's way better than going i shat myself that's true i did a huge poo and i i have a i have a poo bum yeah that is better um so uh sit myself at the top of another hollow and slide myself down to the bottom with her ashtray spread apart. So this is what I did.

It was a clumsy and humiliating affair. Although the grass was wet from some rainfall earlier in the day, I couldn't get enough momentum to get myself down in one push. And I ended up having to use my heels to drag myself down the short slope. Like when you get stuck on a playground slide and have to nudge yourself down the chute. Or a dog with worms. I've added that bit because that's what i thought of once i got to the bottom i sat there for a few seconds still holding my cheeks apart and contemplated what i had done i have never felt shame like it after wallowing in self-disgust for a while i stood up pulled my leggings back up and sheepishly sloped back up to the road towards my group uh i hope you

enjoyed this story uh look forward to the week's my group. I hope you enjoyed this story. Look forward to the week's part and those in the weeks to come. Koji, Emily. Great story, Smemily. Smemily, you were the Smemily-est in the end, but well done. I think you did really well. I think that was very ingenious. I think

you were presented with a problem and you came up with a solution with what you had at hand. You were like Bear Grylls. Yes. Is there a pun there? No. Bear smells?

What does he say? Improvise, adapt, overcome? Okay. Improvise Improvise, shadapt, overbomb. There we go. I think that's very good It sounds like it worked It does sound like it worked

Do you think it really worked? Do you think it worked enough? I think it worked enough Because I mean Wiping even with toilet paper Only does so much Apparently When the ancient Hindus

First found out About how westerners Wiped their bums Instead of washing it with water, the ancient Hindus presumed it was propaganda. Really? Yeah, they assumed like they'd been told this by people who wanted to make Westerners look like barbarians. Really? Yeah, they assumed it was a lie. They were so nice that they thought, well, I mean, look, I don't like them as much as the next man, but there is no way that that could be true. There's no way they just smear their shit around their bum with a piece of paper.

And then get up and go, that's most of it gone. Time to walk around. Oh, sorry I'm late, everyone. It is olden times. Jack gets in touch. Jack. Keep on, keep jacking it. Yeah, well, indeed.

Keep jacking this podcast. Dear baby poo eyes. That's nice. That's good. I like old poo eyes instead of old blue eyes. Old poo eyes. Baby poo eyes, yeah. That's why you call people brown eyes.

Old poo eyes. Old poo eyes. It's kind of unpleasant unpleasant but it's true after hearing phil wax lyrical about the delights of fiber supplements i think it was a couple episodes ago oh yeah i had some today did you yeah were they delicious yeah well then um my friend um who brought them in who was staying with us for a couple months he has left but um left the fiber supplements i might as well finish it fair Fair enough. Keep on pooping lovely fiber supplements. Pooping his memory.

I was keenly reminded... I poo a little bit on the ground in his memory. Hey, poo one out for your brothers. I was keenly reminded of everyone's favorite advocate of healthy shitting, Louis Armstrong. Ah, Pooey Armstrongstrong yeah pooey armstrong a lifelong fan of the herbal laxative swiss chris right he was known to give samples to almost

everyone he met supposedly leaving a box at buckingham palace for the royal stool i wonder where this place is the man himself on the louis line is it cool and carefree to ensure that each brown visitor passes through with as little effort as possible or does having such to where this place is the man himself on the louis line is it cool and carefree to ensure that each brown visitor passes through with as little effort as possible or does having such control over and enthusiasm for the finest details of your daily cack work push you over the line into try hard territory love the podcast jacking cars jacking dudes i think leaving merch at Buckingham Palace is the coolest uncool thing you can do. Yeah, but it's not even... It wasn't like he owned the company.

He's just such an advocate of Swiss crisp herbal laxative. I'm sorry, he was in adverts for it as well. It feels like he had some stake in the company. You're saying he was like an influencer? He was an influencer. He was an influencer. Louis Armstrong. For listeners who don't know, the Louis line reflects an absolutely

perfect universal balance between cool and uncool because Louis Armstrong went on Desert Island Discs and picked six of his own songs eight eight eight of his own songs and he was like look it's just what did he say don't blame me i just like i like good music it just so happens that i've made most of it i mean so that the reason that's the perfect balance listeners is because that is the coolest

like og thing to do like what an absolute don and also it's the most alan partridge ridiculous thing to do yeah and as a result he's achieved a perfect balance like a penny infinitely on its side yes of cool and uncool yeah so that's the louis line on that graph listeners yes thank you very much to jemima for getting in touch j Jemima and her bum Slimer. Ooh, that's nice. In this case, her bum Slimer is a woman called Rachel. Oh, okay. So she's ratting someone out.

She's ratting someone out. Rachel was attending a staff training day for a new job and during a group task, she felt the need to empty herself. Okay. So she politely excused herself and went to the bathroom. Should have done that as a group. That's right.

Team building. Push, Rachel, push. There were two stalls, so she decided to go to the one furthest away from the door for safety. Smart. And she went to the toilet and did everything as normal. However, when she tried to flush, disaster struck. It wouldn't go away.

She tried to stay calm. She didn't want to leave it because she was the only person who'd gone to the toilet. Because usually you can get away with that in the public. The next person to use the bathroom would know that it was Rachel's poo. She was trying to make a good impression on her first day for God's sake. Rachel waited for the tank to fill up again,

aware of how long she'd been in there. She definitely couldn't leave it now. She flushed again, but the bastard still wouldn't go. At this point, the game is up, right? Because if people have heard you wait and flush three times. If it's audible to the room you've come from, it's not down a corridor, yeah.

But still, again, the time factor comes in. Yeah, that's true. Because depending on toilet, you could be waiting five minutes for the cistern to refill. Yeah, we've got to assume. Then it says that Rachel panics and starts flushing a lot. So we're working with a pretty fast system here. Okay, okay.

Okay, it's relatively fast, but still, it's not working, Phil. And it's unclear whether or not it's not working because Rachel does poos that float or poos that stick. It must be float, because if it's stick, you'd pursue a different line of solution. Of inquiry. Of inquiry, yeah. Anyway, she came up with an idea, eventually you know what she did she just did the classic turn you wrap up your hands like you're an

egyptian mummy costume fish the turd out of the loo wow yeah you said classic and the when you said classic i thought oh i will have heard of this before no it's wrap your hands in loo roll and i've i've i have I guess you call it the mummy. Let's call it the mummy. The mummy returns for its poo. The mummy returns. There was a mummy, a haunted mummy. Was it scary?

Yeah, it was covered in shit. I have heard of this before. It's always ladies who have to do it as well. The number of women who have picked up their own shit. It's astonishing. When's Germaine Greer going to talk about that? Actually, she does a lot of talking and everyone seems very upset. She's written a book about it.

It's called The Female Poonic. You can't say it's not knowledgeable. You can't say this podcast is not erudite as well. Oh, that was a poo joke. Was it? Was it? Or was it a joke about literature that involved poo? Exactly.

Because if you don't know that Germaine Greer wrote The Female Eunuch, you won't get that joke, and everyone gets poo jokes, because they're just about poo. Exactly. So sit on my ass. Poo is the medium. We're painting a portrait of something else. Sit on my ass, haters. Sit on my ass. Who is the medium? We're painting a portrait of something else. Sit on my ass, haters.

Sit on my ass. I wonder what that's saying. Hey, sit on my ass. Sit on my... It sounds like, walk a mile in my shoes. We're good. Hey, try sitting on my ass. Oh, you think this is easy?

Why don't you try sitting on my ass? Oh, you think you could do better? better spend one day shitting through my ass i'd love to see it i'd love to see it someone with chronic diarrhea you think this is easy try one day shitting through my ass. If you had to shit through my ass for one day, you would be begging to go back to your nice little normal ass that you have now. Hey, try shitting a mile through my ass.

Hey, try shitting a mile through my ass, okay? God's sake. So, with her newly swaddled hands, Rachel descended into the toilet bowl and scooped up the poo. As she was telling me this, I was making sure I was a good friend by asking all the appropriate questions

about if it was heavy or warm. The journey was smooth with no interruptions, and she successfully transported the poo to the other toilet. Now for the moment of truth. She pushed the handle down, and praise the Lord, it was swept away. Why would it be different? Why would it be different than that? I was about to ask the same question. That's not the solution. Do you think it was now different because it was somehow weighed down by...

Presumably she removed her mitts Well this is always my solution When this happens to me I get a bunch of Lural And throw it on there wait for it to wet And weigh down the poo And suddenly you've got a little more weight Like you're trying to get rid of the body It usually works

I'm going to give this turd concrete shoes I bury my shits alive mention of your shits who came out alive they're horrible every single one begged with you hey hey hey hey what are you doing with that hey come on no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No. Every single one is like normal. Yeah, everyone just went, God.

That was a noisy one. Yeah, that was a beggy one. No one cried like a bitch. I don't know what I ate. That shit cried like a bitch. Or when someone comes back into the office with a big shit in their pocket and everyone's like, you gave in, didn't you?

You soft-hearted mook. You gave in and let it live with you. Live with you. What a horrifying vision. Sewers would be so noisy. Yeah, if you're like a weak-hearted people, he's a real shit adopter. Yeah, he's got a lot of toilet mercy about him.

Not someone we can trust to do the tough stuff oh for the god's sake appalling yeah um also in case you're interested uh it was a lot warmer than i would have thought wow koji jemima thank you well did it work did the second one work yeah it went away what she got away with it She fucking got away with it Hmm Why would the physics be different in Toilet 2? Maybe it just happened to have a stronger flush to it Yeah A stronger flush or maybe

You know what, sometimes maybe the turd was just tired Or fighting I think the tissue is a good point I think the tissue would have helped weigh it down a little Couple of big mitts in there Surely Thanks for that Adrian gets in touch

Adrian's wall Adrian's balls Adrian's balls Hey Double Peas I discovered your podcast on Twitter a short while ago After seeing an incredibly funny video Of Phil mocking a weird commercial Ah yes yes yes

We owe a lot to that It's amazing to me how much we get good listeners for the Budpod after seeing an incredibly funny video of Phil mocking a weird commercial. Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes. We owe a lot to that. It's amazing to me how much we get good listeners for the Bud Pod from you not just mentioning us in a viral tweet, but replying to a viral tweet. Yeah. People scroll down. Yeah, and also late on, frustratingly late on in the video's life cycle.

But, you know, there'll be more. There'll be more. Now to the story. Oh, I discovered them after that, he says And binge listen to them until I'm all caught up I love Marjorie's stories and all of Pierre's German's impressions German impressions, I think

A friend of mine was confused about How you say skeleton She was like What is up with Pierre's pronunciation of the word skeleton She thought you actually couldn't say Didn't know how to say the word skeleton. She was like, what a blind spot for this man to have. He can't say Skellington. Maybe we'll add that to the mythos of the podcast.

Right, right, right. People will start emailing in excuses to get me to say it. And it's all fake. Now to the story. This didn't happen to me, but to my big brother. After telling him about your okay thank you theory, he immediately told me to share with you his story. Oh, great.

Thank you, Adrian. Oh, yes, he is French. Merci beaucoup, Adrian. Ah. Pour ton... Oh, Réda, Adrian. Oh, je ne he is French. Merci beaucoup, Adrien. Ah. Pour ton... Oh, Adrien. Oh, je ne regrette Adrien. What's the story?

Histoire? Ton histoire? Merci beaucoup pour... Pour le... Cher. What's cher? Pour le... Hmm.

What is shit? Anyway Anyway So his brother's saying Please Tell my story After he finds out about Okay thank you

So there he was His brother With some friends Partying in the streets of Paris Going from bars to clubs Picture the scene Oh it's like a it's like a film. April in Paris.

Ooh, wonderful. As they entered a pretty wild gay club, he decided to go to the bathroom. We've all been there. To the bathroom. A pretty wild gay club. It's a pretty wild gay club. To be fair, I've not seen many tame ones. Rare is the tame gay club.

Look, it's a wonderful gay club where you can go for a sit down and a read. Yes, if it's pretty wild, it must be pretty wild. So, he needs to go to the loo, right? He goes to the loo. As he was peeing at a urinal, a guy came up and started doing his own business next to him. My brother paid no attention to him.

But as he was finished weeing, the stranger reached over, grabbed his cock, shook it to make the last few drops fall out, and then let it go. Stunned, all my brother could say was, Okay, thank you. Well, that's the end of it. It was just a helpful man.

A helpful, piss-loving man. That's the French for you. As we've discussed on this podcast there are no limits to what a man will do to fulfill a fetishistic desire yeah i think it's inspirational it's what got us to the moon yep eventually we'll find out that someone in nasa just wanted to fuck the moon they wanted to put their dick in a crater. They wanted to fuck a crater. And look where it got us. The moon. Love the podcast.

Continuez à vous branler. People always talk about going, like, we got to the moon, like it really helped out. But it didn't. All it did, that's where it ended.

We got to the moon. We don't all now have moon batteries. Well, we do have cool tech from the from the space race. Yeah. But, so, why don't all now have moon batteries. Well, we do have cool tech from the... From the space race, right? So why don't people just go, let's imagine we're all going to Mars and come up with a bunch of technology.

Let's not bother going to Mars. But now we have Velcro. We should... Well, it's the only way you can trick people into funding good science, isn't it? It's such a fucking carrot approach. Imagine if this was when listeners found out that we at Budpod don't believe the moon landings happened. Oh, man.

If it turned out the whole time that we were both just super into that. I think what we'd lose in sensible listeners, we'd gain in Joe Rogan listeners. It turns out he's given us some French slang, I think. Adrien has said, continuez à vous branler. Branler, it's spelled, branler. So I've looked it up, and it seems to be the verb, branler. Continuez à vous branler. So it must be keep jacking it.

So continue to jack it. But branler apparently means wobble. To wobble or to sort of Loose or loosen or oscillate I mean all those words Apply to wanking Keep on wiggling That's cute

How would you react if someone Reached a They're right next to you So it only takes a foot of movement For them to go from their hand on their dick To your dick Right So that's not much time to react is it So I guess you would freeze and just like a foot of movement for them to go from their hand on their dick to your dick. Right. So that's not much time to react, is it?

So I guess you would freeze and just... Right. But also, like, you've got to be pretty drunk to... You know what? I'd see the hand go to my penis, and then I would check in with their expression on their face to see what their if if they were openly weeping in grief you would be very like this is obviously very important to them and i'll let them continue but if they're like grinning like huh i'd be like get off really yeah i'd be more worried if they were like weeping i wouldn't like start a fight i'd be like

stop it what if they were angry like, weeping. I wouldn't, like, start a fight. I'd be like, stop it. What if they were angry, like, they literally were just like, shake your dick right, for God's sake. Then I'd be like, yes, I'm sorry, you're right. I'm sorry, sir. Yeah. I'm very submissive like that. I'd do a proper wee-wee. Yeah, I'll do a better wee-wee next time.

Reading emails, because we don't get through enough doing normal episodes. Alexandra. Alexandra has got in touch. Alexandra. Alexandra has got in touch. Alexandra, our new pal, Alexandra. Dear PP, she says, with a link to Urban Dictionary that defines PP as a part of your body that get hella hard. Nice. Thank you. If you're lucky.

If you're lucky. If you play your cards right, you're lucky. I've recently discovered the wonder that is Budpod And I'm still catching up on episode 20 So I hope you're still as obsessed with the world of poo humour 10 episodes later Oh no, the podcast really took a turn I'm afraid at 25

Mostly it's about the monastic lifestyle now But I felt that my poo related stories Were just too juicy not to share with you both Juicy poo Juicy poo Would it be harder or easier to get rid of It would be easier Because it would be heavier

You don't have air pockets in there That's what keeps it floating Battleships are heavy Phil And yet they float Yes but that's because of God. That's true. At the center of every battleship is a man praying, and if he ever falls asleep,

it sinks. Straight to it, Alexandra's Pooh stories. Number one, when I was about two years old, I was in the bath with my granddad. He was wearing trunks. Oh. I mean, it's fine. I wouldn't have minded either way. I don't think we would have thought anything ill. My grandmother was in the other room and expected the worst when my granddad started shouting to come and get me out of the bath.

Fortunately, no life-threatening emergency. While searching for the bar of soap in the water, my granddad wrapped his hands around what he thought was a bar of dove. It turned out I'd done a little poo in the bath. No more baths with granddad because he grabbed a poo. A sinker. A sinker. I've never, because he grabbed a poo. A sinker. A sinker. I've never heard of a sinker before. A sinker. A drinker.

A heavy clinker. Some kind of song about poo. Midnight Joker. I'm a better I'm into How does the original go? I'm a joker. I'm a smoker. I'm a midnight toker. Okay, so it's I'm a joker. I'm a smoker. I'm a midnight toker.

Okay. So it's I'm a sinker. I'm a stinker. I fall right into the drinker. Thank you. Good stuff. Number two. My mother woke up one night to a bit of a whiffy smell filling our house.

Okay. This is like a poo anthology. It is. Yes. Yes. A poo-tmanto of stories. I was still very small

and in bed with my mum and dad. So, mam and dad. Not to erase your dialect there, Alexandra. Ooh, Irish maybe. Or Northeastern. Ah. Me mum.

Anyway. Mam. Yeah. So she naturally assumed I needed changing. On discovering that I was clean She went to check the potty in the hallway The toilet was located downstairs in this house

So it was for mine and my older sister to use Since she was four To find it overflowing with the world's smelliest liquid poo Wow She proceeded to enter my sister's bedroom To find my sister completely pristine Lying in her poop-stained bed With a trail of shitty footprints and handprints

No How old is the sister? Four or five. Leading out of the room and down the stairs. My sister had woken up to find that she had shit the bed, so managed to go downstairs, switch the alarm off, which I guess they just had a downstairs alarm,

clean herself in the bathroom, and get back into bed, obviously thinking no one would ever know. Safe to say the room was never the same again. God, like she murdered a chocolate man. I'm just off to murder the chocolate man. Oh, well. Godspeed. Number three.

Nice short one here. My sister had an Indian culture day at primary school, which involved the children getting to try different Indian cuisines. Upon returning to my grandmother's house after school, she informed my grandmother that she didn't feel very well uh she was given a pair of jogging pants with elasticated ankles and you can work out the rest hashtag diarrhea harem pants wow so i don't know why she was given a pair of does she mean at the at school no by the grandma why if you're not feeling well like a nice comfy pair of pants?

Yeah, they're comfy. Anyway, she clearly chapped them full of diarrhea and they gathered around the ankles because they were... Oh, those usually have like a drop crotch as well. So they would have had a little nest resting as well. Oh, God. Wouldn't they? Literally filling your trousers from the ankle up with poo.

Awful. Man. Most uncool cool thing? Listening to rap or heavy metal music very loudly in your car with the windows down while going through the town centre. Yeah, terrible. Awful, awful, awful. Rap slash heavy metal is cool, but trying to make sure everyone can hear it is uncool.

Always a pleasure, never a chore. Keep jacking it. That's funny. Alex, that's funny. Ryan gets in touch. Ryan. I've already heard who you're sp ryan he's flying because he's a pilot so here's deadline news about deadline news that's right ryan gets in touch dearest pod boys the subject line is fired from deadline news a true story now for legal reasons where i'm just reading out ryan's email and this is just ryan's. Ryan's opinion. But I'm inclined to believe him because I like the cut of his jib.

Anyway. Dearest Podboys, I was frankly delighted slash disgusted to hear you mention my erstwhile place of work. Deadline news. Deadline news. In Edinburgh. Edinburgh's deadline news. What a scoop. What a scoop. In the most recent

episode of the podcast. I say place of work, but I managed two days of a trial week there before I was fired for, quote, embarrassing the Daily Mail. What? Indeed. Embarrassing another publication. Well, here's the thing. Deadline are a news agency, he says, which means national publications pay them to find stories on their behalf.

And although my time there was brief it was nonetheless abysmal uh on day one i was asked to go and perform what is known in the industry as a death knock where the journalist is sent to talk to the relatives of someone who's died oh mate which i always think is the least useful journalism because it's like we spoke to the mother of the child who was exploded with a grenade, and she was, checks notes, upset. Yeah. Yeah, I know.

I can fill in the blanks. Tell me when she's laughing. If she's like, ha ha, good, he deserved it. That's news. Well, that's suspicious. That's some deadline news. Yeah, that's some deadline news. But it just seems like grief poking to me.

It's horrible. It just seems like porn. Yeah. In my case, a young man had committed suicide in his home the night before and i was sent to his sister's house to ask her how she felt the night before what is there a time limit on this you better go get this story kids you might not be sad to murray oh man she told me quite rightly to quote Fuck clean off and declared me to be quote A fucking shite hawk

I agreed Is he there in person? Death knock Naturally looking back I realised this was a perfect Okay thank you situation but I didn't even leave time To say that as I hurried back to my car You poor fucker Day two is when the shit really hit the fan

The mail had asked someone to travel two hours out of edinburgh to try and get a comment from golfer colin montgomery's wife at their home as that date had been announced the pair were getting a divorce so let's go bother the wife all right i spent the afternoon sitting in a car outside the golfer's property doing nothing and managing to talk to no one because they weren't in. It was obviously a total waste of everyone's time. However, in a bid to at least do some journalism, I wrote a blog post, since deleted sadly, about my experiences and about how tabloid journalism is, in my opinion,

an industry full of loathsome cunts. Quite the blog post To upload in your career Anyway Someone from the mail read the aforementioned blog post And I got an angry phone call from the editor Of Deadline News At 1am During which I was told

You've embarrassed me, you've embarrassed the Daily Mail And you've embarrassed yourself I don't think he has I never want to hear from or of you again. What? They said they didn't want to hear of you. That's not in someone's control. If I ever hear about you.

I want you to not only never contact me again, but I want no one I know to know that you are real. I mean, this person sounds like a div. No, not Ryan, whoever called him up. You mean the person from Deadline News? Deadline News. like a div. No, not Ryan, whoever called him up. You mean the person from Deadline News? Deadline News. What a scoop. I can't believe he got called,

he got told that he'd embarrassed the Daily Mail by Spider-Man's boss. That's who I'm picturing. What was that guy's name? Jim, Jim, Jim, Jameson? Jameson. Jameson. It's Jameson, right?

It's James Jameson, isn't it? Jim Jameson right? It's James Jameson isn't it? Jim Jameson Get me pictures of Spider-Man Yeah I think that's it Do you reckon they're called Deadline News Because all they report on Is who is dead Who's on the line

Weird And then they review Edinburgh shows Odd Only ones where people die On stage Yeah Which to be fair It's more than enough to keep them busy

Your mention broke back The complicated mix of horror and hilarity I felt that night as that These are Ryan's words Pathetic piece of shit man Screeched down the phone At a young student journalist Keep up the good work, yours Jackingley, Ryan

If you're a full grown adult And you're screaming And you're showing adult emotion at someone half your age with zero experience in your line of work, you're a slug. That's pathetic. You're pretty much a slug and it's like...

Also, if you have no awareness of the nature of your work, I mean, sure, like, I mean, go I know aspects of this profession are unsavory, Ryan. But just so you know, for future reference, it can have negative professional consequences. Large publications such as the Daily Mail might take umbrage and get in touch in the way that they have tonight. Yes.

Just for future reference. And it's put me in a very difficult position. You've put me in a difficult position here. Yeah. And I know you didn't mean to. You've put me in a difficult position here And I know you didn't mean to But going forward You're going to have to consider this

If you want to pursue this line of work I mean that's fine, that's fair enough But to go, oh you've upset the devil Say sorry to the devil Well with that potentially legally explosive Piece of information It's time to say goodbye Allegedly.

Allegedly. Allegedly. You said all that allegedly. Those are my beliefs allegedly. Look, we all just think these things allegedly. And you know what? Guess where you'll find this podcast on iTunes, everyone? In the comedy section.

Yeah. Yeah. So maybe learn to take a joke. Yeah. Just calm down. Yeah. Snowflakes. Yeah.

Little snowflakes. Anyway. Yes. Thank you very much for getting in touch and uh we are still not caught up but that's fine yeah i know but we've made a good old poop shaped dent yeah well thanks so much guys have a great old week um like and subscribe and give us five stars just and just recommend it to people who you think will like this kind of thing and won't find us vile and absurd vile and absurd vile and absurd your won't find us vile and absurd. Vile and absurd. Vile and absurd.

Your taste in comedy is vile and absurd. If you like this, then you are vile and absurd. And have a good week and keep jacking it. Bye. Bye.