BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 37 - TAT ATTACK!

Episode Date: November 13, 2019

Attack Of The Tat! Rock out to some AdRock! Phil’s voice, right to bear cans will never be abused, Phil is off to China, who looks English? THE VERY FIRST TAT ATTACK! We’ve been enjoying all the awful TAT you’ve sent us, including SIX LITTLE STORIES WITH A LOT OF MEANING. Phil is still angry about Task Master. Check out Johnny White’s latest show on BandCamp here! https://johnnywhitereallyreally.bandcamp.com/album/unending-torment Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Watch it! It's 37! It's 37! Is that a good voice? Yeah, a good sort of prog rock. Not prog rock, glam rock. 37! 37!

37! That's nice. What is that? That's almost like... It's like advert rock. You gotta buy more burgers. Fresh flame grilled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ad-rock.

Ad-rock is nice. It's got what I used to call Metallica vowels. Er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, E-I-O-U E-I-O-U E-I-O-U Sandman Into the Sandman It's weird that they've got their own vowel system. Is that Metallica, that song? Into the Sandman

Into the Sandman It's a good song. They're good, they're good They're a weird bunch, but they get the job done That's what people say About Metallica Have you ever walked the metal walk? For a brief period In my childhood

When I was convinced that I was sad i and i was and i thought ah well i guess sadness is uh my personality type so i better find them the the right music to to pair with it and i and i thought, heavy metal seems the ticket. You were like young Mr. Burns. One metal, please. And I tried it and I thought, I can't understand a word they're saying. And then I found the Great American Songbook and the traditional jazz and the crooners, who are the opposite. They enunciate every word perfectly. Yes. the crooners, who are the opposite. They enunciate every word perfectly. Yes, and also, even when they're singing about being sad,

it's in the kind of, you know, luck be a lady tonight sort of. Yeah, there's a bit of hope there. I'm thinking of you, but I'm on my own. But I'm on my own with whiskey. Yeah, so it's not so bad. I realize my stand-up voice is from crooners. Like, hey, hey.

It's all Bing Crosby crooners. Yes. Someone was saying, someone asked me once, like, oh, has Phil always done that thing where his stand-up voice sometimes strays into, and I can't remember what they said, but it wasn't crooners.

They got it wrong. And I said, no, no, no, that's like 30s to the 50s Golden Age of Vegas. Yeah. And once I said it, they went, oh, fuck, of course. Yeah. Hey, Pally. That whole thing, yeah. What was that character called on the Conan O'Brien show

where they did the ghost? Oh, he's so funny. Yeah, it's based on that. Hey, Irish people worship pagan rocks or whatever it is. Women should be pregnant every day. Yeah, he's like an old-fashioned ghost. He's the ghost of an old crooner, but he's also brought with him all his old-fashioned views. It's such a funny bit

do look it up conan o'brien like crooner i guess it's during the golden age of conan o'brien in the noughties yes yeah yeah um and it's a character i can't remember what he's called um but it's so funny um yeah that yeah for me that that voice was snapped in place literally as i got on stage for my first live with apollo before that i didn't it didn't really i didn't really have it and i got on stage and suddenly just sort of i remember it developing yeah because you were because you were trying to loosen up you started doing improv i think i started improv after it but but you but i remember like you were always aware that you wanted to be looser because i remember once once when we were at university together being in the Illuminati, you decided to do a gig without really having your material fully fleshed out.

Yeah. And you came off stage and you looked like a character in a sketch that's supposed to be sort of… Disappointed? No, it was like you'd you'd you'd only just managed to get through airport security with a log of heroin up your ass oh no i came on i came off the stage i remember bereft because it hadn't gone terribly yeah but you weren't bereft in that okay sort of way you were like oh oh fuck i'm never doing that you said i'm never doing that again it was there was an adrenaline to it

Oh really? It wasn't like Charlie Brown walking along with his head down I remember it as sort of George Michael In Arrested Development With his head hung Which I think is Charlie Brown Yeah exactly

It was a real adrenaline to it, I think. Just before I continue, I'd like to hereby declare my right to bear cans. It's the sound of freedom, everyone. I'm starting to worry that I've begun to use the right to bear cans as a cover for a burgeoning alcohol dependency. I've begun to use the right to bear cans as a cover for a burgeoning alcohol dependency. Are you somehow suggesting, Phil, that legally enshrined rights can be abused by people with mental illness? No, I would never say that. Maybe just in this one isolated case.

Yeah, I mean, it's not like it's going to develop into some kind of thing. Like a culture. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. People aren't going to start taking cans into school. No, no, no, no, no. People aren't going to start taking cans into school. No, no, no. No. Be it rogue actors with an enormous private collection of booze. They're not going to go and wield that irresponsibly in some way. You know, if you have a can at home,

it's more likely to be drunk by a member of your family than anyone else. And you know what? Even if you secure your cans properly, if they do get stolen, then they're very likely to be used in drinking-related crimes. Yeah, so lock your cans up. That's all.

Yeah, we're just... Look, we're just calling for responsible... Well, drink responsibly. Look, Phil, I live in a bad neighborhood So I sleep with a can under my pillow Just in case You need to take the edge off If I hear gunfire or screaming

I'll quickly get the can out Oh my god And then I'll sleep fine I'll be alright Or if someone breaks into my house, at least I can offer them a can. It's just peace of mind, Phil. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a can

is a good guy with a can. A bigger can. A bigger can. Like a pint can. Who can drink more. Anyway. The parallel there is a gun. can. Like a pint can. Who can drink more. Anyway, if you have a parallel there is guns. Yes, if you weren't picking up on it, listeners,

what Phil and I were doing there is we'd switched guns in the American context of the gun debate with cans. And it's exactly that kind of almost surgical wizardry that makes top-level comedy what it is. Although we're now a little guilty

of a phenomenon we both hate, Pierre, which is a British use of a uniquely American phenomena for comedy, as if it is a thing here. I don't know if you... You might see this on Twitter a lot. Listeners, sort of young, cool kids online making

sort of sassy political statements about issues that are actually American. Like you might have someone going... What was one reason you said someone's talking about ice so yeah ice is an ice the american anti-illegal immigration anti-immigrant force the border force

essentially and it's just like british people going on about how bad ice is and you sort of go yes but what who is this for i I mean, you aren't American. None of your followers are particularly American. Yeah, I don't really see it piping up. Because they weren't doing it in a way of like, oh, by the way, things are happening abroad as well. We're not against that, listeners. Obviously, you know, raise awareness of bad things. However, this was someone tweeting as if it was like,

there's a way of talking about something as if it's like right guys you know like we all know from our everyday lives we have to do something about the new governor of alabama yeah exactly exactly exactly do you remember there was that writing campaign i remember it being covered on have i got news for you where loads of british people wrote to people in this one swing state saying please don't vote for george w bush all right and all the replies they got were like you fucking tell me how to vote like like all the replies i got were so fucking angry and they're like well now i am going to vote for him and they were just like if we wanted to align me to tell us how to vote we wouldn't have kicked your asses in 1700

what is even the thought process I would go through a person and say oh I know what will convince these hardcore republicans foreigner advice also like I know what will convince someone who's from the south but they're still going to vote democrat

I know what will annoy them into voting as a patriot, in quotes. Foreign interference from exactly the kind of parsimonious little fuck that they hate in their own country. Regardless of the different type of spoken or written English and the different cultural references, they will be able to smell the Harvard Book Club coming off that page. They'll smell the red coat.

Yes, they will. They will smell, yeah, exactly. They'll smell the salty smell of British imperial ships and decks. Yes, so apologies for talking about the American gun debate listeners, although we do have American listeners. We do have American listeners, and so that bit was for you never let it be said that we don't cater for our cousins over the pond that's right and for any canadian listeners uh well yeah we covered trudeau blacking out yeah we do that is now canada's main cultural touching

point and it's made me so happy Because for so many decades We were like, ooh, we're just the nice guys, eh? Not anymore Not anymore And I regret saying it, true colours I don't regret saying it I really enjoyed that Yeah, and also just the fact that he blacked up his shins

And the inside of his ears For playing hockey For playing hockey see oh my word anyway Pierre's been on the road all week so sorry about the phone in episode last episode

phoned in in more than one way from my point of view at least. And we are pre-recording a lot of these, by the way, listeners, because Old Philippou is off to his, I guess, technically ancestral homeland. Yeah, I'm off to China on Monday. Main land China. Red China on Monday. Mainland China. Red China.

My ancestral part of China is Hainan, which is a sort of odd island off the coast of China. Is that right? That's where my dad's dad is from. What's the group there called? The Hainanese. The Hainanese? Mm-hmm. I could have figured that out. If you gave me enough time and some crayons, Phil, I could have figured out that called the Hainanese the Hainanese I could have figured that out if you

gave me enough time and some crayons Phil I could have figured out that that was Hainanese try three or four at least I think yeah yeah okay Hainanese but I'm going to Shenzhen yeah and I'm going to Beijing and Shanghai yeah those I've heard of those Yeah. I'll be going to be all over really, and I'm really looking forward to it. Is it gonna? Will will they like if you say if you go there, right, and you speaking to some guy who's like, just properly just from Beijing? And you go, Oh, yeah, I'm part high knees or whatever. Well, they'll be like i thought so you've got the what

you know like i don't think so my my my bloodline is now so mixed with all these other things i look i look like a little more filipino than i look like mexican so do you think they'll be like confused like what will they be like what the fuck's going on here? You know, sometimes Chinese people are really impressed that I can speak Chinese. But some Asians presume... Like when we go to Chinese restaurants in London, usually they'll speak to me in Chinese. Yeah. When I was in Japan, people would speak to me in Japanese. Really?

Yeah. Not all the time, but a couple of times. I can see that. Yeah, yeah. Not all the time, but a couple of times. I can see that. I only get it when I'm visiting Germanic countries. Yeah, yeah, that looks the type.

I got spoken to in Danish like three times on the Copenhagen metro. Absolutely, yeah. And I had to be like, please. Please. Please, I can't help you with whatever the fuck this is. And then because it was Copenhagen, they all immediately went, oh, I'm very sorry. I wanted to enjoy your holiday.

Like immediately fluent English. People always talk about white privilege, but they don't talk about white burdens. And I think one of the white burdens is traveling throughout Europe and people presuming that you know their language. That's right. And not looking English enough. And I would say, based on all the evidence I've ever heard, I've been told by English and non-English alike,

I just don't look English. What do you think looks English? I think it's a sensibility. It's a dress sense, certainly. It's a dress sense. English abroad is a dress sense. English abroad is a dress sense. I think there are two mainstream types of English-looking head.

Giant thug head, like we talked about. Chewing gum head guy. The England rugby line-out guy. Yeah, and Nigel Thornberry. Of the Wild Thornberries? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like the kind of nose that the Duke of Wellington had.

That really sort of Roman nose with a line. And that kind of strong thing. It makes you look like a very cruel Victorian governor. You know what I mean? Like the English aristocrat face. You look at somebody and you go, your name is fucking Tristan or Colin or something.

It's a face that owns land. Hugh Dennis. Hugh Dennis. Do you think he's got some aqualine features? Well, he looks English. He looks like a landowner. Yes, you're right. He does look very English.

Who else looks very English? Listener send-in, who do you think looks very English? Of either kind. Yeah. Ross Kemp looks fucking English. Yes, Ross Kemp. Ross Kemp has got an Englishman's fucking head. Every now and then you'll see an Eastern European, like, Ukrainian thug who looks English, just because they look like Ross Kemp has got an Englishman's fucking head. Every now and then you'll see an Eastern European,

like, Ukrainian thug who looks English just because they look like Ross Kemp, essentially. Greg Wallace? Yeah. He's very English. Yeah, he looks English. Oh, puddings. Oh, fuck.

With his little coconut there. Who looks like posh English? What's his face? Rory McWalking everywhere. I mean, the funny thing is, and you can take this for the high-level satire it is, the royal family I don't think look particularly English. No. Well, Harry looks like he's from fucking Cork.

He looks Celtic. Harry looks pretty resolutely Celtic. Prince William looks pretty English now, I think. He's got the nose. I mean, he looks Germanic to me. That's true. And they are Germanic. I mean, Prince Philip is Prince of Greece and Denmark originally,

but they were still Germanic aristocratic lines. Like the houses themselves were still full of German blood in the same way that ours is. This house is full of blood! Wait a minute! German blood! It's wine o'clock somewhere. Give me the coffee and no one gets hurt. Bless this mess.

I like two things. Pals and Prosecco. And I'm all out of pals. One Prosecco, two Prosecco, three Prosecco, floor. If the wife asks, I'm working. Keep calm and keep drinking tea. Tat Attack! That's right, it's Tat Attack. It's the first ever

Tat Attack segment, everybody. We've been receiving so much wonderful and horrible, disgusting household tat. We've been attacked by tats. We've been attacked by your tats that you've been sending in. And we've been receiving so much wonderful and horrible disgusting household tat we've been attacked by tats we've been attacked by your tats that you've been sending in um and we've really enjoyed them in a sort of uh masochistic kind of way so if you do see tat about the place uh do send it in tat is things like you know little signs around the house that say god bless this mess or um it was it was clean when we got here anything like that please send it in um drew on twitter sent in a good one drew drew how very

shrewd uh and it says uh different rhymes with confident well it doesn it doesn't, does it? No. What is this on? This is on Twitter. This is Drew on Twitter. You mean the sign appears to be in a window or something? Oh, that's like an advert. Yes. I won't say the hashtag because otherwise that's what they want. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, different rhymes with confident. And I think historically, if you look at... It really doesn't rhyme with confident. The Hunch historically, it really doesn't rhyme with confident. The Hunchback of Notre Dame wasn't sassy. He wasn't like, whatever, bitches, I live in a tower. He wasn't like super confident. Ding dong.

Ding dong. Bells, have you heard of them? Like he wasn't really... Different rhymes with confident. If you make confident rhyme with different in a in a poem you know what it come across people come across different as a poem it would come across confident exactly it would not be a confident effort no it would be a bad effort and it would make your poem different which i guess now makes it confident because they rhyme also

even if they do rhyme they're not technically saying one should lead to the other yeah it's like oh like fork rhymes with dork but it doesn't mean you should bully forks yeah well i stopped using them yeah what do you like different rhymes with confident okay no it doesn't but what do you mean by that if if it did uh what would that mean what do you mean by do you mean everyone should try and be different? Isn't that the same? Isn't that everyone is the same now? Also, and this is a routine I once tried to do, but it didn't work for reasons that will become clear. There are scales of uniqueness.

Says who? Says me. Because. Because, Phil. Let's say you have a snowflake over here, right? One little snowflake. And it looks a particular way because all snowflakes are unique. Yes.

Under a microscope. Okay. So in this little microscopic temperature-controlled environment is a single snowflake. And then the second object in our comparison is another snowflake. And that's completely different, isn't it? Because they're snowflakes. They're all completely different under a microscope. And then the third object is a dildo. All three of these objects are different, but one is more different than the others.

Is the dildo snowflake-sized? Or normal-sized? Normal-sized in my head when I imagine this. Okay. For me, it's like you can pan across with a microphone without changing it, and you'll see snowflake, snowflake, dildo. And it's like the same scale. In my head, it was panning across at snowflake-sized,

and then suddenly going ring and zooming out loads to reveal this rubber penis on a sort of stand yeah yeah um so like yeah they're all three objects are different technically but you know one of them is the most different uh i and therefore the most confident when i was on the tv show taskmaster i was infuriated by a challenge. Yes. Which was put 50 different objects in this bin. So to run around the Taskmaster house and find 50 different objects and put them in the bin. Yeah.

Now I ran around and I made sure to get 50 items that were to their core different. They were essentially different objects. They were not duplicates of each other. They were essentially different objects. They were not duplicates of each other. They were all different things. Right, so you went like, you wouldn't even get two types of fruit, say. Yeah, exactly.

I might get a banana and an apple. Okay. But those are two different things. You wouldn't get two different types of apple even. No. And this took me ages. And when we got to the studio day, when we watch each other's attempts,

the others, like, like James A a cast put in like 30 pebbles what and okay and they said yep fine so and he did that in a second and i said wait what he said 50 different things 30 pebbles are they're not different things they're differentbbles are... They're not different things. They're different pebbles, but they're the same thing. But they're right in the sense that it's different objects. Different, yeah. But that's the trick, isn't it? That's how they've tried to fuck you up with lateral thinking.

All the most annoying crossword clues. You'd think so, but the way they reacted was the first they thought of it when I said, no, you mean different things. Those are not different things. They're duplicates of the same thing. So like that's the first it was the first they thought of it when i said no you mean different things so there's not different things so the duplicates of the same thing so in a way they were approaching the trial as as the the task is if it's going to be

difficult to fit fit most objects into this small bin like almost it was a size thing for them it wasn't a size thing it was a big bin it was like an outside your house council bin oh right it was a big bin so the space space was not an issue okay yeah i think that's well look i love lateral thinking twists so as a you know i was very entertained because they should have said but i'm still annoyed if 30 pebbles was admissible the challenge should have said But I'm still annoyed on your behalf. If 30 pebbles was admissible, the challenge should have been put 50 things. Yeah. 50 separate things. Is a pebble an object?

Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be? But they're all different objects. If it's different pebbles. Because the pebbles are like different in the same way as a snowflake, no? But they're in the same category. What about 50 ping pong balls? All made to spec?

All identical? That's true. But I guess they're separate objects. But they're not different things. They're the same thing. Yeah, the use of the word different is the problem. Yeah, it is. I'm still annoyed about it.

Yeah, if they said put 50 individual objects objects just throw some sand in there almost immediately a big handful of sand just fuck you or just oh just atoms from inside your lungs i should have done that i didn't i wasn't thinking outside the bin you gotta think to think outside the bin. You got to think outside the bin. Anyway, thank you. Who sent that in? It was Drew. Thank you, Drew. It's my right to back hands.

All hail the right to back hands. Thank you, Drew, for drawing attention to this absolute nightmare of marketing. Really horrible. Oh, here's a good one sent in by the letter W. Right, that's the name? Or it could be the letter W. Okay.

I'd just like to say thank you. We owe you a lot. I loved your cameo on Sesame Street. They do get the best guests I find. Sesame Street. They've built up so much goodwill over the years. Yes, thank you, W, for all of your work at the start of the word work and work.

Yes. So W sent us a wooden sign that says, May this caravan always be blessed with good health, wealth, love, and happiness. Now, that is almost too unwieldy to be tat, isn't it? Because it's a long sentence good health wealth and love and happiness and it's sort of an it's an etched wooden sign and it's like very landscape in order to fit in all those words it looks burnt on like burnt wood art may this caravan be blessed with Always be blessed

May the caravan always be blessed Unceasingly be blessed They want no ambiguity here About when the term of blessing ends Forever No days off, no weekends, thank you And is blessed with good health, fair Wealth, in which case

Why are you in a caravan? How much wealth would you have to be blessed with in your caravan before you just went i'm not going to stay in this caravan anymore i'll buy a house or ultimately if it's a holiday caravan it's unclear i'll go on holiday to somewhere where i don't have to drive a big fucking thing behind me on the road I've stayed in a caravan and it wasn't bad, bits of it were really great, but you know if I had a billion pounds

and you saw me in a caravan, you'd think I was trying to run for office who are you trying to appeal to? okay, so that's the wealth thing, love and happiness, surely one is I think you can be happy oh, can you be happy without love? Okay, so that's the wealth thing. Love and happiness. Surely one is... I think you can be happy... Oh, can you be happy without love?

It should be love and therefore happiness. Love and therefore happiness. That would be an even longer sign. That's... The last thing they need now is more words. Or they had no faith in the general public knowing the philosophical logic shorthand for therefore, which I believe is a triangle made of three dots.

Oh, yes. We use it in engineering. Yeah. So we would have looked at that and gone, love and alien lasers happiness. Oh, wait. Therefore. Oh, fuck. But I mean, yeah, that sign doesn't need help being unwieldy.

No. No. No, no, no. Was there another? do you do you think oh i'd like i'd like to thank um matt uh on twitter for sending in a picture of um what's his face from spider-man saying bring me pictures of colin montgomery's wife which was very funny reference to a part of our mega correspondence dinner. Oh, that was why I'm looking for. Here we are.

I'll just retweet this now because I missed it at the time. Thank you, Jennifer. Six little stories with a lot of meaning. I didn't retweet this, so you might not have seen it. Okay, what is that? Well, I'll tell you the six little stories with a lot of meaning, and didn't retweet this so you might not have seen it. Okay, what is that? Well, I'll tell you the six little stories with a lot of meaning

and you can decide how to respond. Number one. Once. That's the start of a good story. Once. That's when you know it's going to be true.

And it's not in the future. It's not happening tomorrow. No, no, no. It's not one of those future stories that people try and trip you up with. It's not Black Mirror. Not Black Mirror here try and trip you up with it's not black mirror not black mirror here it's like something out of black mirror should we add that to shit vance shit uh i guess it's out of date now but there was a period where it overtook a turn

britain off and on again yeah i i was um a big fan of uh saying whilst i was watching an episode of black mirror this is like something off of Black Mirror. Okay, so six little stories with lots of meanings. Which to me... Lots of meanings or meaning? Lots of meanings. Which to me as a writer means possibly very bad stories.

Yeah, yeah. Or so complex. Just very open to interpretation just who knows what they mean i don't even know why i told you just so this is just like a picture with these listed yeah uh it appears to be from a book uh what was it from reposted by a friend currently under review says jennifer that's funny okay so she's reviewing her friendship with this person on the basis of this originally care care of suspendedcoffees.com, who quote, restore faith in humanity by highlighting the simple acts of kindness happening all around us. Oh, restore my faith in humanity is one of those fucking wretchable...

This is restore my faith in humanity? Oh, like, you're so perfect, are you? Huh? Everyone's wrong but you, and you're... Oh, you have the right to have your faith restored in us. People are there doing research to cure cancer. All the time. Your faith in humanity is restored.

Good, great. Now we've got you on side. Also, you lost your faith in humanity? You were lying. Oh my God. You were there like the most traumatized Vietnam veteran. I've seen men do things that not even a dog would do. And that gaping chasm in your mind has been cured by a CCTV camera video of a toddler letting go of a balloon and a man catches it.

You're watching that and you go, I don't how many ears I saw a man take his trophies I love humanity again Anyway So the sixth story This is their mission Six stories with lots of meanings Lots of meanings Number one

Once All villagers Yep Villagers or villagers? Villagers Okay villagers? Villagers. Once, once, all villagers decided to pray for rain.

All of them. Okay. On the day of prayer, all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella. That is faith. Right. So they're saying, one day all the villagers That is faith Right

So they're saying One day all the villagers Prayed for rain The villagers Where do they live? In the village You know All the villagers prayed for rain That's not faith, it's anxiety

That kid has a problem Also If that's the yardstick of faith why are they all wasting their time what kind of group think nightmare you know what does that say about the villagers why are they bothering to pray if it's like surely they should all turn up and look at each other and go well none of us think this is gonna fucking work yeah they don't believe well i can see you know i can see no one else has brought an umbrella are we really doing this or what?

Yeah. I only came because you wanted me to come. Yeah, I have other things in the village to do. This village won't run itself. No, we're all out here praying for rain. That little boy should be in school. Or an idiot. The little boy's an idiot.

And the villagers have to go, look, little boy, this is more of a kind of guy forks cultural thing also if we're if we're in a time where villagers are congregating to pray for rain do umbrellas exist where'd you get that what the fuck is that oh boy we hailed as a god it's made of what it's got this button where it has extendable metal oh slow down you had you lost me at What the fuck is that? Oh, boy, we hailed as a god. It's made of what? It's got this button where it has extendable metal. Oh, slow down.

You lost me at button. If you opened it, they'd scream and kill themselves. If you opened it, they'd pray to you for rain. Not the fucking sky anymore. We're in Victorian England. Down these villages. Coming together to pray for rain in a field. This little kid with his parasol, the campus boy. Okay, that's a story with lots of meanings.

Story one, lots of meanings on that one. A lot of meanings. Number two. Also, there are lots of meanings, but at the end of the story, they tell you the one meaning. Yes, I think... The meaning is, that's faith. By the way. By the way.

There's lots of meanings, but here's the right one. Looking ahead, glancing ahead, Phil, I can see that that will happen again. Okay, great. So... I love... I forgot I love these garbage stories. There's something for everyone. Number two When you throw babies in the air

They laugh Because they know you will catch them They laugh because they're thick They laugh because they don't understand Consequence yet Can you guess the meaning? The correct meaning out of all the meanings The correct meaning is

I mean in a sense it's our faith again isn't it it says that is trust which is like is that the same as they're repeating themselves yeah and that babies laugh when you throw them in the air because they can see you don't have an umbrella otherwise they'd hit their heads on it. That is trust faith. Also, it's the same as faith, because when you're a baby, your parents are God, as far as you're concerned. And they haven't got some kind of long reputation with you.

You're not like, well, I have a... I trust this guy. I really trust this guy. And they go, you trust plug sockets. You haven't got a fucking clue. That's why you're such a danger to yourself, you stupid baby. Yeah, the moral of that story is babies are... Oh, I burped at the end there. I need someone to come over and burp me like a baby.

Also, like, babies aren't laughing and thinking in their heads, I trust this man. He will save me from this thing. Also, if they really trusted you, they'd be like, why are you throwing me at all? Yeah, they'd have their brows furrowed like, what's all this? I trust him because he repeatedly puts me in danger,

but actually it wasn't real. Just to show me who's boss around here. He could kill me with a single strike. I can't hold my own legs. These are intimidation exercises. Yeah, he's laughing like the way a panicked shopkeeper laughs at the mafia good joke fellas it's just terror i'm really enjoying um um trying to figure out what

the meanings of each story is so what's story three story three every night every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarm to wake up i mean first off not a story no where were the characters where was the development um that is hope yes yes tat master filling Tatmaster Filwing That is hope Apparently that qualifies you for hope Is going to bed Not immediately obsessing about the fact that you might

Die in the night That is a low bar If you go to bed And you have things to do the next day And you reach over to your alarm clock And you just go Why bother That is depression

that is a bigger problem than hope or nothing like not bothering to set an alarm because you go what's the point like that would be a sign of depression in someone with a terminal illness. Never mind just a guy. I love these. What's the story for? Also, if you do die, it's not like, well, I wouldn't want to die and then be woken up by my alarm. You won't know. You'll annoy the neighbors. It's a zero

sum game. Yeah, I guess. Number four. We plan big things for tomorrow In spite of zero knowledge of the future Sounds a lot like The alarm story It is very similar We plan big things for tomorrow

Despite knowing nothing for the future That is ambition Close That is confidence To plan. That is confidence. To plan big things for tomorrow is confidence. Again, it's just not being very depressed. It's not being phenomenally unwell and suffering, which, I mean, again, that's the thing.

Some of these twee things have a really low bar. I mean, in their defense, it is still desirable. Yes, yes, that's true. But it is not strictly confidence, I would say. Number five. We see the world suffering, but still, we get married and have children. What? That is the start of a Joker speech.

That's something the Joker would say. We see the world suffering, and yet, despite all that, we still go ahead and get hitched. And have a couple of babs. Have a couple of babs. Again, this is written from the point of view of someone so prone to nihilistic depression. Yeah. You see Red Nose Day on TV the other day. God, that was awful.

I'm not going to have any fucking kids. Jesus, man. I'm not even going to set my fucking alarm. You are. Fuck. You need to go see someone. That is faith in humanity restored. Ooh, no. I mean, they're all very thematically similar. That is faith in humanity restored. Ooh, now, well, it's...

I mean, they're all very thematically similar. That is love. No! But it isn't. I mean, technically, if you think this world sucks, I want to bring other people into it. That's not love. It doesn't explain how it's love, no.

You go, wow, the world is awful, but I'm still just going to do it anyway. That's sadism. Yeah, it's love, no. You go, wow, the world is awful, but I'm still just going to do it anyway. That's sadism. Yeah. Well, it's sort of love in the sense of like, yeah, it's sort of unclear because if the world is suffering, but you're fine, then you're not suffering. So the world isn't suffering. You're fine. Yes.

It's like when I talk to people who are from the uk always from the uk well i don't know if i want to bring a kid into this world and you're like what the first world yeah where everything is fine the fuck are you talking about it's always from people who are especially fine within a fine country they're totally fine and it's because they've seen that stuff's really bad very far away i mean fair enough i'm not going to um i am not going to bring a kid into this world and then move to islamabad yeah fair enough i'm not i'm not going to go you know what i'm going to have my kids and i'm going to move to either um you know one of those very low-lying caribbean islands or maybe the coast of bangladesh you know, one of those very low-lying Caribbean islands or maybe the coast of Bangladesh, you know, somewhere that's going to be fine over the next 50 years.

No, but, you know, I'm going to move to that fault line that's covered in nuclear power plants. No. But if you just live in Sussex. Yeah, go ahead. Fine, fine. Story number six. So this is the end of the series.

Yes. Six. On an old man's shirt. Okay. Story number Six So this is the end of the series Yes Six On an old man's shirt Okay We're back on form There's been a lot of abstract talk We started with once in the village Yeah But since then it's been gibberish

Yep Okay here we go On an old man's shirt Was written a sentence Quote Shirt On an old man's shirt was written a sentence. Quote. Shirt. So not T-shirt.

So across the buttons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The buttons have to be O's. It's really difficult. Or just on the back like he's just left school. This old man's just left GCSEs and everyone's written on it. Well done. Oh, he's on a bowling ball team. Bowling team? Bowling team he's on a bowling ball team. Yes.

Bowling team. Bowling team. Why are they bowling ball team? They're a team that makes bowling balls. Hey, can't do it alone. Look, fellas. These are heavy. On an old man's shirt was written a sentence.

I am not 80 years old. Oh, boy. I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience Creepy I will say That is what That is a thin excuse for a pedophile Not a legal defense Mr. Glitter

No matter what shirt you bring in to the courtroom this court doesn't recognize shirts this shirt is not admissible i think you're fine um this shirt has not been authenticated on an old man's shirt old man's shirt why couldn't old man said? Does he know that someone wrote it on his shirt? Did he do it? Or is this some terrible kick-me style prank? Because the thing is, presumably what they're trying to get at is the wisdom of age. So this old man has this wisdom. But he didn't make the shirt. But also, he's not wise.

He's trying to say, like, no, I'm a fucking horny dipshit 16-year-old. I've just been doing it for ages. You go, ooh. Okay. I've just been doing it for ages. You go, ooh. Okay, so that is 16 years old with 64 years experience. You got the maths right. That is something. That is youth. That would be better than what they've written.

Okay. You've outdone these people, Phil. That is attitude. No! What? What? It's an attitude to have. It's a wrong one.

I'm not old. It's legally spurious attitude. So we've gone faith, trust, hope, confidence, love. Attitude. Poochie. Suddenly there's a backwards hat and a skateboard. What the fuck is happening?

It's gibberish, but it's high-level gibberish. Written on an old man's shirt. It doesn't even say he's in it. Someone just wrote it on a floor. Found it on the floor. He died. He's dead. He died of attitude He died, he thought he could still skateboard

And all his bones exploded He suffered from chronic attitude I'm afraid your husband He has a chronic attitude The tests have come in Well it's not good news What is it, just tell us It's attitude.

No! I told you. I told you he was more radical than usual. I told you he had bodacious moves at Sunday lunch. And then there's a goodbye message. Have a happy day and live your life like these six stories. Doesn't make, don't know how to do that.

Write shit on your shirt and have an umbrella. Sorry, that just reminded me of something uh so it's not over though oh it's not over remember good this seems irrelevant so this is the end of the stories yeah the summation of the story yeah remember good friends are the rare jewels of life difficult to find and impossible to replace it's not what jewels are like that jewels are difficult to find but they if you can find them you can replace them yeah they're not impossible to replace also nothing none of none of that was about friends remember I have some good friends you know I was busy buying umbrellas and riding on my shirt. Fuck you talking about friends now. This is just everywhere.

This is all over the place. So what I was saying was I was just reminded of the old guy dying. Yeah. It reminded me of something a friend told me, Johnny White, the comedian Johnny White said. Oh, the comedian johnny white who his latest show is available on bandcamp oh yes it's brilliant it's you get on bandcamp and look up johnny white he's honestly one of the best his latest um comedy album is called endless torment and it's anything but uh it's so so funny listeners you will fucking love it it's esoteric and weird and poetic

There's no audience in these specials His other album had no audience either He's just saying the comedy It's really brilliant But this friend was saying that He was walking around Johnny He was walking around the graveyard With Johnny White

And Johnny said that when he gets buried He wants his tombstone to say I told them I was dead I told them I was dead Do you know what that's a parody of? Yeah, yeah, the Spike Milligan I told you I was ill I told them I was dead

And they didn't believe it I told them I was dead That's so funny And they didn't believe it I told them I was dead Also the idea of a corpse having to go Into a morgue or whatever And go I'm dead And they go we know your game Get out of here

I told them I was dead Fucking hell Thanks for sending us your wonderful tatty garbage everyone Yeah I think tat attack might become A quick favourite of mine It's good There's so much tat out there And it has to be taken down

And also a lot of the tat is in the same category as our other love Which is of course the horrible non-grammatical slogans Oh yeah yeah yeah It's like it's, isn't it? Like, be more adventure. Be more adventure. Look, we're just going to go find our drink. Which almost makes sense.

It does make more sense. But it's a horrible... Have you heard that on a night out? Like, drink your friendly. I don't know, something like that. Drink your happy. Drink your happy, yeah. Find your sip.

God. Anyway, this is Find your sip. God. Anyway, this is us signing off. No correspondence this time. But we're doing these in a wonderful can-based chunk, everyone. So if you listen to these episodes in a trio or whatever it's going to be, you'll have a wonderful kind of portmanteau experience. Yes, yes, yes. Anyway, thank you very much.

And keep jacking it and telling your friends to jack it also. Yes, let's all jack it together. Bye. Bye.