BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 38 - POP FIZZ CLINK

Episode Date: November 20, 2019

Episode 38 POP FIZZ CLINK What is England’s tourism jingle? Visit Wales – you won’t even notice for a bit! Phil’s tour is already selling out! Safari tips. MORE TAT ATTACK! Phil and Pierre dissect the circumstances and fate of Uncle Fatty. Who runs Monkey Fat Camp? Correspondence includes: hospital poo inspection, the verb “to mud”, Irish vampires, Full Monkey Jacket. Get in touch! @thebudpod [e-mail] Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's 38! Episode 38 of the Bud Pod Podcast. Thank you for staying with us this long. Hope you've had a nice week. Is 38 a significant number to you in any way? 38? No. No. The 30s, aside from the Jesus year of 33, are quite uneventful, really. I guess the 1930s were eventful.

No, of course We could have been doing episode 30 Like the rise to power of Hitler Yeah, yeah, yeah But it would have been a depressing way to start a show 39 will be big, I guess Yeah, yeah Or

37 for the Chinese That was when Japan invaded Manchuria Oh, that was the last invaded Manchuria. Oh, we made those last episode. Yeah, we missed it. I was taught. No wonder I had a chill on my spine the whole time. I was taught in history at school, they were like we mustn't be Eurocentric without

you know, if you were only American World War II is 1941. Ah, of course. Late 41 started 42. China 41, start of 42. China 37, us 39. Et cetera. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. And Phil, you are on tour and it's already selling like the proverbial toasted cakelets. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going on tour of the UK in February for like two months. I'm going all around. Feb.

February. And it's selling. It's selling out. Some shows have sold out. I've put on some extras here and there. I'm starting off at Bristol. The old Vic in Bristol should be very good. That'd be very fun.

I think we added a matinee show to that. That's on the 2nd Feb. So if you live in Bristol, do check out the old vic and bristol one of the second feb with your friend phil wang you're gonna bath um am i going to bath no i think bristol the idea is that bristol's uh i got you the bath area yes uh excuse me oh that was a big sneeze Look at the spike on that recorder Yeah Pierre's sneezes scare me as well So I always scream as he sneezes Yeah it passes by

I think it's something I'm doing to spite Phil Whereas I'm sneezing because Phil As I've learned from tourism adverts Like everyone from Malaysia Is covered in a fine dust of spices at all times Yeah and when I'm shocked A sort of cloud in my shape like it settles like it it bursts forth from my body a delicious cloud and it hangs in the air for a second what was that advert that advert where the one we keep

referencing obliquely where there's just swirling tablecloths and men with white gloves going beckoning you to a big pile of spices it It'll be like a Malaysia truly Asia tourism ad. Malaysia truly Asia. I always used to sing it as Malaysia. It's in Asia. Just look, they're really trying to underline. It's far away. It goes Malaysia truly Asia.

So we grew up to that. I like India's one. India is, it's got a real minor twist at the end. It goes, incredible India. It's harmonically very interesting. Well, we did, God, ages ago now, we did those parody adverts. Ooh, it's spicy. Come to see the spices.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I didn't realize India had such a... We did those parody adverts. Ooh, it's spicy. Come to see the spices. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I didn't realize India had such a... Incredible India. I guess we don't know what England has. Yeah. I remember... I've never seen one.

I've been abroad. I've never seen a tourism ad for England. I've seen Visit Wales a lot. Uh-huh. And it will always be... I've seen it on English television and it'll be like Bread of Heaven softly in the background and Rob Brydon and Michael Sheen

nodding and smiling at lava bread while riding horses and a man doing dry stone walling and they're going this is brilliant come to Wales

you won't even notice for a bit that should be the that should be the tagline for Visit Wales you won't even notice for a bit Michael Sheen come to Wales you won't even notice for a bit for a few miles you'll think you're

still in England till you start seeing a rough for a bit. For a few miles, you'll think you're still in England. Until you start seeing a ruff on the road. Yes, yes, yes. The rule is in the car, the first a ruff you see, you all cheer. That's the little game they get people to play.

Well, you won't notice for a bit. Does Desert South African Tourism add song? Oh God there was a Visit South Africa Thing on TV A while ago I can't remember the tune

I'll have to look it up It was very much like Elephants but also restaurants Like Like Elephants but also restaurants. It's wild and crazy but we have steak tartare. Ethnic dancing for you to watch that we've set up exclusively for you. It wouldn't necessarily just be happening for your benefit without, you know. But also you could buy, you could go shopping in a mall and buy a handmade ring.

It's really trying to emphasize that. You will be safe. Look, it's fine. And also we have things. Yeah. We have all the things you think we have. We've got the elephants and the giraffes. All the things you want, yeah.

Yeah, but also a lot of, of say cape town where the tourists might go is basically just sort of la or what like it's like yeah we have a a waterfront and a white sand beach and a shopping mall like lots of restaurants this week i saw a clip on online of um someone they were in like on a safari, like an African safari and they it looked like they were just in a car, like a normal car Oh and the rhino comes and fucks it up Oh no, this was a lioness

The person is, the lioness is at the door of the car, just sort of pawing at it and looking through the window and this person is just sort of filming the lioness on the door Oh no And the lioness and the door. Oh no. And the lioness then just uses her teeth to

open the door and just starts to open the door. No. Get fucked. And you see the person who's filming and like reach over and grab it. And quickly lock it. They hadn't locked the doors either. There's a second their way

your heart skips because it's just like this person go look at his life i i suspect that that's in uh i don't know that might be in a european safari park oh yeah it was just in the car i mean you can drive normal cars through some safari parks but you wouldn't because it would fuck the car. Like, it's often dirt tracks, you know. Oh, yeah. And you need to expose animals to a normal car so that they can watch people get in and out. An awful lot for them to learn that.

Yeah, of course. Apparently, last time I was on safari, the guy was saying that animals tend to perceive in silhouette. last time i was on safari the guy was saying uh the animals tend to perceive in silhouette and so the jeep full of people like open top jeep with like eight people in it sees that it's just this kind of jumbly monster yeah and that's why they say never get out because once you get out of the jeep it goes that's a fucking separate thing oh okay look at that separate thing running away and then they're really on you oh okay okay so even so even if like the jib breaks down stay stay in the goddamn vehicle yeah because they go hey that rumbly monster that comes around sometimes is uh sleeping i don't know okay because they sort of in the same way that lions don't generally fuck with like elephants unless they think there's a chance of

killing it it's just a big thing they can't kill that's nearby yeah it doesn't really they don't really interfere with each other. But then if like the elephant's trunk just jumped off and walked away. Hey! Wait a minute, that looks edible.

I could be that. I could be that in a fight. The trunk's like hopping. It's like the Pixar lamp. Must be really horrible to be in a very in like a very dangerous situation

but the noises of your running are very silly like a clown like a clown's like like honking feet oh no it's wine o'clock somewhere give me the coffee and no one gets hurt

Bless this mess I like two things, pals and Prosecco And I'm all out of pals One Prosecco, two Prosecco, three Prosecco, floor If the wife asks, I'm working Keep calm and keep drinking tea TAT ATTACK It's TAT ATTACK

I love this new segment I hope you do too It's kindattatac I love this new segment I hope you do too It's kind of my baby So we've got a lot riding on this The channel might not renew Tattatac for another episode If this doesn't get enough Overnight numbers

Now I've got a bit of Tattatac Oh please I've got a Tattatac And this is sent in on Twitter by... Oh, crap. Crappatech. Crappapack. I can do one while you look?

Yeah. Bill sent in this one. Have you seen this one, Phil? Oh, yes. It's a shelf... Well, a few shelves at a supermarket, and they're covered in drinking receptacles. They're drinking receptacles of the steel, like stainless steel reusable variety. Very in vogue, very pro-environment, endorsed by Attenborough himself.

Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, no, I think just the general idea of using reusable. Old Atty baby. Yeah. So let's go through some of these These drinking receptacles listeners They have saucy Fun, you know what, fun captions And they're all written on there

With that sort of Semi-cursive Font That all these sort of kooky Mad slogans are written with Yes, and so here's the first one. I'm sorry, dot, dot, dot. I'm sorry.

What's this on? What receptacle is this on? Oh, so it's on a reusable bottle. Yeah. I'm sorry. Did I roll my eyes out loud? Oh, God. Which would sound like...

What is that noise? Oh, I'm sorry. As they look at them again. You mustn't talk about Emma. She has audible eyes. And she's very touchy. And she's genuinely embarrassed. Oh, I'm sorry.

If I roll my eyes out loud, I'll try to be Oh, I'm sorry. Roll my eyes out loud. I'll try to be better. I'm sorry. I was making my eyes audible again, wasn't I? Hey, Emma. Yes? Oh, I'm sorry. You could hear that, couldn't you?

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Maybe that's what eye drops are. They're just like oiling your eyes. I guess it's fitting that this message is on a water bottle because if you get dehydrated and people can and people can hear your eyes scraping against the lids yeah drink some water or you just jam the water bottle in your eye and turn it upwards and liquidate it directly i'm sorry i'm sorry did i roll my eyes out loud but also okay so let's imagine what that really means if you go oh did i roll my eyes out loud? But also, okay, so let's imagine what that really means. If you go, oh, did I roll my eyes out loud?

That means that someone went, yeah, no, I think that's a really good idea. And you went, no. Like, oh, you did a big sigh. So, yeah, no, you didn't roll your eyes out loud, but you're being a fucking asshole. You're being a cunt. If you buy that water bottle and you mean it, you're a piece of shit. And I hope you die of dehydration. I hope one day you forget to refill your bottle.

Yeah, and we can hear your eyes as you search for water with them. Here's another one. I do marathons, and that's in big letters. Okay, I do marathons. But in smaller letters, it says, at Target. What does that even mean? Target is the American shop yeah I didn't matter so I just run around I mean that's still exercise if you're doing a marathon if you're doing 26 miles yeah in a target still a marathon fair play to you yeah well done be more decisive when you when you shop

yeah and very efficient way of getting exercise and you're doing you're doing but then there's a love heart. There's a tiny love heart underneath. That's on a reusable mug. Dang it. It's. Oh my god. I had to read this because it's partially turned away from the camera.

It's mom's turn to whine. But wine is spelt like the drink. Is it M-O-M? It is Ah, so in America Target, ma'am It's good to know this dirge is Also, your ma'am

Is drinking wine out of a mug Your ma'am is worrying All the other ma'ams Here's another one In curly whirly writing Could you not though? Oh, what's that on? Reasonable Drink Bottle

Though is T-H-O Yeah, could you not though? In case an illiterate mom read it and went Could you not though? Could you not though? What is with all this sass? We've spoken about the sass epidemic

It will not end. It's almost like the best way to respond to things is with a kind of passive-aggressive as if your time is being imposed upon at every turn. Yeah. And your time is most important and you've already got everything sussed. As if you're like

Isaac Newton being harassed in the street for yet more solutions to scientific problems. Could you not, though? Sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud? Excuse me? Could you not, though? I'm off to perform experiments on my eyeballs with toothpicks.

Do you know who did that? Isaac Newton. What? Did he roll his eyes out loud with toothpicks? Well, he squished them out loud. Well, it turns out Isaac Newton is a proper cunt. He was a weird guy. He got someone hung, drawn drawn and quartered for something i beg your pardon yeah he threw the apple wait a minute no stop oh it's too late um he was doing experiments on light and how um bending

materials um bent changed how light was refracted and he he thought the best way to expand on this was to squish his own eyeball and see what happened to the image he saw. So he just got little pieces of wood and he'd stick them in to the side of his eyeball and just squeeze them. And he got an eye infection. Well, yeah, he was accidentally doing biology,

wasn't he? What happens if I put fucking wood in my eye? He did a lot of alchemy i know that a lot of a lot of to make gold yeah he did a lot of stuff which is verging on magic spells like runes and symbols really well he's a scientist and he couldn't he didn't know for sure it didn't work so he was going through all of the stuff from like from nothing from zero what do they say that magic is just science we can't explain? Yes

Any sufficiently advanced technology Is indistinguishable from magic Right Which iPhones count probably Here's another one Does running late count as exercise? Ugh No

You can be slow physically and still run late. It's a phrase. I'm not bossy. I am the boss. Bop. Bop. Bop. Bloody hell. It is a wall of horror, this. A yawn is a silent scream for coffee. Oh, I've seen this one about. It's horrible.

It's actually the funniest. It's actually the funniest. It is actually the funniest. If you see someone yawn next time and you think in your head they're screaming. That is funny. Nothing is more frightening to them than being tired, even for a second. Oh, I'm tired Is that all the drinking sass?

Let's see Running late Done that This one's quite esoteric Life happens, coffee helps Does it? When life is really happening to me I find anxiety juice

doesn't really it adds an edge, it doesn't take it away life happens and so can poo if you drink coffee wanna fire one out in the morning but just don't have the time to sit and meditate till it's ready?

drink this horrifying bean juice and you'll feel nervous but empty till noon there you go this one comes in from Bex it's and it comes from she says upsettingly this is unironically hung up in my friend's student

flat and it's a sign that says remember as far as any this is on the inside of the door as you leave so it's the sign that says, remember, as far as any... This is on the inside of the door as you leave. So it's on the inside of the door as you leave the flat. Remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family. Which is a strange thing

to put up in a student flat. It's very sort of, God, guys, all of us in this student flat, we're like some sort of family. And we're also a bit nuts. But don't let the world see. They won't understand. Like the time we did that, um... We all played that board game? The time we played

Cards Against Humanity, and we followed the rules exactly. And it was just mad. It does so us to follow the rules of Cards Against Humanity and play it exactly as it was intended. Yeah, and for one of us to win the game with AIDS...

That's exactly the sort of unacceptable fun that's marketed and sold in bulk as part of the Cards Against Humanity family. I remember when James put down, the thing I want most in the world is grandma's dick. Oh, that's so James! No, that is James. No, that is so James.

When he said, the best part about having sex with an orangutan is, and then he put in the gallons and gallons of blood. And that was a horrible thing, wasn't it? But it was fine because we were friends. It's fine because it's on cards. We're all friends and it's on cards. No one can be accused of thinking of it themselves. Also, that sign could be very sinister. No one can be accused of thinking of it Themselves Also

That sign could be very sinister Remember as far as anyone knows We're a nice normal family Remember And also because it's especially sinister Because the word remember has it's own sign at the top Separate from the others And it's all caps

Remember As far as anyone knows We're a nice normal family Alright Have a nice normal family Alright Have a nice day everyone Hanging on the inside of like the Fritzl family home Just to remind Joseph Fritzl not to go blabbing

To anyone by mistake I remember Hey Joseph how's it going? Yep nice normal family As far as you know I'm a nice normal family You are yourself a nice normal family, thank you. As far as you know, I'm a nice normal family. What, you are yourself a nice normal family? Bye! Bye! Can't hear you, bye! Sorry to reference something as hacky and out of date

as Fritzl, everyone, but it was the first fucked up family that came to mind. And, you know, he did a lot of woodwork. Yeah. And all those signs are wooden. I'm sorry, I'm not ready to forgive him yet. So. We need to talk about Joseph Fritzl.

That's going to be the big article. Joseph Fritzl is cancelled, Phil. He's been cancelled. God, there's no one safe. Here's a doormat we got sent, Phil. Knock, knock. It's Prosecco o'clock oh god that's like a sort of

hen do kgb knock knock it's prosecco o'clock please they don't live here anymore please leave my also what's really sinister about that particular photo is that next to the mat to not knock it's prosecco o'clock is a bottle of prosecco and a glass of prosecco but it's right up against a wall that is just up against a wall like knock knock as you're hitting your head against the wall knock knock Prosecco o'clock you've had to put your bottle

and glass down to smash your head against this big wall knock knock I do remember our flat in Edinburgh it made me really laugh was our doormat in Edinburgh, it made me really laugh, was our doormat in Edinburgh, listeners, it said, welcome home. But it said, welcome home as you were leaving the flat. So it was as if like the world is your home,

but the place you sleep and cook in the living room and so on, all of that is this other world. It was actually a very optimistic mindset. Yeah, welcome home as you leave your flat. That's quite nice, isn't it? And every day i'd look at it and go in my own head i'd do a little laugh um whereas also we also had lots of people spotting koji productions and koji as an ingredient and things as well thank you for that listeners yes thank you um are we out of tat attack no no oh god there's still tat

there's always tat there will always be tat is like dark matter it's just there present scientists aren't sure quite how much there is in the universe of tat yes but it's there's more tat than there is matter um it's a christmas gift that jack uh sent, and it says, it's a big glass, and it says, on the glass it says, I'm gin the mood. And it also comes with, in the box, it comes with a bottle of tonic water. It comes with tonic, as if that's the hardest thing to obtain, about drinking gin. So it's obviously not for a gin and tonic enthusiast, who would presumably have their own tonic water. In case you don't, Also, and a glass already. I've been drinking raw gin out of my cupped hands

this whole time. Like a caveman tramp. I mean, this is a starter pack for a problem. It's like everything... I was just trying to think, who would drink raw gin from cupped hands? And my first thought was Grandma Caveman. That's a new character.

Grandma Caveman. I have knitted you a new look that's like um god rest his soul the guy who did the voice for lionel hutz he was on snl and he used to have a sketch uh character which you should look up listeners it was very funny called uh caveman lawyer and he it was him all made up to look like a Neanderthal, like face putty and hair. But he was an attorney, like doing the summing up to the jury. Like, I might just be a simple caveman. Oh, he's in modern times?

Yeah, he's been unfrozen. And he's an attorney who's also a caveman. And the way he wins all his cases is by doing a big speech about how he's a caveman. That's all sort of inspiring. He's like, I might just be a simple caveman. I don't understand your modern ways. Fire frightens me.

I think cars are the devil. But even I can see that this man deserves $6 million in compensation. And everyone's always really like, yeah, they're clapping. And the judge is crying. It's great. Grandma caveman i'm gin the mood and uh the the box it comes and says pop fizz clink pop fizz clink pop fizz clink

i mean there's something designed by idiots for idiots pop Pop Fizz Clink. Pop Fizz Clink. Just in case you don't know what this drink is supposed to sound like. Are you gin the mood? What on earth do you mean? Pop Fizz... Oh, Pop Fizz Clink. Oh, you've bought me a Pop Fizz Clink. Thank you.

I love Pop Fizz Clink. Pop Fizz Clink is what Caveman Grandma calls the gin and tonic. Pop Fizz Clink is what Caveman Grandma calls the gin and tonic. Pop Fizz Clink. Beckoning. Me want Pop Fizz Clink. Bring me Pop Fizz Clink. Where Pop Fizz Clink? Me like Pop Fizz Clink.

Me Grandma Caveman. I like the idea that... Pop Fizz Clink o'clock. Grandma Caveman's grandkids are normal, like modern. Grandma Caveman's grandkids are normal, like modern... Grandma Caveman, you're so embarrassing. But she saves the day in the end, like... Popfish clink. Popfish clink.

Like, oh, you. What are you like, you mad old bitch? Popfish clink. Popfish clink. I think that was the last bit of tat I could find Well please keep sending in your tat We absolutely love it We want to see your tats

Send in your tats Yep Show us your tats Get your tats out for the last Oh god he's coming. Oh, get up, get up, get up, get up. Oh, come on, open, open, open. Oh, no, he's still going.

No, please, no, please. I can't keep going much longer. Oh, God. Ow, ow. No, no, no! Phil, I just have a piece of important news for you I think you should know about. Uncle Fatty's gone missing.

Now, I'm sure listeners know who Uncle Fatty is. He didn't come up on the bbc news app i got an alert i got actually got rung by nagamon chetty she said uncle fatty's gone missing and i said i'll be there in five minutes um so listeners if you didn't see this this is a new story that i uh i've seen and i'm just a bit obsessed with and the headline is Uncle Fatty the Obese Monkey. Fingers crossed it's not a person so far in the story. The level of rudeness here is unbelievable.

The Obese Monkey. Uncle Fatty. Uncle Fatty the Obese Monkey goes missing. It's Uncle Fatty. The Obese Monkey. He's fat. He's big. He's round.

He's rude. He throws his poo at you. It's Uncle Fatty. The obese monkey. He throws his poo at you. That's like the old 1950s animated intro. Yeah, yeah. With the little diamond shapes appearing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bling, bling, bling. Bling, bling. Yeah. Uncle Fatty too fat to leap from tree to tree. Some whole thing about, yeah. Anyway, the point is, look, he's gone missing. Yeah.

Uncle Fatty, the obese monkey, goes missing after falling off the wagon. Like he started drinking again? I think so. It's not, I'm not. Off a literal wagon on the way to the zoo. I think it's because he started eating again. An obese monkey who became a cult figure due to his. Where is this?

This is in Bangkok in Thailand. An obese monkey who became a cult figure due to his massive size. It wasn't his personality, you understand. Or his whimsical thoughts. You're just looking for his body. It's sad. It is sad. An obese monkey who became...

I love the idea of an obese monkey. How did they let this happen? Who became a cult figure due to his massive size, has been missing for five months. Wow. It's a long time for a fat monkey to be missing. Yeah, how do you lose sight of a monkey that big? That's right. The primate, nicknamed Uncle Fatty,

is feared dead after not being seen since February the 26th when environmentalists lost track of him in Bangkok, Thailand. They lost track of Uncle Fatty. They'll have to just look for very deep set paw prints. Or some really snapped trees. Uncle Fatty's gone missing.

Also, like, losing track of him, I'm imagining him pulling a sort of Jason Bourne style. They keep trying to get between him and donuts or whatever. It turns out he ballooned twice the size of a long-tailed macaque yeah at 33 pounds which uh is sort of 15 16 kilos yeah that's a lot for a monkey 15 kilogram monkey that's a lot of uncle fatty if you were to pick that that guy up you'd be doing

work you'd be working out yeah yeah listeners i encourage you to look up a picture of Uncle Fatty because, I mean, he... Wow, yeah. He looks like an English tourist. He looks like... He looks like that world's... Britain's fattest man who was like the kind of mascot for that football team.

No. He was like this giant blob of a guy and they did a big documentary about him trying to lose weight and stuff maybe he's dead the subway guy no no he was an english football team guy and he was like a legend at the stadium because he would be there at every game eating like 100 pies and having 10 pints of guinness a game or something he's got the similar it's uncle fatty is not carrying it well i'll say no that doesn't look natural like his belly his flesh is flowing out over the over his legs you can't see his legs

it's unclear to me how exactly he looks like a dance champion he does look like a dance champion my word uh he got to that big after tourists visiting kun k Monument kept feeding him on high calorie food and drink. Leave nothing about footprints. Leave nothing about photos, people. Concerned animal workers sent Uncle Fatty, 20, to fat camp. Did he actually?

In 2017. I don't know who's running a monkey fat camp, but I want to set a sitcom in their workplace. Listen, we... Another slow day. What's that? No. You found one?

How? I mean, please, don't look a fat monkey, gift fat monkey in the mouth. Powerbeast? Uncle who? Yes, I've heard of him. I've had my eye on him for years. Do you think that I would love it

if the people who run the monkey fat camp are really po-faced about it? I run a tight ship here at monkey fat camp. No slacking at monkey fat camp. There are no passengers at monkey fat camp. They say at monkey fat camp okay there are no passengers at monkey fat camp they say all that stuff you get in like u.s army recruitment you either lead follow or get out of the way at monkey fat camp you gotta want this too monkey you gotta you gotta want this it's like full metal jacket you had best unfuck yourself They see guys walking down this line of fat monkeys

all standing to attention. So they sent him there, tried to get him to shed the pounds, but he fell off the wagon when he returned home because people were just giving him food again. A lot of the food in the picture appears to be pineapples and corn on the cob. Oh, that's alright. And a full carton of

juice. Juice is a lot of sugar. Yeah, especially if you're only 10 kilos to begin with. That's true. A liter of juice is basically a kilo. A liter of water is a... Yeah, but you'll piss that. If you're a monkey, you'll piss a lot of that out. But there's a lot of sugar in juice.

Monkeys might drink their piss. That's true. Maybe other monkeys drink Uncle Fatty's piss. Ah, he's sort of like a queen bee. He's like, they call him the sugar tap.

He's a sugar daddy. He's Uncle Sugar. The story, they call him Uncle Sugar. They only call him Uncle Fatty when he's not around. Sad.

Now this is where the story gets a bit confusing for me, Phil. We love monkey club. What? President. What? So there's a, Sad. Now this is where the story gets a bit confusing for me, Phil. We Love Monkey Club President It says We Love Monkey Club President Well it's good to know that We Love Monkey Club is democratic

I can't tell you how many We Love Monkey Clubs are run like a fucking autocracy Bloody Banana Republic This monkey fat camps run like some kind of banana republic okay now i'm gonna listeners don't cancel me over this but i'm doing my best with this name okay i'm gonna say it slowly kavina fat so in his name. Fat's in it with a PH. So it's cool like in the 90s. Kavinafat.

Monkoltachachat. That's the name of the monkey? No, that's the president of We Love Monkey Club. Oh, right. That's Uncle Fatty's real name. No wonder they call him Uncle Fatty. Please address him by his real name. After that mouthful.

Let's just call him Uncle Fatty. Look at that name his real name. After that mouthful. Let's just call him Uncle Fatty. Look at that name. Look at that. See if you can say that quickly. Wow. Wow. Kvinafat Monkoltichachat. Monkoltichachat.

Yeah. Kvinafat Monkoltichachat. He's actually, he's reloading a shotgun at the end of his sermon. Monkoltichachat. Monkoltichachat. Wow. He's the president of We reloading a shotgun at the end of his sermon. Monkoltchachat. Monkoltchachat. Wow. He's the president of We Love Monkey Club, which I'm sure we've all heard of. So We Love Monkey Club president Kavinifat Monkoltchachat said monkey specialists.

Yeah, we need them. Unnamed. Okay. Uncredited, as ever. Had told him they thought Uncle Fatty was dead. So evidently, the We Love Monkey Club is important enough for the president, Mr.

Kavinafat, to be personally informed through his red telephone in the president's, in the Oval Office. When the phone rings, he goes, We love Monkey Club. President Kavinafat talking. Mr. President,

we have some bad news about Uncle Fatty. I always knew this day would come. Please, has he? You think so? I see. So the campid did nothing. My god. He might have died of old age. He says he might have died of old age because Uncle Fatty

has already lived beyond the average age. Oh, so it's good for you to be an obese monkey. Clearly. Clearly. He also looked exhausted and didn't want to eat much. I will say... This is the last time they saw... Five months ago, when they last saw Uncle Matty.

He looked exhausted. People like shoving pineapple in his face. Huh? Huh? Oh no, no, no. Please, no more. It's like Mr. Creosote. That Monty Python sketch.

Way for Thin Mint and all that. I'm tired of this. Tired of this life. That's why he fled his captors. Mr. Moncoltechachat will continue to look out for the monkey, who had lived longer than the average for his species, to find out what happened to him. Fatter than the average monkey!

He added, Our staff always saw him sitting in front of the monument every time they came to feed the pack. But one day, he was just gone. We thought he was just sick and might have gone into a deep forest to heal himself. I think they're overestimating Uncle Fatty's medical knowledge. But fair enough.

Oof, guys, I don't feel good. I'm gonna just go into the deep forest. And heal myself. Yeah. That's what I say to people when I leave the table at dinner. Where are you going? Um, I'm just gonna heal myself. In the deep forest. Okay, well, don't be long. I'll try. It's not really up

to me. Okay, we've still got dessert. Don't be long. Now, is your soul moved by the story of Uncle Fatty? Not really. Me neither. Are we robots? I know there are some people out there, Phil, maybe even listeners, who love animals so much

that they would be absolutely heartbroken to hear about Uncle Fatty's travails. Whereas I was laughing from the moment I read the phrase morbidly obese monkey. Look, Uncle Fatty knew what he was doing. The food was available to the other monkeys, but they didn't overeat, did they? They knew when to stop.

Do you think it was a snowball effect? That once one monkey was a bit fatter than the others, the tourists thought, aha. Ah, this guy likes to eat. That's the guy to feed. And as we've discussed before, in the Far East, I remember you mentioned to me, they still have a very different opinion on eating lots.

Yeah, and being a bit fat. Because I remember you telling me, was it, when you would eat a lot, people would be like Good. People would be like, yeah, this guy. They'd pat my father on the back proudly. Really? Yeah. Well done, Benny. He eats a lot. And my father would say, thank you.

Thank you, yes. I've made sure of it. I sent him to this camp to learn the ways of wise Uncle Fatty We're very proud Well, you know what, shout out And good luck to Uncle Fatty and everyone else In the We Love Monkey Club Good luck Uncle Fatty, hope you're okay

So begins the 153rd meeting of i love monkey club uh first motion uh it's a club vote do we still love monkeys uh so the motion is we we love monkeys. All in favor, raise your hands. Yep, there's everyone. All against, don't raise your hands. Yep, no one. Okay, we still all love monkeys. That is the only motion. Meeting adjourned.

Go enjoy your monkeys, guys. Ring rings. Keep getting them monkeys, guys. It's correspondence and we have one hot off the press. Hot out the loo. Sarah. From Sarah. Sarah, Sarah. Couldn't be better.

What? Don't mean to scare you? Don't mean to scare her. Don't mean to scare her. Yeah, scare her. Sarah, don't want to scare her. Dear Phil and Pierre. Traditional.

Yes, back to basics. Little classic stuff. I've been listening to your episodes almost since you started putting them out. Almost a founding father. Almost a founding father. Almost a founding father. And after all these hours of listening to you... She's one of the follow-throughs. She's one of the...

She's a turtle head. And after all these hours of listening to you, I've determined that you're the best people to ask for advice about this particular incident. Sure. Worrying, if we're the best people, but nevertheless. Yeah, you've obviously exhausted all other alleys. I was in hospital recently

because I had a thrombosis in a major artery in my head. Yeesh. Very sorry to hear that. What is a thrombosis? Like a clog? Yeah, like deep vein thrombosis. That's what you get on a flight, isn't it? On a plane, yeah. This one, horrible. Although this has nothing to do with digestion, we hope you're okay, by the way, yeah. Horrible. Although this has nothing to do

with digestion, we hope you're okay, by the way, Sarah, pooing was still a major concern for the doctors and nurses. Yeah, this is the bread and butter. It is. The food in hospitals is terrible. Yes. Tee hee, tee hee,

tee hee. Anyway. Of course, doctors and nurses, I was asked at least three times a day if I had produced any stool. And I felt like I was disappointing them more and more each day by not doing my duty. Your duty. Or my doody. Yes. My doody.

Like Americans call of doody. A joke that only works over there. What a ridiculous people. Silly. Of course, plenty of means for help were available. I started out by eating prunes. Yes. Tradition.

So traditional, it's in cartoons, the prunes. A prune? Yeah. Oh, yes, I was old people eating prunes. Oh, he's eating my prune juice, and she's drinking prune juice in this as well. I'm drinking prune juice. No luck. Mmm.

Mmm. Next, they gave me a powder that dissolved in water. Maybe the fiber powder. Ah, yes, I've been drinking fiber powder for my poos. Again, no poops? Again, no poops. Gosh, what's it gonna take? How's your fiber powder?

Well, the fiber powder doesn't actually make you poo. Mine doesn't make me poo. It just makes the poos healthier. Helps them get along. Yeah, it just gives them a little body. And nose. Fine wine. They gave me a powder dissolved in water. Again, no poops.

Then they gave me laxatives. Then a suppository. Wow, up the bum. Everything just peacefully joined the clog. Ha ha ha! Like a protest where the police join in. Oh no!

What the fuck do we do now? We agree with these guys! That's how the Berlin Wall fell. Or the border guard just started helping people over the wall. Peacefully joined the clog and refused to budge. There was just one nuclear option available Coincidentally, I had been listening to Bud Poo that morning Wow, how about that

So this is the nuclear option that was available, Phil To squeeze this rather large pouch Full of some kind of poop-blasting gel Directly into my anus Wow Science Modern medicine, what can't they do? So there's a What can't they do? poop-blasting gel directly into my anus. Wow. Science. Modern medicine. What can't they do?

So there's a pouch, a large pouch of gel. Yeah. Just like bake-off. Yeah. Iced right into your b-hole. You should have been basted with poo gel. Basted or what's it called? Internally basted.

Yeah. Inseminated stuffed almost like a jam in a donut just injected what do you think is in the gel do you think it stimulates the muscles because she's already tried lexatives

is it like a relaxant? A relaxant or maybe an agitator. So all your bowel muscles start going, oh, oh, no. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Like wiggling it out? Yeah. My word. So directly into my anus.

Following this, I was supposed to clench tight for 10 minutes. Hold. Hold, men. Hold, men. Hold. There will be poop this day But not yet A really skinny guy at the front is like

Shaking And they do a bit of wee And the other soldiers try to ignore it Hold Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes Don't fire till you see the wipes Of their eyes Don't fire till you see the browns

Of their eyes. Don't fire until you see the browns of their eyes. The browns of their eyes. Advice for a horrible advice for timing purposes at a gay porn shoot. Don't shoot until you see the brown of his eye. Anyway. I don't need to help this situation be more about bums. the brown of his eye. Anyway,

I don't need to help this situation be more about bums. It's all about bums. So, following this, I was supposed to clench tight for ten minutes while the gel takes care

of the holdup. Okay. Then go to the toilet and release the barrage. Excellent military terminology there. I was also told not to flush because the nurse would need to inspect it first like a crufts yeah little notepad yeah good yes nice graceful you know really good teeth oh god oh fucking hell. Lovely fur.

Someone said, I'm really ill. How ill are you? My shits have teeth. You get to hospital right fucking now. Oh, that's awful. That's a horrible idea, isn't it? I guess owls, owl shits have teeth? Or do they just hack it all up in that owl pellet?

They cough that up. What do you mean? When an owl eats a rodent, it just swallows that shit. Surely lots of animals are swallowed whole. Oh, no, I guess. But the owl will do... Is an owl pellet coughed up by the owl or pooped out by the owl? Anyway, it's basically like all the stuff from a rodent that you wouldn't eat. Wow.

It's just ejected in a little pod. Anyway, I guess this is a listener's story about how they kind of became an owl. Let's find out. So, not to flush, because the nurse would need to inspect it first. I obediently followed these instructions, clenching tight for 10 minutes

while my parents looked unconcerned. And proud, I hope. Her parents, and proud. That's my girl. Hold that anal gel. Hold. God, you got your parents there G-ing you on?

Yeah. Do you think you'd be more or less determined if your parents were being really mean? Like, she'll never do it. She never holds on to anything. Like a really horrible mum there or something. I obediently followed these instructions, clenching tight for 10 minutes

while my parents looked unconcerned. Then I went to the bathroom as swiftly as I could manage with two IVs attached to my body. Wow, they don't make it easy for you. This is like some kind of horrible slalom course, some sort of obstacle course. Yeah, tough mudder in the hospital. It's tough mudder.

If to mud was a new verb for shitting. I gotta go mud. That sounds like something a skater would say. Oh, bro, I'd love to do the next pipe, but I gotta go mud. I gotta mud, bro. I gotta go mud. I mud myself.

That's horrible. I mud myself. Awful. We must text Glenn Moore about this immediately. He loves a poop verb. Does he? Okay, mud. Mud's a good must text Glenn Moore about this immediately. He loves a poop verb. Does he? Okay, mud. Mud's a good one.

Mud's a good one. So, two IVs attached to my body. Don't imagine that what came out was a powerful jet propelled from my rear end of the enviable type described in many episodes of this podcast. I still had to work for it, she says. Oh, wow. So, you know, far from the kind of glorious explosion that we've heard described far from the bra pinging

veracity of Fern Brady the rocket launch arc of shit up the back of a wall the sheer abdominal power of Fern Brady the Hercules of shitting as she is known

I still had to work for it, says Sarah Eventually though, reluctantly, my bowels were emptied I felt like a new lighter woman I emerged from the bathroom feeling victorious But was met with a very concerned nurse Who asked me You haven't flushed, have you? No

I had obviously left my spoils of war Okay For inspection as instructed. Okay. Now this is my dilemma. The nurse came out of the bathroom with a neutral expression on his face a few seconds later

and then said nothing. Hmm. I said, so, how was it? How was it for you? He seemed slightly taken aback, like he didn't expect me to ask for a review of my poop. Huh. Surely. The first person's want to know.

He mumbled something about the colour being fine and the texture will improve in the coming days. I feel like I didn't handle this situation correctly, and maybe I've been thinking about it too much, but what else could I have asked? Wouldn't you have expected a full review after being told specifically that your poop needs to be inspected? I mean, they've really built this poo up, as did Sarah. But they really built up the importance

of this poo. I don't think it's fair for this nurse to be sort of incredulous about her interest. No, what's happened here is poor patient-doctor communication. I think it would be fair enough if they'd said, don't flush it because we just need to look and make sure it's not full of blood.

Okay. Because then she could have looked at it and gone, yeah, it fulfilled the basic requirement they were looking for. No need for further comment. Whereas by saying nothing, they've implied a world of poopy mystery. That they could divine her fate

in the very fabric of the poo. And that they could come out only after three hours and go, well, you'll get married before you're 40. Like a palm reader. Would you expect a review of your poo? I would.

I would. I would. I mean, it's only going to make you anxious not knowing. I think it's the nurse going, all I do is check to make sure it's not, you know. I'm the blood checking nurse. You're going to have to want to ask the poo evaluation consultant. What do you think is, because necromancy. Yeah.

Oh, is that going to turn? Because, you know, there's like, I think it's something like ovomancy or ovomancy. That's telling the future through eggs. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's all these things like so-and-so omancy. So-and-so mancy is like. I knew an omancy from... From County...

Necromancy. Ah, Old Man Omancy. Or Necromancy. Necromancy. I need to learn some county names. Irish county names. Kildare. County Kildare.

County Cork. County Cork. County Desmond. County Desmond. Ooh. County Cork. County Cork. County Desmond. County Desmond. Ooh. County Meath. County yourself lucky. Count Dracula.

Of the old Draculas. Leinster. Munster. The old Draculas. The old Draculas. How much more or less scary would vampires be if they were just irish because there's lots of old ruined castles in ireland that they could live in ah you'll you'll give us your blood i'll go on will you be having some blood ah go on have some you'll be having some

blood won't you will you be wanting to be a vampire then? Instead of a, ah, the creatures of the night, what a beautiful music they make! You'll be like, ah, sure, those night creatures know how to hold a tune. It just wouldn't have any gravitas. It would seem too down-to-earth and fun. It's all padiomancy.

Padiomancy. A lot of crosses to worry about. Yeah, of course. No wonder there are no Irish vampires. They're like, those people fucking... A lot of burnt necks. Every grandma. Every fucking third person in the streets wearing one of those things.

So, she just wanted our thoughts and then she says she has an uncool cool and a cool uncool. Okay. Uncool cool thing. Model photo shoots. Okay. Yeah. So So these are real models? Professional models? Yeah. Modeling is a very cool job, obviously. But have you ever watched a video of the models posing while being photographed?

Yeah, it is embarrassing. It looks like they're trying to do physical comedy unsuccessfully. Models just go from one awkward pose to another looking completely ridiculous while indifferent people look on Making sure that no shadow, hair or speck Looks out of place It's an enormous amount of effort to put into a photo And the fact that they're usually selling some overpriced rubbish Doesn't help with the coolness side of things Yeah, I saw like a video You know how some

Model shots will have a Lovely lady sort of Mid-skip smiling at the camera holding a handbag yeah um yeah it's all video of how you get that shot and it's just this poor model going like onto one leg and then come back it's not dignified it's like uh um i can only remember it by the name i call it on this podcast keep drumming or i'll punch you in the face oh yeah uh whiplash whiplash it's like whiplash jump again yeah like the guy teaching the model how to be a model like her foot's just

bleeding do it again look look whimsy look whimsical laugh at the salad um and cool uncool thing taking a packed lunch to work when i was at school i always thought that the children whose parents gave them money to buy lunch instead of making them sandwiches were cooler than me that might have been true then but now as a grown-up it's a sign of how together you have it when you have the time and the foresight to bring lunch with you to work it's true it's true it If you could say, like, at some point, either last night or, God forbid, this morning, I sat and crafted, like, a club sandwich.

That's impressive. Everyone else is sitting there with their prête à manger. I don't know, a sandwich always looks sad to me. That you've made a sandwich and brought in a sandwich always looks sad. If it's like a pesto, if you made a big batch of pasta on Sunday. Or it's something fancy. It's like it's got something where you know the

level of spice preparation is intense. If someone brings in homemade minestrone, you'd be like, my god. My days. Homemade pizza Because you are a takeaway Bring in the leftover takeaway

Oh no I made it You are polaxed You are struck across the face by the sheer superiority of that You've made the pizza Flipping the dough and everything Yeah Just in the morning Oh god I'm late

Quick, quick, quick, quick. Oh, and a quick note from Jane. Hey, Buddingtons. Yes, thank you, Phil. I play Detective Barbie and no one else remembers it, so I'm starting to think it was an elaborate dream. Love the podcast. Keep jacking it. When you want. I'm not going to force you to do anything. Jane Doe, perhaps.

Jane Doe. And I don't know if I mentioned it on the podcast, but my youngest sister, Michelle, who is a good listener, also a huge fan of Detective Barbie. Yeah. And she also found it quite noir-y and odd. Yeah, it's pretty gnarly. I might try and see if we can dig it up.

I wonder if it exists anywhere. It's got to be. It would be very funny for you to download a Windows 98 emulator purely to play. Not Mario or any of the other classic games. Just Detective Barbie. That's all Phil wants. Yeah, man. Maybe I can find it.

Yeah. Well, that's all for episode 38, listeners. Thank you for writing in. And do keep telling your friends to listen. Yes, and do send them more tat I love the tat we can't get enough of your tats show us your tats, get your tats out

and we'll get our tats out thank you so much thank you, bye if you ladies leave monkey fat camp if you survive monkey fat camp training you will be a weapon of tourism you will be a weapon of tourism. You will be a minister of tourism praying for photographs. But until that day, you are pukes.

You are the lowest form of life on earth that's nevertheless a complex mammal. You are not even human fucking beings because you're monkeys who are fat. You are nothing but unorganized, graptastic pieces of amphibian shit. Not amphibian, mammalian, I'm sorry. Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard, but I am fair. There is no interspecies bigotry here.

I do not look down on orangutans, great apes, silverback gorillas, macaques, or the one with the big nose whose name I can't remember. Here, you are all equally fat. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not lose the weight to serve in my beloved monkey fat camp. Do you maggots understand that?