BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 39 - PaedPod!

Episode Date: November 27, 2019

Lucky numbers, everyone will have their own church bell for 15 minutes, Wang's been in China! One of us never broke into a school – it's worth licking an alcy. Ghost ship lollipop, SJW Barbie, Woody was a confederate, noncebag featuring Prince Andrew, Epstein Brain, Paedo Dinner Party Conundrum! LOADS OF TAT but no sketches this week, sorry! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's episode 39. What's 39? Is there, Phil, a 39 crisis like there might be a 29 crisis? Do you think people worry that as much? I would have thought so. 40 is pretty, but probably not as great. About turning 40? 39 is three times 13, so three times is unlucky. Ooh. Yeah, it's a thrice unlucky age.

Luck maths. Ooh. Yeah, it's a thrice unlucky age. Luck maths. Yes. Well, that's very... Speaking of people who think numbers are to do with luck, you've been to China. I have been to China, yeah. Where in one building... Wait.

I swear to God, in one building, there wasn't a 13th or a 14th floor. Really? Just to cover all bases. Is that just a communist thing where they go, we ran out of money, shut up. Okay, but am I correct in saying eight is the big daddy number? Eight is really good.

Why is eight good? Is there a reason? It's because of what these words sound like. So eight sounds like luck, I think, or fortune. Three sounds like life. But four sounds like death. Oh, okay. So tonally, it's really close.

Well, they're just the same syllables. Wow. Okay. All right. What would that mean? That funny is really good because it sounds like money? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good when food...

Or mummy, mummy, money, honey. Honey, anything runny? Yeah. Oh, my nose is really runny. Oh, you lucky thing. Let me lick it. I like money. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be our version of that. What else would we consider lucky? That would be our version of that. What else would we consider lucky? If you had no job, which sounds like blowjob. So if you're unemployed, it's actually really nice. If you're unemployed, it's really sexy. Yeah. There you go.

Oh, if you can hear that, listener, someone has installed robot shields. Oh, this is a futuristic neighbor of yours. I think it's underneath us. Oh. And I don't know if I'm allowed to complain. Should I? Well, how often does this noise happen? Twice a day.

This is the end of their day. It's at the beginning of the end. Yeah. So it's like your dystopian rooster. It's a robo rooster. Oh, it's time to wake up. The robot's awake. Do you want to know them?

I don't think I've said this on here before. And I think I might put it in my Edinburgh show or something because it's quite poetic. It was last summer and I was sleeping with my window open and I heard everyone's different phone alarms go off in the courtyard of the building. Oh. Because everyone had their windows open. And everyone set their phones to roughly the same time. Because they're all going to work. Yeah.

And it was like a horrible dawn chorus of loads of different default ringtones. The dawn chorus of the employed. Yes. And I think I... No thanks. Exactly. And I realized why I didn't like it. Because in my head I went, but maybe, oh, this is the modern rooster.

Like you say, this is the digital church bell. Summoning the villagers to their toil. And you know why it's not? There was one church bell for everyone. Yes. It was unifying. This was the sound of loads of individuals getting up. And that is not the same that's what zombies do

loads of individual zombies go punch out of their coffins andy warhol said in the future everyone will have their own church bell and but only for 15 minutes only 15 minutes but the same 15 minutes every morning i like that that was too that was when he was getting a bit weirder yeah you all have your own church bell for 15 minutes all right andy the 15 minutes in the future thing was good with you for the campbell soup thing but this is just silly fame made sense andy but church bell i mean it's been weeks of this for god's sake um he used to dye his hair gray or wear a gray hair wig so people didn't know how old he was oh i see so even though he was in his 20s he had this white hair was he in his 20s he was in his 20s he was way younger than everyone thought and i remember that i remember reading

somewhere that like oh part of his mystique was people like how fucking old is this ageless art ghoul This culture goblin Which is a pretty That's a pretty smart idea Also like a soup can is a very old person thing to paint Soup Do you want soup Is this Trendy or old

Or sad My next painting is about prunes I love this Werther's original pop art Yes or sad? My next painting's about prunes. I love this Werther's original pop art. Yes. I'm one of you. Let's stay up late. And China was good? China was good, listener. I've just been back from China.

The last two weeks you heard pre-recorded episodes because media is a lie. Yeah. Yeah. And we had heard uh pre-recorded episodes because media is a lie yeah yeah and we had to do pre-recorded episodes so we would have had to do an episode over skype where it was mostly phil telling me about how great it is uh how great it is to be run by china that's what would have happened you would have skyped in from beijing i am being treated well here Everything here runs very well Very efficient There's a lot of neon Do not send help

I am not hungry Was there a lot of neon? It all looks very Blade Runner in brochures Shenzhen, which was the first city we went to Is very Blade Runner It's basically emerged in the last 30 years as a major city.

They were like, there were 30,000 people in it about 40 years ago. I beg your pardon? There were 30,000 people. 30,000? Yeah. And now there's

3 million. All those 30,000 should have like a cool tattoo or something, you know? I think it's 3 million. It might be more than that. Oh no, now it's like 13 million. All those 30,000 should have like a cool tattoo or something. I think it's 3 million. Probably might be more than that. Oh no, now it's like 13 million or something. Fuck, man. And it's all happened in like 30, 40 years.

Those original 30,000 should have like some kind of special hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're from Shenzhen? Yeah. I don't recognize you. Oh yeah, and they get seated instantly at restaurants and stuff. Yes, exactly. You get to skip the queue. The originals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. get seated instantly at restaurants and stuff. Yes, exactly. You get to skip the queue.

The originals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The originals are here. It's like if you met the original, like, 100 Londoners. Wow. You were there at the start. I remember when it was all fishing. But that's so quick.

They wouldn't even be old. I remember when it was all fishing. Your normal voice. Yeah, I was at secondary school. Yeah, I was fishing. But now, of course, there's Hovercraft and Ne neon and renegade androids i ate some bugs okay here we go now i want to know every bug you ate oh i don't know if i can actually say this scorpions on a stick i've seen that on the on the on the travel shows actually maybe i can't say actually what i did

well because it's to go on the show When's it going out? Spring Okay well watch out listeners in spring Because Phil's eating some bugs Question mark Maybe It was a fun time

The main thing that struck me was just how chill everyone is. It's a very chilled country for like China. I was expecting everyone, I was expecting to land and just be greeted by sort of a wall of screams as people climb over each other. But there's actually lots of space. And people are really calm. Do you think it's because they managed to like plan it out because it's a modern city? Or were they calm everywhere? Pretty calm everywhere.

I went to Shanghai, I was like, oh, this is going to be brutal. People were really chill. Huh. Yeah. Did you see any split pants like we've had on this podcast? Kids with their pants all open? Oh, yes. This is a pod bud who wrote in and said the kids at the schools there have...

Basically have crotchless chaps. Yeah, until they're toilet trained. They can just go, bow, and whip out their genitals and anus. And just drop, drop, dump. I did not see any of this. But that was because probably, and I'll always be proud of this, I didn't go into any schools. That's fair. I didn't break into any schools. That's fair.

I didn't break into any schools. You didn't break into any Chinese schools. Which is something I've always held to. You have. As long as I've known you, and I think the first time we met, you said, I came off stage after my first ever gig. You said, hey, that was great, man. You should come do my gig.

Oh, thank you, man. And then you said, by the way, I've never broken into a school. Yeah. And you patted me on the face. Yeah. And you walked away. And at the time I could tell you thought that was strange. Yeah.

But now, as you've gotten to know me and as you've gotten to know the reality of the world, you've realized how important that was for me to say. It was really important. And also, I don't think I know anyone who I know for sure has broken into fewer schools than you. Yes, it's true. It's really important, and also I don't think I know anyone who I know for sure has broken into fewer schools than you. Yes, it's true. It's really true.

Everyone else has either broken into at least one or status unknown. Yeah. Which, frankly, is more suspicious. It's TBC. It's more suspicious. Yeah. Yeah. TBC MS.

Yes. Now, listeners, I have declared tonight my right to bare bottles. Ooh, bare bottles. New to the day they were born. I've brought in a bath ale. If you're from the West Country, you'll know the bath ales well. The gem from bath ales. The first ale I ever drank. Ooh. Yeah, because I came of age in Bath. That's when I first started my legal drinking. Nice. And the Bathale was on the more sophisticated end of that.

Illegality. And I love it. Does this, to you, taste of sneaky house parties and early illness? Ah, that would imply I was invited to house parties. This was me alone at the one pub that would serve children ah cheers cheers oh man it's nice it's a good old ale i like i just like saying bath ale but yeah well it sounds like it's been made in the prohibition in someone's bathtub yes or it is either it's been made in prohibition in someone's bathtub,

or it's like those creepy, you know, you can buy people's bathwater? Yes. I think we talked about that on here. Yeah, I think so. That lady who was selling her bathwater. Whereas, like, this is the bathwater of, like, an alcoholic, a really famous YouTuber who's an alcoholic. Yeah.

You go, you can buy his bath water and it's well it's you know it's four percent well i mean it's ale these sort of brown ales do taste how i imagine an alcoholic sweat would taste yes and it turns out it's quite delicious and malty yeah which is why it's worth it's worth licking an alky that's the first thing you said to me when we first that's that's true i remember you said by me That's true, I remember you said By the way, I've never broken into a school And I said, I did a shrug It's worth licking an alky

And we both looked at each other like Okay, it's going to take time to understand Each other This relationship's going to take A while to really We're both many layered onions over here That's true I was id'd twice today i beg your pardon once i tried the first time i tried to buy a video game

that was 18 plus wow and was id'd at argos by a girl less than half my size they should respect size at Argos. Yeah. And she sort of laughingly said, you look so young. Really? Yeah. And then on the way back, I went to Waitrose to buy a bottle of English bubbly. Because it's supposed to be very good these days. I hear that.

And the guy asked me for my ID. What? The guy who's seen me at Waitrose for like every, twice a week for three years ID'd me today. I think I look very young today. Yeah, did you sleep really well? Are you glowing? Maybe I did sleep well. You got up on the young side of the bed.

It's probably because I've let my facial hair grow a little. And so contrary to making me look older, it's so shitty it actually makes me look younger. Do you think that's because because i was gonna say you've got like a mustache goatee stubble patch yeah but it's awful and it's like all separate and that you can literally count the hairs so i look like a teenager do you do you think you look like when you're more than if it's the shape yeah then maybe that's it do you think you look like when you're a kid and you want to dress as a pirate for a party and you do but those dots on your face yeah that is it there's about yeah the number is about the same of dots to head when

you'd be bothered whereas we just bought some beers just now yeah and the guy didn't even ask you for your id he he clicked the is is purchase a 25 button like it's clearly looks clearly over 25 and you're younger than me. Also, I've had that button pressed for me on base, very, with very few exceptions

since I was like 20, maybe 19, 20. I think, I think today the guy looked at me and his reaction was not only not to question if I was over 25,

it was to be surprised I didn't have a beer in my hand already. We presume you made these at home, sir. Look at your beard. You're telling me you don't even have nary one still? This is Barthale. We presume you were the sea captain on Adnams. On the Adnams.

On the ghost ship. Yeah, the ghost ship Lollipop. I'd watch the ghost ship lollipop. Just the whole, the ghost ship lollipop. Like all very nice, but they're like rotten skeletons. It's like a zombie.

So it's still the little kid with the curls and the big lollipop and the little outfit, but it's like half her face is a skull. And like this worms and maggots climbing out of it so tim burton's directing it yeah that's what we're saying undead shirley temple oh my god that's a great character that's a great halloween costume that's like an alan moore character yes zombie shirley temple is an alan moore character through and through Alan Moore character. Yes, Zombie Shirley Temple is an Alan Moore character through and through.

What was the Alan Moore character we came up with? It was Detective Barbie. It was Noir Barbie. We were saying it was a lot like an Alanbie it was noir barbie we were saying was a lot like an alan moore character like a really gritty la barbie yes yes yes yeah barbie barbie ken's on heroin and barbie's considering going back to the valley to do porn yeah she's she's uh she's really big on the stiff limb porn scene there's a lot of fetches out there who love people who can't unpoint their toes it's big money phil and she bought that she bought that boat on her she bought that uh barbie's dream house on a crippling 2007 mortgage

but to be fair she only did it to fine-hand her ludicrous number of degrees that she was studying for an extraordinary number of professions she was preparing for astonishing you if it comes under the term profession you know law medicine accountants you name it she was there yeah and in that brand new Jeep. Can you even begin to fathom how many diplomas Barbie has? That money doesn't come from nowhere. Not in America. Fuck no.

Yeah, that's right. Every year is like $20,000, $30,000. Yeah, I'm surprised she didn't have to sell her ass more. She's a polymath, but that can only get you so much money so quickly. She's clearly the equivalent of Isaac Newton with the sheer breadth of her expertise. But, I mean, student loans is going to be knocking on that Dreamhouse door. So this is funny. I was looking today to see if I could get Detective Barbie online to play.

Yes, well. And all I could find, it didn't take very long, but all I could find was a YouTube playthrough of Detective Barbie. And it starts with the credits. And the first title, you know like when the title cards come up with various production companies or developers that have been involved in the game. Yeah, it goes, Babu, Barbie, like it does a little jingle.

Yeah, and then the first one was, it was like this purple background with a sort of image of a disc, like a CD-ROM, and it said, barbie software for girls i love the idea that in the finally in the eyes of mattel the only software appropriate for girls was something that was branded barbie it's about time that there was software there's some software that girls could understand That was pink enough for girls

All this other software is very blue Yeah, it's very blue And also the keys are so big Their tiny fingers can't type hard enough To make the letters appear This source code is written in blue I expect a woman to understand A man coded this app

You're using a man's app Man's app Man's app Man's app One of Barbie's enemies Sounds like one of her weapons maybe When Ken's out of order Man's app

Get out of the convertible Ken A modern A modern Barbie So... A modern Barbie. So painful. A modern Barbie who's got like all these horrible tools to do it. Feminazi Barbie, that's the Barbie I want to see. God. Feminazi Barbie.

SJW Barbie. Social Justice Warrior Barbie would be very funny. Comes with a Tumblr blog. And blue hair. Well, it turns out this was a Trilogy Detective Barbie was a trilogy And what I had was Detective Barbie 2 The Vacation

So she's trying to Fucking relax after the last murder suicide That's literally how it starts It starts with We drove to our vacation mansion because we were so tired from all the detective work and it turns out when they arrive at what is supposed to be their rest from detective work what do they stumble upon straight away it's just another bloody case it's uh it's a trafficking ring for children or whatever yeah

it's pretty dark stuff it's really dark wow okay and then what's the third one dark knight rises barbie joker um the uh the third one is um it's the return of the king and it turns out um barbie is the rightful heir to malibu right and so she has to defeat the the now corrupt and insane steward of malibu yes yes yes that makes sense yeah yes okay well that's worth it yes okay so we'll try and sort out some kind of playthrough there's a huge um battle in her beach house at the end and uh loads of glowy green ghosts of pets. Of the newly deceased retirees of Florida. I was going to say like old kids characters like Betty Boop who aren't around anymore come to help her.

You know, old toys. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Horrible little action figures. Yeah, they see the castle toy story as ghosts yes yes yes yes yes yes woody's in hell he knows why yeah i mean there was more than a snake in his boot that's all i'll say you know a white man from that period you dig deep enough no matter how many look the main thing is not to worry about which side Woody was on in the US Civil War. Woody from Toy Story was a confederate.

It's a real shame. He's doing the rebel yell. He was there at all the big battles. Gettysburg. The snake in his boot is the same snake from the Don't Tread On Me flag. That's how I got in there. That's what he's referencing. There's a snake in my boot.

You get my meaning. Yankee. That's actually the only reason he doesn't like Buzz Lightyear. He thinks he's a Yankee carpetbagger. That's what he keeps calling him. What's a carpetbagger? Do you know where that comes from? No.

So after reconstructions, after the US Civil War, the South was just devastated economically. Partially because of, I think, Sherman's March to the Sea? No, Ulysses Grant. Ulysses Grant's March to the Sea. Anyway, they burned everything to the fucking ground. Who did? The Yankees? The North, yeah. Well, like plantations and stuff all of it like loads of the biggest cities were you know

they were all made of wood like old-timey towns right but this is after the war no no as at the end of the war to like really put it down oh really they fucking raised oh really the shit to the ground they were it was really brutal um and so loads of land was going cheaply and now like you have to pay people instead of having slaves and loads of like people fled, loads of people died. And so Yankees would come down on the train from Chicago or New York or whatever with carpet bags full of money. Because in those days you would just buy stuff with cash. And they would just go into town with this bag full of cash and just buy up property. Buy up shops, buy up farms. And they were just go into town with this bag full of cash and just buy up property, buy up shops, buy up farms.

And they were very unpopular. So it's like, goddamn carpetbagger! Because it's like you're coming in here taking advantage of our defeated state. To be completely frank with you, as a member of the liberal metropolitan elite, that sounds bloody brilliant. I wish we could do the equivalent of that everywhere. And just burn fascist houses to the ground. Well, not even fascist. If the most illiberal segment of your population...

Yeah. Like, even if that's... Yeah, you just go in and just take everything from them. You can't have this anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah just go in and just take everything from them. You can't have this anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. China's changed you, Phil. Yeah. I can see it's really got under your skin.

Sometimes you just have to take shit. That's what I've learned. Yeah. Sometimes you've got to get things done. Get Brexit done. Just get it done were you were you away for a lot of this election stuff

you must have been I've been away for the last two weeks I was away for the Prince Andrew interview but we got drips and drabs of it Through what we could get To China But then when I got back I watched it

I watched the whole thing I mean it's the best hour of television of the year Surely Sorry Fleabag I think nonce bag Nonce bag And the nonce in that sentence Referred to Jeffrey Epstein I think non-spag is... Non-spag. Yeah. And the nonce in that sentence referred to Jeffrey Epstein, just to be clear.

For now. No, not for now. I'm joking. It's a comedy show. Anyway. Yes, I would say a fantastic half hour, hour? It was an hour. It was an hour of TV.

Well, it flew by. It really did bad performance though but that's what made it so interesting i mean if i mean an extraordinary depiction of a man who's definitely lying uh really interesting to watch someone who's been told by a butler what it's like to look surprised. Yes. Yes. Your Highness, when members of the public are surprised, their eyebrows go up and their eyes become bigger. And they go, oh, and they sort of look.

And they cock their head. Like one of your hounds, Your Majesty. 30 degrees to the left, yes. Like one of your hounds would cock his head. Yes. I see, I see. Good. This is all good, Reginald. Please prep me more for this interview.

That's a good idea. I mean, it's extraordinary. There's so many highlights in the Prince Andrew interview. I think one of them is towards the end when Prince Andrew says that Jeffrey Epstein's behavior had become unbecoming. Yes. And Emily Matlis goes, unbecoming? He's a sex offender. Her face is just like.

Goes, what? It's so extraordinary. It's just great. It's great television. It's so extraordinary It's just great It's great television It's so wonderful May you live in interesting times And by damn we do Wow

You know what an appropriate punishment is For hanging out with a big nonce for ages For no reason He's had his birthday party cancelled And I think We can all agree that's the harshest punishment any one of us would face if we hung out with a child trafficking nonce billionaire after he'd got out of jail for doing exactly that.

I think the biggest punishment you or me would face, Phil, is that our mum would cancel our birthday party. Because, you know, we live in an episode of a fucking Nickelodeon show where that is the worst thing that can happen to you. No cake for you. You are hanging out with the nuns. But they're still going to have a private birthday party.

That's the thing. Because it's his 60th, isn't it? Yeah, it is. It's a big one. But then it has to be a small, big one. It can't be an official one. If anything, we've just driven his birthday party even further underground. So is it going to be just a very uncomfortable family affair? Do you think they're going to do a Prince Andrew roast?

Yes, it was going to be bigger. But Andrew was one of his friends. Well, it wasn't him. It was his friend um his friend was a mega nonce i believe is what they're calling it in the press he had he had a he lived on a nonce island he had a secret pedo island and a pedo jet did he visit the superhero where his thing was that he was a peter if there was a pedo avengers he would have definitely been in the superman or batman

no no no not avengers i got the franchise wrong uh pedo justice league yeah there you go he would have been in the superman or batman role and michael jackson would have been the other one whichever one he wasn't his his island is basically like a Peter Thunderbirds. He launched various vehicles. To go and collect. Like a cave would open up and a big Peter rocket would go. Five, four, three, two, one. Also, if you watch footage of Epstein, that's how he moved.

He had that weird Team America sort of footsteps. He had those big old weird eyes and his eyelashes are too long. Yeah, yeah. Did you see all that stuff about how Epstein wanted to clone himself and freeze his dick? Of course he did. You can't be an evil secret pedo billionaire with no clear source of income without that kind of thing crossing your mind because you're you want to still be a pedo in the year 2300 but you don't you don't want to be too much older he's up he's up late at night

what if they don't have pedos in the future i must find a way i'm gonna i'm just gonna search that that's a fun time travel movie a movie where humanity eradicates pedos so one person travels through time to teach everyone to teach everyone to still have stranger danger even though it's not a problem for them anymore. That's a good... Wait, there are enough movies where he... It's Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator. You know, he appears like naked in that ball of thunder, but he just stands up naked and he's in a busy playground. Everyone's going, ah, and running.

Immediately he's activated. I just looked it up. Yeah, Jeffrey Epstein wanted to freeze his penis with cryogenics according to oh and according to a new york times article jeffrey epstein allegedly had plans to impregnate 20 women at a time at his own baby ranch a baby right where he grew babies yeah like like he would create a legion of epsteins wow yeah well so he wanted to cryogenically freeze just his dick his dick and his brain like his dick and his head his two heads right and how did he expect them to work after thawing it's only threw him in the sink and ran

him under a tap like a frozen hot dog yeah well and telling whoever he's gonna fucking molest with it just to hang on a second i'm just defrosting this don't go anywhere i know i'm just a head on a horrifying robot body no i don't want to put it in the microwave because they'll cook it a bit this this this whole story is like something from a satire written in hell. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Because if the Epstein thing is true, it's like when you found out MKUltra was true. You know, that the CIA were kidnapping homeless people from Canada and feeding them LSD to try and see if they could turn them into assassins.

That happened. The CIA released those documents themselves. And they were like, yeah, fair fucks, we did it. It didn't work. And you go, that was true? If the Epstein thing is true, what else is true? Like, it ruins your whole, like, it's such a break in reality. You go, there was a pedo island.

Who was there? The royal family. No. Who else was he friends with? The Clintons. And Donald Trump and everyone. And you go, but no, they can't, No, that's what trolls on Twitter say about stuff. That's like conspiracy theorists of the worst kind.

What I can't get around is, if you've made enough money to have an island, surely you go, I should probably... I should probably put the Peter thing on ice. Like my dick. Like my dick, I should put the Peter thing on ice. Because I've got an island. Like, it's not worth putting at risk.

I have an island. But then is it that you get that far in life and you go, oh, nothing can touch me. I can do what I want. And so you keep going. If you can have a dinner party with a major member of the royal family, fifth in line to the throne, Stephen Hawking, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton. Stephen Hawking? Yeah, he was at one of the dinner parties really this is the thing with epstein brain because you read the more you read the more you go anything is true it doesn't matter the world is an insane comic book um he would

have these dinner parties epstein with like all these geniuses and like he would invite like all the top professors from mit and a Royal and, you know, fucking Hollywood celebrity and a list musician. And they'll all have a dinner party. And he would sit around the table saying, I'm going to have a baby farm. I'm going to freeze my dick. And everyone would be like, yes,

Jeffrey, this is a lovely dinner party. How certain would you have to be that someone wasn't a pedo to go to a dinner party? Like, is it going to be a really good dinner party? It'll be your favorite food in the world. But, okay, you're asking me. And you'll be sat next to all your heroes. But you're asking me.

But you are 10% certain the host is a pedo. Okay, so what's the percentage I'm happy with? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of thinking. 10% is just a starting point. Okay, so there's something that I'm happy with? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of thinking. 10% is just a starting point. Okay, so there's something that makes me think they might be a nonce. Yeah.

It's like a passing comment or... Someone else went, oh, he likes them young. Right, okay. Yeah, let's say that's the hardest evidence you have. Okay, so I was in a bar three months before. In a bar in a bath? A bar. Making beer. You were in a bar three months before in a bar in a bath a bar making beer oh in a bar you're in a bar three months before yeah yeah drinking beer that someone made in a bath yeah and someone goes i go i'm gonna go for a party at blank's house dinner party yeah

everyone's gonna be there that nelson mandela whatever yeah and they're like oh you like some young and i go what mandela i suppose you go what mandela what mandela and they go no no blank And they're like, oh, he likes them young. And I go, ha ha. What, Mandela? I thought you were going, what, Mandela? What, Mandela? And they go, no, no, no, blank. And I go, oh, oh, okay. And I go, huh. And then they go, so anyway, did you see the sport game?

And I'm talking about something else now. But it's in my head, like you say. That's not enough. That's not enough to stop me. You'd go. You'd still go. Likes them young. That could mean anything. That could mean he's like

Like wines, like he likes young wines That's what I think That's what I think It means he prefers young to Freud He likes them young He likes his quotes young He likes his quotes young No Freud, don't quote Freud at that dinner party

Or you'll be out in your ear He believes in the collective psyche He likes them young And. No Freud. Don't quote Freud at that dinner party or you'll be out in your ear. He believes in the collective psyche. He likes him young. And he's a pedo. No, I don't know, because that could mean like, okay, he's a bit of a creepy dude and he fucks with like 19-year-old models. And you go, okay, well, that's not ideal, but it's not a crime. It's not going to stop me from meeting all my heroes at a freaky dinner party in a rich mansion still built on pie or whatever you'd be looking forward

to fresh built on pie in this part of the world i mean you know i'll bite your arm off exactly um okay so what comment do you think would stop you? Would that stop you, first of all? I would be like Sam Young. And like, all my heroes are there. It's like Dave Chappelle is there. Who else are your heroes? Xi Jinping is there. Dave Chappelle is there. That would be a fun thing to put, Xi Jinping and Dave Chappelle. That would be good. Okay, Dave Chappelle is there. The guy who founded Singapore is there somehow Oh yeah, yeah, yeah Who's a famous engineer? Isambard Kingdom Brunel is there

Pussy Riot are there Do you not like Pussy Riot? I don't think of someone else I mean, I've expressed interest in one of those words love a riot phil loves throwing flares at the police um okay so i really want to be there just everyone it's great it's like it's the dinner party from from heaven he would have to be um convicted okay because i even i have my limit so it was like dinner party day before the verdict was read out you'd be like good luck tomorrow it's a good it's a goodbye

dinner party yeah you'd i'd say no to that you'd be in the corner with dave chappelle and then you'd be like oh yeah yeah good luck tomorrow man so d Dave, when you started out, were you 15? You get right to the core of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I can respect that because you're there for the other people. Yeah, exactly, exactly. When you end up at these places, the host actually plays a pretty small part. Yes, you'd hope so.

They invite you in. They make a toast. Aside from that, it's anyone's game, really. From the sounds of it, Epstein was really going on about how much he wanted to freeze his dick like they were talking to some of the mit professors or whatever whoever it was who went there and they were like yeah the conversation would be very interesting and they'd be very interesting people there but he really would you know direct it in some pretty odd ways he'd have a lot of questions about you know like like cryogenics or physics, but they would always end up circling back to his weird, like, plan. Like, it was like he'd got them there

to, like, a mad king. What know you of eternal life? Yeah, like he's collecting all the smartest people in the country to turn his dick into gold or whatever. Yeah, like he was saying to people, yes, yes, and in any of your work In the physics department of the University of Cambridge Have ye

Have ye ever stumbled across Word of Eternal life Just as a jest I inquire of course but Have ye Like he'd be really Or he'd bring out a big tray

and he'd say I possess in my collection an eldritch gem look you upon the gem tell me of its properties like he'd bring out all these relics God it was probably like that. That's the trouble with Epstein brain I'm probably saying a real thing now You might want to be careful about saying you have Epstein brain Yeah

Hey it's going around I mean you know Yeah fuck that's not good is it Really gotta rename that Sorry guys I'm not making much sense I've got real Epstein brain Sorry guys I'm not making a lot of sense My brain is a pedophile

I'm not my brain is though Like a real separation of mind and brain. Yeah, Epstein conspiracy brain. We weren't expecting this pod to be this to be a pedopod. It's a pedopod. Two beads in a pod. Send in your Epstein

conspiracy theories. Well, as you say, it's such a conspiracy. It's already true. It's already true. It's already true. What is there to answer? You'd have to make up a conspiracy theory about how it wasn't true. The maddest thing you could do is try and explain it away now. Yeah, there's actually

a red flag. It's all a big misunderstanding. Oh, you mean a false flag? False flag, sorry. It's full of red flags. Like having a nonce jet. Pretty big red flag. That's a big red flag to me. A false flag to me. Yeah, send them in. It's wine o'clock somewhere.

Give me the coffee and no one gets hurt. Bless this mess. I like two things. Pals and Prosecco. And I'm all out of pals. One Prosecco, two Prosecco, three Prosecco, floor. If the wife asks, I'm working. Keep calm and keep drinking tea. Tat-a-tac! That's right, it's Tat-a-tac. If the wife asks, I'm working. Keep calm and keep drinking tea. Tat Attack! That's right, it's Tat Attack.

Tat Attack, the nation's favourite feature. You guys have been sending in a deluge. Yes, thank you so much for the tat. Of tat, my word. You've been attacking us with your tat. Some of your tats. You've really been showing us your tats. The tats you've shown us.

You've got your tats out for the lads. They are some of the most astonishing Tats we've ever seen with our eyes Really well done everyone In fact Just a fresh one A lot of you have sent them through on Twitter We've responded or not

We'll have to sit and go through the tat I've collected them all It's a pile of tat Alexander Bennett, friend of the pod And a wonderful comedian Has sent in some tat tat i mean i've collected them all it's a pile of tat alexander bennett friend of the pod and a wonderful comedian uh uh has sent in some tat just this very day phil and you know what it's seasonal tat fresh tat it's fresh it's a fresh bunch of tat uh he says hello there sir hope you very well i was uh listening to bud pod during a standard pre-gig mooch around a city center

we know that. Yes. From the listener's point of view, if you're a stand-up comedian, the cheapest trains or easiest way to make sure you're in town in time for a gig, if you say, if you live in London and you're gigging in, what, like, Northampton,

you get the train and you have an hour. Yep. So you have to pootle about. Little pootle. Yeah. Little pre-gig pootle. So, standard pre-gig mooch around a city centre. He says, I think I found the epicentre of seasonal tat.

British-German Christmas markets. Right. I did not know this. I presume the Germans are too sensible and... You've seen a German market? Yeah, but they don't have tat. They usually have just a lot of glue vine and sausages. That's true.

Tat of the belly, perhaps. But belly tat. Delicious belly tat. Oh, we'll get some glue vine. Anyway, the following scenes, he says, are from a faux cabin in Manchester This is a faux cabin as in a fake cabin Not a cabin made of Vietnamese noodles It's not a big soupy old cabin

Okay No, more is the pity So first we see a big picture of a cabin And it's called Witch House As in... Oh, okay Not like a magazine telling you which are the best houses no although um if anywhere could have that it's the north where houses seem to cost a pound the other day just uh just for fun i looked up houses in inverness and i could live

in a castle i could live in an actual castle. Maybe we should just go live in the Bud Castle. That'd be great. A little pod castle. Ooh, pod castle. It's the same spelling up till the L-E-R. Fucking hell. So here's a bit of tat for you, Phil. It is a sort of poster,

one of those like solid posters, not like paper. Or like a sort of poster One of those like solid posters Not like paper Or like a sort of metal one And it's a man holding up What you might call a schooner of beer Like an old school beer glass With his head Looks a bit 1950s And the top of the poster says

Beer! So it's a strong start Beer! And I think this is the male equivalent of all the gin and wine nonsense yes absolutely beer is my new religion all in capitals and i have been truly all in capitals saved that's it it doesn't it has no pun it's got no other meanings. That is like they've written it word by word and just sort of gone with it, just hoped it would work out. Like those memes when people do predictive text, like, what does your phone think you're gonna say? Beer! Okay, so we start with beer. What can we say beer is? Beer is my new... friend... child... religion. Who's the ultimate friend god god yeah it's a beer beer is my new religion and i okay as a result of it being my religion and it'd be i am truly buy me some time truly

saved i'm truly saved yeah and it's not an exclamation mark either Look at that It's just a guy going beer is my new religion And I have been truly saved Why pick up truly Why pick up truly Why capitalize truly It's just like going okay

Alright And I've been truly saved Has this guy never had beer before? Why is it a religion now? What? Saved from what? So here's another poster. There's three... Oh, this is Alex.

This is all from Alex. This is all still Alex. What I love most about my home is who I share it with. And the O in home is shaped like a house How? Let me see It's just a picture of a house Oh, it's a picture of a house with a heart-shaped hole in it And that is the O

What I love most about my home is who I share it with Which Okay, again The correct response to a lot of tat is a shrug of dismissal If that's the case, then why have you bought that plaque? Yes, exactly. To put in your physical home. Another metal poster. Free beer tomorrow. Oh, no!

Because it's never tomorrow, is it? Tomorrow is a metaphysical concept. It can't exist. We're never in it. And then this one, these last two, are a real piece of gibberish. Okay. Really, I don't understand what they mean.

The best mirror is... What do you think it says? The best mirror is... The best mirror... The best mirror is... What? Oh, gosh. The best...

If you get this, I'll eat my phone. Okay. That's how little sense I think it makes. Is it a cutesy one or like a farty flippant one it's quite cutesy bootsy cutesy so the best mirror is your lover's eyes close but you're still thinking too sensibly because eyes can reflect things yeah this is It's just gibberish. The best mirror is an old friend. What? I look like my old friend?

You know how friends get greasier the longer you know them? And their skin shines more and more. Do you know how you know whether or not you need a haircut? Because you just look at your oldest friend and they'll tell you, I guess? Oh, I think I've got something in my teeth. Hey, Ben, would you just look at me? We haven't talked since primary school. I know.

I know. We're not good friends, but you're my oldest friend. You're the person I've known the longest. And I think I've got something in my teeth. And for some reason our trust has only grown secretly over the years. Really weird. The best mirror is an old friend.

We have cellared. We've put our friendship in the cellar. Sorry about all the wine analogies. You love wine. Okay, so I'm going to give you the first half of this. This is the last bit of tat Alex gave us, and it's still gibberish, I think.

A true friend comes in when... My favorite thing about tat... Comes in is in big letters. My favorite thing about tat is it's weird and ineffective and inexplicable choice of prepositions, grammatical structures sentence structures so a good friend comes in yeah yeah exactly it's all very abstract and also it doesn't mean sort of like comes along or a good friend makes themselves known known yeah available a good

friend comes in is so vague and sort of ineffective and it's not a thing you'd say it's not a it's not a sentence also it speaks of a mind of of like the kind of people who we know who sit on their own feverishly examining all their friendships who are never relaxed fun people the kind of person like goes on facebook and says been really let down by someone today don't want to talk about it yeah exactly you know they go away they make tat their heyday was the myspace friend ranking system that was their fucking heyday exactly that was the last time the world made sense to them yeah they went there were numbers so it says a true friend comes in when okay so it's probably going to play against something going out there's going to be a parallel something going out so true friend comes in when when good luck goes out runs out oh it's close that actually

makes more sense uh i think than this you want to know yeah a true friend comes in when the rest of the world walks out that's prince andrew yeah i was just about to say, Epstein wished. This is a photo from Peter Island. He would tap it. I'm going to tap the sign, Your Highness. Just remember. Just remember, a good friend comes in when the rest of the world walks out. Gosh, it's a bad tat. Alex says, it's also the actual products on sale at these things.

I've walked past dream catchers at the German Christmas market, magic pens, and those creepily realistic sleeping pet dolls. It's as if the shopping... Sleeping pet dolls? Yeah. Like a sleeping dog, I think he means.

Oh, right. But it's like ceramic or something. Yeah, I think so. But like really realistic. It's as if the shopping center itself has flushed, draining all of the real scum onto the streets Hope these are of interest They are of interest, Alex Bless you for sending them in

I just can't imagine walking through a German market And seeing that, and not wanting a piece of tat Going in, but seeing that and going Huh That's really moved me It's just moved me so much, I want to see it every day Where I live I need to remember that is so much, I want to see it every day. I, where I live.

I need to remember that. That's what you're supposed to think. A good friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out. You know what, you know where I need to look at that every day? The den. In my den. The man cave.

Speaking of man caves, I think Alex has sort of touched on a particularly rich seam of tat, which is man tat. Man tat. Which as you say is sort of about beer or man caves or keeping secrets from the wife and this one is sent in from another Alex, Alex Kenefsky on Twitter

and he says saw this at the pub and thought of you the Bud Pod and it's one of those sort of chalkboard signs that people get creative on and this is right outside the front door of this pub and

the pub is called the Evenload and it says the Evenload husband crash husbands are infantilized exactly husband crash it's a even load, husband crash. Husbands are infantilized. Yeah, exactly. Husband crash.

It's a crash for your husband. And the bullet points under it are, is he getting under your feet? Is he moaning about shopping? Oh. Would your day be stress-free without him? We have the perfect answer. Drop him off at our husband crash inside. It's free!

We'll take good care of him. He is in safe hands and you can enjoy a peaceful afternoon. All you have to do is pick him up when you're done and pay his bar bill. They just said it was free. Yeah! And it says TLC guaranteed.

Tender loving care guaranteed We're going to wank your husband off here in the pub As he gets drunk We're going to get your husband drunk and touch him We're going to get your husband drunk and wank him off And as long as you pay the bar bill It's no questions asked I mean it's progressive in the sense that it expects the wife to pay the bar bill

Yes but then it undermines that with the fact that she's been shopping Yeah Is he complaining about all the shopping you've done with your lipstick face? Is sort of what it's saying. Whereas if it was like, is he bored of hearing all about your neurosurgery that you did successfully? But then it's like, well, your husband sounds like a fucking asshole. You both sound like assholes. Yeah, the idea that a husband can walk around literally going,

Oh, you need to be buy more things for our family. Why aren't I drunk? I'm seven. I'm seven and I want to be drunk. Put me in that creche where old men in big coats try and sell meat that they've clearly stolen. God, that is grim. Good tat insults everyone involved. That's a rule?

Yes, yes, yes. The ideal tat sort of... Insults everyone in the equation. Yeah, reduces the value of everyone involved. Yeah, I think that's a good rule to work with from now on. Let me see. Oh, this is a good one.

Make this the final piece of tat. Oh, this is a good one. Make this the final piece of tat. Oh, this is the final piece of tat? Oh, there's a lot of pressure. Yeah. Let me have a quick gander. I think that's definitely the rule, is that if it infantilizes or is reductionist of everyone involved

in the story of the tat, then it's a really good tat. All dads are like bored children who want to be drunk and all mums are like shopaholic gin wizards who hate their husbands and everyone just no relationship seems to be based on liking each other it's always been oh want them to shut up put this in their gob or whatever it's this horrible it's like everybody loves raymond it's always a hellscape have you found some sweet tat i mean there's some collections of tat this one is a big sort of montage okay um and ironically the the caption uh james was sent in and has given is quite man tatty nice it starts a wife-enforced early Christmas shopping trip.

So a bit man-tatty already. He's the target market. But even he doesn't like it. To home sense, made bearable by a Budpod-inspired side quest. Lovely. Nice, thank you. In search of glorious tat. What a treasure trove this place is. And, yeah, so it's a

montage, not montage, what's a picture that's made up of a smaller picture? A collage. A collage. Yeah. A real tat. So the first one is, if our dog doesn't like you, we probably won't either. Right.

So if you're a cat. If you're a cat or fireworks. Or smell like another dog. Or chocolate. Or grapes. Grapes grapes dogs can't eat grapes they have a natural antifreeze and the dog's liver just explodes the dogs can no longer freeze which they have to they're full of ice people don't know this but dogs are full of they're cold-blooded like friendly lizards one of these cards on here literally just says, life is lovely.

In cursive writing, life is lovely. Like a stoned grandma. Life is lovely. One is just a picture frame with a picture with the words, we have nothing to lose and a world to see. You have a lot to lose. Also, you won't realize how much you have to lose

until you go to certain parts of the world. Oh, yeah. Once you see enough world, you realize how much you have to lose. You go, I could lose my arms. I could lose my passport. There's two things. I could lose my passport. We've learned that a German girl can shit away my passport

if we're not careful. Oh, yeah, of course. This happened to a listener a listener if you if you go back and listen to the back catalog you'll hear at some point the story of a a german backpacker in australia who shatters off into exile that's that's the end that's that's 39 yeah that's episode 39 um thank you so much for all the tats keep sending in tat we're we're showing us your tats we Sorry for doing no correspondence, but we just got too into the whole Epstein thing.

It's a lot of fun. It's a lot going on in there. He wants to freeze his dick. But keep listening and tell your friends and keep sending us cool stuff you think we'll like. Bye. Bye.