BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 40 - MidlifePod!

Episode Date: December 4, 2019

40 today! Mid-life crisis! Phil is eating chocolate because he is a revolting boy. Pierre Novellie and Phil Wang discuss Ren and Stimpy close ups, inventing things that already exist, surfers surfing into poo, Mayan wheels, Pierre and Frank looking at artefacts like REAL celebrities, Phil had a stomach bug and OOOWEE! But who is to blame? Pierre’s beefy bakewell. What other flavour combinations are unacceptable? More jazz names! Marshmallow roots! Correspondence too: our bum bum talk nearly ruined an anniversary party, can you chop a mountain, Sue Perkins break up and a great Okay Thank You from Lauren who coins a great new term. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 40, don't be so naughty, and the church of naughty boys and girls. The church of naughty boys and girls. Naughty little boys and naughty little girls is 40 years old. Budpod is 40, ladies and gentlemen. 40, 40. Budpod's buying a sports car and fucking a student. Budpod's risking getting suspended From the student faculty teaching job That's Budpod for you

That's Budpod for you Budpod's got a leather jacket And like salt and pepper hair Yes and The hair's it's like long hair It's like yeah you know I never had my hair Cut like a square

Budpod sounds hot actually Yeah? Budpod smokes But they're like hair never had my hair cut like a square oh but what sounds hot actually yeah yeah but parts smokes but they're like the what is it menthols would that be sexier oh normal be sexier i think normal sex yeah oh hang on let me just screw something in oh i don't know if you can hear this okay today i am declaring the right to bear chalks. I'm eating chocolate because Bud Potter's 40 and I now have the diet of a divorced 40-year-old man.

Um, yes. Phil's gonna be Phil's gonna be eating chocolate. I have some mince pies, but I'm not gonna eat anywhere near the microphone because why would I do that to you people? But Phil is the devil devil he's the devil um okay so is this level chewing too much

it wouldn't be if i wasn't listening to it live because it's through my mouth and my mouth is closed i don't might know no exactly but like in real life no but i'm hearing it as if my head is where the microphone is because i'm wearing the headphones. So it's a lot more intimate. You're hearing it like a Ren and Stimpy close-up when someone's whispering into someone's ear. You just see the ear and the lips. Yeah, but also the ear's covered in warts and hairs, and the lips are really weird.

I've seen you at this door, or whatever horrible thing they're saying. I love Ren and Stimpy. They're awful. They invented that, you know. The close-up, high-detailed drawing thing. Yeah, the HD close-up horror where it goes up on the teeth and the teeth are all like, and they're all like lines and there's like a bug.

It's so funny. SpongeBob does it sometimes as well. Yeah. SpongeBob, I think Fairly Odd Parents did it as well. But as far as I'm aware, I sat and looked it up one day because I was so taken with it in my memory. You looked up the device. Yes.

Yes, I was reading articles about Ren and Stimpy because the creator of Ren and Stimpy has turned out to be some sort of unsavory perv. Of course. All geniuses are. As with the going down of the sun, this guy's a perv. Just always.

The guy who invented this microphone's probably a perv. It seems like. I think that might be what my new Edinburgh show is going to be about. Everyone's a perv, so we should just move on? No. I'd like to keep my career. I can't believe you actually think it's fine

to be a perv in this industry. You heard it here first, folks. Oh, no. Puff Pod exclusive. Piers cancelled. You always get cancelled by those closest to you, don't you? Those you least suspect of.

It's like East Germany. Your own mother will put the radio transmitter in there. No, it's like ambition and what it takes to make it i have a stand-up routine about how everyone who's successful seems to have either been a perv or blacked up and i haven't done either of those things so you know i don't have what i don't have what it takes it's about it's about not worrying too much about the consequences of things. Yeah. The most successful people in the world don't understand risk.

Risk, yeah. Because that's that thing, isn't it, where you always look at, say, a billionaire or someone who does really well at horse racing or something, and everyone's always like, wow, they're a genius. You go, no, they're a statistical inevitability. Right. Loads of people tried to do that they just live in a box so they're not here on the 10 o'clock news are they they live in a box yeah yeah you know well it's like there aren't very many hinged billionaires i mean

though the we were the guy who started we work he's a fucking lunatic elon musk yeah fucking crazy well he's not we work's not a billionaire anymore is he since it all exploded in his face since everyone realized he was essentially just a real estate dealer all right yeah but his company was valued at like 50 billion or something yeah yeah because if you if you if you're good at hyping shit up people just believe you because they want to. Yes. And there's that thing of like, it's almost like a meme now of Silicon Valley billionaires reinventing stuff that already exists. Oh, yeah.

Where they were like, right, what if it's like Uber, right? And you can track them. And it's like Uber, but it's not just like Uber, but it's like Uber pool. But it's not just like Uber pool. Loads of people get on and it stops. It finds the most efficient route to stop and drop people it's like a bus a bus you've invented the bus then that's a real thing that someone did really yeah a real guy was like proposing that and like talking about it as if it was like wow yeah and you think wow how bad is

public transport in la that you can invent the bus like it's fucking 1840 how about instead of holding like lots of little things together we just put them all into another thing that you can open so you just have one big thing that you open the thing you put in the smaller things and then you tie the big thing uh to your back and you walk around and you've got all your little things but it looks like you only got one big thing. Yeah, and instead of carrying it, the big thing, instead of carrying it like a loose sack, you know, in your hands in front of you, and not being able to look over the top of it,

like you say, there should be a big ribbon that can make it go across your chest. Yeah, so it doesn't fall off your body. Yeah, so it's attached to your body But not forever No, that would be insane You can take it off at some point So you can get at the many small things that are inside the big thing

Yeah, yeah And that's how Sports Direct started How do we get seeding for this? How do we get seeding? We'll need a viral ironic tweet Okay That seems to be the way business is done How do we get seeding? Yeah. Oh, we'll need a viral ironic tweet. Okay. That seems to be the way business is done. We'll need to get quote tweeted by Al Gore or something.

I don't know. Is he on Twitter, Al Gore? Probably. He's a glutton for punishment. He's a whiny bitch, so he probably is on Twitter. Speaking of Americans Have you seen The Joe Biden's speeches and things

Lately No People don't like him anymore What's he done He's gone mad Really You know how when Donald Trump does a speech And it's a particularly bad one

And you think I can imagine this speech coming from a big armchair In the corner of a very Undefunded retirement home That's Joe Biden now too What sort of thing is he saying imagine this speech coming from a big armchair in the corner of a very underfunded retirement home. That's Joe Biden now, too. What sort of thing is he saying? So he's like a liberal equivalent of Donald

Trump now? No, I'm saying it's like he's got dementia. He's going like, in my day, we all had shoes, but don't worry about the shoes, because the thing with Nixon is, and he's referring to like Theresa May as Margaret Thatcher and stuff. His brain's got turned to cheese it seems like yeah so now it's going to be a competition in the states between two men in their mid to late 70s with dementia like encroaching health issues why do politicians have to be so old it's only this

smarter for it it's weird isn't it when, when David Cameron was Prime Minister when he was 42 and everyone was like, wow. Wonder boy. Look at this itty-bitty baby. He's 42. He remembers the internet from when he was competent and able to learn new things. Mind you, not that it went very well

having someone of that age in there. Not exactly great, Dave. Stability with you, and chaos with Ed Miliband. That's not aged well. That's not aged well. The tweet's not aged well. Just found this tweet.

In hindsight, I wish we'd had chaos with Ed Miliband. It hasn't aged well. Ironically, David Cameron's great failing was thinking too highly of old people. Yes, yes. Expecting too much from old people. Yes, and thinking... Ironically, his failure was not being old enough to know that old people are racist as shit. know that old people are racist as shit his failing was also to think well i mean clear economic diplomatic and military sociological benefits academic benefits energy benefits i

mean you know it's not perfect but i'm sure people will vote for a well-known but imperfect system that they fully understand rather than, you know, a knee-jerk emotional reaction that stabs at the very heart of all of our complacency. Who's ever stabbed at complacency? Not me. That's his ego in a nutshell, isn't it? These people will vote for the sensible thing. They voted for me! Therefore the electorate must be smart.

Yes, yeah, you can't think the electorate are thick if you win. That's the problem, and I look forward to deciding that the public... Guys, we just won. We're the government. Now, we better get shit done now while the public's really clever.

That's supposed to be what every prime minister has thought. Yeah, we have a window now during which the public are inexplicably clever. And we really must get moving on several of our big projects. Yes, I wonder. Do you think that that's what...

That's kind of what we do, isn't it? Like the more successful we get, the more that we'll start to think that the British public have great taste in comedy. We're going to have to try if we're lucky enough to be super super successful we're gonna have to try quite hard to hold on to that particular life raft you know we're like holding it's like holding on to a bollard in a hurricane although isn't it the opposite with very successful comedians that you begin to resent what made you famous. Do you think you start to hate like... These people are hyenas.

You start to... Do you ever have that thing where... I said this to another comedian the other day and they looked at me like I said to them, comedy would be a lot easier if it wasn't for all those tiny men covering my body, screaming at me. Like it was that level of,

they looked at me like, what? No. Do you ever get that thing where a piece of material is sort of like it works so much like it's it's reliable enough that you hate doing it right and you do it and it works and instead of thinking yes they laughed at the joke you think i know you ever have that yeah yeah oh thank okay thank you yeah what do you say that but this person was like, what are you talking about? Another comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was surprised to hear that.

Was surprised I had that feeling, yeah. They still have that. They've managed to somehow maintain that thing of just when it works, they just get the high. I once heard a rumor that there's a comedian on the circuit whose material who has a joke that is so old it requires that disposable nappies haven't been invented yet. I once saw a comedian

do a joke which was... So you're washing out your nappy right? What is the joke? Is it about those big safety pins? Right Maybe You wash out your nappy Then jab yourself in the pin

Then you get shit in your bloodstream You get shit in your bloodstream And there's no antibiotics Because it's pre-war I read recently that 80% of all disease is faeces borne Really? Yeah 80 80 it's not crackers and we've been laughing at poo on this podcast like the naive fools we are we've been enabling a killer 80 80 of illness i guess what else would it be it's not like crows coming and coughing in your eye.

That'd be a pretty fucking rocking way to get sick, though. That'd be a really emo way to die. Yeah. A crow came and coughed in my eye. Now I have tuberculosis. What a way to die. What a way to die. Dying as the crow flies. Nice!

Away! Away. I guess that makes sense, 80%. But what do we do? Do we finally bite the bullet and sew up our bumholes? Is it time we said goodbye to poo? This is my article for the Indy 100. 80% of diseases come from feces, and the Tories should be worried.

We need to talk about poo. Poo is making people sick, and we need to talk about it. It's a BuzzFeed article from 1310. Poo, cuddly friend or deadly killer? Poo, the long read. Which ironically most of you will be doing while you're having a poo. Of course! Welcome everybody. Thank you so much

for coming to TechCon here at ConTech. And we're just so happy to unveil our latest invention. I mean, it has come from the incredible mind of tech billionaire and lifestyle crystal guru, Marius Klums. And have you ever wondered, have you ever been sitting on a train or maybe in the gym or maybe, God, you know, even on an international flight and it's just been a racket And you want to put in your headphones, but you don't want to listen to

anything. You don't want to have to block out the noise with more noise. You don't want to have to hear music instead of hearing the crying baby or the yelling of your ununionized employees. the yelling of your ununionized employees. You just want some silence, and these are headphones that only play silence. So they're noise-canceling in the sense that they're still plugged into your phone, but they're made of cork and foam and a secret ingredient we can't tell you about, but it's mined in the Congo, and that coats the phone and it blocks any sound from getting to your ears at all. We call them silophones and they're gonna be available in apple white and matte black and each pair is only gonna cost $8,000. I was filming recently in China, as we all know And the sound guy, he's a big surfer

And he's saying a couple of weeks before we started the shoot He was surfing off the coast, as one usually does Yeah, hard to surf inland Inland surfing is difficult That's how skateboarding started Famously Ah, sort of the mud skipper of extreme sports. Yes.

Yes. And he was surfing around a bit of water, and unbeknownst to them, there was some illegal sewage discharge. So a sewer was decanting into the bay illegally. It wasn't meant to be spewing out human shit. So they didn't know about it because they get told where sewage comes out. And so he fell in the water and just took a big old mouthful.

No. Of sea poo. No. Of poo sea. Of pooey, pooey sea. No. And. No. Of sea poo No Of poo sea Of pooey pooey sea And No

He was like 100% sick for about two weeks Like he was just in bed with a drip Yeah For like weeks Just officially ill He would have been dead 30 years ago Whatever you know Fuck

Sea poo Just a gob full of seapoo. Just a lump of shit. Yeah. It's amazing. When you hear about that... Well, just like a soup, not even like... Because by that point, it's just a soup of shit and piss.

It's like a gust of cum and spit. Oh, God. Think about what you throw down the sink. It's not just shit. Would that it were just a bit of poo. It's all sorts. Acrylic paint, bleach. Rotten food.

Nappies. All of my nappies. Which are disposable these days, of course. Yes. Sorry to that comedian. That's horrific. And it makes so much more sense. Imagine if there's a cotton bud like flew into your mouth,

like an old cotton bud. And then it got jammed in your mouth. So it held it open like a strut and you just go trying to flood in there make you sick oh that's like in medieval like paratroopers jumping out of a plane cotton bud is slapping them all each turd on the back as it goes through. Green, green, green! Oh, mate. It's like, no wonder the medieval times were so bad.

Where it was like, where's all this incredibly dangerous human shit going? I don't know, the road? Which road? Oh, there. Straight in my ears? A meter away. I used it to cool my face Yes

Why don't Rub your hands With this cooling turd Before you go prepare The king's beef Like no one ever Washed their hands ever For anything

They might like Rinse them But not really The first step to Civilised society Is sanitation Yeah Just wash your fucking hands.

Yeah. It's amazing. Your mortality rate just drops so dramatically once you separate your feces and your people. It seems like an obvious thing, but it's... Well, there's so many obvious things. People go on about food. People go on about food, the importance of food.

Yeah, food's important, but actually the first thing is make sure you put the poo elsewhere. yeah and it doesn't matter what how much food you have if you keep vomiting and shitting it up and what was it was it the it was the inkers or something there was there was a massive it was the inkers or the mayans where they just they never got around to the wheel oh oh then they just didn't have like just had llamas and ramps ramps and dragging stuff yeah There must be a better way Yeah

I mean They're flipping a coin trying to think But it's like I remember Praising the sun Give us a sign It's the best shape Give us a sign the moon Give us a sign the moon the sun Give us a sign. It's the best shape. Give us a sign, the moon. Give us a sign, the moon, the sun.

Give us a sign. My eyes, my everything. This wheel. Yeah. Well, I know that. These plates, look what it is. Give us a sign plate. The Aztecs didn't really use metal either.

They didn't really have much mining and stuff. Oh, they were big into gold, only for ornamental reasons. Oh, they were big into gold, but only for ornamental reasons. Well, they had lots of gold, but gold is very soft. And so they had those clubs with jade studded in. Ah. That's what they were using as weapons. Adzes.

Like wooden clubs. Adze. Yeah. Is that how you say it? How's it spelled? A-D-Z-E. Is it? It's basically like a stone that's been carved,

sort of like an axe, but it's too blunt to be an axe. Yeah. And you have to hit your opponent, your enemy. You hit them just above the ear, and it just cracks open the skull. Just a cross. And their brains just bleed out.

You have to get it right there, right above the ear. Oh, fuck, man. And adds. Christ. And they had those sticks with the jade you know the jaggedy bits like hammered in there oh yeah yeah yum spiked clubs and stuff this is a fun statistic not statistic i guess it's a fact yeah like cambridge university it's coinc coincident with is that the word cam Cambridge University coincides with

the Aztecs. It's mad, isn't it? Yeah, so the Aztecs existed at the same time Cambridge University existed. 1209. Well, predates, I think, as well. Yeah, well, yeah. Because that Aztec civilization started after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nuts. Crazy.

It's so nuts. Me and old Frank Skinner, thanks to all the Budpods who, there have been Budpods at the gigs. Crazy. It's so nuts. Me and old Frank Skinner, thanks to all the Budpods. There have been Budpods at the gigs. Great. Thank you, Budpods, for coming. That's very nice of you. I hope you've enjoyed my bit and Frank's bit. We've been going around looking at all those medieval manuscripts and bones and castles and stuff.

Yeah, so you are on a comedy tour with Frank Skinner, but also on an unfilmed history documentary. Yes. From what social media suggests. Genuinely. Genuinely. are on a comedy tour with frank skinner but also on an unfilmed history documentary yes from what social media suggests genuinely genuinely so frank skin is basically he's getting into you into all the hottest clubs in the uk except they're not clubs they're museums full of all texts and cathedrals genuinely though we were in exeter uh just recently moodling around and it was like oh i wonder if it's a combination of mooching and noodling. Yeah, noodling. Frank was like, oh, the Exeter book.

Apparently the Exeter book's at the cathedral, and we were talking about it. And then the tour manager, Omar, who's great, just went and rang them up and said, hi, I'm a tour manager for Frank Skinner. He wants to see the Exeter book. Can you do that? And they were like, sure. Within half an hour, we were in there. Wow. Looking at this ancient book.

That's the power of celebrity. You can look at any manuscript you want. Incredible. Yeah. It's you there, you, Frank's gonna Kate Moss, looking at the Exeter book. Muttering praise for this vellum. Carla Delevingne fondling a,

fondling a, what are those chess pieces? Oh the Lewis chess man Fondling a Lewis chess man And in the background as always Jeffrey Epstein seemingly Just there as he is everywhere You thought I died I just got my good friends

At the bleep cathedral To mummify me But the extra book 25% of all Anglo-Saxon I just got my good friends at the bleep cathedral to mummify me. But the extra book, 25% of all Anglo-Saxon, like old English literature. What do you mean? So it's like an anthology? Oh, no. You only have it from that book. So if that book had not been preserved, we would have a quarter less of all samples of old English.

Of old English, the language? all documents anything all the literature it's full of poems riddles epic stories right so it's like an anthology of like literature yeah there's loads of literature in it so it's right so it's a collection of different people's writings okay well it's all been yes yeah it's like this is like pre the idea of an author the ballad of buster scruggs right so it's the old yes the exit of the book is uh like the ballad of buster scruggs beowulf beowulf is like fargo uh the finsborough fragment is like uh uh blood evil what's it called blood red blood dangerous blood simple that was the first coen brothers film anyway we're getting really getting in the weeds on this yeah the point is the reason i brought it up is because it's a thing where you look at something a thousand years old or

1100 years old and they're still like civilized civilized in what manner well like like advanced theological and literary concepts are being used. And they're writing about like... Actually, Pierre, religion is not actually advanced. It's actually pretty backwards system of beliefs. No! You've been following Ricky Gervais on Twitter again, haven't you? He just makes sense!

He takes a crazy world and he makes sense of it! I don't know how else to say this! He just doesn't care! He doesn't give a shit what people think! Yeah, we've only been open about half of a year now, but we're already one of the biggest venues on the scene.

We don't let just anybody come, obviously. You have to be pretty famous to be allowed in here. We only serve the best of the best, the cream of the crop uh the other day we had uh we had uh taylor swift she was here uh she was uh she got her hands on the rosetta stone she was feeling it around and you know trying to learn the uh what is it aramaic and uh egyptian hieroglyphs she said for a new song She's going to write a new song completely in hieroglyphics song about her newest leg and Then we also had

The newest leg this is going she's going to write a song about her newest chauffeur We also had oh we had write a song about her newest chauffeur. We also had... Oh, we had... What's her name? Jennifer Lawrence. You know, the one from The Hungry Game. She came in and she got off her face on Roman coins. She's just swimming around in a pool of Roman coins.

We couldn't get her out but you know how jayla is she's crazy she's really good fun really down to earth for such a beautiful famous famous girl uh we also had till this fintan till the sentence oh i believe we love till that till does in tilda comes in all the time she comes in she can't get enough of the Antikythera mechanism. She comes in and she just jams her fingers in there trying to figure out how these ancients could have devised such a complex computational machine before the invention of the transistor. But they did, they found a way and Tilda she can't get enough.

She gets her fingers jammed in there sometimes and we have to say no Tilda, no, come on now, be careful you'll take a sum off and eventually she complies but she's good Tilda, she's crazy again, she's crazy, that's why we love her Oh, it's crazy being in the ancient artifact business, but the scene is booming, it's only going to get better

Speaking of pooping and puking Oh, now you're talking my language This week I had my first, possibly my first ever, stomach bug You missed out on some of your lovely appointments because you were full of bugs It was either stomach bug or I got food poisoning, I don't know what happened But one afternoon last week I just suddenly felt It was either stomach bug or I got food poisoning. I don't know what happened. Ooh. But one afternoon last week, I just suddenly felt, ooh, oh, like that.

And, oh, my God, it's terrible. Yeah. I was shitting piss, by which I mean it felt like piss coming out of my ass. Oh, God. It didn't feel like I was pooping. It felt like I'd been popped, and I was just leaking. Oh, no. I had to get on the was pooping. It felt like I'd been popped, and I was just leaking. Oh, no.

I had to get on the toilet every five minutes. You were staying hydrated? Yeah, but so hard, because you drink it, and you just come straight out of your ass. Oh, God. Just like a hose. Like a hose, you put your thumb over. Just into the toilet bowl. It's horrible.

And then I felt it coming out of my mouth, so I had to turn around. Like, oh, maybe it's that. No. And then you had to get back on your ass and it took like a like a whole for a whole day i was like on and off on the toilet on and off the toilet non-stop and and then the puking started and the puking was so bad like the volume of puke that came out really i the volume was like my body doesn't have this volume where has it been waiting?

and it was the faces I was making when doing this vomiting and I just just wide eyed was that that terrible thing that I think if you're a comedian you get especially where you're self-aware of how silly you look even while a tragedy is happening to you you look like your your body is surprised by how much it's vomiting

you feel like it's not how james Bond would vomit No he'd be like He'd retain like a flat strong brow Yeah He wouldn't go You can't change your face Why does every Every puma in the world when they vomit They look like they're in a carry on film Yeah

Or like a really Those really insane It always seems to be like Japanese adverts, you know, when someone goes off, Oh, like they're so they really shocked at how good value a product is or something. And it's always to camera away from the conversation. Yeah. It's, it's that. Oh, that's me vomiting.

Oh, it turns me Japanese. That's what the song I think of Japanese is about. It's about a bout of food poisoning. Oh, that's me vomiting. Oh, that's me vomiting. Oh, that's me vomiting. Oh, that's me vomiting. Oh, that's me vomiting. Oh, that's me vomiting And turns me Japanese That's what the song I think of turning Japanese is about It's about a bout of food poisoning Like I was making that noise Why did you make

You're not conscious of making the noise Why yell through puke Why You're trying to You're trying to yell While your yelling tube is engaged It's because you're scared Your body's scared

It doesn't know what's going on What's this? Hey, why is it coming up? This isn't normal Horrible, man This is spiking a lot There's a lot of yelling Oh, no! This isn't normal. Horrible, man. This is spiking a lot. There's a lot of yelling.

Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. If any of you have been listening to this out loud, I hope you enjoyed that bit. I've never drunk so much rehydration salts. What is the culprit? Let's talk about guilt. Well, if it was food poisoning It was a noodle dish from a

Get this, Malaysian restaurant In Chinatown The level of betrayal I felt Oh no, so you think that might have been it? What did you eat? It was a gonlo me Gonlo me? Gonlo you? Gonlo Mee? Gonlo you?

Gonlo Mee Amazing Which is like a sort of cold dish noodles With a dark soy Dark soy sauce You put vegetables and minced pork on it And I ate it and it tasted like Sour ginger

You're not supposed to have ginger in this So maybe they chopped it up On an unwashed chopping board and it tasted like some sour ginger. You're not supposed to have ginger in this. So maybe they chopped it up on an unwashed chopping board and it had a lot of ginger from something and also a lot of bacteria. I don't know. But it tasted off. It tasted off. But it might not have been that.

It might just have been a stomach bug. I don't know. There's nothing worse than when you can taste that they've mixed up chopping boards. You had it once in Machynlleth. I was about to once in i was about to say the world's smallest best comedy festival um my lovely cherry tart or whatever the fuck it was it's a cherry bakewell thing uh tasted of uh for a while we thought beef yeah so beefy it was very umami beefy yeah it. Yeah. They chopped up a lot of garlic panini stuff, but like raw garlic all over the chopping board.

And they threw the cherry bagels on it and chopped it up. Yeah. It was so strong. It was one of the worst things I've ever tasted. Because it was like, oh, almonds, cherry, beef, garlic. But it's kind of comforting to know that cuisine has its limits. Like you go, oh, fusion has opened my eyes. You can mix all kinds of flavors and find new and exciting company.

But no, you can't put garlic in a cherry bakewell. You will throw up. Nature will not allow it. Yes, and there's like a number of flavor combos where your body will just go, no. This is disgusting disgusting you can't trick me with this you fucker yeah this isn't chilies and honey this is something else can we think of an example of every taste combination salty and sweet plenty yeah caramel loads uh salty and bitter yes yes um the salt like a chard saltard. Salt and vinegar and lemon on fish and stuff.

What's bitter? It would be like a burnt end or something. Yeah, that's like salt beef and stuff. Like the bitterness of the char. That's quite nice. Chinese love bitter gourd as well, which I think is disgusting. Salty and sour yeah classic the way we've just been talking about yeah salty and sour uh sour and sweet and sour yes please sweet and sour but i think it's got to be the actual foods where you just go no no like like

well like in eastern europe Sweet and bitter dark chocolate. Sour and bitter. Just awful. Pickled lemons. Yeah, just right. That's the least popular of the combos. It's the most extreme. Maybe that's what the,

it's the most chemical. Maybe that's it. Because like, maybe it has to come down to individual things because there's all those like Eastern European fruit juices and drinks and cans that you sometimes get in shops in london where they have such and such and mint apple and mint yeah so it's like apple juice with mint i don't like it in general but i remember once having it and going ah delicious because your mouth goes ah apple juice oh refreshing like cool, refreshing, like cool and minty.

And there's somewhere like Russia, I swear I've talked about this before, like Russia or Belarus or somewhere where the medical herb isn't mint, it's like dill or something. It's something else. Oh, like the toothpaste is like dill. Yes. Dill toothpaste. I don't know if it's dill, but it's one of the green ones that we would use for food.

Parsley or something. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It's not mint. Other countries are not okay. I know we like to think, oh, yes, the world is one and all cultures are valuable. I'm going to search other flavors of toothpaste. Here's a question.

Why don't we like hot water with brushing our teeth? Oh, this is a quiz? I don't know the answer. Oh, okay. Yes. I guess hot doesn't feel clean Or they have hot shower We clean with hot all the other times That's true

Why Why Why is it so awful to have a hot To have a hot brush Oh I think it's basil Not dill Basil toothpaste My favourite character from Fallen Tower A hot brush. Oh, I think it's Basil, not Dill. Basil. Basil Toothpaste.

My favorite character from Fallen Tower. Basil Toothpaste? No, Basil Toothpaste is one of the comedy characters from the 30s that hung out with all those jazz musicians we keep talking about. Oh, listeners, I managed to get Frank Skinner slightly into the game of jazz names. Yeah, you told us. Did I say it already? Yeah. Mini Ruins.

Mini Ruins. There's a new one. We've not had Mini Ruins. That's very good. Mini Ruins. Mini Ruins. Let me find them. She has a beautiful voice.

Mini Ruins. She always had time for the troops. The darling of New Orleans. Mini Ruins. Yoga Laptops. Yoga Laptops. Yeah, Yoga Laptops. Always had time for the troops The darling of New Orleans Mini ruins Yoga laptops Yoga laptops Before their time yoga laptops People weren't ready for the sitar Ah yes

And the garage band And the garage band Rich botanicals That's lovely Very sweet smelling Rusty Colors And of course Steve Eagles Steve Eagles

That's more of a rock name I think Steve Eagles yes He was too frenetic He's the one who went electric First yeah he was the first one to go electric The electric trumpet And you know what he crashed and burned And people didn't go electric in the guitar

for even longer. People said, you know what? Remember Steve Eagles. Every time you look at that plug socket, you just remember Steve Eagles. And electrocuting himself on his mouthpiece. It was all metal. Why didn't we see that coming? He'd only have been safe. It was entirely metal. The irony is

if he'd been playing the electric saxophone, the wooden reed would have saved him. Tragic. God. RIP Steve Eagles. What would be the worst flavor of toothpaste? Beef? I don't mind beef.

Beef toothpaste? I don't like beef toothpaste. That would be bad. Any kind of gravy taste. That sounds fine to me. Because you like it anyway. Because you like it. Cheese, maybe? I think cheese that would be horrible that sounds fine to me because you like it anyway because you like it you like

cheese maybe I think cheese toothpaste would be bad like Stilton toothpaste fish fish toothpaste fish would be the worst

like mussels mussel moule marinier toothpaste yeah seafood toothpaste Mushroom toothpaste would be quite bad Mushroom, some mushroom flavour is quite subtle

If it was like really like mushroom soup flavour That would be gross Like shiitake, yeah, like deep mushroomy goodness What would be the least Yeah, sweet, I remember my sister As a child we had bubblegum flavoured Toothpaste for a while and it made me car sick. Yeah, it's gross.

Just standing in the bathroom, it made me feel car sick. Bubblegum flavor as a flavor is a con. Yeah, bubblegum isn't a plant. Oh, hi. Marshmallow's a plant. What? Marshmallow is a plant. I'm sorry, everyone.

Pierre's gone mad. This is the end of Bud Pod. do you mean the marshmallows are fine? Is that why they're always on the sticks? They've been freshly harvested They've been plucked That's from the marshmallow bush Very spiky I'm going to find you a picture of marshmallow It's made of beef gelatin a marshmallow bush. Very spiky.

I'm going to find you a picture of marshmallow. It's made of beef gelatin marshmallows. Yeah, but the weird faint taste. Marshmallow plant. I'm showing Phil a picture of it right now. Yeah, it's a cute little flower. That's the flavouring of marshmallow. As far as I'm aware.

So if you ever see... I guess it's a marsh in guess it's got marsh in it A marshmallow Is that the flavouring? It's gotta be What's the marshmallows are flavoured with a marshmallow plant? I smell bullshit A confection made from the roots

Since ancient Egyptian times Has evolved into today's marshmallow treat What? An oddly glib Wikipedia entry Most modern marshmallow treats No longer contain any marshmallow root into today's marshmallow treat. What? An oddly glib Wikipedia entry. Most modern marshmallow treats no longer contain any marshmallow root. Well, well, well. But why keep the name?

I smell Epstein's fingers behind this, listener. And you know where they've been. You know where they've been. Absolutely everywhere. Ring letters. Keep the coolest un-pubbed buzz. Phone with alligators. Toilets.

Your sister. Keep it straight. Five. To clean the un-pubbed. Ring letters. Correspondence Correspondence I love the correspondence jingle It's good, it's yelling, but it's fun We're very behind on correspondence listeners Sorry folks, we've been a little distracted by Tat We've been so distracted by The mountains of tat i thought uh this tat thing's not gonna last we're gonna people there's only like five tats for tat phrases but people keep coming up with

new tat phrases so many but anyway we're not talking about tat today so correspondence um steph gets in touch hi steph are you our new bff Hi Steph Our new BFF That was so good Piers dying Don't breathe spit Steph says Hi P-Buddy, Steph here, sorry this is a long email I absolutely love the podcast Thank you very much for making my tedious morning commute more bearable

With all the poo jokes Pierre makes them sound more highbrow with his smooth velvety voice i get so many compliments for his voice i'd like a compliment for my voice please what do i have to do christ almighty i think i think maybe this is the same thing that how it came up on twitter i don't know because this is this email is from a while ago okay um anyway uh there's been a lot of love for phil in the correspondence you've received so far and quite right too as he's a delightful boy but i'm just going to state for the record now that i'm a pierre girl hashtag team pierre well there wasn't a fight before but there is one now um i have an iron curtain has descended on bud pot um i have an okay thank you story that i promise I haven't made up. It caused me immense embarrassment at work and it's all your fault.

Great. I work for a really small charity and we work very closely with the local citizens advice bureau. You may be aware that the CAB are celebrating their 80th anniversary this year. Aware? Yeah. I've picked out a suit. What to buy them though? What to buy?

What to wear? What What to buy What to wear What to wear What do you get What do you get the institution that has advice For everyone What do you get the advice bureau that has everything Yeah I was asked to provide

They were having a party in the building to mark the occasion And I was asked to provide the music Because I'm the only person they know with Spotify Premium. I was meant to test the sound system way before the party guests started to arrive, but I had been in and out of meetings across town all day, so I arrived at the party slightly late. There were a few distinguished guests milling around, probably about 40 people, including important local councillors,

plus the mayor and mayoress. Ooh, what? The mayor and mayoress plus the mayor and mayoress. Ooh, what? The mayor and mayoress? The mayor and mayoress were there. Is the mayoress the mayor's wife, or do they have a man mayor and a woman mayor? I don't know. Hmm. Well, anyway. Mysterious. The CAB

big boss gestured over to the PA system with visible urgency. Go, go, go, we need music, go, go, go, oh please, you've got Spotify premium. We need music. We need music. Go, go, go. Oh, please. You've got Spotify Premium. The atmosphere was rather flat without my mediocre at best DJing. I decided a Northern Soul playlist would suit the occasion

as a lot of my colleagues are Wigan Pier veterans. Oh. So we're up north, apparently. Fuel's up north. Fuel's up north. North sounds like the sort of place we'd have a mayoress and a mayor.

We'll just have to chill, Pierre. Now, as I had been running around all day, I had been listening to Budpod in between meetings. I still don't know how I managed this, but as I pressed play on the Northern Soft playlist, instead of delighting everyone with Do I Love You, Pierre's lovely voice bellowed out of the speakers at top volume, talking in detail about enemas.

Ah, great. Yes, you love to hear it Alright everyone let's get this party started The thing about enemas is They go right up your ass That's my favourite thing about enemas And then the water flies out your asshole And it's got lumps of shit in it

Because enemas are for shit in your bum Happy birthday citizens advice bureau I was so shocked that I froze Fumbling with my phone to try and exit the app altogether By this time everyone had turned around to see me freaking out I finally managed to turn it off and it was probably only a few seconds but your

bum bum talk had cut through the silence of the large echoey room like a pooey knife alarming almost everyone present the CAB big boss was now stood next to me and I calmly pressed play on the Northern Soul Classics playlist He said, okay, thank you And walked off

Even though I was bright red with embarrassment I was just grateful it wasn't cum or wanking That had graced the guests that day Yeah, yeah Yeah, you're really spinning the roulette wheel of Fluids Fluids Fluid roulette wheel

One last thing I've got a weird normal thing that really pisses me off Wheel of... Fluids. Fluids. Fluid roulette wheel. Put it on a pot pot. One last thing. I've got a weird normal thing that really pisses me off. There is officially no 13th aisle on a plane. Oh, is there not? Apparently not. Firstly, superstitions such as this is ridiculous, and I can't believe people are still scared of an arbitrary number.

It has absolutely no power. Secondly, just because you label something as 14 doesn't mean we all forget how to count. It is the 13th aisle, whether you like it or not. I also recently learned that aisle 17 is also missing, as the Roman numerals XVII is an anagram

of VIXI, which roughly means my life is over in Latin. Really? Is that true? Have I never sat in 17? And people in the 21st century Are okay with this Give me strength

Thanks for reading Love you both Sincerely Jackingit Steph Oh you mustn't lie about Jackingit Thanks Steph I'm going to have to keep an eye out For rows 13 and 17 next time

Mmm Yes Weirdly Steph sent that email Before we did the last part About talking about numbers They're both primes We hate primes. We like to be able to chop things up, don't we?

Who do they think they are? We like to be able to chop things up, humans, don't we? That's going to be my documentary voice. Yeah, it's very good. I'm on a journey to find out why we don't like things we can't chop. I'll be using knives, bigger knives, blades, swords,

claymores, and other choppers. Absolute choppers. I'll be chopping up the length and breadth of half a head Britain. Britain has always chopped. But what happens when the chopping stops? Can we stop the chop? Are we stopping chopping? What a strange program.

But can you chop a mountain? I went to find out why But can you Can you chop a mountain? I went to find out why Just questions that don't track But where are mountains chopped? I went to find out what

It makes your brain go. It's like when a jigsaw piece doesn't fit. So you just go. Bump. Here's a good. Here's a good email. Oh, yeah. It's from Becky.

Becky. Becky G. Becky G. G whiz We're happy to hear from you Hi team hope you're well I recently got dumped by a man Who looked the spitting image of Sue Perkins There's a lot of guys who look like that

I've been told I look a bit like Sue Perkins Really? I think it's just if you have glasses and dark hair Yeah that's the basic That's what they're saying That's a starter pack isn't it That's a Perkins starter pack It's more interesting for them to say Phil you look you look a bit like Sue Perkins, than for

them to go, hello, Phil, you have glasses and dark hair. I suppose. We were in a long distance relationship since now I live in Geneva, and he couldn't handle the distance. I didn't know he looked like Sue Perkins until a friend pointed it out to make me feel better. Do you have any advice on how to get over the breakup? Love the pod. to make me feel better.

Do you have any advice on how to get over the breakup? Love the pod. It's mine and Natalie's favorite. Natalie is the I fucked a dog job interview. Ah, Natalie is, of course. Yes, so they're friends.

Kind regards, Becky. Well, I met, the night I met Natalie on the tube, she was with another gal. Maybe it was Becky. Maybe that was Becky G. It was now moved. Becky G.

Becky Geneva. Becky Geneva. Sorry to hear about the breakup. It happens. It was an hour move. Becky G. Becky Geneva. Becky Geneva. Sorry to hear about the breakup. It happens. It was the right thing to do. Long distance. And I've done long distance a couple of times. And never.

It doesn't work. It don't work. The thing is, we like to believe ourselves so unique that there are only, well, there is only one person out there for us. But the truth is, there are only well there is only one person out there for us but the truth is there are millions there are hundreds of thousands at least of people out there that would suit you down to the ground

so don't worry about it also long distance if it's really long it's just hard and like some people have made it but if there's so few and they have to be so determined yeah yeah you have to like have a kid together already or own significant property at least yes there's got to be some level of connection or like you've been oh yeah it, it's so hard. I say, see it as an opportunity, Becky.

You're single, you're in Geneva, the city of sex. Why not tuck in? Dig into that sweet, sweet Swiss cheese. Dive into the holy, holy cheese. Come out with a new watch around your wrist. They call it Fucktown. Fucktown, USA. Fucktown, USA.

That's what they call Geneva. Go fuck Kofi Annan. Head down to the CERN lab. Go to CERN and fuck a particle. Yeah. Go collide particles with a particle collider. See if they can accelerate your love life. Oh, something about black

holes. Yeah, sorry to hear that Do I have any tips It's going to hurt Okay Becky But you gotta let it hurt It's just about Time

Maybe if you get inside You gotta allow yourself the pain Maybe if you get inside the particle collider They can make you go so quickly that time Speeds up Time would slow down Oh no don't get inside the particle collider, they can make you go so quickly that time speeds up? Time would slow down. Oh, no. Don't get in the particle collider.

It'll take longer to get over it. It'll take longer. But you might turn into Dr. Manhattan. At what point you will bore of love. Yes. You'll be tired of getting caught in the tangle of their lives. And you'll go to Mars. I live in a glass palace.

By the way, the new Watchmen series is very good I've heard it's really good It's excellent I'm going to start watching it instead of writing my own creative output Highly recommend it to anyone who has No TV or any access to HBO One last Sorry to promote the Murdoch press but

Watchmen is good Taking the shilling of the Lauren gets in touch. Lauren, Lauren. Is she foreign? Her last name looks pretty foreign. Well, gotcha. But what is foreign these days?

It's from elsewhere. From over there. From not this shire. Not here. Dear Novelli Prize and Phil's Medal. Novelli Prize and Phil's Medal. It's good, isn't it? What is it? Field's Medal. Noveli Prize and Phil's Medal. It's good, isn't it? What is it?

Field's Medal. Oh, I see. And the Nobel Prize. Noveli Prize. The Nobel Prize. I guess so, yeah. Very good. I've been plowing through Bud Potter Pace as a combination of joblessness and varying levels of depression gives me a lot of free time.

Oh, it certainly helps get through the box sets, a bit of depression. Sorry for mentioning mental health, Phil. What, have I? She knows you're against mental health. Well, it's not mental health. It's mental illness. Oh, true. This is what annoys...

I get frustrated sometimes people say, I have mental health. Yes, that's super annoying. It's not true. I'm suffering from mental health. What? We all have mental health. You have mental illness.

It's like saying, I'm suffering from arm. What? I cut my finger. Yeah. Oh. Oh. You broke your arm. Yes, I have really bad arm. What? I cut my finger. Yeah. Oh. You broke your arm. Yes, I have a really bad arm. My arm at the moment, his arm.

Yes, it is annoying. By the way, sorry to hear that you have had bouts of depression. Sorry, Lauren. Yes, but it does help to get through things. It does. But not to really enjoy them. But it has to be a task that can be done sitting down, because when you're depressed, you're not going to start cleaning your house, are you? No, unless it's to avoid something even more pressing.

That's true. I do a lot of ironing and dishes. Well, yeah. Yeah. When I'm depressed. I do a lot of reading, I think. Hmm. Anyway, she says, last night I managed to get up about

5pm. Classic. Oh. Depressor clock. It's depressor clock at 5pm. I managed to go meet a friend at the pub. Yes, that's actually pretty good going. That's nice. You're getting out. That's good work. I got home and tucked myself into bed pod. Why is that so funny?

I'm going to bed pod That's so funny Time to go to bed pod I'm going to go listen to Bud Pod In bed pod Or in bath pod Got into bed pod When I realised that I was not ready for the night to end

And I wanted some wine and snacks And to listen to some Bud Pod I popped to the local shop, which while not my usual shop, I'd been in three or four times and so I recognized the smiley man behind the counter as a friendly and professional type. This is perhaps unnecessary background, but I like to paint a picture. Also this and the

pint and a half of tasty stout in my belly hopefully explain how I saw fit to proceed in the following exchange. I plonked down my crisps, chocolate chunk, shortbread, and highest proportionate price reduction wine. The cashier asked how my day had been. I said, oh, it's a bit of a slow day,

but I asked how his was because I'm both honest and kind. Him, oh, it's been all right. Sorry to hear you had a slow day. Me, it's fine, but looking back, I feel I could have achieved more. Him, unnerved by bleak honesty. Oh, no. He said, oh, no. He said, oh, no. He said, oh, no.

Me, getting into my stride. Yeah, I'm getting to the point where I can make that same statement about my entire life. Him, oh, God. Well, I'm 24 and I'm getting that way too. Me, well, I've got four years on you and it only gets worse. Broad smile. Him, oh, no. Oh, okay okay thank you.

I like to think this was not just his training kicking in but also genuine thanks for my wisdom. It was my first okay thank you since listening so I thought I would share. Apologies if this was wrong. It was not wrong. That's your depressed brain thinking it was wrong. This was great. Koji Berries. Lauren.

That's very good Lauren. That's really funny. Bed pod is really funny. I think it's just how it kind of came out of nowhere.uren that's really funny bed pod is really funny i think it's just how it kind of came out of nowhere yeah i got into bed pod uh phil uh phil please note i object to any abbreviation of my name but if it helps my dad is foreign and i've never worn a sporen yeah so i went i went with foreign didn't i yeah yeah she got she got you there boy sporen sporen would have been a little more interesting i think lauren foreign sporen barren got glowering lauren where's this barren p.s you may not be able to read this out without

derailing the gravy train but did you know that at least for my demographic your adverts often include one for a film or a tv show or a podcast uh involving a busy city lady who finds herself by training for a marathon oh shit i saw trailers for that movie oh they're all over the tube it's like um linda's first marathon does a marathon or something it looks awful uh she says it's so unbelievably cliched and trite that i cannot believe it is real. Yeah, it's like Boss Baby. It's like one of those movies that looks like it was a joke in 30 Rock. Rather than one of your fictional ads, it works perfectly in either of your voices with occasional corpsing. It mentions thrilling concepts such as the friend she makes along the way.

And I wouldn't be surprised if the marathon were inside her all along. I highly recommend it. Listen. Great email. Yeah, thanks, man. Being depressed makes people funny. I don't think... I had a spell of depression that made me excellent at stand-up.

Yeah. Every spell since has just made me absolutely useless. It's like a hangover. You do a gig on a hangover and it can make you a superhero. Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's a one in five chance. It's like...

It's Hulk rules. There's a one in five chance it's like it's it's it's hulk rules there's a one in five chance it makes you hulk out into being great and then there's a four in five chance it just you die of radiation sure yeah anyway thanks for listening everyone um yes thanks so much for listening um i hope you have a nice week that's the bud pod for this week um i think we might have to do another correspondent special just to just make a dent in this these these emails deserve our attention yeah they deserve hearing all right well maybe next time then maybe next time all right bye