BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 41 - Correspondents' Christmas Dinner!

Episode Date: December 11, 2019

Correspondents’ Christmas Dinner! A very high yuletide standard! Lots of founding farters too. Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie touch upon local museums, shiny glass pebbles, The Order of The Brown Cloth, our second ever Dangerous Handshake, Tin Foil Anus, Dick Amulets and the Poo Blenders, Icelandic law and a kinky stinky story, another Budpod BudBaby story and, to close, a lovely hotdog from an oversized two-year-old son. Please subscribe and rate us five stars on iTunes! Get in touch @thebudpod on twitter or [e-mail]!  Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

41 Correspondence Special It's a correspondence dinner everybody It's a correspondence Christmas dinner Of course Of course it is Smack those champagne flutes with your teaspoons and make an embarrassing speech It's a Christmas correspondence dinner

Set that pudding on fire to make it taste like fire and burning Throw it straight in the bin, it's over now You've seen the pudding, you don't get it, you see it You see it, you look at it and go ha ha ha ha ha ha imagine if food was on fire imagine if all food tastes like burnt uh berries which is basically the flavor isn't it burnt berries and alcohol yeah i used to hate christmas pudding now i quite like it do you interesting i like the accoutrement i like the fire i like the the brandy pudding yes like the fire I like the brandy pudding

Yes, little leaves on top Brandy butter The little mistletoe Is a mistletoe on top? Because you kiss the pudding with your teeth Brandy butter Another Very sexy jazz person

She was a real siren of the 30s Wasn't she, Brandy Butter? Brandy Butter, my god People were very turned on by her full ankle Yes, we have a lot of backed up We have a backed up log We do

And we're going to spew them out now We're going to spew them out right now We all remember Lauren from last Pod Oh last week's Lauren Lauren Lauren Wearing a sporin There we go I remember that from last week

That was her own suggestion Hey PP Arnold PP Arnold Who's PP Arnold Is that a shop Listening to episode 33 I really identified with Pierre's wistful description P.P. Arnold? P.P. Arnold? Who's P.P. Arnold? Is that a shop? I don't know. Listening to episode 33, I really identified with Pierre's wistful description of the glassy, sweetie, fish tank pebbles.

Oh, yeah. I grew up in North Devon near a glass factory called Darling... Dartington Crystal. Dartington. Dartington. Which, along with its factory shop, became a stalwart school trip and family excursion. When you're a kid and you live anywhere, whatever's there, you're going to see it a lot. Yeah, sounds like.

If you live somewhere that's not a city, it's like we're going to the fucking folk museum again. And we're all going to like it. Did you have that in Malaysia? Local museums? Yeah, in Gothic in Abalalu, the Saba Museum, which Saba's a state, and there was a big museum. And they had like a longhouse in the grounds of the museum. So it was like on top of a hill, this museum.

Like a traditional house? Yeah, like a traditional longhouse. There were artifacts. There was a little pond. And we'd make our uncle drive us there every Friday. Every Friday. He'd say, now drive us to the Saba Museum. I don't know why.

We were obsessed with going there. You actually wanted to go there. We wanted to go there. Every Friday. All I remember from it is the Longhouse and a body of water. That's all I remember. But we went there every week. Why? I don't know. It just felt like

the place to be. That's so odd. Really weird. Fair enough. 18 years old I was. So she says, in the shop they had a pick and mix style arrangement of marbles and pebbles in self-serve plastic

buckets. What? They piled up. How? Like in those sort of Perspex boxes lining the wall. Must have been, yeah. Big buckets. They piled up and clacked over each other if you moved one and glistened and dear God, it was the most unbelievably sensual

experience of my young life. Lovely description there. Yeah. Clacking and smooth and shiny and the light goes through them oh mate some marbles had flecks on the outside so they weren't smooth and some pebbles were opalescent all were magnificent i still have some to this day in a little bowl i've no use for them but i touch them occasionally and it is nice also phil is the is the only person other than my Sri Lankan family who I regularly hear reply to statements that don't contain X is with is it to express surprise or interest.

Is it? E.g. we're going to the shop. Is it? You say that too sometimes. You've got that from me, I think, haven't you? No, Malaysians say it. It's a colonial thing, I think. It's a South African thing too.

Yeah, Malaysians say is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Yeah. Yeah, it's a very South African thing. I think it must be. And if it's Sri Lankan as well, it must be colonial.

She says, I assume it's an Asian or a colonial English thing. Yeah. But then English people don't say it outside of Essex. It's quite an Essex thing. Is it? Right. Maybe that's where we get it from. We got it from all the...

The mastery. We got it from the blue collar English sent abroad. Hmm. Maybe. Well, it's interesting where all these phrases come from. Like in Malay, there's the word gostan, which means to back up, which is from go astern.

Which is not exactly a working-class phrase. Well, I guess it would have been if you were a sailing boy. So, I find it oddly soothing She says, like plunging a hand into a bucket of cool Cool marbles Which I don't actually recommend since they're quite heavy

Jack at your leisure, Lauren Yeah, that's lovely, Lauren This sounds like a real Willy Wonka Of an edible sweet I'd spend a lot of money If I was a kid I'd just, in a bath I'd just, in a bath.

In the bath. I'd just roll around. But they'd get in your bum hole. I'd get clack all over my bum. Clack, clack. Oh, wow. You'd come out like Scrooge McDuck, just spitting all these marbles. And they're all colorful, and your brain, it's like your monkey brain just goes, eat them, they're berries.

Yeah, that's what it is. Your monkey brain goes, eat them, they're berries, and. Your monkey brain goes, eat them, they're berries. And your treasure brain goes, it's treasure, it's treasure, it's treasure. And your child brain goes, throw them, throw them. It's all there. Thank you, Lauren. Thank you, Lauren. Keep us updated with what factory outlet stores you go to next.

Please do. Emails, emails, emails. We have so many emails. I mean, that sounds a lot like Chong Fu's Crystal Warehouse, doesn't it? It does. The real deal. Chong Fu.

I don't know if you listeners remember Chong Fu's Crystal Warehouse. It's in the middle of England somewhere. It's a one-stop shop. Yeah, for all your crystal needs. And this sounds like it. It turns out Chong Fu's Crystal Warehouse was in Devon. It was in Devon of England somewhere. It was a one-stop shop. Yeah, for all your crystal needs. And this sounds like it. Turns out Chung Fu's Crystal Warehouse was in Devon. It was in Devon all along.

Yeah. Which is not far from Glastonbury. It's exactly where it would be. Isn't Glastonbury in Devon? It's in Somerset? Is it? I think so. You're from that part of the world, kind of.

Yeah, yeah. Come on, Phil. Yeah, it's always nearby. But I always get mixed up Somerset, Wiltshire, Devon. It all kind of squ Yeah. Come on, Phil. Yeah, it's always nearby. But I always get mixed up with Somerset Wiltshire Devon. It all kind of squishes into one side of the remess. One big old hippie lump on the western

edges of a fair isle. Liam gets in touch. Liam! Who's gotten in touch before. He says, hello, Bud Plops. Thank you so much for sharing my Dr. Duck experience. Dr. Duck! Very odd, Dr. Duck.

You've provided me with confirmation that their duck-dangling antics were indeed not normal. I have more incidents to share, this time from the Order of the Brown Cloth. Yes, a poo story. The Order of the Brown Cloth. Should we start a series of medals? Should we become a bit like a kind of demi-fascist organisation

with lots of medals and prizes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Order of the Browncloth. Yeah, yeah. We'll have a ceremony every Christmas. Yes, and Phil, you'll have to keep one hand behind your back to hide the injury from when people tried to kill you with a bomb and a suitcase. What's that about?

Hitler. Do you know the last time that the last footage of hitler alive is him giving medals to like a bunch of fucking eight-year-olds in berlin outside the bunker yeah and he always has one hand behind his back because it's the hand that's going shaking loads because he was really ill oh right anyway and it was it was his what is his some of his uh lieutenants I wanted to try to kill Operation Valkyrie Tom Cruise The suitcase blew up

But it was under the table So I didn't get him properly Put it on top of the table guys Make him sleep on it Anyway, Liam gets in touch Yes a poo story What follows is shocking but true When it comes to pooing at work

I'm firmly in the They're literally paying me to plop camp As a result As a result A short while into any job A routine naturally forms As my eating habits find harmony with my workload This time is my time

My special time The time when I get peace from the outside world To squeeze a couple of otters down the pipe and out to watery freedom. Lovely. And into surfers' mouths. Yes, into surfers' mouths and make them sick. At my last job, the first brown of the day... The first brown of the day commenced at 11am. A brown consisting of last night's dinner hurried into the world by digestion of a late breakfast.

Hurried into the world. Awful poetry. Like a premature baby. Quick, quick, quick. The office I worked in was in a building that housed many companies. Each floor was a long, straight corridor with many office doors leading off of it. The corridor featured at the middle a saloon-style door. And at the end were the toilets.

My very opinion picture. This meant that the walk to the toilets was a long one featuring two notable hazards. The first being whenever anyone reached the middle door before you, rather than simply walking through it and leaving you to do the same, they would hold it open for you. No matter, no matter how far away you were from the door. A horrific act of social barbarism which on the face of it made them look wonderful and you ungrateful as your walk was forced into a half walk, half jog as you bowed and made grateful

cow eyes at them. There is a cut-off point though, of distance, where to hold the door for someone looks fucking mental. Yes, and it hold the door for someone looks fucking mental yes and it's it's it's the door equivalent of writing an enormous thank you note to someone for looking you in the eye is it an act of courtesy on paper yes but it's it mad yeah it's it's inappropriate it's um you've you've creeped everyone out so much more than not doing nothing yeah so we agree with you

there uh The second hazard was that the corridor's most frequent use was for loo traffic. Because, of course, each door onto the corridor is a company. There's no need to move between rooms, because it's a different business. Does that make sense? It was common practice to clear the air pockets around your butt luggage

as you made your way to the toilet. What? I think it means farting. So everyone's going into the shared corridor. Oh, I see. Everyone's going into the shared corridor and ejecting. So butt luggage is the poop and you're trying to get rid of it? Air pockets from around it. Horrible.

It is horrible, but it's vivid. It's very good. It is very good. Someone's been doing an adult literary writing class. This gave the air a permanent heavy musk. A wind tunnel. Not always an unpleasant smell.

The hall of stinks. A pungent mix of airborne eating habits. It is in this environment that my trauma begins. It's 10 to 11 a.m. Morning work is dealt with. It's time to go. I get out of the office space without any colleagues stopping me for a chat. Immediately upon entering the long corridor, damp with the smell of bottom puffs.

Gross. Gross. I spot an unknown worker heading toward me from the opposite end. There is a chance I can beat them to the doors. Or at least get there at the same time. I quicken my step. This is difficult because I'm aware I'm packing quite a pipeful. Liam's poo vocabulary, I think, eclipses even ours.

Liam, your vocabulary? Poo-, I think, eclipses even ours. Liam, your vocabulary? Poo-cabulary? Plepsicon. Yeah, plopsicon. There's nothing. Lexapoos. Anyway, well done, is what we're saying. Your stinctionary.

Stinctionary. That's good. Yeah, that's close. Stinctionary. That's good. Yeah, that's close. Anyway, I quicken my step, and this is difficult because I'm aware I'm packing quite a pipeful, and a fart may quickly skip into a shot. There is also a concern on my mind

regarding both the pressure and volume that makes me nervous to give any ground to the crack gas. I think what he means there is like, he can feel that it's a serious a serious matter yeah it's not casual i'm now almost at the door i'm going to beat them there i'm going to be polite i will open it for them i reach for the door disaster i have misjudged it i am lunging my gate is wide and the pressure is great. No! So as he's lunged his leg forwards to go,

oh, I'll get the door, he's gone. He's opened his ass crack. It's like a Greek tragedy. Furthermore, they've made a last-minute dart that I haven't seen. So, like, from the other side of the cowboy doors. They are opening the door towards me as my hand is up in the air, grasping. As my eyes move from the handle I was reaching for up to their face, our gazes meet.

I feel my weight shifting from the back foot to the front. Forwards. And I let out what can only be described as a heaving great back clap. While maintaining Eye contact As you're reaching for a door that isn't there anymore Because they've opened it for you And you're right leaning in their face You know when a fencer lunges?

Blam! Blap! Blap! It is loud Akin to the smacking shut of a heavy fire door. They stop, reluctant to advance. I continue moving. I continue moving, eager to end the encounter before the true horror can be realized by either party.

The haste escalates the situation as I forget a fundamental principle of ripping while skipping. Backdraft. The momentum carries a torrent of guff through the door and envelops the stunned worker. I remain in the toilets for 15 minutes, face palming and muttering, Oh God, forgive me. Liam. That's very well written. Beautiful. That's like a salinger beautiful i felt like i was

there in the fart corridor yeah and and to leave us on the toilet as well in the story to leave the reader on the toilet with him it cuts in the cubicle yeah yeah lovely also quite nice like from a from a textual analysis point of view a a fart corridor is itself like an arse. And these workers are the poos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a greater metaphor at work here. It's all about cues. It's all about...

It's about cues and air. There's a lot going on. And restricted passage. Yeah, great. Great story, Liam. Thank you so much. Well done. Thank you.

I mean, disgusting. Disgusting. Really gross. But elevated to Liam. Thank you so much. Well done. Thank you. I mean, disgusting. Disgusting. Really gross. But elevated to a high art. Very nice. Dev has gotten in touch for Liam. Dev. Our good friend Dev.

Always up for a Bev. Dash on Twitter. Dash. Hey, P-Buds. A colleague was telling me about an industry awards ceremony he went to, something to do with TV, that was hosted by none other than Phil Wang. Oh, yeah. That was recent.

That was a really fun show. Well, awards show. Was it good? Yeah, it was good. It was great, actually. Good bunch of people. They were incredibly complimentary, but their lack of reference to pooing, being a pilot, or that really hurt thing got me

suspicious that there is, in fact, another Phil Wang on the circuit. Anyway, I've got a poo story that I need to tell you, and you need to be my agony aunts, he says. Okay. Pooing is agony. Huh? Pooing is agony. Pooing is agony.

And poetry. And life! And 80% of disease. A few years ago, I was working as the bartender in a nightclub, the Purple Turtle in Oxford, if you must know. Ooh, dev. Purple Turtle. After shifts, it was customary for staff to have a drink or two. Despite not feeling too well that week,

I thought I'd treat myself to a couple of 4 a.m. pints before my cycle home. Working a shit minimum wage job, you need to take all the perks you can get. Yes, absolutely. A lot of gigs you get paid in beer. Yeah. Did you ever do that? Maybe once or twice. Yeah, dangerous. Dangerous.

After finishing up, I went outside to unlock my bike, only to find that the wheels had been stolen. Mad. Nothing you need. Rather than leave my bike frame there, I thought I'm going to carry it the mile and a half back home in the rain. Oh no. Midway through my walk back, I realized I'd made a fatal error. As I approached the Maudlin

Road Bridge, I started to feel something in my stomach. I was about to shit myself. And dash. Looking around desperately for somewhere to go, I was presented with four options. This is spoken exactly like a man of dashes of Dev's temperament. Yes. Very logical.

Measured. Measured. Number one, shit myself and just carry on with it. Yeah, that is a choice. Not ideal. Number two, shit in plain view of everyone on the street. Well, I'd take a stance down the street. Yeah.

Like a real alpha move. show domination or whatever it is dominance three perch my ass off the edge of the bridge and shit in the river that's yeah old school medieval four try and break into somewhere more private and go there following a rush of blood to the head and a rush of poo to the bum, I dropped my bike frame and climbed over the first fence I could into what I thought was someone's garden. In a way, it was. It was the Oxford Botanical Gardens. Oh, great.

Left with few other options and the feeling in my bowels intensifying, I dropped my trousers and went on top of a very well-manicured bush. No. You're pooing on science. Oh, my days. I hope it's not like a delicate bush from foreign climes. It's the last of its kind. The one thing it's allergic to is a huge log.

It's gone now forever. It's extinct. No more of that. No more of that. Thankfully, being in the botanical garden, there was no shortage of options for wiping. However, not being used to wiping with a leaf, I was slightly overzealous and my finger burst through After getting as much of my poo as possible Off my finger

And looking Is this all in the rain? Yeah, in the rain at 4am With a big bike frame While ill and tired and drunk Is this all in the rain? Yeah, in the rain at 4am with a big bike frame. While ill and tired and drunk. Oh God, what a nightmare. And while looking to put the entire ordeal behind me, I wandered off into the night.

Unfortunately, a friend on their way back to college from a house party saw me just as I climbed back over the fence and came over to say hi. Rather than just say hi though, he went in for a handshake. Oh, God, I've been there before. Yeah. But with cum. On this pod. Yeah. On this pod, the cummy handshake.

I was trapped. I couldn't say no to the shake, otherwise it would be clear that something was up. So I bit the bullet and shook his hand with my shitty one. I'm not proud of it, and to this day I've still never told him. Should I come clean or let bygones be bygones what do you think uh well he the friend's obviously fine he didn't get sick yeah i'd say um what he don't know can't hurt him yeah yeah unless he'd find it really funny yeah if you find it funny then tell him. And if he doesn't find it funny at this point, that would be unreasonable. Yeah, that would be unreasonable.

And if he runs to the sink now to wash his hand. He's insane. Also, don't tell him apropos of nothing. It would be quite an odd thing to suddenly tell him, as if you'd been desperately holding back on it for years. I think arrange a meet-up just to tell him. Say, can we get a coffee sometime there's something in candlelit dinner yeah yes that's funny and right at the end after a big

laugh about something now james um i didn't call you here today just to laugh with you much as i do enjoy your company i got my poo in your hand. What, recently? No, years and years ago. So he says, lastly, I think it might have... How accepting is James of the premise? I got poo in your hand. What, recently?

What, now? Straight away understands what he's talking about. Thinks it's a Darren Brown trick. He's looking at his hands. I got poo in your hand. What, recently? What, recently? Straight away. As if he knows his hands. I got poo in your hands. What? Recently. What? Recently? Straight away.

As if he knows the answer. Oh, recently? No, years ago. Really? Was it after a house party by any chance? You knew. I've always known.

And then they kiss. Yeah. And then he goes, sorry. I didn't mean to kiss you. I got poo mouth. Like it happens again, but with a kiss.

Oh, for God's sake. Anyway, he says, lastly lastly i think it might have been on the fern brady episode but i remember you talking about your favorite nightclub toilet attendant catchphrases oh yeah like we were doing like parody versions of it weren't we yeah no cologne no go home with a woman yeah something like that something like that He says, here are my favourites No Paco Rabanne No Paco Rabanne Go home with your nan I like that, that's kind of fun No Hugo Boss, no cheeky toss God's sake

Hugo Boss is powerful enough To get you wanked off In a light-hearted manner, but no more. But no further than that. It's honest about the quality of person you would attract with cologne. With only cologne.

I wouldn't have wanked him off in the road, but he smelled nice. Yeah. It's actually very accurately indicative of the kind of sex you'll get. No Calvin Klein, no sexy time. Yeah, kind of classic. That's cute. No Dolce & Gabbana, no Saki Banana.

Ugh, for God's sake. You'd take all the coins out of his dish if he said that to you. Oh, that's horrid. Koji Dev. Thank you for that, Dev. Thanks, Dev. Always lovely to hear from you. And great Pooh story. Dev. Thank you for that, Dev. Thanks, Dev. Always lovely to hear from you. And great Pooh story. Didn't know you had it in you.

Here's an email filled with a hell of a subject line. Oh, yeah? It attracted my attention almost immediately. Have you won something? My friend Jeremy and his bumhole. That's what it says. And it's not a message from Labor. Ah, lovely. Oh, these days. It's what it says. And it's not a message from Labour. Ah, lovely.

It's from Dave. Dave says hi poo bums. Hi poo bum to you. Let's hear about Jeremy. Let me tell you about my old university friend Jeremy and his bum. Jeremy was a tall, good looking guy with an

enormous winky. Can you call it a winky if it's big? A winky has to be small. A big winky's funny, though. Because it means you're imagining it big, flaccid. Right, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, big winky. Okay. Yeah, it's soul is small. It's like, yeah, its soul is small. Its character is small. It looks like a big small dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see that. Yeah, okay. Makes sense.

A big egg. A big egg. He was also an incredibly good cricketer and played in the same uni team as I did. He had it all. Wow. Wow. Did he swat the balls away with his dick?

Yes. Yes had it all. Wow. Did he swat the balls away with his dick? Yes. Yes. DBW. Dick before wicked. Come on. Having trained for months, our cricket team was ready for the start of the season and ready for Jeremy to lead us to victory. Ten of us met up at the local cafe, had breakfast, and ordered cabs to take

us to the ground. Jeremy had not arrived. After ten minutes or so, I received a call from a distressed Jeremy saying that he could no longer play as he was injured. What have you injured, Jeremy? Jeremy explained that after completing his regular morning dirt deposit, he had no toilet paper in the house. A disaster, but not something that can result in injury. He weighed up many options

before deciding that the best option available to him but not something that can result in injury. He weighed up many options before deciding that the best option available to him was to wipe his bum hole with a nice big bit of tinfoil. Wow. A robot's wipe. How people are going to wipe in the future. It's also how very... people who are scared of aliens Is how they wipe

The CIA was controlling my b-hole Till I used tinfoil wipes A poor choice, I'm sure you'll agree It turns out that Jeremy was a scruncher of toilet paper I think people who are scrunchers are insane. I am occasional scruncher. But if it's not a smooth surface, you're not, you know. Yeah, but the hills and valleys of the scrunch get into the natural grooves of your bum hole.

Maybe, maybe. Nature is not perfect and flat yet. You need to fight fire with fire. It turns out Jeremy was a scruncher of toilet paper and on autopilot, he explained, he scrunched the tin foil and it cut his... It cut his bum hole quite severely.

Why is a tin foilil in the toilet? This is the question that no one's asking From the sewer's point of view It's like someone's trying to keep their dump fresh Remember to tinfoil wrap your arsehole So it's fresh for tomorrow Jeremy, you big idiot So he wrap your arsehole So it's fresh for tomorrow Jeremy you big idiot So he cut his arsehole open

He reached around his big winky And he slashed his own arsehole Like it had offended him In a bar fight in a cowboy film This left him unable to walk Without being in quite a bit of pain He assassinated his own anus Yeah, with sandwich freshening equipment

Really, preserving We lost the game and I've never forgiven him Or his bottom I still can't work out why he chose tinfoil Especially as he had a shower in the same bathroom He could have rinsed his bints Bints? I don't know, it sounded good

He could have rinsed his bince instead of turning it into mince. That's good. Thank you. He saved it with mince. Yeah, I mean, the fictional word bince is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. Koji, Dave. Thanks, dude. I'm going to start saying that in front of, I've knackered my bince.

Oh, my bince. My bince are acting up. All right, mess. That's a very funny story Tenfoil Yeah why in the bathroom So weird I'm imagining that guy's face

Oh maybe this And he peels off a sheet And he crunches it up No I think he did it quickly He was in a rush because he didn't have to get to the game How do you go on autopilot in such a new situation That's what I don't understand

Surely if this is the first time you're ever wiping your arsehole With tinfoil You are paying attention every moment He's in a rush He's missing the cricket team breakfast He's late He's going This Scratch breakfast He's late He's going Scratch wipe

It's like that quick Ah regret a lifetime Of regret Condolences Jeremy It just shows you can't have it all You can't have it all It's just not cricket It's just not cricket. It's just not cricket. Thank you!

Thank you! Jonathan gets in touch. Quick, before he's gone-athan. Very nice. Dear Podbud Captains. Yes, Captains of an empty ship. Of an empty ship full of poo. An empty ship covered

in poo and we're both captains. Yes, thank you. Co-captains. This email is split into two parts. The first part is a bit of fawning and flattery and not for reading on the podcast. The second part is the bit I thought you and the other listeners may find interesting and entertaining. Well, then let's just read part one. Yes, that's right.

Fuck everyone. I'm going to pause it right now to read part one. Wow, that's so nice that was so nice ponathan i'm calling you ponathan because uh katie story the great uh producer and comedy writer calls her brother jonathan ponathan and you know what it's funny it is no one knows why scientists can't tell anyway part two this is the podcast bit I recently went to the Welcome Collection To see their exhibition on being human As I'm unemployed And it felt like a cultural thing to do

Cultured thing to do I found the exhibition rather disappointing But there was one particular highlight Which instantly turned my thoughts budpodward Oh yes I wonder what part of the body this is Please see the attached photo of a blender i saw it's a blender you'll see it's a blender end of story um may i

see the blender yes it does just look like a blender um view the image yes it's loading this is good audio it looks like a blender yeah Yeah, looks like a pretty standard blender. Pretty standard blender. White base. See-through jug. See-through jug, yes. Okay, all right. Okay, where's he going with this?

You can therefore imagine my surprise and delight when I read the accompanying information plaque as to what the blender was for. Our dear friend, the humble blender, was in fact a fecal transplant kit. Ah. Allegedly, a fecal transplant is an activity. Allegedly.

So apparently, right? Right. They've tried to mug me off with this enormous poo blender. I'm no fool. Fuck you, welcome collection. Allegedly, a fecal transplant is an activity in which poo from a healthy person is swallowed or inserted into the gut to increase the variety of bacteria. It's true. It's true. It's true.

The plaque also mentions that unscreened transplants can be dangerous, potentially carrying disease. Yes. So to sum up, kids, don't eat shit unless it's safe shit. Yeah, there's good shit. There's good bacteria and bad bacteria. That's good shit. That's the good shit.

That's where it's from. That's good shit. That's the shit. That came out of the fecal transplant scene of the 50s. Yes. That's cool shit. Yes, the fecal transplant scene of the 50s. Yes. That's cool shit. Yes, the fecal transplant scene of the 50s. They had nothing else to do because they were in bed because they were so ill.

So they got really good at writing beat poetry and jazz. About the good shit. So you're always looking for the good shit to get you out of bed. That's a good shit. And that's where beatniks, you know, they click their fingers to show appreciation. That's from them going, nurse, nurse. That's from them getting the nurse's attention. It's supposed to sound like farting.

It's very slow. Bubbling. I went to a second exhibition called Medicine Man. Medicine Man. That was the first album released by Mini Ruins and Miles Scoliosis. Medicine Man. In which I found the other photos I've attached here, which made me instantly think of Bud Pod. Firstly, because you've both displayed a fascination with cultural artifacts, history, societal trends.

And secondly, because they're about dicks and butts. I mean, that is Bud Pod's own line. He's got the USP. We should save that When we're pitching things We save that for the blurb actually Yes It's better than anything

I could come up with In case it isn't clear The objects are phallic amulets Ah Phallic amulets Was on that medicine man With the mini ruins To increase fertility

And chastity implements For both men and women As someone who has Owned a penis for 24 years And counting The jagged cock ring Was especially scarring and chastity implements for both men and women. As someone who has owned a penis for 24 years, and counting, the jagged cock ring was especially scarring. They let him try it on. Which of it is jagged? On the inside

of the ring? Let's have a look at a jagged cock ring. Can a ring be jagged? A ring has to be circular. What if it's circular on the outside and jagged on the inside? That's a coin, isn't it? A coin?

That's like a weird coin. It's still a ring, though. Is it a ring? Because it's not, like, solid. Does the hole in a ring not have to be round? Oh, wow, yeah. Look, spiky. Spiky boner stoppers.

So it is like a ring with how would you describe it with a wall on the inside on the curved spikes yeah the internal the internal side yes of the ring it's got spikes for stopping burners is that right okay spike bonus was um a great drummer you have to stop i can't it's because i it's how my brain thinks now you have to stop this i can't stop spike burners what if you're into like pain though then then you it would be like an infinite feedback loop or just yeah you'd go maybe your head would just fall off from excitement. That's medicine.

That's medicine. I'm a medicine man. Medicine man. Medicine man. I've now invented my own game of most lowbrow highbrow thing, but I thought it might be interesting for you and the other listeners to play too. Here are some other ideas. So that's the most lowbrow highbrow thing I think he's saying is like a dick amulet.

A dick amulet in the Welcome Collection Yeah and you know what I've got to say about dick amulet Um God's sake So this email's an absolute treasure trove So lowbrow Most lowbrow highbrow thing Only looking at boobs in art galleries

Yes Laughing when you read Homo erectus At the Natural History Museum Depends on the laugh If it's like a sort of dirty EastEnders But if it's a sort of haughty Very droll Just imagine

Wondering how women in those massive operatic dresses poo They must need help right No but there's so much space They're so big and billowing Wondering how women in those massive operatic dresses poo. They must need help, right? No, but there's so much space. They're so big and billowing. They can billow over the bog. They could probably just poo standing up and not hit enough off. Billow over the bog. Any time you like.

Yes, it is. Billow over the bog, they say. Oh, he says, and Koji, thank you very much. Johnny. Thanks, Johnny. Yes, the Welcome Collection is full of strange treats. It's funny, isn't it? Once it's in a museum, it's fine.

But if someone's house was just full of cock rings and dick amulets and they were like, isn't it interesting? You'd be like, hmm. Yeah, very much the same with Nazi memorabilia yes yes interesting sure sinister sure beautiful absolutely

oh stirring yes inspiring yes correct yes all of these things correct, yes, all of these things Correct, correct, correct Correct, yes Laura has got in touch to tell us that she and 24 other Gorilla Life What was it? A Gorilla Group of Bum Bum Life fans have created a Facebook page, she says Oh, Gorilla Life, no, what is it? A Gorilla Group of Bum Bum Life fans have created a Facebook page, she says. Oh, Gorilla, okay.

Gorilla. Gorilla. Gorilla. And there's only 24 of them, and she's interested of, well, I mean, you and I aren't really on Facebook properly anymore, unless it has like a celebrity page.

So I don't know if we can join, but if you're other Budpods, it's called... If you're a Podbud on Facebook. I think it's called the Budpod Koji Group. She's keen that there's definitely more than 24 listeners, and thank God there's 25. And see if anyone else would love to be a part

of an online community of weirdos just like Laura. Keep on jacking it. You're sincerely Laura. Thank you very much for that, Laura, and for the effort. And for everyone else in the Facebook group, thank you very much. We will find a way of checking in on the Facebook group as long as you keep it open. And if you post things there, maybe we'll be able to see them and stuff. Yeah, the Keep on Jacking It Facebook group could attract the wrong kind of person, though.

Yeah, a lot of Russian bots, very influential. Yeah. But great. But great. attract the wrong kind of person though yeah yeah a lot of russian bots very influential yeah but great but great a place for like-minded ploppers now here comes an email from elizabeth elizabeth elizabeth greetings from iceland she says elizabeth elizabeth elizabeth elizabeth very nice very cool she's someone's dotir. Is her daughter? Yeah, the names are like... Oh, patronymes. Yeah, Magnusson or Magnus dotir. I love your tundras, Elisabeth. Phil loves your tundras,

Elisabeth. I love your landnamabok and your parliamentary alting system. Alting? The alting. What's that? It's the name of the parliament. It means the everyone meeting. Oh, yes. When I went to Iceland, we visited... The Bigting. What's that? It's the name of their parliament. It means the everyone meeting. Oh, yes. When I went to Iceland, we visited... The Big Rock.

The Big Rock, where they used to all meet. They used to come together once a year. Oh, yeah. They'd go, how is everyone in Iceland? And they'd go, we're all right. And it's the parliament where in the year 1000, they all just voted on whether or not to be Jesus people. They just went around and went, what do you guys think?

It seems nice. Okay. went around and went, what do you guys think? It seems nice. Okay. Yes, a guy called was it Mord? There was a famous Icelandic lawyer at the time called Mord the Fiddle. It was either him or someone else very famous. They went and meditated under

an oil skin, like a big leather sheet under a waterfall for three days. A lawyer? They had law, yeah, quite advanced law. Lawyer wouldn't do that nowadays. No. Yeah, these days.

You want a lawyer to go meditate under a leather sheet in a waterfall for three... He won't even do it for an hour. Well, I'm sending you a bloody big bill. Anyway. Greeting. Dearest fecal friends. Nice. Nice.

Thank you, Elisabeth. Tuck. Tuck. I assume tuck. tack It's tack everywhere else in Scandinavia Greetings from Iceland I adore the podcast and have listened every week since day one Wow, a founding father A founding father in Iceland A founding father

Oh, brilliant Thank you very much. I listen in the gym and often find myself having to hold back laughter in order to avoid other gym goers from thinking I'm laughing at them or that I've gone insane on the treadmill. Keep up the brilliant work. You're both hilarious. Oh, thank you. Praise redacted. I was able to catch one of Pierre's shows during the summer when I visited the UK.

Well done. Tusentak. Tusentak. Thousand thanks. Oh. If itentak Thousand thanks Again, don't know Icelandic That's in Danish and Norwegian Anyway, and for now what I'm sure you've been waiting for The Scatological Story Wonderful

My boyfriend at the time and myself had gone to a not so reputable restaurant for food earlier that day Scandi Scat Scandiiscat. Scandiscat. Shubbityboo up. Shubbityboo up some. Scandiscat's really big right now.

Scandiscat is huge right now. I chose a burger while he chose the ribs, which he'd come to regret. We went about the rest of our day as normal and I brushed off his remarks about claiming he felt too warm which in iceland should always be suspicious yeah anyone who's saying they're warm it should immediately be sent to one of your fantastic hospitals later that night things were getting heated in the bedroom so being the ferocious fetishist that i am i proceeded to tie him up as he laid on my bed.

Wow. Sexy. Go for it, Elisabeth. Yeah, very sexy. I proceeded to tie him up as he laid on my bed. As things were heating up, it happened. His expression changed to one of horror as he felt his stomach drop. The stench hit me as if I'd gone nose first into a brick wall.

Wow. The stench hit me as if I'd gone nose first into a brick wall Wow And I looked down in horror to see the rusty water Seep through my sheets Yes he shit the bed He shit the bed He literally shit the bed Rusty water I like the news because he's so scared about being tied up Surely they're played into the fantasy

He was enjoying it too much I'm just imagining his face She's really quickly trying to find a butt plug Quick quick quick He was enjoying it too much. I'm just imagining his face. She's really quickly trying to find a butt plug. When are we going to remove it? Never. Never. Rusty water seeping through my sheets.

In a panic, I attempted to untie the knots about as effectively as a blonde in a horror movie would run from a serial killer. Oh, no. My fingers fumbled and fiddled until he was at least able to slither to the toilet like a shitty slug. Gross. Why is he sliming away? Why is he on the ground? My room never smelled the same again. To say I was distraught was an understatement. Although it's funny to look back at.

Thanks for the read. Est fra Elisabeth. Est fra Elisabeth? Thanks for the kinky... You've got to help us with the pronunciation, Elisabeth. Thanks for the kinky, stinky story. Kinky, stinky... A kinky, stinky story. Kinky, stinky story.

My name's Rusty Waters, and you're listening to my kinky, stinky stories. Rusty Waters is another one, isn't isn't it muddy waters is the real it's a famous musician rusty waters gross so gross great a lovely kinky stinky even funnier though that she was distraught at the time and wasn't like i would it wouldn't take me long to find that funny if it happened to me i just imagine herself while he's in the bathroom cleaning up just sat on her bed head in hand just really horrified not in iceland i did not think this would be possible in iceland

maybe in denmark but never in Iceland. I have let down my faters. My grandfathers. Iceland's small enough that it was mentioned in Parliament. That's how small Iceland is as a place. Rose gets in touch and it's a fun liquid poop story

from another founding father. Wow, they're all coming down. There are so many founding farters. It's great to meet the founding farters. We've got to revere them. They built this podcast with their own poo hands. And by their own words, all men are created stinky. We find these poos to be Self evident

Hey poo buds Fellow founding father here from down in New Zealand That's far away It's about as far away as you can be Like another listener a few weeks back Bird pod has been the soundtrack to my pregnancy Some poopy kids coming out. Some stupid poopy kids.

There's so much I can relate to as a lot of pregnancy is poo related too, so it's been perfect. It has on multiple occasions made me laugh out loud in public transport looking like a crazy person though. Well, that's, you know, it's a sacrifice we're willing to make. Also, people are going to give you a pass while you're pregnant

so enjoy it. You can do almost anything. Rob a bank. Yeah. Rob a bank. Rob a bank. I've just really been craving robbing a bank. Like, don't pay for a plastic bag

at the supermarket. Never. Just go for it. Just wee while you're walking. Just wee. They always say in England pregnant women are allowed to wee in postman's...

Postman's? Policeman's? Policeman's helmet? I've heard that. I think it's one of those things that used to be true but is now not a thing. I don't know, actually. It's up to the policeman, isn't it? If he says no, what are you going to do?

Start yelling. Hey, everyone! This policeman's not letting me piss in his hat! He's denying me my God-given right to piss in his hat! He's denying me my god-given right to piss in his hat. A lot of just slightly overweight women getting away with that.

Just stumbling out of McDonald's at 3am. Wasted fetishists. I have a story to share that's similar to the one shared by Fern. So sit back and enjoy. Oh, great. Note, I am intimidated by the calibre of submissions from your other incredibly articulate listeners. They're all very high, but I'm sure this will be up to scratch.

I'm sure this will be up to scratch. I have been on iron supplements during my pregnancy. Anyone familiar with adding iron to your diet will know that it can stop up the poops. Interesting. I did not know that. I did not know that. I did not know that. Is that why if you eat a lot of red meat you get a little like

Oh maybe It's not good for the poops red meat You pay the iron price Game of White Thrones I however am the exception to that rule And it makes my poops flow with alarming regularity And speed You're an iron woman

Now I also have a toddler who's nearly two. Good age gap? Yeah. Two years? Yeah. While trying to leave the house for daycare this last Monday, she unexpectedly projectile vomited while I was carrying her. You never expect it. It splattered me, her, and the hallway wall before I was able to duck into

the tiled bathroom where she could do less damage. She continued to vomit for some time. And I was trying to get us both undressed and cleaned up. Not easy when you're 39 weeks pregnant, you understand. You may know that pregnancy tends to enhance your sense of smell. Oh, I did not know that. Yeah, it makes you very sensitive to smells.

Wow. So the full sensory experience in this moment was pretty overwhelming. Despite my best efforts, I felt the bile rising and I started to heave, adding my own hot stomach contents to the mess. Mother and baby just puking together. Well, the family that pukes together.

Dukes together. That's pooping. Yeah, that's pooping. Remember how I also mentioned the effects of the iron supplements I'm on. So with every mighty stomach lurch, a hot jet of liquid poo ex... Yes! A hot jet of liquid poo exits... A hot jet of liquid poo exits my body at a

velocity that puts a NASA launch to shame. So picture it. A toddler covered in vomit and a screaming, massively pregnant mum, crying, covered in vomit as well, as well as enormous amounts of liquid shit. Good times! I'm so pumped to be having another one of these crotch goblins and i look forward to more fun poop stories to share in the future

keep up the good work and keep on jacking it bros i like that she she leaves us just with a pregnant mother and child crying in a bath covered in feces and vomit just overwhelmed in every sense fucking hell where what do you even clean up first where do you start where do you begin i guess it's kind of like hmm is it like in an air and in a flight when the oxygen masks come down you attend to yourself first before you tend to the child so you clean yourself up dab your own liquid shit before dabbing anyone else's yes maybe um friend of the podcast excellent writer comedian and all-around cool guy johnny Dab your own liquid shit before dabbing anyone else's. Yes, maybe. Friend of the podcast, excellent writer, comedian, and all-around cool guy, Johnny Leonard.

Johnny. I saw him the other day. He has a two-year-old. Yeah. And he was telling me that he did a tweet about it, which I retweeted. So go check him out. He's on Twitter, at the maybe pile. He now knows what it's like to be scrubbing feces off a floor while a toddler who's nude from the waist down

screams the first line of Old MacDonald at him over and over again on a loop. So he's on his knees going, oh, God, scrubbing shit. We'll say, Old MacDonald had a farm. Old MacDonald had a farm. So just naked from the waist down covered in shit. And he was saying that his kid sometimes would go oh mcdonald had a farm what did he have on the farm forgets i wants him to say what was on the farm so i was saying it sounds like something from full metal jacket oh mcdonald

like where you're on your knees cleaning up shit oh god oh mcdonald had a farm what did he have on the farm a pig a pig that's right what else did he have on the farm? A pig. A pig! That's right. What else did he have on the farm? A sheep. A sheep. That's right. You're a sheep.

Just while you clean up their shit. That's really funny. Horrific. Drill Sergeant Baby is a good character. Drill Sergeant Baby is a good character. Coming to the fringe this year. Drill Sergeant Baby. Drill Sergeant Baby.

Thank you, Rose. That is an absolute... In my head, the pregnant woman covered in vomit and shit or the two-year-old covered in vomit and shit in a small hallway bathroom. That's like a Renaissance painting. Yeah. Sprawled.

Sprawled. There's something Madonna-esque about it, isn't there? Yes, Madonna in child. Yeah. Yes. But because, you know, in those old paintings, the faces always look like they want to puke. They look up to the side.

Their jaws are always like... That's what it is, just about to puke. A lot of the old masters were very inspired by vomit and a lot of their models would actually be local, very sick people. Because the only money they could make was standing still for a long period of time trying not to be sick. The painting's called

like the nausea of St. Augustine. La nausea. We went to go see la nausea in Rome and obviously it's amazing in pictures but when you're there in the viewing gallery

it is overwhelming. People faint. People actually throw up in front of it. Yeah, you feel sick yourself. You feel sick yourself. It's incredible. The vomit follows you around the room. I mean, to get vomit from marble.

It's astonishing. It's a Bernini. Vomming a panini. One more email. One more email. One more email. Why not? For the lads. For the road.

And the gals. And everyone else. One last email here from Guy. Hello, Guy. Guy. I always find the name Guy funny. And whenever it comes up at a gig, go you have a very unimaginative parents yeah like when they when he came out of his mom they just went guy the guy the dad said who's that

and the mom goes some guy some some guy some guy some guy is in my pussy so the forest guy forest guy some guy who's that some guy some guy i'll call him that then Dear Fang and Pavelli Nice Interesting I'm a huge fan of the podcast and have been on board since the highbrow Gina Martin episode Ah, very highbrow It's gone downhill from there When I was looking for a podcast to drift or to sleep with

But it proved too interesting Well I'm sorry but thank you Yes, despite my best efforts at tummy troubles and having two small kids No interesting poo story of my own. However Phil's revelation that he'd not heard of turtle heading Yeah.

Horrible disgusting thing to say. Brings me to ask if anyone has experienced the phenomenon of hot dogging. Let me guess. That's when the poo comes out yes and then

and then sort of leans sideways so that it is wedged between your butt cheeks like a sausage in a hot dog bun. You've got it in one. Really? Yeah, pretty much.

I don't know why you said sideways though. Because it's not going sideways, it's still straight up and down. Your bum's up and down. Yeah, but your anus is perpendicular to your ass crack, innit? So your poo comes out perpendicular to your ass crack because your ass crack is along the surface of your bum So your poo comes out perpendicular to your ass crack because your ass crack is along

the surface of your bum and the poo comes out perpendicular to it, out of it. Yes, but that doesn't then spin and move sideways. It's already in the right angle. No, it isn't because it's coming straight out of... straight up the hill.

Oh, but bearing in mind this is in a context in which your poo isn't properly leaving, is it? Okay. You're not sat on the toilet when this is happening, because then it would just leave you. Yeah. This would be lying on your stomach or something. Yes. Okay.

Right. With context. Okay. Hang on. Let's get into it. My oversized two-year-old son. Oversized. My oversized two- He's as big as a 40-year-old son. Oversized. My oversized two-year-old. He's as big as a 40-year-old. He's like Clifford the Big Red Dog. What's wrong with this child?

Why is he so big? The Big Red Guy. My oversized two-year-old son has a particularly large bottom inherited from his mother, he says. Great. He's got a badonkadonk two year old little J-Lo butt that would look so horrible

I hope your kid's okay this means that the reusable nappies we're using in a pointless attempt to salvage our planet were often quite tight fitting oh yeah and when the time came for him to relieve his bodily needs, the poo had nowhere to go but up. Okay, now I understand.

In extreme cases, this resulted in an overflowing poo cascade. An OPC. An OPC. But more generally, when unwrapped, would have left a poo sandwiched between his buns. Hence, hot-dogging. I was right! Quite convenient, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it was loose, then it would get everywhere. It's a good place to put it. About as good a place as any. Look, if it's going to be somewhere... After the toilet, I reckon stealing your bum is about as good a place to keep a poo. Lingering in the lobby. Like your poo's forgot its key.

Your poos thinking about whether or not to check they really have turned the stove off. Just there. I would also like to humbly offer some highlights from the numbers dictionary that I own for some upcoming episodes. This is from a while ago, so... The only number when written, 40,

has its letters in alphabetical order Interesting In a way Wow who notices that 39 is equal to 3 times 9 Plus 3 plus 9 Okay yeah yeah yeah Anyway

He also goes most authoritarian Anyone whose appalling driving results in a collision of any sort Should be made to stand next to the road And apologize to every single person they have delayed. Wow. Wow. That's pretty authoritarian. I like it.

The most boring, exciting thing. That's interesting. Okay. Going to any live sporting event. Yes, that's good. It goes on for ages. Yeah. And then you have to slowly queue to leave.

Yeah. With loads of drunk, angry people. leave yeah with loads of drunk angry people it's all the anger and excitement of sports combined with the sort of a dour due process of theater yes yes yes yes yes yes the queuing the toilets the snacks the seating and with an edge of danger yeah there's a lot going on yeah um after realizing that tv has massively overplayed the excitement of the sport by showing you interesting highlights while very uninteresting things are happening that you now have to sit and watch because you're not watching on the TV.

Keep on jacking it, Guy. Thanks, Guy. Very nice, Guy. Good luck with all the hot-dogging. Yeah, sounds delish. And your oversized two-year-old with its huge ass. How big is a two-year-old before it's oversized? Five foot.

Fuck, yeah. Jesus Christ. No, that's a pituitary gland condition. That is serious. Wowee. Well, we wish you and your enormous son the best, Guy. Of course. And to all the enormous sons listening.

We were both once enormous sons. That's true. That's true. That's true. And look how far we've come. I think I was eight pounds, which is kind of big for a baby. I wasn't that big when I was born. But I mean, later on, we were enormous boys. You were a grower, not a shower.

Mm-hmm. Well, thank you so much for the correspondence. We've still hardly scratched the surface. We've hardly. We're digging through this mountain of content. Thank you so much. It's all such high quality. I'm always i'm always

impressed our fans uh if you judge a podcast by the quality of the fans it keeps this is a it's a it's a what's poopy it's poopy and weird and articulate very articulate for a poopy podcast thank you so much folks thank you guys see you next week