BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 42 - Election Special!

Episode Date: December 18, 2019

Election Reaction! Well listeners, hope you’re ready to be privatised and eat chlorine chicken. Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie react to the election and try to find some silver linings. They talk about the poshest Tory election party they ever went to, appearing on an online stream, armies of Ghost Voters, make fun of conspiracy theorists and they work on their Italian Londoner accents! Pierre did an ART for charity, check it out at the Fiumano Clase gallery if you like and talks about encountering a PodBud in the airport and Phil scared the shit out of a fan onboard a flight.  Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's 42, the meaning of life, if you're a Douglas Adams fan, and why wouldn't you be? Episode 42 of the Bud Pod. The country has gone to the polls. The people have spoken, and they said... They said, we all want to perish. We want to perish in our own way that makes us feel powerful. We want to perish by our own hand. We want to starve by our own stupidity. We want to float off into the Atlantic and rise up into the sky and suffocate on the lack of oxygen. Yes, that's right. It's a conservative majority. Yes, people have decided that foreigners are germs and germs are foreign. And it's time to have nurses on credit card machines and some sort of maybe a war.

Well, they aren't called Germans for no reason, Pierre. It's true. It wouldn't be in there if it wasn't true. It's in the word. And they wouldn't be Spain without pain. And French is a wrench. You don't throw a wrench in the works, as a French would. Yes, yes.

This is all good. This is the announcement that we are now speechwriters for Boris Johnson. Yes, yes. Oh, Joris Bonson is the PM. Joris Bonson is the PM for a good five years, if not ten. Five years of that rumbling, pulsing haystack have come. Well done, everyone.

Imagine if he just becomes a superhuman and amazing PM tomorrow. He just gets zapped like Dr. Manhattan and his eyes start to glow and he raises off the ground. And he's like, well done, my children. Like that voice as a feminine and male at once. Well done, my children. You have chosen as a thief, feminine and male at once. Well done, my children.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have chosen well. I shall look after you now. And he's doing, yeah, the everything voice. Yeah. And lightning strikes Big Ben. Yes, and he floats, like with his hands and legs hanging limply, you know. He floats into Big Ben, into the tower.

Yeah. Priti Patel, like, playing the flute. Yeah. Priti Patel like playing the flute. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Priti Patel floats up and he just snaps her head off and drinks all her blood. And that makes him even more powerful. And she's still smiling in the psychopath. Oh, God, yes.

That smile of hers is the most scary. She's like Elijah Wood's character in Sin City. Yes, with her arms getting eaten off by dogs. She's just there going like, this was always what I wanted. The death penalty, but for me. Fucking sociopath. Anyway, yes,

you and I, Phil, we stayed up very late drinking our sorrows away. Pierre and I did a little bit of election night party hopping, and we ended up at possibly the poshest party in London. It was pretty astonishing, listeners. Phil was there before me, and he said it was going to be, you know,

some people who work in the fine arts industry, you might say. Yeah, we could say that. The fine arts industry, where obviously you get very few people dabbling in classical oil paintings, you know. So it's going to be money flowing around. But I was expecting a kind of posh from our point of view, like in the arts and entertainment industry, where it's like, yeah, there's a couple of blazers around, but there's still a big fat dube in the garden. Still in the arts, technically. Yeah.

That would make them left-leaning, wouldn't it? Yeah, and it was a party of a young age group. It wasn't like it was a sort of adults of every type party. So I thought, well, you know, there's going to be a sprinkling of this and that and I'm sure that they'll be different. No, it was like a party had been born from inside the earth as the tory majority was announced they all kind of went like ghosts from the ballot boxes and they manifested like a bunch

of public school autokais yes coming out of the mud yeah yeah oh i serve my race. And I was met at the door by a man in a double-breasted tweed blazer wearing a fez. Of course. And not in a fun, like, isn't it a crazy party? I'm wearing a silly fez. It's like, this is one of my fezes. And those are two very different vibes. This is one of my fi. This is one of my fezes.

My father has many fezes. It was a hell of a thing, Phil. It was quite a party. And to give you an idea just how Tory it was, it turns out no one was watching the election coverage. I was led to believe we'd be sat around a TV. Yes, it was pitched as an election party. It was. And there was a TV on in the corner, completely silent.

And it was a TV. A bippy lippy and poppy dance to abba a lot of abba um tilly silly and grillie were there i met a bippy um she came in and uh and uh she recognized me and Set High introduced herself and when we left once the results were clear, once it was clear we had a large touring majority, she said to me as I was leaving,

oh so nice to meet you and don't worry, we've won! Oh! We've won! Oh! we've won oh we've won just like the most evil triumphalist that was what I found most dispiriting was that

these people were like so immune from consequence that they were having an election party where no one was watching the election couldn't care less no one was discussing it either absolutely no one was discussing it yeah um and i think i just i overheard people just keep referring to it as a lovely christmas party and in the corner of the room the government was changing and and there was like one one other guy there who wasn't dressed like reese mogg yeah on a holiday and me and him sat on the

couch and it was like one of those front rooms where they're so posh that the couch doesn't point at the tv so we're watching at an angle like we're in a rowing boat and i was like wow they couldn't care less about the actual numbers they're just going and dancing in circles and drinking sort of fine hands yeah it was the most like like there's one it's one thing to lose and there's another thing for the people who beat you to barely notice amidst their own revelry yeah yeah i want to yeah i i wonder if they would even have reacted if the election had gone the other way that's the thing they was they seemed so detached from it's what was going on.

It's like if you found out that your army got beaten by another army but the general of that army just woke up and discovered that you'd lost. Like he didn't even direct his forces. He just woke up and went, Oh, we've won! Oh, jolly good!

And just back to bed. We've won! I'm not exaggerating. That's how she sounded. There were people with those voices there. It was astonishing. I haven't seen that much of a mixture of fine breeding and terrible inbreeding in quite some time, Phil. It was a hell of a thing to see.

They could count the Tory majority on their hands. see they could count the tory majority on their hands or their fine jaw lines and cheekbones yeah one or the other yes very high cheekbones yes there's something about what is that about the uk where you can look at that some people just look like they're posh we talked about this before with. Everyone either looks like Hugh Dennis or Ross Kemp. There's a quality to the skin, a sort of confident pallor, a sort of sallow luxuriousness. They're pale but not unhealthy pale. Yes, that's it.

There's a special paleness. Yes, it's sort of a high quality porcelain to the fairness. Yes, it's weird. To give you an idea, listener, I was the blackest person at the party. Yeah, close second, me. Yeah, it was. It was a whitewash that evening in more ways than one. Yes, it was a very white event, my word. Yes, when I'm one of the least white people in a room,

that's a real cracker barrel going on there. Yeah. And yes, my God, what a night. What a night. I still haven't really slept properly. So what's our reaction to it? Vague despair? A sort of despair, a sort of depressed acceptance.

Yeah. There hasn't really been fallout yet is the thing. This is the day of listeners. This is the day after we haven't, you know, waited to give you some kind of incredible analysis. Right, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, I was prepared for this result. I thought my bet was Tory majority.

My bet was Tory majority. My bet was Tory majority of 20? I thought 20, but my little heart was set on another grubby little hung parliament. Hung parliament, the only thing anyone can agree on is a referendum. Temporary government to do the referendum, dissolve,

have another election. The dream, dead, in a ditch. Unlike Boris. Unlike Boris. Unlike Boris? Did he come close to losing his seat at all? No, he increased his majority by another 2,000. You're joking. Uh-uh. Uh-uh, boy. So much for schmactical

voting. Mate! Can you imagine the wank he had? Awful. Awful to picture it. Yeah. Like an picture it. Yeah. Like an angry wig. Yeah. The Prime Minister has a girlfriend.

Grow up. Yeah. The Prime Minister has a girlfriend. And who knows how many children. God damn it. Yeah. Extraordinary. Just extraordinaryinary We have our Trump now Yes The last gossamer thin thread

Of superiority over America Blown into Boris' billowing hair Oh boy We still have tea We still have tea And we still have keep calm and carry on posters And we still have keep calm and carry on posters And we still have keep calm and drink tea posters

We still have tant We still have tant over America There's nothing quite like British tant It's hard For Americans to be really twee Outside of the Midwest In the Midwest you'll get An embroidered sort of bless this mess.

Well, exactly. It's so imbued in fundamental Christianity. It's sort of its own thing. Bonnets. Little house on the prairie. Yeah, it's just crucify. That can't be the plural for crucifix.

Crucifixes. It'll be crucifixes. Crucifixes? Cruifix. Crucifixes. It'll be crucifixes. Crucifixes? Crucify. Crucify. Yeah, I thought you were implying that someone would just have a little bit of wood hanging up that just says crucify on it. It's like, I know they're vindictive. Some of the evangelicals feel they're not that vindictive.

Some of the evangelicals feel they're not that vindictive. How did you... Did you wake up in a kind of, what happened last night? Oh, no! Or did you wake up with that kind of, the same consciousness you went to sleep with? Exactly the same, because I went to bed late enough that we knew what was happening.

I went to bed about three, so we knew the results. I went to bed at like seven. Awful. Yeah. And also, I I mean it was so much less close to selection That the results were clear much earlier So you could get Wait, you went to bed at 7? Yeah

That flew right past you No wonder you're tired Because I'm like, yeah, I'm a bit tired But Pierre's really making a big old song and dance Someone's got a real bee in their belly And over this whole tired thing And it's me Buzz buzz buzz on your penis

Buzzing there on my penis Buzz buzz buzz on my penis Ding ding ding on my bell Fly in circles around my ball sack This bee is giving me hell We still have music We will always have beautiful, beautiful music And they can't take that away from us

Until they do Until Boris does What do you think the maddest Until Dominic Raab comes over and smashes your piano With his bare hands Have you seen, did you see Dominic Raab comes over and smashes your piano With his bare hands Have you seen Did you see Dominic Raab He didn't lose his seat either

No Well his watchamajigger went down from like 18,000 to 2,000 So he got a When they interviewed him on the TV He had that like slightly red-rimmed eyes thing Like no well I suppose that if my wife wants to leave,

then there's nothing we can do about that. Is there like a real like sorrow and grief and rage bubbling in there? It was chilling. Or something. Yeah. So he's in a marginal now, I suppose. Oh, yeah. God.

It was a brutal night, though. It was a fucking massacre. What was the reaction? You were already at the mansion from the Cluedo game, whereas I was at Joe.co.uk's event. Yes, you're sort of giving live coverage for Joe.co.uk, online content curator and media news outlet. That's what it seems to be.

News media outlet. News media outlet. Outlet of media news. Yes. And news media. Yes, I was on the little panel before any of the results came in when they were killing time, I think. And I just said, oh, I didn't vote for anyone that's being investigated for racism because that seems dumb. Yeah. Yeah.

Bye. And that was kind of it, really. And then they posted a tweet of that interview clip panel bit this morning. And I immediately muted the notifications. Oh, yeah. Because I don't care what you think if you don't follow me. And even then, maybe not. I muted a tweet yesterday and I've still not looked and I'm very glad.

It's amazing, isn't it? It reminds me of listening to the podcast of What's-His-Tits who wrote American Psycho, Brett Easton Ellis. Okay. He's a real bumhole. Oh. He's like a real grouch, sort of typical boomer grouch in some ways. Even though he's not a boomer. Anyway, the point is,

he was interviewing Marilyn Manson and they were both talking about how badly they used to get beaten up at school in the early 90s, late 80s. And Marilyn Manson was like... I thought Marilyn Manson got that eye. Yeah, someone beat him up with a cursed fist. Now he has a demon eye.

Marilyn Manson was like, yeah, I used to get my ass kicked every day in every direction. It's like people now complain about cyberbullying. It's like, turn off your phone. You mean they're not even at your house? You're so scornful of it. And muting notifications on a tweet does feel a bit like a superpower because you go, oh, this is what the past was like when we were safe. Yes. Wow.

When we had our own lives. When we were lords of our own destiny. Kings of our own castle. Dukes of our own arsehole. Oh, God. Well, we hope you're not too despondent out there Listener And if

Your side did win Last night then congratulations You won Oh bippy Floppy nippy Come here we won Clippy nippy whippy! Blip blop!

I want to be a smillionaire, so speaking's mad. Smarmy, smimbly, smicking smad smarmy smimbly smumbly smoo I want to be a grillionaire so greeking grad grumbly grimbly grumbly grue I want to be a pillionaire so

peaking pad pom pa piddly podly poo I want to be a smillionaire so smicking smad oh pa piddly Paddly Poo. I want to be a shmillionaire. So shmeaking shmad. Oh, Pa Piddly Paddly Poo. I want to be a zillionaire. So zicking sad.

Oh, zingles, zingles, zingles. Oh, I want to be a millionaire. So zingles, zingles, zingles. Oh, I want to be a millionaire. Silver Linings. Let's try and do some silver linings so that we're not full of despair. In times like these, it's always good to remember what's good in the world and try and keep your chin up and we continue to fight. We continue to fight. When God closes a door, Phil, he opens a window, which is worse than a door.

Much worse. It's smaller. You can't get in and get through most of the time. Often it's impossible to get through. It's almost mocking. It can be too high up. Yep. It can be too small.

It can scratch you quite badly on the way out. It can be just painted out. It can be just painted shut. It could be painted shut. But that window could have a silver lining. Literally, it could be lined with silver, and that would be something. That would be something. You could prize that off and sell it through

that window to a passing metallurgist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What will the silver linings be me be over the next five years will people stop blaming the eu for stuff all the time what do you think they'll just keep doing that no matter what like well i mean conspiracy yeah i guess i'll have to stop blaming the eu and finally start blaming themselves. That'd be good.

We could finally stop hearing about, ooh, bendy bananas and the vacuums aren't powerful enough and then Brussels we are a crats. That's finally going to go away. But the thing is, we're going to have to maintain some relationship with the EU and not everything is going to go our way. But that's diplomacy and that can be a bit sneakier and they're all going that's not interesting yeah that's true it's a lot less

interesting than saying do you know who's ruined your local bananas even though you've noticed nothing that's a silver lining is that hopefully we'll get back to people not caring about the eu just like they did literally the seconds before the referendum was announced. Exactly. That'd be nice. People always say, you know what is good about our times we live in? Sure, it's chaotic and dangerous and depressing,

but people are more politically engaged. And you go, no, that's obviously proof not to be good. It's not good to be politically engaged. There are times you're politically engaged in disaster times. Yeah, times of national crisis. The dream is to live in a country where you don't give a shit what's going on in politics. The dream is to live in a country that's so well run,

you don't have to be politically engaged about, say, the police or the sewer system. Because it works it just works yeah exactly so it just works so unfortunately now everyone's had to be all engaged yeah let's let's stop being let's become less politically engaged yeah well certainly about the eu so that's a that's a silver lining is that people will stop going on about eu directives and fishing yeah and not immediately we'll have to talk about that for at least two years. Mmm, yum, yum, yum, yum. But I think it'll become so boring. Like once Boris Johnson, sorry, Joris Bonson.

Joris Bonson. Once Joris Bonson can stand up and go, it's a visual. We're no longer in the Bible. And Spangler Murdles goes, okay. Auf Wiedersehen, Große Britannien. This uh then britannian is gross this is the grossest britannian i've ever seen i'm spangler marbles and spangler marbles will say i'll be the same and um old mr macaroons will say uh

exactly and uh well well well you want to leave, huh? You want to leave us, sir? Oh, come on, baby, don't go. Look at my handsome face. Maybe we'll have an affair with France. We'll break up with the EU and have an affair with France. Yes, come back, baby. Come through.

When Spangler closes the door, Macron opens a window for you to climb in. It's a sexy French window. We don't have to tell Spangler closes the door, Macron opens a window for you to climb in. It's a sexy French window. We don't have to tell Spangler. Mrs. Marbles doesn't need to know about this. Come, spend a night with Macaroon. Have a little bite of my macaroon. Oui, oui, oui.

Très bien. Ah. Ha, ha, ha. The Adventures of Madeline. Sorry, I ran out of French things. Fair enough. That was a good one, though. Adventures of Madeline.

Yeah. Yeah, so that would be nice. So once, like, in my head, once Joris Bonson can hold up a commemorative coin and go, we've technically done it, and we've left. Loads of, like, really thick-neckeded pink people angry all over the country will go and disappear into dust like the pharaoh you know in the mummy ghosts released of their curse or like in the mummy where he just blows away you know and there's just and the bones clatter yeah and as they as the as the you know, whenever they animate someone like turning straight to skeletons and dust, the jaw goes really big.

Yeah. The jaw detaches from the head of the skull. The bottom bit falls off, yeah. And then as it goes like that, it goes, and they go, thank you. Thank you for releasing a state back control. That's actually how the Tories won the election, is that millions of glowy green ghosts flooded the polling booth. Like in Lord of the Rings.

A load of skeleton army men came in. Well, you're only on the voters' registry from the year 1340, but I suppose you have to... Yes, let me vote. I use a pen and not a pencil. That was trending. pen pen not pencil because people think that people think that the easiest way to commit election fraud is to sit rubbing out votes by hand and drawing them in again amazing it's just

the i mean that's a silver lining if you maybe people will become less fucking insane now less pathetically tinfoil hat about everything if you think that that happens and you're listening to this have a fucking word with yourself how have you managed to turn your phone on? how are you not afraid of having your phone on? because obviously whoever's doing all this rubber work

is tracking you for god's sake they're coming to kill you burn all your bedsheets there you go there's your warning you're paranoid fuck pens not pencils i mean come on if you were going to commit election fraud you would not pick the most labor intensive difficult exposing obvious yeah leaves it leaves a little paper trail And it's visibly obvious That it's happened as well

No one's that good at rubbing out Oh Aren't they? That was me winking Turns out it's been me Phil started the rumour One silver lining for me, Pierre Is I've just discovered

I love attempting An Italian London accent. It's really addictive. I'm not very good. I often end up doing a Scandinavian. Yes, it goes a bit. But I think I'm getting better. It's getting better.

You go a bit Nordic. Because it's the same as the, I used to live up in Palmas Green, which is like, that part of London is the highest number of Greek Cypriots outside of Cyprus. So it's full of Greeks. And all the local councils are called Thassapapadopoulos and stuff. Everyone seems to be Greek. That's the funny thing about Greece.

Outside of Athens, all the towns are so small that after Athens, all the largest Greek populations are not in Greece. So the largest Greek population outside of Athens is Melbourne and Australia. Wow. Fuck. Yeah. And then again here. They're everywhere. And then, again, here. They're everywhere.

Cyprus and everything, yeah. But they have the same kind of thing. Like, I used to go to a barbers and it was always like, oh, it's good to see you. Or again, they have a little trim. Yeah. Give a little cut to your hair over here. It's like Cockney Mediterranean. Yeah.

And the thing is, right, I don't mean to take the piss, but it's absolutely bloody ridiculous. Yeah, that's quite good. It's so close to being Cockney. I need to go more Cockney. You do a Cockney accent and then layer a little bit of Mediterranean seawater over the top of it. A little sprinkle of olive oil on that. A little sprinkle of olive oil on a Cockney voice. Okay.

It's an eel pie. It's an eel pie and pesto. That's what you're in for. All all right so um might be like this that's a little bit better better that's a little bit better uh the weird thing where even though they're doing a cockney voice they still do hard teas yeah that's it isn't it yeah that's the weirdest part so you need to mate what are you doing that's my this is my eel and pesto store. You get away. It's good. You got it. Yeah? Nice one. Stay away from my eels

and my pesto. Do you know how long it'd take me to catch this basil? Is that good? That's good, yeah. I hope the Americans listening are sensibly enchanted by London's multicultural fabric. Soon, of course, to be torn apart. Yes, we're not like your Italians.

They're sort of like this. Right? I haven't seen The Irishman yet, but yeah. Me neither. It's three and a half hours long, you know. Three and a half hours. And even if it is on Netflix, I'm going to kind of watch it in parts

in the comfort of my own home. Three and a half hours. Maybe I'll watch it tonight as my heaving fat belly Slowly rises and falls In front of me I've got a free evening Do you want to watch it to get there?

Shall we have a little Viewing party of the Irishman? That'd be nice, sir I'll watch the Irishman Because you're going into town And you come back After you spend time with your family You don't come back here

You come to my place Oh, man Then we can watch the Irishman We can have a little look at The Irishman. That would be nice. That would be nice. I like it. Very nice. If you don't know, by the way, listeners,

and if you are in London, do please check it out. I put a photo on my Instagram. I've done a big art. I sat on the loo and I squeezed out an art. Yes. Phil's seen it. Yes. Last night saw the grand opening of comedian and artist uh

annie mcgrath's uh comedians art gallery yes in east london it was wonderful it's an exhibit called uh um art is the best medicine yeah and it's in aid of a mental health charity raising money good boys yeah uh so you can go and buy the works by your favorite comedians And it's in aid of a mental health charity, Raising Money, Good Boys. Yeah. So you can go and buy the works by your favorite comedians. And it's in a gallery called Fiumano Classe. Yeah. People are not going to remember that.

Yeah. It's on my Instagram. Okay. So if you have Instagram, check it out. And also, Annie McGrath, we've both been guests, in fact, and my episode recently came out, The Secret Artists Pod. Yes. Where you and me sat and

did some art yes listen i know the idea of listening to someone make art doesn't seem completely intuitive but annie makes it work is a lovely chat very incisive and insightful and interesting highly recommended the secret artist yes yes uh you know i just realized you being a part of annie's exhibition last night the first of its kind, makes you a founding artist. I'm a founding artist. We have founding fathers, and you're one of Annie's founding fathers. Yes, please.

I might start being an art boy. Why not? Why not? There's never too much art in this world. No, that's... I've lost it. I've got all the pints and the colours. I've got all the pints and the colours I need to keep remembering

to keep in the cockney that's it that's good I also like I think I would like to be a fine artist because he's a fine artist I'd like to be a fancy art boy

because I don't seem or look like one and also you don't you don't seem to get many like white south african guys doing any kind of art really no it's not it doesn't feel like a likely thing especially in that well not in the uk anyway if you're if you're a big boy like me if you're a big old big old boy and you sort of go yeah i like to paint i like you know it's not a find i really like to express my feelings through art yeah he says he likes to pain he likes to pain it must be a south african thing for hurt people he said i like to pain oh also um i tweeted it but let me just

check my schminster schmam because i was stopped by a pod... a pod bud in Gatwick Airport. A flying pod bud? A pod bud on holiday? Well, well. Me and the Frank Skinner, we were going to... We were taking a flight to Jersey, in the Channel Islands. And we're doing a shower there.

And we're walking through Gatwick, and this guy come up and he said, hey mate, I'm going to listen to your voice right now. That's my senior. And he was walking behind me, not in the same flat, but to a different place. And he went, oh, I'm listening to your voice right now. And it took me a second because someone came up and went,

oh, excuse me. And normally that's for Frank Skinner. Yeah, yeah. It's someone going, oh, excuse me, Mr. Skinner, could you record a message for my granddaughter's wedding? It's awful kind of you. It's like a groveling fan. Whereas this was a pod bird.

Was gonna furious. He grabbed my collar and he pulled me down to his height. And he said, don't you ever, ever, ever. It was like Alan Partridge. Embarrass me like that. Patrick Gatwick again. Your fans are my fans. Yeah, remember that. Your fans, my fans. Yeah, remember that.

Your fans, my fans. What are your fans? Your fans. No, my fans. And then he picked you up in a military press and spun you around. It was amazing. Yeah, incredible. And I ejaculated.

Wow. It was great. That's how much we get on. No, he was quite pleased for me, actually. He was quite nice. Oh, nice. They were like, oh, that's great. Was he like, oh, congratulations, Pierre.

That's amazing that you're making leaps and bounds in disinterest trade. Oh, God. West Brom. That's hard. It's soft. It's really soft, isn't it? Yeah. I think your podcast is absolutely brilliant.

You end up doing a sort of spinal tap, Ozzy Osbourne kind of. Let's see. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It was, is this the right name? Murfin. Murfin? Yeah.

You're Murfan. So you're Murfan was called Murfin. Murfin was my Murfan, which is half fish, half fan. He said, I didn't mean for it to sound so creepy and thanks for taking the time, although brief, to chat. You are also fucking huge, half fan. He said, I didn't mean for it to sound so creepy, and thanks for taking the time, although brief, to chat. You are also fucking huge, thumbs up.

It's true, it's true. It's true, neither one of us seem tall when we're audio only. Yeah, that's what people always say when they meet me. It's like, oh, you're much taller than I imagined, which means I think you're a small, diminutive, horrible little orc. But I take the compliment. Do you think that they also just don't expect such a large Chinese guy? It's true, yeah.

It's just me and Yao Ming. It's you and Yao Ming. Yeah. I'd watch a show that you put on The Fringe called Me and Yao Ming. Yeah. Me and Yao Ming. Yao Ming. Playing basketball.

On the subject of people listening to your voice and then seeing you in real life. Yeah. I was once on a flight back from America. The United States of A. And we were flying back and it was like nighttime dark. The part of the flight where the captain goes, it is night now. I'm God. We are above the clouds

and yet, and yet, you will sleep to my whims. It is night now. Now it is day. Now it is night. I'm a pilot. Wake up. Eat. I'm a pilot. I'm a pilot. How am I supposed to make it night now? With this button. And I got up to go to the toilet, as is my right.

I got to go to the toilet, and a guy came out of the toilet with his headphones on. And he looked up at my face, and there was a second where he sort of did this double take. And his mouth fell open. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. Like he'd summoned you. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. Seen a gaust. Gaust.

And he just, like, without saying a word just turned turned the screen of his phone to show me just like like like your grave was on the screen and it was my episode of the comedian's comedian podcast he's just like oh my god what is going on so from perspective, he was doing a shit, listening to my voice, and then left the toilet, and there's me like, What were you doing? You better not have shat to my voice. How dare you shit to my voice?

How dare you handle your genitals while my voice is in your ears? Pay the respect I am due As your ear god That's a good voice Thank you For future reference pod buds We're a friendly couple of guys Yeah In case they see us out and about

Yeah Do say hi, it's always nice Or say one of the many deeply inappropriate And embarrassing catchphrases that we've had suggested. Hey, I hope your bin bags are full of poo-poo. Who was that? I don't know. Oh, I have no idea.

Just kind of a crazy person. Yeah, if you see either one of us on a date with someone, maybe. Well, me and my girlfriend, that would be fine. She knows. She knows I do a podcast. I haven't hidden that from her. That would be a strange thing to happen. She knows it's poopy.

You get back one day and she's just like, got Apple Podcasts open and she's like, have you got a podcast? And you're like, no, no, no, baby, baby, baby, no, no, no. You're the only podcast for me. What does that even mean? I don't know.

They send us emails about poo. They send us emails about poo. It's fine. No, no. Hello. I believe this is my polling station. I was given a card with this address. You just need my name and my address. Okay. I live on Apparition Road and my name is Gandelore the Fourth. You don't have, sometimes a gobble is not there. Sometimes it's Gandelore the Scalper. Yeah, yeah, you do have that hook.

I just go in here now. All right. Just vote for the one. Okay. A pencil? I don't trust a pencil. They will rub out my ghostly joys. I will use my own plasma.

There we go. Conservative. Ring letters. Emails. Phone calligraphy. Your sister. Correspondence. Correspondence.

We only have time for one this time, I'm afraid. This one's veryence, so Correspondence, we only have time for one this time I'm afraid This one's very short, so we might Well then I hold my tongue Kate gets in touch Kate, Kate, a little late from us Dear Phil and Pierre, when I was 15 slash 16

I was in a band at school Obviously being in a band is very cool and we got to play gigs at a local venue with proper sound and lighting. I played electric guitar. Open brackets. Cool. Close brackets. No screaming in the dark for us. No screaming in the dark for us. And I got to tell people I was in a band. Very cool.

Yet the whole thing was essentially an after-school club. Lame. The audiences at the gigs were 70% parents. Very lame. And none of us were old enough to drink, so we stood around watching the other bands with plastic cups of Sprite. Did I hit the Louis line, or was I just solidly uncool?

Lots of love, and please, keep jacking it. Kate. P.S. Bud Pod is my favorite podcast. Yes! You're damn right, Kate. I fucking love it. Thank you, she says.

Thank you, Kate. You've made us who we are today, like a mighty ghost in a monster made of ghosts. Yes, thank you, Kate. Yes. Is that Louis Line? That's pretty close. I think that's pretty much bang on the Louis Line.

It's so balanced out, isn't it? Is this the first solid Louis Line inhabitant we've had? Perhaps. I think there might have been one other one ages ago. I think Kate's hit on a couple of years in one's development where you're basically straddling the Louis Line. years in one's development where you're basically straddling the Louis line. You're sort of old and mature enough to want to explore

your innate hedonism. But the law won't let you. And so you have that very thing. You play a cool gig and then have some Sprite. You're not a girl. Dum dum.

Bum bum bum bum. Not yet a woman. Bum, bum-bum-bum-bum, not yet a woman, dum-dum, bum-bum-bum-ba-dum. Oh, I'm not a Britney fan. Drinking is bright. I don't know the tune. It's Britney Spears. Is it? Yeah, it's quite moving to you.

Really? I'm not a girl, but if you look at me closely, you can see it in my eyes. That's the sort of the nicest version of her general sort of, I'm not of the age of consent antics. I'm sexy and I'm young, so I'm dangerous. I've got leather pants. That seemed to be a lot of the output. And it worked, goddammit!

It works like a dream! I had about five sexual awakenings in a year, thank you very much, Miss Spears. Two a day. Salutations from Diane. Diane, my man. Fellow Cambridge alum bot, so she's in the Illuminati as well. Of course. Greetings.

We'll do our secret handshake over the internet. So, her poo experience prompts a question. Yes, we poo too, ladies and gentlemen We poo too It doesn't sound like it It doesn't sound like you could get a voice this lovely With a body full of poo But you can We poo too, but we poo blue

We do We won We won At what public event or competition Would you sacrifice your dignity by shitting yourself If it meant you were going to win something? No, I'm not talking about a Japanese reality show or the musician Gigi Allen's

onstage antics. Look up the documentary Hated on YouTube, but don't eat at the same time. Yes, Gigi Allen threw a lot of poo around and was a deeply violent man. But very interesting. I'm talking about running. Almost two weeks ago I ran a marathon, my fifth ever, and I came first female.

The female first. Top gal. This was completely unexpected since by elite sub-elite running standards i'm not fast however it was a small new unknown race and i was the fastest and dirtiest of the women who showed up on the line did you did you do a rat cliff well i was overjoyed when i passed the finish line but i ducked quickly away from any cameras, taking my medal and saying thank you as my boyfriend gave me his jacket to tie around my waist. So when I train for these races, I do it early in the morning,

and it seems that many days, no matter how many times, I've diligently sat upon the toilet to expunge myself before I run. When I run, I do feel the urge to deposit what is called in running circles the gingerbread man. It's a common thing. Why does running make you want to poop? Why do they running circles the gingerbread man. It's a common thing. Why does running make you want to poop? Why do they call it the gingerbread man? Because the gingerbread man's

always running and he's brown. What is it? Run fast all the way home. I'm the gingerbread man. Nobody blow him. What is it? What is the gingerbread man song? Gingerbread. Can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. Gingerbread. You can't catch me. Gingerbread. I run too fast. No, what is it?

Don't you do this gingerbread gingerbread i'm fast with my little brown legs yeah i don't know why you run run as fast as you can you can't catch me i'm the gingerbread man yeah that's right so that must be it then run run run as fast as you can you can catch me i'm the gingerbread man put me in your mouth i'll jump right out i'm far too fast i'll make you sick You can catch me, I'm the gingerbread man. Put me in your mouth, I'll jump right out. I'm far too fast, I'll make you sick. So, right. During the race, she says, I was doing great. I.e. I didn't need to poo for about 13 miles.

But after that, there was nothing to be done. It came slowly and steadily as I ran. So the gingerbread man hits her just as she hit the baker's dozen. Yes, yes. And gumdrop started popping out her bot bot. And what happened? Well, it came slowly and steadily as she ran. And luckily my shorts had a little inner mesh under part which acted

like a nappy until it couldn't handle the vehemence of my bowels. I think you'll find these shorts can't quite handle the vehemence of my bowels. I think you'll find these shorts can't quite handle the vehemence of my bowels. Yes, Your Honor. My word. It was a lapped course,

so I thought to myself, I could have gone to the Portoloos, but I realized that would mean going off the lap and into the finish chute, and people would know I needed to use the toilet anyway, and I would waste time. So I ran carrying my effluence for many miles. Every lap towards the end I looked away from the spectators rather than smiling

as in previous laps. Poo shame. Funnily enough, I think the experience of pooing myself spurred me to go on faster and outrun the others. Yeah, because the faster you finish, the sooner you can not have a mesh nappy of turds. Also, you're a bit lubricated now, aren't you, down there? Yes! Yes! And you have a smelly wake behind you

that's putting off the other runners. Like James Bond's Aston Martin. Or like a fecal Mario Kart. Little brown bananas for people to slip on. I can only imagine their facial expressions when I ran past them with smears of poo on the tops of my legs and seeming not to care. Yes, it hurt my bum a lot,

but it has now recovered from the chafing, but it was quite sore for a fair few days. So from that experience, I have learned that I will risk people seeing me having shit myself profusely if it means I get to win a race and run the fastest I've ever run. Many Louies to keep my positive attitude up

and carry a poo nappy for at least 10 miles. Yeah, gosh. How many miles must a man carry a poo nappy before you can call him a man? It's 10. Before you can call him Diane. Ooh. How many miles must Diane run down

before she can poo herself, Diane? Oh, God. The answer, my friend, is browning in her pants. The answer is browning in her pants. The effort was worth it, she says. My boyfriend is a nurse, so he is used to this kind of thing. And him sacrificing his jacket to the whims of the god of diarrhea is one of the most romantic things he's ever done.

Wow. Yours in the kinship of soiled leg garments, Diane. Thank you, Diane, and congratulations on your wonderful victory in the brownest of circumstances. Do you think if I shit myself on stage, I'd win a comedy award in Edinburgh? If I was a poo boy? At this state of the industry, probably.

These days. It's probably what they want now. Probably the first thing they ask, actually. He really bared his soul and his guts. I'd probably go with that, wouldn't I? It's amazing to see something so raw and honest on stage. There's nothing more raw and honest than a lump of poo. Yes.

Thank you, Diane, and thank you, everyone, for writing in. Sorry about our backlog. Sorry about the big backlog, but, you know, we'll get it out of ourselves eventually. We're going to have to sign off now. And Godspeed. Things might be okay. We'll see.

Good luck out there, everyone. Be kind. Don't worry, we'll win. We'll win.