BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 43 - Merry BudMas!

Episode Date: December 25, 2019

Merry Christmas! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie bring you a freshly wrapped audio gift! A festive episode full of silly fun, Phil and Pierre swap GIFts, baby detectives, Christmas snails, lovely festive tat, eating things alive, dipping turkey, the Queen’s speech, the meat tree, zwartepiet, Jim Carrey’s weird brain, crying at Christmas films, kids want to sleep with cartoon animals, Pierre waxes lyrical about Bedknobs and Broomsticks, some GOOD correspondence, have a good festive season! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Christmas time. It's Christmas day. There's no need to be afraid. Ring-a-ding-ding, it's Christmas time. It's 24 hours of Christmas. How will you use your 24 hours? 24 hours of Christmas. Once the 24 hours are over, then it will not be Christmas.

Then you'll have to wait for another 364 days before the next 24 hours of Christmas. I think that's my favourite carol. I think that the old ones are the best. 24 Hours of Christmas is my favourite. And do you know what? Everything in it is true. That's a rare thing for a carol. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't really... It's quite secular.

It's secular. It's accurate. It's indisputable. I think that's what the 24 hours of christmas is really good that's why what's your my favorite i think my favorite is the least accurate one oh yeah yeah yeah it's not christmas it's easter easter's on valentine's day get a chocolate egg give it to your mom that means you're getting married to your mum. That's what happens. Light a candle for Buddha.

It's Easter. Yeah, it's really confusing, but it is good. Yeah. And it's amazing people continue to play it during Christmas. People still know somehow to play it during Christmas. It's a tradition that's steeped in irony. It really is. Traditional Christian irony. It's British irony.

People just don't do irony like we do in Britain. No, no. Merry Christmas, Philip. Merry Christmas, Pierre. And Merry Christmas to you, listener. Merry Christmas, Pod Buds. You there, Pod Bud, what day is it? Why, sir, it's Bud Pod Christmas Day.

Yes, you wonderful Pod Bud. Go down to the audio store and get me the plumpest podcast in the window. Do you know the poo store around the corner? Why, yes, of course, sir. Wonderful boy. Do you know if they're selling any poos this year? Why, yes, sir. I've seen the biggest poo I've ever seen in my life in their window.

Oh, wonderful child, you beautiful, intelligent, wonderful boy. Well, here. Here is, um... Um, here is a poo bag. Um, here. Catch. You go there and you give me the biggest poo. Do you understand? And you get a little poo for yourself. Oh, thank you,

sir. I was ever so kind. Fantastic. I haven't missed it then. It's not too late. What would that be? A Christmas poo roll? A Christmas poo roll. A Christmas loo roll. A Christmas loo roll.

I think the scariest part of a Christmas loo roll is the ghost of Christmas Poocha. He shows you a little toilet and you're on it. In the future, yeah. You've died on it like Elvis and no one cares. Yeah, that's a really scary part, sorry. Constipation. I really... I'm always the most scared by the ghost of Christmas Farts.

I wasn't the most scared by the ghost of Christmas farts Who is just a gas A gas that comes into Pooja's Pooja's window Ebenezer Pooj Ebenezer Pooj That's why they say That's why you call someone who refuses to poo You say that you'd stop being such a pooge

Stop being such a pooge No, I won't do it I'll never poo God, what a pooge You'll end up dying alone on the toilet with that attitude Yeah The gross of Christmas farts That's what it is

That's when he was younger and more innocent and happy to fart Yeah, and he just thought they were fun musical noises And laughter He sat there in Mr. Fizzy Wig's Factory and happy to fart. Yeah. And he just thought they were fun musical noises and laughter. He sat there in Mr. Fizzy Wig's factory and Boy!

Pooj! Ebenezer! Come! And Ebenezer would happily come over and I do love your farts, Ebenezer. And the entire cat shit family were there.

Bob Cat Shit and little little tiny Tim Cat Shit. It's a wonderful, beautiful story. And still so pertinent. Still so relevant, Pierre. Even in this day. That's what made Dickens so incredible.

So fantastic. We all have a pooch in ourselves. And we need to keep an eye on it. So happy Christmas, everyone. Happy Christmas, everyone, is what we mean by that. I'll be tuning into the Muppets Christmas poo roll. Yes in fact you know what I think it could do with being a little more Christmassy in here Phil

like maybe some like a roaring fire. Oh not too roaring for me please. Just a crackle will do. There we are. There we are. That's good. Oh that's lovely yes. Oh I feel warm already and what about would it be too annoying to have a constant

very slight tinkling of bells? I have that in my head anyway. I have mild tinnitus. Lovely. There we go. We'll add that in. That's nice. A Christmas recipe. And it's not audible to the human ear, but the noise

that reindeer make when they're trying to find someone to fuck. It's too low. For me, it's not really Christmas yet until I can hear the vicious braying of two stags competing over a mate. Ah, now it's Yuletide Well, Merry Christmas, Phil And we thought, Podbuds That in the spirit of whatever Christmas is supposed to be about now We would get each other some gifs

Yes, we got each other It's pronounced gifs Well, the creator of gifs insists It's pronounced gifs But we all say GIFs We don't care, it's not really the point, is it? Yes, we've bought each other Christmas GIFs And they're real Christmas GIFs, folks

Who wants to go first? I think you should go first I'll go first It's a two-farter A two-farter GIF And first it is Because you're a wine boy It's a bottle of the chocolate block

From everyone's favourite Vineyard Birkenau Birkenau There we go Thank you so much I love the chocolate block The chocolate block is a beautiful red

wine from Pierre's native South Africa. It's absolutely delicious. It's a blend of Syrah, Grenache, Cinsault, Cabernet Sauvignon and a tiny dash of Viognier. It's absolutely delicious. I highly recommend it. And quite affordable. You can even get it on Amazon.

I spit late now. It's Christmas day today. But if you're looking for a nice Boxing Day wine... 20 quid? 23? Chocolate block. Yeah. I mean, it's not a cheaper wine, but it is so worth it. And it does have the aftertaste of dark chocolate.

It's absolutely delicious. Like, to a weird extent. And not in a way they've added flavors. Listen, it's like somehow the grapes have done it. It's very cool. Yeah. Also, very subtly there, throwing in how much he has spent. Absolutely threw in the price there.

But I'm not going to throw in the price of this next fart. Of the two-farter. Oh yeah? It is some of your very own tat. Oh my gosh! It's real tat! It's titty tat! Okay, let me get the plastic off. This is great. It's some Christmassy audio. Yes, this is absolutely horrible, folks.

I mean, this is, no, this is a Christmassy sound, the sound of unwrapping. Yeah, absolutely absolutely And crying children So it's black It's an apron It's a chef's apron And there's a picture of a glass on the front With a straw and some ice cubes

And in very big letters it says YES! And in smaller letters underneath it says You're right It's definitely Gin O'Clock What I like about it Is it says, you're right. It's definitely Gin O'Clock. What I like about it is that, yes, you're right. It's definitely Gin O'Clock.

Nothing to do with cooking at all. All the rest of them are like a prick with a fork, you know, and like kiss the cook. Or like big cartoon tits. Or a big cartoon cock. It's so funny. Also, what I like about you're right is that suddenly, It's the first bit of text That's accused the viewer of something Yes It's accused the viewer

Of saying it's gin o'clock I think this is called gaslighting now Yes You're right You're right It is gin o'clock Please Please don't drink gin

I don't like it when you drink gin No Your idea is a really good one I should drink more gin While I'm cooking It is gin o'clock Correct Yes Because You do like cooking for other people Phil I do love a cook Your idea is a really good one. I should drink more gin while I'm cooking. It is gin o'clock, correct. Yes, because you do like cooking for other people, Phil.

I do love a cooking. Phil hosts the most delightful dinner parties. Oh, my God. I'm just trying to practice. I'm trying to exercise my own cooking skills. It's very cool. In the kitchen. I'll try my best. Pierre, this is my gift to you.

It's a wrapped boy And it's wrapped in bumblebees It's wrapped in bees It's a very tasteful bit of wrapping paper It's really nice Did you know that the honeybee was also the imperial symbol of Napoleon Ah It's also the symbol of Manchester

It is Manchester worker bee And I've never really figured out why We work really hard in Manchester Like a bee What is this No Tell the reader what it is

You'll never guess what it is It's Nefertafel Pierre hasn't had a mouth stroke That is the name of this board game Phil didn't punch me in the balls right as I was about to read out the name of a different gift. Nefertafel. It is a Viking chess game, basically. Did you know about this game?

Yes. I was worried you might already have a set, actually. Well, you know, you can never have to. I don't. I don't. But imagine if I had a sort of incredible polished crystal set of Nefertafel. Never have anyone to play Nefertafel with. And look at this.

I do know about the game because, and I haven't played it since I was, hmm, gay? No, eight? I don't know. I haven't played it since I was gay. No, I haven't played Nefertafel since I was like nine?

I mean, it's amazing you've actually played it. Yeah, well, it's because the Isle of Man is quite Viking-y. Of course. And I remember my friend John from primary school, who I haven't seen in a while. Hello, John, if you're listening. He had a set, and we sat and played it. It's a beautiful mat there to play it on.

It's got like some Nordic kind of spirals and things and stuff. It's got an interesting setup as well. So there's two teams. It's like chess, except it's not like all one side versus another side. One side is defending in the center of the board. He's the king, yeah. And then there's the attacking side, and your pieces are on each side of the board,

and you sort of advance into the center. Yeah, and you have to... It's really interesting it's it's like if um uh it's like um at the end of return of the king you know where the good army is surrounded by the mordor army they're all in that circle outside the black gates of mordor oh yeah so it's like it's like an it's like an army being surrounded by another army basically let's know if you're not a big fat nerd. It's like a siege board game. You have to move your king from the center of the board to a corner of the board, like

he's escaping. If my memory serves me. If you're on the defending side, you need to somehow get rid of your defense and also trickle away. And once you get to that corner, the king wins. Yeah, then you win, because it's like, ah, the king snuck away, and your hirdmen, or your huskkars are supposed to die for you.

That's what their job is. They are your glorious retinue. Huskers. Huskers. Huskarl. I know the name huskarl. Yeah, huskarl. And or indeed your hirdmen.

Yes. Oh, I do love it. Thank you very much. You know what's funny is that on the tour with old Frankie Skinner boy, we've gone to so many Viking archaeological sites and Anglo-Saxon ones as well, who also seem to play something similar to Nefertafel. And I was tempted to buy one. I was like, I should really get a Nefertafel for myself.

Oh, I should really get one. So this is, you've read my mind. That's perfect. Oh man, I think you've won this, you know. Oh no, I do love a chocolate block and I do love a sat. It's not what... Christmas isn't about winning. Unless it's about winning against the forces of the devil.

Yes, which is how it began. It's how it began. It's how it began. It's the day the good guy was born. It's the day our favorite guy was born. He's little and magic and cool. He's born. The Henefetefel... The Henefetefel instructions. Is that Henefetefel language? cool he's born Nefertafel instructions is that Nefertafel language?

Oh it isn't written in native Nefertafel. We should get Elisabeth back on to read it out for us Historic background Vikings I don't know. I assume it's Danish.

Or maybe it's Norwegian. I don't know how to tell the difference. I'm ignorant. Apologies to any Danish listeners we might have from our adventures to Denmark. Have you gigged in Copenhagen yet? Not Copenhagen. You must. Only over the famous bridge in Sweden. Hello to

Simon Talbot, if you're listening. Cool, successful guy. He's the Danish Russell Howard. Wow. But better. Oh. He's great. He's a lovely boy. Oh, wow. Thank you, man. This is great. Yeah, it looks fun. I'm almost visibly aroused by the prospect of it.

I mean, it's so beautiful. I've got to learn it. We can play it together so I know why it's a bit of a gift for me We can sit by the fire Newer than the day we were born Playing Nefertafel I was actually born wearing suspenders I was born with a little Moustache

But it wasn't on my lip He was twirling it as he came out I came out like a real villain Hello mother I've been expecting you. Well done. Well done. I suppose you're very pleased with yourself for pushing me out of your vaginal canal, and

I must give credit where it's due. But you have forgotten one little thing. And then you just... Imagine if a baby came out with a little mustache, and the first thing it said in cry just said, I suppose you're wondering why I've gathered you all here One of you is a murderer

Or if a little baby came out with a mustache And just turned to its mother and went That will be all And made everyone else leave And then it was just a baby In a room on its own And asked us to go What was he safe in there?

Standing naked on the bed. Yeah, hands on hips looking around. Oh dear, oh dear. The summer wind came blowing from across the sea. Rest in peace. Yes, rest in peace. That's someone who we lost this year. Not Ralph, sorry, Martin.

Martin Prince's voice, lady. Yeah. When I was a boy and I found out that all the boys' voices on cartoons were done by girls, because their voices are high, it blew my tiny mind. I'd always imagine they might have the coolest boy in the world who got to be Bart Simpson, you know? Yeah, yeah. But why not? It was a lady in her 30s.

It's one step towards true equality. That's true. We hope everyone's having a wonderful Christmas day. You'd fucking better be. Or we're going to come around there and so help us God We will fart down the chimney And reform into a mess At your Christmas tree Here's a good question

What do your families Do you have any Christmassy traditions Your own family Christmas new news Well we like to have a little thing we like to call Christmas lunch. It's like lunch. It's around the same time as usual lunches the rest of the year. But instead of our usual fare of rice and eggs, we roast a large bird.

It is the biggest bird you've ever seen. I've never seen one in the wild, but I'm sure they're real. And we cover them in salt and butter and stuff things up its butt. Yes. Butt, sorry. You couldn't choose between butt or bum. And we roast little sausages,

wrapped in flat sausages, and we roast Brussels sprouts in acknowledgement to the EU. And what is a little more unique is we start with snails. We have Escargot. Wait, did we talk about this?

Did we do a Christmas pod before? Did we start? Yeah, maybe. Well, no, we haven't been going a year yet. No, we can't have done, can we? So this is our first. This is Baby's first Christmas. Maybe we talked about it on my favorite podcast.

Ah. I don't know. But either way. Yes, well, because. Snails. Snails. Christmas, Xmas, escargot. My mother's mother was French.

And so we have some French heritage. Or heritage. Heritage. And from that heritage, we have escargot as a starter Every Christmas How do you cook it? Do you throw it in a big pot? You buy the shells

And the snail meat Separately The snail meat comes in tins Really? Yeah Where do you buy shells from? With great difficulty I know who you buy shells from? With great difficulty I know

I know who you buy them from She sells seashells on the seashore And snail shells too We don't like to talk about it Please don't tell everyone about she We won't mention she And you stuff the snails in the shales And then you put them on a bed of rock salt

On a baking tray to keep them from rolling about And you stuff them with garlic and butter, which is basically the whole taste. Because otherwise you're just eating a snail. Have you had snails? Never in my puff. Well, without any garlic butter, they just taste like if mushrooms were made of rubber. If mushrooms were made of rubber? Yeah, they're like rubbery mushrooms.

But they don't have that chemical taste of rubber, or do they? No, the texture, I mean I guess, that's what I'm trying to say The texture is sort of a lighter rubber And the taste is sort of mushroomy Okay And then we cover it with garlic, butter and parsley And it's absolutely delicious

And the sauce that emanates from it Which you mop up with bread Oh, like nothing else And that's the start. Snail time. Snail time. What does your father think of the snails? Is he keen? Or did he have to be one round of a years of Christmas tradition? My Malaysian family

at first were like, you what mate? This is a Malaysian accent. What are you doing with all of them creepy crawlies in the tri? I thought this was Christmas. I thought we were having a process parrot and a turkey. I didn't think we were going to have some of these snails. But my mother's like,

calm yourselves. Just go with me on this. Trust me. You will enjoy. And everyone did. And now all my Malaysians are obsessed with it. But also, Chinese people eat creepy crawlies anyway. We eat sea snails, which are these really creepy things that are in sort of twisty shells yeah they leave a hard claw hanging out i've seen you grab the hard claw and you just

go and it comes out the shell and i need that is it alive when you eat it um yeah it screams it's not alive it's like boiled or something I've seen someone, an Asian lady eat an alive gloopy thing. Oh, really? Yeah, I went around the internet. Oysters are technically alive. It was still like moving and stuff, this like long brown finger. She just chopped it. She just bit its head off and it looked like a willy.

Really? It was awful. She was just there all chewing it like she'd made a good meme. There's that scene in Oldboy. Have you seen Oldboy? The original Korean film? Oh, yes. It's a it's a fantastic film i need it's on my list essentially it's based on edifice edifice rex okay it's excellent but there's a bit where the main guy in sort of perverse um celebration goes to like a sort of korean kind of like sushi sushi-ish sort of bar the equivalent and he's given a plate of a live octopus a small live octopus and just it's he's just been released

from like imprisonment yeah and he just puts this whole live octopus in and the tentacles are coming out of his mouth and like grabbing onto the sides of his face and trying to pull itself out no and it's completely real when they filmed it It's completely real That is Because you can't get that in Korea A nightmare But it's such an amazing scene Why is that good?

I wonder Can you taste the fear? Well Asians are East Asians are Obsessed with freshness Especially Really? Japanese yeah

I mean yeah Obsessed with freshness Especially like Seafood in Japan Right okay Yeah so I mean If it's alive That's ultimate freshness uh especially like um seafood in japan right okay yeah so i mean if it's alive that's ultimate freshness like they sometimes serve like fish heads where the fish is still gasping i've seen that yeah i've seen that it's pretty gross that is pretty it's pretty fucked up this is other lesser version of a dish i don't know if it's chinese or japanese korean but it's a sort of Newly dead little octopus

And you Then douse it with soy sauce It starts jiggling around Because of the chemical reactions that happen Between the soy sauce and Yes it's the salt and the nerve endings It stimulates it's little exoskeleton It's hideous

Pretty metal To be fair it is metal That sort of extreme Skeleton bits. Yeah, really gross. Really creepy. Hideous. Pretty cool. Pretty metal. To be fair, it is metal. Japanese, like that sort of extreme Japanese Korean cuisine is metal as shit. Brutal. Brutal. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Living octopus.

Konbanwa. Arigato gozaimasu. What are your Christmas traditions? Just so much meat. Meaty boys. A turkey and a gammon. A turkey and a gammon for me. Exactly.

And it's just like, just a, I mean, we don't eat it all on the day. That would be insane. Although last year, I think we started, we don't eat it all on the day. That would be insane. Although last year, I think we started. We started. You know what we started doing? We started brining. We started brining, Phil. Brining the ham?

Brining the turkey bird. Wow, okay. There's like a recipe for special brine, and it's like full of peppercorns and herbs and spices and pastes and spells and it's all and booze and christmas and it's this mad mixture and it's all salty like really salty seawater and this turkey it's the size of a fucking motorbike helmet this thing and you have to fill this like uh you know those plastic storage containers that you'd have for like students or in a kid's bedroom for Lego? Oh, yeah. Those really big fucking ones? You fill that with this brine.

Or like a disposing of a body in Breaking Bad. Exactly. And you just dip the turkey in it. You go, you should never have fucked with me. And you put it in. Tell the devil why I sent you. And you dip the turkey in there. Where's the money? I sent you And you dip the turkey in there Where's the money?

I don't know And you dip it in again Where's the stuffing? I don't know, I told you That's the meaning of Christmas Wrong answer Peace and love to all men Yeah, men, not turkey Get back in there

Sorry to any vegans listening Yeah, sorry to any vegans listening But you know what? They lost, as you say Hey, no turkeys No turkeys are harmed in making this podcast Get back in there. Sorry to any vegans listening. Yeah, sorry to any vegans listening. But you know what? They lost, as you say. Hey, no turkeys. No turkeys are harmed in making this podcast. No, but they will be.

In the making of this feast. Dinner. Yes, a lot of meat and board games. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Queen's Speech. You better say yes. Do you watch the Queen's Speech? The Queen's Peach I think maybe we do have a little look at it

We watch it on catch up Have a look at the Queen's Little Peach We have a little look at the Queen's Fuzzy Little Peach That's the most Christmassy thing you can look at Is the Queen's Peach Awful Treasonous See you in the tower

I'm waiting for the first Empty chair Queen's speech They replaced the Queen With a big block of ice The Queen refused to speak to us this Christmas So we're going to ask her the questions We would have asked And she decided to come

We wanted to find out what the Queen's wishes were for the nation and her thoughts are on the past year, but she didn't seem to want to tell us. So I'm here, Andrew O'Neill being Scottish and softly spoken. Is he Scottish? Yeah. I thought he was Irish. No, he's a Scotty McScottison.

It turns out I'm really bad at differentiating between some Scottish and some Irish accents. Sometimes, though, if you just get a little A little snatch Excuse me? If you just get a little Celtic snatch It's Christmas day Pierre There's families listening to this around the fire

On the wireless There's a little boy with his chin on his knees Lying down on a blanket What's a Celtic snatch papa? Never you mind boy, switch off that wireless Cheeks rosy like Nazi propaganda. That's right. All shiny and nourished. Yes, if you just get a little

Celtic snatch, then it's hard sometimes to to tell. It's hard to tell. It's hard to tell where they're from if you just get a little sentence here or there. You need some key words. We're going to get Celtic cancelled by you talking about Celtic snatches. Yes, we are. We're going to be Celtic cancelled by you talking about Celtic snatches. Yes, we are. We're going to be on the

SNP hit list. And Sinn Féin, I don't know. Who else is Celtic? Plaid Cymru. Plaid Cymru. Lovely Plaid Cymru. We're going to kill you for what you said about the Celts. About the Celtic snatches.

You can't grab my snatch. I've never... Have you done it in the valley? I've never been more offended in my life than when I heard you talking about Celtic snatches? You can't grab my snatch I've never I've never been more offended in my life Than when I heard you talking about Celtic snatches It's not the sort of thing I want to hear on the radio On Christmas of all days You might take our freedom But you'll never take our snatches Right pal

The one thing I'm alright with Is that you didn't talk about Celtic snatches That's just when they Regain possession A Celtic snatch That's a classic Celtic snatch there Beautiful to see

To see Merry Christmas to all our listeners Who have these accents and find this annoying No I'm sure they love it because they're all so good And a huge Merry Christmas to all our listeners who have these accents and find this annoying. No, I'm sure they love it because they're all so good. And a huge Merry Christmas to all the London Italians who I'm sure listen to this podcast. I hope your Christmas lasagna is delicious and full of lovely little Christmas treats. Who will get the lasagna prize today? It's easy.

I can never wait. I can't wait to find a the lasagna prize today? I can never wait. I can't wait to find a little lasagna prize. The little lenientar of pizza we heart in a lasagna. It's good luck for the rest of the year. Good luck, everybody. Hope you get to eat. Enjoy. Make sure you decorate your tray with lots of

lovely meatballs. And the tinsel made from sausages. Can you imagine how much that tree would stink by New Year's stinking meat tree

please children eat the sausages but father I'm so I'm brimming with pork father the pork

I'm more pork than boy it's a Christmas you do as I say look you make your grandmother cry You make your grandfather dead He dead now He just killed your grandfather

We've gone Swedish again You will I don't know what else In South Africa Christmas was one of the hottest days of the year It's the most sweltering time of the year. When it's 40 degrees and there are arctic trees in your living room for no reason. And all the Father Christmases are black. And you're confused because they're not on the TV.

But they probably might have been. Well, Jesus certainly would have been certainly more black than we like to think he is as he appears on most TV. But they probably might have been, well, Jesus certainly would have been certainly more black than we like to think he is and as he appears on most Christmas decorations. He was probably

olive skinned. I think we can agree on that. Yes. Oh, what I am looking forward to this Christmas is more photos

from Holland of their insistence on blacking up every Christmas. Svarte Piet. I wonder if you'll see our good friend. Justin Trudeau. Yes. Guys, I know we usually spend Christmas here in Toronto, but I was thinking maybe this year. And hear me out,

maybe we'll go to Amsterdam. What do you think, kids? But why, Dad? Why do you want to go all the way out to Amsterdam? Thanks for the question, Paul. Well, they do this crazy fun thing in Amsterdam where they reenact my college years. And no one gets judged.

I'm the guest of honor. I've been invited to go out there and be imitated by hundreds of Dutch. And I, for one, think that that's what Christmas is all about. About black and oop. If you want to hear some very funny sort of... You know when someone does an accent and you didn't realize that that was the accent until they did their impression?

And it's a real like, you clap your hands like a happy baby. Yeah. Of course. If you watch the fantastic show... God, what's it... I've forgotten what it's called. The one with the hormone monsters.

Oh, Big Mouth. Big Mouth. Season three of Big Mouth has a parody Netflix series about a Canadian magician who starts out as like a chiropractor. And there's a bit where he's like massaging someone's back and it's full of knots. And he went, oh yeah, there's a lot of tension in here.

Do you do computers in the day? That's what he says to, he massages a moose. Okay. That's how Canadian he is. He's just in a to he massages a moose okay that's how canadian he is he's just in a plaid shirt your tartan shirt do you do computers in the day i just lost my fucking mind i was laughing all day at that why because he's massaging a moose well but also just this the pure sort of canadian syntax and his funny accent do you do computers in the day because the guy is from sort of Nova Scotia or somewhere. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my obsession with Norm Macdonald and his fucking weird accent as well. Who's he in that? Oh, no, just in general. Oh, I see, I see. Of course he's Canadian. Canadian accents are sometimes so interesting and funny to hear. Maybe that's why they're so funny as people. They're very funny people.

Canadians. Yeah. Very talented. They have an extremely high output of like comedians and actors Leslie Nielsen Leslie Nielsen Jim Carrey God, Leslie Nielsen's so funny

Jim Carrey Jim Carrey Seth Rogen Jim Carrey who's so talented it almost makes up for all the lives he's potentially cost being an anti-vaxxer Yes Jim Carrey who's so talented and funny that the weight of it has shattered his mind. Like in a sci-fi, when a psychic who can predict things can't do anything else. You know, like their talent is so great as a kind of psyker. They can see the future, but they can't do anything to alter it, and it drives them insane.

Yes, exactly, and their eyes are all white. And they often have bits of electricity floating in them and things. Yes, that's Jim Carrey, But for pulling faces and dicking around He's so good at dicking around That it has destroyed his brain And he's gone mad And fair enough If you were Jim Carrey, you'd go mad

Yeah If you essentially went around going And someone went, would you like a hundred million dollars? You'd go, to do what? Well, just to do that, Mr. Cary. Nope. Well, sure. Okay.

Okay. Vaccinations are there to control your mind. I'll give you autism. Somebody stop me from vaccinating my kids. The mask actually wasn't supposed to be green and bald. That's just how ill he was From not having any fucking medicine I was going to vaccinate my kids

But somebody stopped me Oh fuck I'm trying to think of Ace Ventura catchphrases now Oh, fuck. I'm trying to think of Ace Ventura catchphrases now. Alrighty, then. I can only think of, like a glove. Like a glove. Doesn't bear re-watching the two Ace Venturas. I mean, they're still very funny, but fuck me.

The first one is possibly the most transphobic thing i've ever seen in my life where an objectively hot female actor plays someone who's supposed to be a trans woman and they all are so revolted that it's like it's not like throwing up it's unbelievable and it's like it's so it's not because she's unattractive that's the that almost makes it worse it's so clearly based on who and what she is yeah as opposed to just like oh actually in hindsight i realized that it was like quite like a non-attractive person it's like no no they're beautiful i was i was fully tricked i'm just very transphobic um and then the second one is pretty bad on the whole af thing. It's not great. But it's so bright and silly.

It's like hiding in plain sight. I read an interview somewhere ages ago where apparently even Jim Carrey at the time was like, I cannot believe we've got away with this. And that was in the 90s. He was like, wow. Don't say cannibal. I can't believe we got away with this. You're making it worse, Ace.

What's your Christmassy film? Bedknobs and Broomsticks we watch. Last year I watched Mary Poppins, which is similar in a similar vein. Yes. And I realized it is actually maybe my favorite movie of all time. What? And I cried my eyes out.

You did a cry? Mary Poppins made me cry so much. But you and me are not crying boys, Phil. I started to cry at films. I cried so much at Mary poppins made me cry so much but you and me are not crying boys i started to cry at films i cried i cried so much in mary poppins and i i've seen it before but in adulthood it takes on so many more nuances and meanings okay and you suddenly realize how much it's actually about um mr banks yeah his relationship as a father and i'm at the point in my life where the hormones are swirling around as such that anything about

Fatherhood just makes me very emotional And it's such A devastating But ultimately hopeful Story of Fatherhood and family That I just Cry my eyes out

And the songs are so beautiful and the score is so great And Julie Andrews Is fit as fuck She's so fit Oh god young Julie Andrews Sound and music Julie Andrews Your heels are alive They're brimming

I think she was my first Sexual awakening Julie Andrews Mary Poppins Brunette authoritarian Oh yes of course I think she was my first sexual awakening. Really? Mary Poppins. Julie Andrews Mary Poppins. Brunette authoritarian. That's me down to the ground. Oh, yes, of course. This lines up very neatly indeed.

Yeah. Hmm. Did you ever fall in love with a cartoon? Mary Poppins? No, just in general. Oh. That's quite common. Oh, well, I mean, like every boy our age,

the Lady Bunny from Space Jam. Lola Bunny. Lola Bunny, yes. What a hot bunny. Gosh, yeah. When you're a kid watching those cartoons, you're just like, oh, I guess being attracted to animals is just something we all are and will always be. I suppose, I guess the sexiest thing is this cartoon animal.

We never stop to think about how many sexualized animals children are exposed to. And they never wear pants. They never wear pants. And then suddenly you become an think about how many sexualized animals children are exposed to and they never wear pants they never wear pants and then suddenly you become an adult and no more sexualized animals yes and also um i have seen how they like draw them and like they they draw them based on like okay well the hips have to move in the way that you know a sexy bipedal human so it's basically like they've they've covered A sort of sexy Stripper person in hair But only like after the fact

Like when they draw the animation of how they move It's how a sexy lady would move And then they put on a fucking rabbit head And everyone's like, that's for kids It really is That generally isn't it They go, well, here's something for the dads But also the kids can find the ears funny

Yes, the kids will find the ears funny And a deeper part of them well, here's something for the dads. But also the kids can find the years funny. Yes. The kids will find the years funny, and a deeper part of them will be as aroused as the dads. But they won't know why or how or what that is. As I got a little older, is it Helen or Megan from Disney's Hercules? Ooh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Megan. Again, just sort of mean brunette.

Yes. So sexy. Quite abstract design, too. Right angle hip Oh yes That's why I'm now only sort of That's why you're an Attracted to

Women with right angled hips Yes and that's why you became an engineer Yes Your love of angles I thought I might design a girlfriend You thought you might make one from the pointy mannequins Excuse me lecturer Can I stay behind and use the labs for my own special work

What is my special work? Oh, what is my special work? Oh, never mind, I will show you at the end of my conversation. Let's just say it's a Herculane task, as I will be spunking in here. Yes. I'm a Bedknobs and Broomsticks guy. We sit down and watch that. Really?

Yeah. I don't think I've ever watched it. I saw the trailers for it on the disney channel yeah in asia um and it just looked ridiculous they float about on a bed oh do behave i don't believe it for a second you'd like you'd like it would push some buttons with you i think sexually no would it push my bed knobs it would push your bed knobs all right yeah well tap me on the little broomstick? It might do I mean like emotion buttons Oh really?

Yeah it might do Also there's a funny little Blonde The youngest blonde little cockney evacuee boy Going Go on get your hands off me knob And all this Oh is it about

The evacuation? It's about World War 2 yeah It's in World War 2 Oh Yeah Oh London evacuation Yeah yeah yeah There's the blitz is happening and stuff.

Bedknobs and Broom Blitz. Bedknobs and Broom Blitz. And it has lots of... Yeah, the Boom Blitz. The Boom Blitz. The Boom Blitz. The Boom Blitz. The bits where they went boom. Yes, and it has loads of really lovely songs in. Portobello Road.

Portobello Road. And bobbing along Singing a song on the bottom Of the beautiful briny sea That's what that's from Yeah, that's what that's from But can it beat Early each day

To the steps of St. Paul's Oh, it can beat that Don't you worry about that Because the entire ending is an invisible zombie army of the ghosts of all of Britain's martial glory of the past. Of knights in red coats and stuff. Animated by a witch. So it's all like floating. You know, like floating knight's helmets and stuff.

Last week we had a ghost army as well. Every episode we have a ghost army. Bed, Nobs and Brewsticks, the ending, right? There's a Nazi invasion in this little village where they are. And the Nazis are like, geschmitzen, geblungen.

They're like proper good evil Nazis. And they're like running. Good evil Nazis. Yeah, they're a real deal, you know. They're good evil Nazis. They come out of a submarine

and they row to the shore. Geschmitzen, geblungen. And they're all setting up machine guns. And then the witch summons loads of empty suits of armor and red coats with muskets and things to animate and become alive.

And they march and fight off the Nazis. Wow. Yeah, with this kind of spell and all these trumpets playing and things. Oh, that sounds like rousing stuff. It's amazing. It filled me with an inappropriate military fervor as a boy. I had no idea.

So, Ben Lobs and Bruinsix basically has the same ending as Lord of the Rings, essentially. It does, actually, yeah. It kind of does. But it's like World War II. Yeah. Yeah. Well, people actually say that Tolkien's works were based on his time in the war. But that's something that Tolkien himself has always denied.

But then what would he know, you know? What would he know? It's subconscious, isn't it, J-I-R-R? J-I-R-R-R-R-R-R-R. Or maybe the R stood for Ruddy Liar. Ruddy Liar. Ruddy Liar. Ruddy Liar.

Ruddy Liar. Yes, what else? Is there any other Christmasy films? I used to be obsessed with Homeboy. Die Hard. Oh, God. That's very boring. Die Hard's a Christmas film, actually. Shut the fuck up. Yes, what else? Is there any other Christmasy films? I used to be obsessed with Homeboy Die Hard Oh god That's very boring

Die Hard's a Christmas film actually Shut the fuck up We're going to put you in the bin Shut the fuck up I only watched the first Die Hard For the first time quite recently Like two years ago or something That's mad

It's so violent It's unbelievably violent And he says some horrible things He says things like Fucking die you fuck. It's like, I was supposed to watch this when I was a kid. What? It's so, so violent.

And he writes, now I have a machine gun, ho, ho, ho, on the corpse of one of them. Yeah, that's right. Jesus. When I saw that and I was like 13 or whatever, I was like, this is the coolest guy in the world. I was just freaking out. I thought it was great.

It actually shook me a bit how violent it was. I mean, I'm no wilting a wallflower there, but man, when I watched it, I was like, really? Is this a snuff film? Have I accidentally downloaded a snuff film? I was shocked by how incredibly grotesque the violence was in the Hannibal TV series about Hannibal Lecter. I feel like you should be prepared.

I know, but even with that in mind, I was like, well, there's going to be cannibalism and murder, but it was like, mate, it was... I was verging on going, I'm going to keep watching this because I want to know how it ends, but I think I morally disapprove of a TV show. Yeah, I was like, ugh. This is awful because they put so much effort into it looking realistic

that it all looked like... It's like, no, that's a real... That's what it would look like if you built a statue from lumps of rotting corpses of innocent people. Just solve the mystery. I don't need you to zoom in and out of the fucking corpses so much.

Not CSI, for God's sake. And at least CSI looks like a bad Miss Frizzle game, like Magic School Bus. Yeah, exactly. least CSI looks like a bad Miss Frizzle game, like Magic School Bus. Yeah, exactly. CSI genuinely looks like a point-and-click computer game. Yeah, it flies into the veins, and you see all the little cells flying around to show you that the science is happening.

A quick little bit of Christmas correspondence. Christmas Corrie! And again, as ever, apologies for the backlog. We will get round to you. A Christmas log. A Yuletide log. Apologies for the Yule log, but we'll get round to you. This is from Lou. Lou!

Writing in to the podcast about poo. Luke. Luke. Well, I take back podcast about poo. Luke. Luke. Well, I take back what I send. You puke. Dear my bud Rotopodo. That's funny. Very good.

I've been agonizing over which of my two principal poo stories is best to share with you. But then I realized, one, that life was quite anxious enough without giving myself something insane to worry about. And two, I could just send you them both but try to make my telling of them tight okay

we appreciate tightness listeners yes my two stories are called the lowest moment of my life and the Iranian

Empusi siege okay I'm intrigued number one the lowest moment of my life this story began when I was walking to the local cinema to see Mamma Mia I'm intrigued. Number one, the lowest moment of my life. This story began when I was walking to the local cinema to see Mamma Mia.

It doesn't end there. It sounds low already. Feeling perfectly well and not even needing the toilet at all. Smug. When I coughed and, unexpectedly, shat myself. That is unexpected. If you just, boom. Yeah, just like a real casual whoa!

Just immediately. Wow, out of the blue. Out of the blue. Out of the brown. Luckily, I was near my flat, so I quickly tucked my trousers into my socks. Like a barrier. Why stop at escaping? And scurried back home. When home,

I decided to just give up on my trousers entirely. So I stood inside a large canvas bag for life. That's smart. He's standing inside the bag. Want to catch all the poo coming out of his trousers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gone, I'm just going to stand in a bag. Have you ever shat yourself so bad you've got to stand in a bag?

I've spent a stand in a bag? I've spent a night in the bagging area. No, you're not listening to Radio 4. This is a podcast. In the sagging area. So I stood inside a large canvas bag for life and took my trousers and pants off straight down into the bag.

Okay, this sounds smart, actually. This guy's quick on his feet when it comes to unexpected poo time I feel sorry for the bag They're thinking like I was supposed to be for life I was for life The bags are for life

Not just for pumas So I took my Trousers and pants off Straight down into the bag After my shower of brown shame I threw the bag for life Into the big bin On the street outside And returned home to bed.

Did you watch Mamma Mia? Did you just abandon it? I went to text my partner, who had continued on to the cinema, to tell her I wouldn't make the 8.40pm Mamma Mia. When I realized, my phone was in my trousers, in the bag, in the bin, outside. Fantastic. It's a Christmas miracle, everyone. The best story ever. By now I'd started to feel ill.

But nevertheless, I went outside to retrieve my mobile. Unfortunately, it was dark, and the bag for life could not even be seen among the black bin bags and other street rubbish it had sunk into. So I had to go back to the flat and return with a broom and a weak torch. That kind of weak, like, household torch where it's basically not even a light.

It's just like, you might as well have a white bit of paper. You're better for using your phone, but your phone's a bin bag covered in poo. I then proceeded to jab weakly at the contents of the bin, trying to find and hook my shitty but valuable bag for life with the long handle of the broom, like he was breaking out of poo jail. Trying to get the keys off the guy's waist.

At one point I thought I was actually going to have to fucking climb in. I didn't have to in the end. I hooked the bag and managed to extract my shitty phone from its vile interior. But while I was retrieving my messy parcel, I'd say six or seven of my neighbors all walked by, each to witness my shame. That is good.

That's a great story. It's vile interior. Put away your vile interior. It's vile content. Content is such a great word. The Iranian Empusi Siege. This sounds big. I visited Iran a few word. So, the Iranian Empusi siege. Yeah, this sounds big. I visited Iran a few summers ago to meet, for the first time, some of my wife's family.

Very nice. Obviously, it is a fascinating country filled with incredible sights. So, I also went on a tour of the country with a local guide, a wise old sage called Reza. Reza. Reza. Iranian food is fantastic, and I always tried to eat the local specialty Usually some sort of kebab Wherever we were In this I was guided by Reza Or Reza

Reza sounds a bit like Reza sounds right Reza Yeah Alright Reza Go down the pub with Reza If it was Reza it'd be alright I think Yeah true Reza

Alright Reza Who would steer me in the right direction His main advice was Never drink the local duk Wow Duk Duk is a salted yoghurt drink Ah it's like Iran who would steer me in the right direction. His main advice was, never drink the local duk. Wow. Duk is a salted yogurt drink. Ah, it's like Iran.

Popular in the country, in the region, rather. Never drink the local duk. Or the baba duk. That's what the baba duk is. It's made of that. Bottled duk from the fridge was typically pasteurized and safe to drink. Restaurants, however, would also sell local duke Give me some of that local duke

Nah, nah, nah, I want some of that local duke Which I gathered was produced in giant vats in back rooms Of certain unhygienic standards Of uncertain hygienic standards And was of dubious safety for the molly-coddled western stomach It sounds like dairy moonshine. Yes, yeah, yeah. Like yogurt's been banned.

This is bath yogurt. The beautiful historic mosques were a real highlight in Iran, and Reza spoke movingly of their architecture, significance, and meaning. I was often aware of my status as a non-Muslim, and was therefore keen to behave appropriately. They tended to be peaceful, beautiful palaces or places, rather, built in an ornate and extravagant style. After weeks of being excessively

performatively respectful in holy places and of avoiding the dreaded local duke, I slipped up. A restaurant in Esfahan must have given me a glass of the stuff from the shitvat out back, rather than from the fridge, as I had asked. Ass disaster struck.

Wow, just like that. While I was waiting outside a beautiful 400-year-old mosque. It was sudden, and it was appalling. But what was I to do? There was no public toilet. I was seconds from S-ing myself in the middle of Naksha Jahan Square. Then I saw it.

Beyond the queue of worshippers waiting to get in, past the guards at the entrance And behind the Safavid-era Iwan Or mosque entrance There was a toilet off the central courtyard inside If I had waited even a second To judge my actions in advance I'd have crapped fucking everywhere

I had to do it I bolted for the central courtyard Yelling sorry, sorry And pointing at my buttocks for effect Sorry, it's my vile interior my vile interior is trying to become a vile exterior as a sort of international gesture for being about to shit sorry sorry point point bum bum bum uh i pushed the waiting worshipers aside and ran for the courtyard all of my western caution about possibly offending gone in an anus's twitch.

I cannot emphasize enough how disrespectful my entrance into this holy place was. And then your exit. Despite being a visibly non-Iranian man with a backpack violently forcing his way into a place of worship in such an unstable country, I was not shot. Yeah, that's not a good look No, man Instead, I was able to empty my bowels in relative privacy in the mosque toilets

Only to emerge to see a waiting reza shaking his head I warned you, he said About the local duke Koji, Luke Thanks for the local duke story About your dukey, Luke It's old Duke Luke Little dukey, old Lukey Dukey

With his lukey dukey dukey dukey that is a very handsome brace of stories what a handsome brace of stories yeah and set of tales really and and um a beautiful christmasy tale as well very christmasy tale to end on mosques and now uh we have to go i'm afraid We have to go The turkey is a calling But thank you for spending time with us this Christmas day If you have And if you hate Christmas Because you hate your fucking family Well then we have been pleased to be your audio family

Yes we are your audio family And have a nice time Even if everything else is being a horrible Christmas And if it's being a good Christmas This is like a bonus, you lucky shit. It's the most poopiest time of the year. Of this year. Very poopy.

See you next year. See you next year. Bye.