BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 44 - Crappy Poo Smear!

Episode Date: January 8, 2020

Crappy Poo Smear! It’s 2020! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie talk about new years, rogue testicles, octopus salad, How Are You, Raging Ball, piles of piles, circumcision and lots of lovely correspondence! Reach out [e-mail] Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

44 happy new year it's 44 the year the number of the new year yes that's a new number of the new year happy new year the devil has six six six the new year has 44 44 um uh apologies for no uh new year's morning episode yes yeah sorry about that. We were just not around. We simply physically weren't in the same place and time or with any free time. We were being various types of festive boys

in various far-flung corners of the world. I was a bit too busy recovering from New Year's, Pierre. I'd like to block out a couple of days after New Year's. I know what I'm going to be like. I don't want to schedule any operation of heavy machinery Better not Awful Did you have a big New Year's in the end?

I did I went to my friend's place And she's a very good host And she's just one of these Bubbly Good party organiser people With lots of friends I can't really fathom How you end up with that skill bubbly, good party organizer people with lots of friends.

I can't really fathom how you end up with that skill, but she does. And I suckle at that skill like a teat. Yeah, I had a nice... There was a balloon drop at midnight. What? She just taped a sheet of plastic over some balloons to the ceiling. And then when midnight hit,

people had to pull the sellotape off and some balloons fell on us. Oh my God. That's a lot of work. It was a lot of work. She made cocktails all day. She'd steeped her own gin. Steeped? Yeah, she steeped something.

Oh my God. Something smells steeped. I walked in that kitchen and went, you've been steeping. It smells like steeping in here. Something's been stooped. Well, I'm stooped. Well, I'm stooped I had like what you might call a living room Party

I didn't have it I went to one Where it's just sort of some of you in a living room So pretty low key It's funny because 2020 I thought Or 2020 There's going to be more pressure on this than any For it to be absolutely crackers and mad and big and everyone i've spoken to about new year's is like oh we just did it in a cupboard

everyone is just i just covered myself in moss and and stayed perfectly still yeah my father i left my my family they i've left my family i left my family in malaysia for new year's and dad just went to bed at 10 yeah for 2020 my dad just my mum and sister was like

here come join us in his own house he doesn't have to go anywhere and he said I'm going to bed at 10 o'clock that's I respect someone

who knows what they're about yeah I guess bloody hell yeah I guess you're in you're in your 60s. You've seen enough. Like, what difference?

Yeah. You know what's going to happen. Do you think there's a correlation between how insane the year was and how not insane your celebrations are? Like, you're like, the preceding year, it was mad enough.

We don't need to fucking see it out with a big... Whereas in times of sort of economic stability... Yeah, when everything's going great. We go, oh, let's mess shit up. Yeah, we should really have some big chaotic... I think that's a good point. Now sort of calm is the new cool, Pierre.

Yes. Conservatives are the new rebels. Yeah. They're the new underdogs, I hear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Despite the fact that they win everything because everyone else is too busy being a little fuck and needling each other in pointless debates.

So they win constantly. Pierre's just been on Twitter. Can you tell? Yeah, God. Because I'm on my phone a lot. And it's not useful or informative or good. And for every nugget of news you might get, going, oh, well, that's interesting. It's like having to eat 10 shits to get one sandwich.

It's just not, like, no one's denying you're getting a sandwich. It's a really good sandwich sometimes, though. Sometimes it's a really good sandwich. Sometimes it's a world-changing sandwich. But I'm very ill from all the shit I've had to eat. Yeah, I need to try and delete that. So you, Philippou, did Christ's Mass in Malaysia. Yes, I was in Malaysia for Christmas.

It was good. I also had a family wedding, so everyone sort of came back from their various new homes i've got cousins in australia and germany and but everyone came back to malaysia for this christmas and for the wedding it was great a really fun christmas i wasn't looking forward to it i always think malaysian christmas is silly and hot but i had such a great time it was really really fun i caught up with all my cousins my cousin's kids all really cute and fun and hilarious and crazy. What was, what is a wedding food?

Is there a particular food where it's like, well, it's a wedding, we have to have blah. No, it's pretty much a free-for-all. It was all Chinese food. The first platter of starters was crazy. It had little bits of sumai dumplings, an octopus salad, an octopus salad... An octopus salad sounds like a euphemism

for when something is a fucking mess. It's actually octopus salad. All this weird savoury stuff around the edges of the plate. And in the middle of the plate was a fish, but it was a fish made of sweet custard jelly. What? As a starter next to just sharing a plate with an octopus. Just hanging out. And an omelet on the other side of the plate.

And it was a literal jellyfish. A jellyfish. That sounds like... And it had cloves for eyes oh my god i actually got a photo i'll have a photo here it's not much use to you listener but i want to gross pierre that sounds like that sounds like someone that sounds like you know one of those cooking challenges on a reality show like what can you make from these fucking baffling ingredients so i'm showing pierre now right i'm going to describe this to the listener okay so

you're probably imagining the custard sweet fish bigger than i was listeners it looks like the size of a mars bar oh no no it's bigger than that a size of uh an iphone 11 plus yes that's fair imagine an iphone 11 plus shaped like a fish and made of sweet custard it's it looks it's they made it in a cool mold and it is surrounded and there's no breakwater. No, yeah, there's nothing between this. So if you got a bit of sweet jellyfish, you also got a bit of spicy octopus salad sauce on it. Yes, and what looks like, oh, those are dumplings. They look like Brussels sprouts.

There's various goops. Yep. Can you see the fish's cloves for eyes? Horrible clove eyes, yeah. Old clove eyes is what they call them. Wow, that is absolutely baffling. That is a series of foods so strange and unlikely to be together that if I had had them described to me by a white person

who'd seen them on holiday, I would be skeptical that they'd understood what they were at. Oh, yeah, or they'd misordered. Yes, they'd fucked it up. i would be skeptical that they'd understood what they were at oh yeah or they'd misordered yes they'd fucked it up i would blame them for it i wouldn't go like oh well oh they are weird over there i'd go what did you do like how baffling were bafflingly incompetent were you when it came to pointing to this menu that you got a jelly the guys went right i guess he wants a custard fish, but then like octopuses? Like how bad is your guidebook Malay? This white guy's made a real octopus salad of his order.

Exactly, yeah. Well, that's pretty good. We also had a little Christmas dinner at our place for the whole family, all 30 of us. Bloody hell, that's a lot of snails. We had just a private dinner for us because mum could not be asked. Private snails. And we got some catering in for the family.

You know your family's big whenever you get caterers in. Yes. But mum did make some punch. Some punch? Punch. Very nice. And this is how different Asian families are to a Britishish family certainly all

the uncles are coming over and saying there's no alcohol in this is there making sure that what because they would not drink if there's any alcohol in it really yeah they're like there's no alcohol in this right really yeah don't worry there's no alcohol and i thought at the time i was like this is the opposite of a british christmas yes why were they so worried there better be alcohol in this yeah if you were fucking around with just a bowl of like homemade fruit juice like some kind of maniac why why they don't have they don't get drunk really yeah they hate it they don't want it what it's not good for you they don't want it so that's the one thing they're like to be fair that's bad for me yeah well yeah i mean they all

live pretty healthily really god also like asians especially chinese people have a lot of superstitions about what foods are good for you and what weird side effects different like hot and cold energy and all that yeah like some if some some foods are described as heaty and they get you all heaty inside yeah good and um some foods will literally give you rheumatoid arthritis on the spot if you Some foods are described as heaty, and they get you all heaty inside. Yeah. And it's not good. Some foods will literally give you rheumatoid arthritis on the spot if you eat too many prawns or whatever. Really? Yeah, it's all that kind of thing. Oh, my God.

It's the kind of thing my mother had to come up against as a Western-trained doctor there for 20 years. Right, I just constantly have to be like, right, I can't emphasize enough how much you have arthritis because you're a manual labourer, and not because you ate those prawns but then they'll go they can go to a traditional chinese doctor who will say yeah it's because you haven't been eating enough tiger claw and then we go back to my mom and go you see

i got a second opinion my other doctor who is a witch. Has decided to kill an animal. An extinct animal. God, that is fucking mad. It was fun. Oh, I was going to tell you. I was greeted with this story. Which I think is... I mean, I don't over-egg the pudding by saying it's one of the funniest stories I've ever heard.

But I laughed a lot at it. And because it came from my dad. My dad doesn't tell many jokes. So this had a lot of value for me uh on the when he picked me up from the airport in the car he was saying um he was saying he's at a wedding recently of a lawyer friend and another lawyer guy came up to him at this wedding and you know when you see someone that you've met before but you can't remember their name yeah so this guy was coming at my dad like hey phil's dad and um my dad saw him and was like oh yeah wow how how are you how are you and then the guy said no chong and then my dad said, what? And then the guy said, it's Chong. Chong, are you?

And my father was like, fuck off. And this guy's like, no, this guy had to show my father his identity card and prove that his real name is Chong, are you? Chong, are you? Now, I find what's interesting about that is if i made that up that'd be a racist joke but because it's true it's hilarious if you if you made it up it'd be dumb it'd be so worthless if you made it up you'd be a weird asian guy right it would like people could say it was a bad comedian yeah it'd be a bad comedian and people could try and argue it was racist but no one white would dare to if i made it up i would be definitely racist and if it

actually happened to me i would have to sell it to you so you could do it chong are you chong are you how i just love that response. How are you? No, Chong. That's like something from a crappy 70s comedy where it's the sequel and for no reason they go to China. All the writers are like, right, we'll bust out all the Asian name jokes. It is some Rush Hours 2 stuff. That is exactly the flavor. Chong, how are you?

Chong, how are you? And now we're in danger of entering into a whole new realm of racism. That is exactly the flavor. Chung-Ah-Yoo! Chung-Ah-Yoo, yeah. And now we're in danger of entering into a whole new realm of racism. Oh, it's like walking through a field of mines. Reputation mines. Blammo! Blammo! You've been blammoed. Listeners, I don't know if I've shared this before,

but that's my private, or our private phrase between you and me and some other friends of when someone gets as opposed to cancelled which i think is more final yeah if you get hit with some controversy you've been you've been blammoed it's a yeah it's a broad side to your public image yeah you're not sunk yet but yeah it puts you on your ass and you can come back if you deal with it right but it's it's you've been caught out for now and it tends to be like blammo like you know someone's like well maybe i'll do that and it's like don't do that you'll get blammoed and it'll just be blammo and it'll all be over for you yeah yeah how's how's your christmas my christmas um i had my christmas in when i describe it it sounds like the plot of a sort of slow paced um the plot of a sort of slow paced and quite grim

maybe like german or danish film okay um about the last of your kind or something no because i had christmas i went back to the isle of man for christmas and my parents and that was nice and saw my relatives and but over christmas two two things happened one is that i'm single again so end of a relationship over christmas as well hear that ladies it's a rough time to break up It's not Christmassy It's probably the opposite of Christmassy And it's very sad And the other thing that happened is that one of my balls Went mental and I had to go to A&E I was going to say went missing

He answers to the name of Lefty He could be wearing the same jacket he was wearing He's probably very scared. Please. Do not approach him. He is dangerous. Around New Year with all the fireworks going on. He's very sensitive.

He could be off a tree. One of your balls went mad. Yeah, raging ball. Nice. Jingle balls. Jingle balls. When did this happen christmas day no it happened on the two days before christmas and i was in the kitchen just just slapping your balls slapping my balls with a hot hot spatula and then something started getting painful they decided to react badly uh no i was in the kitchen inevitably eating which is why all

my clothes are tight now we're just picking off just eating just a constant eating my my my mom is no longer as much of a feeder as she was but she's a buyer sure it'll all be there for the taking is the problem you have to assemble your own feed now but you can do it oh yeah well she'll she'll she'll make meals or whatever what i mean is it's not like oh that i'd eat mince pies if there were any here yeah no there's fucking nine boxes they're in a pile right it's obscene yeah and she won't give them to you but they're there phil and it's christmas so anyway i was in the kitchen gorging myself like a pig and then um you know when someone properly you know when someone properly cracks you in the nuts? Okay.

And it's a real clean shot. There's no dick in the way or anything. It's a real shot to the system. Your whole world evolves for 10 minutes. But now imagine that just happening, the feeling. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like, wow.

So it suddenly started, and I sort of went through a mouthful of mince pie in my mouth i was like oh oh ah you know over 10 minutes it reaches full crescendo yeah yeah yeah it was going up to your stomach yeah well so it reached full crescendo in the nutties and i was like ah ah because nothing's happened yeah i was like what the fuck it was like a mutation and then you know what a malaysian would say It's because you ate that mince pie. That's right. Shouldn't have eaten that mince pie. Everyone knows it makes balls hurt.

Look, Christmas mince goes into your balls. And if you eat too much of it, it gets clogged. Yeah. This is the problem. So it was there in the balls. And I was like, ah. And then it shot up my back. Ah, your back?

Up the sides of my back to my kidneys. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like up in the back and the sides. And then across the belt area as well was painful. And I was just like, I was free. And my family were like, we very much have to go to the hospital for this. Were you like audibly groaning?

Oh, yeah. I was like, it was like if you've been so like a baseball or a cricket ball. Wow. I was like, yeah, we should probably go. Was it like tensing up? No. Just a feeling. so like like a baseball or a cricket ball i was like yeah we should probably go like like tensing up like no just a feeling it was just there happening just they were they were 10 like they didn't you didn't want to poke them yeah but it was just it just out of nowhere just boom it was really weird and so i had to sit in a and e with my crippled nutties

this is on the island this is on the island. This is on the island. In the island's hospital. Oh wait, I'm a comedian and I'm talking in a public realm. Thank you very much to all the staff of the hospital and you were so brilliant. Thank you. Applause. Put me back on Radio 4. You know I love nurses.

That's who I think are endlessly great. And all doctors and everyone who has anything to do with the health service is brilliant. You hear that Boris? Not my prime minister We are the resistance Keep fighting Keep fighting like Pierre is fighting

Fighting my own balls So I was in A&E appreciating all the brilliant things going on around me With my crippled nutties Did you clock where On the scale you were in that waiting room of uh priority or priority no one was like arcing blood across the room it was a lot of very old people who seemed to be there because the thing that they were there for last week had happened again sure okay lots of that they have a sam card yeah exactly exactly they're there going

oh i didn't know my elbow wasn't ready for a game of tennis or whatever they're being fucking old and there's like a there's a guy whose nose is so runny that it's weird but he's not there for that that was odd like his nose was like you know people go like my nose is like a tap and you go oh that's a fun metaphor This guy's nose was actually like That's disgusting But it was kind of impressive Because where

You could watch it flowing in real time Totally Jesus Yeah it was gross Anyway So I'm there with my nuts in a sling And I see I got my nuts in a sling

I'm sitting on a rainbow Sorry I went in and I see the guy And the guy's like So basically it's a thing I've had before But never this badly And it can recur if you've had it once before But often the main cause of this kind of thing

Is because you've got like mega syphilis And every time I see a new doctor about it They don't believe me that I don't have mega syphilis So the guy's like sure you don't Piss on this And I was like right we'll do the piss then piss and the thing comes back dance you'll do this little dance you insist on to make sure i don't have mega syphilis and he's like no you don't have anything in your piss that's all fine it's like i know it's my nuts i've got raging ball wow and then they were like right and then you have to go get a urology thing and they

slather your nuts up with goop and scan it with an ultrasound. Like you're pregnant, but you're pregnant with your own balls. And your relationship with your parents, are you okay telling them, mummy, daddy, my balls hurt? Oh, totally, yeah. Oh, okay. I don't say mummy, daddy. Okay. I say mater and pater.

Mater, pater, my testes are in a bind. My nuts went mental, and I went there, and basically the guy was like, it might be an infection, but it might not be. Here's a bunch of antibiotics. Take Nurofen for inflammation. Yeah, I had a very sore bit of Bollie, but I think it was the bit where the tube connects into the bean

as it were that's well that's where it can get affected that bit that's my bit oh was it yeah i had that i had that around last year epididymitis that's right yes yes you're a fellow sufferer yeah it wasn't it was quite painful for a few days it didn't knock the wind out of me it sort of grew yeah and then i just suddenly noticed oh my balls hurt quite a lot and then i would sort of then it'd go away but yeah this was the most dramatic like i've had it a couple of times before but with long enough gaps like i'm talking like a year and a half gap and it's like uh then i came back to london and i thought i'd try again like be like get a second opinion of like well what is it though and i'm still waiting to hear back from

that but the guy was like the guy i spoke to was like look sometimes it could just be a thing that gets inflamed sometimes like bad elbow yeah but in your nads maybe it's because we're both really funny sorry that's where humor comes from is from that tube oh maybe it's getting inflamed because how funny we are because we tied it out popping all that all this hilarious maybe we need to stop jacking it this is it but then what will happen to the podcast

what will the podcast become with no jacking it excuse me, sir. I'm just a lost bollock, and I was just wondering if I could trouble you for some assistance with my... Oh, don't talk to me, little walnut. Oh, please, sir. Sir, sir, if you could just direct me towards my house. Oh, it's so wrinkly.

Oh, look, you made my girlfriend cry. Oh, oh, God. Oh, it's so wrinkly. Oh, look, you made my girlfriend cry. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Hey, you. Oh, God. Oh, God. So a relationship ended, which is a real shame and very sad. And my nuts went mental. So it was a hell of a Christmas. Did the nuts happen first or the relationship ending first? The nuts happened during the process of it all collapsing. Maybe it's a psychosomatic kind of... Your entire reproductive system was protesting.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah, they only just stopped... Did your dick tie itself in a knot? Did I throw it over my shoulder like a regimental soldier? Did your dick tie itself in a knot? No, I just, yeah, maybe it's like a rebellion thing. But they only stopped hurting like a week ago or less, like a few days ago. It can last for a while.

It took ages. It was like being flicked in the nuts a little bit every day. I got my first pile. Congratulations. I got a hemorrhoid. What flavor, what kind was it? I don't know, because you can't see it. You can only feel it.

Because some of them are internal, and some of them hang out your bumhole. Oh, this one was poking, yeah, just poking around the peripheries of my bumhole. Saying hi. It built a little house on the sides of the crater if you know what i mean it's like a mars colonizing yeah that's right yeah sort of thing it was like it was like matt damon in the martian just planting potatoes um it when it first came up it was pretty big

and pretty sore okay but how big is big? Like a marble? Well, you know when anything near Uranus feels 20 times bigger than it actually is. Yes, that's true. So it felt like the size of an organic olive, like a big old fat and one of those big green ones yeah the ones that come in like like um packages with actual greek writing on them yes yes yeah and there's bits of lemon in there instead of pepper yeah yeah yeah and it's got it's in with olive oil and like rosemary and cherries and you're like what i guess this is how they do it there but it seems strange

to me yeah yeah yeah um yeah so it's like a big old olive, but in reality it might have been the size of a... Like a big pea? Yeah, a garden pea. But it was painful, and you know me, I can be a bit of a fatalist. I was like,

this is how I'm going to shit forever! I'm shitting past a painful mountain! Ah! this is how I'm going to shit forever. Shitting past a painful mountain. And eventually it sort of went down and went away. It's kind of still there now. It's very small and painless. So now... Everyone I said, I have a hemorrhoid too.

Without fail, everyone said, you're going to have it for life. What? Yeah, every single one said, oh, yeah, hemorrhoids don't go away. People with no medical qualifications just very confidently, hemorrhoids, they will not go away. So they're just walking around with fucking bum grapes yelling to themselves all the time. Apparently.

That's not true, though, is it? On the NHS website, it says most go away within a few days. Do you think what they're saying is, um, you will always have, cause they're a vein, aren't they? Yeah.

So you don't lose the vein. So that's true. Maybe that's what they mean. Or you've just been talking to idiots. Do you think anyone you spoke to had ever had one? Doesn't sound like it. my, Hmm. A couple had yeah a couple had but presumably they still have it well but then if they have it in the way that i had it i don't think life would be worth living so i didn't really believe them i think they must be

mistaking it for something else or or maybe they think like, oh, it can recur. Maybe that's the stupid way of saying it can recur. Yeah, I suppose. Yeah. And that's what like middle-aged men in sitcoms say, oh, my hemorrhoids are acting up again. So I don't know if that's what that is. I think some people are prone to... I hope this isn't my life now.

It doesn't really fit with my brand. I'm such a smooth, lovely boy. Yes. I can't really be doing it with lumps in my anus you would lose a lot of your velvet charm yeah if you were known to have a and now that an ordeal every time you went to the loo but it doesn't it's it's the blemish of it you know i i hate a blemish and just even just knowing a blemish is there. You're a terrifying ethete. Yeah, I'm like a villain in a film

who cuts people up because they must be perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, pretty isn't perfect. Yeah, the flashback scene to establish you as a character is you chopping a mole out of your own arm or something. Something fucked up like that. Ah, pretty again. Good, good, clean, clean.

Yeah, that's me basically even even a blemish i can't see yeah and will only ever be seen by a loved one by the most important they'll only ever be seen by the most important person in my life yeah only they will suffer under the eye of this only the person loves me most in the world and a doctor will ever see it. We'll get to enjoy this. It's not what it is really, but... Yeah, it's... It's feeling it every time I go to wipe is unpleasant.

Yes, that's a horrible reminder. Yeah. Yeah, that's not good. A reminder that my body is failing. I had one at the fringe. Oh, and it went away? Yeah. Oh, it's gone. horrible reminder yeah yeah that's not good reminder that my body is failing i had i had one at the fringe oh and it went away yeah oh it's gone yeah yeah it's not there at all anymore and it was bad during the fringe really how long did you have it for like more than a week i've had it certainly more than a week i don't know like a while it was a real another friend of

mine had it over over over a summer like no yeah it was the summer of the hemorrhoid like loads of loads of sort of beach boy style tunes about it well my my and i'm summer seemed to last forever hemorrhoids seem to last forever i got my first real bum grape Bored at the fire in them Well my mother was saying She got a whole bunch After she gave birth to me Yes Because you're straining so much

Yeah they pop all They pop all them up And she said She had that for like years No Yeah She had hemorrhoids for a few years But you can have surgery now

Yeah do you know what the surgery is now? The elastic band? Yeah, so it used to be they go in and they... Well, it's better than what they used to do. They used to go in and just cut it off like a samurai. And you just have this raw flesh in your bum hole. Not where the poo is. But what they do now is they band it up.

With an elastic band. And cut all the blood supply until it dies like a leech and falls off. God. So you just have to wait for it to rot in your ass. My hemorrhoid, oh, don't worry, is rotting in my ass. Don't worry, I've wound a... You remember at school when you would tie string around the end of your finger until it turned purple and got all cold?

That in my bum. And it'll fall off. It'll just drop out. It'll fall off at some point. Hopefully into my pants and through my trousers' legs and then just onto the floor while I'm walking around. Like on the tube. Oh, there it is.

Someone will just see an alien leech fall out of my trousers. You wouldn't know what it was, would you? I think you'd presume it was a tiny, tiny bit of shit. A pooplet. Yeah, a little pooplet. A pooplet. You'd see it, but maybe

it doesn't look like a pooplet. Maybe you'd look at it and go is that? What is that? You'd go, you'd see it but maybe it doesn't look like a poop-a-let. Maybe you'd look at it and go, is that, what is that? You'd go, what? You'd probably go, that person is very sick. They're very ill. You wouldn't trust someone who could immediately point at it and shout in the tube, that's a hemorrhoid! Like, that's how familiar they are with the sight of it.

Wait a minute! That's a banded hemorrhoid. Sir, you've dropped your hemorrhoid. Oh, thank you, thank you for stopping. Thank you. Guys, you're leaving, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me, excuse me, you've dropped your hemorrhoid. Oh, thank you. Thank you for talking. Thank you. Guys, you're leaving, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me, excuse me.

You've dropped your hemorrhoid. Oh, thanks. Well, my head would fall off if I... If I put an elastic band around it? Band around. Yeah! 2020! Bye, 2019! Fuck! Bye 2019! Fuck you 2019! Glad to see the end of year! This year is my year! I'm gonna be the boss bitch of all my dreams! New year, knew me. I'm not going to miss 2019 at all. 2019 sucked. 2019 sucked.

2019 beat me up. 2019 hurt my dad. Fuck you, 2019. Hey, 2019, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. Roll on, 2020. Hey, 2019, thank you. Next. Shout out to my ex.

My ex is 2019. But I had a friend in Malaysia who was Muslim and therefore had the end of his foreskin taken off. Well, his foreskin taken off. And he said the way they did it was similar. They didn't cut it off, but they attached a thing to it. Like when it was flaccid? Yeah, on his penis. And it would just hang onto the bell end

until eventually it just fell off. But is the elastic band thing above the bell end? I don't know if it was an elastic band. I don't know. It sounded like a sort of... Something like a decapitation device from Saw. You know, it just like... It clamped around the head of your penis.

But around the base or on the top where there's excess foreskin? Around the base, around the head. Oh, really? Around what you might call the brim? Yeah, around the glands. Ooh. What?

Yeah. What? And it just hung there for a bit. Around Darth Vader's neck. You know, around there. The old helmet room. Yeah, and it just hung around until it fell off. That's what he said.

What? I don't know if it's fucking with me. What? If any of our if it was fucking with me. What? If any of our listeners have been circumcised and would like to share their decapitation stories, I'd love to hear it. Let's branch out from poo to the front end. To the front part.

Why not? Front bottoms and penises. Yes. Especially because your friend sounds like he was old enough to be very aware of the whole process. And certainly in some cultures, say in South africa circumcision happens when you're like 10 right yeah no he had it done quite late that's right yeah so people why was that do you think that that is more traumatizing like you have this body horror awareness that at some point a bunch

of old dudes were like well we better sort the end of your dick out with this sharp object as in it's worse if you're older and more aware yeah i think it's like chicken pox in it the longer you leave it the more traumatic it yeah but also like what does it say about that's why i have circumcision parties yeah but what does it say about like your attitude to you know like oh all your dad's mates are coming around you're like well they better not be last time they came around the top chopped the end of my dick off. Like, do you like not trust your dad's friends or, you know, like it must change your outlook. I think in most, like, large Muslim population countries, it's more institutionalized than that.

It's like something you get done at a hospital. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It's like in, well, apparently America, it's declining because they've started to realize that they're the only Western country that does it automatically. Apparently it was like one surgeon general like 400 years ago thought it was a good idea. Yeah, some guy just went, oh, it's probably good for you. Yeah, incredible. And loads of Americans are still, if you look online, they're always debating with each other in really angry, huge debates about it. It's cleaner.

And it's like, well, it's cleaner and it's like well it's clean as a solder your armpit shut it's not you know it's cleaner if you never wash your penis yeah it's clean it's lots of stuff is cleaner if you don't wash yeah like if you don't wash it's cleaner to have surgery to get all your sweat glands removed and that is possible and you can do that oh yeah horrible do people get that done? Yeah. Why? Some people have, and this is something that I'm terrified of getting, even though it's not something you can get or develop.

They just stink. But they stink like weird, like one drop of sweat smells like they've not washed for 100 years. They've got like a natural evil stench in their diet. They've changed everything about their diet. They've had tests. They've had everything. And there's nothing to be done it's very unfortunate they just smell like death it's a dang shame yeah imagine that what do you do with your whole life you have to stay in i don't know well so like they stink so much not even a bit of perfume or... No, it's like someone who's washed only in old pee for weeks.

Like, it's bad. They can't get on buses. Yeah. And it's very rare, but it seems like it's around a lot. And you're afraid you're going to catch that. Well, like, not in an actual way. But it's like... I think I...

It's easier for me to become blind than to catch that. Yeah, it's true. But it's still just like the horror of... I could blind you now. You could blind me right now. I couldn't sweat you up. No, you couldn't make my sweat become evil. Full of demons.

Demon sweat. Yeah, terrible. I... Yeah. Well, we... We have a friend, a comedian, Ed Gamble, who did a routine about it.

About circumcision? Yeah, there's Tom Rosenthal. He did a whole show about his circumcision. We clashed. And how much he hates it. Yeah, a lot of people are very traumatized when they're adults. He makes a good point, you know. And he did so much research, Tom, about circumcision and the culture behind it.

He had an expert on from America in the show behind it he had he had like an expert on from america like on in the show and um he really yeah he knows his stuff and he's really serious about it that's the thing is males female circumcision is obviously really terrible and traumatic and it it is treated as such yeah appropriately but male circumcision is still a bit of a joke this is yeah this is any physical harm that happens to men is generally quite funny historically yes exactly um which is fair this is different because it happens to you when you're a literal baby yeah and it it does it doesn't mean you you enjoy sex sort of less you lose a lot of sensitivity and it's just not good to have your raw glands chafing up against your trousers rubbing against your boxes constantly there's an amazing clip of um christopher

hitchens i don't know if you have saw it he's debating i think quite a prominent rabbi yes he's one of the um the really hardcore orthodox rabbis right yeah they're one of those really like far along sects and uh the rabbi says on the subject of circumcision um all i've found is that it increases your chances of winning a nobel prize and everyone goes and fair dame that's a good joke yeah um but then christopher hitchens just goes child genital mutilation is not a joke shame on you and the whole room just goes it's quite affecting. And he's right. Well, it's the thing of like,

is it bad to do voluntary surgery on a child on their genitals without their consent? It's unnecessary. It's cosmetic. Yeah. It's pretty odd and it's life-changing. Yeah, it is. It's irreparable. It's not exactly ear piercing. No. No.

Yeah. Which does happen in some of my tribal cultures in Malaysia. Yeah. Yeah, you get the ears pierced with birth. You never leave it. It's just like a health thing. I've seen... Boys just get the ears pierced.

I've seen American comedians make jokes about how it's a very Hispanic thing. Oh, right. I don't know if that's true, but I've seen that as a person not in that culture and gone, oh, okay. Yeah, it's Germany, the EU, and I think Germany tried to pass a thing about like, okay, no one can do voluntary genital surgery on their kids ever without consent. You have to wait until they can consent. Yeah. It's a violation of the human rights of the child and then they got lobbied very intensely by um jewish community groups and muslim community groups yeah and they were like oh look look who it is old germany again up to its old friends now

are we yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly oh oh well if it isn't germany trying to fuck with what we do again and so germany went no no no not like this It just means a penis oh never mind Fine fine and they Cancelled it So it's still fine I wish I could have seen that show What show?

Rosenthal But we clashed in Edinburgh Hi Tom if you're listening He's busy he's not listening Yes Ah yeah this show is called manhood which is very good ah very nice yes yes yes but yeah it's something about yeah something about physical harm coming to guys is always more funny slapstick and and circumcision and prison and sexual assault

yeah because i think there's sort of the assumption that he can look after himself. Yeah. And he'll be fine. You're a man, so you're strong. And also, you're responsible. So it's all, in a way... It's partly your fault for not defending yourself.

Everything's always your fault a bit, because you surely could have avoided this. You're a man, after all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Why didn't you dodge it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are an agent of destiny is it funnier you should be able to control these yes you're so phenomenally powerful is it is that why is it funnier to see a grandpa fall over than a grandma hard to say it depends on the fall yeah what kind of fall is it down some stairs i also it's i think grandma would some stairs? Also, it's... I think grandma. Well, see, this is the thing. It's interesting because grandmas often seem less brittle than grandpas.

Yeah, I think you're right. I think grandmothers actually seem hardier. They look bouncier, too, because they tend to be... They tend to keep a bit more flesh on their bones. That's right. They're often less frail than their male counterparts. And often younger. Yes, yes. Than their husbands. Yeah, or if their husbands are even still alive yeah yeah given the the

life expectancy thing yes and maybe it's grandma's once you get old enough i wonder where that crossover point yeah where's the graph here maybe like 65 it's always retirement age once you retire we'll be sad if you fall down but if you're a working man it's funny that you fell down the stairs yeah if you're if you're well enough to work i'm be sad if you fall down. But if you're a working man, it's funny that you fell down the stairs. Yeah, if you're well enough to work, I'm going to laugh at you falling down the stairs. Yes, he's retired. He's like, he can't even have a beer with the boys down at the factory about this. No, it's just sad.

Look, he's fallen down enough. He's retired. He's retired from work and falling down. And hopefully that's all fine. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, you could draw a sort of graph of of this Where it's funny and in what category Yeah different colour lines And shit

But you could do so many useless PhDs If you tried to Oh yeah I think they're just called PhDs Bloody out talking shop Wasting our time Oh some more thoughts from the boffins And the brain boxes down the road I love boffins

Correspondence Boris Londons Correspondence and Londons Correspondence And sorry folks we might be in 2020 But the correspondence is still very much firmly In the heady heady days of 2019 That's right so we're gonna do our best to catch up We might do a special soon

Just to break the back of the beast But we will be with you shortly But we have a lovely one in from Rachel Hi Rachel Um No nothing Rachel I think you're great very nice uh rachel sent us some praise which we have redacted frank skinner style but it was very very nice yes thank you very nice to hear um and sorry we took so long to get to your correspondence um basically the first part is she is interested in uh

if the most interesting places that we have pooed or favorite poo spots oh because we travel around a lot for work she says and uh i assume you have the pleasure of some plops and some interesting places i i think it's incredible we haven't been to this question already to be honest i think yeah it's amazing it's taken this long I know people who've done poos in palaces Really? Yeah palace poos Actual palaces

Yeah yeah More like if you get invited to Buckingham Palace or whatever Oh a friend of yours has been to Buckingham Palace? Well people we both know through comedy and stuff Oh yeah Yeah I mean that's a pretty good poo As a country Japan Second to none for a good poo. As a country, Japan, it's second to none for a good poo.

The toilets there are top notch. They'll rinse your asshole like a sniper. Yeah. It's such a pleasure to do a poo in Japan. The toilet seats are all warmed when you sit down. You kind of get used to it first because you're prepared for that cold shock to your cheeks. Oh, right.

But you sit down and it's warmed with warm air. Oh. And then you do your poo and you press a button and a jet comes out and just cleans your bum hole. God. You have to wipe but only to dry. Sometimes you don't even have to dry. Sometimes you've got bum dryers that come out and go... What?

What? Yeah, and it'll dry your bum for you. Pretty special stuff. It's not very green you So very green No, not very green Using energy Yeah, we're not using paper Pick your poison Yeah, that's true Solar powered bum hoovers

Maybe that's the future So Japan, Rachel, I'd say that's the poo pilgrimage That's the poo- grimmage for me the the pleasure of being at a festival but you have an artist pass so you can poo in a kind of mini actual toilet but that but that's only sort of relative pleasure isn't it totally yeah but it's still it's still the worst toilet than you've used the rest of the year but it's it's i'd say they're generally as bad as train they're're better than train toilets. That's true.

I mean, that can be a real unsuspecting, uh, lovely toilet surprise when a train toilet actually works and has everything in it. Yes. It's got toilet paper. It's got soap. The tap works. And then hand dryer works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, and it doesn't talk to you.

It's like the planets aligning. Like the virgin train saying, hello, I'm your toilet. I'm a celebrity from the area your train's going through and you go this is the most disgusting thing that's ever happened i would rather an employee had to wank while i took a shit and in front of me this is repulsive it's horrible i hate what they i hate sometimes they say like i swear to god sometimes they say please don't feed me used nappies wait feed you also the person saying please don't feed me used nappies wait feed you also the person saying please don't feed me this or that or whatever is like a sitcom star or like a lovely singer

and then you're like oh can you imagine being really into scat stuff and having a crush on that celebrity i was just thinking that i was just thinking that how happy would you be like oh you should you take the train a lot. And you're like, yeah. Yeah. Something about it. The rolling countryside. So Rachel says, I have laughed so... She says this is her poo story. She reckons it's... Oh, yeah.

She reckons it's... Sorry, we got a little carried away with our own tales. She hopes it's efficient to pay the bird pod correspondent's poo tax. I have laughed so hard that I have farted on probably hundreds of occasions in my life so far, which I assume or hope is not that unusual. Hearing you disagree with this on the pod would be a very upsetting way of discovering

that there is something very wrong with me, so I hope you have experienced this too. I have to say I can't remember. I snort when I laugh, which is just kind of cute, really. But I don't think I fart I've laughed so hard that I farted once in my life Really? And I remember it because when it happened

I had heard of it being a thing And I'm like oh it's happened to me now So it's out there Rachel but it's not every time You're prone to it But we don't mean to Laugh fart shame you No I've got mental balls Who can I shame I've laughed so much I've wanted to vomit It's not every time. You're prone to it, it sounds like. But we don't mean to laugh or shame you. No, I've got mental balls.

Who can I shame? I've laughed so much I've wanted to vomit before. Yes, I have coughed badly. I've hurt my lungs from laughing too much. Although it's been a while. And it's always about something that you can't replicate. Yeah, and it's something that something like that happens in your family yeah yeah at a particular moment there's no there's no heartbreak greater than trying to explain it to someone who wasn't there yeah and being unable to capture the magic yeah awful um uh however on one occasion as a teenager however i once laughed so hard that i

shat myself great i was at a friend's house with a couple of people and was sitting on the floor of her living room and everyone was having a classic teenage, not actually that funny, but it seemed hilarious at the time, banter. And I laughed so hard that an actual enormous wet turd escaped out into my pants. Oh, God. Mortified, I scurried to the bathroom

before the stench could disperse into the room smart though to scurry before the stench dispersal yeah uh before the stench could disperse into the room and managed to get myself cleaned up relatively quickly before returning to my friends thankfully nobody had noticed what i had done and i managed to continue with my day with dignity intact sort of albeit not quite albeit not laughing quite so enthusiastically from then on a little glint was probably missing from rachel's eyes yeah what happened to you in the toilet rachel you seem different if anything laugh even more because you've you've you've got an unloaded weapon. How many full dumps can there be just waiting?

Yeah, you're safe now. Surely. For what? Five hours at least? Even if you're a big poo-er? Now, I'm a big poo-er. And even I don't think that. Listen, I'm a big poo-er.

Rachel says, Koji and PS also points out that Louise Thompson, who apparently is someone from Made in Chelsea, and now is some kind of Instagram influencer, has a dog called Koji. So her dog is called Keep On Jacking. Well, she's always been a big fan of the podcast. Shout out, Louise. Maybe the dog just wants to be jacked repeatedly.

I learned your language to name myself, and you still don't get the hint. Masturbate me. Masturbate me. That is horrible. What? That's what I was thinking. A dog's tortured voice begging to be wanked off.

Please. Masturbate me or kill me. Something from hell. No, don't mess with me. Please Masturbate me or kill me Something from hell Ross Who has been in touch before Ross is it pass It is it's Ross Apologies if I'm summarizing

Your correspondence listeners but it's to partially Just take advantage of any chance to you know get through it get the backlog done give you all your due but yet he means life just to get through life as quickly as possible get it done walk into the sea never seen again

he says we're talking about at some point Duke of Edinburgh poos things like that a while ago poos in the like that a while ago. Oh, okay. Poos in the wild. Yes. So basically he did the Duke of Edinburgh in various remote parts of Scotland, which means toilet facilities are a jobby trowel. A jobby trowel.

For digging a poo hole. Oh, gosh, yeah. If you're lucky, a bothy. If you're lucky, a bothy. If you're lucky, a bothy. So he says that was very unpleasant. So one of my friends had a plan. He bunged himself up by eating a whole 400 gram pack of marzipan.

Wow. Which slowed his digestion enough to stop him needing the toilet for three to four days. Really? I felt this was extreme, but he swore by it. It worked? Yeah, apparently. Goodness me. Good on him.

Like a bear. Yes, like a bear with a big plug in his bum. Oh, my God. As your resident Korean correspondent, I have a poo anecdote, he says. On my first visit to Korea to meet my in-laws, I went to a hospital to visit a relative who was sadly quite ill. Unfortunately, I had eaten extremely spicy fried chicken's feet the previous evening, and my stomach was churning. I had to run to fried chicken's feet the previous evening and my

stomach was churning. I had to run to the toilet where I was for quite a while. And then I received a phone call from my mother-in-law's number and I had to explain, this was my first ever phone call in Korean, that I had a very sore stomach and was stuck in the toilet. It turns out I was actually talking to my wife's auntie, who promptly announced that I had diarrhea to all of the assembled family members, who I had not yet met. When I finally emerged from the toilet, I formally introduced myself to my in-law family and discovered that my bowels were the main topic of conversation.

Although another listener wrote to us a few weeks back about how in Korea poos are quite cute. I think this might be Russ as well. Oh, yes, that was you. I think so. Of course, yeah, that makes sense. Right, so maybe if it had to be anywhere...

It's all chill, yeah. Your career is probably as good a place as you can do it. It says, I hope these stories have improved your day. Kai sok ja we hai. Hmm. Kai sok ja we hai. Keep jacking it. Kai sok ja we hai. To all our Korean listeners, kai sok ja we hai.

Dear Korea, kai sok ja we hai and may reunification come soon. it yeah it is yeah kaisok jawi hi kaisok jawi hi to all korean listeners dear korea kaisok jawi hi and may reunification come soon keep on reunifying it keep on reunifying it and don't nuke anyone um matt gets in touch matt who's that oh it's Matt Dear Philly and Pilly Oh that's cute Very nice First I'm a big fan I've been listening religiously Particularly enjoyed

Lucky Kentucky Bob and Ed Yeah I forgot about Lucky Kentucky Lucky Kentucky I should do another Lucky Kentucky Yeah yeah I might do one next episode

Yeah Lucky Kentucky Put a little reminder In your phone Authoritarian thought to the day Disproportionately harsh Punishments for crimes That can only be put down To the perpetrator being a dick for example keying a car there is no

socio-economic reason i can think of that would drive someone to drag their keys along the side of a stranger's car socio-economic reason it's a good point though yeah you're doing it because you're a little fucking asshole um a socioeconomic reason could be that the town's um car painting industries on on the fritz and just needs a little oh you think it's like a sabotage thing from for like a like a con for more business yeah yeah yeah yeah body body body the body shops and is that what they're called the body shops are struggling yeah maybe but i like the idea that some scooby-doo stuff i like the idea from matt there that some crimes where it's like the only motivation here is that you're a cock sure sure i think the french call it crime of passion yes i well i don't know a lot of kids i went to school with were like that they would just do things out of this kind of rootless

malice when you're young it's out of curiosity right a curiosity as to what the consequences would be kind of sometimes it's out of a curiosity of if like I don't know just like not a curiosity

but a lack of understanding or caring about other people, like a lack of empathy. Yeah, yeah. So Matt thinks that there should be extra harsh punishments for those crimes. Yeah. Yeah, he thinks that it's like, that warrants a particularly brutal knife to the face.

Maybe you get keyed back, yeah. Yeah, your body is... A knife or knife. We'll key your flesh! It's like all these cars line up to key him. It's a kind of horrible, bizarro, reverse world. And the key they key him with is made of bone. It's a bit of his own bone Another vision of hell from Phil

Good lord I'm a bit gross, I'm a bit creepy I like to be a bit gross and creepy sometimes I hope that's okay I'm kind of messed up My sense of humour is really dark That's pretty much all we have time for Is it?

Well, you know, we've hit the time Oh, okay We can do one more if you want Let's do one more letter One more correspondence here It is from Ruben Ruben I went to uni with a guy called Ruben

Northern Irish guy Did you? Yeah, we were in college together He's one of the first guys i met he's really fun crazy northern irish guy um and because i hung around with him so much i ended up with a northern irish accent for a couple months that's what international life will give you you just your accent will just change depending on who you're talking to i got i had that my college had the highest percentage of northern irish students oh, yeah. So I started people saying, well, you're from Northern Ireland or whatever.

No. Wait, wait. Why did you think that? Yeah, but it's sticky. You're right, though. If you have an international background, your brain gets all sticky. Yeah.

And you just start borrowing phrases and noises. Because you have to adapt. You have to survive. Just trying not to get pushed over in the playground. Ruben says, says Hey Pierre and Phil I wanted to share a story From my late teenage years When I truly was

Living the bum bum life I was back home After my first year of college And working at a breakfast food cart I would get up at six Every morning To make breakfast burritos And egg sandwiches

And to be done at noon So it wasn't as bad It wasn't a bad gig As I could spend My afternoons cavorting Oh I love a cavort And nap off any lingering hangovers A teenage cavort

One night I was out particularly late Drinking particularly cheap whiskey And crashed at a friend's house I rode my bike to work in the morning And prayed my boss wouldn't notice the smell of old booze Wafting off me I like how he says old as in like familiar Friendly It isn't old booze The smell of old booze wafting off me. I like how he says old as in familiar, friendly.

It isn't old booze. Yes. The smell of old booze wafting off me. A few hours into the shift, I was sent into our storage space to fetch some more coffee cups, and I figured this would be a good time to let out some of the gas that had been gurgling away noisily in my stomach. These were the type of deathly farts that would surely have sent customers reeling, so I was eager for the opportunity to release the toxins away from nosy clientele. As I gathered an armful of cups, I happily tooted away,

scoffing admirably at the stench of my own beef. Scoffing admirably. What a fart it is! What if it isn't old booze It's quite a sort of Conan the Barbarian way to react to your own farts My word Is that truly me Truly I had too many

Quarts of mead Scoffing admirably at the stench of my beef Horrible And as I turned to head back out to the cart I tensed to rip out one last trombone note And to my horror I felt my boxes fill with liquid Oh yes

My face turned to stone And I dropped the cups in my arms And immediately walked out of the shed And turned into the alley where my bike was locked. All time ceased to pass as I reached back to feel just how soiled my drawers were. Those days I wore tight black

cut-off jeans and to my delight the cuffs were preventing the shit from his legs. Like he was pooling in the cuffs. Wait, black cut-off jeans? So it's pooling around his thigh bloody hell what an eccentrically dressed burrito salesman very strange um but i knew it was only a matter of time before the murky waters began to soak through the denim i biked home without a

word to my boss and climbed straight into the shower before throwing away my underwear changing to a clean pair of shorts i returned to work 20 minutes later and told my boss i had had a hard time finding the cups to her credit, she never noticed my new clothes Or if she did, she never said anything Needless to say, never trust the whiskey shits And always keep a fresh pair of shorts handy If you are living the bike punk life Koji Rubin

Nice one, Rubin Good old booze Either a good boss or a bad boss there 20 minutes to find the cups Maybe Maybe 20 minutes to find the cups. Maybe. Maybe 20 minutes to find the cups. Maybe it doesn't matter. If you're the boss.

Whatever. They'll be back. Or maybe she saw a little something of herself in you. Maybe 20 years ago it was her. Short, hot pants, filling with liquid shit. I like you, kid. You shit yourself just like I used to shit my you used to shit

yourself why of course did i never tell you about the yeah sure did right on these streets well you seem like a made man i sure am just you think about that yeah uh and maybe well in the ideal sitcom scenario um she shat herself during those same 20 minutes yeah uh for other reasons and was just really relieved that they both just synchronized up perfectly yeah yeah yeah someone a car went past playing the brown note or something yeah yeah where were you uh having trouble finding the cups? Yeah, yeah, me too. Yeah, I was having trouble standing here waiting for you.

Yeah, I had trouble waiting for the cups. Yes. And you're both in drastically different clothes. Well, good. Yeah, good. All right. She's in a wedding dress. You're in a onesie.

Let's not question this. I won't ask if you don't ask. Yeah, yeah. Let's not question this. I won't ask if you don't ask. Yeah, yeah. Let's just sell these burritos. Let's just sell these burritos and go home. Well, that is all we have time for. That is it. Thank you, Ruben.

And see you guys next week for more correspondence. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Keep sharing and telling people And subscribing and reviewing Fuck you 2019 Fuck you 2019 Give us five stars on iTunes If you can be bothered

It's an uber five stars It's just the What you want to give us So we don't lose our job A podcast happened The podcast happened You got to where you wanted to go No one died

And you don't want Someone worse off than you To lose their job Yeah So there you go Bye Bye