BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 45 - Brimful Of Correspondence!

Episode Date: January 15, 2020

Brimful of splasher! Pierre Novellie and Phil Wang talk about their Poo Years Resopooshits, the Frank Skinner West End run, routine and WE TACKLE SOME MORE CORRESPONDENCE! Such as: riding a bike with no hands, spinning tower restaurants, The Shame In Spain Falls Mainly On My Brain, The Pit Shit, toilet tat, toilet codes, and many more!   Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A brimful of Asher podcast, 45. It's a brimful of Asher. A brimful of Asher? Yeah, I don't know why it's called that. A brimful of Asher on the 45. On the 45. Is that how when Americans say on the 45 it is often a highway? Yeah, that's what it sounds like.

Brimful of Asher on the 45. And it's a brimful of Asher on the 45. Because a 45... Brimful of As ash on the 45 brimful of ash on the 45 Because a 45 is also a type of pistol or caliber. It's true. It is also a number.

So, okay, so either Shall I look up what brimful of ash means? Yes, because either it's something to do with a gun or a highway, both of which are very American objects. And asher, there's a brimful of it. Yeah, that sounds very English to me, a brim. There's Asher's full to the brim.

A brimful. Yeah. Yeah. A brimful sounds like a measurement for a Victorian beer. Ah, well, it's by British alternative rock band Cornershop. Oh, yes. 1997. Chronoshop. Yes. beer. Ah, well it's by British alternative rock band Cornershop. Oh yes! 1997. Chronoshop. Um, it doesn't have

any meaning. It's just gibberish. And then the chorus is like... This song is based on a history of film culture in India. What? Since their beginnings, Indian films have relied heavily on song and dance numbers

The singing is almost... Wait a sec So, Asha Bosle I think that's how you pronounce it Is a playback singer who has sung over 12,000 songs And is referred to as Saudi Rani, Punjabi for Our Queen Right

What a brimful of Asha means, I'm not sure Loads of Her singing On the 45, is a 45 a vinyl thing? Ah, that might be it, yes Is it a measurement of vinyl too? Yes Okay, okay, okay

I mean there's not much to this No, we look for profundity And we find it not How are your poo years resiputions going, Phil? Happy poo year! Your poo years resipushits My poo years resipushits are Going alright

Yeah I'm cutting down on phone use. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. And just trying to maintain better mental health. Yes. I'm trying to be kinder to myself. Trying to let myself off the hook for certain things. Yeah.

So watch out world Don't want me doing some horrible stuff Phil's going to be letting himself loose at long last Just arms Just helicoptering down the street This is self care You have to support me Self care is me kicking your fucking ass

I came here to kick ass and to forgive myself and i'm all done forgiving myself how about your uh puyas resiputions my puyas resiputions then uh i'm still uh too fat but that's fine i don't mean to i don't mean to trigger anyone with dieting and fatness and non-fatness, whatever. You know what I mean. I'm not trying to fuck with you, listeners. I am. Well, Phil is.

And I don't need your forgiveness, because I forgive me. Exactly, and I am God. I am my own God, and I can forgive my actions whenever I so choose. That's what the therapist said. I am God now. The therapist said, you're God now. I'm sure that's what they said. I'm almost certain actions whenever I so choose. That's what the therapist said. I am God now. The therapist said, you're God now. I'm sure that's what they said.

I'm almost certain that's what they said. And then they handed me a gold notebook to write down my enemy's names in. Yes, so I, over the course of being the tour support for Frankie McSkinner and Christmas, my jeans are tight. Is Frank Skinner fattening you up to put in his oven? I think he's fattening me up for the pot.

Ooh, yummy, yummy. Just chopping in carrots like Bugs Bunny? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, exactly. Dicing incredible cartoon vegetables that look more appetizing than any real vegetable ever will, inevitably. It's a funny thing. The first recipe we all learn is rabbit stew. Vegetables that look more appetizing than any real vegetable ever will, inevitably. It's funny to think the first recipe we all learn is rabbit stew. Isn't that strange?

Yeah. The rabbit takes a bath, and for a while he'll think it's a bath, but eventually he'll smell himself and realize that he's delicious. He's delicious. He'll taste his own bath water, which is for some reason not disgusting in this context. Yeah, just the idea of throwing in an unskinned live rabbit. Fur and all. Just poo and intestines bubbling out.

Horrible. It'd be like a scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Face melts off. Grizzly. Anyway, the point is I got all fat because I ate over Christmas like Henry VIII. Yeah. You know, in between killing wives, I was just... That's why he was called Henry VIII. Henry VIII like Henry VIII. Yeah. In between Killing Wives, I was just... That's why he was called Henry VIII. Henry VIII.

Like Mickey the Rat. And Henry VIII. Yeah, super fat. And so I'm trying to cope with that. And I'm looking forward to... In fact, it will already have started the day this comes out, but I'm very much looking forward to doing the support for Frank Skinner in the West End. Yes, I'm going to the opening night.

Yes, please. So in the West End, I will be there at the Garrick Theatre, opening for Frank Skinner from the 13th of Janvier. All the darlings of Tinseltown Will descend for one night Of the Garrick Faire in London In London's glittering West End Until I think the 15th of February So it's all go

And it's quite rare for us comedians To have a scheduled gig In the same place every night How long are you there for? Five weeks With no Sundays But Monday to Saturday for five weeks five weeks with no sundays but monday to saturday for five weeks no yeah yeah really oh my days so i'm gonna be i'm gonna become a real soho lounge lizard goodness me i'm gonna be walking around saying this is my

kind of town london is do do i'm gonna they call him the king of Soho That's right If at any point during any time in Soho Square or perhaps in one of the nearby bars You feel the need for a cigarette He'll be the first one to light it for you Exactly Is that Pierre swinging a cane down Being handed fruit By grateful

Market stall owners Absolutely So that's going to be good and here's my thinking phil i'm gonna because i know that's what i'm doing in the evening i can be like a wake up gym do stuff projects wake up get out of bed exactly gotrick skinner on his head yeah and then go and do that and then like i've actually got a structured day i'm living like an actual person yeah for five whole weeks what a joy or hopefully not a prison prison maybe i'll become insane because i'm so not used to having a schedule from what i've heard of jobs they're rarely a tool for liberation no but they aren't good for your health

is it yeah well structure and yeah routine and if if you have the time to make yourself an enormous fattening stew then you will i've learned whereas you know if you're just busy and enough that you don't lounge around and but you're also lounging for the vast majority of the day but that's what i mean i'm gonna i'm gonna make it so that i i use the the the the structure of that gig every night right to kickstart a bigger fire of of of life schedules okay so they'll be like right now i've got a structured life because normally i get into a good pattern of living for three or four days and then i go oh for no reason now you have a gig in uh you know fucking uh carlisle you're, well that's fucked today and tomorrow. Sure. Because it's like a six hour train

and a thing and overnight and blah blah blah. And it just fucks up your whole thing. You're constantly having a routine that's being poked with a stick and fucked with by random gigs. So, maybe, just maybe, these five weeks can become transformative.

You're great. On the last night of the show, you just tanked. You're ripped. Have you guys ever noticed? Your act becomes like an oldie Victorian strongman act. Hop, ho! Just you doing backflips and lifting the mic stand. I'm doing puns about the objects that I'm tearing in half or bending. I'm just still trying to hope that people know what a phone book

is so that when i rip the one in half with my bare hands it's still impressive then it's going what is that why have you got that big book yeah well that's exciting so that's the theory anyway but yeah so generally my poo years res a poo shits um just to get healthier and i and and mental health is always on the table, as some of our listeners will know, like you've said, for you and for me as well, trying to keep sane. Keep sane.

Keep sane in the men's brains. Keep sane in the men's brains, which reminds me, I will also soon be a guest. When is that happening? Maybe it's... Anyway, keep an eye out, listeners, for the fantastic podcast, Rich Wilson's out, listeners, for the fantastic podcast, Rich Wilson's podcast,

Insane in the Men Brain, which is a men as in male, men brain. I'm going to be a guest on that. Great. At some point over the next month, he said, not being able to check his phone.

So I will be on that, and there's loads of cool episodes. The one with James Acaster just came out the other day which is very good he talks about stuff very honestly, old James Jacob Hawley's one's really nice yeah, have a little taste listeners, he's a part of the

Acast family of our stable mates my Rezepushets yeah, I think they're going fine. I never used to bother them before because they never come to anything really. No, it's often a failure excuse.

Usually what a New Year's resolution is, is what are you going to do for the first week of January? That's what the question really is. Or it's a how will you feel bad now? Yeah. Well, sometimes I saw someone saying that New Year's resolutions are quite funny because they're often ways to make life harder and it's always like wow

life's been really hard the past year and I think I'm going to have to come up with some new ways to have a bad time I know what will fix it if I give myself more challenges yeah if I have more restrictions that only I'm in charge of and higher bars I think that'll be good of more challenges. Yeah, if I have more restrictions that only I'm in charge of, and higher bars, I think

that'll be good. Well, my new Pooja's Resurputions is to finally get to the end of our correspondence! Hey, it's correspondence! Right, let's go jingle! Jingle Correspondence Okay that was the jingle

Let's have a little look At some emails From some Females and males And anyone else it doesn't matter We just wanted to say hello. We just need to fill the time. Good morning, body pumps.

Body pumps? That's funny. Yeah. What is that, like a half rhyme? What does that count as? Good morning, body pumps. Body pumps, yeah. That's not a rhyme at all, is it?

Pod buds, like it's in there. Body pumps. Body pumps. Oh, I didn't even make that connection. It's still completely random. It's also farts. Oh, I didn't even make that connection. It's still completely random. It's also farts. Oh, okay, okay, okay. There's a lot going on, Phil.

Okay, no, yeah. It's a lot more nuance than I can give him credit for. It's like a magic eye picture. Good morning, body pumps. Having the misfortune of walking to work through central London each day, I have no... That's such a great way to start.

Just to fight your way through the crowds Of fucking school kids And confused old people Who look at the sky Seeing school children on their own on the tube Was something that took me years to get used to seeing It's such a strange thing to see A school child

A London school kid In their uniform They're like 10 and they're like I'm going to school Are you? Here on the train? Well, they just trust you to get there You're going to get trafficked, you little shit I'll traffic you to prove a point

I'll traffic you just to teach your mum a lesson Where do you want to be trafficked? Having the misfortune of walking to work Through central London each day I've noticed an infuriating contender For most uncool cool things Okay, always ready to hear this Riding a bicycle without holding the handlebars

Ah, yes Yes, it is inherently skillful To cycle without the use of your hands But also, you smug prick Also dangerous He's putting everyone else at risk someone else someone else could swerve to avoid you and kill someone on the pavement with their car because you want to cycle like a cossack riding a horse during some kind of russian cavalry display you fucking

asshole and it's not like i mean it's not uh more comfortable it's not it doesn't give you more control it is only for the look. Yes, and it's only because you're bored of riding your bike safely. Yeah. You're bored of that, apparently. So much so that you're okay putting yourself and others at risk if it means you

can be less bored for a little bit. It's one micro measurement below riding your bike just on the pavement, which I fucking hate as well. I always want to shout, that's a road vehicle whenever someone does that. Yeah. But I never do because I'm a coward.

What I do is I just don't get out of the way. Oh, yeah. And so I just wait for them to either cycle into me, which they never do, or they just stop and have to get off their bike and walk around you. Because they're never very fast on the pavement it's quite rare that they've really managed to pick up any speed they're doing that kind of s-shaped i'm a dickhead cycling in an s i'm about to lose my balance i'm never quite fast enough to be on my bike because i'm not where i should be and so as a result i'm

confident that i would win the fight between bike and flesh. Bike and meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't look like a good man to... When wheel meets meat. What will happen when wheel meets meat? Yeah, and I think I just generally don't look like a good guy to cycle into. My face when I'm walking around town is one of real fury. Which I know, I've been told. Furrowed brow and bushy lip. Yes. which i know i've been told the real borrowed brow and bushy lip i think i think i avoid a lot of shit on the high street and in life because people look at me and think whatever i'm about to do to this man it's the latest in a long line of of offenses and it

may well be the one that causes him to really snap. I look like I've already had shit that day. Yeah. Like, oh, he's had his breakfast of crap. He's had his, you know. Whereas I appear to be wearing a t-shirt that says, ask me anything. Yeah. The only thing I get asked for a lot is directions. Okay.

And people seem to think that guy has... Well, because you can see further. I don't know if maybe we've made this joke already. I think so. I'm like a little lighthouse. Yes, that's all for now. Keep up the great work. Okay, thank you, Matt. Thank you, Matt.

Thanks, Matt. That is a good coolest uncool. I recognize the coolest uncool. It was when I was in China and we went to a lot of them. There's a lot of them in China. It's the spinning tower tower restaurant it's a spinning restaurant on the top of a tower yes yes yes it rotates they say yeah yeah in china every city

has one right and we went to like two so they've all gone like because so many of the skyscrapers are in the last 25 years they've all just gone you know it would be cool a spinning restaurant and when you're in them, especially one of those pretty big, you're like, bloody hell, the whole thing, you look down the floor and there's basically an outer bit that spins

and a center bit that doesn't. You can see the outer bit slowly move away from the inner bit. And yeah, part of the feeling is like, oh, but the other feeling is like, oh, this is great. And you get to see the whole town city yeah um and while you're getting breakfast buffet yeah yeah and if you time it right you can go to the bit of the buffet you want and then by the time you've picked your food up your table's

just scooting past you so you just you just step out onto the rotating part and you're at the table. Oh, a man could train for months in that facility. But it is also like the lamest sort of Russian oligarch thing to care about doing. Yeah, it's a thing that like a man with loads of rings on his fingers says, Behold! And like one of those t-shirts that has Gucci on it really big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who are those guys? Where are they getting those shirts from?

Gucci I guess You know that the shirts are 90 pounds But it is a t-shirt isn't it? It is a t-shirt and it's not only that The ugliest t-shirt I've ever seen in my life And I know you've paid up to 200 pounds for it Yeah I don't get it It's such a

It's the money equivalent of just having your dick measurement written all over your pants. And it's not very long. That's the thing. Yeah. It's like five inches. It's written everywhere. Yeah. Or it's like... Sorry to anyone who's smaller than that. It's fine. But that is the number I arrived at. And I think it works.

Also, oh no, in fact, it's like having something like that written all over your pants, but in brackets. Also, I'm very bad conversation yeah i'm really dull and you would not want to hang out with me socially i'm a vacuous leech yeah um i'll start a fight in the vip section of a bad nightclub i'm gonna send back the champagne because I feel like sending it back and causing a ruckus because I'm empty. Unlike that champagne. Awful. Terrible, terrible. But yeah, that's my coolest uncle.

The spinning restaurant. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Do I have a coolest uncool? Maybe like... A lot of Christmas traditions are quite uncool. Right. Because it's lame. It's like parlor games.

Yeah. Elaborate Christmas traditions. Are cool. I think actually going by my routine restaurant, that's the uncoolest cool thing. Yeah, because it's still pretty good. Yeah, so uncoolest cool. I think actually going by my routine restaurant, that's done coolest cool thing. Yeah. Cause it's still pretty good. Yeah.

So I'm cool as cool. This is a coolest uncool thing, right? Cause you're like, wow, it's like, Oh, you've put really loads of thought into these games and like you all play them as a family

and you have traditions and stuff like, Oh, that's pretty cool, but it's still lame. It is lame. But then we're all at the age now where people posting all that on social media as a point of pride. Like how fun my family is and look at how traditional our Christmas. We have fun together we have fun together yeah which i to be fair i mean

fern who was on this podcast thinks i'm a freak because i'm a comedian but i just i get on perfectly well with my parents all right yes i have no issues with them we'd hang out she wants to think that's a comedian thing where's not it's not it's not the truth about a lot of ferns issues she tries to blame it on something more romantic than just her own flaws which is always tempting it's always like a lot of comedians i can't stop masturbating it's like well no hang on what yeah yeah no that's tempting though isn't it i understand why anyway uh katie gets in touch touch Katie aren't you greaty The subject line is very funny It is

The shame in Spain falls mainly in my brain That's very good That's so good Already I must hear this story She says greetings PWPN And then open brackets Podcasters wrangling poopy narratives. That's good.

Very nice. It also sounds like an American news channel. You're watching PWPN. This is the news at nine o'clock on PWPN. With head newscaster Philip Wang. Good morning. The president today. Anyway, greetings PWPN.

First of all, I'd like to say thank you for making such a funny and thought-provoking podcast. Oh, yeah. I guess it provokes thoughts of a kind. It provokes a thought, why am I listening to this, maybe? About my own anus. Think about your own bum. I'm a proud founding farter of the podcast. Oh, great! Yes, a founding farter. But it's taken me ages

to send you this email because I've been struggling with the cool, uncool, uncool, cool paradigm of writing into a podcast in the hope your letter gets read out. But in the end, I decided it was worth the Louis anyway, because really, caring about being cool is the most uncool thing a person can do. Exactly. That's the ultimate lesson of coolest uncool. Yes, it is.

You have reached Nirvana. Congrats. The apple has fallen on your head. Yeah. That's not it. No, Buddha sat under a tree. A Bodhi tree. A Bodhi tree. That's how we got the name. sat under a tree a bodhi tree a bodhi tree that's

how we got the name yeah bodhi bodhi bodhi oh bodhi boy um i'm british but i've been living in spain for almost two years working as an english teacher and 360 virtual reality travel vlogger what 360 oh so like she goes around filming in the 360 camera so people can follow her and interact and like look around. I see. I guess it must be it. Like a walking Google Street View van. Yes. Probably. Sure. Cool. Anyway, being a lover of languages, I've rebelled against the stereotype and I actually spent some of my time here speaking Spanish.

My Spanish is actually pretty okay, thank you. My Spanish is actually pretty okay, thank you. But nevertheless, I always feel a slight panic whenever someone speaks to me out of the blue about something I haven't prepared for. Out of the sacre blue?

Out of the... Is that it? Like Azure? Yes. Ah! I can do it too. He can do it! athul is that it? yes like azure? yes ah exactly I can do it too he can do it walking around listening to your podcast

helps keep interactions to a minimum good good but only on a Wednesday that's true I usually struggle to make my nervous brain understand what they're saying while I smile and nod and hope they go away

I can't help the self-conscious feeling I get when this happens and thanks to your podcast it's become even worse. Because you see, my default response to pretty much anything anyone says to me is,

vale, gracias. Pronounce vale, vale. Vale. Vale, gracias. Gracias. Which a few months ago, I realized in horror directly translates to,

okay, thank you. But I can't stop. And so now on top of the look of befuddlement, ever-growing film of sweat on my brow and string of incomprehensible words spluttered in response, I walk away from most conversations with a weird smirk on my face as I realize I've ended

yet another encounter with a bird pod phrase of shame so gracias for adding that weirdness to the already Louis-ful task of speaking Spanish King Louis! Keep up the excellent work, lads, and thanks for the laxer recommendation. The Asian food game isn't strong in

Valencia, which I can imagine. I once had Chinese food in... It was in Snossaville. Somewhere in Spain. I can't remember the town. wait it was in snosaville somewhere in spain i can't quite remember the town but it was i mean msg poisoning is a myth and it isn't real but i had chinese food in spain that caused me to wake up later on in the night having lost sight in one eye i was blind in the night for about half an hour. The saltiest. You salted your eye out.

Yeah. Wow. I sort of got a workup and one eye was just gone. Just blank. Fucking hell. And I just sat there for half an hour going, I've lost an eye. Did you drink water? I must have.

Yeah. Surely. I was absolutely parched. And eventually sort of fizzled back. Ugh. Back on. Christ. Fizzled back on. But yeah, I was terrified asian people don't move to spain no it doesn't seem like it does it no why is that who moves to spain spanish seems

not spanish people english people move to spain south american and central american people probably move to spain yes morocccans and Algerians and stuff, they're across the water, maybe they move to Spain. But that's it, really. Yeah, that's true. Whereas the UK, who moves to the UK?

The entire Commonwealth and Europe. Kind of everyone. Yeah. Because it's great. We're great. It's a nice place to live. It's a nice place to be.

You can come as an Italian immigrant and you fit right in with your Cockney accent. And she ends with Let me guess what that means. Sign my door, you Clementine. Yeah, I think so. That's what it says. Okay.

So I assume you're right. Let's see. The shame in Spain falls mainly in my brain. By George, I think she's got it. The rain. Oh, no, it's not rain. It's shame. The shame in Spain falls mainly on my brain.

By George, I think she's got it. Right. So Richard gets in touch. Right So Richard gets in touch Nothing rhymes with Richard Famously Yeah Pritchard But that's just another name

Pilchard That doesn't rhyme Fit shirt Fit shirt Richard Why doesn't Pilchard rhyme? Pilchard Yeah it's a fish But itert Richard Pilchard rhymes Pilchard Yeah it's a fish But it's Richard Pilchard

I think Fitchert is better than Pitchard Pitchard As in you've put something in a pitcher Yeah Okay That could be a new verb Recently pictured Richard

Yeah Yeah Why not Hey Budspoders Just thought I'd share a poo tale with you The year was 1989 Yeah. Why not? Hey, Budspoders. I just thought I'd share a poo-tale with you. The year was 1989. The venue was an old ferry that was used as the base for a week-long sailing course that my parents decided to send me on.

About a hundred or so teenage children slept and ate aboard this rusting old hulk, moored somewhere in the estuary near Selkham. One day, I required to go number twos I entered the cubicle And for some reason decided that today was the day I was going to try something new Instead of cleaning and or placing A few sheets of bog roll on the inevitably filthy Loose seat, which would be my usual course of action

I opted to climb onto the seat Squatted and proceeded to poop Asian style Asian style on the seat I finished up Hopped down and proceeded to poop. Asian style. Asian style on the seat. I finished up, hopped down, and turned to flush. However, the poo I had done had not gone swimming. Instead, it had rested itself slap-bang center at the back of the seat. Yeah, obviously.

And it looked like a perfect Mr. Whippy ice cream. Oh, wow, like a poo emoji Yeah, who he says, complete with a nice little floppy peak Horrible In fact, thinking about it, it looked just like a poo emoji But without the face I must have been gently gyrating as I strained To give it the whippiness

He did that little pull at the end To really give it the peak After he was moving his bum around I decided it was just too perfect to remove, and so I left it there. Wow, okay. That was the 80s. It was acceptable in the 80s. The Summer of Poo.

The Summer of Poo, 89. The Berlin Wall fell and this poo happened. One of the kids on the course was a little fella called Pit. One of those kids who was just much smaller than everyone else and had thick glasses and was just a bit of an oddball. As no one spotted me leaving the scene of the

crime, I was now free to start a rumor that I had seen Pit leaving the scene. What a horrible man! Wow, so confidently he strolled into the role of villain of the piece. Yes, and also he so confidently identified one of life's natural victims. It's like, oh, he was really small and had glasses and was a bit weird, so I thought, well, the universe hates this guy.

I'm just going to add to his in trait with this fucking turd I've done. I just like imagining Richard's moment of realisation as he's looking a bit scared at his own poo. And he just goes, Ah, but of course. The boy. Pit the Younger shall take the fall for this. We'll blame the boy.

So, yes. I was now free to start a rumor that I had seen Pit leaving the toilet that contained Mr. Whippy The poo was then named the pit shit Wow And so it remained I think we've got our first email from a bully I think this is our first bully email

A successful bully An accomplished bully Well so he didn't seem too bothered by it I think he liked the attention I think it was maybe the bullies retrospectively. Right. We're going to get an email in from Pitt from prison. My life has been ruined ever since that day.

Ever since people blame me for that whippy poo. I did see the cleaners on the day they found the pit shit. They were wetting themselves and didn't bother cleaning it up. Will no one do anything about this poo? Will no one rid me of this turbulent poo? The poo remained in place all week.

Hell, it can still be there now. Oh, come on. What a hellscape the 80s were. I'm so glad I wasn't alive. Yeah. It turns out this sailing course was basically just a massive shag fest, but I think I was about a year too young as I saw no action. The girl

I had been chatting up ended up being stolen by a bigger boy, who had chronic asthma and smoked about 40 Marlboro Reds a day. Still annoyed about that. Anyhow, that's my poo story. Still annoyed about that. I'm sure Pit's probably a bit more annoyed.

That he took the fall For a whippy shirt He took a dime It was like a mafia thing You're gonna take the credit for this weird shit Okay? Okay kid? Well take care of your family

These cleaners are funny Just looking and going And just walking away It's a coiled up poo, and then just going, well, I'm not going to disturb this work of art. Well, it sounds like a sort of victimless crime, but

how Richard has described it. I'd like to hear the story from Pitt and the Cleaners. Yes, from Pitt's point of view. And also this mysterious lady who Richard's desires. Maybe you lost out on her because she thought, well, you know, I won't teenage shag someone who's been blaming Pitt for one of his weird shits again. Yeah. I need a man who's honest about his plops.

I need a plop honest man. I need a plopper. I need a plopper who says it when he does a big plop and it's gotta be long and it's gotta be brown and it's gotta be all over the shop oh god that was a good that was a good email that was a good email I think you are I'm guessing one of life's villains You're one of life's cheerful villains But it is nice to hear you recount such an awful tale

with such aplomb and good cheer You're a real Mr. Fezziwig when it comes to bullying Pitt the Younger Oh I'll blame this on Pitt Wait, no one saw me leave Fezziwig when it comes to bullying Pit the Younger. Oh, I'll blame this on Pit. Wait, no one saw me leave. I'm free to blame this on the boy.

I'll blame it on the boy. So funny. A real case of who smelt it dealt it there. So Joe gets in touch. Joe, how do you go? Hello Budpod I've been listening since seeing Pierre at the Fringe this year And I've been spreading the good word Budpod ever since

Thank you Joe One of our good vicars there Proselytizers I recently saw something on Twitter from someone I follow Through a mutual love of NFL I have since unfollowed But I feel it might be worth discussing on Budpod I've attached a screen grab

But the person in question is looking for motivational quotes To hang above their toilet My suggestion Squeeze that shit out you dirty bastard Keep jacking it Joe That's really funny That would be good See that I could get behind

An enormous carved wooden sign saying Squeeze that shit out, you dirty bastard. Instead of love lives here. In the toilet. What are you doing? You have to flush the love. So the wording of the tweet was Okay, people. That's annoying. Hivemind. Hey, hivemind.

I'm in you. Awful. Okay, people. I'm looking to get an inspirational slash motivational. Don't get them confused. Don't get those confused. I'm looking to get an inspirational slash motivational quote framed and put in my bathroom. It needs to be a reminder to love myself. To be confident and not afraid.

Wow. Anyone know of any good quotes? Do you think you might be able to come up with your own there, pal? Because it seems you have all the constituent parts. Why don't you just write the sentence you just said? Be confident, don't be afraid. Love yourself. The temptation...

What he said there is more inspiring than most of those curly, cursive quotes on Instagram. Because it gets to the point, it's blunt, it's honest, and it's clear. Yes. What he's saying is, can anyone recommend

a couple of sentences that says this, but in an obscured and effective way? Yes. Can anyone find a needlessly fluffy goo-goo way to say this? Is what he's requesting.

And I don't respect that at all. This was an nfl player was it no no they both liked nfl oh i see um also when someone says does anyone have any good quotes about whatever the temptation to reply with misattributed hitler quotes is so high and just to write out something hitler said and put it like mahamma gandhi or miley cyrus or whatever that that was going around for a while that meme of people writing quotes from mine camp with miley cyrus underneath and loads of teenage girls being like yeah that's great that is funny that is funny it's very funny it is funny the trouble is that that's funny that's a trouble must have trouble

with it a lot of a lot of stuff i it's starting to become almost like a fetish for me that a lot of my favorite private laughs are problematic. You're private? As in the things you find funny in private? Yeah. Okay. But like my biggest ones. And it's not like because so many things are problematic,

it's added a real layer of kink to me just laughing at an otherwise pathetic joke. Like something as immature as putting Hitler quotes attributed to Miley Cyrus on motivational posters. That's not, you know But now We should expect more than that We should be better than that But now it's like a hundred times funnier because I know how bad it is

Ooh, I'm so naughty Oh, naughty Can't blame this on Pitt Pitt, come here, I've got a tweet I need to blame on you Cancel Pit Oh fucking hell Yeah we should do some more tat attack in a bit actually Because we've been sent

Thank you very much listeners for so much festive tat Festive tat The twitter account has been blowing up It's the most tattiest time of the year Murfin gets in touch Murfin Twitter account has been blowing up. It's the most tattiest time of the year. Murfin gets in touch. Murfin? I think it might be Murfin from who I met in the airport.

Ah, yes. My fan, Murfin. Murfin. He sounds magical. He sounds like he has magical power. Murfin the Magical. It's close to Merlin. Hey, that's it, yeah. Gather round, but plug up your nose, he says. Gather round, but plug up your nose.

This story is a proper bum-bum one. Okay. My name is Merfin. When I was 20 years old, five years ago. He's 25 now. Maths. I was working as a shop fitter. We were doing a night shift not so far from home in Dundee.

I'm from Arbroath. Now, this was around the time I'd started eating meat. I had been a vegetarian since then. Since then? Up to then. Up to then. Well, whatever. We were about halfway through the shift when I started feeling a bit odd.

There was a buildup in the stomach of unknown meats. I thought I'd try and wait it out to see if it would pass. It fucking didn't. Well, it would eventually, I suppose. In the place there was three separate doors with three separate codes to get through, and after asking one of the girls who worked in the shop all three codes, I made my way to the toilet.

I made it through the first two coded doors, but I had forgotten the code for the third, as I was running back very much touching cloth. Nature took its course, and I had forgotten the code for the third, as I was running back very much touching cloth. Nature took its course, and I did indeed shit myself. Being in an unknown building, I didn't know where to go, and couldn't go to the toilet as I'd forgotten the code.

I did what anyone would do. Three codes is a lot. What is in your toilet? It's a fucking ruby. What kind of Mission Impossible bedeweled handle anyway he says I did what anyone would do I went back to the van I cleaned myself with alcohol

wipes took off the very shitty boxes and wrapped them in plastic and put them in my bag as I did not want to dispose of them in the bin you know like a normal person would also I've been making my way through the podcast on my way to and from the gym and I look like a right prick laughing all the time.

Currently, episode 28. Very much keep jacking it. Get Out, Look for Android. Get Out, Look for Android. Yeah, this is one of those automated email signatures. I thought I'd say it like you were saying it. Get Out, Look for Android. Sent from my iPhone.

I thought that was an order from him. Get Out, Look for Android. Get Out and Look for Android. It's out there somewhere. It's a code. Yeah. Get Out There, Look for Android. Get out and look for Android. It's out there somewhere. It's a code. Yeah. Get out there, look for Android. Who's Android?

Android will help you. Go. Yeah, frustrating. Right about quarter past. Who's Android? Don't, don't, don't. And then you have to run from. Yeah, through the fire escape.

Yeah. That's always about 15 minutes into the film, isn't it? Ruth gets in touch. Ruth! Have we had Ruth before? Maybe. Only that Ruth is quite a rare name these days. I like it a lot, Ruth. I think it's a lovely name. There aren't a surfeit of Ruths, it's true.

Ruth. Such a ladylike, so elegant, the names. It's true. Ruth. Such a lady. Ruth. So elegant, the name Ruth. It's biblical, isn't it? I didn't realize how much I liked the name Ruth. Biblical. Is it?

Mm. Mm. For me, it's like 20s New York. Ruth. Mm. Well. Those are my feelings on Ruth. Ruth says, hey, guys.

Hi, Ruth. Hello. Long time listener, first time writing. Just saw this advert on the tube and hope it annoys you as much as it annoyed me. Visual tat. Stay tuned for any personal horrific beach based poo story when I come to terms with the incident myself. Oh, that's a chilling warning. Yeah.

Preview taster. It's a picture of a shirt advert. Oh yeah, on the underground tube. A Charles Tyrwhitt advert. Oh yeah. I get the post a lot. Yes, I do as well. Nothing feels as good as a proper shirt advert. Oh yeah, on the underground tube. A Charles Tyrwhitt advert. Oh yeah, I get the post a lot. Yes, I do as well. Nothing feels as good as a proper shirt feels.

It's almost so direct it goes through the other side and becomes mystical again, doesn't it? Nothing feels as good as a proper shirt feels. Some things do. That's too direct, isn't it? Because that's almost too direct to be tat. But we're so used to indirect meandering sentences that we read that as if it's supposed to have another meaning. Yeah. Whereas they're essentially going, our food is

better than the other food. But that's sort of I think they're understanding because I mean, that kind of tagline now, seems really grabs your attention. There's something powerful and direct and confident about just telling it like it is now. I think it'd be good using actual grammar. How powerful would it be if you had an advert like it is now. And using actual grammar. How powerful would it be if you had an advert where it's literally just, our food is good.

I'd love that. Yeah. I'd be like, these guys know what they're doing. You'd win a lot of advertising awards if it worked. Yeah. People would be like, wow, you've changed the game. We're back to sincerity and directness. Yeah.

It's like the 20s. Have you ever seen adverts from like the 20s? Our soap is superior that's it, literally there's no imagination in it at all, it's great everyone agrees Jiminy's dog food won't kill your dog the others will

Max gets in touch Max power Max email Dear Pierre and Phil he says

I love the podcast I'm a devout fan thank you despite the fact that it is the most difficult thing to recommend to friends this could be because I describe it as a podcast

where two comedians talk about shitting and wanking for an hour at a time again and againians talk about shitting and wanking For an hour at a time Again and again and again We don't do wanking really Yeah we only We mix it up with a bit of wanking here and there But we're quite shy about it really

It's never visceral No no We talk about I don't think it ever gets a laddie on here No We talk about wanks That have happened Is that a laddie thing to talk about wanking?

Because it's sort of it's sexual and masculine, I mean if you're wanking a penis, but there's something pathetic about it. It's a bit pathetic and also men, if you're really masculine and laddy you're not supposed to be open about

Yeah We'll be a bit gay to talk about anything like that. Or are we so far from that type of laddishness in media now that people have forgotten what we've avoided? People have forgotten the old ways. People have forgotten how bad things were, Phil. Have you forgotten the old gods? You troubled me with tales of this Greek carpenter.

This weak southern woodsman. Not like the old ways. Warriors ways. Warriors ways. Warriors ways. Warriors ways. Ways that would frighten your mother.

Not delight an elderly man. Take this back to your god king in Rome that's every character from every medieval thing ever yeah it's great sort of general Game of Thrones feasting voice yeah every sort of rebel king yes yes there

you wear your cloak like a woman there was always some weird thing to do with fashion at the time. I think George from Daphne, from Phil's sketch group, first pointed that out to us when we were all at university together. You talk like this. He saw some Shakespeare thing where it was Anthony Hopkins or something like that. Go, ha, ha, ha, much feasting tonight. Sort of ridiculous.

I've just been watching The Witcher on Netflix Which is a lot of fun but there's a lot of that talk It's great, it's really fun Behold, he wears his gauntlets Like a sally And you have to know that sally is their word for homosexual It's all very vague You drink ale like a Temerian

But you fight like a Nilfgaardian Might you be a Traveller Or have you simply learnt our ways But you fight like a Nilfgaardian. Might you be a traveller? Or have you simply learnt our ways? You slip into this as easily as I slip into my nightgown. Or my wife. And they always clink really, so that beer spills. Yeah, yeah.

Big clinks. It's great stuff. There's like a warrior queen who tires of the courtly life. Yes, yes. I love it. Oh my god. Oh, but on a quick side note. Oh, is that not loading anymore?

It's not loading anymore. A guy on Instagram, Alex on Instagram, sent me another jazz musician. Oh yeah. Oti Bloomer. Oti Bloomer. Oti Bloomer, is that a bread? That was great. Oti Bloomer was the king of the pipes. It reminded me of it because Big Clinks also sounds like it.

Big Clinks, yeah. Anyway. Big Clinks is maybe a bit more closer to hip-hop, I'd say, than jazz. Big Clinks. Big Clinks, yes, yes. Like early hip-hop. Early hip-hop, when it say, than jazz. Big clinks. Big clinks. Yes. Yes. Like early hip-hop. Early hip-hop, where it's a little bit like, I like playing basketball. Let's just be nice to each other. Yeah.

So Max says, I may just start describing it as violent absurd and see if that works. Yes. Don't try and sell the podcast. Just say it's good. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know how you'd sell this. It's one of those You recommend to someone And just go

I won't say too much about it But just let me know what you think Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah I won't say anything Just try it Let me know what you think Yeah yeah yeah

Exactly I'm sure you guys Have probably been sent this already But I had to make sure You'd seen it We all know that the blue whale Is the largest animal To have ever lived

But what of its bowel movements I hear you ask I do Now The poo whale As it turns out They're enormous animal to have ever lived. But what of its bowel movements, I hear you ask? I do. Now, as it turns out, they're enormous and have a breadcrumb-like consistency. Interesting. And they're bright yellow. For your viewing pleasure

slash depraved curiosity, here's a short but informative video on the subject that I came across in one of my strolls through the internet. Please! The jaunty faux reggae music is the sort of thing we should all be shitting to in this day and age. Also, how long do you think they were following this poor whale before it finally defecated? If someone chased

me with a camera and a helicopter, I'd never be able to get comfortable. Anyway, enjoy, and for the love of God, keep jacking it. Max. Thanks, Max. I'll try. We might tweet the video, but I'd certainly want to put it on to hear this jaunty reggae music. Wow. I'll try. We might tweet the video but I'd certainly want to put it on to hear this jaunty reggae music.

That is even not playing yet. Where's the poo? Four tons of krill day. Yep. Oh, there it comes. Oh my god. Right out the tail. Yeah. Wow, that is yellow. Bright yellow. It's almost glowing. It's said

to smell like dog poo. Oh, horrible. Yikes. What do they mean the consistency of breadcrumbs? They're in the sea. Breadcrumbs if they were in the sea or if they weren't in the sea. Breadcrumbs. You wouldn't want to swim through that. It's the consistency of breadcrumbs. You were telling me about that surfer who swam into a poo.

Yeah. You wouldn't want to swim through the breadcrumb poo. At least you'd see it coming, though, something that yellow. It's quite an incredible luminosity. You could signal an airstrike with that kind of dump. It would. Oh, my God. There's so much correspondence

guys. We're so... We're doing our best. We're so sick of it. Right. Victoria has sent us a tatatac. Oh lovely. Tatatac. It's the cat's house we just pay the mortgage oh god oh man yes cat tat cat tat cat tat yeah cat cat like dog tat is really horrible as well yeah but cat tat is you know it's. CatTat has a special place in hell

because the internet is so performatively obsessed with cats. Yeah. Here's an interesting thing because the other day, Ricky Gervais, the Golden Globes. Yeah. And we're approaching a point where performatively hating Ricky Gervais is as annoying as Ricky Gervais. We're not there yet, are we?

No, but we're approaching it. He's still more annoying. But people who are like, I can't wait for Ricky Gervais to do the thing he does all the time so I can do a big thing about how much I think it's bad. It's tiring. It's like how it used to be more funny and alternative to be annoyed by sports.

And now performative anti-sport rhetoric is more annoying. You're right. Even than sports. Okay. So look, we're approaching the singularity is what i'm saying it could take a few more years but we're on our way has he said something about stop bother leave whales alone when they're trying to take a shit because he likes his animals yeah he's obsessed with animals and not people which is a sign of a sociopath yeah I don't trust anyone who has like dogs are better than people dogs are better than you

your slave that you keep in the house your dog is better than you I'll give you that I'm in favour of pets, I like pets but don't pretend that it's like an equivalent that they've gone to school and learnt a dog's never done mortgage fraud.

Despite the many opportunities dogs have to do that. No, it's ridiculous. I'm so suspicious of anyone with loads of empathy for animals and none for people. That really something's... I don't like it at all. It just implies something so sinister. Hitler was an animal lover, of course. And I think that says all

I need to say about that We have a very very long email from Barnabas Long email from a long name So here's the thing Barnabas. Long email from a long name. Well, so here's the thing. Barnabas, I'm going to do my best to... Best-a-bus? I'm going to do my best-a-bus.

Barnabas, I'm going to do my best-a-bus to read-a-bus or email-a-bus. Okay, but I can't promise you that we'll get through all of it, because even his own subject line is, a very long email. Oh, no. It's so long. Dear Phil IPAa and pierre nod i like that perno piano piano piano yes i know it's shit but i couldn't think of another pun i should have just stuck with p squared this email has been a long time coming hence it's a long one so first may i thank you for taking the time to

read it uh then he says some very nice things. He is in his first six weeks of uni. He's a fresher. He's a fresh boy. Good on you, Barnabas. Join some societies. Societibus. Join a Societibus, Barnabas, now that you're a freshibus at Universibus. Hope you've chosen the right syllabus.

Yes, yes. Use an abacus to count syllabi anyway like all good podcasts i found myself trying to shoehorn your various catchphrases into conversation a particular favorite of mine is when i shouted keep on jacking it to a historian who left the kitchen saying well i now need to go and bash it out over this essay although it doesn't quite work i couldn't resist the thought uh resist as i love the sorry, of him handing in sticky jizz pages About the Protestant Reformation To his tutor

Whilst here Suffering from freshers flu I have had my weirdest normal Most normal weird thought Looking at the nasal spunk Spaffed into the tissue you are holding I can't decide where this falls On the Louis line of weirdness

because it's definitely normal, like looking in your tissue. Yeah. But it's also undeniably weird. I certainly wouldn't want to be caught looking at this sort of paper. Yeah, you're right. What are you doing? Nothing? Nothing.

That's true, that's true. You don't want to like peering into this because you'd have to sort of peel it Oh that's in here Have a little peep You want to look don't you You have to look There could be blood in there

You could be panicking There could be a new friend A hemorrhoid A nose A nose A nose A nose pile I wouldn't want to be caught doing it

But I do have an immediate reaction of mild disgust when I see other people doing it. Perhaps it is more normal than weird, though, as it does make sense to keep track of what you're forcing out of your nose. Keep tracking it. I do have a coolest, uncool, uncoolest, cool, cool, cool thing, though,

that I think... Barnabas is saying this is on the Louis line. Okay, bang on the Louis line. Drinking the classic childhood juice drinks in a carton, but without using a straw. So he's sucking it straight out the hole i think so as a kid in the canteen not using the straw was the height of coolness that's true was as close to being a renegade as you could get when your whole life was regimented and i think this coolness has continued into burgeoning adulthood however when i have done this in front of people at uni they make a sarcastic comment

to the effect of oh the cool kid's sitting with us today that's funny hmm yeah i think i think it yeah it is cool if you're 14 yes this is an age-dependent louis line position by uni that first year of uni is when you find out to your shock what things have suddenly stopped being cool yes and no one told you yes um and also it's not like if you saw a kid trying to drink a thing without the straw younger like at like seven you think that kid's too stupid to know how to drink a drink properly you'd be worried about that kid's an idiot yeah you'd think you'd be like no no here's the straw you wouldn't go hey keep rocking wear your Cool kid. Keep rocking. Wear your sunglasses, kid. You're cool. Oh my god.

In reference to Phil's I fucked a dog story, I have a friend of a friend who was once in a somewhat similar position. With me, I hope, and not the guy. When this girl, let's call her Jackie Russell in the bedsheets, not as posh as this made-up surname implies. When Jackie was 15, she woke up in the middle of the night to her small dog licking her grate downstairs. Wow. And in her own words, didn't do anything to stop it.

Okay. There's a lot there. Although I haven't spoken to Jackie in several months, I believe she is mostly doing well. So the sexual experience she had with the dog may not be the only thing to blame for that unfortunate man's unfortunate circumstances. Imagine waking up and your dog's doing that and just going, alright.

Just shrugging. Well, the difference there is between giving and receiving, isn't it? One gave and one received. Yes, and also she can say to herself, I wasn't awake to entice this. Yeah.

This isn't on me. I don't have to feel guilty about tricking my dog. Hey, I'm just an observer. I woke up and this was happening, and back to bed I went. I'm just a bystander here. God. Bold of Jackie, whoever she may be be to unload the story presumably in the

first week or first term you could have to tell anyone i mean the the forest of nicknames that could arise but the things also the things that you're suddenly willing to tell people that you need to put yourself on the map you know yeah yeah yeah hey at least I'm on the map. I may be dog pussy girl, but I'm on the map. I might be old popalingus, but at least people know my name. Pedigree chum. Nice. The roughest bird on campus. That's all right.

Yeah. yeah um that's so funny i think that's all i got though um something about bad to see dogs homewrecker i don't know something there you could sit with a pen and paper and get a good like like really good 20 or so of these. Yeah. Were you so inclined? Were you so inclined? Anyway, that's pretty much it. Also, Barnabas says, P.S.

his name's actually Charlie. Oh. But there's already been so many Charlies writing in, and they have. Okay, well, appreciated, Barnabas. So he's picked Barnabas. Thanks, Barnabas. Thanks, Barnabas. Really helped us out there. That's kind of it, really. Yeah, we've run out of time. Oh, no more time. We're still barely in December.

Gosh, in terms of correspondence. Sorry, listeners. We'll do our best. We'll get to you. But have a wonderful week. We'll get to you. Thank you for joining us with your ears. Yes.

Thank you for ear-joining us. And have a wonderful time. We'll see you next time. See you next time. We'd say to get in touch, but, um, well,

I mean, I guess do. Yeah. But be pessimistic. Yeah. Don't, don't think that if we don't read it out by one week later, we haven't,

you know, we're not gonna. Yeah. It'll just be a year or two. Yeah. Bye. Bye.