BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 46 - BirthPod!

Episode Date: January 22, 2020

Phil’s birth pod! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss Wikipedia identity theft, Birthday Pods, gambling and monkey brain, zoos, going to the dentist, being near-mint condition, tat attack AND correspondence! Orwell’s apps, bum bubbles. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the 46th time that we've recorded this podcast for you. And today, if you're listening to this podcast on release day, Wednesday, the 22nd of January 2020, it's my birthday! Happy birthday, Phil. Happy pod birthday. I'm 30 years old! Are you trentrente? Trentel? Um? Trentenillo. Is that what it is? I don't know. Is that three zero?

Three zero. Oh no. Tres zero. Tres zero. Something like that. Yeah. Is it unwise to announce your birthday date on... I was just thinking, what's your mother's maiden name? And what was your first pet called? I always think that when you look at a celebrity's Wikipedia page, they have their birthday and year of birth and their signature.

On the what? On the Wikipedia page of a celebrity. Oh, yeah. So weird. And I just, you look at it and you're like, this can't be. They must have a special different signature. Yeah, yeah. it's so odd. Because now people accept digital contracts.

You can just pick that up and just plonk it. Yeah, and go, you'll never guess who's just joined us here at Costa Coffee. It's Ozzy Osbourne. He's just signed up for a one-month internship of the barista program. Yeah. Crazy. Excuse me, Mr. Craig, but you've agreed to give me £20,000 a week for the rest of my life. So cough up, Danny, baby!

You don't remember because it was during Bond. It was during Bond, and here's another contract you signed to agree that you won't remember. Yes, and you're a man of your word. Yeah, there's a third contract where you've agreed that you're a man of your word. So you've forgotten, like a good person would do. Whatever you come back at me with, Daniel, I will have a contract with him

in a matter of minutes that says otherwise. And the contract happens to be full of digressions full of facts that only you could know. Yeah. Or someone who's bothered to read your IMDb trivia page. So it's a big day for me, 30. People are like, oh, you must be dreading 30. And I was saying yesterday to someone that I've dreaded the dread.

Oscar Wilde was right. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. And I was afraid of the fear of being 30. And then when it came to the actual time, yeah, it's fine. I think you're right, because I'm more worried about I will soon. And I think it might actually come on the release date

exactly after your birthday. I think our birthdays are exactly seven days apart. So this is your birth part, and the next one will be my birth part. I'm more worried about turning 29, because then I'm going to have my last year of my 20s for a whole year. That's like a whole year of going, this is my last year of my 20s. Whereas once you're 30, you go, well, this is it then. It's sort of like a new start.

No, you're just worrying about it That's why I was saying Who was I saying this to the other day The fact that avoiding Brexit is now completely fucking impossible It's very relaxing It is it's great It's terrible but it's great Because it's like no no no it's all fuck now

Because for as long as people were like Maybe if the speaker invokes the medieval rule and the moon is bright and maybe if the queen wears the right brooch that means that it won't it's the hope that kills you that's what yeah yeah yeah and all these desperate people going in 1237 a particular crown was used to blah and yeah just on and on with this desperate like they're all talking like gambling addicts yeah you know maybe what what if what if just the next time is 21 yeah exactly you know blackjack you know there's a formula whereas now everything's on fire so fine speaking of gambling um on my birthday a bunch of people came and um i got like

a joke present from them. It was a scratch card. They gave me a scratch card. And I took it home and I scratched it. Yep. And I won 20 pounds. Really? Yeah, I picked it up today.

I won 20 pounds of cash. I don't gamble. I never ever gamble. And the first scratch card I've ever had in my position, I won 20 pounds. That's very bad luck, technically. Yeah, in the long run, it's terrible luck. This is the start of your decline. Yeah.

You know, the comedian Norm MacDonald, who I'm quite obsessed with, he was saying on a podcast somewhere, maybe it was Marc Maron, he was saying he's lost everything three times. Right. Through gambling. Really? Everything. Three times.

Wow. Yeah. And he says the reason is the first time he ever gambled he went to vegas he went to a casino he was on tv i think he was already like quite famous like he was doing well and it was this whole great experience let's go to vegas and he won on the craps table you know the dice when they go snake eyes in movies he rolled like however many sevens in a row. And he ended up, and this is like the late 80s, early 90s, he ended up winning something like $25,000. In a night?

Wow. And it's a Vegas-style hospitality. So there's all like sexy ladies around you, free drinks on the house, they upgrade you to the president's suite, treated like a hero. And he said it was the unluckiest thing that ever happened to him because he was always chasing the high of just coming in off the street having never gambled and leaving like with what is

what in today's money were $100,000 Crazy It's like just walking in somewhere having never had a cigarette and you just get a shot of heroin into your arm and you just have to go back out and try and resume your old life yeah yeah you have to go back to enjoying you know chamomile tea because in my head now and i've had to battle with the monkey part of my brain that's screaming

at me now every time you buy a scratch card you get 20 pounds open more of those coconuts yeah exactly that's all it is that's all it's. That's all it's there, yeah. Those coconuts, it was delicious. It's in there now. Get it. Get it, get it, get it. It's so satisfying going to the cashier and giving them something, and then they give me money. It's so odd.

Giving them a damaged piece of paper. I felt embarrassed. I was like, this can't be right. I walked up to the guy. I was like, can I cash this in? And I handed him this folded piece of scratched cardboard and he went yep and he just picked it up went over to the corner and just got himself a ticket opened the cash register took out two tenors and there you go it was it

felt so weird that is insane that is mad hang on my my pop shield is moving around sorry listeners if it sounds like i was rubbing the microphone on my beard thoughtfully um although i will do that someday uh yeah it's mad isn't it and like you said the monkey part of your brain is the part not to trust yeah i mean that's the part where you just it thinks everything is fruit or fucking yeah or both if it's red put it in your mouth yeah it's like come on it doesn't work on everything. If it's stripey, then keep an eye on it. Yeah. That more or less does work out, although it is not so much

so necessary in the city. No, it's harder to justify in central London. Yeah, unless you're at Regent's Park Zoo. In which case, really listen to the monkey part of your brain. The closer to any zoo animals you are. Yeah.

I haven't been to a zoo in a very long time. Do you think they're cruel? I think the ones that I seem to see in Eastern Europe and Asia are cruel. Oh, yeah. The worst, like the poor of the country, the cruel of the zoo. That's the way. So much by an exponential relationship. Yeah.

In Malaysia, I remember in in bonio we just went to we were told like there's a crocodile uh sanctuary we're gonna go have a look at the crocodile we turned up and we're like where's the crocodile and this sort of farmer just comes out and he just points at this concrete pit yeah in the ground with a cage over it and we look through the bars of the cage and it's just it's just a big fat crocodile in this descended pit concrete pit um and i mean the pit is so small i don't even think it could turn around oh like a silence of the lambs crocodile and it's like there it is and oh oh no god there's something not right about feeling sorry for your natural predator. And also feeling sorry for a natural predator who is the definition of a merciless, loveless lizard brain. Yeah, one of the oldest animals on the earth.

Yeah, like, yeah, the cruelty and blank, the dead eyes of a dinosaur. Yeah, that's it, yeah. And you're still like, no. Oh, that's unkind. Oh, don't do that to the dinosaur. Yeah. Concrete. If you're in a poor country, all the zoo designers seem to just be like, concrete pits?

Concrete pits. Well, our life is quite hard. I don't see why the animals should have a better time. We only recently got concrete pits. So we're going to give the animals the best we have in concrete pits. Yeah. Whereas like, yeah, a lot of African countries do well with just leaving them in the wild in a big scale. Of course, because you've got the space.

You've got the space. Whereas, you know, just on the edge of an Asian megacity, you're going to have to be concrete pits all the way. Asian megacity. It's going to have to be concrete pits all the way. What would be... I guess... Maybe it's less cruel if it's like a budgie because budgies can live in cages and things like birds. What, like they don't mind?

Well, they don't seem to mind that much. I don't know. But I hate it when it's like a gorilla. Right. It's like it's so close. It's smart enough to play most human video games to a high standard really yeah yeah well he's like really smart fortnight just nailing it just got like the headset on yeah

yeah i fucked your mom i fucked your mom really yeah Trolling all these kids In the Midwest With the birds and cages thing I've always felt like It's always like mocking birds Or like singing birds Birds with a turn Birds with a trick, with a song They always feel like

For me it's like They're in the equivalent of their ghetto And they're trying to get out by landing you know a recording contract or trying to get big and so this is their skill to me yeah yeah yeah maybe if i nail this song they'll let me out of this cage i repeat everything they say back to them hello hello hello hello pretty Hello. Hello. Pretty good, right? Let me out. Hey, I love you. Like just. You wouldn't cage someone who loves you, would you?

Every time. Yeah. Every time they do it, they're thinking, maybe this is the phrase that means they'll let me out. Maybe this is the password. God, that's tragic. Just let me out. And then imagine. Yeah.

If you heard your bird just going, let me out. You'd probably do it out of fear. Yeah, I guess. And I guess that's right, because you never say let me out just walking around the house, do you? No. So they wouldn't know what it sounds like. Yeah, that's it. You never say the sort of thing they might want to say.

That's the catch, isn't it? That's the tragedy of it all and there's always that barrier between like um yeah it's cruel to keep animals in captivity of a certain kind but also nature is horrible and they will die by having their face eaten so but then is it kind of to give them freedom even if the cost of that freedom is the high chance i'll get their face eaten yeah well that's that's why like my preferred scenario is is nature reserves or really like plush enclosures yes you know when the enclosure is like you look at it and you're like this this is like a service department for you yeah there's toys yeah yeah there's meal service

yeah it's all balanced and you get your injections for vaccines. They literally give you someone to fuck. They just shove someone to fuck in your house. And everyone's cheering you on to fuck. Yeah, all these people have paid money to come and go, fuck that other guy, do it now. Government subsidized fucking. China's paid for you to fuck it.

A diplomatic agreement had to be signed for you to be able to fuck. And here it is. You know those Chinese pandas in Brazil were sent back to China because they failed to fuck. Really? Yeah, they were exiled. They were sexiled. They were sent back to China because they didn't fuck.

You pandas have me fucked. We've been must sold. You guys say these are fucking pandas. There's nearly. We've been must sold. You guys said these were fucking pandas. There's nary been a single shag. There's been nae riding going on. We were promised a ride.

What do you think? What do you think? So you think you'll wake up? They didn't get to fuck. So now they got to get to fuck. You didn't get to fuck, so get to fuck. Panda's confused, like what?

Panda's not. Eating some deep fried bamboo. History. History is important. History matters to us all. And history certainly matters to us here at Lucky Kentucky Bourbon. Lucky Kentucky was founded in the early 1800s by our founder, though we like to call him

Grand Master. Some people call him Grand Dragon, we didn't really know what that was about. But our founder, Jim Burnt Cross. Jim was a mysterious fella. Not much is known about our Jim. We don't know how many wives he had or if he loved anybody at all. But we certainly do know that he loved a certain kind of people. People like him.

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back in the day? Who are we to say? What matters is that Lucky Kentucky Bourbon continues to be made with the same process and the same ingredients and the same love and care as it did back in the day when Jim Burnt Cross made it himself, with hands still smoky and delicious and charred from long nights of burning. What was he burning?

Wow, wouldn't be a first to say. All we know is that delicious burnt taste is still in Lucky Kentucky Bourbon today. So go on. Buy yourself a bottle of Lucky Kentucky Bourbon. Buy yourself a bottle of history. Oh, man. Do you think you'll wake up on the morning that this podcast is released and you'll be 30, and do you think you'll actually think or feel anything different? Do you think you'll go, huh?

I'll feel tired because I'm filming and I'm getting picked up at 6 a.m. Can you say what you're filming, or is it a top secret secret? It is a sketch show for the BBC. Just a small part. Oh great. That's cool. Just a little guest appearance. A little Scotchie show. A little Scotch sketch. A little Scotchie Scotch.

And then I'm going to have dinner with my sister. Nice. To celebrate my 30th. Great. Afterwards. Very civilised. Very civilised. Professional day. Yes, yes, yes. What day of the week will it be? have dinner with my sister nice to celebrate my 30th great afterwards yeah very civilized very civilized professional day yes yes yes what day of the week will it be wednesday of course it's wednesday bud pod day yeah bud pod day birth pod day birth pod day a birth pod sounds so very sci-fi yeah that's like all that's the gloopy thing that um neo falls out of when he wakes up from the matrix yeah or you're floating in it with a kind of Bane mask and a tube.

Ah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm naked except for the mask. Yeah, but the tube of the mask happens to go where your dicker balls are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the film. And when it doesn't, the heads of the protagonists talking about me are obscuring it. Do you think he's ready to emerge?

I don't know. The tests are inconclusive. We don't have time. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's a big day for me, but right now it's a big day for you, Pierre, because you you've just had surgery. I have. I've had minor... Does it count as... Hey, you don't have to say minor. Don't put yourself

down. Yes, listeners, if I sound weird, it's because I can't feel half my face. I've had a crown fitted. I'm becoming a king. I'm a royal now. I'm replacing Meghan Markle. Yes, Harry.

I won a lottery. That was on my birthday. It's a great scratch card. I now get to be bullied by the press. Oh, great. Yeah, because, of course, now Harry and Meghan have embarked upon the most newsworthy development you could possibly have in the royal family. They will be left alone.

They will be left alone for once. Now they've done the most interesting thing that's happened in the royal family in a decade. Yes. They'll finally be left alone by the press. If they really wanted to be left alone, they should have secretly fucked a load of kids on an island. And then probably did. To be fair, he's done pretty well out of that. He has been more or less left alone now.

Everyone's gone, did you do it? And he's gone, I don't remember. No, probably. And everyone's gone, he's smart. He's not witted us. Everything we've just said is alleged. Anyway, yes, I had a crown fitted. One of my tooths, I had a filling replaced.

And the guy, the dentist, not you, no, just my guy. I got a crown fitted. One of my tooths, I had a filling replaced. And the guy, the dentist, not you, no, just my guy, I got a tooth guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, oh, there's like a crack down the middle of the whole thing. So it needs a hat. Which tooth was it? Back molar. Oh, yeah.

One of the old chewy grindy boys. The workhorse of the teeth, I'd say. That's right. Not the, you know, the showboat is up front. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh, slicing. Looking a bit like animal teeth. Like Japanese chefs. What's that called?

Shibatsu? Oh, I don't know. When you go to those places and they do it all in front of you? Yeah, what's this all famous chain one? Keep... Keep calm and carry on? Keep calm and eat chopped up beef? I'm sure it's something like... Benihana.

That's the big chain one, isn't it? What on earth? I always feel about the molars, because they come pretty late to the party. Shibatsu is a type of massage. I've misremembered... Is it also shibatsu? No, we got it wrong Shibatsu is a DJ

There really are so many syllables aren't there, Phil, out there in the world So many different combos The molars are so late to the party I always feel like Have the rest of the teeth accepted them as their friends now? Or are they still like a new kid? I think

It's like they only joined for sixth form. You know, that's the... Yeah. They'll never be completely part of the scene. The molars are the security of the mouth. You've got the pop stars up front. Right. You've got the big boys standing right behind them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keeping an eye on everything. They're the back row. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. In rugby terms. Yeah. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

So my guy needed a new hat. What, did you crack it, you cracked the top half, you cracked the top half of your tooth off? No, so it's like a crack right down, like right through it, like a little hairline crack. Vertically down? Yes. Oh, so they have to put this cap on to hold it together?

Mm-hmm. Ah. And it was really, it was not like a huge, it was a crack, like it was enough of a crack, and the guy was like, look, you can leave it, but it's there, so let's put a hat on it. Like a tree that's been struck by lightning. Yes. Right. And they were like, if we give it a special hat, then it can

Can I see the hat? Yeah, yeah. Let me listen, I'm just trying to Oh, it's hardly noticeable. Yeah, it's really good isn't it yeah it looks like more tooth yeah it's it's like um i had a temporary one for like three weeks up till now and they go away and make it with like they take molds and 3d scans and shit i try and i i i don't buy myself fancy stuff but but I spend money on my mouth. That's good. I spend money on my mouth because I've got money on my mind.

It's the investment that pays back. It's one of the few investments that pays back at my level. Absolutely. Especially if your job requires you use your mouth a lot. That's right. And every time I do a corporate and I get like a lump sum. Pierre is a food taster for the king of Holland. Yeah, and it's mostly toasties in the Netherlands.

Yeah, if I ever have a good bit of money floating around, I had like a tooth fund for it. I didn't go to the dentist for years, and that's a lot of people in the UK don't do that. The stereotype is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one day I was like, you know what? I'm sick of having a naughty mouth.

I want a good mouth. Yeah. I want a good boy mouth. But the needles going in, big needles. Sorry to anyone listening who hates needles. But oh boy. Anesthetic. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, mate. I had the needles go in to my bottom lip to pull that mucus seal out which is essentially benign little kind of essentially like a tiny tumor yeah and yeah the whole i mean them cutting that out obviously wasn't nothing because i was numb but and because it's so close to your face it looks even bigger yeah yeah yeah by perspective so this huge spear going into your delicate little pink lip. It feels like... And then your lip just feels huge because anything in your mouth that is slightly bigger than usual feels enormous.

It's like your anus, like I said last time. Yes. A friend of ours was listening to the podcast last time and they were like, I love you guys, but when you started talking about hemorrhoids, I had to stop eating. He was eating ramen or something. He was like, no, I had to pause the podcast.

Yeah, that will happen. Oh, you know the food taster thing? Is that real from your history knowledge? Did kings really have people who would try their food? I'm pretty sure, yeah. And sometimes they just keel over and die and they declare war i guess so i mean i know that oh was it a pharaoh or a roman emperor there was someone in like classical times um egypt or greece or rome anyway they they they took little bits of poison

and built up an immunity because they were so paranoid about being poisoned oh really yeah yeah yeah like a? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a vaccination? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they would get poison from poisonous toads or whatever and just have little bits every day and build up an immunity. Yeah, so their body would just deal with it all the time.

Did that work? It can work with some stuff, yeah. I guess it works with alcohol, which is a poison. That's why heroin addicts, it's really dangerous to try and give them surgery. To give them blood? Well, no, because they can't go on. Anesthetic is fucking nothing to these guys.

Oh, right, right, right. Because you're like, well, we'll give him a normal amount of anesthetic for his body weight. And the guy's just there chatting, having a great time. You go, uh-oh. Excuse me, sir, do you have any hobbies involving syringes? Well, yeah-oh. Excuse me, sir, do you have any hobbies involving syringes? Well, so you have to, yeah, right. So you have to give them that level of knockout. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, so my mouth is numb and weird. And as a kid, I hated the fucking dentist. Were you a dentist, kid? Were you okay with it? I hated it. I didn't hate it.

Yeah, because my mom was a doctor, so I was kind of... I hated hospitals, actually. I really hated hospitals. Really? Yeah. But dentists, I thought, were kind of fine. And I went quite a few times because I had quite a bad plaque. So you had to go in just to clean up all the plaque.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You felt better afterwards, so I didn't mind it so much. And I've always had healthy teeth, so I've never had any drilling or anything. I had shitty teeth. I got soft old teeth. Soft? Yeah. Like actually soft.

Like little rubbers. Yeah. No, my enamel is just not great. It's okay. But if you give it a chance to fuck you over, it will. And my dentist was a real a-hole. And I'm quite resistant to anesthetic. It takes a while to take effect.

You're like a rhino. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like still fighting in the chair. Just nurses with blowguns. Yeah. That just made him angry. You're just goring.

Goring trainees. Sun's getting real low. And all that other Marvel shit. Anyway, so I, like, it would take ages to take effect, and my dentist was such a fucking asshole that they'd be really impatient to be like, well, we've just got to start. So I would just have a hole drilled in my tooth with basically no anesthetic, but I'd have a wonderful, numb car journey home.

So you'd feel the drills? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah, I felt a lot of drills. I didn't feel them 100% because, like, okay, it's starting to take effect. But the proper, like, numb, numb, numbness

would take effect generally in the car on the way home, much to my chagrin and irritation. And I didn't like the fact they spoke in code. When they go through your mouth

They're like Z7, fine It sounds like they're playing Battleship Or Chess by Post Yeah For all I know they were That's why I had to get fillings Because I lost that piece Also because they say things that sound really dramatic

Like T17 Fully erupted Erupted! Why are you so calm about this? Like T17 fully erupted. Erupted! Why are you so calm about this? There's lava spewing out of my mouth. I tried to do a bit once about my panic when they go like, B7, missing. Missing?

Nothing was missing when I came in. So if it's missing now, you've lost it. I haven't lost anything. Missing, yeah. They're so relaxed. And you're like, huh? And when they take the x-rays and they leave the room for the radiation. They're like, oh, why are you leaving me in here? That's where you get the Hulk powers from.

No, no. Yeah. Do you think that dentists, like I'm always fascinated by the kind of people who want to that dentists... I'm always fascinated by the kind of people who want to become dentists. Because there's a real workman-like aspect to it. And a lot of dedication. It takes ages. Yeah.

And they've got those little jeweler's glasses to zoom in on your tooth and to sit with the little tools. They're like jewelers. Yeah, they're the jewelers of the medical world. Yes. Because the teeth are the jewels of the skeleton. That's what they say. The jewels in your crown.

Your crowned jewels, in my case. Ah, very good. That sounds like I have a dick and balls in my mouth. And the anesthetic wasn't that strong. He definitely didn't do that. I was not molested by my dentist, which is a fear I didn't know I had until it popped up a lot in a lot of American media.

Yeah. Creepy dentists. But in America, they seem to put you under general anesthetic for almost anything. They don't give a fuck. Yeah. Have you ever been under general?

Never. Never? Me neither. Never, never. We've never been sleepy boys Yeah, you've got, yeah No, yeah, I've only had the locals I've been very, very lucky I've never had

I've never been in hospital for anything serious Because I've been so risk averse I've never played that much contact sport I've never broken a single bone You're the boy in the bubble Yeah, I'm bubble boy And I feel great for it You're a birthday bubble boy, Bud Pod boy

I'm still factory settings I'm still the original part Yes, yes, yes The gap between you and reset you is almost nothing Just music, you've got music on you I could be You've got some songs in your hair Yeah, if I'm reformatted You could sell me to a collector for a pretty good price

Yeah, near mint Yeah, yeah Yeah, under like, in Amazon Marketplace yeah under like in amazon marketplace it's good you know yeah on the condition it's good yeah yeah yeah it's used but good used but good and they've verified that with a lot of photos yeah i've never been under general my dad was telling me when he was under general when he was young like you come to and you're just babbling all your secrets or whatever it's like truth serum yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah. Because you're just high as a kite going, oh, thank you for fixing me.

This reminds me of my pin number. Hello. No one is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone. Oh, um, hello. Yes, is that, um, the Parliamentary State Maintenance Hotline?

I'm calling from Big Ben. No, wait, I'm calling from Elizabeth Tower, formerly St. Stephen's Tower. The tower is a different name, I learned that on the way up, on the stairs, that was the plaque. Anyway, it's very late I snuck in here to meet Ben I thought he sounded fun I heard that Ben was big and he had a bong

and that sounds like a party time to me so I thought I'd climb up here and meet him like he's been put up here like a prince because he was too big and strong to be in parliament and he won every debate and instead there's a big cracked bell, and no one else is here, apart from some birds, by which I mean the dirty grey feathery, non-human, but dirty grey, people, there's a lot of birds I've met on the dirty grey feathery,

but these ones fly, they fly and they poo. Anyway, I'm up here, I'm near the six at the bottom of the face. If you look up, I'm looking out just between where is like a V. I've got one eye through there, there's a little crack, which if you didn't know about, I suppose that's the most important part of this call for you so far. I've got, I don't have a lot to eat, I'm quite hungry and cold, I've got a fruit roll-up, strawberry, and I've had half of that, and I've rolled the rest of it up for safekeeping, and I've got a Capri Sun, and I've got a limited edition beef and rocket sandwich from Pret, that I think is very out of, I haven't seen one for a long time, so I'm quite suspicious of it, I don't want to eat it.

And if you could just send someone up here, either with food, and I can just live here, or to bong me out, I think I can squeeze out through the centre of the clock face, but I think that would create more questions than answers at this point. Those are my demands. Or a mattress. I can, again, happy to live here. Happy to live here.

Pay sort of ground rent. Yes. And if you see any little fires, don't worry. They pay sort of ground rent. Um, yes. And if you see any little fires, don't worry. I'm just having a fag. It's wine o'clock somewhere. Give me the coffee and no one gets hurt. Bless this mess. I like two things.

Pals and Prosecco. And I'm all out of pals. One Prosecco, two Prosecco, three Prosecco If the wife asks, I'm working Keep calm and keep drinking tea Tatatac That's right, it's Tatatac It's Tatatac

It's sort of Tatatat and correspondence Because we do get sent the Tatatac With the correspondence And we just have two great jingles so we'd like to mix it up that's true uh i i've got some old christmas stuff oh yeah i don't know you know drag our minds back to christmas necessarily but this one is great um it's a towel this is from phil smith on twitter it's a towel it says dear santa all i want is a fat bank account and a skinny body.

Please don't mix it up again like last year. I love it! Dear Santa, I'm fat and poor. Fix this, please. But then also being cheeky about it. I feel like you're not...

You're neither all that fat nor all that poor if you can afford to be cheeky and fun I feel like you're not You're neither all that fat nor all that poor If you can afford to be cheeky and fun about it You're not that upset If you're being whimsical and cheeky about this You can't be The family of Oliver Twist I'm going oh it looks like Santa mixed up the presents again Also yeah like

It would be a very cruel gift to give to someone Who weighed 40 stone and lived in a shack It would be very funny This tells about you From a third person objective it would be very funny But in the room Yeah, yeah, yeah, it would be a real horrible thing to do Yeah, that is a slightly chubby person

Who is doing perfectly well Yeah Absolutely fine Katie got in touch. Hi, Katie. Says, hey, buds. Loving Tatatak. Hope the channel commissioned another series. Please see attached

my own humble submission. I'm a doctor and previously worked at a lovely small hospital on the South Coast. When I used the staff toilets in the hospital's education center, I was horrified to see the following decals on the insides of the cubicles in the hospital's education centre, I was horrified to see the following decals on the insides of the cubicles. The hospital?

Even the sick are not free from tat. This is the problem with hospitals. They always have areas that they want to make kid-friendly or a little more light-hearted, but they can't because it's a hospital. So they try too hard and they just put in inappropriate, really colourful toys or inspirational quotes.

And like, just don't try. This is more depressing. This is what's weird is this is the staff toilets. Oh! Yeah. Oh gosh. And it's not very woke. Well, this is just in cursive.

This is all a curly whirly writing. Is it like a plaque on the toilet wall? Yeah, it seems to be. Let me just have a look at it. Yes, like, yes, decals, like little postery things. A lady should be classy and fabulous. Oh. That's almost not even tat.

It's so direct. Is that it? Yeah. What? It's in Curly Whirly writing. A lady in the toilet. Is the joke that it's in the toilet? Is the joke that you're looking at that while you're doing the dirtiest thing the human body can do?

Huh. A lady should be classy and fabulous. Nodding as you spray diarrhea into a bowl. Yes, good. And the other two decals. Keep calm and have a cupcake. Oh, no. All in capitals.

Hard to say what relevance cupcakes have to hospitals. And surely the sugar will make you less calm. Yeah. And buy shoes and dance all night buy shoes any shoes yeah new ones presumably workman's boots perhaps buy shoes and dance all night they're very invective these ones are quite aggressive and direct yeah they sound like just orders buy shoes and dance all night a lady should be classy and fabulous have a fucking cupcake they all sound like things a drill instructor would say to mock recruits you ladies should be classy and fabulous you're gonna buy shoes and dance all night cupcake

that's how aggressive and direct they are. They sound like insults themed around femininity. Performative femininity. Yeah, the gender-specific tats are the absolutely worst. Oh, this is a really fun one. If this loads up. Oh, gosh. My signal's not

great. Okay, here we go. This has come from Barry Cry codman on twitter good name barry codman a really a really unconvincing fake uh fisherman barry codman yeah which is the worst undercover cop barry codman i work down at the docks. It's a big fishing sting. He's sending a picture with a message. Can't take the tat with you. Or can you? And it's, no kidding, a coffin with tat on the inside lining.

And it says on the inside, lived, laughed, loved. Oh, no. Surely this is a joke. No. Past tense coffin tat. Past tense Coffin tat Death Past tense Death tat Lived

Loved Eternal darkness You can't even read the tat Oh my god Thanks Barry That is great You should have Yeah

Lived Loved Eaten by bugs That would be more direct Yeah It should now be Thanks, Barry. That is great. You should have lived, laughed, eaten by bugs. That would be more direct. Yeah, it should now be fertilized, rotted, fertilized, sludge. Became sludge. You know what happens to bodies when you just leave them And they decompose Yeah

They're like They melt into It melts into itself Yeah It's like when When dead people People have died in their homes And people don't know

Yeah And they come like months later Their legs are like fused To each other Yeah yeah And they melt into their chairs They're like a big Yeah they're like a big

Chair blob thing Like a melted gummy bear Yeah Sorry to anyone who's Eating a bento box now Or a corpse Or a corpse Guys this one's fresh

Come on My morning corpse Don't talk to me until I've had my corpse My corpsey Really Really A twee zombie My death espresso Keep calm and shuffle on

keep calm and shuffle off that's funny um yes and i always enjoy in the way that you enjoy something because it makes you feel horrified and afraid uh reading those terrible stories about people who just die in their chair and no one finds out until like seven years later. Gosh, yeah. Terrifying. There was a documentary on BBC about a gal who went missing and no one noticed for 17 years. Oh, what?

Yeah. That's so long. It's a long time. Wow, what? That's enough time for another person to be born and go missing. That's true. That's a whole extra missing. Yeah, that's a whole extra Netflix series.

Yes. Fuck. Oh, man. Sometimes you sort of think, like, what if everyone just was fitted with trackers? I'm sure it wouldn't go wrong. Just to avoid hearing about that kind of thing. We do now with our phones All these days

There's a great There's almost a branch of news story that's tat news And I saw Today on the BBC Would George Orwell have had a smartphone? Tat news That's like a piece of news Designed to give Alan Partridge something to talk about

On a radio show Text in everyone, would he have had a smartphone? What apps would he have had? Tinder? Maybe What apps would George Orwell have had? He would have had all the political news apps Yeah, all the news apps He would have had Hive for his home, probably.

You know, like those security cams you can look at from your phone to see what delivery men are at your door. Yes, yes, yes, yes. He would have had... Well, he spent those years living rough, so maybe he'd have some apps to do with that, sort of places to go to sleep. Nothing in the world as easy to make as money that's in uh down and out in paris and london

yes the homeless guy in london he hangs around with yeah nothing's as easy to make in this world as money and that's always stuck with me i don't know why there's something so pointed about it's a guy like a sleeping rough essentially going just like at peace with completely fine with it yeah there's nothing to make in this world as easy as money the two things i remember is um all the tramps really resenting the christians like really resenting that they had to sit and sing hymns like even just like three hymns to get a bit of toast yeah and they're like fucking god botherers fucking patronizing cats and then the other thing was um because george orwell looked like a gentleman and spoke well um i don't know

if it was down out in paris and london or maybe road to wigan pier but he there would like there used to be like these centers for tramps like turnpike centers yeah females down and out yeah and he would he turned up one and they make you all line up it's a bit like being in the army for the weekend they sort of lock you up over the weekend what hose you down yeah yeah yeah you kind of you do your spell and then you get kicked out yeah and the guy going down the line of tramps going like what's your name where you're from come on now you know you look at your disgusting beard or whatever it comes to orwell and hears his voice and goes oh my god he says you and he's like so sympathetic to him because he clearly used to be a gentleman.

Yeah. And is sort of clearly imagining like, oh, you're probably like the fourth son of some minor country squire. And, oh, for you to be here with this lot. Oh, very sorry, sir. Calls him sir. Even in that context. Amazing. It's hard to show, yeah, how much.

I mean, people complain now that, you know, you're treated differently because of your accent. But back in the day day it must have been even more marked there's another thing I remember from down out in Paris and London is back in the at that time in London

there was a drink called Twist a hot drink called Twist which was a mix of coffee and tea you drink it was half coffee half tea

and drink it all together a cup of Twist a cup of Twist isn't that cool but it's weird that's never caught it must be disgusting Which is strange because they're broadly the same drink

I've had it by accident Oh yeah of course And it is horrible But also that's the era where it was like Seven sugars or nine That's why no one had any fucking teeth left Because everyone is pouring sugar Into every possible drink

You're going to take off that mud you're eating i guess take that off that yeah exactly um should we do some more tent or some correspond let's do some correspondence let's do it just so we can play two jingles in one episode yes a rare double jingler There you are, like opening an egg with two yolks. Two of our favorite jingles, and only jingles, in one episode of Budpod. Yes. Yes, and I'd just like to thank, from ages ago, And I'd just like to thank, from ages ago, Mr. Smith emailed and said that he, asking to see if I could say hi after opening for Frank Skinner, I think in Cheltenham or somewhere. And didn't see it until now.

So, sorry about that, Mr. Smith. I know. I hope you enjoyed the show. If there's any consolation, meeting Pierre is a devastating disappointment. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I am a thin ghost of whatever you're imagining. He's a shell of his stage persona. Yes, in real life, I'm like a dying pope. There's so much less glory than you would ever imagine.

Yeah, so count yourself lucky there, Mr. Smith. Yes, you should count yourself very lucky indeed. I went to see Pierre open for Frank Skinner in London at the Garrick Theatre, and it was great. It was such a good show. I can now wholeheartedly recommend it with honesty. Before, my recommendation was pure conjecture, but now I can honestly say it's a great show,

and both Pierre's bit and Frank's bit are really, really great. And thanks to all the Budpods who have come and seen us, as me and Frank have journeyed around the country investigating ancient graves and so on, which is genuinely what we have mostly done. George gets in touch, Phil. Hi, George. Let's gorge. Let's. Hi, George. Let's gorge.

Let's gorge on George. Nice. Hi, Pease. I saw Phil at a charity gig earlier this year, and he was wearing a very fetching blue shirt with a swirly pattern on it. Oh, it'll be my shirt from, get this, Debenhams. It's a brand called Manta Ray that sell in Debenhams They always have at least one lovely shirt

Well there you go, he's so fetching in fact That I spent much of this set staring intently at his crotch Trying to get a glimpse of the label dangling at the bottom Ah yes, Manta Ray Unfortunately Phil was far too funny and mobile to get a clear look And I fear the shirt would remain unknown to me forever I mentioned seeing Phil to a colleague later that week As it was a very good set, despite the shirt distraction,

and it turned out that her boyfriend had done improv classes with Phil. Aha! Aha, he says in the email. I have my in to shirt knowledge, I thought to myself, so I asked her to ask her boyfriend to ask Phil where he got his shirt. Sadly, the question was never asked, and they've since broken up, and the shirt has become a distant memory.

Until a few weeks ago, again ago again again ago when i went to see phil again and he was wearing the same lovely swirly shirt i do have other shirts i want to say but it is a good shirt he has two shirts uh since the first gig i started listening to the butt pod so i sat in the comfort that i could just ping you guys an email and ask about the shirt very good show by the way so phil where did you get the lovely shirt it's from debonams which is going into administration, so do be quick. Yeah.

Thanks and love for the podcast, George. P.S. Pierre, I'm yet to catch a show of yours, but when I do, if you could wear a similarly lovely shirt, it would be appreciated. Bye, George. I'll do my best. Yeah, the thing is, Pierre has a stage uniform, which I don't have, so Pierre sort of has his lovely velvet jacket.

It's the, if you want to know about the white shirts, it's the M&S Luxury Range. Ah, do they feel luxurious? They've got a sort of pattern, a very subtle pattern on them, of diagonal lines. That's nice. You want a bit of business when you're up close. Yes, yes. You want it to look white from a distance, but when you get up close, you're like, ooh, something for my fingers.

Exactly, yes. That's what people say to me as they unbutton my shirt to wash me after every gig. Like a cowboy who's just come into some money. That's my favorite reference you've made for a while. That's in a lot of films. Yes, please. They pay two dollars for a bath, a tin bath. Ah, yes, please. Nadia gets in touch. Nadia.

What do you say? That's good. Thank you. Dear Oddpubs. Oddpubs? Okay. Oh, right, right, Podbuds. Oddpubs.

We're doing quite well on the half rhymes and near rhymes now. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's long enough down the line now that people are having to get quite creative. Yes. It's like visual art over hundreds of years. We're getting abstract. We're getting impressionistic. Yeah. Dear Oddpubs, I have an okay thank you tale of naivety to share with you.

I moved to London four and a half years ago, having grown up in the middle of nowhere in Scotland. Okay. It was my first time living alone, so I was but a newborn baby of 25. A bairn. A bairn. Just a wee bairn living on your lonesome. A wee bairn in the city. A wee skinny malinky bairn.

That's what my gran used to say. Skinny malinks. Skinny malinks? Yeah, when you're all rangy and it's a Scots slang. Right. A skinny malink. Like when you're a little bag of bones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Skinny malinks.

Shortly after I moved here, I was in central London late one night waiting for a bus. We've all been there. An old grandfatherly looking man stopped in front of me and mumbled something. Always a good sign. It was a busy street, so I didn't quite hear what he said. So I politely said, pardon, I didn't quite catch that And he mumbled again This repeated two more times

And as I simply didn't hear what he was saying Until finally, as I simply didn't hear what he was saying Until finally, visibly frustrated and annoyed with me He loudly exclaimed For the last time, I said I've got a big cock. Clean out your ears, woman. For God's sake, how many times do I have to say it? I've got a big old hog.

For the last time, I said I've got a big cock. That's so funny. To which I couldn't... I've got a big cock. Excuse me? And he didn't stop trying. Yeah, because usually you go, never mind. But fair play to him, he said, for God's sake,

I've got a big cock! I'm so certain this is going to work, I'm going to keep saying this, until I have to yell it. Because that's how much of a useful sentence it is. For the last time, I said, I've got a big cock. To which I couldn't think of anything to say except, okay, thank you. That's very nice for you. With this, he stormed off.

Three legs at a time. Him and his flapping dong stormed away, apparently appalled at how rude I had been. And that was my introduction to cosmopolitan London life. Hey, that's just the city, baby. London's glittering west end. With its hung old

men. The streets are paved with gold and the old men are paved with big old dicks. London. City of the big dick. They call it the big old wrinkler. London town. The windy penis.

With this he stormed off. Yes, and I also wanted to add, every time I see the lovely Bud Pod artwork, I can't help that. And that's artwork by Joe Joseph. I think he's at IamJoeJoseph on Instagram. Available as a graphic designer as well as musician. Yeah, get on that. Cool guy.

Every time I see that artwork, I can't help but think of Phil's potential handshake from his Koji anecdote. Oh, yeah. Because we're like shaking hands in the artwork. So she's remembering your jizzy hand. My jizzy Oh, yeah. Because we're like shaking hands in the artwork. So she's remembering your jizzy hand. My jizzy hand, yeah. I didn't even offer my slimy, slimy palm.

I kept it behind my back like I was keeping sweets from a teacher. I hope I haven't ruined it for you With the image of it being a gelatinous grip She says Oh yeah, that's good Like rice you haven't washed Yeah, yeah, yeah Also an excellent drummer

Gelatinous grip Yeah, yeah, yeah Very smooth sound for drums Love the podcast, keep on hijacking it I'm a pilot, Nadia Very excited to see Phil and others show in Bath next month So that would have been in December Oh yeah, that was in December

Yeah, nice one Well, thanks for coming We presume That was a fun show A lot of people There were six Christmas trees on stage Beg your pardon? Yeah

Six? I know That's too much Christmas for anyone It's a Christmassy show Thank you for coming to that, Nadia. I hope you liked it. She must have done. That's a really great story.

That's a very good story. Really funny. Just this old man going, For the last... For God's sake. What's the point of me being a disgusting old man? What have you got, cloth ears? I've got a big dick.

I want you to know about it, all right? That'll be all. I'll be on my way. Good day. Good day. Raising awareness. Worst charity mugger ever. Excuse me, sir, do you have any time? You take your headphones out. Oh, yeah. I've got a good... I've got a big dick. Thank you if you just sign here. Direct debit. And you're like,

and you sign it because he's told you now. Yeah, you go, sign it. Now it's in my head is that your real your real email um gift aid you have now to fill in my address and all this we can give them uh 20 more dick that's the government yeah the government tops up our dicks by 20 if you sign up for gift it's tax free. It's no cost to you. Jack gets in touch. Jack.

I'm not going to say his last name, but it's a good name. You can have a look at it. Oh, yeah. I've seen that name about. It's an action hero name. Action hero. Kind of oldie English. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a good dude. It's a good name. Hello, blood puddles. Wow. I like that. Blood with a U. Blood puddles.

Blood puddles. Oh, like sort of, yeah, blood. I guess so. Yeah. My wife gave birth to our first child last week. Congratulations. Would have been a couple of blood puddles on my part. Yes, well.

Congrats. And it has thrust me into a wonderful world of nappy changes. In the last week, my son's poo has been black, green, and now yellow, which means you could make the flag of Jamaica out of it if you really wanted to. The single best poo he has done was the day after he was born, and it was a single black bubble. Inflating as he did a little fart. Wow.

Like a licorice-flavored bubble gum. Oh, my days. That's horrible, actually. That's the most disgusting poo I've heard of on this podcast, and that's saying a lot. I thought you should know. Keep on jacking in the free world. Jack.

While we can, while it's a free country. A little black bubble. Bubble just... Wow. That must be like weird womb poo. That's like something from a bog in a movie You know, a close-up on a bog And it's...

Yes, and it makes... Beware the gases Yes, and it makes the main character go Oh, is it safe to cross? We must cross Yeah, very much so You've got a bog bum You've got a bog boy

Bog bum, yeah That's what babies have It's a baby bog bum It's a baby bog bum It must be like the poo from when they were being fed still in the womb. That's special. That's like its own type of poo. Right, yeah.

And they have to like squeeze out. It's like sort of mucusy. Yeah, when my nephew was born, they kind of roll their knees back onto their chest and like maneuver them and squeeze out all the pre-existence poops. Right, right, right. Yeah, like getting toothpaste out of a baby. Gosh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw the most similar process I've seen to that is I went out with some family friends when I was a kid and they went shooting rabbits. Oh, yeah. And they shot a rabbit and they grabbed it by the ears, just dead like... And they squeezed the belly downwards

like a tube of toothpaste to get all the urine and feces out. Yes, you're supposed to. Yes. And it just all comes. I've seen someone demonstrate how to skin a rabbit like that after you do that. And they basically just go like around the paws and then around the neck, I think, or maybe not even.

And then they just pull it off like a jumpsuit and like down the middle. Plop the then they just pull it off like a jumpsuit and like down the middle. Yeah, well... Plop the guts out, pull it off like a glove. In Red Dead Redemption, he just grabs it by the fluffy tail and just rips the whole thing off and it comes in one go.

And I think that's a bit cartonized, but... It's not far off. It's not far off, yeah. Wow, they're just like little gloves running around in the fields. Anyway, we hope you all enjoyed the detail there of the Bog Bomb Bubble bomb bubble yeah lovely end to the pod yep um thank you for listening we'll be back next week with more fun have a lovely time

and happy birthday phil and happy birthday to me 30 bye