BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 47 - BirthPod 2: Rise of Pierre

Episode Date: January 29, 2020

Birthpod 2: Rise of Pierre! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie talk about Hitman the games, the Astrology epidemic and both being Aquarius. Pierre was a caesarean goth baby. Body hair and shaving/waxing boys? The Wolf People of Mexico. Chinese pirate queen. Fukboiz getting into star charts and how to try to beat their evolutionary adaptability – the route to a new renaissance? Medical advances? Correspondence and tat!  Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's 47, it's Barty Bevan, it's Gordy Grevan, and... Agent 47. Oh yeah! From Hitman the Games. Hitman the Games! I love Hitman the Games. Do write in if you like Hitman the Games. Hitman the Games was one of the few games that my mum was like, you can't have that.

Yeah. Because it was so clearly about a man whose job was to kill people for money. It wasn't historical, like World War II or anything. Right, I see. There was no redeeming feature to it. No, no, no. It was, you're a guy who kills people for money. Bye.

So I only ever played at friends' houses. So I was very aware of the whole oeuvre. Yeah. But I never got to adventure through those particular meadows myself. I liked it, man, the games. Although they've lost their way now. They're absolutely rubbish now.

Are they? What have they done to ruin it? The games are just very bare. Bare? And I think the last one that came out was like, it cost like as much as a game costs, like 40 pounds or whatever, and it lasted genuinely six hours.

Oh, get the fuck. Yeah. And the one before that, they fucked up the save system so that if you saved a checkpoint, like killed a bunch of people on your way there, saved a checkpoint, and you loaded that checkpoint,

everyone you killed respawned. And so there was no track of what you'd done. It was crazy! So you would sort of reload after having like cleared a mansion. Yeah. And suddenly the mansion's bustling with fucking activity again. As if you started it from scratch, but you just physically

teleported into the mansion. Yeah. It was so dumb and it ruined the game basically. The last great one was Hitman Contracts, I'd say. Hitman Contracts was great. Really awesome. And, you know, there aren't a lot of people really nailing the bald look. No, but Agent 47 does it

because he's got a little barcode on the back of his head because he's a clone. Beep, beep, scan of some crisps. I think it's kind of cool. It is kind of cool, to be fair. This is not quite my birth pod, but it's kind of cool it is kind of cool to be fair um this is not quite my birth pod but it's pretty close oh yeah of course since you and i are both aquarius aquaria are you aquaria you are i'm aquarius yeah is that are you on the cusp am i on the cusp

i do not know the date i don't know i don't memorize what the thresholds are i think it's insane that people out there will know your star sign when you tell them your birthday. Like, yeah, the number of girls now who when I say, oh, my birthday is January 22nd, and they go,

oh, yeah, I used to be Aquarius. Yeah. That's like the first thing they say. Or they go, that makes sense. And you go, what?

What about it? Fern Brady knows. Yeah. I swear. Yeah, she's big into it. they say or they or they go that makes sense and you go what what about it fern brady knows yeah i swear yeah she's big into it our friend and erstwhile guest yes um the bra pooper and our consistent slamming of her on this podcast is her punishment for not listening yes it is yeah it's a punishment for not listening and i'm pretty sure just never even tweeting that she was on it no yeah yeah yeah we're just gonna slam your phone and you'd love a fucking star signs um i had a conversation with someone the other day where they were like uh explaining it that they were super super into all this stuff and and tarot cards and all that

and i'm not like against it like a lot of like i'm not like a richard dawkins fan boy about it. But they were like, well, don't you think it has any value or whatever? And I was like, well, I think it's like a lens to look at the world through. So like it's like an indirect – it's like a third party, a fictional third party, isn't it? Okay. So like let's say me and you uh hanging out whatever and you have been really stressed but you're in that weird stress thing where you don't think you're stressed

and you're like i'm not stressed yeah you're stressed yeah you're stressed and it doesn't work for me to say to you phil you've been really fucking stressed lately actually but if you read it in a little magic section of the newspaper yeah and you that might if you believe in it as well that might make you go force you to go maybe i have been stressed actually you believe in it as well, that might make you go, force you to go, maybe I have been stressed, actually. You know what it is? It's like the House of Lords for your own life decisions and mood. Yes, yes. You pass it through this crazy, old-fashioned…

It's all capes and crowns. And they shouldn't be there, really. They're not really qualified there. But somehow it does help just to get a fresh pair of eyes on this. Yeah, yeah. And they haven't had any power for a long time. Yes, yes, yes. And it used to be a sign of real tyranny, actually.

But these days, like you say, it's a kind of eccentric. Yeah. And so that was my sort of diplomatic explanation of how I feel about these things. What I don't like is when people who are already cunts use them to just explain away why they simply have to rob their grandmother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, last month I burnt down a Cambodian village, but I am an Aries. The mercury was in retrograde. Aries is one of them, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, okay. God, what? God, what? retrograde aries is one of them isn't it yeah yeah okay god i got my birth chart done by uh another comedian lady who's super into it she had an app to design your birth chart what is the birth chart it's the way the sky looked when you were born oh i he said having absolutely no memory of what it is actually i imagine it would have looked quite similar uh no but it's like oh which stars were in ascendancy and things.

Like it's all seasonal and some stuff changes over years. And Halley's Comet, I don't know. But over years is like millions of years, isn't it? Yeah, but to fill it in, you have to know the minute you popped out the old fanny there. Yeah, I know. It's like fake science on top of layers of creamy fiction. but i i gave this lady the information and she put it in her app and it cost her 99p to do it to be fair so thank you well per try per process something like that micro transactions within the app and uh she made it pop up and she looked at it

and and i was like, maybe. In fact, yeah, if you were in the Southern Hemisphere, which I was, it's different as well. Yeah, sure. So to be fair, they're really asking for a lot of detail before they draw you this insane map from the 12th century. And she looked at it and went, ugh. And I went, whoa. You know, when someone does that, even if you don't believe it, you're like, whoa, what is it? I mean, this is dumb, but what is it?

Yeah, that was an interesting noise you made. Why would you make that noise? I mean, I don't believe I know this, but can you tell me what it is? Please tell me what it is. And she showed me, and there's like all these different signs. There's like seven or eight of them that are like influential when you pop out. Okay. Right.

And there can be like any mixture. And it's like oh you have like three gemini signs so that means yeah and in the fourth quarter of the moon diagram you've got taurus which is meh and of like the eight or nine different signs on this kind of spider web diagram uh every single one of mine was aries wow like nine war it was all war wow you're gonna have a life full of conflict i was like i can fucking see that jesus christ you're like um you're the character a dumb jock guy would come up with in a fantasy video game at the beginning yes yeah where the more balanced play is like five intelligent seven strength you're just like, fifty strength

put all the points in strength no charisma, no agility no luck, yeah just essentially a moving hammer apparently the second that I was carved out of my mother as opposed to born, because I was chopped out were you a cesarean?

were you? I had no idea I know, people out. Were you a cesarean? Yeah. Were you? Yeah, yeah. I had no idea. I know. People are surprised. Have you never told me this? I don't know if I have ever told you that. I was chopped out. And it's a good thing, too, because I had the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck like a suicidal baby.

Looking at you now, I imagine. Oh, really? Yeah, I was all wrapped around. They didn't know that, though. Very close. Very close. You wanted to end it all already. Yeah.

There was a tiny stool under your feet. Yes. And if you put your ear onto my mum's belly, you could just hear Marilyn Manson playing like, beautiful people, beautiful people, just coming out through the belly there. Yeah, I was a suicidal kid

born under nine different Aries war signs. Wow. And I haven't lived up to that. I'm a stand-up comedian. You sound cursed. I sound like a cursed child. Yeah. Not to rip off J.K. Rowling's intellectual property.

No, we would never want to do that. We'd never want to do that. I had no idea you were a Caesar. I was a Caesar boy. You were a Caesar salad. I was a Caesar salad. They think it makes you more likely to have allergies and asthma, which I do have.

Well, it's because well it because a very important part of the birth birth birthing process is coming out of your mom's vagina and swallowing a load of her shit because it introduces you to a lot of important bacteria and disease and stuff and so if you don't i think you need a fecal transplant i think we've covered this on this podcast really yeah i don't think i had a fecal transplant well i mean you don't need one i mean fecal transplant is just another element of this fact that don't they just give you an ectomel what's that oh like with good bacteria bifidus digestive um essentially the load of shit you swallow on your way out is good for the goop yeah it helps your yeah and babies who are born via cesarean section do take a little longer to build up their immune system.

Yeah, I was a really sick kid, yeah. Oh, right, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was a sick, cursed war child baby, suicidal, cursed chop guy. Right. Yeah. I really feel like I should have done something in my life that's more in line with that by now. Can I ask why you were cesarean?

Were your feet first? I just would not fucking come out i think and also south africa culturally they're fine they're like if you could just ask one let's give it to you right whereas in the uk you don't even get to speak to a doctor it's like a midwife who's always like no would you like some herbs like it seems a lot more everyone here's so obsessed with natural birth south africa is like a really blunt like here are the fucking drugs we're gonna chop the baby out of you. Good night. Sleep well.

No fucking around. America style. Yeah, but there are downsides to cesareans. Oh, there's always downsides, but just culturally, there's none of this fear of interventionist medicine.

Like, it would be surprising for a particular socioeconomic group that I'm from in South Africa if you did not go for the injection in the back, what's it called? Oh, the... I mean, the thing that sounds like the most metal thing you can do.

Spine injection. Spine needle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one that makes you really numb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy makes you really numb Yeah, yeah, yeah That guy What is it called? Epidural

He's got it Yeah, yeah, so I was a naughty Difficult baby and came out under the Sign of war This child was born under the sign of war Under the knife Yeah, of course Under the blade Yes, he was born under the sign of war. Under the knife. Yeah, of course. Under the blade.

Yes, he was born under the sword. He will die under the sword. Yeah, maybe. Any witches, wizards, or warlocks listening, and you know what, we'll take necromancers right in. If you think you know how my destiny to be under constant conflict and war will manifest itself, given that so far my life hasn't been perfect. But overall, I'd give it a solid 7 or 8 out of 10.

You do have a temper. I do have a temper. Maybe that's the Aries element in you. But I don't have a temper in that pub way. Right. You're not going to glass someone. It's like a temper in that pub way. Right. It's not like... You're not going to glass someone. It's like a Popeye the Sailor temper.

Yeah, you're not going to start a fight. No. I'm going to end one. Yes, yes, yes. He's a peacekeeper. No, he probably won't even end one. I'll be near one. I've seen one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been in fights at school have you yeah yeah like physical fight yeah like the kind of the that boys fight where it's just like a lot of bending over and pulling and grappling yeah yeah yeah it always looks so shit we're sort of hunched over grappling in your head it's like a ninja fight from a movie yeah i've been in lots of teenage boys do the worst fucking shitty fight it's pathetic i'm going to stop watching them eventually Why can't they challenge me

When I challenge them To the many fights I have of them in the playground I don't want to bet on either of these kids Where do you find these clowns? To your wrangler Yeah maybe I don't know These ain't Boston rules Now maybe we need Someone to do your birth chart Phil Yeah, maybe. I don't know. These ain't Boston rules.

Now maybe we need someone to do your birth chart, Phil. Okay. I wonder which one my sign would be that would have loads of. What's the star sign most associated with kind of – you're sort of a details guy A details guy? You like to get in and make sure it's all What that means is I have anxiety Sorry, yes It was almost anxious

The crab looks a bit sketchy Cancer It can only move sideways Oh god It looks indecisive Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah It'd be cancer then

Yeah, maybe that's it Do you know why Do you know that's why cancer is called cancer Because when they were first studying it It spread and it looked like a crab spreading out Really? Yeah, that's why it's called cancer Because it looks like a crab

Evil, horrible crab killing you Oh no Thank god it didn't spread out in the shape of a dick and ball silhouette Or any of the other Any of the other shapes It could have spread out in the shape of a dick and ball silhouette. Or any of the other shapes it could have spread out in the shape of. Yeah, I'm afraid you've got dick and balls. I'm afraid you've got cock and bollocks disease. The dick and balls are spreading.

The shape looks much like, yes, that one on your notebook there that your friend did. And as you see, the jizz spurts have gone to your nose. Now, the Dick and Balls comes in two varieties, hairy balls and non-hairy balls. You have non-hairy balls. That's good. That's good. That's a good thing. We don't want the hairs growing into healthy cells.

We want the full Hollywood shave, yeah. We want the Hollywood bodies. Mr. And Mrs. Foster. Yes, good to meet you. No, the baby's healthy, but we're going to have to undergo a caesarean section because this is going to have to be a birth by caesarean section. No, there's nothing to worry about. We just have to get the baby out. We had a quick scan and it's making folk art. And there, yes. No, I've never seen anything like it. Your be a sort of fashioning little bits of tat and cutesy

arts and crafts little dreamcatchers sort of sculptures made out of rattan none of it adheres to any school of philosophy or religion I'm aware of

but some people will will sort of superimpose their own vague belief systems onto it and through that gain a false sense of significance. Yes, I know it sounds awful, I know, yes, no, it's not as dangerous

as it sounds, but we do need to get the baby out now. It looks like he's just picked up crocheting and that he's making a rather large rug depicting a scene from a historical event of his own making. Yes, so he's added witches and warlocks and mystical animals to it. It's awful. Technically, it's quite impressive,

but from a content point of view, it's absolutely meaningless, so we're going to have to get the baby out now. Right, okay, I'm glad you agree. Nurse! Scalpel! Stand! If it was free and all taken care of for you, would you

be a waxing man? You don't have much body hair to begin with. You're a smooth boy. I'm a pretty smooth boy. I'm a dolphin all over my body except for a few noted areas. A few strategic zones of importance. A few strategic zones of importance strategic zones that would be the old dick and balls and um up about two-thirds of my ass crack yeah now i would

i think and the comedian daniel sloss has a whole bit about this he he shaves his asshole really blind with a razor in the shower my god i know and he swears by it. Who needs bungee jumping? What a thrill seeker. From the gooch up, he does it blind in the shower with a razor. Must be like squatting. I mean, fair play to him, because he swears by it. And I'm sure it feels wonderful.

Every time I wipe my ass, I think, I wish I shaved this. And so I would absolutely go for an ass crack waxing. The old back sack and crack? The sack sounds awful because it's kind of stretchy. Bat wings. I guess people have to hold down the skin because it'll just come off with the hair. I think they panel it out.

Panel it out? Yeah, they kind of spread it out and wax the zones as they spread and move. They've got to do something like that because otherwise it doesn't make any sense. I would like to have it a little more well kept down there. Yes, I would. Yeah. See, that's what I was thinking because I've got a hairy back as well. Right.

I'm gradually, pretty soon, my back is going to join my front hair. And then I get a Greek passport. beckett's gonna join my front hair and then i get a greek passport i'm slowly becoming more and more mediterranean like my surname is slowly overpowering my first name that's interesting you know it's weird like george uh four acres from your sketch group daphne friend of the podcast he said to me because he's part italian as well and he was saying he got all of his italian hairiness like boom when he was like 16, 14 to 16. And he says, yours is like very slowly eking out over decades. Like it's getting there.

It's been lying dormant. Yeah, and you can see like, and now it's growing up the side of my hand. I'm very slowly werewolfing it out. I'm going to look like an Israeli businessman at some point. Whereas I am not kidding, an Israeli businessman. Yeah, eventually you're going to look like you should be on edgar road shouting loudly into one um cheap apple earphone yeah um as you drink very sweet tea and smoke a shisha pipe yes yes yes that is

the edgar road classic look for hours they're on there for hours i don't what are they talking yeah and everything they anything they own that's metal is gold or gold plated. Yes. Yeah. It's that contrast of a really hairy big forearm and like a very bright gold watch. Yeah. You see that a lot. It really does pop.

It's a poolside image. Yeah. Yes. So that's going to be my future, I think, unless I do something. And so every now and then i think should dare i feel dare i begin the sisyphean task of having a smooth old back sure and and and how do you it's like the brooklyn bridge by the time you're done waxing your hair it's hard to grow again and would it look weird for me to have like to be like a guy with body hair but then have a

perfectly smooth back sack and crack well so you're just hairy on the front? Yeah, it looked like I fell nude down a luge. It just frictioned the hair of those exact parts. Or you're like a rug or a throw. The front is the bit that goes out.

I'm lying on my back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In front of a crackling fire yeah exactly exactly yeah yeah yeah so i'm not sure but like i say if it was like taken care of if it was like something i didn't have to think about a plan sure it wasn't too expensive i'd be a lot more tempted yeah it's the faff i if i was in like just in a massage parlour on holiday or something and they went by the way we can remove all this hair If you want, I'd be like yeah go for it

Well that's right, if I go to the barber and they're like We're going to put lit matches in your ears And fiddle your eyebrows and stuff What? A bit of Turkish barber Oh yeah That's for the hairs, the hair just like burns off Wow

I don't have the problem I've got slight ear fuzz, just on the lobe. A little fuzz. Gosh. Yeah. I've been less hairy than every girlfriend

I've ever had. Yes. And I've not had hairy girlfriends, but my... Honestly, listener, my arm is as smooth as a baby's bum.

I don't have a... Not a single hair. Phil's flesh is like porcelain, listeners. Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah. It really is. But eerie. Yes. Phil's flesh is like porcelain, listeners. Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah, it really is. But eerie.

Yes, it's something otherworldly or possibly angelic about it. Angelic or amphibian. Yeah. Yes, like you're a different order of life. Yes. Yes. But what effect do you think that has had on you, the girlfriend's thing? Does that make you more woke about body hair than perhaps a man for whom

that's the other way around as in i i don't expect women to be as as hairless as some men would yes um because you're you're starting from a point of look the one thing i know is i'll be hairier than me if anything it's made me all the more bigot because i go look ladies it's not hard look at me perfect you're like the body hair equivalent of those women who just have naturally incredible bouncy luscious hair just through genetics on the head yeah yeah and they're like why are you why don't you use nutri or whatever the fuck and it's completely genetic there's no amount of nutrient bound paste you can rub into your scalp to create that effect yeah yeah i'm like that yeah yeah yeah whereas if every woman i'd

ever dated was hairier than me they i don't think they'd have been women no very unlikely they would have been maybe east german bodybuilders yeah um you wouldn't be able to see her very much because she'd be on constant tour with the circus yes it would be this that wolf family from mexico the wolf people i don't know this they've got like wolf faces they look like they look like werewolves it's genuinely They look like werewolves. It's genuinely they look like werewolves. Are they around now? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some of them are still around. And they look, when I was a kid, I saw a documentary about them and they made me so afraid that my brain could not fucking process how scary they looked. Mexico wolf people. Yes.

Which, if I've made it up, imagine the sort of slur it implies. Oh, there they are. Oh, I hate it. That the sort of slur it implies Oh, there they are Oh, I hate it That's crazy, isn't it? And when you see them having a chat in the documentaries They seem like perfectly nice people But they're like a werewolf, like a real werewolf, right? Oh, no

Oh, no, it doesn't look real The dad looks like Andy Kaufman with hair plastered on his face Yeah I mean, I'm glad I don't I mean I'm glad I don't have to No I don't like this I'm glad I don't have hair on my actual eyelids And nose and whatever

Like it's so So much of it It looks like a bad costume Yes it looks like When there was a werewolf transformation In a movie made in about 1963. Exactly, yeah, that's what it looks like. Where they go like, we're just going to cover your body in makeup glue and just throw hair on you.

And whatever sticks, guess what? That's what's going to be there for being a werewolf. What would you do if you had that condition? That hair. Yeah, that's your thing now. Your whole body is like fuzzy. Well, I'd welcome the beard and I'd shave it so I had a lovely beard probably.

I'm sure there are procedures now that can kill those hair follicles. Would they have to laser their whole fucking body? What a faff. Why not? What a big faff. It's a bit of a faff. But I think it would be worth it.

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. Maybe, yeah. Would you laser? Would you just lie there? Maybe it would give you superpowers Yeah, maybe Maybe I'd have laser hair

Like the hairs themselves shoot lasers Like some sort of sci-fi blackbeard That'd be awesome Do you think sci-fi blackbeard? Yes, because his beard Was full of fireworks It was yeah That is And look

There's a long list Of Blackbeard facts That are pretty cool But that's up there Yeah just lighting his beard On fire before he met anyone To go like Yes

I am a child Of the underworld And just like If you've been at sea For months And suddenly A man whose beard Is made of fire

Leaps onto your ship going, you're going to give him what he wants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to be like, you know what? You want it more than I do, champ. I was watching a little documentary about pirates there. And you know the pirate queen of, the Chinese pirate queen? Yes, she had that like flotilla of junks.

She had the largest fleet in the world, I think, at the time. It was bigger than China's fleet. Yes. It was insane. And China had to basically pay her off to stop stealing from them. And they had to promise they'd leave her alone afterwards. And she just retired. Ah, so cool.

So cool. It was really badass. I think someone based on her as a character in Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Oh. Which is as far as I got with that. But there's a guy that, oh, yeah. Isn't there like a big pirate queen in Singapore? Yeah, maybe.

The Singapore scene is pretty cool. But I think they were like, her pirate fleet was like one of the largest economies in the world. No, it was just enormous. And smuggling and trading, yeah. And what have I done at 30? Don't even have one clipper. She was born under loads of boat signs. Ah, a floating boat.

Loads of dockyard signs. A floating boat. Made her good at boating. I wonder if I met someone born at the exact same second as me, they'd be like a demon warrior. And it's like uh yeah it's just because you uh you've you had asthma so you never you never reached your demon warrior potential i just don't buy into the all that determinism stuff i'm afraid no so everyone born

within the same week in january are all very similar it doesn't feel true although that said at my birthday party there were about six of us and we're all comedians. And we're all born within about the same two weeks of each other. And we all get on quite well and have similar social interests and temperaments. That is true. It is weird. Okay, maybe they have a point.

I take it back. I would like to figure out if all of the most insane people I know are Scorpios because I know enough about astrology from memes and Twitter to know that the Scorpios are like the crazy ones. Oh, really? Apparently, yeah. They're like the really spontaneous, like,

oh, you always have like a really torrid affair with a Scorpio. Oh, fun. Yeah, whereas we're like the nerds. I think Aquariuses are like unsociable book botherers yeah yeah maybe maybe um but then people who are people have long common get on and pair up well but then with astrology you're always like the same signs are never supposed to date or like they're never supposed to be together rules yeah you should leave them if you have similar characteristics then you would work well as a yeah is it about opposites attracting is it about filling in each other's

gaps hey uh they always say like oh there's like a your most compatible sign yeah should i look it up what's our most compatible sign oh okay should date? Let's turn this into a fucking obscene. I actually have a date after this. I'm going to ask her her sign. And if it doesn't coincide with mine, it's off. You heard it here first. And you'll now feel like it's a problem because he's put all this fucking gibberish in your head.

This is like volunteering to catch a disease in your brain. This is like volunteering to be given a new fear like a new phobia it's like when you find out that there's like a type of uh you know a spider that can crawl in your ears at night or whatever you go on well good now i'm gonna think about the ear spider and it doesn't matter that it only exists on one island in the galapagos yeah it's it still might happen yeah it's probably the one island in the galapagos yeah it's it still might happen yeah it's probably the one island in the galapagos in my fucking sink yeah climb out and come into my fucking comfortable ear uh okay so according to compatibleastrology.com which really hits the nail on the head

regarding my googling uh the most compatible signs with aquarius are generally considered to be aries gemini libra and sagittarius the least compatible or taurus and scorpio no bulls no scorps taurus and scorpio okay but what about same sign yeah i don't know can you just put in astrology are two aquarius compatible when an aquarius is in a relationship with another Aquarius, it can seem like it's just two independent people spending time together. That does track, actually, because it always was going to. It's much different. I hate the way American English works sometimes.

It's much different. It's much different. It's like it's been translated straight from Italian. Molte differente. Aquarians value freedom very highly in relationships and will work best with someone who understands that sometimes they need to be left alone. Okay, I can see that.

Oh shit, this is how it starts, isn't it? This is how it starts. Like smash cut, fast forward three podcasts from now. You're listening to the star pod where me and Phil are just, we've got some crystals here. Sorry I'm late, Pierre, just lighting another candle.

Just any time a bud pod, a pod bud meets us in real life, we just stink of incense. They're like, you used to stink of farts, man. You used to talk about dumps, man.

You used to be cool. Now all you talk about is stars. Stars aren't dumps. Now all you talk about is stars. Stars are dumps. Now all you talk about is the poop in the mind. Namaste, listener. You used to say keep jacking it. I was just, keep namaste-ing it.

What does that mean? Now you endorse all the tat because you say it gives you good vibes. And you're selling merch. You've got a dream catcher. Oh, God. Bud Pod Quartz crystals for helping you poop. What a terrible nightmare. you good vibes and you're selling merch you've got a dream catcher oh god bud pod quartz crystals for helping you poop the terrible nightmare god we'd make a lot of money that's the most depressing part of it we'd be the only boys in comedy who are interested in star science that would be like the like uh the only chick in the 70s who could play the electric guitar

right it would be that equivalent of like, what? Who is doing it? Maybe we'd be really attractive. Maybe we'd be sexy Starboys. All the flowerpile gals, yeah. I did see someone asking for, you know when journalists on Twitter are like, hey, Hivemind, write half my article for me.

Yeah. I don't want to do any research. Unbelievable, yeah. Yeah, I saw one which was, they're trying to write about like, like star sign fuckboys. Okay. Because fuck boys are the most adaptable creature out there they're they're evolution um in a nutshell then they're nimble and quick and they're quick to catch on to trends and ideas yes because there's a constant fight for

fuck boy survival yeah and they've latched on to the fact that astrology is a thing again and they've learned enough about themselves and astrology to use it to fuck boy ends. Okay. So to get laid more easily or to break up with someone being like, oh, I'm sorry, my cancer is now an Aquarius climbing and Uranus is in my face. Or whatever. And so, yeah, apparently that's the thing now. Well, good for them. They've adapted.

Yeah. You can't outwit the fuckboys, ladies. They will find a way. They're like water. They will find a way through. Path of least resistance. The only cure to avoid the fuckboy, ladies, is to develop a large cultural movement among women

that is very hard to replicate easily so like it's like beating the borg what the borg from star trek like sort of robot clone army oh okay okay the harder it is to replicate yeah yeah so something like feminism or star science a guy can just say that shit that yeah that's a language where you just need a little guidebook and and you're in the pub and you're buying things on the market. You're having a great time. Yeah. It's an easy language to pick up.

Yeah. Whereas if ladies were all just suddenly really into, hmm, what would it be? Radical honesty? Radical, or like finding the bit where the sellotape starts. Suddenly, I think you separate the wheat from the chaff. Like an actual mechanical task. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Something that you can't just fake by saying the right words. What about just, oh yeah, ah, what about like oil paintings? Right, okay, yeah. Just like being really- Photorealistic. Photorealistic portraits. And then now we're back in the 1700s and art's going to come back and it's going to be great.

Because all the... Even if the fuckboys do manage it, they'll have to study under a master in a guild for 15 years. And then we've got all this great art. Yeah. And so if fuckboys are going to be working this hard to be fuckboys, we may as well benefit as a society. Yeah, they might as well contribute to either culture or the economy.

Yes, or if you ladies, you could all do your best. Ladies and men, men are plagued by fuckboys, I believe, as well. Anyone out there plagued by fuckboys. If you could seem at least, if not genuinely, become very aroused by high-level mass medical studies. aroused by high level mass medical studies and like huge research projects so there's loads of labor like pipetting into little tubes and analyzing and analyzing again and statistical analyses all these scientists with the lab coats unbuttoned down to the bottom of their chests and like the collars popped. And they're wearing goggles,

but they're like those visored party shades. Yeah, yeah, they're sort of Kanye West bars, yeah. Yes, Dr. Fuckboy MD. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ring letters, emails, phone calls, your sister, your best friend, ring letters, correspondence. Correspondence Correspondence again We are

Slowly but surely Catching up I've said that based on no evidence I mean look mathematically we must be Yes Because we're just doing more Catherine gets in touch Catherine do the math-rin.

Nice. Hi, Phil and Pierre. I've been catching up on Bud Pod episodes after a tiny hiatus while planning my trip to Korea. Bud Pods like Korea. Pod Buds like Korea, do they? Yeah, they seem to. What were they?

The guy who lived in Korea? That's true. Some other guy? I don't know. Someone in an earlier episode mentioned that Korea has something of an affinity for an animated poop character That's right A character from my childhood I had completely forgotten

And that came rushing back when I listened to the episode I had wallets and little purses adorned with the character She says But that's not where the affinity ends More affinity, infinity affinity Yes, Korea also has a poop cafe Where lattes are sipped from toilets And food is eaten from urinals

Yikes And breads and desserts are baked into the shape of poop And poop pillows abound also has a poop cafe where lattes are sipped from toilets and food is eaten from urinals yikes and breads and desserts are baked into the shape of poop and pooper pillows abound gosh i think even i'd have a hard time no that'd be hard wouldn't it yeah um i believe some clubs in germany also have a poop cafe um here's a link to their hashtag on instagram as proof. What is the hashtag? Yeah, what does the hashtag say? Hashtag Poop Cafe. Maybe it's all in Korean. Probably be in Korean.

Eat your poop in Korean. Eat your poop, you won't be seen. It is in Korean. But yeah, poop on a latte. Oh yeah, so instead of the classic heart shape on top of the latte, it's an emoji poo. It is smiling.

The place is called Dedong Cafe. We've come across Dedong before, haven't we? Which directly translates to Poop Cafe. Well remembered. Seems like a place that's right up your alley if a trip to Seoul is in your future. Seoul? Seoul?

Seoul. I've always said Seoul. Koji Catherine. And she's attached to a piece of tat But the image has not worked Fail tat Anthony I was about to say his last name

Anthony gets in touch Anthony no name The man with no Anthony Dearest 34 double Ps 34 double Ps What's 34? 34 double P's Like boobs What's 34? Like 34 double D's Oh okay

Double P's would be You'd have to have serious surgery Back pain Can you imagine? Dear me Doesn't matter thinking about it I'm currently looking to move house And whilst trawling the housing sites

I've been exposed to a plethora of utter garbage That people have decided to indelibly daub on the walls of their homes. Usually in foot-high italics. God. Having gone down this rabbit hole, I have decided to compile a list of the ones which most provoke a chimp-like, poo-flinging, dirty protest response.

Great. Wow, someone out on the front lines of tat. My God, he's there doing the work so we don't have to. And this isn't even just shop tat, this is tat people have committed to having in their homes. Mural tat. It's drawn straight onto the walls. Uh-huh.

Like a toddler. Yeah, boy. God. Yeah. Bathroom rules, colon. Wash, brush, floss, flush. Hmm. I guess.

I mean, I don't mind that, except it's the sort of thing you would find in a sort of budget hotel or an asylum where it's got to the point where they've had to paint how to use the toilet onto the fucking wall they don't remember what to do in there yeah it's been so long since they were on the outside yeah uh here's one uh How can a man who can hit a deer at 250 yards keep missing the toilet? Which is strange because I don't know if Anthony is contacting us from North America, but I don't know how much deer hunting goes on in London.

That's such a funny thing to level, a funny criticism to level at men in general. Yeah. I mean, y'all can shoot a deer from 100 yards every sunday with the guys but you can't get your pee in the toilet yeah that is an image of men that is like uh that has never been it's like that and it's something a woman who'd only ever seen men on the toilet on the toilet on the tv or read about men would assume they they do all the time yeah and has gone to either an all-girls school or has grown up in a really like gender segregated society

yeah they've never the the idea of what men talk about when they're hanging out together is just this incredible mystery that is of no interest. Don't dream your life. Live your dreams. Yep, saw that coming. Horrible. I'll live your dreams. What does that mean, don't dream your... Don't dream your life. You have to think about things sometimes, okay?

Sometimes you have to imagine things. You have to think about the past and what you learned and think about the future and plan. That's not good, Tapp. Just plan ahead in big letters. Well, it's not even... Right, yeah, exactly. Plan ahead.

Plan ahead. That's just a reminder. Do your work. A big knitted poster saying, do your work. No one owes you anything. People aren't against you. They're out for themselves. It's so much more useful than any

Better advice than don't dream your life Life takes you to unexpected places Love brings you home No no no No no no That one stings That one really hurts Someone got me right in the gut

Love brings you home Does life take you in the gut. Love brings you home. Does life take you to unexpected places? Uber brings you home. Okay? I'm reminded of a very funny story by your old friend and mine, Rob Frimston. Ah, yes. Who's a very talented writer, comedy writer, and I think he's a big improv guy now as well. Anyway, Rob had a

friend from school who, she was like a teller in a bank, you know? Yeah. She works in a bank. I'll tell you. I'll tell you how much money you have. No money! I'm the bank teller. Shh, come on, man. Hey, hey, keep your voice down. Sorry, can't help it. I'm a teller. The best teller in town.

And she was like a perfectly normal person, but she had a big tattoo on her arm that said well-behaved women don't make history oh i've heard of this one before and rob was always like are you gonna rob the bank what do you fucking mean like yeah if you you turn up at work on time if i'm interviewing her at the bank and i read that tattoo it's gonna count against it's a security risk yeah it's like right so you've written on your arm forever someday remember to be a criminal there's nothing more chilling than someone saying out loud they want to make history and being vague about or how about any way they can they'll just a school shooting whatever it takes i just want to be on takes. I just want to be on the news.

I just want to be on the news. I just want people to know my name. And I mean, we're saying that as stand-ups. Yeah. Yeah, it's chilling

if they don't care about how, and also like- Yeah, stand-ups are just school shooters who bottled it. That's all we are. They only,

they only kill with their rapier wit. Yes, and also the fact that if you know enough about history, you know how many incredibly important and influential people no one's heard of. So for you to want to make history, your ambition is so psychotic and high. The thing you're going to do is going to have to be really bad. Yeah. Because if you want to be known by a lot of people in history, you

only need to kill about 30 people. Whereas most doctors have probably saved about 30 people. Right. Do you reckon? Engineers have saved more. Yeah. Yeah? Engineers have saved more people than any other kind of profession. But we don't go on about it. People don't know the name of the guy who gave away

the polio vaccine for free. Even though he didn't have to. I don't remember his name now. And I've read it many times. It's so boring. Yeah. What a wet blanket giving shit away for free. Could have been a trillionaire surrounded by the corpses of the young. That Genghis Khan.

Dream higher than the sky and deeper than the ocean. So airlessness and lava. Yeah, wherever you can't breathe. A vacuum of space and the hottest part of the planet. Suffocate. That's what that person's saying. Suffocate, then burn. Suffocate to death.

I would love some metal tat, as it were. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brutal metal tat. Sure. Suffocate, then burn. Best friends for life dot dot dot husband and wife no

I never saw it go in there best friends for life husband and wife repulsive that is a Fred and Rose West fucking piece of tat there's really something sinister to that whole it's you and me against the world baby kind of attitude. It's not nice. I don't care what

social services says. We're gonna make it together. Yeah, that's the kind of couple that chain up the kids in the basement. I know society says we shouldn't, but it's you and me against the world, baby. If the kid wants to smoke, who's gonna tell him not to? I'm not.

Best friends for life life husband and wife anthony says uh is it just me would you have to be a fucking psycho to look at your own house for emotional support and motivational instruction keep on checking it and thanks and it's a real treasure trove there it's also important and because that's some of the first mural tat we've had and told a story like a grizzled detective telling us about the worst crime scenes he's seen on the job. The other estate agent ran out and vomited.

Yeah, he's green. Don't worry about the rook. Come on, rook. I was three days in on the job and it said live, laugh, love. I just... That's when I knew I'd hate this job, but I could never leave.

You can't forget something like that. You have to leave your heart at home. You have to leave your soul at home. Can't bring it with you. No, not in work like this. That's a weird bit of text. That's a weird bit of that doesn't that's a weird email.

It was just about something that didn't make sense. Okay, it happens. If anything I'm amazed we don't get more absolutely psychotic stuff. I have thought like, when is that going to really start? This is some more tat sent in.

Just correspondence and tat mixed together. From Kate. Kate. Great. Great. Dear PNP, I've been listening to the pod for a while now. Not as a founding father, because I was initially put off by Phil's poo testing story. How could you be?

Wow, that's sort of a ground zero for me. That's where most people's love started. Exactly. But since returning to the pod around episode 20, I'm pleased to say that my tolerance for poo-based humor has shot through the roof. Heck, I even enjoy it at times. God, what a damp praise.

That's very funny. I'm not actively revolted anymore, and sometimes I even like it. Anyway, she says, I thought you might be interested in the toilet tat that was recently advertised to me on Instagram, the new QVC. I find it quite conflicting. It's hideous, and I hate it. But it reminds me of Bud Pod, and so it also brings me joy. Ah, bittersweet.

Bittersweet tat. Yeah. I hope you enjoy it, or at the very least It sparks a short discussion And so I'm going to have a look At these little files here And we have A silhouette of a toilet

A black toilet silhouette On a white background And written in white On the black silhouette In curly whirly writing It says Flush the toilet Close the lid

Flush the toilet Close the lid Flush the toilet Close the lid It's sort of done in the style of sort of um a cool american tattoo that's a black plush the plush black yes with a very stark white cursive writing on it so it's of an artistic style that belies the rather functional message yes um in just like handwriting, like big sort of slightly fuzzy handwriting,

this just says, have a nice poo. I like that. That's good. That's not tat. Have a nice poo. Actually, the more I look at it, the more annoyed I am. Yeah, the curly-whirliness of the writing is the problem. Because it's kind of like, aren't we mad? We're just kind of open about it here? Yeah. Like, we're just kind of

mad. Just when you come back from the guest bathroom, don't be too Aren't we mad? We're just kind of open about it here? Yeah. We're just kind of mad? Just when you come back from the guest bathroom, don't be too shocked at the sense of humor we've injected into this. We'll have Cards Against Humanity open for you when you come back. With AIDS. That's now what I say whenever anyone mentions Cards Against Humanity to me in conversation. I go, with AIDS. I point at them, and if they don't laugh then I don't know why they like the game

that's exactly the game you never know what you've got until it's gone, and that's in Curly Willy writing and underneath in stark printed font, like toilet paper for example hmm hmm but I think I do know what I've got when I have Lurol Like toilet paper, for example.

Yeah, it's... But I think I do know what I've got when I have Lurol. Lurol? Like, you never know what you've got until it's gone. Oh, yeah. It's about taking things for granted. Yeah, it is, yeah. I don't know if I really take Lurol for granted. I never do know.

We have a Lurol basket in the toilet now, next to the toilet. So there's always loo roll. And I appreciate it every time I'm sat in there. I look over and I go, oh, I'm so glad all this loo roll's here. It's like mindfulness. Yeah. Poopy mindfulness.

Yeah, I think I am blessed. Actually, life's all right. I could shit here for hours and I'd still have enough to wipe my bum with. You'd be fine. This is bad. This is curly willy writing again um and when i say curly willy listeners i don't mean like an overly spiraling valentine's day card cursive i'm talking about like someone someone's actual possible handwriting is trying to sort of a mimic of someone's possible actual day-to-day handwriting. It says, Flush it. Flush it real good.

And real is spelt with, like, elongated E-E-A-A-ry. Yeah, it's bad. That's bad. That's a bad one. Because that's a reference to quite an old song. It's like, oh, that's smart. It's such an old song. It's not really contemporary anymore. It's obvious the possibility of that joke has been around for ages,

and it's only taking you to now. Yeah. Flush it. Flush it. Yeah, I hate it. I hate it, actually. I'd be upset if I saw that. I hate it.

Thanks a lot. Yeah, thank you very much, Kate. Thanks, Kate. I've got to go. Yeah. That's the podcast for this week. Oh, it's our last podcast in the. I've got to go. Yeah. That's the podcast for this week. Oh, it's our last podcast in the EU.

Shit, it is. Yeah, this is coming out two days before Brexit Day. Our last podcast in the people. Our last plopplast in the plea-ploo. Oh, dear. I hope you all enjoy, I don't know, Beef Wellington and muskets, because that's what's happening from now on.

Yeah, so see you in the new and improved Britain In a week The real Britain A free Britain Can't wait for our first ever free podcast God can you imagine podcasting as free men at last God's sake Thanks for listening everyone Bye