BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 48 - Sovereignty Pod!

Episode Date: February 5, 2020

Sovereignty Pod! Pierre Novellie and Phil Wang are FREE AT LAST! Fishing is important, EU sadness or not sadness, Michelin stars and birthday mysteries from the maître d. Wine is to Phil what guns are to Pierre. 1917 is a brilliant film obviously and Pierre’s reading books suspiciously. Phil’s on tour! What’s Pierre’s version of blackface? Does Phil have coronavirus?  Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Land of hope and glory, fishing's really important. Nothing's bigger than fishing. Fishing, I can't emphasize it enough. It's a sovereignty pod, Phil. How do you feel? Even though we're now a services based economy people still think we make guns. Well yes, listener, you might have noticed

that Pierre and I are sounding particularly free today. I don't know if you can hear the sovereignty that drips from every syllable that passes our sweet lips. This is the first Bud Pod in a free United Kingdom, free from the chains of a tyrannical European Union, free at last to do what we want to do. And we want to drown in the Atlantic. in the Atlantic.

I think what we want to do before we drown is to spend possibly as long as seven years very slowly negotiating a more difficult way of doing things. We're going to spend seven years to find a more difficult way

of doing as close a thing as possible to what we were doing before. Yes. That's the ideal. The ideal is that we spent years and years of time and effort and billions of pounds to renegotiate a deal we already had for free. Yes.

And the things that we're getting in exchange for that are it's harder to move here, is the theory. We want it to be harder to move here for people from europe because it's already fucking hard to move here from not europe right and you want to make it equally hard for europe yes we want it to be as difficult to move here from france as it is from south africa or malaysia for either of us, or Ghana, Brazil, anywhere. Everyone is just drowning in forms and treated with great suspicion. That's the dream.

Yeah, I think Brexit is all one big hoax invented by the paper industry to sell more forms. Yes, you're in the pocket of big forms. to sell more forms yes you're in the pocket of big form did you uh did you watch any of the sad european parliament stuff no i couldn't really bring myself to on the day that on the last um european parliament day for the british i i watched a little clip of everyone singing auld lang syne but i i i didn't want to give brexiteers the satisfaction of my paying attention interesting you know i mean interesting what like the idea you know when when um like in the movie a gal breaks up with her boyfriend and and she starts crying and the other gal's like he's not worth it oh yeah yeah yeah, yeah. Hey, come on. We're going out.

That's how I felt about Brexit. We're going out. I said that to myself. We're going out tonight. You're trying to sass. We're getting fucked. Woo! You were trying to sass your way out of Brexit grief.

Yeah. And it kind of worked, actually. It did. Well, I think that's what the country did as a whole. I mean, it was extraordinary the lack of interest That official Brexit Day passed with Considering all the drama that led up to it Yeah, yes, and

I mean, that's a great British strength Is to really care about something during it And then once it is a bygone conclusion Everyone goes, eh, eh, move on That's true, isn't it? I watched some of the parliamentary speeches and things and it's a sign of how insane everything has gotten where it's like

a lot of the stuff about the EU is not nice it has loads of issues and a lot of the people at the highest level of it are like completely out of touch weird continental academics like they've often done that really Germanic thing of getting completely out of touch, weird continental academics. Like they've often done that really Germanic thing of getting nine degrees in philosophy

from eight different universities. It's like Professor whoever of Leipzig. And they're just completely like, well, if the Greeks wanted food, they sort of invested in the 70s or whatever. They're very, you know, like, but then the fact that that's the case, and I was watching it going, oh, the beautiful community of the – that's how crazy things have gotten is that it was like watching a sad bit of a film where like the heroes are getting cast out of the halls of greatness or whatever.

I mean it's sort of like a bit in like a Marvel film where a sort of anti-hero-like villain dies, and you go, oh, actually, they were pretty good. Oh, I liked a version of Deadpool or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, so, I mean, I was very sad watching it, and then I watched, did you see any of the interviews with sovereign patriots in Trafalgar Square? No, but I did see some um news pieces like reports from

this brexit centers around the world around the world around the uk yes so like um i think there was one in dover or whatever and i was trying to give brexit is the benefit of the doubt and go you know what no they're they're they're not uh scum guzzling morons they just have a different view of nationhood and society than I do and literally the first person this reporter went up to saying how do you feel today

and this stupid woman just went I just I feel English you know I just I feel like she's doing that shoulder drop like she just had that so shoulder drop like she just had a lovely shout i just feel english and then and then they cut to another interview with a horrible little troll yeah um and they're like how do you feel today i'm happy oh because

you know they were and she literally said they were telling us what shape to grow our fruit in. They were telling us this and telling us that. And it's just good to be, you know, British again. And after seeing those, it was like, no, I was right. They're all scum, guzzly morons. And we've done this for the worst elements of our society. We have shot ourselves in the foot to spite the ugliest faces. I find it quite funny, the idea that you have one of these big rallies and you've got some like incredibly academic Brexiteer.

You know, they're sat there going like, yes, the reason is that, you know, if you look at the Maastricht Treaty, the way that it treats the concept of the nation state, you know, the trouble is, and they've got these really like completely philosophically coherent and extremely complex reasons for not liking the EU's like constitutional points. And then they stood next to someone going, if I want to grow a banana in a straight line, and they're having to go, yes, we all have the the right idea they're all having to sort of agree with each other and even though they find each other completely baffling yeah i guess i just i saw the ones in trafalgar square where the bbc reporter said to the woman but how's your what are you looking forward to changing about your life day to day and she was like well you know we can have our own laws can't we and i've said that

faster and better than i recommend finding that clip here's chilling what is chilling she just doesn't get to the point there's nothing there's nobody it's nothing going to change day to day for this woman she doesn't run a small bottling company yeah or whatever it's not like well the importation of glass may be more or less difficult depending it's like no she's just there going hello i hate i hate the idea of foreign things i mean yeah i mean you have to give it to nigel uh farage that he's he had he has mobilised the most significant change in British foreign policy on the back of a hunch

since like the 50s but it's just a hunch hey everyone you know this hunch you have and everyone's going not really and he went alright well now you have this hunch and everyone's like oh yeah I guess we have a hunch use that hunch to completely paralyse British politics for a decade.

Yes, yes. And to change it, everything. I mean, he's probably the most successful politician of the 21st century so far in the UK. He's just achieved a dream without ever being in Parliament. He's never even been an MP. He's just sat there going, I like smoking fags in pubs And everyone's gone I mean how can we resist

How can we resist the tidal wave of this man's message I don't know It's um I was reminded the other day It's easy to forget Phil We're members of the metropolitan Liberal elite who live in London Yes as everyone should be

I mean that's the point isn't it everyone should be yeah well you know the dream but now we're all going to be turned into crofters and noble hooksmen and things like that yes it'll be good to finally learn a trade it will be actually very satisfying to learn a trade

but I'd forgotten the kind of attitudes that i grew up around to an extent um and a guy who i went to school with who i haven't seen in many years um some of my friends saw him the other day and uh he was disparaging about the idea of picking up food from a French supermarket on a trip. He wanted to pick up the food from a British supermarket. In France? They were going to go through France, yeah.

Right. And they were like, well, why don't we just wait till we're in France and we can just buy stuff there. Oh, I see, I see, I see. And he was like, no. He was very like, oh, no, it will taste of foreign gubbins. Right, so it wasn't that he wanted to avoid supporting a French economy to avoid supporting a french economy over british economy it's just he was scared of what he was like afraid he was he was like fearful and and and disgusted on instinct basis of what might be in a french supermarket you know the country that's arguably one of the best food making countries on earth and

the word cuisine is french like michelin stars are french and so on. And he was like a fearful peasant of the idea of just buying Le Jaffa Cakes instead of fucking Jaffa Cakes. But that was, genuinely, it was enough for him to be like, I'd rather carry bags of food.

To be fair to me, European crisps are scary. When you go in Europe and they're like... Leek and onion. Yeah, those flavors are insane. Paprika everywhere. I like that, though. I like a paprika crisp.

What did I have? Oh, jamón ibérico. What? Crisps? We were in Porto the other weekend because I'm part of the elite. And the crisps they had were... We got bags of jamón ibérico'm part of the elite and that's right they had we got bags of jamon iberico crisps were just like that a very expensive fine spanish ham is that particular ham to flavor the crisp it'd be so interesting to see how much that just tastes like smoky bacon

yeah yeah it's just by bag of frazzles it's Exactly. It's the same flavor powder from the industrial hopper. But they're like, why don't we just call it jamon iberco for the English market? No, no. They don't like nice things. They want the smoke and the bacon, the cheap bacon. They will like this. We'll make up a new word. Frazzles?

Frazzles. What is the noise of when the English, they put the spam in the hot pan? Fressles. Fressles. We call it this. It will remind them of the low quality pork that they enjoy so much. Fressles. We make an onomatopoeic crisp. Fressles.

You know Michelin? The Michelin star? It is the same Michelin as the Michelin man. It is the tyre company, isn't it? Yeah, because back when the car was in, around the time the car was invented, the motoring started becoming a thing. The Michelin people wanted to encourage people to drive.

So they came up with the Michelin Guide, which was sort of a guide of restaurants and stuff and hotels around the country for motorists to stop by. Right. So they were like, this is a good one drive here yeah and they started rating restaurants and stuff and then over the years it became the titan the titan that is now the do i but it's still but i think it's so funny that the two places you see the the big fat white michelin man are at the best restaurants in the world

and garages. Yes. That is like the stereotype of a rich guy, isn't it? He's all big and fat and white and he just loves cars and food like an oligarch. But not just any food. Tiny

plates of tiny, itty, bitty food. All in one spoon. Yeah, of like beach smoke cured halibut with a sort of drizzle of something. Yeah, yeah. And he still eats enough of it to be that fat. That's what's really rich about him. I don't understand why Michelin stars like, even understanding the history of it,

used to be this guide, where it's like, oh, it's the seventh best restaurant on Earth. it has one michelin star you're like what all right yeah so in the old days was it like the classic one two three four five stars and they've just deflated there's been a deflation of stars you can get up to three three is the most three is the most you can get was that always the case do you think have they just gone we're handing these out like sweets i don't know no one's gonna motor their way to these restaurants if we keep saying that fucking denny's or whatever is worth two stars no no i don't know um what would what uh how many

stars would you give uh bud pot um let's see let's rate Bud Pod on various different categories. I think if Bud Pod was a... I think the smell is pretty bad. Yeah, but it's like... What's that fruit that smells like vomit, but it's like a delicacy? Which one? In Malaysia? Yeah. Durian?

Durian, yeah. We like durian fruit. Right, right, right, right, yeah. It's very stinky, but tastes delicious. Yeah,? Durian, yeah. We like durian fruit. Right, right, right, right. Yeah. Very stinky, but tastes delicious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very creamy. I think if Bud Pod was a restaurant, it would be like one of those restaurants where they go, the fare is very traditional and basic,

but they've done with such skill. Because we're not trying to do anything complicated. This isn't a souffle. No. It's like, look look it's roast potatoes it's just a full potato but it's the real essence of potato they've really nailed it

I think so, I like to think so Now we here at the BBC are very concerned with balance we are dedicated to providing a balanced range of opinions. And so we have here with us a stupid Remainer. Yes, hello. Hello. Hi.

Yep, I voted Remain. I don't like the North, so when they say that something's made them poor, I think good, because I don't like you, I don't think you deserve things, because you speak English incorrectly. And I just vaguely, you know, I prefer foreign food to the food we have here, just generally, and that makes me, you know, I vote along those lines about how much i dislike maybe sunday roast and i hear that uh before the 2016 referendum you did not know what the eu was is that correct yeah no i thought it was like a passport thing like uh you know like um just like a way of saving time for holly bobs it's a word i use it's right so you do say holly bobs yeah and you really i'm

very you really are thick it's a twee as well wow okay, so you do say holly bobs as well. You really are thick. And twee as well. Wow, okay, that's really awful. Because I've noticed that the levers are twee in a way that's like sort of a porcelain bulldog. Yes. Whereas I'm twee in like sort of a homemade bobble hat. Right, yes, that is awfully twee and irritating. I understand that after the day of the referendum,

you liked a post on social media which was sort of a photograph of wine and cheese and pâtés on one end of a table and then sort of baked beans and mouldy bread on the other end. And spam or something, wasn't it? And spam. And there was a big chasm between them. And the post said, this is what we've done.

And you liked that and you thought it was very insightful. Yes, I actually sent it to several of the tedious WhatsApp groups I'm a member of. Fantastic. Yeah, including the Poetry Society one. Well, okay, that is really awful. And you asked thick. Thank you very much for joining us thank you it's my pleasure oh so on my birthday day um i went to a um um michelin star restaurant

because it's my 30th i'll treat myself myself. Yeah. Um, and also my, my sister ended up getting for me for my birthday. Very nice. Thank you sister. So I went to my sister and I got there first, um, arrived. Out of breath.

Running, running. Yeah. Yeah. I was just so excited. Yeah. And, uh,

I got the first and then my sister arrived. Um, and I was at the table already and she came over and she said, happy birthday. And she gave me a little hug and sat down and and then the way the sort of maitre d came over he said madam uh good evening thank you for joining us and sir i do believe it's your birthday today and and i was like huh what how do you know that he's going to kill you and he just went oh a little bird told me.

And he wasn't English. He was Italian. So I don't know how he says that. Oh, a little bird told me. And I was like, oh, okay. Right. And we started getting served the dishes. And it's like a tasting menu.

So it's like loads of little dishes. Yeah, yeah. And each one is presented by a different chef from the kitchen who comes over and tells you a different chef yeah that sounds exhausting and very willy wonka yeah it was really wonderful actually and uh one one of the like the third dish or something was brought over by this very nice uh cook who like um gave us the dish and explained it and threw in a couple of jokes and I was like hmm and then she said

to me I'm a big fan by the way I've been watching you for a while and I was like oh wow thanks and I realised I should have laughed more at her jokes but now she's going to think I'm a real diva he doesn't like other jokes just his own and then when she went away my sister was like oh that's how they Now she's going to think I'm a real diva. He doesn't like other jokes. Just his own.

And then when she went away, my sister was like, oh, that's how they know that it was your birthday. She must have seen your name on the reservation list and go, oh, I wonder why he's coming. And then my birthday is on my Wikipedia. So she went, oh, it's his birthday. And then she told everyone. I was like, yeah, maybe that's it.

It seems a bit much still. Yeah. And I still reckon my brain throughout the dinner, how they know it's my birthday. I said to the guy, can I just ask how you know my birthday? It's my birthday. He goes, I don't know, maybe.

We have our ways. So he'd rather imply that he's a spy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Than just fucking tell you. Every good maitre d' should imply that they are a spy and could kill you. I think you want to be there at that level of fear. Yeah, because he's right in a way

to keep the secrets of maitre d'ing away from you. Yeah, absolutely. He wants it to be like Grand Budapest Hotel or something where it's like, flowers? But I didn't even realize I wanted them. Anticipating the guest's needs. And then I remembered, oh, my friend

my friend Holly today was texting me saying, hope you enjoyed dinner. And she's very, very nice. And so maybe she called ahead and said, hey, my friend's coming over. It's his birthday. Please make him feel better. And then

we got to the end must be it and then we got to the end of the dinner and as we're getting our coats on and getting ready to go i just say one more time to matri d like how did you know it was my birthday and he said uh oh when your sister came in and gave you a hug she said happy birthday the sneaky the easiest way is always the way this after they gave me like a letter from the restaurant from the chef saying we were all here like to wish you a happy birthday and a sign by the chef and everything how do they know how they've had they have they had time to write this up and print it they've got this like they've got this big filing cabinet full of happy birthday cards that's amazing but that's great that's like a good murder mystery They've got this big filing cabinet full of happy birthday cards.

But that's great. That's like a good murder mystery. Yeah. It's always like, no, it was a knife. And also everything you need to know is right at the beginning. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, exactly, exactly. It was all there.

You could have figured it out. Yeah. But you overcomplicated it. You're thinking, what if there was a satellite that tracked me from the day of my birth? Also, there's a really fun bit of the dinner where a few of the courses came with a wine pairing. And the maitre d' brought out one. He said, each one, we were told exactly what the drink was. And this one, he came out and said, with two glasses, said,

this one, I won't let you try and figure out. It's a surprise. See if you can figure out what this is. And I was like, yes, challenge accepted. This is your wine dream. Yeah, this is my wine dream. It was the best birthday ever. And so I was sniffing it.

And like, tasting like, mmm, God, I know that taste from somewhere. What is that for? Mmm. My sister's just like, sorry, what are you? And I'm just, and then I realized, oh, that smell, that taste, I think it's not like a sake I've had before,

but there's an element there that's definitely sake. That's of a ricey sort of alcohol taste. And then, so I went to the maitre d', I was like, excuse me. A little bird told me. A little bird told me. A little bird told me that this is sake. And he sort of whacked his head back and went, oh, well done. Like a cartoon of a maitre d'.

And your dick just exploded. Yeah, yeah. I was so happy. Oh, well done. Let me get you the bottle. And he went over and got the bottle and brought it over. So I'd won a prize. He told us all about this sake.

And then my sister was like, you know, he probably just does that for any guess. Any guess is correct. And back there, he has this cabinet just full of different bottles. There's like a Pepsi bottle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A water bottle. Apricot juice. I think, yes, it is. It's right at the end of the cellar, though,

so it'll take me 10 minutes to go and buy some. Just hard cut to him outside the restaurant running to Sainsbury's. But also, and then running from Sainsbury's to an off-license run by, like, an Asian guy. Yeah, because you're not going to get apricot juice You're not going to get apricot juice. You're not going to get apricot juice. No, you're going to have to go to the food and wine.

Foreign food and wine. Yeah, and they'll be like, wow, what brand? What size of apricot? Exactly. What breed? Species, yes. That's great though.

That's what you want a maitre d' to tell you is well done on something like that. Well done. That's,, though. That's what you want a maitre d' to tell you, is well done on something like that. Well done. That's what you want, is to impress a historically unimpressable man. To impress a cartoon villain. Yes, yes, yes. To impress someone who is trying to foil the schemes

of a sort of talking dog and his owner. It's always a sort of cruel maitre d'. Yeah. I don't know where. A little black moustache. Yeah. I don't know where the writers of these American adventure silly films got such a bad experience with fine dining from. I don't know where this grudge started.

with fine dining front i don't know where this grudge started i'm trying to think what my equivalent of that would be for wine and a maitre d saying well done or like what would make you really satisfied make your dick explode yeah or or be just be such an on-brand thrill probably correcting um uh correcting a very highly respected historian on a detail? That would probably be good. No, not correcting, because then that's like I'm beating them. Right. I don't need to beat them.

Maybe if I said something and they're like, yes, exactly. Or they're like, yes, that's an interesting thought. All right. Maybe that's it. Yeah. Yeah, maybe that would be it. Actually, when I went on...

David Sarky. No. The prominent racist historian, David Sarky. No. The prominent racist historian, David Sarky. Maybe you could turn him good. I'll just say, I think everyone's... All races are equal. He'll go, oh. Like, no one ever actually just said it to him directly.

They all just assumed he'd heard it and discounted it. He's waiting for someone else to say it. Oh, well, I mean, if you say so. Oh, interesting. I guess that's an interesting point. Actually, I've thought of it. I've thought of what it was it's happened oh yeah yeah i've i've remembered um uh for my brother and my brother-in-law is is he's from the north of england but he's part his family's like polish okay so for his stag do, when he was marrying my older sister, we went to Krakow. Oh, yeah?

Is it Krakow or Krakow? Krakow in terms of how you'd read it if you were in Poland. Right. If you said Krakow, they'd go, meh. Okay. Meh. Yeah. Meh?

Krakow. Krakow. Yeah. Okay. I guess I'm being unfair because I say Krakow but I don't say Warsaw What's Warsaw? Warsaw Oh Yeah

Warsaw Warsaw That's much sexier than Warsaw Warsaw Warsaw must be the most badass name though It's got war and saw in it War and saw

Yeah, Warsaw War Saw The Warsaw Bring the Warsaw Bring forward the Warsaw Sir, the gates gates they're holding bring in the war saw

that's a really funny siege weapon just a big saw just going in like a hand saw it takes forever to win a duel with a war saw just slowly saw off your enemy's head

it's very difficult to win stop fidgeting so we're in Krakow Just taking down the walls. Slowly saw off your enemy's head. It's very difficult to win. Stand still. Stop fidgeting. So we're in Krakow. Yeah. Or near Krakow at this point. And we went to a shooting range.

Nice. Yeah. And it's Poland. So it's like. War gun. War guns. We went to war gun. Yeah.

And it was really good because you could get like AK-47s and Uzis and all kinds of crazy shit and there's like a generic package you can pay for where they just go with you you start with like pistols and move your way up to an ak yeah it was great and it was poland so it was like uh i was like what if i want to shoot more than just like it was like 20 it was like one magazine or like one you know load per weapon uh-huh so it wasn't like a lot and i was like one magazine or one load per weapon. So it wasn't like a lot. And I was like, what if I want to shoot two magazines for the AK-47? And the guy went, you have to pay extra money. And I said, how much? And it was like two quid.

It was like, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep it coming. Leave the bottle of bullets. But I was the only person in the stag With any kind of range time Range time? Like time spent on a shooting range I was the only person who'd ever been trained

Or used to using weapons or whatever Even to the minor extent that I've been So I was doing it all properly Like I was firing in bursts and so on And I had to go first Because everyone was like, right, you go first We have no idea what the fuck we're doing Two guys didn't want to do it.

They were scared? They were like, no, we're not going to do it. Wow. Because they were so loud and the recoil was so big. They were like, fuck this. It is scary. They hated it. I thought I was right in there. There's also an amazing amount of trust you're putting into everyone else at the shooting range.

To not just turn around and go, ah! Just mow your down. No, the Polish guy running the range was I'd say 7 feet tall and wide He was like a building He was like a small outbuilding Enormous He could have taken a few bullets In order to get to

He looked like the kingpin from Spiderman Wow yeah He would just absorb them And fire them back With the muscle under all the fat Just flex once and then they all just pop back out. Pew! Yeah.

No, this dude was an absolute fridge of a man. And he would stand right behind you. So I guess he'd just snap your neck really quickly. The second you turned around to go, wow, isn't this cool? Oh, so it's one at a time? Yeah. Oh. It's one at a time.

It was a range. So the range had like six standing slots. Yeah there's like 14 of us right and also he's this guy this is this english stag do asshole package we've bought right yeah so he's not like hey what load up everyone the liability special fuck me exactly yeah and you can see him looking at us like like the safety briefing was a lot more aggressive yeah than it to be. Because he was just like, I've seen these guys' trainers. I don't trust them. I don't trust these fucking thugs. I've seen enough Englishmen come here and ruin everything and vomit everywhere.

I've seen what they can do to a small Spanish town unarmed. Let alone with an AK-47. Exactly, yeah. And I think we were probably all very hungover as well by that point. But yeah, so I was like, who wants to go first? And I was volunteered, you know. Yeah.

I was right in there. I loved it. What were they called in Hunger Games? A tribute. A tribute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was self-tributing. Yeah.

Yes, me. Yes, yes, yes. It was my Disneyland. Because I was self-attributing. Yeah. Yes, me. Yes, yes, yes. It was my Disneyland. And because I was firing in bursts with relative accuracy, like not great, but still pretty good. The guy went, oh, you're a soldier. But not in like a nice way. I bet you, oh, you say that to all the guests.

Yeah, I say that to all the rifle range guests. He didn't say it in a, oh, you're a soldier. He said it in a way that he was worried that he hadn't been told oh he said it in a suspicious way like you were a spy no no no no like like this guy's a professional who runs a rifle range he'd probably like to be told if there's a bunch of people in the military coming to use the right you know he's been told there's a bunch of assholes on a stag do coming he didn't say it like he didn't say like it a problem, but he said it like he was a bit like, what's going on? What is this?

Which must have been the most satisfying. Yeah, that's way more satisfying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, if he said it like, do you need to soldier? And then he'd rub my hair and my balls. But you know what this sounds like? Dippy, dippy, dippy. No, no, no.

This is what the story sounds like to me is the equivalent of when teenage boys Used to say they Had sex with a prostitute on the weekend But she fell in love with them Yeah she refused to take payment She was like no Your 14 year old dick was So good So fantastic

I'm willing to waive the one small bit of income I get I'm willing to waive the thing that Makes this whole ridiculous job worthwhile. Just so you can... That's what the story sounds like. I went to a rifle range and they thought I was in the army. They thought I was a school sniper from Call of Duty.

If any listeners can be bothered, you can scroll far back enough on my Instagram. It's probably like two years ago now. And there's a photo of me with AK by the bullet grouping. Wow. So I thought I'm going to put this on Instagram just so people know what a piece of shit I am. Yeah, like the photo of someone who's just about to get canceled on social media. Massively, yeah.

If I ever commit any kind of crime, that's the photo straight away. Look at this alt-right thug or whatever. It doesn't look like it's almost the reason i put it up is i out of sheer out of sheer awareness of how bad it looks in almost any context but then um yeah two guys didn't want to do it they were like no we're not gonna fucking do it which i found really surprising yeah Yeah. The thing is, they're probably scared they'll bloody love it. I was texting you the other day because recently I was filming something which had some fake shooting in it, but they got proper decommissioned guns firing blanks.

Yes, yes. And I fired this handgun, and it felt as it would have felt if it were real. Yeah. And I just texted Pia straight away going, I just fired a gun gun it's the best thing ever i love it so good it felt so good it felt so powerful that's a strong direction it felt great and yeah i was just like i i get now i understand gun nuts i understand totally yeah because it it just feels great yeah it's a and it's a lot of me is this tape as evidence? Some horrible future crime? Well, I you know, in a

way we're balancing it out because we were being liberal Ramona's. Yeah. And now we're finally you know, this is the extra bit that balances out where we talk about excellent guns on how they're brilliant. But the gun I fired was a Glock and that's made in Austria. So yeah, so we going to have to pay a lot more for our Glocks now. Yeah, it's going to be a lot harder to make any of the Glock parts. There's going to be tariffs on them, import-export.

But you know what, Phil? What's wrong with a good old-fashioned .38 caliber Webley service revolver? Yeah? Webley. That's such a... If my gun was called a Webley, I wouldn't call it... Webley. Yeah, Webley. That's such a... I wouldn't want... If my gun was called a Webley, I wouldn't call it...

Pass me my Webley. Webley. Just pass me my gun. Pass me the... You're not the one I want. What is it? Webley. What, Webley?

We got a Webley. Oh, good evening, sir. Welcome to Le Mans. Ah, merci. Thank you. I'm so glad I could get a reservation. Oh, yes, well done. Can we also just say happy birthday? How did you know it was my birthday? Oh, a little bird told me. Little birds tell me everything. Things like, oh, your new underpants, they appear to be fitting well. I do have new underpants, and they are fitting well.

Yes. But how did you know? I got them for my birthday. Is that how you knew? Oh, I have my ways. Also, that wouldn't, you know, just me knowing it was your birthday, I wouldn't be able to instantly jump to the conclusion that he bought you underpants. That's not exactly a well-worn tradition.

No, that's true. Ah, and may I also congratulate you on Brexit, which I know you voted for in 2016. Keep your voice down, for God's sake. This is a central London Michelin-starred restaurant. Oh, no judgment here star restaurant. No judgment here sir. No judgment here. I also hate European people. As you can tell from my Far East accent.

Yes. Can I offer you something to drink? Maybe your favorite drink in the world. Coca-Cola mixed with Diet Coke. My God. The hypocrite.

Half and half, no? Yes, the hypocrite. That's what I invented at university because I couldn't drink due to a terrible bowel condition. Yes, it's an ingenious invention. Thank you. I'll get you a bottle of that. A good year as well. Oh, my God.

That's kind of psychic. Can I take your coat? uh yes yes please and don't worry i won't put it in the cook room i'll just the cook room don't worry i'll put it in the clock room i'll just take it straight home for you do that i was part of the kind of stag do where two or three guys out of 14 could afford socially to not do the yeah i was going to say that sounds like quite a nice stag do that is a nice stag isn't it yeah that sounds like quite sweet stag do then that's a nice balance so you're willing to go to a shooting range but a couple have reservations yeah a couple of them feel able to go i i i'm afraid of this or i don't i don't i don't really don't like the the the idea of it

you know now that i've seen it up close because it's fucking loud it's always about 100 times louder than you'd expect um however to balance that out it is so loud that's what i'm always shocked by when whenever i hear a gunfire and close by it's like oh how did what a loud bang people fought wars like this just all day people took had this on all day hundreds of those all the time god no wonder they go deaf and stuff because it's just constant yeah have you seen 1917 yet just saw it just saw it the other day isn't it great fantastic i love it so much um did you see an imax no but i did see it on quite a big a pretty big old screen um i i really enjoyed it and uh the stuff in 1917

lined up with the stories that my great-grandfather told my dad. Okay. About being in the Somme. And about there being a director there with lots of cameras. Or with one camera and a big crane swooping across bits of water. Yeah, the German trenches being all concreted and fancy. Yeah, like an apartment block. Yeah, totally.

So I'm told the story's passed down. My great-grandfather would say it was always a real pleasure when you did capture a German trench. Of course. Because you'd be like, oh, thank God. There's like pumping stations to get rid of the flood water

and it's all concreted. There's electricity. They actually laid concrete. Yeah. And electrical wires and pumps and just, yeah, such a high standard of engineering. Maybe they should have won.

Well, they should have thought of that before they started such a stupid bloody war. Do you think the Allies ever, like, saw the Germans, like, either war, saw their sweet, sweet tanks and their beautiful uniforms and just went, oh, maybe they're right, actually. They're actually quite smart. and you just went, oh, maybe they're right. They're actually quite smart. I recommend our fellow comedian and stablemate, Al Murray. Yeah. Al Murray's podcast with James Holland,

We Have Ways of Making You Talk, a World War II history podcast. They analyze the engineering of the tanks. What, is this one episode? There's loads. There's loads. It's great. I want to subscribe to that right after this. It is really good and they they talk about the fact that like like you say

the german tanks were like incredibly engineered and beautiful but they're impossible to repair and they're too complicated to learn how to drive if you're just a farmer yeah it's like they had a bunch of macbook pros yeah and the allies had a bunch of like 300 pound dells school dells yeah it's like yeah it's gross but once something goes wrong you can't fix a mac yeah exactly they won't tell you what's in it if the dell breaks we don't even need to wait to fix it we throw them a new dell and we leave the old dell in a field that's generally like the equivalent of what they did with jeeps and stuff they just leave them yeah because they just had so much better here's uh and i also recommend james holland's book on

d-day which I read with great suspicion Because I was like, I'm pretty sure all the D-Day Has been D-Dayed by now I like the idea of your face reading I like the idea of you reading something with suspicion Your eyebrow raising Just page to page My eyebrow was cramped

After hours of reading In suspicion We'll see about this We'll see James Holland. Licking the finger. But I thought all the D-Day had been D-Dayed by now. Sure. D-Done. I thought D-Day was D-Done, but I was D-Wrong.

You were D-Dumb. I was D-Dumb. D-Dumb, D-Dumb, D-Dumb. He's like nailed the statistics, James Holland. In terms of stuff like all the cars and the tanks and teaching people how to drive he was saying like it's really important that in america it was like the rate of vehicle ownership was like uh one in 10 one in 15 like cars or tractors to people so you had a one one

in 10 or one in 15 chance of knowing how to drive. Right. Before you get conscripted. Yeah. In Germany, it was 1 in 60. Right, yeah. You were way more likely to be a man who knows how to ride a horse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all this stuff. Like all these interesting little factors that you would never think about. And it's very useful to read as well because it discounts a lot of that stuff about the German engineering being brilliant and the German uniforms being brilliant.

and the German uniforms being brilliant because those myths in the war, and they are mostly myths, get used by Nazis and stuff to be like, oh, see, no, that was brilliant. Oh, no, now I'm part of the Nazis. Now you're a Nazi, Phil. I've got you. Propaganda machine.

Rats. Canceled on my own podcast. I've never seen this coming. By your own words, within an hour. The fastest cancellation. But so what? The tanks weren't much better. The tanks were really well engineered from a purely scientific point of view,

but they broke more easily because the parts were more fine and harder to replace. And so then, okay, your tank's broken. You may as well not have a tank. It used too much fuel. It was too heavy. It was, you know, the uniforms are stylish, but they used too much material. Okay. As in, and so some of them just had to be naked.

No, no, no. So as in like each uniform for a German soldier with all its flaps. It's the naked SS regiment. Naked regiment. Like the Picts. Fearful and blue. These guys are double crazy. If you have a uniform with all like lovely

flaps and tassels, that takes twice as much material as a British uniform takes. And it gets caught on the barbed wire. Yeah, but we're talking about a country that has no imports. Uh-huh. So you're using up all the fucking wool. Oh, okay. So it's like, okay, we've clothed one guy

for the cost of what the Russians are using to clothe ten. Okay. We're going to run out of money. I see. It's not just about, you know, if you spend all your money on shiny buttons, then you've spent all your money on shiny buttons, then you've spent all your money on shiny buttons.

Anyway. Anyway, that's your... Anyway, so shut up, Nazis. The uniforms did look nice, but that's not the point. They lashed you the war. But now we're part of history. Now we're part of... Well, now we're free. Now we're free, at last.

What's the first free thing you're going to do, Phil? Well, I've already done a free thing. I started my tour on Sunday in Bristol. Beautiful town, Bristol. So great. I performed at the Bristol Old Vic. Really? Yeah, I did two shows there, full of two wonderful audiences.

And the Bristol Old Vic is a really lovely old theatre that's been referred recently, but it's the oldest working theatre in the UK. Oh, yeah. Maybe the world. Full of ghosts? I don't know about the world, but maybe Europe. Oh, yeah. Maybe the world. Full of ghosts? I don't know about the world, but maybe Europe. Yeah, yeah. It must have been full of ghosts.

And I was on stage talking about it, and I mentioned how this place, this is the oldest working theater in the UK. I was thinking, can you imagine the kind of racist-ass stuff that's been on this stage? It's unfathomable. Like in the 1960s, let alone the 1700s. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And all the terrible dances and songs. All the most racist songs. The blackface that's happened on this stage. Wow, just to think. Can you imagine? I'm in the very footsteps of... I mean, it's Bristol, for God's sake. I'm in the very footsteps of I mean it's Bristol for God's sake

I only found out the other day You know the black and white minstrel show Which is literally a black and white minstrel show Like on TV Racist minstrels with painted faces Going That's how Lenny Henry started his career He was on the black and whiteman's show, I think,

and he looks back at it now like, oh my God, it's horrible. Yes, yes. And at the time he says, you know, it was obviously he knew it was bad, but he's just, you know, what else? That was entertainment. And it was an offer. Yeah.

Which I have total sympathy with because I want to be on television. What would be your equivalent of the Black Oatman's show? Would you just play a really horrible South African apartheidist? I was about to say, yeah. I would be offered the chance to be like the foil. They would say, oh, we'll have you back on the MASH report, but only if you can be presented as this kind of disgusting.

Gun-toting, cocky-wearing. Like P.W. Berta Apologist. Just rambling on about separate but equal and how what would you call it we don't want to mix our schools or whatever everyone's like ah ha ha boo yeah and then like i also have to sit and write all the zingers that undo my own arguments and like hand them over to rachel paris or whatever and you're not allowed to perform it um knowingly i have to perform it genuinely as if And you're not allowed to perform it knowingly. You have to perform it genuinely, as if you believe it. I have to get really surprised and frustrated

when I'm being booed. I have to be like, what? No! I'm being made a fool of! It's like a panto villain. You'll all see. I love to be really sincere. And I have to use my own full name

And you come off stage and people are patting you on the back like Nice one Pierre, that was hilarious And you're like, oh yeah, thanks And then I say to my Cruel and corrupt manager You don't think They think that I think that, do you? No kid, no, I'm sure it'll be fine

Oh, but it's just that I've scored Don't worry about it Put on this hood before you go out Don't read the news tomorrow Yeah, maybe that would be it If I had to be a foil What do you call an apartheidist? Well, it was the National Party

That did it They used to call the supporters of the National Party You'd call them Nats Nats Which is pretty close to Nazi The the supporters of the National Party, you call them Nats. Nats. Yeah. Which is pretty close to Nazi. It is. The Nats, the Nationalists.

Okay. And because it's the National Party, whenever I see on the news, it's like, the Scottish National Party. A little part of me goes, ugh. Yeah, I never get a good vibe when National's in the name of anything. It's like the more... Except The National, which is a good band. But even then An edge of fear It's like when a country is like the free people's

Democratic Republic And you go, it's none of those Oh no, you've had to say it four times In the name The Democratic People's National Republic Of goodness and nice food And good times and enough food And lots of electricity

Why have they had to say all that that seems like they're really over egging the pudding because they don't have any eggs or pudding yeah like if you went to a country that's called the running water country that's definitely this what the first thing i know about this place is there'll be no running water the only mrsa free country you go hang on oh i've been uh coughing on stage it's been hilarious yeah yeah is this a is it like a deliberate comedic timing strategy or are you just ill oh no it's just are you aiming to be like it's that coughing guy like a 30s turn well no because it currently if you look like me and you go around coughing, people get quite scared. Oh, of course.

Yeah. Coronavirus. Coronavirus. The good time beer virus. The good time. Coronavirus is the only virus you can put a wedge of lemon in. Pop a bit of lime in your mouth. Keep the flies away from your coronavirus.

Why don't they call it the Wuhan flu? The flu hand? The flu hand. The Wuhan flu. That does sound cooler, doesn't it? Yeah. So you've been pretending to have coronavirus on stage. Yeah, it's been great.

Have you been coughing? You should cough without covering your mouth onto the front row. I was amazed and surprised for 0.01 seconds about all the racist coronavirus shit, and then I immediately remembered what people and racists are like, and I went, oh, of course. Yeah, I saw that thing on the BBC about how... Yeah. Yeah.

That's so old. That's an old-fashioned racism, though, to hate people because they are diseased. Yes, and also because thing in the news take that and apply it to guy down the road. That's old school. But then part of me is like, well, at least people are engaging with the news.

Honestly, part of me thinks, well, at least people are... No. It's because it's in the sun. Right. Woo-han, flu-han gonna... Gonna get you-han. Gonna get you-han. Gonna get you-han! See, we could all work there. And many Oxbridge graduates do.

Yeah, we went to the same university as those people. Yeah, we did. So, okay, but you don't have coronavirus. Not that I know of. No, me neither. Not to boast or anything. Yeah, but apparently you can take off with the symptoms to emerge, and you are contagious before... when you're asymptomatic.

Oh my word. But it's nothing to worry about. Please try and listen to this, BirdPod, with gloves on. Put a little condom over your headphone before you put it in your ear. Put those mouth guards

of one over each ear. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And please... So their ears look like they're from Hong Kong during a smog or something. Yeah, please sandwich wrap your iPhone or laptop. Ring, ring, emails, emails, phone calls, your sister, your sister, your sister,

correspondence. Mini correspondence, I'd say. Correspondence Mini correspondence, I'd say A quick correspondence A quick burst You're desperate for a correspondence You turn off the highway You run into the services And you have a quick correspondence

It's like an espresso How they have it on the continent Just on the bar One shot of espresso and you're out Back to the construction site Back to the pizza factory Quite right It's from no one it's from anonymous uh and uh the subject line is penis

peer okay thank you okay penis peer yeah and this is a fresh one this is a fresh email this is a very fresh email uh we're actually doing it out of order because i was i was charmed by uh the preview of the email where the opening just says dear piss and shit and what what time does this email come in just after midnight dear piss and shit yeah already you have an idea of what this guy's night was yeah what i like about it is that this guy's emailing uh saying that like he's heard the other sort of little puns and twists. And we've got to the point now where we're just being called piss and shit.

I don't know which one's which. What do you reckon? How can I'm pissing your shit? Can we do that as a kind of 70s, 80s British double act? Like, good morning everyone. We are piss and shit. We're like, I'm William Piss

and I'm Jonathan Shit. And together we are piss and shit i mean like i'm william piss and i'm jonathan shit and together we are piss and shit who likes magic tricks um dear piss and shit i'll make it brief as i'm tired and this story isn't worth that much time i was imagine coming back late at night and going, I guess I'll just send that email. What do I call him? Piss and shit.

Dear piss and shit. Before I go to bed, what have I got to do? Brush my teeth and email Bud Pod. And the story isn't worth that much time. I was recently lucky enough to find myself in my school's second worst quality toilets. E-block. Oh, is

he at school? Is he still a student? I think so. Oh, nice. E-block, he says. E-block. God. I was relishing a well-needed Waz, as we've all done in our lives. Well-needed Waz. When a sixth former walked in, a feature of E-block toilets that is essential to my tale Is that there are two urinals with no partition

Okay, very intimate They just bang right next to each other Yeah, right Anyways, the sixth former walked up to the only other urinal And began to piss And then peered over until his head was about a foot away from my dong What, like he bent down? Peering over, yeah to piss and then peered over until his head was about a foot away from my dong well what that like he bent down peering over yeah like a and he says a peered over until his head was about a foot

away from my dong in the same manner i imagine woodhouse's jeeves would peer at a disreputable willy so there's a very sort of arch tone coming from this man's perving. Also, this guy for a student has got very old-fashioned sensibilities. I like to think that Anonymous here is the same kind of fun, cool, rock and roll guy that he's also read all of Jeeves and Wardown says I had done at school because I'm a cool, fun guy. I exclaimed a quick, okay, thank you, and shuffled away to the nearest cubicle, knob in hand. Lovely.

Keep it jacked, Anon. Anon. Well, thanks, Anon. Dear piss and shit. Best days of your life. Best days of your life. Do report that, man. Do report that, Sixformer,

if he continues to peer at your disreputable willy. Especially if he's a foot away from it, because that means he's not just leant over and looking down, because that's still, on three feet yeah if he's like then bent down so his head's basically in the porcelain by your penis you're really looking at he's really getting a good old look there next time it happens just give it a flick of the wrist splash some piss right up in his face and then run like the devil i i'm at six one my school i was out in corridor and one of the bigger boys just ran over to me his penis just in his hand i remember

this and i looked down and saw his penis and he looked me and i just went now i'm phil wang which i still don't entirely understand i remember you told me that story at university and i laughed so much at the patheticness of it yeah the stuff the fact it doesn't make any sense his confidence and at at being able to recognize exactly that kind of guy from school yeah where it's like you're so close to being to making sense but you never will you're stuck like this i yeah well i i hope he is going through some personal difficulties in his life now i'm phil wang yeah but it was said in a quite nasty way so i hope he's doing badly oh right he said in a mean way yeah i mean we weren't friends no no no that's coming across yeah

that part of the story is very clear oh also just quick shout out to Podbud who was at one of my shows in Bristol oh yeah yeah yeah I mentioned the podcast just podcast in general and she shouted

Koji yes which is nice but difficult to explain to everyone else in the room yes yes you and I on stage are stuck with the whole bin bags bum bags Yes! Which is nice but difficult to explain to everyone else in the room. Yes. Yes, you and I on stage are stuck with the whole bin bags, bum bags, bum bum life problem of the secret greeting.

Sarka, if you remember when we tried to come up with a secret greeting that doesn't make you sound like an absolute pervert. I think it just is Koji now. It's just Koji now, I think, yeah. Yeah, which makes it harder to explain to everyone because the end they have to say which stands for keep on jacking it uh which means what it means it's

about wanking yeah our podcast is to try and promote masturbation i mentioned that i do a podcast with you at a gig the other day yeah um and the a lady in the audience who was you know east asian if not was East Asian, if not actually Chinese, immediately went, if not Chinese, went, Really? Yeah, and I went, are you a listener? And she went, no, but I love Phil Wang, so I'm going to,

and she got her phone out like, Just put on headphones, just walked out the door. Oh my god, wait. But it was quite a big audience. It was like an audience of like 150, 200 people. I do a podcast with this guy called Phil Wang. And I look and it's just like the only Asian lady. Like you said, the activation code.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now she's going to go kill the Malaysian prime minister from Zooland. All right, that's episode 48. 48, everyone, 48. Oh, we've only just noticed 40. It's pathetic. We're almost done. All right, that's episode 48. 48, everyone, farty. How we've only just noticed farty. It's pathetic. We're almost done. Almost done.

We're too busy being distracted by how free we are. Yeah. Enjoy your... I can't remember if the bananas are supposed to be straight or bendy. Yeah. No, they're supposed to be bendy. So now the bananas can be bendy again. Okay, yeah. Enjoy the curvy nanas, everyone.

Bye. Bye.