BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 5 - Numbers! And a late Valentine's

Episode Date: March 27, 2019

It's the Fiver! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie chat shit about numbers, Kardashian Kults, and we finally get to hear Phil's harrowing Valentine's story. Also featuring: Most Authoritarian and Most Libertarian, the fate of the Cookie monster, Marjorie, French Ski Instructor, and much much more! Don't forget to subscribe and rate us five stars on the iTunes store! Five stars for five pods! Get in touch at [e-mail] or @thebudpod on twitter Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello! Hello! Thank you for downloading episode 5. Budpod the 5th. Budpod the 5th. The reckoning. The most noble Budpod, Budpod the 5th. It's a nice round number. The Agincourt Budpod.

A friend of mine, when she was a young child, or a girl, Or a girl. She was obsessed with the number 5. What? She was obsessed with it. And she'd get so stressed when things weren't divisible by five. She had to go to like a child psychiatrist. What?

Because she was so obsessed with the number five. Really? Yeah. So like my older sister, I think to this day, has to have all the volume and things on an even number. 42, 40, you know the even numbers. Not going to list them all here now. Don't have time.

But it has to be like volume on the radio in the car, volume on the TV. Even, even, even, Stevens. Do you reckon there's an even number of even numbers? Oh, my God. Maybe there's an odd number of even numbers. Maybe that has to be odd. Wait, I remember learning that zero is even.

Zero is neither, isn't it? I swear zero is even. Well, even is something that's divisible by two. You can't divide anything by zero. Oh, you can, but it's infinity. No, but it's... Oh god. I'm going to look this up.

Because why would I have that in my head? Why would I think that? The definition of even is divisible by 2. So 0, wait, wait, wait. Also, no, 0 can be divided by 2. Yeah. Sorry, I was looking the other way around. Yeah, maybe you're right.

0 is an even number. In other words, its parity, the quality of an integer being even or odd, is even. The simplest way to prove that 0 is even is to check that it fits the definition of even. It is an integer multiple of two, specifically zero times two. Yeah, no, fair enough. Oh, sneaky zero. I got my fraction the wrong way around. Zero snuck in there and picked a team.

So I guess that means there must be an even number of evens thanks to zero. Because if we take one to ten, that's five odd numbers and five even numbers. But plus zero to ten. Now it's six even numbers. But what if we went to twelve?

Then... Oh no! Oh no! Oh, no! Right, Phil, put some coffee on. We are not stopping this podcast until this whole mess. Let's write down all the even numbers and count it up again. Let's just brute force this. Let me just get my pen.

All right, and there we go, starting from zero. Yeah. Zero, two, three, four, six, eight, 10, 12, 14, 16. Don't forget 18, people. Let's forget 18. Oh, God. I've already started to write 20. 18, 20, 22, 23.

The thing that you need to remember about skiing is that once you approach the we say jump a little when you go up a ramp a little ramp when you're on your skis and you approach the little ramp you will feel the fear inside your abdomen. You will feel it in there like a little goblin. And the little goblin inside you does not want you to make the big fantastic jump. It wants you to make a big shit, a big embarrassing flop in the snow. And so you must drown out the shouting of the little goblin who does not want what is

best for your ski and you can drown him out with if you are religious it is good it could be praying to God you know maybe speak to God and it will make a goblin be quiet out of respect

maybe you can't speak to the devil, it does not matter, as long as it is an idea that he's greater than the goblin, so God, devil, Osborne, you know, these people. And so other ways you can drown him out, smoking, cigarettes, cigar,

that could work. Maybe you put the music out, smoking, cigarettes, cigar, that could work. Maybe you put the music in your ears, you listen to maybe some Bach. Anything you can do to make the little goblin be quiet will help you to do the big jump. You do the big jump, it's impressive, people are clapping, crying, your mother is there, and you land, and everyone says you're now the mayor. We've made you the mayor. Okay, five

billion. And six. And six. Okay, 5 billion and 6, 5 billion zeros and 8 and infinity. Okay. All right. Right. So. How many is that? Well, it's infinity, but half of those.

So infinity over two is, um... I guess it's just one of the circles in infinity. Yeah, one of the circles. Which is zero. Which is even. Yeah, so there are zero even numbers. I think so. I don't remember why we were doing this.

Yeah, me neither. Well, uh... Well, we hope you enjoyed that We're sure we can edit it to seem more fun It's just nice to have an answer That's the nice thing about maths There's always an answer You know what you're dealing with Speaking of answers

What is your most authoritarian Speaking of answers What is your most authoritarian... Speaking of answers, what is your most authoritarian thought of the week? Whoa. I might even leave that in. Most authoritarian. Authorarian.

Authorarian. I'm authoritarian. I'm authoritarian. I want there to be... I would like there to be a special type of new police. Okay. And I want them to be absolutely everywhere. So somehow we're going to have to... Everyone has one with them at all times.

Like plain clothes? Yeah. They're just always with you. Okay. Everyone has one. So half the population has to be police now. And they know this police, the personal police person. Yep, yep, yep.

Okay, are they friends? I guess over time they could be friends, but their job, Phil, is to point out logical fallacies. Logical fallacies that the person is guilty of? Yes, or anyone. So no one can ever have a stupid conversation again.

Oh, so it's like a human in Wikipedia walking around. Yes. And they're trained, but they're trained in the ancient Greek and Roman classical art of rhetoric. So these police are really up to date with their logical fallacies. And so if you're standing there talking to someone at the bus stop and you say, yeah, the thing is that

that person's idea is bad because, you know, they're working class. And the policeman goes, ah, ah, beep, like blows a whistle, beep, and goes, ah, ad hominem, ad hominem attack,

minus 10 points. Okay, so there's a point system. I just made that up, but yeah, so there's a point system. I just made that up, but yeah, now there's a point system. So we're having a merit based society with demerits and credits. It's more just that the fewer points you have,

the stupider people know you are. Or the more unreliable people know you are. And you have it on your chest, like a big counter. And so if someone goes on question time, like, you know, Nigel Farage, or just anyone unreliable goes on question time,

you see on their chest, like, minus 10 million points. And you go, well, he's a fucking idiot. It's logical fallacies, left, right, and center. It's your running intelligence score or not even yeah but specifically logic yeah so if you repeatedly demonstrate you're completely unable to perform a to b cognitive reasoning then it actually doesn't matter what subject you're talking about you have a really high chance of being absolutely like uncripplingly wrong right so it doesn't matter if you're like well i'm an expert engineer so i know that if you have blue shoes in the morning then you can't make pancakes it's like

not well no no you minus a million points for that because you have gone insane and it's nothing so it's not even anything to do with the fact that that guy there was an expert engineer yeah it's just he's completely unable to anything to do with the fact that that guy there was an expert engineer yeah it's just he's completely unable to do logical reasoning and you can win points back

you can by making really good arguments okay yeah but it's harder I think it's harder to win points back is this not going to

make us an even more argumentative society yes but the quality will be high and therefore the results will be worthwhile so like arguing

is good if it leads to a smart decision right? Sure. So you go like well I argued with the doctor and eventually I got my medicine. That's good. But people can be arguing for argument's sake not to get anything. So we're just going to have That's true. But they will only get points

if it's like so if me and you are both here trying to argue without logical fallacies. Yeah. And we both successfully do that. Yeah. We both get points. What if I make a very good argument against having a logic policeman with me all the time? Do they then have to go?

Ooh, what would the argument be? Hmm. The argument would be, who are you to tell me what's right and wrong? Is that good? That's... Five points. It's difficult.

It's a couple of points, but he's not telling you what's right or wrong. He's just pointing out fallacies. Yeah, see? Well, no, I've lost points. I'm going to be the very first one. I'm going to be the chief of the fun police. That'd be a good sci-fi film.

The first person to stamp their logic policeman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that person, the government has to try and hunt that person down because they're too dangerous. They're too reasonable. They're so reasonable that they're going to destroy society. And the only argument...

But they turn themselves in because they're that reasonable. Yeah, they go, well, no, clearly I understand that this is a bad idea. And the only way that they can defend it is by saying, surely it is only by the rigorous training of the presence of the logic police in this system that you have been able to arrive at this level of skill. By participating in this system that you have been able to arrive at this level of skill. By participating in this system, you have created a level of debate so high value

that we have debated the debate out of existence. Maybe that would be it. It would be like a messiah. We're going to have the logic police until the prophesied one arrives. Maybe that's it. I think I'm painting a picture of a very reasonable society.

Sounds like a torture society. Yeah, it does. But if you're a bit of a debate nerd, like I sort of am, then, and to be fair, even I would get absolutely sick of it. But it was a thought that occurred to me, and it was very authoritarian. It is very authoritarian. So here we are.

What about you, buddy boy? What's your most putting on a smock and getting a portrait painted of yourself staring at corn level thought? My most authoritarian thought is that everyone in the UK

should have to start the morning by singing a national anthem. But any national anthem. It doesn't have to be the UK national anthem. I like that. It has to be a national anthem. You have to do some singing. Yeah. doesn't have to be the UK national anthem. I like that. It has to be a national anthem.

You have to do some singing. Yeah. You just have to pledge loyalty to a country. And you can change it every day. That's funny.

But you have to know the words. Yeah. And the tune. And everyone sings at the same time. Okay, so... 9am. So it's not

everyone can individually choose. Everyone can choose which national anthem to sing Oh okay but they're not like all linked up To some kind of big brother TV network Or something they're just in their house Wherever they are at work In their house So in 1984 they all have to do like exercises

Together and they can like watch you Oh okay okay okay Is it like that or is it just like we assume in the privacy of your own home you're doing this because in which case you could live in that world today phil as long as you're as long as you do it you can imagine you you have to if you have like uh regular work it's sort of like tax you're enrolled into like a paye i say if you're if you have a job you're automatically observed to be singing your national anthem okay i see but if you're self-employed then you sort of have to record it yourself and post it to a government portal a few months later yeah yeah

yeah at the end of january every year you have to you have to submit all your national anthems. People lie about song in hand work. But to what end, I ask you? To what end? Yes. To garner a great appreciation for the cultural variety of this planet. Or patriotism, if you want to sing your own anthem. Yes, okay. And so how many national anthems do you know, by the way?

Because I know two and a half slash three. I know... Well, you know one. I know the one. The British one. The British one. I know Malaysian. Yeah.

Is that? I feel like I know Canada, but everything, everyone feels that. Oh, American, I guess. You know the native, all the words. The Native American. The Native American. I don't like them. Why, why, why?

Just really horrible, mournful. You make us live on reservations. It's not particularly fair. No, I don't mean like aware of. I'm talking about know the words, buddy. You know the words to the American National Anthem. It's the Star Spangled Banner, right? No, no.

America the Beautiful? No, no, no. Oh, God, what is it? It is the Star Spangled Banner. But do you know the words? No, no, no. It's, oh God, what is it? It is a Star Spangled Banner. But do you know the words? All the words. Oh, oh, here is that star spangled banner. It waves.

Yes, that's it. In the land of the free. And the home of the, but that's the one. The Rockets Red Glare. It's all about the siege of a fort in the War of Independence. I thought it was about a... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the flag is on a ship, isn't it?

It's on a ship that's bombarding the fort. I think it's... No, it's the fort. Is it? Yeah. Okay. But how do you know the words to that or the Canadian one? I watch a lot of...

I like watching American football, but only the National Anthem better than the National Anthem. Oh, I see. And Canadian hockey. I don't think I do know Canadian. Oh, Canada, our home and native land. Okay, you know more than me then.

Oh, Canada, our home and native land. Something, something, something, something, something. Great white north is said at some point. I have no idea. I know that first bit. Yeah, it does sound like a Canadian song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, polar bears, you're slowly turning yellow.

Are you listening to this thinking, wow, Pierre's great. I wish I could help Pierre avoid terrible personal and professional humiliation. Are you listening to this thinking, wow, Pierre's great. I wish I could help Pierre avoid terrible personal and professional humiliation. Well, you can, because I'm doing a Soho theater run from the 2nd of April to the 6th of April. That's right. It's starting three days after the Brexit deadline, which means that I will be accepting ticket purchases through food, rats, baseball bats, things like that. But if you want to use your useless English currency before then, well, that would be an excellent decision.

So maybe you should go to the Soho Theatre website and buy tickets for the Piano Valley stand-up show from the 2nd of April to the 6th of April. Because if you're a fan of me, you don't want me to have to do my show legally to no one, night after night like I'm in hell. Buy the tickets. When I was in Canada last,

it was minus 9 degrees. And it was a couple of weeks after New Year's, and they said that on New Year's Eve it was minus 40 degrees. That is unreasonable. Minus 40 degrees. So people were huddling in bars. Their breath would condense on the inside of the window, but the window was so cold it would then freeze. So their breath was freezing.

Inside. Inside. Inside. I mean, all credit to them for being still in a bar as opposed to just treating it like a fucking national emergency. I just don't understand how you can... It's not habitable. That's what's amazing about human beings, isn't it? There's a group of people who...

I always think this about the Bedouin. You look at the Sahara Desert where it's like, oh, there's nothing here. It's 45 degrees centigrade and there is no water or food. I'll live here. You know what? I'm tired. That's what I picture every time I see people who live in some remote, desolate place with no obvious natural resources. At some point, their ancestors just went,

you know what, I'm tired. I'm going to sit down. I'm sure it can't be any better anywhere else. It's also strange. Do you think they're all just descendants of grumps? Where you go, you know, you have to live in a small group and no one will

be able to screw around with your business and you'll be in total isolation. Good they're like, good. That's what I want. The ultimate libertarians. They are the ultimate libertarians. Speaking of which. Hey. What is your most libertarian thought?

My most libertarian thought. That was slick. Slick wang. Slick dick. Is what they call him. My most libertarian thought is that you should have like a really powerful legal right not to be tracked uh-huh so you know how now you you have to like uh basically they they pass that thing to try and make it so that you have to agree to cookies and it ruined the internet and every

now you go and every time you go on a website now it's like what do you feel about all these cookies and then loads of companies have just wangled the question so that it looks like you have to agree but you can just say no yeah yeah there's some there's some websites where you can just go no and others where you can only say yes i know it's it's illegal to only say yes you have to you have to it'll say yes this massive button and then it'll be like i want to know more so it'll be a button that looks like a waste of your time it does looks like a waste of your time. It does look like a waste of my time. That's why I never press it. Exactly. And then you click that and then it gives you all the

options to say go fuck yourself to like cookie tracker. Oh no. I've been munching on cookies I didn't need. I've been guzzling them chocolate chips. You my friend are obese with add cookies of the mind brain. I've become the cookie monster.

You're the cookie monster now. That's how the cookie monster ended up in that bin. He just accepted love. The cookie monster is a crippling cookie addict whose mind has been diseased by his cookie addiction because cookies tracked his cookie preference so accurately and advertised so carefully to him more cookies to eat that he became addicted to cookies. He's double the cookie monster.

It's a horrible pun. It's a vicious cycle. Brutal, horrible pun. So I think you should have like, maybe it should almost be like you have to opt in, in like your whole life. And they should just fuck off and leave you alone. Because I don't think advertisers particularly need that much help and they're not even that good at it so you simultaneously believe that we should all have a personal policeman following us around but also that we shouldn't never be tracked yes the policeman doesn't uh have the

legal right to record where he's following you and if anyone says wait where did you go with bill today he goes that's none of your damn business. But I can tell you, he was committing logical fallacies like a motherfucker. He was strawmanning all over the place. Where that place is, I cannot tell you. But I can tell you that where we were, it's littered with straw men. Absolutely right. But just like a... Absolute cornfield.

Yes. And if you do run a company that wants to attract people, so like I think that if you're like Mark Zuckerberg, because let's be honest, Mark Zuckerberg, billionaire, terrifying, possibly evil overlord Mark Zuckerberg, does not let people track his goddamn Facebook messaging history. He's Mark Zuckerberg. He has tape over his webcam. Yeah. So that's unfair, right? He should be as exposed to this horrible data harvesting as the rest of us.

Yeah, but who would be selling ... But he owns all of it. Yeah, but he's not exposed to it. So I want him to have to live, or all of these people have to live by the I'm only doing to you what I'm willing to have myself rule. Right.

It's not a great business model. Yeah, but that's why it has to be imposed. Oh, I see. Because if it was a great business model, Zuckerberg would be doing it. So the government has to impose this. Well, this is not libertarian anymore, then, if the government's getting involved. Well, no, because the government also protects rights. Uh-huh.

Right? Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, see? Constitution. Yeah. Because otherwise it would be anarchic. Anarchy is when there's no government and you can do whatever you want. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Libertarianism is like we have just enough government to preserve rights.

Okay, sure. But whatever. But my point more is that either we all get the total freedom of being not tracked all the fucking time. Or we are all as tracked as each other. But I think it needs to be even the Stevens. Okay. That's what I think. Fair enough. Because I want to know what Cook is.

Old Zookie. Been eaten. Will you accept Zookies? Can you imagine that man's search history? He looks so much like a dying shark man. Shark? He looks like a shark man. He's got the dead black eyes of a shark.

He does, yeah. And he's as pale as the underside of a shark. The belly of a fish. He always looks terrified. I can't believe how successful and presumably cutthroat he is because he always looks terrified to be any way that he is. He looks terrified and also he looks like he'd be slightly damp to the touch. Have you seen the video of his barbecue?

Oh my God. If the listeners do not know what we're talking about, if you'd like to see what would happen if a shark man from another planet tried to fake a human barbecue. It is the creepiest video on the internet. I would agree with that. There's some creepy shit out there. It's got the feeling of someone trying to film themselves in the midst of an FBI hostage situation.

And trying to imply that either the house isn't surrounded by snipers. Or it is and they don't care, they're having a wonderful time. Snipers who will shoot them if they're not convinced they are enjoying their ribs enough. Yeah, all is normal. Just going to check up on those ribs. Wow, can't wait for those ribs. We're all here at the barbecue having a good time. It's awful. Awful, awful, awful, awful. He looks like he'd be damp to the touch like a child's toy left in the garden in the morning. He does look dewy.

Dewy. Constantly covered in the thin film of dew. Yeah. Well. So what's your most libertarian thought then? My most libertarian thought is i think all train drivers should have to let me have a go if i want i think i think if you want to have a go on the train you said you should just knock on the so so like it's and yeah you say i'd like a go please and the driver has to supervise you but has to let you have a go on the train okay so it's like um it's more like something from a theme park now. Like you're a kid in a theme park.

So it's like, sure, you know, they have to be very accommodating. Well, no, they don't have to be happy about it. They don't have to be pleasant. Yeah. Yeah, because, yeah, their remit is to make sure we're all safe. Not that I'm, not that I feel welcome.

Okay, so they can take what attitude to it they wish. Yeah. How long can you have a go for? It depends how many other people want to go. Okay. Let's say there's no one. Early morning train, there's no one else there. Then as long as you want. Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, let's say there's no one. Early morning train, there's no one else there. Then as long as you want. Oh my God. Okay. Yeah. So you're essentially, he's not even doing his

job now. Well, actually maybe he's working twice as hard to make sure no one dies. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But he knew what, he knew the arrangement when he decided to be a train driver. Yeah, that's fair. They teach you this. Yeah. they say, by the way. By the way. Literally fucking anyone could come in. What about terrorism? What about naughty terror boys who want to come in and smush people with trains? Or girls. Yeah, or terror girls.

Anyone who wants to commit terror, anyone can do it. Well, there's very little terrorism you can achieve by driving a train, isn't it? I guess you could overrun it into a curve. Yeah, or you could smash into another train. But the train driver has, you know, like in training cars, there's a second set of pedals.

I see. So the driver also has a second set of controls that they can override. But can't you just, like, kill the train driver? You can do that now. You can't get in now. He doesn't have to open the little steel door. Oh, can you not get in? Well, not by knocking.

I mean, I hope not, because otherwise that's all there is between ISIS and a train. It's just going like, oh, we should have knocked. God, we always forget our manners here at ISIS. We're so rude. I'll tell you something for free. I'm not like all the other girls. I'm not. All those other girls, you see them over there in that big gang. I'm not like them. Not like those other girls. No way. Not like those other girls at all. Because I'm a like them, not like those other girls no way, not like those other girls at all because I'm a man in his late 40s

and I work as a bricklayer and I'm on my way to being qualified as a spark electrician so I'm not like those other girls Would that be a sexy boast? Do you think people would be impressed if, like, Lady Gaga or some other, I don't know, like, a sex symbol, I guess the Kardashians, I guess one of them. Well, Lady Gaga was covered in meat once.

But that's the thing, right? Do you think that people would get on board like kind of bandwagon sickos would get on board if one of the Kardashians came out and said in all sincerity I am the concept of flesh. That sounds like a serial killer.

Yeah, exactly. I could get really into the Kardashians if they'd started taking their fame and power and getting really like HP Lovecraft with it. Mm-hmm. And on Instagram, it's just like, why don't you just go find a remote sea cave and form a cult in there? Like,

they started wearing robes and chanting. And it's like, gotta have my maca after my morning chanting to Cthulhu. I think they would... Look, all I'm saying is they'd win me over. Cthulhu with a K.

Now, Phil. Recently, it was everyone's favorite holiday. Saint Valentine's Day. It was the day of feeling a lot of pressure to spend money on things no one needs. It was Valentine's Day, everyone's favorite day of the year where everyone is loved. Everyone looks forward to it so much. No one is alone on Valentine's Day. No one at all. It's better than Christmas for that. It's amazing how on Valentine's Day everyone has found love and is with their loved ones and is having

a lovely dinner with wine and roses. And has a head free of doubt. It is the only holiday I can think of that is unanimously loved. Yeah, likewise. Which makes my experience this year all the stranger. That's right, because you had an encounter. On my Valentine's Day, I experienced my first ever bit of sexual harassment. I was sexually harassed! Took me 29 years!

Was it the first ever? I think my first ever sexual harassment that I can remember. No bum squeezings in the old nightclub for you? No. Do you get bum squeezed in the nightclub? I have been in my life. Really? Yeah. Oh, I've been bum squeezed by a lady in the nightclub but that was just rude. I don't think there was

anything sexual about it. She was just a real asshole. No, but if it's on the bum. She was a real asshole, this lady. I've never hated a person more in my life. If it's on the bum, it counts. That's the thing. Because we're guys. We brush everything off as not counting. Boo-hoo, but it really hurts.

Boo-hoo. Well, this one was the most transparent piece of sexual harassment I've ever been subject to. I was walking back from the gym, and I must have looked pretty good. Pumped. I was pumped. I was sweating, rosy in the cheek. Yep. And firm in the meat.

Oh. And I got to the road around the corner from my home. Yeah. And I looked over the road, and I just saw this bald man flicking his tongue. Oh, sorry for that in your ears, everyone. That is revolting. I had to see it. You guys got to listen to it.

And I went, oh. Wait, wait, wait. Little bald guy. Little bald guy. Little bald guy. White guy. White guy. Yeah.

Oh, what a strange guy. And then I looked away, and I thought. He was looking at you, flapping his tongue around. Well, it, what a strange guy. And then I looked away and I thought. He was looking at you, flapping his tongue around. Well, it took me a second to realize he was looking at me. So I look back and he's still going. Me looking at me dead in the eye. And he starts going, making kissing faces. Like fans of Limmy's show will know that there's a very funny sketch where he goes to a stranger in a bar.

And it was genuinely like that. It was exactly like that. I almost thought, does he know Lemmy? This man's flirting attempt is purely by accident the same as a sketch by a very dark comedian who in the sketch is trying to be disgusting and creepy. And this guy was just doing it at face value. His instinct was there.

And I go, oh, gross. But I have to cross the road. He's on my side of the road, where my home is. So I have to cross the road. He's on my side of the road, not where my home is. So I have to cross over. So in an attempt to sort of dampen his fire, I look at him and I go, all right. I raise my eyebrows like, all right, buddy. And I put my hand up like, okay, you can stop now. And then I start to wait for the traffic to stop so I can cross over the road.

Suddenly, he looks really excited upon me doing this. And that's when I realized that to him, I've seen him flicking his tongue and kissing at me. And I've gone, hey, raising my eyebrows. And also you put him a little wave. You put your hand up like, but even if he'd interpreted it correctly, you were like, all right, I'll let you suck my penis. Okay. At best, it looked like I was hesitantly, begrudgingly letting him have sex with me on the road.

Oh, my God. And on top of that, once I did that, I started turning around and waiting to cross over the road to join him. That's what it looked like to him. Like you were like, I'll come to you. That's how much I'm keen for this. By the time I realized this, it's too late. And he's standing there thinking, this has never worked.

This has never worked. He must be. The delight and surprise on his face. Yeah. I've never seen it. So I'm thinking, crap. Well, let's see what this guy has to say. In a way, it's the most alpha move you could have pulled.

Oh, I'll fuck you. Just to prove how uninterested I am. Just to prove that I'm still the winner here. And so I wait for the car to pass, and I cross over. He's about up to my shoulder in height. Okay. And his first question is, where are you from? Okay.

That's never, like, an uncreepy thing to ask. Yeah. Where are you from? And instantly I'm thinking, God, this kid has got a type. And I'm his type. And I go, I'm from Malaysia. And he's like, wow,ia i'm i'm from poland i'm thinking like i didn't really ask but all right he's like i'm from poland i'm like i'm

going the thing phil is that polish sexual harassers just work so much harder they're really putting local uh sex pests out of work and it's not okay, actually. It's not okay. I walk around London now. I don't even understand the wolf whistles anymore. Sometimes they don't use their lips to whistle. They've got a harmonica. They've got an accordion. Anyway.

Anyway, so we're walking along towards the corner. I have to turn to reach my house, and he says, Do you have a family? That is a weird flirting line. Do you have a family? Would anyone miss you if you disappeared? I instantly go, yes, I have a family.

I don't. I have a couple of sisters. But I don't have a family in the sense that he's getting at. I go, yes, I have a family. I have 52 children and five wives. And he goes, oh, okay. Well, me and I also have friends. Me and my friends, we meet up,

and as soon as I hear about his friends' meetings, I'm thinking, yeah, I shouldn't have agreed to this conversation. So I just go, no, it's okay. I start going, no, it's all right. I don't want to. And he goes, okay, that's all right. Don't be scared. Don't be scared.

And, you know, I wasn't feeling scared until he said, don't be scared. When someone says don't be scared, it's like the fear equivalent of saying, hey, calm down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The opposite effect is immediately, you know. Or I'm not being racist, but. Yeah. You go, oh, okay, okay well now i think you are because you just said no if you're having an argument with someone and then someone's sort

of going you just start shouting over you get so angry and he instantly starts um well he now starts to leave to my relief yeah but he's walking towards my house and so i don't want to show him where i live and and also you don't want to show him where I live. And also, you don't want to walk, presumably, arm in arm with him at one of his friends' meetings. Maybe he's just a really camp Quaker. Come to the friends' meeting house. Where are you from?

Do they have God there? And so I have to continue down the road, away from my house now. You have to do an old fake walk away. I have to fake walk away to the corner where the hardware store is. And I just stand there, dead-eyed, for five minutes, looking at boots. Until I think it's safe to go back.

And I carefully creep back to my street and I peer around the corner. Like an old-timey burglar might. Like you're trying to burgle your own I gently heard as I like he pops out of a gutter and I scurried into my home

and then that evening I told my sister about it and she's like congratulations welcome to a woman's life everyday she's like all the time so that was my valentines day I mean in a sense Congratulations. Welcome to a woman's life every day. She's like all the time. Yeah. So that was my Valentine's Day. I mean, in a sense, at least I was the object of some attraction.

I guess that was like St. Valentine. Maybe he was St. Valentine. That was him. He was like Morgan Freeman as God. He's the creepy saint. He's our living embodiment of Valentine. Or maybe Cupid was like there was no one nearby. He was the creepy saint. He's our living embodiment of Valentine. Or maybe Cupid was like, there was no one nearby.

He was bald like a baby. And he was small. And he had a clutch of arrows. Yes, and he was only in a nappy. But then he would have

been able to change my mind. He would have been able to convince me if he had those. Oh, is he not allowed to use the arrows for himself? Yeah, that's, that's inside the trade.

That's HR. HR will come down on that pretty quick. Maybe it was Cupid just like, well, it's nearly the end of Valentine's Day and I haven't arranged anything for Phil. That guy's there. And just like, twang, and just got him. It's like, there we go.

Like, I've fulfilled my remit, like, technically, you know? Well, he's a construction worker as well, by the way. This Polish vault guy. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Those were the facts he told me about him, that he was Polish and he worked on the construction site. Oh, right. He must have thought those were, for some reason, the most relevant facts about him.

Sexy. And upon hearing that he was a construction worker, I was just like, are all construction workers sex pests then? It's not, they're not gay, straight. Yeah. If you're on scaffolding, you're bothering people.

There's something about being that high above people. You're looking down everyone's tops, I guess. You're looking down everyone's tops, but also you're just looking down like psychologically.

You're just thinking, I could have sex with anyone. I'm the king of the building. Yeah, you feel like the Pope anyone i'm the king of the building yeah you feel like the pope i'm the king of the road is that where is that why so many catholic priests are also wrongans because they look down from pulpits that's right they just get the pope looks down from the biggest pulpit of all yeah he's got that big high balcony yeah that's what it is and it's balconies we just solved sexual harassment get rid's balconies. Balcony perverts. We just solved sexual harassment. Get rid of balconies. That's why, right, in old stories, there's a damsel or a princess on a balcony.

And the guy's trying to climb up it. So that he can look down on her. Yeah. And be on a balcony. It's a correction of the order. He's horny for balconies. Horny for balconies. Was your Valentine's okay, then? Yeah, it was all right.

Okay. Hello. No one is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone. Oh, hello, it's Marjorie here, and I'm sorry to bother you, but I've got a complaint about my product. I purchased a large air conditioning unit from your shop online and I bought it home.

And I've mounted it in the upper corner of the observatory because it gets very hot in there sometimes. And so I was in the observatory and it got hot and I was getting eye sweat on the lens. So I thought I'd put it on and I turned on the air conditioner and it started hot, and I was getting eye sweat on the lens, so I thought I'd put it on, and I turned on the air conditioner,

and it started to vomit hairs. They're filling the room with hairs slowly, and so now the room is sort of knee-deep in hair, and it's quite difficult to see what should be going on at the moment. And so it isn't stopping, even though I've turned it off and I've unplugged it. I've taken the plug out of the wall, you see. And so the problem is that now I, you know,

I'd say it's about a sideburn thickness per minute growing. And the door to the observatory is locked, as is tradition. And so if you don't send someone round soon, I don't... Well, I don't know if I'm going to drown in here. But I'll be dead inside somewhere. Is that drowning? Suffocating. Drowning?

Suffocating. Hair? Hair. Hair conditioner. That was episode five! Thank you for listening to episode five, everyone. God. Five down. Fun. Five thousand

to go. Oh, yeah. That's how many we're planning on making. Can't be five thousand and five. Magic number. Five thousand and five. That's the best number of pods. Because it's a palindrome. Yeah. What's the numerical equivalent of a palindrome? Numerodrome? I have no idea. We shall fight in Numerodrome? I have no idea.

We shall fight in the numerodrome. Two men enter. Some numbers leave. Numerodrome. Numerodrome. That's where... What would be the best number to fight with? A seven.

That's pretty painful. A zero is a shield. Cute. Arrows. But it's got a big gap in the middle. But maybe that's a good... An eight is probably a good shield. That's got a pretty gap in the middle but maybe that's a good an eight's probably a good shield

that's got a pretty good coverage an eight is good arrows are loads of ones ones are good arrows um oh it's quite

this is quite a good this is quite a good topic actually what's the best number to fight with a ten a four has got all kind of pointy bits

a four a ten looks like a guy with a shield and a spear that's balanced yeah that's really balanced armory yeah that's like everyone's generic choice like I'm a ten A 10 looks like a guy with a shield and a spear. That's balanced. Yeah, that's really balanced armory. Yeah.

That's like everyone's generic choice. Like, I'm a 10. Imagine like an 11. That's just fucking, that's dual wielding. Oh, man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Is there a number that looks like a bow?

Two? Yeah. A reverse bow, a compound bow. It's even more powerful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A two and a five, both bows. A six is a mace. Yeah, yeah. It's a big old club, isn't it?

Why is no one ever talking about this? I mean, it's a baffling topic. It's self-answering, isn't it? Absolutely. No, a three looks the most like a compound reverse bow. That's true. The three looks like a bow. Yeah. Well, email in

with which numbers you would use as weapons. And which numbers you think are which weapons. Because this is a normal podcast. A seven's a bit like a gun if you turn it over. Yeah. It's got that top bit to hold on there in the barrel.

And it shoots little ones. Pew pew pew pew. Must do. We're on Twitter on at thebudpod and our email is thebudpod at gmail.com. On Gmail. Let us know your horrible thoughts. Let us know your horrible wonky thoughts

I suppose and topics any of the topics you want to engage with questions, anything like that. And don't forget to subscribe to the podcast through your podcast app or iTunes or Podblat or Podminge or whatever it is you listen to the podcast through. And also, if you are on iTunes, please abuse your Apple ID to give us five stars. Loads of you have done that, by the way. Thank you very much. Yeah, cheers, folks.

We're dripping in fives, which, as we all know, is the type of weapon. We'll see you next week. See you next time. Bye. Bye.