BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 50 - Half Century!

Episode Date: February 19, 2020

Half Century! Naughty Numbers and their genders – do YOU agree? The worst parts of the body and our useless flesh cages.  Engineering Urban Myths. Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss their drag names. Coronavirus update from Leeds. Chinese ghosts and vampires. The Sandlerennaissance! What’s the worst reality show Phil would do? Why do Ant and Dec keep working? Heavy metal tat song. Correspondence: cow and chicken, courage the cowardly dog and more, wintergreen sweets, bad grandma’s cereal soup, post-zoo cider farts, and feeding tacos to your inner bitch.  Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

50, 50, 50. 50, 50 cent, the 1950s, baby boomers. What else is 50? It is 5 times 10. Yes, it is. It is... I don't trust it as a number. When I look at 50, I think, what are you up to? When I look at 5, I think, what are you up to? There's something sneaky about 5.

5 is naughty. Yeah. 5 is a naughty number. I don't know what it is. Because it's an odd number, but it's still very neat. Yeah. 5, 10, 15, 25, you know, like the times tables are easy for an odd number. Right.

Yes, that's right. It's odd and even at the same time. It feels even. It feels even, but it's actually odd. Yeah, it's sneaky. This is a thing I haven't done for a while what what are the sexes of the numbers i i know all the sexes of the numbers one to one to zero one to zero yeah what's what sex okay so ten well i mean the digits yeah well ten's not a digit so the only they're only ten digits and one oh zero to

nine you yeah zero to nine right okay okay oh i get you i get you what are the sexes yeah what are the sexes okay let's see if ours match up okay um i don't know what uh mental condition this implies we both have that we're interested in this but we'll find that i think most people agree so zero oh gosh i think zero is a dude zero is a dude very only just zero yeah yeah yeah one is a dude through and through one's a dude two's a dude. Zero's a dude. Very, only just. Zero's a dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One is a dude through and through. One's a dude. Two's a lady. Two's a lady, yep.

Easy. Three's a lady. Really? Really. Three's a lady for me. Three's absolutely a lady. Three is a mean dude or a sassy lady. I see sassy lady.

I don't see dude at all. Okay, I see sassy lady. Four is a very, it's a lady, very stable. Four. Four. Everyone shut up. Four's here, four's here. Is it finished yet?

Have you finished that? A spreadsheet? Yeah, sorry, four. Yeah, it's coming. That's four to me. Yeah, yeah. Four's got a pencil skirt and very sensible heels. Pearls.

Yeah, yeah, that's four. Five is a guy. Five is a guy. Five is a sneaky guy. Five's got a pencil skirt and very sensible heels Pearls Five is a guy Five is a sneaky guy Five's got a little rat face On the top of its flat head And it's round and flat That's another thing not to trust about it Well because it's bottoms round but it's tops flat

Pick a team five Five is sneaky I don't trust five, five's like a spy Six is a girl I see a lot of girls I think you just want to fuck the numbers You just see a lot of sexy numbers You can spend some time with

Six is definitely a girl Yeah I don't know if I'm just giving the curvy numbers Oh maybe it's a visual thing But then four is not curvy And I think four's a girl. Four's a jagged-ass bitch. Seven's a guy. Yes, I agree with that.

Easily. Yes, I agree with that. I think eight's a lady. Eight's a lady. Eight's a lady. Yep, absolutely. Two fat ladies. One fat lady.

Big snowman. Big snowman, yeah. Eight's a lady. Nine is a guy. Nine's a guy. Yes, I would agree with that. And that's it? Yeah.

I think all the even numbers are ladies to me. Interesting. And all the odd numbers except three are guys to me. Yeah. Why is that? This is like... This is some Rorschach shit, right? Yeah, yeah.

Or like Carl Jung or something. It's like, yes, people seem to find that the female numbers are even because they are easier to add together, perhaps more accommodating to mental arithmetic. Maybe that's it. Amenable. Amenable, yeah. Women are raised to be amenable, and the even numbers are it amenable amenable women are raised to be amenable and the even numbers are more amenable that is true even numbers definitely are more

amenable yes they are comforting do you think you're better at maths because you have feelings about numbers because that's quite a common thing with like those super high level mathematicians yeah they're just like of course it's a prime number it smells yellow exactly they're completely plugged into this different brain i'm not quite that level i saw a documentary years ago about this guy who was um like about as good as you can be at maths was with whilst maintaining some level of social skill yeah he could he could go to a cafe yeah yeah but he's still some mathematical genius. And they showed him pi, like in digits, pi, but they just changed one digit, like way down in the sequence. And he said, it was like, they didn't tell him they'd done this.

And he said, when he looked at it, he was like looking at a beautiful landscape that just had a horrible, like landfill in the middle of it. Really? Yeah. It's like this beautiful thing that just had this one horrible flaw in it. He couldn't figure out what, he couldn't really quite picture what it was and he was like whoa this is wrong this is wrong yeah that's insane i'm not quite there no but i do think three's a girl that's my level i can't see what's wrong with pie but i want to fuck that three up. I'll tell you that much.

I'll tell you that four's looking cute today. I'll tell you, I say number eight, I would take my hat off for number eight any day of the week you care to mention. Don't you be showing me no power sequence more. Like this toothless old farmer from Alabama. That's funny. That's fucking hell, man. Yeah, they seem to just have

almost a kind of synesthesia, which is when people... Remember we had someone with synesthesia contact us? Oh, yeah. It was on Twitter. Budpod is that kind of fuzzy light blue to them. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Like the fuzzy light blueness

of maybe like a foam ball from a play area. Oh, okay. That's Budpod to them. That's right. Like the fuzzy light blueness of maybe like a foam ball from a play area. Oh, okay. That's Bud Pod to them. That's so nice. It is nice. Instead of like, you know, just like the color of a huge shit or whatever. Or like a dried sea anemone. When the corals die.

Yeah. It's all that like gray white. Yeah. It's a dead white coral. It takes a lot for me to feel the sense of impending global doom because of climate change. But seeing an entire bank of dead coral gets me. No thanks. That gets me because it's all just like crusty and white.

Yeah. Like lime scale. And I know that it's supposed to look like fucking Finding Nemo. Yeah. And you go, sorry. Oh, no. It's like the biggest version of when a house plant dies Yeah

Sorry buddy What gets me, what's currently getting me About climate change is This weekend in the UK is the second storm In two weekends So last weekend was a nightmare Because I had to travel to Birmingham That's not a nightmare, that bit was fine

But I had to, my trains were cancelled Because of the storm, so I had to travel to Birmingham. That's not a nightmare. That bit was fine. My trains were cancelled because of the storm so I had to get my car and drive to the venue which is right next door to the train station in Birmingham. It would have been perfect but I had to get my fucking car and drive literally through a biblical storm and thought, well at least next weekend

it'll be easy and then I got a notification on Friday going, another storm this weekend will be easy And then I got a notification on Friday Another storm this weekend Now it's Dennis Storm Dennis If you're listening to this, you survived Storm Ciara And Dennis, if they're listening to this Of course, and Dennis, yeah

You know, apparently More people die in female-named storms Than male-named storms Because they don't take them as seriously Yes, I've heard that Yeah, this american statistic because they're there's so many hurricanes there yes and they oh yeah and they alternate genders yeah i suppose they have here as well yeah they go through the alphabet and they alternate oh that's why cd yeah oh that's that's a revelation how how how much more afraid of storms do you think the British public would be

if they used Indian names? All these racists going, oh my god, Storm Mahmood is coming. Oh, fucking hell. And everyone's like, oh, fucking foreign storms coming over here. Yeah, Dennis just sounds like a geezer. Dennis would be all right. Dennis is coming. He's got to check aered past but he's harmless now

Dennis has lots of interesting stories I think of Dennis Skinner Who's a fucking idiot That sort of like cranky old Oh the kind of performatively old Old guy Performatively grumpy Flipping the V's at people

Well I don't like it Of course you don't like it Whatever it is I'm an equal opportunities hater I hate everyone equally Shut the fuck up Stupid old man No you don't

No one does You have a little hate-o-meter I haven't hated the Mormons in a while I better up my juice in that little regard No I don't think so. Listeners, we've covered it well so far, but we actually recorded a blistering nine minutes before my laptop shat itself and died. We're actually very lucky Pierre caught the frozen screen

because we were rattling on like... Oh, no one's biz. Yeah, two excited biddies. Yeah. Like a couple of real number threes. Real number threes. And it was all for naught because Pierre had to restart his laptop

and what we'd recorded disappeared into the ether. The lost tapes, Budpod, the lost tapes. Man, man, the gold. The gold. I confessed to several crimes. I told a great story, but we can't repeat it because it'll sound fake but we

also never got to the thing about the drilling well now well don't even mention the drilling because now people are gonna be like what's the drilling about why are we talking about drilling because of how dusty everything is um you were talking about how dusty explosions and gunshots are in real life yes because because that's the kind of thing we talk about all the time. We talk about... If we had a magazine, it'd be called Poo and Ammo. We just talk about... We talk about feces

and weapons-grade ammunition. It would be someone trying to put a bullet in an arse. That's the logo. Imagine if you shot your toilet that's what that's like that is the quintessential bun pong if you shot your toilet imagine if poo was a grenade oh fuck me. Yes, I think that is a more than fair characterization for what we do. That'd be peak bad pun.

Yeah, but we were just saying, listeners, that when people get shot in films, it's a soggy event, isn't it? In films, it's blood, they're splooshing. They sort of burst in films. It's like a balloon's been hit. But in real life, if you've ever seen like, if you've been unfortunate enough to see footage of a person getting shot in real life,

it's just airy and dusty. Yeah. And the blood like dries straight away. Yeah, it's immediately... Dark and sticky straight away. Dark and sticky. It's not Splooshy and Tarantino-esque. Yeah, because they use corn syrup.

A lot of fake blood in movies is corn syrup. And that stuff just stays gloopy for longer than actual blood. So they're all smearing it everywhere. No, it's way darker in real life. A friend of mine, he survived, but he opened a vein by smashing his hand through a window. He shredded his arm at school when we were like 14. It's incredible the damage putting your arm through a window can do. His arm looks like a puzzle piece.

Like now. The scars are still there. It's quite awkward because people think that he went super big on self-harming in a really unreasonable pattern that doesn't make any sense. And people are like, was that a shark? It's horrific. And he bled everywhere and he's fine but i still remember seeing the blood all over the floor and it was dark like

really so dark i really stuck in my head yeah i was shocked the human body i swear to god is designed to die i mean where is some of the most where's some of the most important vulnerable vein of blood, a collection of arteries you can find? Oh, it's just on this extremely soft bit of flesh. At the end of the thing, I swing at the world. And it's so there, I can see it through the skin. I can see the colour of the fluid inside. I can see the colour of it.

And also, it's what i swing at the world and it could so easily just be here's a thought inside a bone yeah how about that like the way that wires in a house are often inside a metal tube of any kind or just any or even just like a huge sort of fingernail on the inside of your wrist yeah like like some carapace like an arch wrist. Yeah, like a carapace. Like an archer's wrist. Like an insect's carapace. Like a carapace. Yeah, like an archer's wrist thing. What's it called? It's not a gauntlet. No, it's a cool arching

name. Yeah, I swear like in Skyrim and stuff, you have a name for it. It's not a bodkin, that's a type of arrow. This is also another very classic people are yelling it at the thing right now can you look at i don't know where my phone's gone uh okay i need to know what this is otherwise it's gonna drive us mad yes um but yeah you're right like it's the human

body you've got the veins there like the the the fact that the neck is where all the air and blood and food goes like all the three things you need. I've only got arm guard. That's because I typed in arm guard. Bracer. Bracer. Bracer, thank God. We can all sleep tonight.

And your neck's like food, air, and blood. And on the top of it is your brain. The big squishy computer that will kill you If anything goes inside That is not a thought Or if one thing goes inside That's long enough Now you can't do math Or now your eyes don't work

Even though your eyes are physically fine We've messed up the computer now The eye is the one as well Here are two golf balls full of slime Don't worry, they're protected by a thin flap of skin. With the daintiest hairs. The daintiest hairs in your body. Don't worry, we've protected

it with the same protection system we've applied to the arm veins. It's all just ridiculous. The only part of the human body that makes sense is the rib cage. Yes, thank god for the rib cage at last. a prison for your heart Yes please, stay in there you bastard Before you attack anyone else

Stop squishing around all over the place You sack of gloop I like the idea that we've put our lungs and our heart in jail And stay there Throw away the key You're getting life Life in bone jail And every heart attack is an escape attempt

Yes Or a prison riot Yeah Okay I'll add to that Ribcage that's the only part that makes sense Plus kneecaps Fair enough kneecaps Your little shields Yeah sense plus kneecaps fair enough kneecaps your little shields yeah thank you kneecaps little bony shields shins can fuck off yes

terrible at healing right at the front where you kick stuff yep um and the most painful thing to whack yeah in the world yes and and also i'll add to that toen Also extremely painful to hit, even though they should be a weapon. Yes, they should. But I think that's because we live such dainty lives with our soft shoes now that they don't get hard as they're supposed to. Yeah, that's true. Feet are supposed to be like big horrible clubs. Yeah.

You know who I do have time for? The ear. I like the ear. I think the ear does a good job. It's just the right amount of hard. Yeah. And if you fuck it up, it's not too bad.

You can still hear. Like you say, it's rigid, but it's flexible so it won't snap. Yeah, it's good engineering, the ear. I love a bit of cartilage. Yes, you'd think that the shin would be more cartilage-y, but I guess it has to carry us around. Yeah, structurally that wouldn't make sense. You'd kind of wobble about.

Yeah, you'd move around like a little rubber man. You walk around like that viral video of the rubber crash test dummy guy. What was that called? Going to the store. Going to the store. That's so funny. With the weird trumpet music playing.

Doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop. If you haven't seen Going to the Store, it's really funny. Do look it up. Yeah, do look it up. It will change the way you look at crash test dummies. Yeah. And going to the store

live Live Laugh Love Bless this mess Live Laugh Love Love Laugh Love One Prosecco, Two Prosecco, Three Prosecco, FLOOR! Let's put that goal clock It's 10 o'clock somewhere I was thinking, do you think we'd be as advanced a species now

if we weren't walking sticks of vulnerable jelly? Like, if we were hardier, we wouldn't have had to come up with tools and stuff, right? That's true, and also, like... If we were, like, packed like a rhino into a natural suit of armor. Yeah. We wouldn't need to invent clothes and fire and spears.

Well, we lost our hair, didn't we? Because of just being really good at being warm on our own. Oh, is it? I think so. It's like it helped it along. Thank you. Thank you, animals' hairs. But also, like you say

maybe it's like the greatest evolutionary trait you can have is laziness because you get to the point where you go like you're trying to open a nut or whatever with your fingernail and you go fuck you know what fuck this I'm finding the best rock

I'm sick of peeling these little nuts open yeah and then you get to the point where you go god my stomach hurts from eating all this lumps of seeds from grass because we're starving i'll see if i can boil them or something make them into some kind of paste and then you have bread like it just just laziness just keeps getting better and better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank God for laziness. Yeah, otherwise.

There was a, I heard when I was on uni studying engineering, I heard someone quote that like, Bill Gates said, I like to hire lazy people because they come up with better solutions. Yeah. And I can see that. If he ever said that.

If he said that. Fucking dweeb. Fucking dweeb. I've heard a good apocryphal engineering story about that oh yeah about the toothpaste like a toothpaste factory

so like it was like a factory where they they put all the toothpaste in the little thing and then they put it in the tube in the car

yeah and then they put it in the cardboard yeah and they ship it out yeah and there was an error in the machine

that they couldn't quite fix that meant that like every like hundredth box was just being sealed without toothpaste and a tube in it. Okay. So it was this cardboard box.

Yeah. And it was making them look like assholes. So they were like, all right, well, a bunch of engineers got together and were like, right, we're going to design a thing so that on the conveyor belt there's like a scale built into the system and it can tell if it's too light. And if it's too light because it's fucked up again, a big alarm will go off and it'll stop the machine and you can remove it.

Yeah. And that was the system. And then they went away, installed it, went away, came back, and they saw that the system wasn't on. And they were like, what the fuck? We haven't been using the system before. And the guy running the machine was like, yeah, we got sick of the fucking alarm going off all the time and having to like restart the whole machine so i just put a desk fan by the conveyor belt and if it's light

enough to be blown into that bin then it gets blown in the bin oh wow beautiful great perfect solution yeah that's real nice that's so nice it is. I had another story about, again, apocryphal, but a guy went to a matchbox company and said, I can halve all your costs. And they were like, how? And he said, agree to pay me a billion pounds, and I'll tell you. And they're like, okay.

And they gave him the money, and he went, you only need one strip on one side. You don't need to put two on both sides of the matchbox. I've heard that about rinse and repeat on shampoo. What do you mean? I'll double your profits. Oh, right. And it's like, yeah, you have to do it twice.

Everyone's just going, okay. Also like the £19.99 thing. That was invented by someone. Yeah. Pricing something at £99. Some guy just figured out that you just see the £19. And you see the £1. And your brain just goes, huh?

Cheap. Cheaper. Cheaper than £20. That is less. That is less. Imagine how much more advanced we'd be as a species without monkey brain. I know, monkey brain's bad, man. Maybe if we were all just like Numbers Johnson, seeing everything as beautiful numbers.

That's the character's name in A Beautiful Mind, right? That's Russell Crowe's character's name. Numbers Johnson? Numbers Johnson. I think so. I love you, Numbers. Hey, has anyone seen Numbers? I'm a little worried about Numbers Johnson.

You mean the guy who likes numbers? Yeah, that's the guy. Honestly, who else would be Numbers Johnson? I'm not talking about that guy who keeps getting everybody's phone numbers. That's a pickup artist. That is also a good name for a pickup artist Numbers Johnson Because of all the digits he gets

And he's got a Johnson that he uses Oh yeah Yes Or a drag king name Which is the thing that's happening more and more now Everyone seems to be a drag king now I have a drag queen name Do you?

Which I'm quite proud of It sort of works Yeah? My drag queen name do you i'm quite proud of it sort of works yeah my drag queen name is emma sagi oh that's good do you like it yeah that's really good yeah she's salty emma sagi she'll give you a headache she'll give you a headache yeah she makes everything that bit nicer. What would your... What would mine be? Hmm.

Feather Boor. Feather Boor's good. But the most fun ones are usually like... Are a real lady's first name. Yes, that's true, isn't it? So the comedian Reese Nicholson has a greater one, which is Diana Hunger. That's great.

What would mine be? Oh, God. Oh, Joanna Zberg. Joanna Zberg. Joanna Zberg. Joanna S. Berg. Joanna Zberg. Joanna Zberg. You've got a similar problem with me. Joanna Zberg. With the SG. Berg. Joanna S. Berg. Joanna S. Berg.

You've got a similar problem with me. Joanna S. Berg. With the S-G. Yes. Because it starts with an S. Joanna S. Berg. Joanna S. Berg. That's funny.

That's very funny. I think, I was thinking about this the other day. Like, the amount of work I had. Do you think if I tried to do a drag act, I would just have to leave the beard and be like, look, it's an extremely bearded lady? Right, yeah. I think so.

I think there are a lot of quite famous drag queens who keep their beard on. Or glitter it up and put stuff in it. And what's her face? The Austrian trans woman who won Eurovision? She had that beard. Oh, was she Austrian? Yeah.

Carnita Wurst or whatever. Mrs. Sausage. Her name was like meat sausage. Oh, I might be thinking of a different person. I can't remember. She was competing for Austria though. Okay. She had the perfect like...

Yeah. She had the kind of beard that like a Persian dude has Yeah that's right Okay yeah we are thinking about this Yeah yeah yeah I don't remember the name There aren't that many I don't remember the name

Yeah she was Austrian Her last name was Wurst like sausage That is funny Yeah Yes I guess I just have to keep the beard I think so yeah How about I own a gun? I own a gun.

I own a gun. I own a gun is perfect. Yeah, like a sort of NRA drag queen act. And I have the right to bear arms, so I wear sleeveless dresses. Oh, yeah, yeah, great, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot you could do with that. Guns don't kill people.

My routines do. Yeah. Something like that. Something sassy. Something sassy and fun. I own a gun. That's it. I own a gun.

I own a gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay, so that's good So we've got our personalities sorted Yeah, I don't really know what my persona would be Beyond MSG The name Yeah, because it's to do with cooking and stuff

That's right It would all have to be like sort of Oh, watch out for my noodle or whatever It'd be a lot of like tossing things in a wok They'd be like glitter in a woking things in a walk that'd be like they'd be like glitter in the walk and i just toss that like i mean i make nice patterns and shapes yes yes yes yes yes yeah and uh like you'd you'd get in trouble with some of the drag community but not all of it for doing like some really like on point coronavirus material

yeah come on with a face mask yeah yeah and like a jeweled face and like with a corona right do like a whole thing about it or like you'd make someone would have to come on stage and like put the lime in your bottle or whatever the fuck and i'd wear a crown because that's why it's called coronavirus because the virus is a little ball with spikes on the top looks like a like a crown. Right. I know so much about coronavirus. I've listened to so many World Service podcasts about the coronavirus now. With their serious, calm voices. What?

Just the World Service. I love the World Service. It's so great. It is great. I was in a Chinese restaurant in Leeds when I was in Leeds there. Yeah. For the tour. And I was in a really brilliant rest chinese restaurant called ones restaurant

if you're in leeds go to ones wen beautiful chinese restaurant's been open about eight months they're the one for you they're the one for you they're the one that you want they're the one that you want want want and it was so quiet it was just me there yeah and i asked the guy really friendly chinese guy working there i was like it quiet. And he's like, yeah, it's Valentine's Day. People are on holiday or whatever. And he's like, and of course, you know, coronavirus. Yeah, people are just not. And Chinatown in London is completely dead.

It's like a ghost town, yeah. Yeah, it's crackers. A Chinese ghost town. So it's full of ghosts, but none of them have any jaws. Hmm, I don't understand. Or is that Japanese ghosts? Oh, I think. They don't have a jaw?

I think, oh, maybe, I think it's Japanese. And it's like a long tongue or something. Yeah, horrible long tongue. Might be a shared one. What do Chinese ghosts look like? I know Chinese vampires hop. Yeah? Yeah, Chinese vampires are dressed like as old of Chinese soldiers,

and they hop everywhere. Oh, right. That's how they move, they hop. I guess that's less scary. It's not scary at all. It's quite cute. But it's quite like it would be horrible to be chased very gradually by a hopping man. Like in the Terminator movies.

The Terminator's scary because he's not fast right okay he's medium pace but he never stops right yeah so even though you're way ahead of him you know that he's just walking at you so it just never stops right yeah it would be better to be chased by someone fast who can lose you and who can get tired yeah yeah yeah yeah uh that'd be a good like modern horror film though to have the chinese like you can make it like a creep really creepy if you filmed it like it yeah and it's just like and just hops towards the camera and you could and that's a horrible sound to hear coming at you the big hopping is it just got like one big foot no otherwise just normal looking chinese person all right yeah it's not very scary that is quite a low effort

sort of halloween costume yeah they're just like uh i'm a vampire how can we tell um i'm hopping you'll see how i got here exactly that's like someone who's just dressed normally going i'm a werewolf for halloween how can we tell i'm i'm lisping werewolf have a lisp yeah the moon's not out so i've not turned yeah yeah yeah do you think yeah i think that would be a good horror film i think i'm looking forward to to nostalgic chinese horror like when they get super interested in their own folklore again yeah exactly they'll go through some cultural Like when they get super interested in their own folklore again. Yeah, exactly. They'll go through some cultural period where they get...

But with new... with modern skills and aesthetics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when all the Western horror movie makers just like desperately plunder all versions of local folklore just for anything new.

Yes. To be scary about. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, I think Chinese vampires will work well on that. versions of local folklore just for anything new yes to be scary about yes yes yeah i think um chinese vampires will work well on that edward edward chang the chinese vampire you're you're sparkling that's right, Bella, my love. It is called the twilight effect. It is what happens when we Chinese vampires are in love, but we have to leave our lovers for our own good and their good. No. No, Edward Chang, the Chinese vampire. Don't go. I'm sorry, Bella. I love you. I must go now. Hup. Hup.

Hup. Hup. Hup. Hup. Oh, I forgot something. Hup. Hup. Hup.

Hup. Is it the bag? Do you want the... Yeah, I left my bag. Yeah, here's... Thank you. There's your bag. Thanks.

I still don't think you should go. No, it's all right. I just came back from the bag It's got my headphones in it Goodbye forever Hup Hup Hup I think The scariest horror movie would just be a documentary about,

a really honest documentary about almost any comedian. And you could just show it to like new parents. And they'd just be like, oh my God. God, he's going to the open mic again. Oh no. God, he's going to the open mic again. Oh, no. That would be like a high-pressure Tiger Mums Uncut Gems.

Watching a kid not revising because they're busy prepping for an open mic. I'm like, no, no! That's another recommendation. Uncut Gems is such a great film. It's fucking incredible. It's like a two-hour stress dream. Adam Sandler's going through a sort of renaissance. He's having a Sandler-sance.

I'm really enjoying it, because it's like... Renaissance. He just goes to prove no matter what fucking shit you've made in your life, there's always a way back. Always. You just need to make something good and you're back on again.

It was Matthew McConaughey before. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And now he's like Mr. Fancy Pants. Mr. Fancy Pants,. Fancy Pants Good Film Johnny Good Films All Johnny Good Films All Good Films Johnson

Good Films Johnson exactly Sandler has a renaissandler A renaissandler Yeah very good We also recommend his stand up special Which I saw a friend of the podcast And fellow comedian Rhys James Recommending on Twitter like two or three times yeah and so i texted him going really though like

is it really like is this a bit and he's like no man it's good yeah i saw tom the comedian and friend tom walker tweet about it yeah this seems sincere so i put it on and it's i've watched it twice now it's one of the best stand-up specials on Netflix. A lot of fun. Yeah. And it's classic Sandler. It's the kind of stand-up that made him who he is from the 90s. Right, yeah. Silly songs, funny voices.

Yeah. It's really great. And he's quite whimsical. Yeah. Flights are fancy. Yeah, and the sincere stuff is also really nice. Yeah, yeah. It's great.

It's just a great show. It's called 100% Fresh. It's brilliant. Also, him doing that special that It's called 100% Fresh. It's brilliant. Also, him doing that special that's so good and then him being so incredible in Uncut Gems means that we all have to accept that every shitty thing he's done has been a choice. Yeah.

And you go, oh, no. Well, that makes you even better then because it means that all those times you did that for $10 million, it was because you just wanted to do it. And you were like, ha, ha, ha. So, hey hey do you want 10 million dollars so that you and your friends from when you used to smoke weed in the 90s when you were in your 20s can just fall over on a cgi poo and go well yeah i want 10 million dollars to do that you think fuck fair enough i kind of i think that's the ideal mindset to have what a gangster yeah just do shit for the money and do shit for the art.

And who cares? And also the stuff he's doing for the money is also with all of his actual best mates. Yeah, it's kind of a dream scenario. Yeah. It's like in between. The whole time Adam Sandler was living a better life than all of us. Yeah. We made fun of him.

And it's like, yeah, he's made Jack and Jill. But they filmed it in Hawaii. It's like, what do you think he was doing in between they filmed it in hawaii it's like what do you think he was doing in between takes he was in hawaii making 10 million god fuck god damn it fuck shit piss do you think as part of the renaissance he's now gonna just like use some of his enormous wealth and power to keep making sort of incredible indie films or do you think like he'll make uncut gems be incredible he got completely snubbed by the oscars and he's just going to go well in return for that snubbing

like he said on twitter if i get snubbed at the oscars i'm going to make the worst film anyone's ever seen yeah that's really funny he said i'm going to make the worst film anyone has ever seen i'm saying a lot he's's Adam Sandler. He's been practicing for like 20 years making dog shit. Just putting his name into Netflix is like the whole page of films he's made. It's like, fucking hell, how many movies has this guy made? It's just constant. And apparently they are like unbelievably high view numbers, high ratings. Really?

Yeah, with the American market. That's why Netflix keeps doing them because they're just like, you know what? Everyone loves these. It's like he's the Mrs. Brown's boys of America. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just it. Yeah. Except with a bit more cred, what was his background, I'd say.

Except, yeah, left his own devices. He is brilliant. Anyway. Would you, what is the worst... What is the worst television show that you would still agree to go on? Oh, that's a good... This is like coolest uncool in the sense that it's like...

Yeah, that's great. How bad can we get but you're still there? I agreed to do First Dates Hotel. Really? Yeah, because they fly you out to Italy. You stay in a hotel in italy dating celebs so yeah fuck i'll do that i don't like the show yeah and um it didn't work for

some reason i think the dates didn't work or they had to change their heart yeah but i guess that is i don't think it is a trashy show but it's the closest to that kind of show that I would do. Okay. Okay. And so, but what about like, well, you've done, well, this isn't bad. It's like the classy end of the reality show spectrum, but you've done Extra Slice, Bake Off Extra Slice. Right, yeah, yeah. That's a good one.

That's on the classy End of things Um What about like Try to think of like What's the worst reality show Would you ever do like Big Brother's Little Brother Fuck no

We have to go and comment on that Oh Mildred Mildred had a Diarrhea In the Diary room or whatever I've been asked to do like Um

I'm a celeb like the commentary show on that oh right yeah it's like imagine seeing me on that in fucking cork hat and short can't be sure what the fuck is going on he looks like he's been kidnapped and i'd like to see you on that in your little cork hat trying to muster up opinions on like, you know, Diana's old butler, whoever the fuck it is, eating worms. He's really come into his own recently. It was so good to see him eat those worms. I was worried about him. It's been keeping me up all night because he's not really been a team player up to this point.

But when he ate those worms, I thought, yes, Jasper. Yes. You've arrived. I'm on Team Jasper now. And everyone's like... And then Ant and Dec going, well, there you have it. He's on Team Jasper. Are you on Team Jasper at home, though?

Texting and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, that would be... Why do they still need to keep working? They have a billion pounds. They must love it but this is the thing isn't it is weird because we wouldn't love that job so once we had the billion pounds we'd just get plastic surgery and move somewhere no one would know what we'd done but they're they just they have to love it mustn't they or do you think they're addicted to the money? I mean, I guess so. Do you think once you have five million pounds, you just think, I could have seven million?

Yeah, there's a bit in the excellent show Succession where someone says to the poorest member of the family who's just about to inherit five million dollars, they're like, five million dollars is the worst amount of money to have. Because it's enough that you want $100 million, but it's not enough to get you going to that point. Yeah.

It's a torturous amount of money. Yeah. So maybe that is where they're at. Maybe that's where they're at. They're just sitting there going, God, if only we had 20. Maybe. Maybe they spent all their money on some weird shit.

That's always strange to me. I wonder what sick stuff Dex up to. Yeah decks up to yeah envelopes of cash in dungeons what do you allegedly allegedly i've made that up okay okay yeah maybe they just get addicted to money or i'm fascinated by when you get someone who is like a major pop star like huge and they're like i'm bankrupt i'm amazed by that i'm always so interested in how they've fucking done it like all in the footballers do it well i was talking to a financial advisor guy who was worked with footballers yeah and he says um he said half of i think premiership footballers half of premiership footballers are bankrupt three years after retirement get fucked i mean I mean, that's insane.

How do you... Imagine earning minimum 50 grand a week, like that level. Yeah. And it's just, that's not enough after a decade of that. How do you fucking do that? It's literally buying new cars. Don't buy a new car. Yeah, stop it.

Buy a new fucking Bugatti Veyron. Why? Or they become like the mum from Arrested Development. They just don't know what things are. It's a banana. How much is a banana? $10? $20?

Because they're just like, they're so oversold to as well. Because you're essentially going, let's get a 19 year old and make him a multi-millionaire and all these like all these like vultures must be circling you all the time and be like all right all right there lad oh young lad oh yeah yeah smart young lad like you and he probably needs a fourth house yeah i happen to have a bunch that need shifting yeah they probably get scammed all the time you You were probably talking to a scammer. Maybe. Maybe that's why he means financial advisor.

He's saying it as a point of pride, you know, half the footballers I work with are bankrupt. You weren't looking at him so you didn't see him dusting his sleeves, like dusting his shoulders. Half of those guys are done by 28. Popping his collar.

Yeah, his solid gold collar. Ring rings. Letters. Emails. Phone calligraphy. Talking jacking. Your sister will never forget you. To prove it, ring letters. Correspondence. Correspondence.

Before we start the correspondence, arrogantly, Phil, you're on tour. So people should come see you on tour. Yes. And check your website for details. Yes. philwang.co.uk Especially if you're in the Manchester area, because I'm doing a second show at the Lowry

at some later point. And it seats a lot of people. I think it seats over a thousand people. Fucking hell. So let's see how many people can come to that. Come on, Manchester. Oh, boy. I'm doing my Soho Theatre run in May.

Nice. And thanks to advertising it at the Garrick, the Frank Skinner run, which of course is now over, a third of that's gone already. Super. Well, get on to that. Get on it. Pod Buds in near London. Soho Theatre in May. So, correspondents, Lewis gets in touch. Lewis on it. Pod Buds in London. Soho Theatre in May. So, correspondons,

Lewis gets in touch. Lewis! Hope you haven't caught the fluice. Yeah. PNP, I had to write in about gross cartoons after you mentioned Ren and Stimpy. Oh yeah. I was very lucky as a kid to have an early version of satellite TV where the dish was huge enough to block

the view from my bedroom window. Perfect. This meant I got to watch Cartoon Network, which was so exciting because I never cared for any of the safer, older animations like the Flintstones or the Jetsons or Johnny Bravo. Johnny Bravo's an old? No.

I think he's a bit mistaken there. But anyway, he says I loved the horrible pustules and snot and hair that was in stuff like, ah, real monsters. And cow and chicken. Yes, cow and chicken. Cow and chicken was ghastly. It was ghastly.

The devil with the bum. My first girlfriend still to this day has a genuine phobia of the devil and his shiny bum from cow and chicken. Like as a child, it fucked her up. You can't look at a picture of it. It's quite terrifying. And also he would go from like really camp purring to screaming oh yeah he'd go oh hi cow oh no chicken okay suddenly start screaming out of nowhere and he was always naked those are two very scary things and the parents who's only you only ever see the legs yeah and then there's one episode where they

reveal that they have no upper body they are just legs and it's horrible and like they play creepy music like and uh they only eat frosted pork butts and it's just like giant pig asses with like sugar dust on them it's so disgusting yeah that's pretty um my favorite of these was Courage the Cowardly Dog, which terrified the bejesus out of me. That was a creepy cartoon. Yeah, yeah. I still remember Fred, the visiting barber, came to stay with Courage the Cowardly Dog, and he was a horrible man with long curly hair

who spoke like this in rhymes, and just wanted to... He was obsessed with shaving people. And he really got off on shaving people and just kept trying to shave Cour Yeah. And he really got off on shaving people and just kept trying to shave courage. And then he got locked up and sent to an asylum. I said, hello, my name is Fred. Horrible.

He talked in rhymes like Dr. Seuss. Yeah, those creators have tapped into the fact that children love horrible things. Children love things that are disgusting and terrifying. Poo and death are the things. I think we've both done kids stand-up gigs before yes and poo and death are the funniest thing to children and to be fair they're right they are right and also astonishingly over the top violence yeah if you really saw

someone in real life smash someone in the face with a pan you would be terrified witness to a murder you'd be like oh my god he was running around the corner and you you crushed his face with a pan is your skull fracture like this would be a netflix documentary about this but when it's a cat you know that's fine yeah it is fine um do you think it contributes to children's violence against actual animals? Seeing Tom and Jerry beat the shit out of each other. It is strange to tell a child, like, now don't pull the cat's tail. No. You know, just set it on fire and fire it into the sun.

Alex gets in touch. Alex, our new panel X. Yes. Alex gets in touch Alex Our new pal-ex Yes Hi guys, you're tangent into other countries' weird herbs Oh yeah Mint in drinks And using herbs other than mint for medicinal purposes Like dill toothpaste

Yeah, exactly Sage on your wounds Reminded me of a dreadful accidental discovery On a trip to the US I'm not sure if they're a thing in the UK, but in America and here in New Zealand. There are usually peppermint or spearmint flavoured sweets

called Lifesavers, because they are annular shaped like a life ring. Like a polo? Yeah, they must just be polo mints. I think it just means polo mints, mate. I grabbed a pack in haste at a gas station, thinking they were familiar and likely to be less likely to induce immediate tooth decay than the other offerings, and having seen the word mint on the package. On later inspection, they proved to be mints-o-green flavor. The magic ingredient here is artificial wintergreen.

What? While you mightn't have heard of wintergreen, it is the herb that you find in deep heat and other liniments used by sports people. No, thanks. In your mouth. Mincergreen lifesavers taste powerfully medicinal, but they smell like a changing room. Or like a mild soft tissue injury.

And they render the inside of your mouth completely numb. Yeah, I can imagine. Fucking hell. I can't imagine how anyone could possibly want to eat them. I half expected to find an external use only warning in the bag. My wife finished the pack and then bought more. Inexplicable.

Oh my days. Thanks for the podcast of many laughs. Your wife's got an iron mouth, sir. Your wife's repeatedly injuring her mouth and needs to stretch her mouth tendons more. Kissing your wife would be like kissing a rugby changing room. Deep heat to me

just smells like rugby training. Sounds like just sucking on a Lynx can. Yeah. New Lynx Africa flavoured mints. Apparently Polo, at least when Polo was very popular, was responsible for so much tooth decay. Because people think it's like brushing your teeth because it's minty but there's so much

sugar in it. People are idiots Yeah, I mean, yeah, kind of makes sense It does smell like clean mouth It does smell like clean mouth I've got a case of clean mouth It smell like clean mouth Nathaniel got in touch

That's my middle name! Yes it is Phil Nathaniel Wang Nate! Call me Nathan! Nate Wang Nate That's my middle name Yes it is Phil Nathaniel Wang Nate Call me Nathan Nate Wang Nate Wang is a cool name You'd be a good Nate Nate

I think I'd be alright Nate Thank you Yeah Well Nate Other Nate gets in touch My new mate Nate High postage and packaging Have you had that?

I think so But not for a while It's good I recently discovered your excellent podcast, and I'm probably going a little in case. A little crazy, I think he means, in case. Due to listening to 13 episodes in a 14-day time period, yes. Wow, that's a lot.

As such, I've just stumbled upon Phil's story of a comedian having a cooler of boiled eggs. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay okay i won't divulge the name right but yes there's a comedian um who carries around yes in a wheel he has a wheelie cooler of boiled eggs yeah that he has before he goes on and pierre theorizing that he's just too busy to eat them another time which has reminded me of a time last year when we went to a holiday cottage to celebrate my grandma's 85th birthday. At breakfast

time, she put her cornflakes in a bowl and then brought out her cold carrot and parsnip soup and poured it on the cereal. Oh! No! Bad grandma. Oh, very bad grandma. Naughty Nan. Naughty Nana's. Gosh. Naughty Nana's Part 3y Nannas. Gosh. Naughty Nannas Part 3.

It looked like someone had just been sick in a bowl. And does sound like the most disgusting thing ever. We asked her why she had elected to pair her cereal with soup rather than with the more traditional milk. I really like that. You could argue it's more traditional. I'm something of a traditionalist. I really like that. You could argue it's more traditional.

I'm something of a traditionalist. She informed us that she has soup with her cereal every day because she needs to get her veggies in and can't find any other time of the day to eat soup. Well, I mean, it's a good, it's a healthy start to the day. So this is in capital letters. She can't find any other time of the day to eat soup. What about lunch or dinner or any time afternoon? You're probably wondering what sort of high-flying business executive my grandma is

to not find any other time of the day to eat soup. Cancel my three o'clock i have to have soup but alas she's just a retired lady who probably watches more than four hours of television a day that's such an that's such an old person thing needlessly making your life efficient and complicated you're right yeah because it's almost like you can't accept that you have nothing to do that's right you have to sort of of invent difficulties where there aren't. Yeah. You have to go, oh, well, I mean, I couldn't possibly.

I mean, I've got to try and wear a groove in that chair. I just imagine myself packing loose soup into a briefcase. Just like, and like standing up with it And like walking really confidently While soup just trails Out of this fucking Waiting for a train Like Black leather briefcase

Looking at a watch And then looking Looking down the track And then looking at the soup Coming out of the briefcase And going Oh What am I going to have time

To do with that Great soup story Good soup story Nate I think we're going to have to Call it a day on this one One last quick one A quickie zippy from Yvonne Yvonne

What's going on Yvonne Oh nice hello buddies Found some wonderful tat on Instagram and thought of you Before we look at the tat she says A quick fart story I went on a date with a guy to the zoo Interesting She's guy to the zoo. Interesting.

That's all good stories. She's capitalized the zoo. Okay. The zoo. It makes it look like a sexy nightclub. Okay. But I think she just means the zoo. Oh, not all the way. Not all the letters.

Just the word zoo. Just the letter Z. Yeah. Yeah. I went on a date with a guy to the zoo. And after, we went for drinks. I regrettably only drank cider the whole night. Man.

This was a bad choice. We got pretty drunk, and he missed his train home, so ended up staying at my place. I was still living with my parents, so this was somewhat awkward. So he slept on the sofa in my room. Sofa room. Wow. Interesting.

Like a set. Yeah, like a Cambridge University room. There's a bed there for poetry writing. The whole night, I kept farting. Nice. But all were silent until I was just about to sleep. I farted so loudly it fully woke me up. I sat up alert due to the sheer volume of it.

It sounded like thunder. Honestly, I was quite impressed that I have the ability to make such a noise with my ass. He didn't seem to notice it. So I went back to sleep. But the next morning he wouldn't look me in the eye. I never heard from him again. He's there on this couch in your room because he's already staying in your room. So your parents already probably think you're fucking. Yeah.

Yeah. At that point you may as well just fuck because they already think that they're not going to, they're not going to believe that he was on the couch on the couch yeah and not only that he's on the couch like a like a bodyguard and you're there in bed all spread out and uncomfortable just letting loose all night after you were asleep but probably kept going tooting away yeah i mean i'm it's just always the case you sleep with someone there's gonna be a build-up of gas it's gonna happen morning what do you do you've got to you've got to find a way like you're in a spy movie i've got quite good at sneaking the little guys out it's always a gamble you never know how it's. No. Also, I'd like to say thank you. Budpod helped me feel a lot less lonely when I moved to Seoul.

Seoul? To Korea. Another Korean Budpod person. Yeah. He's going to have to start some sort of Korean faction. We're going to have the Korean language bureau. We're going to have the Korean bureau in Seoul. Well, we've just got a telegram in from the Budpod bureau in Seoul.

Farts are up, booze are down. Farts are up, booze are down. Farts are up, booze are down. My God, have you seen this? What time is it in Seoul? And this is the Tachi Center. Oh, yeah. It's from an Instagram account called Crazy Bitch Probs. Okay.

So these are the sort of everyday problems that are faced by crazy bitches Nice And thank god they have an outlet And it's a mug And it says No I'm not pregnant Yes I am eating for two Me and my inner bitch

Wow that's strong Dot dot dot And she likes tacos. Wow, that is a lot going on. There's a big taco on the mug. Gosh, there's so much writing on that mug. And so many different fonts. No, I'm not pregnant. Yes, I'm eating with two. Wow, so many fonts. Bloody hell,

that's a confused mug. Held by a presumably baffled person. And it's like, also, presumably that mug is for drinking tea out of while you're eating your tacos tea and tacos dip the tacos in tea and tacos are disgusting mix no i'm not pregnant yes i am eating for two me and my inner bitch wow it really comes out of nowhere i was just saying, tacos for lunch again.

Imogen, or whatever the fuck. Coming at me with this absurd philosophy. God damn it. And she likes tacos, but you don't. The bitch likes tacos. My inner bitch loves tacos. Do you need help? Do you need rescuing from the bitch? Are you okay?

Your inner bitch is forcing you into a Mexican diet. What's happening here? Madam, madam! That's all the time we have for this week. Goodbye! But we'll see you again next for you guessed it, Budpod. Have a lovely

week! Have a lovely week, bye, enjoy the storms! Bye!