BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 51 - The Nadir

Episode Date: February 26, 2020

51! Pierre Novellie and Phil Wang discuss Scouse Samuel L Jackson, are aliens feeding us microchips? Wiccans, incels, what are your existential near misses? Were you a child alchemist? Knife fighting club. Phil fears concussion and comedian Kieran Boyd fears veins despite loving Death Metal. Everyone’s job is to die. Who will lose against Donald Trump? Priti Patel is a pure villain. Correspondence: Phil has a lesbian personals lookalike, a poo-kiss on the sack, more jazz names,  and THE MOST PRIVATELY DEVASTATING AND VIVID POO STORY WE HAVE EVER READ – THE NADIR Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

51, The 51st State. Did you ever see that film? No. Is it about Puerto Rico? No, it's not really about anything. From what I can remember, Samuel L. Jackson is wearing a kilt for the whole film. And he's hanging out with... Oh, really? Yeah. This sounds like a fever dream.

Yeah. And he's in the UK, Samuel L. Jackson. No, you've imagined this. To try and find some gold Or some loot Stolen money No it's never referenced It sounds like The Last King of Scotland What you're talking about No it's never referenced

And he's hanging out with He's like a famous Scouse actor Who I can never remember But he's like one of those Top of the British actors Oh a character actor Like a Toby Jones

Or a Less Too ugly to be famous But too good Not to be put in movies Less specifically A character actor than that But by American standards or too ugly to be famous but too good not to be put in movies. Less specifically a character actor than that but by American standards, yes, absolutely. And there's a point where he goes to a pub

and lets off a flare and shouts the word Liverpool a bunch of times. It's kind of like a guy... Samuel L. Jackson does. No, no, no, the Scouse guy. Liverpool, motherfucker! Yeah, while Samuel L. Jackson is in the car going like, what is that crazy white guy up to

or whatever that everyone loves so much? You will never motherfucking walk motherfucking alone. Don't buy the motherfucking sun. Yeah. All I can remember is Samuel L. Jackson doing a rant at some point. Or maybe it was a villain about how the UK is just the 51st state. The first state, you mean? Yeah, well, there you go.

More light. Anyway. Episode 51, or as I call it, episode nifty fun. Oh! I think it's going to be nifty and fun this episode. I think you're absolutely right. Second half of the century.

A new dawn, a new beginning. Yes, that's right. We're over the half century mark. How are we going to feel more futuristic? Should we wear clothes made of foil for no reason? Let's put this episode on the internet. Oh, risky. Risky.

Bleep, bloop, bleep, bleep, bloop. That's what it's going to sound like. Let's put some of these ideas on the worldwide web anyone can surf onto our website and look at our ideas after they've downloaded the text are you ready to take your car onto the information superhighway we're going to make a turnoff at the AOL homepage. God, imagine if early internet if you knew

the amount about the internet that a 14 year old knows now in 1991, you'd be like the third best computer hacker. Yes, yeah. It's crackers. It's crackers. It is crackers. I can't think of a technology that has accelerated

with that much pace in that short amount of time. I wasn't. No, well, I once met someone who thought that that was proof that they were aliens at Roswell. The internet? The pace of technology advancing. Right, okay. Because they were like, well, you know, microchips,

you know, this or whatever, like technology, like every new phone is like 100 times better than the old phone. How do you explain that? It's because they're drip feeding us alien tech. And they can't give it to us

all from the 50s when Roswell happened because it would have blown our minds. Right. So they're like drip feeding it to us. And I was like, first of all, I don't think they would drip feed it to us. They don't drip feed anything else that's

true they just hand out oxycontin and heroin like it's fucking sweeties and they go oh well everyone's dead now like they're clearly not that bothered um the the fundamental argument you can use to diffuse any conspiracy theory is that every conspiracy theory requires an amount of coordination and competence that people just simply are not capable of. And then I said, I don't think that's quite true. And she was like, well, what's your explanation for how

fast are the techs improving? And I said, well, the miniaturization of processing technology means that they've actually got a graph of it it increases exponentially what's law yeah it's that law and it murphy's it increases like and exponentially as in like a one one across four up kind of graph ratio yeah is this something like every six months every year it should it should double every two years. Speed doubles or size halves. Yes. Yeah.

And it's mostly been obeyed. Yeah. And whenever there's been a dip or it hasn't been obeyed, it's been followed by a big spike, which compensates for that. Right. So there's like a little delay and then boom, we have another piece of tech. And that's just a law of like, yeah,

miniaturization and silicon technology and all this kind of stuff. But there must be some. And she was like, oh, well, well, that or aliens. And I know which one I prefer. Yeah. It's a classic defense of stuff. But there must be some. And she was like, oh, well, that are aliens and I know which one I prefer. Yeah, it's a classic defense of everything. Well, anything is explainable with facts. Yeah. Well, aren't you clever with your facts?

Oh, someone's gone and looked it up instead of just assuming aliens are involved. It's almost like they resent your lack of faith. It's religious. It's kind of religious. It's religious, but it's with them they resent your lack of faith how it's religious it's a kind of religious it's it's religious but it's with them as the prophet i've just told you the good news and how dare you not just believe and trust me and how obviously smart i am right this is aliens yeah and there's always people who that's why the whole thing about sheeple that's where that comes from it's always like i may uh i may work in mc in McDonald's and be unable to wash or clean myself because I'm so obsessed with staying up late and eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew.

But at least I know the truth. It's like compensation, isn't it? Yeah. Not like the sheeple out there. It's not just compensation, but it's validation. it's also it's not just compensation but it's validation it's it's a way to validate your um your lack of involvement in society if you devalue society and try and pitch it as a born big lie then suddenly your lack of involvement is is the right thing to do and your lack of power it's the ultimate version of saying i know something you don't know

but now you're saying it to like a load of like doctors and scientists And your lack of power. It's the ultimate version of saying, I know something you don't know. But now you're saying it to a load of doctors and scientists. Yeah. Phil is shaking his head and going, in a way that I know you do when you're picturing the life of the person I've described. It's making you really sad and horrified. Well, yeah. I think mainly because I think I so easily could have gone down that.

There but for the grace of God. That's what I think every time I look at an incel or a conspiracy theorist or like a m'lady. Yeah. Yes, a white knight or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, m'lady. Yeah, I was definitely a bit of a m'lady when I was like 13. Within a whisker.

Like so close. Within a shitty moustache's hair. It's breath. To going down that path. I got so lucky. Comedy, I think if it weren't for stand-up. Dude, comedy saved us both. Saved my life.

Comedy is like, comedy is so dangerous but it's like you know when someone gets into a bad car crash so they freeze them into a hypothermia coma yeah to stop the inflammation hurting them more okay that's what comedy is for us being in a coma due to hypothermia is not good for you inherently but given what was already wrong with us it was actually the perfect thing to happen um my younger sister actually told me out because we talked about this before there but for the grace of god go yeah go i and my younger sister said i just heard you guys talking about that and that's absolutely exactly the same for me bang on except for like crystals and potions and ryan and witches and yeah being a wiccan she was like she was like astrology every time i see like a

wiccan lady white lady with dreadlocks selling potions from a van i think god oh because my sister was saying she just loved the idea that anyone could go into like the woods and concoct like medicine for themselves and have that power or or that that the universe was full of energy and energy could be harnessed and reordered through these like ancient rocks. And as an idea, it's great. I think, I think kids are quite unnaturally into alchemy. I swear to God,

when I was a kid, I just walk into the garden and see what can I make out of this twig and poo? Something must. I used to make potions from, or just like, well, I get shampoo and toothpaste and some old tea from a mug and I'd like mix

them up and I'd keep them in like old shampoo bottles and i'd be like that's my potion oh yeah yeah yeah i should do that shit yeah yeah because i was obsessed with george's marvelous medicine what is that the charles dickens the roll doll book okay and a little boy called george makes a marvelous medicine that like makes his grandma into like a super lady and god i that exact same thing. I mixed shampoos and soaps into a little bottle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my mum couldn't throw the potions away until I forgot and then she'd throw them away.

And I wouldn't remember. You ever mix coke and Sprite and think you're coming up with an amazing third drink? Oh yeah. Like, no one has ever. Yeah, exactly. exactly yeah potions and lotions and and like figuring out like maybe this plant is good for healing right yes yes like from cartoons of course yeah of course do you think it's a human instinct like foraging and learning oh it must be i mean i guess it got us pretty far really also killed a whole bunch of people who ate the wrong berries. Yeah, that's right.

Or at the very least, they nibbled it and they got sick enough that everyone was like, all right, it's probably bad. Yeah. I think it's, maybe it's an instinct. Maybe it's one of those evolutionary instincts. People are curious, curious cats. But that was, my sister was saying yeah

she was she was a she was a a witch's wig hair away from from becoming a woo woo lady a woo woo lady

working at Wang's crystal warehouse no I was a Chung Fu Chung Fu Chung Fu oh that was the spirit that was in this like

chubby white guy oh yeah Chung Fu picks the crystals I'm Fu. Chung Fu. Chung Fu. Oh, that was the spirit that was in this like chubby white guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Chung Fu picks the crystals. I'm just the conduit for this unaccountably Asian man. I'm the conduit and accountant. I'm just the treasurer. Yeah.

I'd love it if it turned out that Chung Fu's spirit was like he was an accountant who died of a stress-related heart attack in about 1988. Just like a Hong Kong businessman. It wasn't ancient or anything um yeah but therefore actually that's a good idea like you know we're still behind with the correspondence but why not if you're listening send us in your there but for the grace of god go eyes yes yeah the times when you've seen someone who is in your mind not someone you would ever want to be but you know you could have been yeah when or like close shaves but not existential close shaves existential close shaves yes lifestyle close shaves times when you've picked a path down at um what would you call a junction? Yeah, a path

What was a junction with two? T-junction? A split? What's it called when it happens in nature? Because it's more like a Y-junction in nature Ooh, branching off How does a poem go? The Road Less Travelled By

By Robert Singey Robert Frost How does she get up to it? By Robert Frost. Yes. I came up to a T-junction. The road not taken. That's what it is. Two roads diverged in a word. When you come across a divergence. Yes.

And you can look down one path and see a guy getting really angry at a warhammer convention i still every time i walk past a warhammer shop they've renamed them they used to be called games workshops and now they just call them warhammer are they not called games workshops anymore the sign just says warhammer every time i walk past one it it's like a a a a very very weak version obviously of when like an alcoholic walks past an off license i could feel the pull of it really yeah you used to do that you used to paint them and i never played the game because i couldn't find anyone to do that with and it was very complicated and it was like a combination that makes it just even sadder it does yeah because

it's a combination of first make a friend yeah and then be convinced that friend to engage in this overwhelmingly complex and expensive and time-consuming hobby with you but also you were so into this and so determined yeah to take this on as a hobby that you didn't even think to check there would be anyone to play it with i was so much like overly focused on that painting on my own in absolute silence bit of it. And getting really good at like, now it looks like his armor is shiny. Like the most pathetic skills. But like any of that stuff, Airfix models, anything like that, I have to stop myself from just buying armfuls of them.

Sure. You should be like, well, that's a submarine Spitfire Mark IV. It's not dribbling and foaming. Did your parents ever come into your room as you're painting and go, do you want to take a break from that? Or did they ever express any disappointment that you were... Pardon me. Because I swear to God, I was one time at a Batmobile,

and I felt my father's shoulders sort of drop in a kind of defeated disappointment. My dad liked models and army stuff, so I think he was all right with it. He liked little figurines and things, like painting and building them. Because every generation of my family has had a childhood from about 30 years before it should have been, like more old-fashioned. Okay okay so like my parents didn't grow up with television at all terrible yeah so that kind

of thing so he was fine with it i think i think the amount i played age of empires 2 might have been a concern yeah but they used to just joke about how they would hear like the trumpet sound just echoing down the corridor of the house like just at the end of the corridor of bedrooms you know the king is under attack just video game noises

learning history again hey this will excite you after my Leicester show recently I met and very briefly hung out with a guy who's going off to Canada in a bit to work on Age of Empires IV. It's coming out. Yeah. It's on Steam. I've seen the previews. I've seen the videos.

It's a different developer. Oh, it looks good. Does it? I'm not saying it looks good. Oh, it looks nice. I can feel myself the way a cowboy would reach for his revolver very slowly. Just reaching for my wallet. Whenever I see the... Your fingers sort of waving.

Just running the fingertip along the numbers of my bank card. Oh, mate. Shout out to John the Pod Bud, who was my tech at the Leicester Comedy Festival work in progress I did. Oh, nice one. Hello, John. Gosh, how... What a dream come true.

And the Pod Bud who said hello to me at the 99 Club. Wow, the Pod Bud's everywhere. We're popping up. I met the Pod Bud in Cistern, which is a small town near Leicester. In Cistern? I insistent that he was there. Because he was. That's great.

We're everywhere. We're becoming like a more poopy version of the We Head Cult from Fight Club. Where everyone has to wear black jumpers and black trousers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone just coming up to each other saying, His name was Robert Paulson. Or whatever their little password is. Wait, who was Robert Paulson?

It's Meatloaf's character. Oh yeah, he gets killed. He sure does. With his big fat tits. Yeah Robert Paulson? It's Meatloaf's character. Oh yeah, he gets killed. He sure does, with his big fat tits. Yeah, of course, that's Meatloaf. That's Meatloaf. Wow. How weird is that? Wow.

Yeah, and that's the twist at the end, it was Meatloaf the whole time. That's the famous twist in Fight Club. It was Meatloaf the whole time. Brad Pitt was actually Meatloaf. Brad Pitt was actually Meatloaf. And then they sing a duet. And he would do anything for Fight Club,

but he won't do that. That being talk about Fight Club. He refuses to promote Fight Club. The Statue of Liberty is full of bees From her big blue crown to her little blue knees That's the buzzing sound that comes from old Liberty New York City's full of bees NYC's now spelt with a B

Because of all the bees that live in she She being the Statue of Liberty. Would you ever join a fight club? I think you'd be alright in a fight club. You reckon? Yeah. Maybe. It would be like... They do exist for real, right?

I once heard about a guy from my school who was like way older than me. Because my school was so small, it wasn't uncommon. Was that a teacher? Yeah, this guy. He seemed to feel like he was in charge of us. Very arrogant guy. Always very well-dressed, but not in uniform. He was like, get over yourself, man.

Just because you have a mustache and you're called Mr. Harrison. He kept facing, sitting in the opposite direction everyone? He was fucked up. That's weird. He kept facing, sitting in the opposite direction to everyone? He was fucked up. That's weird. He kept writing on the wall. And then changing his mind and rubbing it off. Rubbing it off.

Make your mind up. We're just all waiting for the teacher to get here. Some of the most non-committal graffiti artists I've ever seen. What a loser. Yeah.

No, there was this guy, because my school was like 50 people a year. Oh. Yeah, really small. You could always find out about like, people would have older siblings because small you could always find out about like or like people would have older siblings because it's a small community and community and you would always find

out about people who are like seven years older than you or whatever you'd be hanging out chatting and someone go oh do you remember uh jim mcgillicuddy oh you know he's gone to you know he's joined the air force or whatever and you're you're like 12 yeah and you're talking about someone who's clearly like 21 but that's the level of inter inter whatever. And you're like 12. And you're talking about someone who's clearly like 21. But that's the level of intergenerational knowledge you can get. And I heard about this guy who had been at my school at some point. The story was that he joined the Special Forces or the paratroopers or something. And was like just this maniac.

And all he ever did was like he was in the army or the paratroopers or whatever it was. Being a Special Forces fancy man. And he would like run around doing that stuff for the military. he was in the army or the paratroopers or whatever it was being a special forces fancy man and he would like run around doing that stuff for the military and then even in his holidays he would like climb mountains and you know go on like dangerous expeditions and one of the things he spent his holidays doing was apparently doing knife fighting in libya and this would have been in the noughties yeah yeah yeah or like in Rambo or Jason Bourne. He's doing those underground fights to make money. Right, okay.

But apparently, yeah, this is like Gaddafi's Libya because I guess I'm being told this in like 05. Sure. So this guy's, I don't know. I don't know what you do. You fly to Tripoli and you search through all the little brochures by the hotel Ibis desk. Knife fighting, knife fighting.

Yeah, how do you fight? Aquarium. No. Excuse me. Yes, sir. You're the head concierge, right? Yesife fighting, knife fighting. Yeah, how do you find that? Aquarium? No. Excuse me. Yes, sir. You're the head concierge, right? Yes. Yes, I am. What can I do for you? Is there any knife fighting in the

local area? Yes, of course. And they do that thing where they take the map out and they start drawing it. So we're here. So that's us here. And the knife fighting stadium is here. Now, it looks like this is the fastest way but actually you're so good here with enough do you have your own knife or would you like me to i would love you to recommend me a knife shop i couldn't fly out with my own knife but apparently

that's the thing i've heard and that sounds like nonsense but also like you say it must be real it was also before the time where you could verify anything. Yes! Maybe it probably was real. Yes! Something like a knife fighting club, that's got to be word of mouth. That's the only way you can find out about a knife fighting club, surely. That's the irony about don't talk about fight clubs. You think, well, what possible way could...

But it's not the whole point of the rule, don't talk about fight club. It's that it's to get people to talk about fight club. I guess so, yeah. It's like... He's not angry when more people turn up at fight club it's that it's to get people to talk about fight club i guess so yeah it's like uh he's never he's not angry when more people turn up a fight club no it's do you think that the the power of the rule is that it preserves the the feeling of specialness that everyone has and and as long as everyone feels like they're in a very special in group and they're very lucky to actually to have snuck in they'll be like infinitely more loyal and pliable whereas if you if you found a knife a knife fighting club

Leaflets in your thing you were like dominoes Papa John's knife Club Yeah, exactly. Well, because it's like fuck these guys. It's like members It's like a members club like so her house or something the whole point is that not everyone can be there Yeah, but the whole business model is that people are there. Imagine if the whole world was a fight club. Just constantly, hey, yeah! Kapow!

Just every day like a Batman comic. Blammo! Just... You have to fight your way out of a building. Yeah. I don't think I'd do well

in a fight club because I've had too many... Every time you wake up in your apartment you have to fight your way down the staircase. Every day is like one of those side-scrolling fighting games. games yeah yeah yeah just yeah just to get to work

just constant mashing of buttons i've been concussed too many times that's why i say that oh i've been thinking about concussions this week because i banged my head on something and now because a friend of mine got concussed really badly and she's much better now but i'm now terrified of getting concussed and so now every time i whack my head on something i go oh my god am i concussed what are the symptoms of concussion what are they and i'm always thinking far too clearly for someone who's concussed yes yeah uh but i don't think i've ever been concussed i think my head is so fucking hard yeah i can't i can't i'm concussed i'm concussion proof yeah i've been concussed i'm like i'm like a solid state hard drive yeah you know you can't you can't you can't break it

by shaking it yeah and you don't make any noise when you power up yeah there's nothing whirring inside whereas you there's a big a big pink disc goes yeah exactly you can hear it every morning or if oh or if someone says to me Like Someone says to me Do you remember that time And you go Oh I don't know

Well if you start If you look at something That has a lot of colours Yeah You look at a very colourful painting You go Like It just comes out of your nose

And people touch my head And they go Oh it's hot, it's hot. Turn him away, turn him away. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I've been concussed at least twice, three times. Is it all from rugby? Rugby, being smashed in the face and hitting my head on a doorframe.

You were smashed in the face? Yeah, then you remember. Oh, fuck, yeah, uni. Yeah, got a little scar, yeah. Were you, like, bottled or something? They jammed the bottle into my eye socket, yeah. But the bottle didn't break. Why did they do this again?

This was, like, first month of uni or something, right? Yeah, yeah, it was during a blackout in a basement nightclub, so there was no light, I'm not sure. But I remember, my memory cuts back in more clearly. I'm walking away from the dance floor where it happened. Yeah. And I'm saying to my friend, some guy just tried to hit me with a bottle.

What an asshole. I'm laughing about it. And my friend isn't quite looking at me. And he's like, yeah, and turns to look at me and goes, oh, no. Because there's just blood just pouring from the cut and then that guy ran away so like that guy ran out of the club and i couldn't figure out who it was but i'm trying to figure out them i've still i still don't understand the motivations of this pissed people

at like 2 a.m you bump into each other and they take it the wrong way and i don't know but it was dark how could you even tell who'd bumped into him we just just i don't know if the blackout lasted for like 20 minutes but i don't know if Just a thrashing of dark. I don't know. The blackout lasted for like 20 minutes, but I don't know if it happened exactly. I don't know. I don't know. Piss people, man. So now, you've seen Pierre live, you'll know that he has a sort of Harry Potter scar down between his...

Well, everyone just thinks it's a wrinkle line. Because it's exactly in between my eyebrows, where a frowning eyebrow would make that little line above your nose. So it's an incredibly well-placed... I mean, for a glass bottle to the eye, you've come out relatively well. Yes, but I was concussed for two weeks. I couldn't read or focus on letters or write.

And it makes you very paranoid, and it can make you very angry. Anger is a symptom of concussion as well. Or maybe you're just angry going, my head hurts! Terrible headaches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My awareness of concussions is that you shouldn't sleep. Yeah, I stayed awake for quite a while. Why shouldn't you sleep?

It's not like, I think it's not that you shouldn't sleep. I think it's that you thinking like, oh, sure, I'm tired, is actually your brain like shutting down. Yeah. It's not actually that you want like, oh, sure, I'm tired. It's actually your brain like shutting down. Yeah. It's not actually that you want to go to sleep. Right. So it's just to make sure that people don't mistake that part of the concussion for bedtime.

For being knocked out? Yeah. Or for your brain trying to shut down. And then your brain's just dead? It gets damaged somehow. It can get damaged, I think. You're supposed to just stay awake to try and like... Yeah, I think that's more like that. Not like it's dangerous to be asleep.

But it depends. I'm not sure. I hate it. I haven't thought of it. Yeah, because it's your brain, isn't it? Yeah. It's your squishy part. Yeah, it's my squishy computer.

My squishy laptop. It's my meat computer. I need it for meat calculations. God, I hate it. I hate anything going wrong with the brain like that. Your friend and mine, Kieran Boyd, excellent stand-up comedian who's going to be at the Soho Theatre soon, I think.

Go see Kieran Boyd at the Soho Theatre. Kieran with a K. Boyd with a B-O-Y-D. He had to fast forward through our last episode where we talk about veins and and vulnerabilities of veins and he was just like ah no he was just like skip skip skip can't cope with it and he loves death metal and violence of course but it's because it's abstract and you can't make out what they're saying yeah but when it was just us calmly talking about veins he was like fuck this really just the idea of he also had to fast forward

through the episode where we talk about hemorrhoids, but that's because he was eating... But those are also veins. He was eating pho. Hemorrhoids are also veins. That's why. Oh, hey, I know. So he's nothing if not consistent. He's a vein phobe. Yeah. In 2020, it's not okay to be a vein phobe. Don't vein shame. Some people have veins. Get over it. People who are into heavy metal like really hardcore rock they're always very sweet people i find they're always the nicest yeah absolutely apparently that carries through to the concerts themselves right apparently at the concerts everyone's just like a hey neighbor and it's like a guy with a skull face and but then they also like go nuts and mosh like mosh and break each other's noses but it's they? But it's like consensual.

Oh, really? They're all just like, it's time. Whoever wants to be in the pain pit, starting now. And apparently, like, if someone trips over in the mosh pit and stuff, everyone's always like hopping them out. I'm sure there's an exception to this, like the Norwegian black metal guys who go around burning churches and actually murdering each other.

Oh, really? Yeah, no, they're really dark, yeah. One of them, the lead singer, it's a really famous photo. The lead singer blew his own head off churches and actually murdering each other oh really yeah no they're really dark yeah gosh one of them the lead singer it's really famous photo the lead singer blew his own head off with a shotgun yeah and killed himself but there's a photo of it the bandmate who he lived with came home and saw the crime scene of him having blown his head all over the room and was like and just like took a photo and like took a bunch of photos of it and was not interested particularly in calling the authorities. Wow. Then the photo he took was the cover of their next album

with a new lead singer. Really? Yeah, these people are sick in the head. Oh my gosh. But those are like the extreme end of it. What is it with the Scandis and being fucked up? Yeah, but in such a Scandinavian way. Is it just a Viking thing?

Is it just like a leftover Viking? Maybe. Sometimes people die. Men are supposed to be killed. Everyone's job is to die. Yeah. in such a scandinavian viking thing is it just like a leftover viking like maybe sometimes people die men are supposed to be killed that everyone's job is to die yeah i was trying to do some stand up about that the other day is that is that a good observation where i was saying like all of men's role models their job is to either die or make everyone else die yes it's just death just meat yes yes your job is to always be like as much of a big meat piece you can. I think it's because men actually have a very mature relationship with mortality. You think so?

Yeah, unlike all these childish, pacifistic women everywhere. Who want people to not die and to be alive. Like there's space. Get a grip, Cathy! Get a grip. We're all going to just shoot each other in a big circle and whoever wins gets to I don't know, fuck and wear a leather

jacket. The male mindset. Yeah. Everyone's just, it's all just about dying and being meat and jumping in front of bullets and things. Yeah. And like in the movie, your best friend's job is to die and your job is to not be so upset about his death that you don't make other people dead. That's dead dead dead meat meat meat yeah that's that's

saving private ryan a bunch of people have to go make a lot of people dead so that one person so they make one person not dead yeah you can summarize a lot of dead also yeah it's okay if they're dead. Greetings, humans. You have successfully captured one of us, i.e. me. Well done. In order to secure my release, the Council of Eklabrlg has agreed to bestow upon you several gifts of science and technology, which your race could benefit from greatly, and with which our race has bored off tirelessly. First, I show you the Sega Mega Drive. This is an entertainment system that began on our planet as a device for colonoscopy.

It has moved on somewhat from there, and its original purpose has been lost. But you can use it to play as a blue hedgehog that collects rings for no discernible purpose. Released this year around the 90s. We also have to give to you, human race, a light-up sneaker. These are, you call them shoes, we call them You call them shoes, we call them... Mika waka And they light up to notify nearby organisms of your age

We also... Finally... Because we only have three things finally this is a mobile phone do not use this device this device has destroyed our planet it has turned us all into slugs and worms. It is the reason I was foolish enough to stumble across your horrible planet and be captured. I was too busy looking at a meme about space poodles. Do not use this. Destroy it. Destroy me. Forget you ever heard about mobile phones. Me. Since the Johnson government came in, I've really detached from daily politics. Because it used to be like, there's all to play for and no one knows what's happening.

Sure. The government doesn't even really exist. A man has proposed a member's bill. And if it's passed with three crows before the stroke of blim night. Right, yeah. And now everything's a fait accompli. Now everything is, we're going to do this. Well, we don't like that.

And before you can even finish saying that, they just go, fuck you. And they smush their thumb right into your eye. And you just have to take it. I have fantasized for a while of us becoming more like a xi jinping uh society yes and with a mandate this size we effectively with a mandate for uh boris johnson's conservative party the size we effectively have the british government is designed to do that every time there is an election it is designed to it's the prime minister proportionately in the system is so overwhelmingly powerful.

He's much more powerful than the US president within the system. The US president can't declare war. The prime minister can do whatever the fuck he wants. Or she. It's kind of hot. Yeah, it is kind of hot. So actually now,

we're just so used to having poopy half government that this is the first time that it's like, oh, oh no. This is the first big majority since 2005. Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is a mad thing to think. And God knows what that fucking lunatic scarecrow is going to do with it. I don't think he is a lunatic.

I think he's just psychopathic. Yeah, that's true. He's not inconsistent. Donald Trump is a lunatic. Well, he's probably senile. Yeah, he does. Joe Biden and Donald Trump

are both just sort of going, I had a hamburger. It's very worrying. They're senile. That's what it is. Is this what the late Roman Empire was like? He's not as stupid as he is just plain old senile. It's like worrying. Yeah, they're senile. That's what it is. Is this what the late Roman Empire was like? He's not as stupid as he is just plain old senile. It's like George III. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've gone mad from syphilis, and now you're just rambling on about this and that. Yeah, whereas Boris Johnson is just an evil little bastard. Yeah. And I think I'd rather... He's Flashman. I'd rather an evil little bastard than a senile old man. Yes, probably.

Yes, because a senile old man could just be controlled by an evil bastard anyway. Who are you looking forward to losing against Donald Trump? When he is inevitably re-elected. Well, I think... If Trump does win, and he looks like it probably almost certainly will yeah um was it no i think i heard you say the other day no sitting president um since since 39 i think yeah no sitting president has lost with unemployment below seven percent so if unemployment gets around seven percent or above everyone's so dissatisfied with the economy

that they get rid of whoever's in there but if it's not then you've never gotten rid of him yeah essentially the economy is doing too well yeah and i think i think he played a blinder um intentionally or not with iran yeah he was just like i'm gonna blow up your favorite guy and you can't do anything about it i mean if i'm if i'm a nationalistic american that was the best thing that's happened in the last five years. There was a really long sort of complex, well-informed article I read about it where it was like someone was just saying, look, he's reset it. The whole point of American power for the last 20 years was that they didn't use it, but that they might.

But this lunatic stormed into the room and just put a gun to the guy's head and blown him away. And everyone's gone, Jesus Christ. It's the difference between a mafia boss going yeah you might find uh you have some business problems over the next few months if you don't sign this contract and a mafia boss just killing everyone in front of you and going you want to die yeah he basically end of the godfather one did everyone in the middle east yeah he did the end In the Middle East Yeah he did He did the end of The Godfather 1

He did the end of The Godfather 1 Or is he just Godfather? Or whatever But the point is he did it with a mouthful of hamburger Half paying attention Yeah It's the most pathetic figure In those moments he's a bit of an idiot savant.

Yeah, he's like... He's an idiot savant when he's up against other nutters. Yes, it's like if you were playing chess, but a version of chess where it's not against the rules to just slap the board into the air. Or to push one of the pawns into your opponent's eyes. Yeah, and everyone's gone, he's the first player in this tournament for a long time

who's had the the viciousness to just do that it's convention that we try not to push pawns into the eyes yeah but it is technically within the rules yeah it's that i i want if okay so trump has to win i want bernie sanders to win the democratic race race and then lose so that they can finally put that argument to rest that Bernie Sanders would have won in 2016. You mean that Bernie Twitter and all the rest of it can finally shut itself down? Yeah.

Do you think it would shut down though? Because even Corbyn Twitter isn't fully dead. It's pretty much dead, but there's still a hard 0.1% of people saying, oh, it still would have worked or whatever. Because the argument was, oh, if the manifesto was radical enough,

everyone would just vote for it. Yeah. And they made the most radical manifesto possibly ever. And everyone went, what? You know what the remaining Corbyn campaigners on Twitter remind me of is like in rome total war when you you fight the barbarians and you defeat them and then they all escape they start they run off the map yeah and you try and get the rest of them but there's always a couple who get off the map

one figure and then you finish the battle and you pull up and you see ah there's still some more and they kind of trickle away the one little army and you know it's got like seven archers and a cavalryman yeah and you know like you don't have to worry about that anymore you're just annoyed you didn't that they're still running around it's kind of like that so yeah bernie i think for bernie sanders to lose or put a lot of um what ifs um to bed yeah that's true that's true and look you know i would kind of like mike Mike Bloomberg to go up against him just to watch Billionaire versus Billionaire. Yeah. I mean, Billionaire versus fake Billionaire.

Yeah, Billionaire. Tenth richest man on earth versus some guy who's definitely in a lot of debt. Yeah, versus a guy who is a kind of like crayon drawing of a billionaire. Yeah. From a satire. Yeah. Yeah, it would just be good because then there'd be loads of chapters of history books entitled The Battle of the

Billionaires. Yes, please. And what does The Battle of the Billionaires teach us about early 21st century American political decline? And we could all enjoy the essays thereof. Yeah, that would be good. Yeah, and I mean, have you seen Bloomberg's poll numbers? He's gone from like zero to third place just through

the power of money. Right. Is he not doing quite badly? No. Well, my point is the graph is like But that's only because he only just started the race. He was going to be at zero because he wasn't even in the race until about eight. Yeah, but the rate of climb. If you don't have

$340 million to spend, which is how much he's spent. Yeah, no. Yeah. So Bloomberg spent $340 million to spend, which is how much he spent. Yeah, no. So Bloomberg spent $340 million, and I saw someone saying, so if you had $500 in the whole world, and you spent $2.50 on a Metro ticket, you'd have spent more of your wealth proportionately

than Bloomberg spending $350 million. Isn't that amazing? Well, he $350 million. Isn't that amazing? Well, he's very rich. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, for that to be nothing. But he can actually hire people who, to be fair, a lot of his billboards

have been pathetic. With shitty insults on, like bad jokes. He needs to hire some actual joke writers. Because they're not funny. It's like, Donald Trump, you mean the some actual joke writers because they're not funny. Oh no. It's like Donald Trump. You mean the bad hair guy? It's bad.

Yeah, it's bad. Yeah, it's no good. Anyway, we're only discussing American politics precisely because British politics is so harrowingly locked down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing so to play for at the moment. Before the government illegally deports us both to Jamaica for no reason. For fuck's sake they're really leaning into the cartoonishly evil version of what they could be yeah yeah pretty patel is like yeah she's like a disney villain she she she has a face and and and opinions born To just say something like

I think you'll find the Death Star quite operational I've never known anyone whose resting face is a smirk She's like a Death Eater She's perfect to just be hovering Just to the left of Voldemort's shoulder Yeah Take that Potter That's her whole vibe.

Yeah. Did you think love would save you? Yes. That's exactly the face. That's the kind of thing she was born to say. Ha, ha, ha. correspondence correspondence chatting chatting correspondence

playstation playstation correspondence hi peas from gina oh gina which gina Hi Pease From Gina Oh Gina Which Gina Not the Gina we had on Oh okay not Gina Martin

I also have a cousin called Gina who got married I don't think it's her I don't think it's her I don't think she listens to this podcast Hi Pease Big fan of the pod After listening to Phil say he's sometimes compared to Sue Perkins I saw this beautiful lady come up on a lesbian personals page I follow on Instagram.

The likeness is undeniable. Keep jacking it, Gina. Sue Perkins came up? No, no, no. Someone who is a big likeness. Someone who looks like Sue Perkins and who therefore looks like me? Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's cute. I could see it. Very similar glasses.

Shall I say the name of the Instagram account? Nah. Nah, fuck him. Yeah, I could see that. Do you have any other doppelgangers? You used to do your Michael McIntyre bit. Michael McIntyre people used to say a lot.

Not so much anymore since I lost weight. Sue Perkins. Fred Armisen. Yes. I do look a good bit like Fred Armisen Fred Armisen actually looks a lot more like my cousin Brian At home Who also doesn't listen to this podcast

Really? Yeah he looks a lot like Brian Does Brian have enough stubble? Because Armisen is quite a stubbly stubbles Well he's got that sort of old guy stubble now When you know men reach like 50 And suddenly like I have white stubble now when you know men reach like 50 and suddenly like i i have white stubble now

because i'm serious yeah i have white stubble now because i invented this entire simulation at one point all men become the director in the truman show yes yeah all men become ready to spin around in a chair. Or wear a turtleneck like they live in a modern glass house on a lake. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's my dream. I'd love to live in a modern glass house on a lake. With minimalist decor. Oh, man.

Have you seen Parasite? No. Oh, the house in Parasite is like the dream. The perfect house. Turtle neck house. Matt gets in touch. Matt! How about that?

Gents, I have often felt this chilling tale needed a wider audience, but there was just never the appropriate forum until Budpod was born. And so for that, I thank you. I lived in the Netherlands for three months in 2001, during my studies. As a spry young thing, I had many a giddy time. Often rolling in in the early hours, a bit worse for wear. One morning after, I awoke with a hefty payload in the Bombay.

Wow. And blearily stumbled to the toilet to rain down hell gosh yeah now i'm not sure if you've encountered dutch toilets um is that dutch toilet is that a toilet you farted in it does sound like you know when the americans are nicknamed dutch oh yeah a new solo by dutch toilets oh noets we've gone a good few weeks without a new jazz musician I've been writing jazz names down in my own free time if you can believe it

yes I can believe it Dick Amulet that sounds like a detective Dick Amulet Melbourne Breakwater Ronald Lust Ronald Lust Minty Pints minty pints is good and sassy notion i like minty pints minty pints is good isn't it and on the drums minty pints

yeah yeah yeah minty pints also because the idea of a minty pint is horrible it is horrible yeah but it's very um uh vivid i think it's because someone offered me a minty pint is horrible It is horrible, yeah But it's very vivid I think it was because someone offered me a mint before we were going to the pub I was like, well I don't want minty pints And then immediately took my phone out and wrote that down Because I'm pathetic Anyway, he says, I don't know if you've encountered Dutch toilets But they sometimes have an inspection shelf

Where the tod piles up before being washed away When you flush German toilets are the same There's almost like a kind of shelf that the poop lands on. Oh, kind of like a festival toilet. Yeah, you can look at it, yeah. Oh, so it's like,

so when it's heavy enough then, just to save water? Yeah, but also like the water will shoot it off this cliff edge into this sort of back bit. Okay. So it's not like the whole thing's a bowl. It's like just the back bit's a bowl.

Right, okay. It's like a cultural thing, I think, for health. Like, you need to see if your shit's okay. Right, interesting. It's a very German thing. The Dutch clearly do it as well. That would be very helpful, actually. But this shelf makes the drop shorter.

Yeah, so the toilet piles up, but we wash away when you flush. But this shelf makes the drop shorter than our British toilets. And the Titanic turd was coming out of me. Hit the shelf before it had left my startled hoop startled so what he's saying is the poo is still mid birth but it's already encountering porcelain yeah yeah so you you are connected to porcelain yeah it, it's like Adam and God on the Sistine Chapel. Being a bit hungover, this all hit me slower than it would have normally, and before I knew what was happening,

the log snapped, fell forward, and kissed my nuts on the way down. Like a training boxer. Yeah. Or just as it was falling Just a little peck On the nutties It's very funny I can assure you there is nothing that will shake you from a boozy haze

More quickly than a shit touching your sack. And fair enough. Feeling properly violated, wide-eyed with horror, I emptied myself as quickly as possible and then spent an overly long time in the shower cleaning myself in the hope that I might wash away the memory of this traumatic incident. 18 years on, maybe this public admission will be another step in the protracted healing process. Koji Matt. What's important is that we're talking about it.

Look, we're not being shamed for... We're having the conversation. We're not being shamed for long turds kissing our nuts on the way down. Thank you, Matt, for sharing your truth. And for sharing a truth that can only happen not only to men, but to men with long enough balls. And big enough poos. Yeah.

Big balls, big poos, big heart. Thank you for sharing your poos. Do you know how difficult it is if you're on a date and someone's like, what's your podcast about? And you go, um... Politics? Yeah, it's just two guys, you know? It's fun.

Don't listen to it. It's about digestion. It's about health. It's about solidarity. Caroline gets in touch. Caroline. That's a fine. Yep, it is a fine.

That's a fine. That's a fine. That's a fine, eh? That's a fine, mate. Dearest Podbods, I have enjoyed your jovial repartee since day one of this excellent podcast, marinating my ears every week with side quests, tat-tats,

and tales of people cacking themselves. Founding Farta. Founding Farta, of course. Praise redacted, praise redacted, thank you, thank you. I'm here to return the favor. It's a long, but I hope worth it story, and I've yet to hear a story quite like this on Budpod. And I have every anticipation that its retelling,

courtesy of Peyer's mellifluous tones, will delight your listeners, particularly the ladies, and absolutely appall Phil. Ooh, I'm excited. I like to be appalled. Yes. Prologue. Soiler alert.

Very good. This is a true story. That's funny. This is a true story and contains graphic harrowing descriptions of encopresis, which is a fancy medical term for the involuntary passing of stool into your clothing. Wow, encopresis. Quite why the definition has to call out the word involuntary is baffling why in the name of fuck would anyone elect to shit their shorts i don't know there's some

fucked up people out there man just google it you'll see i kind of like doing it when i was a kid uh my point is made and you are forewarned here is do you like doing it as a kid i like holding my i like holding my shit in when i was a kid just for the feeling of power and control yeah just the sensation felt good yeah do you get that i understand it bum fun but now i was always like yeah i guess it was a kind of bum fun and there was something exciting about being on the brink of shitting your pants but yeah but never coming goodbye shut my pants all the time are you kidding well you were playing russian roulette yeah you were playing russian poulet flushing poulet now. You know what?

You lived by the sword, you died by the sword. I used to drive to work. Oh, no, what happened? That's Caroline. How bad was this poo? I shut myself out of a commute. I wrote my cars a write-off because of what I did in there. I used to drive to work.

The morning was like any other. A cup of tea, a pre-drive pee, and my thoughts turning to the breakfast burrito that I would eat at my desk. Little did I know I wasn't going to get to my desk that day. Wow. Five minutes into my journey, I hit a traffic jam on a section of dual carriageway. Roadworks up ahead had snared the traffic up, and this was not unusual, so I settled back into my journey, I hit a traffic jam on a section of dual carriageway. Roadworks up ahead had snared the traffic up, and this was not unusual, so I settled back into my seat and began to puff on my vape.

A treat I usually saved for mid-morning. Custard cream flavored. Not that it matters. I don't blame that noble biscuit for what happened next. Noble biscuit. For any smoker, ex-smoker, or vapist, you'll likely recognize the feeling. You ready your implement, you inhale, you look cool, and to hell with the long-term consequences. But as the delicious poison enters your body, it supercharges your colon. It sure does.

Coffee, too. Yeah. Coffee and a cigarette. Poo-poo-poo. Coffee and a cigarette. Poo-poo-poo. Lighting that cigarette is like lighting the fuse on a poo grenade. Had I considered this, poo, poo. Lighting that cigarette is like lighting the fuse on a poo grenade. Had I considered this?

Had I fuck? As I dressed that morning, I'd put the slight discomfort in my subnaval region down to new jeans. Tight jeans. The kind that made me feel sexy and taut from hip to heel like a vac-packed ham. I like subnaval. The garment plays a part in this anecdote that I've only just come to terms with. I knew I had to poo. But stuck in a jam, a blockage,

the irony of which I was in no state to appreciate at the time. This could be in the New Yorker. This is very good. This is like the Atlantic. I'm sorry, did Ronan Farrow write this? Nose to tail with other drivers, I was trapped. The bubbling brown bisque inside me didn't care. Bisque, yuck. That is yuck. Suddenly, the queue of cars began to move. There was a roundabout up ahead bisque inside me didn't care. Bisque, yuck. That is yuck. Suddenly

the queue of cars began to move. There was a roundabout up ahead that I could use to double back. The other side of the carriageway was clear. If I could make it to the other side, I had a chance of making it home in less than five minutes. Could I hold it? I had to try. As my wheels inched forward, I could feel the movement moving relentlessly onward like a procession

of solemn monks robed in brown. It's like chanting coming from your mouth. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop.

That's great. Chanting to their dark lord, making their way towards the light. The race was on. By some divine grace, I made it to the roundabout. Circumnavigating its sweet, sweet curve with the maniacal excitement of a woman who could smell the gleaming porcelain of sanctuary and release. I'm imagining Jesse at the end of Breaking Bad. Yeah, laughing and crying. Just crying, yeah. Just yelling.

Because he's escaped, but he's so unhappy. He can't believe he let it ruin him one more time, but now he's free. I don't need to tell you two learned fellows Phil with your engineering degree And Pierre with your extensive knowledge of Anglo-Saxon Norse and Celtic texts That making this turn exerted additional force On my body

And when a system is stressed Something has to give My glee turned to terror I whispered through gritted teeth No Did it come out the side of her? My glee turned to terror. I whispered through gritted teeth. No. Did it come out the side of her? The worst part wasn't feeling soft, hot, moist matter creeping into my cleft.

Cleft? Cleft. The worst part wasn't sensing it cup my cheeks like a filthy memory foam cushion. The worst part wasn't trying it cup my cheeks like a filthy memory foam cushion the worst part wasn't trying to focus on driving ignoring the fact that i in my late 20s was shitting myself in the car minutes from home no the worst part was still to come i still had every muscle of my lower body tensed so contracted were they i could feel my judas of a sphincter twitching with fatigue. We woman folk have more going on down there than just a shawshank. There is another.

Let it be known that the vagina... There's a carry. Yeah, there's a carry. Let it be known that the vagina, the fun dungeon, is fucking great. But that morning I'd made a deal with the devil to seal my lady cavern shut forever. Never again to feel the caress of my or anyone else's touch have you ever

squeezed a plastic bottle underwater release the pressure and the pressure difference causes the water to rush into the neck of the bottle you can see where this is going i don't know your listeners can see there in the car squeezing myself tight i saw where it was going to oh no lots of things have been in my vagina as a teenager I tried to fashion a dildo from talcum powder, water, glue, and a condom. Good thinking. Like plaster of Paris, talcum powder, and glue. He's like a horny MacGyver. Sexy MacGyver.

A horny, horny MacGyver. And some is MacGyver. And some is MacGyver. They've married. It didn't work. Who knew that a decade later I'd be peeling myself off the driver's seat of the car, waddling up the stairs to my bathroom and stepping gingerly into the bath. I guess I never thought that last night's dinner would ever make it up there.

Oh my god. God, it did. I freed a fetid, fibrous mass from my gusset. Oh my god! God, it did. Oh. I freed a fetid, fibrous mass from my gusset. Oh my god. Peeling its steaming remnants from the intricate topography of my nether regions and thighs. This is very New Yorker. It's very good. The genes had done their job, forming a tight seal,

but they had forced an extraordinarily sized, stinky stalagmite right up inside my oven for lovin'. And it is a stalagmite, you're correct. Yeah, stalagmite is correct. Poo stalagmite right up inside my oven for lovin'. And it is a stalagmite, you're correct. Yeah, stalagmite is correct. Poo stalagmite. Stalag shite. Stalag shite. I was not then, nor am I now, a father of Gwyneth Paltrow.

She can take her goop and shove it. But what I wouldn't have given at that moment for a deep fanny cleanse. Fanny cleanse, of course. Yeah, I know. I knew that was going there. Old fanny cleanse of course Yeah I know I knew I was going there Old fanny cleanse lovely pies Delicious A fresh fanny cleanse

Apple pie Straight out of the oven A fanny cleanse right out of the oven You want your Aunt Bessie Yorkshire puddings And your fanny cleanse apple pie That's a good sundae I bore down, forcing the mighty clay snake from twixt my

beef curtains. This is disgusting. This is like something from Viz. It is. If we send this to Viz, we get a publishing contract from them. My god. Staring in shock as it dropped into the bath. Where it stood tall like a muddy monolith. My god.

Solid poo. And every time I think Caroline's run out of synonyms for a poo, she's putting us to shame. The English language is so versatile and diverse. It's beautiful. This secondary secretion was sent the way of its sibling, into the shitting pot where it belonged. As I turned on the shower, it began cleaning away layers of...

Oh, God. I don't even know if I want to say that. Shall I say it? As I turned on the shower and began cleaning away layers of Oh god I don't even know if I want to say that Shall I say it? It's disgusting As I turned on the shower and began cleaning away layers of Still recognisable vegetable matter Oh my god Matter is the worst bit

Matter That's like Whitnall and I There's matter in the sink Growing Chickpea, curry, tomato, skins skins flax seeds yes i'm that kind of millennial see that's the problem with having such a vegan diet you know your shit's become so powerful that they'll literally have sex with you you'll do a shit and it'll be so powerful it'll fly into your vagina you can there's such a thing as too regular yes yes too too many poops

uh spoil the broth god man, man. I mean, a lot of the time when people say, I couldn't listen to that episode of Budpod because I was eating, I think, oh, grow up. This one I can understand. This one, anyone listening who's had to stop, we understand. Completely understand. I don't think I'll have dinner tonight. We apologize, but only in the way that right-wing media pundits apologize. We apologize that you're upset.

Yeah, these are not our views. No. These are not our poos. All poos, not my own um how i uh i fantasized about lying back gripping my ankles and having an adult wipe me clean like a giant baby how i wished for a powerful jet washer with a birthing bazooka attachment to sandblaster for my meat taco. They're self-cleaning these velveteen vaults of ours, but I was taking no chances, and fair enough, in my opinion. The entire cleanup process of myself, the bath, the car, and my clothes took most of the day, and a violent quantity of cleaning products. I called work, claiming to have an upset stomach. My boss said I sounded shaky and to take the day. I bet you did.

He could never know. Traumatized, exhausted, ashamed, but empty and clean. I crawled into bed wishing for oblivion. Taking a dump on the road in static traffic would in retrospect have been preferable. Epilogue. And she's done. Oh, wow. Sick. S-I-C as in like, she spelled it like log as in poo. Oh, very good. Prologue was as well. Sorry for not mentioning that earlier.

There were no long-term ill effects from shitting into my vagina. Prologue was as well, sorry for not mentioning that earlier There were no long-term ill effects from shitting into my vagina Is this an email from Jane Austen? At the end of a movie Six years later There were no long-term ill effects From shitting into my vagina

I feared having to relate the story To a medical professional I feared that I'd the story to a medical professional I feared that I'd have to That I'd start producing green ooze From my bearded clam Jesus Christ madam Bearded clam? For God's sake

I'm starting to get grossed out now But I'm happy to report that everything is in fine working order I have never told anyone Since then only the finest latex sex toys A monthly moon cup And the delightful deli meat of my partner Extra spicy And my own digits are allowed up there I have never told anyone. Since then, only the finest latex sex toys, a monthly moon cup, and the delightful deli meat of my partner, extra spicy,

and my own digits are allowed up there. God save. If your partner's deli meat is spicy, consult a medical professional, I'd say. Ladies, don't shit where you eat or where you're likely to be eaten. For the love of God. Oh, very good. Very good. That's very good. It's good. It's horrible. Don't shit where you eat or where you're likely to be eaten. For the love of God. Oh, very good. Very good.

That's very good. It's good. It's horrible. Don't shit where you eat or where you're likely to be eaten. For the love of God, keep jacking it. Yours clean, uninfected, and now unburdened. Shriven, I'd say, in my opinion. Caroline.

I've got to give it up to that. Yeah. That's one of the best ones we've ever done. Well done. That's superb writing. Very, very good. Very good. I would say it's appropriate for me to tweet this out As the worst poo story

Or most vivid The best poo story title Still kind of belongs to Fern The most devastating? The most devastating Although no one was aware It's the most privately devastating Yes

Privately devastating is good no one was aware. It's the most privately devastating poo story. Yes, yes. Privately devastating is good. Shitting yourself so that a poo dick goes into your vagina in your car is If someone said to you go and shit into your

own vagina, you'd be like that's an elaborate way of saying fuck off and who knew it was possible astonishing that it's it's it's it's a horrible story beautifully told yeah i you have to get if only there was a version of the if only there was such a publication as the poo yorker this would this would be the editor's pick without yeah the shatlantic yeah it would be this would be the cover this would be the cover yeah and people would be like it would be like um when the new yorker i think it was the new yorker published cat story oh cat lover whatever it was called um cat oh cat lady cat lady was that it something like that you know the one i mean

yeah my word. Well done, Caroline. Thank you for that. Yes, we should get Fern to listen to it and she can decide. Right, yes. Because she shat her own bra off. That is true. That is true.

And up a wall and off a toilet. And then helicoptered it around the room. Like a rocket. So, you know, the crown is hers. that is this this is like the tyson fury yeah of challenges to this belt this poopy belt yeah really superb really i'm not knocked for six well done carol well done that was worth that was worth a slightly longer part well done everyone and god bless everyone out there and everyone at sea yes Yes. Keep on jacking it. Keep on jacking it. Tune in next week.

Make sure you buy tickets for my Soho run. Yes. 19th to the 23rd of May, I think. Certainly at the end of May. And also, if I might say, I was just on tour in Manchester, the Salford Lowry, which was superb. And I'm back there on the 14th of April in massive rooms. It's too big, I think.

But please don't let me be too shamed if you live in the manchester area come see me at the man at the salford larry on the 14th of april 14th of april salford larry phil wang we got a tweet from someone saying i'm so pleased did you see that oh yeah because she was too ill to make the original one so now she's coming to that one perfect salford larry 14th of april that's it all right and me so her theater in london end of may uh see you there pod buds bye