BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 52 - ANNIVERSARY POD! Part 1. Feat. Adam Hess

Episode Date: March 4, 2020

A year of BudPod! To celebrate, here is the first part of a MEGA POD where Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie are joined by the brilliant Adam Hess! Talkin' 'bout: Neighbours, Formula One, train announcements, communion bread, Marjorie clips under the ground, young Jesus, movies ruin life, Adam digging a bunker, Atlantis and hoaxes, The Voynich Manuscript, another episode of Bear With Me, Adam and Phil have been publicly shamed, Phil got caught using a silly fake email, The Good Old Days of Twitter Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's 52! Episode, um, no, it must have been, last one was 52 because I called it episode Nifty Poo. So this is 53. Is this 53? It's 53. No! Yeah, sorry, I didn't realise that. Nifty Pee.

No, Nifty Poo. Let me check that. Nifty Pee. This is a live debate. How quickly it's become, uh, you know, full of fraught disagreement. Does this say on the app? It should say on the app? It should say on the app It would be mad if it didn't

It would be absolutely insane if it didn't say it on the app What do we pay all that app money for? Let me just buy some more credit So I can check Phil's on a pay as you go smartphone No this is 52 This is 52? Yeah

Really? Yeah you're right sorry This is episode n This is 52? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Sorry. This is episode Nifty Poo. Okay. Yeah, Nifty Poo, the year anniversary. Well, congratulations. It's been a year.

A year of Bud Pods. What a year it's been. And here to celebrate our stinky anniversary is our friend and comedian, Adam Hess. Happy birthday, everyone. Thank you. Thanks so much. Thanks, man. Our friend and comedian. Our friend and comedian Adam Hess happy birthday everyone our friend and comedian our comedian our comedian and friend he's been here the entire time

this is just the first time yeah this is a big deal thank you very much for the opportunity Adam's the producer yeah that's cool I'll do that role I've enjoyed it but I'm being let out for a special occasion I never know how to feel about Adam's the producer Yeah Yeah that's cool I'll do that role Yeah yeah yeah I've enjoyed it But I'm being let out

For a special occasion Yeah I never know how to feel About a podcast or radio show When the producer Starts chipping in Yeah yeah yeah Do you know what I mean

Because sometimes It's good value but Especially when it becomes Like they're pretending It's just chipping in But it's like He's part of the woodwork Or she's part of the woodwork

And they're That wasn't even improvised Yeah And they're making it sound like they're sitting farther away. But they've got their own mic. Yeah. They have a special faraway mic. Did you find it weird when you realized that, like, when they started to film radio shows,

when you realized that they're not all sharing the same mic? I just thought, like, Chris Tarrant and Dr. Fox had their teeth right up next to each other. Yeah, good morning, everyone, like that. And I was just like, oh, I should have imagined more camaraderie. You thought every radio show was like when the three backing singers in a doo-wop song kind of go, shoo, shoo, around one central microphone. I think I'm basing it on when in Neighbours, when Toadie had a university radio show. And that's all we've heard of.

I understood all the nouns you've said. Oh, fair enough. And I know Neighbours is the Australian one. I'll edit this bit out. Okay. But Neighbours was huge here for no discernible reason, even though it's Australian. Yeah. What was that about?

Why was it so big? Well, it was so big. They showed it twice a day. Was it just like... I can't think of anything else that they would show twice a day. Not like the news when it changes. It's like for drug addicts. They would show Neighbours at 1.15,

and then they'd go, well, we've got to do that again. And they would show again at 5.35. And they wouldn't change it, it was the same thing. During the school holidays, I'd watch it twice a day. Is it because Neighbours is just like sunshine cockneys oh yeah and British people

are like they're foreign but they're so essentially just us or is there so much going on in every episode that you catch different things

a second time yeah yeah you pick up easter eggs it's like a David Lynch film loads of easter eggs it's so complicated and layered.

I think, to be fair, the one at 5.35 did have commentary on it. Oh, okay. And so you'd have picked up what the clues were and stuff like that. Oh, so the 5.35 was the answers? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You had the afternoon to mull over the mysteries of Neighbours. Oh, I did. Jenna closed the door in Bill's face? And also there was not only that, there was also a recap at the beginning of each episode of what happened in the previous episode. So I would sometimes see the same scene four times.

So you'd see it twice on the day and then twice tomorrow in the recap. And also it was like there was a three month delay between an episode being shown in Australia and the UK so as such I think after a while they were like

well the UK is such a big market it's going to be really confusing for them if we have any Christmas episodes so they didn't once because it would be in March so they just never

celebrated Christmas after like 1994 or something like that so it's like atheist soap opera yeah it was just it was just fucking petrifying it was like an episode of Lost it was like atheist soap opera Yeah, it was just time It was just fucking petrifying

It was like an episode of Lost It was like, what's going on? It was like The Sims They don't have weekends That really pissed me off Because you have to go to work every day Oh, brilliant You never had a weekend

I got annoyed with The Sims because of the mismatch Between how time worked and tasks So for your sim to shower for long enough for it to reach full clean for it to be like i'm happy because i'm clean now it would have to shower for two hours and it would shower for the length of time that a murderer would shower after killing a family member yeah yeah scrubbing and crying and you'd miss work and was there was there an alternate thing which well that's not long enough like yes proportionally yeah cooking oh really they would just get a dish of like nothing and put it in a microwave and then

that would go like oh my 10 minutes it would be like a roast dinner or whatever yeah i think about the time of stuff really freaks me out i always always thought that about Soaps again that there would always the cliffhanger would happen like one minute before the following episode begins. But sometimes that following episode would air two days later. So over the course of...

So every episode happened the day after the previous one. But over the span of 30 years, if you're missing a day a week, we're in 1995 still do you know what I mean? these people are so busy yeah, very stressful it's economics of scale isn't it?

of course, yeah a little bit here and there everything alright? yeah, I'm just making sure because listeners, I've got a handheld mic so that's why I feel a bit more like a roving sports reporter. Yes, you look like it, too. You look like you're at the Grand Prix.

Yeah. I just know loads about the mental state of various drivers. I will say this. I had a very good friend growing up who loved Grand Prix and Formula One and stuff. I never believe people when they say that. I know. I never believe them. I know, but I would go around to his house to hang out. you know when you're a kid and this is like pre-internet

with smartphones or anything so you just have nothing to do there's just nothing you just all day i would come around to his house and he would be sat like and he would watch like four hours of racing it's pointless just ask at the beginning don't even do the race ask who's got the fastest car you'll win it me, you'll win this. And then it's like, believe it or not, you know who always wins? Ferrari. Ferrari always smash it. Vauxhall Astras have suddenly started winning.

Yeah, and it's always like, David Carr comes last. Of course David Carr came last. It's David Carr. It's brown. No one's even sponsoring it. It's the wrong shape. It's got a sail. So it's not going to win We're downwind

It's too long It's too long, isn't it? But also like Yeah, I love how little anyone knows about Anyone below third place In Formula 1 Like Lewis Hamilton is one of the most famous people on earth No one knows anything Yeah, exactly And they're still making so much money in like seventh place And Formula 1 like Lewis Hamilton is one of the most famous people on earth no one knows anything

and they're still making so much money in like 7th place and they're like well I'm Casper von Stubelitz you know I drive for Gronski you know the Russian car and it's annoying that yeah in the end it's just like an Astra from

some Vauxhall Astra that's been towed in from Yugoslavia I mean some Soviet car Built out of old tank parts And no one would even notice But it's also extra hard to make these people Recognisable because you don't see them During the actual sport taking place

They should have on top of their helmet A sculpture of their head Like a knight Like a medieval knight So you can see them driving around Like a knight Like a medieval knight Yeah yeah yeah So you can see them And then they like Or should the helmet have their face painted on there

Oh yeah yeah Something like that Or maybe like It'll have to rotate slowly so that everyone can see Or maybe like a feed Of what their face is happening inside the helmet So they bump into each other, you see them go, and look at each other.

Yeah, they looked too weird to me. It's one of those sports as well where the amount you have to pay to watch it in the special seats, to be there, to be there in Monaco on the finish line, is hundreds of thousands of dollars, and it's full of oligarchs and Bond villains. Yeah. And it's objectively the worst way of watching that because they just go and they're gone yeah they should for an extra price you sit in a car surely you would see what surely you just

have to pay more to be able to watch it on the tv because you get like drone footage you can watch the whole race yeah i mean the same way you can buy a box for the theater. You should be able to buy like a sidecar. Yeah, 100%. And then you pay an extra fee and they attach you to the car and you just go. Or like a rabbit in Greyhound racing. They just like fly you around the track. Like that, that'd be great.

In a little robot box, yeah. Or maybe, I've got an idea actually. Maybe like glass bottom fishing, like at a boat. Maybe the track is glass and you can just hang out beneath it Like Right Like a Japanese businessman Someone who's really horny for cars

Yeah I'd love that Or above To be fair above works probably far better Yeah above makes way more sense You wouldn't be able to tell which cars Which come out of one of them Yeah You could have a really decadent party

Where everyone's just drinking cocktails While these These death machines race underneath you That's cool That's quite cool That's really cool When the drivers are doing the driving do you not think at some point they must think what should i do like like they can't be like driving all the time because they know let's go straight for a bit you know how sometimes there's like a hundred cars all in a big zooming blob yeah the guy at the not the not the guy right at the back but the guy like three from the back

he's definitely just thinking like i'll try i'll try that omelette recipe again yeah egg i'll try that'll be good yeah yeah it's gotta be others i start thinking about goalies all the time sorry goalkeepers sorry yeah sorry we don't want to get cancelled um do you when they're just they're just basically for most of the match Watching football They're just like They're probably If they're ever engaged in the match it's disaster No no no no no You've got to think about other stuff

They must do If you're a goalie I am amazed that more of them don't just smoke Yeah yeah But we don't know because the camera's not on them That's true they could be up to anything Well there was that it wasn't a goalkeeper but he was He was a substitute for One of the smaller teams like

Hull Disenfranchised I don't know what You call those clubs and he was just like Eating a pie Yeah he got fin he was just like eating a pie Yeah he got fined for Formatively eating a pie But wasn't that a brand deal He didn't declare it

Yeah it was Oh is that true Everything's an ad Everything's an ad now I was having a delicious cup of Adam is an ad The short version of his is an ad It must Yeah The short version of his name

Is ad I'm not I wouldn't be surprised If there are ad people Just hanging out Like taxi drivers If they just mention I don't know why

Taxi drivers don't just say Oh have you tried these beans Yeah If you hire people Yeah You'll just have a captive audience If I was a masseuse Sorry masseur

I would just You just got a captive audience You just mention beans I masseuse, sorry, masseur, you just got a captive audience. You just mentioned beans. I swear someone did do that, though. I swear someone paid all the black cab drivers to say something or to... Was it Nigel Farage? Because this seems to be working. Every black cab driver is a super progressive

left-wing socialist, but their money... They're highly capitalistic. They need the money because they yeah they're driving cabs if i was a train driver actually that's better because you've got a pa system there's a thousand people in there go the next stop is uh norwich where alan partridge dvd is and you just say something like that that would be great but also then it doesn't work on the london underground and some of the shittier trains because as we all know they'll be like you'll grind to a halt outside of your destination and it'll look quite serious and the PA will go

does that happen it's the speaker quality is so shit especially in the London Underground I mean we also people don't be sold to in such sort of antagonistic like people no one wants no one's taking anything in because they're frustrated isn't that a great way to solve some to to put people in a stressful situation and yeah it's a horrible day but if you buy and so you sell something like a stress like a um an app for mindfulness so when you get people stressed tell them the thing what if you did it for social good so you'd be like and we're just being held at a red signal Outside of London Paddington No sign of when it's going to be fixed Unless everyone on this train registers to vote

Oh great stuff I had a tube driver not so long ago And he made an announcement In an American accent I was just about to say this I had a tube driver once who had an American accent And the second said The next stop is London and Liverpool Street

Oh yeah the same guy Everyone just popped up like What the We all looked at each other like Well why isn't he in Hollywood That's genuinely the feeling I think it So American

What's he doing here What is our life story I've always thought Can you imagine like an English subway driver Subway car driver in New York That station is New York Grand Central I just think to myself The idea that

It was funny how that made us bond On the tube It's like that, a dog being on the tube Not like there's a dog and everyone just smiles at each other Or a rambling guy Who is shouting at his own reflection I don't know if that makes everyone bond They just look down more

Yeah I mean that happened with I fucked a dog No but that guy's trying to shout in people's faces I'm saying that guy standing by the central pole Looking down just going Yeah well that's what I told her Like stamping his feet loads That means everyone can look at each other and go uh oh I remember once there was a lady across

Across me on the tube And she was just knitting. And one by one, everyone on my side just caught her knitting and just watched her knitting. And it ended up like five people just silently watching her knit. And then she got to her stop and she got up and she left and everyone just kind of went, no. We all had this chance of, no.

I was enjoying watching that. It would be great if she starts knitting something absolutely horrific. Oh, that's cute. Oh, God. Is that a murder scene or something like that? It's just funny. It's like a cock sock. I think the world's become so shit that that's the sort of thing that would be viral.

A photo of the world's falling apart. But this woman, woman Woman shocks the internet By making a scarf underground Or some shit like that This is great These commuters found something to bond over And what it was This is why I'm glad that flash mobs

Have died out Because I've seen a couple They're all committed masses They're trying to It was all cultists And then just all took out a gun And killed themselves I was on the tube once

I was on a tube once And I saw a guy, it was a packed tube And I saw a guy with a trumpet I was like if you fucking dare And it wasn't in anything But the last Flashmob video I saw was quite recent. I think it was a quite recent video. It was this guy just going, oh, happy day.

And everyone's looking around. And everyone's obviously taken aback. And then one of the people that had previously taken aback starts singing. So she's in on it. But the entire carriage is singing. So this isn't a flash mob. You're just a choir. You're not flashing anything. You're just a choir. You're not flashing anything.

You're just hijacked public transport. Yeah, you're just taking up quite valuable resources, like limited space, and then just singing. You can sing. It's just not a thing. You should just get 40 men, and they're all just sat there, right?

And they're the only ones in the carriage. No one else is there. And film it. And one of them just takes his dick out and just starts wanking. And everyone's taking it back, and then And one of them just takes his dick out and just starts wanking. And everyone's taking it back and then the next guy goes, takes his dick out.

So I guess- Then eventually, the 40 of them are all just doing it. They're like, wow, what an amazing- So I guess what you're saying is- Everyone was so inspired in calling it masturbation.

So yeah, I guess that's what it is. An annoying thing stops being annoying if 50 people do it unasked. Yes. That stops from being, oh, that's a nuisance. Someone's just singing in my face. Oh, 50 people do it unasked. That stops from being oh, that's a nuisance. Someone just singing in my face.

Oh, 50 people are singing in my face. This is epic. Yeah, that's like the difference. Wow, this is epic. Totally awesome. It's restoring my faith in humanity. My faith in humanity was so low but also so easily fixed. Oh, and it's the best thing ever.

Again. That is scientifically possible. Things can get increasingly better. so low but also so easily fixed oh and it's the best thing ever again ever i've never seen that is scientifically possible things can get increasingly better yeah but this is not at that rate yeah um it's like when you try and do the thing with difference between like a belief and a delusion because diagnostically that's quite difficult because you go like well when is a delusion you know when is a delusion a religion? Yes, yes, yes. Well, I mean, it can have sort of quite dangerous real-world consequences. Someone I know who is a psychiatrist,

you're not technically or legally allowed to define someone as insane if their delusions, in quotation marks, align with an accepted religious belief yeah so yeah so so then they then they're not necessarily they could be a danger to their family and you'd have to leave them alone because then they're not actually technically insane because no because it fits with a cultural idea so so what so if someone, I believe I can fly because Jesus might think that.

No, but that's not a part of Christianity. There's not a part in the Bible that says Jesus will give some people the ability to fly. Whereas if you say, that old man said a spell and now this biscuit is the flesh of my God, then you're just a Catholic. Oh, I was that.

It was never explained to me, that thing. Transubstantiation? The bread thing. It was never explained, especially because we weren't given bread at all. What? It's not bread. Well, biscuit.

A wafer, yeah. Yeah, it was like... I wouldn't go so far as to call it... I wouldn't upgrade it all the way to biscuits. I was obsessed with getting that. It's rations. It's the closest you have to rations nowadays, right? The church communion wafer.

Yeah. At the time, it was the smallest things I'd ever had. It was... Because it would... You didn't swallow it. It was like one of those breath fresheners. You put it on your tongue, and then it just got... It's just gone.

It was like a space invader without the middle finger. It was a space invader. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how they make them. They just cut the space invaders in half, and they throw away the... And they blow out the powder. Yeah. The powder's too much fun.

We can't have that. Hello. No one is available to take your call. Please leave a message out the powder. The powder's too much fun. We can't have that. Hello. No one is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone. Oh, hello. I'm just calling because, you see, I went to the park. I went to Hyde Park to look at the horses, and now I'm under the park. I don't know what has happened, but I can't get back above the ground,

but I can see through the ground, like when you fall through the ground in GoldenEye, or maybe Medal of Honor. So I've clipped through to underneath the park, and I can throw things up into the park, but they don't come back down through the grass. And an infinite network of wires stretches all around me in every direction, and the background of the reality is sort of, I would say, eggshell. Not pure white, but maybe off-colour. But I do still get mobile reception, but I can't charge anything, as I said. I can't quite climb my back out. Okay, thank you. It was thrilling getting that.

Didn't you, weren't you Christian? I missed my confirmation because my parents were out of town. And then I just never went through with it. And that's why I'm an atheist now. My parents just were out of town. When I was supposed to get confirmed. So funny. Although I did go, I started going to church for Midnight Mass.

And I started going to a Methodist place in Bath. And they literally just have like a bread roll from Sainsbury's. And the guy tears off a piece of bread and gives it to you. Oh, my God. And I found that quite affecting, actually. Yeah. That's Jesus stuff, isn't it? That's recognisably bread.

Yeah, yeah. It's less mass-produced as well. We need another crate of those thin, weird wafers that makes you feel a bit industrialised. Yeah, when you think Jesus, you think tearing off bread. When people say... Rustic.ic yeah a rustic loaf steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family it's only loafs of it's only bread that you're stealing so if i was a starving family and someone was willing to steal but the only thing they stole was a loaf of bread i'd be like come on you're a known crook

you might as well steal some want some kFC. But also, whenever you imagine someone stealing a loaf of bread to feed their starving family, it's like a round, crusty brown loaf. Yeah, it's a legend. It's a legend. It's a square loaf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a square, uncut loaf of Wonder Bread.

You'd be like, no, fuck you. That's terrible. I think a real trick was making Jesus a carpenter, which never comes up, except at the end with the cross, which is like a cruel joke. Yeah. Because if he was a baker,

and he ended up talking about bread all the time it'd be a much better story yeah well he talked about bread because that's just how he understood the world this word is my body you know it would have been funnier if like like you said it's a cool cool trick if like he got a commission for a big cross like a couple of days before and he'd be like oh sounds fun what could possibly i know but i i've looked into this this jesus him being a carpenter you've looked into this jesus this jesus chap you've looked into this whole i've looked into him because i was finding it funny they don't mention much about him being a a a woodman woodsman no what is it carpenter carpenter butenter Carpenter But There was other gospels Wasn't there?

You mean the ones That they didn't let into the bible? Yeah There's one about What he got up to as a kid You know what I mean? Oh really? He was a little rotter

What did he do? It was a naughty boy He was a naughty boy And he Because there's There's one reference To Jesus being a kid Because obviously

That's the funnest thing Imaginable A child god Magic god power kid It's great But there was The one reference we're allowed Is him talking to the rabbis to Jesus being a kid? Because obviously that's the funnest thing imaginable. A child god. Magic god power kid. It's great. But there was... The one reference we're allowed is him talking to the rabbis

on the steps of the temple. Yeah, he goes missing and he turns up in church. And he's having a big debate. Very convenient. Very convenient. He would be there, wouldn't he? Or Jesus, yeah, yeah.

But in the one they didn't let in, he... He makes someone's hair fall out or something? Yeah, somebody didn't believe stuff he was, I think. As a child, people weren't believing him and he punished them for that. Well, according to the gospel of something.

It's like Thomas or something. A collection of fragments. Like it's not a good... Oh, like the anthology? Like the short stories? Yeah, like the notes for a new book. Okay. Yeah.

Well, one of the bits they didn't let in in the official version was a bunch of kids were fucking with him Well, one of the bits they didn't let in the official version was a bunch of kids were fucking with him and he kind of summoned a bear and the bear just ate them. Oh my gosh.

It's a lot more like freaky, freaky deaky. I remember like whenever I was at church they were giving the same stories by my priest

and I was like, there must be some meaty stuff. I was never taught about Lazarus being risen from the dead. Yeah. Sick. But I remember. I was never taught about Lazarus being risen from the dead. Yeah, sick. But I remember when I was taught stuff about miracles,

I thought these are all facts that the priest is saying. So I was like, oh, and then Moses made the sea split in half. And I was like, whoa! And I was like, mummy! And I was like, shush! And I was like, mummy, that sounds like quite a big deal! And everyone was being very quiet. And I was like shush and I was like mummy that sounds like quite a big deal and everyone was just being very quiet and I was like

mummy and like no one was and I thought I was just mum was like showing off now and I was like

oh so expressing any emotions like showing off so now I'm quite stoic if someone tells me I got into Oxford I'm like what of it

I'm like don't show off now but I was like it was quite weird like some big news stuff that he was up to do you think that's what a lot

of Christianity in Britain is about is getting our expectations for what is amazing so high that you're not impressed

by anything for the rest of your life well yeah I mean I so Moses split the seed don't react don't react Don't react Everyone's like

That's the least he could do He came back to life after three days That's pretty impressive I certainly watched so many films as a young child That life meant nothing to me Do you know what I mean? People say if you watch too much porn Sex isn't interesting enough

I saw James Bond when I was four That's mad Like people Bang A pen went bang Pens are shit to me now Everything's shit to me Because the stuff I saw

A lion can talk Like this is I'm fucking going to zoos Zoos are shit Because no one's singing Yeah And like I'm just like

Nothing's interesting anymore Because the film just ruined it I thought medicine was ruined By a lot of films and stuff because it's like, right, so in fiction, I can go into the woods and grind up some bark and just cure whatever I want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In real life, it's like this boring, prodding, paracetamol.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were talking last week about when, it turns out when we both were boys, we'd make shampoos I know, smoothies You'd make loads of potions I did it outside Whenever I decided

I really loved my mum that day Yes, it always was It was going to be a little present I'd go into the garden with a bowl And just pick loads of mud And grass and daisies and rocks and I thought

that was basically a bunch of flowers and I just give her this earth microcosm like, Mummy, I love you! Like a cat.

Yeah, a cat. And she would just be like, oh there it is, give her a bowl of shit. But my mum would encourage it because she was like, get him out of the house.

We had a bunker We had a bunker in our garden When I was growing up Like a war bunker A war bunker Which was No What?

It was sunken into the ground You couldn't open the door It was a steel Or a metal door You couldn't get into it You couldn't get in But we knew Like a bomb shelter

Yeah it was a bomb shelter It was concrete But with a metal door Right And we knew Me and my cousins worked If you just dig away Dig away in front of the door Deep enough We'll be able to open it it was a bomb shelter it was concrete but with a metal door and we knew me and my cousins worked out if you just

dig away dig away in front of the door deep enough we'll be able to open it so I was like out there for ages

after school every night just digging digging digging my little hands you look like a kid from a folk tale yeah exactly and then after

after about a year it was the year I was doing World War 2 at school so I was like 7 or 8 or something like that and I was like yeah I'll find treasure in was doing World War II at school, so I was like seven or eight or something like that. Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, I'll find treasure in there. I'll find skulls. Why? Yeah, a grenade. No, I'll find nothing. Yeah. But anyway,

after about eight months, I was getting nowhere because I was small. I was crap at physical stuff. So I just gave up. Years later, my mum was like, we were filling that hole

back up every night. We were fucking keeping you out there. You're really annoying man And Yeah So Then I eventually got into it And

There was Obviously just a ladder Just a rotting ladder What was there Before you guys moved in Yeah yeah yeah Wait Yeah

And I don't know if it was like Second world war Or cold I don't know Like someone's weird storage even Yeah But it was literally just a

rotting ladder which I just kicked as soon as I saw it I was like I can kick that or maybe I'll ask my mum I'll ask my mum can I break that ladder

and she's like dude do do whatever you want yeah that and a bowl that I just tried to smash but it was plastic so it kind of

hit me hit my shin but yeah it was absolutely pointless like years worth of work well if it was a plastic bowl then it probably would have been oh yeah unless it was absolutely pointless, like years worth of work. Well, if it was a plastic bowl, then it probably would have been. Oh, yeah. Unless it was Bakelite.

Oh, no, no, no. The bowl went in there. Oh, you took the bowl in? No, no, no. You're saying if it's plastic, it must have been Cold War. Right. But, I mean, the bowl could have just been put in there later. Right, sure, yeah, yeah. I'm married to the rather romantic notion that no one had touched it. It was frozen in time. I don't know. Someone in there later. Right, sure, yeah, yeah. I'm married to the rather romantic notion that no one had touched it.

It was frozen in time. I don't know. Someone in the bar just went, I've got to run out of space in the house for this bowl. This one bowl is more trouble than it's worth to keep in the house. Yeah.

I just can't bring myself to throw it away. What to do? They look up from washing the bowl in the sink and see the bunker up the window. I love the idea. Pierre, you must know about this. I love the idea that it sank over time. It hadn't been touched for so long that stuff grew over it.

You know, like when they find an old city underground, I'm like, so why is it under... So did it just get so dusty that it's now underground? I worry all the time about how things became under the floor. Yeah. Because the earth is not getting bigger. So why is it under the ground? I think that it's like when...

If you see... I think it's... If you see a graveyard where all the stones are, like, sunken, I think the reason the floor's going up is because, like, enough leaves fall. Yes. They turn into mud. So that's just another couple of

millimetres every year. But then I'm out in the desert. Well, the desert blows the sand around. Yeah, so is it just that? But some bits must be getting shallower. That did happen. That happened somewhere in North Africa, I think in Egypt, where there was a huge sandstorm

that just revealed all these statues. And everyone went, fuck! that was there the whole time Oh my god, like what? Skateboarding statue, that would be great If they were all just doing gnarly tricks Yeah, because if it's just a man on a horse Well, yeah, we know But if it's a man on a monkey, we're like, yay!

And the history is cool again Yeah An Egyptian half pipe Yeah that would be great It was something very historically significant It was like proof that a certain mythical city Had been real or something I love it when mythical cities are real

Yeah I went to the Troy exhibit And maybe Troy is real It's one of those really annoying conclusions Where they're like We found proof that there was a city like Troy But it was in a completely different place And probably wasn't Troy

I guess the Troy Museum Really have an incentive to keep the Troy lie alive Yeah yeah yeah It needs to be a cliffhanger But they want there to be enough doubt That you're not just happy that there was a Troy And that you leave Come back next year

We've found another jawbone Yeah I'd love Atlantis famously is made up I think about Atlantis all the time Yeah 100% Plato's like I only made it up And I go but no

That's right Was it in One of his made up Party conversations I think so Socrates is talking to Is it I don't know I think the writer does play to But it's like

But then you can say Why did he make it up because he'd overheard the fact That it was real That sort of thing Or like he made it up without fact that it was real. Like that sort of thing. Or like he made it up without knowing that it was real. Yeah. He just said it, but little did he know. Beneath the waves.

I fall for a hoax once a fortnight. And it makes my life really thrilling. I found out about these stones that were found called the Dropa Stones, which is basically a comic book carved into some circular stones that were found called the dropper stones which uh it's basically sort of a comic book like carved into some circular stones that tells a story like it's like oh man and a woman hanging out man and a woman like eating some beans or whatever and then you go is that a spaceship and it's a little comic book and i was like watch a two-hour documentary of it read up loads about it then i just googled the sentence dropper stones and then it went dropper stones hoax

and i was like that was the first thing. And I was like, oh. And they were like, oh, we've carbonated it today. And I'm like, no, this is not, no, it's real. It's real. Have you seen that thing of people going like, well, you know, you've got the temples, the pyramids, right, in Egypt. You've got the pyramids.

And then you've got Angkor Wat in Cambodia, the big pyramids there. And then you've got the Incan and Aztec pyramids. And they're all, they've got the pyramids. And then you've got Angkor Wat in Cambodia. The big pyramids there. And then you've got the Incan and Aztec pyramids. And they've all got the same design. They all look the same. Is that a coincidence? Was there an ancient super civilization that got split up by continental drift? And someone's like, or that's just the best way of stacking big rocks.

Yeah, triangles. So that they stay up. It's kind of how I feel about The Simpsons. The Simpsons is on at 6pm everywhere in the world. Yeah. In Malaysia growing up, Simpsons was on at 6pm. And I moved to the UK, 6pm. Is it a coincidence?

Yeah. The aliens gave us The Simpsons. But it's not 6pm there at the same time as it is here. But of course. The sun never sets on The Simps never sets That pyramid theory It would make perfect sense Instead of it being pyramids If it was like a Westfield

Yeah that is weird Triangles are pretty fundamental Or if it was a pyramid inverted It's so needlessly difficult They must have thought it was useful I love a thing that is on the cusp of being absolute bullshit i absolutely love it it's the closest i've got to believing in god or like magic yeah because like there was a um do you know there's a there

was a map that was found called the vind the vinland map the vinland map vinland map yeah where it showed it proved that i know that the new world in america had been discovered and drawn on a map fucking ages ago yes and i was like this is great and then i was like and i was like early on into my reading of it they were like no we checked the ink that's that's new ink yeah that's that's a hoax and i'm like yeah you lie it's got it's got aluminium yeah it's signed by banks it's a gel pen it's's been done with this popcorn-smelling gel pen. It's on the back of a receipt, Choccy Woccy Duda. You seem like you'd know about that, Matt.

Yeah, I know, because the Vikings, or rather, to be more accurate, the Norse peoples, are supposed to have landed in Vinland, and they do seem to have. They've got some archaeological evidence. Leif Erikson and so landed in Vinland And they do seem to have They've got some archaeological evidence Vinland? Vinland is like Labrador In Canada Excuse me?

Labradors are from Labrador In Canada? Is it? Wow, okay I'm so clever that I didn't even know that Labradors were a dog It's that bit of Canada that dribbles upwards towards Greenland. Oh, okay.

What, near Nova Scotia? In Nova Scotia? Yeah, that kind of area. That's what the Vikings appear to have called Vinland. Because part of the problem with thinking that this is conceivable is that our map projections, right? The ones that put the UK way bigger

than it actually is. Greenwich Mean Times in the middle and so on. That, I think it's the Mercator map projection. Mercator that was it Sorry I think that makes the distance between like say Norway to Iceland Iceland to Greenland, Greenland to

Canada look massive and it's not massive. Yeah I would have discovered America, I genuinely believe I would have discovered America if I was back then. Because you just go Scotland, I'll go to Iceland. Yeah. I'll go to Greenland. I'll go to Disneyland.

The distance between Scotland and Iceland, when you actually measure it, not just look at the map and see that it's big, is just as easy as Scotland and Norway. It's so conceivable. Yeah. And they had all these stories. We know they got all the way to Greenland and you can practically

spit at Canada from Greenland so why wouldn't they just sail a bit more? And they say they did. And there is some archaeological evidence that they found. I love that. I don't know why it's so... It's debated but it's so plausible and also it doesn't matter. Because the whole point of discovering America

is that people already live there. It's not discovered. Yes, of course. So who cares? Yeah. Why didn't they leave more toys there, the Vikings? Their settlement just died out. They were attacked by Native Americans. Oh, really?

Really harsh winters. Have you not seen The Revenant? The Greenland... I have seen that. It's hard. Their Greenland settlement died out. Anyway, that was my second year archaeological project. In year two?

Year two. Fucking hell. You're... That was a hell of a school. That man is tough. That was a hell of a school. Jesus. Me and you were talking about that code book ages ago.

The Voynich Manuscript. Voynich Manuscript. My favourite manuscript. Do you know that? Why are you into all these V things Adam secretly loves codes and mysteries I've got one I've got the demo for Encarta

And it's only V Adam's brain Secretly is like Late night history channel Alien pyramids Nazi hunters There's a book called the Voynich manuscript

yeah because it was just it was like popularised by this bloke called Voynich that found it in 1912 or something and everyone's like

oh and he was like oh I found it he's like what languages is this written in it was probably it could be Turkish it could be whatever

and he didn't know and then he showed it to every like linguist and they're like we don't know what this is and there's all these

like drawings in it and like it looked like maybe a botanical book something to do with like medicine showed it to everyone they were like we don't know

this is no language that we know about and then they were like it must be a code and every code breaker even at Yale they're still like we have no idea

what the code is they're like this is they've done like statistical analysis on it and they go the frequency of the letters stuff like that they go this're like, this is, they've done like statistical analysis on it and they go, the frequency of the letters and stuff like that,

they go, this isn't random. This is a language. Yeah, like a little kid didn't just make it up to fucking people. Where do they find this thing?

It's been doing the rounds in Europe, like going from like, like count to count, like in like weird, in libraries, yeah, in weird collections of books, like really,

like rich people. And then there's just like, New York man found it a while ago. Like Jumanji. Yeah, you need to stop saying that. Like whenever I say, I really need to trim my beard, Phil's like, well, like Jumanji.

You were really affected by the attack that happened to you while watching that film. Yeah, it's secret manuscript code. And the one thing I find really cool about it is apparently handwriting experts have said the person who wrote it, they didn't hesitate. They wrote it fluidly. So it's not like special slow writing.

It was just like as if they really know what they're on about. Listeners, do a little Google image search if you're interested in looking at the Voynich. Imagine if a Budpod listener just cracked the Voynich manuscript. It turns out you just hold it upside down. Yeah, it's just a description of loads of different types of poo. People just make up their own languages all the time.

JR Tolkien just kind of made it up. Totally, but the point is those can be cracked. Oh, I see, I see, I see. You can feed them into a computer and it'll figure it out. Whereas this thing just is immune. And it's like pictographic and letters. And there's weird illustrations of plants and stuff. There's ways that people are trying to crack it,

which is there's a few pages which are clearly astronomical. So you go, well, that looks like the Big Dipper. Or it looks like Aries, that constellation. And there's a word beneath it. And so you go, well, maybe that word is Aries. And they go, well, maybe that's an A. So they think they're trying to do stuff like that. But then they have to go like, okay, is it Aries,

how we would spell it? Is it the Latin, the Greek? A lot of people just write in Greek for the sake of it. Also, there's pictures of plants. And they go, well, that looks like a coriander leaf. So they're going, maybe the word is coriander. Maybe it's cilantro. Let's give up.

And coming up next, John is cranky after waking up from his hibernation and Jill has found something that she enjoys even more than honey and fish. It's the nation's favorite bears in this new episode of Bear With Me. Bear With Me was filmed in front of a live studio audience. I found out recently it was polemic. That's how you pronounce it? Instead of banana.

I was saying polemic. I was always saying polemic and polemicist. And then someone, a comedian we know, said, I'm sorry to tell you, you're doing that. I was trying to sound clever. I was humiliating. Who did it?

I will never say. I will never say on air. And I was like, fuck. I really humiliated myself in front of you once. Really? I'm dumb. Like in front of you once really? we were talking about we were talking about investments and money and I

very like loudly started proclaiming about the advice that Warren Buffett gave his wife on his deathbed but Warren Buffett is not dead. But I was so convinced he was dead. Alan Sugar's deathbed.

And I was just, you know, when you just jump in on a conversation, you're like, yep, now I'm catching the baton, I'm running with it, keeping up the momentum. When Warren Buffett was on his deathbed and just, like, Adam's face dropped. Well, I could see Adam's, like, smell blood, you know? Like, his pupil just became his whole eye,

became black like a shark. Wait, so surely... I'm guessing, like, did I call you out on it? Oh, yeah, big time. But I thought you're intellectually secure enough that that's fine. It's not like you were nervous giving a speech in front of all the bullies and I put my hand up immediately you were fine with that of course it was very embarrassing oh my in front of me surely but it was you um mark smith

rhys james i mean these are pretty brutal people oh no the brutal trio i basically like went into the line enclosure and slathered myself in gravy. It's such a funny thing to get wrong. Normally, I remember my life's been played with just casually singing along to a tune of a popular song. And then someone says, turn the music down. Adam, what do you think the lyrics are?

And I'm like, what? What did you think the lyrics are? And I'm like, I don't know goes, what did you think the lyrics are? And I'm like, I don't know. He sung them pretty confidently three seconds ago. Say the word. And then you just, oops, I did it again.

I know for years I was singing wrong and it was humiliating. What were you saying? Oops, I did it again. I'm going to do that again. Got a lost in this game. I was like getting lost

all these days. Oh no. That was a bad one. Yeah, this game I was like getting lost all these days oh no that was a bad one but also anyone who goes turn the music down turn the music down that person is an SS officer that person is like a Nazi from a film

excuse me Shots a Bar who is the furthest favourite singer immediately killing a spy yeah yeah yeah. Like in Glorious Masters. How did you say three with your fingers? That'd be a great thing to do anyway. Just people go, shit, am I going to have to get murdered?

If anyone, I don't, I'm very comfortable with being, I'm not the cleverest in the world. If anyone ever picks me up on a word I get wrong now, I'm like, okay, fine. What's the difference between while and whilst And then they go If you think you're fucking good with words Just whilst while and whilst

Surely no one knows that Just chuck whom in there I hope we know whom People don't know whom I thought I knew whom for years People don't know who Sorry yeah people don't know who That's correct

That's fine People don't know to whom Something applies People know who that is But you would say People don't know Whom it was You say whom whenever you would say him

So I'm singing my favorite whom yes you're listening to bud now we're playing with farts okay um uh oh yeah so this weekend this last weekend on tour i was caught out for the first time on a long-term lie i've been playing it was at at the place i was staying from Exeter leg of the tour and at hotels they sometimes they make you write down

your email address and I don't give people my email address fuck them so I've but instead of challenging them on it I just write a fake one

and it's never ever come up before until this time around when I needed a VAT receipt and and and she was like oh the printer's not Captain Pring a VAT receipt. Ooh. And she was like, oh, the printer's not- Is it still a big dick Captain Pringles at hotmail.co.uk?

It wasn't far off because the lady at reception was like, it's not printing right. I'll just email it to you. And then like amber warning was going off in my head. And then she was like, I'll send it to this address, chinaboy69at dimsum.com Oh, no. And I was like,

because I was there with Yuriko, who's like my tour support. No. And so I just said it. ChinaBoy69. No, no, no. I don't use that one actually anymore. Because suddenly you have to come up with a reason

as to why you've changed your email address in one day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go, oh, I was forced of habit because I used to use Chinaboy69 at dimsum.com all the time. But then I started charging for extra storage space at dimsum.com. It's when people in a completely non-cynical way ask you for your number. You give them a fake. And people now do go, oh, I'll call you just so you've got mine. That's just even not a creepy thing. People just go do Go oh I'll call you Just so you've got mine Yeah That's just a Even not a creepy thing

People just go Oh I'll call you now The two I've been caught out twice When I gave someone A fake number And I'll call you now And I was like

I forgot my cyanide capsule today That's when you go This is the end This is the end of the world What could possibly happen now I'll call you now And you just silently Raise your hands to their throat

And kill them You go Ah So you've got to do something That makes You've got to do something weird I'll call you now and you just silently raise your hands to their throat and kill them. So you've got to do something that makes, you've got to do something weirder than what's about to happen. Yeah, you have to eat the phone or you run up towards the wall. Can you hear that? Can you hear that? Can you smell that?

Can you smell that and everything has to change? Do you think there's a world where you could be so smooth? So let's say your phone's in like your coat pocket And they go I'll call you now And without looking As you just rummage for your phone You turn it off And as you take it out and it's off You go oh it's died

Yeah but then they call it And then Billy answers hello It's another number Hopefully they wouldn't try This is why I'm living my life And this is true In a way that I always have a shit ready to go So that if I think something

You've always got one on the chamber On the lips of my anus There's a shit ready to go Just in case I get into an awkward situation It's like you're trying to remember a shit you took It's on the lips of my anus So if I think We had something like that before didn't we

It's on the tip of my anus so what was it thing we had something like that before didn't we it's on the tip of my anus oh it's on the tip of my butt so like if like someone says a line of enquiry that you're finding a bit weird about

or like like your Warren Buffet mishap you just shit yourself and then everything's everything's okay like if someone like

questions me or just like where's that five pound you owe me and all of a sudden we're talking about that you get out of it force one out of the chamber

yeah no not force allow allow it's knocking because it's right there knocking all the time it takes a very tight person to watch someone

shit themselves and go I repeat where is my five pounds never mind that yeah yeah yeah where's my money yeah

is it in your pants that'd be great yeah I need to yeah I'm trying to since listening to this more, I'm more aware of shitting.

Yes. As an activity. Yeah, we're trying to raise awareness of shitting. Yeah. Not enough people know. We're actually sponsored secretly by the British Gastronomical Society. In the pocket of Big Turd. When I started to become a comedian, I thought to myself,

I'm going to be clever. I'm going to say words like Wednesday. Long words. And then it took me a good few years to realise, I think as a rule I had, if a story is funny offstage, it's bad. Or if a friend of yours

could have a story that's inherently funny and you're not a good writer and then i thought i don't care and i i shat myself like three times in the same year or something i thought this is good this is so good stuff yeah like some awful stuff happened to me recently yeah bum wise and so this is i'm the king of comedy now i'm inducing it's i think it's great because it's like immediately acceptable stakes yeah like it's like job interviews first date and shitting yourself the reason they're so like ubiquitous as plot points is no setup you know we know what's gonna go wrong here and it's universal absolutely universal it's universal and like i'm like it's i'd like to do it more

just like the mishaps it's but you're saying that they're not transferable to stand to comedy i'm now i'm now thinking i don't mind talking about this stuff on stage oh okay okay whereas i used to think when people you tell something to a mate and they were you oh that must be in your in your stand-up and i'm like well no because anyone that's just a normal funny story why would you pay to hear a man say I shit myself because anyone you can get that for free that's you overestimating people again

I am doing that a lot this week I tried to do stand up the other day about how many, let's say you're on a train that's stuck on the tracks it's not moving, you're all just stuck there or you're stuck in the tube underground yeah like jumanji in a way like jumanji i just want to say this is really like jumanji how many farts would you have to do before the anger and irritation of your fellow passengers turned into genuine full-hearted concern like how much farting would it take for them to go we've moved beyond how much it stinks

and we've we're genuinely so worried about your health are you okay i don't think it gets i don't ever get to a point where people start caring about the person yeah it starts becoming cute but what if it was just like every second and you're going every second It wouldn't be concerned It would only be concerned If the person farting was going Help me Because it looks like You've never farted before But it looks like you're complicit

If you're doing a fart It would be worse if their face never moved In which case you won't exhibit concern You'd be like He doesn't care No that's more normal That makes sense That's a normal thing to do

Try and play it off as if it isn't happening. Yeah, but my point is that like, I'm saying let's say that people are like, oh, for God's sake. Like, people do snap. Yeah. Stop it. Oh, that, yeah. I can't. At what point do people just go, are you okay?

Because there's a point where you stop hating the sinner and you start to hate the sin. You start to go, you're ill. You're so ill. Do you stop hating the sinner And you start to hate the sin You're ill, you're so ill Do you think maybe the line of inquiry Will be, what is it? Out of curiosity about the human body Did you breathe in loads earlier? Why is there so much air?

Did you eat a balloon? Are you allergic to something And did you accidentally have a burrito full of it? Yeah This is what I mean. Because farting is not like coughing or sneezing where it's like, no one goes, I want to catch farting. Like no one's scared about it because they're going to catch something from it.

Yeah, that's true. Even though it's coming from the worst place. Exactly. Surely if you're inhaling a fart, it must be way worse than inhaling a cough. But it won't make you sick. Oh, but it's got a filter. It's got like a mask on it. But then it does.

You're not taking it like a bong hit straight from someone's ring. You've got like a Rizzler filter of two pants. Of clothes. Jeans. Yeah. I've always wondered though. But they are more powerful. You're addicted wondered But they are more powerful You're addicted

But they are more powerful I'm very surprised every time If I'm walking forward through the street And I fart Sometimes I can smell it And I'm like Sorry how did he beat me? Yeah yeah yeah

How are you in front of me man? I know exactly I have the same thoughts I thought I left you back there Yeah Where have you come from? It's like a sort of an atomic blast That just goes and makes a sphere around you

I think it was inside your shirt I think it's clinging to your clothes It must be it It was inside your shirt and it's sneaking out your collar Like a ghostly hand from a cartoon pie Gosh Ghostly hand I'm always impressed when you do a fart outdoors

And you can smell it at all It's like I've beaten the outdoors I can smell this fart more than the world Especially if you're someone like A tall person That's a not insignificant distance From your nose to your asshole And it's almost instant

But you've got a more powerful nose Think about that You've got a bigger nose And a bigger bum Bigger lungs Yeah exactly So you can actually smell more So you're saying it scales up Pretty even Stevens

Everything scales up I remember when I University experience When I worked in A national airport In the perfume Marie I was like Well I've got free reign

To pop fart as much As I want now But I just made The worst cocktails Oh yeah It was horrible it smelled like burnt rubber all that Sweden putrid

it smelled like someone shat on grandma yeah yeah and I would stink so much because I would sell free samples of booze was my job free samples of like tasting samples of like whiskey so you're in the duty free area and the amount you'd spill on your hand

it would be like so syrupy and stuff and you end up just like so you smelt like a sort of homeless cowboy i smell like yeah always were you um airside or landside i was airside which meant i had to go through customs yeah i've always wondered you have to go through like yeah every security yeah so i didn't need a passport but I did need to just go through a metal detector and all that and I would get up at 4am so my shift would be 6am till midday just queuing up, taking your belt off

and stuff like that, dead behind the eyes because you hadn't slept and stuff and it was so funny that our bosses there they would always say like and remember you're not allowed to go on your phone during shifts for security reasons and everyone bought that what? They would always say, and remember, you're not allowed to go on your phone during shifts for security reasons. And everyone bought that.

It's like, what? What? What do you mean? Tell me one word of what you mean by that. Like you can report back what the other side of the airport is like. There's a lot of Toblerones. There's planes here. Yes.

Plan can go ahead. Hundreds of them. Or the idea that once you go home, you'll have forgotten everything you thought and you can call people then. Yeah. Were there planes? Damn it. I think... As if people who go on a plane aren't allowed a telephone.

Oh, it was the saddest job. Not a single window in sight in the whole of the place. Well, that's the thing I was thinking about having a phone on a plane. They go, please turn your phones to airplane mode. It's if this mattered you would come to every seat yeah and tear the phones out yeah yeah exactly the idea that you would trust us to keep this plane yeah yeah to remember to turn off our phones like make sure no one next to you has a gun well to be fair you take care of that when i did it when i went that. When I was doing the Melbourne Roadshow, your friend and mine,

the tiny... Have you done it? I did the Asia Roadshow. You travelled around Australia. I did it around Australia. There are some really tiny airports where you check in. And it's just like one building.

You can see all the four walls at the same time. And I remember I checked in my bag and they were like, do you have anything on you that you shouldn't have? And I was like, no in my bag and they were like do you have anything on you that you shouldn't have and I was like no because I thought

that's just a question like did you pack it yourself do you have any of these items in your bag and I went there's a list of quite ridiculous items on there yeah machine guns

nuclear bombs and I went nope and they went you sure and I went really and then get on the plane that was it

you get on the plane there was no scan you just open the door and you go on the plane and I was like I on the plane there was no scan you just open the door and you go on the plane and I was like I'm petrified now I think they're just like there's not enough fuel

in this plane for you to get to a skyscraper oh it was very you board from the cockpit everyone goes through the cockpit I remember being on one of the planes

was so small that there was not an even number of rows yes it was like one row and then two aisle two rows and I was like yeah that's And then two. Aisle, two rows.

And I was like... Yeah, that's like planes back to the Isle of Man. Oh my gosh. I've been on a plane so small that the person who did the safety dance at the start was the pilot.

Oh, really? The pilot was like, here's how the life jacket works. And I paid way more attention because he had a peaked cap and epaulets. Look, I have to go pretty soon. But guys, this is how...

Okay, if I fuck up... Surely, by the way, that's the easiest... This is how the vest works. Surely, that's the easiest way to go pretty soon, but guys, this is how... Okay, if I fuck up... Surely, by the way, that's the easiest... This is how the vest works. Surely that's the easiest way to go viral, by the way. Just do a funny safety announcement at the beginning of a plane flight. The Americans love that, don't they? Yeah.

All you need to do is make it rhyme. I don't even remember. There was a bit of... There was a spate of fun underground tube dances for a bit after one of them went a bit viral oh like there's a move down the platform here to say like a crappy rapping yeah you're telling me like dude the videos happened it wasn't oh no for like a couple of months like there were like five or six like funky tube announcers and now they're it's like when it funny thinking, oh I could have done that

because I once did it. It's like when you see a teacher goes viral because they shake every people's hand individually as they go into the class and then someone goes alright I'll do that but I'll go nuts and then they've had to teach these kids, alright you're going to shake my hand then I'm going to fist bump you then I'm going to spin you around and I'm going to throw you up in the air

do it Simon! And then such a cynical way of going viral but they must try and outdo each other but also it's amazing it's like well if this goes viral then i could be teaching on tv yeah what's the goal you want weird media attention for a week and then after and in the small village you teach in in three years people will be like i just demand from the video like a pie shop that's the man from the video. In like a pie shop. That's the most you're going to get out of it. Going viral, yeah, maybe it just seems fun to people. I think you have a unique perspective on this,

Adam, because you were one of the first people on Twitter to hit numbers. As they were, right? You were Mr. Numbers. You were Mr. Numbers on the Twitter. And I feel like such an old cunt saying this. This was back in the day where people shared things of value Oh yeah

The purpose of them was to bring joy People actually retweet it too And so yeah I feel like you're sort of Like a Dying samurai Who remembers the days of honour Yeah like all these old In the same way I remember certain battles

With certain nicknames I remember Eggman Or like the old days of Job interview finger caught in Listerine Mishap Back when we took turns swiping at each other With our swords That's why I stopped tweeting jokes

Because I thought people aren't here for that anymore They're angry all the time but it's people just realise in my opinion there is it's easier in every medium

to to share to get shares or whatever if there's like an agenda a fury or something like that

like newspaper articles it's like or like like we were saying about this has to be the most epic thing ever or the worst thing ever. It's easier to think of something bad than something good.

Everyone needs to either be an insane, stupid, man-hating communist hippie vegan. Yeah. Or Hitler's ghost, but now it's been mechanised and it's even more racist. That's the only way we're interested in people's personalities. And I'm not that angry about stuff. All these references that people pretend are things just because it's already an accepted joke, like, everyone who vapes

is an idiot. No, they're not. They're fine. But it's just an accepted joke. Everyone in Islington has a child named after a spice. Not true. It's just people go, that's a thing. Anyone who talks about Bitcoin is really annoying. Yes.

But mostly it just seems to be like quite cynical and stuff. And I find like lots of times, yeah, like to hit big numbers, like just for the sake of it, I would think, why do you want to do that? I mean, I was like, I want to practice a joke writing skill and sell tickets to an Edinburgh show. But other than that, I was like i want to practice a joke writing skill yeah and sell tickets to an edinburgh show yeah but other than that i was like oh what's the point imagine going

viral for like something that wasn't actually happy and then like pinning that to your top something and it's yeah something sassy about how shitty the world yeah and then linking to your sound cloud beneath it if you want more of yeah, yeah. My son's gone missing. I've got an Etsy page. That was the end of the first half of the Mega Anniversary Megapod. That's right. It's a cliffhanger. Yeah.

Let's find out what Adam says next. Oh, no. Have I been contentious so far? No You're practically info wars on your own Have I just been babbling nonsense And I think I've been making perfect sense We'll see maybe next episode

See you next episode When is that? Is that next week? Yeah next week Same time next week Or you can just stay here We'll stay here in silence We'll sit here like statues

and a curse buy tickets to my tour in the meantime that would be lovely oh yes Adam's on tour Adam's on tour go on his Instagram and find Adam Hess

Instagram's something like that and Soho Theatre April and May correct oh thanks man yeah I forgot about that

cheers so okay bye bye everyone