BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 53 - ANNIVERSARY POD! Part 2. Feat. Adam Hess

Episode Date: March 11, 2020

Pierre Novellie and Phil Wang return with Adam Hess for part 2 of the Mega Pod! Smug Actually, Corona Virus – how physical are bugs? Phil saw a bunch of drunks riding horses. An INCREDIBLE GIFT from Number Weapon Matt! Adam joins in with some correspondence. ME BUM TOO. A G’Morning update. The Christmas Uncle and teacher poo. Adam’s ensuite showers and midnight poos. Is wood food? Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

uh we've done so much talking without mentioning the fact that there's a big pandemic and everyone should be afraid and buy toilet roll or whatever it's not a pandemic yet it only has i've i've i've i don't remember the last time i've listened to so much radio and podcasts about one subject have you been engaging with it that much yeah yeah really i know so much about coronavirus i've been ignoring it really i don't care i remember swine flu and sars it's i mean it is probably going to be fine There's an interesting article read yesterday that said we're basically all probably going to get it Yeah, I have it now, but it has such a low fatality rate

Yeah That you could you could just be carrying it around going about your business and neither know it and give it to someone to kill So why do so what was it saying this article said we're probably all gonna get it well probably i mean the the reason coronavirus is a successful virus is that it can be asymptomatic sort of the the the counterintuitive thing is that a virus that kills you terribly quickly is a bad virus yeah like ebola was easy to contain because someone would start going, and everyone would go, and they just put a dome on them.

But now... Put a dome on them. I didn't go to one of your fancy medical schools, but I do believe they put a dome on you. But now it either just feels like a normal flu, or you don't feel it at all, or it's a serious case and you die. But it's like between 1% and percent mortality rate yes sars was 60 percent apparently i think the mortality rate of coronaviruses is radio 4 saying it's like

a little bit higher than normal flu you see this. I mean, the thing is, seasonal flu will kill more people this year than coronavirus. Yeah, so will cars. So I don't know. If you know when you hear people say, actually, normal flu is a bigger killer, I don't know what my stance is on this. Yeah. Because I take all of my opinions from other people.

Yes. And I don't know if i should be taking that if that opinion is actually of smug contrarians or the correct people or the clever people you mean like do you pick clever mainstream or smug actually yeah yeah yeah so i i like to go for what like mix it up well i i don't want to be the wanker who's just saying that just because that's the... When people say, actually, it's good to have plastic on vegetables because that is actually better for the environment because that stops them getting damaged.

There's less food waste. And I'm like, is that correct? Or is that just a smug actually? But a smug actually is good proof that you can look at anything, any number of ways. Your honour. smug actually is good proof that you can look at anything any number of ways yeah but i completely flipped between being scared of coronavirus and going what is everyone worrying about most of the time i'm like it's absolutely nothing but then early today i was like oh god my head's quite hot i've got a headache and then I realised I had half a bottle of wine last night

That might be it By the way, this would be so embarrassing If this is released once everyone's dead Or like everyone's free Imagine the number of listens though Seven, but as a proportion Do you not feel Of the living

80% of the wasteland listens to the bud pod that's advertised tinned tuna that we've all got stored up i i feel if um i and i don't know if this is a lame thing to say but like whenever i'm hearing on the news like i've been told it's something to worry about it's a mixture between someone saying in a horror movie i'm sure everything's gonna be all right I'm just going to open this door. Like that. Or you know when they say, well, hey there, little fella. And that thing

eats its face. And they go, what kind of dinosaur are you? You wouldn't hurt a fly. You know, it was like the montage at the beginning of a disaster film. When they show the news clips. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like

oh my gosh but like yeah but then today there was one there's a bit this is honestly how i reacted there's a bit on the news like um uh new cases in china have slowed and my eyes went oh that's that's the kind of news clip they play at the end of the film when everything's okay yeah because that is what they flashed it's like cases new cases have started to slow down and and like the hero is like packing up and yeah go home and is that a rainbow that we see yeah so i'm like oh maybe it's the end of the film already they're getting choppered out by a grateful president yeah yeah well doctor would you like to come for the feast at the White House or whatever, the big dinner? He's like, no, I'd like to just go back to my humble farm.

No, I've got dinner waiting for me at home. Yeah. It would be a callback. I've got a bowl of beans to eat. And then they go, ah, because he always said, when we get out of this alive, I'm going to have the biggest bowl of beans I've ever seen in my life. Or the cure was in beans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to have the biggest bowl of beans I've ever seen in my life. Or the cure was in beans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think also with them, I bet what's going to happen is it will be quite a big deal. Yeah. But the news will run out of ways to talk about it. So they'll just stop reporting on it. And then in four months, they'll go, breaking news, there's a vaccine that's been invented. And we go, oh, yeah.

Like, we won't notice these. We don't see it. So it's the news that is either pumping the fear or just allowing it to quash. It's only a few times I've been disappointed with BBC News, the number of notifications that come up on my phone about coronavirus. I just go, oh, come on, guys, stop it. What?

Another man. It's like, it needs to be a whole school Yeah yeah And also they're not telling us who is getting it Someone's been quarantined Every time I see a man has been Fallen seriously ill I just want to go how old How old was he

Tell me whether or not to be worried Because if he's fucking old I don't care Yeah if they're just like And former team GB Olympian, the 29 year old You go, oh no, no, no It's going to kick my ass if it's taking this fucking guy down That guy had those shoulder muscles Oh, is that the guy that licks

Subway handrails? And Dirty Terry Of Swindon Town Has been struck down after another day Of, well, he's a local figure of note Licking balconies And the handrails on buses Has been struck down after another day of, well, he's a local figure of note, licking balconies and the handrails on buses. Lovely way to just get the nation washing their hands again.

Yeah. Lovely way. We're washing our hands. Finally. And washing them for long enough. Well, we're not. But we're chatting about that. Just washing your hands. But that doesn't kill viruses.

It washes them off, though. So this is why I've never figured out about viruses and bugs. The sinks are getting very ill How physical are bugs? How physical is a virus? How physical? How big? How much is it on me?

If I was good enough at pinching, could I pinch on a... Yes, I think you could Honestly They can manipulate them with tools under a microscope Yeah Yeah, but not with fingernails He said good enough Okay bacteria maybe

But viruses Viruses are like tiny Tiny bits of Like mechano Are they that much smaller than bacteria They can get inside atoms How small It can infect metal

Yeah it's got like a stick smaller than bacteria. They can get inside atoms. How small are they? They can infect metal. No, come on. Yeah, it's got like a stick, which is like a proboscis and a head. That's it, isn't it? Yeah. Feet. Yeah. Like a moon lander. They're a tiny little moon lander. That's right. And I think we can blow them off, can't we? When food hits the floor, just blow it off.

Yeah. So maybe it's blowing. Well, Barryman, they spread through contact, so they're on you you They're not a ghost They're not billowing across people Unless you cough onto someone So maybe What's the opposite of coughing? That's the cure

You suck everyone Hiccups Yeah hiccups That would be great The cure is making someone laugh loads So they get the hiccups Imagine if you followed someone's life From birth to death

And hiccups and coughs were You hiccup the exact number of times you coughed Perfect harmony Imagine if you followed someone's life from birth to death and hiccups and coughs were... Oh, cancer. You hiccup the exact number of times you cough. Perfect harmony. Yeah. If you shut out, you're... So if someone hiccups loads as a kid, it's like, you're going to be fucking ill later.

I've always wondered, like, things like hiccups. I sometimes think to myself, I bet, gun to my head, if someone said, how many times do you sneeze a year? You've got to be quite accurate or I'll kill you. Well, plus minus 5%. It could be 20 times a year or a thousand. I have no idea.

Do I do a sneeze a day or is it 20 a day? I don't know. That's like one of those questions they ask you when you're doing an interview for a really high up recruitment consultancy firm. Where they don't care about the answer. They want to watch you try and work it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're like, right, I don't think I sneeze every day. But then hay fever, maybe I sneeze.

Oh, yeah. So then how long is summer in the UK? It's this many days. You could get a ballpark figure. Plus a colder year. Yeah. A heavy colder year. Also, I started to induce sneezes when I got quite good at them.

What? Yeah, they feel good. Come on. Just hands free. Not like zero to sneeze. If I feel one brewing, instead of repressing it, I'd be like, hit me. Okay. And I'm like, I'm going to make the most of this.

It's going to feel great. So I'm getting a few more nowadays than I used to years ago but I don't have a clue how much hiccups I've not had hiccups in years which is sad that is sad

I'm very sorry to hear that maybe that is the cure maybe that's the cure there was a pope who died of hiccups his cause of death was written down as hiccups the pope that's when you know

it was paedophilia and you had to come up with something cute. What happened to Pope Busyfingers? Oh, he hiccuped himself to death. Oh, the hiccuping was so annoying. He put a pillow over his face. I mean, he would.

But people died of that. It's like I laughed to death because he saw a drunk donkey. Was that Ptolemy or someone? That was a philosopher, yeah. I think so. It was a drunk donkey trying to eat berries off a tree. It sounds good.

Great. I love that. I saw some drunk people riding horses. I was in a village near Andover. That sounds so dangerous. I walked outside and there were horses. And there were people wearing proper riding gear there were like horses and there were people like wearing proper riding gear. Like they were show jumpers.

Yeah. And one of them was like, hi. And I went into my room and I came back out and they were still there. And he went, hi. I said, why are these horse people so friendly? And there were three horses. I was like, how's it going? You riding horses today?

And they're like, yeah, you could say that and there's a third person there's a third horse with the only two ladies there's like where's your third rider and almost like it was in a movie yeah burst out the pub door and he was also wearing top to tell like black those horse riding hats yeah they're like baseball caps, but it looks harder. And like the big, the old sort of... Jodhpurs. Yeah, yeah, like he's in a period drama. Yep. And then they were pissed, and they got on these horses.

Oh, my God. Yeah. And they were like, and even the horses were like, whoa, hey, come on now. Like the horses started walking on top of each other, and they weren't supposed to. It looked like they were clipping in a game. I don't ride horses a lot, but I don't think horses are supposed to be that close to each other or that angle to each other.

And they just started clip-clopping away. Pissed. It makes you wonder what's more dangerous, a drunk person riding a horse or a sober person riding a drunk horse? Or any car. Yeah, I guess. Because at least... Or any car. Yeah, I guess the sober horse driver

can, well, I mean, drive it, yeah, what would be more dangerous? Yeah, I was thinking how, yeah, how much, I guess this is where we find out how much control the horse has. Yeah.

Yeah, the horse-human equilibrium, I think we call it. And the horse wants to go home as well. Horse wants carrot. Horse wants carrot. Remember that. Never forget that. But the horse also gets carrot at home well. Horse wants carrot. Horse wants carrot. Remember that. Never forget that. But the horse also gets carrots at home.

And it knows where its home is. There's cases of people who get wounded or knocked out and the horse just walks with them on their back back to the stable. Because they're like, oh, that guy's fucking out. Well, now I'm going to go home where I get all my food and pets. Oh, this guy needs carrots.

Yeah, this guy needs carrots, I'm pretty sure. Or if I take this guy back, maybe he'll give me carrots like you've never seen Horses are ridiculous I never get over Let me see a cop on a horse I'm terrified What is this World War 1? Get off that

You hear it's so loud And it sounds coarse on the road You hear their metal legs or whatever Back back back and i just i i find them so they're beautiful but then they wear their little little cop outfits and stuff like that i'm amazed by how often this country only turns against football hooligans after they punch a horse in the face and i'm amazed at how often that's happened when there's footage of like a policeman's eyeball out with their mouth and bite it off at the stem yeah like are these fun loving louts yeah and they punch one

horse in the face they punch horses yeah google search football police horse punch in face really it seems like every few months a man with no neck who's got a big bald fat red head punches a horse in the face in the name of a team I've never heard of where the crest is a tower on a river with an eagle on it. Do those men like football because they look like one? They came out like that and went, My kind. I'm a ball.

A rage. I wonder, horses are just vulnerable to attack from the front. Because I've never seen a horse punch someone. It's always a back kick They bite though Oh do they bite? They bite yeah You can train

They used to train horses to stamp people's skulls In with their front hooves Like an actual war horse They were trained to be super aggressive And to just trample people They'd have dummies with coconut heads And they'd get a horse and be like, come on now.

That coconut's full of carrots. Oh yeah, you're full of coconut and carrots. Sort of a piñata, but a bloke. Yeah. Wow. I don't know. But they would train them to... And they would fire cannons around them

to make them used to that. Oh no. That's funny. That's badass, actually. It is badass. Cannon horse. We now return to the headed singer. I'm afraid that wasn't good enough.

You've been selected to have your head removed. That was the headed singer. I've been selected to have your head removed. What's the head to say? We have a gift, Phil. Oh! We have a gift. I know, for podcasting. For our one year long anniversary. Oh.

And it's from Number Weapon Matt Oh my days, this is actually from a fan He has carved this using lasers in a craft workshop. Oh my god. And it says always remember to Koji, and there's an enormous

there's a sort of penis. That's definitely a big penis And then there's me above the penis there, like from a press shot he found And there's you under the penis with your hands on your face if you look yes that's my twitter um profile yeah yeah oh yeah that's your old you look chinese there i i i yeah i've accidentally ended up looking offensive there though but it's very good um who's and there's a beautiful like cursively inscribed message in the back from Number Weapon Matt. Oh, Number Weapon Matt. Yeah.

The penis he's done is really sort of art deco. Yeah, it's like the kind of penis that would be on a wall behind Poirot as he solves a mystery. It's very beautiful. It's quite funny to see calligraphy that's been written by a laser. Calligraphy is written exclusively by the softest thing in the world. Feathers. Or the most destructive thing. Or the most primitive and the most advanced.

Exactly. A feather from an actual bird. Or a laser. It's never with a sharpie, is it? Which is in the middle. That's great. Happy first Budpod day. This is inscribed on the back with a light pen.

A pen of light. I hope you enjoy the Bud Pod theme tat. Lovely. Keep up the good work. Okay, thank you. Koji, founding father, number weapon Matt. I mean, there's a lot of references there. It's a lovely piece of work.

It's a first bit of physical correspondence. And a beautiful artifact. Yes, thank you so much, Matt. Thank you, Matt. You're an absolute legend. The founding father, most like a carpenter most like christ i guess the question now is how do pierre and i split it do i get on the weekends i i think do you start down the middle like it's well you you are a bigger fan of tat than me and uh i colluded with matt and i got updates while he was making oh is that true yeah i kept it secret from you like a secret boy.

So I think you get to have... Oh my god. Also, you host more dinner parties than I do. That's true. So it would amuse me, the idea that that has to be in your living room. People go, Phil, is that a wooden laser representation of your face near an erect penis and the instruction to masturbate through acronyms? Which one?

Yeah. Also, shout out to the Bud Pod fan with the Koji sign at the Hen and Chicken in Bristol at the Comedy Box. Ah, yeah. A Pod Bud was in the audience and had written Koji on a little sign and waggled it.

Like you were a wrestler? Yeah, like I was a wrestler who was going to start jacking it off. At what point did they hold it up? Was that every time we did a good joke? No, they saved it to the end as I was leaving the stage it off. At what point did they hold it up? Was it like every time we did a good joke, they were like, No, no, no, no. They saved it to the end as I was leaving the stage. So as I walked past them to get off the stage,

they quickly went, and I went, So it was above your head. Listen, he wasn't opening a breast pocket in a trench coat. Like, hey, you want to keep jacking it? No. No, it was a lady. It was a lady with it in a,

it wasn't laminated. It was in a plastic pouch. Plastic wallet sleeve? Yeah, like from a file. Lovely, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, Number Weapon Matt. Thank you so much, Number Weapon Matt.

We should probably get on some soft correspondence. Some soft correspondence. I don't mind your correspondence. If you would like to join in Yes let's get some up here Last week Had a high bar to set

So this is weird We were going to ask Adam on the podcast And then before I texted him Adam apropos of nothing Texted me Saying how great last week's response was Oh did you? Oh yeah I just texted randomly saying

I love your podcast and then I was like funnily enough we were just about to come on oh my god big fan guys, big fan, lovely to finally meet you we're very different aren't we the story from last week I've got messages

about it people that have changed their lives story the woman who shat her own pussy let let's not mince words here beautiful oh that's why i got in touch to say how great i thought that was as well yeah and you said how what what uh what a great indication of a podcast quality is um the writing the quality of writing of its listeners. Yeah. Which I think is spot on. If your people were writing in saying, me bum too.

We get those as well. We just don't read them out. We do. Yeah. We do get those. It's not going to be the new cat thing people email you. Me bum too. Me bum too Me bomb too

You like me Me like you Me bomb a stick Me bomb a stick But it was very well Very well put together that It was beautiful The suspense

There were definitely There were drafts There were drafts Yeah It was composed like a Mozart A sonata This is what I love about When people who apparently

Dictated letters back in the day and they were very articulate. Like, anyone is able to dictate a pure letter like free thinking and not drive someone

Oh, wow. mental. That's like something Sherlock Holmes would do. Yeah. I beautifully crafted a letter. Yeah.

So, we've got some disgusting story. We've got an update here from Holly. Holly. Just from Holly. Holly... Just from Holly.

Holly! And we're going to say her full name. Okay. You know, give her anonymity. Sure. Update from Holly on Lin-Manuel Miranda. Oh, gosh, yeah. We've been Lin-Manuel Miranda.

His Twitter. Oh, yeah? Have you ever seen it? Never. It's insufferable. It's the twee-est thing in the world. It's absolutely... Hey, come see my play.

Is it like... It's so much worse than that. It's just a Facebook event. In Hamilton, London. A lot of people clicking maybe on the play. My little known play. Hello, Pierre and Phil and Adam. Hi.

Good morning. Yeah, so then Manuel Miranda starts every tweet with good morning. G apostrophe morning. Good morning. Good morning, G apostrophe morning. Good morning. Good morning, sweet children. That kind of thing. It's very like, oh, don't let your dreams leave your head too quickly. You might leave dream rash on your imagination gland.

It's all very like kissy, kissy, horrible. Good morning from Canberra. Canberra. Canberra. I love Canberra. Did you go to Canberra when you were in 12th grade? Never been to Canberra. The capital.

It's capital. It's in the middle of nowhere, and I thought it was really chill and really fun. But I can imagine after a couple of weeks, it gets pretty boring. Yeah, it doesn't seem like Funtown, USA. No. It's Funtown, Australia. It's Funtown, Australia. Did we even notice Lin-Manuel... I saw this tweet from Lin-Manuel Miranda and thought, what better Christmas gift for the pod buds?

It's still around Christmas, this correspondence. We need to fucking... Did we even notice he'd stopped tweeting his terrible or beautiful poetry? What did he think would happen if he stopped wishing us good morning? So, Merry Christmas to you both. Yeah, my God. All right, let's have a look at this. What's he tweeted?

At the top of December, I stopped doing the good morning, good nights. Oh, maybe we got to him. Maybe he listens to the podcast. Just dot, dot, maybe maybe just dot dot dot just dot dot dot to see what would happen i breathed easier i got a big chunk of time back in my mornings how much time did it take you to write this horseshit oh my god we didn't ask you to do it and giving it up was good prep for what's next. My New Year's resolution for 2020 is tweet less, create more. Oh, wow.

Not quitting the app. A sigh of relief. This is one tweet. No, two tweets. Just taking several steps back. Not one step, but several. Less than ten. Okay.

Doubling down on my work. Handing the password to the missus. The missus. Is that what they mean by unpaid female labour? Lin-Manuel Miranda's poor fucking wife having to ration his shitty tweets. Emotional labour, right? That's what they talk about. God, he's awful.

Whenever I hear a grown-up announcing they're coming back on a social media thing, it's as if I'm going up to them and saying, guys, I'm going to stop playing with jangling keys. It's not a big... I'm going to give up getting my mum's dangle keys in front of me while I just clap and smack myself in the head. It's not a big deal. Just come off Facebook.

It's a fucking nothing guys no more lollipops yeah exactly I'm not watching teddy tubbies again today it's been a week and I've got a think piece coming out about it

actually I've got more time to myself and I found out I was actually giving less for shit about tubby custard in the end it doesn't matter

guys I've decided to finally stop having Haribo for breakfast yeah it's been really difficult and hopefully one day you two will also be able finally stop having Haribo for breakfast. It's been really difficult, and hopefully one day you two will also be able to stop having Haribo tank plastics. I've handed all the Haribo to my wife.

I prefer the things that we are actually addicted to, like pesto. I can't go without that. I haven't had pesto. Pesto used to be my life, and I haven't had pesto I can't go without that I haven't had pesto pesto used to be my life and I haven't had pesto in ages I genuinely forgot about it

because it was exotic to like when you're poor this is exotic because it's a bit new it's like internet pesto and then

it comes out of a jar but it doesn't look like it's come out of a jar exactly and it keeps and it's like a proper meal it is and it makes anything feel like i've been in a restaurant and uh it's dependent on that it's got more than three ingredients yeah exactly now

that now we're talking um so i'm just trying to find some more so are you sifting through me me bum too oh there's a lot of me bum too. And there's lots of just like, just spam. Probably because they, probably web crawlers can tell that we've put the email in the description of the podcast. Oh, wow. So there's lots of just like weird stuff where you go, that looks like interesting correspondence. And it's just like, do you need enough Viagra? I'm from Nigeria. I have all this gold.

I'm getting a lot of emails, people saying, do you want to be better on Instagram? Really? Get some money. I'm getting a lot of emails um people saying do you want to be better on instagram really some money i'm getting a lot of facebook messages really saying we do you want us to advertise your page that you haven't been on in five years yeah yeah and like where they're getting oh that's a message to your facebook not your email address oh sorry that's from facebook oh right you're right i get email addresses email addresses. Email, I don't really understand. Maybe I've probably opted in for that. But it's just like, I click on their website. I recommend Chinaboy69.com

if you want to get stuff sent to you. Here's a bit of a mystery piece of correspondence. Okay. Olivia gets in touch. Hi Olivia. Hey PNP, two P's in a pod the p boys uh good good stuff i just started listening recently so she says i'm on episode eight right now oh i can safely say i

never ever want to hear phil wang say the word dirty ever again it's barely it's barely tolerable from pierre she says did we say dirty all the time but from phil no thank you i'm certain you will continue to you will continue to allow this But Jesus Christ What is that about? Is that the church of dirty little boys and girls? Of course I thought that was going to be a big thing

The church of dirty little boys and girls And I gave up or forgot about it straight away Immediately Within a week we were like No we're not going to do that We were talking about How like Saucy

A lot of church languages If you just translate it Go on Forgive me father For I have sinned Daddy I've been bad No that's how we're trying But that's

No but Daddy punish me That's fine It's dirtiness That's infected you But that's what sin is Yeah Sin is dirtiness

You've been dirty So daddy's gonna spank you He's gonna spank your soul Yeah I've sinned I want to send you to my dungeon underground Yeah I've sinned myself He's gonna whip you and it's really hot down there So no one has clothes on You're saying I've had unpure thoughts

I've sinned myself I'm very uncomfortable Knowing that she's emailing from the past. Yeah, it feels weird. And she's going to hear this way in the future. It feels like Looper. I feel like I'm in Looper. Am I saying Looper weird? That's another one for her to pick up on.

You're saying it. Looper dirty. You're a dirty Looper. You're saying it... Looper dirty. You're saying... Looper. You're a dirty Looper. You're saying it in a more... When your accent changes when you talk to your dad. Yes, it's from Malaysian. Are we in Looper? Looper.

Are we in Looper? Almost saying it like Oompa Loompa. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oompa Loompa. Oompa Loompa. Amy gets in touch. Amy. Never the samey.

Let's see. This is... Oh, that the samey Let's see this That was good Hey Tweedlebum and Tweedlepee That's good That's really good That's good My husband and I Are big Founding Farta fans

Of your podcast Whenever someone says My wife or my husband Is like Why are you listening To this podcast You're 45 Or whatever

You have a relationship do you think they listen to it like looking at each other's faces just like the phones in the middle of the table like how do you listen to it together well you're just making a full sunday roast just chuckling away my husband and I are big founding father

fans of your podcast thank you for keeping our marriage poopy that's why we do for keeping our marriage poopy. That's why we do it. Keep these marriages poopy. Family that poops together. Scoops together. You mentioned the word gift in your Christmas episodes which reminded me of something a colleague once told me. I was working in a team split

Gift or gift? Gift. As in present. Right, okay, yeah. I was working in a team split between London and Barcelona. My manager was a middle-aged Catalan man whose English was not always was working in a team split between London and Barcelona. My manager was a middle-aged Catalan man whose English was not always the best, in a very endearing and humorous way. We worked with pretty demanding clients and

colleagues who would try and pass the blame, or get you to do their work for them. Whenever this happened, my manager would mutter that they had given us another gift. At first I thought he was being sarcastic, but after a few times, he started saying they'd given us another gift. At first I thought he was being sarcastic, but after a few times, he started saying they'd given us brown gifts. So I asked him what he meant.

He explained that in Catalonia, they have a Christmas character called Tio de Nadal, the Christmas uncle. Or... Oh my God! Oh my God! Or... Oh my god! Oh my god! Or... Oh my god! The Christmas Uncle or Kagatio...

I hate him. I hate him so much. I can imagine the way his body moves. He's like... His fingers are all wiggly. He's like... The Christmas Uncle or Kagatioillo, the pooping uncle. Oh, God. You keep Cagatillo in your home during Advent and you must feed him every day in the run-up to Christmas

in the hope that on Christmas Day, when your kids sing the Tio de Nadal song and beat him with a stick, he will poop out gifts. I have one. I'm going to beat the shit out of you and I'm going to enjoy it. I have one. I have... I'm going to beat the shit out of you, and I'm going to enjoy it. I have a Christmas uncle at home. Do you? Love Island's Ian Sterling bought one for me when he was in Spain.

Really? And it's a Batman one, so I've got a pooping Batman. You have a shitting Uncle Batman? Yeah. The thing is, normally what I get with... Shitting Uncle Batman. These sort of folkloric characters we create, it really helps the story if you can legitimately dress up and embody them.

Like Santa, you're just putting on a red suit and this, and you just give out, here's a present. You've got to shit yourself. Yeah. How is someone dressing up as that? And then you hit him with a stick and then he shits. And then he goes, oh, it's coming. And it's like reach into

my ass and they pull out like a barbie and and then he's like oh that's fucking great yeah so is uncle christmas a christmas uncle the christmas uncle uh she says the christmas uncle yeah that would be a good adam sandler film right So she says, if you Google him, you'll see he's quite adorable. Cagatillo could be a festive bird pod mascot. Absolutely. Of course. How could we miss Cagatillo? Yeah, Cagatillo.

I have a second farty tale for you, she says. Oh, great. A few years ago, my husband, boyfriend at the time, and I were both teaching science in the same secondary school. Yes, it's as horrible as everyone says. That's hot. That's good. I had a real crush on in the same secondary school. Yes, it's as horrible as everyone says. That's good. I had a real crush on my physics teacher at school. Is that why you did engineering? It's just sexy.

She's going, objects collide. The momentum and the acceleration. How bad would it be if this is actually your physics teacher? Wow. There was one really stinky boy in the class. He kept being poopy. Every time I walked into a room, he would emanate arse.

To get to the staff toilets from the science department, you had to scuttle across the main entrance hall. The school was pretty modern, so all the classrooms had windows instead of walls. Everyone had a pretty good idea of what you were... Yeah, I know. I imagine them open open windows when you build in the sims instead of walls i think i think she means like a glass i think she means like when you walk through the corridor you can see into classrooms oh okay maybe horrible house yeah the school was

pretty modern so all the classrooms had windows Instead of walls Everyone had a pretty good idea what you were up to When you were heading over there So they can see you One day in a free period I felt the urge to void my bowels So I trotted over There were three separate unisex cubicles Slash rooms in the staff toilets

And many many staff So you would often cross paths with colleagues on the way out Only to be hit in the face with their poop stench As they avoided eye contact and many, many staff. So you would often cross paths with colleagues on the way out, only to be hit in the face with their poop stench, as they avoided eye contact. Anyway... Well, better that than just stare you down. Then stare you down and went, yeah, breathe it in.

Yeah, that was me. You know what that's the smell of? That's the smell of the history department. Beat that. Beat that. Yeah, beat that. Do your worst. Anyway, I went into one cubicle

and completed my big brown experiment. This grand experiment of ours. Bees united. It's alive! This daily task. Recording, measuring. But then to my horror, there was no toilet roll. Nothing else to wipe with.

So I measured messaged my husband who was in the middle of teaching year nine to explain my situation that's great that's that's where having a partner at work really comes yeah that's in their vows in sickness and in health become a teacher work with me in poopy and win and in clean as he is an absolute hero he abandoned year nine briefly to run over grab grab some loo roll out of another cubicle, and pass it to me. I have to go. My wife's covered in shit. You know her. She also teaches

science. Good day! Tell no one. As the cubicles were more like actual rooms, I had to lean forwards off the loo to unlock the door to retrieve the paper. So these are like closed in, not cubicles. At that point, another science teacher came in to do his business and caught us mid-toilet paper relay handover.

Luckily, he gave us a knowing nod and silently carried on into his own cubicle. Well, so you'd rather that your colleague thought you were fucking your husband in the toilet than that you'd done a shit. Well, I like the knowing nod that is so significant with something as simple as There was no loo roll He's nodding like

I too have been there Little did you know you had A kindred spirit in me It's not that big a deal It's like someone's just eating lunch And a knowing nod Trying to not die Your secret's safe with me

I've dabbled in lunch myself When I was younger Never inhaled though This story was a large part of me saying yes When my husband later proposed He was willing to abandon the education of 30 children To help me wipe my bottom So I figured he's a keeper

Thank you for your excellent poop cast Please keep squeezing them out for years to bum. Also, if you do read this out, please remind my husband, Josh, to send you his poop story he keeps forgetting. Koji, Amy. Thank you, Amy. That was a good one.

Yeah, that's a really endearing story. That's when you know something's going to work out in the long run. Because you're most vulnerable when you're just doing that. And least attractive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm unable to acknowledge to anyone I'm romantically involved with that I have an anus. Right.

Yeah, and I'm just like, I'm going to the bath. They must think I've either got a mistress or a drug problem, the amount that I just vanish. I vanish for 20 minutes at a time, come back sweating. And I'm like, we know what's happened. And I'm like, what did he do? And I'm like, minutes at a time Come back sweating And I'm like We know what's happened And I'm like What did he do? And I'm like

I had a meeting Did you You stink man Meeting I had a meeting I'm just so ashamed Yeah but so if you can bond over that That's great

That's a keeper That's an unbreakable bond Oh I hear rumours That's an unbreakable bond Oh I hear rumours that the Duke has banned All trousers from within the walls Of his palace Only for summer of course Even his perversions know the limits of winter

Sir please This is a walking tour And a private walking tour at that If you could leave the zoo as quickly as possible. And please turn off that tape deck, it's disturbing the animals. Sorry! Full of the joys of spring, you know. I had a girlfriend who shared an en suite,

and I would just pretend I was having a shower at 5am, Shed an en suite And I Just Pretend I was having a shower At 5am Just to turn the Noise Because that would make A noise Because you didn't want to

I didn't want to make a noise Well what noise Oh you were trying to Oh right cover the noise I would turn the shower on Oh And was too So like he's just having

His third shower That's okay Well he's not doing his shit He's just come back From a murder Yeah but I would be I'd wake up, need a shit at 5am,

and be like, I've just got to do that. I can't have the person I love wake up to Oh God. You don't want them to be roused by it. I've never had a midnight poo, I don't think. Really?

It is harrowing. One minute you're from dreaming like you're the mayor of a fun fair, and then next you have to be in the dark doing the dirtiest thing. Something so dirty that we famously lock ourselves away to... It's the only thing we lock ourselves away to do.

Oh yeah, in the dark. No. And it doesn't even... No one was there. It doesn't even happen to you it makes you try yeah oh no that was a great a minute ago all right so we'll do one last thing from lauren uh lauren lauren where's she going nice she's here with us she's here with us dear pp poopoo okay some sometimes a simple one and Poo Poo. Sorry. Allocate as desired. Which one do you want? I'll take

PP. Okay. I'll be Poo Poo. I think this has been the way. I'll take Poo Poo. I think last time a similar one was I was P. Okay. I don't think it's going to come up again. General introductory guff. She's got subheadings. She's organized. Oh wow. Look at that. Thanks for reading

out my previous two emails. We've heard from Lauren twice before. I assume there would be some sort of filter, but I guess you read out any old crap. So I thought I'd make another bid pod. Okay, nice. For a podcast where the email very nice. Well, you're still upping your game. We do read them all out, but that doesn't mean you aren't trying to improve. Most authoritarian thought.

Oh, yeah. Most authoritarian, least authoritarian. Anyone found to have put rubbish in the wrong type of bin must spend one day per item sorting rubbish in the recycling plant or landfill. God, don't throw rice away or, like, some sand. My God.

She's, yeah, my God. I threw away a bag of atoms and I live here now. Fucking hell. Or in the case of corporate misdemeanor, allocate the day's labor of one employee. Okay, fair enough. I'll add a caveat to letter for people who can't recycle properly for some valid reason I can't think of, so I don't get cancelled.

Cancellation insurance, always very important. This does not apply to recyclable rubbish put in a general waste bin. This is because often the best thing to do if you don't know if it's recyclable or not is to put it in the rubbish rather than contaminate the recycling. Yes, I've heard this. But don't know if it's recyclable or not, is to put it in the rubbish rather than contaminate the recycling. Yes, I've heard this. But don't they all separate?

My recycling is a mixed bag. Don't they separate it at the plant anyway? It depends on the plant, apparently. You have to look up your local plant's rules, and it's a nightmare. I spend a lot of time, she says, incandescent with rage, seeing food packaging in the food waste bin. Do these fuckwits

think that because something has food in it, it has become food and can be composted as such? Hey, anything's food if you're committed. That's true. You can eat a tank. If so, why aren't they walking around town chowing down on sandwich wrappers and tin cans?

The bricks? That's a good point. I've never seen that, I must say. Someone eating lots of cans in the box. No, I've never seen that, I must say. Someone eating lots of cans in the... No, I've never seen a box mistaken for food in those things. I've never gone around looking into other people's

food waste bins. I think people get confused around paper containers, which I understand, because paper's almost food. Because it's almost wood, which is almost vegetables. So it's almost food. It really's almost wood, which is almost vegetables. So it's almost food. It really can rot on your watch, paper. Yes, a lot of fruit grows out of bits of wood.

So it's hard to read. And often the fruit has little bits of wood hiding in the centre. Exactly. But when I see a bin full of food waste and there's one plastic straw in it, I just go, there's something gross about it. It's like the Dolmio puppets eating real spaghetti.

Can you imagine trying to get the red, you can't get the red from bolognese out of Tupperware, never mind a puppet's felt mouth. Do you think they've got like, they put pipe through it? It's just nothing. There's no hole, is there, in those puppets? They just stink of rotting beef.

Yeah, sad, isn't it? They never eat it. It's like a curse. They're like in a Greek myth. You have to make Dolmio and smell it that you can never eat. Your Dolmio day is every day. Most libertarian thought, honestly couldn't think of one. I'm just a closet authoritarian.

I think I'm starting to find that about myself. There you go. Thanks for reading. Sorry to hear about your relationship ending, Pierre. I hope you're not feeling too bad pod Ah sweet That's funny Brittany Runs a Marathon is now on Amazon Video

I may watch it Oh this is that Awful film on the tube There was a poster for a film that looked like A joke movie from 30 Rock Which was that girl Holding a glass of red wine and some trainers.

And it was like, Joanne runs a marathon or something like that. And it was called Brittany Runs a Marathon. She likes to party, but she also has shoes. And now she has to run. Lauren is the one who says, now I'm going to go

back to bed pot. You'd really think they'd make that pun a pun. She has to run. Lauren is the one who says, now I'm going to go back to bed pot. Ah, yes. You'd really think they'd make that pun, a pun. Like, we don't know who Britney is. You'd think it'd be like the last leg. Well, no, not that. But like the pun. What would it be?

It would be running for your... Marathon. Her name's Mary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even that's better. Yeah, yeah. Of course. But good will hunting.

His name's Will Hunting I guess this works like it's they could do a retrospective like run the run I mean the thing is

the film's been made it was called Run Fat Boy Run yeah the film's been made yeah yeah yeah my favourite film

yes famously he talks about this you just love how eventually he does run he how Eventually he does run He does run He does run And he's less fat

It's weird that they Run fat boy run And he's like not fat He's not He's like Simon Pegg He's just a normal man Just a guy A guy who looks like

A lot of like Committed runners Actually do The kind of runners That don't That look so normal They make me go Oh well there's no point running

Yeah There's no point doing any exercise. That's what I think about, like, when these films where you manage to suspend your disbelief, like,

you know, when, um, you see an American film with people playing soccer in it and they've hired people who couldn't act but not play soccer

and they're just like, well, this is ridiculous. Like, I can't suspend my disbelief because he's, he's meant to be the, the captain of the Hollywood Jets

who we're all scared of. And you're watching him play football and you go, no. And you're told he's suspended. To me, it's as lame as if you're watching Black Swan and you go, she's the best ballerina in the world. And she comes on. And people have a single tear. Yeah.

Such grace. You're flap it around Or like A film about the world's tallest man And they just hire anyone To play it It's just like Whenever there's a character in a movie

Who's supposed to be a stand-up Yeah And it's always like Your nan's idea Of what a stand-up would be like They've got a checked suit Yeah, yeah, yeah And they're really mean

And they have a cigar or something I auditioned for the role of a stand-up comedian for a sitcom and it was just puns. I had to say loads of puns, but it was like a really bad, angry comedian. It was like slamming everyone. So they were like,

yeah, you know, like Bill Hicks and Jimmy Carr. Puns. Yeah. They just mushed it all into this mad block. Yeah, very weird. Sorry, I hijacked the No no that's kind of it We've hit the full mark We've done it We've done an absolute anniversary

One year anniversary Megapod Feet Adam Hess Thank you so much for having me Thank you for coming to our birthday Pod team Adam is the only one turned up Yeah these hats are quite nice That's why I like it

I think any less than Five people party hats are depressing I don't know what the Critical mass is for party hats Although to be fair if someone said You have to fight these guys and it was just two men in suits But they both had party hats You'd go oh no

What is this Yeah that'd be pretty scary two men in suits but they both had parties. You go, oh no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is this? Yeah, that'd be pretty scary. Maybe that'd be a good thing to always wear a, maybe always wear a birthday badge so no one can be

a dick to you ever. And they have to give you a seat on the train. Yeah, exactly, exactly, yeah. It's my birthday. So yeah. Give me that fucking shit. If you litter,

someone can't like do you for it. It's like, well, come on. Come on. I think that's good. I'm four today. Yeah. It's like, well, come on. Come on. I think that's good. I'm four today. Yeah.

You're also allowed to pee in a policeman's helmet. Oh, yeah, that's true. That is true. I've heard about that. That's true. Well, yeah, thank you very much, Fab. Thanks, man. You got to plug stuff.

Surely. I'm doing a stand-up comedy tour. Basically, everything you've heard today will be in that. No, it's my normal stand-up tour. We've just been doing Adam's The show is called My Grandad Has a Fringe. But

people genuinely then get disappointed when that isn't actually mentioned that much. Really? They think it's a heartbreaking true life story. They come up to you afterwards and they go, what about your grandfather's head? I assume they're taking their piss when they ask them, but a lot of people...

And that's when I realised I was my grandad. Yeah. There's very little content about the grandad, though, other than a bit about how I don't think he's ever eaten a wrap. But other than that, he's not mentioned. So I'm doing this tour, and I'm doing Soho Theatre for two weeks, if you want to come to that. And all of that's

on my Instagram, I guess. When is it all happening? Like now. When's Soho? April and May. April and May. And then the rest of them around the country. Next one's Portsmouth.

Look at it on your website. Oh, website. You have a link on Twitter look at it on your website. Oh, website. But I don't think it's on that. I don't know. I think I've lost the one. You have a link on Twitter. You've lost your website. Oh, the link is on my Instagram.

That's it. Link's on your Instagram. Yeah, link's on my Instagram. Which is at Adam Hess. At Chinese boy. At 69. Dim sub.com. Yeah, at Adam Hess 100 or something like that.

Okay, all right. All right, great. And now, as with every guest, Adam, you can pick anything from PS Flat to take home with you. That's right. Including me. No one ever picks me. No.

That's not true, surely. I'll take something. You've got some bananas over there. Yeah, a banana. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks.