BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 54 - BudPandemic

Episode Date: March 18, 2020

BudPandemic!Pierre Novellie and Phil Wang bring you a quarantined pod! Pierre is in self-quarantine and Phil just doesn’t want to go outside. The boys discuss the epidemic and the end of the world, Pierre can only taste things like a cretin, cancellations and the human spirit, sneaky wipers, BudPod’s accidental relevance, the British love of authority AND freedom – the Blitz is back! Misinformation golden age, reading vs videogames, Pierre might become a YouTuber, Boris Johnson doesn’t have enough beds for his own kids, Pierre is going to shave his whole beard off, conspiracy theory bullshit, Phil’s airmiles are useless, Correspondence! Accidental euphemisms, OK thank you tables, train toilet floor wipe harvest. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to QuorumPod. QuorumPod Budpestilence. Budpestilence, Budpandemic. I like Budpandemic, that's good. Yeah, let's do Budpandemic. Hello listeners. We are speaking to you from our separate homes because uh i am in isolation yeah and what's really funny is uh that um the last episode we were very very relaxed about coronavirus because it was recorded

two weeks ago in one go with the episode before that and yeah because it was a big a big a big double farter with adam hess Exactly. And I was going, oh, it'll be fine. You were avoiding news about it completely. I just thought, oh, whatever. This is going to get sorted out. It'll be like SARS or MERS.

It's really bad, but it's going to be like airports being closed and then it'll be fine. And here you are eating humble pod. A slice of humble pod. Here am I, having completely lost my entire sense of taste and smell,

which is true. But you have like a snotty thing, right? Well, I definitely have a flu. I don't think it's the flu because it's nothing to do with my lungs. But that's not necessarily going to happen. Some people are very asymptomatic, so I don't know, really. Yeah.

It's definitely been... I've definitely been ill and it's definitely been shit. And I definitely can't taste or smell anything. That doesn't sound... But, like, I really can't smell... Like, I sprayed cologne all over my wrists to test it and i held it i held it right up to my nose and i was like i was really smelling what a dandy-esque way to check in on your house to see if i have to see if i have consumption Yeah, and so I sniffed, and I could feel in my nose the alcohol evaporating, making it tingle, and that was it.

Right, okay, okay. So, yeah, you only have, like, actual senses, like, feeling of motion. Yeah, and I can taste sweetness, sourness, bitterness. The obvious ones. um yeah the idiot no umami yet no no i haven't tried soy sauce but i'm sure it'll be i'm sure there's nothing to you right now i can only taste like the way that a cretin would taste um well that's fun so you'll be having like school dinners again and like fish fingers just everything tastes like paste i'd i'm trying to say it to

myself like well if everything tastes like paste then you can eat really healthily because there's literally no advantage to eating a pizza over plain steamed broccoli it's the same. You can eat like an astronaut now. I could. I could eat like an astronaut. I could probably be like one of those circus people who eats a whole bicycle. A lot of iron.

Yeah, and for once I wouldn't be picking up any of the wonderful subtle bicycle flavors. How long have you been in isolation now? How long have I been in isolation now? how long have I been in isolation? probably like six days

okay five so you're just about to break I think so yeah and then like well my whole life schedule has gone so weird Phil because

so what was supposed to happen was I was supposed to at the end of this week, go to Melbourne for the International Comedy Festival for four weeks of sun, sand and sloths. Yep. Sun, sand and sniggering. Sun, sand

and sniggering. And instead that's all been cancelled. Everything's cancelled. All the gigs I was going that's all been cancelled everything's cancelled all the gigs i was going to do been cancelled uh mccunnell comedy festival that's just been cancelled today yeah yeah um so that's cancelled um i imagine the various family holidays and theater soho theater runs i'll be doing this year those feel like they're going to be canceled so her theater certainly shut its doors now and i lost yeah my i lost my sense of taste and smell and a close relative recently which you know about which is so it's been a busy time for losing things for me phil yeah good lord i'm sorry to hear that yeah when it rains it pours

well that's it and again it's that thing of like you know you and I are losing a lot of money out of this but we're not even the worst off good lord I mean my work is not so much cancelled as postponed

indefinitely which you know it might effectively be the same thing, but currently it's not. But, you know, I'm fine, but there's people... I don't know how some people are going to manage. It's unbelievable. Yeah, it's... If you're listening to this,

Podbuds, we wish you the very best with this genuine end of the world. Like, I kept thinking if I was... i was speaking to someone recently and and they said exactly what you said phil last time about the thing where it's like uh uh in the in the disaster movie yeah and how it was like now it was like the start of a zombie one where like you flick through the channels and it's like, a huge increase in outbreaks, and people are advised to stay in their homes.

Aim for the head. Like, every time you switch the channel, it's a different newsreader actor telling you something about the zombies. Except now, Phil, with all the looting and hoarding, the zombies is us. The zombies is us. The zombies was us all along.

We were the zombies we made along the way. Gosh, yeah. I mean, this could either be like a feel-good Richard Curtis movie where everyone comes together and we all discover what truly combines us all as humans or it's going to be 28 days later and it's hard to know which one's going to be yet. How much faith do you have in the human spirit, Pierre? I've never asked you this. It's about time.

I'm sorry I've never asked you this. That's okay. How much faith do I have in the human spirit? What, like, just to sort of, just in terms of basic endurance? Endurance, decency, compassion. Endurance, like, 100%. Oh, yeah.

Because, you know, just look at history. Yeah, that can sometimes go directly against compassion, though, can't it? Endurance. Yes, that's true i think i'm gonna like uh pretend to have thought of this but really i'm just kind of vaguely remembering a john gray book uh like the compassion and and kindness and so on is is really really high and i have a lot of faith in it until until literally everyone has a gun in their mouth. And then everyone just behaves like animals.

But it's so extreme, it has to be like a death camp level. And even then, people are still intermittently kind. Yeah, yeah. It just depends, really. And it depends, like... It's quite funny that often you'll find that like the people who are going maddest and like looting are the ones who took the longest to convince it was serious and maybe they were skeptical because yeah like they're the ones who like up until the second that they're shooting

someone in the head for toilet roll they were going oh it's all just a bloody spring cold i'll go to the pub if i feel like it yeah i mean that's essentially what donald trump is right he was like hey it's okay it's a hoax there's no there's no virus and then and then when people started buying too much toilet paper he said no one's allowed in no my house no one can come here exactly it's basically a lot of guys going like there there's nothing to worry about, while they very silently load a revolver. They just go, well, I'll sort myself out, but you guys don't worry. Yes. I mean, that was kind of us a couple

of weeks ago. Well, we weren't even sorting ourselves out. We'd be Lurol kings by now, if we'd been that cynical. Yeah, we'd be the head of the London Lurol Kings by now, if we'd been that cynical. Yeah, we'd be the head of the London Lurol Gangs. That's right, the new London Lurol... It's the new Peaky Blinders.

The Paracetamol Militia of Holloway Road. Sneaky Wipers. Sneaky W wipers. Sneaky wipers. You're watching the latest episode of Sneaky Wipers. I'm the prince of toilet town, yeah? You want these fucking shit tickets, you're going to fucking pay for them. If anything, this podcast has prepared all our listeners for this very outcome.

Talking about Lou Roll, Pooin, and Jackinit, which people are going to be doing a lot of now. That's true. People are going to be doing a lot of now. That's true. We're in a way... Exactly. Different types of shitting. Now our listeners are fully aware of the full human range

of poo types. Like the huge rainbow of poo that's possible out there. And they are prepared to keep... They're prepared to keep jacking it at all costs and also our long discussions

of video games and the noises they make that's right yeah yeah yeah if you have to spend a lot of time in bed pod spend a lot of time in bed pod

if you have to self isolate Phil as i'm sure we all will broadly over the next months and months apparently uh what what talk talk me through your most diverting activities the things to the things to stop you looking out the window and seeing all the zombies shuffling in the street below. Well, it usually would be cooking, but I guess I'm going to have to devise a whole new repertoire that requires only plain rice, soya sauce, and

sardines. That sounds alright. I trust that you could figure something pretty good out from that. I mean, there'll be a lot of baked beans. Oh, the devil, the devil. Absent. Well, this is when your chickens have really come home

to roost. Your bean bigotry is finally biting you in the ass, because it's all that you'll have. To be fair, if I have lost my sense of smell and taste permanently, then that will remove some of the main barriers to baked beans being enjoyed by me.

Well, exactly. If everything now tastes to you like a sticky mush, tuck in the BBs. Yeah, the old BBs. It's the saline-like quality of their sauce I've always hated in my mouth. Yeah, you'll still have the texture to contain it. Yeah, that will be a problem still, I think.

Like a badly cooked yeah exactly exactly exactly a thousand times yes um yes i you have to start cooking we'll all have to start cooking and eating a lot like we're in the vietcong up a tree up a tree uh and and uh at night so no one can see the smoke. In the helmet of an American soldier we've killed. Those are the ways now, Phil. If martial law does descend, do you think you'll be alright? I think so.

I think there's a perverse part of me that would almost prefer martial law to trusting the British public to regulate themselves. Because the British public love a bobby on the beat. The only thing they love more than

a bobby on the beat is one of our brave boys. And so if they do end up sending like military police, like MPs around the place, then like, I don't know. The British character seems to be so obsessed with, you know, because like during Brexit, everyone was obsessed with the Blitz and obsessed with trying to overcome something horrible. Those people's dreams have just fucking come true. They must be so excited. Like, oh, the food's going to be bad again. And we won't be able to go out to the pub. And, oh, there's going to be soldiers telling us to move rubble.

And that will be good. It's that very strange and quite uniquely British conjunction of a protective love of their individual freedom, but also a reverence for authority. Yeah. a big, bald, angry drunk man out in the street screaming, it's my right to go into this closed Tesco.

As he tells a policeman, well done for beating the shit out of him. You know what I mean? Good on you, boys. Oh, it's my right to be here. Nice one there. Oh, you really got me in the groin that time. Oh, but am I right?

Yeah, exactly. People here, the British love their rights, but they also love the police. People look at China and Japan and South Korea and Hong Kong and they go, we should do that here, forgetting somehow that the British do not have the choir discipline. See, I think that they did a big survey I saw.

It was the Telegraph or the Times or someone and there was like 83% of the public are in favor of rationing. What does that mean? Do those people even know what that means? Look, the British public are desperate to have someone kick them with a big black boot.

They want it. They want... Because they think to... They're all dirty little boys and dirty little girls. That's right. It's the island of dirty little boys. Oh, kick me with your boot. Kick me with your big boot. I put a big crown on the boot.

But also, I think there's a part of the psychology and i think i have this where you think well i'm happy enough to queue while a soldier tells me i can only have four loo rolls like i don't care about that because i'm still getting more than enough loo rolls but what i like is the idea of of an imagined cunty neighbor being bullied by the army and having to be ashamed of their greed. And that's what everyone thinks, is that, yeah, but I'll be fine. All those other fucking shitty little cunts

will have to obey now. And it's that kind of impulsive of temporary street behavior level authoritarianism. This is most authoritarian. Oh, yeah. Again, we've been preparing everybody. Yes, this is it. What's your most authoritarian thought?

They should stop people congregating in groups of more than 10 immediately because otherwise everyone's going to die. Oh, God. I think they've done that in Denmark. Is it Denmark now? With only European country apart from North Macedon that hasn't stopped people from going to restaurants

and clubs and bars and things. Oh, really? Yeah, everywhere else has done it, or at least told people not to. We're a bit behind the curve, I think. Well, they have told people not to it's it's we're a bit behind the curve i think but well they have told people not to hear but in such vague terms yeah but boris johnson's going like they might as well not yeah oh i i i think it would be unwise so try not to um okay bye here's but i mean that's the thing is because they now have daily briefings where we all tune in like the two-minute hate.

The two-minute cough. The two-minute cough. We tune in as Big Boris and his two advisors, who I think will have creepy cults built around them within a matter of weeks. Like creepy death cults built around these men. Because they can update us every day. They can sort of fine-tune

what we're doing, right? So they can go one day, probably you shouldn't go out to a restaurant. And then the next day they go, oh, you're a bit of a dickhead, actually, if you go to a restaurant. And then the next day, you can out to a restaurant and then the next day they go oh you're a bit of a dickhead actually if you go to a restaurant and then the next day is that you can go to a restaurant but the waiters will all punch you in the net yeah and then they go okay no more restaurants so they can do it like day by day right so yeah that's true isn't that what's going on maybe that they start with a suggestion and then they're going to ramp up the severity. Yeah, I mean, I hope it's that planned out.

I'm annoyed at Boris Johnson because what's the point of being a horny, power-hungry sociopath for your whole life and then you finally become the most powerful person in the country in actual direct terms and you're finally there and you're you're fucking

your weird girlfriend uh in number 10 and it's great and then you this big pandemic happens and the actual public over 80 of them are just like make it the war again just like your hero winston churchill kick us with a big boot and make it the war again just like your hero winston churchill kick us with a big boot and make it the war and he won't do it it's isn't it his dream though to face a churchillian challenge like this exactly it's to come out of it victoria this is his wet dream well this is it but he's not behaving like it is he's kind of fumbling around and he's letting his own dad go on tv this morning with philip scofield and well, I'm still going to the pub because I'm thick. Was his dad on TV?

Yeah, and his dad's like 79. And he's like, of course I'll go to the pub. And it's like, great. This is doing really well to spread the right information. Thanks, Philip Schofield, you fucking cunt. Imagine if Boris Johnson's dad was all part of a highly choreographed plan. They've done all the calculations and they go, well if my dad goes on Breakfast TV and tells... we've

calculated there are this many idiots in the country and my dad will get them out and that's just the right amount of number of people. We need to get sick to get to this point by June. You know, maybe I have too much faith in in those experts all right darling you want a fucking barocca do you i've got a van full of baroccas right here fell off the back of a van not this van a different van i'm aware i've said the van word too many times the word van i mean but um these baroccas they fell off the back of a van and i picked them up and i put them in this van which is my van and i brought it here to the alleyway to sell the baroccas yes vitamins yeah oh gone. Oh, I spoke about the logistical chain too much.

People aren't interested in where it comes from. If anything, it makes them more suspicious. Oh, how likely is it that it fell out the back of a van, they must say to themselves. Oh, dear. Oh, it's hard working in the black market as a spew. That's the other pandemic is there's a pandemic of a certain kind of comedian but also a certain kind of person in general who's now becoming like mr coronavirus conspiracy theory and they're starting to go on twitter and be like uh

well i've done three seconds of searching Facebook posts on my aunt's account, and here's what I reckon about this disease and the secret government plan to do this and that and whatever. If I see that... Oh, it's never been a better time for misinformation. This would be looked back on like... ever been a better time for misinformation it is this would be looked back on like this is the the equivalent of this the swinging 20s for misinformation

you know people go oh were you around in the misinformation era the golden era the golden year of of lies yeah there'll be old there'll be old people going i i could tell a lie and a million people would believe it yeah have you seen there's a lot of misinformation being shared about like you can kill coronavirus with lemons lemons yeah it's but it starts with a facebook post and then i saw footage today of taxi drivers in uganda like cutting up lemons and and washing their hands and faces with them, and it's like, that's how far this can go. You're just going to sting your eyes for no good reason. Great, now I've got a terrible cough and my eyes are

red to shit. I'm going to die of coronavirus and smell like a clean tiled floor. It's bud buds, if you're listening, if you see anyone spreading disinformation if you know them tell them to stop and if you don't fucking block them honestly just just delete them from your life because those people are those people are like the

people during the blitz who would be like the bombs are only falling on cath Catholic houses or whatever. Pieces of shit. Do continue to listen to our podcast, though. Yeah. Where everything is thoroughly... Where everything is fact-checked three times by three independent academic researchers, like at the New Yorker. Yeah. Yeah.

All our podcasts are peer-reviewed uh among the other podcasts we all have to submit our podcast to the others yeah um we have to send this to off menu and my dad wrote a porno and then they listen to it and then they get back to us yeah and then uh exactly we get feedback from uh from a caster and uh i don't know enough about my dad wrote a porn alice levine oh yeah yeah of course yeah oh my lord uh so what are you what are you going to do to distract yourself phil are you going to play video games you're going to be a video games boy um yeah i was looking forward to playing video games and then realized oh well of course now my sister who lives with me is working from home all the time. So I don't have the living room to myself.

So I'm going to... Fortunately, I was very lazy about selling my little TV in my bedroom. So now I still have it. Yes. So I'm going to bring my liquor PlayStation into my room and be like a 16-year-old again. Yes, yes. I'm going to play Untitled Goose Game. Oh, yeah.

And I might get Death Stranding, which now seems particularly prescient. Yes, I'll be interested to hear what you make of Death Stranding. Have you played it? I have played it, yeah. You finished it? I've not finished it, no.

My flatmate bought it and I had a go. It's very hypnotic to watch someone play as well and it was very engaging and then it gets to the point where it's got quite an interesting storyline I don't know I think it's

I'm fascinated to see which people get to the point with Death Stranding where they have an existential collapse and they realise that they're just simulating being a postman. Yeah. But yes, you could download GTA and just drive around obeying all the traffic

lights. That's fun. I already, oh yeah, I think I have GTA somewhere. What else, what else? I have a lot of books. Can't wait to not read those. I have a huge pile of books. Yeah, I think... I reckon if I get... If you get through this and I've still not finished the books in my house, I think

I just have to conclude that I don't like reading. I mean, how much... How much more of an opportunity can a person be given? If you go outside, you will die or people you know will die. Read these books. No. I'll take my chances.

Bye. I've been scrolling through the Twitter content gambling machine all day. I don't have time for books. I think if you come out the other side of this and you still haven't read all those books, you have to eat the books. Yes, okay. That's good.

That's your incentive. If you go like well it's either going in my brain or in my stomach uh what about you what are you gonna do um i also have a big ass pile of books um i have a big ass pile of books. I just got a new laptop, and I just bought Civilization VI, so that's a good 10,000 hours of my life in the toilet. Phil, it's so beautiful. The game is so beautiful. Oh, it's a beautiful game.

It's so nice looking. Great. So pretty. Can't wait for the Coronavirus DLC. Yes, exactly. I think playing Civilization VI is good though because when we rebuild society I could be like, yeah, we need to harvest

the diamonds. Diamonds are good. They give your civilization a bonus or whatever the fuck. How's the Isle of Man doing right now? Is it an effective quarantine zone? Anyone who arrives on the Isle of Man, weeks isolation immediately uh and they've canceled the tt races which is like the event of the year it's massive yeah they've completely canceled it and they should because

if if if it if it gets to the isle of man like the isle of man health care system is not ready and it has a very old population and like it would be so so so so so bad and so my parents were supposed to come visit me in london as well and they can't do that now they're stuck there uh in the house but that's okay for now um it's all it's all getting very it's all getting very crazy actually um it's all getting a bit real it's all getting a bit real I might start I might genuinely start I had this idea did I tell you about a YouTube idea that you were going to come up with YouTube

and then they beat you to it yeah yeah but aside from you know because they came into my dream I remember years ago you would say Phil I've got this amazing idea for a cinema in the clouds. And I said, you're crazy. And you said, anyone can put their videos and movies up.

And I said, get back in your cage. I remember. I remember. I grabbed you by the lapels and I said, no, Phil, listen. An ordinary unemployed middle-aged man could start watching videos of interesting car crashes, and by the end of the day, he's a Nazi. It's going to be brilliant. But yeah, that one didn't work out.

What's your new novel YouTube idea? Because you know how I can do drawings and art? Sure. I might try and do my own Bob Ross thing. Ah, yes. That'd be fun. Yeah, I just film myself doing little horrible doodles, but talking about them as

soothing away as Bob Ross. So just like, and then we'll just draw him with his head exploding. That's nice. That's nice. That's good. Just things like that. Yeah, really calm.

A really calm narration of a really horrible image. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I think that could be fun. I mean, I literally have nothing in my diary thanks to these cancellations for the next five weeks, six weeks? Oh yeah, I mean, I don't have anything for... Yeah, I mean, my whole

tour, I'm still not sure what's happening. Soho Theatre run, so many Budpods have bought tickets for that, thank you, but we'll see what happens with that. Yeah, I think I'm going to get really good at push-ups.

Once I get better, I'm going to start doing a guy locked in a prison cell level number of push-ups. Can you imagine if we didn't have the internet right now? Jesus, I mean... Can you imagine imagine what on earth we read that would be the end we'd read the dictionary

a lot i mean even like people wouldn't be able to work from home you you can order yeah delivery of anything yeah yeah it'd be insane you didn't have to be on the phone you have to like calling uber eats on the phoneats on the phone I mean I guess that's fine it wouldn't even be Uber Eats you'd have to be like calling the actual place every restaurant has to have one delivery driver now etc and also like the government would have to ring you with like a government phone

call you know with the information they'd have to pick it up and it'd be like, this is, like, bee-boo, it would play the emergency tone, bee-boo-boo, this is the government, stay in your fucking house. Imagine Boris Johnson had to personally call everyone in the UK.

Um, um, um, um, stay indoors. Uh, uh, uh, unless you don't want to. Yeah, I mean, that was a crazy thing want to. Yeah, I mean, that's the crazy thing about his announcement yesterday. I mean, PodBuds, by the time you hear this, I'll be another. But in the last one,

he said, if you're showing any symptoms, or if you're in a household, quarantine yourself for 14 days and don't leave, not even to... except to get essentials, or maybe not even to um i accept to get essentials or maybe not even to get essentials but you can leave if you need to do some exercise

and it's like what it's okay to leave to do exercise yeah yeah why how what kind of policy is that also also like if you weren't you're running around like coughing and the police like oh wait should you be out and you just instantly start doing squats and i can't touch him also it's like uh well the one thing when i have a respiratory illness phil and my lungs are collapsing in on themselves i need to go for a jog that's all that will keep me sane but yeah it's it's amazing that like he can stand on a podium and be like uh a lot of our family and relatives are going to die uh this is the most serious thing since the war we are at war uh but don't worry about it uh if you don't want to um that's okay oh no

i think it's fine do you trust that they're the two chief the chief medical officer and the chief scientist the medical officer does seem nerdy enough that i trust him they they they like a good they they look they look sort of yeah trustworthy i suppose but then like they can't say anything without Boris Johnson saying that that's what they're going to say. So they're still kind of like slaved to this fat, horny, sociopath idiot. Every time you describe Boris Johnson,

everything varies except the word horny. He's so horny. He can't stop coming in women and making children. He doesn't even know how many he doesn't even know how many there are how many how many kids how many kids do you have and are they infected with coronavirus that's the new question to ask him is that why he's not closing schools because he can't bear the thought of them all coming home prime minister we really have to close schools.

No, no, no. Now, the clever thing is to allow some amount to spread. Yeah, he's there going... The sheer number of beds that hospitals need is... We don't have enough beds in hospitals or in my house for all of the children to sleep in. We're looking at what experts call a Charlie Bucket, Willy Wonka scenario.

All sleeping in a big bed. Oh my fucking God. So what are you going to do tomorrow on day seven? Are you going to go outside? Have you literally not been outside for a week? I have been to the shops to buy essentials, as part of the

government advice. I might get my hair cut, and I might shave my whole beard off. Yeah, why not? So the virus has nowhere to hide it has nowhere to hide on my face and i don't have to be on stage so i don't need to look like myself for fucking six weeks which is more than long enough to grow my beard like one and a half

times twice i don't know let's find out although you will look less intimidating for the Luro Gang trials. Yeah, if I have to face up against the Sneaky Wipers with a bare face, that's true. I'm hoping that if I do shave it off I won't have to face up against the Sneaky Wipers for

three days because three day stubble is pretty good good for toughness yeah that's true that's true action hero stubble and yeah and also if I want to seem intimidating I'll just cough

yeah of course well this is unless they're immune this is the thing right Idris Elba currently has coronavirus he's not showing symptoms obviously Yeah, of course. Unless they're immune. This is the thing, right? Idris Elba currently has coronavirus. He's not showing symptoms, obviously, because he's Idris Elba. He's beaten up coronavirus.

Obviously, Stringer Bell is not going to be coughing. All his antibodies are tiny Idris Elbas. They're just tiny Loofah's. He's got a bunch of Loofah's. DCR John Loofah, your fucking Nick, son. He's just grabbing one of the coronavirus by the spikes and pulling them behind their hands and cuffing them. But now he's going to be immune so do you think like there's going to be an ubermensch culture around people who have had the virus and are now immune like we get like badges oh like like uh

and whether maybe it'll either be ubermensch culture or it'll be like uh maybe it'll get so bad that the government will be like, if you've had it and you're immune now, you get to, you know... We're conscripting you to do all this work because you can't get sick. Yeah, yeah. You'll be like the guy pulling the plague cart in The Black Death.

Bring out your dead! Because that guy's recovered from it. Oh, is that right? Well, like, they didn't know that, but like... Well, they just thought some people are magically invulnerable to it. Or just some people just recovered from it. It didn't kill everyone.

So some people would be like, God, that was a bad bout of plague. Anyway, that's who we're descended from. Of course. Gosh. I'd love to be immune. I would not be gracious about it at all going around licking subway poles yeah i i sort of hope that like whatever i've had is it because

then i'm done like i finished my exam i know i know but i have to say it doesn't sound like it the trouble is that like there's a lot of conflicting information where like everyone else is saying oh it has to be respiratory and then i look i got sent some world health organization stuff and they were like oh yeah a cough or like shortness of breath in in 68 of cases so that's like two-thirds so i don't know i don't know only time will tell do you have a fever i did have one yeah yeah well i mean hey look if we have to do another pod bud pod where it's like i'm i'm doing it from hospital and everyone's going stop podcasting in the background um then you know that it wasn't it this time and i had to get it again yeah okay yeah well i mean that's what they're trying to do now they're coming i'm trying to Then you know that it wasn't it this time and I had to get it again. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Well, I mean, that's what they're trying to do now. They're trying to come up with a test to see if you've already had it. And they can spot the Ubermensch's. Yes, and then you get to go around delivering fruits and vegetables to people or something. Or will you be excused from that duty because you could be spreading it without realising?

Well, once you're immune, you'll no longer actually be harbouring the virus. You could spread it by contact, but not actually by carrying it. I don't know. I hope so. It all seems very vague, and I can't

help but wish, Phil. Because I think if you become immune, then the virus can't reproduce in your body. Isn't that right? Yeah. Again, please, no one take this as gospel. Well, that's it. They think so,

but we still don't even know enough about the virus to know if it will reinfect or if it's like other flus or anything. It's all just mystery time. And I can't help but wish, Phil, that the the chinese government when this first emerged in wuhan in november if you can believe that november think about how not how how much this was not a thing in november yeah that's when the chinese government could

have started dealing with this instead of punching doctors in the stomach going you never saw no virus yeah and that's why there's all those conspiracy theories about like oh the chinese government made the virus to someone said that a friend of theirs has said the chinese government made the virus to suppress the hong kong protests wow and i i was saying like oh yeah because the chinese government's sitting there going god if only there a simpler, more direct way of crushing dissent. We've got all these guns and tanks lying around, but I don't see what help they would be. God, if only we had big camps where we literally kidnap people and lock them up without any problems. Well, have to make a big flu.

And put ourselves at risk. Yeah. Also, where should we make the flu in Hong Kong where we're going to use it no let's make the big flu really far away in our area and just

jizz it around that would be good god it's a good time for conspiracy theorists man is it ever ever since 2016 things have gotten really weird. I was thinking this. They definitely have, haven't they?

Objectively. Because is it just a quirk of history that everyone thinks they're living in the most bizarre time? I don't think it is, is it? I think it mostly is, but just not now because like even now loads of academics and medical professionals and historians are saying like no no this is this is as epochal and and big as the spanish flu in 1918 combined with the stock market crashes of all the previous years like it's so many things happening at once and there's an oil war and and and refugee crisis and and and global warming like there's so many

things going on but I mean have you seen how much better the atmosphere is in because of this virus have you seen the Venice canals the canals in Venice are clear

and they're full of fish and loads of swans have come back wow they look they look beautiful they look like rivers from a tropical paradise and the irony is this this disease almost certainly originated in an animal maybe it's an animal conspiracy it's those fucking animals again i told you we should have eaten them all. We spared you money. If you'd all got your shit together and eaten them all during Christmas, this wouldn't have happened. Every bean burger you've had was a nail in my coffin. I hope you're happy, vegetarians.

Wait a minute. This tofu salesman is wearing a mask. Who's underneath? Oh my god, it's a battery hen. We would have gone away with it. Gah! How few flights there are now.

God, if BA folds after all the effort I've put into collecting points over the last couple of years, I will feel very silly. The amount of hours I've spent collecting air miles. Useless currency. You'll be like some guy going, this drawer full of zeppelin vouchers is useless i've been making fun of hoarders all this time and meanwhile i've just been painstaking accruing a virtual currency that had little value to begin with and probably none

at all by the time we're out of it we can all agree it's very funny what's happened to Bitcoin. Fuck, I was thinking the other day, oh shit, what happened to Bitcoin? It's crashed again. Really? It's not done well out of this? No. I thought it would have done better out of this, because people are like, well, we need an alternative currency. No, everyone's just gone,

that wacky internet shit can go fuck itself. Where's the gold? Oh, fuck, man. Yeah, very much so. that wacky internet shit can go fuck itself where's the gold oh fuck man yeah yeah yeah yeah very much so sorry to any podbuzz out there with um who've invested in bitcoin i very stupidly dabbled in bitcoin for one week um i think it became two because i i i was very hungover one day and i thought oh this bitcoin thing seems to be a good idea i guess I should try my hand at something I have no experience or knowledge in now when I'm really hungover and I feel sad and I've got a headache. And so I bought like a bunch of monies worth of Bitcoin

at what turned out to be a peak in its value. It then crashed in the afternoon. I lost £200 in an hour. Oh my god i thought well the good thing to do when you lost value is sell right so i sold it and had a loss of 200 pounds and i thought well oh no i need to make it back so i bought it all back again no and i spent the next two weeks sort of buying and selling and buying selling getting, getting zero sleep, looking at the value of Bitcoin every minute. Oh, my God.

Eventually, over a fortnight, I got my money back and actually made a profit of £35. Fucking hell, man. But it wasn't not... If someone said, would you like £35 to have the most stressful fortnight of your life, I'd have gone, go fuck yourself. Yeah. That's what I did. No, you're like, my salary is £35 every have the most stressful four night of your life, I'd have gone to go fuck yourself. That's what I did. No, you're like, my salary is

£35 every two weeks as a Bitcoin trader. Oh my lord. Yeah, and the stock market's crashing and all this. This is definitely, like, we're living through one of the biggest, you know, historical events simultaneously ever. Like, it's a very

very big deal. Yeah. Yeah. I'm amazed that Japan still thinks the Olympics are going to happen. Surely not. When... Glastonbury's still scheduled to go ahead.

Get fucked. They're just pissing around waiting for the government to make them cancel it, surely. But I mean, at this point, with the rate of change, like three months ahead is a long amount of time. Yeah, but all the... Have you seen that Imperial College London study that came out? No. It's bad, Phil. It came out yesterday, and it's why the government's changed its mind.

Because it's based on all the new data from Italy because Italy is the country with the most free open data with a Western system similar to ours. And the study is basically like managing this is not going to work. If we keep pissing around and letting people do what they like and hoping they stay indoors and kind of just live as normal,

it's going to be like hundreds of thousands of deaths, not just from the virus, hundreds of thousands, but from like the beds being full, you know, like the hospital being too busy. And they said, if we just move to suppression, like everyone in your fucking house now, suppression, like everyone in your fucking house now, then the peak will be

you know, July June, July and it's going to keep death to around like 20,000 or below they hope so it's all changed that's why so much more stuff's being cancelled today because it's just looking so deeply

impossible and unlikely, and even if it goes ahead, no one will want to go, right? Not exactly, but all you can do at this point is wait for new information, because, yeah, it keeps coming up. But then I was talking to... I mean, this is the problem. There's so many conflicting sources. I was talking to a doctor who said that South Korea has the best results

and South Korea is pursuing the strategy most similar to us. So, I mean, the thing is it's so unprecedented and it's going to affect different countries differently. It's just so hard to know. And the thing is I think everyone's tempted to think that there is a correct answer. There isn't every single solution is going to have a different price to pay so I think it's it's not particularly useful to be going no this is the best answer this is the best answer I think you just have to

kind of like pick what you're willing to risk and go with it yeah and just we'll just do with the just try like well i was gonna say do what the government says but i would say currently i would say be more cautious than the government is saying and like even if south korea is good like we're more similar to italy than south korea especially given like our nhs was kind of on the verge of being overwhelmed every winter even without this so well at least we're out of winter now well that's the that's the good thing yeah summer loving and um they've started human trials in america for a vaccine i think it's like unprecedentedly quick yeah god it will be months

it will be months oh my word oh boy maybe boy. Maybe I'm going to get real good at push-ups and drawing. And hey, we'll always have podcasts. We'll always have podcasts. That's right. You cannot stop BudPod. Imagine if we all emerged out of this the most well-informed, well-read.

When people emerge from their homes in a few months, or years, we will know every single detail of every single murder of all time. And we will have seen all of the funniest police videos. And all of the... I mean, it is time at last to catch up with everything. It And all of the... I mean, it is time at last to catch up with everything. It reminds me of that... Do you know the...

The Twilight Zone, the classic episode, Time Enough at Last? Yes, yes, for reading, yes. When this man never gets enough time to read, and then he locks himself in a bank vault, just as all the nuclear bombs hit hit and he's the only person left and he discovers a library and he goes

enough yes yes yes I can finally read all these books and he sorts them all out and then his spectacles fall to the ground and smash and he goes but it's not fair it's not fair I finally had time

I finally had time and then roger sterling goes witness a man yeah um it's gonna be yes it's gonna be there glasses it's and also like hope your internet doesn't cut out because this is an opportunity phil because i don't know if you knew this phil but kids say the funniest things, but have we heard them all? That's the real thing. Kids might say the funniest things, but do adults hear the funniest things? Let's write that wrong. Let's find out.

But the real question, Phil, here, which we've both been ignoring, the really big question, you know what it is? Has anyone tried turning 2020 off and on again? Oh i didn't see that coming at all uh we haven't seen that anywhere have we no i think it's too serious for that horseshit yes this has become serious even for those silly fucks but hey what do you reckon should we read a correspondence i mean this is a this is at this time i'm actually quite relieved that we asked such a backlog because we can read correspondence from a simpler happier time although it might not have felt like it. Ring rings. Keep emails. Email. Phone calligraphy. Talking. Jacking. Your sister.

Keep a streetcar. To keep me from hearing letters. Correspondence. Correspondence. So. Correspondence. Tom, Tom with a TH gets in touch.

Thumb. Hi, Tom. Thumb. Tom Thumb. Tom Thumb. He's been in touch before and and he's a regular tweet friend. So he says, hello, friends, which is nice. That's nice.

Just as Pierre sees jazz musician names everywhere. It's true. I have started to notice as yet unassigned euphemisms. Oh, yeah. Oh, very good yes particular hotbeds for these are the same kinds of stores you'd find a classic tat for sale e.g. out of out of town budget home stores

here are three I found recently I hope you enjoy them and if you wish to assign them a meaning go ahead. Okay. Scatologically, yours, Tom. Or Thom. Also, no thanks for the chocolate block

recommendation. It just tasted like wine. Ha ha ha! Oh no! Okay. Well, that's a shame. I assure you, Thom, it was very good wine. You had very good wine. I mean, I've lost my sense of smell and taste. I'm now on Team Thom

until it comes back, if ever. Yeah, man. That's the thing. You can buy very cheap wine now when it takes a year. I could just drink just ethanol and water. Let's see. So here are the euphemisms, Phil.

Okay. The first one appears to be a pet care product, and it's called Furlifter. You've got to look out for Greg. He's a real furlifter, if you know what I mean. This bar's full of furlifters. What would a furlifter you know this bar's full of furlifters what's a fur what would a furlifter be um someone who has a kink for very heavy pubic hair i was just thinking that yes so like male or female in any direction the idea is like you have to lift up the fur to get at the genitals yeah like like you're revealing

a tropical cave behind some uh verdant uh vines the kind of thing that's in the like uh uncharted or something yes aside some vines yes exactly, exactly. Yes. I think, okay, so that's a furlifter. So, okay, the next one is a cooking utensil. And it's called a yolkster egg poacher. A yolkster? Yeah.

I don't quite see the euphemism there. A yokester. I'm going to say it's a German prankster. A yokester, yes, of course, of course. Or someone who puts yokes onto cattle. Yeah, someone who regularly overburdens others. Yes, yes, yes, yes. He's a real yokester yeah yeah i mean i know he's going through a tough time but he's been a real yokester about it yeah he's like i got my too you know fucking yokester yokester uh this one is is good a A woof glider. Hey!

What is that? What does that really look like? It looks like a kind of dog frisbee. A woof glider. A woof glider. Oh, man. All I'm seeing is like a dog mortuary where they pull out

the bit from the fridge where the bodies are and this is our woof glider and there's a kid there and the doctor doesn't want the kid to get too sad or the vet doesn't want the kid to get too sad and the kid's like what's that?

oh this is just a woof glider it glides the woof woof into the fun wall into the fun wall where it stays. Forever now. And what, it's all done up in colourful plastic like a kid's toy, and as you pull it out the wall it goes like... That's giving me this horrible image of a dog in a mortuary table,

but it's lying down the way a human would with its arms and legs straight. Yeah, like flat on its back, looking up with a sheet up to its neck. Yes, exactly, yes. But its arms are by its sides somehow and its legs are down. And the family is there to identify the body. Oh god. Yes, that's Mr. Speckles.

That's him. It's just the CSI team going like who would do this? Oh my god, a wolf glider. I think a wolf glider, Phil, would be a good euphemism for someone involved in a world in which you are very popular, which is pup play. Oh god, yes, I got tweeted by pup people, which was a kink I didn't even know existed, and I wish I didn't know existed. They're like big vinyl pleather leather dog people. What's it made from?

Latex. Latex. That's the thing, isn't it? Yeah. And they look like sort of kinky dog superheroes. It's very odd. It's very odd. To be fair, their masks in the current epidemic look very enviably hygienic.

But they were, listeners, they were complimenting Phil for his jumpsuit. Which is nice of them. Yes, but it's not, I wouldn't say it's dog-like in any way. I mean, you can see my dick in balls like a dog, but that's where the comparison ends, right?

I don't know if they look that dog like I don't think I'd get them confused I wouldn't be like oh that's a lovely dog Wait a minute That's a horny guy Oh my god Not again He sure is friendly

Okay so That was it Wolfglider was the last one Thanks, Thom That was very good, Thom Holly gets in touch Holly Very jolly

Dear Phil and Pierre I'm composing this email at 4.30am After experiencing A very delirious okay thank you moment. Oh great, a fresh okay thank you. Yeah. I'm in my mid-twenties and living in a student flat, so as you can tell, my life has turned out just fine. It's funny, isn't it?

Mid-twenties and student. It's not that many years, but it's a big gap. It is a big gap, but so much so that I just thought what's wrong with that I guess it just means you're a mature student like a 25 year old when you're 19 looks like they're fucking 68 a 25 year old

when you're 19 is like Gandalf smoking a long pipe and speaking in cryptic riddles like pay your taxes self-assessment things like that uh so she continues this evening some strangers had found themselves by some instance of sheer fucking luck in my flat and then decided to move the dining table from the kitchen to directly outside my bedroom door that That is odd. Like to trap her in?

It's not clear why. To move it out of the way or to hang out literally outside her room and trap her. How weird. The core of my being wanted to tell them to fuck themselves sky high. But instead I opened the door, saw the table, made eye

contact with the strangers that had boxed me into my own room and merely said Okay, thank you They was helping you self-isolate Yes They knew They knew what was coming before closing the door bewildered Holly, did these strangers look

Chinese for a chance Were they wearing terrifying gas masks? So she said, okay, thank you, before closing the door, but will that keep on jacking it for the love of God? Oh, we will. Holly. Well, we won't have a choice.

It'll be one of the few forms of exercise that won't require us to leave the house. Yeah. Archaeologists in the future will discover all these skeletons. The tear marks on the bones will suggest a uniquely large amount of muscle

mass around the right wrist. Yes, that's right. It's going to be like, wow, everyone's doing some really painfully hard high-fives now that we're cured Shall we do one more? One more My laptop's running out of battery

adding suspense and drama We'll make it a long pod for the pod pod and teen Yes, pod and teen George from Brixton gets back in touch Bricks George I'm almost Brixton gets back in touch. I'm almost certain I mean back in touch.

Anyway, the subject line is, a poo-poo belly amber story to share. A poo-poo? Belly amber. Belly amber? Okay. Or a poo-poo slash belly amber story to share. I'm not quite sure. Like, code amber? I think so. That's how bad the poo was? Unless it's about an American girl.

Or his poo fossilized into a beautiful gold nugget. A beautiful gold nugget that can carry a static charge. Oh, really? Yes, and over 90% And a mosquito with dinosaur blood. Yes, and we can bring them back and they can cure the virus.

So he says, hey, butt squats. Very funny. It's George from Brixton. Hooray. Hi, George. Love the show and thought you might like this scatologically vibrant story from my past. Although it's nearly 10 years old, it's all painfully true and it still makes my cheeks hot when I think of it. But which cheeks?

Hot, hot bum cheeks of embarrassment. You never know. I went up to visit a mate. Wait, I went up to visit at a mate up north. What? I went to visit a mate up north at her uni for the weekend and enjoyed a number of poisons. That's funny. I got up early on the Sunday to get my train back and boarded number of poisons. That's funny.

I got up early on the Sunday to get my train back and boarded the train to London. Sitting in one of those four-seaters, the poor man's VIP booth. Oh, lovely. Poor man's business class. Yes, please. I was enjoying a remarkably fresh head despite the rancid filth I put in me.

This is what experts call a false dawn. A false dawn, this is good. A lot of great terminology. Excellent work. An elderly couple joined me at the table, and the train set off. But at that moment,

the previous night's Blue Wicked's Sambucas and the Lancaster Kebab, not a euphemism. Although that would be a good euphemism. I hope Thom enjoys that. Yes, yes, I want that to the list. So the Blue Wicked's, Sambuca's, Lancaster Kebab all returned to the present. The nausea hit me like an elephant gun filled with dog shit.

And I asked the lady if I could have her plastic bag. Alarmed at the sight of what probably looked like a sweating half-finished waxwork, she emptied the bag and handed it to me. I immediately threw up in it. However, I hadn't realized it had four small holes in the bottom, which she pointed out as the hot sick poured out in streams. No! Of course, in out in streams. No! Of course, in the corners there.

Yes! To the best of my abilities, I tried to plug the holes with my fingers, like a clumsy bagpiper. That's a great euphemism, the clumsy bagpiper. I imagine a lint chocolatier squeezing the chef bags of cream. Yeah, he's doing a little twist of vomit on a cake.

And shuffled my way down to the toilets, vomit down my lap and dripping down my wrists onto the floor. I got into the toilet. I got in, dropped the bag into the toilet and washed my hands. There was still evil in me.

Above and so below and my guts felt like a dying star. I needed a full body evacuation, so I dropped my trousers and sat on the toilet. It was like a primordial tar. A foul ichor.

I think it's ichor. Ichor, what's that? It's like essence or guts. The smell was quite astonishing and had me gagging again. I needed to get out. So I reached for the toilet paper and realized there was none. There was none at all. Prescient.

Yes, very prescient. There were, however, a few loose sheets on the floor. Oh no! In various states of decay. Oh man, I have in my lower moments eyed up jealously the sanitary product bin. Oh yeah, You just think

that's an option. You think that'll be okay? That'll be okay? I just use the white bits. Oh, God. Oh, God. Biohazard or what? So he says, in various states of decay, piss soaked

and soiled, I peeled a couple of them up, scavenging what I could, and using every available centimeter Breaching the hull once or twice Oh my god Breaching the hull Fucking hell Star Trek

I did the best I could with what I could find And I flushed the toilet Unfortunately, the bag of sick caused a blockage What, you put the whole bag in? Yeah, he just chucked the bag of sick caused a blockage. What, you put the whole bag in? Yeah, he just chucked the bag of sick in the bog. Oh no, you mustn't put plastic in the toilet. Unfortunately, the bag of sick caused a blockage that saw the bowl rapidly fill with this caustic gravy.

Kebab chunks and oily shit rose to the rim. Oh, fuck. Horrible. Horrible. I wanted to cry and die at the same time. It didn't overflow, but it didn't recede. I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. The smell was indescribable, so I just needed to get out. I washed my hands and opened the door.

As I stumbled down the aisle, I could I washed my hands and opened the door. As I stumbled down the aisle, I could hear the other passengers comment on the smell. The flash sweat... Yeah, that's the worst. You feel like a kid again. Everyone on the train going, Jesus Christ! The flash sweat on my pale face turned to a throbbing

red heat as everyone looked at me. As I sat down, the old lady asked if I was okay, and I wanted to cry. She bought me a can of Coca-Cola and some crisps and some water. Aw, that's nice. I spent the rest of the journey watching people open the toilet door,

cover their faces, and go to the next carriage. Oh, man. Well, that's a good way to get your three and four seats back. Fucking hell. Well, I mean... God, that's everything. If we hadn't had that incredible Nadir in the last episode,

that might be one of... That's top five. Yeah, that's pretty bad. That's pretty bad. And we all have a story like that on my uni days, but that yes but not necessarily but the detail of having to harvest the floor sheets that's oh yeah peeling them off and god um that's some that's like some end of communism shit right there yeah so he says uh so i hope you enjoyed it more than i did at the time big fan of the show particularly pierre's velvet baritone uh man another compliment

for pierre's voice yes i've still got nothing for mine and phil's gasping laugh there you go thank you uh so please please keep on jacking it, George. Thanks, George. We will do. Oh, I did forget something. We actually got a little extra message from the Caroline who shat her own pussy. Oh, my God. Okay. I'm fast running out of battery.

Okay. So basically she just said she's overwhelmingly touched to hold the accolade of the Nadir. Yeah. And is very tempted to send the episode to all of her friends to claim the horror and glory but is very conflicted about that and she just says thank you for the very kind words about her writing because she's also trying to do some more writing and it's very good

please do, absolutely good enough and she says my excellent boyfriend listened to the episode and simply messaged me to say well that included some details of which I was previously unaware. Yes. In Bud Pod Veritas. In Bud Pod Veritas. Well, that's the episode for this week.

Good luck and stay safe, everyone. Stay not infected. Stay indoors. And stay cheery where you can. And keep jacking it for God's sake yes keep jacking it we'll be here we'll always be here for you

we'll see you all next week bye