BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 55 - Lockdown!

Episode Date: March 25, 2020

It's a LOCKDOWN! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss their quarantine routines, panic buying, Harvey Weinstein has corona virus, plagues, Pierre has started drawing ASMR cartoons for YouTube, the craggly to handsome and smooth scale, the Michael Shannon line, Tim Allen, the farm for child stars.Sketches: Pierre feeds a mannequin yoghurt, Phil is in Big BrotherCorrespondence: corridor poo with a wallet, sugary beetle poo Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Neither rain nor snow nor dead of night shall keep Budpod from its appointed tasks. Nor pestilence nor Armageddon shall keep us from chatting about shit, really. Although I suppose now, thanks to you, we can add mucus to the canon. Yes, yes, yes, yes. There's a bit of that now. we can add mucus to the canon yes yes yes yes

there's a bit of that now we're expanding our brand in these difficult times yeah you have to move with the times and Shin Vomit that's yesterday that's so last week

now it's all about aerosol viruses yeah shit shit and vomit and piss is the the 20s yes this is a new decade a new world there's the 20 teens the the the 2020s it's going to be all about stock market collapse, contagion, probably a war at some point. Do you think there'll be a war? Surely everyone's too sick to be fighting. I'd like to think so,

but then maybe one side in some conflict somewhere will be like, hey, they're all sick. I'm very worried about what Russia is getting up to because we haven't heard hide nor hair from our red cousins across the pond yeah i think that that's that's actually quite a good point god knows what that what that lunatic is cooking up i i was thinking like like russia and and especially china as well what with their love of concentration camps and whatever they must just be like uh hey you know people say that our governments aren't nice enough to dissidents but we're helping them self-isolate in these solitary confinement cells you know people people say we're cruel But we've managed to keep the entire

Political opposition really safe In these little Boxes where the disease can't get them Well speaking of Speaking of Forced quarantine Have you seen that Harvey Weinstein Has coronavirus

Yes yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah. The one upside of being put in prison, and he can't even have that. My days. Well, you know, maybe he just tried to bully and trick coronavirus into visiting him in his cell. Oh, man. The one thing he couldn't drug or just just yeah just a bribe or bully or harass what uh he's he is like i know he was trying to

play on public sympathy by using like his little walker and and you know getting all looking all frail and wearing like a suit jacket that's a bit too big for him and whatever yeah um but it just made him look more evil well apparently that's not the when the walker is not really fake he is quite ill i think he's um god he's got diabetes or something he's got some shit i mean you don't do you don't end up looking like that without picking up some health complications along the way all right look i mean stress uh uh can can wreak havoc on a body but i mean like what's interesting to me is like uh it's like how everyone who's arrested for being a serial killer looks like a serial killer yeah yeah yeah once one

because like harvey weinstein like even when he's all hunched over and thin like when he was in his prime which was weirdly only a year ago or whatever and he was just striding around with a big fat face um he was like he was he was slightly taller than me and heavier than me like he's a massive fucker yeah really big um so yeah now that's that's one of the reasons the victims give for how they one of the many reasons you you'd succumb to him because people go well why did he just run away and they're like he's the size of a whale he's literally too big to get around yeah he's huge just his head alone is like three basketballs together or something it's mad and uh three basketball just huge and but now but then once once we've basically all heard the recording where he just admitted to being a sex criminal well to the to

the lady the sort of the Eastern European sounding lady. Yeah, she's Italian-Filipino, which is an accent only you can practice. Wow! Italian-Filipino. Yeah. I guess it's similar. Yeah.

But once you hear that, then you look at him and you just go, well, whatever your appearance changes to, you're still, like the serial killer photos, you still just seem evil. Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is the future, Phil. We're only on...

We're not even on opposite sides of London. We're even closer than that. And yet here we are, quarantined in our homes. Gosh. I didn't think in my lifetime I would see the Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland looking at me down the camera saying, you must stay inside. I mean, this is dramatic stuff. I looked into Boris Johnson's eyes and I thought, did he ever, like, did any of us ever imagine 10 years ago that Prime Minister Boris Johnson would say the phrase, together we can defeat the virus? The guy who got caught in a zip wire.

Yeah, the whiff-waff guy. Oh, man. the whiff whaff guy oh man and it's and like if you showed a clip of that to someone 10 years ago boris johnson saying that and then it cuts to like president donald trump going oh maybe we have some of the best medicine i don't know maybe we don't and then the person would be like oh that's from like time trumpet the armando iannucci satire that's like a dystopian future full of oh but it's a bit too silly to be believable it's fucking crazy man what's your quarantine routine what's your quarin routine i've not hit a routine just yet i'm i'm still just sort of well i get up i guess i make some coffee i make a breakfast today i had scrambled eggs on toast toast. Yeah. On the ends of the loaf, by the way. The bulbous ends of a loaf

that you can't fit in the toaster. I grilled. That's what this has reduced me to. I'm grilling the end of loaves so as not to waste any toast. The end of time, the end of loaves. I should just throw those ends out the window

to the nearest merchant. But now I'm preparing them as toast for breakfast i mean food waste is certainly going to go down you'd think so food waste is going to go down um the number of people realizes they can't eat enough to get through their stockpiles of fresh vegetables like why people stockpile in fresh vegetables we never get to the vegetables in time as it is quick let's stockpiles of fresh vegetables like why are people stockpiling fresh vegetables we never get to the vegetables in time as it is quick let's stockpile all these pears it's a run on the avocados it's like come on those are good for like half an hour i'm uh i'm amazed that people were even stockpiling LuRol,

because obviously it's not a shitting disease. No. But secondly, they don't seem to... Either I am being very careful with my LuRol, but I was looking at these guys, and I was like, you can't be shitting that much. No. Well, I mean, I had a look at our our loo roll situation and we've still not got through

the rolls we had before all this kicked off yeah i think people started realizing oh actually a roll of loo paper actually lasts you a decent amount of time you know yeah and and also like these people are buying like 38 rolls of toilet paper and you just think, you're ill. You're ill. You're ill in the head. So what are your priorities? That you're getting a loo roll before you're getting

food? You don't even have anything to shit out. Well, I might not have any food, but at least I'm not going to embarrass myself at home alone with a shitty asshole. Yeah, now I can ensure that I have a generally clean asshole,

but not as clean as if I just had a shower after every crap. Which I now have the time to do. Which we all have the time to do now. Which I now have the time to do. Which we all have the time to do now.

Oh, my word. I mean, see, this is the trouble, listeners, is that when we recorded those episodes with Adam Hess, where we were saying, oh, I'm sure it'll be like SARS or MERS. It'll be bad, but it'll be quarantine. That's the problem with recording two episodes in a row during uh uh a history defining pandemic yes that is why we are now recording these one a week because yeah i don't

want to this this week say oh i mean the very idea of uh humanity being taken over by a race of giant alien locusts is ridiculous and And then next week I have to go, sorry guys and sorry Locust King. And we have to go... I've jumped the gun there. And then we have to do a really humiliating sponsorship read for the Locust King. And remember, Bud Pod is brought to you by the Locust King.

Behold his mighty wings. But I mean, it doesn't even have to... It wouldn't even be an alien locust race there's a locust plague in East Africa right now I mean how much do those guys have to cope with Jesus Christ oops sorry god damn it

I've got that was just a ping of a reminder on my laptop because even in the apocalypse I have reminders what do you Phil what do you have to do now that there's nothing to do and our industry doesn't exist? It just says remember to lie down

It just says keep at it keep lying down Yeah, but I mean there's an actual plague of locusts, which is... God damn it. I mean, this is lazy writing, really, as far as

the story of the world goes. You can't just copy the Bible. Yeah. Yeah. A plague and locusts. It's not just a plague of locusts. It's a plague and locusts. Yeah, someone misheard it.

God misheard us talking about it. I think they want a plague and locusts. Well, better look out for your first Bond's son there, Pierre. Because I remember they tend to be next on the chopping block. Yes, but we haven't had the toads yet. That was one of them, wasn't it? Toads. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I wonder what, maybe there's a modern translation of what toads would have been. Yeah, maybe. Oh, it must be the sort of American alt-right movement who are characterized by Pepe the Frog. Yes. Maybe that's what Toads are now,

so you have to watch out for a resurgent alt-right. See, we could be evangelical scammers. It's so easy. It's so easy. That's the thing about symbolism, is that it can mean anything, and you can look right if you're skilled enough. Absolutely.

I mean, that's half of the reason for the incredible shelf life of Harry Potter. Hey. Because people just go like, oh, it's full of symbols. It's full of like, oh, that sacrifice is like this. Like, you know, all those memes where people are like,

God, Dominic Cummings is like Snape and then that means Boris Johnson is like Quirrell I see, I see, I see If you just have a book with a bunch of characters who are archetypes you can apply it to literally all of human existence Yes and that's what I liked about Dan Brown's

books, where he literally told you exactly what each thing meant and there was no ambiguity you could not apply it to anything else. This statue means this that person is them. End of story. The angry man was upset.

The clever man looked at the interesting statue and the interesting statue meant that the jewel was downstairs. The end. That's a book. It's like it's written by a robot.

You know he wears gravity boots? What? When Dan Brown is stuck on a book, and God knows how, but when he's stuck... Reading one. Yeah. He locks his feeties into a little pair of gravity boots on the ceiling, on a beam. Oh, no way! And he hangs upside down like a bat.

Yeah, he hangs upside down to get all blood in his mind. Ah! Ah! I don't think that's how the brain works. How long into isolation before you try it? Hmm. This evening? Exactly.

How's your isolation going, Pierre? I watched one of your YouTube doodle videos. Oh, my drawings. Which one did you watch? I watched the first one where you drew a horrible man trying to pull something out of his nose. Oh, my drawings! Which one did you watch? I watched the first one where you drew a horrible man trying to pull something out of his nose. Oh yeah, yes, the horrible elf man. Did you find

it soothing? People have said it's soothing. I did. I had it on in the background as I unloaded the dishwasher. Nice. And it was soothing, I think you're right. It's a bit... It's like... It's sort of like a grotesque ASMR.r yeah i think so and um i'm gonna upload one today which actually took almost like two hours and it's sort of still it's

still not great given that's how long it took but it's a it's a it's a topical cartoon if you guys are listening and you don't know what on earth we're talking about because i have nothing to do and um the global pandemic has essentially removed all of my excuses for not um doing drawings and art again um because i used to be like well i'd love to do it but i have all these uh gigs and stuff and now i have nothing to do so i'm i'm filming myself doing drawings and talking about them quietly to myself like a horrible bob ross and they're all on youtube so um if that sounds good to you and they're very comforting thing to put on because i always put something on and usually i put on a podcast or bbc news to keep up with

what's going on but i don't want to know what's going on at the moment and if you're like me pop on a little bit of pierre drawing know what's going on at the moment and if you're like me pop on a little bit of pierre drawing and it's something to fill the silence without reminding you of uh of um everyday doom although i do mention the plague a few times but only in a dismissive way in a fun way yeah it's quite funny to think of these videos as what archaeologists discover in a few centuries. As the only thing our civilization left behind. It's a guy drawing and going, of course, seeing as we're currently going through a massive plague. And then the archaeologist is like, a plague! That's what did it!

I was saying to myself, drawing the one yesterday, I was saying, imagine if people watch this in like two years and they go, oh, yeah, it's kind of like ASMR, but he's pretending that there's an apocalypse. He's like role-playing that he's trapped in his house and he's being made to do this through boredom. Yeah, it's quite interesting. I don't know why he's trapped in his house and he's being made to do this through boredom. It's quite interesting. I don't know why he's added that in.

Other than that, my routine, I do the drawings, and I've got a pair of bedroom tracksuit bottoms and living room tracksuit bottoms. I put on a fresh pair of tracksuit bottoms today, because the tracksuit bottoms I was wearing yesterday, got some sauce on those are the kind of sartorial decisions i'm having to make on a day-to-day basis i just i just try and now my living room is the outside um

yes and my bedroom is the inside yeah um your house yeah my bedroom is the inside. Yeah, the bedroom's your house. Yeah, my bedroom is my house. And so that means that I wear my grey tracksuit bottoms in my house, my house bedroom. Yeah. And then I wear my waterproof black tracksuit bottoms outside. Waterproof? What are you expecting to happen in the living room? I'm hoping that I develop my own weather. I hope I'm inside so long that I start to create little clouds.

A microclimate. Yeah, exactly. The Pierre's flat microclimate is very rare. A lot of rare plants only exist in that part. But yes, and as we all know, Phil, the reason that it's that way around is that that grey tracksuit bottoms are lingerie for men. Yes, they are. They're very revealing. They're soft to the touch. Incredibly expensive. Yes, yes. And handmade by French people.

Victor's Secret. That sounds like a thrilling adventure novel set in the Grand Canyon. Victor's Secret. Victor's Secret. Sounds like a Dan Brown novel, to be honest. Yeah. Victor had a secret. He is the character with the secret.

Oh, darling. Oh darling I don't care that we're in isolation As long as we're in isolation Together Yes Yes, just like when we first lived together All those years ago Here I am reminiscing Instead of feeding you your yoghurt

There we are Another spoon? You've got it down your chin Messy You know I hope the plague never ends Our families wouldn't understand, I mean they never did I'm sure you'll remember all those letters they sent. I had to keep them from you, of course, but I...

I know you can't read, but I read them to you. Felt like it was important to be honest. Once I'd gotten over the impact. So furious. They were furious. You're just a mannequin, they said. Stop feeding the mannequin yogurt, they said. Your house furious. You're just a mannequin, they said. Stop feeding the mannequin yoghurt, they said. Your house stinks. It stinks. It doesn't even have a mouth hole.

It's just lips. Fibre glass lips. I think they were just jealous. Because they don't have fibre glass lips. They've got terrible fleshy lips like mine that will someday decay. But your lips... They're never going to go away. And you're never going to get any sort of disease either.

They're probably laughing on the other side of their non-fibreglass faces now. Are you watching anything? Me and my sister yesterday we started the hot new Netflix documentary series Tiger King Oh I've seen the trailer for that, it looks absolutely fucking insane. It's crackers it's absolutely crackers, just in case you think oh no now is a Oh, I've seen the trailer for that. It looks absolutely fucking insane. It's crackers.

It's absolutely crackers. Just in case you think, oh, no, now is a crazy time. Just before was also a crazy time. So don't worry, because these people are fucking nuts. Where's it set? It looks very Florida. It's a few states in America. Basically, it's about the American big cat community of fucking nutters who collect and keep tigers and lions. And it turns out they're all fucking crazy.

And maybe a little murderous. Oh. Oh. Well. Maybe the tigers aren't the only killers in the zoo. Very nice. Very nice. I've introduced my flatmate to the TV series of Hannibal.

Oh, yes. I've never been... I don't think I could stomach it. And from hearing what you've said about it, I know I definitely would not be able to stomach it. And from hearing what you've said about it, I know I definitely would not be able to stomach it. It is brutal. But it's brutal in the way that watching an actual medical thing would be brutal.

It's sort of casual in its own way. And then we'll just open up the ribcage and you're like... Because for them it's just like nothing. Yeah. I watched Silence of the Lambs for the first time like two weeks ago Did you? What did you think?

It's good isn't it? Some of the script is absolutely brilliant Some of the dialogue between Hannibal Lecter and what's her name? Nightingale? Clarice Starling

Clarice Starling Some of those lines are just fantastic and what's her name? Nightingale? Clarice Starling. Clarice Starling. Clarice Starling. Some of those lines are just fantastic. And do you know that Anthony Hopkins won an Oscar for it, and he's in it for about 18 minutes? It's amazing, isn't it? It's so much about Hannibal Lecter,

but he doesn't even say that much. Yeah. But then that's the amazing thing is that almost every line he says is so quotable um like when he says to her what did mig say as you walk past or whatever and she she's really embarrassed because he said i can smell your cunt and he just says i see i for one cannot F1 cannot. Do you know who's obsessed with Silence of the Lambs? Who?

Apart from clearly me. John Robbins, fellow podcaster and former Radio 5 Live, now former XFM guy, John Robbins. He knows Silence of the Lambs, I think, off by heart completely wow um and i saw him he's the kind of guy who knows a lot of things off by heart completely yes that is very much on brand for brand robbins um but old uh jay robbins i saw him do comedian cinema club at the fringe a few years ago and it was silence of the lambs and he was getting it like if we'd left him alone and not made any other comedians do it with him he could have just done the film silence of the lambs perfectly but then he was on stage with like i think lou sanders and stuff so it was just you could see him getting frustrated with people not not knowing the film. It was great. Oh, man.

I was that person when Comedian Cinema Club did The Dark Knight. Yes, of course. I basically drove the whole thing scene for scene. That's perfect. Listeners, if you don't know, I often refer to Phil

as essentially a Batman historian. I wish. I wish I could hold such an honourable title. I've not studied for a while now, though. My knowledge is faltering. Well, you've got time. That's true, that's true. We all have nothing but time, time, time, time.

How long until your isolation means that while you're looking out the window with a telescope, you see a murder? I see a murder. Yeah, like rear window. I mean, the people outside the back here, they seem decent enough. here, they seem decent enough. There are a couple of... There was a flat that kept having parties

real late. I think that some students moved in. But that's going to end now. So maybe it's not all doom and gloom. Nice quiet nights for me. God, I'm sleeping so long now. I slept about 9-10 hours last night. I think it's too much, actually. I slept about 9-10 hours last night.

I think it's too much, actually. I think I listened to something recently and said, you can sleep too much. It's not good to sleep too much. I think if you sleep forever, you die. I always assumed that was how I was going to die. If I didn't set an alarm, I wouldn't wake up.

Did you get that thing where if you sleep for like 10 hours or 11 hours or dare we say even 12, you wake up feeling like sick? Well, you wake up feeling sleepy which is the grossest thing. Yeah, you're sleepy but I find there's also a kind of nausea where like your body's going

we haven't done anything for ages. Well, because of my lower back pains, I get all stiffen up, and so I wake up pretty stiff in pain. Is this your lower back thing from ages ago? Yeah.

It sort of comes in and out. I remember the inciting incident. Yeah, that's 2013 Whoa We're old now Yeah, but I mean It's changed in its nature And it's gone away and it's come back

To fill you in on the backstory Listeners Phil bent down On the backstory It's also the pun which is of course the title of David Mitchell's book. Because he started going for long walks as part of something to do with his back. The backstory is that Phil bent over with poor form to pick up his own massive dick.

Yeah. And he wrenched his lower back yes I just I just felt some things pop and it wasn't painful which is the most worrying thing it just felt weird and then I got

home and sat down and my back exploded with pain Jesus but I don't know how bad it was, you know, because I never, I didn't, I was sort of writhing for about a day, and then things sort of settled down. A day is too long to writhe.

No, I mean, people who've put their backs out have been immobile for like a week. I think I got away with it pretty well. And like I did, it wasn't an issue for years. And then, yeah, I don't know. I don't know really. I've never had a great back. So I don't know if I would have got to this point anyway.

Because being tall and hunching as I always have. Yes. It leads to this kind of thing are you going to be an indoor yoga boy well yeah I'm going to have to my sister's got a mat I'm going to have to get a mat and do some pilates on my own

I reckon how are you going to spend your one allowance of exercise a day Pierre I think I'm going to spend it doing... I'm going to run around Finsbury Park coughing on all the handrails.

As a policeman watches you and goes well, it is his only one of the day. Can't do anything. Yeah, he's a handrail cougher and there's nothing we can do. Yeah, I was sort of amazed to watch boris johnson last night doing this speech but i was kind of amazed it took us this long um to to say you know what

you can't we can't actually trust the british public not to go to the pub obviously can you imagine someone saying do you know who do you know who voluntarily stopped going to the pub entirely without pubs actually shutting? The British public. Well, yeah, I was thinking about this because for someone like me it's a nuisance not to be able to go to the pub if I want to. But for a lot of people, it's literally their life.

Like, if you live in a rural area, because I've stayed in, I recently stayed in an inn for a tour show and like the people there are locals and regulars

and they're there every day and that is their community, that is where they go, it is their life yeah, like you can't expect them to willfully willingly stop doing that. It's just not going to happen. You've got to,

you've got to shut it down. The same just goes for London where they're not even local. It's just like, well, this is London and whatever. And I don't understand the seriousness of this. And the other thing that amazed me was, Oh God,

what was I going to say? The pub thing, but also the, Oh God, what was I going to say? The pub thing, but also the... Oh god, my brain is rotting, I think, from being indoors. So much. I think I'm losing my mind a little bit. I think that's going to gradually come through. The drawings are going to be like a serial killer's diary in a film.

Just as you flick through them, they just get worse and worse and weirder and weirder and they go, around about this point is where we think it really tipped over the edge. 10,000 sketchbooks on these shelves and in each book ... ... Getting slowly hunted

down by Morgan Freeman, the doodler! But yeah, and the one form of exercise a day, I don't know how they're going to enforce that, but I'm sure they'll find a way. I mean, I think they're being extremely optimistic that someone like me is going to do exercise every day. Yes. Well, I'm quite annoyed because i'm still a bit sick so i i'm i'm quite easily tired from and you've been sick for ages huh yeah this is um as as we're talking now i've been sick for

well basically 14 days um so it should be going away now and it is but it's just it's it's leaving really slowly like someone who's shit at leaving a house party oh god yeah this yeah it's it's 6 a.m and they're like you don't have any beer left and you go no and you think that's going to get them away and they're like oh it's okay i'll go to the shop and like, ah! Well, that thing where someone says goodbye to you and then, because they're overly sociable, they're saying goodbye to everyone and you see them 45 minutes later

having a goodbye chat. And you have to do that thing where it's like, oh, I thought you were leaving 45 minutes ago and they go, oh, I still am! Then you have to squeeze past them to go to the toilet you're immune now though maybe I'd like to thank all the pod buds

of which there are so many they heard the podcast where I talked about having no sense of taste or smell and at that point it was the girl from Frozen and nadine dory's the mp who and a few german and iranian news articles that talked about coronavirus having no sense of taste or smell as a symptom but then it hit the uk press and the american press forbes magazine did a piece on it and so many pod buds sent me links to the news articles going you've got it you've got it, you've got it!

Oh wow. That's neat, because you said it unprovoked. Yeah, I just said it. I was just talking about it. So they must have heard it, and they must have felt like you guys listening must have felt like you know like in medical dramas when a doctor is like

watching a it's like often, sometimes it happens in like House or Scrubs. They're watching like a news reporter and their like partner in the room is like, what's wrong with his hands? He keeps and they go, oh, wait a minute. And they diagnose him like through the TV. Yes.

Yeah, that must have been very satisfying for our podcast. Yeah, they must have felt good. And I want to say to you guys, thank you. And it should have felt good. You were being good people. Day one at Phil Wang's house. Phil cooks too much spaghetti and has already exhausted a supply that's meant to last him three weeks. Day two. Phil records an episode of his podcast Budpod with his friend Pierre Noveli over the phone. He doesn't tell Pierre that he's naked the entire time. Day three. Phil's sister is fed up with how much toilet paper he gets through and tells him to just use a plate like a normal person.

Day 4. Phil wakes up and realises it was all a dream. Day 5. Phil wakes up from that and realises that that was the dream and the lockdown is real, he goes back to sleep. Day six. Phil's sister manages to find some pasta bows at a co-op and he weeps with joy before making himself a bolognese and eating it off some toilet paper. I keep sort of wishfully thinking I have I have

it and I'm such a legend that I hardly notice because like from time to time my chest gets a bit tight and my head gets hot and I go and sometimes something doesn't smell as strong as it usually does, and I go,

maybe I have it. You might. My immune system is so fucking killer that it only ever gets about half an hour to emerge at a time. But, I mean, that is pretty much what I'm thinking. Like a prisoner. Yeah. Half an hour of rec time. But, I mean, that is pretty mutual thinking. Like a prisoner. Yeah. Half an hour of rec time. Out in the yard.

Yeah, I'm annoyed, though, because otherwise I'd like to think that by now I would be doing a sort of an amount of push-ups that imply that I'm a guy who's in jail like like like uh um cape fear i'm just i'm just getting fit to take revenge you know i've not seen it like he like he's in his prison cell doing loads of push-ups and stuff

he's just getting strong for when he leaves so he can kill all his enemies oh nice one that sounds like a movie i'd like that's a counter monte cristo essentially well no it's not enemies so much as you know you you have seen cape fear because you've seen the sideshow bob episode where he gets out of jail and gets released and hunts down bart and they end up on that boat going down the river ah okay that's basically cape fear okay. Yeah. That's something I can finally do. Catch up on all these fucking movies and shows I've seen by now. Yeah, yeah, good call. Good, good, good, good, good.

I watched The Iceman the other day. What's that? It's Michael Shannon and his frowny, frowny face. Okay. And he's playing a sort of slightly fictionalized version of a real-life mafia hitman

from the 70s and 80s. Oh, okay. And he goes around hitmanning people. Yeah, and frowning and not reacting to stuff. And everyone's like, wow, this guy's cold as ice. Oh, yeah. Michael Shannon. He's got a great face. Michael Shannon.

Man, if you want a guy with a craggly frown... He's as craggly as you can get whilst still being quite handsome. That's as evil as a man can look before he starts looking ugly. That's our new scale. The Shannon line. The Shannon line. He's between craggly evil and handsome smooth. The Shannon line. He's between craggly evil and handsome smooth.

Right, yeah. Someone like... What was his name? Lee... No Country Old Men, you know. Oh. Thingy Lee. Christopher Lee. No, John Lee, Jackie Lee

Thing Lee something What the fuck's his name? People are screaming Let's see Look it up Who's the Something Lee Jones Tommy Lee Jones

He's into the ugly side of Craig Lee He's right of the Shannon line. Yeah, he's just above Shannon. Yeah. And I would say the far end of Handsome Smooth is probably, what, a fully clean-shaven Chris Evans? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Completely plain. I think we said before, the default face on an rpg video game before

you've made any edits yeah but like default hero face yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah or or and also i will say like young like 1990s era leonardo dicaprio that kind of smoothness yeah yeah he's even to the left of chris evans yeah where you're essentially a sort of boy boy boy man yeah whereas yeah right of tommy lee jones is um the guy from uh the drum fast so i'll punch you in the face what's his name he's got a couple of letters tr what's his name jr talking what's his name he's got a couple of letters tr what's his name jr tolkien what's his name he's he's in loads of shit he's in fucking everything what's his name tj wrinklehead what's his name tj wrinklehead i think it's tj wrinklehead right i think it's J.T. Kragle's.

Yeah, he's starting to get craggly enough to be threatening and sort of evil. Yeah. Who's far right? Emperor Palpatine? Yeah. J.K. Simmons, that's his name. J.K. Simmons.

Emperor Palpatine and Keith Richards. He looks quite evil, like an evil pirate. Oh, he's quite a nice pirate, I think. Yeah, but that's because we know him. But if you just saw his face looming out of a fishing boat at midnight. Oh, you know who is very far right on that scale? Hank. Not Hank.

Mike from Breaking Bad. You know, the scale, Hank. Not Hank, Mike from Breaking Bad. You know, the bald handyman. He looks like a furious old onion. Yes, he does. He looks exactly... I don't know if you've read Sin City, but the yellow bastard.

Yes, and he looks quite like him in the film, too. Because they've given him that kind of upside-down, teardrop- shaped head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's some young guy they got to play him in the film too because they've given him that kind of upside down teardrop shaped head yeah yeah but it's some young guy they got to play him in the film they should have got mike from breaking bad he looks exactly like him already um i've been catching by the way better call soul do you watch better call soul yes i've been watching it oh it's the best i love it i'm watching it week by week now i'm not caught up I have to wait every week now I've done the same thing it's really good isn't it are you all the way caught up

I think I'm one episode behind oh nice one I think it's fantastic it's really good yeah have you ever seen clips of the Bob Odenkirk who plays Saul Goodman have you ever seen clips of his stand up

no I've seen him and I've seen his sketch show I've seen Mr Bob Odenkirk, who plays Saul Goodman. Have you ever seen clips of his stand-up? No, I've seen him and I've seen his sketch show. I've seen Mr. Show, which is really good. And he's also the producer of Tim and Eric. Is he? The original producer, they sent him tapes and stuff back in the day. Wow. And he looked at the tapes because the way they'd done it was that uh

they'd enclosed like um a blank like a check made out to them for him to send them for the tapes like you better pay us for these um and he thought that was funny yeah in the 80s and later he was a stand-up he like like like used to be able to happen um and it's sort of all right but it's like very 80s and he's in like a sort of black t-shirt and stuff it's really funny seeing him do it i swear in the 80s in america a man had to do one stand-up set and then he had a tv show i swear to god they literally talk about it in like those out of date how to make it in comedy books where it's like well you get yourself your funniest seven minutes, and you do it over and over again until you get on Carson, and then you do

Montreal, and then it's sitcom time. Yeah. Absolutely. It's amazing. Tim Allen was a stand-up. Yeah. Tim Allen was convicted, I think, of smuggling either coke or weed on a plane.

No, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a fame... He's a fame... Sir, we found a kilogram of cocaine stuffed in your rectum. They put a hand on his shoulder. I don't think so, Tim. He has to go to Wilson over the fence for legal advice

wilson what do you what would you do if you're caught with a kilogram of cocaine up your asshole through going through an international airport well tim that's quite a doozy it reminds me of the dalai lama or something. I love that show. We watched that show all the time as kids. It was on the Disney Channel in Malaysia. I don't know if you had it in South Africa. We had it in South Africa. For some reason, the diet of post-colonial countries television

seems to have been decided centrally somewhere. Yeah, I know. It was all Disney Channel, Nickelodeon. I don't know if you got cinemax well we'd we'd south africa you could get cable but like uh we had these this stuff on like um our own weird tv channels so we had like uh fresh prince of bel- The Cosby Show, which now, in hindsight, is a chilling piece of art. Cosby Show, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Simpsons. We had WWF Smackdown after the local

news. It was crackers. When someone's just riffing a TV channel's vibe. What kind of TV channel are we? He's like, I don't know. Put the wrestling on. I don't know.

They haven't done that thing like the BBC have, where it's like, oh, I think it's more BBC One than BBC Two. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've just gone, look, it's all on the channel. But it's TV, isn't it? It's pictures and noise. Put it on. Put them on in any order we don't care

it's it's 5 p.m on a friday and there's going to be a documentary about worms and then wrestling and and then the news and then the simpsons we don't know now simpsons is always six o'clock it's always yeah we um we but yeah we had oh what was that one Full House we had as well oh we never got that yeah see we had Full House with the again

in hindsight a sort of quite creepy piece of art of the Olsen twins oh that's what they were in yeah that's what kicked them off. There were like five in that and you go, wow, you were really fucked from the start. Yeah, not a chance. They should,

they genuinely need to like, like Hollywood should club together, right? Do a GoFundMe and they should buy an enormous stretch of land in Montana where there's nothing

except horses and fields and distant misty mountains and it should just be if you are in something big and successful when you are under 10 when you turn 18 you should be sent to the big farm sent to the farm upstate

yeah is this a rehabilitation it's rehab because they're just going to be like look we're operating on the assumption that you need to go to rehab anyway by now it's it's it's rehab but also it's like um it's the way they treat like prize horses like they don't race them to death you know yeah okay okay and also like we should turn um hayley joel osmond into glue yes that's exactly what i'm saying all the brady bunch glue um the um sticky but this well this brady bunch branded glue seems like a kind of irrelevant

product uh launch to do with the brands like yeah yeah uh but yeah and like because basically a lot of those child stars disappear from fame until they're 30 and they're cast in a gritty uh crime drama anyway of course so why don't we just formalize the process and it's like you're allowed to leave the farm once you've spent time at the lovely lovely relaxing farm going to to university or doing high school properly and just calming down. And then we're going to release you back into Hollywood at the age of 30 to 31 when you've got a bit craggly

and you can play the stalker in an episode of Law & Order SVU. So yeah, essentially like they're a big cat. A big cat that's been rescued from a crazy

collector. Yeah, a crazy circus cat, and you'll be treated as such. Yeah, let's do that. Once this is all over, we should put all our efforts into opening this farm. The Montana Farm, the Montana Rehabilitation

Center for Dirty Little Boys and Dirty Little Girls. Shall we do some correspondence? We must. Ring letters. Email. Phone calligraphy.

Your sister. Correspondence Go and re-unspun and dance Correspondence Amy gets in touch Amy, never Lamy No Hello again Tweedlebum and Tweedlepee Yes, we've had her recently haven't

Amy was in touch last week wasn't she well in touch we read one of Amy's messages last week she says I sent you a poopy tail a few weeks ago ah ok she says but on my walk home today I remembered a solid gold turd of a story that I'd meant to send you the first time I got in touch

they can repeat on you ah yes so she says our building a story that I'd meant to send you the first time I got in touch. They can repeat on you. So she says, our building has about 150 flats in it, and there is a Facebook group for residents. It's mostly used for selling old furniture or trying to find parcels.

However, every now and then there's something more interesting. About a year ago, I saw this post. I've sent you the screenshots. So, this is from the admin. As in the admin of the group. She says, I've screenshotted the best comments separately to try and convey the tension and anticipation I felt waiting for each new update. And so, suddenly, someone posts this, this right the administrator posts this on the group hi everyone with regards to what happened last night i think we can all agree that the act itself

was a vile and disgusting thing to find in the property and no one when something is when something is described only as the act. You know it was disgusting. Caught in the act. It was a violent, disgusting thing to find in the property, and no one should feel scared in their own home. God. How big was this thing? Well, I know many of us have contacted,

I think it's the building administrator. oh yes, with no response yet. Surprise, surprise. Bit of banter there. But hopefully the waste and the culprit can be dealt with appropriately and swiftly. Can we all please try and keep a civil and respectful tone when discussing things? We can all feel strongly regarding what happened and how the act itself is disgusting. However, please refrain from using language that can dehumanize and degrade people. Whoa.

Oh, my God. There were about five comments expressing disgust before someone actually revealed what happened. So here's a comment. Wow. So this guy took a dump in the corridor, and this person has asterisked out the two internal letters of dump. Wow, okay.

As if dump is a swear word. Has this person just assumed all literal four-letter words have to have at least one letter asterisked out? Like he's asterisking out the A in what and stuff. Well, how do we know it's dump, maybe?

It's damp. This guy took a damp in the corridor. Wow, so this guy... Which is another word for wee. A drip? A drip, yeah. That would be a wee, yeah. So this guy took a dump in the corridor, censored, then clearly fell into his own,

I'm assuming, crap, because he censored that again. C star star P. He didn't fall into his own coop, I don't think. Camp? Camp, yeah. Fell into his own camp? Wow, so this guy took a dump in the corridor, and then clearly fell into his own crap,

and dropped his wallet next to it before leaving the scene Oh my god, he left his identification That's like the tutorial level of a detective video game Where? What evidence do you see? Maybe there's a wallet next to it He's like Poo Zorro

ah his calling card yeah he's gone you tell everyone you know that it was Jimmy Knuckles who shat on this carpet the only person whose calling card is also their debit card and he needs it back so wow

this guy took a dump in the corridor then clearly fell into his own crap and dropped his wallet next to it before leaving the scene. And then there's an emoji here, which is the... the thinking-on-the-chin-hand emoji. Wow. The hmm emoji. Wow.

It's always funny to see a flippant use of an emoji in such a serious and disgusting situation. Well, see, now he gets philosophical, this guy. So he does the thinking emoji, and then he says, this person must have woken up wondering what his

life has become, dot dot dot. And then he adds, I didn't think this was possible. And then we get a reply from someone who says he didn't leave the scene. He was sleeping in the corridor. Imagine my delight, continues Amy. Someone took a shit in the corridor, fell in the shit, dropped his wallet and then fell asleep. I don't get people who take a shit when they corridor, fell in the shit, dropped his wallet, and then fell asleep. I don't get people

who take a shit when they're out of it. I understand vomiting, because you can't stop that. But maybe even pissing myself. But even then, you always have the wherewithal to find a wall or a little dark corner. But to be so out of it,

you go, I can't do anything but take this dump right now I can't picture it it's so weird it's so extreme it's so bad that's such a funny thing to say

it's so bad that's all that can be said it's so bad it's so bad it's so bad that's so like direct and clear that it's kind of charming that's so funny it's like

you've just left the corridor with a sleeping shit streaked man and come out and go it's so bad it's so bad in there what he's done come out and go, it's so bad. It's so bad in there. What he's done, what he's done, it's so bad. So the comment,

then someone says, I agree with you so and so. I'm sorry, but I can't be tolerant at this stage. I can't be tolerant at this stage, they say. At this stage. I can't be tolerant at this stage, they say. At this stage. At this stage of all stages. The post-shit-in-the-corridor stage.

I have a shit next to my door. Not this stage. This is a stage too far. Yeah, this is a stage too far. And I have a seven-month-old daughter. Aww. Who presumably is doing her own shits. Yeah, and this is setting a terrible example for her.

Yeah, how can I convince her to stop shitting anywhere other than the loo if there's a grown man sleeping in the corridor in his own shit? How am I supposed to look my child in the eye and tell her not to shit in the corridor?

When she sees people out there shitting in corridors. People like this clumsy man. They continue, there is also another child living in front of me. In front of me. That's such a strange way of putting it.

In front of me. It must be English as a second language. There's putting it. In front of me. It must be English as a second language. There's another child living in front of me! Every day this child is living right fucking in front of me. I wake up and there it is in front of me. Living. No contractor has been here yet. They continue and the person who did it is simply ignoring it.

That's a bold move to just ignore your own corridor shit but surely they know who it is if this person yeah their wallet well this person says i'm pretty sure he knows what he did the police made him aware last night the individual was sleeping in the corridor and the police walked him home the administrators probably know who this guy is they said they will take action the area was cleaned today around 6 p.m that is too long to take to it. So from the morning till 6pm? Yeah, well then Amy continues saying, I don't know what's happened to the drunken shitter, but the carpet still hasn't

been replaced. Oh, it's a carpet. Oh, God. Before I sign off, I would like you to know that every time I'm sad or annoyed, my husband now says binbag's wife, binbag's life. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! sad or annoyed, my husband now says binbag's wife, binbag's life. Keep on jacking it, Amy!

Bye, Amy, thank you very much. Yeah, that's a lovely story. That's funny. And we'll do this one more correspondence from Leilani. Leilani! What a name, that's beautiful.

Very fanny. Assuming I'm saying it correctly. Leilani, very fanny. Dear Spill and Spear. That's cute. That sounds like a nice get-through pub. Spill and Spear, yes! They do an unusual version of a hog roast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got a miso glaze. Yeah, they've thumbed a load of star anise into it. Dear Spill and Spear, love the pod. As a zoologist by training... Oh!

The study of zoos. As a zoologist by training, your podcast prompted me to ponder the great diversity of excreta within the animal kingdom. Yes, this is what we have always wanted to achieve.

We are the... Who's the guy who did Cosmos? Oh, Patrick Moore. No. No, Cosmos. Oh no, he did The Sky at Night. What's Cosmos? Cosmos. The American

one. Yeah. Carl Sagan. With a Carl Sagan appoo. Yes, with a Carl Sagan appoo yes with a Carl Sagan appoo see Phil they're going for the American version I went for Sir Patrick Moore how will we ever get on and I only remembered who Sir Patrick Moore

is because do you remember Weeble stuff the Flash cartoons absolutely not Weeble stuff yeah it was like a kind of talking egg oh they did little Flash loops and songs you will have seen Yeah, it was like a kind of talking egg. Oh. They did little flash loops and songs. You will have seen some of their songs.

Magical Trevor. You're just saying words to me now. Yeah, all right. Well, they did a whole song about Patrick Moore playing the xylophone. And now that's going to be in my head all day. You're welcome. Thank you. So she's looking into the diversity of excreta within the animal kingdom. During my studies, I have learned that spider poo has the appearance and consistency of correction fluid.

Correction. Oh, Tippex. Tippex, yes. Other correction fluids are available. So if you run out of Tippex... Get a spider to shit all over your homework. Yeah, just look for a spider who's had a bit of food poisoning. Or a drunk spider who's dropping his wallet.

I always thought that Tippex was quite fascinating because it was like, well, I better cover up my mistake with this massive blob of paint. I know, I know. Surely this is worse. This is much worse than just crossing it out, isn't it? Yeah, unless you wrote like Dear Cunt instead of Dear

Alan, and you go, oh shit. But even then, if Alan really wanted to know what you initially thought of him, he could just scrape it off. Forensically, yeah, that's true. So, spider poo is like correction fluid, while praying mantises produce perfectly

spherical little shits. That must be what they're praying for. Please let it be circular again. Please, Mantis God Make my poo the roundest poo in the jungle Please Please, I can't cope if it's going to not be a circle Please

Sir, sir, what are the praying mantises praying for? Never mind You'll find out when you're older You'll find out when you're older. You'll find out on the farm. Leilani continues, I've been racking my brain for a whole 15 minutes trying to decide what is the strangest

animal poo, but would appreciate your expert opinion, as I'm honestly stuck. So, she gives us two candidates. Okay. One of which is exotic, one of which is less exotic I would say. Ooh, a lovely range.

Yeah. Candidate number one, sooty beach scale insects. Sooty beach scale insects. Yes, and I think Sooty Beach might be a kind of beach tree, it's beach with a double E Oh, okay, okay, okay, that helps

Sooty Beach Scale Insects, okay Or maybe beach is the tree and these are sooty, the sooty version of the beach scale insects Yes, yes, yes So they live under the bark of beach trees Fun, lovely, cosy They feed from the fluids of beach trees fun, lovely, cozy they feed from the fluids

of the tree yum yum yum and they excrete the excess sugar so it's called honeydew she puts in quotes which is a good bit of marketing there it's not

sweet shit, it's honeydew it's honeydew so they excrete the shit, it's honeydew. So they excrete the excess sugar, or honeydew, out of long, fibrous anal tubes. These sugar-shit straws are so abundant... Do you know what anal tubes sound a bit like? A very precise jazz musician.

Oh, man. Anal tubes, man. You could try to get that guy to improvise. He wouldn't. He was very specific about the tones he'd play. He would only play jazz if it was by notation. Cleanest trumpet on the scene, anal tubes.

You could eat your dinner off his trumpet. And if you tried to, he'd have a massive panic attack. Anal tubes. Oh, fucking hell. So they feed on the fluids of the tree and excrete the excess sugar or honeydew out of long, fibrous anal tubes. These sugar-shit straws are so abundant

in New Zealand's southern beach forests that they form the basis of an entire ecosystem. Wow! And they're full of sugar, so they're full of energy. It's a key energy source for native birds, other insects and lizards, although in recent decades, invasive wasps have disrupted this food web by monopolising the honeydew.

Ah. Is there any context in which wasps aren't a piece of shit? God. They're the mafia of the animal kingdom coming in and extorting the wasps. The only thing I know that even eats wasps

is badgers. Wow. We don't thank them enough. Yeah, that's right. We should stop gassing them. Or we should keep doing it. I don't know enough about bovine TB. Anyway, candidate number two. So that's candidate number one.

That's a pretty strange animal poo. Sugar tubes. Yep. Anal tubes, yeah. Candidate number two. Birds are everywhere, and we just accept that their acid droppings corrode car paint do they yeah wow they're acid they're very acidic i think yeah gosh yeah so and also it's weird that their piss and shit is just one cloaca thing firing it out they're essentially dropping

chemical bombs yeah they're napalming they're napalming us all Yeah. They're napalming. They're napalming us all the time. They're napalming cars. Gosh. And so what is the competition here for the strangest poo? Yeah. So I think what Leilani is going for there is that she's found a poo that is strange in its exoticness and the fact that it's basically made of sugar. poo that is strange in its exoticness and the fact that it's basically made of sugar.

Whereas she's countered that with a more like a, ah, there is wonder all around us kind of option. Of like, if you think about it, it's only just because we're used to it that things are covered in acid bird shit all the time. Of course, of course.

So those are our options. What do you think? Well, I, just for the sake of variety and interest, I'm going to go for the sweet anal tubes. I think we Well, just for the sake of variety and interest, I'm going to go for the sweet anal tubes. I think we have to go for the sweet anal tubes because as much as she's... Well, I assume Leilani is a lady. I don't know.

Leilani's point about the birds is a good point. However, there are loads of other kinds of birds and things like birds that do shits like that, whereas there's only one tube of sugar that's also a poo. Yeah, exactly. You know?

It would be different if it was like, well, there's a beetle in New Zealand that does these long anal tube sugar poos. But, you know, my chihuahua does logs of pure glassy cherry sugar out of its arsehole. Exactly. For pure uniqueness, it has to go to anal tubes. I mean, because, like, I shit acid sometimes. Oh!

If it's been a particularly big night. How diabetic. You can tell if someone's diabetic if they have sweet urine. Yeah, yeah. Who was one of the singers, I think, with Anal Tubes. Sweet urine. Sweet urine. Sweet urine.

How unbelievably diabetic must you be if you have really a sugary poo? Yeah, God. Just Nutella. Yuck. Horrible. It is yuck. The duck's like, wow, I'm afraid it's got to your poo. You're so full of sugar that your poo is frankly delicious.

Right, well, that's pretty much... you're so full of sugar that your poo is frankly delicious. Right. Well, that's the good news is you're self, you're self-sustaining now. Yes. You've you're, you're the first loop. Right.

That's the podcast. That's pretty much it. Yeah. Thanks so much for listening guys. I'm hoping everything's going all right do do recommend us to anyone who you think is going bored out of their fucking mind in quarantine and do watch pierre's uh youtube doodles oh yes yes if you like um if you imagine the voice i'm using now but quietly talking about why i'm drawing a horrible egg then you're going to love it I highly recommend it

but until next week have a good enforced lockdown yes have a good sort of World War 2 experience that we can use to belittle our own children's generation at last we have something

at last yes we got two recessions and a plague. Okay. Bye, everyone. Goodbye. Bye.