BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 56 - Lockdown 2: The Lockening

Episode Date: April 1, 2020

Pierre Novellie and Phil Wang discuss Death Stranding: throwing poo at ghosts, No-context Japan, the mafia’s real-estate business, everyone’s gone baking mad including Phil, football is annoying Pierre from beyond the grave, Phil is cooking like a fancy boy again and Pierre might join him, rumours of the Fringe’s demise, large ticketed SLAMS. Correspondence: haemorrhoids chat, KOJI Jack, Chloe Petts nominates Pierre, more wooden laser merchandise tat!   Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's episode 56. Episode 56. Last week we forgot entirely to even mention what number it was, which is not like us. It's unusual for us, but also I think it symbolizes the fact that time has ceased to have all meaning. Time is irrelevant, rules are irrelevant. It could be the weekend, maybe it's not. are irrelevant it could be the weekend maybe it's not um you know the one side effect of this lockdown is that now everyone finally knows what it's like to be a stand-up comedian because this is kind of what it feels all the time that's true and and with like uh um a lot more people have have that experience in terms of like no guarantee of work um yes the vague feeling that you should be doing something all day A lot more people have that experience in terms of no guarantee of work.

Yes. The vague feeling that you should be doing something all day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm very good at avoiding that. Even in these conditions, I'm finding I don't have time. I don't know. That's how good I am at doing nothing. I'm still rushed.

You're really good at being busy and yet completely still. I mean, we're recording this a bit late because I got caught up playing Death Stranding on my PlayStation. Is it very therapeutic to play a game where your job is just to run around outside?

It is, although the post-apocalyptic element in a barren hellscape where no human contact is possible anymore is not quite the escapism I'd hoped it would be. No, that part must be quite similar. Is there no human contact? No, no, not really.

Everyone's a hologram pretty much a hologram all right yeah yeah because everyone because basically the rain um has become um able to turn put things forward in time so this is rain whatever the rain hits is accelerated through time so if you get caught in the rain without any protective gear you'll just become very old and die so if you get caught in the rain it's like in Indiana Jones

when the guy picks the wrong holy grail that's right yeah but in rain form fast forward old guy time yes I'm afraid the rain causes fast forward old guy time yes i'm afraid the rain causes fast forward old guy time um so that so okay so that is is there still like grass and stuff because i guess the grass just keeps being grass over and over yeah well it's quite it's quite neat when you get caught in the

rain and so the rain starts falling you look down on the ground and it's just sprouting and dying and sprouting and dying. All these flowers just go through the entire life cycle in fast forward. It's really nice attention to detail. Oh, wow. Oh, man. It's fucking crackers as a story. It's absolutely crazy.

I've seen my flatmate play it a bit. There seems to be a bit where he has to intermittently soothe a baby that's trapped in a bubble on his chest. That's right. That's right. You have to soothe your baby when it gets scared so that it can help you see ghosts. Right. But then you kill the ghosts by throwing vials of your own blood and poo at it.

What? Yeah, so much like a chimp, you attack things by throwing your own faeces at it. So if you blood poo a ghost, it goes away? Yeah, it seems to be. I'm not far enough in the game to know exactly what my shit or my piss does. Or my shower effluent, which is another weapon. I still don't quite know what they do, but the blood is working out very well. But this game's from Japan, right?

Obviously. I didn't even need to tell you that. Yeah, yeah, okay. Obviously. I didn't even need to tell you that. Yeah, yeah, okay. Pierre has never heard of this game. He just heard those elements and instantly knew it was made by a Japanese person. You have to throw piss at a ghost. Is it Japanese? Yes.

This is the accessible stuff. I was talking to your friend and mine, George Forekis, friend of the podcast and very funny man um from the the the white one from daphne for anyone who saw phil sketch group uh and me and george george was commenting on something i said to him while we were playing mario kart in the before time when socializing was allowed um yeah the the before time. Yeah, the before time. And I said, we were playing Mario Kart and talking about how I was a plumber

driving a motorcycle through an underground Victorian mansion collecting currency that made me go faster. And I just said, if you want to enjoy anything from Japan, the first thing you have to do is completely accept a total lack of context. Yeah, yeah. The Japanese don't need exposition. And I think that's quite a freeing element, a freeing characteristic. Yeah, they have such a high expectation of people to just go,

Okay. Yeah, they expect, they have this, such a high expectation of people to just go, okay. Yeah. Whereas I think in the UK you'd have to go, so there's this baby in your chest that you have to soothe so you can see ghosts. And I think people in the UK at every level of society would have questions. Yeah. Whereas the Japanese seem to just say, well, how often is the baby upset? They're immediately practical. They completely accept the conditions they're presented with.

But it's such a superpower to not be bothered with explaining things. Like, can you imagine, like Pokemon could not have been made anywhere else in the world. It would not have got off the ground. No, they would have said, but people will ask why. Yes, why are you trapping these? Are they animals? Are they animals in a ball?

And they can all fit in there. No matter how big the animal is? Yeah, it's a ball of lasers, but they're not hungry when they come out or anything particularly. But they do eat. it's a ball of lasers but they're not like they're not hungry when they come out or anything particularly but they do the competition and do they win money is there a current is there a currency in pokemon or is it just a smaller pokemon there does seem to be a currency i seem to remember coin him on a poke cash like a tiny really tiny pokemon currency i think it might be Pokecoins. My Fiverr is walking away.

Yeah, because Meowth from Team Rocket is obsessed with money and coins. Oh, okay. Very stereotypical depiction of a cat there. Yeah, well, me and George were talking talking about how much stuff like when you're a kid you're watching japanese cartoons and you're just sort of going like you just have to accept it you just go well of course that's a school child they're dressed as a victorian sailor what else would that be other than someone between the ages of 4 and 12 who is at school every uh the start of every japanese tv show feels as if you're in the middle of season five right the the the intro is like seven seasons yeah

have you seen pacific rim No, I haven't. Oh, it's great. Here's a Wang tip for a little isolation viewing. Pacific Rim is, you know vaguely what it's about. It's about people... The big mecha fighters. Mecha fighters, because gigantic monsters have returned to the Earth and they've come up from the bottom of the sea.

Oh, like Cthulhu style yeah so the governments of the world began designing and building giant robots with which to fight them and the movie explains this all in the first 30 seconds of the movie it's great they just go uh yeah so a long a while ago some animals came out with animals the monsters came out of the ground and then uh then America built loads of robots and people can control the robots and here we go! And then you're straight into the film. It's great.

I love that kind of thing where a film starts with the equivalent of like an out of breath eight year old. Yes. Where it's just a kid going, and then there's monsters and then, anyway, okay okay go look at it now and as opposed to every batman movie where they have to show us the parents getting shot

again and again and again yeah and and they also have to have a scene where batman goes ah something about bats maybe it's like's like Spider-Man with Uncle Ben and also making his own uniform. Yeah. Yeah, at this point we've seen Peter Karpaka sewing more than we've seen him swinging. Like you'd be forgiven for thinking he

sewed the webs. What's the Spider-Man? He's like a seamster? Is he a hero? Yeah, he's like a very, you know, home economics kind of kid. What's the Spider-Man where he unaccountably tries to

compete in some sort of warehouse WWE? Oh, that's the first one. The first one of the Sam Raimi films. Yeah. That was weird to me because it's like a sort of a WWE underground version in a warehouse somewhere is a lot more hipstery than criminally, you know? It now is.

I think back then. Yeah, it's certainly not criminally, is it? No, it's not threatening an underground highly choreographed slightly camp wrestling scene yeah and you keep expecting to see a massive Camden Hells logo on the wall somewhere

it's like craft beer and stuff where it's like I remember someone made that joke about neck tattoos didn't they about how they used to be scary and now they're not. Yeah, now you're a brewer, but it used to be like, I kill people for the Hell's Angels. Yes, yes, yes.

A lot of stuff that's supposed to be criminally in warehouses now, it's like, warehouses are expensive, man. You can't just have a lab in a warehouse. That's a lot of money you're throwing away. I yesterday i well two days ago i watched oceans 11 i've never seen oceans 11 before oh really do you watch the modern one yeah yeah well the first of the modern ones yeah and they they do all these preparations and uh they they bring they get together a crack team of 11 experts and all to break into these casinos to get all this money because they need money.

But they're somehow able to stage and practice all this secretly in a huge warehouse they've just rented across the road from the exact casinos they're going to hit. And the entire time I was thinking, where have they rented this? How much did it cost to rent that warehouse? All the paperwork must've gone into that. How have they done?

That was the most unbelievable bit of the whole movie. Have they done like a massive mock-up and stuff as well? Yeah. So they, they build a replica of the vault to practice in right so that's god knows how many carpenters and like welders and stuff and it's like well we've had to we've had to hire most of uh the new york's broadway set designers just for this secret warehouse you know there's no way not everyone in town knows about this now yeah well i always had that question with

the saw movies oh yeah where it's just like uh hey we're looking for this old man who is the an evil puppet as well and he kills people with elaborate stuff and the police are like god where could he be hiding this elaborate torture chamber it It's like, well, a warehouse. He's not in a house, is it? It's not his flat. It's clearly somewhere industrial. And they go like, oh, if only we had some sort of tips. And it's like, well, ask the public if they've seen

an absolutely knackered old man doing loads of DIY on his own in a warehouse. And sitting with, like, sticking his... Huh? I'm just wondering if I missed part of the Saw backstory where they established Jigsaw is just a disgruntled

retired property developer. Lots of throw cushions in the barbed wire tunnel. Yeah, I mean lots of throw cushions in the barbed wire tunnel yeah i mean i just and and he's like sat with sticking his tongue out and doing diagrams and having to like measure things and he's having to come he's having to build it he's having to come around to the next warehouse and go do you guys know what voltage the inline is for the uh the wiring on on the second floor i can't seem to keep the fuse keeps blowing it must just take forever yeah just search look for the search history of anyone looking up uh clamp designs uh timers

yeah any anyone ordering an amount of material that you'd expect a factory to order under a personal, non-business bank account. That's what I've always wondered about thugs in Batman, where they're like, we'll meet at the warehouse. You're sitting on a gold

mine of real estate. Why are you bothering selling heroin? just sell this warehouse rent rent it live off that it's so central yeah like well i will meet you down by the docks you own the docks you should be a billionaire. Pikachu, I choose you. Come on then.

Just jump out of that Pokeball there, Pikachu. Pikachu. Pikachu. Oh, God. Oh, this. Pikachu? Pikachu? Oh! Oh god! Oh, this... Oh, yeah, I knew, I knew he wouldn't fit in there. Yeah.

I mean, he's a sort of a middling sized mammal looking thing and this is just a tiny tennis ball. It was never going to fit in there. I'm starting to wonder if a black market flour scene is going to grow up. Because we can't get flour for a lot of money. I've been buying flour recently.

Flour is in the white stuff. Yes. You can't buy flour? No, it's not in any shops because everyone's taking up baking at the same time. There's no flour anywhere. I'm starting to think flour might get cut with cocaine pretty soon. Because you cannot find it. It's a premium good now.

And the police are going to stick a flick knife into the side of a bag of flour. And then sprinkle it onto a pizza base and take a bite and be like, yeah, this is pure. This is the stuff. Well, wait, why do you want flour? Have you taken up baking too? Well, I need it for thickening sauces mainly.

My sister's baking. And like everyone else, I want to try and bake some bloody bread finally time I got over myself and baked a bloody loaf what what is the flour that you use to thicken sauce it's a particular kind

isn't it I use plain white oh do you yeah I just use plain white flour I thought it had to be a particular... I think corn flour, maybe, actually. Corn flour, that's it.

Because when you mix corn flour and water, you make that kind of special... It gets really gloopy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a Chinese takeaway. Right. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, that's the one thing that your daste ends up... because we're all in isolation here in in london listeners if you're living somewhere insane like sweden

um that is insane are they still going out in the swedish yeah they're just fucking walking around oh nice to see you cough in my face they're just fine with it it's unbelievable sweden is supposed to be the country that everyone goes oh I wish we were sensible like Sweden right but are they not able to do that because it hasn't got too bad there well they're like I don't know

I think it's starting to get bad and I don't know why it wouldn't get bad and also are they even measuring it right there's all these fiddly statistical questions. Because they use saunas together a lot. That's a lot of shared breathing. Steamy air.

Steamy bugs. But it's like, you don't want to end up being like some country where they go, well, we don't have any testing kits, so the number of cases is zero. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, have you seen chernobyl no no no but we discussed it when you got you got in trouble with racists and animal lovers and racist animal lovers well that's a separate story but there's a bit in the story the true story of chernobyl where when they're still in denial after it's blown up, they go in with their

sort of radiation detectors, the Geiger counters. And a dangerous level is like 2 or whatever, and these go up to 3.6. And all the experts are like, oh, 3.6 is

fine. It's like having a microwave open. But it turns out 3.6 is fine. It's like having a microwave open. But it turns out 3.6 was just the limit of those counters. Oh, my God. The real levels were in the tens of thousands. Jesus Christ. Oh. It makes you, when you watch that bit, you just want to vomit.

But that's what Sweden has right now. They're going, going well we have not tested any positive cases have you tested anyone we haven't tested any positive cases it's like um i i've if you go back and look at some of the tweets coming out from the world health organization back in january they were like the chinese government has confirmed that it's impossible for coronavirus to go from human to human. In January? Yeah, like December, January, like early on, there was all this stuff coming out of China, like, there's no need to worry. All the doctors have been put in a special place for hiding. All the doctors got too excited about how safe this disease was, so we had to put them away for a bit.

We had to inject them to calm them down. They were too excited about what a healthy future there is here in China. Oh, God. Has your smell returned? Has your taste and smell returned? My smell and taste is is back i i think sort of 80 almost almost there so i can actually you know enjoy food again and stuff which is again is all there is now are you cooking um sort of yeah i haven't i haven't become a baking boy yet but it's only a matter of time the thing about baking is that it happens in an oven where I've collected every flavor in the world. And they've all just slowly sort of melded together into an aroma you can't clean out of the oven. So if you bake bread now, it's going to be fish, lamb, chicken, beef, cookie flavored bread.

You're going to end up with bread that's like a sort of magical everything bread. It's like a Willy Wonka bread. Like a bread Mary Poppins pulls out of her bag. Every meal is in this bread. Why, the first slice tastes like soup, and then the middle is the main, and the end of the bread is dessert

You know that's what pasties were when they were first invented the original Cornish pasties They stuck jam in the end didn't they Yeah, one half was meat and one half was jam your mains and your dessert You sort of think like guys, how much of a rush are you in?

They just love mining they just loved mining apparently that's what the the hunky crust was for us for a dutty hands to use as a grip so you didn't yeah you're not supposed to you're not even traditionally supposed to eat it yeah yeah which makes sense because it is just like you know a what a fucking sex toy of pastry that you just have to eat like plain it took me so long to realize how to pronounce pasty when i first moved to the uk i genuinely just thought there was a dish an english dish called pasty which i i thought well That's very self-aware. That's where the word comes from.

If someone eats too many pasties, they start to look pasty. You know, a scouse is a stew. Is it? Yeah, the word scouse comes from a scandinavian stew that was very popular in liverpool or something really yeah yeah so the scouse are named after a stew a stew scouse speak speaking of of because whenever i think of liverpool i just think of football yeah um as i mean neither one of us enjoy watching sports recreationally particularly so has that affected you in any way have you noticed your sports loving friends suddenly freaking out shaking scratching themselves um no because I don't live with any

uh apparently football has stopped yes I've I've heard that difference what i've in what i what what interested me and annoyed me is that i thought well now that football stopped i can stop doing so if you look on like twitter trends um i used to have a rule in my head that whenever there was a name of someone who i didn't recognize on twitter trends and it could just be called like thomas alley or like uh emmanuel adebayor or whatever like the rule was it's either a mass murderer or a footballer it's either the name of an american who's just killed everyone in a school or maybe like an islamic fundamentalist terrorist or it's a footballer yeah yeah sure because i got the only way that someone's name is trending and

so i thought well that game is finally over because all the football people and a lot of comedians are football people will have to talk about something else and instead they're just talking about old football yes i thought the one saving grace of football was that it had a very short shelf life that's why you had to keep making more football but maybe people will come out of this realizing that we've made enough football maybe that's it because the number of people i've seen tweeting about like highlights from the 1991 fucking rumple stiltskin league highlights like they're just wow and see that goal by so and so i think they know all the names of these people from like the 70s and they're sharing clips and stuff yeah you just think guys is this is a i'm amazed that you know who all the football people are now and never mind

class of 79 you know i mean people got went on about game of thrones about how many characters there were i can't watch game of thrones there's so many characters in it people have been watching football for three decades and then every player that has come through every these people are like london cab drivers they must have a bit of their brain that's just inflated in a football shape yeah there's a little football growing off their cortex yeah but that's it i mean like my my favorite genre of tweet is um people who love football moaning and whining on like the one day like the rugby world cup final when the rugby tweets are slightly more than their football tweets and i've seen like football people tweeting like oh

nothing but rugby on my timeline oh how boring and think, do you know how the rest of us live all year? Sometimes equality can feel like oppression, Pierre. That's the old adage. Just the idea that they don't realize that I'm sat here accidentally learning things about a sport I dislike. I don't want to know who everyone is. I don't have room in my mind for this. I don't want to know who everyone is. I don't have room in my mind for this. I don't need it.

Everyone who likes... Yeah? Yeah, go for it. What I do like about online football fandom is the obsession with old kits, like old football kits. Yeah. This obsession of sportswear

before it was actually sportswear especially before it's actually usable yes alice james loves his old football kits but if you go back far enough they eventually just become shirts they just become full collar shirts you know it's like they're now breathable high high performance, like plastic polymer fucking lab designs. Like in the 80s, they were like a polo shirt. And then before that, they were just like full coat and tails. And you just had to run around. Like the referees, yeah, dressed like a funeral director and stuff.

Yeah, with like a judge's wig on because he's judging the football. Even like the rugby shirts in the 90s, if you look up the 90s rugby shirts, they are, like you say, thick cotton fabric with big collars and stuff. Yeah, it must just come from... All these sports were designed in a cold country. Yeah, and just going like...

And people's psychology where they just go well you have to have a collar like they never questioned it no like they never let someone just go why um a pair of mustaches you know it's mustaches the the real word is mustaches a mustache is just one side like trousers oh right so you've left trousers in your right trouser i think so yes i only know that from the fantastic movie bronson someone congratulates charlie bronson on having a fabulous set of mustaches yes yes yes which is a very sort of like arch camp old-fashioned thing to say wonderful um the uh what were you saying before the the thing with the old-fashioned uh the obsession with football kits yeah

yeah the the yeah looking up old old football kits and trying to like uh trying to trying to see it as fashion and different clothes and stuff like that that i can kind of i can kind of get behind i mean it's certainly it's certainly more interesting to me because it technically counts as history that's how i get yes exactly yeah it has nothing to offer me i don't think apparently um americans find a way to eat shirts or bake a shirt um apparently americans used to play uh used to play cricket up until the sort of american civil war where baseball an early form of baseball got popularized in prisoner of war camps

yeah that's right cricket was the top game in in america i'd love it if they still played cricket. Can you imagine how American they'd make it? Insane idea. Yeah. Oh, man. Like when they hit the wicket, they'd probably fill it with gunpowder or something. It would just explode. Mm-hmm. People selling hot dogs on the green

to the players. Because there's a lot of standing around waiting, isn't there? Yeah, well, with baseball, that's why they're all just drinking beers and stuff. Yeah, yeah. God. They'd add even more padding.

They love their padding. God, they have the size. If they have that much padding and helmets for what is essentially rugby, if they take on the cricket garb and add an american level of insurance protection on that it'd be like robocop walking around yeah it would just be ever have gundams dum dum gundam gundam oh gundam yeah yeah gundam yeah to say, yeah, be like if Pacific Rim was playing cricket. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, yeah. I remember that an American football team, they came over when I was at university, and they played our little college rugby team, like our mini rugby team. And it was a bunch of Americans who normally played American football.

And their grasp of the rules wasn't great, obviously. They kept giving away penalties. But because they were used to playing with so many pads, they were trained to be completely fearless. Yeah. So they were running into tackles like they wanted to die. God, they must have really hurt themselves. well no they really they really hurt our guys because it was just like jesus like they just ran in with this level of recklessness like cracking ribs and stuff they were just

yeah because american football essentially bumper cars they have that much protection yeah and and you're allowed to just fucking seemingly clothesline people and throw them team wrestling yes and because there's loads of pads everyone goes it's safe now until you know everyone's brain melts when they turn 60 yeah thank you for meeting us boss i i just uh just... I don't like this new guy. This new guy here, I don't think he gets it. I don't think he gets it. What is it... What is it that you don't understand about our line of work? Well, no, I just...

Well, no, I understand. I understand. He doesn't understand. Tell him what you told me. Go on. Tell him what you said. Well, no, I understand He doesn't understand, tell him what you told me Go on, tell him what you said Well, um, I just Well, we were meeting in the warehouse for a job and I just mentioned that maybe the warehouse you know, it's prime position

downtown, it's next to a lot of well, tech startups and Amazon shipping warehouse is nearby. And, um, the, the one that just across the street from the warehouse is, is like, uh, it's, I think it's fancy apartments now. I'm not sure, but it's like, you know, open plan, a lot of natural light with those skylights and our warehouse, we just use for meetings about twice a month to just...

You know, we all stand under one bulb and we slowly load a revolver and then we agree to go do, you know, a job. And I just feel like the space could be put to better use, you know, to make money. You want us to make money without... legitimately. Well, yeah. See, I told you, he doesn't fucking get it. You don't understand.

This is not about making money. This is about being in the mafia. You want to be in the mafia? You want to be in the mafia? Be in the mafia. You want to be some kind of goddamn lower downtown property redevelopment

asshole? Go buy a pair of tinted glasses and get out of my fucking sight. I told you, he doesn't get it. No, he doesn't get it. We should never have invited him. The mafia has never been about gentrification. Oh, man.

I should... Maybe I should start doing a cooking thing like... I should start getting into making slow cooking things, you know? A sauce that takes all day. I'm started making my sauces.

I made a slow roast lamb shanks last night baby i make with the lamb i like to make a port gravy with the lamb effluent and i like fry up some shallots and garlic and rosemary and then then you sieve those out. And then you add some cream and port and peppercorns and all the lamb juices. Oh, superb. And you try and reduce it down. Phil, as listeners, is like a non-cannibal Hannibal Lecter. Otherwise known as the cook.

Otherwise known as a fancy boy cook. Yes, very nice. My word. Have you started getting elaborate there? I think in in quarantine people are going one of two ways they're getting very elaborate like that or they're just going toast and butter every day yeah yeah um well i've kind of been this elaborate for a while now anyway even in the um the before time so i was elaborate yeah it's true yeah um no now we're just we're taking turns me and my sister cooking things and there's always leftovers and just heat those up and you finally can actually keep going off something for a while what what

are you going to aim for when you start baking are you going to get really elaborate and try and bake a sort of a Buckingham Palace bread or something? I'm going to bake a to-scale replica of the outside. An edible outside. Please start by baking a to-scale replica of inside your flat. And so you just have to line the walls with flatbreads and just everything in your flat gets about half a centimeter thicker because it's coated in a lower a layer of bread now i'm starting to come around to bread i've always been such a bread naysayer but it's true you're an anti-bread boy yeah i don't like bread i just think it's padding for the stomach and for the soul it's meaningless but um i've started i found a brand of bread that i

really like actually what is it it is useful it's called uh the polish bakery and they make polish breads one's called um a chleb polski the chleb polski is very good they're sort of like sourdoughs but a halfway point between a king's mill and a sourdough almost they're really good all right oh shit okay you're listening to bread pod bread pod Brad Pod. Oh, man. What are you going to make? I think I might do one of those things where it's like making a ragu. Yes.

Ragu's great. Or just like, yeah, really slow cooking. Maybe I'll go through the effort of trying to get one of those types of meat that if you don't cook it for eight hours, it's a load of tough gummy nonsense. It's literally poison. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

And also, I'll put on some music by Tough Gummy. He was a great sexophonist. He beat up our competition. Tough Gummy. Yeah, yeah. Because he was really aggressive and he had no teeth from all the fights. But that didn't stop him.

He just started gumming people instead of biting them. He'd be like, you don't want him to be in a bar fight with you because he'll hold you down and he'll gum your nose off. I'm going to gum you. That's what people would shout at him from the crowd yeah his catchphrase welcome to the gum show he would say need a license for these gums and he'd waggle his eyebrows and flap his horrible gums at people. Yeah, man. Maybe I'll do one of those things where you just slow cook a whole brisket or something all day. Because no one has anything to do.

I mean, not in our industry anyway. Our industry has dissolved. It's melted. That's a great idea. Maybe I'll do a slow, a really slow number. I think it's very surreal to have your entire industry dissolve, and it makes me feel a bit like a guy who was really good at Morse code and telegrams

right when the telephone was invented. Well, it's not so much dissolved as it is indefinitely postponed, which is alright, assuming you can bridge this gap but not everyone can that's the difficult thing well that's the thing and i assume that by the time this comes out they'll have cancelled the edinburgh fringe that's the rumor on the rumor vine phil yeah delicious vineyard the rumor vines. That's right, vintage 2020. Oh, a bit yum.

It's tasting yum, but it's a lot of potential. It's had a lot of time to mature indoors. Very good. A lot of bottle time. Yeah, apparently that's going to... I hear a rumor it's going to be cancelled very, very soon, or at least cancelled

in as much as you can cancel a lot of clowns turning up to a town to sneeze on everyone. Yeah, I mean, something as wide-ranging and sprawling as Edinburgh Fringe, a cancellation, surmounts to a couple of councillors saying, Oi, you in the hat, don't come this year, please. And doing that 20,000 times. this year please yeah and doing that 20 000 times did you know it's the third largest ticketed event in the world if it's together

third largest what do you know the topper the top two yeah yeah so basically and well we're going to count the edinburgh fringe as all of the august festivals that are in edinburgh at the same time so that's the fringe the festival which is the opera bit of the August festivals that are in Edinburgh at the same time. So that's the Fringe, the festival which is the opera bit, and the book festival, that little book festival they have. So top is the Olympics, I think. Okay, okay.

In terms of number of people and tickets, and then second is the Football World Cup. Wow. And then third is the month of August in Edinburgh. It's four then third is the month of August in Edinburgh. It's four million people over the month. Sport, sport,

improv. What a pattern. That's amazing. Sport, sport, what if Romeo and Juliet was in the medieval times but in space? Yeah. Elite sport.

Elite sport. Literally anyone. Yeah. Elite athletes. Elite athletes. Anyone who can fill in a form. Yeah. Front for Cold War conflict, international corruption, and slavery built stadiums, and

guy in a basement pretending to be a mouse in an avant-garde play. Yeah, very strange. I wonder what fourth would be. Fourth? Fourth. What's a large-ticketed event? Glastonbury is way down the list, surely,

even though it's very big, it's nothing like that. Yeah, maybe if you start going to fourth and fifth, it starts becoming stuff like Montreal Just for Laughs and Oh, maybe they start becoming Burns,

maybe the fourth place is Your Mom's Pussy. Maybe it goes like it just turned into burns fifth most ticketed event is trying to watch your dad park his car into a space between two other cars yeah

after that it's just it's burns all the way down between two other cars. Yeah. After that, it's just, it's Burns all the way down. You know that quote, it's elephants all the way down? Yeah. What does it mean? Who said it? Or it's turtles all the way down. Are those elephants? It's turtles all the way down.

It's a joke or something it's about the world I know it from it's elephants all the way down it's about like the world is carried on the back of an elephant yeah and they go what's on the bottom of that elephant and they go it's elephants all the way down yeah that's what I know it as

well I know it also as turtles from the Terry Pratchett series of books the disc world oh god here we go because yeah i know in those books the world is on the back of four elephants and they are on top of a turtle that's swimming through space and this is japanese no this see this is a a sort of English surrealness. Right, okay. But a lot of the humor comes from trying to explain it, so it's the opposite of Japanese.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So it's just a joke, is it? It's just a joke saying, oh, it's elephants all the way down. I think it's a... Yeah, it seems to just be like a kind of resigned way of saying look it's just this we don't know we'll never know yeah this is just

what it is just deal with it interesting yeah that seems to be the way well i've only had time to look that up should we do some yeah if only you weren't so busy uh shall we do some correspondence yes please nice Shall we do some correspondence? Yes please Nice You got the stuff? Yeah let me hit that Yeah that is some good self raising To letters

E-mails Phones Toils Yeah, that is some good self-raising. To letters, emails, phone calls, to your desk, your sister, to who you want to ring the bells. Correspondence. Correspondence. It's not Tata Tech, is it? It's Correspondence. We'll be doing a Tata Tech next week, folks. Also, next week I will have a new microphone,

so I won't look like I'm shouting at Pierrere from the end of a cave it's true um yes indeed uh it's all gonna get uh super super fancy now that it's a not we live in an apocalypse um yes we have an email from Joe. Joe! He's our bro. Oh, unless it's Lady Joe. It's a man Joe, I think. Our man Joe. Dear Wilfang and Nia Povelli. Nice!

Nice. He says some very lovely things, thanking us for a good podcast, and thank you very much. He says, So I wanted to share a cautionary tale regarding the slow poo, quick poo debate. He says, I was recently lucky...

With regards to whether or not it's bad for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He says, I was recently lucky enough to undergo surgery for some pretty spectacular hemorrhoids. Wow! I had my first hemorrhoid recently. It was not surgery-inducing and it was painful and irritating enough.

I can't imagine how bad it must be to need to get it cut off by a professional. Yeah, exactly. A bum trim. Just short side and back, mainly back. Yeah. He says some pretty spectacular hemorrhoids, which was quite an experience, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Well, it wasn't much fun living with a large bunch of anal grapes hanging around my rear entrance. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. You say bum grapes all the time, and I will never forgive you for it. I hate it when you say bum grapes. I got it from Viz, be fair oh god and it's because i drink so much wine the idea of bum grapes really hits me that would be the bud pod wine made from bum grapes

oh man i i still laugh sometimes listeners you you won't have enjoyed this because we lost the recording but um phil basically said if you want to sum up bud pod it's just imagine a a bullet being loaded into a bum and i wish we had that oh well um so uh while it wasn't much fun living with a large bunch of anal grapes the recovery period following the procedure was not a happy time for me or my surgically savage bum bum passage i fear the full details would be too much for even your scatological standards so i will spare you there were screams there were tears there were more than a little regret there was more than a little regret but the one thing the doctors told me was that my little backdoor friends were probably

caused by too much squeezing while sitting on the poopy throne. Yeah, that's a thing. I was eating humble poo when I got my hemorrhoid because suddenly slow poo was right. Slow poo

finally had the high ground. The lowest high ground you can imagine Yes, and he was probably still late to get to that high ground Because of taking ages to poo Well, he probably doesn't have any hemorrhoids I should ask Slowpoo actually if he does have any hemorrhoids Because if he doesn't, then he's got one on me I suppose so, yeah He's got a hemorrhoid on me he's yes and

basically joe says that he's you know he he kind of uh it's instinctively disagreed with the doctors telling him to stop forcing out poos now and and then he sort of realized oh maybe that's why i'm in this situation and says it's great to start a new decade with a freshly renovated bum hole and i wish the very best of anal and I wish the very best of anal health to you and your loved ones. Freshly renovated, re-carpeted.

Freshly renovated, freshly renovated, re-carpeted bum bum hole. A repainted anus. Lovely. Yeah, all the best to you and your anus too, Joe. Godspeed. You've knocked through the hemorrhoids, opening up more space, put in a breakfast bar. Put in a breakfast bar and just got a lot more natural light now.

Yeah. We're fortunate enough in this house to have a sun-facing anus. Yes, my arsehole's south-facing. Ooh, lovely. Ooh! You know how left-handed boxers are called southpaws? You've got a Southpaw. A Southpoo.

Southpoo. Oh, my Lord. Watch out. Watch out. He's a Southpoo. You'll never see it coming. Oh, man. you'll never see it coming oh man well thanks Joe yeah thank you Joe

we have a message we have a message from from Jack Jack Spratt could eat no well let's see what he says. So he says... Jack Spratt could eat no cack.

Yes. There we go. Yes. Morning, Blue Peters. That's nice. That's nice. So Jack has emailed us quite a few times he uh he's a founding farter oh nice one so he says i would like to submit my application for confirmation as a bona fide

founding farter of course just send in your paperwork and we'll try and expedite the process well he says alongside my frankly horrific and misjudged attempt at the official bud pod greeting um he's the one who suggested that you just walk up to someone and say, hey, are you having a bum bum day? Yes. Yes. And he can also claim to have instigated Koji. Wow, yes. Was it the abbreviation or the first

keep jacking it well I think I think he coined the abbreviation yeah I think that's fair to say he says I would henceforth request to be addressed as Benjamin Wanklin Sam Poole Adams

very good or Abraham Stinken not a founding father but too good to pass up he says uh in all seriousness it truly warms my bum to hear the other bud potters signing off tweets and correspondence with koji some six months after i randomly added it to an email yes gosh i mean it's a it's a it's a more valuable contribution to the podcast than either of us have ever made it's true yes uh this would also be my uncool cool thing in that it's cool to have started a minor trend and it's uncool that it's about masturbation very uh current yes very current very current people must be chafing chafing all over the country um that's you have you have a really dry crusty outside of your hands from washing

your hands all the time and really dry crusty insides from all the jacking it um warmest we guards jack and he says cojifif. Yeah, keep on jacking it, Founding Farta. Ah. Wait, so he's calling us a Founding Farta? Well, I guess we are. Oh, he is the Kojif. He is the keep on jacking it, Founding Farta. Yes, I suppose he is the Kojif.

Ah, he is the Kojif. Right, sounds a bit like Chief, so it does work. The Koji in Chief. It's like a nice rank, isn't it does work. The Koji in Chief. It's like a nice rank, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, Kojif. Kojif, like Kojak. Yeah. Yes.

Oh, we had some correspondence, technically, from a colleague of ours, Philippou. We don't work with anyone! Well, from a comedian and listener of the podcast and all-round legend chloe pets oh does chloe listen hi chloe hello chloe um she she messaged me on facebook to nominate a new uh coolest uncool oh great great it's me you as in chloe or you as in pierre no me as in pierre oh i've just got a kick out of you referencing yourself in the third person for some reason it's me how are you how are you the coolest uncle um well she was saying that uh uh it was quite a sort of mixture of compliment and and not compliment where she said that i have a lot of the classic

signs of being very uncool but actually if you uh get to know me, I am very cool. But it's like a hidden within the uncoolness. Right, right. So that was her argument. I would care to disagree, Chloe. But thank you for your contribution. Short shrift from Wang there. Short shrift. You get very much what it says on the box with Pierre. But I think the get very much what

it says on the box with Pierre but I think the box says great things that would be my that would be my analysis alright let's see oh wow so we got a nice message from Matt matt sprat could eat no cack night yeah no it doesn't okay max prat chat matt chat matt chat matt there you go uh hey two peas

and a poo very nice take on a classic yes i'm not a founding farter, but I was introduced by a friend a couple of weeks ago, and I have proceeded to binge every episode, so I'm fully up to date. Yeah, insane. Do we have a term for the regressive founding farters? Ooh. What is it?

A piss-storian? A piss-storian. Yes, very good. Okay. Okay. Matt's a piss-storian. Matt's a piss-storian. And he's no longer living a bum-bum life now that he's fully caught up, he says.

Okay. He says, I work for a laser-cutting company in Bristol. Cool. Cut those lasers. That's right. Slice them right up. Cut me a nice big slice.

Cut me a nice big slice of laser, please. I'm hungry. I'd like a family-sized laser for my tea. That's what the future is going to be like. Full of people going, more lasers, please, mum. My laser's cold. Everyone's going to be like, full of people going, more lasers, please, Mum! Oh, my laser's cold. Everyone's dressed in tinfoil. For no reason.

I work for a laser-cutting company in Bristol, and we have made our fair share of personalised tat to go on water bottles, wooden plaques, and even engraved into marble. Wow! What a laser. So I thought, what better way to attack tat than to make Budpod its very own tat merchandise?

Now this is slightly out of... this is a slightly old email, so I don't know if he actually sent us this before. Number weapons mat. This is not number weapons mat. This is not number weapons mat. This is not number weapons mat. No, this is a different laser cutting Budpod fan.

What is it about mats and cutting things with lasers? What is it about Budpod that attracts so many people who work with lasers? I mean, it's worrying. If they weren't ostensibly on our side, it would be frightening. Yeah, well, this is it.

It says, I've attached two items I've engraved today, which hang proudly in my loo or downstairs cloakroom. I hope you like them. So I'm going to, I'll forward you the email, Phil. Have a little look at these here now. One says, live simply, laugh often, and jacket always. Oh, lovely. In curly, whirly writing. That's very nice. laugh often and jack it always oh lovely in curly whirly writing

it's very nice what's it on? it's on a wooden board and one of them, this is very funny it says in italics don't talk to me until right, so that's in italics at the top

don't talk to me until and then underneath in uh capitals big block capitals that aren't curly whirly it says i am a pilot and there's a big uh drawing of an airplane in between the two sentences so it says don't talk to me until i'm a pilot that's a very uh good encouragement for anyone training to be a pilot yes who wants a little space it's it's what it's what a moody teenager who's really into planes will put on their bedroom door yeah don't talk to me till i'm a pilot or like a really ambitious um person in the air force which reminds me my my good friend Mark in boarding school in Brunei, he was really into planes

and airplanes and sort of commercial jets and stuff, and a rumor went around the boarding house that he masturbated to photos of Boeings. That just

reminded me of that. I hope you're doing all right mark don't uh don't stop me from jacking it till i'm a pilot wow uh so uh matt continues he says i have a most authoritarian thought of the week the upper deck of the bus should be the quiet deck nice yeah no phone calls no screaming children no people wearing earbuds so poorly made that you can hear every word they're listening to i figure if if i have to ride in this sweaty sardine tin to and from work every day i deserve to do it in silence yes silence should like hot air rise yes that's good that's good he says also in honor of the new authoritarian state budpod is creating i thought I'd create a poster honoring one of our supreme leaders.

And it's you, Phil. Oh, nice. He says, sorry, P.I., I would have made one for you too, but all your photos seem far too liberal for this purpose. Yours continuously jacking it, Matt. Wow, I didn't know I had such a totalitarian look to me. To be fair, he's made you look even more totalitarian in this PDF, which I'll forward you this so you can post it.

Yes, please. Forward it to you right goddamn now. I'm looking at my phone now. It's good tat. It's very good. We've got some very talented listeners. They're not just amazing writers. They're also craftsmen, craftspeople.

Oh, nice. It's got the... I think that's a Japanese Navy son behind me, isn't it? It's very similar, although it would be red on white for them, wouldn't it? Of course it would, yes. This is yellow on red.

Oh, these are great, Matt. Thank you very much. Don't talk to me until I'm a pilot. It's really nice. It's really good. It's very nice. We've got a lot of wonderful, wonderful wooden treats. My word. Well, Phil, I think that...

That's a chat line I use. I have some wonderful wooden treats. I've got a lot of wonderful wooden treats at home, if you'd care to look in my downstairs toilet. That's pretty much it, Phil. We're both so busy, we have to get back to baking and jacking it. We really do.

And I'm sorry to have kept you, listener, from also baking and jacking it. Hopefully at a safe distance from one another. And feel free to start baking and jacking it hopefully at a safe distance from one another but thank you and feel free to start baking and jacking it while listening yes yes yes yes um that was very much the intention when we made this yes something you could jack and bake to yeah yep yep yep yep that was the log line yeah um I will sound better next week. Thank you for sticking with this.

I really appreciate it. I hope everyone's lockdown is going okay and that you're staying sane. Thank you for the messages. And keep jacking it for another week. Keep jacking it. Keep jacking it two meters away from anyone else. Bye.

Bye.