BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 57 - Quaranpod!

Episode Date: April 8, 2020

Phil has a new mic and dinged it! Kitchen physics and wasteland pub quizzes. Suspicious hay fever. Incestuous underpants borrowing. Pierre’s sketch show is here! Here: https://youtu.be/c9ZMCN60lVAHow to enjoy your isolation, Rebecca Austin’s diary site: https://finedandycomedy.comHow long have YOU been inside in a row? TAT ATTACK! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, my sweet children of isolation, it's Budpod57. Budpod57 and Phil here sounding better than ever. That's right, I finally invested in a mic-y phone. Phil's got himself up to date with the latest tech. He managed to get a Raider from the wasteland to drive it over in an elaborately spiky crazy motorbike yes it's a petrol mic it is powered by a gasoline of the before years but it's nice and crisp and straight to usb that's right and that's the kind of technology they had in the before isn't it um it's a lovely bit of kit this i scratched it straight away i i'm so bad at keeping these nice

um joined with uh i have a terrible character flaw where i need things to stay pristine for the entire life cycle otherwise i feel i have failed at owning a thing and so yes and i i've a feeling you probably have a similar impulse pier Pierre. And I scratched this right on the front straight away. I just knocked it with my laptop and it's now got a little permanent scratch. I'm looking at it now. And when I dinged it, I went over. And you know that moment when you've dinged something and it's the equivalent of when you drop your phone and it's face down

and it's all about that turnover to reveal whether or not you've ruined your life. The big moment, yeah. The big moment. The big moment with when you've scratched something is, of course, will your thumb rub it off? And my thumb did rub off the bit of paint that was there beforehand. So it is a real scratch it's on there right now and um i just have to live with that now i i have the same um instincts but i have the habits of a of a careless fool yes so so i keep doing it and i'm unable to accept that

i keep doing it which seems like an unfair combo it is. I wish I had the temperament of a clumsy person. There are people out there who are clumsy, just absolute klutzers. I have an ex like this, just clumsy with everything, but she didn't care. And that's the dream. I'm clumsy with things and I give a shit, which is

like a living prison. I felt like a wizard or maybe someone who'd spent a lot of time in a kind of ancient temple when uh like a month or two ago i dropped something in my kitchen and like it's it was glass and it smashed everywhere and it was a mess and like the it had stuff in it and that was splattered everywhere um and i managed to just not react at all wow i mean that sounds like you just turned into a psychopath yeah i just like i had i managed to like lock like the particular pitch the glass made when it hit the ground went and it activated your psychopath psychopathy yeah it it was um it made me remember that i was supposed to you know assassinate a world leader years ago but yeah i just sort of i stopped and i looked at the mess as it was still

sort of splatting yeah and i just thought i just thought and i was in the mess as it was still sort of splatting. Yeah. And I just thought, I just thought, and I was in the flat on my own as well. So that helped because it was like, well, there's no need, like nothing, no, nothing is served by a reaction to this.

And so with the, with the chilling calmness of Hannibal Lecter, I just picked up the pieces and, and just dealt with it. And just slowly slit your throat with it. And then made sure that I slit my throat above the sink. That's some growth, Pierre. You should be very proud.

Yeah, I don't know if I can access that part of myself again, but I'll try. I'll try. This is a bit of... This is a phenomenon I've noticed that I've not heard anyone else say. Have you noticed that when you drop a glass, that it breaks on the bounce?

Have you noticed this? It drops, it floats up once. Sorry, I just knocked the table there. You drop the glass, it bounces off the ground, seemingly intact, and then when it drops again from that lower point is when it smashes. Yeah, especially if it lands on the thicker bottom part.

Yeah. Have you noticed that? I've seen them drop on the first hit when they land almost on the rim at an angle. Right, that's instant. Yeah, that's instant. But yeah, there is a lot more bouncing than you would think with something made of glass or or ceramic that's right that's right

i always wonder if maybe the first drop sort of vibrates the glass in preparation to shatter and yeah the second it's the old one too the second drop finishes it off There's nothing quite like the incredible relief when something very smashable just goes boom and just sits there and isn't smashed Boom, very smashable And you almost fear it

you think, but how? Yeah, you think physics has been suspended momentarily for your benefit which feels great Yeah, yeah think physics has been suspended momentarily for your benefit, which feels great. Yeah, yeah, godlike powers. I think it's definitely a sign that we've both been indoors a lot, that we're really pondering what the glass is in our cupboard. Yeah, kitchen physics.

Is that your new educational streaming channel? Yeah, that's my web series now. We're all doing things that we didn't think we would be. And I've started kitchen physics. But I think, unfortunately, too many of the experiments concern knives for it to be a children's show. So I don't think we'll get the clearing we need and you insist on doing it in lycra just like an exercise stream yeah just to save space um in the kitchen

to keep yourself as compact as possible wearing lots of sort of girdles and straps yeah how's your uh isolation now pierre um it's okay i had a a setback this morning where i i uh i've i i've been getting a couple of commissions for drawing nice which is cool and uh i've been posting them away to places like Ireland and America. Gosh, are people emailing you with specific requests of what to draw? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it like a street caricaturist, but they just have to send you a picture of their face and you draw them on the roller skates at home?

They have to send me an hour-long video of them trying to sit still in a plaza and uh ideally in the video they make sure that whoever's filming them pretends to be who they're on holiday with going oh this is taking ages and they go it's gonna be funny um and then yeah i have to and they have to tell me three very common hobbies yeah that i incorporate yeah very much so but basically um yesterday i went to try and post one of these things and the post office had like a huge world war ii queue and i thought screw this i'm gonna just get loads and loads of like hard-backed like like do not bend envelopes on the internet like a cool guy yep uh and i ordered the wrong size

too big i wasn't looking properly yeah they're too small i guess you can't really be too big no yeah if like novelty check size maybe well how we got to the point where we're rationing letters? Yeah, there's not enough of the abstract concept of post to go around. Is that you blowing your nose or did you just pull the chair across the floor? It was a nose, good guess. Oh, okay. This is a new feature guess the noise

nose or chair chair or nose okay Pierre do you want to guess this noise okay so this is the first step and then oh I know

that noise from childhood that's an asthma inhaler it sure is is it the preventer or the blue ventolin ooh I'm gonna say ventolin correct you know your asthma inhalers I always I've got I got myself

some ventolin too we're a couple of cool athletic young men. Yeah. The I'm starting to get hay fever listeners. That's why I was blowing my nose. And it doesn't seem fair in a time of global plague to have an automatic plant just sneezing disease. plant jizz sneezing disease yeah yeah does this put you in a vulnerable group now or is it just good old-fashioned bad luck i think it's just bad luck and and it does mean that like i'm the i'm the coronavirus equivalent of in medieval times if you had an old woman who just happened to live alone with a black cat right okay yeah you okay, yeah, you're going to get you're going to get

burned at the stake. I'm going to get a lot of suspicion from my neighbours. Yeah. People in the street look at me askance. Although, as we found out recently, listeners, Pierre and I and a few friends indulged in the now

traditional act of the zoom conference call pub quiz and pierre chose a category of um historic and notable deaths of course and it turns out that the majority of witches at the salem witch trials were not burned but hanged they were hanged yeah if you want to find people burning witches you my friend have to go to france or spain so just to give you all a taste of our friday nights yep yep yep yep everyone i know is doing some sort of zoom quiz at the moment and uh it's impossible to know what kind of effect this is going to have on on british society do you think pub quizzes will be more or less popular like will people be sick of quizzes or they'll be like you mean i can do a quiz out of my house i don't know

i reckon it's going to be like the dvd cinema debate you know people thought the cinema was over when the vhs was invented because people can do it at home but nothing quite beats the atmosphere of a live pub quiz pierre. And I think that's something the fat cats at DVD towers just don't understand. Not DVD towers in this case, but Zoom mansions or wherever Zoom is. Yeah, secret Zoom headquarters somewhere under the earth. What do you think it's like to be the guy who invented zoom who's like well i guess this makes video conferencing slightly more convenient it's like it's sort of like uber where you go well everyone's using this but what exactly has

been invented because it's basically the same as what we've always had it is kind of impressive that someone's gone like uh someone's nailed it this much like the guy from zoom just by inventing an app for video calling that doesn't suck right like what what is it about like so many apps are are like the app to go to just because i don't know like whoever designs all the other apps was like well of course we don't want more than two people to do anything and it ideally it should take ages and break a lot. Well, that's exactly it. I recently downloaded and bought the script writing software Final Draft.

Whereas beforehand I'd used the either cheap or free, I can't remember, Keltex. And the difference between the two is that Final Draft, it just works. Yeah, yeah. They're the same software, but one works. So you pick the one that works, and so they have a monopoly. And that's pretty much it. Well, see, Phil, I've gone rogue, and I've actually bought Scrivener.

Wow. What on earth is that? Is that the du that the script writing software yes i think i've bought the pepsi and you've bought the coke you're correct you've gone and uh got the mccarno have you yeah i think so and it was it it was fairly reasonably priced uh it was like 50 quid or something so that's not too bad. No. But it seems to work.

I mean, it does a lot of the format. It does all the formatting for you, thank Christ. For listeners who don't know, this is a bit inside baseball. When you write a script, all the different bits about what's happening in the script have to be in different fonts and in capital letters and positioned on the page differently. And if you try and do it in Microsoft Word, you will end up killing everyone you know and then yourself. Yeah. And then not even being able to write a good script about it. Yes, exactly. And then people will look at your script to think, what work of art drove this man

insane? It must be incredible, like the Pietieta and it's just like a sketch about a man whose bum likes to smoke speaking of sketches listeners you've got to check out pierre's brand new online sketch show cuts uh which was released yesterday for episode one was it just episode one will there be more um there'll be more if we're allowed outside of our houses to make more okay so episode one is uh is so it is a content so far yes it's a sort of pilot for something that that may never exist but it's uh it's uh it was a lot of fun to make um it's on the it's on the turtle canyon comedy youtube channel um for now and uh the cast is just kind of everyone isn't it i was quite pleased with the cast yeah it's um got the daphne boys jason and george together in i think the jewel

in a in already very nice crown of sketches um it's um it's just i won't spoil it but it's so funny um pierre will put up the link to it i'm sure on instagram and stuff uh it's great it's really well cast what's nice is that there's lots of different people who only do one role each it can get tiring when people just repeat you know yeah and also isn't it you've timed it very well because um at the time when you made it i'm sure it would have felt like you were producing it on on a shoestring budget but now compared with everything else that people are able to make it is like the fucking godfather the quality the production values it looks like avatar yeah I am Glanthar, the Unbreakable One. Welcome back to the pub quiz.

Now, the answers round. Let's see who will survive this round of the Thunderdome questions. That's right, the questions about the establishment and history of the Thunderdome. So, for those of you who asked who was the guy who first came up with the Thunderdome, it was Ganache who found the DVD of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome and copied the idea. Hail Ganache! And anyone who didn't get that question correct is, of course, going to go into the Thunderdome. Remember, no takesies-backsies, and you better have handed your quiz to the next gang of

wasteland raiders for them to mark. Question two on the Thunderdome. Who was the first Thunderdome victor? It was I! It was I. Anyone who did not recognize my achievement in slaughtering my foes in the Thunderdome there, again, you are going in the Thunderdome.

And the bonus question is about who was the architect who designed the Thunderdome? It's Frank Gehry. It's Frank Gehry. It's Frank Gehry. They've spelt Gehry wrong. Can I still give them the point?

Of course you can give them the point. Who wouldn't give them the point if it's clear that they knew who it was? They just don't know how to spell an unusual name. I'm afraid you're going in the Thunderdome. Okay, right. Round two. The killing. okay right round two the killing by in essence guys check out cuts the new sketch show from pia novelli it's very funny yeah please do please do um phil have you done any more hobby style activities

style activities no i just want i just want to play my video games you know people keep bothering me with emails and asking me how i am it's like i'm fine let me learn i did i did have a thought about isolation the other day where someone was like oh let's do another thing or let's do this let's do that and i did i did think to myself let me have this yeah let me just have this why i actually the whole world is is frozen let me just have this this one time where i know for a fact that everyone has to be like this i wrote about this for our friend uh rebecca austin pierre has started an online repository of comedians diary entries called the nothing in the diary, which is a very good name. Yes, it's very good. It's on her what's the website? I've contributed.

Fine and Dandy, yes. It's called fineanddandy.com, I think. Fineanddandy.com. And Pierre's got a diary entry in there, which is very funny. And I've just submitted mine, which will be up in a few days, I suppose. And yeah, I was saying like let's not waste if we're among the lucky um people for whom this period is not

completely life-changing and traumatic but is a sort of suspension of life like make the most of that right make the just lay just sit the hell down you don't have to be making something or improving or growing all the time and i'm suddenly get frustrated with people being like i made a a rube goldberg machine with my children it's like leave it no you don't have to yeah you can you can just enjoy yourself for god's sake yeah by then I guess I have

zero responsibility to anyone but myself yeah well that does help I know a friend of a friend who does a sort of wellness thing on Instagram and I'm very against their attitude to to sort of exercise and things because they're one of those people who say things like

while you're waiting for the kettle to boil why not do 20 push-ups you know oh yeah yeah yeah and i always think to myself why don don't you practice some mental hygiene and just do push-ups at the gym where the push-ups happen? Right, or in the modern case, just the floor elsewhere. Because also, there's nothing you want more after a load of push-ups than a hot drink, is there? Every time I do exercise, I think, I wish there was a boiling drink for my mouth. But it's that thing of, like, why don't you just have a cup of tea and relax and then have the push-ups done in the morning or in the evening?

Like, not everything has to be... To me, it comes across as a symptom of terrible anxiety. Yes, it is. It's about trying to hold on to control, I suppose. Control over your body and yourself, which I understand. But, I mean, thing is, this is probably likely to go on so long

that you will have time to get out of shape and then get back in again. Yeah, people could come out of this looking the same and no one understands they've been through hell and back yeah they could go full like uh late marlon brando or elvis and then just not again and everyone's just no one even knows what a waste what a terrible waste for them and their social media presence what what's your uh record so far for uh um days spent without leaving the front door without going out the front door ones oh like how many have of those have i done in a row oh in a row probably only like one or two in a row but it's sort of every third or fourth day if I'm not careful what do you mean not careful?

like if I don't remember that my eyes genuinely need to look at a horizon at some point or they'll get rotten yeah I can just stay indoors like an astronaut for quite a long time

yeah I think people like us who played a lot I can just stay indoors like an astronaut for quite a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think people like us who played a lot of video games and stayed indoors a lot growing up have been training for this our whole lives. And if anything, we're too good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm really easing into this. I'm leaning into the isolation.

I've done three days in a row. I think that's my record so far. That's a lot. I was talking to my friend last night and she's gone 17 No 17 days in a row Does your friend speak in only a whisper now?

She's forgotten how to speak English She speaks a dialect that's developed in her home yeah which i couldn't believe that was amazing why has she done that is she infected or is she afraid or what i don't know i'm probably probably afraid. She has face masks. And so she doesn't infect her reflection. I don't know.

You know, I really don't know. I guess she's just being overly cautious. That's I mean, that is really impressive. I think you qualify for NASA. Yeah, that's really amazing. I think I might go today. I might go for I need a run today, probably. Well, it's different for you because i i live on the first floor whereas listeners phil lives up from memory i think 37 flights of stairs

and so if you leave your house you've got an absolute hill to climb just to get back into your house it's not a great home to forget something in i've often gotten gone down on to realize the one thing i needed to take out is still upstairs and that'll add 20 minutes yeah um i don't well and also like i live in a block of flats but we've got like a kind of small courtyard thing with like a bench in yeah and so sometimes i can go out and sit on the bench like a pensioner and just be in the wind outside and look at the sky and go ah yes I feel like a politician who's under house arrest

yeah yeah yeah like I criticise the regime but not that much they just need to make a show out of me and now I have to basically just live in my flat yes sort of um late stage um um ansang suchi yes exactly yeah late house arrest ansang suchi yeah yeah back back when she was still golden everyone's golden girl i do i do love the fact that like uh it's it's such a great twist we finally got her out

what were you doing all the time that you were in there and she was like thinking about how much I hate those Muslims thinking about how necessary it is that we burn all those Muslims out of that part of the border you think wow no she went evil indoors oh fuck

it was quite to use a wrestling term the heel turn. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And a very, oh, season 11 of Burmese politics or whatever. Yeah, the writing for Burmese politics has gone a bit crazy. Do you reckon that's what Burmese Twitter was like for a while? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Do you reckon that's what Burmese Twitter was like for a while? Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. All 11 government-sanctioned Burmese Twitter accounts were like that for a bit. Oh, this is something I need to ask you. Yeah? I was having a quarrel with my friend. A quarrel? A quarrel. She lives with her brother,

and sometimes she will wear her brother's boxes as pyjamas. What? And I said, that's really weird. And when he sees her wearing his wearing his pajamas, his boxes, he's like, Oh, come on like that. But it's sort of like not a big deal. But I said,

that's very strange. It is strange. Um, do your, do your, do your friend and her brother live in porn hub? All right. because that's definitely the vibe I get. It's so creepy.

I don't like that at all. I know, thank you. I thought, because she was like, oh, my friends think it's fine. I was like, who are your friends? Are your friends Lannisters? Well, that's a relief. that's a relief to hear that's so weird what did you think like oh my i'll get those clothes that only touch my brother's dick and balls and i'll wear those and his asshole i mean this is exactly it it's absolutely it's grotesque it's gross i'm no prude but even i have to draw the line at at a sibling lingerie i i i need to know how this started even

i mean it must be one of those things that started so long ago. It started in the days of innocence. And that's how it's continued on. Well, see, I think that I can't imagine this is something that started when they were in the family home. Why not? Because little boys don't wear boxes for one. Yeah, but also like it's too much. If you saw a little boy wearing a pair of boxes you you feel threatened i feel i think like does he want to fight i'd feel like scared if i saw a little boy a young boy wearing

boxes i would automatically like visually i would see him as also having a lit cigarette it would automatically fill in in my field of vision and the sleeveless white t-shirt with food stains on it yeah exactly yeah um i think this didn't happen in the family home because when you're young and in the family home like that's my siblings underwear it's a bit like more like visceral right yeah and it's like more like hey don't touch my stuff or whatever i think they've ended up living together and like when girls live together they nick each other's clothes all the bloody time like my older sister and my younger sister have like they they swap but also they have fights about borrowing and things like that or they used to that's why they're called knickers that's what

well yeah well this is it so i reckon she's like got that habit and now she's like misapplying it to her own brother because that's just who she lives with oh well she did go to girls um school she yeah she went to girl school ah that's like a boarding school yeah yeah yeah girls yeah she's picked up she's picked up weird she's picked up creepy sexy boarding up weird she's picked up creepy sexy boarding school habits and now she's applying them to her brother's uh dick and ball shields but isn't the other thing you learn at girl school that you can't trust a boy's hygiene sensibilities like how much trust does she have in her brother's dedication to cleaning his fucking

drawers she must be nicking them straight straight from the straight from the laundry i mean i fucking hope she is now she gets them from she gets them from a vending machine she's built in the house that she asks him to stock she got it shipped from japan yeah she she she makes sure she only takes them after he's been for a massive jog oh god it's so gross these okay i'm relieved to hear this i'm relieved to hear this when when we stop recording i need to know who this is so i can find them revolting oh my word oh good i thought i was a crazy one no i'm i'm fascinated as to that like i could do a whole case study on how on earth that's

even come about that is truly bizarre some families are like that though it's weird you know yeah well it's like that thing where i know every family's got stuff that you consider to be a bit weird um but then there's there's a limit there's always a limit where you go no now now you now it's not just within the bell curve of like hey we all cook a little differently you're you know this is properly weird yeah there are some families that are too familiar with each other i think being part of a family it should it should be the part friends part colleagues you know a family home should feel a bit like a workplace you know i think there should be kind of a professional distance between members i uh i i knew a a family growing

up where if any of their kids were like overly angry about something or they were being unreasonable, the parents would almost try and like negotiate or teach them out of it. If they were being what, sorry? Like if they were having like a tantrum, right? Or if they were getting really upset about something that was a bit stupid. They'd have like a meeting with the kids' lawyers. Yeah, they would subpoena their child. Yeah, no, no, they'd be all like therapeutic about it, which sounds nice, but also like,

sometimes if it was really unreasonable, I would think like, even sitting there as like a child, I would think I'm on the side of what my parents do, which is just to say, oh, you know, shut up, stop being so silly. Right, but have those kids grown up? The ones that you're talking about? Well, they're like,

they're super, super emotionally comfortable and literate, but they are like not very good at suppressing their feelings. Yeah, so that has a side effect. Right, as in they just say what's on their mind all the time. Yeah, well, they sort of like, their gut instinct is that all emotions are valid and they can just immediately express them and then you have to go no it's very silly to be angry about this and they go oh you're right and then they stop but it's like well that sounds good it sounds like they're very emotionally flexible

yeah very flexible but it's it's sort of like you always have to talk to them from the point of view that what they've done is already valid as opposed to going you're immediately being insane here stop it okay okay so you have to be like i can i understand why you burnt down that preschool but let's consider the negatives you have to be like that yeah i know that it feels like they were talking about you at the other end of the room and that's why you beat them to death with a chair but they weren't they were talking about you at the other end of the room and that's why you beat them to death with a chair but they weren't they were just talking to themselves while they were on their phone yeah so it's not not always not always good to to to do that but yeah there's no this this this whole domestic situation sounds especially like you know what's really lent

to the sinister air is that i would have found it a bit creepy and and incestuous before but especially in the context of them being locked in a house together i think it'd be worse if i think it'd be worse if they lived in different houses and she's like a burglar yeah like the burglar from sims yeah yeah yeah the music would suddenly change and she'd creep in with

a stripy jumper on the most terrifying moment in video games i'd say yeah when you're a kid that that sudden sudden sinister music you oh no fuck that burglar. He's going to steal that lamp that makes my sim better at maths. Yes, okay, well, I'm glad I wasn't losing my fucking mind

and that it is, in fact, this person who is crazy. No, yeah, I would say so. I would say so. Shall we do... Oh, we said we were going to do tat, didn't we? Yes. Yes. All right.

Let's do some tat. Nice. Hey, kids. Time for another episode of Kitchen Physics with me, Phil. Today's episode is about heat. Heat is incredible. It cooks your food, it keeps you warm at night, and it's really, really fun. Try this out. Put an empty pot of water, well it's not empty then, but put a pot of water onto the stove and turn on the fire.

Wait a while. Turn off the fire. You might now think the water is cold. But no, it has retained the heat. Try it out. Dip your hand in. Does it hurt? That means it's still hot. Congratulations.

You're a scientist now. Kitchen physics. Today's episode is about radiation. Radiation is an incredible, magical, invisible power that flies through the air. Your microwave oven uses it. Follow the steps that I posted on my website to disable the fail safe that stops a microwave when you open the door. Once you've done this, open your microwave door and turn it on for a couple of minutes. Stick your hand in front of the open bit and have a feel. Is your hand getting warmer?

That's microwaves! Isn't it incredible? Kitchen physics! Waves! Isn't it incredible? Kitchen physics! Today's episode is about alcohol. Alcohol is a fun and magical liquid. It is good to drink and it can make things burn. Try this. Take a gulp of your parents alcohol. Whiskey or vodka or whatever whatever and then turn on the fire on the stove and then spit out the alcohol in a big cloud it should ignite and explode in a fun and beautiful way like fireworks in your house impress your family kitchen physics hi kids today's episode is about the justice system. The justice system is this mean and nasty system that stops nice men from doing fun things.

Since last episode I have been arrested by the justice system. I am now in a prison waiting for trial. I've been charged with negligence and conspiracy to burn mummies and daddies But don't forget to tune in to my new show Prison Physics It's wine o'clock somewhere Give me the coffee and no one gets hurt Bless this mess

I like two things Pals and Prosecco And I'm all out of pals. One Prosecco, two Prosecco, three Prosecco, floor. If the wife asks, I'm working. Keep calm and keep drinking tea. Tat Attack! All right, everyone.

It's Tat Attack. It's been a while. It's been a while. It has been a while. Not that there hasn't been tat accumulating tat doesn't sleep tat's like dust it'll never not be a factor

there's tat floating about the universe and we'll never know exactly how much but it's still floating out about there I think actually we're due next month some tat is going to fly very close to the Earth. It should just miss us. But do keep an eye out. And of course the Mars rover is

looking for evidence of tat on the surface of Mars. They think there might be some tat just below the surface, but it's hard to tell. It would be evidence of course of uh unintelligent life yes exactly exactly a tat level culture um well this i have in from um sophie on instagram and it's a it's a lot going on

for one it's on a car door right by the handle and um the car itself is sort of a metallic baby blue and it says in cursive it's one of the classic two fonts in cursive it says DANCE and then right under it in ARIEL all caps LIKE NOBODY'S LISTENING so it says DANCE LIKE NOBODY'S LISTENING wow I mean that is next level

tat the tat's gone to your it's gone into your brain at that point, the tat. Yeah. And also, I like the fact that the fonts are kind of the wrong way around. It should be like, as a sort of instructive tense, it should be like in Arial Capital's dance, and then like no one's you know right yes you're right whereas instead it's dance like no one is listening

also what's interesting about dance like no everybody dance like nobody's listening is that someone's main hesitance when dancing is not how they look but the sound they make when dancing is not how they look, but the sound they make when dancing. Like they love the movement of tap dancing, but they find the tapping just excruciatingly embarrassing. Or they're in a sealed room dancing and there's loads of people

pressing their ears up against it going, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's that? What's that? Favorite dance is the soft shoe, obviously. It's the only one you can get away with I have been sent some good stuff from Becky Becky very sweaty

what the heck Becky what the heck on Instagram and these are I believe mini hanging signs so these are signs that you hang so they're not signs that say

like hanging next weekend they're not like signs for a public hanging they're not signs advertising the soon to be hanged deeds and misdeeds of a highwayman, no they are

painted in what I would call Cath Kidson colours lovely and so this first hanging sign yeah but like if the British Empire was all pastels gotcha yeah, so this first

one is, I would call it almost turquoise uh sort of blue okay and uh it says uh the the letters here are kind of pressed in with gold lettering and it says seven billion people on the planet and you're my favorite right yeah so you're as in the reader any reader of the sign yeah if you see the sign you are the science favorite if you are a pervert living next door and you've managed to find an angle where your telescopic lens catches this sign you are now this person's favorite person in the world. It's like a horrible wanking man

in an attic looking through a telescope. And he goes, wait, what's that? And he zooms in and he goes, oh, I knew it. I knew they're sending secret signals. You. Wow. Also, there's a presumption there I knew they're sending secret signals you wow also there's a presumption there that this person has met 7 billion people

yes yeah yeah yeah yeah and also speaks a great deal of languages yes because there's it's so presumptuous when people go of all the people in the world I love you it's like presumptuous when people go, of all the people in the world, I love you. It's like, no, of all the 2,000 people you've met,

1,000 people you've met, it's still pretty good odds. It's a pretty impressive number. But it's not 7 billion. Yeah, of the few thousand people I've met and the few hundred people I can claim to know in any capacity. Of the select group of people who have happened

to come across me in my specific life journey, you are the best in the world. Yeah, and the exception to this rule is those weirdos who fall in love with historical figures oh really well yeah well they're just sort of like uh obsessed with genghis khan or napoleon

or something and they'd sort of uh or sometimes you see that headline about like a lady if genghis if it's genghis khan that's like extremely distant incest isn't it oh yeah if they're from a of continental Europe, yeah, very distant. It's like really fancy Charlemagne. It's like, come on, that's your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great. Two hours later, great-great-grandfather. Yeah. Or every now and then you see those headlines about a lady marrying a ghost.

No church in the country would sanctify that union no I mean not even if it was the Holy Ghost especially not for me that's really marrying up the Holy Ghost what a gold digger what a ghost digger she's just with him for the ectoplasm

she's just with him to get into the kingdom of heaven god's sake um so uh there's a few more signs phil oh yeah this one is a sort of uh uh dark cherry color cherry cherry red sort of purple yeah and it's in gold here and what annoys me initially about the writing on this phil is that it's justified to the left format wise yeah so it's not it's not like central centrally justified like it's a poem okay yeah so the left hand side of the lettering is all in one line and the right-hand side is all jangly and I don't like that.

So that's my first critique here. And the writing says, some girls are just born with glitter in their veins. Ugh! A deadly ailment. Horrible. Yeah.

I think there's a treatment for that now. Some girls have glitter in their veins. How many lines is that spread across? Four. Some girls have glitter in their veins? Some girls are just born with glitter in their veins. Oh, man. Yeah, and it doesn't take up the whole sign either.

It's very weirdly printed. And if your baby came out and it had glittery blood, immediately they'd be like, did you fuck a birthday card? Why is your kid... Oh, there'd be questions about who the father was. If it was me, I'd have some very difficult questions for my wife. Is this...

Did you have sex? You said you didn't have sex with Peter Pan. You've been fucking the Moon Pig Man, haven't you? It's that Moon Pig money. I'm going to tear his customized congratulations on the birth of your child card in front of you. Tear it right up. Oh, man. Yes.

Glittery veins. The next one, dark blue. It says today's forecast, colon, 99% chance of wine. Oh, it's a classic. It's a classic. a classic it's a classic that's um that's part of the 100 steps of recovery um in alcoholics anonymous it's a percent every day so i think this person has just started their recovery tomorrow it'll be 98 and then 97 it's a long process idea of someone who's who's trying to stop drinking expressing how stressed they are how much they want to start drinking again it's a long process I like the idea of someone who's trying to stop drinking

expressing how stressed they are how much they want to start drinking again it's like weather forecasts how are we today 99% oh god oh shit there's a 99% chance of wine today I think there's a 14 chance of crack

i'll tell you what at the moment there's 100 chance of some booze in my house i oh man it's like christmas every day here i'm just drinking every day you being a booze boy being a little booze boy well i've have you been I finally got my crate of free Beer 52 beers. Yes. One of our new sponsors, Beer 52. Are they sponsors? But yeah, they sent us some beer. They're really delish.

It's good. One of them, it's just a little can, but it's like 9% or something. So I'm treating it like a shotgun shell as in shooting it into your own face when you've had enough 99% chance of shotgun pellets to the face

yeah exactly I'm going to start making tat Phil but for jacking it taps oh tat right okay yeah I'm going to start making tat fill, but for jacking it. Taps. Tat. Oh, tat. Right, okay, yeah. I'm going to start doing, like, today's forecast, 99% chance of wanking. It's come a clock somewhere.

Just a really wholesome tat for someone who loves wanking. Some boys are just born with their dick in their hand seven billion people on the planet and i'm gonna have a wank now in this house that kind of thing we what's a cutesy way of saying uh in this house we leave the door open when we wank because we're a family that would work for your friend and her weird underwear

habits yeah they sound like the signs you might have in her family home well she might have this sign Phil it's pink and it says roll me in fairy dust and call me a unicorn The signs she might have in her family home. Well, she might have this sign, Phil. It's pink and it says, Roll me in fairy dust and call me a unicorn. Oh, what does that even mean?

Is that a threat? I don't know. I didn't think... I don't know why a fairy... Why would the dust of fairies be on a unicorn? They're not necessarily the same. Are they known for barreling into fairies homes and stealing their dust crushing them to death maybe in the great fairy unicorn wars

i i like the idea of like uh you know in a movie where you have like a vietnam commander and he's he's chomping on a massive cigarette and he's wearing like a vest with grenades on and and stuff yeah and he's got aviators i like the idea of him looking out at a bunch of jungle trees and and seeing vietcong there and saying well roll me in fairy dust and call me a unicorn i love the smell of glitter in my veins I love the smell of fairy dust in the morning. You better watch your tongue, boy, or I'm going to cut your throat and watch the glitter come out. Gosh, I need to watch more Vietnam movies.

Yeah, man, you've got time now. You have time to do nothing but watch Vietnam movies if you feel like it. It's true. Have you watched any more movies? You only watched Silence of the Lambs for the first time the other day like it. It's true. Have you watched any more movies? You only watched Silence of the Lambs for the first time the other day, Clarice. I did. Have you watched any more? That was really good.

I watched some Studio Ghibli. Ghibli. Ooh. Which ones? My Friend Torturo and Princess Onoke. Mononoke? Mononoke. Yeah.

I think that's it. I saw that on Netflix. I should watch it. I've still not seen Spirited Away because everyone's seen it. So I can't watch it with my sister because she's seen it. I'll probably have to watch it at some point. You know what I mean? It's definitely worth a gander.

Oh, no, I'm sure. I'm sure it's good. I'm sure it's good. It's nice escapism. What else? It's just nice that there's kind of anime movies that people can watch without their virginity

growing back, you know? Yes, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or turning into an alt-right internet troll. Yeah. The only culture you think is as superior as white culture seems to be japan for some reason but it's never japanese people it's always the porn the porn so i mean sort of like those um like crazy troll accounts on twitter and stuff always have an anime

avatar yeah i don't know why i don't know it's good it's going to make history books very confusing is it just the conflation of people who live in their basements i i think so and i i think like it's almost become like a self-aware thing now like but but it doesn't work in the same way that self-aware tat is still tat right i see because while you're still doing the bad thing it doesn't matter that you know you're doing the bad thing yeah because they're still just like god imagine if i was lame enough to sincerely have an obscure anime slightly pedophilic character as my home screen and you go like well no one knows you don't mean it and you know who the character is so you've clearly watched that shit right yeah exactly okay yeah yeah yeah yeah like you can't

you haven't escaped this by just like doing it anyway that's not that's not a clever way of getting around it as post-modernism has only just hit the internet pier it's only just hit the basements around the world uh and one final sign phil so after the last one about fairy dust and unicorns we're now getting quite realistic and cynical which is very strange gear shift yeah wow like um what would this be nihilistic tat nilatat that would life is meaningless in curly whirly writing Yeah that would be good So this says life is not a fairy tale Which immediately comes as a shock

After the previous one Yeah I'm buying the book Life is not a fairy tale If you lose your shoe at midnight You're drunk Oh that took me too long for what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just seems like people who read Tat are constantly pissed on wine and gin

and covered in pink tassels. Is that why they're all in cursive? Because they can't keep their fucking hands straight. Yeah, I think so. Or to make sure that they can't be read um well i think early enough to absorb the wisdom it it makes sense because tat is only funny to the kind of dull person who thinks you know going to the pub is cheeky yes yeah, imagine if we went and had three drinks. That's what everyone's doing. You're in one of the most alcohol-ridden

countries on Earth. What do you think? What other options did anyone have to do this evening? The cheekiest thing you could do is to go to that same pub and only drink juice all night. Yeah, suddenly you're the most frightening person in the pub. People would find you chilling because it would mean that you were in that Wetherspoons

for the vibe. He's like, I don't drink, but I just really like it in here. I like the people who stand too close to me while I'm ordering and cough on my hands. I like it. I like the bright lights and the vomit-inducing carpets. I like it.

I like the microwaved food. I carpets. I like it. I like the microwaved food. I like it. I like it. Oh, God, I miss Wetherspoons. Yeah, we all miss it. We miss it. We miss the ruddles. No, it's cancelled.

Even once this is over, will Wetherspoons still be cancelled because of the things Tim Martin has said? I think it's going to be like everything that's cancelled, which is that everyone says it's cancelled and then keeps doing it anyway and just there's this kind of tacit agreement that we won't tell the two people on twitter who would actually care and they're probably in the weatherspoons too that is true also i reckon now's the time to get cancelled because no one's going to remember right yeah it's a good time to be cancelled

or do you think that the ferocity it's like having an affair during the second world war it's like people will forgive everyone will just think look a lot was going on or do you think people being glued to their phones and unproductive all day means that they'll have more energy to tweet stupid

rage at you no have more energy to tweet stupid rage at you. No. I mean, I don't think so. I think because sort of inaction begets inaction. And if you don't, you know, you just get more slothful the less you do. So I think people are actually getting lazier.

Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, this is the prime time to be cancelled phil so if you have anything just just do that now okay okay i'll leak something um and uh and special thanks i was gonna say to mary mary yeah i think i've gone through all the mary rhymes at this point yeah i think I think so. But Mary has handmade her very own Bud Pod Tat. Wow. Like a crochet. Well, it's like, you know when it's those things where it's like a circle of fabric and you stitch into it? Is that cross stitching? Yes.

Yes. And people write like, bless this mess and uh home is where the heart is or whatever and a little house with smoke coming out that kind of thing of course yeah well she's just uh done in in black thread beautiful cursive which is must be really difficult to do with thread it just says keep on jacking it and there's a few flowers oh beautiful i'd like to see this it's very nice i'll send it to you now um but that's that's i i have no context for how long that might have taken you but i'm impressed regardless that's a real commitment i mean if i that's what's impressive about that is that you didn't get through the first few letters that you didn't get to through

keep and go actually this is a bad idea and not worth my time you were you were totally aware of what you were doing as you slowly stitched the word jacking yeah and yeah and kept your patience as far as not to mess it up like Like sticking your tongue out, really concentrating. I've often thought that about the guy who did the oil painting of Hitler. Right, yeah. He's just really thinking, oh, I've got to get the shading right on Hitler. Yeah, you know they animated every hair on his moustache separately.

every hair on his mustache um separately hitler was actually played by several people with those ping pong ball suits on yeah hitler was actually played by andy circus people don't know this it was his um it was his first major role really yes and not only that he doubled up he played hitler and the first year of the war huge role stretching even for someone of circus's talent oh this isn't tat but it's quite a nice message i thought i'd read it i got it on instagram also from uh from alex a little a pod bud who lives in Paris. He's in quarantine in Paris right now, in le quarantine. And she says, I've been listening to Bud Pod so much during the quarantine

here in Paris that when I met my neighbour for the first time yesterday on the balcony, she asked me if I lived with two English guys because she'd heard us laughing. I wonder if Alex has been saying stuff back to us yeah or does her neighbor think like wow those two english guys really don't let you get a fucking word yeah they're rude they're funny but they're rude i think they're probably quite sexist because they don't seem to value your input or ask for it at all yeah and and if it's an old

lady neighbor they'll be like well you i'm glad you laugh when your friends who are your male friends constantly talk about jacking and shitting around you but you know they should think before they speak by the sounds of it they're just chatting to each other while they watch you clean the house and cook and every now and then they try and pressure you into buying some beer or something oh boy i i think i think that's the i think that's the episode yes that is um um another episode of bud pod there a quon pod uh thank y'all for listening hope it's going okay i feel like the weeks have started to go by quicker i think so if although i did a thing the other day where i was like oh my god i i i it's been ages since i talked to that guy and i checked and it was two days ago yeah yeah that's how that does happen with a few things yeah i've had moments where i've gone like

there's still a couple of things i need to get done a couple of little jobs i need to sort right with with deadlines and i've woken up going oh my god i'm supposed to do that and i realize oh no i still have like six days yeah yeah exactly i've done that where i've got the days wrong and i thought well it's going to be absolute chaos and it's like no you have forever you have forever to do this time enough but uh yeah that's it hope uh hope you guys are keeping safe and keeping indoors and uh keep jacking it keep jacking it guys see you next week bye