BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 58 - Isolation Correspondents Special!

Episode Date: April 15, 2020

Isolated Correspondence Special!Phil is going to be on HIGNFY remotely, the 5G conspiracy, Correspondence special: white jeans red cherries, Hannibum Rectum, German tat attack, Oktoberfest poo, lockdown exercise is impossible: when do you start running? Phil caught a man trying to burgle a wine shop, fake Japanese video game names, Mexican dick tat! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's episode 58. 58. 58. Is 58 a significant number to you in any way, Phil? 58 is 50 great. 50. As the Black Eyed Peas say, I'm so episode 58, you so episode 50 late. I think that's strong words for our competitor podcasts.

Yes. They're all episode 50 late. They are episode 50 late. Who would you say our biggest competitor is? I'm not sure. I think we're the only actors in our space, to use a business term. I don't know how many other um podcasts out there serving the same uh needs that we are i think that's true i think we're uh unique and the

nearest thing to a rival is probably just the news yeah um it'd be if you put if you turned on the news in South Park at the same time. Or just fart noises and the Victoria Derbyshire program. If you were watching the news in the toilet. Yes, exactly. Wear a morning paper with a shirt. Speaking of which, I will be on Have I Got News For You this Friday Podbuds

so do tune in on BBC One you're going to have to zoom in like it's your own relatives yeah like you're just checking in to see how Paul Merton is doing. It really is going to feel that way.

It's going to be strange having a Zoom call televised to the nation. Yeah, yeah. And listeners, if you haven't seen the new Have I Got News For You format, there's no audience there, so there's no laughs. And it really does turn it into something of a hunger games of jokes um yeah i have a bow and arrow yeah and um ian hislop has a unique uh whistle tune that he uh he whistles to um inform the others that he's got a joke coming he goes and then everyone goes oh he's gonna say something about uh the the plp or whatever you know and they salute while they do it yeah yeah they did the little

three-fingered salute on their head like you see sometimes in uh naval dramas or sort of cartoons. Never understood what that is. In naval dramas, when they do like the heels together, like Dorothy and Elizabeth of Oz, and then they put their fingers to their forehead, that's just a normal salute, isn't it? No, no, no. Well, the heels thing is like Prussian or something originally.

But I mean like, okay, so put your pinky over your thumb or put your thumb over your pinky and just those three fingers sticking up. Oh yeah, I'm doing that now. Yeah, then you turn the palm to face away from you and put the tips of those three fingers to your temple. Oh yeah, I can't believe I'm doing this on my own in my bedroom, but yeah. Yeah, that. Okay. I've seen that before somewhere.

Is it an Illuminati thing? Maybe it is an Illuminati thing. I haven't heard from the Illuminati for absolutely ages. Have you, Phil? Yes. You know what? The Illuminati's silence during the COVID-19 pandemic is deafening. Too busy installing all those 5G.

I was just watching Eamon holmes on itv breakfast news or whatever show he presents um playing devil's advocate for 5g conspiracy theories amazing amazing that people go like but what what but what about idiots are idiots represented on television who's gonna stand up for the dumb you're saying but people you know people have questions and they people want to get answers like questions about what if the question is if five is 5g um the cause of coronavirus and the answers are quick and swift no just because someone has questions doesn't mean they're entitled to search endlessly for it or ask questions about it.

Especially not if the questions they have are just, yeah, but what if it was, though? That's the only question they have. Their only question they have is, yeah, but what if I was right? It's the same thing as conspiracy theorists everywhere. Every answer you give them they come up with a new question that tries to drive around the evidence yeah yeah there's absolutely

no point arguing with them and uh and then after that i watched um eamon holmes's sort of redaction statement where he said in response to my comments yesterday, of course I'm not saying that 5G causes coronavirus, which is like catnip to conspiracy theories because they can go, wow, one day later, Eamon Holmes has to backtrack. I wonder who got to him. I wonder how quickly the Chinese 5G lobby got to our Eamon. It's amazing, isn't it?

Because you sort of think like, you think they'd be able to imagine a world in which uh assuming that uh they that they are wrong and that 5g doesn't do anything bad in terms of coronavirus that um a redaction would also have to follow like they don't think like that like if amen holmes had accidentally said shoes are full of aids then he would have had to redact it probably within a shorter time space. You wouldn't just start imagining a big shoe AIDS lobby. Yeah.

But these people have been hit on the head by something, I don't know. Well, to be frank, if you're going to Eamon Holmes for your news, I think you're probably at lost cause. I imagine people who come to Budpod for their news, imagine, where do you get your news from? And it's like, BBC Sky, Guardian, Telegraph Times, other, please explain. And they just write Budpod, probably in poo. I should take this opportunity to divulge that

I will be on a program with Eamon Holmes in a couple of weeks. I've seen it advertised. Really? I just want to know that it was recorded before he became a conspiracy theory apologist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's this program called I've Got This

in which five celebrities and me sit around having dinner and playing parlor games and then whoever loses has to pay the bill. Ooh, okay. I'm in it with with Eamon

with Eamon Holmes. But I do know that was recorded a while back. Who else is in it? In my episode, it's me, Eamon Holmes Alice Levine from rival podcast My Dad Ate My Porno I can't remember how it goes And

Stacey Solomon Who is a nice lady And a YouTuber called Hmm This is the oldest I've felt in a while LilZappyGuy LilZappo3000

I think his name is He went out with Girlella Girlella You're not helping me here Phil Wait For god's sake. Sorry, my reminder's just come up saying Bud Pod now.

I know. Wait, wait. Ella, is that the one who made protein balls? There's Zoella, who's the most famous gal one. Oh, right. This guy. Zippo69. Oh, right. This guy... Zippo69. Cool 69 guy. 420.

Hashtag. He'd be one of those people you've never heard of but who has 50 million followers and a billion pounds. Yeah, who's sort of like 10-year-olds can quote his semi-funny monologues word for word

alright let's do some correspondence we still got mountains of letters from fans to work through here at Bud Pod Towers yes correspondence from the before times before the apocalypse yeah it's full of hope you can smell it

and this is a good opportunity to catch up, you know, because the one upside to this quarantine is that we're all getting to catch up with the things we've been putting off for a long time. And here at BudBotTowers, we've been putting off a lot of correspondence for a while, so what better thing to do right now than finally catch up on it?

So, a correspondence special! Bam! Ring, ring, email, phone, your sister, your sister, your sister, Correspondence!

Okay! Correspondence! Tom gets in touch. Tom! Where's your mom Hey Pooh Buds Hey Pooh Buds Pooh Diddy and Millie Novelli I mean I got Pooh

And you got like a cute pun Yeah Millie Yeah I've got a couple of stories and a pop music. Yeah, Millie. Yeah. I've got a couple of stories and a tat attack. I've been meaning to email for months, but I usually listen while driving, so I always forget by the time I get to my destination, hence the length of this email. I'll start with the one that isn't me, as the other two are linked.

Interesting. This one happened at my friend's mum's workplace. I always like the idea that... Friend's mum's workplace. Friend's mum's workplace. I always like the idea that friend's mum's workplace. Friend's mum's workplace. I always like the idea that so like clearly something has happened involving shit that is powerful enough to get from your

workplace to a mum to your friend to you. Yes, there's a lot of barriers of politeness have been broken to get this story through to you. Yes, there's a lot of barriers of politeness have been broken to get this story through to Tom. There's been a lot of sort of, what a scoop! What a poop! moments.

This one happened at my friend's mum's workplace. They work in an office of about 20, and one day a colleague came in wearing white jeans and oddly smug about having brought in a punnet of cherries with them. Oh gosh, this is like a Benny Hill sketch. So they're asking for trouble.

Oddly smug about a punnet of cherries. Over the day they happily tucked away about two-thirds of this punnet inconspicuously. Interesting. It sounds like this is a Just for gags Prank show that you watch on the airplane You know Like someone walks in with a pair of white jeans And a punnet of bright red cherries

Going ooh I hope nothing untoward happens here With my brown spanking New white jeans that I'm so proud of Now remember The ambassador wants this wedding cake to be perfectly balanced. So make sure nothing unbalances it, for God's sake. Tonight's the very important evening that's in a vague and undefined way.

This was, so, over the day, they happily tucked away about two-thirds of this planet inconspicuously. This was until they noticeably sat up straight and stopped working. And this was followed by tears. Tears, Phil. Like a meerkat. Yeah. Wow! Suddenly up straight. This was followed by tears once

someone asked what was wrong, only for her to let someone quietly know that she had fully shat her pants. Due to the excessive cherry consumption. What? I did not know this was a danger with cherries. I guess it's a bit like prunes,

isn't it? Like any sort of amount of fruit. Well, she's just had too much fibre. She's made her digestion too good. Just like too much fibre and sugar and acid really yeah yeah thank god i hate fruit yeah i thank god i shit out painful dry logs because i'm never in danger of shitting myself at work yeah you you you shit like um like a a log you'd find in the woods in summer. Just totally dry, dusty. Yeah, if a posh dad came across my poo in the woods,

he'd go, yes, this one's good, and he'd put it in his arms and bring home for the fire. Yes, they burn real nice. So she quietly let someone know she had fully shat her pants due to the excessive cherry consumption. Due to the white pants, they did not walk to the toilets. So they had to be wheeled to the toilets in their office chair. In tears. Oh, no.

Like Hannibal Lecter in that weird gurney. Yeah, with a little mask around her anus to stop more coming out. I'm sorry. I ate some liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. And then the bit where he goes, it's just her bum doing it.

She suspended her upside down so her bum hole is where Hannibal's mouth would have been. And she'd be carted along upright like that. Hello, Clarice. Ooh! Like Ace Ventura, her bumhole's

talking to everyone like Ace Ventura. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's investigating the entire crime through her own bum. I like the idea of a backwards Hannibal Lecter where he murders people and then puts them up his bum Hannibal Rector it's Hannibal Rectum

the backwards cannibal Hannibal Rectum oh no it's Hannibal rectum. Oh no, it's Hannibal rectum. It's surreal and it's childish. Okay. Yeah, so she had to be wheeled in her cherry poop jeans to the bogs. Although I'm interested, like, once you've wheeled her to the bogs, I mean, you can't like hose her white jeans down.

So what happens? She just has to be wheeled out nude. Yeah. You could fashion some trousers out of loop roll. Yes. Like a mummy. Like a Halloween mummy. Yeah, that's true.

These are my new white trousers. She could TP her own anus. I don't know. So where's this going? That's it. Oh, that's it. That's all we know. She was wheeled away, never to be seen again.

Yeah, they just took her into the bathroom and they killed her. They just flushed her down the toilet. She's they just took her into the bathroom and they killed her. They just flushed her down the toilet. She's started a new life in the sewers where she belongs. They said to her, this is so embarrassing. We'll have to kill you and flush you down the loo. And she said thank you. She said.

She was grateful for it. She said, why haven't you done it already? Stop talking. But she survived. And now she lives in the sewers training the Ninja Turtles. Yeah, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Mostly in bowel control. The next happened to me when visiting a friend in Munich, says Tom.

Ooh, Punik. Punik. Punik, Germany. That's right. We stayed with his auntie who has a flat there. And this is when I discovered... This is when I discovered das Tattataken. I have in the past, in England, above a toilet,

seen a sign saying, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat. Yes, we've all seen it. It's a classic. Yep. Which is Tatta-tat enough, but the more concise German version

may top it, which is nicht spritzen, sitzen. That sounds like sit in your own piss. If you're spraying piss everywhere, you sit in it and learn your lesson. Very German. You will sit in it and you will understand why it is bad.

So what does it mean? It trans translates to don't splash sit nicht spritzen sitzen oh okay okay yeah it works better in german like a spritz we've we've heard of a spritz yeah but only in an apparel context context myself. Yes, Aperol piss, yes. Yeah, imagine the German being offered an Aperol spritz. They must go excuse me, that is disgusting! Well, they'd just immediately sit on it. Oh, they'd sit on it. You want me to

sit on my dink? Or knowing those perverts, they'd probably guzzle it up. Ah, Aperol piss, ja, danke. Or knowing that was perverse They'd probably guzzle it up Ah April piss Ja danke Did not realise it was this kind of party So he says

It's on this trip when I found myself With uncontrollable stomach rumbles Due to a bad burger and two days of Oktoberfest Bad burger Bad Two days of Oktoberfest though God burger. Bad. Bad burger. Two days of Oktoberfest though. God, this is so from the before time, Phil. Oktoberfest. Just

imagine it. Yeah. Any fest. He says any fest, yeah. January fest, which is the worst one. The least fun. January fest. What is January fest? New Year's Day? My birthday. That's my January fest. Yeah, likewise.'s my January 1st.

Yeah, likewise. Yes, well, likewise. So he says, I thought I had good control of my bowels and I decided to tough it out. While having a couple of drinks in the park, and it's decidedly classier while on holiday, and especially in Munich, I suppose, I realized I had a decision to make. Shit myself or shit somewhere in the park.

Obviously a public toilet is the best choice here. He says. Which is true. Ideally. Sadly they were not to be found. I had to take the decision to shame myself in a bush rather than my pants.

Oh yeah. Oh natural. I wonder what the German rhyme for that is. Nick Scheisser. Bush Surpriser. Yes I think that must be it. So he's going to. He's shitting in a bush. He says I thought this was the extent of my shame until i was interrupted by a golden retriever

oh no the most embarrassing the most embarrassing color of retriever to be caught shitting by gleaming in gold yeah it represents the opposite of what you're doing. It would only be appropriate to be caught by a large, sinister black dog. Yes, or a chocolate lab, at least. So, until he was interrupted by a golem retriever, and inevitably the owner of that dog. This person said something in German that I could only assume was sorry, only for me to follow up with okay, thank you. What's okay, thank you

in German? You know this. Okay, danke. Okay, danke. Danke. When is it danke and when is it danke schön? Danke schön is like thank you very much. Okay, okay.

Okay, danke. Yeah. Yeah. Or like vielen dank. Vielen danke. Like many thanks. I'm feeling danke. I'm feeling danke right now.

That's what a German stoner would say. So he says, anyway, I love the pod. And as they say in Bavaria, Wichser es weiter. Weiter. Weiter? I think it means keep on jacking it, Tom. Oh, okay.

Nice one. Thanks, Tom. Sorry about your park shame. Although now is a better time than ever to do some dirty protests in the park. Although there are police around now, so it actually might be harder in that sense. You would have to do your shit in the park while doing push-ups. That's right. Yeah, you're going to have to try and cover it up with squats. So people know it's exercise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you going out to exercise? I'm shitting in the park. Yeah. Not exercise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you going out to exercise? Yeah, that guy's shitting in the park. Yeah. That me? Yeah. No, I keep saying I'm going to, and then I fail.

Every day I say, like, tomorrow in the endless lockdown, I'll do something difficult voluntarily, and then you know what? I don't. I ran five kilometers the other day. Did you? Yeah. Where the hell did you do that? I ran up the canal over to Westbourne Park. How long did that take you?

Oh, I don't know. 45 minutes to an hour. An hour, maybe. A little jog then? Yeah, a little jog. A little joggeroo? I do feel better afterwards, but you never want to do it again.

I've never run in, like, in public, like, just in the street. You've never done that? Yeah, actually, come to think of it, I can't imagine you doing that. It would look weird. I don't even know. I feel like people would,

no matter how I was dressed, people would assume I was on my way somewhere Yeah, Pierre's late for something Exactly, yeah Even if you were wearing spandex Pierre's sure late for that spandex modelling gig God, Pierre's really late for that audition

for playing a cyclist Pierre's sure late for that audition for Dirty Dancing. What's the one where she does the dance audition in the studio in Lycra? What is that?

Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And what does she do? Is it the stripper film? Is it Footloose? No, it's not Footloose. It's not the stripper film. It's not Dirty Dancing. What is that one?

Hmm. Is it a musical? We're annoying everyone now. And I don't think it is a musical, no. But yes, I... I've been running around, but I always forget how nice it feels afterwards, so I never want to do it again. You know, I... Yeah, I've been running around, but I always forget how nice it feels afterwards, so I never want to do it again.

You know, apparently, like, our bodies are sort of... Our brains are designed to sort of forget how good sex feels so that you don't get bored of it, so you keep coming back. I've heard that, yeah.

That seems to apply to my exercise as well, but it has the opposite effect where I forget how good I feel afterwards and all I remember is how horrible it is to go outside running so I just don't do it again Like if your only memory

of sex was like how hard you worked Yes Like your only memory of sleeping with someone was like oh that took forever what a chunk of my day are you doing home workouts um i i'm gonna yeah i but i sort of i want to run in public but i just don't know like like all right so i go to a park let's say and i'm stood in like a path in the park and you sort of go like well when do I start running? What's my pace?

How do I know what my pace is? Yes, that is difficult Do I just sort of start running out of nowhere and people go oh my god he started running I know there's a real sense that everyone's watching you and waiting for you to commit to it thinking when are we gonna

oh really now? You never see someone... You never see someone start running. They're always running. That's true. You never see them sort of go, I've just arrived. It's time to start my run.

They're always like, oh, this runner ran past me. Maybe they're just doing it forever. Like how you never see a baby pigeon. You only ever see pigeons. Exactly. You only ever see someone already running. But I guess if, yeah, I guess if they're not running, they're just walking.

You don't notice that either. Yeah, and if they're dressed like a runner, you think, that guy's having a rest after his run. Yes, yes, yes. Interesting. On my way to the park for my run last week, I chanced upon a robbery in progress. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was walking along and I was

wondering about when I should start running. And there was just a guy at the odd bins with a huge crowbar just going... just working his way through the door.

And everyone's just kind of watching him because most people thinking i guess he worked there and they've forgotten the key in broad daylight this guy is so bold wow and and so i also ran past like going huh i guess i guess they forgot they've lost the key to that odd bins. And as I moved past him, I saw two policemen running towards him. And I looked back and he was running away holding this crowbar like a cartoon villain. Just running off. And I just thought, I trust people too much. Why do I have so much trust in people?

I guess, but it's that thing, isn't it? Of like everyone else is assuming it's fine. So you're a monkey. So you have to take your cue from the monkeys, the other pack. Bystander effect, isn't it? Yeah. And also it's also the fact that like. It's broad daylight.

Yeah, it's broad daylight. Yeah. No one would be thick enough to be. Maybe he was counting on that. Oh, definitely. Definitely. It's like the same thing where like people just confidently walk up to a lot of bikes and and and and and like um what do you call it with the the big snippers bolt cutters just bolt cut to the locks off and just take a lot of bikes and you go i don't think those are their bikes. And by that point, they're gone. Yeah, yeah, it was really extraordinary.

It's also different, isn't it? If someone's breaking into an off-license, you sort of go, well, even if it is a robbery, you know, whatever. Whereas if they were breaking into, like, an old lady's head or something. Yeah, but the response was... An old folks' home full of puppies and babies you'd be like hey oh hold on right okay yeah yeah i guess also like a wine shop is such a um a bourgeois

target that people thought surely not and also a chain of wine shops that was going into administration anyway it's not gonna have loads of cash behind the counter is it so unless he yeah knew of maybe there was like a very rare bottle that he knew about in there that you saw the only stock in two barrels kind of a situation and if only he found this magnum he'd be set you saw the only sommelier burglar i mean he looked quite cool. He looked like he has a lot of tattoos down his leg. And he was that kind of sort of hipster that always looks like they're ready to fix a bike. You know, they've got those short cargo shorts there.

And a sort of racing green T-shirt that's sort of tatty but not gross. With facial hair? Yeah, I think so. He reminded me of a character in Tiger King. I don't know if you've watched Tiger King on Netflix. So he had a bit of a crystal meth vibe. Well, he was actually the nice Renke character, the guy who managed

the zoo but broke his legs he looked like that guy, so he looked like a sensible dude, but no he was a wine thief he was a smelly ogler smelly ogler, yeah a smelly ogler or a burglary

on my way back there were so many policemen. They'd cordoned off the odd bins, which is fair enough, and there were a couple of policemen outside that door. But then around the corner there were, I'm not kidding, like eight police vans. Vans, all parked up. Policemen everywhere. And I thought, I mean, I know it's a crime,

but this seems a bit much. Maybe he was like a proper maniac. I mean, a crowbar's a hell of a thing to have in your hand while you're running around psychotically trying to burgle an odd bins. Maybe. It's very strange. It seemed like,

it seemed sort of premeditated. He seemed like he knew what he was doing. Because you can buy booze still. It's not like you can't buy booze. It's true. Maybe the online queues were too long for him. Maybe he was just a crazed drug addict where they just go like, I don't know, I thought I could get an armful of wine

and sell it for 3p. They're just beyond thinking it through. But he just seemed so together. He seemed alright. That's always the most surprising when someone just seems, like, alright, really. Anyway, what do I know?

Who knows what's going on in his life? Let's, look, judge not lest ye be judged. I mean, I very much related to him. I'd love to break into an odd bin. Are you kidding? Just for something to do, I think. Something to do and a little reward at the end.

Mm-mm-mm! Delicious. A delicious bottle of wine after a long day's burgling. So, Louis has got in touch. Louis, Louis, Louis, Louis! Yes, and basically So, Louie has got in touch. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie. Yes.

And basically, have you ever seen that meme of the Japanese baseball game full of fake American names? No. Oh, you're in for a real treat here, Phil. I'm going to look this up. Well, hang on. I'll read them to you. Oh, okay. Yeah.

So, what is the meme so basically louis says hi there bud chaps i've been listening to all the episodes because i cannot get enough of that poopy poopy drivel thank you louis uh in episode 34 you talk about the most american names uh did you know there was a japanese baseball game Released for the Famicom Where one of the programmers of that baseball game Had to just make up all the American names Famicom Yeah, Famicom

Is that like a convention For people who are really into family values Famicom Yes, I think it must be Oh no, it's com with an M Famicom yes I think it must be I think it must just be oh no it's com with an M Famicom okay

oh wow yeah it's one of those really old Nintendo consoles wow look at that it looks like a Transformers head oh I see so it was a baseball video game yeah yeah yeah but so it was an American baseball video

game but entirely made and released in Japan and they didn't have any they whatever there was a rush or something they just said to one of the programmers you hurry up and name all the players on the teams and so this some Japanese programmer was like oh fucking hell and had to make up American names

I love it I love it already and they're really good so let's go through these baseball players phil uh and i'm gonna pronounce them as best i can sure okay uh first on the roster here sleeve mcdykle sleeve yeah it's spelt like Steve, but with an L Sleeve McDycle Okay, next on the roster Onsen Sweeney Onsen Sweeney

That's funny because onsen in Japanese is like a spa a hot spring a sauna is an onsen He's called Sauna Sweeney Sauna Sweeney, it's with an Msen so he's basically he's called sauna sweeney sauna sweeney it's with an m2 that's fun sweeney m m sweeney yeah onsen sweeney next on the me i'm gonna go for a quick sweeney in the onsen um this one is so close phil i think we can all appreciate how close

this Japanese programmer got in 1986 or whenever it was. Daryl Archideld. So close. Archideld. He's nearly nailed that. That sounds like a character in a bootleg copy of

The Great Gatsby Yes, I'm Daryl Archideld of the New England Archidelds Yeah, and you're reading, wait, Archideld? Wait, what? And you look at the back and it's like It's like all those names in Game of Thrones where it's like I'm

like Waved Dillium and things like that. They're always sort of slightly different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like weird spellings. Like borb. Borby. Bobbot.

All right. Anatoly Smorin. Now, that does sound like an actual Russian. That's good. Anatoly Smorin. Anatoly Smorin. Yeah, that sounds like one of the great Russian novelists.

Yes, it does, doesn't it? Or like no one has ever successfully, safely completed this dance move except for Anatoly Smorin. So the next one, Ray McSriff. Ray McSriff. Riff Yeah Ray Mix Riff But Ray is with an E

And it's M-C-S Riff Mix Riff Is that a Scottish clan that was Really good at improvising Things on the spot They were the only Improv Highlanders. They invented Highland... Highland improv is done at the Highland Games, Phil,

after the caber tossing. What makes the McGriffs so dangerous is you never know what they're gonna do. Give me a place The Highlands Right Give me a profession Crofter

Right I'm a crofter in the Highlands Yay Okay What's a crofter? A crofter is like someone who I think it's someone who makes Like the stuff you need to put in thatched roofs

Like a thatcher A crofter is like a small cottage farm God, there was such an industry around just roofs, wasn't there? Oh yeah, if your roof is made of grass God, there's a lot of work Oh there you yeah, if your roof is made of grass. God, there's a lot of work. Oh, there you go. It's like a type of farmer.

Yeah, a crofter is a person who farms a croft. There you go. Right, I mean, that's not really answerable. That's such a... What's a crofter? A man who deals with crofts. That's such a fuck you definition. What's a rum diddler? It's someone who rum diddles.

Right, thank you. Yes, it's a form of land tenure and small-scale food production particular to the Scottish Highlands and the Islands. And formerly on the Isle of Man. There you go. That's why I know that word. Okay. Next on the baseball roster, Glenallen Mixon.

Glenallen Mixon, yes. yes glen allen mixon it's a good drink yes yes yes 20 years old glen allen yeah um mario mcalwain that's a good mixture of ethnicities there Irish Italian the most New York name imaginable yes the Mario McAlwains Mario McAlwain Raoul Chamgillan so that's Chamberlain with a G

Raoul Chamgillan Kevin Noggleney Noggle Knee Noggle Knee yeah sounds like an injury it does yeah and Kevin will not be playing baseball today because he has Noggle Knee

next Tony it's what they called arthritis before they understood arthritis yeah we finally discovered the underlying causes behind nogelny uh next on the list tony smerrick tony smerrick i mean that's the most believable yet tony smerrick he sounds like um uh an actor who played a detective in the 70s. Yes, or one of the earliest stand-ups. Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You'd hear an old interview with Woody Allen

when he was still doing interviews where people liked him, and he'd be like, I remember I was so inspired by Tony Smerik. The first comedian to ask everyone how they're doing. Yeah. The first comedian to ask if anyone's drinking tonight of course it all takes for granted now it's considered a hack but of course someone had to start it

and that was the genius of Tony Smirik it's like finding out someone invented saying hello it's Tony Smirik it's just and now we hit a real highlight Phil of the baseball team Bobson Dugnut And now we hit a real highlight, Phil, of the baseball team. Bobson Dugnut.

Classic. That's incredible. Bobson Dugnut. I mean, any players of the Pro Evolution football game in the noughties will also really enjoy this. Yes. Did you ever play Pro Evo? I had friends who had Pro Evo and I was amused to see that you could play as David Deckham

David Deckham Ryan Gills was a personal favourite the only aquatic footballer yeah that was really fun Manchester Red you had to really fun Manchester Red Manchester Red you had to play as Manchester Red

Manchester Red of course they can't use the names of the teams that's astonishing yeah all the logos or anything oh wow the cannon boys god's sake that's mad next up after Bobson dougnut we've got willie dustus well i like willie dustus i like willie does this he plays baseball

dustus is spelt like justice yeah great um in the name of jeremy gride Jeremy Gride Jeremy Gribes Jeremy Gride Gride okay Scott Dork But Dork is spelt like Dork is spelt like a French name D-O-U-R-Q-U-E Dork Wow like talk

Yes yes yes Scott Dork Scott Dork Sean Furcott Sean Furcott. Sean Furcott. Dean Wesry. Mike Truck. That's a good one. Mike Truck. That's like

a Japanese spy pretending to be American. Why I'm American, my name is Mike Truck. By God, that's a patriotic name. Get in here. It sounds like a pejorative term for someone living in the Midwest. All these Mike Trucks over here. Yeah, well, like they would talk about in advertising firms. Sure, New York, we want to buy Coca-Cola, but what does Mike Truck think?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's joe blogs and mike truck i heard joe soap the other day which is pretty good joe soak uh soap with a p right and what does that mean no like some random no no some random like some piece of shit you sit next to on the bus, whatever. Wow, Joe Soap's quite a nice name though. That's true, yeah. Now this one's quite hard to pronounce, so it's spelt it's a misspelt version of a different name that would be Dwight Portugal, but it's Dwiggett Rortchigal.

Dwiggett Rortchigal, Tim Sandal. How's Dwigget Rochigal. Tim Sandal. How's Dwigget spelt there? D-W-I-G-T. Like Dwight with an H taken out. Dwigget. Ah, okay, okay, okay. And then Rochigal is Portugal with an R.

Rochigal. Great. Dwigget Rochigal. Tim Sandal, spelt Sandale. Carl Dandleton. That's a good one. Mike Cernandez and Todd Gonzalez. Gonzalez.

This is great. So many of them is just clear mishearings, I think. Just like, yeah, Gonzalez. I'm pretty sure that's what it was. You have to admire the confidence to just go with it. Oh, yeah. was you have to admire the confidence to just go with it oh yeah to just go like yeah i can make up i can make up actual full names some of them pretty good i mean americans do have crackers names they do they do yeah they do have some weird names i mean and they're very funny about how it's pronounced like that guy whose name is

clearly supposed to be whatever it is it's it's basically mike boner but he claims it's pronounced bayner even though it's spelt with an o and well he would say that wouldn't he yeah what a yeah exactly it's exactly what a boner would say um yes uh so so so so i oh can you imagine if can you imagine the horror of a list of names that an american programmer had to make up for a japanese baseball team yeah let's not go there why why do japanese people always come up on this podcast i think we're low-key obsessed i think we have have to be obsessed with Japan because they just punch above their weight culturally. That's true. In a similar way to what the UK does, where it's like,

oh, it's not the biggest country in the world, it's not the richest, but by God, everyone has seen a lot of the media and heard a lot about it. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. Soft power. Yeah, I was very obsessed with ninjas as a boy. Really? You don't seem the type. I never cared about ninjas at all. Is that weird?

I couldn't care less. You didn't care about ninjas? The sneakiest men around? I just think they're so silly. I just thought ninjas, cowboys, pirates, never got into any of those they just seem really broad yeah what were you what what kind of generic uh job that isn't a job were you into oh i guess like hmm right that's a good question it sounds dorky but like inventors inventors you know like a Dexter's Lab kind of situation.

I was obsessed with the idea of having an underground lab. Oh, right. Like tubes and secret doors that would lead to my underground lab. And then I had like an underground network of tunnels that would take me anywhere throughout the rural uh city that i lived in right okay and so it was uh the power of knowledge and sort of elixirs yeah yeah exactly i mean we've spoken in in past about our our desire to to concoct magical potions out of our mum's shampoo. It was very much an extension of that. Yes, okay, so you thought,

I could make the shampoo into something interesting if only I had the lab. If only I were underground where science happens. Science is up to 30% more science underground. It's been proven. Henry has sent us some tat. Tat? Yes.

Lovely. Henry the Hoover, hoovering up tat. That's right. Hi, Phil and Pierre. Please see below for some tat I found on a recent trip to Cancun, Mexico. Oh, that's where American reprobates go for their spring break isn't it it is indeed yes uh it's he says it's these presumably are all for those dirty-minded spring breakers but i think they were drink holders but they were actually just crap polystyrene round things and one of them is particularly scatological hope you enjoy koji henry so let's have a look at this tat um okay so this

one phil it's in a it's in what you might call one of microsoft words more amusing fonts it's in a fun font and it says i'm here about the blow job oh no yeah and uh this is like a polysty. This is a polystyrene ring. Or like a mug warmer. Yeah. So it says, I'm here about the blowjob. And then underneath it just says Mexico. Is it addressed to Mexico?

Is that what the person said at customs? I'm here about the blowjob, Mexico. Just handing your passport over at immigration. I'm here about the blowjob, Mexico. Just handing your passport over at immigration. I'm here about the blowjob, Mexico. I like the idea that someone went, where did you get that? I'm here about the blowjob cup. Oh, I see. So this next one is pretty good,

Phil. It's quite a somber font. White on black. It it says i heart to fart i think that's um that's some of our merchandise isn't it it is now that's on the store it says i heart to fart and fart is capitalized and then at the bottom again it says Cancun Mexico people must know where these are coming from we must represent our beloved home

in the only way we know how the source of this genius yes people yes well I guess in a country with such a bean-based cuisine It's not entirely surprising, is it? As a national motto Yes, they'd have to love farting If only through a certain type of Stockholm Syndrome eventually

In that they've been held captive by farting so long That they've just come to empathize with farting's objectives. We heart to fart because we have no choice. We must heart to fart. My father hearted to fart, and his father before him hearted to fart. And so now I heart to fart. The trees heart to grow,

the birds heart to sing. We must heart to fart. The trees heart to grow. The birds heart to sing. We must heart to fart. It is in our nature. So this next one, Phil, is quite saucy. Ooh. It says in really big letters, it says, I'm shy. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, okay. So it It says I'm shy Yeah I'm shy

And then underneath in quite small letters In brackets it says But I've got a big dick Hmm Yeah I'm shy But I've got a big dick Is that Right is a big dick is it

right is the big dick then being submitted as the reason for his shyness is he going I'm shy but I have got a big dick is it that tone oh I see what you're saying yes in the sense where it almost should be and

right oh no yeah it's the explanation where it's should be and. Right. Oh, no, yeah, it's the explanation, where it's like, don't look at it. That would be quite a funny approach to take. I'm shy, but I've got a big dick. All right, so it's trying to make up for it. Yeah, it's saying, like, I'm shy, but here's this thing that should make you

be the one to start with me. Right, okay, okay okay okay okay yes um and then below the uh brackets uh qualifying sentence about the big dick uh there is a mexican hat and it says cancun mexico another of their very poignant national mottos yes i. I think that might be the motto of the state of Cancun or whatever it's called. The famously shy cultures of Latin America. Yes, the shyest

cultures around, I think, with the shyest dancers. So here's another fun one, Phil. It says, tell your boobs, and boobs is enormous in big, big letters, and the O's look like boobs. I don't need to tell you that.

Sure, one would have to assume. But they haven't been drawn to look like boobs. Someone's just put sort of little dots in the O's. So it's a bit lazy. Okay. Tell your boobs, in big letters, to stop staring at my eyes. The old switcheroo. the old switcheroo the old switcheroo victim blaming if anything gosh tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes and then underneath of course cancun mexico i mean is it is this is cancun sort of America's Ibiza?

Is it a sort of once beautiful place ruined by tourists from a richer country? It could be, yeah. It seems like most of these places are either once beautiful,yllic uh holiday destinations turned into horrible fuck pits or fuck pits uh or they're like uh devastatingly poor rural areas that farmed like one thing for hundreds of years and now they have to be like i guess now we farm one thing and we make these i've got a big dick cup holders yeah gosh sad uh so this final one phil just says lost the hair in big letters lost the hair oh underneath again sounds like dad tat yes yes this is like a creepy dad tat uh creepy dad sex tourist tat it says lost the hair and then in brackets underneath in small letters what do you think it says uh lost the hair gained oh a big old pair of balls you're so close you're so close lost the

hair gained an inch oh it's so good but see that's better You've already improved the tat, I'd say It says, lost the hair Kept the big dick It's a big dick again I was gonna go big dick, but I thought surely not again It's too obvious The craftsmen of Cancun would never Repeat themselves So it says, lost the hair, kept the big dick

Exclamation mark, bold And hair, kept the big dick, exclamation mark, bold. And underneath, again, is a picture of a Mexican hat and Cancun, Mexico. Mexico, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, it's the only hat in the world big enough to cover such a big dick. Yes.

When you hold a sombrero, a mariachi sombrero in front of your genitals, it's expected that your enormous dick and balls fill the entire hat. Okay, Pierre. So if you have to pick one of these to take home with you, you have to have one of these pieces of Cancun tat. Which are you taking? And you're not allowed to apologise for it.

Or say that this is for a joke. You have to use it. Oh, man. In earnest. That is hard. Let me think. Let me think. Well, your hair, you've got a thick head of hair,

so I'm afraid that one is beyond your reach. Yeah, and I've got a bit i've got a beard as well so i wouldn't even be able to pretend it was that yeah um i've just gone away from the email so i'm trying to refresh my memory but gmail's being a little piece there was them boobs staring me in the eye i mean yeah in this climate you'd be a fool yeah i wouldn't that's too dangerous and the boobs and the eyes, I'm not doing it. That's out. What was the other one?

You're shy, but you've got a big dick, mate. Yeah. I mean, that is incredibly the least offensive. Yes, and also the bit about the dick is in quite small writing, so people would need to be quite close. There is a humility to it, yeah. What was the first one? Oh, yes, i'm here about the blowjob mexico yeah actually maybe it's an easier choice than i'd first thought yeah i'm shy but i've got a big dick has to be the one it has to be yeah if someone

gets close enough to read the rude bit maybe maybe it'll work yes maybe it will yeah but I think that's very much a reverse causation argument if they're close enough to have read it you've probably won them over already yes also the rude bit's small enough that I could put my finger across it kind of thing while I'm

sipping my coconut flavoured booze question mark? I'm not sure hot hot beer? I'm not sure. Hot hot beer? I've got no idea. Hmm. Yes, I have to go with that one.

I assume your choice would be the same. It would be the same, I'm afraid, yeah. It's the only smart choice. Yeah, I think that's it, really. And so what... Well, that's kind of the episode what do you what are your plans for the rest of this beautiful sunny day we can't go outside to enjoy well today um i'm i'm going to try and finally finish uh death stranding the video game the crazy video game. I'm so close. Every time

I get through another 20-minute cutscene where I go, here we are, here we go, here's the finale, I can finally return to my life, they go, you have one more job, and I go, oh, for God's... Why is this game such value for money?

That's so funny. They just... You can never quit your job as a digital postman i really can't but you know it's nice to get out that's the main thing uh what about you um i uh have got to be a guest on a on a podcast that is run by someone who listens to the podcast so that's a snake eating its own tail um and i need to post some drawings to people i've done drawings for it's really impressive that you've started a essentially a small business from your home yes um i i sort of almost hope that people don't go too mad on the commissions thing because it it would be very funny if it was like, well, I would have written some comedy in isolation, but I was doing all these kind of like medium quality drawings. Like I've stopped being arguably very good at comedy to be almost good at art. That's my new dream, is to be a sort of a mediocrity in a different form.

Well, I mean, now's the time for mediocrity. Like Michael Jordan with baseball. Right, yes, yes. Michael Jordan. He played golf. Or was it baseball? No, it was baseball, wasn't it? He did golf as well, I think.

Yeah, in Space Jam he's playing golf. Yes, yes, yes, yes yes yes god what a film what a film but he was so self aware about his own crapness at golf he agreed to make a film about how he really must return to basketball I mean that's some self awareness isn't it

he made a film about how he was willing to be taunted by cartoon characters into being less of a fucking joke. Right, yes. I'm going to go send these goddamn drawings. I'm going to go queue at the post office like it's the damn war. When you start getting commissions from the Vatican, that's when you know you've really made it as

an artist. When a religious authority goes, your art's so good that I don't want to burn it for it being unpure. Dad is a compliment. He really is. To all the pot buds, have a nice

week. Stay happy and safe a nice yeah have a nice week stay indoors for god's sake and we'll see you in due course see you for the next week of the apocalypse bye bye