BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 59 - Glenn MoorePod!

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

This week we are remotely joined by special guest and excellent comedian Glenn Moore! The boys discuss other people’s “wet”, sea creatures, diabetes and disease names, treating takeaways like boats, open auditions, billionaires’ habits, Glenn’s poo timing.CORRESPONDENCE: being born clutching stuff and how horrible being born is, Welsh turd orchid on D of E, Dubairroeha – farting into a fan, horoscope accuracy and the stock phrases and shitty jokes people inflict on a junior doctor. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

oh my sweet lord it's bud pod 59 i believe how you guys doing 59 for some swifty swines it's um swifty swines phil wang here with piano belly and uh a a special surprise quarantine guest it's glenn moore hello thank you so much for for having me in your uh in your living room uh irresponsible thanks um but kind thanks for beaming in yeah no thank you so much for having me in your living room. Irresponsible. Thanks. But kind. Thanks for beaming in. Thank you, thank you very much.

Glenn is, well if anything, Glenn is the most professionally experienced in this game. Glenn is a news broadcaster and occasional comedian. Fuck you. Fuck you. fuck you how you doing Glenn how's the quarantine treating you I'm alright it's okay I don't want to

imply I'm having a great time or anything like that because obviously I know that sort of a lot of people aren't but it's it's okay I still get to do my radio show in the morning and mostly it's just j's okay i still get to do my radio show in the morning and uh mostly is just uh jigsaws and movies and video games that's that is it's at the moment i think it's um i guess i'm experiencing like the summer holidays of a 15 year old um that i myself probably like never had so it's in many ways it's uh it's it's it's really liberating yeah i, I mean, you've got the work ethic of someone who comes from a family from maybe the sort of 50s

where it's like you work so hard, it's like your dad is a guy who's like, you better go do that learning, boy. They only hope this family has. But with no real purpose or endgame. I was telling my girlfriend the other day that even on like holiday if we were on holiday somewhere like greece or somewhere like that me and my sister

would still have to do like an hour every day from like maths textbooks this is like during the summer holidays it wasn't even like a curriculum yeah i mean i was like didn't you have to do that and she was like no no because there wasn't it wasn't working towards anything why were you given that we were on holiday yeah i know yeah exactly it was a real sort of like don't have too much fun you're so now you're like the fucking around version of like uh the the the principal or the vicar's daughter yes yeah and i i this is yeah this is i i haven't had less of a work ethic ever this is honestly honestly it's incredible i love the idea that that in order to try and keep your child

completely safe from ever fully relaxing, you've turned, you've accidentally raised like a relaxing expert. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Although having said that, I keep seeing online, everyone's sort of like, God, I haven't worn trousers in a month now and stuff.

I feel I still dress too smartly for quarantine um like i haven't i haven't i still wear jeans that's still i still i still dress up i still dress up for dinner it's called a dinner jacket for a reason folks well my excuse is that it's summer now so i'm wearing shorts and sandals from waking till sleeping well you're wearing sandals in the house. Sandals indoors? Yeah, a lot of the time, yeah. That makes you sound like a crazy person. One of my housemates used to, one of my housemates used to, old housemates, this was like eight years ago, would wear sandals in the shower, which was a real insult to the rest of us who lived with him.

insult to the rest of us who lived with him that he, so grubby were our feet, according to him. So diseased and contagious that he had to protect his souls at all times. At boarding school, when I was in boarding in Brunei, everyone had a room and you had two roommates and you had a shared shower

in that room. And I remember once, my friend Harry, he was getting sick of following in his roommate Io because Io would leave, and this is Harry's own terminology, would leave a particularly disgusting wet. He called a little puddle

of water left in the shower after someone used it, they're wet. And he's like, I'm sick of stepping into Io's wet. I'm so fully on board with that. i've lived with people in the past who occasionally leave like a soaking wet floor and that's annoying but what's worse is a fully formed wet footprint that you see that someone's left they've just walked down the show because it feels like some fucking like lady of the lake yeah ghost situation but also it's so cold it's colder like a yeti has melted in and then direct

flow down the drain but if yeah if you if you follow the footprints you'll find a dying snowman i i think that the what would be more insulting than the sandals and the shower thing like only ever using the communal kitchen wearing full rubber gloves yeah full ppe um every time you're in the kitchen i i think um if ever you made them like a cup of tea or anything like that pretend sipping from it like uh you're like uh like you're humoring a child at their sort of garden party and you go oh delicious and you sort of raise the cup to your lips but you keep you keep handing back a full mug oh like you know like you know when you're in a fringe where like you'd flyer someone on the royal mile they'd look at the flyer and they go very nice and then they'd walk away and you go no i wasn't showing you a flyer like you haven't you haven't been more polite this way i don't i it's not about the

graphic design here yeah i don't feel better about myself but you've you've complimented it and not on the subject of um of being the clean freak in in, in Malaysia I knew a guy who, whenever he ate french fries at like a McDonald's or something, he would hold one end of the french fry, eat it, up to the end, and then he would put the end that he was holding down, because he didn't want to eat the bit of the fry that he was touching. He would stub out his french fries and touch his own hands. Yeah, he would stub them out like cigs. He would get none of the fry that he was touching. He would stub out his french fries. Yeah, he would stub them out like cigs. He would get none of the end

and then squish it and put it back in the paper. The most fucking insane thing I've ever seen in my life. He would put an ashtray on his desk and say, mind if I eat chips? Yeah. I'm trying to quit. But they're just too good

that was the craziest thing I'd ever seen that is astonishing that's like if you left the rind of a hamburger like it was a particularly crusty I mean that is kind of the point someone peeling a hamburger in the first place someone peeling a hamburger in the first place.

Someone peeling a hamburger in the first place, sort of peeling off the poppy seed bit in its entirety. And then you get to the meat and sort of peeling back the first... Like someone who would peel the casing on a sausage like that. I slipped on a sausage peel. Yeah. What? You did what? You made on a sausage peel. Yeah.

What? You did what? Imagine a sausage peel with a go-to comic visual. It'd be disgusting. Comedy would be disgusting if sausage skin was funny. Yeah, they say, yeah. Never see bananas being made. That's what they always say.

Never go to the banana factory to see how they make them. Never, ever do that. You'll never eat bananas again. I've always liked that phrase of like, never go see... Like, what factory was offering that talk? Like, I was never, ever given the opportunity to watch sausages being made. Like a disgusting Willy Wonka, where it's just Oompa Loompas mincing pigs. busting willy wonka where it's just oompa loompas mincing pigs

do you think it's called the meat boys and they have like various meat-based raps that they come out and sing after a child's been brutally killed in front of them yeah they've been minced um yeah do you think if bananas were made like sausages what like what are they mincing up to make a banana? Like cartoon characters or something. Oh, that's a really good point. What creature's flesh, when minced, is a banana texture? Sweet and fibrous. It'd have to be like a seafood that hasn't been discovered yet. A particularly squishy sea cucumber probably tastes like a banana.

But to get it, you have to dive deep into the sea where all the fish have their own lights oh yeah yeah that's a weird trope isn't it like i don't why i i don't for all i know those creatures don't exist they could just be fan art we've never i've never seen one of those light bulb fit. Why would they need a light bulb? Like, what are they looking at? There's nothing there. Because I have nothing to do with my life, I spent a good portion of time the other day,

maybe like two days ago, reading the Wikipedia article for vampire squids. And they're the weirdest fucking things. They live in the bit of the sea where there is no light like you can't measure any light at all and they have glowing filaments on them they've got like leds like they're like a shitty disco ball genuinely like they wink like red yellow green it's it's creepy and weird but those are the ones i don't believe when they don't have like a lengthy latin name they've just got a

pop culture based name and it's called like oh this is the this is the frankenstein tortoise and you go what come on grow up give it a give it a latin name that we can't understand yeah it's things are much scarier with a really long latin name if it took them 14 syllables to say it you'd think fuck this is serious that it's so serious they haven't had the time to call it the frankenstein tortoise it's too level it's there's too much levity in that for this dangerous beast this is serious you've been giving it a name for ages the name's gone on for too long that's true of diseases as well isn't it you want it to be a really long german name like uh phenomenon oh yeah phenomenon that's or incident yeah yeah yeah i'm afraid you're suffering from kreutz kreutzler ben stiffenstein phenomenon you go oh shit but also it's easy to group those all into one big category you go is that just

the one where i just eat eat every object is that is it that one yeah is it a type of slightly funny mania or or you could have like a inappropriately cutesy disease name like i've always thought shingles sounds quite nice yes yeah i've got shingles or rickets yeah rickets is very is very dangerous like fun rick it sounds like a percussive instrument ironically ironically rick it sounds like a nickname you'd give to a victorian orphan on crutches with rickets oh yeah massively so yeah do you think are there any are there any serious diseases that have cute names like like you were saying phil shingles and things but like flop like you have you i'm afraid you have flump flump yeah isn't dropsy isn't dropsy is very cute yeah as a kid i always thought dropsy meant that you just kept dropping things yeah um yeah but there are a few diseases that are really descriptive, but they just tell you what the disease is.

Mumps always sounded a bit fun. Yeah, mumps is close enough to lumps that it involves the lumps. Well, in Malay, the name for diabetes is just sweet piss. That's what diabetes is. Are you kidding? No, that's what diabetes is are you kidding no that's that's that's maleva diabetes sweet piss so is that is that is that type one sweet piss and type two sweet piss yeah yeah that sounds that's like something that uh like a horrible version of something that's uh something like like something would say to you at a strip version of something that's uh something like like

something would say to you at a strip club or something hey there sweet piss that's a horrible thing to say yeah like that's a that's a little thing you get called in a strip club where you're clearly not welcome there and it's like i feel like the strippers are bullying me but i can't i can't put my finger on it they're antagonising me with fetishes he's a pimp that no one respects hey sweet piss please, stop calling me that that was one time

I like do you think Phil that that's going to make people in Malaysia not take diabetes seriously enough where they're like, well I've got sweet piss, who gives a fuck it's really not the main problem with diabetes, it's like, well, I've got sweet piss, who gives a fuck? It's really not the main problem with diabetes. It's like, oh, no, my piss is all sweet. There's an answer.

I'm delicious, am I? Oh, boo-hoo! Is that like when more people die? More people die in female-named storms because it's usually a case of men don't take the storm as seriously if it's called Storm Janice. But like, well, actually if a storm was called storm piss would you would you stay inside but

if it was called storm sweet piss you go oh i might i might check out this storm i might that would be a really uh funny thing for to say, Glenn, to your girlfriend after sitting on the couch and being completely silent for a very long time. To just suddenly say, without looking at anyone, might go check out this storm. Why are you taking your shirt off? No reason. Might go check out this storm. Why are you taking that pan outside? And kneeling in it like shawshank redemption yeah you wouldn't take a disease seriously if the first thing you heard about it

was that it made your fart smell like cinnamon you go oh is it is it the gumdrop kingdom disease this is great what a wonderful fable i'm living in but it was strokes smell of burnt toast you can smell burnt toast if you're having the beginnings of a stroke and i've always thought that felt quite homely in a way you can smell yeah that's true you can smell a sunday roast the word stroke is quite nice because I like to be stroked. It's nice. So if you have a stroke where you just feel like a pampered cat for a bit.

Yeah, that's misleading. I wonder why they call it a stroke. That's got to be some weird arcane version of it where there was like, we call it that because it looked like it was like being stroked by God. Like it was actually bad for you but stroked so hard it pulled down one side of your face such was the such was the hardness of the stroking yeah just a very like you got just gone to see

a very strong aunt Your aunt was like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. She's killed a lot of nieces and nephews. What's a food situation like where you are at Glen? Are you cooking a lot uh no my girlfriend is that's she's really enjoying uh at the the relaxing nature of uh baking so um we've just been having a lot of really stereotypical stuff you know your flat breads your banana breads that sort of thing um and it's been honestly it's been terrific we started off with a limit of two takeaways per week one on weekdays and then one on weekend uh and then we realized

that was uh that that's too that's too many but like two takeaways a week is still too many so we have one a week and i found myself asking what the next takeaway is going to be often seconds after we've ordered that week's takeaway like it's i really am wondering all the time like when the next take where the next takeaway is coming from what genre it's going to be that sounds like an appeal for sort of glens who are in trouble they just they just they're wondering when the next where the next takeaway is coming from yeah yeah yeah exactly i'm like i'm just staring i'm just looking at delivery menus like all the time and i keep occasionally just putting stuff in the basket knowing i knowing i'm going to empty the basket but i just sort of go oh what would this what

would this particular combination of uh of dishes come to oh okay that's what i wanted to bear in mind for the future i guess it's fucking it's pathetic it's so pathetic that it sees me through you're like a dad looking up boats just just to see they say that the happiest day of your life is when you get a when you get a takeaway and the second happiest day of your life is when you get rid of that takeaway they've always said that there's a famous phrase i remember when when i was a uh a teenager and you're you're going through that age as boys where you're all getting into cars because you're just starting to be able to drive and like the guys would go on these sort of like searches online at cars they they wish they could buy but they're all still just sort

of slightly better hatchbacks and i was like if you're if you're gonna play fantasy why not just go for it oh no look how souped up this golf is it's like no just go go on the ferrari website come on live a little just just google Batmobile and have done with it yeah I love a real lack of ambition like that I really like there was um a guy a guy I lived with at uni his his um I think his ambition was I I'm I'm certain this is how he was, his ambition, his absolute dream was to be friends with a billionaire. He was like,

if I was best friends with a billionaire, I'd just be crazy. And it was like, but it's a wish. You can wish for anything. And he was like, yeah, just being friends with that guy who's got loads of money

and he'd give me some of that money as well. It was just so... It's like really wanting to be in a successful rappers crew yeah yeah exactly yeah my dream is to be in the entourage yeah i want to be in the background but i want to still be able to see all the rich stuff that's happening yeah my dream was to get down to the final two between me and daniel radcliffe for harry potter that was that was the dream just to get to the final down to the final two between me and Daniel Radcliffe for Harry Potter. That was the dream, just to get to the final... to get to that final two and have it hanging around my neck like an albatross

for the rest of my life. You could have been Harry Potter, Glenn. You must have been annoyed. I had an audition booked in. And the audition had to be sort of pushed back because we were going on a family holiday. And then, yeah, they cast Daniel Radcliffecliffe and i was like so is the audition still going ahead i was i remember it's really weird it's really really weird i love the idea that he was constantly having to go

through the audition process for every film like like in eastenders the guy plays ian beal has to audition for every episode of eastenders for the role of ian beal but he's just that good he's that good he gets it five times you've done it again mr beal that that was the first time i ever really got like hit hard by information was was on holiday and seeing these newspaper stands where daniel acliff is on the front cover of all of them. It's so weird to have the worst news you've received and you're like on and find out from the front page of a newspaper. It made me feel like, it made me feel like in a weird way, like a king.

Like that's how members of royalty find stuff out about their relatives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That must have felt very powerful as a child to see a newspaper headline and go, what? And like grab it and throw the vendor a couple of coins. And it's awful when you're on holiday as well.

I swam very sadly that day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had a really mournful lie down next to a pool. Yeah, yeah. You stared into a lovely big burger with a single tear then i did my maths textbook for an hour you did a maths textbook for an hour as a piece of unbelievably cruel that's so mad i know it's so bad like like it's so rare to hear that and for it not to be followed up by and then of course i had to go live in the cupboard yeah yeah like i'm amazed they didn't escalate on you glenn yeah it's it's there's nothing wrong there's nothing wrong with it

but it overall you just ultimately is profoundly not okay yes it's like if someone had a uh they had a car parked outside their house but also they had an unregistered car that they also drove there's nothing yeah like it's it's not great but it's not that bad but it's about what it implies beyond but wasn't there something a little underhanded about how daniel actually got that role in any way like his he knew someone or his parents knew someone or something well I recognised him from either a BBC or ITV adaptation of David Copperfield

where he played the lead role maybe a couple of years previously so I was like why were they doing open auditions if they go for the you know I remember when Star Wars for the Force awakens had those enormous enormous auditions around like twickenham stadium and they're like uh and they were like and

it's for two lead roles and then they went for like john boyega from attack the block um i was like well yeah i really love those auditions because people were so many people were turning up in like jedi robes and dressed like princess leia as if it was like the bino that they were going to go in the room and they go oh you you yeah we can start filming now we're dressed yeah that's great come right through we've got we've got the set behind us you've saved us a hundred dollars the auditions were open but you had to apply with a full film you had to audition with an entire movie how funny would it be if it was open star wars auditions and you went in the room and they went right move that with your mind

use the force and move that cup with your mind john boyega can do it or whatever like they they really just messed with all the fans in that level of cruelty. Do you think they just do the big open auditions because it's like a huge PR story that everyone will tediously cover by interviewing the weirdest people in the queue? Maybe, but who wasn't going to see Star Wars? I suppose. I don't know if there was anyone who saw it on a DVD rack months later and they were like, when was that? I suppose it's just a guaranteed way

of getting coverage, isn't it? Like you just say to the director and the producer, look, sit in this room. We'll keep bringing you Diet Cokes and takeaway food and just let this parade of hopelessness pass before your eyes. And we'll get on all rolling news channels for at least two hours repeated

throughout the day guaranteed and all the newspapers and stuff like it's just for free isn't it really yeah it's somewhat we didn't uh our hishard have a audition like actual proper audition for star wars why did i say Star Wars like that the force awakens sorry just to separate it from Star Trek and Stardust Star Wars Star Wars and stars in their eyes maybe he did yeah

I'm certain he did I don't know if he's been told whether or not he's in it yet well by coincidence I saw Evelyn Mock in spider-man last night yes i i forgot to message her straight afterwards but it was like it's a real leaping up in your seat moment whenever you see a friend in a film because you go because it's always just so brief enough to be like oh my god did i dream that yeah and also if it's your friend in the film and they're being like you know, not the main character,

if you're with people who don't know them, it's a really annoying person to get excited about seeing. Yeah. Because you're like, hey, do you remember that person in the background who said that line? And they go, no. And you go, that was my friend who you don't know. I saw someone in the...

someone I know. You might as well have just gone, that was a person there. A person played that part. I saw a friend of mine in one brief two second shot in the press conference room in an episode of Sunderland Till I Die yesterday. And I thought,

it's not even worth getting in touch with him. Like, I won't even message him to say I saw you, what's the point Yeah I almost texted Evelyn but I was so late watching Spider-Man Far From Home it must be annoying for her or like at this point insulting

that it's taken me this long and that I've paid this little attention to her social media Yeah I did this with a friend of mine a friend of ours, Kieran dowd who i was watching a fighting of my family yes i saw him in that flight back home and i saw him and i text him his line in the film but his line was something like get your tits out something like that um it was something really boorish and i just sent him that and obviously enough time had passed

from the film coming out that he was like what if he sent this to the right person i'd be like no you you that's what you say every day in our head in our head this person hasn't moved on since this one role and then they're just in my head the film was live or like uh you expect them to react to that text glenn by like uh doing the actor thing of sort of touching their chest thank you oh yes thank you yes yeah yeah a real i don't do you know what i don't know how i expected you to react and i don't i don't really know what i wanted to get out of that exchange and i don't i don't know what i wanted you to get out of it either yes exactly um on a slight uh uh slightly different note uh but kind of uh pinged up in

my head with the whole star wars thing phil i have a theory and i don't know if you have a input on this glenn that my my original accent is coming back more now that i'm not mixing with basically anyone else oh that's interesting. I feel like every now and then I'll be saying things in a way that is inappropriately South African, given that I'm not, you know, like it's weird. When you say inappropriately South African, that's a broad spectrum, Pierre. You know, I'm recommending shoot to kill policies to myself. Are you saying you're slowly being returned to factory settings yes it's yes it's like uh all my sort of well-spoken integrated britishness is being eroded by the wind on my own like a lonely like a lonely outcrop like sand

so then are you are you do you not talk to yourself when you're around just in your own company so you only realise it when you're talking to other people and you go god I sound weird no I realise it when I talk to myself like I'll use a particular syntactical construction you talk to yourself? you mean in your head or out loud? sometimes out loud

apparently it's a sign of an intelligent person I'll take that sure that's like I love the idea of like people who are really obsessed with just in my head I'm just generic city bankers in my head but people really obsessed

with just business and self improvement and people as soon as they read that immediately just start talking to themselves at every opportunity like the sort of people who read that like oh billionaires get up at 4 a.m so every day they get up at 4 a.m and just watch cbbs for like two hours this is what this is a billionaire thing this is what steve jobs did or they sit in bed just going oh oh i'm so just like then when you're so tired it's like your whole face hurts. And they just go, wait, is this helping? Do you think like it's helpful to become a billionaire to get up at 4am?

Because it makes you so angry and grumpy that you're just more ruthless for the whole day because you're furious. I had a theory a couple of years ago that it's just what billionaires tell their rivals. So that all their rivals are then just really sleepy. And they go, so yeah, we reached the top of the FTSE 100 because everyone else was just napping. By the time we got to like 10 a.m. They couldn't sell their stock because the guy was crashing after a sweet coffee. Because I think the reason they always give is sort of like, well, you know, it's 4am. That's around the time that Tokyo is waking up or that sort of thing.

You go, but that's not the time we're waking up. Like any country is waking up at any time. Won't the billionaires in Tokyo be waking up at 4am their side? So then you have to get up at 12am. The only people you can talk to is other billionaires in your country who are also getting up at 4 a.m. And all you can talk about is just how tired you all are. Also, by the time you're a billionaire, you have a thousand million pounds. You've earned a lion. Have a sleep.

Yeah, exactly. I've always thought it'd be a great way to leave a party, like a really good excuse. You go, so I've got to shoot off LA. We'll be waking up round about now. And I don't think anyone would really question it and then if they say what do you have some kind of business thing you go no no i don't just want to watch conan correspondence it's correspondence Correspondence It's Correspondence with Glenn Moore

More respondents this week Glenn, you don't mind listening to the absolute reprobates that listen to the show, do you? Honestly, it's one of my favourite parts of the show and that's not a slight on YouTube. But some really lurid stuff

is often cropped up in those. So I can't wait. I'm all ears. Oh, well, actually, I'm so sorry to bring this to a grinding halt, but one of the reasons, and we'd want you anyway, of course, Glenn, but one of the reasons we've always wanted you on this podcast in particular

is that you have a particularly interesting poo tale. I don't know if you're comfortable talking about this. Which one? Which one? Yeah, there's a few. I didn't know there was too many. Well, there's one specific sort of running

poo-related habit, isn't there? What? Oh, the timescale. Oh time scale oh the time scale yes about how yeah it's nowhere near as severe as it used to be but i'm because because because it's in the past i'm very happy to oh honest i'm happy to talk about every you guys are very open about this sort of thing so i'm happy to yeah go on let's just because the amount the amount of friends of mine who on podcasts have alluded um to the the distance between each of my bowel movements uh and i but it's never actually been explicitly and not not a geographical distance by the way glenn doesn't know no no no purely purely time-based yeah yeah and so it's once a quarter how How bad did it get? It used to be for years and years and years,

for the overwhelming majority of my life, once a week. Astonishing. I mean, I remember when you told me that, and I had to sit down, I think. I think it's a shit, because you were shitting far more frequently. It's all the more surprising, because you look like a healthy person.

You've got sort of rosy cheeks You always have a bit of a spring in your step And someone who doesn't shit for Seven days on the trot I expect to be sort of grey and slow No, what are you talking about? I'm fully in defence that this is That this is like a progressive

Trait and actually this is evolution Because I've always been Is this your wake up at 4am Are people going to say This is your day in the habit I have always I want everyone to rupture their bowels in agony I have always

Been adamant I've never understood why scientists Aren't always trying to find a cure for shitting I've never understood Obviously like Covid-19 is now the priority but before then why wasn't that just on the back burner because it's not it's not good is it it's not it's not it doesn't feel healthy as it happens it's not it's not pleasant it is weird

it is weird so yes why aren't they trying to find a way to stop that i just find it weird so i i personally think surely it's it's the healthiest and cleanest thing you can do to not have this permanently sullied ass um that you go it's yeah but like what what a what a clean bum you have if the last movement you had was six days ago amazing isn't so it's a principle it's a decision on principle you made more than anything but it wasn't a decision it wasn't it i didn't decide that um but uh yeah it was just it just didn't and it wasn't even like when it when the need came it was like oh my god it needs to happen now it was like oh uh i i could i i kind of need to go so i'll do that tomorrow when i've got a spare moment it was just i plan it yeah it just didn't need to

i could just put it off but in a way like whereas my understanding of of you you people um is that it's almost like it's like pissing and you like if you even have because i have that with like if i have the slightest inclination that in the next 20 minutes i might potentially need a piss then i wouldn't be able to fall asleep and i remember staying uh around a friend of mine's uh house in when i was like 18 and he was like we're basically having a sleepover like in his living room uh with a bunch of us and he was like almost writhing around under his duvet under his sleeping bag in agony and i was like okay he was like i'm he said i'm absolutely dying for i'm so dying for a piss he said I'm actually in agony and then he just went I'll just do it tomorrow and he just fell asleep and it was like what what have you

done um but I yeah I could if I needed one I could I could hold it in for a few days and not remotely need not remotely need one and also can I just stress because this is a question I've I've um I've I've faced from people a lot in the past, is were they enormous? And it's like, no, they weren't. It was just like the other day's worth of turds almost just disappeared. I don't know where they went. I just don't know where they went. But I think if they were normal size,

they must have been hyper dense, like a neutron star. Yeah, they dented the tur it's every time you took a shit it was like a really big church bell yeah if you flushed it you'd hear it sort of clattering around the pipes like when when like the like the metal dog in wallace and gromit it would just be creating tents i feel like you were trying to flush a bar of gold like in goodfellas, like when police are knocking on the door, like, just a second!

Yeah, exactly. Absolute cacophony of noise. Oh, man. Maybe the fatberg they found in London was just Glenn's shed. Maybe that was just one... Yeah, full of nappies And It would be so funny to see I was like that French guy

Whatever his name was The guy who just couldn't stop eating Hundreds of years ago The guy who ate glass and stuff Yeah, and then He got kicked out of a hospital because one of the babies is missing. Obviously, this was hundreds and hundreds of years ago,

but yeah, apparently he had visible smell. Sorry, he ate stray cats and dogs in front of people as well. It was crazy. Apparently, he had a visible smell. You could see just tendrils of smell coming from him. He had very baggy skin apparently the the description of him is absolutely vile it's brilliant it's a closest thing sort of creepypasta slender man story it's the closest thing you can find to a wikipedia article saying

one time there was a demon yeah yeah yeah there was just a demon we have no idea how or why but by god he was yeah um but so it's more normal now glenn yeah not tremendously not i'm certainly not um because we were a friend of mine uh said he goes about three times a day and we worked out that by the age of about by the age of about like Five He'd done as many turds as I'd done in my lifetime So like your shitting graphs are like Wealth and equality in the third world It's just an unbelievable gap that will never close

But I just think I think my life's all for better for it I've saved so much time I guess i just i still worry about what have you done with that time lots of pissing extra pissing maybe that's where all the other turds have gone they're just they had to go somewhere because otherwise i would have been about 20 stone if they were just constantly accumulating in me yeah and they'd accumulate exponentially because the rate at which you're disposing of them is not high enough there's just a tremendous

backlog pun fully intended very good and what a great what um i was just gonna say one day you'll finally do it and you'll just be like a four-year- old boy like you'll shrink down so much you'll just Benjamin Button yeah and for some reason all my suit sleeves and that are really baggy like every it's not a case of I've shrunk it's just my clothes got longer

what happened to Glenn well he shat his clothes long uh well um on the topic of backlog i suppose we should actually read some of these uh letters yes let's do it okay so um a quick a quick message from joe uh oh Joe, Joe, here we go. There you go. So Joe basically is referencing back when we were discussing about me being born underneath all the different Aries

signs and all that. Oh, yeah. So he says, I was just wondering, were you holding anything in your still bloody infant hand? I believe that Temujin or Genghishan was said to be holding a blood clot when he popped out the fanny which is true yeah blood clot as in a bit of dry coagulated blood or like um the caribbean insult uh i think both in one hand yeah he's just holding

a real wanker in his hand i think it is blood clad. Yeah, yeah. And he says, I think the Thracian slave and Kirk Douglas lookalike Spartacus was said to be holding a snake when he was born, which seems less likely. Also, what does that say about your weird mum? Imagine if the father got really upset because this was proof that his wife had been having an affair with a snake. Who the hell are you?

And he grabs the snake and chases it down the road My mother told me not to marry someone who speaks parcel tongue, she said She'll only use it to seduce that big snake down the road So he says, what pretentious item was Pierre holding? I would say, having listened to nearly every

episode of your ScatPod, that you may have been clutching a poo, but that seems anatomically impossible keep on jacking it Joe well it's not that impossible because you come out as a baby right next to your mum's ass hole and most of the time you swallow a whole bit of poo and that's how you

develop various immunities, bacteria and stuff so in a way you do come out holding shit But that implies As he came out He then grabbed her shit the second he left Yeah

Like Indiana Jones grabbing his hat Yes Don't want to leave this um i wasn't holding anything but i did have the yeah i did have the umbilical cord around my neck loads of times oh really yeah so it's a good thing i was a cesarean and i avoided oh yeah i'm still i'm vaguely skeptical about the actual... I'm sure you swallow, like, material, but I don't know how you'd swallow poo. Swallow it.

Well, because when you're being born, your face is facing your mum's ace hole. And she's shitting away. And it just gets all over you. It's so weird that if we all just appeared on earth we

sprang out the ground uh like dwarves and lord of the rings and someone suggested for like a story book let's make let's make up the worst possible way you could enter the world it truly is the current way isn't it very like every single aspect is is absolutely hilariously grotesque and i find it so weird that kids are told a much more loving version when their kids have like oh the stalk brought you or you know your mom and dad had a sort of special kiss and then they're given the worst ever reality and so i've always thought it'd be way better to just give tell kids if kids ask where they come from and give them a much worse version, like you were fired out your grandad's arse like a cannon.

And then that way, when they finally found out, it was like, oh, your parents fucked. They go, oh, thank God. I thought it was going to be really bad. For a Channel 4 show, it was like people reacting to old sex ed videos. And one of them was real footage of a real birth.

So like a close-up of a baby just being squeezed out of a lady's vagina. And I realised that that was the first time I'd ever seen a birth. And it was for a Channel 4 clip show. Like this... supposed to be important... magical time of your life is i was saving it for my actual first child but no i've spunked it on a channel 4 clip show and i felt

genuinely annoyed about that i was genuinely annoyed they just thought it was hilarious i was very upset so does that does that mean if if you are you know if you have a kid and you are present at the time of the birth and i go, would you like to be in the room? You go, nah, there's a clip. I saw a clip show on channel. I've done it. Yeah. You have to say, well, I signed an exclusivity contract.

So technically channel four owns the rights to this. Yeah. So we have an email in from Harry. Harry, never worry. So he says, hi, Pierre and Phil, founding farter here. So that's nice. Hello. I was never much of a fan of toilet humor as a boy,

but you won me over with your theory that bread in all languages sounds like a fart. It does. Pan. Brot. It does. Pan. Brot. Brot. Brot is definitely the worst one, because it's got the word rot in it, I think is the... Bread.

Bread. referring to a fart or a shit as sourdough so he says you he says you won me over with your theory that bread in all languages sounds like a fart and now I'm a dedicated crudist. Hooray! I decided to write in with my own personal poo story. Like many middle-class teens in northwest London,

I opted for DAV at school rather than have to do community service with the social outcasts who nobly chose to entertain the elderly in retirement homes. Oh, I thought that was something you had to do in part of DAV, wasn't it? Like, there was a community to surface aspect I think it was you could replace it with sport couldn't you oh okay yeah anyway he says presumably

witnessing plenty of loose bowels in the process so instead we spent three nights camping in Snowdonia being the prudish clean boy that I am I had planned for I had planned for four days of potential shits in the woods my weak supply of food consisted of white bread and squeezy honey whoa wow this would provide me yeah how about that this would provide me he says with the energy for

the walking but it would be without fruit or veg or anything else fibrous so as to bung up the pipes or at least slow the system enough that the poo would not be so sloppy but yeah this sounds like a very winnie the pooh diet is that what he did to stop himself from just shitting in hundred acre winnie the pooh does has to eat like that because he knows he doesn't own or wear pants and so the risks yeah absolutely if they're just falling out he's not fully continent yeah exactly yes so he's he's trying to uh imitate your natural ability glenn here um many have tried yeah so he says my teammates did not have such foresight so he's implying his teammates here

had you know 11 tins of jerusalem artichokes and prunes they were just absolutely devastatingly regular uh one day just as we were about to start ascending a small welsh mountain my friend who had been desperate to relieve himself of a large poo for almost a day spied a small and perfectly round hollow up ahead. So loudly, he exclaimed that this was to be his chosen natural toilet bowl. He ran up to the lip of the bowl and disappeared. The rest of us decided to climb the mountain, eat lunch and wait for him to catch up. mountain, eat lunch and wait for him to catch up. We then watched as our friend visibly lighter both physically and emotionally, bounded up the mountain, beamed and claimed that he has just done

a monster shit. Always one to debrief with the team, he described his experience in detail. Soon we were all familiar with the sheer enormity of his poo and its rightful place in the center of the hollow. As we were eating lunch, we watched with slow dawning horror as a minivan drove up a nearby road and unloaded 15 9 or 10 year old school kids. All armed with clipboards and magnifying glasses.

They all piled into the small hollow and started rummaging around on the ground. Some of them on their hands and knees. Had our friend's huge poo attracted the interest of the finest minds and toilet humor from across North Wales? We stopped to pass by and asked him why there were so many school children inspecting the ground. We stopped to pass by and asked him why there were so many schoolchildren inspecting the ground, and therefore almost certainly our friend's gigantic poo, with magnifying glasses and making detailed notes. Why, that's a place of special scientific interest, he answered proudly.

That hollow is the only patch of ground where a rare species of orchid grows in the entire UK. This is like an Oscar Wilde farce, but just turd-related. A turd in a hollow? God, it's almost too perfect. I love the idea of what the school teacher would have to say to be like oh no there's a giant fox that lives on this

mountain hope you enjoy still thinking about it still makes me laugh thanks for the podcast it's a small glimmer of brown in an otherwise grey week Koji Harry well thanks Harry that's a lovely glimmer of brown in an otherwise grey week. Koji Harry. Thanks, Harry.

That's a lovely story. That's very funny. Open ending, though. I wonder what happened. I think they must have just fled the scene. Also, outdoor shitting I find such a stressful, stressful concept. I think there's just so much shame attached to the act in the first place that anyone seeing you do it would just ruin your life.

Yes. I've never had to do an outdoor shit i've always been able to to indiana jones and myself at the last minute to a proper facility thank god phil um is my silence deafening um i uh uh no not out in the woods no I did once shit into a pipe of an unfinished toilet oh wow okay the sniper

they were building an extension in a new toilet and there was just a pipe sticking out where the toilet was going to go and I needed a poo and I couldn't be bothered to run back in the house. This was when I was a kid and I hated pooing. I was like Glenn, but without, but I still had to, I just really hated it. And so I just ran up to this pipe and just squatted over it and thought,

well, this will just go to the same place, right? And I just shat in this pipe and just stuck to the rim of the pipe and it just stayed there. And then I just ran back in the house. And the next day, the construction people had to come back to finish the job. And pipe and it just stayed there. And then I just ran back in the house and the next day the construction people had to come back to finish the job and the Lord knows how they reacted. I avoided them. Jesus.

Yeah, it was gross. It was very bad. I think such is the infrequency of my previous movements that I count shitting in a public toilet as shitting outdoors for me that like that is as bold and as uh as and as untoward for me yeah i suppose given that in

your situation glenn your shits could have their own google diary entry i found every every time i have needed to use like a public restroom i know that i it has been unbearably stressful for me because i've been like no this is this is for home this is is your fear that someone will come in i don't know i think i've just had bad luck i've had bad luck in terms of people just fucking hammering on the door or just um i remember once on holiday this is only a couple of years ago but once on holiday and it was just being this it was just this this toilet next to a beach and um it being sort of like dim like flickering lights like resident evil wet sandy floor and the cubicle had such a high

gap between the floor and the cubicle and an enormous gap between uh it was like when lieutenant dan goes for a shit in vietnam and he's just in full view of like bubba and forest girl like it was it you would just you you could just make eye contact with someone over the top of the door so i was really i was in like the brace position to try and sort of like hide myself as much as possible and someone was just hammering on the door the whole time going open it open the door it was like, just a minute. And they were furious. They were so angry. But they'd given me like 30 seconds

and it was just, and then as I left there, there was this queue of like 15 people like snaking out the door who'd all just been waiting for me. It was just agony. Wait, what? How long had you been in there?

Just a couple of minutes. Just poor timing. Oh. Awful. That's so funny awful I started like when I'm sat on the toilet of a public restroom to pass the time I practice what my reaction would be if someone were to

open the door on me and so I just try to go through my options just to get ready for it so I play it really cool and stuff I look up and like hey hey, oh, oh. I'd like try to come up with a joke. Like when someone in a rom-com practices asking a girl out and you see them in the mirror going, hey.

No, that won't work. Hi, do you want to go for dinner? What would be crazier than opening a door accidentally on a shitting man and he just does double finger guns? And says like, was that you go oh he planned that it's his catchphrase oh he's sitting side saddle he does a little cheeky turn to the left i i accidentally walked in on a an elderly uh shitting woman in in new york about five years ago and And she gave such a shriek and I was mortified and sort of ducked immediately out. And it was such a profound shriek that she gave that I was like nervous to check the papers the next day and for the next couple of days afterwards to be like, did she die?

Extra, extra. Grandma scared to death mid-shit. extra grandma scared to death mid shit um i once walked in on a in a train state on a toilet on a train and the toilet was full of shit and there was a little kid like like maybe like five or six years old a little girl looking at the shit like with her hands on her hips like can you believe this and then like looked up at me with an expression that said god what the fuck and i was like oh sorry and i just left and it was i still don't really understand if it was their shit or i knew i had to leave honestly other people's reactions to shit is is so funny and i find anyone like i've had this image in my head

for so long and it's not really like a character as such, but it's the idea of a, like a businessman who's so serious that he gets furious about the idea of shitting because it's like, it's time away from his company and it's time away from work. And he assumes that everything has a natural process and a reason. So every time he shits,

he's just furious. And he's like, what is this? This is useless. If it's like a, it's like Glenn Gary's Glenn Ross. I can't do anything with this. This is farcical. Toilets offer closers always.

Be constipated. That's why he's so against the coffee machine maybe in that film uh so we've got a really good uh story here for us to enjoy guys i i'm pretty excited by it i think um we've got it in from matt matt uh give us your splat story so he says dear the buddington peas and that's apparently a reference to the bodding the poddington peas what's the poddington peas it was a tv show i think for children in like i don't know maybe the 70s i think it's a it's a kid show yeah he sent a youtube link so i had a quick watch of the uh the intro and i recommend looking up the intro to the poddington peas because it is i would say shockingly synth heavy for a children's show there's a lot of synth going on initially and i find that very odd there was a real period of

like yeah synth heavy kids shows like every kids show in the 80s had the stranger things intro i swear to god yes and i still remember being enjoying but being quite weirded out by um the cartoon the 90s cartoon of spider man that was sung by a robot spider man it's sung by like a robot voice and it's very sort of techno heavy and weird um so he says dear the buddington peas and he says it's deletable praise but i'm i'm gonna sum it up because it's it's very nice he's uh he says podcast is great um thank you to my cousin flora and this is the reason i'm mentioning is because she mentions that he mentions her in the story thank you to my cousin flora who introduced me to your podcast phil we saw you at glastonbury after Sarah Keyworth, a friend of ours, and you smashed it.

Pierre, you're a new addition to my comedy world. Grandma Caveman's pop fizz clink nearly made me crash my car and die on the M27. Anyway, Koji and I love you both. We love you too, Matt. Thank you very much for those words. In these trying times, they are a real tonic. And I had kind of forgotten about popface Clink from Grandma Caveman. So that's nice to remember.

So here's the tale. My girlfriend and I, he says, Matt. My girlfriend and I recently visited my aforementioned cousin, Flora, who lives in Dubai with her husband. We had planned the trip for months in advance, arranging our itinerary down to the minute and planned every last detail. It was going to be the holiday of a lifetime. However, as they all want to do, our best laid plans went awry. Midway through the trip, Flora fell ill. Nothing serious, I might add, but all of a sudden our primary host seemed to spend the majority of her time in the upstairs loo. As everyone who knows that there

are two loos in a building understands, those who go to the upstairs loo rather than the downstairs one are, in a layman's terms, shitting their guts out. Up until this point, I had always been blessed with a gastric infrastructure that was, most standards cast iron i had eaten four day old fish and survived i had eaten a sausage roll i'd found in the back of my car that was three months out of date wow wow i had eaten two large dominoes pizzas on the bounce yes nice all i had ever suffered was some minor turd inconsistency. I feared nothing. It was the final night of our trip, when we wandered through the Golden Souk and explored the old

town, that an awakening happened inside me. Everything was, for the first time, not okay. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! It was around this time that a now-recovered Flora suggested we all buy a traditional Indian takeaway.

Convinced as I was of my hitherto trustworthy gut, I thought that it was only a passing sensation and that all would be well. It is worth mentioning at this stage that in Dubai, if you don't have air conditioning, you have very strong fans, he says. My girlfriend and I had such a fan next to our bed that evening and that's um that's um a piece of equipment not someone who really likes your work yeah stood next to you in the bed going it's okay you don't have an air conditioner a really muscular fan a really strong guy uh yeah so they've got this big fan next to the bed to keep them cool in the heat he says i ate ate that Indian takeaway. I hated every fucking mouthful.

But out of courtesy to Flora and furious anger towards my own guts ineptitude, I persevered. At around 2 a.m., I chanced my first fart. It was a fart that, had I not caught it, would have laid brown siege to Flora's spare bed and probably the surrounding floor. Wow! Unfortunately, the smell preceded the inevitable torrid flow of hot turds,

and I fired that smell straight into the fan. This then proceeded to blast my girlfriend and I with a stench of gastroenteritis and falafel with the force of a hand grenade covered in fertilizer. My girlfriend, a heavy sleeper,

quietly said, fuck! And then... What, just from the smell alone? My girlfriend, a heavy sleeper, so she's asleep, quietly said fuck and then gagged in her sleep so hard that I then did partially shit myself. The idea of an unconscious woman going, oh, fuck.

After a big fan has blown this thing over the bed i want to know how it then affected her dream and whatever she was dreaming so oh so she was she's still asleep oh yeah she's asleep man okay so he says my girlfriend a heavy sleeper quietly said oh fuck and then gagged in her sleep so hard that i then did partially shit myself well how does how does her gagging cause you to shoot yourself maybe this the the laughter or the shock of going oh my god she's just a shame just a little shame just shoves it out yeah yeah yeah so he says so this is that's the situation

he's in right he says i scampered's the situation he's in, right? He says, I scampered to the loo upstairs and proceeded to cack my lungs out. 20 minutes later, 20 minutes later, my word. That's an episode of The Simpsons. An episode of The Simpsons of pure battle. 20 minutes later, I got back into my bed with my presumably quite shaken girlfriend who said are you okay

to which I responded by running out of bed and blasting my hot bum piss so hard into the cistern that it hit Flora's shower curtain two feet away But like it ricocheted off the bowl Or just spray Oh dear But he sat down at the time, isn't he?

Maybe he's not, I don't know Or like he wasn't sitting down quickly enough Either way, it hit the shower curtain Like he did a little turn as he was sitting down and sprinkled this stuff over it. That would have looked for one second like he was rocket or turbo powered. Yes, absolutely.

If you caught that photograph perfectly, like the day in pictures on BBC News. But Phil, maybe it started blasting out of him while he was descending backwards. Ah, yeah. God. yeah look we'll never truly know yeah we'll never know the important thing is that we remember so he says

so he gets back into bed his girlfriend goes are you okay and he goes no and just gets up and runs to the loo and just another spray everywhere or as he says blasting my hot bum piss uh later in the night i cleared up my shit on the shower curtain with an antiseptic spray that i found which then made me gag and then shit even harder it's really funny that everything

makes him shit everything yeah the connection between gagging and shitting is really weird like i know that people find gagging quite contagious and if you see someone being sick you might yourself be sick but in this scenario the idea that if you saw someone shitting that you're like oh i'm gonna shit i'm like it's yawning well don't start shitting becauseitting, because you'll set me off. Yeah. So he says, I shat all night, and then at the airport, and then threw out a four-hour flight the next day.

As well as two days after my trip of a lifetime. Wow. Do you know what? I think my worst ever bout of shitting was also in Dubai. And I think I got sunstroke or something like that. But I was just, I was bedridden for most of the time that we were there. It was about 10 years ago. And I was, I just kept shitting so frequently.

And such was the ferocity and just the burning that I was like, nothing can make. I don't know how to get off the top nothing can make physical contact with my ass even my even my bum cheeks meeting each other again is going to be painful and i just didn't know how to deal with the situation and it got so desperate i sort of like got in the shower and was trying to sort of position myself and was like trying to almost do like a handstand in the shower because it was the only way to get clear it was hot absolutely horrifying really really unpleasant and that's when you know someone's in the room next to you that's the like i've had i had a really unfortunate situation once in a in a in a restaurant where um i i had to go rushing to the toilet which is just so unlike me but the toilet was like directly next to our table and it was just like with i'm still essentially sat down

next to her um but just with a thin wall between us and both of us having vastly different experiences like like so close you could have just opened the door and said oh could you get olives yeah it was like some sort of turd confession booth you you know you're having a bad really sinned i've really sinned you know you're having a bad shitting experience when you need to start thinking in like a macgyver sort of bear grills way about the equipment in the loo yes when you're starting if you're having a shit and it requires you to use your imagination and mechanical skills you're having a bad time so he says

when I got home I had three packs of dirolite in two days went down a belt loop and lost faith in any form of God anyway good luck

with your tours and all that this is from before the cancellations jacket jacket jacket real good Matt oh thanks Matt Matt the splat

that's uh Matt the splat how good was that that's great i really like that a lot it's nice to be in an exotic uh um venue as well yes yes um much like um the the poo of our listener who nearly shat themselves in Iran. Yes, that was a good one. He ran all the way to the bathroom. Yes. So we have Will gets in touch. Thing is, these common names are getting harder because I think I used them all up.

Will the pig swell. Swill. Gotta be swell. Swill, yeah. Will the ill. will the ill yeah ill will so he says hello Pierre and Phil I'm writing this email in relation to your horoscope chat

a girl I met via an online dating app I met a girl via an online dating app and on the first date 20 minutes in she got her bag stolen. After that disaster, we thought we should persevere onto a second date. And it was a New Year's Eve sort of date

before we both went to our prior parties, he says. He was a bit nervous, and it proceeded to be another car crash. After talking on and off, I managed to secure a third date on my birthday, which she didn't know was uh on the 21st of january making me an aquarius he says just like me and you that's right um and oh and half of me i'm i'm on the cusp i'm i'm the second half i'm 20th of january so i'm

the second half of the last day of a star sign which some people like you means you're the next star sign so i don't really know if i'm capricorn or aquarius i'd say i'm a capricorn okay based on what on the on the characteristics of the capricorn they don't they don't shit very much no i just well i just go by whichever one if i ever looked at a horoscope i just go by whichever one looks like you're gonna have the better day like if if capricorn's like you'll shit yourself and aquarius is like you'll fall in love and it's like i was born on the 21st of january today i think that's fair enough um and it's you know why not dealer's choice and weirdly on the being in 21st january i i've also been on a date on my birthday and not told the other

person and the whole time been nervous that somehow they were going to find out like i'd see my driving license because you think this is not it's a tragic way you've been on a date on your birthday isn't it do you know do you know do you know what it is i don't i don't think it was on my actual birthday i think it was on the night before but we met up we ended up we didn't meet until like 11 p.m um and so what happened was we were then like by the time a date finished we're like four hours into my birthday and then it's you know if they ask you you are then it is then your birthday yeah yes that's true must have been a good date 4 a.m yeah yeah that's a good one so so will secures a third date on his birthday which he doesn't know. After an evening of me being normal and bags not being stolen,

we finish the evening with a kiss and arrange to meet again. Since then, we've met a few times, but on the way to meet her, I was listening to your podcast about horoscopes and compatible star signs. I don't believe any of this, but when you mentioned to avoid the bull, she is born in May and therefore a Taurus, for some reason it stuck in my head. We proceeded to have several confrontations and now I'm very much enjoying my own company

Koji, Will I think I missed the crux of that she said what? she didn't say anything, he was listening to us on the way to another date and he heard us talk about how Aquariuses and Tauruses aren't supposed to go out.

It kind of stuck in his head, and then they had several confrontations, i.e. arguments or shitty dates, and now it's all, they're nothing. He's not dating her anymore. Oh, okay. Yeah, so that's another point to the astrology camp, frustratingly. But it's a self-fulfilling prophecy like they they i've

seen so many fucking tweets about how scorpios are megalomaniacs or insane or whatever that whenever i see someone has written oh i'm a scorpio in their dating profile i i immediately i can't it's like a it's like um when they do their studies on instinctive prejudice in humans i just my ape brain goes nah nah they're crazy i've heard it i've heard it enough times now that I can't it's like it's like um when they do their studies on instinctive prejudice in humans I just my ape brain goes nah yeah they're crazy I've heard it I've heard it enough times now that even though I know it's not true it's in my head well I guess if you're aware is that partly because of Hank is it because of Hank Scorpio do you know what I mean like if you like I wouldn't I would want to have a surname like Trump or Mussolini or something because I'd go well I I'm sorry but

that's so clearly in my head because you're a bad guy I would love to date Hank Scorpio he's such a charismatic man and he's so successful fair but yeah so that's a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy story from Will there and one last

quick email here from Rosie Rosie give us a posy show us a no and one last quick email here from Rosie Rosie give us a posy show us a no Rosie her rhymes flozy nice she says hi Phil

meringue and pian no jelly that's better that's much better it's good he says I know Phil probably knows who I am yes that's right I'm the girl um i said he says i know phil probably knows who i am yes that's right i'm the girl who shouted out koji in the great ex-racist halls of bristol old vic ah oh yeah uh oh yeah yeah the racist thing refers to a joke i did whenever i i was on in a particularly old venue i would say um uh isn't this uh beautiful this this place is 150 years old can you imagine what kind of racist shit has been on this stage and um that's i think what

rosie's referring to racist rosie yeah so she's talking about um uh i think like the influence of the podcast on her stock phrases she says i'm a junior doctor and my number plates were stolen last week i'm guessing it was a fan from the show uh of her incredible appearance on your show phil and while on the phone to the dvla i said i'm a doctor how do i get to work now um uh she says uh once i navigate the criminal underworld of bristol and actually get to work as a junior doctor i live a bum bum life this means my response to information that patient so-and-so has had diarrhea all over the walls is oh brilliant don't clean it up yet i'll come and have a look uh so this got her thinking about the stock phrases that every job gets from members of the public and she thought she would share hers. So these are those stock phrases, shitty jokes

that Adam Buxton would do in the sort of regional radio DJ voice. So do you mind lifting your top up so I can listen to your chest? People normally buy me a drink first. Oh no. Poor, poor Rosie.

Next time you come in, could you bring a stool sample they point to a chair here's one yes if you needed to ask that of a patient you'd make sure

there are no chairs or anything you could possibly sit on in the room and just watch their eyes dart around desperately until eventually you see them go on

the Ikea website on their phone I like the idea that it's like next time you come in please bring in a stool sample here's one sir you are very ill oh god

like she really plays it up oh no she said you're so ill that even this moment of levity could have worsened your condition any allergies? none apart from doctors wow that's aggressive that's even fucking mean

that's disgusting uh and by far the most infuriating and confusing by sheer regularity is how is your eyesight pardon oh to be fair i like i quite like that one i think that's quite funny it's only funny because it's wrong it's the only reason that's funny how's your hearing who said that it is kind of it is kind of correct it does work it does fully work how is your eyesight pardon yeah because i think the idea is a scene of uh boring dads at the gp because i think it does work because the idea is they they if if you'd have said hearing better said pardon but it turns out their hearing is so bad they think you've said hearing uh sir is there anyone who knows you're here with us today pardon

what no um okay yeah that does make it funnier but to a third party like us as opposed to one on one and yeah so she says she basically just says Koji and I think she saw us

do stand up in the before time film which is very nice and she says my sister Lily is a founding father who introduced me to this podcast after i told her about lou sanders why is your bottom so dirty podcast i'm sensing a theme ah yes thank you very much rosie and and thank you very much lily for introducing yes thanks guys for doing a bit of proselytizing work thank god um all right that's pretty much the podcast guys we've got a nice meaty boy here yeah chunky one with uh um glenn thanks so much for joining us glenn hope it's all right hey thank you so much for having me it's always nice it's been a real pleasure man um what are you going

to do for the rest of the day glenn um i've got to celebrate a friend's birthday, but obviously over Zoom, but also at like two in the afternoon. And I think that implies they've got such low self-esteem that they didn't even feel confident if they'd held a birthday celebration at like 9pm that people would have showed up. Should we leave that in or should we just... You can if you want fuck him yeah you know what

i actually i do you know i uh the person in question i thought i feel really bad for because uh i used to have a joke in a um a stand-up routine i used to do which um involved saying his name because it was just it was just named i'd easily be able to remember and the joke reflected very very very badly on him um and uh i did the joke on tv and just forgot to change his name and he sort of messaged me immediately and i was so nervous after recording because i was like it's it's gonna come out so i just had this dread for months and months on end and the second it went out on tv i got a text from him going what what and it was like i'm so i was genuinely like worried he'd take legal action um well i hope you got him a big present um but uh thanks for listening uh pod buds and um spread the word around and tell your

friends thank you very much bye bye everybody