BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 6 - Emails!

Episode Date: April 3, 2019

We finally answer some emails! Featuring Coolest Uncool etc, the comedy stylings of Jim "Jimmy" Bulbins, Phil's crazy wine stories, why we hate the sun, reading books, feral librarians, THE FIRST CHAT ABOUT EDINBURGH and we imagine having the devil on as a guest. Don't forget to subscribe and rate us five stars on iTunes and get in touch at @thebudpod on Twitter or [e-mail]! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello! It's episode 6, the devil's episode. So quick, they say this is the best episode, the devil episode. The devil episode is the best episode and the naughtiest. Cheeky, cheeky, cheeky. Thank you so much for listening to 5 episodes of Bud Pod. Yeah, we presume. We presume at this point, yeah.

Why wouldn't you? Who'd start at 6? Who'd start at 6? Satan Yeah, we presume. We presume at this point, yeah. Why wouldn't you? Who'd start at six? Who'd start at six? Satanists, I guess. Satanists would want to start at six. Maybe they sort of think, well, I'll dip in at six and it'll create a fun sense of mystery

if they back-reference anything like the Louis scale. Yeah. How many Louis are you at right now, Phil? Well, before my cafe, I was at three Louies. And after my cafe, I'm at eight. Whoa. Yeah, that's just what cafe can do. Don't even talk to me until I've had my morning Louies.

Don't even measure my Louies until I've had my cup of Joe. Someone vaguely told me the other day that the phrase cup of Joe is racist. Really? Yes, and I have no way of figuring out if that's true or not. But they put the thought in my head. So, I guess I can't say that. I don't know. I'll look it up in a bit.

When I think Joe, I think a white guy. Maybe that's racist. Maybe you should be asking for a cup of a whiter name. Like Tristan. A cup of Tristan. Maybe Tr tristan what's the whitest name tristan's pretty up there pierre's pretty white phil is pretty white but pierre there could be all sorts of like you know french-speaking africa that's true you know you could there's been a few peers from around the voir i could be from la franca i was talking to someone the other day who speaks French,

and I had been taught at school to refer to, I think, La Francophonie, as in the Francophone. As in the French-speaking person? Parts of the world. Oh. So La Francophonie. Uh-huh. And they were like, oh, no, that's very, like,

the tone of that word is quite colonial. Oh, really? But then the person telling me this was, like, quite a pretentious sort of art student at a university in London. But how much more sort of specific and...

Also, it's French, so if I can't say... Francophone just means you speak French. Yeah, but la francophonie would be like francophonia in English, I guess. Okay. It's calling a region, Is it finding a region by... Well, everywhere in the world where they speak French is what that means. I guess maybe they mean it was a bit like saying the empire.

Like if you said, oh, are you from the empire? That would be like a mad thing to say in a chat. Unless you were saying it was sort of a bit of irony in there. But the French don't have as much irony as we do but it's French so if I can't say la francophonie then I have to say les areas du monde qui tous les gens parlent de France and then by then they've gone you know what eyes just glaze over and walk into a bus yeah speaking of which, I got a bus here this morning. Oh yes. And a lady said thank you driver

from the top deck of the bus. Okay now first of all To top deck. Hold. She screamed down the stairs. Thank you driver. Hold your horses here. People who are listening in other parts of the UK especially up north might think what's wrong with talking to the driver?

That's a lovely thing to do. Rongo Pongo, this is London. Yeah. No one is happy. Shush. You don't talk to your family here. No one talks to anyone. You write it in chalk on the wall of the cave you live in and you hope the right guy reads it.

So no one says thank you driver here apart from the only place where people have said thank you, driver, I've ever been in London, is the nicest bit of London. As in poshest? Yeah. Poshest, but also suburban. So not posh as in maybe I have dead sex workers in the bath. Okay. Poshest as in,

Emily, Tristan, it's time to come in from clarinet lessons in the garden. Whatever. Finish your cup of Tristan and lovely lovely lovely sure you know the bit where it's like

somehow it's in London but it still has a village pond right right right sure bombs and they say thank you driver they're like thank you driver

do you say thank you driver never no I do it if I'm up north and all the other people are saying it because I don't want them to sniff me out. I'll tell you once I got off a train in the north and the train driver looked out the window and waved me goodbye. The train.

I lost my mind. I just stood there mouth agape for five minutes. I couldn't believe what had happened. And so was this, because we're both comedians, we hit the road sometimes. We hit the rails. We're old road dogs riding the rails on the road. And road rails. And was this one of those places, those gigs up north, which we have both done, where you end up getting a one-carriage train?

I got a one-carriage train to Lincoln. And was that the guy? No, this was a separate issue. It was a bigger train that he waved you from. Yeah, it was a lady. It was a lady train driver. Martin. Reference to Adam and Joe.

A woman. A woman. A woman. Thank you, Adam and Joe, for inspiring us. I got off the train, and she looked out the window, and she waved bye, and went, do-do! Chugged away.

That is absolutely mentaloid. That's insane. You're also quite nice, I suppose. But so wait a minute. But she did that here. I think she was insane. You'd call the British Transport Police. Yeah, and they'd arrest her on the spot.

They'd say, have you noticed anything out of the ordinary? Yes. The train lady waved me goodbye. Someone tried to talk to me. So hang on a minute. This woman on this goddamn bus, not only did she talk to the driver, she talked to the driver from the top deck.

She shouted it down from the top of the bus. But hang on. If she was at the top. Like through the floor. Because you're supposed to say thank you to the driver as you leave. Yeah. So she was just thanking the driver for letting her get on the bus. Was she leaving or what?

I think she was actually on the way down. Oh. But just saying thank you to driver, from the top. She was so grateful. She couldn't wait for the 10 seconds of going down the stairs. She was... I often... Sometimes on London, you get trapped on the stairs, don't you? And you're weaving about as the bus goes around corners.

And you're having to hold on to the stair railings. And it's fun to pretend you're on a ship in a storm. You're going to be on a pirate ship going, whoa, what a stormy sea. In your own head, of course. Thank you, pirate driver. Don't say that. Thank you, captain. Thank you, matey.

Thank you, matey. Yeah, that's weird did you see this woman did you catch sight of her a glimpse you glimpsed her she flashed away

she flashed she was really grateful to the driver thank you driver is that if you think the driver would appreciate that quick flash

from his customers? Or her customers? Or their customers? I reckon bus drivers get flashed a lot. Yeah? No. Well, actually. They all switcheroo there.

They might get a few dicks. I reckon you can get a few dicks after like 1am. Like the night bus must get a few. If you work nights in London, you're going to see some shaft. Yeah. That's just stats to see some shaft. Yeah. That's just stats, I'm afraid. Yeah. That's just part and parcel of being in a 24-hour city.

Rich urban life. Which is also the name of, I think we should start a fashion label. Rich urban life. Rich urban life. That just has a gap on the crotch? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. It has a sort of... Crotchless.

All our pieces are crotchless. They're crotchless because we presume that you're going to buy a codpiece from somewhere. That's your problem, though. We don't actually sell them. Right, okay, okay. Although, to be fair, a sort of black codpiece with Rich Urban Life

written on it in white. Sounds kind of good. Yeah, it's urban life written on it in white. Sounds quite good. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Rich urban life. I have a vision. A vision for this great island nation of ours, and not just one island like the big island where most of us live, but the little ones. The island with sheeps on and little weird murders happen.

And the northern island, which is part of a different island, but it's one of ours as well, even though it's attached with mud to another one. All the islands and that bit of the Caribbean. All the islands and that bit of the Caribbean. Here we are! All the islands we have. I have a vision that one day every human being in these islands is going to be treated as well as a middle-aged couple treat their annoying dog. Everyone will have a basket that's more expensive than a child's bed. Everyone will have high-quality duck meat that's been harvested by actual game hunters in

an artisanal food, because if you go walking in the park, especially on Hampstead Heath, you know and know you want the dog to have good energy and eat natural food, not dry food. And then, and everyone will have toys that cost too much, considering that they're simpler than the very cheapest, low quality child's toys from shops that have named the guy who runs them made-up before he'd fully learned English. Someday, that is my vision for this great nation of the lullabies. Emails. Emails. Emails.

We've been getting some emails from correspondents, which we only get to a bit late because we're trying to do a time lag thing because Phil has to go to Australia. And he may be in Australia as you listen to this. As we speak. That's what the time lag did. Not as we speak now, but as we speak when you hear it. Yeah, you idiot. Well, I guess you're not an idiot because you live in the future

and are therefore smarter than me. That's true. You know more than I do. Even the dumbest person alive today, Pierre, tomorrow will be smarter than you are now. That's it. That's very true. Because they'll know things.

I often think that about like uh the the the person in the uk now with like one of the worst lives lives better than the greatest byzantine emperor because even the most powerful like byzantine emperor if he was like oh i've got a cut on my knee they'd be like well it was nice knowing you hopefully the entire empire won't crumble because you died of an infected knee. Whereas even like a dum-dum who lives an absolute bum-bum life has antibiotics

through the NHS. They can just go get medicine. Go to Tesco Express and have any food in the world. Any food in the world. Also like the shittest bed now is better than the best bed. You know? Carpet.

Carpet. Anyway. Emails, emails, emails. And oh, for fans of my favorite podcast, all seven of you, it's an old friend, an old fan, an old... Foe? No, fan of my favourite podcast is now a new fan of us great

Filly Willy it's Virginia Steppenwolf oh yeah I remember Virginia Steppenwolf from getting in touch with on your podcast a lot MFP yeah

so she sent us quite the email she says hello P and also P nice it's weird that she named me first

well she says I won't say who is which P, so you both feel important. Oh, it's like the round table. She gotcha. Okay, great. I've been enjoying all... She says, this is how long ago this will have been. I've been enjoying all two episodes. Okay.

Sorry for the delay. Of your internet talking show so far, thank you for making it. It's our pleasure. I was just listening to your Budcast. Budpod, weren't you? Yeah, on my way to work. And I stopped at a very popular New England coffee shop to get a nitro cold brew. A popular New England coffee shop?

Yes, New England is a place in America. Yeah, but I can't think of any New England coffee shops. Oh, she's in New England. Yes. Oh, she's an American. I assume so. I see. Fair enough.

I stopped at a very popular New England coffee shop to get a nitro cold brew, because regular coffee doesn't fuck me up enough. I also like that it's smoother and they don't put ice in it. Fair dues. We all't put ice in it. Fair dues. We all know restaurant ice contains poo. I've heard that. Anyway. Everything contains poo.

That story came out after McDonald's introduced all their touchscreens in the McDonald's. And there's always a small amount of fecal bacteria. Yeah, a report said there's always a small amount of fecal bacteria. Yeah, a report said every screen has a small amount of fecal bacteria. That's because the world has a small amount of fecal bacteria.

The world's covered. We all shit all the time. Yeah, constantly. There's, when I shake your hand, I'm sharing some shit with you. Yeah, visibly. No, my hands are. You should have your hands. But there was a great David Mitchell column ages ago, which is always stuck in my head,

where he says, if that's true, then clearly it doesn't matter. Yeah. So finding out that it's true doesn't actually change anything because it's been fine up till now. If anything, it's good news. Yes.

You should be reading that story about McDonald's poo screens and going, I am impervious to poo. I'm poo-proof. I'm poo-proof. I'm poo-proof. I've been poo-proofed. Anyway, she says, I assume it's a she given Virginia Steppenwolf.

Anyway, I pulled up to the window and the coffee shop lady repeats my order back to me. So the order was a nitro cold brew. So she pulls up and says, a nitro cold brew. And the lady says, a nitro cold brew. She repeats my order back says, a nitro cold brew. And the lady says, a nitro cold brew. She repeats my order back to me. I confirm it and she makes a face, shudders and goes,

as if I've just ordered a cup of steamy cat shit and asked her to baby bird it into my mouth. I didn't know what to do. So I just said, okay, thank you. I didn't know what to do. So I just said, okay, thank you. I didn't know what to do, so I just said, okay, thank you. Like I realized I'm some kind of depraved asshole and drove off. Why didn't you get the coffee?

I just drove away. She went, okay, thank you, and just drove away. Because the person went, eww. Something they sell. Can I have a nitro cold brew? A nitro cold brew? A nitro cold brew. Okay, thank you.

That's funny. That's very funny. That's like, okay, thank you is a funny thing to say at any kind of rejection. Do you want me to get a drink sometime? No. Okay, thank you. Okay, thank you.? Uh, no. Okay, thank you. Okay, thank you. And then run away.

Okay, thank you. And like that noise of someone sprinting down the street like... Will you marry me? I... I... No. Okay, thank you. Close the ring. And then just...

Into the distance like... That noise of like trainer on pavement. Just never see him again. So have either of you ever ordered something seemingly innocuous only to be met with a disgusted reaction by the person you've ordered it from? person you've ordered it from. What gives them the idea that making me feel like a poop drinker is going to make me come back and continue to patronize their establishment? I doubt they even care, frowning face. I once asked for, when I started university at the college bar, I asked the barman, who

was a bit of a dickhead really mm-hmm he couldn't quite manage the separation between being a pal everyone's pal and being in charge a member of staff and he and I ordered a Guinness and black oh yeah yeah was Guinness and black car and syrup yeah and he said Guinness and black eww don't ruin a Guinness really and then I said

alright I'll just have an old Guinness and then he said come on stick by your guns I was just like you know what I'm not gonna drink

anymore then I just won't drink now because I can't do anything right yeah this is before i learned to stand up for myself but but also it's like i didn't come here to be to purchase drinks from the riddler i didn't come here to be taught a life lesson through your stupid fucking comments on things but it was like it was sort of toxic masculinity in both possible forms

first making fun of me for wanting fruit in my drink. And then making fun of me for not being man enough to demand that I have fruit in my drink. Yeah. So they were like, well, don't take the tutu off. Just because I told you to. Yeah. Your tutu wearing. That's the ultimate.

Daisy. That's the ultimate bullying. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Nice, nice dress nerd What happened to your dress nerd You stopped wearing your dress just because someone told you to You fucking nerd

People like that need A slap in the face You see my first instinct was to solve the problem with violence And that is what we're talking about He was fired eventually so Was it to do with drinks Or just He just was in general not being professional I think He was fired eventually, so. All right. That's fine. Was it to do with drinks or just? He just was in general not being professional, I think.

Yeah. He sounds unpleasant. Addendum. Yeah. Addendum. Addendum. Addendum. What did you call me?

He was a bit of a dumb dumb, actually. He was a bit of a dumb dumb. Also, there's a bit more email. Oh, this is Virginia continuing, yeah. Also, I was outside At my dad's house the other day Which is generally a mistake in Florida Florida now? I thought we were in New England

Oh but the parents live in American parents live in Florida All Americans after a certain age The jewel in their palm starts to glow And they have to move to Florida I've learned that from sitcoms and movies Also I was at my dad's house The other day, which is generally a mistake in Florida, and a hawk swooped down and ripped my hair from its elastic.

Sugar Eagle. Yeah. Hairhawk. Hairhawk. Right, I'm doing that. Hairhawk. Hairhawk. I think it thought my hair was a squirrel

perched on top of my head or something. I've attached a photo of the actual bird below for reference. And there is a photo. A photo she took? Yeah, of the hawk. Let me see. It's on the eve. On the eve or what do we call it? Oh, there it is, yeah.

It's perched on the guttering. There we go. Well, thanks Virginia for the photo. It's a lovely hawk.tering. There we go. It's a bird. Well, thanks, Virginia, for the photo. It's a lovely hawk. Imagine just having a hawk on your house. A house hawk. Two things I've never seen in London are hawks and drive-thrus. So I feel pretty good about this upcoming visit. Right.

Okay, she's going to avoid the two sources of stress. And there are drive-thrus, but certainly not for coffee shops. There is one on the motorway. You are telling me a big lie. Yeah, there's one Starbucks drive-thrus, but certainly not for coffee shops. There is one on the motorway. You are telling me a big lie. Yeah, there's one Starbucks drive-thru on the M3. I don't know, yeah. I don't know. M1, maybe? Yeah, there's a drive-thru, and it feels ever so exotic and American.

Yeah, to get a coffee through a little driving portal. But yeah, I think there's maybe two drive-thrus in the whole of the UK. We like to sit down. We have drive-thru McDonald's. Also, our car's not big and comfortable enough to want to eat in. Yeah, we don't want to drive a smaller house around. That's the difference between

us and the Americans. And then she says, Pierre, I haven't bought tickets for your show yet because I'm not sure where to sit. It would be weird to sit up front, right? I also want a good seat. What do I do? Bye.

V for Virginia. Well, it wouldn't be weird because I presume you don't know what Virginia looks like. No. I mean, I can tell now she has hair. Or she did before the hawk took it. Well, now you'll recognize her as the gal with a patch of hair missing. Covered in hawk damage. Feathers.

Hawk damage. Thanks for the email, Virginia. Thank you for the email. Sit wherever you like, really. You say you want a good seat, but it's not like... There aren't visual effects. No.

So probably just in the middle of the room is best. So you're close enough to see facial expression and that's about it, really. It's stand-up, so it's not like CGI is happening. No. And you're a pretty big guy. You're stand-up, so it's not like CGI is happening. No. And you're a pretty big guy. You're visible from a distance. I got a big face.

Mm-hmm. I got a big face. Oh, you got a big face. Oh, yeah. That was very good. Thank you for your email. Thanks for doing it. I don't know if I've ordered something and someone's been revolted.

Really? I'm not sure. I think I've ordered something and people I am with have made a face. Like what? Like if you're with someone who's very sort of sensitive about, I don't know, food orders or climate change or something. And you say, I'd like a coal-powered steak from space or whatever. My favorite meal, my favorite food. Then they're like, oh, you know.

Whatever, have I ever ordered something and the actual person selling it... I get a bit sick of the skepticism with which people treat me when I order a black coffee. Really? Do they not see you as like a real coffee fan? A real coffee fan. I'm probably not, to be honest. I'm a bit of a coffee cretin.

But an Americano is a black coffee. Yes. So every time. But like because not enough people know that. See, if the logical fallacy police could also do this. Not enough people know that a black coffee, an Americano, is inherently a black coffee. Like you don't say a black Americano the same way you don't say a four-sided square. It has to have four sides or it's not a square.

So you go, I'd like an Americano, please. With milk. No. No. But I feel sympathy for the barista because the only reason they're asking me that is because of how many fucking stupid customers there are who go, I'd like an Americano, please.

And they go, okay. And they go, can I have some milk? Don't fucking order that. I'm that guy every time. Your influence on the world is a baleful sin. That's what I would say. Well, what has it cost you? A second of saying no.

Well, then why do words mean anything? Why don't I just go up and go, I have a chair, please. Come on. I wish that there was a logical fallacy policeman here now, actually. That was reductio ad absurdum. Exactly. But nevertheless, the point does stand. We just go, like, why don't we just have words where, like,

words have to retain some kind of meaning beyond just what people reckon they mean. But when you say Americano and someone presumes that it could have milk in it, the word Americano is still maintaining the vast majority of its meaning because it is still a coffee with water. Now we're getting into majority of meanings.

We're dividing up meanings now. Well... I guess so. I mean... I'm just saying pick your battles. I'm just saying pick your battles. That's like saying, look, that's like saying, look,

the whole pizza didn't have poo on it. The majority of the meaning of the word pizza was preserved. Before I put a little bit of poo. You add absurduming again. A poo on the crust The majority of the meaning of the word pizza was preserved before I put a little bit of poo. You add absurd-im-ing again. A poo on the crust. You're an absurdist. You're a classic absurdist.

This is absurd. Wouldn't that be amazing to stand up during an absurdist play and go, this is absurd. And then sitting back down. And then starting to clap.

This is absurd bravo more more the latest comedy hour from funny man Jim Bobbins. Have you ever noticed that I'm dumb? Circles are squares! And then he turned around to me and said that's not my bicycle that's your wife why is everyone drinking lattes it's like why don't you just pour milk in your mouth and eat the beans. So I was in this Uber, right? And he turns around to me and says, this isn't an Uber. I'm kidnapping you. You're the victim of an abduction. I'm going to hold you hostage and I'm going to demand your family pay me $500,000 for your release." And I'm like, you're getting one star.

This autumn, the comedy sensation that is taking over the planet like a plague. Quite literally, people are getting sick when they watch this special. People are vomiting in front of their screens. But watch it. It's funny. And then my girlfriend goes, you know, could you not? And I'm like, yeah, alright, fair enough.

I put you through a lot, actually. Good job, Jim. Jim Bulbins. The man of the hour Coming On your face Oh Jim

And then we just get a message from From C. Lawson Hello C. Lawson Hi PNP Postage and Packaging Could you please do more skits with the man who was stuck in Ikea That had me in stitches Lawson. Hello, C. Lawson. Hi, PNP. Postage and Packaging. Mm-hmm. Could you please do more skits with the man who was stuck in Ikea that had me in stitches?

It's not a man, though. It's Marjorie. Marjorie. Marjorie is nominally an old lady, but she's bigger than gender, really. Yeah, she sort of transcends gender. Marjorie is as old as the universe, really. She's always been with us, and she can't die. She lives in many different dimensions at once. She was here before we were born

and she'll be here after we die. Yeah. Alpha and Omega and Marjorie. She's just energy that changes forms. Yeah. She's a sentient gas for most of the day. Oh, man. My hangover yesterday was so bad.

There's definitely some sentient gas going on. You were creating life. Definitely. Not happy lives, but life. Your hangover was the same reason for my hangover, which is that you had a lovely dinner party. Lovely dinner party. Because we're at that age now.

Yeah, I just love drinking wine with friends in a sort of bacchanalian situation. Fans of the, oh God, Off Menu. Off Menu podcast. We'll know that you are a wine boy. Wine boy. I mean, right now I feel like I never want to drink wine ever again, but I'll be fine in a couple of days.

Was it that bad? Yeah, it just made me very sad to hang over yesterday. Really? Yeah. And I vomited in the toilet. No! I did! No!

And then I forgot. What? Wait, when did you vomit in the toilet? After you all went home. Really? I went to bed. I went to bed and I went, oh, God. And you know when you're drunken, but you suddenly, you feel so sick,

you suddenly become very competent at getting to the toilet in time? Yes, yeah. Your fun drunken haze just goes. Yeah. And you're like a Robo man. Yeah. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Pull!

Pull! But then I got back to bed. And did it look like murder vomit because it was all red from wine? Well, this is the bad thing. Me and my sister, we paid to have a cleaner come every two weeks. And that was the morning. Cleaning morning. And so I woke up sort of in the days vaguely knowing that the cleaner was in.

And I thought, oh, no, did I vomit on the toilet? No, that was a dream. Oh, no. You thought you had a vomit dream. And I woke up after the cleaner left. Oh no. And I just woke up to the text from my sister, who is a lawyer, and has to get up at normal human times. And the text said,

what on earth is all over the toilet? Oh no! Yeah? And I said, oh no, I'm vomiting, I'm so sorry. And then I went, oh, the poor cleaner. And then she said, yeah, she didn't seem fazed by it at all. So I guess she's seen a lot of...

Well, she's probably used to like... She's an Eastern European lady who has seen, I guess, worse messes. She probably looks forward to your flat after you know an oligarch's bath full of dead hookers or whatever she has to like

sweep up because if you're a cleaner in London I assume you have to deal with like Patrick Bateman as a client like horrific

god knows yeah but what did you mean all over the toilet were you inaccurate oh this I can never remember in my memory I was like a sniper

and I got it all, like, into the bowl. Like, into the water, and then with the right pressure that it went on itself over the U-bend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you burped, and the burp smelt like air freshener. It was all great.

But I guess it wasn't the case. There's a certain category of dream which you have to always check was a dream. And I'd say in that category is vomiting dream, wee and poo dream. You can't wake up and be like, did I wee all over the place slash on myself? No, it was a dream. You'd have to go, no, no, no. That's a mundane enough risky, you know, type of dream.

Yeah. That's worth checking. Whereas if you go, did I breed with a unicorn? No, you could go back to bed. That's fine. And you wake up and there's a unicorn in the bed next to you. It's pregnant. Morning. I did. Why didn't the cleaner clean you up?

Sweep the unicorn out of my bed. Oh man, Vom shame is serious shame. Yeah, I had quite a shame day yesterday, really. My hangover was bad, but I sort of woke up, and I was like, my brain, work not now. And then I was like that for about two or three hours. Yeah, I couldn't hold sentences.

There was a sudden spike in nausea for 60 seconds. I sat up, and I was typing stuff on my laptop, and then suddenly it just went, oh! And the needle went into the red. I went, I feel so nauseous. And then as I was thinking that, it just went back down.

I feel so nauseous, I'm going to be, oh, I'm fine. I don't even mean the vomit. I just mean like the abstract feeling kind of like when you're car sick and the nausea is almost inside your head. It's not even in your stomach.

You just go like, like your fingertips go cold. Yeah, you know, and you go, my blood is cold. I missed a freeze. But I'm feeling all right today, I think. I'm getting back to normal.

What was your solution to your vague hangover, sadness, energy, low time thing? Tea, wank, shower. That's, those always get me, those will help with a hangover first thing

TWS I guess the order would go a twiz I think it would actually go wank tea shower it would be odd to go through the formal ritual of making a nice cup of tea and then settling in for a Thomas

a Thomas. A Thomas? Thomas the Tank. Oh. Yeah. Is that... I'm pretty sure. Real... I don't know.

It makes me laugh to refer to it as a Thomas though. It is nice. Okay. So a W to it. W to it. A wats. But before the dinner party

I'd actually gone to a wine fair in town. This is how much of a wine boy you are. With friend and fellow comedian Ian Smith, who also likes wine. Really? And he likes natural wine, and this was a natural wine fair that I was invited to.

Now, please define natural wine. Natural wine is wine where they don't use preservatives and sulfites, which is kind of dumb, really, because even the Romans had added preservatives to their wines. It's kind of dumb, really. Yeah. Because even the Romans had added preservatives to their wines. Yeah, I mean, they salted things. Kind of the point.

Yeah. But the natural wine movement is sort of like, it's just about the fruit, man. Right. But it means a lot of them taste like burps. A lot of them taste like eggs and farts. But there are a couple of nice ones. Ian and I were... Thinking bum ones. Ian and I were...

Thinking bum wine. Ian and I were kind of out of place. We like wine, but we don't really know it. And there were people going around with notepads, writing down numbers. Sort of drunk hippies. Well, no, they're like wine industry people. So it was fair sort of for importers and restauranters, for people to... And then me and Ian just rocked up like a couple of dumb assholes.

Okay. Going, ooh, is this one white? And trying it. And some people were more polite than others. Some could not give a shit. Yeah. There was one guy at the end who was just on his own with a couple of bottles of cognac. Yeah.

And we came up and said, can we try some? And he poured us a bit of cognac. And so he said, and he was like, do you have a lot of cognac? And I said, no, I'm trying to get into it. And he said, are you in the wine industry? And we just said, we have a podcast. He said, what? That's your full-time job?

And I said, no, we're comedians. And he went, you're comedians. And he was like sipping his cognac. I've never seen a man so angry to discover two people are comedians. Oh my God. Because he thought you were the king of wine. And at one point,

we were trying some wines from Oregon, and the lady said, so where are you guys from? As in, I think in reference to where in the industry are you from? Yeah, we're from the bourbon egg wine industry. And Ian just said, oh, yeah, we're from England. Yeah, we were kind of out of place. That's very funny. That's like a sort of a pretentious version of a sort of scene from Dumb and Dumber.

You're wondering, I'm going, can we try? Oh, my God. But you should have made a note of all the ones that taste like farts. All the fart wine. Fart wine sounds like a German type of wine. Fartwein. Farten of wine. Fartwein. Fartenwein. Fartenweiner.

Well, bum wine, I guess, would be Glutwein. Instead of Glühwein. Yeah. Glutwein. That's nice. Thank you. That's nice. Thank you.

Arschen trinken. When we started off, I was making some notes. I took a photo of a label that was particularly nice. I was like, yes, I'll follow up on that and check out the shop later if they have bottles. And later you just had a red ring around your mouth. I'm from England. Is this cognac way from England? I'm a clown.

You've given your cognac to a birthday clown. He would have been happier if you'd said, we sell wine to Nazis. Also, the last table we went to was a table they'd squeeze in right at the end. That was sake, Japanese sake. Oh, yeah. Being served by a white guy. And as we've covered. Someone tell Twitter.

No, as we've covered, a white man who's very into Japanese stuff. Oh, yes. He was a bit weird. Oh. He was a bit weird. Did he speak Japanese? I presume he did. I think he was Dutch and was wearing camo.

Danger. Big danger. That's odd. Hey, you guys like sake and not being seen in the woods? I'm the guy for you. It's weirder... Is it weirder if you said to that man have you been to Japan the two weirdest answers he could give

is either no never but I'd love to someday or he'd be like oh many times once a month I go he'd be like why why why are you hiding there once a month ago you'd be like why why are you hiding there why do you need to not be seen in the woods in Japan

drunk yeah that guy's got a plan hasn't it ever occurred to you that a lot of bread costs a lot more than it should? Especially given that it's bread. Well, it's occurred to us. And we're going to do something about it. We don't care how sour your dough is. If it's sour, that means it's old. That means it's rotting.

That means it's bad. That should mean it's cheap. But it's sour, that means it's old. That means it's rotting. That means it's bad. That should mean it's cheap. But it's not. It's the most expensive bread in the shop. But the wonderful white bread that never goes off is cheap as chips. It's cheaper than chips. Why? Find out the truth.

Panorama, Channel 4, the truth behind sourdough. So, Pierre. Yes. What is your latest most uncool cool thing? My most uncool cool thing and my coolest uncool thing? Yeah. Well, I'll tell you. My most uncool cool thing. My most uncool cool thing and my coolest uncool thing. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you. My most uncool cool thing. So the least cool cool

thing I can think of at the moment is jumpers. The least cool cool thing is jumpers. Yeah, because jumpers are cool now. Are they? Yeah, jumpers sort of, put it this way. We are recording this in the heart, in the heart of hipsterdom. Okay. We're near

Old Street. Yes. Which is full of cool cats. Well, this is sort of,sterdom. Okay. We're near Old Street. Yes. Which is full of cool cats. Well, this is sort of, it used to be. It's starting to become like Silicon Roundabout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but, okay, let's say we walk down the road to Hoxton. You could see a chap with a

lustrous beard and an Aaron jumper. And you'd be like, that guy's a graphic designer. He doesn't look like a graphic designer. He looks like he fishes the Hebrides. But it's cool, right? But still at the same time, you're like, that is still like a nano jumper.

Or just a nice little jumper over your little shirt or whatever. You go, oh, that's nice. That looks nice. But also, it's not like amazing. You're not like, whoa! By showing that you don't mind looking dumpy and old-fashioned because you're so cool you actually yeah that's the sign of someone that's obvious yeah exactly looking uncool yeah like i'm so cool that i can dress like a very reasonable accountant who's having a relaxed Saturday lunch.

And people are like, wow, that guy's so cool. So it can be cool, but it's still, like, pretty close to being uncool, jumpers. It's a very fine line. Yeah, well, you can't take the cold. Yeah, well, you've got to put a little layer on. You've got to be warm all the time, have you? Or your skin not enough. Or you're wearing your little shirt and you have a jacket as well.

But no, that's out of number three. And it'd make it from wool. Yeah. Lovely wool. It's a bit lame. Jumpers are... I hated jumpers as a kid. Scratchy?

School jumpers, scratchy, scratchy school jumpers. When I moved to the British Isles from South Africa, I hated having things with long sleeves and I hated wearing things that weren't shorts and stuff. Same.

I hated trousers. I hated trousers so much. Because they're so itchy and hot. My cousin-in-law has lived on the Isle of Man now for a few years. And he wears shorts and sandals every day. On the Isle of Man? And he swims in the sea every day. Really?

Yeah. That's fucking crackers. Dedication. Dedication. I had a pair of shorts as a kid that I loved so much. I wrote a poem about them for school. And like I drew a drawing of these shorts. I think the brand was like, I swear the brand was like Muller.

But they weren't yogurt. They weren't made of yogurt. They were just like. You weren't wearing shorts made of yogurt? No, I wasn't. With your little yogurt pants. Whatever the tabloids are saying here. Don't believe the red tops.

I'm not wearing shorts made of yogurt. Yeah, good luck tweeting about Phil's little yogurt shorts because, you know, we'll see you in court. Okay. Yeah, so I hated wearing long-sleeve things to the point where on the Isle of Man in winter, two degrees before wind chill, and there's a lot of wind,

I'd just be walking around in a T-shirt, blue, insisting I was fine for years. I don't want to code, mum. But as a result, I'm now very insensitive to the cold. Oh, really? I think because of just that childhood.

I was less sensitive to cold than kids who were from there because they never went through this mad obsession with letting the cold at them. I still think of the cold as such a novelty. We both agree as people from hot countries that the cold is better. Oh yeah, easier to get away from. The sun is a demon.

The sun is a horrible hot bastard. When it's really hot in London, I always think of something you said to me, Phil, which is the sun is like when it's as hot in London, I always think of something you said to me, Phil, which is the sun is like a, when it's as hot in London and sweaty and humid as it is where you're from in Malaysia, you were saying that it's like, you feel like a foreigner who's only just escaped a kind of murderous dictator

to find that they are now in your new country as well. And everyone loves them. And everyone thinks they have really good ideas. And you're like, no, don't you see? Don't be fooled. You can't sleep when it's like this. I hate the summer. I really don't want it to come.

But it will. It will. And we will. It's going to get longer and longer and longer. Yeah, and we're going to sweat, man. It's going to be a stinky, sweaty time. Oh, God. Yeah.

What's your least cool, cool thing, then? My least cool, cool thing, my most uncool, cool thing then my least cool cool thing my most uncool cool thing is cars oh because cars I was always growing up as a kid especially as a little boy you think cars are going to be very important in your life people but it's imposed on you

a lot like I remember people always being like oh do you want a toy car you must like cars oh car car car car car and I was like and if you think about it, it's such a lame thing to care about. It's how you go to a place. Yeah, the vehicle that takes you from one commitment to another next.

Look at what I get to my commitments in. This one's lower than yours. It's quite flat and it's got a wing on the back. Look at this shiny shell. To get me to my meeting. That fires me to my, you know, still a job. Mm-hmm. I've got to go to a picnic.

But look at what I go to it in. It is red. Look at what I put my groceries in. Look where my eggs are for a bit before they're in my house, the same as you. I don't understand the kind of people who spend the amount of money on a car that you'd spend on a flat.

Or even the deposit for a flat. That must be some money. You just think, this couldn't be more pointless. Is it safe for me to drive around in a 2001 Volvo that no one likes? Yeah. That's actually one of the safest cars I've ever made. Okay. I'll just drive in that then. I know someone who

is a financial advisor and he used to work with a lot of footballers. Oh yeah. And he said, I think it was something mad like 50% of, I think professional footballers or Premier League footballers become bankrupt three years after they retire. Yeah, I can imagine that. Because a lot of the time they make all this money and they don't really know how to hold on to it. And they buy things like new cars. Because they're like 19. Yeah.

And they're earning, what, £100,000 a week or something. You know, insane. Like, if you earn that a year, you're a pretty good lawyer. Yeah. Come on now. Yeah. But you spend it on a new card. Fucking hell.

Yeah, so that's my most uncool... That's a good... Because there are... But it is uncool as well because... It's uncool to care about it. It's very childish. I don't know if that's unique to our generation.

I think it is. Well, we're more like our grandparents' generation now. Because the baby boomers between us and our grandparents are the ones who benefited from all the greatest increases in prosperity in world history. And that's why they have no qualms about pollution and recycling and things like cars. Because they're like, hey, why not have a second house? Yeah.

You know? Whereas our grandparents are more like, well, you know, you buy it in bulk. And our generation is more like that now because of everything being bad and awful. And on fire. We don't really define our identities with our possessions anymore. We define ourselves with our beliefs. Beliefs and experiences. Yes, experiences.

With the experience generation. I've been on a waterfall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's more impressive to spend the amount of money you'd spend on a car living in a monastery for a bit. Yeah. Because then you can wang on about that for the rest of your life. Pardon the pun. Which wasn't really a pun.

Yeah, exactly. And it's a bit Clarkson, isn't it? Yeah, I think Clarkson did a lot for making cars uncool for our generation. Yeah, because it's very daddy. Yeah, and he's not very woke. It's to do with, we associate it with the rural right wing.

Yes, that's it. Yeah. Yeah. Belly over belt. Yeah. I think our generation would respect a classic car from like the 50s and 60s. But then that almost becomes more about fashion and style

than the vehicle itself. Because I would love a classic car from the 50s or 60s, but just because of how it looks, I couldn't tell you if its engine is full of mice, I have no fucking idea. And I don't care. I'm Adam Curtis. Hasn't it ever occurred to you that bread costs a lot more than it should?

It's made of bits of grass. The truth is, it's not actually about bread. It's about money, and it's about power. Join me on Panorama on Channel 4 when I use archive footage of Brad going in and out of lots of machines while I narrate over it to convince you that Brad could be the end of the world. So what's your coolest uncool thing? My coolest uncool thing? The very coolest of the uncool things.

I'm going to say sort of studs, like metal studs or spikes on clothing. Okay. So I'm wearing like a leather jacket right yeah i mean i'm not but imagine use your imagination and on my shoulder pads the shoulder area it's all like spikes yeah that's uncool yeah but it's pretty cool is it cool now no it's in the uncool category i'm saying it's the coolest uncool thing. Okay. Because you're still like, oh, yeah. And that's lame. It's going, oh, yeah, is lame?

No. Like your reaction to the studs, man. Okay. So if you see someone walking around with a jacket with all leather studs on or whatever, you're like, oh, yeah, because your brain's going, my instinct when I see someone wearing one of those jackets is to go, oh yeah, Ninja Turtles, bikers,

metal concerts, cool rock and roll, 1980s glam. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Ugh. That's pretty lame. But then doesn't it make it an uncool, cool thing?

No, because I think it's just below the Louis line. The Louis line? Oh yeah. How dare you? No, it's because... Forget the Louis line. Well think it's just below the Louis line. The Louis line? Oh, yeah. How dare you? No, it's because... Forget the Louis line. Well, it's because the Louis scale and the Louis line...

They're two different things. ...are two different things. So I get confused. If there are any new listeners, the Louis scale is a scale of effort or stress, zero to ten Louis, based on the effort of making your cheeks big round circles when you blow in a trumpet. However, the Louis line is the line on the cool to uncool scale, which represents the perfect equilibrium of cool and uncool at the same time.

Yeah. So it's something that is exactly as cool as it is uncool. It's the halfway mark. Lies on the Louis line. And the only person who's ever hit the Louis line, which for whom it is named, is Louis Armstrong. Yeah. When he was on Desert Island Discs and picked only his own

songs. Yeah. Which is an absolutely baller thing to do and incredibly lame. Yeah. At the same time. So it's I think it's just kissing the Louis line because you go like, oh, that's I associate spiky jackets and like studs

with lots of cool stuff. But then it's like the cool stuff I associate it with is out of date and often it's in like kids cartoons and things and it's a bit like try hard. Yeah, because I think

even if I saw it on a Hell's Angel I'd be like, wow, you're the most glam Hell's Angel because it's quite rare to see. For me it's cool and uncool because leather jackets

are cool and studs are uncool. Ah, so in its sort of concerto. Yeah. Together, it makes this little soup. I can't remember the last time I saw anyone under the age of 50 wear one, though. A studded jacket? Yeah.

Yes, I've seen it being worn in a kind of, hey, you know, I'm really skinny and I have lots of necklaces on and I'm hanging out outside a Soho bar. Yeah. You sort of go, all right. But when you're skinny, you can wear whatever you like. When you're skinny, if you're a skinny dude, if you're a skinny, okay, if you're a dude, you're skinny and you're above, what, 5'10", 6'0"?

That's the ideal. You can do anything and people will be like, well, I didn't know that was cool. But it must be because you're doing it. God. Thin privilege. That's that thin privilege I've been reading about. They're very

privileged to be thin. And we're going to compensate for it by, I don't know, making them wear foam. I don't know what the solution is to that, apparently. Everyone has to wear a kind of Eddie Murphy style fat suit. So we're all the same. So that's my least

that's my most cool uncool thing is like metal studs on clothing. What's yours buddy boy? My coolest uncool thing is books. Because books. No. Because books are lame.

Whoa. But they're also cool now. Yeah. And everyone's like, everyone's writing books now. Everyone's writing. We know people who have been writing books. Yeah. People who have no right to be writing books whatsoever.

People I didn't even know could read are now writing books. People you'd be surprised to know had read a book. Yeah. Have read a book. Yeah. Have written a book. But I really hate this because I started a few years ago this sort of overly earnest glorification of reading. Oh, okay. Let me pitch something at you.

Let me see if I have this right. Yeah. You're on Instagram. Yeah. You're looking for fun memes or whatever it is that actually makes it worth looking at. Suddenly,

someone you know has posted a photograph of the front cover of a book. Yeah. Next to it is a coffee cup. Oh, no!

I knew it was coming. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And the remnants of a particular niche food on a plate. And the caption is all about how the book made them cry. And it's not just that. This book made me cry. You should read it. It's 10 paragraphs long, isn't it?

And it's a big, it's got spoilers in. They haven't thought about that. And it's a wall. it's got spoilers in. They haven't thought about that. And it's a wall. The book is like the cover. It's a paperback, but it's sort of white or off-white base color. And on top of that, the title's in black. Big black title. And the artwork is sort of bold colors and just shapes like petals falling off a flower or like a lighthouse.

colors and like just shapes like petals falling off a flower or like a lighthouse and they go my god the bit at the end where someone inevitably dies or blah blah blah blah blah made me cry so much but that spun out to 10 paragraphs am i right yeah all because all they want to say is i read a book i read a book everybody look i read a book i read a book and not only that i read a really good book that is a full of emotions and it made me full of emotions because I'm really like oh I'm so sensitive to the world around me. But I'm so sure that I'm the only person in the world who reads. I might as well tell you how it ends because you're not going to read it. I might as well put loads of

details in it that you don't that might put you off reading it or whatever. The post is much more about my experience of the book and how much I understood it than it is about me trying to make you read it i'm not actually advertising the book i'm advertising my own brain and its ability to relate to things i remember once ricky gervais said on uh and then like a little thing

trying to make kids read more oh god he said flanimals he said the more the more books you read the smarter you get. And I just remember the scene then going, well, no, Ricky, it depends what you read. There are some books out there that will make you stupider. Should have tweeted him a picture of the Bible. Oh, shit, yeah. That's exactly right. Just be like, well.

Well, someone's changed their tune. Or just the entire, like, the library at the Vatican. That sure is true, Ricky. You're going to hell. God, if Ricky Gervais' enormous statements on things were a power source, global warming would be over. Climate change, rather. Yeah. I mean, he's just...

I've heard he's a nice guy. Right. In person. Sure. Well, who isn't? Just be aware of his. No, he hisses like a cat and he spits in your eye. But yeah, I just...

The more books you read, the smarter you get. I wish that was true because then if someone is a total fucking idiot, you just force feed them books and they'll be cured. Yeah. And that's not really how it works. And I've met plenty of people, especially at school,

who would go on about reading and just loving having a book open or just leave me with a book and I'm happy. And they were fucking idiots. Yeah. They didn't know how to speak to people or how to navigate this world. Absolute morons. And they put me off reading. I was like, well, it's hard work and obviously turns you into a dunce.

I didn't really read until I was 22. I did not enjoy reading books until my early 20s. The crucial element here that people may not know is that you did a hard science degree. Yeah. So you were not about reading books of any kind. You were about equations. You're an equation man. We didn't really need any books. You were about equations. You're an equation man. We didn't really need any books.

You're a history autodidact. Oh yeah, I suppose so. Because I was very impressed with whenever it was years ago where you decided I'm going to know about history and why things are the way they are now. And you went on a sort of reading quest. Which is very impressive

because loads of people know that they're ignorant of stuff and they just go, well, anyway, la la la la la, I'm going to keep voting. And you go, oh, come on, man. I think my quest for knowledge is more born of arrogance than like some inherent value

for... Well, like, I should know about this. Yeah, I should be smarter than everyone. But that's my entire schooling career, my should know about this. Yeah. I should be smarter than everyone. Yeah. But that's my entire schooling career, my entire academic career was. Comedy was also based on proving I was smarter than everyone.

And it's formed now into something more meaningful, I hope. But most of my life has been fueled by a desire to be smarter than other people. I don't know. What I don't understand

is in London sometimes you can just see some books on a wall. On a wall, like outside? Outside someone's house. I've seen that loads. Well, out in the open? Yeah.

Just rotting? Yeah. I think it's when people are like, I'm done with these. I'll leave them for the street folk. Feral librarians. These scurry. There's spectacles hanging from the necks. That's their mating call.

The librarians on the roof. Oh, fuck it. Call the exterminator. Aren't they very quiet? Yeah, but they're shushing. They're shushing me. In my own home. Why do you wear such a very long tie? It's to draw your eye to my own home.

Why do you wear such a very long tie? It's to draw your eye to my upper thigh. So, Pierre, you and I are doing the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year. You bet. Your sweet body. Well, so, for those who don't know, the Edinburgh Fringe is this annual arts festival in Edinburgh, Scotland.

And we horrible clowns have to go up and do an hour show to remind everyone that we're still alive. Yep. And that we want them to buy our tickets. And there's a new thing. Have you seen this? In registering your show,

you now have to choose a theme. I saw this. Yeah, you have to pick In registering your show, you now have to choose a theme. I saw this. Yeah, you have to pick little theme-y themes. You have to pick a theme. And so on the website, on the Edinburgh Fringe website. My theme this year is funny. Well, that's the thing. They give you a drop-down list of actually very few themes.

Yeah. And you have to pick one. You have to choose one. Otherwise, you don't get to put up a show. I picked a couple. Oh, can you choose more than one? On Eventotron. So there's some strange ones here.

Themes you can pick. Yeah, yeah. Weather and climate. What? One of the themes is weather and climate. Optimism. Just general optimism. I guess all comedian shows are themed around optimism that they're not going to suck

justice I almost took justice that one was pretty cool justice Batman the musical justice weather and climate the rain show doesn't it rain a lot

that's very odd I think I picked satire and entertainment Weather and climate. The rain show. Doesn't it rain a lot? That's very odd. I think I picked satire and entertainment. Really? I don't see that. I don't see that. That would make sense, but I don't see it here. Maybe I didn't pick any.

I'm sure I picked something like that. Masculinity? I mean, all of our, either both of us are inherently about masculinity. Yeah, it kind of has to be, doesn't it? Yeah, such big, such... Arts and culture, I guess, would apply to all of us. That's an odd thing to pick for a theme for an arts festival. Yeah, as you can opt out of being... As if you're saying, like, no, no, no, I'm at the arts festival

and I'm doing an artistically made show, but it's not about that. It's somehow science. Somehow it's now economics. This is just school. Yeah. Power and corruption is one of the themes. Saucy. What if you had power and corruption and justice?

A show full of conflict. You're just some sort of third world dictator who's decided to do a show. Or power and corruptionruption and Justice. It's a stand-up show about my time as a corrupt private investigator or something. On the Chicago PD. Very odd.

Supernatural. So if you're a ghost, you have to pick Supernatural. Finally, we can find all the ghost shows. There's also religion. So if you're a ghost hunter, like a Van Helsing, I guess, you'd pick... What would it be? Religion and Justice. Religion a ghost hunter, like a Van Helsing, I guess, you'd pick.

What would it be? Religion and justice. Religion and justice. If you were Van Helsing, that's the themes you'd pick. Religion and justice. I think optimism is the funniest theme. Optimism. But also, presumably these themes are added as a concept for the purposes of helping the audience. It's for the consumer.

Right, yeah. It's not for us. It's for the consumer. It's not for us. It's for the consumer. So what kind of soggy little bread slice goes to the fridge and goes, optimism. I'm not optimistic enough. The world

around me is so mean. I'm such a pessimist, but I'm somehow also open-minded enough about it that I will seek out specifically optimistic shows. God, I hope that there's some shows at the Fringe this year with needlessly uplifting endings. Are there any?

I hope so. I wonder if there are any. Oh, there probably aren't. I'll just stay home. The one thing shows that the Fringe never have is an ending where it's like, and I think that's why I was the Batman all along. And we were all Batman. And we could all have it inside us.

Fuck off. That is everywhere. That's like saying, God, I hope there's a point in this musical where someone sings a sad song on their own in a blue spotlight. Yeah. There will be. Is there anything more pathetic than optimism? What an embarrassing thing to be optimistic.

I talk about this with my flatmate a lot. Because everyone accuses him of being a cynic. He says you're a cynic. You're quite cynical. That's a cynical household. It's a cynical house. But as we always say, we're not cynics. We are the true optimists.

Right. Because you expect true optimists. Right. Because if you're cynical about it, yeah, and we think it could be better. Whereas those people who go, ha, ha, ha, I'm optimistic and pleasant, ha, ha, ha. You go, you know that the fucking bin man only comes once a year. The road is disgusting. And they go, I think it'll be fine that the bin man comes once a year. And you go, no, you're the pessimist. Right, right.

You're saying there is no way in hell that we could have a better situation than this. The reason I'm angry and cynical is because I know we're being fucked over by this once a year bin man collection. That's why I'm angry. By bin center? By bin center. Trash center. Trash center or father rubbish. In England they call him father rubbish.

And in the Netherlands he's called... Binter Klaus. He's called... Oh, it's a bilingual pun. My word. Binter Klaus. Binter Klaus. And of course, his racist servant in the Netherlands. Controversially. Trashy Timially Trashy Tim Trashy Tim Trashy Tim who of course is is a black bin bag

he's a that's what they say now yeah people say now but no he sure went his face is black because he's supposed to be a bin bag

that has come to life yeah but in the past he was a Trashy Tim was a slave to Binterclass that he bought from Africa right and you go yes

but hey you know we changed it now so it's different it's fine Binterclass oh god that was episode 6 the 6th episode of

Bud Pod the devil's episode and you've listened to it. You've finished it. You shall be visited by a demon tonight. He will teach you. He will teach you the best things and worst things about podcasts. And also he will tell you his most authoritarian thought.

I can never get that word right. And most libertarian. The devil's definitely libertarian. Or is he? Oh, he's both. Yeah, because he's his own despot. He's a libertarian in the sense that he wants everyone to do loads of sinning. And then once you sin enough to get to him, he's an authoritarian.

Yeah. Interesting. Sneaky old the devil. He'd be a good podcast guest. And we're joined here by the devil. Hello. Thank you for having me. Awesome man.

That'd be an awesome guest. We're trying to get the devil. We could finally you for having me. Awesome man. That'll be an awesome guest. We're trying to get the devil. We could finally ask the devil, do you want us to sin or not? Yeah. Because you're supposed to be punishing us, so it's bad. But we're on your team. Yeah. Satanists who go to hell must be a bit like, come on, dude.

We did this for you. Yeah. Why are you poking us in the butt? Also, what level of sin is there where they go like oh no you sinned just enough that he's gonna punish you whereas you've sinned

so much that he's kind of impressed and now you're in charge of a bit of hell you know or is it both like well no

you have to be on fire but I like your style I think you've gotta commit you've either gotta be so good you go to heaven or so evil you rule over hell because if he's punishing

sinners then he's like God's mate. He's helping out the whole thing. That's like saying the police are the, you know, punishing criminals is like a... Well, it's a good cop,

bad cop. It's classically a good cop, bad cop. That's exactly what it is. God's like, hey, I don't want my partner here. It's a bit crazy. God is saying like, hey, we don't even get on. Yeah. We had a big falling out, actually. I'm trying to help you here. Just do what I tell you on.

He's crazy. He burns people. He's got two horns sticking out of his head. He's crackers, mate. He's got horns. I didn't give him horns. I don't know where he got those. One day he comes in, horn. Everyone's too afraid to ask him horns. I don't know where he got those. One day he comes in, horn.

Everyone's too afraid to ask him why. So just tell me, did you covet your neighbour's ass? Did you covet it? Huh? Huh? You got covet juice all over your goddamn hands? Huh?

Yeah. No wonder it works so well. Well, we've got to let you go now. Yeah, please leave so we can continue this debate. But rate us please on all your, whatever podcast platform you use, and give us the maximum rating. Or just write the BudPod five stars on your nearest wall. Yeah, that

helps. That will literally help. I'll get the word out. And get in touch with your coolest, uncool, most authoritarian, least authoritarian, most libertarian, all their features. All the things that I can't pronounce. Just all the things Phil struggles with. Get in touch. And just general, just email him

just to tell us how you are. Have a good week and don't sin too much. And get in touch at thebudpod on Twitter or thebudpod at gmail.com. Bye. Bye-bye.