BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 60 - DreamPod!

Episode Date: April 29, 2020

Fear the venom snake, pints of t-shirts and dream jokes, off brand murals and Uncanny Goofy, George W Bush re-assessed, Kim Jong Un's diet. Marjorie is stuck in Buckingham Palace. Correspondence: oven-ready poos, astrology meetings, using action hero catchphrases in the loo. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's budpod 60 60 who'd have thought nice round 60 uh yeah well it used to be retirement age before people got really good at being old yeah yeah i mean if anything we've become too good at being old yes i suppose we have i guess i guess if you retired at 60 you at 60, it does feel a bit mad to think of being retired for 20 years, possibly. Yeah, that's another adulthood, essentially. That's another life into adulthood. Yeah, another whole 20-year gap. And also, being in quarantine and in isolation and whatever, like we all are here in London Is it kind of like a taste of being retired? Where you sort of pootle around

And try and find hobbies and things to do And doing this for 20 years This current situation is a taste of Being retired Because the outside Turned into acid Being retired on a space station Yeah retired because the outside turned into acid. Being retired on a space station.

Yeah. My mum and dad don't live in the UK anymore. They retired to space. They say it's good for their joints, you know. The weather in space. It would be. It'd take a lot of weight off, wouldn't it? Of course, yeah. It would be. It'd take a lot of weight off, wouldn't it? Of course, yeah.

Probably be great. Maybe that would be like the first moon colony would just be arthritic people. That would be like the Victorian thing where they would say, you have to go to the seaside for your health. We're sending you to space for your health. To take in the air.

To really take in the vacuums The theory is that they vacuum All the diseases out of you And everything else I had a horrible dream last night This is boring Oh did you? I was going to talk about my dream as well Dreaming boys

My dreams have been fucking apeshit Since lockdown My brain has nothing else to do And this is what podcasts have descended to now In lieu of anything real to do We just have to Recount the made up fables That we embarked on in the night

Brain poos to each other My My Horrible dream we embarked on in the night. Brain poos to each other. My horrible dream was about a snake called the Venom Snake. Okay, I like the branding. It apparently had, I want to look it up now, see if there's such a thing as a Venom Snake. I'm going to bet you a lot of money there isn't. But, I mean, I'm just going to get the results for Snake, aren't I?

Venom Snake. I think so. It's a bit like Googling Leg Spider. Well, it turns out Venom Snake is a character in Metal Gear Solid, which makes sense. Right, that's where that's from. Hideo Kojima is trolling me in my sleep. The Venom Snake is a horrible black snake

that wriggles really fast and has the highest venom count of any animal in the animal kingdom. It's pitch black. It's so black you can't make up the scale, so it looks like just a long... Like Vantablack. Yes, like that science black. And its face, the front part of its...

The top half of its face, it's got a cleft palate, so each fang is on a separate sort of cantilever of mouth, if you will. Oh, right. Oh, wow. So it's got like two top lips. Yeah, exactly. And each one has a big fang under it. And it hisses really horribly and it's got these big dilated pupils

like it's on ecstasy. And it wriggles really harshly and all it wants to do is bite people. That's all it wants to do is inject people with venom. And it was terrifying. I can't remember where I was.

I was in a barn or something with some people I know. We were all just like, be careful of the venom. It's almost like it's rabid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like rabid and just frothing and mad and it's just wriggling about. And you don't know where it is.

Horrible. It's really horrible. It's one of those nightmares that you have... I don't know where it is. Oh, it was horrible. It was really horrible. And it was one of those nightmares that you have... I don't know if it's the truth that all dreams happen at the end of your sleep, because you always feel like you're waking up just as the dream finishes. But this was one of those horrible nightmares that would wake me up in the morning. Yeah. Wake me up, but I was still so sleepy that we could then go back to sleep and just and continue the nightmare yeah the least fair waking up it was horrible so i i walked up i had yeah i woke up really badly this morning and then i don't know what that's gonna do to

the rest of the day but the fucking venom snake man and i i was so convinced that it was a real snake that i kept waking up going i've got got to search, I've got to Google the venom snake, and then I'd go back to sleep. It was horrible. So you were like waking up in that way where you go like, well, I mean, obviously that was a dream, but I should still keep an eye out for this guy. For this venom snake, yeah.

Almost like thinking, how foolish of me to have forgotten about the venom snake. Thank you, dream, for reminding me to keep my eye out for this for this horrible killer like like you'd had a dream about um missing a credit card repayment or something yeah yeah and so and so in the dream you're in a bar and it was like oh it could just be barn a barn sorry. Oh, it could just be... Barn. Oh, barn, sorry. So it was just like, oh, it could be wriggling in the corners. It could be anywhere, this thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was horrible. But then everyone was trying to continue their life as normal.

Maybe it was an analogy for the coronavirus. Everyone was trying to live their life as normal, just keeping an eye on where this venom snake might be. Because it could be anywhere. Yes, this wriggly monster. I've just Joseph in the Technicolor Dreamcoat did my own dream. Or you're just having a dream

about what it's like to be Australian. That's true. That is true. I didn't have a nightmare, but I have dreams that are sort of confusing enough that I have the same morning confusion without necessarily the fear. So like waking up and going,

oh, I was supposed to write that song in French or something. Just like things to do or like weird tasks. Sorry, I often have dreams where I have done something horrible in the past and I just have to live with it like i've killed someone like i just have dreams where i like remember you killed your cousin and it's like oh my god i killed my cousin and then like and then i'll wake up going another day in this in the life of a killer and then and then it takes me genuinely like a minute for my brain to rev up to living speed

and i go wait no i haven't killed anyone i love that uh you have the yeah the dreams of like a sort of a very uh um almost anti-hero but not quite film noir detective yeah a real tortured soul and it's also a very funny yeah and it's a very funny transformation to wake up as Sam Spade for like a minute and then to just become no I'm just a you know I'm a guy

which one's Sam Spade Sam Spade is the famous film noir guy, right? Is he Maltese Falcon, Sam Spade? Oh, okay. I don't know. Anyway, that's very funny. I had a joke in my dream last night. Wow, that's pretty good. Did it make sense in the

living world? Because often they make no sense at all. Well, I wanted to get your opinion on that because it's so close to making sense I think but amusingly in the dream someone else in the dream said it so I don't feel like I said it even though they were in my brain

right so you feel a bit like you're stealing the joke yeah because a person in the dream who doesn't exist said it even though it's my dream so I didn't say it in the dream yeah doesn't exist said it, even though it's my dream. So I didn't say it in the dream. Yeah, yeah. Like I'm taking Dream Guy's joke, his great stuff, you know.

You're a dream plagiarist. I'm a dream plagiarist. Who's your dream plagiarist? You're like an Inception plagiarist. You're basically, yeah, you're Leonardo DiCaprio-ing yourself, jumping into your own dream to steal the jokes of others. Going through all the effort of Inception not to make money, but just to steal bad one-liners.

Yeah. If only there was an easier way. In like a fort on a snow mountain. There's a joke in here. Tell me the joke. No. Yes. So basically in the dream,

the dream was set. I think this is another, like you can see the influence of the current situation in this dream. It was just like everyone, it was like a big party at like a kind of quite a hipster warehouse venue thing. Okay.

Like it was one of those it was one of those buildings that definitely used to be like a school or a or a factory or whatever and then they've been turned into some kind of venue and it's all covered with like you know you know you there's that special kind of high quality graffiti where you're like you're paid to have this graffiti oh yeah like it's a beautiful portrait of a native american woman or something yeah or like the letters and the names are all too shiny and juicy okay yeah they look too shiny and juicy and you go no one scribbled a big cock over this this isn't real um so it's all a bit like that and a bit sort of edgy in the way that is not edgy at all and um it was some sort of big that and a bit sort of edgy in the way that it's not edgy at all.

And it was some sort of big party and like various comedy people were there. We were all kind of there, our social group. And I was standing outside this venue chatting to someone. And then someone else walked past on their way somewhere else and looked at this venue and said disparagingly to their friend what kind of place it looked like the kind of place that sells pints of t-shirts and that's so close to being quite a good burn what does this place sell? Pints of t-shirts? right, yeah, yeah, yeah

and in the dream I thought, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And in the dream, I thought, oh, he's really got us there. It is. It's almost... Yeah, you're right. It really almost works as a joke. Like, if you said it quickly enough, then in a conversation it would work.

If you go like, what are they selling there? Pints of t-shirts? Hey, do you want a cigarette? Like, if you did that. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. If you quickly covered the fact that it's only 85% makes sense. Yeah.

I think 85% is actually a bit generous. I think it's around the 60% mark for me. I think the 15% it's missing is the most crucial 15%. It feels like something you could say about a really indie music venue. They sell pints of t-shirts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. It sounds like an indie rock band's tour merch table. Yeah, oh, I'd like a pint of t-shirts, please.

Have you ever thought of a joke in a dream? Yeah, definitely. I've come up with some seemingly at the time incredible ideas, and I wake up and I go, oh, I have to write that down. But every time I have written it down and checked it in the morning, it was like, yeah, similar. Like, don't let purple hit you on the way out. What?

What does that mean? I remember this is, wow, this dates this memory Peacock and Gamble yeah, gosh Peacock and Gamble in one of their shows this must be

for anyone who was born after 1985, Peacock and Gamble was Ed Gamble's first podcast with comedian Ray Peacock. Back when Ed was a big boy, Big Ed. Yeah, Big Ed yeah, Big Ed and they did those Edinburgh shows as well, the live ones and it was in one of the Edinburgh shows where they had a joke about this kind of stuff where

I think it was I think it was Ray said to Ed like, oh you thought of that joke in your dream didn't you? you should try it out now, see if it works, maybe it'll work in real life and Ed was like, oh yeah, yeah, that'd be interesting dream, didn't you? You should try it out now, see if it works. Maybe it'll work in real life. And Ed was like, oh, yeah, yeah, that'd be interesting. And it was just like him screaming, shut up, you big green fox. I was like, oh, yeah, that is the kind of thing.

Do you remember any of them? No, no. No, you don't remember those details. They just don't hang in your mind, really. I remember the one about me having killed my cousin, but I don't remember any details. They just don't hang in your mind, really. I remember the one about me having killed my cousin, but I don't remember any jokes. You only remember grief and terror from your night times. Yeah, pretty much. Same as my living, waking

life. Do you think you're one of those people where it's just like the negative memories are by far the ones that stick with you? Oh, definitely i i remember every humiliation and failure with crystal clarity but my happy moments of my life i have to be reminded of and and i don't like taking photos either so i don't even have those to remind me so i i just don't remember any any of the good things that happened to me any of the fun times um that was the one i reminded you of the the other day when we were in uh cambridge massachusetts uh visiting uh the

harvard lampoon and we were reading their funny magazine that's right oh yes yes before before time this is like eight years ago now very before time eight fucking hell um and uh they had a bit that you were particularly uh oh yeah it's a description of a really cheap horrible theme park yeah like non-name brand theme parks or more specifically it's it's always very funny when it's like a theme park where the mascots are cartoons with no other form of existence than in the theme park yeah they were born then they'll die there they're like david pumpkins yeah yeah it's like it's like david pumpkins where there'd be a theme park where it's like yeah this is like willie warthog and you it's like the theme park is is behaving so confidently that you should know who willie you're like should i recognize this as a kid

like a con artist as a kid you're like well i mean he must have a tv show he's got a theme park willie warthog i'm it's my fault i've missed out on him yeah so this was like yeah a joke advert for a horrible terrible theme park and yeah i just remember laughing at it well i i didn't remember you have to remind me but i i spent like a day just laughing at it crying laughing and i think that's the last time i was happy yeah i think so that's why i brought it up um just to make just to really underline, no one is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone. Oh, hello.

I'm just calling because I'm in lockdown. I'm in quarantine. And I can't leave the house. It wouldn't be responsible of me to leave. But the trouble is that I'm not in my own house. I was on a guided tour of Buckingham Palace and then the news said that you shouldn't leave your house and my house is not anywhere near Buckingham Palace so I stayed very still near some of the paintings and no one noticed because I look a lot like Charles II. I look almost exactly like Charles II,

crossed with Queen Anne with a little bit of George VI. And so no one noticed that I am here. And now I live, well, I sleep. I got a big grandfather clock and I laid it on the floor. And now I sleep in that like a vampire who can tell the time and then I get out and I eat um things that have been left on display because it turns out that even when the queen isn't here they put out a lot of fruit in bowls and things and so I've been eating that and um a lot of the squirrels are made of leather. And if you boil that, then it is sort of like a beef jerky.

Anyway, I'm just calling to say I accidentally ordered my Ocado delivery of 20 kilograms of rice pre-cooked and two eggs to my normal home, which, of course, is very far away. If you could reroute it to Buckingham Palace, and if you could leave it by the gates, if the guards ask you anything, just say it's for the ghost. I think they think I'm a ghost,

because I rattle around. I have a big necklace that sounds like a chain. I think they're scared. They don't move or talk, but I've seen their eyes dart around when i'm clanking and picking up the fruit okay thank you goodbye i always uh i always did enjoy as a kid where you see like uh that that weird feeling you get in your brain as a kid where you're looking at like um and a lot of like three i think three comedians we know have jokes about this, but the art on an ice cream truck or on the wall of a nursery. Yeah.

It's goofy, but they've used the wrong colors for his clothes kind of thing. Yeah. And you stare at it as a kid and you go, that's goofy, but there's something wrong. There's something wrong about him he's got too many fingers or like the colours of his skin's just a bit off and they always look like

they always look like they're painted by people who didn't want to paint them but for some reason had to paint them yeah there's a real stench of obligation around the wall, the mural of Goofy there's a real stench of obligation around the wall. The mural of Goofy. There's a real sense of prison art class about ice cream van decorations, don't you think? It looks like something that was done just to keep them from killing each other for a few minutes.

Or it's like something that was done as a formality to receive some sort of qualification. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Technically, you can't get your... Yeah, or like technically, due to a very old-fashioned law, you actually can't get your van driver's license until you paint a van. So you're just going to have to... Yeah, it doesn't have to be good.

You just have to do it. It's like Duke of Edinburgh bronze. You just have to do it. It's like Duke of Edinburgh bronze. You just do it. Just get it ticked off. Oh, man. And yeah, I remember as a kid, the feeling it would give me is uncanny. It's literally uncanny in the sense of deep familiarity with, obviously, Goofy and his face, but a deep unease about not being able to quite tell why this was a stranger to me. Yeah, it's the

uncanny valley, isn't it? It's like looking at a deep face of Joe Biden. And you go, hmm, this is uneasy for a reason I can't quite put my finger on. Phil, have you been injecting yourself with bleach like the president has told us to? Well, the bleach thing has become a bit of a Mandela effect because he never actually said bleach to be fair to the man he said disinfectant

yes he said he said if there's a way that we could get disinfectant into the lungs or something into the body rambling into the lungs into the body because it because it kills the germs in a minute so maybe we can look into maybe we can look into that maybe we can look into that. Maybe we can look into putting it in the body and maybe through injection. It was quite a thing. It was quite a thing to watch the most powerful man on earth and one of the most powerful men in history display a knowledge of what it means to be ill of, I would say, a four-year-old. Yes, yes. means to be ill of i would say a four-year-old yes yes i mean you grow out of that kind of because there are two incredible assumptions he's made there one that he has

he has solved the coronavirus problem almost accidentally. And two... Yeah, by riffing. Right. And two, that the most obvious first-route guess at what might work hasn't already been considered. Like, it wasn't considered when disinfectant was invented. Yes, yes, that's a good point. point like we could have been scrubbing our lungs

for years we're just not yeah exactly because i mean it wouldn't just have cured coronavirus but every single infectious disease we know of yeah it's like the only reason we haven't done that with blood diseases is that no one has the right kind of pipe cleaners it it also smacks of someone who's obviously never cleaned anything their life yeah and what i found weird was that has also never like or been ill like when you're a kid he's never been ill yeah maybe he's never been ill he doesn't he doesn't drink which really helps so and um yeah i mean you know i wouldn't be surprised if he actually has a pretty good immune system because when you're a kid that's the kind of thing you'd clear up with you talking to your mom or dad being like oh i'm sick because of germs but why can't we just clean them away

and your parents would be like well you that would kill you it's bad that's not how that works yeah like that's that's that should have come up and it's weird to me that that never came up for him i don't know his family was just too busy discussing gold. I think his father was just too busy ignoring him and slowly turning him into a monster. Yeah, I mean, it would be quite a thing to... I think you've nailed the problem. As you've said, this is something you learn in childhood

and he never had one yeah it like it was his childhood just like the only way he could get attention from his dad was by by behaving like a cruel businessman like like his dad would only play you know with his toys with him if he was evicting Barbie from her house and stuff? Yeah, you have to fire the bottom 10% of your toys each year. The lowest performing toys have to be fired. That's how you keep the playroom working at top effectiveness. Yeah, yeah. And his dad was like,

look, I'm technically, I'm only your dad through a kind of branding lease. Yeah, it's like a merger. Your actual dad is owned by a conglomerate of Chinese and Russian banks. It's very hard to actually track who your dad is.

And that's the point There are several shell dads Yeah you've got a dad In Panama On paper your dad lives in Panama But where he really lives I mean god knows But yeah that's what came across to me

In the press conference It was in the same conference is that it was like it was in the same sort of area, less extreme than this obviously, but in the same sort of area of just suddenly discovering that the president can't read Well, we've kind of suspected that from the beginning, right? And this is just further proof

But it's such a There's a video circulating of of george w bush talking about a flu pandemic have you seen this so it's when it's when w bush was president and he's doing a big speech about like why he's funding or or i think he's even setting up like a flu pandemic preparedness like organization like government body yeah and in the speech he's like well you know there is a flu pandemic coming um it could be next year it could be in five ten years or you know the experts you know they're saying we've got to be prepared and it's like the most it's the most heartbreakingly competent thing i've seen in such a long time

and i was just like god we thought you were a chimp we thought you were a fucking chimp it's extraordinary it really puts so much in perspective I don't know if you've seen George W. Bush on a talk show within the last couple of years since Trump came to power but it's yeah it's like oh I didn't I didn't realise

that America was led into the Iraq war by a Nobel Prize winner. Whenever you see George W. Bush now, it's like he's got a big, glowing, bulging, veiny forehead. Like a giant brain, like an alien. Glowing, humming. When was President Brainiac in power? I don't remember this. When was President Brainiac in power? I don't remember this.

He just looks like Dr. Manhattan, just all blue with white eyes. Yeah, it's amazing. I don't know if you've read that explosive Sunday Times expose about the British government's sort of ineffectiveness in the preparations for the pandemic and oh skipping all the cobras skipping all the cobras like indiana jones and and that um basically the national pandemic preparation training has been postponed the last two years because guess what? Everyone had to get ready for a no-deal Brexit.

Oh, great. So instead of getting ready for an involuntary pandemic of disease, we were getting ready for voluntarily not having any fresh vegetables in lorries. Yeah, sorry I didn't prepare for that hurricane coming down the road, but I had to load

my shotgun to shoot myself in the face. It's taking up a lot of time, actually. A lot of red tape. Turns out a lot of people don't want me to shoot myself in the face. I emptied the sand from all the sandbags to use it to build a racist sandcastle. And then I'll

burn down my house and I'll live in the sandcastle because it'll be better. Don't ask me why it'll be better. It'll be better. It's a castle. Wouldn't you want to live in a castle? It would be better because we built it. With our land.

God, yeah. I mean, looking back, just the idea of even living in a world where it was like, the worst thing the American president could do is just say a spoonerism by accident once in an otherwise completely competent speech. Yeah. Incredible.

Oh my god, he said nuclear. What spoiled children we were. He says nuclear. Oh my god, we're all gonna die. This guy says nuclear. Yeah, nuclear. Nuclear weapons. And even as much as he was a pasty-faced imbecile just someone like david cameron at the very least just sort of being

like the kind of slightly absent dad figure for the nation that he was yeah and now we've just got these weird clown tyrants. It's very sci-fi. But Boris has now gone full Pagliacci, hasn't he? He's getting sick, he's looking sad, he's settling down. But Doctor, I am Bojo. Don't worry, the Prime Minister will fix it. But Doctor, I am Bojo. Don't worry, the Prime Minister will fix it. But Doctor, I am the Prime Minister. Yeah.

Oh, God. I love the idea as well that loads of people in number 10 just had to be like, don't worry, he's cracking jokes in Latinin and he's uh he's he's he's on oxygen he's on oxygen uh just suddenly going from nothing nothing nothing oh everyone shit their pants oh my god this like it does feel like we're living in a kind of satirical graphic novel it's getting quite v for vendettaetta. Definitely. Yes. Yes. The police going around, no picnicking. Yeah.

And like people are going, um, is, you know, we don't know if Kim Jong Un's dead because of the secretive North Korean state. And a couple of days then, well, we didn't know if Boris Johnson was dead and no one was telling us. Isn't it?

It's like North Korea suddenly doesn't feel quite so foreign anymore at least at least we also I mean we know more about how many kids Kim Jong-un has than Boris

it's true it's true that's weird that's a weird thought what has happened is Kim Jong-un

dead no they're saying he probably isn't I don't know. I really enjoyed the rumor in the Japanese media that the reason he... So the rumor is that he's in a vegetative state. That's the big rumor.

Yeah. He's probably fine. South Korea's intelligence says he's fine. So they probably should fucking know, you'd hope, anyway. But the rumor that the Japanese press were reporting on in sections were like oh he's in a vegetative state because he had to have a heart uh operation open heart surgery but the doctor had never operated on anyone obese before which is the only fat man in the country well that's it so the doctor would be like is this

enough anesthetic and blood i don't know I have no experience of this and that's so ironic that it's like if that was in a play you'd be like alright grow up he has it on the nose it's like oh the king choked to death on truffles and gold yeah

in the end it was extra bowls of rice that killed the beast i would love to um someday i hope we find out like what what does someone like kim jong-un eat in a day and like do with his day i reckon it's proper late stage elvis stuff yeah kim jong-un's gonna die in the toilet he just has the vibe of someone who's gonna die on the toilet yeah he's he's gonna die from as it were a failed launch i i yeah i i remember reading that like because you know they um um all three generations of that family uh only travel by. They don't fly.

Are they afraid of flying? Yeah, apparently so. Or probably they're more just like, well, I just don't want to get taken out in the air by a secret missile. So it's probably a bit more practical than that, I would assume. Well, especially Kim Jong-un. I mean, he's seen what damage an anti-aircraft gun can do when he blew his

uncle up with it or whatever. He's like, whoa whoa i'm not flying well no not now that we've tested it but yeah so he travels over by train i remember reading that kim jong-il his dad would get like like helicopters would fly stuff to the train while it was moving and things you know like deliveries and like luxury dining cars and things. But yeah, I think you're right, late-stage Elvis. He has the look of a man who's like, why not put peanut butter on a lobster?

That kind of thing. Yeah, exactly. I mean, as evil as it is, it must be fucking sick to be a Kim Jong-un. It must be great. For a lot of it, it must be absolutely brilliant. Do you know know we don't know his age? It's like he's reportedly

36. Oh, really? Yeah. Like he's a southern bell. Oh, uh, a dictator never reveals his age. We start referring to Kim Jong-un as a spinster.

But yeah, I mean, I read that he went to school in Switzerland. And that's where he got into basketball and stuff. And you just think, hang on, are you telling me that he has classmates out there? That's it, isn't it?

There's a graduation photo somewhere. Why haven't we heard from them? Yeah, I want to talk to like... His head of house. Some crazy Swiss diplomat. His head of house. What kind of wet did he leave in the shower? Exactly.

Like, imagine if your job as like a student prefect or whatever was to be like wake up jong-un you're fucking lazy shit where's your homework just just just bellowing instructions at one of the most terrifying little little kids in the world i mean private schools european private schools have a proud history of educating the world's psychopaths. I mean, did Bin Laden go to quite a nice school? Bin Laden briefly went to school with Dom Jolly. Ha ha ha!

Isn't that insane? And the jury's still out as to who's had the more damaging impact on society. Ha ha ha! It was a very awkward alumni alumni magazine update what school was that do you know in england oh it was one of the london ones yeah fancy london one i think or maybe it was one of the ones in the middle east maybe dumb jolly's a bit fancier than that let me just look it up

right the hell now because that is one of my favorite facts and i should really remember it um i do like the idea that yeah they'd be like well some old boys from the school go on to be very successful in international affairs oh it was in Lebanon Dom Jolly was born in Lebanon

Bramanna High School let's find out let's see what Ofsted has to say was born in Lebanon. Interesting, interesting. Bramana High School. Is it a nice school? Let's find out. Let's see what Ofsted has to say. I guess that's a more exotic version of all the people who went to schools in London that are just full of ISIS kids. Yes, of course. Oh, wow. Bramana High School

is a Quaker co-educational day in boarding school. Quaker? Quaker? Osama bin Laden might be the worst Quaker in history. Apart from the no drinking thing, he absolutely nailed that. Gosh, I had no idea. It's established by a Swiss missionary. Good lord.

Do you think in one of the future prospectuses they ever went... One of our alumni actually has been making big waves in the New York financial district. Oh god. He's really changed things there.

He's a home video artist Oh man He's a home video artist And he's very influential in Global Developing world redevelopment schemes Yeah He's creating jobs He's in recruitment He's behind an enormous resurgence

Of Jobs and growth in the Military industrial complex A real headhunter Oh my lord Oh god Look the main thing is whether you agree or not, the school will fill your kids with ambition.

God, did you go to school with anyone who's turned out evil? Well, you and I went to university briefly with Milo Yiannopoulos. Oh, my God, you're right. I don't know if we've ever mentioned that. Yeah, he gave me... I think he reviewed my first ever show or performance at uni. As in, he reviewed the first show I did that was reviewed or something like this. Yeah.

I met him once briefly at the end of a big sort of end-of-year ball thing. And he just brought a bottle of wine over to one of the people I was talking to. And they had a kind of weird little chat and then he wandered away. But as a student journalist, he was, yeah, he was quite, he was like a shock jock. He was, but in sort of in person,

you could tell he didn't actually have the self-esteem to back it up, really. You could tell that he was sort of kidding himself and trying to kid the world. And it worked, I guess, at the highest echelons for a period. But now he's... For a period. Now he's gone? I don't know. I'm not going to put his name in the description of this, because we don't need that coming up in Google.

That kind of interaction. No, no no absolutely not um but that was that was a surreal moment when a guy i remember i was just being quite odd at uni was suddenly briefing the president donald trump it was man life gets weird yeah well i, I mean, he dropped out as well because he was a mature student. He dropped out of a bunch of other unis before he came to ours, I think. So it was just like everything about it was a bit odd

and then he just disappeared or whatever. And yeah, I guess that's, is that the most evil person we, or like the most like, maybe he's the most influential person. It's like that crazy thing, like Nigel Far or like the most like uh maybe he's the most influential person it's like that crazy thing like nigel farage is the most influential british politician of the last few years and he never got elected as an mp yeah yeah i i don't know if he's the most well i mean it's the jury's out as to how influential he really was

yeah that's true it's more like just uh all flash and no all gunpowder and no bullet like a lightning rod or whatever right he was sort of a figure people congregated around but i don't think he ever really dictated anything important you know that was also bannon and stuff um and mostly he seemed to be about dying his hair and saying weird stuff about pedophiles yeah yeah and who and who among us has not done both of those things in our careers as uh alt-right media influencers it's the podcast trap man people is people are not aware and certainly weren't back then just how many people listen to podcasts and because podcasts feel intimate it feels like you can be intimate, but you can't.

That took me a couple of years to learn, and fortunately not with as dramatic a lesson as Milo's. You didn't... Yeah, it would be very funny if this podcast turned from being kind of intermittently intellectual and intermittently poopy to just fringe politics, just really fringe, weird politics. I mean, if you think about the number of people who've lost their jobs

because of something they said on a podcast, specifically podcasts, it's things they don't say on TV, on radio, they better behave. On podcasts, they're tricked in this false sense of security. I mean, the guy who lost his job on SNL like the day after his first show you know that's because he's doing a racist impression of Chinese

people on a podcast and people just feel oh it's a podcast people aren't going to listen to this like five people will hear this but it's public domain well that's it and I think it's because podcasts it's generally like some weird guy with like a mic setup like we are.

And you sort of go, well, this is fine. Whereas if you went to a TV studio and people were rushing around with clipboards, you think, I better watch what the fuck I say. I wonder if our podcast will ever get anyone fired. I don't think so. No, we'd edit it out. I mean, some of the things Glenn said last week that we had to edit out. I mean, Jesus Christ. He owes us his professional life right now, and he knows it.

Yeah, I mean, we had to cut. We could have had a whole second episode just of unacceptable opinions and epithets. Yeah, terrible. Oh, enough to make your toes curl, listener. Oh, I mean, just editing it, I've got grey hair now. Shall we do some correspondence? Yes, correspondence. Correspondence Correspondence

Correspondence More letters my dear I don't know where that's from That's good Chris gets in touch Chris let's listen to this He says Hey Bud Poots I don't know where that's from. That's good. Chris gets in touch. Chris, let's listen to this. He says, hey, Bud Poots.

Thank you for a lovely poopy podcast. My sister Bee introduced me to it. B-E-A? I don't imagine you're... B-E-E. Bee! Okay. Just when I thought I had this world sussed out. Someone throws me a bee.

Okay. I don't imagine you remember every single piece of correspondence you receive, but you read out an email of hers as part of the fringe correspondence dinner last week. In fact, I started listening after she got me to come with her to the tartan ribbon gig which Pierre did a set at. At which Pierre did a set? In question mark? Yes.

It was very good, and although I'm not a founding father, I'm proud to be a tardy tutor. Nice. I like tardy tutor Nice, I like tardy tutor Nice, tardy tutor That's good Anyway, B reminded me of a fun poo story that I like to tell periodically Sit round the fire and listen children

and rightly pointed out I should send it to you Back when I was in my first year of uni there was a story that got passed around the holes of a poo in an oven Wow We had a poo in a staircase at college Yeah

A poo in the staircase, did you? Yeah, it had a lot of corn in it, that's what I remember It was a talk of the college for a couple of days A corny, corny poo in one of the staircases Of a poo in an of the staircases. Of a poo in an oven. I didn't really know the details at the time, and I assumed it was a myth,

hyping up how grotty certain accommodation was. Until in my third year, until my third year, I met someone who had first-hand experience of the poo in question. I will try and set the scene. My pal Ryan wanted some toast in the morning In these particular student halls There were no toasters

Oh no That's such a student hall thing Where they go You've all got Access to very niche books But not fucking toasters It's so silly In these particular student halls

There were no toasters. Rather, you had to use the grill if you wanted a toasty treat. You can probably predict where this is going. Ryan went through to the kitchen, turned the grill on to heat it up, and briefly went back to his room. Upon his return to the kitchen, he was greeted by an

unholy stench. Bemused and afraid, he inspected the grill pan and to his horror, there was a full-on human plop inch. Oh my god. Bemused and afraid, he inspected the grill pan and to his horror, there was a full-on human plop in there. Oh my days. That he had inadvertently started cooking for breakfast. Oh my god. A grilled poo.

I don't think this is a first cooked poo. Of all the poo stories, none of them have been cooked. It's healthier to grill a poo than to fry it. This is like some human centipede shit. Like you're treating poo as food and starting the process again. Yeah.

I hate it. Keep going. Look, if you want to lose weight, you've got to grill your poos. That's one of the things. Yeah, Gwyneth Paltrow is really into it. She's a poo griller. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure.

The kitchen was closed for a while after that, and I believe they had to replace the cooker entirely because, as the old adage goes, you shouldn't eat poo for breakfast. Yeah, it's a cliche, but for a reason. I was never particularly good pals with Ryan, and to be honest, I think I only remember him because he was the guy who grilled a poo. Yeah, we all get remembered for something.

I'm pretty sure he qualified as a doctor, though, and then left Scotland, perhaps to cook jobbies in foreign climes. Keep on jacking it, you lovely lads. Chrisads chris thanks chris i mean that is vile um i can why is it so hard i want i want i want to know what it did to its structure like does it do you get like a char over the top do you does it get bigger does it get smaller yeah surely it's like yeah there must be some apparently they're like I have read somewhere they're like mostly water

so that's going to be part of it oh man oh that's absolutely horrible but thank you Chris I really like that story yeah that was good and disgusting yes yeah it's the grilling it's too But thank you, Chris. I really, really like that story. Yeah, that was good and disgusting. Yes, it's the grilling.

It's too foodie, isn't it? It's too intimate. It's such a specific way to cook a poo. Yeah, it's like if someone said, I accidentally fricasseed my poo. Oh, what? I made a poop souffle. I don't know how I did it, but I did. I made a poop souffle.

I don't know how I did it, but I did. Sarah gets in touch. Sarah, the bearer of poo news. Yes, well, hello pod bum buds, she says. That's something quite different, I think. Yes. She says, our previous MP thought astrology could save the NHS.

I've attached a screenshot from his Wikipedia. Green party, wasn't it? Well, let's find out. She says, it says a lot about my village that it liked to vote for him and it had Brexit fireworks. This is the only podcast I can't listen to whilst running, as I laugh too much, Sarah. Thank you, Sarah. So let's have a look at this screenshot. It appears to be someone called David Tredinick.

Okay. Or Tredinick. Tredinick is a supporter of astrology and its use in medical practice. It says a lot about Brexit, that a village of Brexiteers also believe in astrology. They also believe in witchcraft. God. So he says, in November 2009, he spoke at a meeting organized

by the Astrological Association of Great Britain. Oh my word. The Astrological Association of Great Britain. Can you imagine the chat at those meetings? Can you believe that astrology has, like, paperwork? And they probably have, like, they've had to apply for licenses and building permission for astrology.

It's extraordinary. And also, like, they've got to, like, can you imagine how carefully they have to schedule their conferences? Great, now there's meetings in retrograde. I'll be happy. Well, that question took too long, and now the moon is bad. It's a bad moon now.

So he spoke at a meeting organised by the astrological association of great britain where he related his personal experience of astrology and illness advocating that astrology be integrated into the nhs in 2014 he told mps i am absolutely convinced that those who look at a map of the sky for the day that they were born and receive some professional guidance will find out a lot about themselves and it will make their lives easier. Oh my God. I think you'll find out something about yourself, but it won't be anything good.

Was he an independent? Oh, that's a good question. The BBC is quite dismissive of astrology and has always seeked to promote the science perspective. Liberal Democrat Michael Mulaney who stood against Him in the 2015 general election was Concerned about his utterly ridiculous obsession With astrology asking will Mr. Trederick ever stop

Of course Pierre you know what News outlet is Pro astrology Sky News What news outlet is pro-astrology? Sky News. Oh! Thank you. Thank you.

Just because we're on lockdown doesn't mean we can't have fun. And the Daily Star. Of course, I'm going to forget. Of course, Daily Star's better. Yes, David Trednick, conservative. Really? Yeah. um uh uh yes uh david treadmick conservative really yeah he's an advocate of alternative medicine right so the the one thing he's ostensibly progressive about and he chooses astrology oh he went to uh eton then oxford and then the grenadier guards classic absolutely classic sometimes you can be so educated you push all the information out yes or like you're far too educated in like one thing like this guy where he's like well i'm very good at marching and poems

oh man i don't like the idea of an army officer who likes astrology. I wouldn't want to be under that man's command. No. No. We should ambush the enemy at dawn. Dawn's got a bad Saturn. What about midday? Yeah, we'll come through the open plain because that's right underneath Capricorn. And we'll approach them from the front

because the moon is good. Oh, my Lord. Yeah, and it's dangerous because like that correspondent said last week, like once it's in your head, you do start to sort of think in those terms. Yeah, of course of course whether you like it or not i mean that's how propaganda works

uh i think and it's only going to get worse now that people have had more time to sit at home and just think on their own and go on the internet and make shit up and conspire and yeah and and and also like it's the trouble is that it's kind of very difficult to start the pulling on the thread of no one in parliament should believe something ridiculous because then what if they're just like you know a scientologist or it's a some religious thing or whatever or or you know it or it's too risky you just have to go alright I guess there's a wizard in parliament

What are you saying? That there should be a rule a law against MPs with crazy beliefs? Well not so much a law but it just feels like we should be able to all just kind of stop and go, wait a minute, that MP

believes in astrology? Okay, no, no. We're having another election. That's cancelled. And everyone would go, well, yeah, that's fair enough. That's like finding out that there was fraud. How much do you believe in a representative democracy, though? If there are enough people in the general public who believe in astrology, surely there should be a similar proportion of MPs who do.

God, I mean, can you imagine taking that argument as far as you can and just being like, look, a certain number of members of parliament have to be paedophiles. I'm sorry. Members of parliament have to be Peter Files I'm sorry At least I guess statistically Three or four Representation matters yeah Look we haven't heard from them

How great would it be if A certain number of MPs had to be in jail That'd be sick Oh I think that i have seen the statistics of like um statistically members of parliament are are more likely to have a criminal conviction than the average member of the public oh really okay yeah yeah i can see that enough of them have committed fraud of course etc etc um uh okay oh so we've got quite a good uh nice little thing here from uh from james james um god nothing wrong with james no more shames yeah no more shames for james

yeah hi plot pups uh um Yeah, no more shames for James Yeah Hi Plot Pups Sorry, my doorbell just went but I think it's fine Hi Plot Pups, I couldn't think of a context in which I could write the following anecdote verbally without arousing genuine concern over my well-being Been there before? And yet, I believe it could just be the thing

to promote well-being for so many. Due to a diet rich in probiotics, my microbiome is currently at peak functioning, which has had the effect of allowing very smooth stool movements. My micro-biome? Yeah, all the germs in your guts. Oh, okay. Nice one. Your flora. Yes, yes indeed. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's made pooing great again. Great.

Yeah. At the tail end of a recent toilet transaction, as I flushed, I looked directly into the bowl and inexplicably mouthed the words, You've been expelled. like a naughty student like a naughty brown student in your body you've been expelled that's quite an action movie isn't it yeah yeah it's very Schwarzenegger Yes, yes, yes, yes

He says, I really can't say why I did this But what I can say is With water still audibly trickling into the cistern While I wash my hands, looking into the mirror I thought, yeah, good work With a heightened sense of joyful achievement Previously unattained in this sphere of activity. It could be that as a teacher... He is a teacher,

so it is a pun. Ah, great. That must be why it was so satisfying for you, James. It could be that as a teacher I was simply projecting my desires to expel difficult students, and I mentally attached it to my movement, thus creating an unexpected beautiful synergy. Ah, he got it out of the system

in more ways than one. Yeah. I urge others to end their movements with a similar flush flourish. Gardeners might say, you've been sown, and judges might mouth, guilty as charged, etc. Guilty as charged is good. An easy win, low-hanging fruit. You're sincerely James. That's funny. I wonder what

our equivalent would be. You've been a wonderful crowd. Treating your shit like a heckler looking into the bowl. I remember my first beer. Oh my god. Yeah, just trying to do put-downs to your own dumps.'s funny that's really funny

is there is there a job that that can't do it oh like if you're like a surgeon you just look into the toilet you go i'm afraid it's bad news flush right yeah or a pilot or a pilot going get off my plane i know that's that's harrison ford says that isn't it what would what would a pilot say to it uh thank you for flying with us that's fucking great that's quite action hero-y thanks for flying with us that's really good oh my word that's very funny james for that. Yeah, that's really good.

I'm going to be thinking about that for a while. Yeah, absolutely. That's pretty much the podcast, guys. Episode 60. Remember to share it around and hopefully Budpod can cheer up some of the other, all the lonely people that are currently locked down. Yeah, man.

Stay strong, stay healthy. Love you lots. Stay inside, stay healthy. Love you lots. Stay inside, stay indoors. See you next week. See you next week, guys. Enjoy playing video games all day. That's what I'm going to do. Same.

Bye. Okay, bye.