BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 62 - Unlimited BudPod!

Episode Date: May 13, 2020

Unlimited BudPod! The restrictions have been lifted! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss Freud and which numbers look like which genitals and sexual acts. Functioning heroin addicts. Twitter is a big bin. Anime fights. TRIPLE TAT: wine flu, alcohol is the answer, THE LAD'S PRAYER. It turns out that Phil is the TAT WHISPERER! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 62! 62! Who'd have thought we'd get this far? 62, is 62 anything? No, I think until 69 we're in a sort of dearth of significant numbers, the 60s. Yeah, I think 69 will be the most, the easiest number to react to that we've had since, I would say, 30. Yes, it's the most evocative of the numbers, yeah.

Yeah, I think, yeah, that would be quite a funny sort of like life phrase, wouldn't it, if you said, well, your last significant birthday, of course, is 30 and after that it's it's just it's just nothing until 69 at which point you'll uh you'll have counterintuitively probably have your 69 days behind you yes yes i i i wonder if you're if you're particularly old, at what point does one give up that sort of activity? Do you just go, my back can't take that? Your back, your knees, the risk of suffocation.

I mean, it's a death trap as far as sex positions go. And if you're one of those people who sort of for whom this becomes a factor just F it yeah absolutely just F it just go oh we can just do something else that's not that maybe less in the future

how did 69 get away with being the only sex position number surely there are others out there I mean 66 is bumming isn't it 66 is definitely anal is that what

order 66 was in Star Wars that's when they try and kill all the Jedis. Oh, is it? Order 66? Enact Order 66. There was them going, do you mean bumming? No.

No. Oh, right. Okay, I should have checked on that first. Well, the Jedi are dead. Yeah, it might not have gone down the way you were foreseeing, but it's done now. It's an important thing. It justifies the means.

66. I can't believe we've done number weapons and not number fuck. Number fucking, yeah. Yeah. Hmm. A one is a wank. Yeah, that's just a big phallus, isn't it? A one. It's got a little head on the top.

Depending on your font. Yeah, your one can be circumcised or not, can't it? Depending on your font, you can like a base for it and everything yeah so one is a penis so and a zero obviously so a ten is a ten is a close up

shot isn't it ten is penetration of-up shot, isn't it? A ten is penetration of any kind. Right, yes, exactly. Dick and hole is ten. A nine or a six is a man's... A nine or a six could be Wang's as well, Mr. Wang, because the circle could be the balls. That is true.

Hmm. It turns out the numbers actually replete with penises. If you're right, it's dicks. Some grand Freudian theory of mathematics that we're about to uncover, I think. Can you imagine if you went to a therapist and said, look, I'm here for one reason and one reason only. When I look at numbers, it's just a forest of penises. The therapist would be like, well, has that negatively impacted your life at all

well it's distracting well you know maybe learn to live with it let's find out how um how freudian an incident would have to occur for you to seek a therapist's advice within a week. How Freudian? Yeah, so like how badly would you have to commit some sort of Freudian slip or start seeing dicks everywhere? Right, okay. Would you think to yourself,

I need to sort this out ASAP? Hmm. Hmm. I guess if like all my food turned to dicks and I was just like eating dicks and balls I think I'd probably find that in a present yeah that would yeah that's pretty bad

yeah I think that's pretty bad yeah I think that's fair or if like I was convinced all the springs in my mattress were penises sort of you know getting bigger and smaller and you know and all those noises were

dicks getting crunched you know and they're all endlessly spiralling up to try and touch your body. That's right, like a pig's penis. Yeah, they're all trying to break through the top of the mattress because they want to get to my body. And I can hear their voices at night. They're saying, please.

Please. Please. Only when you move on them Yeah Please Please How about you? What about you?

What would it take for What would be Freudian enough for me to seek help? Yeah Oh I'm googling therapists now yeah Just after this chat Once you're done talking into this silver penis in front of you. Once I'm done using my penises to type out the name of the new episode on these balls here. It's time to go to hospital.

You know how Freud's work has been widely discredited now, right? Yeah, no one's really a Freudian anymore I mean, what an absolute heist to be the defining figure in the history of your profession And to have got it completely wrong I mean, that's quite the achievement, isn't it? If you and I ended up being remembered as the greatest comedians of all time, and we never got a single laugh,

that would be quite an achievement. That's effectively what Freud has done, isn't it? Not these days, mate. Oh, it's true, it's true. Alternative to comedy, more like. Yeah, exactly. It's interesting as well, like Freud is not just the father of it all but he's also like

when you have a Warner Brothers cartoon Daffy Duck goes to Freud they give him a German accent and a little beard yeah yeah that is crazy is there anything else like that? the inventor of football was actually just a

baseball player or something i mean what would that even be well there's i think this is the you know the various fathers of philosophy have been yeah they were all like you know um evil is just ignorance also the world is made of snakes and it's the shape of a donut and the sun is in the middle of the donut. You know, it's only one of those, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trees are just God's fingers. He's on other ground and he's mad.

And everyone just had to go, well, that's an interesting theory. Do you think it's like yeah maybe I think Freud gets away with it because everyone is like everyone just looks at it and goes well the Victorians are pretty fucking weird so maybe he was

right back then Freud but he wasn't Victorian yeah but his patients would have been born in the Victorian era oh I see, I see. So they're still Victorians themselves. So it's like, oh yeah, because everyone was really fucking weird about their dad

and everyone's mum and no one could talk about sex. And he gave everyone a line of coke and they started talking about whether or not they did wanking, you know. It's true. I guess he just kind of opened the bottle. He opened the genie out there's there's a there's a point it's like not not only is that he get everything wrong but he was just like feeding his patients cocaine was he actually um yeah yeah yeah it was a prescription that he found

very useful for making people extremely talkative no way yeah he Yeah. People really open up after I give them a line or two of this great blow. The Gag Clinic is open! Take this Colombian marching powder and march to a healthier psychological future white lines don't do it do it do it

oh my god i'd love to have yeah lu have Lucian Freud doing a bunch of like... Doing a bunch of singing like Cocaine by Eric Clapton. It helps you to talk, why not? Take a walk with Cocaine. It helps you to talk, why not? Take a walk with cocaine. Yeah, doing the music video like Christopher Walken in Fatboy Slim. Yeah.

Do you remember that video? In the end he's dancing around. You can go over this. Great. I think that was the video, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun- my head oh yeah completely i just thought oh look at that old guy dancing i swear i recognize him that's probably nothing anyway off to chase this butterfly i thought that the other day i watched it and uh i re-watched it actually just the other day and i do remember thinking whenever i watched

it you know whatever young young age we were just wow, he looked old and that he couldn't dance, and then he did. God, what a music video. Jesus, he was old then. Yeah, or he seemed old to us. I guess now he just looks like a man who's 45. Well, he's got one of those faces that just always looks old, doesn't it?

Yeah, but I guess he's kind of what they call a character actor i was just thinking about that today i read someone's biography that said he was a character actor and that's just an actor isn't it what actors don't play characters i saw a good tweet where they were like uh like wow it's amazing that they had to invent the term character actor for people who can actually act as opposed to people who are just hot yeah that's true yeah yeah yeah every character is a really craggly face it's right like a toby jones or uh um yeah exactly i mean i can't remember the other guy's name but you know him everywhere you see him everywhere yeah you see them a lot in in mobster movies where they're like,

well, you look like a mobster so that is who you will play. I mean, what's impressive about character actors is that they were so good at acting people had to overlook how ugly they are. Can you imagine being that good at acting that a Hollywood producer goes, oh God, they're so ugly

but they're really good. Yeah, that's it like the highest level of that would be would be or like no not just ugly sometimes just like slightly odd looking like philip seymour hoffman yeah he had to be so good at acting yeah and it's like something about your face i'm not sure how it fits together your own face but you are so good at acting I'm going to make your face really big on loads of screens do you think they'll ever have a character actor

but for like you know how yogurt adverts are always aimed at women and there's a bikini lady involved at some point it's always like a lady in a in a swimming costume by a pool it's like now is when you eat yogurt yeah yeah do you think there'll ever be a character actor equivalent of someone who is not a sexy bikini good at selling yogurt like they just have a palpable

passion for cultured products yeah and like they do you've got like a kind of madman style ad executive who's going like look we focus

group the response and by the end of the session half the group had already left to go buy the yogurt. I mean it's incredible. It's like the charisma of a cult leader but with regards only to yogurt. Maybe Philip Seymour Hoffman

would have done that if they'd let him have a go. Yeah he did have quite a yogurt-y complexion. Yeah. It would have. He did have the look of a man. Who had. Who had only just finished a yogurt. At all times.

He was a very good actor. Did you see him in. In what's it in In Mission Impossible 3 Yes He's really terrifying He's really good He's also really contemptuous

And strange in Red Dragon Oh I've not seen that It's too scary I've only just seen Silence of the Lambs you only saw that the other day you should watch Red Dragon

it's full of heavy hitters the cast couldn't be more A-list yeah check it out have you seen him in Capote that's amazing yeah he's fantastic I also recommend him in... Oh, bloody hell.

It's an adaption. I think it's of some Le Carre book. And it's set in Hamburg. And he plays a German federal agent, like spy guy. And suddenly he's got this deep voice and this really perfect German accent. And it's amazing. He's so good. Was so good.

One of the most successful heroin addicts in the world. Heroin! You're not fucking around! How do you win that many Oscars and nominations for Oscars on heroin the whole time? Well, not the whole time, but for a long time. You must really

like acting, because the whole problem with heroin is that once you've had it you realise nothing comes near being as good acting for him had to be pretty close yeah that's true and just doing things

yeah I'm amazed by that walking about I don't know how much I would do comedy if I also was doing heroin i was like hey do you want to come to the chuckle hut tonight to do it a 20 minutes it's like well i don't know i've just had some heroin i swear there are people who do it like casually yeah well this is the the thing isn't it is the the sort of um that's kind of what i find really scary about it because uh people always say like oh he was a functioning alcoholic and like i've

met functioning alcoholics and they do function but everyone can tell that they're an alcoholic it's not like hard you know they're not like undercover alcoholics. You never go, what? Yeah. You never go, not Sister Mary. It's never like that. Whereas someone like Philip Seymour Hoffman and all these other people who pop up from time to time, you're just like, they were on junk the whole time? On fucking horse? That's unbelievable.

And it's scarier because i think it's easier for them to kid themselves that it's functional because it's like if you're a functioning alcoholic in quotes you're like all puffy and you're hung over all the time and your mouth is dry and you smell and you know your hands are shaking and da da da da and well lay off the alcohol the alcoholic shaming there pierre yeah i'm sorry it's uh it's been a long quarantine and uh we're all going to come to learn the ways of the alcoholic before the end of this quarantine but the idea of of someone dancing with something is as lethal as heroin and being like, well, I, but I can figure it out. People don't just suddenly die

from this. Yeah, man. Yeah. Terrifying. Absolutely insane. Speaking of, um, oh yeah. No, I can understand if, you know, if a successful actor was addicted to cocaine because that gets you up, that gets you going. But to be addicted to a

drug that is basically just like turns your life into a nap. How does... Yeah, how do you get up and pretend to be German? Yeah, exactly. And with that level of skill. Do you think maybe he was like, oh, I want to be on heroin from Friday

till maybe Sunday. And he like scheduled in his, his, his sessions or something. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. It's mad.

Like you say, any kind of upper you get because you're like, well, you know, you, you, you're an actor and you trained for years and take this very seriously. And in this film,

you're playing a man whose wife is a goblin and she can only talk to you through farts and you have to cry now because she's dying in this scene so you're really going to need something to help you out this sounds like a good movie is this what happens in Red Dragon? I need to see it

goblin fart mistress Gfm yeah yeah yeah there's meryl streep a whole list of they had to read they had to redo all the goblin wife's 3d it was like cats. They gave her a bum hole. It was too much From Wednesday the 13th of May the government's advice on lockdown is changing And things couldn't be more clear You're allowed to go outside Except when you're not allowed to go outside try to only go to the park But if you don't have a park go to a national park or beauty spot. Unless all the locals don't want you to and it'll make them angry, in which case don't. The police could stop you. Well, they might not. It just depends. You want to see your mum? You want to see your dad?

We know. But you can only pick one. It's like some sort of divorce. And if your parents are already divorced, it's like the divorce again. But this time, the government is making it happen for everyone's own good. Visit your dad in the park. Visit your mom in the park the next day. Go for a jog two meters away from someone you went to school with. And play sport, but only with members of your own household. So if you live alone, you'd better be able to play ping pong

with a wall like Forrest Gump. All of this is for the sake of keeping you alive and keeping pressure off the health service, not with money or assistance or efficient supply chains, but with a general burden and anxiety placed on you, an ordinary person. And we'd just like to thank you for taking this whole thing almost entirely off our hands. Thank you. Maybe someday someone will bang a couple of pots together for you, eh?

Only joke. Thank you. Maybe someday someone will bang a couple of pots together for you, eh? Only joke. Although, in good quarantine news, I've managed to start... I've managed to finally get myself to do, like, to read. I found it quite difficult You read? You read a lot don't you? Yeah but I had all these plans Phil I have a stack of 14 books that I could have

started reading months ago and I haven't Wow you've actually counted I've got a whole stack of things. Yeah. And I keep buying books whenever you've even read the ones I already have. Someone stop me. I just love buying books.

Stop me before I crush my family under the weight of these books. Yeah. I've started actually managing to make my way through uh chunk chunks and chunks and chunks of books which feels good it feels like i'm achieving something it's just so addictive to just refresh twitter and see if the and see see if the angry machine maybe has something fun in now, like just endlessly scraping through turds in a sewer for a little coin. I need to get rid of it. I check Twitter now while I wait for someone to reply to me on WhatsApp.

Like, I text someone back. We're having a conversation on WhatsApp. I'll text them back. And in order to bridge the intolerable gap between my message and their reply i'll go with twitter it's because i can't let my mind rest for a second without something going into it without some opinion or bit of content to stimulate it it's pathetic here we are here we are shitting on the memory of Philip Seymour Hoffman when we're the addicts.

Yeah. We, this is our heroine and we dare to judge a man for doing essentially what we're doing. It's pathetic and I hate us. A man for taking actual medicine instead of stupid opinion medicine. But I love it. It's so...

Yeah, so addictive. You love bad takes, Phil, more than any man I know. It's a kind of good practice at not giving takes. That's my challenge to myself now, is to stay out of politics and stay out of

the number of people online who are convinced they have the answer to an unprecedented pandemic is extraordinary. It's like, obviously this government hasn't got everything right, but some people are like, if only they opened this and they closed that, they should have closed this

then, like I would have done, and no one would have died. And it's extraordinary. So I think as long as you and we'd all no one would have died and it's um it's extraordinary so i think as long as you and i refrain from becoming one of those people we have looked the abyss in the eye and turned away yeah i think i think it's it is instructive to have a machine that essentially shows you a randomized list of some of the worst possible takes and ideas uh in any given situation um and yeah yeah you're yeah the number of yeah like you say the number of people who've suddenly become incredible experts on this you'd think that there'd be some global situation where people go

none of us have a clue i mean yeah yeah there's something that would be big enough where people go, none of us have a clue. I mean, yeah. There's something that would be big enough where they go, okay, now this one I'm sitting out. I swear to God, if something happened at CERN, everyone would have their own theories on the Higgs boson. I swear to God. Look, it's just PC gone mad. If you don't let the neutrinos collapse in the upwards direction...

And it's all being tweeted by an account where the profile picture is a heavily pixelated photo of a golden retriever. Why is no one talking about the up quark right now this is to leave the up quark out of conversation is

violence actually I think that one of the scariest things about twitter is that you do see these people where like you say their certainty that they have the solution to everything has driven them properly insane. And there's nothing worse than scrolling down through someone's tweets and you go, oh, you've tweeted almost every minute. You're almost in a manic state. Maybe you are in a manic state if it's a stranger and you don't know them, you go, God, it's very odd to think about

someone on the other end of a Twitter account being actually mad in some way. It's been a real education for myself to just... Because I've only started getting hateful messages over the last few months, particularly

towards the end of the last election. And it's been a real education in the power of looking at someone's profile and realising they're insane. We're still wired to look at writing that's in black and white and you know printed on the internet as legitimate it's just someone shouting in the street and once you come to realise that

you find peace and you find understanding but it's still entertaining to watch them scream which is the dangerous bit where you go on their profile and you think well you know what triple x 420 dog fucker 69 is just i imagine some sort of school headmaster or perhaps even a local doctor although i think dog fucker would go with 66 probably Yes, how would you Yeah, it would have to be

It would have to be 66 I can't think of a dog-like number There really isn't They're highly underrepresented in the number kingdom Dogs Dear BBC It occurs to me that I cannot Think of a single dog-like number.

Please rectify this immediately or I will cancel my license fee immediately. Are you looking forward to Unlimited Exercise on Wednesday? Unlimited Exercise. That's the second Star Wars second franchise reference after Order 66 that's right it's a Star Wars episode

yes it certainly is I can't wait to have my if there's anything that's been limiting me Phil it's the limit on my exercise I just do so much that I reach a point and I can feel like Obii-wan you know boris appears above me and says no stop no more you deserve a break and then i stopped doing a

million push-ups and sit-ups um i certainly haven't used quarantine to somehow simultaneously get a bit slimmer and fatter at the same time in terms of the look of my body that is what i have just moved it around i think i've moved it around and i've lost i've lost muscle so the i've i've slimmed down a bit but what's left of me is good then i can finally defeat you i will no longer have to be afraid of you I won't have to put up with your shit anymore I can finally beat you in a fight That's good to hear

In the anime of this fight It turns out I beat you because the one muscle That didn't get any weaker is the wanking one And I just kill you with my right forearm strength Yeah yeah you reveal your arm, and then it's a close-up of me going ha ha ha, and then like a drop of sweat that hangs on my brow, and the background

becomes lines. You say something like, what? It can't, it cannot be! Yeah, and my monologue goes on for so long as you patiently wait for it to finish. But his arm, his arm is very strong. I thought I could defeat him, but I had not

considered that his arm would be strong from all his wanking. Huh, this is going to be hard. With that strong arm, he can punch me right into the oblivion. Oh, this is going to be very difficult. I should have trained. Why didn't I train? And you're just there going, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, and your teeth are white and, like like big in your mouth.

Yeah, my face is like completely in shadow and I'm like looking downwards and there's like a little evil smile. Yeah, exactly. It appears with like a kind of... It's like there's one thing you didn't count on. thing. It's like, there's one thing you didn't count on. Yeah, and then in your speech, I often seem to remember that often in a speech

like that that you were just doing, they introduce an enormous bit of context that without context, they sort of go, oh, he will punch me into the nether realm. Yes, yes, yes. And you're watching it like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's all this?

Nether realm? What the fuck? Yeah, very misty. Very good at building tension. I'm amazed how popular anime is. I never, like, growing up, everyone loved it in Malaysia, and my cousins loved it and stuff, and I just thought it was ridiculous.

I couldn't... It just was insane. No one behaves that way. And there's, like you say, there's so much information, and it's... There's so much information they somehow managed to be really repetitive about. Yeah. Is that, again, a theme we return to on this podcast?

Is that a Japanese thing? Well... Is it just a time-saving thing where they're like, well, it's very cheap to animate the mouth flapping, so let's have him talk for a while. But it's not really in the Japanese psyche to cut corners, though, is it? They're not exactly known for their laziness. Yeah, and that's probably why the downfall of every villain is, as you say, a lack of training.

Right, yeah. It's always a lack of training. It's never just like, well, there was nothing I could have done. Oh, well. Even Pokemon, which is ostensibly a vehicle to sell cards to children, that was essentially about the importance of practice,

wasn't it? It's about going to the gym and practicing and listening to a professor. And slowly collating an enormous set of biological data. Yes, yes, yes. Compiling your own encyclopedia. Yeah, it's all homework at the end of the day for them. encyclopedia yeah it's just it's all homework at the end of the day for them it's like the national psyche has been wounded by losing world war ii by not doing enough

homework in advance about how big america is yeah never again um oh man yeah I'm amazed If you told me in 2006 that everyone Not just freaks on the internet On websites I went on Because I had no friends But everyone would be into memes and anime Seemingly

I would have called you a god damn dreamer Yeah It just goes to show you how Naturally nerdy the human is i guess so or just like memes and and video games it's not nerdiness is it i mean the whole the whole and you you you you probably share the frustration of how nerd and geek has been sort of co-opted by popular culture in recent um years hot people Hot people with glasses? Right, yeah Yeah, I like reading a book or knowing about

the existence of Pi I mean there was even like there's that old episode of The Simpsons where R.T. Ziff tries to woo Marge and he's invented he's invented

the invention that's made him rich is a device that turns dial-up sounds into a catchy song and the song goes Hey there super geek you will be connected in no time and you go oh wow people used to think that the internet was a geeky thing

it was like you know a nerdy obsession for computer obsessives yeah people would be like oh now connected to the internet now it's everyone's preferred plane of life that's true it's replaced life now people are people someone i i saw someone make this point online the other day online um he said on his podcast on the web while you were surfing i was surfing while you were surfing the cyberspace i was surfing the information super highway um and i pulled into a little rest stop phil and here's what the

what an old man said to me um that like when remember when you were a kid where you would like go online to take a break whereas now you're online all the time and you're like, well, I really need a break away from the internet. It's the default. That's right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Awful. Burn it all. Let's all just go full fight club and meaninglessly destroy a few credit card companies

and hope that that does it. Well, I mean, that's essentially what's happening with the 5G masts, isn't it? They're fight clubbing the internet. They're trying to fight club the internet. They go, the porn on my phone's already too fast. I can't take any faster. Hmm, man. Man, oh

man. Can't wait to go to the park Wednesday you and I before we started were talking about how park life has taken on a new meaning and now we are actually all living the park life

this is all anyone can do all we can do is the park life and we need a man saying walking around the park the other day need a man saying like walking around the park the other day two metres distance with a close member of my family

park life yeah park life that's everything now you can meet one parent but you can't meet the other parent even if they're

in the same household as your first parent park life ring rings emails emails phone calls tweets your sister your best friend correspondence it's wine o'clock somewhere give me the coffee and no one gets hurt bless this mess i like two

things pals and prosecco and i'm all out of power. One Prosecco, two Prosecco, three Prosecco, floor. If the wife asks, I'm working. Keep calm and keep drinking tea. Cat attack! Correspondence and some tat, Phil. Correspondence and tat. We should add the tat jingle as well, just because I think people don't

get to hear it very much, and I'd really like it. It's true. We'll, we'll, we'll, I get to hear it very much, and I'd really like it. It's true. I'll make sure it's both jingles in a row, just to keep people on their damn toes. Gosh, yeah. Nice one. Their goddamn toes. And so who gets in touch? Lisa. Lisa, nice to meet you.

Yeah. Dear Fier Wangelli. That's nice. I like it. She says, praise praise redacted so that's nice Thank you for that whatever it is Just wanted to share some She said praise redacted She has

Well that's a very neat cheat isn't it Very neat approach Yeah yeah yeah Now we can just apply I would like it if that was in real life, where I could meet up with people and just go, oh, hey, man, praise redacted. How are you?

Just general praise for them and their lives. Just like, oh, you look great. Is that a new eyebrow? You know, whatever. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So just wanted to share some tat I saw this morning on Instagram. I saw it, threw up a little in my mouth, and immediately thought of you. So here it is.

And it is, to be fair, it's some of the proper, like, it's actually not badly formatted. It's just bold black lettering on a white background. And it says, It's not a hangover. Full stop. Oh, no. It's... And what do you think it says, Phil?

It's not a hangover. Full stop. It's... It's not a hangover. It's... A fun headache. Ooh, you're close, you're very close it's a it's a fun bill

okay you're less close than that colder, colder it's a headache to remind you of the good times, okay I give up it's a headache to remind you of the good times. Okay, I give up. It's a headache to remind you of the good times. Diarrhea to remind you of the bad times.

It's not a hangover. It's wine flu. No! I quite like that, actually. Yeah. I don't mind that. Wine flu. I don't mind that wine flu I don't mind that

that's the kind of thing though if you said it like in the pub the day after and you riffed it people would be like that's brilliant

well done yeah I reckon you get a good laugh yeah and well it also she says thank you for the stories

the laughs and teaching a German girl the word tat. So Lisa is German. Guten tat. Dankeschön für das tat, Lisa. Das tat of course was a book by

Karl Marx. It's Revolution O'clock somewhere in this house we share or we're murdered that kind of thing yeah that's great um and communist tat that's that's something to get into commie tat oh yeah commie tat oh my word um keep up the good work and and and koji lisa so that's very thank you for that lisa that's very nice and it's good to nice to have German listeners I've always been a fan of the Deutsch because my school was full of Deutsch was it now?

yeah I had lots of German kids in my sixth form do you reckon that might be partially responsible for your Jahr? it certainly didn't make it go away that's for sure and there were also like south african teachers at my school as well so i was never too far from a yar i think in my uh at my private school pierre um we i think we had one German guy and he was quite weird. Yeah, he's quite a sweet...

That sort of almost xenophobic characterization of a chubby... He was essentially the chubby Austrian kid from The Simpsons. What's he called? Oh, really? Ralph? No, he's not Ralph. What's he called? Oh, really? Ralph? No, he's not Ralph. What's he called? Rudolph or something.

Isn't it Gunter or something? Yeah, it is Gunter, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was sort of rosy-cheeked and chubby like that. And he was always eating chocolate. Chocolate, yeah. I like that episode of the Simpsons where the Germans come and try and buy the nuclear plant

yes yeah and Homer and Mr. Burns annoy them and they say please we Germans are not all smiles and chocolate. They, okay, let's see. Oh, yeah.

There's just some classic tat sent in by Alfie that he saw in a pub in Harrogate in the before time. Of course, yeah. I was about to say, I suppose Alfie owns a pub in Harrogate in the before time. Of course, yeah. I was about to say, I suppose Alfie owns a pub. So one of them is this is as old as the Hillsfield. Give me coffee and no one gets home. Great. Lovely. Yep, your starting point.

That is your foundation. Your entry level tat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gateway tat. Gateway tat uh this one is a little better in terms of novelty it says in big letters alcohol is the answer small letters so it goes alcohol is the answer dot dot dot and what do you think the next bit is but what was the question oh yeah pretty much it says sorry i can't remember the question It's a classic format You can't go wrong

Can't go wrong with that one They call him the Tat whisperer The thing about that pro-alcohol tat in a pub Is like They're in a pub They want alcohol You're preaching to the choir at this point, aren't you?

You're trying to sell... These people, they got the memo. They're into alcohol. They're here. They're here. And they've been here long enough to bother reading the walls. They're clearly drinking on their own. Let's

see now. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Andrew. Andrew has got in touch. Andrew, give us your spam, Drew. Oh, he will. It is an extraordinary piece of tat, as he says,

in the toilet of a local pub. If I may say so, Phil, it is an extraordinary piece of tat as he says in the toilet of a local pub and it's an if I may say so Phil it's an astonishing piece of man tat oh great I love a man tat like dad tat I guess no there's dad tat and there's a man tat no this is in fact you know what

I would go so far as to say this is bloke tat okay very interesting subcategory yeah this is bloke tat okay very interesting subcategory yeah this is this is pretty aggressive bloke tat it's pretty it's you know and you know what it's regressive it's not even socially progressive that's how blokey tatty it is great okay wow i'm nervous this is probably the least progressive tat since all the mexican stuff about don't look at my big dick i have a hat on or something whatever the fuck it was so it's in the toilet

and it's a big old sign that's like visibly drilled into the wall and it's called the lad's prayer oh no brilliant here we go here we go the lad's prayer Oh, brilliant. Here we go. Here we go.

The lad's prayer. Is it written in like sort of biblical cursive or something? Do you know what? I wish it was. In fact, it's sort of, the poster is an enormous like 3D lump of like wood or something, but it's like, and it's like painted to look like an old scroll kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. But the font is just Arial. And it seemed like red. Right. Random words are capitalized. So it's like if Jesus had a typewriter, essentially. Yeah, and random words are capitalized like they're writing in Middle Ages English. And I'm going to go through this line by line, Phil,

because I'm sure you remember the Lord's Prayer from childhood, as do I. And you know how when someone does a parody and it just doesn't line up at all? Yeah, and you go, well, you've just made a new thing. Exactly. So the Lord's Prayer versus the lad's prayer that's pretty good and it's nothing nothing is up to that point nothing is as good as that in the rest of the parody right okay yeah it's like if i said like uh star wars more like boring wars

well that's not really doesn't like a scan you, scan, you know? A New Hope is pretty boring, to be fair. Yeah, it's true. There's stuff about trade talks, for God's sake. No, I think that's Phantom Menace. Oh, God, yeah. A New Hope is episode fucking four, whatever, and it's just, like, a little boy in the desert. Oh, I found it so... I couldn't believe it when I first saw it.

I thought it was so boring. Oh, yes. God, yes. desert oh i found it so i couldn't believe it when i first saw it i thought it was so boring oh yes god yes what a lot of nonsense um okay so the lad's prayer right so what do you think it is now in the lord's prayer the first line is our our father right what do you think the this one is here our lager oh you'll never guess what it actually is, Phil. Our baking tray? I don't know. So our father versus... Like our lager, that's really good, right? Of our father.

Thank you. Do you know what this is? Yeah. Our beer. Yeah. Our beer. They had our lager staring them in the face. And they went for our beer.

Okay, so our beer, who art in a pint glass. Oh, close. Who art in a bottle. Yeah, who art in bottles. Okay, yep. So, okay, I'm back on track. Yeah, bottles rhymes with heaven. It's important.

Our beer. Well, I guess they've got a difficult question to answer here, haven't they? Do they go with rhymes or do they go with contextual parallels? Yes, yes. Do they go with rhymes or do they go with contextual parallels? Yes, yes. Do they go for equivalents? And are they going to get up into a tied up in a tricky theological debate as to whether or not ale is the Holy Ghost?

I mean, because they already have wine as the blood of Christ, so where does beer come into it? Is that sweat? It's Christ's gob. Yeah, because it's frothy, right? Yeah, it's all frothy. If he did a big spit, it would be beer.

Okay, so our beer, who art in bottles. Our beer, which art in bottles. Hallowed be thy. Hallowed be thy Okay Hallowed Hallowed be thy Head

Ooh see that would be good But they don't actually stick with the theme They just immediately add in a new theme Okay so Hallowed be thy football Oh you're so close Halled be thy football. Oh, you're so close. Hallowed be thy sport.

Oh my god, I was having a laugh. They call him the tap whisperer. Hallowed be thy sport. The sport of beer. Okay, so the next line is thy kingdom come What I'm enjoying about this Is that You are like the tat equivalent Of me having to go visit Hannibal Lecter

For advice Right yeah yeah yeah I'm already stood there You're in a maximum security prison behind a big Glass Plastic wall thing. And when you come around the corner, I'm just stood staring at you with its gin o'clock apron. It's gin o'clock, Clarice.

jenna clark clarice okay so our beer i i had i had his liver with a lovely chianti in this house the lambs scream. Okay, so thy kingdom come would be thy... They seem to have skipped that. Okay, so thy kingdom come, is it thy will be done? Yeah, that's the next one, yeah. So, our beer, which art in bottles, hallowed be thy sport. Thy spill be done?

No, thy... Oh, what else is Lanny? I'll give you a clue. It's Thy Will Be. Okay. Thy Will Be banter. Ooh, it's... They're actually returning to the original theme now.

They're all over the place. Thy will be booze. Thy will be drunk. Drunk, I was going to say drunk. Thy will be drunk. Now it is like a rhyme for some reason. Okay, thy will be drunk. In the? I was gonna say drunk. They will be drunk. Now it is like a rhyme for some reason. Okay, they will be drunk. In the pub as it is at home.

Oh, mate, you've nailed the next line but one. I've nailed the next line but one. You've done it. So basically it says, our beer, which art in bottles, hallowed be thy sport. Thy will be drunk.

Thy will be drunk. I will be drunk. At home as it is in the pub. You smashed it. Yes, I am the Tat Whisperer. Oh, man. It's amazing. It's a hell of a... It's an incredible skill.

It's like being able to tell who's farted in a whole stadium or something. Yeah, I'm like Rain Man. I can see a needle in a haystack or whatever. I don't remember Rain Man. If someone drops loads of watches, you can tell which one shows why in a clock. Oh, man, I think that might be the Holy Grail of tat. That's like the Rosetta

Stone of tat. Well, this thing... Archaeologists have used that piece of tat to translate all the other tat. It keeps going. Wow, okay. It keeps going. Wow, okay. It keeps going and that's when it gets problematic.

Okay, so give us today our daily beer again. Yeah, beverage. Beverage. Give us today our daily beverage. Give us each day our daily beverage. And forgive us our... Okay, does it start getting problematic here? No, not yet. it's still quite practical advice

and forgive us our hangovers spillage okay forgive us our spillage as we forgive those who spill on us yeah spill us against us if we forgive those who spill against us. Okay, great. If you go to spill us against us,

do not lead us into... And this is really problematic. Do not lead us into being gay. That's all that's coming to mind. That's basically it. Really, do not lead us into making out with guys. Which we all want to do all the time. What is it?

And lead us not And this is You're going to hate this Phil This is when you're going to get annoyed at whoever wrote this Even beyond the problematic Nature of it And lead us not into puffy wine tasting Whoa

Amazing Puffy Incredible This sign dates from that kind of era Whoa! Amazing! Whoa! Puffy! Incredible. This sign dates from that kind of era, I hope. I hope it's not modern. Vintage tat. It's vintage lad culture. Yeah.

If you remember, no one talks about the problems of lad culture anymore, but when we were at university, it was all anyone could talk about. Oh, absolutely. Puffy wine tasting. That's like from the era of calling salad rabbit food, right? That's the same sort of... Yes. Or proper milk.

You know. Wow, okay. Yeah. People who have incredibly strong opinions about wives lead us not into puffy wine tasting yeah and is there another and deliver us and deliver us from yeah and this is where to be honest I think it gets a bit hypocritical Okay And deliver us From bigotry No

It's still booze themed They've stuck with booze after the bigotry And deliver us from hangovers And deliver us from tequila Okay Okay Because tequila It sort of straddles manly

And girly, doesn't it, tequila Because it's shots But it's got a bit of fruit with it Yeah, I think they're also Doing that thing of like Deliver us from tequila, not like last time Right, Steve? Remember last time?

Yeah, me neither I love this I love it, I love it so much is that the end? no no no, it's the full prayer you really can go on forever when you have no standards, can't you? and deliver us from tequila

for mine is the okay, for mine is the lquila for mine is the okay for mine is the lager surely here for mine is the ale bitter for mine is the bitter that is all for mine is the bitter and now instead of power and the glory

they've gone for two things that all main love football and women yeah that's literally it is it actually I've gone for two things that all men love. Football and women. Yeah, that's literally it. Is it actually? Yes! God, I'm so good at this game. I hate that I'm so good at this game.

In the film, this is where I start to go, oh, yes, how did you know? I? Like my hands shake and I drop my point. So it literally goes... Read it, can you read it? For mine is the bitter, the chicks and the footy. Oh, yes. The chicks. Interesting.

It's not even British chicks. Yeah, it's very Americanised suddenly after... What a handbrake turn after using the word bitter. Yeah, and sandwiching the word chicks with bitter and footy. Yes. For international listeners, bitter is a kind of... It's a kind of ale, I suppose. Yeah, which...

It's a very traditional drink, pint of bitter. Yeah, which I thought when I first started drinking would be disgusting, and I came to absolutely adore. I've now come down the other side. Oh, yes. I say bitter is probably the spiritual opposite of an American lager. Yes, yeah.

It's equivalent of a dry wine. It's like, to the unt untrained eye there's nothing to enjoy here but you do get used to it for mine is the better the chicks on the footy forever and ever okay forever and ever oi oi

is it no no now it's back to rhyming again that's your only clue okay so amen us men be men it's actually a perfect rhyme to be fair to them okay bar men

you got it yes suck it forever and ever bar I got it. Bar men. So, is the idea that this is written by bar men? Or is this

all addressed to bar men? Oh, theologically, it's all over the place, to be honest. Yeah, there have been libraries written on this question. Yeah, there have been libraries written on this question. Hang on, I'm going to bring up The Lord's Prayer and I want you to give me a topic.

Okay, this is a fun game. I want to see if I can do an equally good parody prayer. Okay, okay, okay. So we've had Lad Tat. Whimsy. Whimsy. Okay, just general whimsy?

Yeah, sort of post-boche whimsy. Is that specific enough? Or like current cutesy cute whimsy? Or do you need something more specific? What about like when it's always about like intrafamilial relations? Intrafamilial relations.rafamilial relations like family tat

I could do family quite easily yes yes yes yes okay let's go with that uh okay um so I'm thinking of that kind of tat where it's like um you know it's like a poster where it's like my daughter is a princess so I'm the queen.

You know? Yeah, okay. All right. Let's see. And if you can throw in some wife-husband stuff, that would be great. Ooh, yes. Okay, so our mama...

Yep. ...who art in kitchen... Yeah, yeah. Let's start a problematic and work our way up. Our mama who art in kitchen. Yeah, yeah. Let's start a problematic and work our way up. Our mama who art in kitchen hallowed be thy recipes. Great.

Great. Great. Thy husband comes home and thy will be done. Yes. Very good. Very good. and thy will be done yes very good very good in house as it is at the shops

excellent guys you have a knack for this too a knick knack knack it's like discovering that I can convince people to kill oh my god we thought we would do correspondence but we just got through some excellent tab thank you for that uh andrew yeah who ends his email by saying he says he ends his

email by saying don't stop wanking Yes, a twist on a classic. Which is the same message, but it's a lot more sinister. It really is. It's like if you put it into a translation app and translate it back to English. Yes, yeah. That's what the anime subtitles say of the Bud Pod anime. I mean, thanks so much for that that email we could have done a whole episode with that

really yeah problematic tactic yeah yeah just improving problematic tact a lot of fun my word that's pretty much all we've got time for thanks for listening sorry we didn't get to read out more letters

Yeah, shall we do a correspondence special next week? Let's do a correspondence special, yeah That'd be fun Let's do it We'll get through the old postbag at pace And why not? And why wouldn't you? And wine not, Pierre

Wine not Truly he is a master His skill is unsurpassed He's always thinking He never rests And wine not. Yeah. Wine not. Truly, he is a master. His skill is unparalleled. He's always thinking. He never rests. I'm like Salieri in your Mozart. But with wine o'clock merchandise.

Yeah, just flipping through it. It's perfect. I've referenced that scene so many times that I've never watched that movie at the end of term in music class when music was compulsory our teacher made us watch it and I didn't pay attention but I remember that bit

alright thanks guys share it around listeners, tell your friends Cody now as ever and we'll see you next week see you next week, bye