BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 63 - Correspondents' Zoom Dinner!

Episode Date: May 20, 2020

Yet more correspondence from our correspondents! We discuss the Great NYE Poo Mystery of 2007, some great tat and sleeping positions rules. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 63, the 63rd of the Bud Pods. Phil, does 63 mean anything to you? It's neatly divided by 3 into 21, which I quite like. Ooh, that's true! Aside from that, I think it's a very feminine number. 6 and 3 are both girl numbers. Yes. But aside from that, no.

Fair enough. Will you still watch me pee when you're 63? That's the sort of heartwarming song I enjoy listening to. How's your lockdown, Phil? Are you enjoying summer in prison? No, I hate summer enough when we're let outside. I hate it even more. They have to just slowly sous vide in your bed.

I really hate British summer. I have always hated it. I have always hated it. I will always hate it. The country's not built for it. Yeah, there's a lot of thick, thick walls. Yep, thick walls, no air conditioning. When the weather forecast says, I'm afraid it's going to be another cloudy,

cold day tomorrow, I'm like, yes! Because also if you like summer, you'll be thinking that way as well now, because you don't want to be missing good days. So whenever the weather forecast the rubbish day next day, it's like great, I wouldn't have gone out anyway. Right?

Yeah. I also find that the sort of very british thing of having every single room in any particular building carpeted makes it a lot warmer and also like i mean i don't know what things were like in malaysia but in south africa it was kind of like well you'd have carpets in like the bedrooms and maybe the bedroom corridor kind of thing. But the rest of the house, it would just be like tiles or something. Yeah, my house in Malaysia was just cold, hard marble tiles, the entire building, which meant that it's cool, you're you're you know your feet always cooled by the cold marble but also meant that if you ever ever fell over you were fucking done mate

you were finished your skull would crack open and release all the your delicious pink goo because that shit was hard as a diamond that floor i remember absolutely decking myself on on brown like brown tiling in a sort of yeah in a sort of child like like the at the kind of speeds you can only move as a toddler with you like the you know that noise like your feet slapping on the tiles? Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. And you just go down. And if you hit your elbow on that stuff, it would be like hitting your elbow on ice while you're ice skating.

You would just crack. Oh, man, it's awful. It's terrible, but keeps you cool. That's the trade-off. That's the trade-off, that's right. Whereas, yeah, the UK with its buildings that are like a meter thick walls and luxurious carpets it's every room in this country is like a padded cell it's like everyone should be in a straight jacket with big heavy curtains and things yeah yeah every every room is designed to deal with a Charles Dickens-style December winter.

A kind of very snowy... Hello? Yeah, they're just very snowy. What are you saying? No, I think we just fell out of step with each other. All right. The perils of remote broadcasting um yeah I'm gonna try and every year I forget the correct sequence of windows open windows closed to make my flat as cold as possible um and it's coming up to the time where it's time to get rid of the duvet and just sleep under the duvet cover

right, yeah yeah, I might have to do that it's too hot under the duvet but if you sleep without any sheets on you I'd only have slept a single night of my life without some sheet on me because if you don't have a sheet on you you feel like you're fucking a single night of my life without some sheet on me. Because if you don't have a sheet on you, you feel like you're fucking camping or something. There's something wrong about it.

Just being exposed to the ghosts. It doesn't feel safe. That's exactly it. It's like you're inviting you're saying well, come on then, ghost. Jump inside my mouth and take over my body. This is obviously what I want.

Yeah, sleeping without a sheet on just feels like you're saying... Yeah, it feels like you're saying, I want a demon in my anus now. And I'm going to... Not tomorrow, not sometime next week. Now! The best time to have a demon shoot up my ass was yesterday. Not tomorrow, not sometime next week. Now. The best time to have a demon shoot up my ass was yesterday. That's how soon I want this.

I want two little goat horns poking at my gallbladder from the inside. Stat. Why is that? stat why is that it's also like um it's for me it's something especially about having like my back or shoulders covered like i need to feel like i'm i'm in there oh you need your shoulders covered that's pretty high so you have you have your you have your blanket like tucked up to your neck like you're a sick victorian boy yeah i never um if if i if i sleep with if I sleep with nothing in between my shoulder blades like covering that area like my upper back

yeah then I will have like terrible night terrors well how much do you sleep on your front that you think about covering your shoulder blades I don't sleep on my back. I can't breathe like that. So you sleep on your front? Well, I sleep on my side.

Right. So how can you cover the back of your shoulder blades if you're on your side? With a blanket. Oh, I see. I like on the side there, like falling down. Yeah. Okay. I thought you wanted these I thought you wanted these nutters that sleep on their front like they've been murdered

people who sleep on their front just that is another kind of like bedtime risk that I don't understand it just feels like you're saying I would love to how do they

cope with their neck at that angle the neck, the pressure on their chest I would love to... How do they cope with their neck at that angle? The neck, the pressure on their chest. I just don't understand it. For me, the most comfortable position is to lie down like I've just been killed by the cartel, execution style. Knees brought up to the chest, on your side. Hands clasped in prayer yeah I don't get it at all I have to be on my side

usually my left side until it wears out and then I roll over to my right side I think I've slipped on my back once in my life maybe do you ever get this thing where if I do sleep on my back, like maybe it's like a... And let's be clear about this thing where we're talking about blankets and things.

Daytime naps, the rules don't apply anymore. That's daytime. As in your position? Well, so like, I just mean generally the rules don't apply in daytime. So like the rule about having to have a sheet, I don't need that in a daytime nap scenario because I don't feel the need for security in the same way interesting yes also for the same

day there are no ghosts yeah there are no ghosts in the day and uh in the same for the same reason like if i do a daytime nap i've had some very excellent daytime naps while I'm still wearing jeans, for God's sake. Ugh! Yeah. That made the hairs on my neck go up. Ugh. Why don't you just put on a tie while you're at it? I've been naffing in my wedding dress. But you can't sleep during the whole night

in a pair of jeans. You're not a cowboy on the run. And even they sleep in their long johns. Yeah, even they have it with a big bum flap. Yeah, exactly. Like an old prospector, yeah. Yeah. There's gold in them thar hills, but there's no reason to sleep like a maniac. That's the rest of that phrase.

Do you find, Phil, if you have ever slept on your back that it's like your organs get like pressed down too much yes yeah my stomach like in your stomach my guts feel all weird because they've just been like lying down and they're not supposed to really do that yeah they just squish into but and But on your side is also like... It's the resting position in yoga at the end. It's to rest your heart to lie on your left side. So I guess that means that... Does it confront the heart with the least amount of pressure to overcome,

to get blood through your body? Is that why it's more relaxing? Yeah, maybe. I would have thought that if you went on your right-hand side, then your heart would be like you're lying down, but your heart's still quite high up, so it doesn't have to pump against gravity. Maybe that would be better?

Yeah. But the heart is only ever so slightly to the left isn't it it's not like that far on the left yeah it's not like jutting into your armpits or anything armpit hearts um but then you know yeah i used to think i used to think my my heart was like right on the left just above my left nipple like that high up don't you think it's strange that i always find it really strange that as as organisms we have basically we have no idea what's inside of us like we had to cut open other people to go oh that's what's inside of me it's just strange or anything to to exist and be alive and conscious and walking around and you don't know what's inside you it's yeah i mean it's it's like it's like it's like you're a you're a you're a mac like you can't

you kind of work but there's no way of finding out what's inside you have no there could be a hamster wheel in there for you know what's also crazy is that like not only did we have to cut ourselves open to figure out what the fuck was going on in there it took like hundreds of years of cutting people up like they were cutting people up like 700 years ago and they were like well uh obviously all of our thoughts come from our hearts but there's also this gloop in your head that um if you mess with it it seems like you can't do maths anymore they genuinely like we're just sort of vaguely aware that your head was really crucial but they were like obviously your soul and your thoughts come from your heart.

And like, you know how, you know how, when we think we, we, we, we hear our own thoughts inside our head. Oh,

I hear them all the time. Well, that's it. Some of them aren't even my thoughts, but, but then in the days when they thought their thoughts come from their heart, did they think that they heard their thoughts in their chest? Hmm.

That is a good question. Did they have this like abstract conception and like to what extent is the fact that we think we hear our thoughts in our head just the fact that we've been told that that's where the thoughts are happening? It's a very good point in in malay the word sort of for heart in the um for heart in the metaphorical sense in that in that like you've broken my heart that heart actually translates to liver really so yeah it's liver in malay so i don't know if that meant that people use it think their thoughts came from their liver well like when their feelings when someone or when someone broke up with them they just clutched their side like oh they're just that's so interesting like yeah maybe that's where

that they thought that the feelings and love was kept in the liver it makes for some really ugly valentine's cards i and then big red like little brown purple liver you yeah and it just looks like a sort of it just looks like a the outline of a U.S. state, just a kind of blob shape. Yeah. Kind of vaguely rectangular. Like a landlocked U.S. state. Exactly. That's so interesting. I wonder, my dad had like a great aunt, like a very sort of British great aunt, who might actually be where I got the name Marjorie from.

I'm not sure. I have to check with him. But she would have she would have like you know in the old days how medicine didn't have to make sense or even do anything sure excuse me she had a little

thing of liver pills and it was a little like tin pill box of these pills and it was literally you would take them when you were feeling liverish right which meant just sort of nauseated or sick i think just sort of vaguely off yeah just like oh i feel a bit off i'll take a liver pill and there were pills made out of old liver or they just fixed your liver there it was it was just for feeling liverish yeah it wasn't even

that specific i'm sure they were just made out of artificial sweetener and cocaine. I mean, God knows. Oh, those are the days when you just have a bit of cocaine when you're feeling down. I think it's incredible that no culture has just gone, oh, you've broken my dick. Or like my...

When they're talking about romance. Yeah. You've got a special place in my vagina like that's the most obvious part of your body to place those emotions isn't it because that's where you're feeling something tangible when you're attracted to someone how is that not part of the lexicon you know

maybe that's because someone was like wait a minute I felt that in my dick but I don't normally like that person to hang out with. Yeah. And they were like, it's different places. The dick feeling is the one that doesn't need emotions necessarily. Interesting, interesting. So they went, oh, but when Mildred called me an asshole, I felt sad in my liver.

So I'll remember that. But emotions, I've always thought emotions are a pretty recent invention or discovery. Have you want to look at them? Like the idea of romantic love, it only applies to some cultures in the world. There's some cultures where it's still a sort of ludicrous idea. the world there's some cultures where it's still sort of ludicrous idea so i think it's very victorian to ignore the the throbbing in your genitals when you're attracted to someone well think about your heart don't you think well it goes through phases i mean i i did a whole module in in second year of university on the romantic poetry in like the 12th century which is like the

same time as the crusades. They were obsessed with it. Really? Oh yeah, that was the whole era of like she doth lay a single white hanky upon the knight's armour and all that shit. It is so, it's such a weird obsession for a society where people were dying at

24 or whatever. You'd think there were more pressing matters to think about. No, that's perfect, though. That's perfect emo territory, right? Yeah, I guess. I guess everything is more important when you've only got three years left. Exactly, yeah.

You're the love of my life. I'm going to love you for six years because I'm 30. Yeah, that's true although to be fair i and um someone made this malcolm gladwell made this mistake the other day of of like medieval life expectancy was like 43 but that that is to do with child mortality as opposed to how old you'll actually get as in the many child mortalities brought the average down. Yes, so that was the average. Once you survive childhood,

you were in with a pretty decent chance of still making it between 60, 70, maybe even older if you're rich and had a good diet. Oh wow, that's pretty good. There's plenty of kings and bishops and stuff who lived to their 70s. We have the records for that. and the other thing as well is that I only found this out through discussions of the coronavirus life expectancy thing if the average life expectancy is is you know 73 or whatever that's not the same thing as when you hit 73 so um for example if you're a if you're

a a lady in in england yeah if you are 83 i think then the if you manage to hit 83 and you aren't you know specifically sick with something like say cancer or whatever else you're just 83 the average life expectancy of someone who's already 83 is like another fucking eight years or something right so the life expectancy shifts upwards the more successful you are at aging of course of course of course which a lot of people like like including myself you misunderstand because it's like well you know the average life expectancy is 73 and now that you're 73 god it could be any fucking day now yeah it's not that odds are you're going to die now yeah it's not like whatever that movie is where a jewel starts flashing in your

palm and they come and murder you and murder you. Oh, Logan's Run. Oh, Looper? Oh. Oh, I was thinking of Looper. Logan's Run is something where you get murdered when you turn 30 or something. Okay.

I've only seen Looper. It's the only movie I've seen. It sounds a bit like that. Have you seen Looper? That's funny. I think we're talking about Looper. I think we're talking about the way I say looper yeah yeah looper was it looper it's quite it's the most welsh i ever sounded when i'm talking about the film looper this is my theory about us getting our accents back in isolation

uh yeah absolutely I just like I like the idea that anyone yeah anytime anyone says a movie you're just like oh Looper Bruce Willis Bruce Willis in Looper a film

A film about time travel Alright Shall we do some emails Yes Correspondence dinner Correspondence Oh some correspondence From various people

Correspondence We're catching up Catching up Lottie Gets in touch Lottie Thanks a lotty Thanks a lotty thanks a lotty

P squared she says I recently went to India to visit my sister who is working there imagine my excitement whilst packing my suitcase surely India would be the gateway to my very own bum bum story yeah she says own bum bum story yeah

and she says old deli belly novelli yes well exactly that's why I can't ever go to deli yeah it rhymes too well it's gonna happen so Lottie says whilst there I challenged my weak little

White body Whilst there I challenged my weak Little white body with Three chili icon meals Street food Questionable Drinking water And I must admit at being lax

with the now highly sought after hand sanitizer. Do you reckon in India they have chilies on their menus or do you think they wouldn't bother? Maybe they're just like, you know what, maybe they have little tiny white people emojis for when there's no chilies. Right. Yeah, so a glass

of milk has like three white people icons next to it and a doll has two or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People in India are like, oh, are you sure you... The chef has to come out and go, are you sure you want to order that? It's very bland.

It's very not spicy. So she says... So Rosie's not been hand sanitizing as much as she should and sucking on her fingers. That's right. She says, all with the hope of enriching my own brown monologue. Wow. hope of enriching my own brown monologue wow so there's a podcast that started to encourage risk risky health behavior phil it is we have to say we do not recommend you try this at home we would only come to us with stories that have that have happened to you don't go out looking for them

it's not safe yeah don't don't give yourself dysentery for in the hopes of a good email don't down a raw chicken mini breast fillet for our sakes just let it happen let it come to you yeah exactly the universe will find you with explosive diarrhea when you're ready uh so lottie says well i was fine i went no she's got an iron stomach yeah she said i went home disappointed it just wasn't my time i must be patient which is our message like we just said it is yeah yeah keep jacking it all noise yeah just no detail there about seeing her sister I like to think that she never got around to it no that was the whole point

was she was one of this new breed of diarrhea tourists that you get now yeah you thought the sex tourists were bad well hold on to your hats have you heard of the new phenomenon of brown tourism? It's huge, brown tourism.

For as little as two dollars, a western person can fly to this airport and be taken by a local guide to an establishment where they will get diarrhea. Yeah, I'd like to see a big celebrity video speaking out

against this kind of thing. Have you been watching the Netflix documentary series The Last Dance, Pierre? I have not. Is this the basketball, lads? Yeah, it's about the Golden Age Chicago Bullss it's mainly about

michael jordan and there's an extraordinary story in which he the night before a big game he's hungry and he orders a pizza yeah and um he eats the whole thing and then he wakes up at 2am just with just so sick I mean they never say it but I'm sure he's shitting his guts out and vomiting and he still plays the game the next day and he's still playing like god but then every time

they call time out he just sits down on the on the subs bench and he just sweats he just looks at the ground and he just drinks luke's aid and he's like and then gets back up and just like dunks on everyone and then has to sit back down again and as someone who's had food poisoning recently and could barely get off the sofa it's unbelievable that he could still play basketball at the top level

having had to eat an entire bad pizza imagine being the best in the world at something even when you have shit pouring down your legs yeah i mean that skill yeah that skill if you if you're so skilled at something like there's so much skill in your brain and training and like muscle memory that you can't even shit it away. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever gone on stage with food poisoning or a fever?

I'm sure I've been. I've gone on with bad hangovers, certainly. Yeah. But never like a stomach bug or something like that. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. I think it's just too brain heavy too brain heavy something like stand-up to withstand having a foggy poo brain

i mean there was a time you and i were performing in our university days at the amber fringe and what it wasn't me it was you who was so hung over that I was pouring sweat pouring sweat, just completely sheet white and it was a hot room as well as every room in the Edinburgh Fringe is and yeah, I just remember looking at you and there was just no life

in your eyes and you just and before you had to begin all of your lines with a deep exhale just what do you mean reverend it must have added 20 minutes to the show overall

oh my god yeah and just every character was a recovering alcoholic. I think the time when you were hungover on stage was with Daphne, wasn't it? Yeah, maybe. Wasn't there a Daphne where it was like the day after the day off or something like that? I think I saw you afterwards, after that show. Oh, really?

Oh, God. I don't quite remember it. Yeah, I can imagine really letting some people down one day. It must be that. Oh, man. We got quite a meaty email here from Ryan Ryan what you spying on which is fine on Ryan so it's it's a

it's a bit of a Guardian long read but okay he says greetings pod boys which is pretty good. Greetings. Yeah, pod boys is nice. Yeah. For years now, my friends and I have been trying to put together the pieces of a phenomenal whodunit mystery. By murdering someone. By murdering someone with one of five objects in one of five rooms.

So he says, for years now, my friends and I have been trying to put together the pieces of a phenomenal whodunit mystery. However, instead of a murder, this mystery surrounds an almost industrial amount of fecal matter. Okay, now I'm listening. Yes. It was New Year's Day 2007 Oh, I remember that There were six of us, all aged around 17 As was I Yeah

We'd all stayed at a friend's house following a New Year's party At which there had been so many guests That narrowing down the individual responsible would require far too much investigative work. Why is it so funny calling them a guest? A guest is too sophisticated a word for

someone at a party, isn't it? For someone at a party who's 17. Excuse me, I am a guest. I am a guest at this party. Especially if everyone's 17. Yeah. Could all the guests please Leave at the earliest convenience I'm a

I'm a guest You get told off because you're fingering Someone in the cupboard Excuse me I am your guest At this party Mother I have to pour vodka Into this fruit punch bowl my guests will be here soon

I've got guests coming Why is it so funny that you have a 17 year old with guests Like your very uptight dad Is this one of your guests that would be quite a good line if it was like uh one of those sitcoms where they all like when american sitcoms went through that phase of having a really uptight butler as in every show yeah yeah yeah yeah

like Fresh Prince of Bel-Air but also there's like a bunch of them where they have a butler figure and just yeah just

witheringly asking if this is one of your guests so they're at a friend's house the morning after the shindig We were awoken by an almighty stench Filtering into the bedroom from the hallway That combined with the lingering effects

Of the booze and jazz tobacco We had enjoyed the previous evening Which the guests had enjoyed Yes, the guests had been enjoying Booze and jazz tobacco Which combined with these other lingering effects had been enjoying booze and jazz tobacco. Which combined with these other lingering effects to make us all retch collectively in a hideous regurgitating chorus.

Like the frogs from the Budweiser advert. Just a room full of 17-year-old guests all vomit burping at each other So they're all in this room retching collectively And he says I was the first to make a break for it Across the landing and into the bathroom as fast as I could Not paying much attention to my surroundings

Where I stumbled upon The epicenter of the stench This is in the hallway into my surroundings, where I stumbled upon the epicentre of the stench. Hmm. This is in the hallway. He stumbled across the landing and into the bathroom. Ugh. What is the landing?

The landing is that weird little... I've never quite understood this. It's that weird little mezzanine bit... It's a bit near the steps. ...on top of the stairs, yeah. Okay, gotcha, gotcha. Because you don't land there, you ascend to it. It makes more sense if the landing was on the ground floor, because it's where you land. Yes.

The one upstairs, yeah, you would call it the ascending. The rising? The ascending, yeah. That sounds very grand, the ascending. Meet me on the ascending. Yeah, I like that. I found one of your guests on the ascending. They appear to have been stricken by some sort of malady. So he says,

I was the first to make a break for it, cross the landing and into the bathroom as fast as I could, not paying much attention to my surroundings, where I stumbled upon the epicenter of the stench. The toilet was quite literally full to the brim with liquid brown vulgarity. Oh, no, it was one of

the guests, I'm sure. Liquid brown vulgarity. A new liquid brown guest in the house. Sir, I'm afraid one of your guests has left the toilet filled with vulgarity. One of your guests appears to have left some vulgarity on the landing. Ooh, hang on, I've lost the email now oh come on Pierre don't be like this please oh dear

no what oh dear it appears your email has taken its leave I fucking hate Gmail with all my heart Oh here we go So liquid brown vulgarity So he's charged into the loo

It's filled to the brim with liquid brown vulgarity He says The odor was so foul That my gag reflex could Contain itself no longer And I unleashed a stream of green vomit Into the bowl Which made everything so much worse Of course it did

Horrible Horrible What are the guests going to think of this? My puke had disturbed The stagnant party waste in the toilet Unleashing further scents That had previously laid dormant beneath the vile surface Wow

Do that bit again, I didn't catch all of it So, he says The odour was so foul that my gag reflex Could contain itself no longer And I unleashed a stream of green vomit into the bowl, which made everything so much worse. My puke had disturbed the stagnant party waste in the toilet, unleashing further scents

that had previously laid dormant beneath the vials. No! What are the guests going to think of this? That's what you must have been thinking. What will the guests think of this? Ha ha ha! this? That's what he must have been thinking. What will the guests think of this? This induced more vomiting. But not wanting to make the same mistake again,

I pivoted on the spot and decided to aim my stream of sick into the bath. Which is where I realised that this was no ordinary mess. No. So he's pivoted on the spot to go from throwing up in the loo to throwing up in the bathroom, in the bath.

Great. Very graceful. Which is when he realized that this was no ordinary mess because there was, Phil, he says, there was a healthy smattering of arse water festering in the tub. What a thing to find what a thing to find when all you want to do is just deal with your awful hangover

you just want to spend a day eating fried chicken and just sitting around and now you've got to deal with this horrible exactly so he says a healthy smattering of arse water festering in the tub around and now I've got to deal with this. Horrible. Exactly. So he says, a healthy smattering of ass water festering in the tub while the sink had not been neglected either. What?

Wow. The sink. Goodness me. He continues. This guest had been very thorough. That's what Sherlock Holmes would say if he was there. We're looking for a thorough man, Watson. He says, there was no vessel unsoiled

and nowhere I could expel the previous night's intoxicants without adding to the fragrance. Gosh. Gosh. What did he throw up out the window? Oh, God. So he's just splatter-tatting out the window. Yes.

Just onto the ground outside. Oh, no. splatter-tatting out the window. Yes. Just onto the ground outside. Yes, like a town crier if the news was vomit. Oh, no. I don't think town criers shouted out the windows, though, do they? I think they had to go outside. It's a very lazy town crier who's just like... Hello? A town crier in a very small town no need no need to leave the house

yeah um so he says uh two of my friends came in unable to hold their guts in any longer either and discovered me leaning out of the window in a room completely written off by a surfeit of hot liquid excrement priced they initially tried to lay the blame at my feet, but it soon became obvious that I had not been in there long enough to produce such a masterpiece of shitty mayhem. This is a team effort. Imagine the panic of being accused of that.

Just caught over the corpse, as it were. No, no, no, no, no, but also with, like, vomit dribbling down your chin. No, no, that's not No, no, no, no, no. But also with, like, vomit dribbling down your chin. No, no, that's not what... No, no, no, no, no, no. And so hungover. Yeah, ugh. Just your head hot.

And big. Your blood all thin. Oh, no. Then we discovered more evidence that pointed to another culprit. Handprints on the rim of the sink, the bath, the floor, and the door. Oh. Oh. Yeah.

Were we about to catch this person brown-handed? We decided to follow the handprints to see if the assailant was anywhere in the house. Wow. Wow. Like Hansel and Gretel. Yeah, Pansel and Shettle. Yes. We went back out into the hallway

where a solid brown stripe led along the wall and down the stairs. The wall? They must have just been leaning on the wall with a big poo hand. Like they'd been shot with a poo bullet. Like Mr. Burns in that Simpsons episode. Oh my days.

We went back into the hall, yeah, where a solid brown stripe led along the wall and down the stairs with another thick brown stripe coating the banister. Wow. This is like a fucking Columbo or something. Yeah. The trail led through the hall and to the front door where the literal party pooper had made their escape. We never found out who it was and quickly left our friend and his parents alone in the house to clean up the fetid mess. Oh, so he was one of the guests.

Yes, he was a guest the whole time. Oh. I bet it was him. What a great cover story. You shit all over the bathroom, then you get it all over your hands, and you mark yourself a little trail

out the door. Then you clean up outside, you come back in, and you make up a whole new story about going to throw up in the room and finding it that way. It's the perfect crime. And then, 13 years later, your friends pressure

you to send in the funny story to Budpod, not even knowing that you are describing your own actions. You are the guilty guest. Oh, this could be controversial. So he says, we never found out who it was

and quickly left our friend and his parents alone in the house to clean up the fetid mess for which two plumbers and a carpet fitter were required. Oh no. I bet he got grounded. I'm impressed that the parents

were in the house from the get-go. What cool parents for a new year. Well, I guess it was New Year's Eve. Oh, my parents are gonna kill me i bet he said that at one point they sold the house soon after wow yeah like it's haunted cursed yeah yeah they sold the house soon after with my friend's mother one day telling me I can't forget that stench wow oh my gosh it just doesn't feel clean in here no matter how much bleach we use

so they actually did sell the house because of it because of the poop it seems like it that shit that shit affected the housing market that's quite an achievement

to shit a house onto the market you know you can't just shit houses onto the market yes you can to shit a house onto the market is I think almost as impressive as shitting a house off the market. How would you do that?

Like, you'd shit up a house so badly that it's like, no one can ever live here again. Oh, right, it's just written off and abandoned. Yeah, it just becomes the kind of place where they'd film The Blair Witch. When you said shit at a house off the market, I presumed you meant like, God, this shit's so nice, I gotta buy this house. Oh, right, like to shit it into a sale. Yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hmm, I don't know about this house. It comes with shit in the loo. Sold! Well, you know, a house always sells better if it smells of bread. But what if it smells of bread? Bread. I can really imagine

shitting in this house myself. It smells like a home to me so the friend's mum says I can't forget that stench it just doesn't feel clean in here no matter how much bleach we use we have our suspicions about who it was says Ryan Wow a school friend who we

didn't hang out with so much suspiciously stopped drinking after the party and was nowhere to be seen on that fateful morning. Well, I mean, surely it's the one person who's not there anymore. Surely by a method of elimination you could know who it was. But he denies it to this day

and there were too many people at the party for us to definitively label him as the culprit. Ah, too many guests. Yeah, too many guests spoil the... well, the loo. Spoil the house, eventually. Yeah. Nevertheless, there is currently a family of four living in a house

in the northeast of England, completely unaware that their walls were once thoroughly caked in runny human shit. Thank you for providing the perfect place to share this tale tale I hope it was to your sordid tastes humbly jacking it, Ryan do you reckon that new family of four now sort of are woken up in the middle of the night by the sounds of distant

shedding just what the what happened here the telltale dump what are you do you think um yeah do you think it'll be one of those things where they they experience a haunting and they have to get in touch with the family that used to live there and they just have either disappeared or it's like one really old lady with a white streak in her hair says i don't remember i don't remember

oh good story ryan that's gross excellent story truly horrific i wonder um i wonder if they'll ever find out who it is. Do you think that that's the kind of thing someone ever admits? No. What for at this point? On your deathbed. Yeah, maybe on your deathbed. You go, I

shat your house onto the market and Sven's like no you are my best guest instead of saying rosebud he just says I shat in the sink. Oh my god. Speaking of deathbeds, I have an email here from Rosie.

Ah, Rosie, Rosie, don't be nosy. Very good, yes. Not so easy, is it, Pierre? I bet I make it sound real easy. Poo's on the other bum now. Okay, so... Rosie has sent in some funeral tat, which is, you know,

it's a small subcategory of tat, but definitely exists. It's not as big or as... Small but profound. Yes. It's not as mainstream as lad tat or dad tat, but it's out there. So Rosie says, Hello, PBs.

At a recent funeral, sad thoughts were temporarily lifted on the reading of this deeply meaningful, in no way trite or facile message, whose illuminating, almost metaphor, lay writ on the back of, actually very handy, tissues given to mourners. Actually, maybe a pretty sweet merch line for the Church of Dirty Little Boys and Girls to consider. Yeah. Yeah. We need more church stuff, really. Please never stop jacking it. Rosie. And so she sent in some tat that was handed out at a funeral she attended.

One is a card and it's got like a hand-drawn border around the words, Sometimes memories sneak out of your eyes and roll down your cheeks. Oh, no. your eyes and roll down your cheeks oh no that is an insane thing to think about when you're what also like no one is at a loss as to what's happening when they're crying what is this rolling down my cheeks are they wet memories but also does that mean you forget them memories. But also, does that mean you forget them? Yeah, that's you.

Yeah, the more you cry, the less you remember. You just wipe away, just wipe away the memories. You cry yourself into amnesia. Yeah, when you're being told something very sad, you're crying because you want to forget it, what you've heard, instantly. Or if you cry when you're really bored, so you don't have a boring

memory. Ah, this text is actually written on a box of tissues. I get it. So they're all handed boxes of tissues on which is written, sometimes memories sneak out of your eyes and roll down your cheeks and you pull tissues out of it to wipe up your memories.

I mean, that's extraordinary. That is a horrible phrase. Let me just wipe up these memories I've made. It's disgusting. Sometimes memories you've made just burst out the end of your dick

that's what i would say for a sort of wank bank thing oh gosh thanks for that a bit a quick bit of tat there uh rosie it's always nice to add something to the uh funeral file Would you want that at your funeral? Would you be annoyed if that was handed out at your funeral? I'd want my priest to be wearing a wacky apron, definitely. Kiss the priest? Kiss the priest, or like a finger pointing to my coffin and the words, I'm with dead that'll be funny i want my priest to be wearing uh an apron which makes it look like he's a sexy lady with big boobs

in a bikini and then i want the same apron on the coffin so when people look at the coffin they go oh no oh you tricked me kiss kiss the priest would be good and then with the small words underneath but keep it to yourself oh um uh bless this mess that would work bless this mess would work Bless This Mess that would work? Bless This Mess would work. We could do a whole line of wacky priest t-shirts like I'm squatting in God's house.

That's cute. That's cute. It's Judgment Day somewhere? I don't know. God's bitch? That'd be fun. Just like God's bitch. God's little...

God's little whore. I don't know why I've gone so hard. Yeah, because that's another line of tat. The sort of harsh tat. Or like... I think someone sent it to us on Twitter. There's some bedsheets. What were they?

You remember this. Bedsheets? Some bedsheets and they're like... It was like two skeletons making out. And they said, like, you and me against the world oh it was a it was a hot babe making out with a kind of a skeleton that was riding a motorcycle

yeah and it was like hot bitch wife and asshole husband dad versus the world and yeah like this tethysaurus tries to reclaim being an awful member of society yeah like the the more people take you aside and say you know you're a real fucking asshole the more you're like yeah that means i'm doing something right like those t-shirts that say, I woke up this morning.

What more do you want? No one asks you to do anything. Why don't you just try your best and stay out of the way? That should be on your t-shirt. That would be a good t-shirt. Why don't you just try your best and stay out of the way is a very funny thing to write on a t-shirt. Like an exhausted politician would have that on a t-shirt.

That's pretty good advice for the public. Try your best and stay out of the way. Yeah, there are a lot of people who are like, I may be a dumb bitch whore, but guess who just made nachos? Like the priority of the tat is always quite confusing. You go, is this about nachos? Like what's the target here?

What are you trying to tell me? Is this pro bitch or pro nachos yeah are you a bit a nacho you're a nacho bitch is this a new thing a new social movement yeah that's pretty much the whole damn thing really

yeah there's an incredible set of bed sheets. I just... If you... I just... I'm almost envious of the kind of couple that can both agree to buy that and enjoy it. Because they're definitely compatible, aren't they? Yes, yeah. because they're definitely compatible aren't they yes

yeah they've definitely found the one they've definitely found the one eventually he's just gonna like sleeping on that eventually he's gotta like get to you he's gotta depress you even if you don't realise it going laying

your head on such an aggressive mean-spirited unpleasant piece of upholstery eventually it's gotta take a toll on you yeah or or or like washing it and carefully folding it and swapping it out for presumably a second one that's in a different color yeah washing it's a funny image washing something horrible just uh we need to wash the um asshole husband bitch wife duvet cover um so i just thought i'd replace it with the yes i'm a cunt but guess who has a new microwave duvet that we bought on holiday. It just feels like the kind of duvet sheet cover that you would buy in Camden Market.

Yeah, exactly. It can't have a high thread count. No. There's more printer ink on it than cotton. You wouldn't be able to say like, well, you know, it's high quality Egyptian cotton, so we printer ink on it than cotton yeah you wouldn't be able to say like well you know it's high quality egyptian cotton so we printed this on it i've got another um email of tatia another potentially uh subcategory of tat oh yeah

this is from frank and he's sent in some half-arsed tat. Oh, sorry, Pierre, this is from Frank. Frank the Tank. Yep. Yep, he's got a big old cannon sticking out of his nose. And he sent in some half-arsed tat, which is interesting. He says,

Hi there, orators of poop. Which I like. I like orators of poop. Orators of poop would be like our death metal band, apart from metal. That's exactly what I was going to say. Please welcome to the stage, the orators of poop.

I said all that to her. Brown handprints on the wall. Which guest did this? Which guest did this? Okay So Frank says Spotted some incredible half-arsed tat For sale on a Facebook page Selling prints for the extortionate price

Of £4 £4 a print The complete lack of design slash creativity and shocking use of fonts kind of made me respect them for trying to sell this. Attached some pics. Koji Frank. And, I mean, I'm going to...

It might be hard, but I'm going to try to give you the tat quiz here, Pierre. Okay, yes, please. The first two are a little going to... They make some sense, so you might get them and they're basically plays on uh sort of cutesy viral phrases that people might share around for you know and and he's right it's like horrible cursive uh font like word art font and the first one has just a picture of a cleaver, like a big flat knife

and the words chop it like it's blank. Oh, chop it like it's hot, surely. Yes! Yeah. Just says chop it like it's hot. Like that very recent song. These guys are

keeping with the times. That's just the kind of Modernity you can expect from the Cats at facebook.com And this next one I think you should be able to get this one It's got a picture of a grater And in the same sort of cheap Word out cursive

Grater's gonna Oh grater's gonna grateive, greater's gonna... Oh, greater's gonna great, yeah. Greater's gonna great. Yeah. Greater's gonna great. You know what? I think if someone can guess what you're going to finish your sentence with,

it's not worth selling. I think if someone can guess the end of your sentence, it's not a joke anymore. It's just obvious. This third one is going to be a bit harder, but I think maybe if I preface it with this it might be easier to get It's one of these mixed font ones

The one of those where the first segment is in a sort of boring aerial sands font and then the second bit is in cursive out of nowhere it suddenly explodes into curls yes so the

aerial serious bit of this starts this kitchen is for and then in cursive ooh this kitchen is for you'll never get this because it makes no sense.

Cooking? No. It's something that could be in cursive. Like a sort of infantilized cursive. Ooh, okay. This kitchen is for princesses. You're along the right lines i mean that'd be hot that would be so like adorably sexist this kitchen is for princesses but also it's like you're my princess

now goes away like slave away in the kitchen which they would never do and yeah because what's in common with all princesses they are trapped they. They're trapped in a room. Your room is a kitchen. This kitchen is for... This kitchen is for dreams. It's an activity. Yeah, you're getting there. It's an activity that you wouldn't normally associate with kitchens. Oh, okay.

This kitchen is for laughing. You're getting there. I'll tell you. This kitchen is for laughing. You're getting there. I'll tell you, this kitchen is for dancing, which sounds horribly dangerous. That is so dangerous. Dancing? Dancing. You know where all the hottest and sharpest things in your house are?

Why don't you go and dance there? Why don't you go dance near there why don't you go dancing near all these boiling liquids that aren't covered hey you know how you know that room in the house where it's already annoying enough if you're just trying to get to a drawer and someone is standing in the way just have a little dance that is pathetic I hate that I hate that I hate that

I was thinking about you know like greater's gonna great one yeah it's grating on me that one what kind of person is it who can look at that

and every day of their life go I mean eventually you just have to block it out of your mind What kind of person is it who can look at that and every day of their life go, ha-ha. I mean, eventually you just have to block it out of your mind. That's the only thing I can imagine. Yeah, you wouldn't even see it anymore. Yeah, someone who knew who comes to your kitchen would go, oh, great is going to great. And you'd go, hmm, what?

Oh, right, that, yeah. God, I forgot that was there. And you would just come across as exhausted. You'd be like, what? Oh, yeah, that's a, yeah. Yeah, don't look at that. You know how, this is what I think about that kind of tat as well, is, you know, there's a sort of phenomenon I've noticed over my life of the thing you happen to look at when something horrible happens to you or when you get some terrible news

or when you're at a particularly low point or when you're being broken up with and your eye is looking for something to rest on, just settle on something, and something takes on a new meaning and a new significance because it happens to be before you're looking at when something horrible is happening in your life right yes imagine that being greater's gonna great imagine you're in your kitchen and you get you get a phone call and it's the phone call you've

been dreading and you're like oh, how is my life going to continue? Where do I go from here? My whole world has fallen, has had the bottom fallen out of it. And you look up and it just says, great has gone to great. And, like, you'd be staring at it, and I know exactly what you mean, and you always notice something a bit pathetic when you're staring at something. You go, oh, that picture's not quite straight or something.

You always... Yes, it's like that great scene in the first episode of Breaking Bad where Walter White is told he has cancer, and he says nothing. He just says to the doctor, you've got some ketchup on your tie and it's exactly that it's just like what you happen to focus on

when you get the worst news of your life great has gone to great this kitchen is for dancing you'd be staring at it and you'd be thinking something stupid like oh the This kitchen is for dancing. You'd be staring at it and you'd be thinking something stupid like, oh, the shadows on the holes of the grater aren't the same as the shadows on the outside of the kitchen. Yeah. Yeah, there's actually an uneven number of holes here.

uneven number of holes here. Like the holes on the left are like a bit too far from the edge of the greater, the further than the furthermost holes on the right of the greater. This is an asymmetric drawing. Yeah,

you go, oh, it's almost like a misprint. Yeah. As your world is destroyed this kitchen is for dancing who who in that moment staring at this kitchen is for dancing during a life-destroying moment would not just immediately throw it in the bin you go that's like it's taken a life-changing event for me to see it but that's fucking destroying moment would not just immediately throw it in the bin you'd go that's like it's taken a life

changing event for me to see it but that's fucking asinine and it's going in the bin oh god well well I think that's all the time we have time for this podcast is for ending um thanks so much uh for listening in we still um hardly scratched the surface i know this has become our slogan essentially but every time

it's like it's like the law of quantum physics the act of observation changes that which is being observed and it seems the act of reading emails just adds more emails. But we are trying our absolute best. Yes. The emails are like that thing where Achilles can never catch up with a tortoise because he's always...

the tortoise is always moving even at least an atom away. Yes. What is that called? It is the paradox the Yes, what is that called? It is the paradox the the the the Diana

paradox something to do with twos. There's a set of them I think. It's a very interesting theory that we'll talk about next episode. Thank you very much guys, bye! Bye!