BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 69 - Nice! Correspondence Special

Episode Date: July 1, 2020

69! Nice! The boys discuss monkey family values, fox screams and correspondence includes: swiss army boring, Liam gets back in touch about a waddle, a bit of tat and some quantum theory, more scaffolding sex pests and an absolutely ASTONISHING chicken-based email about a boarding school, knowing a lot about art-house cinema and no arguing. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 69. At last, we're here. 69 and feeling fine. A little bit for you, a little bit for me. The rudest number. How are you doing, Phil? I'm good. I'm glad we have got to episode 69 and we can finally stop the podcast yeah we can finally change the logo to one of our heads facing the other one the other way around um and retroactively replace every episode with the birdie song

replace every episode with the birdie song so our logo will become like a playing card a royal you know with like what the royal heads that on the either way you turn it around you oh i see pointing upwards yes like a like a jack that's right that's right yes yes absolutely following on from last week's discussion about cowgirl riding rabbits, now I'm just thinking about two monkeys 69ing. Yes, well, oh God, yeah. Did you see that picture, by the way? Someone tweeted us of monkeys banging like missionary style. Yeah, I saw that.

And I think that's why the monkey 69ing is in my head now. Because some absolute bastard has tweeted us over the page of two monkeys doing it missionary. And I feel sick. It really is like, but it's not just missionary, is it? The lady monkey is like across the lap of the other monkey who's standing. Like it's a powerful dance. They're maintaining eye contact. It's horrible.

They are maintaining eye contact. Isn't that a thing with monkeys? Eye contact is like a threat? Do you think it's more fraught for them? Maybe. Maybe. like a threat do you think it's more fraught for them maybe maybe yeah it's i uh i i i wouldn't i wouldn't have expected that from monkeys and i think that maybe it's it's a sign that they do you think they learned it from watching us do you think it's a planet of the apes thing well i you know i know i've always said this um young monkeys are just watching too much porn Do you think they learned it from watching us? Do you think it's a Planet of the Apes thing? Well, I've always said this.

Young monkeys are just watching too much porn right now. Internet porn has really, really damaged the monkey sexual psyche. You know, they don't know what normal monkey sex is like anymore. No, they don't. They don't. Because they go on the internet and they see all these all these monkeys doing it missionary and and they think that's normal but of course it isn't that's not what real monkey relationships are like no it's a shame it's a shame to see that you know to see the effects in the real world like that young

monkeys will see pictures like that and they'll think that that's a normal way for monkeys to to bang and it's just it's not it's not it's uh it's it's something that monkeys had to invent when they became jaded with just you know traditional monkey values like um fucking a close relative after you've both found some fruit you didn't know was there. Yes. Yeah, good traditional monkey family values. That's right, monkey family values. Monkeys have always been presented with unrealistic expectations of monkeys. It's only a couple of decades ago when young monkeys would walk around covering their eyes, ears, and mouth. Because, you know, they seen that in in all these pictures

of monkeys and they were just they were walking off cliffs they were getting eaten by predators they didn't hear coming they were mumbling they were mumbling it's like we have to give young monkeys healthy healthy um examples in the public eye yeah healthy role models good role models and you know what no more king kong yeah it's not realistic oh my god we are still undoing the damage that king kong did on monkey identity you'll talk to young monkeys and they'll say i feel like i should be climbing a skyscraper with a whole lady in my fist a whole lady a whole lady in just my giant fist and you have to sit them down and say look it's about achievable goals steal a camera from a tourist eat a peanut you know become uncle fatty look at uncle fatty yeah

he literally made a name for himself and then he made diabetes and then he disappeared um have you seen any other animals having sex uh I've been hearing foxes having sex, because I've been living in the state of South London for a bit. Yeah. And it's true. You don't really get them in North London, or at least not as close to the centre as I live.

But in South London, there was monkeys. Imagine there were monkeys outside. There were foxes outside. Just going, Are you sure it wasn't modems having sex? They're too old to have sex now, modems, surely. Oh, I think once a year on the anniversary, a modem

will remember the good old days Maybe So wait I've actually I've heard foxes screaming But I've never Yeah screaming But don't they scream

When they're having sex What reason does a fox have to scream otherwise I don't know Why am I in a city? What is this? They're screaming because they've got inner city blues. And it makes them want to holler, you know? They just go,

the commute is too long. There's no sense of community. Why don't we talk to each other anymore? Exactly. I don't even know my neighbor's name. Every fox is having a kind of a meltdown that, in my head, that's the kind of meltdown people have in an American 80s film about a guy in an office. You know, like the main character goes on a big

spiritual rant, like newsroom. Oh, yeah. Or Jerry Maguire. Yeah. Yeah, they always have like big ties and they're always going, God damn it, what's happened to this country? The rant, is that from newsroom?

What am I? Wasn't it Newsroom? The guy with the, I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore? Isn't Newsroom the series? Oh, maybe it is the series. What's the film called? It's an amazing film. I can never remember what it's called.

Oh, Network. Network. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. It's amazing though. It's a really good movie it's quite Shakespearean in its script so beautifully written yeah there's not often that you can watch something

from any era apart from Shakespeare's and think that yeah if it's from Shakespeare's era I'd say there's a 1 in 3 chance that you'll find it's almost certainly Shakespearean you can although some of his plays are pretty garbage I'd say there's a one in three chance that you'll find it's almost certainly Shakespearean. You can, although some of his plays are pretty garbage. So even some of Shakespeare is not really Shakespearean.

Yeah, and I remember when I first found out that even if you go see a Shakespeare play by the RSC or something, a lot of them are still edited down. Right, right right right like if you if you find like an original version of of a lot of shakespeare plays there's like a whole character that were like a really long irrelevant scene where they just chat or say hey diddle diddle or whatever the fuck and they're ever like it's like even shakespeare scholars are like yeah we could we could we could cut that that was the interval where they would go and throw nuts at a bear or whatever. We can cut that. Right. It's like in Lord of the Rings.

What's that fucking guy who was cut out? Bumbleillo. What's his name? The sort of forester. Oh, Tom Bomb oh tom tom tom bombadil bombadil fucking hell i read that about when i was i read a bit of that book and i got to tom bombadil and i went fuck this what the fuck is this who's tom who's that is it their uncle who is he well when he comes out oh hello he's like a sort of merry christmas rainbow man yeah he's like the ghost of christmas present or something he's um isn't what is he supposed to be some kind of like elemental force or something

yeah that's right he's something like made flesh or like he's like gandalf he's one of the same gods or something yeah he's quite silly i i love the hobbit and i try to read lord of the rings too young and it's the council of elrond scene which in the movies is fairly long but not too long where they go oh one does not simply ride into mordor or whatever yeah but in the book it's like the minutes of an actual council meeting from what i can remember i think that's as far as I got as well. I just thought, what are you all talking about? Yeah.

Because I used to be a voracious consumer of fantasy literature. You name it, I was up for it. And then I got very, very tired of it because I'd have to like assemble this whole world before i could start the reading and so lord of the rings is the hardest one for that because during that meeting they're like but what of the gronkles of mozaroth do they ride to the peak of and you sort of want to say look i don't have anything invested in mozaroth yeah in fact i'll be honest it's the

first time hearing of it and it's always the the mozaroth storyline always ultimately comes to the most meaningless detail in the current story and so you'll he'll go on this 10 page you know epic history on mozaroth and then l and then the elf will go at the end and that is why this particular chair is blue and you go what there's all for that yeah and like the thing is is that i have a lot of patience for that when it's real history so for example if you instead of like the fucking council of elrond if it was like no this is like a dramatized version of the negotiations to say end the vietnam war and it has all like nixon scheming and things like that then it's like oh my god the stakes are so high whereas if i had to like if i'd never heard of america or vietnam

or nixon or earth or you know the amount of input it requires to get to get to really get into it yeah and that's why i i find it hard getting on board with sci-fi and fantasy because they'll go basalathor destroyed the people of blerned and you go okay what was the culture of bland like were they all were they all misogynistsynists? Should I be upset that they're gone? Or should I be happy? Was it a culture worth preserving? Or are they just flies? Yeah, are they just horrible little flies?

Like those weird... I think we've discussed this before, but in the superhero movies where a portal opens and loads of robot wasps fly out. And you think, what? Who's organized this what is it yeah what what is like what is a normal day there what is a day when they aren't invading the world

like are they just going around shopping what are these bees doing who who flew to the bee planet and went right we're gonna invade another planet you've not heard of it don't worry there'll be a portal anyway get ready though and really like rush through and really want to for some reason it's like in avengers when the first avengers movie where the portal opens and all the bug aliens come down they're like and you think what were they doing what were they like before this movie started were they just were they just like going to the cinema in bug land going, this is a good film. Or do they have like a rich culture of tapestries and things? Like he's like, and like, and movements of music and like genres of music that have changed over the centuries and nursery rhymes.

Yes, exactly. Yeah. And you sort of go, oh, well, but if you see their operas, then you'll understand the soul of the screaming bug man. Of course, what most of us see of the screaming bug man are the screams and the destruction, but there's a lot of culture behind the screaming bug man. It's like how people,

especially from my context with the degree I did,'s like how people um especially you know from my context with the degree i did it's how people talk about vikings now where all the viking historical stuff you'll see is but they weren't all just about raiding they they had uh they were traders and builders and they were finely woven garments and like it's it's true you do have to like try and teach people that first of all that viking isn't an ethnicity it's a it's a word that means like pirate it's norse and secondly that they were also just another you know place with people gradually trying to figure out how to farm better yeah yeah yeah um all right Alright, shall we start off? Shall we get going with some of these emails?

Correspondence special! Correspondence! Correspondence! Correspondence Correspondence Correspondence Yes Thank you for bearing with us Today is the day I reckon That we finally get to the bottom of the mail bag Let's do it

Let's do our best Joe gets in touch Joe don't be slow Tell us quick About your Prick Dick He says

Hey Peabuds Working from home today I used the magnifying glass On my Swiss Army knife For the first time See Lockdown hasn't been all bad Wow

I've had the knife for 15 years Oh he's one of those He's a real particular kind of guy Wow. I've had the knife for 15 years. Oh, he's one of those. He's a real particular kind of guy who always has a Swiss army knife on him. Yes, there's three types of person. The guy who always has a Swiss army knife on them, the guy who's got one at home somewhere, and the one who's never owned one Switzerland has such a confusing cultural output. Chocolates clocks, banking and a knife that can do anything

and melted cheese pots of course, of course and a little tool that has all the little bits that do all the little things you've got a fondue screw on it, you've got a banking blade things you've got a fond you've got a fondue screw on it you've got a banking blade you've got a chocolate fork and you have of course a clock knife for carving clocks

um maybe the knife has to be so multifaceted because all the rest of their cultural output is so varied and strange yeah that's right so he says it felt pretty cool to me and then I realised that being excited about utilising your Swiss Army knife attachments is textbook uncool yes just uncool? not even

coolest uncool? the title of his email is coolest uncool thing so I think he's, the title of his email is coolest uncool thing, so I think he is saying it's a candidate. I think it's uncoolest cool thing because it's cool to have a fun, neat gadget on you, but it's uncool if it's

too practical. Spoken like a true Batman fan. Thank you! Yes, I agree, Joe. Now you just need to find a horse with a little stone in its hoof. What is a Swiss army knife if not a utility belt for dads? Right? It's true. Bat dad.

Bat dad. Yeah. Or dad bat. If you're from Wuhan. Come on. I know. You see there's a new virus from pigs. Yes, a new potential pandemic pig virus.

Lockdown 2. Lockdown 2. Maybe we make them fight like Alien vs. Predator. Yeah, Godzilla and Mothra. Yeah, COVID vs. Pig Flu. Yeah. Covid versus pig flu. That'd be fun. Yes. Bats v. Pigs. But unfortunately the battlefield is

our bodies. Oh yeah, that's true. Liam gets in touch again. Did Joe not say what he used the magnifying glass for? He didn't. Ah! But he said it was while working from home so what could that be like trying to examine i mean that is an ancient document

do you think he works from home inspecting a jewel it's real my god it's real dear bad pod do you think he was working from home as the main character in a Dan Brown novel looking for a little clue in a piece of art uh yeah so Liam is back in touch

Liam did you see him nice uh the title of his email is the John Wayne Yeah, so Liam is back in touch. Liam, did you see him? Nice. The title of his email is The John Wayne. Okay. Interesting. He says, hello, butt plops. Hello. Fair enough.

I hope you're both well. Thank you for the continued service to the God of Two Cheeks. This is very good yeah may he or she always part of us very funny very funny uh liam here teller of dr duck tales ah dr dark yes and the corridor of musty farts. Oh, man, yeah. A regular raconteur. Our homer, Liam.

Yes, a plopacy. This is Bud Pod's oral tradition. Yes, as we all remember, the man who made the duck walk happen with his bollies hanging and the corridor that led to the only toilet in a shared workspace so people were naturally releasing little farts as they went to go do a poo in their one toilet. Historians actually believe that Liam wasn't

one person but a few different people. In fact, some scholars even speculate that Liam may have been a title for a sort of poet. speculate that Liam may have been a title for a sort of poet. Yes. Also, update on the duck waddle.

Okay. I think we maybe clarified it the other day, but it is a standard thing to test out something to do with your interstitial muscles. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. It's a good pooing position, after all, as we discussed last week.

Yeah, it does have some sort of health-indicative thing. They made my dad do it when he was conscripted into the Air Force. It was part of an Air Force medical. Hmm. Interesting. So there's a rich history to liam's experience but the pictures of ducks on the wall made it anyway can you do the chinese squat yeah what's that it's when you um squat on both legs keeping both feet flat on the ground without falling over oh yeah i can sit like that on your toes yeah you can yeah i can sit like that i call that

that's like how when you in in africa sometimes or like in footage of africa i should say you see people like waiting for the bus sitting on your haunches right yeah right right yeah oh i could do that yeah but i'm i'm like the only white person i know who can do that interesting i think you have to have some experience in a country without enough chairs. That's the origin of that position, right? Because in China, it's like, oh God, there are a lot of people down in our chairs. We can't ever have enough chairs. Look at these guys.

I'll just have to sit on my own legs. Do you think that's what that border dispute between China and India was? Musical chairs gone wrong. It was a game of musical chairs that go way out of hand. Yeah. You know, they had to fight unarmed because it's a tradition that they aren't armed on that border. For that very reason. They agreed it a few decades ago to try and make it

less likely to escalate, but that didn't work. Well, it did. Imagine how much worse it would have been if they had guns. I guess so, but I'd rather be shot at than hit with a club of spikes, I think. Yeah, and kicked off a cliff. Jesus Christ. Fuck, it's 300.

Yeah. So Liam writes, this is his tale Ah yeah It was just another day he says I had awoken and arisen from my bed With not many incidents of note I brushed my teeth with a couple of Oh right he's saying

I brushed my teeth with a couple Of unintrusive guffs But I don mean, I don't think he means he cleans, he cleans his teeth with farts. Yeah, because that's quite an impressive bit of gymnastics. Like airblasting. Oh, okay. I brushed my teeth with a couple of unintrusive guffs as the last of the night's air took leave of my body. So he's farting while he's brushing his teeth. Oh, oh, I see, I see, I see.

Okay, the farts are happening alongside the brushing of the teeth, but they aren't brushing the teeth themselves. Yes, yeah. Although that is how it reads. And Liam, do let us know if you can fart so powerfully that the fart curls around and cleans your teeth for you. Yeah. Like a benign spirit. He says my gut felt good there was no sign of impending rump jam that might delay my

departure for work and so i set off in good spirits in fact much of the day passed without note until after lunch when a hot hand pressed at my back hatch. Wow. Beautiful. He shot himself. No, well, I just, I was pausing there to enjoy the lyricism. A hot hand.

When a hot hand pressed at my back hatch, letting me know in no uncertain terms that my sloppy joes were eager to disembark. Oh, I see. Is it from the inside? Okay, okay. Yeah. A hot hand pressed at my back hatch. It's from the inside. Okay, okay. Yeah. A hot hand pressed at my back hatch. It's a perfect description.

It is good. It is good. But there was no rush. Yeah. It was the gentle nod I had received, and so I made my way to the toilets. In fact, once my cheeks were pressed on the ivory throne, I was quite frustrated with the effort required to coax the fellows out.

At times, it seemed like i was heaving dry grass yeah it took such time that my mind began to wander i listened to the comings and goings of the footfall outside the toilet both the ladies room and the small kitchen were outside there was frequent loud door banging mixed Ah, the sound of the city. Yes, the sound of the city. Beep, beep. He occupied the toilet beside me and my heart sank. A challenger has arrived. I've been waiting for you. I caught a glimpse

of his shoes, paired with a recognizable cough as he unbuckled. This was my line manager. Ah. I knew his shoes and I knew his mannerisms. And now, every bottom squirt he strained out

was paired in my mind with his face respect for the man was being stripped away puff by guff he's only human he's only human like the rest of us liam an astonishing moment was a particularly loud strain followed by silence and then the sound of a cork popping wow was he celebrating it on his own another successful shit like a formula one driver just spraying himself on the toilet After some time I was relieved to hear the dragging of paper on arse As he padded the stragglers off his backside Wow

Oh my god Wow Before grunting his trousers up This is good I like that He battered open the cubicle Before washing his hands The bang of a door and he was gone

I can really hear all that That's very good Very good environment painting there There's a type of person who does just Yeah there's a type of person who does just... Yeah, there's a type of person who does just explode out of a bathroom cubicle. Like a dog at a race. I sneak out like I've just stolen something from the toilet.

I'm so quiet. I'm like, sorry. Then you hold your jacket open and you say, you kids want to buy some poos? then you hold your jacket open and you say your kids want to buy some poos you leave the toilet like when uh they're sneaking around in scooby-doo on tippy toes yeah exactly uh and he was gone i was alone he says uh alone and finished I grabbed some toilet paper to begin my own crack trawling but to my

shock after one wipe it was clear that what I had assumed to be a dry run was in fact a rather boggy affair the tissue was wet through and as I clutched for more sheets I made a heart sinking discovery wet through I had made a rookie mistake there was no toilet roll left

I hadn't done a pre-check and now my ass was like a runny nose I had made a rookie mistake. There was no toilet roll left. Oh, fuck. I hadn't done a pre-check, and now my arse was like a runny nose. It's really amazing that humanity has not found a solution to this yet. We have been shitting for centuries now, and we've still not figured it out. No.

We haven't perfected our art so so what's he done i bet he wipes it with the roll he says i didn't have much choice i was alone in the toilet but someone could come in at any moment outside my cubicle to the right where the sinks the hand dryers and the door to the left where all the other cubicles. I just needed to get out, hang a sharp left into the next cubicle, and complete my business.

Yep. I stood up. Seems doable. Yeah. Clear mission statement. Achievable goals. I stood up. As air hit my muddy rump,

I knew I had to avoid closing my cheeks it would result he says in an ink blot of terrifying proportion on your own cheeks I think he doesn't want to create a hands rubbing together scenario okay he doesn't want to Mr Burns his bum hands rubbing together scenario. Okay. He doesn't want to Mr. Burns his bum. Right, right.

I'm getting tense. Yeah. So with my trousers at my ankles, Yep. I unlocked the door and swung it open. Liam is always waddling, isn't it? Whether it's at the behest of a doctor or his own muddy tragedy.

He's always waddling. Boy, you're a born waddler. You are gonna spend your whole life waddling. So, with my trousers around my ankles, he says, I unlocked the door and I swung it open.

I bent down to grip my trousers, which were at my knees. I then very quickly, and here's the word, Phil, waddled out of the cubicle. There you go. Our old friend, the waddle. Imagine John Wayne crossed with the soldiers from Toy Story.

Very good. I had a moment of utter dread when I was out of my cubicle, but not in the next one. And I was very aware that my mucky arse was gaping at the toilet's main door. Presenting. Yes. But I shuffled like a man under fire And I made it into the cubicle Oh good I slumped down

Glanced at the abundance of toilet paper And sighed a deep sigh of relief But And starts crying like the end of Captain What's it captain what's the captain uh the one about the tom hanks captain phillips captain phillips and at the end he's just that's that's liam on the second toilet so yeah he says i slumped down

glanced at the abundance of toilet paper inside and sighed a deep sigh of relief. But, Phil. It is his but. But then, my eyes fucking left their sockets when the hand dryer started. Oh.

So there's a ghost. My line manager never left. Oh, so Liam didn't even bother to have a look to see if anyone was to his right when he came out. He just rushed it because he thought he heard the banging. And he says, I must have heard the kitchen or ladies room door and assumed it was the men's. Oh, lovely bit of a setup there from Liamam to tell us about those those um those noises yeah early on there's a chekhov's gun that has come back now and chekhov's bum right chekhov's bum well done liam for that bit of info using chekhov's bum it's flown back and it's hit us in the face

very good good writing that so he says my lie manager never left I must have heard the kitchen or ladies room door and assumed it was the men's I can only assume he had been preening over his hair in the mirror the shock rocked me back it took me some time to really comprehend the possibility that he had been flicking his hair and then heard a door turn to see me waddle out of a cubicle clearly display my sodden crack and disappear into another cubicle my sodden crack it's really amazing how many synonyms Liam is finding

for a pooey bum he's nailing it the incident was never mentioned to this day I don't know what he saw but I forever feel naked in his presence with love, Liam that's quite sweet I always feel naked in his presence

yeah maybe that leads to That's quite sweet. I always feel naked in his presence. Yeah, that is... Maybe that leads to... That could lead to quite a nice atmosphere in the office if you both felt it gave you greater freedom to be yourself. That's right. You're probably closer than ever now. Yeah. He's not just your line manager now.

He's your line friend. He's your just your line manager now. He's your line friend. He's your slime manager. Thank you, Liam, for another waddling story. Can't wait to see where you've waddled next week. Thank you, Wad Liam. Andrew gets in touch. Quick one. Andrew. Mom Andrew. He says, Hi, PNP. I started listening a couple of weeks ago and thanks to this lockdown i'm almost up to date 45 ish glorious hours of poo wow that's pretty good

going 45 wow yeah god you must be going insane yeah you must be losing your mind andrew our voices must be the soundtrack to an absolute horror show for you. But yes, Andrew has sent us some tat he found. Oh, great. And it says, it's not really so much tat as like an Instagram image post. It's like a text image post. Oh, yeah. So it's basically just a white background with black text text on it horrible they're often the worst because you don't even have to commit to getting

materials yeah it's not even on your wall yeah it's digital tat it's digitat digitat digitat and digital tatitat. Digital chachkis. Digital what? A chachki is like a souvenir. Chachki? I never heard that. Chachki, I think it's Yiddish or Hebrew. I think it's Yiddish. I only learnt it from watching American television.

I think it's Yiddish. I only learnt it from watching American television. I think it's Yiddish. Anyway, here's the tat fill. It's a classic. I'm done with my 90 day trial of 2020. How do I cancel my membership? Ah! No!

No! No! The answer to that is to kill yourself isn't it really oh god yeah in the absence of a time machine like maybe it's a cry for help how do I cancel my membership of time

gosh become a quantum particle am I right I don't know if I'm right I don't understand quantum pretty bad pretty bad stuff I right? I don't know if I'm right. I don't understand quantum. Pretty bad. Pretty bad stuff. The action of observing tat changes the

tat itself. That's quantum tat. Any poster with writing on in a room is in a superposition of tat and non-tat until you read it schrodinger's tat yes exactly i am loathe to bring up schrodinger as it's sort of the

it's it's like a hack science reference at this point but the pun was too good to to to let pass i'm afraid i think the the i think in the context of a quantum superposition it's actually one of the rare correct uses of the schrodinger meme that's right that's right um but yes i uh every joke on the internet is either a misuse of the schrodinger's cat uh thing or oh tRexes have small arms. So that's pretty much it. Oh, Florence gets in touch. Florence, give us more-ance. Yes.

The email is entitled The Scaffolding Sex Pest Theory. Oh, wow. Oh wow, oh yeah yeah yeah Yes because this is a theory We coined That just being near scaffolding Makes you a bit of a sex pest Oh yes of course

Because I was sex pestered By a man who said he was a builder Who looked his lips at me Across the street Something about scaffolding yeah um yeah so Florence says hello there

the two poops pretty good that's a play on the two poops of course it is I was so happy to accept it at face value I was just like yeah two poops fine yeah that's how much your mind has turned to mush at this point yeah two poops okay it makes sense i'm more porridge than man right now i like the two poops it's funny hello there the two poops uh in these isolation

times we're all firming at the mouth for entertainment, and your shining pot has always been my go-to. Oh, bless you. Thank you. Already a founding farter. Yep. I've begun listening back to every episode right from the start. Wow.

Yeah. Oh, wow. So she's done. So she's been a founding farter and been a Pistor yeah yeah the double the double amazing she she says do i get a laminated certificate for this possibly if we can be bothered to set up some sort of object delivery service or merch website um i had just we'll also need your metadata to prove your claim. Ooh, yes. We could, uh, we could be like a Chinese app. We could just take all your metadata.

Yeah, that's right. We could go to a big advertising company. Hey, you want to sell your products to people who laugh at poo? Well, we're the only game in town. Uh, so she says, I just listened to the story of Phil getting kissed at by Polish man in episode five. Um, when he questions whether all construction workers are sex pests, when I remembered a short but vexing tale of my own. Okay.

I was walking into university one day wearing a rather fetching pair of red-heeled boots. Lovely. Very nice. And on one street I usually walk down, there was a newly scaffolding-covered building. Uh-oh. As a woman of 20, I instantly became more self-conscious at the thought of the hardhat gaze. It's not the gaze you have to worry about, it's the straights. Yeah, what do that mean?

But it's true. But what happened has me scratching my head to this day the moment i walked past the structure i heard a man shout the moment i walked past the structure i heard a man shout red shoes pussy Muncher! Red Shoes, Pussy Muncher. And Florence has written this quite well. So it's Red Shoes in capitals, hyphen, still in capitals, Pussy Muncher! Two exclamation marks. So the two points are definitely related. Pussy Muncher is definitely related to her having red shoes.

It's quite a weird, it's quite a strange thing to loudly observe a thing and then announce the conclusion you've drawn from it. Like, yeah, hard hat. Builder! Yeah. Speeding car.

Late for work! So she says, on the exterior, kept an okay thank you stance but inside i was rattled to say the least uh since when had red footwear been a symbol of homosexuality but more importantly how did he know wow there you go that That's a thing. When they know, they know. Yeah. All the best, Koji. Wash your hands after, please, Florence. That's tricky when they get it right. Because how does Florence react to that if she is herself a gay woman and an obnoxious man gets it correct? Yeah. Does she say, hey, well, yeah, but there's none of your business but there's no need for that no need for that is it that obvious that would be quite a good comeback

actually to some awful some awful creep who shouts something like that at you you go uh-huh and what yeah and then you take out a revolver and what the dream um she's also got a very funny signature at the bottom of this email she sent phil it says but you know you And it's true. It's true, you do. You do pee some, you poo some. Yeah. I always sit down when I need to pee because I'm always worried I'm going to poo some.

Yeah, I think... If you knew someone who said that they do a poo without a pee, would you ever trust them again? No. No. That's psychopathic to just do a poo without a pee, would you ever trust them again? No. No. That's psychopathic to just do a poo without a pee. I think you'd have to try not to, wouldn't you? Yeah. I think you'd do some damage to yourself.

Surely. It'd be like lighting a fire with no smoke. You're like, ugh, how's this happened? Yeah, what a horrid... What an absolutely horrid... What a horrid concept. Zizzy gets in touch. The Italian restaurant?

Well, at the bottom of her email, she says, it's pronounced like Lizzy, by the way. Pierre's gone down in my estimation since he brought up my nemesis the pizza restaurant zzz interesting so it's pronounced zz oh actually she says no it wasn't me it was you it was phil who brought up zzz she's zz and i've done it again i can't help myself you did it your your instincts are always uhZs based. I'm still very much secure in her estimation.

Yes, excellent. So she sent an email regarding... But how is her name pronounced? Yeah, Zizzy. So Zizzy has sent us an email. Zizzy. And I'm not going to read out the title of the email or why she sent it in, but it's a good one.

Okay. So, she says, hello, peep and poop. Lovely, classic. I've recently come back to your podcast. Oh, we got this. We missed this the first time around.

Oh, this is from quite a while ago. We missed this the first time around. Sorry about that, Zizzy. I've recently come back to your podcast. I'm a lapsed founding farter and previous contributor after having broken up with my long-term boyfriend. I'm sorry to hear that.

Or congrats, whichever. And your cheery scatological tales, all topped off with a sprinkling of medieval and military history, my fave, have cheered me up as I mope around like a lost puppy. When you say back the remit of our podcast like that it sounds fucking stupid it sounds fucking insane i wouldn't i wouldn't listen to our podcast in a million years a bum full of bullets but she's not wrong she's not wrong. She's not wrong.

Anyway, so she says, I know a guy who works in a very posh snooty-tooty boarding school. Ooh. This will be good. And she says, I saw him back at college for a returner's dinner type thing. So there's some kind of university reunion. And somebody asked him if as a house master uh he ever saw the boys trying to get up to any silliness

jolly japes uh we all thought it would be the classic sneaking out at night staying up after lights out maybe trying to sneak a girl in oh no so so so much better She says So this guy's quite young for a teacher And very young for a housemaster So he has quite a good relationship with the boys And they tell him a lot And they banter with him quite a bit But for a whole week

All of the boys seemed really off A bit Shifty Phil Yeah He starts to notice off. A bit shifty, Phil. Yeah. He starts to notice groups of boys huddled together, conspiring. Like the birds. Who suddenly go silent when he approaches.

Or scatter, like a nest of rats having a torch shone upon them. Yeah. He's starting to feel quite unnerved are they conducting some kind of drug ring are they about to descend into all out lord of the flies style anarchy finally he has night duty on the friday evening uh the boys head to bed he calls lights out and then goes to his office the boys head to bed.

He calls lights out and then goes to his office. Now, usually, lights out means the beginning of a long battle to get the students to actually go to bed. But this time, they are unusually, unnervingly quiet. Until he starts to notice a kind of low rumbling sound coming from somewhere. He sticks his head out of his office and he hears it's coming from downstairs. He checks the dorms. All the boys are missing. Wow.

Empty beds. He follows the rumbling sound down and down until he gets to the basement. This is great. He opens the door to the basement, and the sound hits him like a wall of heat when you step off a plane. A whole house's worth of boys, shouting and crying out like wild animals. Oh my gosh. He sees that they've formed themselves into a circle, and the looks on their faces are like crazed baboons. Then he sees what's in the middle of the circle and what they are all cheering on.

In the midst of this mass of savage feral teenagers are two first-year boys squaring up to each other. Oh my god. They take a step back. It's Fight Club. Well, yeah, well. They take a step back. It's Fight Club. Well, yeah, well. They take a step back and one lands a punch clean on the other's face.

It's now that the housemaster sees the pure beauty of what's going on. Instead of boxing gloves on their hands, they have whole raw chickens splat well I can honestly say I did not see that coming

I did not see that detail coming I fucking I love that I think everyone involved in it should get a medal I did not see that detail coming. I fucking... I love that. I think everyone involved in it should get a medal. You think you're having a fucking dream if you walk downstairs and there's just a bunch of boys

watching two boys fight and they've got chickens for hands. In a basement and all the beds are empty like a horror film. It's also very funny that this must be like the twelfth night they've done this. Yeah, and imagining all the

whispers that he interrupted. So, have you got the chickens? Did you get the chickens for tonight? Yeah. I don't know. I'm not sure. It's your turn to buy the chickens. I spent all my tuck shop money on chickens last week. Now it's your turn.

You have to buy the chickens, or else there won't be a fight tonight. Well, we can't just not have one. We have to have one. What do you mean to wait for next week? We can't go... Oh, she's coming. Hi, sir.

Make sure you don't buy a chicken that's got any of the onions or whatever already in it because then we can't put our hands in. Yeah, make sure it doesn't have stuffing because last week, remember, Tim, he put his hand in and it got covered in stuffing. That's gross. It's not fair they had to wash the stuffing off. So make sure they're unstuffed chickens. Oh, she's coming. Hello, sir.

Whole raw chickens on your fists. I mean, I hope they wash their hands afterwards. That's the thing. If one of them breaks a skin, they're going to get infected there. How quickly in the dim light of the hot basement do you think you'd notice that the boxing gloves have got little wings?

This is such a great story. This is one of my favorite stories, I think. How do you even discipline anyone for that? How do you explain it to the parents without breaking into open admiration and laughter? Yeah, and what specific rule have they broken, really? You'd have to just say

they were out of bed. They were out of bed. All we can try them for is that they were out of bed. The rest is unprecedented. We don't have a category for this. Frankly, what they were doing qualifies as performance art and they're all going to get school colors they are strangely enough they're all getting extra credit for this but also we have to punish them there's something about the

ingenuity of bored teenagers that I love. I really, really love it. The idea that they all just thought, well, we'll have a fight club, but we don't need gloves. Like, oh, we shouldn't use raw chickens. You know, when people say that single-sex education

can be damaging to a young person's development, it's never this that I picture. No. No. No. I mean, oh my God. I'm just, I'm bowled over by that.

I'm so sorry we didn't read that out at the time, but I'm also so glad that I get to read it out now. I mean, we know people who've gone to prestigious all-boys boarding schools and they have a laundry list of resulting emotional and mental traumas. Yeah. But none of them is that they use poultry for gloves. To beat the fuck out of each other.

I'm now, I'm now, I now i'm this might sound unbelievable phil i'm now paranoid that like we definitely didn't read that out before right months ago i feel like we would have remembered we'd fucking remember that surely yeah definitely i mean what a i mean i mean i my school was was mixed but it did have like a boarding house where you could send your international children to become international. International school, yeah. Yeah. And, yeah, there were some examples of really impressive ingenuity. Setting up a remote webcam as our own personal private security camera.

Really? Yeah, to see when the teachers were coming interesting where did you hide it uh they blue tacked it on above a door jam that's smart yeah and then one of the really clever germans who was like a was and continues to be a science genius i think he's on his second phd he's like a real genius um they would turn the internet off and also the internet was heavily censored as you can imagine uh no one needs help wanking at that age um but uh we were quite near an airport and he rigged up a kind of makeshift receiver satellite and pointed it at the airport and managed to get access to the lounge wi-fi

and pointed it at the airport and managed to get access to the lounge Wi-Fi. Wow, really? Yeah. Oh my God. It's very impressive. Crashed a lot of planes, unfortunately, but at least you got to have a good wank. You got to play League of Legends online and it was worth all those deaths. Man, that's amazing.

That's like something from Tom clancy yes yeah i mean that guy was um that guy was fantastic he's so it's so interesting um thank you for that my lord um another sorry i'm trying to think if there's anything equivalent from my boarding school days you well your your boarding school they coined the term uh his wet his wet. Oh yeah. Yeah. Your roommate's wet. They left in the shower. But I mean, that's hardly impressive. I'm trying to think of something like impressive or like organized, some sort of underground organized movement.

I mean, sometimes people would sneak out in the middle of the night from boarding houses to kiss girls. Um, but people would raid each other's dorm rooms and have like beat each other up with pillows and things like yeah there's a bit of that but it was always within the same house you'd sneak into someone else's room there was a guy at my school who was like i bet you i can apropos of nothing was just like i bet you i could eat a kilogram bag of sugar did he he tried that i mean that's reminding me of once when i was challenged by a friend in the dining hall and boarding in the boarding house just to suck on a tea bag for really long and so i was like i can suck on a tea bag for 30 seconds and so i sucked on a dry tea bag for 30

seconds um and it felt like it was horrible. And it felt like it was going off for ages. Yeah. And I finally stopped. And he let me go on for like three minutes. So I sucked on teabag for like three minutes. What did you win? Nothing.

Just like respect. Pride. I lost respect because I sucked on a teabag longer than I needed to. I've heard that about you, Phil. You know what they say about Phil. Let's just say he sucks on his teabag for a lot longer than he needs to. But that's body school for you. Yes, it is.

So, oh, Rona gets in touch. And I assume it's a she. She says an unfortunate name to have at the moment. Rona the Rona. Yeah, that's a shame. He must be being blamed for a lot of things that aren't your fault right now, Rona. Yeah. Hi, Phil and Pierre.

I'm not sure if you're still doing cool unccool, but I have an uncool cool thing anyway. Great. We're always doing it. Knowing a lot about arthouse or 20th century cinema. Right. Yes, yes, yes. So this is Cool as Uncool. Uncool cool.

Yeah. No, uncool cool. Yes, that's right. That's right. That's right. So right so she says on the one hand i can sound very smart and sophisticated because i can talk about jean-pierre melville's representation of the criminal underclass and ingmar bergman's representation of female sexuality on the other hand i tend to bore people and the fact i have enough free time to go to the cinema multiple times a week not currently of course says a lot about my social life going to the cinema on your own is one of the great uh

untapped joys in life i've only ever done it like twice maybe because it's hard to bring yourself to do but it's so nice it's great um she says i also want to to call out Pierre as he is the reason my dad calls putting sauce on food wetting it. Her dad's picked that up from you now. Yeah, the wet food routine. I'll just wet this food. That's funny. And it has only served to deepen our divide in terms of the pro-anti-vinegar debate.

Ah, you're anti-vinegar debate ah you're anti-vinegar yeah I'm anti excess liquid on food excess being the key word there I'm not cooking with a lot of vinegar no I throw a bit of vinegar into any sauce I make

and it's great yeah a bit of tang a bit of tang in there a bit of tang she says your show at Hen and Chicken was very good It's great. Yeah, a bit of Tang. A bit of Tang in there. A bit of Tang. A bit of Phil Tang. She says, Your show at Hen and Chicken was very good, but you've irrevocably harmed my relationship with my father.

Love the part. Appreciate the filthy humor, which I was introduced to early, thanks to my name rhyming with boner. Great. Also, you love to read an email that signs off, you've irrevocably damaged my relationship with my father. Yes.

Yes, good to have a podcast that can do that. And she signs off with, and let me try and get this right. Продолжают мастубировать. Wow, that's pretty rude. She says, it sounds really awkward awkward but my knowledge of russian wanking slang is not very extensive ah yes of course so must be better that i'm guessing that's uh wanking yes and i guess it still sounds like a threat yeah which is an invitation to do one of the loveliest things a person can do with themselves it sounds like a threat

yes yes yes yes if a russian said that to you you'd immediately start jacking it just to avoid any trouble as a defense defense mechanism, like an ape. Yes. And then quite a nice email to end on. It's from Mike. Mike. Give him the mic. Sorry.

Hey, it's spelled differently. It counts. It's true. Thank you. Hey, Peans. Mm-hmm. In over a year of episodes, I don't think I've heard you guys argue once That's nice

Have we never argued? Not on air Yeah that's right What people don't know is that The second we start recording this I just go You make me look like a fool back there that's the one thing i like about lockdown is that phil can no longer backhand me with a velvet glove

yes i i've been able to challenge pietro far fewer duels than i used to yes and and uh you can't have a socially distanced duel because when you walk 10 paces you're having to start two meters apart it fucks up the whole timing well you can just start two meters apart and walk five paces well what's the point of traditions you know that's right that's right so he says uh is there a topic you two ever get heated over and if so what is it yours jacking lean mike um yes uh cats and dogs i've called i've called pierre bigot for his opinion on cats yes um i think pierre has a bigoted opinion about cats he's very he's an anti-cat bigot i think it's cats and dogs um and well well, to be fair, on the podcast, we did make that bet about mouth noises.

Mouth noises, that's right. But that wasn't... That was like a... That was like a friendly bet. That was like fucking... Phileas Fogg. Like their lady. Yeah.

My dear sir, I dare wager that within a week week you shall be going sloppity slop with your mouth again well I'd gladly take that bet my good sir you know that's what we were doing we were in the lounge of our club and I shan't burp for 80 days we do argue

about we sometimes argue about politics a bit although we're essentially aligned yes it's only ever it's only ever kind of semantics or like sub sub categories of basically the same argument agreeing that's right that's right um we we have yeah that's kind of it really the only other times we've disagreed is we have um different uh uh tastes and what we find attractive in in people but it's hardly enough to fight over i'm never speaking to you again the way you talked about ankles Philip I'm never yeah it's not really it's not arguing is it but then I don't know maybe

if you and I were fiery Italians we'd argue all the time but we're both from quite reserved backgrounds nah that's true maybe that's the secret the secret to a healthy relationship is to come from a repressed cultural background

yes and to just sort of that would be a very funny thing to say to someone, the secret to a good relationship, and like look left and right, like don't argue funny thing to say to someone the secret to a good relationship and like look left and right like oh don't argue

and then look at them for a reaction give it a go the secret to a good relationship is to get on just to get along yeah you're halfway there oh well that was a great that was a good part we got through a lot of correspondence there for us at least correspondence always always a pleasure to hear from you always a pleasure never a chore um and uh do um spread word, keep spreading the word. If you, if you enjoy the podcast, we love hearing about, I, I particularly get a huge kick when I hear about someone who they email in or, or like a friend of a friend turns out to be a listener.

Anything like that is great. I love that. It fills my, my belly with warm cockles. Uh, that'll give you a, uh, indigestion. Yes, it it will you should never eat warm cockles the cockles need to have been frozen at a low enough level to kill all the parasites it's true piping hot yeah yeah yeah it's true not tepid cockles um but yeah thanks for listening guys and see you next week bye bye everybody