BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 7 - International Buds!

Episode Date: April 10, 2019

Melbourne Calling! Phil Wang joins Pierre Novellie all the way from Melbourne where he is performing at the festival there. We chat about Asian buffets, culture points, emails and more! Featuring: more emails from you legends, OKAY THANK YOU, P-Squared, bum bum blackmail and some nonsense. Don't forget to share the podcast, subscribe and rate us five stars on iTunes! Get in touch at @thebudpod on Twitter or [e-mail] Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's episode 7, the first international episode of BudPot. Thank you very much for listening. We're going to be very international because Philip Wang, as some of you will know, is in Melbourne, Australia, like the globetrotting man of action that he is. Because the people of Australia don't have a Phil Wang. And so we have to send them a Phil Wang every now and then just to help them out. It's like a kind of red cross thing. Anyway, so we're going to Skype him in.

So let's see if this works. Hello, PodBuds. Hello, BudPods. It's me, Phil Wang, all the way from... PodBuds. PodBuds are people who listen to BudPod. Phil, you've got to say that again because when you said all the way from Australia, it came out as all the way from... Oh, it's here, Phil. It's me, Phil Wang, all the way from Australia.

Well, yes. Hello, Pierre. I'm here in Australia now, where I am 45 years old. I landed, and I am 45 years old. I landed and I was 45. But it's nice. How was the flight? Was it an absolute goddamn nightmare? It was all... Well, Dubai was on one of those fuck-off big Emirates planes. And I'm always like,

ugh, the oil-rich countries want vapid examples of how you can't buy culture. And then I got on one of their big planes, and I'm like, Emirates is great, there's so much room, there's two floors. Even if you're in economy class,

you feel like a human being and like they're they're very servile it was great and i had to change to another flight that took me via singapore and we and it was not the plane was smaller and it was nice um and when we we had to get off at singapore and get back on the plane i feel like i haven't had to do that since i was eight years old i feel like that's something people did in the 80s like a stop off oh not change oh i did that when i went out to adelaide a year or two ago where they you literally just get off and everyone kind of like baby wipes their armpits and goes for a piss. Yeah.

Yeah. Everyone just, okay, everyone just be stateless for two hours now. Who here likes the terminal? Yeah. What did you do with your stateless two hours? Oh yeah. I wandered about in Singapore airport and and then i i went to i found uh uh like a lounge

uh because i recently got a credit card that comes with a little voucher and that lets you use um an airport lounge twice in the year and i was like mmm I wonder which flights I will use these on over the next year and I used it twice in one journey so I've already used it up before I got on the first plane and then again on the stopover Singapore so that's all used up now what was in the lounge did you get like weird tiny snacks that's quite common the ones in the one in singapore was good buffets in in singapore and malaysia they don't fuck around i can you oh i can imagine the the land of of well the part of the world at least of dim sum a buffet is absolute uh you know that's the art form yeah Yeah, man. There was noodles. There was congee. There was tom yum. There was fried rice.

There was nasi lemak. There was pandan chicken. Jesus. I sat down with all this shit. I sat down with all this stuff. And the guy in front of me, white guy, sat down and looked over what he got. I shit you not, he got toast and butter. What are you

talking about? He got the only dairy thing. He got toast and bread and butter. There's so much of it. So... And he could have had fried rice.

Yeah, he could have had rice, could have had literally marinated chicken in delicate little pandan leaves. That is absolutely... He's just toast and butter. Please tell me that you at least tried to figure out more about this man and who he was and what his problem was.

I broke a tea mug over his head. I just... I went... And he just went into the table and I walked out like a hitman onto my plane. Yeah, I mean that would be the least that he deserved.

What has been the most distressing part of your journey slash visit to Australia so far? Oh, on this second flight I was sat next to a Brisbane couple, an old, not Brisbane sorry, Queensland couple. Basically Queensland is their Texas. Right. Queensland is, if Australians could vote for Trump, they'd be from Queensland. And they were making fun chats.

I'm trying to be nice to this lady who had bought... She was very happy about a Syrian vase she'd bought in Abu Dhabi. Right. And I was trying to make... Trying to be polite to the people next to you without saying, let's have a conversation the entire time. Yeah, without inviting the vampire into your home.

Yeah. And the husband was this wrinkled-ass, sun-beaten old Australian guy with a trucker cap that he kept on the entire flight. I don't know if you've ever seen someone wear a baseball cap on a nine hour flight. Like it's his hair. There was no top to his skull. It's the only

thing keeping him alive man. And he was one of these guys that when they found out I was a comedian he was like of these guys that when he they found out i was comedians like here's a joke for you oh no and he's he sounds like his joke was naughty his joke was his joke his joke was um so this guy uh um this guy brings a new girlfriend home to meet his parents. Oh, God. And she's got a piercing in her eye, and it's a safety pin.

She's got a safety pin pierced in her eye. And the father looks at this and says, Ah, I didn't know those could fall off. That was a joke. Wow. Wow. That was a joke. Wow. And then when we landed in Australia, as we were getting out of our seats, he said, careful, customs target, Chinese people.

That's like one of those pieces of advice from the start of like a get out style horror film where you're not sure if he's genuinely trying to be like hey watch out though because they are racist or he's just like ha ha ha good i'm gonna make a get out my get an equivalent but about chinese people in austral Yes. Like, the only reason that Australian customs aggressively search Chinese people's luggage for foreign flora and fauna is because they want to steal Chinese medicine ingredients

for some evil potion. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice, that's nice. That would work out. They'd be like, it's the only way we can bring ourselves life. Like, they're really into magic somehow.

Have you seen how much Tiger Claw costs? Don't speak to me till I've had my coffee. I can't understand language, tone or sounds. I can't understand language, tone or sounds I can't understand your facial expression I can't understand the way your lips move around I can't understand your hand gestures I can't understand your notes I can't understand your frantic pointing

At the car coming towards us down the road if you speak to me before i've had my coffee i can't understand your warnings about my impounding death two sugars please phil i thought that uh we could be special boys and ignore the fact that while you're in Australia, Phil, enjoying a relatively stable industrial-based economy and sunshine, over here in Britain, everything's falling to bits and the parliament is backwards now

and the Queen had to fight Richard Dawkins. What? Yeah, just all sorts of things have been going on. It's all gone mad. Everything's on fire. But let's ignore that and let's talk to our fans. We've got fans now and they've been emailing in loads. Oh, great.

We all enjoyed, of course, on Twitter, MF Gloom got in touch to tell us that he enjoyed dum-dums who live bum-bum lives. Yeah, that's one of your phrases about people who don't realize their potential. Or people who don't appreciate mattresses, essentially, it boiled down to. mattresses essentially it boiled down to I think that's actually an Instagram inspirational

graphic, don't live a bum bum life and it's like a picture yeah it's like a what? it's like a picture of a beach a photo of a sunset it was the word well funny you should mention that Phil

because in terms of inspiring people not to be dum-dums with bum-bum lives, we have an email from Harry, and he says, Hi, Pierre and Phil, I'm enjoying the podcast a lot. And now his most cool, no, no, his most uncool cool thing

is holiday photographs for social media. We've all seen this. Yeah. So his most uncool cool thing is holiday photographs for social media. We've all seen this. You're on holiday with a group, many of whom are, quote, living their best lives on social media.

It's the Caribbean. It's sunset. It's undeniably beautiful, only you will never actually see the sunset with your eyes because you're too busy being bossed around by a controlling basic bitch so you can get an equally sexy fun friendly skinny dramatic group photo for the internet so that everyone else will be jealous of your amazingly glamorous and privileged lifestyle but wasn't it great and repeat all of the above for staged engagement videos all the best har, Harry. Yeah, man.

Yeah, because holidays are great, and being in a nice place is great, but if you've taken a lovely photo of it and shown everyone, we all know you have taken time out of your holiday to please us. And we know that there's a point where one of the people involved was like,

can we please go back to relaxing? And the other person was like, no. We haven't shown people how relaxed we are yet. Stop relaxing. No, I mean, the Chinese were doing this shit before Instagram was even a thing. Yeah? As with everything, the Chinese invented it first. Chinese tourists, man, go around and they just yeah

just take photos they live they yeah the camera oh you cut out there uh huh oh hello you cut out for a second there you your voice you did robot voice i have become a robot australia is in the future so what you're saying is chinese people genuinely do just take too many photographs i mean they were doing this before like instagram yeah yeah i just remember seeing you know chinese aunties wandering around vietnam just sort of collecting the experience not really living it just like making sure to hit the landmarks, you collect photos, you buy the one thing, you move on. Yeah.

It's like the march of an army. It's like a red army, just accruing reconnaissance. Oh, fuck, that's what it is, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. It's reconnaissance. oh fuck that's what it is isn't it yeah but but then okay here's the question that many people have wondered are these photos then shown to people in big parties or something well that's that was always the question now what that was like i remember watching, like, growing up on American TV, the go-to boring thing your neighbor would force you to do was invite you over and they'd play you a slideshow.

Yes, a slideshow of their holiday, and it was always somewhere vaguely Hawaiian-y. Yeah. Yeah, so American TV, you just have to sit in a room and watch a slideshow. Now, you just put it online, and everyone pretends they looked at it. You pretend to yourself everyone looked at it. Everyone's doing it for nobody.

It's so depressing. Everyone sold themselves this lie that everyone loved my holidays. I was this lie that everyone loved my holidays. Last year, there's a great gallery in Melbourne called the NGV, the National Gallery of Victoria. And galleries are now making a conscious effort to make their exhibitions Instagram friendly because they want people to take photos and share it. Oh, yeah?

So there are all these popping colors and it's all like loads of stuff you can take photos with and there's this pair of Chinese girls who are just walking around. One was the model one and one was the photographer and they just move from corner to corner of the gallery. Not taking

the art in but just making a pose taking a snap reviewing it and then moving on it was just the most apocalyptic fucking thing I've ever seen I never watched all of that

it's worth a watch because it came out like 10 years before we even knew what hipsters were, and it's depressingly – oh, God. Prescient. Yeah, prescient. Okay, so someone is just taking – maybe that's like the ultimate prank, right, is that these shallow idiots who just want pictures in front of brightly colored cubes are paying you like presumably there's an entrance fee well exactly so and maybe like maybe the best thing is that galleries are making a little more money than they would the other ways because at the end specify the mean well that's it well in the uk most galleries are free apart from private galleries and what if we

said okay you can go to the victorian albert and if you're actually cultured and interested in proper stuff you can go around all that stuff for free but over here is the idiot wing where it's full of giant inflatable memes and bright colors and jingling sounds like this sounds like a potential most authoritarian thought maybe so maybe like we all have a culture score, like, in a chip in our arm. Culture score? Yeah. Each of us has a running culture score, and it allows you into different wings of museums.

Ah. And then the worry would be that how do you gain the culture score, you know? You'd just be like, yeah, I hired someone to walk through the gallery a hundred times, and now I'm a king of culture. Well, you have to appreciate the wings that you're allowed in, and then you can unlock the next level, like it's Zelda or something. And then to prove that you've appreciated it, you have to write a short essay, and then that gets marked, and then essentially we've invented a kind of open university.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. The only way you can prevent yourself from ending up shitting in the dark is to sit on the toilet while you shit and do a little dance do a dance do the poo-poo dance to make sure that the light doesn't go off automatically or maybe pay a guy to go in with you and do a dance in front of you while you pee it just depends how you want to avoid a nighttime toilet situation in the day. Oh, I've gone like three minutes.

We can continue this some other time, maybe. But I just wanted to bring your attention to this. When I was logging onto the computer here, you know how sometimes you just open up uh a browser tab and you you google something to see if the internet is working yes uh i've just written in uh poo obviously i was writing poop and uh the most under people also ask when you google poo first one is uh what is a better word for poop the second question is is my poop alive the third what should your poop look like right fourth are you supposed to poop when pooping and then the fifth question is what

are the signs that death is near? Wait, what was that fourth one? Are you supposed to push when pooping? Are you supposed to push? Yeah, as in squeeze them out and let them fall out. We both know someone who would say that you aren't and they're the only person we know who claims that you shouldn't

do that. He needs five days to do a poo. He does. And it is not for everyone else. Yeah, it's not useful for when you're waiting for him to get in the car. Yeah. Well, maybe that's why he wants to know when death is near. He's literally living a bum-bum life.

He's literally living a bum-bum life because of the amount of time he spends on his bum. Yeah, he's the very epit literally living a bum-bum life because of the amount of time he spends on his bum. Yeah, he's the very epitome of a bum-bum life because his life has to be planned around his bum-bum. That's actually the etymology of where the phrase bum-bum life comes from. If you look back in the records, his first

appearance was in the Canterbury Tales about a man who's pooed really slowly. Because, of course, in the old days, peasants, who we all had contempt for, peasants were all constipated. And so they had to plan their lives around their horrible, constipated shitting. Yeah, so that's true. That's where bum-bum lives come from. All right, Pierre. I'll talk to you later.

And just remember to have a good day. Oh, he's picked up the local lingo. Bye, Phil. Enjoy the kangaroos and dust. Bye-bye. Phil Wang there, being an international boy. And if you want to keep up to date with Phil's adventures, go on Twitter and check him out.

I think he's put some clips up from Melbourne Gala, something like that. And of course, something that I forgot to raise with him because I haven't seen him since he went viral with his Tom Hiddleston advert video. If you haven't seen it, it's on like 4 million views. The Pope liked it. Everyone thinks it's a wonderful time. And it's very, very funny.

And it's Phil taking apart a a recent highly creepy chinese vitamins advert by which of course i mean uh non-racial or non-national vitamins being advertised by and for a chinese audience within the domestic chinese market thank you um so do uh uh do check it out it's very very funny and uh forms part of phil's long-running campaign to prove that tom hiddleston is a big creepy weirdo uh in which i support him entirely because i watched the night manager last night and uh yeah he's just he's supposed to be the goody and i don't trust him because i think he's got spooky eyes okay a little bit more correspondence phil and I talked about Harry.

Darsh got in touch. Darsh, of course, being the biggest fan of comedy just in general. Hello, Darsh. We love you very much. Hey, guys, he says. Unfortunately, this won't be humorous, let alone funny, which is an interesting. Darsh has discovered a kind of gap there between humorous and funny. an interesting, Dosh has discovered a kind of gap there between humorous and funny.

My most authoritarian and libertarian views are the same this week as every week. Most authoritarian delivery riders on mopeds and scooters shouldn't be allowed to do their job without a full license. I didn't know they could do that. Oh, apparently at the moment, they don't even need to pass a theory test. It's a one-day course, and they can ride around cutting people up like eejits. Oh, my God. I had no idea. There's not many jobs where people would be allowed to operate machinery without appropriate training or licensing. Dash, I mean, you're right.

That's not funny at all, because it's genuinely chilling, especially in London, the city that is terrorized by mopeds of both benign and malign persuasions. Benign, Thai food. Malign, mobile phone theft. Most libertarian.

There should be two major athletics groupings and tournaments, clean athletic and drugged-up athletics. With drugged-up athletics, competitors should be able to use whatever drugs they wish. The exception being that they shouldn't be allowed state or crowd-sourced medical funding, i.e. they shouldn't be treated by state hospitals or be able to get money from fans. All of their funding should come from their own earnings or sponsorship by evil corporate ventures. That is more libertarian. Maybe someone could run 100 meters in five seconds and then disintegrate. Good luck with this one. Cheers, Dash. Thank you, Dash.

I like your idea of disintegration through speed. That's pretty good. I'm really in favor of that. Yes, now, at Edredon Brownie on Twitter got in touch. Hello, sir. And he caught himself he it's quite a long email but basically inspired by our bud pot he caught himself indulging in a thought that was libertarian and entirely self-serving now broadly speaking uh he's talking about his idea it should be legal to commit mild maiming or assault to end socially anxious situations in extremists, which is interesting.

I mean, I can be a socially anxious person, and I understand the need to. Every now and then, we've all had a conversation with someone where we thought, the only way I can leave this conversation is if I shoot me or them or them and then me in the head and go down in history as a sort of completely random maniac. So he says, allow me to finish you with an example. This morning I found myself in a conversation with someone who routinely finds me confusing. who routinely finds me confusing. Now that's interesting because that could be because this guy is actually quite funny and interesting and the other guy is like an idiot.

Or it could be that this guy is genuinely a baffling person to try and speak to. And the other guy is just a normal brained person. He also has no discernible sense of humor. So I can't explain why when he mentioned the phone company called Hollaback, spelled as in like Hollabach, I asked him how quickly and how loudly they returned his call.

It wasn't a good joke. Well, it's okay. Nor was it my fault that he spent considerable time asking me to explain it, whilst seeming genuinely upset that I'd questioned his ability to manage a business relationship. My skin was crawling and I was beginning to sweat. And basically, basically, he says that if he'd sort of shot a passing child, you know, maybe that would kind of create the situation where there's no need for the rest of the conversation to happen.

And yeah, I mean, that's pretty good. In order to avoid the legal ramifications of third-party injuries, i.e. the passers-by, you should just be equipped with a sort of flare gun or like a ninja smoke grenade. Every 90s cartoon character had smoke grenades. All of them. They'd throw them on the floor

and they'd poof up really quickly and then they'd be gone. And there'd be no real reasonable explanation for as to how that works or where they've gone. Or where the smoke grenade came from because they never animated in pockets. It's too expensive. They just seem to pull it out of their balls.

Anyway, if you have a smoke grenade in your balls, hey, let us know um we have an email here now from amy hello amy hello uh p squared which is excellent we should start using that i'm going to tell phil we're p squared from now on what would we p squared is me and phil in a sort of urine-themed German techno band, I think. Very sort of craft work. Anyway. Hello, P-Squared. Your podcast is my antidote to what is the worst day of the week, Tuesday,

and therefore the worst commute of the week, Tuesday morning. Where are you in the world that that's true? Because it comes out on Wednesday. Anyway. Everyone repairs themselves on Monday, spending Sunday prepping their cold rice based meals for the week unless mentally preparing for existential dread of an office-based job no one suspects little old tuesday tuesday is the reminder that guess what things don't get better unless you listen to bud pod and for a short one hour and seven minutes the world world has some integrity. Thank you. Some integrity, damn it.

In this corrupt, oh, the sewers are unread with blood. And, you know, I don't have the level of mental disturbance required to do a full kind of Rorschach-style monologue about how the world has no integrity except me and Phil's podcast. But you know, you get the idea. Imagine me going on about how I'm going to let everyone drown, whatever the fuck it is he says. Anyway. NB. I've just realized hating Tuesday could be a potential most uncool cool thing. It's cool to hate Tuesdays, right? Uncool due to the associated non-conforming self-righteousness. Yes, possibly. Possibly? Which day of the week is coolest? We've already done which numbers are the most like weapons. Christ, that sounds like we've been podcasting for much longer than we have. Anyway.

Anyway, my dilemma began last weekend when an old colleague of an office job many moons ago messaged asking to meet for coffee. Now, at the time of working said office job, we got on very well, and we would often hang outside of the office. Okay, office friend. I obviously thought, yes, I would like coffee, and your company would be appreciated

due to our past out-of-work friendship, crucially extracurricular. However, when I arrived at the independent hipster Klingon coffee shop, Klingon in the sticky sense rather than the Star Trek sense that's how it's spelled anyway and later you know the Klingon coffee shops they're so violent but they love coffee that's the thing about Klingons is that they're a violent martial warrior race but they love roasting beans. When I got to the coffee shop and laid eyes on my past close out-of-work office,

out-of-office work friend, bloody hell, laid eyes on my past close out-of-office work friend, I now realized I have nothing in common with this person and I will have to spend the next two hours desperately thinking of two-way conversation topics and the life events of old colleagues I barely remember. Who is Wendy? Why does she no longer speak to David? Was Chris the cute one? Oh wow, work really was the only connection we had. And now I'm sitting here wishing I could be anywhere else with people whose whole identity is defined. Oh wow, work really was the only connection we had. And now I'm sitting here wishing I could be anywhere else other than with people whose whole identity is defined

by whether the printer works or not. Have you ever arrived at a place, friend of a friend's party, or met an old friend, and suddenly filled with that dread of, oh no, I've made a mistake here. Many thanks, Amy. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes. Where you've sort of gone, sometimes that happens with primary school or elementary school, where you sort of go, yeah, we were good friends in primary school and then you sort of, you realize that you were nine

and that doesn't mean anything really when you're nine. Unless you're a character in a Stephen King novel and you both went and found a dead body in the woods and got haunted by a clown. Perhaps. Then okay, fair enough, but I did not have any of that So people who I was friends with at nine

And then never again That's not really You know There's no You wouldn't hang out spontaneously Yes, that's true Let us know, everyone About your worst mistakes in this regard

P.S. from Amy I realize rather than emailing podcast hosts to tell my life woes, I need a foundational group of gal pals who can help me through this dilemma whilst group peeing in Prism or the local gay bar because white women love intruding minority spaces. I guess so. Please can I become an honorary member of the Espresso Martinis? Well, you know, you have to ask Phil that.

I have to see. Phil is very protective of the Espresso Martinis. You know, he's the only one who's ever met them. I've only ever heard them through their beautiful music. But maybe, I guess. It could be an Atomic Kitten sort of... Oh, God. There's so many of those manufactured girl bands. You know the kind of thing I mean.

Ed Gamble of this parish, Acast. Ed Gamble of the Off Menu Pod used to have a fantastic routine about Atomic Kitten girls are loud, maybe? And the philosophical concept of Theseus's ship, which is not as on brand as it was, but it always makes me laugh when I remember it. Konzept von Theseus' Schiff, welches nicht so auf der Brand ist, wie es war, aber es macht mich immer lachen, wenn ich es erinnere. P-Squared. Wir sind P-Squared.

Willkommen. Willkommen im der Techno-Bunker. Ja, willkommen im der Techno-Bunker. Unsere sind P-Squared. Wir machen eine Party. Wir geben euch die Hyper Ja, willkommen in der Tango. Unsere sind piskwert. Wir machen eine Party. Wir geben euch die Hyperjump.

Pumpen alle die Nacht. Es ist sehr schön. Wir kommen nach Hamburg. Wir gehen nach Docks. Es ist ein cooles Nachtclub. Es war früher ein Währhaus in den 80ern. Ich denke, es waren Küken. Und jetzt kannst du kleine Käse haben. It used to be a warehouse in the 80s for like, I think it was chickens. And now you can have the little cages and you can leave your keys and your phone in there.

So it's safe, you know, it just smells a bit like chickens, but that's okay. And you can dance and sing. And it's very nice. And there's lasers and the lasers go through the cages. That's pretty cool. And sometimes like uh that's djs like dj egg and because he started in this club and so he was always dressed like a big egg and it's made from like polystyrene and it's like a funny joke you know but his tunes oh my god

so good and uh you've also got us p squared we always headline every night and we do the same three songs we do hyper pumpin we do we do not didn't spielin and we do a cover of welcome to Detroit because you know once a banger always a banger and welcome welcome in Detroit of Detroit is nice you know we like it everyone in Germany if we don't realize that Detroit is a horrible shitty place that nothing is there and so everyone imagines like oh it's like New York but better cooler because welcome you know they're nice they're friendly and so we play this and at the end of the night everybody gets to go home with a little egg because there's still the back half of the warehouse is still chickens and it's a nice little

snack you have you cook it uh and you say eat your disco egg which is the name of our next album is coming out it's going to be called eat your disco egg and the front cover of next album is coming out. It's going to be called Eat Your Disco Egg. And the front cover of the album is going to be Peace Squared, myself und Philipp. And we're going to be cooking a little egg. But the egg is like, the yolk is like a disco ball. Egg is white, yolk is a disco ball. And the pan we're cooking it in, the pan is a DJ deck. How cool is that? Yeah. Geil. So geil. Ich weiß. Stimmt. So.

Another message from a fan. Here is a fun memory inspired by the cold brew coffee story from episode six from Virginia Steppenwolf. Here's the fun story. My home phone rang. I'm 12. My mum answered it and shouts for me, there is a girl on the phone for you. I run to the phone, giddy with young love. I had been seeing someone for nearly three weeks since the school disco. Hello. Hi, it's Hannah, Emily's friend. Hello, Hannah. Emily doesn't want to go out with you anymore. She said you are really boring. Okay, thank you. Bye. Bye, Hannah. My mum laughed. I cried. I think about this most days. I'm not boring.

I was just shy and 12 and British. Great pod, buds. Domingo, 30 years old. Little Oakley. Which I think is a Partridge reference. That's very funny. Fuck me, the school disco i would rather do all of my gcses again than go back to the emotional place that you get put in at a school disco jesus christ oh it was like it makes me just thinking about it just makes me want to shave my skin off and sell it.

Oh my word. Let's go through that script again. I like that. I'm going to try and do different voices so it's as clear for you, the listener, as possible. Hello? Hi, it's Hannah, Emily's friend. Hello, Hannah. Emily doesn't want to go out with you

anymore. She said you are really boring. Okay, thank you. Bye. Oh no, fuck, I forgot. Okay, thank you. Bye. Bye, Hannah. Bye, Hannah.

That is very, very funny. Okay, thank you. I think, okay, thank you has to be the new catchphrase. You guys need to send us your Louis levels, by the way. Anything that raises your Louis. We want to hear about it. But, okay, thank you has got to be the funniest response to anything. Like, hey, man, I just saw someone break into your car okay, thank you, it's got to be the funniest response to anything.

Like, hey, man, I just saw someone break into your car and take a bunch of stuff, and I didn't stop them. Okay, thank you. That's the funniest response to anything, I'd say. It's so polite, and it's so calm. Okay, you're very accepting. Okay, Thank you. Okay. We have a wonderful last email here from Charlotte.

Hello, Charlotte. Hi. I love your podcast. Thank you. And I'm currently listening to episode six. I just want to point out that while you were talking about books that could make you dumber, Mein Kampf is pretty bad. Mainly because one, it makes you stupid, and two, it makes you racist. Anyway, just wanted to point that out. Love your show in that. You're welcome, Charlotte.

I suppose that's true about Mein Kampf, isn't it? I suppose that's true. I've never read it. I've seen quotes from it in like history textbooks or whatever. But I've never read it, which shouldn't come as a surprise. That'd be quite a funny thing to say at a dinner party. I really must read Mein Kampf. God, I really must. It's on the bedside table and I keep picking it up and I just, you know, I fall asleep. Right around the part where he's talking about Freemasons, I fall asleep. My word. where he's talking about Freemasons, I fall asleep.

My word. I wonder if there's ever been a historian who was busy reading Mein Kampf initially just to study it, and slowly it got them, because it clearly got people. It was a successful book in the brainwashing sense. That would be quite a good sort of inside number nine character, someone who sort of started reading Mein Kampf to sort of prove how ridiculous it was. And slowly it just, it really spoke to them.

It was like their ideal book. How do you buy it? I get, you order it online, I suppose. I mean, you can order anything online, but I remember hearing once that most bookshops do have a copy of Mein Kampf, but you have to like ask for it. Or is that in Germany?

Is it legal in Germany? I think it only became legal to read and buy in German a few years ago. And then loads of typical British-type tabloids were like, Mein Kampf is bestseller in Germany. Typical Nazi Germans. They're at it again. And you go, well, no. They've been banned from reading it

for, you know, 70 years. And they're understandably quite curious as to how everything kicked off, I guess. But then again, yeah, in a kind of pulp horror, that would be, it would just work again from beyond the grave. My God. Can you write a book that convincing? I don't know if I could, but then again, you see the kind of books that sell out in a, uh, I was about to say

supermarkets. Maybe I do mean supermarkets, wellness, herbs, herbs in your bum, lots more fun, that kind of thing. Uh, you know, they're just insane remedies. Like, uh, you rub copper all over your face and you won't have cancer anymore and things like those people make money that's why they do it they make a lot of money maybe it's maybe

that should be illegal maybe that's my most authoritarian thought of the week ban any kind of book that claims to deal with health or healing that isn't written by a doctor. Maybe that's what I think. I'm sure there's exceptions to the rule. I'm sure someone has read a book on, I don't know, crystal healing. And it's allowed them to process some horrible life trauma.

And all power to you. But I don't like it. And I don't want to spend money on rocks. Okay. That was probably, yeah, that's my most authoritarian thing, I'd say. Ban all that nonsense. Most libertarian. Most libertarian, I'm not sure.

But in libertarian news, andil will be very pleased to hear this uh i think well or maybe not pleased i'm just seeing now this a student has been jailed for blackmailing porn users worldwide this is a british student uh called zane kaiser what a name kaiser kaiser zane kaiser from barking in lond London. He managed to make personally about 700,000 pounds, but his network might have made 4 million pounds or more. He's 24 and he's the most prolific cyber criminal to ever be sentenced in the UK. A cyber criminal.

I think a cyber criminal is a lot more likely to get real life beaten up for being a nerd in jail. Kaiser was arrested five years ago, but it's been delayed by health concerns and how complicated it fucking was. He started making money from this when he was 17. So if you download a naughty video of a lady's bum, or anyone's bum, a bum bum video, you download a bum bum video, right? He'll hijack your computer through the bum bum video and freeze it with a little piece of software until you pay him to unlock it so you can presumably just keep watching bum bum videos.

And millions of these attacks occur every day. What? This guy's not... At 17, he contacted the Russian controller of one of the most potent attack tools and agreed a split of the profits if it worked. And in turn, he forged contacts with online criminals from China and America. And he's in a casino trying to launder the money. Oh my god. Phil, this guy's your hero. This guy's the ultimate example of real blackmail. Oh My word and so people would pay a hundred quid a

Hundred quid because they'd be like, oh, I don't want anyone to know I've been looking at porn or maybe they'd believe it was from the FBI or whatever. He was pretending to be from I don't want anyone to know I've been looking at porn, or maybe they'd believe it was from the FBI or whatever he was pretending to be from. Jesus. He made £11,000 in July 2014 alone. I'm in the wrong business. I need to be a bum-bum video kidnapper.

This is absolutely nuts. As much as this is obviously extremely important, but would you not feel, I guess you wouldn't feel silly, but there'd be a part of you that feels a bit silly as like a cool anti-terror cybercrime police guy. And you'd spend years trying to track down this mastermind criminal, this crazy, whoa, cool, you know,

fight him on a rooftop in the thunderstorm and then it turns out to just be this fucking bum bum video guy this dweeb um how did they catch him he spent five grand on a rolex and two grand on a chelsea hotel stay he regularly spent money on prostitutes drugs and gambling including almost 70 grand in a casino in an upmarket shopping center What? Can you have an upmarket shopping center? How market can a shopping center be when it still has a Tesco in? Maybe there's no Tesco. Maybe they just sell groceries made of jewels 70 grand my god, but he's spending money on prostitutes and drugs and gambling

so under Phil Wang's system he'd be blackmailable and then they'd take the money from him maybe but maybe, you know, who blackmails the blackmailers? that's the thing, maybe he'd be immune to blackmail like a kind of vaccination he'd be like, hey, I'm the kind of person who does blackmail so, god, this is going in loops.

Good Lord. This guy's crazy. Jesus. There are some ways to make money that really, if you have to do just a normal job or even a sillier job like mine in comedy, you make you feel like a real rube make like a feel rube um where you sort of go oh if i was just a criminal for a little bit i'd have half a million pounds but then of course you know you become a bum bum man and you have to go to bum bum jail and that's the price you know bum bum crime doesn't pay

if you want to be a criminal you need to be really like a white collar criminal who's called you know stanley uh or james and uh you've just got to sort of steal most of a pension fund that you kind of already set up that it's legal for you to steal it, even though it's not morally correct. And then you'll be fine. Something like that. Something like real fancy white-collar stuff. Then you can steal as much money as you like. Send us your ideas for fancy white-collar crime,

and we may genuinely try and implement them. Because why not? I mean, why wouldn't we? We'd also like to thank Josephine for getting in touch on Twitter. She created a Sugar Eagle card for her friend's birthday. They're both big fans of the podcast. Sugar Eagle,

if you remember, is a very, very good company. Do enjoy their services. Which is for Sophie. It was happy birthday, Sophie. Happy birthday, Sophie. And also, good work on creating a sugar eagle birthday card it's beautiful if you want to see it go on Twitter to at the bud pod

or I put it on my Instagram as well for attention and it's very nice it's one of the most resplendent eagles I've ever seen. And I don't use the word resplendent lightly. Oh, my God. And I don't use the word resplendent lightly. Mick.

Hello, Mick. Mick used to get in touch through my favorite podcast, my old podcast, before we started this one. And he's giving me shit over the Americano with milk business. He says, well, then what's the word for an espresso topped up with hot water and a little bit of cold milk? What's the word, hmm? And I said, it's a betrayal.

It's a betrayal, Nicholas. That's what it is. He says that his most authoritarian view, people who don't understand that language is fluid should be shot. What if I understand it, Mik? But I'd resist it because sometimes you've got to just keep words. Anyway, no, he's right. Sometimes I put milk in.

I'm a hypocrite. I've tweeted that already. I've admitted that. admit of that. Have you been a victim of a bum-bum fraudster? Have you had money stolen from you just because you wanted to watch some bum-bums do dancing in a naughty video like in the old days?

Are you addicted to blue movies? And by blue I mean bum-bum. Well, you're not alone. There are loads of idiots like you. That's why this child made 700,000 pounds. You should be embarrassed. Call this number if you'd like to be humiliated more. And not in a sexy way. That'll only make it

worse, you terrible bum bum video addict. Okay. Apologies for it being a little short. And hopefully in the edit, I'll be able to make Phil sound less like a crazy robot. But then, you know, Phil is 49 years old and he's a robot in the Australian future. You know, that's it.

That's just how things go sometimes in your comedy career. But thank you very much for listening and downloading. Do share, tell your friends, subscribe and rate us on iTunes if you can. It'd be great. Give us five stars in the Uber sense, please, for delivery.

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