BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 70 - Johnson!

Episode Date: July 8, 2020

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie chat about middle-aged men, those sweet clicks, Twitter discourse, "score", being a troll, correspondence includes: Sandy Cobbledick, a bag is a bag, your vera has fallen out, lifeguard anti-perv duties... and Pierre is on twitch now! Watch him here twitch.tv/pierrenovellie Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 70! Uh, 70... Uh... What is that to you? 1970? 1970? That doesn't mean much to me, the year 1970. I mean, we could have done that with every episode. That's true.

There are very few numbers that aren't also years. That's one of those weird tricks that you get sent on it. Even the very big numbers eventually will be years as long as it exploded yeah scientists theorize that even the year a million will eventually exist well i guess depending on what calendar you use it already it already does probably by the dinosaur calendar a million has has been and gone. Very hard to use

dinosaur time as a way of excusing being late. You know how there's Arab time in the Middle East. I think it's called Arab time or Saudi Arabia time? I've heard this from people who used to live

in Saudi Arabia. Yeah I don't know. I've heard this from people who used to live in Saudi Arabia. Yeah, which means like there's kind of no such thing as being late. Yeah. And if you say we'll meet at four o'clock, if everyone gets there at seven, then the meeting was scheduled for seven. Like something like that, right?

I wonder if maybe dinosaurs said a similar thing. Like it retroactively corrects itself. Yeah. That's quite good to save pride, isn't it? Maybe dinosaurs said a similar thing. Like it retroactively corrects itself. Yeah. That's quite good to save pride, isn't it? That's quite good. Well, I'd say we arrange it for seven. Well, yeah, me too.

In that case, we're all early. Yeah, right? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Then you could just go, oh, then we're all good, aren't we? 70 is also... What? Four score and...

No. How much is score? I was thinking about this. How many is the score? Is it 20? The score is 20, yeah. Okay, so it's four score and minus 10. Okay, that doesn't work.

Three and a half score. Three and a half score three and a half score three score and ten i like it's a shame we don't use score anymore i'm score years old come to my score birthday party my scorey first my scorey first my sweet score team i'm scorey eight years old. I'm from London. On a dating profile. They've got a why their age gap is a score.

About a celebrity. Have you heard of her? She's got a new boyfriend. Guess how old he is. Two score older yeah celebrity yeah like a celebrity age gap thing or like uh do you do you have this i've met i've i've met sort of several people over the years who have said about themselves or about their friends like they only go for older guys yeah yeah yeah but i but i mean like 20 years 15 years older right yes i'm always fascinated by those people because they've clearly just they if you if you ask them about it they've often like been out like that's been their thing for a

while and i just admire i think i admire anyone who has a category that they just go that's what i that's what i go for that's it and and such a quantitative category yes not like nice eyes or good sense of humor it's just certain number of years born earlier than i was i admire that definitive attitude. Yes, there's no debate about whether or not, oh, but do they seem really empathetic or not? It's like, are they 40?

40 or above? If not, I'm not even going to assess. The process doesn't even start for me. Especially as a middle-aged sort of it's sort of like the it's it's the root one example of an unattractive person just like yes what are you a middle-aged man is it's never used in any kind of What are you, a middle-aged man? It's never used in any kind of admiring context. No, no, it's never a compliment. But then often if you sort of get into...

I've only ever met one person who goes for the older man who really means it across the board. The rest of them, essentially what they mean is, I do my best to find people who look like Pierce Brosnan. Okay, okay. So it's like, okay, yeah, he's 40 whatever, but he's like... So he's only more handsome because he has grey temples, you know, that kind of thing? That's right, yeah.

Whereas I've only ever met one person who's like, going for the ones who actually look like... Just like a middle-aged businessman just just some guy you know yeah i can understand that yeah well yeah so in in those in those cases for those people who like who was just looking for a sort of pierce brosnan it's like oh you're not into older men you're just into like you're into handsome older men yeah yeah well there's that there's that joke about oh you know whatever women love beards or women love whatever it's like no no everyone loves a handsome or beautiful person with that thing yes yeah yeah it's like when people go oh glasses are sexy and you go well

let's let's look at what you're really saying here. I think that's our friend and podcast Adam Hess's joke, isn't it? Yes. Yes, that was it. That's what I was trying to think who did that. Yeah, yeah. It turns out they like handsome men with beards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, exactly. Yeah, I don't know. I just, I think I admire anyone who, yeah, quantitative, like you say, measurable. They can just say, measurable. They can just say, this is it. Here's a category. Save myself some time. That's why I kind of like, you know, people have like a height minimum. I mean, it's easy for me to say because I am tall and I usually exceed the minimum height required.

But I kind of like just putting a number on it yes i i this is my this is my tall privilege speaking well it is we're both tall tall tall privileged people um that's right but i think i'm mostly envious of it because it saves some it must save a lot of time i think yeah they're not endlessly considering everything individually they've got these big time-saving rules that's right yeah i think i i'm just envious of anyone who knows themselves and knows what they want so clearly because you know me I'm always so like I dither so much and I always worry about because as I've spoken about it before my I've terrible fear of regret and so it take me it takes me ages to make a decision about anything and I usually I'd rather not even pick anything than pick something and

find out chosen the wrong thing so I just just admire people who just go, yep, he's got to have a wrinkly face and a divorce under his belt. Yeah. And that's me, sort of. Yeah, well, that's it. Well, the key there, you've hit upon exactly what I was thinking. The key there is that they mean it. They haven't elected arbitrarily. So they really

mean that that's what they want. They don't go oh, it would save time if I did this. They actually think it. The sincerity is the key because if you don't mean it, like if I was to decide that I had a height limit even though I don't care, it would just be like a false

load of admin for me and then if i met someone who was under or over the height whatever it is then i could be like i wouldn't be like well who cared too bad i would be like oh well maybe i was wrong to pick that arbitrary rule right okay so you admire them for actually sticking to the rules they set themselves no because they mean it oh that's what i'm saying is that they they didn't choose that rule the rule chose them that's what i am yes exactly like excalibur it's like how i don't have excalibur that's their sex caliber yeah i mean that should be the new term for a sexual proclivity you have you have no control over that chose you that's your sex caliber

i i can only get an erection if my partner puts on a donkey mask but that's my sex caliber yeah that's my sex caliber to bear well that's exactly it because i mean yeah that it's it's it's the sincerity of it because they really yeah they really they they they really feel it that's that's that's the definitiveness that i envy is because it's real i can i can pick a rule as well as anyone but it doesn't mean that i really think it i'm just picking it it's like i don't need to i don't need to give myself the rule not to eat broken glass like i'm not gonna do that i don't need i don't need to make a rule for that i already don't want to do that um it's like for them it's that level uh-huh right yes

yes yes yes i see i see i. Like it's absolutely instinctual, which I'm never sure if that's a word. Instinctual? Instinctive? Instinctive. It's instinctive. Yeah, I think it's instinctive, isn't it? My instincts are telling me it's extinctive.

Oh my lord. Have you seen... How are you feeling about the apocalypse just generally? We haven't talked about the apocalypse for a while because it felt like it was ending and it's just... It's still there. It's still there,

but it's now sort of a background apocalypse. A back apocalypse. It's all just humming away in the background. Melbourne has gone into lockdown again. You and i have some friends in melbourne and that's um they were real cocky those aussies for a little bit there yeah and oh we've oh you in the uk and we thought you know you hit real bad we just had a couple of weeks inside and by the barbie and now we're back on on the beach and drinking a beerie yeah um and then but now they're all locked up again well six weeks apparently yeah well you

can't you can't can't uh scare coronavirus away with cork stangling from a hat it's not enough australia it turns out um yeah yeah i think they the melbourne that would be like the second smugglers the smugglers is just the nation of new zealand for just oh we did all our homework and now we're allowed pudding yeah good old new zealand yeah whereas i get As much as I like New Zealand, I get quite annoyed with the sort of cutesy, automatic reverence for everything New Zealand does and every achievement it makes. Yeah.

And how well it's handled the coronavirus pandemic, as if it isn't a pair of isolated islands on the edge of the world with a completely self-sufficient agricultural economy. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's just that syndrome that people, generally people in the West, but especially people in the UK have,

of pick a country and make it Eden. It used to be Sweden. It was Canada, then it was Sweden, and they both fucked up because Trudeau wouldn't stop blacking up. He wouldn't stop. Sweden played chicken with the coronavirus. And so now everyone has to go, well, not Canada it's not Scandinavia I guess we'll have to pick this sort of love child that Canada had with Scandinavia and put on the other end of the world

yeah yeah and it's it also it's like it's only just qualified to be the next country we groundlessly uh uh project our fears and hopes onto because of Jacinda Ardern, whichever has just gone. Yes, a leader who I don't know much about, but I've heard three good things and that's enough. Well, she's very charismatic, very photogenic, obviously very good, very compassionate. very good, very compassionate. But as I was saying to you, I had to do some research. I did some research on Jacinda Ardern for a thing I'm writing.

And she's, I had no idea, but her party is in coalition with basically the New Zealand equivalent of Britain First. Yes, yeah. Because she's in the minority government. And I had no idea. You didn't know that.

And if you didn't know something, you know, that means like 99% of people... If you don't know the exact makeup of a coalition government somewhere in the world, that means that 99.98% of people have no idea about it. And it just suddenly seems very convenient that we don't know about this coalition. Yes, it is convenient.

And the real truth is that on a macro-international scale, it's don't have heroes. Absolutely. Don't do it. And you can have heroes errors but with the understanding that politics is complicated it's unclean and it requires compromise but i don't know that people

aren't really into compromise right now no um and anyway anyone who never ever wants to compromise i'm always disappointed to find out that they don't, you know, have a gun. Oh, I see, I see. Because it's like, well, how do you propose to conduct any business? Well, how do you intend on defending these principles you hold so dearly? Or forcing them on others, because others won't do them and you don't compromise. others won't do them and you don't compromise so wait so you're saying that you'd have more respect for uh someone online who believes that words are violence if they also owned a rifle to uphold that belief no i what i what i mean is like when someone says the things i believe are 100 correct and everything else is evil right if you really believe that you need

to act don't you so if you really believe that and you're not doing anything then i believe that you believe that but you're a lazy fucker you're you're letting evil take over the world according to you that's okay yes and i this is similar to my feeling i think i've maybe spoken about this before to you about you know you and i we have we have a a friend well a few i'm sure both of us who are very religious, like Christian. Yeah. And who, if they truly believe what they believe, must think that, they believe that I'm going to hell.

By their belief system, I'm going to, when I die, I will spend eternity being tortured by the devil. And they, they haven't tried to convert me once. They haven't tried to convert me once. They haven't tried to save my soul. They should be crying every day that I am not a Christian because their friend is going to be tortured by demons in hell in smelly sulfurous flames for time immemorial. But when they see me, they're like, hey, Phil,

they should be crying their eyes out every time they should be grabbing your collars phil get it together but it's it's like i remember having a conversation at a at a in a bar once with someone who was saying that a politician they knew like a politician who they were in a position to be able to sort of speak to or have access to they were like oh well they're they're they're like a fascist they're like an evil nazi i think i think they really are like a an evil nazi um and they were still just like sometimes hanging out with them and it's like well sorry you can't have breakfast with Hitler and still criticize him

you can't write a little blog called breakfast with Hitler and be like you'll never guess who was in a mood at brunch again Hitler you'll never guess who was disappointed with his veggie sausages well this is it and I mean what i'm what i'm really saying is obviously not that i think everyone should have guns and not compromise and murder each other what

i'm saying is i'm trying to i'm trying to point out that these people who like to speak in such uncompromising terms don't mean it they just sound like the sound of it when it comes out their mouth they never mean it they will always compromise so what they're just grandstandings meaningless grandstanding i don't know if you i'm sure you have but a few times i have met in person someone who i virulently disagree with online and who online they present a completely concrete political philosophical position and when i meet them in person they're like yeah i mean i guess so no i suppose you have a point it's like what you're supposed to be uncompromising about this which was and i think which one is lying which one is lying is the online version of you lying

or is this version is the real life version of you lying about you really feel you want to say to them they call you the iron bastard what are you doing where's your uncompromising fist yeah i think the online version is lying um i don't know you know do i feel like like we're more honest. Do you remember when Twitter first started and there was a saying, a sort of modern adage that on Facebook you lie to your friends and on Twitter you tell the truth to strangers? Oh, interesting. I missed that.

Yeah, and I mean, people don't use facebook anymore but i think the second half of that adage has remained true i think i think on twitter you are honest because we still have we still haven't really computed in our monkey brains that our phones are public portals it still feels very intimate it still feels very personal it feels like you're writing in a diary so i think when you tweet something i think you are being very i think you are being very honest i think that's true except for public figures though because they're they're selling to the base you know yeah i mean if you're aware of your online profile as brand yes then i guess that doesn't hold as true that's it yeah you've you've got to be like

everyone's competing to be the purest and and most thorough version of x brand whether that yeah you're right whether that's you know momentum or ukip or anything like that everyone's trying to be like well i think it the most and here's my book yeah i suppose yeah you meet them in real life and they're like well you know you compromise and you're like well not according to you yeah that's exactly it yeah um and also they just um they basically are the same as any other twitter user that isn't a famous person they just see like a tweet from one of their ideological enemies and it fucks them off so they write a kind of really barbed decisive tweet in the other direction and then then then they have to like back it up and then they have to be like no well you know maybe sometimes i do think that on the fucking today program or whatever

it's just an endless cycle of um people goading each other or themselves into further and further crazy statements it's like a crazy merry-go-round i suppose it's also because it's it's not an active discussion is it it's turn-based like it's a turn-based strategy game yes it's like civilization yeah so you don't get to act you don't get to react in real time you have to you have to make your move you put you write your post you make your move you let it sit there and then you wait for your opponent's retaliation and so compromise takes a lot longer to get to because you have to whittle through all these you know these ping-ponging um takes all these ping-ponging assertions yeah and positions until you eventually reach compromise you end up but you rarely reach a

compromise it's it's it's and it's all about getting engagement getting those clicks those and positions until you eventually reach a compromise. But you rarely reach a compromise. And it's all about getting engagement, getting those clicks, those sweet clicks. It feels good. It feels good. What do you think is the most anodyne, meaningless position you could take on something that's not important that would get the most online response?

Well, dogs. I mean, we've spoken about it before. Of course. The most abuse I've ever gotten online was for saying something about dogs. More than anything I've said about race or politics. It was more about white British people and dogs, wasn't it? Well, it's just about white people and dogs.

It's about someone thinking the dog killing scene in chernobyl spoilers is the most there's a saddest thing about it even though young men turn into jelly people melt and i just thought that was ridiculous and people were like what a heartless thing to say about about actor dogs what a horrible thing to say. I love the idea that that's the kind of person we'd say to them. And they dropped a nuclear bomb on Hiroshima and this many people died. And there's a blank face and you go,

and a hundred pet canaries. And they'd go, no. There were pets in the city. And I don't like this idea that animals aren't deserving of the fallout of war because they had played no part in it. Because it's a human war. But animals lost the original war against humans, didn't they? They keep losing it. It's ongoing. Every day they lose it every day a billion chickens lose

the war all over again it's frankly pathetic yes well yes exactly i yeah i just i i it's it's It's something that troubles me where people, yeah, they have, reflexively, they just have more empathy for a creature that they can command and trick with food than a person. Well, exactly. It just betrays an inability

to engage with any kind of nuance with your fellow human beings. Because, I mean, their main gripe against humans as opposed to, say, dogs, is that humans will disagree with them occasionally. Yes, yeah. Every now and then a human will say, oh, shut up.

Whereas those hungry dogs never say that. I think the opinion, the most pointless opinion I could share online to annoy people, and it's not true, I don't think it, but if I wanted to engineer, you know, Katie Hopkins style, just trolling, I would be,

I think it would be, all rice is bad. All rice is bad? Yeah. Obviously, as you well know, Phil, I don't think that. But I think saying all rice is bad would annoy people who like rice. It would annoy people who think generalized statements are stupid. People would want to know more about what I meant, get lots of replies.

Some people would project a race element onto it people would want to know what I meant it would become like a race thing very quickly maybe maybe maybe people would think it was a dog whistle my instinct though is that nothing

would happen because asian people actually have a very good sense of humor about the sort of thing and are not sensitive oh no i think as as with all as with all uh uh manufactured controversy it would be a bored white person a middle-class white person would quote tweet it and go oh well well well and i think any asians who saw it would just project their own less favored rice into what you're saying so if if a chinese person saw you write rice sucks they'd go yeah basmati does suck and then if an indian person saw it they'd go yeah jasmine is bullshit you know we just project or they'd look at it they'd look at it and they'd go oh he's he's white and he lives in the west yeah the kind of rice that that those people eat is a horrible mush

yeah uncle ben's is not good and What does Uncle Ben's mean now? It's not good for a number of reasons. Uncle Ben is... And he's gone now, isn't he? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I think Uncle Ben's is gone. I think he's gone. We never had the pancake syrup lady over here. Aunt Jemima.

Yeah, that was never in the UK, was it? No, I don't think so. Did you have that in Malaysia? No, no, never seen on Jemima. I think it's just an American thing. Yeah, I think it might be. I don't think that you get many... The only British Jemima is the Puddle Duck,

which is annoying because it's a goose, which is another Hess observation. Puddle Duck? What's Puddle Duck? Jemima Puddle Duck. Eh? Eh? It's a kids book Is it? Oh, must have passed me by No Phil You've never

You're so ignorant of a lot of the greatest works of literature Yeah, I just I never got to the classics I just never committed You just love magical realism I never got to the classics. I just never committed. You just love magical realism. Yeah.

Yes. I think that that would get traction. I don't know. I think enough people would take it the wrong way or find something weird about it that it might get traction. About you saying all right stuff. I need to get more online traction phil i want to become a troll yeah give it a go i think it'd be really fun i i mean i get

tempted so often to just start an anonymous account and just go full troll because the few times i've dabbled with my own account have been so intoxicating and addictive and fun i totally see why people do it it's probably yeah that's probably why a lot of the people like that do it like it's a real thrill like um other one of our other guests glenn moore has has met and worked with um katie hopkins and he was saying that he she would always just behave as if it was just like she didn't even mean any of it yeah yeah he says she's actually very nice in person yeah and she would just think it would and then i've seen lots of interviews with her where she kind of explains that she almost starts from the point of view of like oh what what would no one say about this like what would what would

be an unsayable like it's such an abstract thing because of whatever is wrong with her. God knows. Yeah. I mean, is it performance art, technically, what she does? She's like Die Antwoord. Yeah, but then I guess if it sort of incites violence, then... That just makes the art more powerful, Phil. Perhaps, perhaps Yeah, but I can see why

But she's gone now She's gone now, she's lost her She can't tweet anymore, she's lost her Twitter profile It'd be interesting to see if that really finishes Her professionally Because I suppose that was her sort of final Bastion, wasn't it? Yeah, because she doesn't write for a paper anymore

And does she have a radio show anymore? No Bastion, wasn't it? She doesn't write for a paper anymore. And does she have a radio show anymore? No. Maybe she's done. Where will she get her kicks from now? I don't know. I mean, she seems pretty resourceful. Yeah, she'll find a way. Even in lockdown, she will go up to someone's window

and just tap and you'll just hear muffled things about immigrants. She might start doing cameos. You know that cameo thing you can... Cameos for racist people. 50 quid and she'll say something outrageous about a topic of your choice. I mean...

That's her whole career anyway. That's true, that's true. To be offensive for money. I mean, it's not completely out of the remit of the modern world for that to happen. Maybe that's going to become our version of the two minutes hate

from 1984, where it's like you can't actually hate anyone, but there's special celebrities who are kind of hate workers, and you have to hire them, and in private they say all these horrible things yeah and it becomes like the new pornography everyone goes and shuts themselves into a little cupboard and it gets it gets their hate on yeah gosh maybe that can happen that'd be

fun i guess that's kind of twitter if you follow the right accounts that that is right that is true do we talk about twitter too much i. Do we talk about Twitter too much? I worry that we talk about Twitter too much. I, maybe, but the trouble is... What else is there to talk about for the last few months? We haven't seen each other in person for three or four months. It's also like...

And every social interaction I have is online. Yes. And also, I think you get the right to discuss Twitter in serious terms when the most powerful man on earth uses it to alter the stock market. That's true. That's true. you get the right to discuss twitter in serious terms when the most powerful man on earth uses it to alter the stock market that's true that's true i mean he single-handedly has turned into like there's a shortcut to the most powerful man in the world and his insane thoughts and he just

we can all just look at it it's fucking mad i mean can you imagine the sort of shit nixon would have come out with if you'd just been happy tweeting it i mean holy shit if you go back i wonder this how do you think twitter feel about donald trump being on there they must they must be happy about it do you think it's like if you're a small-time restaurant owner and suddenly like like, you run a little Italian bistro and suddenly, like, the most terrifying mafia guy is there, like, every Friday. And it's a huge compliment

and it's amazing for business, but also, oh, fuck. Also, yeah, you know you're protected against all the other mafia men, but you know you can't against all the other mafia men, but you know you can't cross this mafia man. Yeah, and also you're protected as long as you keep the restaurant how he likes it. Yeah, I guess it would be like that. Yeah, no refurbishing the fucking dining booth when Al Capone is around.

Kanye West says he's going to run for president but it surely is too late he can't can he i think you can really i think but all the primaries are done but he's not running for a party the primaries are just an internal party thing so as an independent you can like sign up anytime before election day i guess so i mean like the the primaries are literally like party membership card carrying members only voting it's not the public i just i don't know i thought i saw somewhere that he'd missed deadlines so there are just there are forms you have to fill in and applications you have to submit and it's too late but really yeah i don't know i don't

know i don't know well has he just announced it to get like a boost for his whatever insane piece of clothing he's trying to sell now i think he means it i don't think that necessarily means it's going to happen i think he means what he says as he says it i don't know if he means it forever no no no no no yeah that's true i and again we're only aware of that news through twitter and his kim kardashian signaled her support by quote tweeting it with the american flag emoji that's the world we live in now yeah and of course you're right you're right twitter is the real world now it's all we have because of the disease phil which disease covid or our own mental illness that keeps us on twitter oh very nice i just

meant the pandemic but you know what phil you've you've seen depths that i did not even realize were there that's why you have me on this podcast every week that's why you keep getting me back on merlin over here Merlin over here But I need to get more online film More online traction because I'm Twitch streaming now Yes You are the new Twitch king

Of the internet I really wanted to watch But I don't have a Twitch account I think you can still go on the website Oh can you and just account. I think you can still go on the website. Oh, can you? And just watch? I think so. And does it stay up? So, like, yesterday you played Age of Empires 2. Yeah, you can watch that.

Yeah, I think it should still be up there. Oh, nice. I can just go on Twitch and watch you play Age of Empires. Yes, and it was quite good, actually, and I've had to turn a corner of my bedroom, my desk a real a real virgin's desk with all the computer kit and stuff to to play fancy games i mean another age of empires 2 is a fancy game visually but um very nostalgic to go back to all the sound effects were there phil

that's did you have to buy a new copy or is this like your your own original copy um i i already had something i already had the 2019 definitive edition yeah with a free dlc of advanced graphics phil um and you can you can see people watching they can like type comments and stuff as you're playing. There's a chat room. Yeah, I've had to, I bought a new computer screen and now my old computer screen is like the chat window screen. I've got two screens. It's my bedroom looks like I've never known the sexual touch of another human being. Oh, neat.

So how regularly will you be on Twitch now? I'm going to try and do it monday wednesday friday okay yeah yeah yeah well maybe monday wednesday thursday but something like that i'm definitely going to do medieval mondays and warzone wednesdays medieval it's important does it have to have some alliteration for you to do it i've done my best on tuesday turn-based strategy tuesday ohation for you to do it? I've done my best. What could be on Tuesday? Turn-based strategy Tuesday? Yeah, or you could do Total War Tuesday. Total War Tuesday, which is part turn-based.

Yes, yes, part turn-based. Thinking Thursdays. What games would that be? I've got some really good puzzle games, like sort of mystery games riddle games, puzzle games stuff like Return of the Obra Dinn Talos

oh I might have to get these yeah they're very good I think Twitch is a format because ideally you should Twitch stream for at least two hours I think solving mysteries would be quite a nice thing to do with a group it would be like an escape room where everyone else Twitch stream for at least two hours, I think. Solving mysteries would be quite a nice thing to do with a group.

It would be like an escape room where everyone else is just chat room members and you're sort of in control of it, which would be quite nice. It would be a more coordinated approach to solving mysteries. I've even managed to set up a green screen I managed to buy one of those green cloths

and rig it up behind me oh wow and what's your backdrop I just cut myself out of it so I'm a floaty head boy in front of the game ah okay okay in the corner not just all over the screen

I can be wherever I want to be Phil with this technology oh sweet on the moon the screen. I can be wherever I want to be, Phil. With this technology. Oh, sweet. Twitch streaming on the moon. Well, I'm going to watch that. And PodBuds, you should also check it out with me. I'm going to start a Twitch where you can watch me watch Pierre's Twitch. Wanglebox. Or GogglePhil. twitch wangle box or goggle fill um but uh yes yeah so do if you if you want to watch me even if you even if you don't listeners it would be a real help in terms of me becoming the king of

twitch if you just signed up and followed the account even if you don't watch if only to really enjoy your wonderful age of empires graphic which has your face in in all three generals heads yes yes my younger sister photoshopped me a logo for age of mps oh i didn't see that that pun there was uh is just PierrePlaysTwitch, and the other one is AgeOfMPiers, which is the name of the stream. It's harder than I remember, man. Really? Maybe the AI is smarter now. Do you reckon they've upgraded it?

Yeah. Well, when I set up a skirmish mode, there was a thing where it said you can choose, your enemy can be the AI, the CD AI, or the HD AI. What? I'm not sure what that means. I think they mean there's a new AI, or you can have like the old CD game, you know, 2002.

The CD AI, yeah, that's the original AI. Yeah. And the HD AI is your hard drive AI, which you can download and update. I'm guessing. I think it's just because they released an HD edition in like 2009. Oh, I see. I presume it's like the

AI you can download and store on your hard drive. Imagine that, the ghost in the machine who you fight in a little medieval war. Yeah, interesting. That'd be fucking great. What's your army of choice? What's your army of choice what's your civilization of choice in the old age of vampires what they've added a load of new ones

phil oh really i had no idea how far they'd gone scientologists yeah yes they've added mole people they've added tom cruise is a very powerful unit Tom Cruise is a very powerful unit he costs 2000 food to build which is strange for such a short man but he has a very high metabolism and he does his own stunts

so he actually did the mo-capping he did the mo-capping for his own character in Age of Empires 2 great yes mole people you can play as He did the mo-capping for his own character in Age of Empires 2. Great. Yes, mole people. You can play as Predator. Oh, I imagine that.

I'd love that. Yeah. No, they've added Indians, Malians, Portuguese, Magyars, Lithuanians. Wow. There's shitload nice one and and like niche ones from a long time ago as well like sort of very sort of that's it's the most confusing thing about age of empires because you're sort of playing as like the celts which sort of implies that you're you know i mean what's that circa the year 300 and then you're playing as the Portuguese, so you're like, right, so 1500s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is this about? Yeah, I don't really... It's very unclear. They just sort of go, well, all of it. All of it. You know, it was the age of empires. You know, the Celtic Empire.

You know, history, right, guys? Very vague. It was a specific age of empires. That one age where there were empires. You all know the age. You remember the one. Great. Well, I'm going to check that out.

Yes, please do. Shall we do some correspondence? Yes. Age of correspondence. Age of correspondence. Age of correspondence. Ring letters, emails, phone calligraphies, your sister will never

forget. Ring letters, correspondence. We've had a lot of kind words for the Raw Chicken Fight Club story from last week. Yes. Soman is such a reaction for Raw Chicken Fight Club.

It's a really fantastic tale. A really fantastic tale. I actually read it aloud. It's like an urban myth. Yes. Well, I read it aloud to friends in the park. Okay. Like something from the victorian era and did they enjoy as i was approaching as i was approaching the climax of the reveal of of the boxing gloves they were giddy they were saying what could it be oh god what's it gonna be

that's and you never see it coming. You never see it coming. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's exactly it. You can't predict that. That was what made it so mind-blowing. And once I revealed it to them, they said, you could have given me a thousand years and I wouldn't have known.

Yeah, exactly. We have an old email from Joseph, a quick an old email from Joseph a quick little old email from Joseph Joseph on you go-seph Joseph on you go-seph yes very nice last name please oh no it's from Johnson sorry he wants to be called

Johnson Johnson yes Johnson yeah yes he said yeah he said last name please Pierre I think you should encourage this anyway to give the podcast a school vibe okay so we're not using his first name

Johnson yeah yeah but Johnson's less of a school vibe more of a American detective vibe isn't it? Johnson? Yeah, or a radar control room. Yeah. There's some sense of emergency with

Johnson. Johnson! Yeah. It's always quick. Johnson! No one ever asks a guy called Johnson, like, Johnson? Johnson, what are you doing? I know who'd like a slice of cake. Johnson. Johnson.

It's never this way. Johnson! He's always impatient with that Johnson boy. Yeah. So, he says, dear ButtPod pod or if this has already been done dear plip and plop they're both good butt pod I think that's

surely that's been done before but I can't remember it I don't know if it has you know butt pod that's one of those where you think surely that's been done but the real genius is finding the obvious which no one has noticed that's it that's been done, but the real genius is finding the obvious which no one has noticed. That's it. That's it. He says, like Phil, I have a vaguely penis-related name.

Yes, I was about to say Wang and Johnson. Now that would be a detective double team. Yes, that would be good. That would be good. Wang and Johnson. Yeah. Wang and Johnson. Get Wang and Johnson, yeah. Wang and Johnson. Get Wang and Johnson on this.

He says, however, we're both on the mild end of the spectrum and don't know real trauma. I'd say that's true, yeah. He says, I once knew a guy called Sandy Cobbledick. Sandy Cobbledick. cobbledick cobbledick cobbledick i don't like some of this cake cobbledick cobbledick i think it sounds like um it sounds like a kind of made-up name, like something you accuse someone of being, like a Rip Van Winkle. Okay. So you'd be like,

well, you're a regular Sandy Cobbledick over here. Cool your jets, Sandy Cobbledick. Poor Sandy Cobbledick. Poor Sandy Cobbledick. He has subsequently changed... Oh, yeah. Okay. Poor Sandy Cobbledick. He has subsequently changed... Oh, yeah. So Sandy's a... Actually, I did know

a guy Sandy once. We've met a Sandy. Is it Shroff Alexander? Is it Alexander Sandy? Sandy. Maybe it is. I've never thought of that. I was always just happy enough to accept it. But that's just me, Phil.

He has subsequently changed his name completely and become a born-again Christian, as well you would. Wow. Imagine having a name that drove you to find God and any excuse to change my name. Yeah. It's like, well, you get your name when you're baptized. It's like, well, I'll do it again. Roll the dice again.

I'm Penis Throbcock. Oh, no. Like it's randomly generated. Drippy Sha shaftsman No That's even worse than the last time That's worse than I want to be Sandy Cobbledick again

So he says Your podcast has got me thinking There are loads of penis names But hardly any vagina based ones Obviously there's Fanny But is that it? It's not fair. That is a good point.

Well, I mean, this is also a symptom of us simply having fewer words for vaginas. We're so penis-obsessed as a species that, you know, there's just more to play with in terms of penis. Fanny, pussy galore, but that seems like a cheat. Yeah, that is. You can't just call someone cunt Hendrix. No, I've tried to. It would be a strong fucking name to introduce yourself with. Cunt Hendrix.

Now that's an unlucky baptism. Contendrix? God, how did I even get in the mix? All right. Yeah, my father stubbed his toe while he was telling the nurse what to write down on the form. Joanna Muff?

Muff? Does Muff come up as a name ever? Muffy? Muffy? Muffy is one of those come up as a name ever? Muffy? Muffy? Muffy is one of those weird old names that doesn't happen anymore. Okay, I wonder why. I think. Muffy.

I'm going to look up Muffy. I hope I don't... I'm going to click on the image. Yeah, Muffy. Muffy is even a character in Animal Crossing. Okay, well, there you go. There you go. It is a sheep that wears earmuffs. There you go.

With a big muff. That's how they got the name. Oh, I think Muffy is the name in English. He's right there is no there aren't many vagina names but that is more to do with us not not being as obsessed with the vagina as we are with the penis

and it's a damn shame yeah it is a damn shame it's a damn shame is there a pre-existing name Phil that we can think of that is we can just start from now on? Like we can decide is from now on like that, more vagina-based? I guess that's what happened to Johnson, isn't it? Like how did Johnson end up meaning a penis?

Hmm. Yes. Someone must have decided. Hmm. What about Sally? Someone must have decided. Hmm. What about Sally? Your Vera. How about Vera?

Vera. Yes, that's just out of date enough that anyone who objects is too old and weak. We can ignore them. And it's got the V in it. Vera, I think. Yeah. Put your Vera away. Oh, put your vera away will you it's hard to say right in the vera yeah that got me right in the vera yeah i'm i'm my votes for vera that's good i'm in favor of vera

she fell over and her her vera out. Have you ever seen a vagina, Peter? It's kind of like a long straw, isn't it? A straw. A straw. Like a proboscis, no? Oh, God. I like the fact that when someone's vagina does accidentally come out and become visible, people do still say fell out as if there's enough to fall. Yeah, sure.

Dick and balls fall out. They flop around. Yeah, they do. It's ghastly. It's because it's too weird to say that she fell over and her vagina appeared. Appeared, yeah. Like a ghost. Yeah.

Like it wasn't on her body until then. Yeah. Now you've got to say fell out, I'm afraid. We're stuck with it. Someone's Vera fell out. What's important is that we're having the conversation. It's important to have these conversations in these unprecedented times

That's right Johnson has a coolest uncool And an uncoolest cool suggestion Yeah So he says Go on then Johnson spit it out What is it Johnson Spit it out Johnson

What is it Coolest uncool glasses so he says they're inherently yeah they're inherently nerdy but they come in a range of interesting styles that enhance or mitigate people's weird heads that's true and i can speak from experience that's um my i it took me so long to embrace glasses you know and to my detriment i mean i didn't like high school and university i thought oh i'll just get the really thin frames because then you'll be like i don't have glasses at all maybe people won't even notice i'm wearing glasses if they're really thin secret glasses but they looked awful they make your my eyes look all

narrow and weird. And then I went, you know what? I'm just going to go the other way. I'm just going to have big-ass frames. And now I have these big 80s serial killer frames. And they look so much better. They're so much cooler. Because it's obvious I've embraced my short-sightedness,

which is the coolest thing you can do. Yeah, you know what you're about. Mm-hmm. And you're about seeing. Never let it be said that I'm not into seeing. Well, Phil's one of the most lookingest mans I know. Oh.

Uncoolest cool. Big, unkempt fisherman beards, but with immaculately coiffured hair. So, a huge, huge big frizzy beard but with perfect hair the kind of guy who works in a barbershop

that is putting too much effort into the old worldy gentleman aesthetic yes yes it's like a barbershop called Sam's Hair

Shed. Yeah, well, the word emporium is thrown around a lot. Emporium. And there's things in jars. Yes. They put the combs in jars, and the guys have jelt hair, but as Johnson says, big old beards. They're all wearing suspenders. Yes. They put the combs in jars and the guys have gelled hair. But as Johnson says, big old beards.

They're all wearing suspenders. Yes. And as he points out, it indicates that the scruffiness of the beard is studied artifice, which is the most depraved form of cool. Interesting. Interesting. Yes, I think that's a very good point. interesting yes I think that's a very good point

I've never been able to enter those places because I can't grow a beard so to me they've always had the vibe of a members club I'm not allowed in yes well you've you're coming as close as you've ever come

during lockdown it's still not close. I mean, it's still appalling my facial hair. I think your mustache is coming along. It's definitely, it's trying. It's doing its best to come out there. You're just stopping it. That must be the most patronizing thing you've ever said to me.

I think it is. I think your mustache is coming along. It's coming along. Because when I first knew you, you didn't really have to shave that's true that's true it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't something on your schedule that's right there's like a 19 maybe once a month i had to give it a quick glide yeah now i do have to do it every two days you were you were a monthly glider. That's right. I called it my time of the month when I had to shave.

Yeah, whereas now, as you say, every two days, I mean, that's, you know, as a rate increase. That's true. That is an improvement. Thank you. Thank you for your support.

Guys, do tweet your support. Let's get people talking. And one last bit of correspondence. It's a bit of a bit of tat and a bit of story from Carl. Ooh, lovely. I haven't had any tat for a while. Yes.

So Carl says, Dear Peas, greetings from New zealand founding fathers and first time writer sorry about all the uh stuff you said about new zealand back there we are fans really just uh not fans of the go go but you attitude that everyone outside of new zealand has for it yes everyone in new zealand is perfectly sane regarding their country. As opposed to us who get obsessed. One piece of tat. He says, however, Phil,

he won't be offended. You'll be glad to know because he says, I'm Austrian-Chinese. Huh? Well, well, well. I suppose we didn't have to apologize for the whole New Zealand thing after all. Austrian-Chinese.

Man, that is one authoritarian person. That is a stern guy. Cool, Austrian-Chinese. Coffee and tea. Carl, the Australian-Chinese. Yeah, coffee and tea carl the australian chinese yeah coffee and tea uh so he says i'm austrian chinese growing up in hong kong i'm more affiliated with my chinese side uh and uh he says people often had austria muddled with australia yeah and he says i thought it would be funny to educate people about the difference

between the two countries in an attempt to clarify the misunderstanding. During a visit of my Austrian family, I purchased a tote bag with the classic kangaroo road sign,

but captioned no kangaroos in Austria. This tote bag already exists. Oh, I'm looking at a picture of it right now, Phil. Wow, okay. Yeah. So it's a black tote bag already exists oh i'm looking at a picture of it right now phil wow okay yeah so it's a black tote bag yeah and on the side it has a yellow uh diamond like the kangaroo road sign you see in australia yeah and it says no kangaroos and then under the kangaroo silhouette in Austria. Okay. Very clear on its message. So he says, I was 16 and I was ashamed of this purchase for quite a while.

However, a bag is a bag and it did come in useful from time to time. A bag is a bag. That's that classic Austrian certainty. A bag is a bag. This is Austrian side coming out there, yeah.

It is nothing else. You've observed that it's a bag. It is a bag. So it says, a bag is a bag, it came in useful time to time uh he says i'm a teacher now and during the summer holiday i brought the bag to the office the principal saw my bag in the distance and complimented me for quote showing solidarity with our mates across the ditch i was confused for a second and quickly became embarrassed yeah for lame tat oh so the the ditch is what australians and nether zealands this equivalent of the pond for us is it

i think so yeah or the channel the ditch okay so he said he became embarrassed because the lame tat had nothing to do with the australian bushfires uh ah we had a chat and i'm sure that during the chat he had a closer look at the tat however he did not mention anything and kept it cool that's good of him yes so uh and he's got one poo story okay great uh or sort of a general vibe uh pool lifeguard is an uncool cool job. Pool lifeguard. Uncool cool. Yes, yes, because you're hench, you can swim, you're

active, but you're a prefect. Yeah, and you're the boss of the water. You're a fucking grass. You're a grass. You're a water cop. You're a water cop. You're a goddamn elevated snitch. Snitching on the ocean You're a wet snitch You're a wet snitch

Johnson He says pool lifeguard is an uncool cool job Having been in this occupation for seven years I have seen it all It was cool to be able to use my skills and make a difference in some life-threatening incidents however most incidents were not life-threatening most incidents involve feces yeah pool pool police pool pool police um it's a pool poo uh the pool poo po po

uh he says uh he says code brown in a spectrum of consistency color buoyancy

and quantity gosh yeah we have had a few members of the public rushed into the facilities with dripping shit from their trousers tracing from the streets

to our changing rooms. Go, go, go, go, go! Quick, get in the pool! Get him out of here! Yes. Other than cleaning up poo, we also had to deal with the pervs. The pervs?

Yeah, trespassing the dirty little boys and girls who were doing creepy things under the bubbles in the spa pool. Wow. Poo-poo-pooves. Poo-poo-pooves. Poo-poo-pooves for the poo-poo-poo-poo-poo. Oh, no. Okay, so they were pur... Okay, so you had to look out for

poos, pervs in the pool. Let me tell you what it's like to be a lifeguard, Jansen. It's poos and pervs. It's like drill sergeant. I bet you all thought it was going to be Baywatch. And the one thing you got to... And of course, the one thing you have to remember is a perv is a perv.

And a poo is a poo. Nothing more, nothing less. And they should be treated as such. There was a perv, you will remove the perv. Like you will remove the poo when there is a poo. Take the poo and put it in your bag. A bag is a bag and a poo is a poo Yes he says

In the dimmed light of the sauna And within the vapour of the steam room I have seen it all Gosh Perverts in the mist Oh no Having to fight your way through the steam To catch a presumably wanking man

Wow He doesn't say that Catch a pool predator Catch a pool Pin a pool predator Wow Okay He had to feel his way

He had to feel his way in the mist for a predator in the steam gosh pouring sweat like a jungle explorer oof yeah glad I'm no longer in this bum bum job hope you're well during the lockdown

keep hitting planes keep jacking it Keep hitting planes. Keep jacking it. Keep hitting planes. Is that a Kiwi thing? Or an Austrian thing? Is that the Austrian slang? Our metaphor for masturbation is hitting planes, because in both cases

it would be a disaster. There are two things you mustn't do. Hitting planes. There are two things you mustn't do Maybe we'll figure it out Thanks Carl Hope you're alright I wonder if he No he's in New Zealand Austrian Chinese

That's the first I've heard of it Carl Jung He could still be called Carl Jung. Yes, he could be Carl Jung. Yeah. He gets a lot of restaurant tables when he's in Austria. I thought he was dead. Well, he's coming tonight.

He looks different. Wait a minute. I thought he was dead. Well he's coming tonight. He looks different. Wait a minute. You're a lifeguard. Alright. I've got to go. Because I've moved the recording thing. Into my room. All my tech.

All my tech is now in one corner of my room. And you know what I've learned about my room, Phil, is that if you leave the window closed so that you can record Budpod and you leave the big computer on, it's not dissimilar to one of the hot little rooms that Carl was catching wanking people in. Right, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I understand. You must be sweating i'm gonna go and try and re-ventilate my hot little flat what are you gonna do uh for the rest of the day phil i'm off to record a tv show i'm going to in the studio for the first time since the lockdown began socially distant celebrities yes yes yes so that should be interesting and you probably can't tell us what it is but when will it be on the air do you know I don't know

I have no idea all right well just keep an eye on every channel yeah watch all the channels yeah just keep an eye on your TV guide there but a google alert for Phil Wang

television television and a thank you to a listener on twitter who was asking if we have a significant time delay when we're recording this we don't it's just that one or the other of us is just having a think yeah yeah i don't think people think enough on podcasts so i really give everything

a good think but i know what you mean sometimes i listen back to these podcasts and i go come on phil doesn't take that long is it and every every now and then when there's a really when there's like a really big gap i'd sometimes sometimes i will just i will edit it down it's also because we can't see each other so it's harder to tell when someone's actually done saying something you don't realize how much is sort of conveyed in in just facial expressions and physical demeanors you know yes if this was a sci-fi movie, it would turn out that one of us was just like a kind of, was long dead and

had just been recording a podcast with either a robot voice or their imagination. Yeah. Either way, it'd be a tragic, tragic conclusion. What a twist. What a twist. Alright, well, thanks, Dead Phil or Robot phil does not compute but um

i'll see you next week talk to you next week talk to you next week man talk to you all other people listening in next week bye enjoy bye try not to i'll try bye