BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 71 - The Mask(s)

Episode Date: July 15, 2020

The boys discuss public transport, wearing masks, Roger Stone, cancel culture, accessible bums, getting a full body scan and how Sherlock Holmes jerks his head aroundCorrespondence: the Jehovas witness a beetroot disaster. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 71! 71, um, I would say, Phil, the first, uh, the first good age to pass away. I think 71 still feels young. Well, I really hope that's not the case, because that's literally my father's age. Now. It's still young, but what I mean is, like, um, if you're 71, it's like, oh, you know, he got some of the 70s in there. Right, okay, he broke that decade. Yeah, whereas if it's 70, 69, anything in the 60s is young. 70, you go, he only just turned 70. 71, then it starts becoming, you know, debatable.

I think it's literally because the the number seven looks old it's all bent over it's crooked like i think if someone died in their 80s you'd go oh i mean 70s you go yeah that makes sense it just looks like a harsher number do you think yeah 70 dying in your 70s seems to be what happens to people who have, like, the unhealthiest healthy life. Right, right, right. Everyone's always like, yeah, they passed away when they were 75, but, you know, they're a big smoker, and you go, oh, right, yeah. Yeah, like, they're essentially fine, they just had a pint of whiskey before bed every night. Yeah, they did some weird fucking 1940s era health thing that will be ultimately blamed for killing them and blamed for prolonging them.

Yeah. Yeah. How are you, Phil? Are you feeling 71? 71 Heavenly Bun, which is what I will call my dim sum place. Nice, Heavenly Bun. Heavenly bun. Could you call it heavenly buns and have a sort of kind of anime cartoon of you

with your big butt cheeks sticking out and looking over your shoulder, thumbs up? I think heavenly bums would, the mascot would be a bun that's in the shape of a bum with an eye on each of the cheeks. Yes. And it's like got a thumb and it's pointing, it's giving a thumbs up to itself and it's on a plate with a halo little halo like yeah like it's all studio studio ghibli bun but it's also a bum yes and it's a bum and it's an angel because it's

heavenly that's right get the layers in. Come down to Heavenly Bum, where every dim sum is a delicious bum. Oh, look, I need to work on the marketing. Yeah. But I've got time, because I'm only opening it when I am myself 71 years old. Yes. Yes.

And speaking of the opening of establishments, are you wearing your mask, Phil? Have you got your mask? Not currently. I have a mask. It's just a very plain black mask. Nice, stylish. I might brave public transport for the first time on Monday. First time? Yeah, I've not been on any public transport for the first time on Monday. First time? Yeah, I've not been on any public transport since March.

Wearing your classic LBM, little black mask. Have you been on public transport? I have. I've been on the tube a few times to go see my, sort of nominally see my nephew. See your nephew? Yeah. Wow. see my see my sort of nominally see my nephew see your nephew yeah wow um i can tell you phil that it is very odd going on the tube in london having not been on it for sort of three or four months because you sort of forget about it and you forget that you live in london and you're sort of walking down the tunnels going oh yeah there's posters on the walls and then like a lot

of the posters are still the same that's quite weird yeah it's posters on the walls and then like a lot of the posters are still the same that's quite weird yeah it must be like the fucking the last of us going down there like posters for shows you can only imagine now like no one remembers what they were about yeah or they know 39 steps what on earth is step 39 steps that's not many steps. So there's a whole show about going up some steps. Ah, the past times were very strange. Yeah, and posters for like concerts that never happened and stuff. Really odd. Yeah, eerie, really zombie stuff.

So you're meeting your nephew in the tube. Have you decided on a train they're both going to catch? He's a tube driver. He's only two. Oh, nice, nice, nice, nice nice nice you know the union is so strong yeah yeah those trains basically drive themselves these days don't they um yeah it's really weird going on there and i can tell you phil on the tube i would say the number of people actually wearing masks is like half 60 is it not compulsory yep yes it is right but no one's enforcing it uh i can tell you that uh of some of the people i've seen not wearing masks one was

an actual tube employee and one and this i thought was particularly outrageous was um a uniformed british airways flight attendant oh great that's absolutely fantastic yeah i saw the i was on the same journey i saw the tube guy it was two dudes it was a dude who worked for the tube not wearing his mask yep and then it was a dude who worked for the flying tube in the sky and he wasn't wearing his mask and I was like guys you guys are both essentially you are coronavirus you basically work in coronavirus the guy who works in an airborne

germ festival basically yeah and not only that a guy who works in an industry like widely credited with the spread of HIV AIDS what the airline industry yeah flight attendants and pilots that's the that's the sort of widely believed conspiracy theory is that they they're the ones who got it traveling around the world they would because you know the whole thing with the lifestyle of the pilots and the flight

attendants it's just hotel shagathon Interesting Yeah Pilot visits a sex worker Brings it back to San Francisco That kind of thing You know that kind of thing Is this something your nephew's been telling you about? The dirty secrets of the transport industry Yeah, after a few pints You can't stop him, really

He says, don't get me started on those fucking flight attendants. Oh, you need to pull in here. Oh, sorry. Yeah, this is King's Cross. Get the fuck out. Wear your fucking masks, you cunts. Yeah. I wish that's what they were saying over the speakers.

But no, just all these people who essentially, their job might as well be to cough in your mouth, are not wearing a mask. Man, that's not a good sign, I would say. It's not a great sign. Also, of the people wearing masks, Phil, a lot of chin straps, a lot of people with their noses poking out. There's a great I think onion headline

or maybe reductress headline that was just this old guy with a face mask on his chin and the headline mask could not be less on man's face I've seen a lot of those around I don't understand how do they think it works

do they think it works? Do they think it's just to stop you kissing people and that kissing is the only way to spread the virus? I can only imagine the level of rage and skepticism they have at being told to just wear a fucking mask. That they think they're trying to be convinced

that it's a talisman. And so it's just like a magic charm. And so they're like, well, it's on my chin. If it's magic, itan. And so it's just like a magic charm. And so they're like, well, it's on my chin. If it's magic, it should work anywhere, right? This is the problem with the Western concept of individual freedom, Pierre. And I've always said this. You have?

I've always said this. People in the West value their freedom so much they're willing to put themselves and others at risk for it. Whereas in China, Japan, people were wearing masks already because they had less freedom. They didn't turn freedom into this fucking... Almost like... What's it one year when you have a strange sexual proclivity?

A fetish. A fetish. It's a freedom fetish in this country. It's disgusting. But also, in Japan, they have... In Japan, they have the freedom not to wear a mask, but they have shame. Yes.

Well, yet, they have a sort of self-imposed totalitarian culture. But in the UK, all the same people who flatter themselves that the UK used to have that, oh, in the old days, you'd have never had a, oh, I remember, oh, the Blitz was probably like this. They're the same ones who don't want to wear the masks. Yeah, the same people who,'t want to wear the masks yeah the same people who like bring back conscription bring back national service compulsory national service uh can you wear a mask no i have my rights yeah bring back compulsory national service blitz spirit and all that also the government can't tell me what to do or wear pick a team i think essentially their politics boils down to i want a private army i want a

personal army to fight things to do to fight for me i think i think their personal politics just boils down to i'm in favor of everything that punishes everyone else because i'm the main character it's it's like those people who like it's like the thing like you're not sitting in traffic you are traffic yeah but yeah a lot of people their rhetoric seems to boil down to everyone is so selfishly driving down the wrong side of this one-way road just constant whinging it's the whinging i can't stand like if you want to go all full like peter hitchens and write a huge article about how okay the masks might be necessary but in principle we should all just accept death because of some mad belief i have then it's like all right well

at least you know you're clearly insane but you're you have a belief system and stuff as opposed to just it's itchy on my face it's the whinging it's embarrassing and all this all this furore about having to wear them to go into shops it's like who goes into shops

what is this the 60s who's going into shops I found out this, the 60s? Who's going into shops? When I found out this news, I was like, I can't remember the last time we went to, even pre-COVID, the last time we went to a shop. Unless it's got wine and food in it, I'm not going to go in. What for?

I'm not going to go in there. I can't enjoy walking aimlessly around the supermarket unless I can breathe on the melons. There's just, and then like, essentially, they always, then they try and say like, oh, there's no medical reason to wear the mask or whatever. And you go, what about all the medical professionals who say it? And they go, well, I've made up my own facts in my head and they are different. So, you know, you have to respect that. Well, this is a real failure of the WHO, though,

because even the WHO, straight from the get-go, said there's no evidence that wearing a mask helps. So the WHO is saying it, you know. Well, that's the problem, is saying there's no evidence it helps doesn't mean it doesn't help, and also... That's right i mean this is a problem with people who are scientific assuming scientific understanding from others no you can't because you can't assume that the public know what words mean

you can't you genuinely can't when they go there's no evidence it helps that's like saying well we don't have any direct published scientific papers that putting your head in a fire is bad for you right no one's done that paper phil no one's published a paper statistically proving using peer-reviewed scientific techniques that putting your head in a fire is bad until today and that's why pierre is meeting his nephew that's right my nephew's done it um yeah exactly and you you can't assume that and also occam's razor gets to the point where it's like okay so you're not sure whether something that stops people coughing into each other's open mouths might stop by the coughing disease i'm

gonna bet on yes based the degree to which it stops it because if unless you're wearing an n95 a lot of particles are just going to go through the side or go through the fabric it'll slow down it'll like the it'll slow down the main body of of the breath it'll probably it'll reduce the two meters to like one meter something but you know it's still flying about just wear the mask it's probably worth doing it's probably worth doing also like the who is the same guys who in january and february were like don't worry it can't pass from human to human yeah i mean it's not been there a year really and who also congratulated china on handling it so well it's yeah yeah yeah you kind of you kind of go what what are you for then, really? What's this for?

What's this organization for? Yeah. I'm going to go all Trump on the WHO now. Yeah, well, this is it. Oh, on non-depressing apocalypse news, have you watched the Netflix documentary Get Me Roger Stone? No. Okay, you must must and you need to roger stone is the guy who donald trump just commuted the sentence of

oh yeah the guy who was uh i'm not familiar with this story he lied to he lied to congress and obstructed stuff to do with the inquiry into the russian hacking and and when you commute someone you transport them to work every day is that what he's done that's that's it yeah okay yeah basically no he's he's commuted his sentence he hasn't he hasn't um he hasn't pardoned him he's commuted his sentence but i need you to watch this phil because roger stone is the closest thing to a action and dresses like an actual batman villain i've ever seen in my life. Okay, and we'll look up his face now. He does it deliberately.

He does it deliberately. But he's such a committed, hardcore, right-wing Republican that at the age of 19, Phil, he was involved as an object of the inquiry in the Watergate scandal. Wow. He had to give evidence to the Senate committee at 19 because he was part of the campaign. Well, again, I can't help but have respect

for someone who knows what they want to do straight away. Yeah. They're born and they're like, I'm going to be part of some heinous shit and I'm going to love it. You've got to watch this documentary because they sat there interviewing him and he's like, yeah, I do whatever I want. And if you complain, it's just because I want.

He's the most straightforwardly malicious person I've ever seen. And he talks about becoming like a Barry Goldwater conservative at the age of like 12. It's amazing. It makes Jacob Rees-Mogg look like, you know, Damon Albarn. And I mean, I know nothing about this story. So I'm just looking at it now. Roger Stone, he was involved in the Mueller investigation. Well, he was a subject of it, yeah. Subject of the Mueller investigation and he was found guilty

of... Oh, no, he's been accused of... Well, he's found guilty. He's imprisoned. Okay. And to commute a sentence is to, what, shorten it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay.

Hmm. I suppose he might highly... I suppose Trump might as well help his buddies out now while he can. Well, I mean, normally you wait to the end of your presidency and then you just pardon everyone. That's what Ford did to Nixon, but... Just type in Roger Stone image search.

I need you to see what this guy looks like because it's astonishing yeah I've had to look yeah I mean he's also got a Nixon back tattoo I mean you can see why it's called Roger Stone he literally looks like he's made out of like

you know the collected pieces of other people's tombstones. And pasted together the cement. What is it about American, like Washington DC political figures? Where do they all go to get their ice white hair carved into a perfect sort of dome? Yeah. Honestly, how does that happen there must be a barber that only does like like all the washington dc barbers were like all the congressmen and senators go when you become a congressman or senator then like your your senior

congressman or junior you're the junior must just be like by the way this is where you go to get your hair done like a um well like a wooden a wooden puppet i wonder how much brill cream donates to the republican party just because they alone are keeping them in business do you do you think that if they suddenly get lobbied really heavily by the dry styling wax lobby, they'll get all cool surfer bed hair? And the politics suddenly follow suit. Mitt Romney suddenly... Legalizing weed. Mitt Romney suddenly looks like he runs a fairly hipstery taco truck on Long Beach somewhere. kind of like fairly hipstery taco truck on a long beach somewhere well i mean he's turned out to be one of the decent ones which is fucking crackers that's

how much the overton window has shifted as they say yeah well i mean that's that's it makes it doubly funny when you find that old picture of him and donald trump having dinner and donald trump they're all underlit by a candle and Donald Trump looks like an evil Halloween pumpkin and Mitt Romney looks tense but they all endorsed him they're all busy going like well this is outrageous and then they just keep voting

in favor of everything he does I thought Mitt Romney is one of the few rebels he is now but he wasn't during the election I mean he knew did not enough stuff about Donald rebels he is now but he wasn't during the election i mean he knew that like did not enough stuff about donald trump come out during the election to show that he was a dangerous maniac was it a subtle issue yeah i just don't think these guys should be given credit for

like belatedly admitting that maybe it wasn't a good idea to shit in their own bed but it's still better to do that than to stick to their guns it makes as much difference either way but that's what i'm saying is that a lot of the ones who criticize them still vote for the policies that that his republican party proposed so they are sticking to their guns they're just not saying the same stuff even john mccain was still voting completely along party lines on almost everything well i guess fundamentally fundamentally the republican party's in charge and they can finally do what they want i mean they could then now that they don't have the what's it the uh the house

yeah well they i mean they can still broadly do what they want but is that the whole thing of going like well this is simply disgraceful and then just still voting through all the same stuff you go well it can't be that disgraceful you still you haven't done anything to stop it being disgraceful well politics is compromised pierre as we've said compromise in one direction ideally um have you been have you had the time to watch any sort of documentaries movies have you added any more to the the movies phil's has seen but he should have seen earlier list uh no i've just been re-watching rick and morty like an incel like a horrible little sexless goblin I've been just consuming Rick and Morty it's just so good it's so good

it's such a shame it's following can be a little obnoxious but it's just such a good show have you rewatched it from the start? yeah really? the whole thing from the start?

yeah it's not too much Yeah. Really? The whole thing from the start? Yeah, I'm not... It's not too much, is it? It's just a nice length of thing to watch while you eat or jack off or whatever, you know. Yeah, I guess so. I so rarely... I mean, I only re-watched Arrested Development the other day, which is supposedly...

Or it sort of has the reputation for being the most re-watchable thing because of how dense it is and it is very but it's all that i mean i had to take a long break before i could re-watch a comedy i think interesting interesting huh maybe i should yeah i should i should watch some things for the first time. I've still never seen Apocalypse Now. Oh, really? No, I've never seen that. It's just so long. I go, oh, I'll finally watch...

Oh, no, I think I mentioned Alien, didn't I? That might have been the last. Yeah, you finally watched Alien. Yeah, it was pretty good. It's pretty good it's pretty good it just helps so much it's just so much better when there's actually a physical monster there you watch a movie now and it's all just fucking pixels and you go well i know they're not there they know they're not there i feel silly for sitting in the cinema pretending with everyone that there's an alien there obviously there isn't yeah there's just no weight to it

uh but yeah i mean my entertainment now is just going on twitter getting really angry screenshotting stuff driving myself insane and then i have lunch and then i look at something else drives me insane and i read something that galvanizes my point of view, and I feel good, and then I have dinner, and then I go to sleep, and that's pretty much it. That's the irony, is that you could have watched Apocalypse Now so many times during your anger. Exactly, so many times. Yeah, it's very hard to be able to stop and say to yourself,

I know I'm about to go on a sort of hour and a half two hour twitter horror scroll so i should like i could i should literally just go and watch a 90 minute film that would that would feel like more of a waste of my time because i know what it is it's a film or it's twitter it's like who knows what could pop up maybe an article well that's already happened but twitter's got good just like a show that was rubbish for a bit it's got good again because now everyone's talking about cancel culture which is my favorite thing to talk about and read about and we talk about it so i feel like it's gone mainstream because we we talk about we've been talking about uh being cancelled for years on here now for it's true we've been talking about uh being cancelled for years on here

now for it's true we've been talking about cancel culture on this podcast since before this podcast even started we've been talking about it so what have you what have you found that's been particularly delicious about cancel culture on twitter because all i've seen is basically the same tweets about people saying it exists or it doesn't well that's that's what i love so much what why what really gets me going is people saying cancel culture doesn't exist and it's a figment in the imagination of desperate bigots and it's always from this claim that cancel culture doesn't exist it's always from the same people who tell you not to gaslight anyone and that lived experience is the only proof we need to believe someone's experience of trauma but if you tell them i lost my job oh that's no that's not a valid trauma and you you people are just letting themselves be heard this is just the

response the natural response it's fucking crackers man and then i guess the argument of these people who say cancel culture doesn't exist is they go well you could always get another job you aren't physically dead and it's like well yeah but it's still pretty bad to get fired from your job or the other argument that you're not being censored the government hasn't said you he hasn't censored you but of course the government is the only isn't the only thing that can censor you the public can censor you society can censor you if yeah i mean if if your views are deemed to be sufficiently out of step with society then you will be censored by a kind of mass act really doesn't mean you have to have a radio station it's funny isn't it because before the internet

for society to mass censor you, like, let's say in the 1970s, you were like a neo-Nazi and you had a neo-Nazi radio station. If they banned the radio station, it would be because of sort of offense laws or something, because no one would have been listening to it. And you could never really argue like, like, like for you to get censored say in america as someone who's like a neo-nazi it would just be everyone ignoring you because you were never going to reach that many people anyway whereas now that we have the internet a tweet could technically reach everyone in the world so i think people feel more like they're being cut off from something more powerful.

Interesting. Because before you could have mass media like that, some village neo-Nazi can't be like, well, they won't even let me on CNN. Right, right, right, right, right. And it's like, well, yeah, why would they? You're a loon. Most people don't want to see you on CNN.

Stick to your newsletters that you keep putting into the dust jackets of books about American history or whatever the fuck neo-Nazis do in their spare time. Things like that. Pathetic acts of activism. But I think this modern form of censorship that we're talking about isn't that sort of active censorship of everyone stop following this person on Twitter so they can't reach you. It's sort of preemptive censorship of the self because of fear of the professional and financial repercussions of expressing yourself. Well, that's the interesting thing is that the next stage of this is going to be when people decide that their employee is valuable enough. people decide that their employee is valuable enough like like eventually corporations are going to realize that they could actually say yeah we're not going to fire them they don't have to immediately give in to like a 10 minute long twitter swarm about

xyz it's interesting that corporate i found it fascinating that corporations have been like so vulnerable to protest for good or bad reasons so far i'm always amazed because it's just like it's a company that sells you know fucking hot dogs or whatever and now it's been convinced by some tweets to to donate to a charity or to to do anything i'm amazed that they obviously it's all pr but still it's pr and obviously they've analyzed the market and found that it's beneficial for them to follow suit in this one case and also like what do they have to risk they've they've fired a low-level employee you know yeah that's it they've got nothing to lose and and and a good bit of PR

to gain so why wouldn't they like do you see this story about a guy I think in America is a truck driver and someone got him filmed him on the phone like the truck driver was cutting the guy up in traffic or something and he and the guy in filming him was shouting at him and the truck driver just replied back yeah all right all right and did like the nice sign with his fingers in a loop you know oh he did the he did the um the diving like the the scuba diving okay symbol, didn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like neat, but that symbol,

that emoji especially has become associated with the alt-right. And so this person posted the video saying, this guy gave me an alt-right hand gesture as he cut me off in traffic. And the trucking company, they just fired him. They fired this guy. And so now- Did they say it was for the hand symbol,

or did they say it was for cutting someone off in traffic? I'm not so sure about cutting someone off in traffic. There's some sort of traffic altercation, but a minor one. But yeah, no, it was expressly because it was for the hand signal that he was fired. And so people say, cancel culture doesn't exist these millionaires are still millionaires it's like well yeah because those are the only targets you're aware of yeah well this is it and and they're the main targets that get to complain

about it in in newspaper articles because people are more interested in their opinion because they're millionaires yeah what what kind of i'm trying to think of examples of when employees have been like just too important for the company to to bow to this and they've just the company coming dominic coming yeah of course and and and he's been proven right when he refused like watching that i i thought to myself as long as you don't say sorry you'll be fine and he didn't say sorry no mea culpa at all he knew something else bigger was going to come up and it did yeah and no one cares anymore no one cares he and he understands that you like you know say what you like about dominic cummings he understands online mania he understands the the the you know the the fluid dynamics of modern rage culture and he knew he would pass yeah and he was absolutely right and also he was indispensable

it's a it's amazing isn't it that the how how soon we forget yeah but that's kind of it all over isn't it i mean if you look at donald trump and boris johnson they both managed to get elected and chosen as their party's candidate despite um everyone going over all the horrifying things that they've done and said and everyone just went okay because it was it was like do you think it's because there's too much like there's just too many things with yeah with donald trump is like where do you start and because everything he does is only can only be judged in relation to the last thing he did he did and he just keeps upping the ante you lose track yeah it's like a sort of goldfish thing isn't it yeah i mean i've always i've thought for a few years that actually the most dangerous result of the donald trump presidency

is that he's shown what you can get away with and so forever now politicians and us in the public know understand what you can get away with and what society is actually willing to put up with that's the most interesting thing i saw um i saw a good tweet about the shame i mean this comes back to the mask thing and shame um amber rudd the the hostile environment windrush uh scandal causing mp yeah she's still just like tweeting and like ha ha ha and you know on the in the public eye and the tweet was like if i was responding huh i'm sorry she's got like a cutesy radio show on times radio now i i swear she's yeah she does i think and the pictures of her like and you know and it's like I don't think

if you're a politician you shouldn't be allowed you know a career afterwards but I think I think you should exercise some propriety I think if you're responsible for British citizens being deported to a country they're not from and

don't live in who then die I mean what I'm unclear about is how responsible she was as opposed to Theresa May. Wasn't Theresa May Home Secretary when a lot of these deportations happened? Theresa May was Home Secretary when they started the hostile environment policy, but I believe most, if not all,

of the Windrush deportations were under Amber Rudd. I see, I see, I see. She was certainly the one left carrying the can and sort of enhanced it and kept it going. But either way, this tweet was saying, if you're responsible for something as horrifying as that, such a big scandal, you spend the rest of your life in a fucking monastery.

You wouldn't be like, boop, boop, boop, just making fun fuck jokes with your odd daughter on twitter I sure hope that's not a dick in your pussy young lady that kind of thing it's so gross guys if you're listening and you haven't seen the really odd

sex tweets between Amber Rudd and her her daughter um i recommend them just because i can't they're quite they're so unsettling in a way that i find quite hard to because part of it is like cool parent vibe like hey if you're gonna smoke a doobie make sure you do it in the in the in the lounge not in the street kids like there's a bit of that to it i i hate parents who speak openly about sex to their children. It's revolting. It's not right. It has to stop.

They should... I think if you're a parent who talks openly to your kids about sex, you should be put on a register. And not as bad, as severe as a sex offender's register, but like... A new register. Just like an icky yeah icky register can we have an icky register there's no one's done anything outright illegal but there's something a bit icky about what they do yes i think yeah what does icky stand for or it's it's an it's a it's an acronym, is it? Yeah, it's got to be. The International Criminal... The International Criminally Kooky Yuppies.

I mean, it doesn't exactly work, but... You start with a word and you figure out the acronym later. That's right. Isn't that right? Yuppies Yuck. Something like Yuck. Yuck. word and you figure out the acronym later that's right isn't that right something about yuck yeah um yuck young under consequences of kookiness not many words start with k it turns out yeah yeah yeah intentionally creepy kooks yuck well that's that's ick isn't it

intentionally creepy kooks i like that yeah ick the ick register the ick register there we go you heard it here first folks amber rudder's on the ick register oh mate it's because what are we talking about um shame shame shame online recommendation speaking of uh online um you guys have been uh you listeners have been very good to me on my Twitch stream. Age of Empires 2 yesterday went very nicely. Great. Very therapeutic to play a video game from your childhood. I couldn't watch it.

I was watching Rick and Morty, I'm afraid, but I'll try and catch it ASAP. You were trying to find out more tweets about J.K. Rowling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, what were you saying? Yeah saying it's it's yeah it's a very nostalgic playing those old games oh it feels nice nice to play oh it feels great very soothing the sound effects the noises the the the music i mean. Gosh, we must really send you back. Were you Age of Empires 2, kid? Yeah.

I just went on. I put in the cheat code for the racing car that shot bullets. It's really powerful. And you drive around an ancient battlefield and just shoot pellets at a wall yeah that was the best oh man it's so much fun i highly recommend dipping your toe back into it phil it was also like it's like you it was at the age where you were convinced these things these people had to surely be living inside your computer like they were getting up they're chopping down wood they were turning wood into things

and it was magical it was like it was really going on oh man, it's just the best and you sort of think like you do start to sort of go, oh no, the guy who I sent to build that building got shot with arrows and you're like, oh

god, I let you down man I'm going to miss that guy I'm going to miss that guy. I'm going to miss that guy. I thought we had a good thing going, me and that guy. Yeah, we were getting along. He had a farm. I already knew where I was going to build the farm for him to retire to. Yeah. You got back into your garden and you you bury

your CD and you give him a little gravestone yeah here lies shirtless but wearing trousers man number 37 yeah and at the end of your prayer to his grave you go you do the sound effect.

Yeah, or like as the coffin is lowered, it goes, generic death noise. Maybe I should have to start a Twitch now. Do you think people will watch a Twitch of me just applying athlete's foot spray onto my feet? Because I do that a lot. I think certain people would. Yeah, some people pay good money for that.

I've had people on the Twitch chat saying you have to tell Phil to do a Twitch. Okay, interesting. Have I missed the boat now? I feel like everyone's already... I can't get in on the ground anymore. It's kind of... Twitch has been around since like 2013, though. That's interesting.

That's a good point. Well, earlier, I think. Besides, I mean, you already have a following. I mean, you won't have to build it from the ground up to nearly the extent that I will, or even Bill L. I mean, Bill L. Zafar is a very funny comedian. He's got a great Twitch channel concept where he's the manager

of a football team a fake football team and he plays um he plays pro evo soccer i think two like an old one and he does like team talks and halftime match talks and he like green screens himself into all the scenarios and he's wearing a suit and tie it's very funny i was watching it last night i need to watch that but it looks so deep now there's so many references to it i feel like i'm trying to watch the sopranos starting series five or something it looks it's got such a rich world built around his twitch now no it's good it's it's it's it's it's only because you're seeing like the tip of the meme iceberg the rest is accessible content much like this podcast that's right

because your bum is always accessible that's that's the beauty of our podcast your your your bum's always accessible that's what i always say if you've got arms your bum's accessible keep your bum accessible now that that might get you on that might get you on the ick register yeah if you say that too much if i say it around my nephew yeah that's gonna get you on the ick register definitely son i've only got one piece of advice for you if you meet a special boy or girl when you're older keep your bum accessible don't get one of those arrogant highfalutin bums pretentious bums that normal your average normal silent majority voter can and can't understand

i might be going on holiday soon pierre what i might be getting on Holiday soon Pierre What? I might be getting on a fucking plane In this economy I know right Are you going to be on the plane with the unmasked Steward Maybe but apparently

I know someone who's just flown to France And you have to wear your mask the whole time Except for when you're eating which is good of them I guess so yeah although maybe they should just serve you soup and you just have to sieve the soup up through your mask

that would be the safest way surely or maybe like yeah yeah you just have to like put your head in there like a pig in a trough and i or maybe they should just do like um you know that thing where before they get you on the plane they take you out of the waiting room but then they put you in just like another waiting room for no reason um in that waiting room they should just be like right you're you all get into like a

little cubicle or they put like a disinfected sheet over everyone and under the sheet you have to eat a fucking sandwich you have to eat enough for the entire duration of the flight so if it's like yeah a 13 hour flight you just have to eat like three roast dinners just in one go just come on come on sir come on madam quick quick get on get on get on and you just sit on the plane and like a camel with a front yeah front hump i think if it's an under if it's an under three or four hour flight i think it's it's entirely fair for an airline to go you're a grown-up you should have eaten by now yeah i think it's fair for them to say this is you know what at a certain point this is your problem keep your fucking mask on but i mean i mean by sign from the mask there's no separation between the seats there's no barriers up it's yeah it's mad it's mad also I'm annoyed because I've got the antibodies

and now there's all these studies coming out that the antibodies go away after like six months not years really six months well I don't know it was like a matter of months but it wasn't like SARS you can keep them for like five years oh god why didn't you get SARS Pierre

I always told you get SARS boy you want to make it in this life you get SARS you don't waste your time with any of these lesser coronaviruses Phil was telling me this jabbing

chopsticks at me from across the table in a Chinese restaurant that we were at yeah mouth full you want to make it in this world kid jabbing chopsticks at me from across the table in a Chinese restaurant that we were at. Yeah, mouthful. You want to make it in this world, kid? You get SARS. I got SARS when I was eight years old, and I never looked back. Mainly because one of the symptoms is I really constrain your neck muscles. But it's been invaluable.

The virus eats the hindsight part of your brain I'm sorry man I hope you're making the most of your Immunity As short lived as it might be Yeah I should fly somewhere Dangerous and kiss a bat Show that bat you love it while you still can Yeah, I should fly somewhere dangerous and kiss a bat.

Show that bat you love it while you still can. I really worry the COVID pandemic is going to have a real negative effect on the bat food economy. Yeah. Are all those bat burger shops, are they going to stay in business? I don't think so after this It's been terrible publicity Well I mean Are they going to have to redesign Batman because his mouth Is the one bit he doesn't cover

Of course It's Batman what done it Yeah Are you swooping around coughing on people from a rope? You're right the bat costume is the opposite of a face mask yes he's even got clubs is the direct opposite of a face mask batman's mocking everyone's lack of ppe with his almost perfect safety suit oh man um you you still feel they're talking today about long covid the long-term symptoms of covid which you think you have um yeah to an extent i mean i i kept

getting piercing headaches and fatigue and nausea like once every two weeks for about another four to six weeks after i quote unquote finished my coronavirus you sure that wasn't just whenever we were recording this podcast it's weird once every week for like about an hour i just feel a nausea and a headache i feel irritable i think about poo a lot I think about poo a lot. No, it was weird. And the main thing is my lungs.

I seem to be short of breath easier, and I've used my inhaler a lot more. So I kind of feel like something's happened to the old lung bags. But I don't know. I'd love a scan if anyone could spare one one i will never get one through the nhs um they'll never offer you a scan just because you reckon your lungs are fucked i'm not sure what a scan would pick up of a of a tight chest no i just want to know if it's scarring scarring yeah that's what the um a lot of covered patients have been getting because you get micro clotting in your lung tissue yeah and the scarring doesn't like that's what pneumonia does for you as well and it can be permanent i don't know yeah i don't know i would just love like but then i've

always i've always imagined how great it would be just to have some kind of full body mega scan just to just to get everything up to date just to know the lay of the land. Just an MOT. Yeah, an MOT, exactly. And they just go, well, you know, your lungs are like this. That's what we know now. Now that's our base level. That's what I heard someone say once.

You can just pay £1,000 in the private sector and they'll just give you a full check-over. I mean, that's just medical, I guess. I've heard that. Like a deep inspection inspection like just getting some surveyors in to kick the tires definitely something you can get in the states but you want it to be like a one of those scans where they like have a 3d version of your whole body you know yeah and they they put up a hologram of you, and you're doing, like, a jumping jack shape. But it's, like, a blue version of you. You can see all your veins, and it's slowly spinning around.

And the doctor goes, you see this here? That's your gallbladder. It's okay. Or whatever. Yeah, you see this weird vein? That's why you can't run so good. You see this huge rock? That's why you've been feeling heavy recently.

There's a huge rock in your leg. Yeah, you want the blue shape spinning and for the loads of little captions and white squares to appear and zoom in on bits and you want the captions to be written in english and chinese like for something from sherlock that's a man that i don't know if you've recently watched any of sherlock of bened Benedict Cumberbatch pretending to go through his mind palace, but it's some of the funniest acting you'll ever see in your life.

Really? He looks like he's having a stroke. He's just closing his eyes and just like jerking his head around. Like that's what geniuses do. He looks like a dog with rabies. And at the time everyone's like, wow, this is such an ingenious use of the visual form to show a guy who's going through his most complex thoughts and computational skills.

It's really funny. It's really funny. I forgot that there was that bit where it's like he moves his head around like he's going, oh, oh, that stuff inside a big palace. That's it, yeah, yeah. Like he just heard footsteps in his house. Oh, oh, ah, but they're his own thoughts. He's being surprised by a little alabaster statue in his memory palace.

I'd forgotten that, yeah. Whoa, ah. That would be a funny thing to see through the window of a library All the students working just Just everyone looks like they're being tasered Well, funnily enough, that is

how we read our correspondence It's true So let's get Pierre in that frame of mind now is how we read our correspondence. It's true. So let's get Pierre in that frame of mind now. I lie back and I close my eyes and I go... And they just come to him. And Pierre's in floating words. Like the Oracle of Delphi.

We just chain Pierre up to the ground completely naked and the spirits take him and he gets all your emails it's pretty neat and it's in slow motion like in 300 i'm the scribe i have to sit down there and write down his garbled words and i have to rearrange them raw chickens underground fight club I'm like Okay let me just get this down

Correspondence Okay Correspondence It is Just time for one from Gary Gary Is he scary? Well let's find out

Depends on the content of his correspondence It's funny isn't it There's some stuff that only rhymes in American It's Gary and scary Gary It's just other names here. Harry. And that's it.

Larry. But it's like when Americans say Harry Potter. Huh? Carrie. That's a word. That's a word. Yeah. How do Americans say Harry Potter?

It's just other names. Yeah. Like when Americans say Harry Potter, it's just other names When Americans say Harry Potter It's like Harry Harry Potter Harry God those When will they learn?

Okay Gary says I'm unsure about this combo Dear Adolf Schittler and Poodolf the brown-nosed stained deer Those two go together Well, they're just German names

I think that is the only connection I can see Rudolph and Adolf He should have said That's the only connection I can see. Rudolph and Adolf. He should have said Adolf Schittler and Poodolf Hess. That would be good. Poodolf Piss. Or Poodolf Mess.

Poodolf Mess. But yeah, that's good, that's good. But maybe Gary just has very interesting opinions about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Yeah, maybe. Maybe he believes Rudolph is hiding a lot more than we know about. Maybe he thinks Rudolph is currently in disguise in Argentina or something. Or he has even more disturbing opinions on Hitler He's always thought Hitler was

The underdog And just needs to be given a chance To show the world how Bright his nose can glow Maybe So Gary says Now that we're all running on virus time I have time to email my favourite podcast About the most sinful blasphemous shit of my life

well it's good to know that this pandemic has a silver lining yeah a brown lining a brown lining he says uh i have always prided myself on my english stiff upper bowel. That's just constipation, isn't it? Stiff upper bowel, boys. But even the most stoic of guts most occasionally embrace the sweet release of a dishonorable discharge.

Wow, that's very good. A dishonorable discharge. Very good. Very good. Uh, as a lazy teenager growing up in the suburban home counties, I was used to walking everywhere. Doesn't sound so lazy. Hmm. If that's his idea of lazy, he should see me.

Yeah. You don't walk anywhere. You just roll. I just crumple to the ground like a bag of meat and let gravity do the rest. And if it's uphill, the crumpled bag of meat that you become will just go, please, uphill, please, until someone drags you. That's right. Or I wait for erosion to do its part.

Yes. As a lazy teenager growing up in the suburban home counties, I was used to walking everywhere and as such would follow any route into town that could shave a few minutes off my journey time. One such shortcut would lead me down a side street parallel to the main road,

home only to some townhouses and the local Jehovah's Witness Center. As the naughty little boys and girls we were, my friends and I soon noticed that the Jehovah's Witness Center. As the naughty little boys and girls we were, my friends and I soon noticed that the Jehovah's Witness hall was usually empty and started sneaking behind it to smoke reefers. Oh, brilliant. Hey, Jehovah, witness this. Ba-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-da.

Ba-ba-da-da-da-da. Can you see it from your watchtower? There you go. We noticed that Jehovah only seemed to require worshippers to witness him on a Tuesday and would find somewhere else for our decadence on those nights. That's considerate. Yeah. Several months later, after a beetroot

heavy meal oh yeah I can see where this is going I was on my way to town to meet some friends what kind of cool teenager who smokes bifters has a beetroot heavy meal it's quite a funny contrast

I guess it's healthy I don't know I thought they would only eat It's quite a funny contrast. I guess it's healthy. I don't know. I thought they would only eat rock and roll CDs and fags. And a chain on our wallet. I don't know. Sorry guys, I can't come out tonight. I'm eating beetroot.

Yeah, you know. You know it's more important than anything. Right guys, I'm going to go home that I get my beetroot intake. Right, guys. I'm going to go home, have myself a beetroot feta vinaigrette salad, and then it's time to smoke up some Billy Bifters near the Jehovah's Witness building. I quite like this. I like that lifestyle.

But he's just going to get munchies and he's going to have to hunt down more beetroot. That's right right More fresh produce Several months later after a beetroot heavy meal I was on my way to town to meet some friends Upon reaching the aforementioned street My gut broke out into whale song Everyone in town had a really good night's sleep that night. Yeah.

I was about to say, on a side note, as a teenager, I had terrible trouble sleeping. I mean, I still kind of do. And I was like, oh, that's the thing in movies or whatever, the whale song. It is the least relaxing sound. They all sound like they're in terrible distress. Yeah, it's not relaxing to hear an aquatic beast going oh the largest animal on planet earth it's not relaxing just screaming in the bottomless depths of the sea is that not relaxing to you ah to relax you here's a sound of the devil hitting an anvil.

In the pits of hell. No. God, it was horrible. Just this like groaning and squeaking. No, not relaxing. Anyway. Anyway. My gut broke out into whale song

As I quite literally felt a sinking feeling In my stomach Knowing I was shit out of luck I ran towards the Jehovah's Witness building Each step pressing against the seams of my colon This would be amazing This is the story of his conversion To Jehovah Witnesses

That kindness They showed me that day I've written today to tell you about The good news Jehovah Witnesses. That kindness they showed me that day. I've written in today to tell you about the good news. The good news in your case? There's a toilet. Sorry. Yes, running towards the Jehovah's Witness building,

each step pressing against the seams of my colon. I love that. Seams. I quickly checked my pockets and to my relief, found one old McDonald's napkin. Oh gosh. The Pooh's cyanide capsule, Phil. That's what I'd call that.

One old McDonald's napkin. This gave me the confidence to drop my trousers and begin shitting down the wall. Oh no. So he's in the wall of an alley? Or is it the wall of the building? It sounds like the wall of the Jehovah's building.

Oh no, mate. Oh... I hope it was the wall of the Jehovah's building. Oh no, mate. Oh, I hope it was the wall of the... Fortunately, they were all out knocking on other people's doors, but... So, um... Began shitting down the wall. Just as I started to relax, I heard several cars entering the car park, followed by jolly Ned Flanders-style chat. As the horrible realization suddenly dawned on me that it was a Tuesday night

oh no oh great I cleaned up the purple shit with my not very absorbent napkin faster than you could say Dick Shittington and pulled my trousers up I mean if you're religious that has to be a bad omen to to find runny feces on your

place of worship yes or or just a hate crime i suppose just a classic hate crime i guess i i i suppose if they're like in need you need to sort of is anyone that good a christian if they just immediately go oh my god but come in and use the loo to clean yourself up? We'll just hose that down. I mean, this is the ultimate test of Christianity, isn't it? Wilt thou take in the shitter upon thy temple? I think that is one of the ten, not commandments, rhetorical questions.

People don't know this, but there were ten rhetorical questions next to the ten, not commandments, rhetorical questions. People don't know this, but there were ten rhetorical questions next to the Ten Commandments. Maybe we'll never talk about those. Yeah, the first one is, do I look like I'm joking? Which actually explains a lot of God's actions in the Old Testament.

That kind of attitude. Yes, yes. The shitter who doth shat uponst thine temple wall didst rear back and throw back his hood and reveal himself to be Gabriel. Ark shitter. The Ark shitter. The ark shitter. So he's desperately using the not absorbent napkin and pulling his pants up just in time for the

outdoor lights to come on to the sound of curious footsteps. Oh no. I used to listen to all of the flute records of Curious Footsteps. One of the best, I'd say. He was a wonderful folk musician, Curious Footsteps. Yeah, he moved into folk with a lot of unusual collaborations.

Yeah. And, of course, he was sampled, or at least the trill of his flute was sampled on on it's it's sampled by Eminem

mhm not a lot of people know that so curious footsteps approach The light comes on Hey what are you doing out here Inquired a peeved worshipper Oh nothing I was a bit lost I replied in a startled tone

A look of exasperation spread across I was a bit lost So I just did a shit here To mark it to know I've been here And so if I see this shit again I know I've been here and so if I see this shit again I know I've turned back on myself If I get lost I behave like an animal in the woods. I need a trail

Yeah, I'm basically a fecal Hansel and Gretel right now Yeah Okay, so this is not what happens but what I thought was going to happen is he says I was a bit lost and then they go, ah brother we are all lost and they invite him in that's not what happens so what are you doing out here in quite a peeved

oh nothing I was a bit lost I replied in a startled tone a look of exasperation spread across the man's face as he walked towards the putrid mess I wasn't born yesterday oh oh goodness he cried well he said I wasn't born yesterday oh oh goodness he cried well he said i wasn't born yes i didn't cut himself off to say oh goodness yeah yeah hey look i wasn't born yet oh my god i was born yesterday

born again now oh man wasn't oh man oh goodness that's a great reaction fair play to him for not swearing even in that moment yeah I mean that's the real test yeah amazing oh goodness he cried

at this point my fight or flight response kicked in and I managed to sprint away, red-faced and purple-bottomed Right, so it's not so much his fight or flight instinct that kicked in But his flight instinct that kicked in Yeah, shite and flight Okay, so he just ran away Oh my goodness I heard him tell a fellow churchgoer

To call the police but at that point I had decided the damage was done and that fleeing the scene Was still the best course of action Yeah probably After about 20 minutes of non-stop running I decided that I had probably escaped And continued to meet my friends Who seemed concerned by my sweaty, shame-filled expression. I told them I hadn't been feeling very well, which wasn't entirely untrue.

The following morning, I was struck with renewed embarrassment as I realized that the main road, which was about 30 seconds' walk away from the Jehovah's Witness Hall, was filled with pubs, cafes, restaurants, all no doubt with toilet facilities far superior to shitting down the side of a cold building. Yeah, one can't help but assume you targeted that place for philosophical

and political reasons. It doesn't look good. It doesn't look good. I had desecrated a place of worship for the mildest of conveniences. Later that week, I convinced my friends that police had become aware of the old ganja spot, and we stopped going there. Nicely done. It was about eight years later that I dared to walk past the building again,

and even then I couldn't help but shuffle my feet furtively. I rarely eat beetroot these days and when I do I make sure to do so in the comfort of my own home oh gosh it would have been red maybe maybe this the Jehovah's Witness said oh my goodness because it looked like a murder

scene if it's all beetroot red shit oh they thought it was yeah they thought he was... Yeah, they thought he was, like, really, really sick. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he had stigmata of the ass. Go. Touch my ass.

Do you not believe it is me? Terrible. Terrible, blasphemous thing for me to have said. Oh, well. But then that's more bad on the Jehovah's Witnesses, isn't it? Because it's like, my God, this man is terribly sick in the bum. Don't call the police, call the ambulance if you see that. Yeah, maybe if he'd hung around, he would have heard him go, Oh my goodness, my child.

Come in, please. We must bandage up your bum. There's no time. You are bleeding from the ass. Are they against blood transfusions? Is that the Jehovah's Witnesses? Ooh. Ooh, they might be, you know.

Yeah. I'm going to quickly look it up. I think they are. I'm pretty sure it's them. JW blood transfusion. They are against them. So they're even more concerned about all the blood pouring out of his ass. Because you only have so much

if you're a Jehovah's Witness. Well, he's not going to get it back from anyone else No It's coming out of his ass Well I'm sorry you lost your Your Doobie street Yes it's a shame to lose

One's prime ganja spot Yeah Yeah Bad news to lose one's prime ganja spot. Yeah. Yeah. Bad news, but it sounds like it was a very long time ago. Yeah, eight years. It's not good. And how trusting of your ganja friends.

You just went, the fuzz has cottoned on to us here, fellas. And they all went, fair enough. You are the one with the... You are the one who bought a police radio, so I guess we trust you. Yeah, I think... You're the one who...

You're the one with polished shoes who always tucks your shirt in, so you'd know. You fucking narc. Yeah, it sounds like the departed He's involved in there He's infiltrated Some weed smokers Teenage weed smokers

We need you to shit down a building Well I'm going to get ready for my first public transport trip. I'm going to do some practice now. Anti-back your whole face, that kind of thing? Yep. I'm just going to sit in my living room, practice not making eye contact with anyone. But I guess I can now make kissy faces at everyone without them noticing with my mask on.

If only that Polish builder you'd been harassed by had been wearing a kissy mask. Yeah, I'd have been none the wiser. Exactly. Well, Godspeed, Phil. Let me know if you see just people like medieval plague victims just in piles coughing onto each other we'll do i'll take a picture and you can put on the butt button do have a safe and enjoyable week everyone if you like age of empires 2 check out my twitch stream tomorrow when this comes out it'll be warzone wednesday again and thursday is a thinking thursday i've been playing a really fucking good mystery game called return of the obra din it's so good this is really good

is on your computer yeah it's on computer i'll have to get it it's on steam it's so good like i only played it for three hours last thinking thursday and i've been thinking about it every day since it's so good wow it's quite old right um it looks older than it is because it's a deliberately like weird graphic style but it's not that old few years maybe yeah okay okay i'm gonna try to check it out all right to me it's from like 2002 oh neat um okay bye bye everybody