BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 73 - Daddy Pants Correspondence Special!

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

The boys are back! Pierre Novellie and Phil Wang chat incest pants, George from Brixton’s fruity adventures, daddy sweat, dystopian tat, pointless motto from Newcastle, the boys get negged, hokey tat, racoon poo battle and much much more! (Not much more) Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's a correspondence special. 73. 73. I think it's a seven. Only heaven sounds like seven. Leaven. Like leavened bread. 73.

Leaven be me. I am bread. Leaven be me I am bread leaven be me like a very like crowbarred in riddle answer or something you say when you're you're surprised by something well leaven be me well leaven be me

seven sharks well leaven be me seven be me well leaven be me Phil Wang how the hell are ya yeah exactly so correspondence special George gets in touch George

let us gorge upon your correspondence it's true uh his the title is george from brixton again with more filth george from brixton yeah nice one let's hear your your filth from from below the thames he says uh hey again butt squats i like that george from brixton here again with more filth from my salad days and by salad i mean the anemic shreds of wet lettuce and onion you get coming out of the back of a lancaster kebab gosh lancaster kebab sounds like a horrible torture that sounds like something something a gang gangs in lancaster do to each other as an initiation. Awful sex act. Gave him a Lancashire kebab.

Oh, yeah. A lamb skewer on the end of your knob. Duh. Black. Horrible. Anyway, we've already filled this up before, George. Yep, we've prepped the land for you there, George. I have two stories for you.

Both involve fairly ghastly things happening to innocent people. Oh, no. He adds, no one was hurt, but pretty much everyone suffered. Okay, this is good. This is a perfect butt-butt story. No one was hurt, but everyone suffered. This man kept farting in a crowded pub. No one was hurt, but everyone suffered.

So, he says, story one, The Human Shield. Gosh. Ten years ago. It's a good title one, The Human Shield Gosh Ten years ago It's a good title, yeah, Human Shield Very good title Ten years ago, I had a leaving due Before going travelling for six months After some fruity behaviour Across five pubs and bars

It culminated in Maidenhead's Most lascivious den of iniquity smoky joe's maidenhead i've performed maidenhead a couple times i probably walked past smoky joe's oh we've all gigged at norden farm art center phil yes of course who hasn't um at smoke so he ends up at smoky joe's the kind of place you get dysentery from if you order anything less than 40% ABV. There is nothing more suspect than a restaurant in the UK with an American-y name.

Oh, yes. That's the one to avoid the most. If it's like Yeehaw's Grill and it's in Cheem, don't go. The American Texas diner in Wolverhampton yeah

stay away also I often find that in dinery places in the UK when they go rack of ribs and it's like 15 quid so you think oh like a proper rack of ribs and it'll be like five ribs yeah it's like some ribs they got at Sainsbury's fucking local.

They haven't understood that we want half a rib cage here, people. Yeah, this is not a rack. This isn't a rack. After drinking myself into comfortable oblivion, my girlfriend propped me up on a stool and I had everyone

line up to say goodbye. That's good. Yeah, very good. Paying the dues like he's Don Corleone. So he's propped up on a stool. Thank you for coming. Yeah, thank you for coming. On the day of my maidenhead pub crawl.

I'll buy you a Sambuca you can't refuse you don't even have the decency to buy me a round so he says my girlfriend propped me up on a stool and I had everyone line up to say goodbye like a spent puppet I. Like a spent puppet, I sat there. A spent puppet.

A spent puppet. I sat there and feebly attempted to return the hugs I was given. I can picture this so well. Yeah. Just a sort of delirious smile. And just eyelids hovering at about 90% closed. A lolling head.

Oh. Thank you, goodbye. Yeah. Suddenly, as an old friend came up to say goodbye, I shooed her away. What, the girlfriend or the old friend? The old friend. Okay.

Pushing her when she got close. I managed to babble, Fuck off, go away. At which point, another friend stood to her defense and came up to me with a few choice words to say about my manners. Fuck off, go away. Fuck off, go away. So, a friend came up with a few choice words to say about my manners.

She'd managed to say the words, George, how dare you say... before my hand about my manners. She'd managed to say the words, George, how dare you say, before my hand reached my face. Okay. Through the gaps in my fingers, hot, fizzy, sour vomit. Please. Oh, no.

Lashed across her face in three perfect streams. No! I mean, he really wanted her to fuck off, didn't he? That looks like he went, fuck off, go away. And to make you go away, bleh! Like the exorcist. He says, fuck off, go away. And then a new person comes up and goes, George, how dare you?

Bleh! Like a defense like a squid it's such a funny reaction to how dare you because that implies you don't have manners and you're responding with vomit in their face George how dare yeah so through the gaps

in his fingers hot fizzy sour vomit lashed across her face in three perfect streams. Yeah, he split it with his fingers. The sheer force. Oh man, like a light experiment. Yes. In her hair, in her eyes, and in her mouth. Oh god, because she has mid-speech, of course. As she turned away, my spasming stomach maintained the ordinance. As she burst into tears, and a harem of girls followed her into the toilets to unpollute her face,

I was shepherded out of the bar to go home. Oh my gosh. And they all came to celebrate him as well That's the funny part My hands glistening with steaming vomit As I waved my friends goodbye I'm amazed a taxi took him in that state It gets worse, he says Oh yeah, it does

He shimims off in the taxi no after that catastrophe in a fit of drunken misjudgment in a fit of drunken misjudgment

my brother then took that same girl home that very night oh vomit girl so the brother ends up getting off with a vomit victim

wow gosh Vomit girl. So the brother ends up getting off with the vomit victim. Wow. Gosh. Yeah. Oh, man. Is that a system they have? I don't think that system is reliable enough to him. I don't remember this chapter of the game. What do you want?

After the card trick, throw up in her face. After you've done a card trick with your peacock hat. So he says, and the very worst bit was, he could not achieve an erection in the end because she still smelled of sick. Oh my god, yes, I'm not surprised.

Keep it in your pants for one night come on i think if you if you in your head know that you're going out on a pub crawl if you if you're going to take the pub crawl seriously to any degree you have to accept that there's going to be no good banging for anyone. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're all embarking on a voyage. No one ever says, I went on a pub crawl and then I had this amazing sex. I'm not saying I had a vindaloo followed by the best sex of my life. It's like, there are just some things

that if you put in your body, you're not going to have a sexy time. I was painfully full of hot, the hottest food legally available and fizzy alcoholic poison. Fuck. Oh, I feel sick. I feel sick because there are people who do that. There are people out there who do that. In my head, the only way that two people who've had that evening could could

bang safely is if they both shook hands at the start and said there are gonna there are gonna be farts oh you have to put on newspaper like you're training a pet. Yeah. Like plastic cling film, like you're about to murder someone in American Psycho or something. Like you're Dexter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So, story number two from George.

Oh, great. The title of this story is Oi, Sick Boy. He's good at his titles. These are like Frasier chapters. Yes. These are Frasier title cards. He's the Frasier of Maidenhead. And then there's an outline of the northern

farm art center some vomit and scrambled eggs just an outline of smoky joes and the northern farm art center story number two oi sick boy once again in Smokey Joe's hey you know what

Smokey Joe's sounds like the common denominator here George how about you stop going all Smokey Joe's there once again in Smokey Joe's Maidenhead's answer to what if there was a Chernobyl themed bar um i'd had another fairly fruity night with the gang yep so i've heard this story before i do i do i do like um describing yeah i something i do really love is um drinking it like a regional town or a

university town and and describing it in in that kind of bertie wooster way is really appealing to me i really love it fruity we had a fairly fruity night with the gang i love that oh i miss pubs um so he had another fairly fruity night with the gang with a particular emphasis on getting in shots great yep most of these were sambuca which has the unfortunate property of being yeah you knew it you knew it it was coming most of these were sambuca which has the unfortunate property of being absolutely fucking repellent. I can't, I, the first Sambuca I had in fucking Bath or whatever

when I moved to the UK, it was so confusing. It was like, you are rebelling, you are breaking, we're breaking the law so that we can drink this, and this is what we're, we're getting, we're getting things on our permanent record

so that we can taste some fucking some fucking aniseed poison vodka. Yeah, just Bertie Bassett's spaff. Oh, no thanks. Horrible.

I've always wondered about Americans, so they always, in TV shows, they always go, my permanent record? It's like, the KGB? What do you mean permanent record? What are you talking about? Yeah. An amazing idea that

America could be that centralized or that detailed and centrally governed to give everyone in the country a permanent record and like but the permanent record is sort of it's like run by like your high school principal or something

it's so weird it's so weird um anyway anyway it's goddamn McCarthyism it's goddamn McCarthyism I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party. Ronald Reagan was one of the few

Hollywood people to testify and name names. The coward. Terrible. The old Reagan. Therefore, after a few too many of these, and on a foundation of white Russians from the bar before, man. What is it about early days drinking? after a few too many of these and on a foundation of white Russians from the bar before. Man.

What is it about early days drinking? Actually, there's no way to prove that this was in George's early days drinking, but it's a uniquely British phenomenon as when you start drinking you have to start with the most vile versions of alcohol you can possibly find. Yeah.

I guess that's just what your budget can handle I suppose at that point. And also it's all vile to you because you can possibly find. Yeah. I guess that's just what your budget can handle, I suppose, at that point. And also, like, it's all vile to you because you're not used to the taste yet, I guess. That's true, that's true. Yeah. So he says, therefore, after a few too many of these Sambuca shots

and on a foundation of white Russians from the bar before, it all got too much for my poor organs. They evacuated the contents of my stomach with such reckless abandon that I wasn't able to prepare. Yeah, this sounds again very true to form. I'm surprised they don't have a photo of George

behind the bar at Smokey Joe's that just says, don't give this man liquids. So he says, it came out with such reckless abandon I wasn't able to prepare the best i could do was ambitiously attempt to close my lips yeah with your fingers maybe because i liked before however this had the unwelcome effect of creating an aperture that if anything concentrated the jet of gut gravy right so you made yeah he made a vomit laser. Yes. Yes.

Which shot across the heads and shoulders of the group of people sitting in front. God. Realising too late what was in motion, my brother grabbed me and pushed me to the toilets, turning back to mollify the victims. How do you calm those people down? What do you say? Yeah, sorry about him. He's full of sick. That's vomit you've got on you there. In returning to find me...

No, in returning to me, he found me at the back of a long queue for the toilets, arms folded and waiting patiently with my cheeks full to bursting with vomit. Oh, Jesus Christ. And dripping down my chin. Oof. Like a vile hamster. Tapping his foot, checking his watch.

Ha ha ha ha. Come on, come on. Hey, what's a holdup? Mm-mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm. Come on, come on. Hey, what's a holdup? Making his excuses to the lion, he pushed me to the front and emptied my face into the sink. Fuck, the sink.

That's going to get plugged up, man. Fuck. I hate this. I hate this. Because, you know, we've all gone into a public bathroom and there's been just a sink clogged up with vomit

there's been a crime in the sink and you go which fucking piece of shit did this and it turns out it was one of our very own listeners I don't know what to believe anymore the worst is if it's a train station bathroom because then you go there's a whole story here isn't there

there's a whole story and no one is going to clean this up. That's what you do. This is a problem now. So he says, the rest of the night is a blur, but the morning after my head felt utterly cobained. Wow, very good. Very good. And my mouth tasted like a junkie's carpet.

Part two of the story. A week later, I was in the local weatherspoons when i heard a man call out oi sick boy i thought nothing of it until i heard it again and again eventually a man a bit taller and older than me came up and looked me in the eye oi sick boy you don't remember me do you? Smokey Joe's last week. You threw up on me and my girlfriend. Oh wow. At that point my guts turned to goulash and I

knew he was about to make my face into a paste. Sounds like something that happened to Marty McFly. Hey you. Hey pew boy you threw up on me and my girlfriend. Given that I have about Me and my girl Given that I have about as much fight in me As Theresa May's final three months in power

I had already accepted death Lovely little satire drive-by Very nice However, he put his hand out and said You recovered yet? I shook his hand nervously and he explained how apologetic I was After it had happened, and how many drinks I had bought them afterwards to make up for it.

I'd even helped wash it out of their clothes with loo roll from the bar. Ah, good on him. Good drunk. That's a good drunk. Also, I'm so sorry I got so drunk. Let me buy you some drinks. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I threw up. It was because I drank all that poison.

Would you like some poison? maybe you can throw up with my financial help any non-British listeners listening to this story might think oh gosh this George fellow sounds like he might have a drinking problem having drunk excessively one weekend

only to return to a different pub the next weekend but no if anything George is one of the more responsible drinkers in this country excessively one weekend only to return to a different pub the next weekend. But no, if anything, George is one of the more responsible drinkers in this country. Yes, George is a vicar who works with troubled youths. If anything, this is the story of a

journeyman drinker. Yes, every single British person is George in this story at least once or twice in their life. Every single one. is George in this story at least once or twice in their life. Every single one. Us included.

Even me. Even us. That's why I can feel all of George's stories with such visceral clarity. Yeah. Whereas I always get the impression that in America you'd only hear stories like this in a church basement in an AA meeting

yeah exactly I shook his hand nervously and a cautionary tale quite a pleasant end to an otherwise grisly story but a cautionary tale against going to Smokey Joe's or being anywhere near me if I'm there hope you enjoyed

keep on jacking it your man in the field George again George is not listening to his own advice to stay away from Smokey Joe's and to stay away from him when he is inevitably in Smokey Joe's George don't go to Smokey Joe's this isn't our problem

you're the one who keeps going to Smokey Joe's don't warn us. Oh, I love it. But I love, in the same way as a fruity night with the gang, I also love your man in the field. I really enjoy that. Yeah. Yeah, it's very World War II gentleman gentleman spy isn't it yeah i love it um

so uh we we have a great email from uh he signed it off jay jay jay oh nice jay jay jay mysterious mysterious Jay yeah so if you remember we had an email about someone who um they lived with

a girl who wears her brother's pants ugh yeah wait this is my story oh wait was it you

describing it yeah yes no someone told you it wasn't an email was it you describing it? Yeah. Yes, no, someone told you. It wasn't an email, was it? Yeah, it was my friend. She, when she runs out of her own pants, will wear her brother's pants. Absolutely repellent.

Extraordinary, yeah. I remember that I asked you if they live in Pornhub. I think you said, what are they, the Lannisters? So, Jay's email refers to this, right? He says, hi both. I've recently discovered the podcast and I'm thoroughly enjoying it during

these rather strange times. Thank you, Jay. While listening to number 57, I was intrigued to hear the story about the girl who wears her brother's boxers as pyjamas. I agree, it's mental. And that's not the end of the email, although that would be very funny. Just to send the email going,

yes. I agree, that isn't mental, bye. He says, I agree, it's mental. Then he continues, if you think that's mental, try this on for size. Well, she did. That's why I'm so gross. My girlfriend wears her father's boxers as pyjamas.

No! What is going on? And to make matters more insane, to make matters more insane, Phil, she only wears them during her monthly womanly moon cycle. I don't know where to look. I'm alonely moon cycle. I don't

know where to look. I'm alone in my room and I don't know where to look. What is going on? Did Jay say her dad's old boxers or her dad's current boxers? Surely old. Please, if there is any god in this universe let them be old box old. Please. If there is any god in this universe

let them be old to boxes. Please. She just walks up to her dad and says, I'm on my period. Hand him over. And he immediately just hands her a ball. A ball of middle-aged man

Y-fronts. Or boxes. They are boxes. These are boxes, yeah. Oh my god. I hate this. I hate this. I wish you hadn't read this email out. I hate this. Yeah, it's not nice to hear about the

daddy's period pants. Oh my god. Want some comfortable underwear during that time of the month? Ask your dad, apparently. Try daddy's. Try daddy's. Daddy's cycle pants. So.

So as he says, my girlfriend wears her father's boxes as pajamas and to make matters more insane, she only wears them during her monthly womanly moon cycle. It's the creepiest situation I've been in and frankly, I find the whole thing borderline incestuous. It's not right. You are well within your rights to feel that way, Jay.

This puts my brother-sister story well in the shade, I reckon. Yeah, I think so. I think it's a significant escalation here on the border. This gal in her fucking fritzel pants. I mean, what is going on? Nothing fits like a fritzel pant. It fritzel pants i mean what is going on nothing fits like a fritzel pant it fritzels great sure your pants fit but are they fritz

oh yeah he says i mean talk about anplex. The sight of her father's boxers adorning my partner sends cold shivers down my spine. It's like he's in the room watching and comforting during a rather private personal time. Like Obi-Wan's force ghost. Fucking hell. Hovering. Jesus. I was glad to hear about your own personal boxer short conundrum,

and I now take comfort in knowing that I do not suffer alone, nor am I the only one who thinks that wearing a sibling's or parent's underwear is bizarre. These are people who will put their sex toys in the dishwasher. These are people who go, well, I washed it, it's clean. It's like, there's some things you can't clean. There's some things you cannot wash off, isn't it? How much faith do these people have in soap?

For them, the sex toys in the dishwasher and wearing your dad's pants, the only issues are logistical cleaning ones. And after that, they can't think of any abstract problems. It's an astonishing failure of imagination, isn't it? How many more people out there are there like this? Does she not put on the boxes thinking, ah, these are the things that hug my own dad's dick and balls?

These are the things that soak up a little drop of piss every time he goes to the toilet. Yeah. Ah. Ah. How nice. These form a little pube hammock. Regularly. On daddy's long old balls

oh these rub up against dad's gooch and soak up all his daddy sweat oh my god these pants these pants don't know what's going on yeah and he says I'm glad to get it off my chest

keep up the good work Jay bloody hell hey wow I mean that is on. Yeah, and he says, I'm glad to get the love off my chest. Keep up the good work, Jay. Bloody hell, hey? Wow. I mean, that is quite a story. That's amazing. It's not until you hear a story like that that you realise how lucky you are, really.

Yeah. And how good you have it, and how normal your life actually is a story like that if you ever stop and think is my family a bit weird and then you read that and you go oh fine fine like you could think something like oh my family's a bit weird because i don't know every saturday we all wear onesies and have pancakes and it's a big thing. And you go, yeah, but this lady's wearing her dad's pants, so I wouldn't worry. Yeah, my family's a fucking Flanders next to this guy.

Yeah, yeah, yes. We're all Rod and Todd next to the daddy pants. we're all rod and tod next to the daddy pants well great great great email jay thank you very much great email jay thank you for that do keep us updated we're a little out of date so i hope you're still uh i hope if you hear this you you keep us updated we'll have a running thing um p danny uh or danny p rather has sent us some interesting photos which i'll describe to you okay he's titled the email dystopian tat wow okay nice one nice one very uh very relevant and it is dystopian um he says hey beeps which i quite like yeah beeps is cute i like beeps hey beeps i came across this relic from happier

tattier times enjoy code genny p and so i'll describe the photo to you phil because it was quite confusing the initial photo is a photo of a house um in the in the middle of being demolished i'd say okay okay as in like there's a wrecking ball coming at it or it's just like falling apart so the photo is taken from behind. You know, there's like big fences they put up around building sites. Yep, yep, yep. And so assuming that it was Danny P who took this picture, he stood on the street side of the fence looking in. And through the fence, we can see a house that is now just a shell.

So there's no roof. The windows and doors have all been smashed out. It's all exposed bricks. There's rubble everywhere. Big skip full of stuff. And so you're looking directly into the shell of a house, like a World War II level in a game. Sure. Gotcha.

And that's all it is. So I thought, well, that's not tat. And then the next picture, it's zoomed in on one of the hollow windows a little bit. And you can just make out something on the wall, some scribbles, it looks like. Wait, there's a message. Wait, enhance. And we zoom in a little more, Phil. And Eagle-Eyed, whoever even found this, incredible,

you look in there and they're scribbled on the wall of the shell of the wrecked house in curly-whirly writing. I would say, okay, so the top line of this tat on the wall, Phil, it's wall tat. The top line is like, you know, with cursive inscriptions, sometimes they just go, instead of letters, just initially some curly- whirly symmetrical drawings like like the top of a newspaper like all swirls and leaves and things but but with the letter incorporated into it no no no just some

doodles oh yeah yeah yeah just a little designy doodly thing, yeah. Yeah. So there's one of those on top. And below that first line, the tat begins. And it says, a girl should be two things. Oh, no. Two, Phil. Two whole things. Yeah. No more, no less.

No more, no less. A girl should be two things. And then the next line, it says the things. Blank and blank blank what do you think they are so this is the first line no there's these both lines yeah yeah yeah so the first line are they a word each or like a little sentence each uh a word each word and word a girl should should be these two things blink and blank um nice and nasty oh that's not a bad guess um i would say uh um make it a bit more like fancify it a bit uh elegant and devious. You're so close.

A girl should be two things. Classy and fabulous. It's even more obvious. I put a twist on it that didn't even need to be there. Exactly. It's just two good things. It's just two good things. Also, they're both capitalized, like we're speaking German,

for some reason. Classy und fabulous. Yeah, classy und fabulous. What I like about it, Phil, is classy and fabulous are not like opposites. There's a lot of overlap there. There's overlap. Yes, there's enough overlap that you don't need

both words but also enough different about them that you're kind of talking about two different people I think someone who is fabulous is often not classy because class is about sort of understated understated yes

or just being able to politely rebuff the advances of an old rich man. It always seems to basically be that. I love that this... This tat has survived demolition. Because tat survives. Tat lives on. Tat always finds a way.

Yeah, you can kill me, but you'll never kill tat you can't kill an idea you can't kill tat you are only killing a tat man you are not killing tat you cannot kill the idea that girls should be two things classy and fabulous i will die for live, laugh, love. Wow. So what I also like is I like the idea of someone going, yes, she is classy, but is she fabulous? Because really a girl should be two things. Yes, she's halfway there. She's classy, but her fabulousness needs a work.

Her fabule. Her fab work. Her fabule. Her fabulation. Her fabulation. And do you know who's... There's a third line, Phil. It attributes the quote to someone. Who do you think allegedly said that on this tat? What famous...

Albert Einstein. A girl should be two things. Classy or fabulous? C equals f squared um i it'll be marilyn monroe oh you're close marilyn monroe you're close oh okay um and then it's it's um aubrey hepburn oh you're so close audrey hepburn oh come on not American not American Kate Middleton why don't I know any non-American women

Kate Blanchard you insist on only knowing American women I try if I can help it um buddhica buddhica final answer coco chanel of course ah of course that is that fucking nazi of course yes um listeners i'm sure we've told you this before but Coco Chanel was a Nazi collaborator who stole money and property from Jewish businesses and had affairs with members of the Nazi

the SD their kind of secret service So yes The secret to much of Coco's success was her ability to collaborate Yes, yes to work together. Yes, yes, to work together. Nazis, designers, whoever.

Chanel's first big collaboration was with the Third Reich. Her first big, yes, Hitler was indirectly her first big collab. Oh, he was quite, he was the real influencer at the time. Yeah, that's why Chanel number one the perfume, was delivered via a grenade. I love that Coco Chanel the Nazi has become a sort of theme of the podcast.

Yes. become a sort of theme of the podcast. I think it's just she's come to represent so many things that are annoying that the more we can make people aware

that she was a fascist collaborator the more that those annoying things might go away at least a bit. At least a bit. Because everyone

always pipes up with that Hugo Boss semi-true fact well that that he did the old outfits yeah he did the nice uniforms is that not true um i think the factories made the uniforms i don't know i don't think it's true that hugo boss himself sat with a pencil and drew out the letters ss on a little color and all the rest of it but right yeah yeah it's It's true enough to be said repeatedly in pubs, which is what it is. It's pub true, pub true.

It's pub true, exactly. It's the kind of thing you tell your friend just as George spews hot vomit onto your face out of nowhere. Well, did you know that Hugo Boss actually... Sick boy! Sick boy! Sick boy strikes again!

A city under siege. All these detectives pouring barrels of vomit into the drains. Pour it all away, boys. Every drop. The people of Maidenhead are crying out for sick boy. Stalking Maidenhead's lonely rooftops um kieran sends us a good photo of something we haven't had in a while

pointless nonsensical mottos ooh is it it's not like one of the um an old man said to a pigeon one of those it's not like one of the, um, an old man said to a pigeon. One of those, it's not one of those sort of made up. Oh, no, no.

It's like taste your beautiful or, or, or, or re, re, reinstall your yum or whatever the fuck. Like a marketing, marketing tat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, he says, bonjour pod buds. Just a quick one.

The Tiger Tiger in Newcastle closed in the latter part of last year And reopened as a bar named Eden And maintains its questionable reputation Eden George, one for you there George Yep Anyway, I only noticed the motto recently Lots of lonely isolation love, Koji Kieran

So there's a photo here of Eden And I will say this, the outside of the bar looks like... It looks like a sort of only just starting out chain of travel hotels. Okay, okay. It doesn't really look like a bar at all. Like one of those hotel chains that you think, oh, this will be reasonably priced because it's a

gross hotel chain and it's 300 pounds for no reason whatsoever yeah and it presents itself as this like monolithic uncommunicatable with sort of chain and then you discover this there's three there's three of them so the uh the name of the bar eden is there with a serif lowercase font which is odd like times new roman lowercase looks like okay um the second e however phil is backwards oh yuck yuck indeed um however underneath the motto of eden is and these are all capitalized drink dance dine and discover underneath the motto of Eden is, and these are all capitalized, Drink, Dance, Dine, and Discover. Discover. Discover.

What's there to discover? Dine. What are you going to discover? I guess you could discover that Hugo Boss designed the Nazi uniforms. I always love when a scuzzy nightclub is like, Dine. Dine in. Yeah. It's like whenuzzy nightclub is like dine. Dine in.

Yeah. It's like when dine in is on McDonald's. Will you be dining in? Tonight we dine at Eden. A filled potato skin for milady? If you can dance in a place then you can't dine in there. I think you can only have one of those two in the same room. You can eat and you can dance in a place, then you can't dine in there. I think you can only have one of those two in the same room.

You can eat, you can eat, and you can dance in the same place. But you can't dine and dance in the same place. You can't dine. It's not safe to carry a flaming crepe Suzette across a crowded dance floor. What happened to Suzette? Poor Suzette.

You can't carry a sizzling teriyaki platter through a dance floor discover though, that's interesting discover, meaningless absolutely meaningless let's see let's see let's see let's see i think we someone sent us a screenshot of a text where we get negged well you and i get negged yeah well like the podcast kind of. It's quite an odd response to a podcast. Okay. So Oliver says,

Hello, poop stars. He says, I'm currently on episode 49, having started just a few weeks ago. A Pistorian. Good work. Yeah. Going through the archives.

Yeah. And he says, And it only took a global pandemic to find you guys. Attached below is my most bud pod attempt to spread the podcast they clearly weren't impressed by the superb scatological stories so in the text he's messaging someone

and he says did you guys listen to that podcast oh no and then someone called Katie is replying and she says I did but then I got bored as I don't really like people talking at me whilst I'm doing something. So I turned it off. Right.

Okay. I mean, that is what all podcasts are. That we're going to have to leave at Katie's door, that one. Because there's very little we could have done about that. Yeah. She's the one who was doing stuff. We recommend that people lie perfectly still and focus entirely on listening to us.

God damn it, this podcast is terrible. Can't they see I'm busy? I did, but then I got bored as I don't really like people talking at me whilst I'm doing something, so I turned it off. All right. people talking at me whilst I'm doing something so I turned it off.

Alright! Did you like the nightclub? It was alright but I got bored because I don't really like dancing while music's being played at me. Yeah it's all very distracting isn't it? I couldn't find the time to sit and eat a full roast dinner

whilst focusing only on listening to a podcast or whatever exactly. We want all our our pod buds to listen to this podcast like they're a lonely teenager in the 80s just lying on their beds with headphones plugged into a record player with their was just staring at the ceiling with their fingers interlaced on their stomach. That's how you have to listen to this podcast. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or floating in a kind of clear liquid with loads of, like, wires coming out of you.

In a big tube. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were those tanks called? An isolation tank? That's what you need for this podcast. Yes. Yes. Some people who've done it say

you can actually smell the poo. It's so engrossing. You feel like you're doing the poo. Well, you feel like you are the poo probably, floating in an isolation tank. People report the feeling of terror that they're about to be flushed, yes.

Yes, people report the feeling of terror that they're about to be flushed yes um yes okay so uh christine gets in touch christine the queens yes she says good morning pps thank you uh she says I do my daily exercise at 6am because 1 I know 6am 1 I can avoid the dinguses who make it super hard for me to keep 2 metres away from them which is fair and 2 to be honest there's not much other

shit to do at the moment in the day now is the time to not have small children and a full time job you can do from home I can tell you fair enough so is that is that why christine's up already because my my my solution to that problem would be wake up later but if you don't have enough to do just you know be unconscious for more amounts of time i know she says there's too much other shit to do in the day okay now because she, because she is that person. Ah, okay, okay, okay. That makes sense.

All right, there we go. So she says, so on my morning walk today, choosing the song for the day for that 30-day song challenge, because that's what I've been to reduce to. What is this challenge? Is it like a new song every day? Oh yeah, post a song a day to show that you love songs or whatever. Okay.

And this monstrosity jumps out at me i felt weird taking a picture of someone's house so i did it all stealthy like and it's a picture through a front door oh wow into the house yeah into the house with some visible tat and this is some investigative uh journalism yes and it's some tat we've actually been sent on Twitter recently as well, I think, in a different form. It's popped up here and there, this tat, but I don't think we've ever addressed it on the podcast. It says, Phil, what if the hokey-cokey really is what it's all about? Oh, no. Yeah, I mean, the thing about that is you hear that once.

You hear someone say that once. What if the hokey- thing about that is, you hear that once. You hear someone say that once. What if the hokey-cokey really is what it's all about? You go, ha-ha-ha. Ah, yeah, no, that's pretty fun. Yeah, quite interesting. Yeah, that's a funny joke. Yeah.

You don't want to see that in your hallway every... Jokes get old quick. Jokes get old the second time you hear them, let alone the 5,000th. Why would you put that up in your house i've never heard a joke so good that i want to carve the joke out of wood and have it in my room and i've heard some amazing jokes like i would get sick of the best ever you know whatever dave chappelle stewart lee whatever routine if it was carved in wood and i had to fucking look at it every day yeah you're gonna say what do you do you think the person who lives in that house

ever tells that joke in to someone outside the house? I think that's why they have it up. As they leave the house they look at it and they go, one a day. One a day. Do you think they see a friend and the friend is like, hey, you remember the Hokey Cokey? And this person goes,

what if the Hokey Cokey really is what it's all about? And the other person goes, yeah, okay. Is that person then thinking, person goes what if the hokey cokey really is what it's all about and the other person goes yeah okay is that person then thinking thank goodness I have that joke pinned up on my wall every day so I remember to do it when the opportunity arises no but like when

they go see the friend and the friend goes hey do you remember doing the hokey cokey when you were a kid and the excitement of it finally coming up they're just like what if the hokey it's all up they're just like what if the hooky it's all about the hooky hooky fuck fuck

I couldn't have been more prepared for this I couldn't have been more ready they just go home and silently burn their house to the ground every fucking day I look at that thing yeah I think so funny email from Andrew where he just says hi philip here historically i'm not a great sleeper but i found your podcast uh recently and i find listening to an episode when i go to bed has me uh asleep in minutes fabulous well thanks andrew that's really kind

of you thanks andrew thank you for that. Okay, thank you. I guess you were just too engaged before. Yes, I think so. I guess before you found our podcast, you were just too interested in the world. Yeah. We have a fantastic email here from Josh who is the founding father also known as

George Washingbum Oh very good So I think he Yeah he's Josh of old George Washingbum himself and the title of this email is The Blair Poop Project Okay

Which is good Is this about the Iraq war? The title of this email is The Blair Poop Project. Okay. Which is good. Is this about the Iraq War? That was something of a shit show. Yeah, thanks, Tom Blyer. I wanted to say the least. So, he says, Dear Navellington Boot and Harry Bow Wangtastics. Okay, I like that.

Founding Farter Josh here, also known as George Washingbum. Listening since day one, silently supporting the bum bum life. And I'm finally throwing my shat into the ring. Lovely, I like that a lot. Beautiful. I like that a lot. Throwing your shat into the ring get that carved up pop it on your wall put that in your hallway put that in your hallway that's a funny phrase

put that in your hallway he says uh i have a harrowing tale of a moment in my life so suppressed some could say i'm psychologically constipated. Wow, okay. But it's time to irrigate that mind bowel and share it with my fellow brothers and sisters. Yep. Many moons ago, I was once on a summer holiday in the Lake District with my family and our family friends, one of whom I had taken a liking to. Oh. Hopefully within the family friends.

Yes, and not wearing any family members' pants. A bunch of us kids were out one afternoon on the lake on a little rowing boat, splashing around and frankly having a gay old time. I really felt as though I was making a connection with one of the girls

in the other family and things were moving along swimmingly, if you pardon the bum. They come out of nowhere. That's what I like about them. You never expect them. It's good. It was all... It was all very swallows and amazons until the moment I felt a little poo pocket brewing in my innards.

What's Swallows and Amazons? It's a book and then a film or a TV adaption. Sort of idyllic frolicking of young English summertime in lakes and things. Gotcha. So a little hot pocket was brewing in his belly? Yes. One second. Where has it gone?

Yes. So things were going along swimmingly, if you pardon the bum. It was all very swallows and damasons until the moment I felt a little poo pocket brewing in my innards. Remaining calm and collected, I rowed us over to a nearby dock surrounded in forest. Very nice. Calm and collected enough to rowed us over to a nearby dock surrounded in forest. Very nice. Calm and collected enough to row them all over too. I like that. Yeah. Remaining calm and collected, I rowed us

over to a nearby dock surrounded in forest that I felt was safe enough for me to go and get my bottom business dealt with. I hastily jumped off the boat, leaving my sisters and the other lovely ladies to chill out and wait for my return. What did he tell them they were doing? What did he tell them he was doing?

It's probably sort of acceptable that boys go for wheeze in the woods, so he might have said a whee, a whiz was. Excuse me, ladies, I need to go and find some twigs. I left a twig here earlier today and I need it. I need to go and find some twigs. I left a twig here earlier today and I need it. I need it for something. At this point, I was reaching deathcon bum. Got it again.

He got me again. And speedy delivery of this pooey poltergeist was imperative to ensure my summer romance got underway. Yes, yes, yes. Many poos got in the way of a burgeoning romance for me, I can tell you. There's nothing worse than a poo in the way of romance. You'd think the body would know to suppress it as an evolutionary device.

Yeah, you'd think it would go, you know what, we can leave this. Yeah, there's more important stuff at play here. Yes, you'd think, wouldn't you? Because sometimes you can definitely you can definitely hold poo more than a wee.

I'll say that. Yes, I think you're right, yes. I've always told people that you say that. And you're right. I've got it carved in a piece of wood in my... Put that in your hallway. Put that in your hallway.

Ooh, I like that. Put that in your hallway. So, he says, finding a small ditch shielded by bushes, I felt I was safe enough to unzip my wetsuit Down to my ankles This is a reveal a wetsuit A wetsuit I had not been picturing a wetsuit up to this point

No I was picturing that he was dressed like A little frat boy Very hard to hide a turtle head When you're wearing a wetsuit It's true it's true hard enough to hide your turtle head when you're wearing a wetsuit. It's true. It's true. Hard enough to hide your bollies. So, he felt he was safe enough in this ditch shielded by bushes to unzip his wetsuit down to his ankles and get chitten.

God, this is not going to end well. Little did I know, my afternoon plop parade was being presented to a small raccoon at my rear. Oh, okay, that's not too bad. As I turned to look for a sizable leaf to clean the mess, I was met by the furry perv. And did he grab it? Grabbing my shit in handfuls and throwing it back at me.

What? Wow. That's an incredible story. Because that's where the raccoon lives. Fuck you, what are you doing? What? Wow. That's an incredible story. Because that's where the raccoon lives. Fuck you. What are you doing? Just heading back home.

Another day of being a raccoon. Gosh, life is good. Oh, look. Some sort of river man. Well, that's a... Oh, it seems to be peeling off his skin and exposing his what no what's he doing that's my man also they do kind of have little hands don't they they have little hands and i just imagine this thing going to get your shit out of. Just throwing stuff at him like they just had a terrible breakup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take your shit and go.

Yeah, the record's going, take that and that. So, as he turns around to look for a leaf to clean up the mess, met by the furry perv grabbing my shit in handfuls and throwing it back at me. That's incredible. In my initial response to the fecal throwing i felt it best to collect as much of my brown package as possible and discard it elsewhere yes deprive the enemy of ammunition smart this is the most that's like a cartoon character this this raccoon

idea so uh uh felt it best to collect as much of my brown package as possible and discard it like a cartoon character, this raccoon. Yeah. So I felt it best to collect as much of my brown package as possible and discard it elsewhere. This quickly turned into a scrap, with us both trying to claim the dung as our own. It's mine! Wow! Until the moment my lady love came round the corner looking for me.

Until the moment my lady love came around the corner looking for me. I tell you, it's mine. Are you in there? Who are you talking to? It's mine. He turns the corner. He's fighting a raccoon for his own shit. Yeah.

So he came around the corner looking for me. So there I was, wetsetsuit around my ankles shit in hand, facing off with a wild animal all three of us stood there, looking back and forth at each other, like an excrement standoff very good excrement standoff oh man not only is it a great story but he's keeping it up

with the puns wow yeah I'm picturing this happening to the tune of Ecstasy of Gold by Ennio Morricone that's the raccoon singing

with a fistful of shit instead of a fistful of dollars he's the fastest shit in the west and then the sequel a few turns more Fistful of shit. Instead of a fistful of dollars. He's the fastest shit in the West. And then the sequel a few turns more. The good, the bad, and the raccoon. Yes. So, there I was, wetsuit around my ankles, shit in hand facing off of the wild animal.

All three of us stood there looking back and forth at each other like an excrement standoff. Needless to say, romance didn't blossom from this horrific incident. In fact, she ran off into the woods, screaming and crying, and to this day hasn't looked me in the eye again. I think this lady should have more appreciation for the incredible scene she had the privilege of witnessing. Yeah, Rita, I married him. That's what it should say. That's an amazing...

Getting into a fight with a raccoon over your own feces, that is... Also, she's encountering him, right? Not only fighting with a raccoon over your turd, but with a pooey bum and presumably just some dangly dick and balls and bound ankles.

Thing is, if she liked him in that state, they were meant to be together. So, yeah. You just skipped a whole bunch of dating to figure out that really they weren't for each other. You know what, Josh? You don't want to marry someone who doesn't think that that situation

is not only funny, but significant. Artistically, culturally, whatever. I mean, that's a story to tell the grandkids. Yeah. Perfect story to tell the grandkids. Yeah. So he says, Anyway, love the pod. Listen so regularly, I feel we're all good pals so

i wanted to open up and share with you my trumpy tale yours faithfully uh yours always faithfully jacked founding father joshua george washing bum thank you george washing bum if only you did wash your bum well that's it that's it you would have had to go to the lake to sort that out i'm quite sure yes you want to you want to be absolutely clear on that otherwise you'll end up with like a wetsuit that keeps in pooey water so you stay warm the thing is i mean josh would have eventually had to go back to that boat and that's a conversation i'd love to see him getting back yes because when the rest of them she's all crying and upset and the rest are like what did you do what did you do in that wood

well they just say what happened and it's like I can't it's a raccoon a raccoon we'll discuss it later please are you doing anything later tonight later please are you doing anything um thanks um thanks very much josh that's that's all the time

we have for this uh correspondent special it is thank you again for all your wonderful emails and correspondence they are a treat and a privilege yes thank you guys and keep jacking it enjoy your week bye jack and everyone see y'all in a bit bye