BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 75 - Deep Fake Correspondents' Dinner

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

It's a lovely increment of 25! Pierre has an Iranian football haircut, Infopocalypse by Nina Schick book recommendation, deepfakes, long balls in the heat. Correspondence: quarantine blogs, Australian desert poo bucket hole and the Curse of Eve, harrowing Australian prison tour, a lovely note defying the Copenhagen No-One Cares Monster and auto-generated tat Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 75. Phil, I always find increments of 75, of 25 rather, very satisfying. They're satisfying because they click into place. They just click, click, click into place and get you to 100 and get you to 50. Yeah, and you can move on with your life. But then you get to some, you keep clicking up and you get to like 375 and you think, oh no, this doesn't look good yeah this is starting to look quite messy and you click up another 25 and you're at 400 and like shit oh that's a relief i didn't think oh i didn't i wasn't sure we'd get back to this back there but we're back we're back to yeah i thought that's perfect 375 is the is the messy one isn't it of those options? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. $7.25, not ideal, but at least you got the two in there.

But $3.75, you go, oh, Jesus, what have I got myself into? They're all odd. What have I done? $75, staying alive. Yeah. How have you been? Oh, I've been staying alive.

I had my first haircut since early march have you have you cut your own hair nope just let it go seriously yeah oh that's right you got your haircut like literally the day before lockdown didn't you pretty much or close to it you're like a disaster capitalist but for hair you knew when to buy that's it and you went to buy hair and you went to sell hair it's time to sell some hair um yeah i got it uh i got my haircut um before the government had warned me that i might have coronavirus yeah unfortunately and all the hairdressers are dead now they're not dead that's the same guy and he's fine um oh that's good yeah just this very cheerful algerian guy oh that's helpful the cheerfulness yeah and he's given me the haircut

he always gives me no matter what i say which is um i go in and I say all sorts of subtle things about, oh, a trim, or yeah, the top is like, the sides are just a bit, the proportions. I say things like that. And what he hears is, hello, make me look like an Iranian footballer. I'd like to look like an Iranian footballer, please. I'd like a very clearly, crisply defined beard and sort of swept back, not quite a quiff,

but, you know, very short on the sides. Yeah, I went in thinking, I'm going to ask for a scissor cut on the sides, not even a buzzer like I normally do. And he just went, oh, yes, yes yes yes and just went like straight in with a with the old machine on the side of my head yes yes yes electric scissors these are what we call scissors these days grandpa yeah and so now oh good well great do you feel better i feel a lot less warm. I have very, very thick hair.

That's why it doesn't, like... I can not have a haircut since March, and it looks a lot longer, but it doesn't... It doesn't, like, droop as much as it could. It all just, like, puffs up into a big fucking thick old hat. Yeah. Which is not ideal in this weather. Not ideal in this weather to be wearing a hat forever. To be wearing a hat like a Russian conscript in the hottest day of the year, yeah.

Yeah, exactly, yeah. One of those with the flaps and everything, yeah. So, yeah, I feel shorn and fresh. And I'll actually be seeing you later. You can see how much I look like an Iranian footballer. It's true Pierre and I are going to the park We won't say which park

Because we don't want to be mobbed We don't want to be mobbed actually We don't like mobs We're mobphobes But we're going to meet in the park It's very exciting Oh quick I'd like to recommend a book it's very exciting oh quick I'd like to recommend a book

this is the kind of podcast this has become I'd like to recommend a book I can't remember the last time I read a book so quickly but a friend and a very impressive person Nina Schick has written a book about deepfakes

and a period of time she's calling the infocalypse, which is like an apocalypse for information. It's basically about how the internet has made the world a very difficult place to validate information and to know what is true. And this book is about the rise of deep fakes, which are like face swaps, basically. Things people do as face swaps as a joke online

are also very dangerous and scary because we all still think videos, we still have a natural inclination to believe videos. And so who knows what kind of crimes will be possible when people can just fake videos of each other. So it's called Deepfakes, and it's by Nina Schick. I highly recommend it. I read it in like a weekend.

It's brill. It sounds horrifying. It's really horrifying. And deepfake um crimes have already like frauds are being committed already and people have got like um like ceos of huge banks and investment trusts to just wire the money because they've been able to deepfake um deepfake one of the sorry they've been able to get like like pretty high level employees to wire millions of euros

because they've deepfaked the CEO's voice and they just call up and use this program and they can say whatever they want it's not like they're playing like old recordings they've taught this program what this person's voice sounds like they can make it say anything

that's insane that's mission impossible yeah yeah yeah it really is have you seen any deep fakes like where they put steve buscemi's face on donald trump or whatever yeah yeah it's terrifying it like it looks it doesn't look you know it doesn't look perfect you can see there's something a bit wrong going on but it still looks pretty amazing what's truly terrifying is uh not just the face swap AIs, but the completely generative ones.

So the deepfakes that are completely new faces, so that you're not altering video, you're making new things from scratch. And you can go on a website called... I didn't know about this a year or so back. Thisisnotarealperson.com Have you been on this website? No, sorry, thispersondoesnotexist.com Oh, is it called twitter.com?

Is that the name of the website Full of fake people? Is it a Russian Facebook? Yeah, if This person does not exist You can go on it now Pierre to be honest Just go on thispersondoesnotexist.com And it will generate for you a face

That does not exist But looks like a real person I remember reading And you can just keep refreshing and it gives you a completely new fake face I'm clicking on it right now listeners Whoa Oh my god It looks a lot like a face that does exist

Yeah but if you just refresh It'll just make you a new one Oh wow that's a little like Indian boy That's a kind of Like a Mexican teenager That's just like a lady Just a lady from a place

That one looks like a celebrity Oh this is fucking weird Yeah and it's using something called I'm just going to regurgitate the book Just a lady from a place. That one looks like a celebrity. Oh, this is fucking weird. Yeah. And it's using something called a... I'm just going to regurgitate the book. It's using something called a GAN, which is a generative... Adversarial network.

That's it. A generative adversarial network. Basically, it has two AIs. One AI makes up faces. The other AI is a fake face detecting AI. And the one that makes up the new faces keeps throwing it at the other AI until the other AI goes, okay, yeah, that's a real face. And that's the face you end up with.

So it's like quite a funny sort of double act of someone going like, is this a face? No, that's not a face, you idiot. That chin's weird. And they rub out the chin. What about this? No no the nose is weird and so just that at lightning speed exactly like a million times a second yeah oh wow i i would quite it would be quite funny to just do this and then try and think of names they do i did this i was hanging out with a friend and showed her this website

And we played a game that went on for like An hour Which was we generate a face and then we describe What that person does And what kind of person they are Oh man it's so weird The God

It's a really fun game How long until there's a film where you do it and then the first face is yours? Well, that's it, isn't it? I don't exist, no. Or like an AI by chance imagined me and how I look. What you mean like a movie in which you sit at home and you watch it

and it puts you in the lead role? Oh, yeah, that's a better idea makes you the action hero yeah i remember reading somewhere and there's no way that they could prove this it's the sort of thing that people like to write about dreams because there's no way of proving anything when it comes to dreams that um every face you see in your dreams they were arguing that the brain is incapable of making up faces and like your dreams only reflect things you've experienced it's not new information you can't get new from you can't get new from from old yeah yeah so that technically anyone who you see in your fate in your dreams is a face you've seen before i see yeah yeah yeah

that makes sense which is one of those things where if someone says, every face in your dreams is a face you've already seen. You go, wow. Wait, that doesn't mean anything. That doesn't matter. Also, what are baby's dreams like then? Just sort of... Concepts. Shapes and a dog. The two dogs

you've met and yeah, a triangle. And a huge tit. Yeah. Most of the characters in Baby's Dreams are ginormous bubs yeah you're just bubs everywhere and then the nice dream is the boob is back

the boob's here and then a bad dream is no the boob is gone and I guess you're cold a baby waking up for a dream like and just pointing at pointing out boobs going and you were there and you were there i i'm always really interested in like because because one of the reasons that you forget what it was like to be a little kid is because of just how long it's been, right?

It's just ages away. So, like, when you're six, it's double when you were three. Like, the ratios are so fucked. Can three-year-olds remember being one? Let me try to remember. For as long in life as I can remember, my first memories are at four years old. Yeah. Four years old was always...

Even when I was like seven, I was like, I remember when I was four, and I don't remember anything before that. Yeah. It's so weird. It's like you weren't recording. People say they remember being born, but they're fucking hippie liars, I think. You know who I would believe saying, I remember being born But they're fucking hippie liars You know who I would believe saying I remember being born Is because it's always someone

It's always a white person with dreadlocks And so you have to ask Which birth are you talking about Because if it's your rebirth three months ago Then I'm out If you're talking about Burning Man Then I'm no longer interested in this fucking anecdote. Yeah, exactly.

So the only time I would believe it is if the person saying it is the opposite of who seems like they should be saying it. And that's my rule for a lot of stuff. Okay, okay. I find that the most believable. So if it was like like imagine like uh really socially like right wing like very straight laced you know like religious i don't like hardline catholic

uh yeah oil businessman and then he's like yeah and he's like not even happy to admit it he's like yeah i think i remember being born i believe that i believe that guy because he i feel like he gets no credit in his social circle for saying that people think he's weird for saying that so he's incentivized not to admit it i'd believe it if like richard dawkins said it not not because i implicitly trust richard dawkins and everything but because he's not the guy kind of guy who would about it. He'd be embarrassed about it. Like you say, like this oil-rich Catholic person.

Yes, exactly. Whereas in the same way, I would I really believe, say, hippies and things, when they criticize anything about their own vibe, because they're incentivized to not ever criticize it, right?

Because they're in the in-group. Any internally critical in-group member seems very reliable to me. Yeah, if a hippie said to me, yeah, man, weed, it rots your brain, I'm never touching weed ever. yeah if a hippie said to me yeah man weed it rots your brain I'm never touching weed ever I will never ever look at it so much as

exactly if old Jimmy Dreadlocks if old white Jimmy Dreadlocks told me James Dreadlocks old James Dreadlocks you go well if you're saying that fucking hell you must have seen it you must have really seen it

like like it's or like um the same it's the same reason why uh everyone loved that who was that really fucking old guy harry who would be like the nhs is a jewel he was like harry harry a jewel He was like Harry thingy He was like 107 He remembered there not being an NHS And he was on Twitter The last First world war soldier

No no no Wait was it And his son was Canadian And he was like a big vote for labour guy Oh was he You know this guy What was his name And his son was Canadian and he was like a big vote for Labour guy. Oh, was he? You know this guy. What was his name?

He was like a huge sort of figure and he would send tweets and they'd get a trillion retweets because he'd be like I remember not having any milk. And Let's see. And everyone would go, wow! Yeah, everyone would go wow yeah everyone no milk times yeah Wow no milk we should be glad that we have milk now god what is this fucking name Harry Leslie Smith remember mmm yeah Harry Leslie Smith That was who it was. And he was like... Anyway, my point is that the reason that that gets excessively celebrated

is because a really ancient white old man pensioner is seen as the opposite of the values that he was espousing. So they're like, see? Old man who the the daily telegraph likes thinks that we're right so we must be double right yes exactly that's it the same way that like every right-wing publication has got like a 21 year old blonde woman who like uh went to russell group university who writes about how actually everything a fat old cigar smoking city trader

in his 50s thinks is correct and good because it makes him go see see yeah i don't know what the equivalent would be for comedy like if the if someone who hated comedy admitted you were funny maybe that that would be it. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes people say that, you know, I don't find anything funny, but you're okay. And I guess that means something. Yeah. Although it also might mean that you're very funny to people

with no sense of humor, which is not a good thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of all the types of comedy, you're the one that humorless pieces of shit think is good. Yeah. Shall we do some correspondence? Correspondence special

dinner. Correspondence dinner. Dinner. Are we going to do the jingle? Yeah. Ring rings, emails, phone calligraphies, your sister's Are we going to do the jingle? Yeah Correspondence Correspondence So Dom gets in touch Dom

Give us some give us some. Give us some, Dom. So the title of his email, subject I suppose, is Literary Tatatak. Anger at Quarantine Blogs. Anger at Quarantine Blogs. Okay, so these are blogs that people have written during their time in quarantine, I'm guessing. That would be the obvious guess oh yes so uh dear pub bods she's good i wish yeah i wish we were in pubs yeah i shall dispense with the flattering niceties and get down to business getting angry at the

quarantine blogs of acquaintances whom you know just well enough to secretly wave your fist at What's a quarantine acquaintance? Like the people who live in your building? No, no, the quarantine blogs of acquaintances. Oh, the quarantine blogs of acquaintances. Okay, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. One acquaintance has recently developed such a literary leisurely pursuit. Oh, no.

I misread that. One acquaintance has recently developed such a literary leisurely pursuit and has provided quite literally minutes of entertainment and acted as a vital outlet for mocking to make me feel superior. Think of this as chat attack in published form. Lovely. So here he says, here is one such example. So this is a quote from the blog.

Or a title from the blog, I think. My fitness journey, colon, running 5K. I mean, I feel like I can guess the journey. You couldn't do it, and then you could do it. Yeah. Yeah. Also, I mean, look, everyone journey you couldn't do it and then you could do it yeah yeah also i mean look everyone should try and exercise more and run and do this or whatever but if you're gonna have to write a

blog about it i mean there's a guy who's run across canada genuinely through the mountains in like non-stop all those like running freaks like those guys get to write about it I guess if you're really funny writing about a 5k thing but Dom says fighting against apartheid South Africa being in prison for 26 years and then ruling the country

which imprisoned you as a journey not jogging for an hour yeah yeah long jog to freedom the long jog which imprisoned you as a journey, not jogging for an hour. No, there you are, yeah. Yeah. Long jog to freedom. The long jog to freedom. Couch to South African presidency. That's the app you can download.

Then here's another good quote. I like this a lot. I have spent the past 15 years At least Being relatively proud of the fact That I have never succumbed to the peer pressure Of getting abs That is what Buddhists refer to as inner peace

I think Yes I like the phrasing I have spent the past 15 years Open brackets, at least Yeah Being relatively proud I've spent the last 15 years Being relatively proud

It's like the opening line of a Salinger novel Yeah It's such an indirect I've spent 15 years or more Being proud of the fact that I never did this. Yeah, yeah. I like it a lot. It's very American 20th century, at the very least, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am ashamed to say that for the last 50 years, I have never been prouder to have not smoked in the presence of my former wife you just have to go you like with each additional qualifier you have to sort of blink and go right okay okay so you're at least that old right marriage okay. It was in the final summer of the war that I had recalled during the period which had just passed that at no point did I partake of missing my first love. Yeah, there you go. Now we're deep into context. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. So he comments on that saying,

yeah, sure, you could have got a six-pack. You just chose not to because it got in the way of your hip-hop classes. That seems very specific. I guess even more, give me a break. New? Who's new? You're not kidding anyone. He says, I got myself all riled up.

Apologies, this is not a poop-related email. I'll endeavor to make up for this with a personal story at some point involving diarrhea, inducing altitude sickness, medication, and the base camp of Kilimanjaro. Very fancy. Ooh, did that actually happen, or has Dom made up a story that we would like to hear?

Ooh. I reckon it's happened. Ooh, it's hard to say. It's hard to say it's hard to say although at this point there might very well be an online bot that will come up with emails bud pod would like you know there must i'm surprised there isn't like we fed this algorithm 70 episodes of bud Pod and it has come up with the platonic ideal of a Bud Pod letter this poo does not exist or just

generates pictures of people who shout themselves. I've got a very long and involved email from, I guess, Eliza, but with an S. So it can't be Elisa, can it? It has to be Eliza. Elisa. This is someone who thinks Lisa has done something, but isn't sure. Lisa. Is this your pudding?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you make this in Home Ec? Did you make this in home ec? Lisa, did you leave the keys in the sink? Yeah, something like that. Yeah, or like, eh, Lisa. Like someone who's trying to get your attention in kind of, is saying like eh like that a thing in Malaysia?

Yeah, it is. I was just about to say that's a very colonial way of getting someone's attention. Eh. Yeah. Yeah. Eh. Yeah, that would work in South Africa as well. Eh.

Yeah. Yeah. Eh, Lisa. So, Eh, Lisa. Yeah. Is Hey, Lisa. It says, Dear Pooh Boys. Fair enough.

Fair enough. Very fair. Thank you for your excellent work on this podcast. Thank you. I always look forward to Thursday morning harvest because Budpod is the first thing I listen to as I pick vegetables. I work on a farm. Wow! Budpod is picking for Britain, everyone.

Pick for Britain. People listen to Budpod to help them visualize how to fertilize the plants. The official podcast of the land army to Budpod to help them visualize how to fertilize the plants. The official podcast of the land army, Budpod. The official listening experience of all patriotic asparagus pickers. Budpod. Putting food on people's plates. On Britain's plates. When the nation shits itself, Budpod

listens. And calls out, Bravo! So she says, my husband and I live and travel, although not currently, obviously, in a large van which we made into a little home. Oh, wow! You live in a storybook. Oh, wow. You live in a storybook. Oh, wow.

That's really... Yes, yes, yes. Or an indie film. Mm. Yes, this is very... ukulele soundtrack. Although she does qualify. It's not like the pristine hashtag tiny house versions

You find on Instagram Oh yeah It is just a van It's a scary van I think it's in between Hashtag tiny houses on Instagram And scary van I think she's implying that she's somewhere in between

Those two extremes Well it does have some modern conveniences One thing that it doesn't have is a toilet. We use public loos, occasionally go behind a bush if we're somewhere really remote, and have a small white bucket which is reserved for emergency use and is labeled with a P for peas. Very good.

It has only once been used for anything other than these. Ooh. These peas. I wonder what that was. At the end of last year, we were in a part of the northwest of Australia. Oh, so not always picking for Britain. Sometimes picking for Britain's Commonwealth. Sometimes picking for our lives across the globe.

Always moving. Always picking. Picking. Picking. Picking. Picking towards glory. Picking, picking, picking towards glory. Picking eucalyptus leaves. Northwest Territory, so that's proper like angry desert, isn't it, in Australia?

That's where there is just like no one. Northwest, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's sort of where... Perth is like west-west, right? Do you know Perth is the most isolated city in the world? I've been to Perth and I can believe that. Yeah. It's the furthest from any other,

I don't know, settlement or other city. If you zoom in on Perth on a map and then zoom out, you have to zoom out shockingly far before you see another big city. Creepy, creepy feeling. So at the end of last year, we were in a part of Northwest Australia

that has very few rest stops with bathrooms. It was a scorching hot day, at least 40 degrees Celsius. Aye! Horrible. Here we are whining about 34, which is really horrible, by the way.

Mm-hmm. The weather has been gross. So, it's 40 degrees Celsius in Northwestern horrible, by the way. Mm-hmm. The weather has been gross. So it's 40 degrees Celsius in northwestern Australia in the middle of nowhere. And Elisa says that she just got her period that morning. Mm-hmm. I've obviously never menstruated in my life. There's still time. There's still time.

There's still time there's still time there's still time but i can imagine that it's something you want to have happen to you ideally and i would say even slightly chilly weather 10 degrees um i don't i'm not sure what uh what i yeah i guess it doesn't make you feel sort of hot or anyway being on your p well i yeah i mean they're just like all the cramps and effects you want just like you'd probably want the effect of cold wouldn't you yeah yeah it's like being ill and it's not good to be ill in the hot in the hot i i guess yeah yeah yeah i would say i always i always prefer to be hung over in freezing cold weather That's true

And I guess that's what I'm comparing it to So She's just Started her What do you call it? Cycle? That's a word And as luck would have it

The first day of my magical monthly menstruation Always brings diarrhea with it. Wow. Merry Christmas. Just like Gare's hangovers. Just like my hangovers, yeah. I have heard this. I have heard that this is a thing for some ladies.

Interesting. What a double punch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're just going to get everything. Enjoy. God. Yeah, it's just full- full blown evacuation zone below the belly button yes everything must go

it's such a funny horrible joke by god or whatever that you're essentially saying to someone hey there's this unavoidable thing that's going to have to happen to you and actually it's a sign of like good health or good reproductive health that it's you're essentially saying to someone hey there's this unavoidable thing that's gonna have to happen to you and actually it's a sign of like good health or good reproductive health that it's happening to you if you're like young or whatever but you're gonna immediately everything's just gonna fall out of you and you're gonna feel like you want to die just like just every every month every month it's such a fucking terrible bargain. Yeah. But, ladies, you know, guys get hangovers.

Hey. Hey. Sometimes my nuts stick to my leg. That's right. We're all suffering. Yeah, maybe a little compassion this way as well. Yeah, it's a two-way street. Dude, my balls are hanging so low at the moment, like cartoonish.

Oh, man. Cartoonish. If I walk into a room, my balls follow a couple of minutes later. Like a faithful but very elderly dog. Like Greyfriars Bobby just hobbling along behind you. Yeah, yeah. If I go around a corner too tightly, they whip around around the corner like the cord on a vacuum.

Yeah. They've started hanging so low, I'm worried about getting them twisted up, like in a twist. Yeah. That happened to a guy in my school, you know. He was boxing. He was at a boxing club or whatever.

He punched the nuts, and they twisted around each other. Oh! Yeah, the little tubes got like that. No! He had to have them massaged back into place or some shit. Horrible. No thanks.

A guy at my school woke up in the night and one had just twisted around on its own and had to have it nipped off. No, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just didn't go right. It went bad. How have we got this far with these things?

It's also stupid because they're dangling lower and lower to try and find a cooler temperature. And it's like the air is hot. You're not going to find any. There's not a pocket of cool air in between my knees good luck boys good luck fucking abseiling down to your shoes to try and find some ice to yeah yeah like like someone who's got into trouble on the Matterhorn. Try to get down there for supplies or something. No good. No good.

But. Yes. So anyway, enough about our balls. Enough about our nuts. For now. For now. Brrring. Um. Yes, so it always brings diarrhea with it. We're in the middle of nowhere with a straight road before us

And behind us Cutting through the harsh red desert that lay in all directions When the sudden need to defecate Hit me I ask my husband to pull over Before dashing in the back of the sweltering hot van Oh, a van can get hot in a land like that Yeah

Oof In search of our pee bucket Finding it, I proceeded to expel a heinous smelling substance that bore a closer resemblance to nuclear waste than a shit. I don't know what it is about my period, but it really fucks my pipes

up. Yeah, gosh. The curse of Eve. Yeah. You ladies should have stayed away from that snake,'t you we tried to warn you we tried to warn you we said this will end in tears but no you are hungry you you just thought the snake seemed like someone who knew good places to eat in town on a city break yeah and we were like no no he's he's he's trying to cheat us.

This is what they do. I read about this in Lonely Planet. And he went, no, he's trying to help. And look where we are now. It's authentic. It's authentic street food. It's authentic tree food. It is. It is.

I find it very funny to have anything where it's like a combination of nice and like, but nice for horrible reasons. So like a guy who's really, really like kind and empathetic and completely happy to talk about menstruation with women, but, but does think it's the curse of Eve. Like, that's why he's so nice about it. Cause he's like, oh, it's not your fault. It was your ancestor. Yeah. Yeah.

So he's like, he's insane and horrible, but he's actually really nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she dashes in the back and finds the pee bucket, fills it with nuclear waste. When I was done, the smell had filled the small hot space. Yes, of course. It was truly awful. While the bucket does have a lid which seals extremely well, I'm picturing a big paint bucket, big plastic paint bucket.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those big white ones with a wire carrier. The kind of things that sort of teeter precariously on scaffolding. Yes! Yeah. Yes. We didn't love the idea, which it does have a lid which seals extremely well, we didn't love the idea of

continuing to drive with my poo sloshing wetly about inside it. Yes, fair enough. And besides, given its stench, I was worried it would taint the bucket forever more if we didn't love the idea of continuing to drive with my poo sloshing wetly about inside it. Yes, fair enough. And besides, given its stench, I was worried it would taint the bucket forever more if we didn't dispose of it fast. Yes. It would soak into the plastic. Yes, well, like a bolognese in a Tupperware.

What a horrible thing to call diarrhea bolognese. Oh, God. That is really repulsive, yeah. That is horrid. Truly awful, that. If you'll excuse me, I've got to go make some bolognese. Mama's recipe.

Excuse me. That's what she should say. She should say, oh, it's my Dolmio day today you're being very irritable are you on your Dolmio day? yes sorry I forgot oh god you've checked my Dolmio tracking app

yes how saucy is my day today I took a trowel out she says that's like a little spade right yeah a little triangle spade yeah with a bent handle I took a trowel out and chose a place

away from the road to dig a hole i would not want to dig a hole in the middle of the north australian desert because it should be oh a million scorpions have come out of the hole i've made oh yeah also she must have felt like she was burying a body for the mob you just think i'm in a scene from Breaking Bad right now. I'm like sweating and going, oh, oh no. And sort of troweling a hole desperately in the red sand. God. Her husband's just like, Jesse!

Javag! You're going to bury the shit, Jesse! It'll taint the bucket if we don't dispose of it immediately. Where am I? Yes. Due to it being the middle of summer, the ground was unbelievably dry and hard. My husband and I took turns chipping and scraping away at it for what seemed like forever in the baking sun. By the time we dug anything that resembled a hole, we were both dripping with sweat.

This is a nightmare. We weren't sure if the hole was deep enough, but we figured that, given how wet my waist was, it would just drain away. It's going to sit on the top, isn't it? It's just going to sit on the top like a little puddle. Yeah, it says, of course this was not the case. As soon as we

started pouring, we realized our mistake as the hole filled quickly with steaming liquid sewage and the unyielding ground seemed to refuse to absorb a single drop. I thought maybe throwing some loose sand on top might help soak it up, but that just pushed the level higher. And it was now

threatening to spill over. We waited, but nothing seemed to be happening, and if anything, it looked like the ground was repelling it, rejecting it in the way that my very own body had. I was conscious of the fact that it probably wouldn't be long before I needed to go again. We still had half an hour to drive before we reached the next toilet.

That's love. I was beginning to feel... Yeah, you're together forever if you're in the middle of the Australian desert digging poo holes together. Then you've done it. You've found your person, probably. Yeah.

I'm always amazed that there isn't a breaking point to that kind of intimacy where people go, I've seen you pour too much of your own shit into a desert hole. That's who you are to me now. You're no longer my lover. You're a poo pourer. There's no mystery in this anymore for me, yeah. Yeah, yes.

So she says, I was beginning to feel panicked. The unbearable heat combined with the ache of my ovaries wringing themselves out was making me almost delirious, and I cursed this shit to the boiling hot heavens. We could afford to wait no longer. In the end, I just dumped the rest into the overflowing hole and we ran. Koji,

Eliza. We ran. We ran. Man, I wonder what happened to that. Imagine if they went back to that spot and there's like a verdant oasis there now. Yeah.

Like the only tree in that whole area is there. And a beautiful deer just grazing at its feet. And unable to leave its feet because there's no shade. Yeah. It doesn't know how it got there.

It's the only grass for miles. It will die if it tries to leave. Yes. Yes. Beautiful. Holly gets in touch. Holly! it's the only grass for miles it will die if it tries to leave yes yes beautiful uh holly gets in touch holly never wally the subject line is goofy prison art okay

and she says hi phil and pierre your talk of uncanny valley goofy artwork episode 60 dream pod okay it's like it's so close to a disney character i don't understand uh goofy when they paint disney characters on the walls remember the murals oh on a rubber ride and on like uh ice cream vans and that sort of thing yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so she says it really struck a chord with me Last year I was visiting family And decided to take my kids

At the time aged 9, 11 and 13 To Maitland Jail Not far from Newcastle, New South Wales Another Australian story A lovely family day out I thought it would be a great history lesson Oh, it's not a currently working jail then I don't think so

Okay My husband and I had visited old Melbourne jail Years before and heard tales of The notorious bush ranger Ned Kelly I've been to Melbourne jail, the Gowl Melbourne Gowl, yeah yeah yeah Lovely bit of stuff

And I hoped for something similar However I hadn't given any Oh it's fun when you go on the tour in Melbourne Gal where there's a lady who's your tour guide but pretends to be your arresting officer. No, she pretends to be, like, the jail warden. And she's like, All right, you all go into prison.

You all... But then she also has to be like just be careful don't get too close yeah it's just like do the health and safety as well as you piece of shit are going to jail and be aware of any exposed nails don't scratch yourself on any that's that's always fun when someone's like you aren't worth nothing to me I am in charge of this historical Oh and their gift shop is just over there Oh man I saw yesterday I was in town for the first time in a while

I was walking up Regent Street Past Hamleys I don't know if anyone People listening know On the front of Hamleys They have little performances for kids. It's a toy shop, and they have young members of staff

perform a little dance or a little mini play to entice young people. And this was on the hottest day of the year. There were two, a guy and a girl out there, just doing a little dance and doing a sing-song to one couple who were just like what the fuck's going on here like a tourist couple and no one else because there's

still not that many people in town but these performers also had their face masks on and they're going like what are you doing today jimmy dupe and there's just this one couple just looking at them i don't know What do you want to do today And then the couple just left And so they were just on their own These two people wearing masks Going And they kept going

They kept going Because that's what professionalism is It's the chilling discipline of the student actor Yeah and good on them. Hardier people than I am. I guess. God, 40 degree heat and they're just sitting there going, Oh! What's that behind your ear?

At first I was like, oh God, and they have to wear masks. But then I thought about it and realised, Oh, actually, that's probably a blessing in disguise, isn't it? Because it's not exactly something you want to be recognised doing. If I was doing that job job my first thought would be i'm glad i'm wearing a mask because my my resting expression during this would be a scowl and now i don't need to smile like a fucking disney character the whole time like with that level of pressure yeah god so she she was also a big fan of of the mel Old Melbourne Jail however I hadn't given she says however

I hadn't given any thought to the fact while Old Melbourne Jail had closed in 1929 Maitland housed hardened criminals and was operational until 1998 Wow yeah good on when we arrived we purchased audio sets for self-guided tours there was one designed for adults Good on him. When we arrived, we purchased audio sets for self-guided tours. There was one designed for adults and one for kids.

I wondered if the kids one might be a bit babyish and asked a staff member what she would recommend. They'll be fine with the adult one. Yeah. Gesturing to my eldest kids So that's, what are the ages here? 9, 11 and 13 Yeah, so 11, 13 They're getting the adult one? Yeah, so I think she just gave everyone the adult one

Okay So she says So we paid, donned our headsets, tried to decipher the map, and headed outside to start the tour. We learned all about the brutal and infamous murderers who were previous inmates, and reached the bathrooms, where we heard thinly-veiled

references to prison rape. Wow. Oh no, what was the... Oh god. How do you thinly-veil that? Yeah. Thank you you adult audio tour she says you don't want to be standing next to your 11 year old and 9 year old

and 13 year old with that fucking silent disco headphone thing happening where you're just trying not to look at them as I'm imagining given people's attitude to male sexual assault and male prison rape, probably quite a jaunty Australian innuendo about a

harrowing problem. Yeah, yeah. And you're like next to your 11-year-old and you just go, oh, for fuck's sake. Don't drop the koala! I don't know. I don't know what they... Yeah, something like that. But then, like, what would the kids one be? And here's where they scrub-a-dub-dub to be clean for the next day of prison.

Like, it can only be so nice. Or it's just gibberish. Or it's just, like, white noise. It's just... It's just easy listening. Oh, they'll be fine with the adult ones. That's great. They'll be fine.

They gotta learn. It'll scare them straight, maybe. That's what she thought. So, then she says, Then we entered the visiting room, where we heard from ex-inmates who had brief opportunities to spend time with their children there.

And she says, we saw an enormous mural painted by a murderer who wanted to brighten up the room for the kiddies. The mural was full of Uncanny Valley style artwork. Oh, no. Yeah, she says, Donald Duck looked furious yosemite sam held his guns aloft and the ninja turtles looked ready to strike out at errant children goofy and minnie's faces were a bit too pale but then mine would be too if i were on that wall i'm not sure what would scare the kids more, the mural or daddy's roommates. I managed to find a

photo online, see attached. By the end I was feeling quite depressed, but it was not all violent escapes and descriptions of brutal murders. We discovered the jail plays host to laser tag games and a prison themed escape room. And as we left, we watched staff set up for an on-site wedding.

How romantic. A wedding. Wow. A wedding venue. That's the most Australian thing in the world. Let's get married in a jail. I also know a couple of people who are from Newcastle in Australia specifically, and from what they've said, that sounds like a very Newcastle thing.

Is that patriotic to get married in a prison? Because it's like the source of Australia. Yeah, it's where the founding fathers lived. I'm looking at the mural now, Phil. And it's not the worst I've ever seen. I'll say that for the murderer. Is it? I'll say that for the murderer. It's not the worst I've ever seen. I'll say that for the murderer. Is it? I'll say that for the murderer. It's not the worst I've seen.

Donald Duck does look fucking livid, though. He's really angry. Dumbo's a bit squished. There's a couple I don't recognize. A couple of those kind of like... You sort of go, was that like a very temporary Hanna-Barbera, you know,

spin-off for one year in 1953? Right, yeah, yeah right yeah yeah yeah like like george jetson's friend from work who yeah was in like two episodes yeah exactly except that now for some reason it's it's in like uh the edwardian era but they just don't actually just go there whatever that's just what it is. Yeah. The amount of faith Hanna-Barbera demanded from us is pretty high. He's done a sort of Elmer Fudd, but he's dressed like a leprechaun. Okay, okay. Yeah. There's a fusion going on.

The Ninja Turtles of the air look pretty angry. Bambi's there. And what was this guy arrested for? Crimes against art? Murder. Oh yeah, murder. Sorry, you did say murder. And what was this guy arrested for? Crimes against art? Murder Oh yeah, murder, sorry, you did say murder Nice of the murderer to think of the kids though Yeah

That's it Ooh We have Oh Yes, this is good We got some tat, I think, from Emma We have... Oh. Yes, this is good. We got some tat, I think, from Emma. Emma, you can't blemmer.

Can't blemmer for sending us good tat. You can't blemmer for sending something. Hi, Phil and Pierre. A sober greeting. She says, I've been wanting to email for a while, but have a habit of starting to write something and then getting a visit from the old nobody cares brain monster Tell me about it God yeah

I mean you and I Our job is writing and we get a visit from that guy Yes no He has a favourite chair in my brain Yes that cunt knocks on the door With alarming regularity He lives down the road Yes, that cunt knocks on the door with alarming regularity. He lives down the road.

I get a visit from the old nobody cares brain monster and abandon the whole operation. I've made peace with the fact that my contribution is likely to be neither funny nor interesting and have written in anyway, mainly because I want to say thank you. I grew up in West Yorkshire, but I've lived in Copenhagen for the past three years. Nice.

We've been on semi-locked. The Yorkshire of Scandinavia. It's true. Copenhagen. We've been on semi-lockdown here since mid-March, and while I am extremely lucky to have a teaching job and two lovely flatmates for company, I haven't been immune to the old lockdown blues. Yeah. Woke up this morning, stayed in my room that's it that's the whole day uh a colleague introduced me to bud pod just in time for the closure of

our school and has not only saved me from who knows how many hours spent staring into the abyss but to provide much needed escapism and induce countless fits of breathless laughter oh that's great i find your hilarious chat incredibly relaxing never fails to lift my spirits i enjoyed the return of marjorie in the latest episode and have loved rediscovering sugar eagle and lucky kentucky while listening again to the early editions sugar eagle god sugar eagle sugar eagle lifetime ago sugar eagle yeah that was over a year ago yeah um uh you've encouraged me to broaden my podcasting horizons and so now she is also a listener she says of off menu and john robbins and ellis james oh nice one funny to me that we're the one like we can recommend them i was

just about to say yeah those are to the biggest podcast in the country yeah yeah this is it but some some salmons swim upstream actually a lot do this is it yeah um so she says she has some t-shirt tat to share that's what the t and t stands for it's a tat shirt tat shirt yeah i come across this sort of shit on facebook all the time and don't have the words to describe how much it winds me up so here's the tat so have you ever seen these Phil these are adverts for types of jumper or long sleeve t-shirt or t-shirt that are like

they're automatically generated using the information in your Facebook profile so like they come up and advertise to you on Facebook yes but the content in your Facebook profile. Oh? So, like, they come up and advertise, they're advertised to you on Facebook. Yes, but the content of the T-shirt

is based on your profile. Oh, God. Have you ever seen those weird T-shirts where it's like, always trust a dad who was born in April and likes socket wrenches to fix your car. Right, and these are automatically generated i i well i mean this

is me i'm making assumptions because they go right well we know that they were born in that month ai man these are deep fake t-shirts yeah and they've liked the i love socket wrenches facebook page so we'll extrapolate from that these are deep fake shirts so here's one of them here's one of them and presumably and once you buy them they just immediately get fired out by some horrifying machine in the outskirts of a Chinese city so this big jumper

thing it's bad font it looks like even Times New Roman or something and it's a kind of blurry not great picture of Freddie Mercury in black and white on a kind of blurry like not great picture of Freddie Mercury in black and white on a black jumper and in Times New Roman font

it says never underestimate a woman who listens to Freddie Mercury and was born in January why would you underestimate her there's no those facts are not relevant to anything enough to ask to over or underestimate or even estimate her it's funny isn't it because if you were to say to someone okay i've got this bot and it makes t-shirts that say i am a woman who listens

to freddie mercury and was born in january it'd be like well that's the sort of thing a robot would wear whereas if you add in Never underestimate Then now it's a statement And also it paints you as the victim Of continuous underestimation I'm so sick of people underestimating me I'm secretly so brilliant That's the story isn't it

The abject Patronisation I have received simply because I'm a woman who listens to Freddie Mercury and I was born in the month of January is unbelievable. Or if a woman was saying, oh, I like Freddie Mercury. And someone goes, wait, wait, wait, wait. When were you born?

What month were you born? Oh, February. Oh, okay. Okay. Sorry. Never mind. It's just this thing. Just this thing I have.

It's so odd. Never underestimate. It so speaks to people's self-perception as like, well, I'm always underestimated, isn't it? It speaks to this conflict conflict a lot of people have of of having very low self-esteem but a very high demand for respect yeah so they presume everyone is against them but then in return have nothing concrete to present as evidence of value so they go will never underestimate me after all i and then they start scanning their lives for something for some reason not to underestimate them and all they can bring up is that they like queen and were born at the beginning

of the year or that they have a gun I mean to be fair That is a good reason not to underestimate Someone If they are armed If I lived in America and I had nothing Going on I'd be like well I better get a gun Absolutely People are going to be underestimating

Me left and right I can't have that I've got to come into You can't bring a knife to an underestimating me left and right i can't have i can't have that i gotta come into the you can't you can't bring a knife to an underestimation fight so um the next automatically generated t-shirt thing it's like a it's a woman's gray t-shirt and it's a similar theme phil but i'm going to give you some guesses as to what it is okay i love this game so it says never underestimate a woman who and then it goes actually I'll give you more

of a clue so it goes never underestimate a woman who watches blank and was born in blank I mean there's a one in 12 chance of you getting that never underestimate a woman who watches um i'll give you a little sneaky clue the font of never underestimated woman who watches blank and was born in blank is the font of the of the of the show or movie right so it's a kind of show or movie that has its own font. It's the same font as the title. Big, elaborate title. Oh, never underestimate a woman who watches Game of Thrones. Yes! Yes!

Who was born in September? Ah, April. Close. But yeah. That's a pretty good guess, though. Game of Thrones. When you said font, I was like, font. What is a very font-driven TV show?

God, it feels like forever ago that you would get giddy hearing the ba-ba-ba-da-ba-ba. Who's going to die now? God, that was exciting. Never underestimate a woman who watches Game of Thrones and was born in April. Utterly unhinged thing to say. If you heard your own elderly relative say that, you'd put them in hospital.

All right, Nana. All right, Nana. Just thought I'd come and say hello. Oh, never underestimate a woman who watches Game of Thrones and was born in April. Oh, God. You may have been born in april but you're going to the home now you've never even seen game of thrones how do you even know enough to say something that mad she says keep up the fantastic work and take care of yourselves in these trying times emma p.s the film whiplash will forever be known in my mind as keep drumming or I'll punch you in the face.

It's a good film. Thank you, Emma. It's a good film. Thank you, Emma. And thank you for your lovely praise. I hope that the delay in us reading that out

doesn't mean you think that we also think that the Nobody Cares Brain Monster applies to your email. It was a good email. No, of course. It's nice to it's such an odd thought that this thing that we do

which we don't like we don't see the audience as stand ups I find that odd that's right it's a very different form of exchange so there's like a furloughed teacher in Copenhagen sending us that and there's also like a mum

in a New South Wales prison laughing at a goofy mural. Yeah, and a bucket pooping eucalyptus picker. Yeah, and they're all thinking, ah, I must tell Bod Pod about this. I must tell Philippe Pierre about this. It's great. It's a terrifying testament to how connected we all are now. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah, it is nice. it's great it's a terrifying testament to how connected we all are now yeah crazy yeah it's it's um it is nice it's a nice thing to think about and also quite overwhelming

yeah very and abstract because like it would make more sense to us given our stand-up careers if it was like a big theater full of the people at once as opposed to this kind of global continuous thing yeah yeah that's right yeah strange well I'm gonna go get ready to see you in the park later Phil yes can't wait to see this haircut yeah

I hope you like Persian football well if I don't I'm going to start by the sounds of it. All right, listeners, thank you for tuning in to some more correspondence. We're making our way through it. It's like eating an elephant. You can only do it one mouthful at a time. We're eating out to help out.

We're eating elephants to help elephants. We're eating out to help out We're eating elephants to help Elephants We're eating out elephants to help out I did eat out to help out yesterday Did you? On my own For anyone not in the UK Eat out to help out is a new government initiative To get people to

Eat out in restaurants But also To stay at home if possible And to watch their weight But also to eat out in restaurants from monday to wednesday yeah it's half price it's half price for like all the most delicious fattening takeaway food and and restaurant food and things like that but also obesity will will is is is um you know indicative of morbidity and coronavirus. So don't put on weight,

but do eat twice as much food. But for the same amount of money, yeah. But it's not a takeaway. You have to sit in. You have to sit in, yes. They want you to be out there drinking booze and spending taxi money. But I had a plate of noodles

and cashew chicken for three pounds. Jesus Christ. I should do that. Oh, wow. Wow-wee. And they're also trying to promote cunnilingus, of course. Of course, yes, yes, yes. At last the message...

Bloody Tories? At last all our campaigning has gone through. The only... What's that fucking petitions website? Change.org. Yeah, it's the only change.org petition that's ever worked. Alright. Keep on jacking it, everyone.

And share the podcast around do some tweets about it do some retweets about it yeah why not why not help others jack help them do it and see you guys next week bye