BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 76 - War Is Health

Episode Date: August 19, 2020

Them boys talk about Simpsons hipsterism, fruit juice, MSG, the new animism, Eating Out to Help Out, the horniest PM ever, the NHS Spitfire, the racist old sitcom Mind Your Language, Sketches: orange juice communism, Winston Churchill eat out to help out, Dr in a SpitfireCorrespondence: Gina from the NHS is nice to us, Rhys' Pooland story from the Czech border Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's ButtPot75! I think it's 76! Oh it's 76, yes you're right, oh my god. I've even got it saved as 76 in front of me, I think I just... I think I just love the number 75 so much. It is a nicer number. 76 is not very nice, it's a bit complicated. Um, 76 getting betwixt...

It's betwixt, uh, it's betwixt the nice numbers. Yeah, it's liminal. Liminal? It's on the edges. Okay. Liminal places are places on the edge or places of transition, like service stations or borders. Yeah.

It's like the Simpsons joke. We use three strategies of messaging. Subliminal, liminal, and superliminal. And Bart says, what's superliminal? And he goes, hey, join the Navy. And is it what's like Lenny and Carl? And they're like, okay. Yeah.

That's one of the best jokes on The Simpsons. It's like, well, your name isn't LT Smash. Lieutenant Smash. Yeah, that's right. Lieutenant LT Smash. That's a lot of good jokes on that episode. What season was that, Yvan Netanyahu? It's relatively late, wasn't it?

It was... One of their late bloomers yeah yeah from time to time there's a new simpsons episode that's quite good as long as it's not like got ricky gervais in it or yeah some some eerie celebrity cameo yes and it's not just like um the constant rotation between lisa learned something and homer and marge have a marriage problem which seems yeah it then again you know what's interesting is that you know there's that general opinion which is like uh you have to you have to say that the simpsons was only good up until season 9 or whatever.

Yeah. And then the lower number you choose, as long as 9 is the highest, the more of a hipster you are. But no one likes the first few. Those are just eerie and gross. Yeah. Oh, hi, Bart. No, thank you. No, thank you. But it's like, you can say, I've been in so many situations where someone's like after season 9 and then someone's like season 9 season 6 for me

I don't even know which of which seasons because all the Simpsons I've ever watched are just it's on at 6 o'clock who knows what the fuck it'll be yeah no one I have no idea maybe it will look slightly fuzzy. Maybe it will look like it was made in a computer.

Yeah. You can often tell from the quality of the opening credits whether or not you're going to like it. Oh, we've all seen the slightly grubby font of the original title and thought, aha, a classic. Exactly. Yeah. But I think when I first heard that opinion, and thought aha a classic exactly yeah but i i i think um

i when i first heard that opinion i think it was at university it's a very student thing to be told or to say like oh simpsons only up to season nine and then like you i had no idea what that meant so i just looked up what episodes were up till season nine and i and i thought oh my god there are a lot of heavy hitters right yeah and and it really shocked me that opinion the first time i heard it i was like you you only season nine but they've been like 24 seasons at the time i was shocked phil and now i think i that is the opinion i've heard the most in my life it is yeah i've had enough of that opinion what what opinions are there other opinions that you are sort of like you when you first heard them you're like this is heresy who is this devil

and then now it's like it's like hearing someone say the toaster never gets it quite right does it right right right that's interesting question. The first of... Oh, mate. I feel like it'd be something to do with food. Something... Oh, yeah. Something like MSG is bad for you. I was like, how dare you? Yeah, yeah. Someone pointing out you shouldn't pour oil all over everything yeah that yeah um yeah i remember when i when i was a kid and

we went to a red chinese restaurant with a family friend like a mother's my mother one of my mother's friends and she said oh i know msg please i was like because there's no there's no proof that msg makes you sick there's none at all no yeah what about um my mine would my food one would be how like not not healthy large amounts of fruit juice are yeah that was yeah that was a bad surprise because it's fruit it's the blood of fruit it's fruit juice all everyone says is to eat more fruit

well I'm burning the liquid form down me how can that be worse it's fruit juice it's got all the stuff in it but apparently when you turn into juice it kills all the security guards that normally keep the bad sugar out of your blood. Is that right?

I think it's something to do with the fibrous structures of the fruit sieve. I don't know. Maybe it's nonsense. I don't even know. It's also just like, even at the most simple level, if you think about how many fucking apples it takes to make like a liter of apple juice right yeah it's at least how many apples fit into a liter container and then some more because the fiber is removed right that's right so that's like what let's let's call it five six apples okay that's a lot of fucking apples to eat if you just said hey could we take a break i need to sit down and eat six apples but i don't think that's that person's not going to be come in the next day like

oh god yeah i ate too much fruit yesterday yeah but it's a lot of sugar but it's like it's nature sugar this is this is the thing i've never been clear on is when people are like no it's nature sugar. This is the thing I've never been clear on. Is when people are like, no, it's a good one, a good sugar. Is that like at the subatomic level, there cannot be a distinction. It's a particle. It's a compound. But the difference is fructose versus glucose, right?

And glucose is the... But see, I've heard that's nonsense. Is it? I've heard both. I've heard people say,. Is it? I've heard both. I've heard people say, oh, no, the glucose is from a machine, a big evil pipe. But fructose is from God's own dick. And it drips out in a lovely... Oh, it's kind.

It's kind to your organs. Whereas then I've heard a much more compelling because of its brutality theory where they're like your cells at like a micro biological level just absorb compounds they don't make a decision about where it's come from it all gets broken down just stop it and i go that's the more depressing one so it's probably the truer one yeah if there are any um nutritionists out there and um chemists to know the answer please write in and we will read it in five months yes wait which which is the one that's actually the medical one is it nutritionist or dietician oh no there's one there's one where you don't sounds more like it in it i yeah but i think that's the bad one. Yeah, exactly. That's how they trick you.

I think that's the bad one. I remember I once saw a... I think I saw a nutritionist website where the person's argument in favour of their qualification was that they weren't actually a qualified nutritionist because they hadn't done the last exam because it had stuff they disagreed with. Oh, no.

Yeah. They were just like, well, the correct correct answers i didn't like in the end and that's why you can trust me i didn't finish my history degree because i thought the questions came in too hard on stalin yeah well that's basically it yeah okay i'm looking at nutritionist versus dietitian yes a dietitian okay a dietitian is qualified to diagnose eating disorders and to design diets to treat specific medical conditions. Nutritionists deal with general nutritional aims and behaviors. General is the worrying word there.

Yeah. They deal with general nutritional aims. Right. Okay okay so historically dietitians have tended to be employed by the NHS or private hospitals to improve the health of sick people through dietary intervention dietitians do not use nutritional supplements nutritionists do

dietitians are state registered nutritionists in the main or not although this may change As the NHS starts to use them more I think maybe In general a word ending with Ishen is more Trustworthy

Than a word ending in ist Yes And also Ist is a bit like your hobby If you're an ist if we were comedyists you wouldn't want to see them you wouldn't want to watch us

but we aren't we're comedyicians that's right we're merthicians we're merthicians we're merthicians yes I'm just looking at like so the websites you look at to look up dietitians, it's like the British Dietetic Association,

who you have to be registered with to call yourself one. Whereas on the nutritionist side, one of the things you can look up is to do with complementary healthcare. And that's code for homeopathy, Phil. Complementary healthcare. Is that not just health care where you keep telling the patient you're doing great you look wonderful yeah homeopathy

this is working you should pay me again man eat this eat this copper ball It's amazing how many people have crystals these days, you know. We know a lot of crystal people. We know a lot of crystals. People have reverted to animism. Science is a circle, it turns out. Apparently, you go far enough, you end up back at animism. You end up with rocks again.

Yeah, once people start to go, maybe the Earth is flat people just go well i'm having crystals then if you if you get to say the earth is flat i get to cover my house and fucking shiny rocks i i did this on i did this joke or observation or whatever on Radio 4 on one of the few occasions they've let me scuttle through the gate. Hey! And it's just the observation that the magic rocks are always the fancy, nice-looking ones. It's very shallow. That's right, yeah.

It's never just like... A dirty old bit of mud hard mud yeah it's never a pebble is it from just like a British beach and it's never like you'll never guess what the most magical

rock of all is widely available for free what a lovely planet we live on it's almost like widely available for free. What a lovely planet we live on. It's almost like no, it has to come from far away and look a bit juicy. Look a bit like you want to eat it. Are you superstitious at all? About anything?

I'm not. You're not lucky anything. I do have behavior that could be described as superstitious but like i kind of i'm aware that i'm doing it because i'm i'm a fucking ape is it like an ocd behavior because that's sort of a superstition right well that's it isn't it so where's the line drawn really i mean i i have like little rituals i like to do i mean in the before time i would always try and be dressed the same way on stage, for example.

Yeah, I have terrible appearance superstition. That's getting better now with regards to my stage dress. Yeah. I know I can do the job without looking the same. I just enjoy... I think I just have a better attitude. I did all of my university exams wearing real shoes.

As opposed to the imaginary ones they used to walk around all the time um i mean like lace up leather lace up leather shoes that you wear in an office real shoes like as a an interview yeah yeah even if i was wearing jeans and a t-shirt i would wear real shoes wow that is that's very funny because um psychologically if i was wearing trainers because i'd worn real shoes for like my entire education yeah i couldn't it just didn't feel like concentration time unless i was wearing real shoes even just the phrase real shoes sounds wacky real shoes yeah those aren't real shoes man because that's what me and my capitalists want you to think we used to wear real shoes but you're not

you think you're wearing real shoes man but those aren't real i've seen real, man. It's like raw milk or like natural wine. It's like real shoes. Real shoes, buddy boy. Yeah, I just like the kind of the tightness and the formality of it around my feet made my sort of monkey brain go, school time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or maybe it worked. Time for school now. Maybe it worked. It just felt better. I mean, I'm not against that in terms of like, oh, I know it's nonsense, but it doesn't feel like nonsense. That's fine. It's when you start selling copper balls to old people with cancer.

That's when it's a problem. Yes, yes, yes. You're quite right. But the magic crystals thing, a lot of them are like blood crystals. Like they're worse than blood diamonds, because at least you can track blood diamonds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. like they're worse than blood diamonds because at least you can track blood diamonds yeah yeah yeah they're sort of um chipped off a cliff in malawi yeah yeah by an ambitious seven-year-old

that's right and now it's in the in the fucking culturally inappropriate dream catcher of a friend of ours i i wrote this down the other day and i don't think it's good stand-up but i like it as an idea it's like uh how how angry would you be if you if someone tried to tell you about dream catchers as an adult with sleep problems like right so so let's say you can't sleep because you were in a war like you have horrible night terrors or like terrible dreams yeah from like bad stuff you've seen or even done and then you're you're trying to tell someone about this and they're like oh would you like a little ring of feathers oh it's a net for all the bad thoughts you'd punt you'd be so offended you'd be like i'm trying to tell you about real stuff here man you're trying to sell me a trinket but it's all i mean a lot of times people who need it the most

will uh who fall for it i just i just. I just think the resurgence of astrology and crystals is just like proof that we've always needed God. And we've turned him away like junkies and gone, I love this rock then. And he just grabbed the nearest rock. Oh, you're my master now. That was close i was nearly alone in the universe there yeah yeah yeah that's that's exactly it right

it's a good thing i've got this rock yeah this god this bible is stupid and they just throw it away and you just they're just standing there just twitching But that's like... Those stars! Those stars! They'll tell me what to do. But that's like all those people who are from the West who are like, oh, I love... I went to Tibet and I... Oh, the monks. I love the monks.

And you go, oh, what do you love about the monks? And they're like, well, they have no earthly possessions and they just live in a monastery. And you're like, right, like Christian monks. And they go, no, no, no. These monks pray five times a day, even in the middle of the night. And you go, yeah, like Christian monks, yeah. And they go, no, no, no.

You're not listening. These ones chant in a language I don't understand, like Latin. No, you're not listening. They help the poor and they wear robes and they have bald heads. And it's like, have you seen a monk have you seen fry tuck and robin hood you couldn't be describing a monk any anymore and you know there's like there's ones in cornwall you could go visit you don't have to go to tibet if you want to visit a little fat bald man with no possessions and his job is to rake a garden we've got we've got him i was um i was laughing recently at this idea i don't know if you've heard um

um well a catchphrase that's um come out of recent uh social justice movements is uh silence is violence yes the idea that if you're not speaking out against injustice you actively um you are actively practicing it yeah i just laughed at the idea of Tibetan monks hearing about silence as violence and just not knowing what to do and then just going well I want

to explain myself but it's kind of against the rules oh fuck if I try to explain why I'm silent I've ruined it so it was a tough day at the monastery at the ashram when that piece of news arrived just i'm watching the one tv the tiny crt tv in the corner of one of the prayer rooms silence is violence and like oh they're just the the two monks who are in there what see that look at each other for a second and then just very slowly turn the tv off

they just think we'll we'll not leave this on we'll we'll keep this between you and me which won't be hard the others must not find out that he says with his eyes yeah he just slightly widens them like oh and the other guy goes oh i know that'd be a fun sitcom idea you know in a in a in a in a buddhist monastery when no one speaks it all has to be through facial expressions yeah what about um a comedy monastery where they can't speak but they can well they can't speak but they can do noises right it's just fun sounds you've walked past that monastery what the fuck's going on in there? I sound like a Three Stooges convention.

Say there, fella, you're looking slightly peaky. Why don't you try some of this fresh orange juice? Why, didn't you hear? Orange juice is awful bad for you. Say, that's just hocus pocus. Why, it's made out of oranges, isn't it? Vitamin C, see? Ah.

Have yourself a little sip of this and see how you feel. Well, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, mister, but... Orange juice causes communism. Every American should be aware. It's not orange. It's red. You've been eating out to help out, Pierre? You've been reading my diary. Yes, I have.

Yeah. For any non-British listeners Eat Out to Help Out is a Brilliant new initiative to get people to go to the restaurants Yes You can save up to £10 per person Which is actually significant You know That's a lot

£10 is a big old chunk Of anyone's bill It's a lot. That's a lot. 10 quid is a big old chunk of anyone's bill. It's a lot. It's very expensive, surely. Well, that's it. Yes, Eat Out to Help Out is the government scheme to get people going back to restaurants. It doesn't count for takeaways.

And not, as it may sound, like the government is paying people to perform cunnilingus on each other. Although I would like you to nevertheless sign the petition this is a annoying um thing i'm encountering is people saying of of you had to help out and how it sounds so much like going down on somebody yeah that um people are saying i mean it's definitely they definitely meant it to be that it's surely intentional like suddenly what the tories are edge lords now so wait you wait wait which scenario do you think is more you think you think that it did come up

in the meeting and they were like yeah haha i think i think there's no way they were aware of it no surely not i mean no one with the power to say yes or no to it. Eat out to help out. There's no way that the Conservative Party thought, yeah, our voters will be on side with Ace.

Yeah. You know what the average Tory party voter in the UK loves? His God, his country, and eating puss. Tory party voter in the UK loves? His God, his country, and eating puss. Those are the three things he loves. No, I think that's true because when I was younger, Phil, I would have disagreed with you. I would have gone, oh, they know what they're doing. How could you not know what you're doing? But having met people from, I guess guess what you'd call the polite side of society or some of the people you and i went to university with who were from charming cobbled english country

towns um the level of the lack of knowledge they had about even the most harmless slang term was mind-blowing yes i mean we know people at uh we know people at cambridge who went to mcdonald's and asked for the wine list so i think it's very very possible it's very possible we i mean it's like you'd hang out with these people and you'd just be like oh you've been a bar or something or a pub you know i'm just gonna go for a slash and they'd go oh with a knife like they'd have no idea like it was the most basic it was like they'd never been oh, with a knife? Like they'd have no idea. Like it was the most basic. It was like they'd never been allowed a television.

It was real Rod and Todd Flanders stuff. Also, Boris Johnson does not go down on people. Come on. No, no, no. Can you imagine? Not a chance. Not a chance. No, no, no, no. What we've learned from Boris Johnson,

from his unidentified number of children is that what he does is just immediately ejaculates as close to someone's ovaries as possible. He just does whatever he can to impregnate whoever is closest at any given point. I think the Prime Minister is the horniest man in the country

he's horny for he's horny for ladies he's horny for levelling up Britain he's horny for trade deals what we need right now is a horny prime minister well that's

it might start a new long British tradition of the prime minister having to be the horniest among us you literally make hustling yeah but imagine being so horny phil so horny that having illegitimate kids and having affairs with like four people all of whom are themselves very sort of accomplished or powerful or beautiful or intelligent women or whatever like high society stuff you're going around just jizzing all over and inside high society and you're constantly having divorces and it's constantly costing you money and child payment maintenance and

you know having to pay people to try lawyers to try and stop the press publishing things about it or scandals or this or that and all the lying and taxis and getting your clothes dry clean so they don't smell of all the other jizzing you've been doing and then the second you get a chance you just do it again it's in in a couple hundred years he's going to be like a charlemagne figure people are going to say actually three out of four people had actually descended from boris johnson just from sheer horniness alone he didn't even have to conquer lands he was just that horny he was just that horny and seemingly that able to convince people not only to even touch and sleep with him but to just

let him spaff in them immediately yeah extraordinary where's that charisma it's not in the speeches no it isn't if you have a track record as someone who spaffs in people makes them have a kid and then runs away you shouldn't be able to do it all the time in a row right

like not with that level of charisma you shouldn't be able to just constantly do it and people like well he's done it the last six times but i'm sure he won't leave me like he'll like i bet you he'll leave his girlfriend at some point when he's not Prime Minister anymore. Well, never underestimate a person's ability to feel like they're the special one. Yeah. That they're the break in the pattern. I think we're all guilty of that. I mean,

weren't we? Well, I did think that he wouldn't leave me after he jizzed in me, But here I sit without a Without an address that starts with number 10 Phil That's right Have you been following All the exam stuff Kind of

It seems insane From what I have read But I didn't i didn't do a level so i don't actually know how they work oh yeah you did the mystical ib i did the magical world globe globo exam the much more difficult for no material reason exam you end up in the same universities as people who did the easier a levels but you much had a much more difficult teenage couple of years in your teenage years there yeah an absolute slog if i may say yeah i never understood the the old ib thing but i mean it's all it's all great you know basically um the government used an algorithm to predict grades that said if if your school was rubbish in previous years

then it'll be rubbish this year and if your teachers say you got an a then they're lying and you obviously got a b and also like the larger the class the more likely you were to be marked down which basically meant that if you're in private schools then a private school saw like a five percent increase in grades well that's the yeah yeah well no that's the key that's what i read is that if you have a class of five or under your predicted grades are the same right yeah even if no matter where in the country are if it's a class of five under you go whatever the whatever the teacher says you got it and if it's a class of 5 or under, whatever the teacher says, you got it. And if it's 15 or under, which is now we're getting into private school territory for a lot of specialist A-levels, I imagine, 15 or under, it's down by 5% or whatever, like nothing.

You're basically still going to get the same grade. Yeah, it just seems like the design of a moron. I think they also made teachers rank their students so that they could then just map that to rankings from previous years and adjust it accordingly. So if you're ranked at the bottom and the last year's student at the bottom got a U,

then no matter how well you did, you just got a U. I mean, there's nothing I... They just turned the A levels into battle royale here's here's here's my problem because i was very fortunate to have a bunch of teachers that were a mixture almost down the middle of incredibly brilliant and inspiring and and deeply mentally troubled and insane and bad okay yeah so at the same time as imagining the teachers who i loved giving me predictions and thinking yes i'd be happy for them to choose my future i imagine some of the absolute

lunatics that i've had to deal with yeah exactly oh i'd have to i'd have to i'd have to do nothing i'd have to go kill myself if they were in charge of my future they would put me in a bin they would say you live in a bin you deserve to live in a bin yeah because there's loads of good students out there who just don't get don't get on with their teachers well exactly yeah well the teachers are like yeah well they get all the right answers but i don't like the way they do it that kind of thing that kind of petty shit that you get from teachers sometimes yeah yeah yeah yeah well we're very fortunate that teachers aren't uncriticizable yet that might come at some point do you think do you think they'll get they'll

reach hero status maybe i mean like no one would have necessarily thought that about the nhs even 15 years ago. But now we've got this weird thing where at the same time as kind of tacitly defunding it, we're turning it into something you can't say anything bad about. It's a hell of a mixture. Yeah, yeah. But lifesavers have always enjoyed that kind of deification, haven't they? Teachers have always experienced a more of deification, haven't they? Teachers have always experienced

a more mixed response from the public. Yeah, I guess. I mean, I just don't remember this much like hero like World War II rhetoric 15 years ago. Did you see the thing on Twitter about the NHS spitfire? No.

There's a spitfire. And it just shoots inoculations, does it? It just shoots vaccines, yeah. It just strafes you with vaccine. Adam Kay flies it. It just fires

copies of his book. That said, I am in Adam Kay's most recent book, Dear NHSs a collection of love stories nhs i i did write a story oops sorry and so do uh buy the book and support our wonderful delightful heroic and perfect nhs there you go go on then pierre so what were you gonna say pierre there's an nhs spitfire you know the world war ii fighter plane yeah and on the underneath of the spitfire it has written in what looks like i don't know white tape kind of very angular letters not curved thank on one wing the letter u on the body or chassis and nhs on the other wing and the spitfire's job phil is to just sort of fly over

bits of the country it's a real marriage of the country's current obsession and its ancient obsession being respectively the nhs and the fucking spitfire this is what i'm saying cannot let go of the spitfire it's like this it's like this weird like quasi-soviet honorary like there's no link at all also love love a shout out to the nhs from a death machine. Support our nurses, says the Sherman tank, as it rolls over. Yeah. It's written along the barrel of the cannon.

Yeah. Let's machine gun the virus to pieces with a Browning 7.62. I shouldn't have picked the Sherman tank. What were the British tanks? The British used Shermans. In fact, a lot of our variants were re-adopted back by the Americans, including Hobart's Funnies.

Well, then I stand by it. The mind flail one. But British tanks, Cromwell, Churchill. Okay. What else? The Challenger was later. The Challenger is such a humble name

for a tank. I'm not saying we'll definitely kill you but we'll give you a challenge. It won't be easy. Am I thinking of the Centurion? Maybe I'm thinking of the Centurion. That's a bit better. Yes. of the centurion maybe i'm thinking of the centurion that's a bit better um yes yeah but it's just like the idea like the nhs which was you know started after the spitfire had its moment of

glory they're just going the past you might as well just get a big flag called the past and just yell whatever you want to people while you wave it it's such a like a jumbly view of history it's like we'll get a big spitfire to say thank you to the nhs and doctors and then a big winston churchill on a on a on a hms victory wooden ship will will start a nuclear deterrent uh aboard Tony Blair's head 1997 era Carnival float. It's just gibberish. It's this big mush-mush. It's because Britain desperately needs a new tangible symbol of its global influence. And as its global influence diminishes

it's running out of time to find one and as international life has become more abstract you know how do you how do you symbolize britain's influence in the world with anything post 1945 but it's not international. It's inward-looking. That's what the NHS Spitfire is. But the Spitfire is a symbol of its war proficiency, right? And its ability to defend off the outside world. Yeah, but the Spitfire is a symbol of defense.

Battle of Britain, we're defending the island. I understand that. a symbol of defense battle of britain we're defending the island i understand that but it's but it's this like desperate desperate attempt to to milk any national myth for all it's worth despite the fact that you destroy the the whole point of the myth if there is a point to myths it's so weird it really gives me the creeps and i am a big war nerd and i normally like i'm not the kind of person who's naturally against military planes flying overhead put it that way so if i find it creepy it's creepy what would you like thank you written on a check for more money.

As opposed to a plane that was considered out of date within years after the war. Because it doesn't have a fucking jet engine. And they just go, we've got this old wooden cart we're going to carve a smiley face into, and this half-dead donkey is going to drag it around your fucking regional town. it's so embarrassing it's so weird imagine the confusion among the world war ii veterans we still have left

they look up and go what the fuck what it's the captain tom thing isn't it sir yeah it is captain sir tom we see a major now or something he's a He's a knight now as well, isn't he? Yeah, but you say the rank and then the knighthood Major, oh right, okay So you'd say like General Sir Sir and Sir Okay, okay, okay

Maybe it's his fault Maybe the Thank You NHS spent fire is his fault Yeah, yeah He really did help hammer home The World War II imagery But then why can't we just Anyone who looks vaguely like they might be old enough To have been in World War II

Can we just pay like an actor Like an 85 year old actor Like North Korea Who's going to get body doubles For veterans now To parade on the streets yeah just pay them to go oh pay a council tax or just basic civic duties that's a really good point yeah yeah yeah that no one wants to do unless a fucking lovely old war veteran tells them to yeah it's it's a much fuzzier version of saying saying not supporting the workers is counter-revolutionary.

What did the cohorts fight for, the comrades, if not for this? Your responsibilities as a fellow comrade to the... It's just that, but with scones and jam. It's twee, it's twee... I don't even know what you'd call it populism uh historical myth-based populism twee well it's kind of a tweet it's twee nationalism isn't it it's twee nationalism but it's it's still sort of voluntary that's what was weirdest about him raising money for the nhs is

that it was like extra voluntary money for a government funded thing. But that's the next level of nationalism which is that it's a free country nationalism. Are we nationalistic? But we choose to be. Yeah, you're allowed to die now.

Yeah. Like American freedom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have the freedom to not be picked up by an ambulance because you don't have a credit card crazy yeah yeah that's a great video of british people being told about ambulance charges charges in the u.s and it's a separate it's a separate bill of a couple of thousand dollars that they picked up by an ambulance. I'm amazed that not every single American is dead. Like, I'm amazed that every single American didn't die by the year 1986.

It seems like an experiment that shouldn't work if you go, okay, we're going to have a country and it's going to be a really big country, like massive, one of the biggest, physically biggest countries and also 300, 330 million people. There's going to be enough guns for just over half of them, just scattered around. And you can't go to hospital unless you have a credit card. And even then it'll ruin your life. Okay, go. to hospital unless you have a credit card and even then it'll ruin your life okay go

they just also very very low health standards on all our food yes everything's going to be full of a certain type of syrup i hope that's okay yeah and the most dangerous and addictive drugs will be freely available if anything encouraged yeah yeah you can't stay at home and smoke weed but we encourage you to just run around with a gun on uh high level opiates which you will need a credit card to access but you'll only have access to them through your credit card until it runs out, to which point you will need to go to the black market, where you can also purchase more guns. It just seems like a simulation designed to get people to kill each other. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a multiplayer map on, like, Doom. It's just guns scattered everywhere, and, like, you can pick them up. You know what it is? It's the national country-sized level of when the Joker snaps that pool cue in two and throws it at the guys. Whoever wins gets to be in my gang. Whereas, I mean, I don't know what we are. We're more like...

The entire country of Britain is like a kind of overly long murder mystery evening. Right, yes, yes, yes. Everyone's got these costumes and accents and roles that they have to pretend to believe in. Yeah, yeah, and you have to speak in riddles. You never say entirely what you mean. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, well, I'm the vicar, so I wouldn't know. What's that noise overhead? Oh, that's just the health service spitfire. Don't worry about that. Good people of Britain, our country faces before her a challenge not seen by any generation before us. A challenge to fill empty seats in restaurants

from Monday to Wednesday. But we shall persevere. We shall eat out to help out. And by eat out, we don't mean going down on each other. Wink, wink. We definitely don't mean that. Tee hee hee.

Wouldn't it be funny if we did? We must eat out to help out. We shall go on. We shall persevere. We shall eat out for lunch. We shall eat out on the seas and the oceans. We shall eat out with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, otherwise known as the Mile High Club. We shall eat out our island, whatever the cost may be, and the cost will be less, up to £10 discounted per diner, not including alcoholic drinks. We shall eat out on the beaches. We shall eat out on the beaches. We shall eat out on the landing grounds. We shall eat out in the fields and in the streets. Probably behind some bins.

We shall eat out in the hills. Careful of the grass, don't get any in there. We shall never surrender. We will survive. We shall be victorious because we shall eat out we shall eat out until the climax of this

challenge we shall finish this we shall eat out until it is finished, we shall finish them you get what I'm saying? we will eat out until the entity that we will eat out until what the the the entity that we are eating out has finished if you understand what i'm it's it's about cunnilingus for god's sake

I've been re-watching the 1970s sitcom Mind Your Language, Pierre. Ah, is that the one that's famously racist? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. and it's I think it has some redeeming qualities and it's hugely popular in Asia in India and Malaysia oh really? hugely popular yeah it's my uncle's favourite show

oh right and that's why I find it such a fascinating show and I'm slowly going through all the episodes of which there are quite a few what's the premise? the premise is it's an evening class, a night class an English as a second language class

and so it's just an excuse to get a bunch of foreigners together trying to learn English and the teacher Mr Brown is a sort of level-headed, slightly beleaguered white Englishman who's teaching them English. I've seen clips from this. Yeah, the bad guy is the headmistress, Miss Courtney. But it's just an excuse for foreign- foreign sounding people and foreign looking people to get english wrong and then um it's an excuse for puns and wordplay essentially and also some sexiness

the the french au pair is a figure is a character that is just there to be sexy and she comes in like the second she comes in the whole audience go wow and she like bends over lots and stuff um and all the male students go wow like um like they turn into wolves with big long eyes yeah yeah yeah they really do um and it's but it's absolutely fascinating periscope into life in the 1970s in like the UK and in London and

in the first, in like the second or third episode Principal Miss Courtney comes in and says you'll be having, a new student will be joining you today and Mr Brown goes oh, very good. Tell me, what nationality can I expect? And Miss Courtney just opens her eyes with this sort of gleeful mischievousness.

And she goes, African. And the whole audience goes, ooh. What the fuck? But here's the twist. There's the same episode where an inspector is coming to inspect Mr. Brown's teaching. And a black guy turns up with a strong African accent. Right.

And introduces himself to Miss Courtney And he is the inspector And he has a strong accent but his English is very good His name is Mr Kenyon Which is quite on the nose Mr Kenyon Yeah but with an O instead of an A Mr Kenyon

That'll fool him And so he infiltrates the class Mr Brown mistakes him for a student and mr kenyon does this sort of cheeky look where he goes yes i am your new student and so he sits down and um then mr mr brown starts saying some racist stuff uh uh to him uh one joke is how did you get did you fly here and Mr Kenyon says fly and Mr Brown goes

well I don't suppose you came here on an elephant unless it was jumbo of course and then the audience go and there's just lots of that sort of thing right okay I still find find an absolutely fascinating show because yeah because the bad guy is miss courtney the principal who is arguably the most

racist she's the one who's the most xenophobic and the students often like get they you know they come together to overcome certain adversities and um they look out for each other it's i just think it's very interesting and what's really interesting about if you talk to like the the two figures of most ridicule are probably um a sikh guy called ranjit and the pakistani guy called ali okay but it's huge in india and it's huge in malaysia and it's huge across asia i just think it's very interesting but i that's so all the episodes are on like youtube and daily motion i recommend watching a couple it's quite interesting it's um it's interesting as well because the scenario you just described with the inspector as well you sort of

go wait what does this show want yeah it is confusing also it is very confusing and most of the plots make no sense that's another thing to say okay because it's like okay the the african is coming and that's bad and the audience are worried and the headmistress says it like it's bad and everyone goes oh and you're all right but then the joke is that ah the inspector is also african but he's good and smart but he's still african but that's a trick but then the teacher's still racist so that's bad but it's good that he and then you sort of go it is very confusing but i think that's why i love it it's like i don't know what the principles of this show are and i i don't know what the message is i'm not always sure who the bad guy who's who's

making me who's being made fun of but i find it fascinating it's it's almost like also and also also to his credit it's like it's a it's a more diverse cast than most shows made today which you cannot overlook regardless of what they're saying at least at least there were jobs given to to non-white actors in the late 70s yeah a whole classroom full yeah it's um do you think it's interesting and complicated because like especially like the 1970s attitude to immigrants and other races and other countries was so contradictory and baffling that in an attempt to just represent how people

did think, any art that tries to do that will be inherently complex and interesting seeming. Yeah, exactly. Which is funny because that means that through just trying to depict something that is widely decried as asinine and bigoted,

it's becoming as complicated as a kind of art, an art film. Exactly. They're like, wow, you made a piece of art where I don't know what to think. It's the most complex thing I've watched in a long time. It's so complex. It's so rich. That's so funny. That's so funny, man. There are also a couple of really funny performances and a couple of bits that i've made me genuinely like weep laughing

please please when the fringe comes back can you do like a watch along of mind language i'm starting to show clips from it like a lecture do it like i would it like i it would sell it would sell out people would be so fascinated to be taken through this fucking chamber of horrors with uh or like dante's you know being guided by your you could be the virgil of mind your language what's interesting is that people love it so much it's been remade in so many countries oh that is supposedly making fun of there's an indian version there's an indonesian version there's a maltese version

that's niche as a japanese version every country thinks foreigners are funny and stupid that is true and it's so maybe that is what's beautiful about is that it proves that we can all be brought, the world can be brought together by our hate for each other. Or just, at the very least, kind of good-natured contempt. Yes, sorry, hate is too strong a word. A humorous suspicion of one another. a humorous suspicion of one another.

Not a suspicion, a humorous confusion about one another. Yeah, just sort of going, oh, well, that's a very silly way of doing things from my point of view. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That on a loop, essentially. There are also white points of ridicule, just to balance things out. So there's a German who is very sort of studious and serious, and an Italian who's quite lecherous,

and a Greek guy who is like, well, they weren't really sure what to do with the Greek guy. So he's also like a bit lecherous. And he's got a very low collar. They just thought, whatever's in the Mediterranean, it makes people insane. Just breathing it in drives them mad.

But a fascinating show. Mind your language. Fascinating show. Really, really fascinating. Oh, my Lord. Maybe that's the sitcom you and i should write phil a xenophobic sexualized rambling yeah yeah yeah there's also some real weird cuts like they'll a joke will just kind of fail, or there's not even an attempt at the punchline, and then it just cuts to the next scene, or the next character comes in. It's so...

At the same time, very tightly written, there's loads of gags, but also really sloppy and weird. Anyway, I'm just saying, highly recommend it. It's so odd. It sounds so fucking odd. I've definitely seen clips of it. I didn't know what it was from when I saw the clips from it fucking odd i've definitely seen clips of it i didn't know what it was from when i saw the clips from it but i've definitely seen that yeah my god

well can we please write that just just so that we get to pitch it to good-natured people in meetings the new mind your language yeah just to watch their reactions as we explain all the different offensive characters and jokes and just be deadly serious when we go and the country he's from is african right so that's bad these days you'd be drawn along so the culture war lines right you'd be drawn along political affiliations and what tv show you like and mind your tweet mind your tweet mind language is violence. That's what it should be. Mind your microaggressions. Yeah.

Mind your violence. Mind your violence. Mind your violence is really funny. That's just a funny title for anything. Mind your violence. Mind your violence. Mind your violence. It's very British, isn't it?

Yeah. Mind your violence. That's British history in a sentence. Mind your it yeah mind your violence that's a british history in a sentence mind your violence oh mind your violence mind your violence is a show where everyone is in some kind of um social pressure situation like a dinner party or or being a butler or running a shop but it's a constant like people getting hit with frying pans and shot and set on fire yeah it's like bottom essentially yeah yeah yeah that's the japanese title for the sitcom bottom is mind your violence

oh fucking hell shall we read an email an email you say yeah huh bum bum bum bum bum bum Hi, sorry, are you Mrs Sanderson? Yes. I'm so sorry.

Dr Smith's going to be a bit late. He should be here at any moment. I'm very sorry. There was traffic, you see. Oh! He should be here at any moment. I'm very sorry. There was traffic, you see. Oh. Oh, there he is. That's just him. That's just him landing.

Ring, ring. Letters. E-mails. Phone call. Toilets. Your sister. Five. Letters. letters, emails, phone calls, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, We should do another special next week. I think they're good. They are good. It's always great to hear from y'all. It's good to get through it all. So much good content from you guys. To give people a good reference point for Phil saying it's the most complex thing

he's ever watched, by the way, mind your language, is I still remember, and I always laugh when i remember that phil you you once you shared on facebook or maybe tweeted um the willy bum bum song willy got it in my willy i put in my bum that one yeah it's just a bunch of yeah it's just a cartoon of bums going in willies and willies going in bums yeah yeah it's very fun and silly but you tweeted it with the the caption this is my the office which always makes me laugh it's a complex idea willy bum bum it's like where it came first the bum of the willy it's very

yeah it's quite advanced uh A quick note from Gina. Gina, have you seen her? Maybe I've done that before. Maybe. She says, hello, Pooh Boys. Hello. She says, I wanted to thank you very much for your hilarious podcast. It's been keeping me going through these strange times working in an acute hospital.

Very cute. Hey, sorry about what we said about the NHS back there Sorry we spat in your mouth and face Yeah yeah we're very much on board with it We spat fired in your mouth and face You guys want fighter planes You can have as many as you want Yeah Yeah

Strafus all With your Lovely medicines Strafus all with your lovely medicines. Strafus to health. I'll see you all in health. That's what they should shout. A dentist shooting someone with a machine gun and saying they bleed because they don't floss

health razor written on the helmet yes war is health oh yes yes um so gina says i've started walking to and from work an hour each way because public transport is out of the question, of course. And your podcast never fails to make me laugh on my way home, no matter how tough my shift has been. That's high praise. Thank you very much. That's great. We are the Spitfire.

We're the Spitfire. I'm going to put thank you NHS on my undercarriage. And launch yourself over the city of London. Just moon every hospital I go past. They'll read it. They'll see what I mean. I sometimes irrationally worry. They spot a growth on your ass.

End up saving your life. She says, I sometimes irrationally worry that the police will stop me on my way and tell me off for being out of the house, and I have my response ready to go. I'm a key worker, goddammit, in the same tone as I'm a pilot. Keep jacking it, Gina.

Thank you, Gina. And jokes aside, thank you for being a key worker. Thank you for working them keys and keeping us jogging along. Yes, indeed. yes indeed and okay we'll have this one from from Reese these are these are from serious like not quite full lockdown

time but much tighter than than now so Reese says hi guys hope you're well I've been catching up with Budpod in the lockdown. Currently he's on episode 51. Oh yeah, very nice. And he says, it's been like listening to the audio logs

in a video game like Bioshock where you catch glimpses. Yes. That's very funny. You catch glimpses of what life was like before the huge societal collapse. you catch uh you catch glimpses of what life was like before the huge societal collapse that's funny man yeah maybe this observation has already been made uh but i guess i haven't rooted through the right bin to find that particular episode no i don't think so but then we're behind on the emails that's a very funny reference that's exactly what it is like

yeah that's bang on. Anyway, I was recently telling my dear friend and fellow pod bud Alice a couple of poo stories from when I used to live in Poland. Or should that be Poo Land? It's simple, but it's good. Yeah. He says, I believe at least one of them is poo-y enough to share with you. Wonderful. He says, I worked in a small town near the

czech border where i lived in a flat with my mancunian friend and colleague saddam name changed to protect the innocent there's a czech border we have to check you have to check the checks at the border you have to check the checks at the czech border yeah yeah yeah you have to check the checks at the czech border yes and the checks at the check border. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to check the checks at the check border. Yes. And the checks at the check border alternate in different little squares. And if you don't check out as a check at the check border, then you have to bribe the officer and hand him a check. So you need to give him a check to say you're a check,

and check your check at the check border. If you don't check out as a check at the check border, you better have a check. If you don't check out as a Czech at the Czech border, you better have a Czech. Yes, another new tongue twister. Yes. Yeah. I just still enjoy listening back to you going, Charlie Chunks, and then just collapsing. If Charlie chooses his chunks, then Charlie chose the chap chaps yeah it's good

so this guy's near the czech border with his mancunian friend and colleague saddam name changed to protect the innocent um he says we would often get smashed in our favorite drinking hole and i'm going to try and pronounce this cognac sviata that sounds good that sounds like a lovely lager to be honest translates to the end of the world oh very good there's one in no i was going to say there's one in camden yes there is one in camden yeah which there's a few world's end pubs there's there's another world's end near finsbury park world's end that's the end of the world yeah um so they'd often get smashed there and have little or no memory of getting home uh the morning after one such evening i was awoken by adam so someone called adam opening my bedroom door and asking angrily who shat all over my room oh no all over who shat

all over my room i was still in bed but I smelt the whiff of uh govno as they say in Poland don't think I'm pronouncing that right but oh has a hat on govno anyway govno govno uh and as soon as he opened the door it was just the two of us in the flat so I was fairly sure who the culprit

was Saddam denied it however I peered gingerly into his room and saw that there was poo on the floor, poo on the TV, poo on a copy of Great Expectations that he'd borrowed from the school we worked at, and poo in many, many other places. Wow. Wow.

I did not assist with the cleanup. Was it Saddam? Because, you know, Saddams have a history of of covering up Keeping dangerous substances Although actually in the end Those substances were not actually found So maybe it wasn't Saddam

Yeah And he says Even after a thorough purge of the room It still smelled a bit shitty And whatever we tried The smell wouldn't go away Yeah A few days later

Yeah A few days later Saddam few days later, Saddam found the underwear he'd been wearing that fateful night hidden behind his door, which had been open the whole time in an attempt to air out the poo smell. Obviously, the boxes were still full of shit. No! Oh, I just sat there like,

oh, like, like, like a fucking what's those things you put in the in the wall that you plug in like a fucking Febreze Glade plug-in just sat in the corner there oh man so

they were still full of shit we surmised that Saddam had papped his keks that's funny somewhere between the pub and the flat, and when we got home, he had torn them off in a frenzy, flinging crap all over the place. A dirty protest at his own

sleep. I'm just glad he did it in his room and not in the hallway or the kitchen. Saddam wanted me to keep this dirty little secret, but I feel it's time for the world to know the truth. Please be my Pooley and Assange and spread the word. Very good. I like that koji reese uh yeah we we we we operate a wiki leaks about leaks sticky leaks stinky leaks we yeah we operate stinky leaks i've never understood like there's so many stories we

have there seems to just be a type of person who happens to have whatever dna necessary where if you drink enough you just fill your pants with shit at some point yeah i don't yeah i don't know how i yeah i'm not the person i think i might piss myself from time to time look that makes more sense to me because booze is liquid exactly exactly exactly so it makes sense that you go okay i'm full of liquid i really need to pee because of all the liquid i drank but the liquid is also booze so i'm asleep fine but i don't know just like wandering along the street going god that was a good night at the pub let me just unleash a load of actual shit into my pants. What better way to cap the night off than to fill

my trues with poos, yeah. Yeah, exactly. God. Anyway, that's all the time we have this week. It is. I had a fun chat, Pierre. I don't know about you. Yeah, certainly. Are you going to eat out to help out tonight, Phil? If you know what I mean.

I ate out to help out twice yesterday if you know what I mean I ate out to help out twice yesterday lovely twice I ate out today maybe I'll eat out hey it's up to you it is up to me it's definitely my choice but have a wonderful day

and have a wonderful week everybody keep jacking it and we'll see you next time yeah and godspeed to anyone listening who like Gina actually does work in the NHS good luck with the Spitfire yeah yeah take them out I hope you guys get tanks soon

and infantry support yeah exactly can't wait to see you all on the streets storming storming storming the pubs with PPE grenades yeah yeah yeah oh my lord

alright cheers guys see you next week bye