BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 77 - CricketPod

Episode Date: August 26, 2020

The boys discuss their first cricket game, banks trying to be your friend, Pierre is… FACTOR. Rise of Factor. Plenty of correspondence! Including: wedding wine poo, Flora the antique toilet ruiner, ketchup chat, Pierre hates cereal, bike thief spooking Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's BudBud77 77, the luckiest number Is it? Well, I mean, you know with two dice No, two dice Seven's a lucky number, right, to get Yeah It's also the most likely number to get

Because it consists of the largest number of combinations between two dice yes three and four and two and five and one and six and so on correct that's it actually i think is that something seven is is it not is it it's it In China, it's eight, isn't it? That's lucky. Eight, three. But yeah, eight's the ideal one. Is there like a sort of a myth behind that or something? Eight, eight, eight. I guess it'll have something to do with what eight sounds like in Chinese.

Oh, right. Because that's what it is. It's all about... What's a word that sounds the same? Homonyms? Homonyms? Homonym? Does it sound like the word for money and fortune and luck?

It must be. Why is eight lucky in China? Oh, ba sounds similar to fa, which means fortune. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So fa is... There you go. Yeah, I mean, it's... It would, I guess, it would be sort of an interesting coincidence

if both words hadn't been invented by the same culture. I mean, that's... It's not really coincidence, is it? You decided to call it that. Yeah, you came up with this. Like, what would the equivalent be in English? Like, oh, bunnies are the most lucky pet because it rhymes with money.

Yeah, exactly. Bunny rhymes with money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, Chinese superstition is basically cockney rhyming slang taken to its illogical extreme. They just love things that sound like other things. That's what happens if you have such an incredibly tonal language. Yes, exactly.

There are lots of homonyms. Homonyms, homonyms, homonyms, homonyms. That's a funny word to say. It sounds like you're in an old-timey comedy. Homonym, homonym, homonyms homonyms that's a funny word to say it sounds like um you're like in an old old-timey comedy homonym homonym homonym yeah when you get you get really excited when words sound the same so you're homony homony homonym um we phil uh as some of the bud on my Instagram noticed, we played cricket for the first time in our lives

on Sunday. Yes, on Sunday a bunch of comedians went out to play cricket in Cookham Dean in Berkshire. It was the first time I'd ever played. A big shout

out to Cookham and cookham dean cricket club for um i'll use the word humoring for humoring us and by playing their second third team against us um a bunch of comedians there were a couple of good players in our teams a couple of ringers as they're called who actually do play cricket and um while they were playing we thought we had a chance so like shit comedians are pretty good at cricket and then they were you know bowled out and then and then the rest of us had to play and then we realized oh we were doing well because we weren't playing i believe it's known as uh the batting order collapsed i think is what they'd say in the game of cricket i think i think i don't really

know and and uh we just got unlucky because at least one of us went out for a duck as they say yes i'm glad i didn't go out for a duck at the at least so a duck is when you don't you go into bat and you don't make any runs and you bowled out and then a golden duck is if you're bowled out instantly yes actually i think one of us went out for a golden duck between you and i no no no someone else yeah yeah lloyd griffiths did i don't even appreciate us saying that on here um but i yeah i mean considering my history of pe and sports in general i'm talking that up as a win that i didn't i didn't go out instantly oh god yeah i mean the last time i tried to play a cricket like in a proper way like with the actual rules and kit and so on i must have been like 11 12 at most really yeah i'd never put any of the kit on so i'd i

practiced um with a friend of the pod and friend of ours uh tom rosenthal the comedian and actor um who organized the game um we did some practice stuff and i was like hey this is all right i can bat pretty good i can move around pretty easily and then and the game came and then you have to suit up because cricket is a a sort of gentle slow erudite game in which you need to dress up as fucking iron man or you'll get your head knocked out like your brain will get caved in by the hardest ball in sport and and so I've never put the pads on before and you know it's actually very difficult one to run in pads and two to see the ball coming through the grill of a helmet yes yeah I I really that was one of the things I hated as a when I was 11 or 12 and tried to do it was that I got

really claustrophobic in the helmet and I couldn't see and i couldn't see the you know where other people were around me no peripheral vision and yeah oh yeah and and yeah like you say you've got to you've got to dress up like like a a guy a guy in a fucking riot so that a guy another guy can windmill his arm to get a rock to fly at you as fast as possible that's right keep an eye on this very fast rock wild dressed like you're diffusing an ied in the hurt locker we've painted the rock red so that's the one concession we'll make to you it's not gray anymore this boulder is now red yeah it's the hardest thing in the world it's very hard but i had a great time i really liked fielding we just stand outside um away from the action and if the ball comes to you then you gotta

you gotta really make a show of trying to get it otherwise everyone gets mad at you you gotta do a big jump i i find fielding very tense because i get uh very distracted easily and then suddenly you do nothing for ages and then when you do have to do something if you fuck it up it makes you look like even more of a knob because it was the one time you had to do something yeah the one thing you had to do that's right, the one thing you had to do. That's right, that's right. I was okay at it. I was a decent fielder. I let one go because I was early on in the game and I hadn't yet grasped the rules of cricket and I didn't know we weren't supposed to let it grow.

Sometimes. It's also like... So we lost a bunch of points unnecessarily there. Oh, yeah. I mean, we all gave lots of points away. We were a bunch of points unnecessarily there. I mean, we all gave lots of points away. We're a bunch of fucking clowns. But it's so lingo heavy. Like the guys on the team who'd played cricket before,

like Tom Rosenthal, like Luke Kempner, the impressionist and comedian, they would be like, oh, just do a square leg on. And once it's a silly wiggler, then, you know, bowl a duck at him. He goes, look, you have to stop this. You must know that I don't know what that means. Yeah, yeah. For me, the most, like, just the idea of one side of the field being leg side.

And I was like, I'm pretty sure people have legs on both sides. There are legs everywhere. Which leg? And then offside. Oh, so we're not supposed to go there? and I was like I'm pretty sure people have legs on both sides there are legs everywhere which leg and then offside oh so we're not supposed to go there no you can absolutely go there but then wouldn't I be offside and the boundary is also the line

but no one's calling it the edge which clearly is the edge yes but I got quite into it I think maybe I'll become a cricket guy I really enjoyed it I started In my position as a

Guy standing in the middle of a field Hoping that they won't hit the ball at him Well actually I was watching it It was the first time I was watching it And I started to appreciate the tactics Or how it might all fit together Why anyone did certain things yeah yeah yeah and then suddenly

you start to see the mechanisms of the game starting to place and once you start to understand it's actually pretty simple structurally just two teams get turns sort of trying to hit some wood with a ball yeah

yeah so maybe I'll start becoming a cricket guy at the age of 30 is anything yeah it's not a good age to do it i think yeah i'm holding a practice cricket ball now we don't even thinking about it i bought one to practice um throwing and holding and it's just quite it's just quite satisfying to hold it's like a stress ball it is nice to hold i think yeah and like you say that watching it it's simpler than you thought but also watching it it made me realize like it is quite strategic and i didn't realize how defensive the game was in my head it was just weird baseball and you just thwack the fucking thing in the sky and run yeah but it's not it's really sort of defensive and

fiddly and tense and like one slip up and you've completely fucked up everything and I hadn't quite appreciated it till I was in it and the nice thing about comedians is that they will explain things to you whereas at school it was always like well the batsman can't fire it towards wiggle end or it'll get a silly on you have to help me

yeah I had to ask the other team what the rules were during the game I was like why did everyone cheer just then Yeah, I had to ask the other team what the rules were during the game. I was like, why did everyone cheer just then? And they're like, oh, you just scored four points. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was bowling, I said to the umpire,

the umpire was like, are you an overarm rumbler? And I was like, I don't know. I literally said, I don't know. I throw with my right hand. And he was like, okay. Oh, yeah. So your right hand over arm. Because you're bowling with the right hand and you were bowling from the right hand side of the wicket.

Left hand side. Oh, your left hand side. I thought over arm was on the right hand side. I don't know. I don't know. I don't even really remember what he asked me if i was i said i'm gonna stand here and throw with this hand that tell that's that's what i'm gonna do you call it whatever fucking ridiculous victorian slang you want well i'm amazed that it's's sort of proliferation around the world, obviously through the British Empire, but it's like it's not really a casual game to just set up.

There's so much like kit and specific measurements. Like football, you can understand how that is everywhere. You know, you just need a ball and a space designated to be the goal that can be two pieces of cloth. You can kind of understand how that is everywhere. But like cricket, you need these sticks that are just the right size and they have to be balanced ever so carefully on each other

and they have to be an exact number of yards from one another and you need all this padding but that's that's just what you need to play it safely like if you see you must have seen footage of those fucking kids in india and slums just thwacking rocks with sticks yeah i guess yeah i guess at the end of the day it's rocks and sticks isn't it yeah i like you see footage of like it's always in like some fucking patronizing hsbc advert where it's like a bunch of slum kids in india or pakistan and they've set up like they've set up some stumps and they've got like an old taped together cricket bat and in what appears to be the

dustiest field on earth right yeah yeah yeah and they're all sort of running around Yeah yeah yeah And the voiceover is something like Dreaming Is Saying yes When the Opportunity is thrown at you And they clack And this little kid's like

And he starts running Yeah yeah HSBC let us dream with you. Exactly. Trust us with your rock. The little kid shields his eyes from the sun as he watches his older brother do really well at, like, slum cricket. The voice is like, ambition means seeing chances where others see only risk yeah yeah eventually banking adverts will just be auto-generated by a bot with some

footage of a horse and someone someone throwing a coin down a well and winking just whatever i've said this to you before like banking adverts should just be just show me your rates just show me a table like the advert is just like the screen goes black and then a table comes up with your rates yeah and then your competitors rates and then let me see and then okay yeah that's all the information i need i don't need a fucking horse galloping into the sea what does that have to do with ISIS? And this big voiceover where they're like, there's nothing we'd like more than to help you and your family.

Yes, there is. Making money. I hate all that. And especially during the coronavirus, it's got worse. Like, we're here to help you. It's like, what? When did we become friends? Yeah. And you want to ring them up and go, can I just have some money then? When did we become friends? Yeah.

And you want to ring them up and go, can I just have some money then? Can I just have it? And they go, oh no. I thought you wanted to help me. You have so much money. It's literally all you do. You hold on to money. All you do is hold on to money and give it out to people who then slowly pay it back. And that's what I want to do. And they're like, no. But we're here to help you.

But we're here to help you. Do're here to help you do you want a horse it should be like yeah a blank screen and then what fades in is uh the a big number on the screen in white on black and it says 0.1 interest and it says lloyds our interest rates are the same as everyone else's. Terrible. Saving money is pointless. Buy a gun. Something like that. Yeah, so PNI Cricket Boys. I'm sorry, PodBuds.

This is going to be a cricket podcast now. Yes, we're coming for Andy Zaltzman's crown. That's right. That's right. We have quite a bit of catching up to do. He's been watching cricket a couple more seasons more than we have, but I reckon we'll get there. Yeah, it's going to be the puns that will be the hardest.

Yeah, I mean, we do puns, but if there's anything not shit-based, we're sort of at a loss. As to what sounds like what. Yes, if we could get some sort of confluence of stories of people who've pooed themselves while fielding or something. Yes, yes, thank you, yes, yes, yes.

There must be something like that. I'm sure it's happened. You're out there for a long time. Yeah, you are kind of out there for fucking hours, aren't you? I got quite badly sunburned. Did you? I feel bad because at the time you were like, I'm going quite badly sunburned did you i um i feel bad because at the time you're like i'm gonna get sunburned and i said ad is fine because the sun's just coming out and bursts in between the gray english clouds but i guess this is it i mean i've developed the um incredible ability to feel exactly when my body is being sunburned in real time that's pretty good that's like one of the abilities of, you know,

a lesser member of the Justice League. I'm sure there are sort of... There are superheroes of lower down the pecking order that are about as powerful as that. Yeah, I mean, I get to live in the mansion with Professor X, but I just, you know, I'm like a chef and I do the accounts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have lasers,

but if I'm out in the sun, I can feel a sort of weird prickling sensation. I go, oh, I'm burning. He knows exactly when to go back inside. Yeah. And your X-Men name is Factor Zero. Because you don't need any... Just Factor. Factor's good. Factor, yeah. is factor zero because you don't need any just factor

factor's good factor yeah rise of factor and I've got like the body suits and everything and I just go out and into the sun and I go I stand there for about 10 minutes and go the sun's too strong, stay indoors kids till about

maybe 3.30pm thanks factor I'm definitely one of those expendable mutants where like when the mutants are being killed by Megatron whatever the fuck his name is I get get my head pulled off and my spine ripped out in a really

horrible animation. And when you're watching the movie you're like, wait, who's that? Oh, they're dead instantly. I guess they didn't matter. They must have been like an intern. Yeah, there's a lot of really cheap mutants where they've got half blue hair, half green hair and one big finger and they just get torn to shreds.

One big finger. Sw just get torn to shreds one big finger swiper yeah touch time tracked him down through tinder professor x has liked you professor xxs xxx as he is on the uh yeah on the dating app and you swipe yes on him as like thank you for matching with me. I think I know what you need. A home. Oh, right.

I thought it was a terrible sexual proposition. No, this psychic old man just wants me to come live with him and wear latex. Have you seen Logan? I think canonically the last of the X-Men films. No, I never did. I kept meaning to because I wanted to see old Wolverine fucking around, but I never did. It's very good, but completely depressing.

Like, completely depressing. People talk about the later Avengers movies being like, oh, it's so sad, but there's still hope at the end of those. At the end of... Logan's just about the end. It's just over. It's just fucking over. So it's just like a depressing film.

Yeah, I mean, the song that went with the trailer was Johnny Cash's rendition of Hurt, if that gives you any idea of how one's going to go for old Logan. rendition of Hurt, if that gives you any idea of how one's going to go for old Logan. They're going to send him to Folsom Prison. That's right. That's it.

Shall we, you and I, Philip, do some emails? Okay. Correspondence Time for some correspondence Correspondence So nice to hear from y'all As always Always good to hear from you guys

We're working our way to you. We'll get to you. We're digging through the rubble. We'll find you down there. A quick note from John, who was my technician at Leicester Comedy Festival. Oh, nice!

Leicester Com John. Leicester Com John. Oh, no. I'm thinking of Notting John. Oh, no. I'm thinking of Nottingham. Okay, no, forget it. Yeah, John, hey. It says, just a quick email with a picture of the old queenie that a friend of mine shared that I hope you'll appreciate.

Hope you're staying safe in these crazy times. Keep up the good work. Thank you, John. And it's just a picture of the queen. You know that famous picture of the queen's enormous face at Piccadilly Circus during her big address? Her enormous face at Piccadilly Circus during her big address? Her enormous face at Piccadilly Circus? You know there's those big screens on Piccadilly Circus?

Yeah. Well, when the Queen said, we will fight the virus, she was being broadcast big on Piccadilly Circus. Was she? Was she? Was she? Was she? Okay. I've not seen this. This was like the most apocalyptic visual of the last two years. Yes. Very good. Very scary. It's above the boots. So it's that picture of her Ray Brisson will prevail vibes. Yeah yeah yeah. Very much so.

No one ever thought we'd see the queen in an abandoned Piccadilly Circus saying together we will fight the virus. Terrifying. They've changed it. They've changed the caption And it's the queen and the caption just says All poo poo times are pee pee times

But not all pee pee times are poo poo times Who has done this? Is this led by donkeys or something? No no no It's a photoshop they haven't actually done it in real life Right right right It's just a silly Photoshop. But what do you think,

Phil? All, all poopy times, pee pee times? Um, I think we've had this discussion before. Um, um, I often go in for a wee and then,

and then I end up pooing. So, so, but not all the time. So it's certainly not the case that all pee pee times are poopy times. Are all poopy times, pee pee times?

I think pretty much, pretty much. Yeah. Near as damn it i would say near as damn it i mean unless unless you've maybe is it cheating if you go for a p and then think oh no it's a poo time and then and then poo time why is it cheating who are you cheating like is it cheating to say oh no that was a poo time that wasn't a pee time but it was because you just did a pee well i mean this is where um honesty has to come into it doesn't it we just have to be honest with ourselves here look it's it's about honor yeah you know if you're going in for a poo if you're going in for a poo or if you're going in for a wee.

It's like the samurai. Yeah. It's like when you correct your own homework and the teacher's like, you're only lying to yourselves if you correct something that you know is wrong. It's the same thing. Exactly.

Bethany gets in touch. Bethany! Bethany gets in touch Bethany I've got nothing for Bethany Bethany better be Bethany better be good And she will There we go She says hello Bud-ucks

Bud-ucks I like that Absolutely love the podcast thanks for keeping going I listen to you whilst I hide from my daughter And eat chocolate during the lockdown Which is good Is she hiding from her daughter Because she's stolen all the chocolate

And the daughter's just looking for it Like a T-Rex She's written it as i listen to you whilst i hide from my daughter eating chocolate during lockdown so maybe her daughter eats chocolate in such a horrifying way ah that she has to hide from it okay yeah yeah her daughter's chomping jaws so she says i'm not sure if you have one but here's a wedding poo story For your collection Oh great The happiest poo of your life Something old

Something poo Something borrowed Something poo Being from the southwest She says I'm a big cider drinker And it's all my internals have been trained on. Wow, I like that phrasing. I've never heard that before.

To train one's internals. However, at our wedding, I had one glass of wine for the photos, and then everyone kept buying me another wine to replace the previous. Yes, a real risk. Skip to eight hours later, of wine lots of dancing including my hilarious pretend i have two dicks in my hands move

it's a fun wedding i like this wedding a lot i presume that's the sort of jerking them into your onto your face move and she's not just like holding them coldly yeah or she's not holding them yeah she's not holding them statically and then sort of sensuously kissing each one like dumbbells

lifting them up like she's working out with them we're both imagining the same absolutely frantic sideways We're both imagining The same absolutely Frantic Sideways motion Dick jerking dance I think Yeah she's a Bukkake bride

She's been the Bukkake bride Yes and what a bride And suddenly It's the end of the night Our wedding was at a beautiful well being Center with a lovely honeymoon suite That had a bath with a giant round window Overlooking the grounds

Lovely My now husband helps me stumble to the suite Where I just sob all night As I feel so awful from the alien wine inside me Oh no Ah, the wedding night. Yeah, alien wine. Alien wine.

Must not drink the alien wine. It is made from time. It's a fantastic bottle. Yeah. Made of pure time. It's a fantastic bottle of Gleep Glorp 86. Chateau Nerf de Glorp. Very good If you ever meet my husband

She says it's his favourite impression to do Even six years later Morning comes and I try to make myself feel better with a shower And lie on the bed in a dressing gown It's at this point I risk sneaking a fart Oh no But my face shows it all

Yes, I shit in the dressing gown On my wedding morning In our honeymoon suite In front of my husband Well, that's the something borrowed ruined He finds it funny and helps me out We hose me down and the dressing gown Down in the romantic bath

We hose down me And the dressing gown in the romantic bath There we are There was a couple of extra downs in there And we leave a shitty gown for the staff to find Whilst I go and shout about it to my sister In my hungover state Only now did I think if we just put the dressing gown

In a bag in the bin no one would have known They'd have thought we'd have nicked it But no, we left it to my sister in my hungover state. Only now did I think if we just put the dressing gown in a bag in the bin, no one would have known. They'd have thought we'd have nicked it. But no, we left it to be found. All the best, Beth. Man, oh, that's rough. Well, I mean, again, that's real love, isn't it? That is a good sign.

That's a good marriage, yeah. It's interesting that maybe that could become a new tradition, like when you're getting married as a young lady, one of your elderly female relatives, your grandmother, or an old great aunt, or a wise woman of the village will say, ah, on the morning after thine wedding, thou must shit thyself the true test of love.

It is most good luck luck like an old wives tale you poop yourself in front of your new husband you shall you shall for twenty years married be yes yes yes you must wait for true love's piss

truest love's sweet piss. She will only be awoken by true love's piss. That is definitely a... If it's not a line in a kind of porn parody, it should be. I've always really admired the use of the word parody in porn parodies like sure everyone's fucking but

we're going to make it funny too it's also a satire on the film industry yeah yeah yeah obviously we spend a lot of effort finding people who 30% look like the characters a lot of effort finding people who 30% look like the characters. A lot of money on costumes. Obviously, they all have to be in good shape and all porn-sized.

But we've got some pretty funny stuff on the actual show. We've got some pretty good riffs, I think, on Spider-Man. Some pretty good observations we're going to get in there. Tabby gets in touch. Tabby, get Gabby and tell us what's been happening. Yes, nice.

Bonjour, mon poopy friends. Bonjour. Yeah, she clarifies, I'm not French. I'm simply not funny enough to think of anything other than a foreign greeting Hey, it's A little bit of class, a little bit of much Needed sophistication to the podcast

She says, a long time Listener, I've spent many of my commutes Weeping on the bus as I try and hold in my Laughter, it is often easier just to pretend to be Sad than to explain I'm cry laughing at poopy Stories I've converted my sister Flora to the church to be sad than to explain I'm cry laughing at poopy stories. I've converted my sister Flora to the church.

Flora! Well, look forward to hearing from Flora. She is known as the family shitter. Ah, very much look forward to hearing from Flora. The family shitter. What a position to hold. Well, we're going to hear from her indirectly.

Because she says, and so we knew we'd have to send one of her stories in. Great. In her teenage years, she was at a sleepover with her friends. Said friend lived in a very large Victorian home. It was easy to get lost. Like a lemony Snicket film. It was easy to get lost. Like a lemony snicket film.

A big Tim Burton ramble down house. A large Victorian home. A large Victorian home. Easy to get lost. That evening, a shit was pending. With IBS, Flora simply cannot procrastinate these things

To an easier time It was happening Okay It's on in the Victorian house That's right The clock has struck poo Essentially So off she went to find a loo

When she found one There was no messing around Trousers down and it was go Sounds good When she found one, there was no messing around. Trousers down and it was go. Sounds good. After finishing her monstrous log, which she then describes as a proper chonker. Wow.

She came to the realization that there was no water in this toilet. Huh? Yes. Oh, no. She had shat in a preserved antique toilet. No! Why would you do that? Why would you put that there?

Why would you put that there? What? An antique toilet in the bathroom? An antique loo. Well, presumably she's been lost in this rambling house and gone into the historical diorama wing. Wow, where they keep, like, the original Thomas Crapper toilet or something. Yeah, the old fixtures. That is appalling.

Obviously, she panicked. What was she to do? What was Peter P do? What was Peter Poo? The bin had holes in, and so couldn't be used as a bucket. So I think like a mesh bin. Yeah. She resorted to using a Mao Am Stripe Sweetie Wrapper from her pocket and ferrying water from the sink to the toilet.

Wait, but this toilet is connected to the plumbing well she's trying i don't know right she's trying to ferry it from the sink yeah it's unclear okay okay let's see where this goes i mean obviously but like think about a Mao Amstripe Sweetie wrapper, that's like what? Less water than you could Hold in your mouth Yeah, a lot less

Less water than you could hold in your hands probably Yeah So she's using a little sweet wrapper to dribble water Onto her fucking massive turd Obviously this did absolutely Fuck all sweet wrapper to dribble water onto her fucking massive turd. Obviously this did absolutely fuck all. With great shame, she went to find her friend's very scary, very, very

tall and very Canadian father. He walked to the toilet with my sister following along like some sort of psychopath from a horror film, showing no emotion. He simply shut the door and walked away. Wait, so he followed her and looked at the poo in the toilet and then just left? And then just went, no reaction, and shut the door and off he went. Away from the bathroom.

Away from the scene of the crime. Well, not further in. No, yeah, okay. We like to think her turd is still there five years on. Uh, I mean, that's on you if you're putting toilets around the place.

The blame, you've got to shoulder some of the blame there. Because if you're going to just put a toilet that isn't meant to be used around, what do you expect is going to happen? It's not the same as someone being mad enough to shit in an IKEA toilet in a display. No, this is in a house. This is in a home. This is in a home. You're young. You're in a strange house.

You can imagine the thoughts going through that guy's head where he thought, I can't even really be annoyed about this. I'm only now realizing how unwise I've been. I knew this antique toilet habit was going to be nothing but trouble. Yeah, well, this is it. I like that he was very Canadian as well.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're crapped in my toilet, eh? Well, it's my own fault. But then he was also scary. A scary Canadian. Yes. She says...

This was missed out in the original email, but an added note. Flora blocked the toilets with another massive shit before Phil's Exeter show this year. Oh! They came to Exeter? Wait. Oh! They came to Exeter? Wait. Oh, they came to Exeter!

Not in the venue. Well, it must have been in the venue. Ah! Ha ha ha! Ah, that's why all the taps backstage exploded. Yes, well that's it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the dressing room filled with

brown water. That'll be why. Yes. That was a good show. That was a fun show, Exeter. Nice big crowd there. Back when we could all sit perilously close to one another. Nary a care in the world.

Perilously close. Yeah. Charlie sent us some praise redacted as a founding father. Thank you. Thank you, Charlie. Let's see.

Okay, Alistair gets in touch. Alistair, good pal-istair. High momentum and the set of prime numbers. There you go. Wait, wait. They're both the letter P. Momentum and the set of prime numbers. Hmm.

Oh, in maths. Right, the symbol prime numbers. Hmm. Oh, in maths. Right, the symbols. Yes. Ah, very good. Yeah, very good. Very advanced stuff from Alistair there. So advanced went over my head. And I'm the most advanced being on the planet.

He says, I've only just started listening to your pod i'm on episode 14 after two days fucking hell wow that is psychotic that is not good for your brain that's not good no that's a lot that's not that's not healthy, Alistair. Fucking hell. That's seven hours of us a day. That's a job. That's a good night's sleep's worth of us each day. That's a job with lunch. God. God.

Wow, 14 hours. That must be a contender for like highest rate of listening yes we've we've had some terrifying rates of listening in before we'd have to look through the emails to be certain some people do seem to get ridiculously far but over sort of say two weeks but yeah 14 and in two days good lord i mean i'd almost understand if we were if we were like a gripping box box set sort of new york times you know series um yeah but page where you want to find out what happens next. But we definitely aren't. If we'd released a series of podcasts that we recorded whilst unknowingly one of us was committing a series of murders.

And so people are like, you have to listen because you can sort of hear when the police start to close in. You can hear. As opposed to just what numbers look like guns so he says he started listening to us after hearing our episode of meet me at the muslim which is an autocorrect for museum ah what's the autocorrect to do to meet me at the muslim yeah as in the the fabric no no no is the religion oh meet me at the muslim yeah meet me at the muslim yeah yeah uh yes we did meet me at the museum with the the postal museum

um yes yes yes we went around the spiritual train the spiritual predecessor to this podcast yes technically yes yes yes yes he said I was aware of your work separately but didn't know you came together to combine your serene voices firstly how lucky did he feel how lucky it's like when I was a teenager

and I was gifted the album At The Summit, which is a collaboration album between Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington. And I thought these two geniuses together for a whole album!

That must have been how Alistair felt when he found our podcast. The two definitive geniuses of their form together compounding one another's The two definitive geniuses of their form. Together. Compounding one another's magic. Yeah, what a red-letter day that must have been. No wonder he's done 14 in two days.

Yeah, who can blame him? He would have done more, but he had to keep taking breaks to just voice hoarse from laughing and cheering and clapping. One of the greatest albums of music ever made, by the way, at the Summit. Duke Ellington and Louis Armstrong. Highly recommended if you like jazz at all. Is it at the Summit or the Great Summit?

The Great Summit. The Great Summit. At the Summit is like Tenzing Norgay's autobiography. Yeah, I know. It's the Great Summit. It's still very good to listen to musically tensing nor gay's um autobiography yeah he just sings the whole thing yeah it's um it's beautiful but yeah the great summit the great summit duke ellington louis armstrong um our pick of the week

um so he says firstly uh he says i have a weirdest normal thing which uh is the excessive amount of ketchup that my contemporaries put on all foods the weirdest normal thing so yeah so alice thinks it's very weird how how regular how many people put too much ketchup on yeah or they're just the amount of ketchup But it is normal to put ketchup on food, but it is a lot. I've got better and better over the years at knowing exactly how much ketchup I'm going to need. And there's a real sense of satisfaction

with that final swipe that finishes off the food and the ketchup in one go. Yeah. Yeah, threading that needle. Leaving my plate full Jack Sprat's wife it's terrible when you're a kid and you just have this fucking river of ketchup

and you think I'm mad why did I think I needed that and you're not a very saucy boy half the plate is ketchup I am not very saucy boy. Half the plate is ketchup. I am not a saucy boy, although ketchup is a non-Newtonian liquid, so I'm a lot more friendly to it. So it's close enough to solid that you're open to it, ketchup.

Yeah, like mayonnaise. It's so nearly as solid under tension. I mean, mayonnaise is essentially just very scrambled egg. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone's gone absolutely fucking apeshit when they were scrambling some eggs, and then they knocked some vinegar in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so you wouldn't class those as sauces necessarily.

No. Or maybe I'm okay with sauces, but gravies and, you know, whatever it is, consommes, bisques. Right, so the sauces you can't really control. The ones that won't stay put. Exactly. The ones that get everywhere. They're leaking under other foods and wetting the bread, that kind of thing. They're corrupting their fellows.

They're corrupting their fellows But don't you love it when you're eating a fry up And you cut into some sausage And it's all covered with Baked bean Sauce Yes yes And the slight sweetness cuts through the salty meatiness It's delish

Disgusting It's delish disgusting it's delish disgusting just just the idea of thinking like i wish all my food was equally tainted by a thin liquid is it horrible oh how do you feel about cereal i don don't like cereal. Yeah, I could have guessed that. Yeah, it's just the idea of going like, well, we've baked essentially a bunch of tiny sort of biscuits, and now instead of just eating them, you have to get your drink and put it on them, and then make them mush again,

and then now eat them, but not too mushy. And there's also something just strange about consuming milk with a spoon like it's a soup it's it's objectively it's fucking mental and i have no idea how it possibly began yeah it is so weird it's the only thing yeah it's the only time when you can just pour milk on something. Yes, yeah. If you were having a fry-up and you said, well, you know, I pour my cup of tea all over the fry-up to get it nice and mushy.

That's a lovely bowl of fry-up. It's so weird. I've always thought it was fucking mad. And it's all cold as well. I've gone back into cereal, especially over the summer, because you want it cold. It's quite refreshing when it's hot, when you walk up and it's a hot night, and you have a bowl, it's easy, just a bowl of cereal, and it's cool, cold milk. It's quite nice.

I say. But, I mean, why do they have to be in a bowl? Well, because it's quite hard to keep it on a plate. Yes. But why can't you just eat cereal and just drink the milk? Well, why don't you? You can do that with tea. Yeah.

Well, because of the effect of the marriage. Well, because of the effect of the marriage. But it's such a temporary effect that you could just have by eating the cereal and sipping your milk, right? I mean, that sounds plain psychotic. It's a lot less psychotic than going, well, this is taking too long and pouring your drink onto your breakfast. Which is the behavior of like those Silicon Valley billionaires where they try and make their breakfast as quick as

possible so they can get back to the stock market or whatever the fuck. Look, we're never going to see ice high on this. It gets even more mental where it's like, not only have we just baked these grains and now you have to wet them, but now they're in the shape of fucking leprechaun heads and they're full of marshmallows.

Now it's pudding. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, starting the day with crunchy pudding, that's a strange concept. Crunchy wet pudding that's in a bowl. Eat it quick before it soaks through the crunchy pudding. crunchy wet pudding that's in a bowl. Eat it quick before it soaks through the crunchy pudding. It's, ugh. And it's crunchy pudding that was invented to stop people jacking it.

Oh, yeah. Cornflakes. Yeah. To keep people... I don't really see the connection myself. It just kept your right hand busy for a bit, I suppose. But wouldn't all food? No, I think they thought that, like, passions were aroused by food with lots of flavours in. So the plainest sort of food would be like a cold shower.

Keep you calm. Okay, okay, okay. Imagine hating wanking so much you came up with a new food. Imagine trying so hard to stop yourself wanking that yeah you invent a dish it's like well how did you invent this incredible new type of uh it's a sort of it's kind of like a pizza but it's more like a it's more like a sort of um well it's it's hard to say. I mean, there's no real word for it.

How did you do it? And they go, well, I just was concentrating so hard on not whacking it, I was just fucking around in the kitchen. Desperately trying not to whack it again. So that's Alistair's weird normal thing. Weirdest normal thing is the amount of ketchup people put all over their food sure I think that's fair even as a ketchup user myself I can see that yeah

yeah yeah yeah and so he says anywho the point of my email is that he has an okay thank you story where he didn't say the words but the sentiment was there and he says it was a few years ago in my second year of uni living in a house in Liverpool with six other friends.

That's a lot of friends to live with. That's a lot of friends. Seven friends in Liverpool. Gosh. Yeah. He said, so he says, I was the only one who didn't mind having the room at the front of the house downstairs. So that's where the story unfolds. One night I fell asleep without locking my bedroom

door, which is very uncommon. During the night I had a dream where a man was at the end of my bed, which was strange, so when I woke up I felt quite odd. I rolled over to check the time on my phone and it was gone. So was my laptop, my bag, my rucksack, all my uni work,

everything. Wow! How about that? Uni work? Why would they want your notes? I guess they didn't check the rucksack. Oh, I saw that. These theories are garbage! Right, they want folders lying on the side like, hey,

this guy's essays are pretty good reading. It's like a burglar who does a sort of a beautiful mind thing and solves all your equations and leaves them behind so he says then i realized to my horror it wasn't a dream there had been a man at the end of my bed i had been woken by him robbing me i had sat up and said hello to him thinking i was dreaming and fallen back to sleep with a friendly goodbye to the man that's funny oh man how spooky well goodnight enjoy

collapsing back onto the pillows that's so spooky but I mean the burglar just went like I wonder if the burglar's used to it he knows like when someone's really awake and when they're still asleep. Yeah.

Or if someone says it to the burglar, like, hey, does this happen to you in your career as a burglar? Do they sort of chuckle warmly and go, oh, yes. Plenty of confused sleep talkers. Oh, in my time, I've seen a few. I've had some doozies. They've got all these funny stories man that's some bold burglary yeah that's the boldness of a crackhead gosh you think yeah because they're just so so so on target so inured to consequences that they just freeze

while you go hello oh good night and go to sleep and they think okay man so he says as you can imagine this revelation was to put it mildly fucking terrifying but the story gets better a week later when i'd plucked up the courage to leave the house i was on my way to watch the varsity rugby league match due to my ordeal i was not playing when suddenly i spotted a man cycling down the street on a bike very similar to my own. As he passed, I realized it was my own, so I started to chase him down the street,

umbrella flapping behind me. I caught up with him and quite bluntly stated, that's my bicycle, to which he replied, oh, okay, here you go, and tried to give it back to me. I didn't take it because I wasn't sure if I was allowed to, and given the police had got involved, Huh. Oh. say okay thank you i think the fact that i fell back to sleep mid robbery very much has the same energy very casual stuff from this new owner of the bike if he bought it and he just i guess he

oh okay it's your bike yeah i guess i guess he wasn't surprised because that was the level of of rat-like shiftiness of the man he'd bought it from. Where he must have thought, well, someone's going to tell me that I've nicked their bike because I'm paying 30 quid for this clearly good bike. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. From a man with like a thin

spivs moustache who keeps rubbing his hands together. You like bikes, do you? That kind of thing. He keeps saying that kind of thing you keep saying that kind of thing opens up his his trench coat and just bikes hanging from it just full of bikes yeah exactly so maybe he was expecting it he knew he was on a moody bike yeah that's spooky though that's spooky when you when you get burgled like that terrifying there's nothing more terrifying than that violation of

your most secure space like that. Once my folks came over to visit and they were in the flat and me and my sister were out and they were just hanging out in the living room and then they heard the front door just

click open and they went Phil? And there was no answer. And just open. And they went, Phil? And there was no answer. And they got up and they went to the door. The door was open. And they looked down the stairs of the apartment block. And there was just a guy in a red jacket just shuffling away. Shuffling down the stairs.

But it's only because they happened to be in that he didn't get away with it. Yeah, he must have thought there was no one there. Ah, yeah, he must have been watching. Did he pick the lock? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's, you know, the... It's a... I don't know what you call those locks.

The latch things. You can kind of... Yeah, yeah, lock. you can kind of open them because of the groove on the latch, I don't know what you call the actual thing that slides into place but if you get a sort of piece of plastic that is floppy enough but hard enough, you can kind of

slide it under and it pushes it you know, it pushes it in. Make it rigid, yeah yeah, so, you know we lock the door properly now but well this is yeah that's the thing i mean like apparently if you actually you know talk to someone who can pick locks so you see those lock picking videos on youtube it's just like most locks these guys can just get through in like two minutes it's terrifying and it's like most most doors are just like a bog standard yale lock which is

apparently like to someone who knows what they're doing just no defense at all yeah yeah that's true it's nuts it's nuts man terrifying crazy i tell you maybe i should get a better lock i had seen the guy before um it took multiple to put the two together i was walking up the stairs to the flat and uh there was just a guy there in a red jacket and he just sort of looked cheekily at me and then just started going down the stairs and he didn't live in the flat next to us so he had no reason being up there

and we're on the top floor oh and he just sort of cheekily smiled at me and then just walked down the stairs and later I realised it was the same guy case in the joint have you seen him before i get uh since i mean no not seen him since i'm i'm guessing he's avoiding the area what does he look

what does he look like he had a red like bomber jacket um his face it's kind of like the lead singer of Keen. Oh. On Hard Times. On Hard Times. Might have been him, actually. Yeah. Babyface, I guess, would be the word for him. A babyface burglar. The cutest burglar in London. A babyface burglar.

It's the babyface burglar. A city under siege. Don't be fooled by his innocent looks. The chubby cheeks of this kingpin of crime. What would be more terrifying than an actual grown man with an actual baby's face?

Just a horrible tiny head yeah that would be quite haunting it'd scare the fuck out of you yeah it wouldn't be cute I think eventually you'd try to find him quite cute wouldn't you eventually like once you sort of force yourself to look at him a bit longer you'd go

no because he's talking with like an adult baritone voice yeah give me your stuff no because he's talking with like an adult baritone voice yeah hey give me your stuff yeah that's gross you'd shit yourself that's disgusting I've made myself disgusted

I'll see you Phil at the cricket ground oh yeah we're going to be cricket boys from now on yes we're now full time cricket players and this is going to be the Bud Pod Cricket Podcast hope that's ok with everyone yeah there is talk of

what was called the four candles eleven playing again I'd be very up for that yeah I need to learn how to bowl so I don't humiliate myself again I put so much practice into the bowling and I actually got it down and the day I came to it. This is the thing, I'm good under pressure

of an audience except for sport. The second people are watching me do sport, my body just falls apart like Mr. Potato Head. Like my arms just fall off. My nose comes out of its hole. Like I just crumble to the ground. It's pathetic. Yeah. Going up to bowl, I was more nervous than when I have performed in front of maybe two and a half thousand people. Yeah.

Easily. Way more. So much pressure to not throw the ball in a way that you you you like you almost worry that like a guy a guy who looks like a tough coach from an american high school film will pop up out of the bushes and go you throw like a girl and start like spitting at you yeah even if that guy wasn't there before he'll just he'll you'll wish him into being by your weak throat Yeah But I'm well up for it I'm a cricket guy now

As we all said Thanks for listening everybody Hope you all have a good week And a fun time See you on the The green What is it? The cricket ground? The oval? The round bit? The field? At Lord's you on the the green what is it the cricket ground the oval the round

the field at Lord's yes okay is that where people go for the miracles in France yeah because we need that for cricket skills that's right we're going to dip ourselves in the water

and hope that we come out as a spin bowler of note yeah thanks for all your letters everybody keep jacking it talk to you soon bye