BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 78 - Batman Smells

Episode Date: September 2, 2020

The boys chat about Once Upon A Time In Iraq, the new Bond girl is an Irish nanny/Bond films in Ireland, the new even-more emo batman, Bedouin spiderman, batman smells of…what?! Phil’s first indoor gig, could Phil carry off long hair? East Asian long hair badass? Correspondence: April’s cement graffiti, William’s son whispering through doors, and TAT: Pierre and Phil do a DEEP DIVE on the plaque of “MEN RULES” we got on Twitter. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 78! 78! You're so 70 late! Oh, very nice. A stinging rebuke. That was the biggest burn of 2008. That's right. Yeah, what are you, 2008? And you'd have to hide from society for weeks and apply salve to that burn. Well, you'd have to wait until 2009.

That's true. You'd have to wait a whole calendar year. Yeah. 2009, a year in which, at worst, you'd be 2005. Fine. Yes. And then in

2010, it happened again! Yes. And then in 2010, it happened again. Hey, speaking of the early 2000s, I've been watching The Harrowing But Excellent Once Upon a Time in Iraq. Yes. It's on the iPlayer. I thoroughly recommend it to anyone above the age of 18. And maybe, well, it's, I mean,

it can be hard watching, but it's superb. It's so good. It's a series of interviews with people who are there. And, you know what, Pierre? I reckon the Iraq War was a fucking catastrophe. And it started so strong.

Oh, man. I, like like uh i mean i always knew it was bad but i had no idea i had no idea just how incompetent and directionless yeah the whole operation was bungled bungled from start to finish well that's the that's the irony is that the first of 30 days of it or whatever it was just like everyone was expecting this huge fucking war and like gas and nuclear maybe getting involved like chemical weapons and then it just crumbled and they moved into baghdad within like a fucking two weeks and they were not like they just like the actual war was the easiest bit it was the not deliberately sabotaging the structure of civic

society that they fucked up yeah yeah well it's so interesting at the beginning a lot of the Iraqis were like yay you got rid of Saddam great and the Americans were like you're free and the Iraqis were like, yeah, you got rid of Saddam, great! And the Americans were like, you're free! And the Iraqis were like, brilliant, cheers!

Can you turn the electricity back on? And the Americans were like, you're free! And the Iraqis were like, we could really do with some of that water we used to have. And the Americans went, congratulations on being free! You know what it is? It's so clearly like an administration and a military,

which is only ever focused on what you might call the fun and exciting bit. Yeah. It was like, we blew up the enemy tank. And you go, that's great. And now you're in charge of the town. And they go, oh, now I'm essentially the mayor. I didn't want to be a mayor. I wanted to blow things up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was playing Red Alert wanted to blow things up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was playing Red Alert, not SimCity. Yeah, exactly. I'm only interested in building to the point where it can help me blow up more things. It's just, I mean, extraordinary. The concept of all the gear and no idea doesn't apply to anything

as much as it applies to the american troops or when it's iraq i mean yeah i mean high high javelin michelon so they just blow up overhead of their own soldiers it's just what a what a nightmare what a nightmare and it makes you wonder about when we invaded germany in 1945 and how different it was where people were like, well, of course we have to restart all the factories and get people working again. I mean, that's where Volkswagen comes from.

In its modern form. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Obviously it was a Hitler car before, but then a British major who was in charge of that section was like, well, obviously we need the factory open again. We need to make more of these Hitler cars the Hitler mobile rides into action

the mustachioed psychopath arrives in his Hitler mobile featuring his doughty sidekick Mussolini boy just in case you've just tuned in featuring his doughty sidekick, Mussolini Boy. Just in case you've just tuned in, no, this isn't a podcast from 2004.

We really are talking about the Iraq War and the 1960s Batman. I really wish it was a podcast from 2004 sometimes. 2004. Oh, no. That's us done. In 2003, the Iraqis were 2003. Then after that, it went downhill. Maybe that's why 2020 is so bad, because nothing rhymes with 20.

Plenty? Plenty of disasters. Yeah. Plenty of virus. Plenty of virus. 2020 is the year we all got really big coffees and that's why we all have such bad anxiety that's right um maybe i think i think plenty of virus is the name of the new bond girl she's irish right she She's Irish? Yeah. Plenty of virus. Virus is spelt F-G-H-A-O-U. Plenty of virus.

Z apostrophe, the at symbol. Yeah. I'm afraid this is going to have to be your new assistant, Plenty of Iris. Well, hello, Mr. Bond. I like the idea that the next Bond girl is called Plenty of Iris, and she's like an old Irish tea lady. Like the nanny from Father Ted.

Go on. You'll have some virus. You'll have some virus. Well, why don't you use your fucking laser watch? Oh, yes, of course. What would I do without you, Mizzo Virus? Yeah, you know what? Actually, never mind the first Black Bond.

How about the first Irish M? When are we going to break down that barrier? I like the idea of them trying to present a head of a British spy service with an Irish, a prominent Irish member. Exactly, yeah. You're going to Northern Ireland Bond and you're not coming back James Bond films must count in Ireland legally as horror films

right yeah at least enemy propaganda yeah the Brits are everywhere you'd be terrified watching it. They've got lasers. It's like watching Predator for humans. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're in the air vents.

Yeah, and it's like with Freddy or Jason. It's like you think Bond is dead, and he just comes back and rears up behind you. Just loads of Irish people leaving the cinema, ashen-faced. He's just everywhere. His stationery, his weapons, and he has sex with women under dubious states of consent.

He's a terror. Do you think they'll ever come back to whimsical Bond with fun gadgets or are we in, it turns out, the real terrorist with the CIA territory for the rest of our lives? I think we're in gritty movie for the rest of our lives. I mean, I don't know if you've seen the new Batman trailer, Pierre. Oh, it's gritty as all hell, isn't it? It's gritty.

It's a gritty reboot of Christopher Nolan's gritty reboot. Yeah, I have grit stuck in my teeth still just from watching it. So much grit. I love it though. I love it. People keep going, oh, it's another serious Batman. I love serious Batman. I will watch serious Batman. I will watch the same Batman movie made

again and again and again for a thousand times over. I don't care. I will watch it again and again and again. I cannot be out-grumbled. I cannot be it again and again and again I cannot be out grumbled I cannot be out darked I cannot be out batmanned I am really looking forward to this batman it looks even more emo than before

his bat symbol is made out of the parts of the gun that killed his parents Jesus Christ yes please that is some emo batman I love it I love it I didn't even know that that's insane yeah yeah yeah oh yeah yeah if you zoom into his bat symbol on his chest it's made out

of the parts of the gun oh my god it's such a one-man like advert for fucking therapy yeah it it's a bit much it'd be such a funny conversation for him to have with alfred where he's like uh this is this is my new bat suit i'm gonna wear it when i go out and fight crime and alfred's you know trying to look out for him he's like oh yes master wine but don't do you have to have the murder weapon in the... Maybe that could go back to the police, maybe. How did you get that, by the way? You have so many concerned questions, if you're a proper nice old butler.

Yeah, also the idea is that, you know, it's so I never forget. It's like, were you going to forget? This seems to be your entire personality. I don't think you're going to forget. You don't do anything else. You worried you get so into gardening that you're going to...

Wait, someone killed my parents. Like, you'll suddenly pop up from a flower bed one day and go, oh, the crime. I like the ramblingness of Gotham sometimes I like it when they make Gotham so rambly and carved looking this is like American medieval this is what American cities will probably look like in a thousand years

not now what do you mean rambly? there's gargoyles and old rock buildings rambly? There's gargoyles and fucking old rock buildings and like rambly alleyways and things, you know? Oh, it's great. I mean, I guess that's from the animated series. No, I guess it's actually from the Tim Burton stuff maybe. Yeah, and the way that it's depicted in comic books is sort of always fantastical and kind of endless.

It's like Spider-Man. He never runs out of skyscrapers to swing from. He's never just jogging. That's true. That's true. Yeah. Spider-Man's not a superhero for the desert. Certainly. No. Bedouin Spider-Man is a, is a absolutely dog shit adaptation that I will not recommend. Caravan Spider-Man Yeah Not much to do Spider-Man, Spider-Man

Riding a camel caravan Through the desert going at night Cause it's too hot in the day for him He'll die The song ends He'll die he'll die he'll die he doesn't know the ways of the desert it's charms he'll die he'll die do you think there'll ever come a point where where is this new batman so emo that he actually does kill people or is he still no kill batman well there's a bit in the trailer where he beats

a guy up so hard and so relentlessly and so viciously yeah hard to believe he isn't dead but um i mean like he you just watch him break his arm, punch him in the face, keep punching him until he's on the ground, and then continue to smash his face in. And you go, I mean, if he's not dead, his life isn't worth living anymore. But at least Batman hasn't broken his one rule.

He's just broken that guy's skull. Yeah, I'm looking forward to Technicality Batman, where there's just... Where the Bruce Wayne Foundation has to pay for an entire new hospital just for all the people put into comas by Batman. None of them are dead, but they're all in comas forever.

Where does manslaughter come into play in his rule? I've always wondered this. Where does negligence and manslaughter come into play? I know you want murder, but what degrees are we talking about here? Do you think that if you accepted that no-kill Batman, as a rule, was as immutable as, say, gravity, then that means that even if Batman kills people, it is always manslaughter, because he never intended

to, because Batman doesn't kill people. Ah, right, right, right. Very much the Nixonian approach to Batman ethics. Yes, exactly. It's not illegal if Batman does it. Yeah, exactly. If Batman kills him, it's not murder.

If Batman kills him, it's not murder. It's, because he can say, well, I didn't mean to, because I'm Batman. You know I didn't mean to. I hate killing. I just punched him until he wasn't alive anymore, and that was a shame. There's a bit,

at the end of Batman Begins, spoiler alert, when he and Ra's al Ghul are in that train that's about to derail and crash into the ground and Batman's about to glide off he says, I'm not going to kill you but I don't have to save you. And you're like, oh, okay.

Well, unless Rajal Ghul can suddenly grow a pair of wings I don't think he's going to be alright. Yeah, it's interesting that by that logic Batman could just push people off buildings and pick them up and tie them up and put them

very near a big fire or just lead them into a wood chipper leave poison around and hope they drink it so you don't have to give them the antidote it would come to the point where even the joker is like look man just kill come on this is silly now in a way that's as obtuse as the riddler isn't it

just someone someone who's like well i'm a terrorist but i i don't see any reason to make it as as simple as normal terrorism notoriously is yes yeah yeah if anything it's it's it's it's more psychologically torturing yeah it's um it's funny that the Riddler would watch a video where ISIS claim responsibility for something and be like, aw. I wanted to work that out. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Spoilers. Yeah.

I can't wait. I cannot wait. His Batmobile is like a muscle car. Like a muscle car like a muscle car from the 80s or something what kind of soundtrack are we talking here we got Hans Zimmer back in the room well get this the trailer has a

the trailer is accompanied by a Nirvana song oh yes yeah just in case you were in any doubt The trailer is accompanied by a Nirvana song. Oh, yes. Yeah, just in case you were in any doubt as to how moody this Batman was. Smells like bat spirit. Smells like guano. Smells like bat guano. Smells like bat guano smells like bat guano i really hope the the sound system in the batmobile just plays hurt on repeat

yeah um when you start the car just immediately john Johnny Cash starts going, I hurt myself today. But then it's really inappropriate for shorter drives. Yeah. Like it sounds silly because you sort of get in, you go, okay, I'm driving the back. Hurt myself today to see if i still feel you're just going down the road yeah eventually it would great i would like to see um one it would be a lot scarier to have a cheerful batman or is that just the is that just the Joker? Just like a chuckling sort of benign killer?

I suppose yeah yeah just a guy who sort of injures you very badly and makes a little quip about it. I mean that's Bond isn't it?

Yeah I guess cheerful Batman is James Bond. And then makes a little quip about it. I mean, that's Bond, isn't it? Yeah. I guess cheerful Batman is James Bond. Yeah. Cheerful, murderous Batman is James Bond. Cheerful, sexy, murderous Batman. That's true. That's true. Very sexy.

Batman can't get laid because it's too fun. And he has to be sad. He is celibate, yeah. He took an oath. Oh, did he? Of cel is celibate, yeah. He took an oath. Oh, did he? Of celibacy? No, no.

Was that part of his ninja training? No, but it's sort of like he near as damn it has. Okay. It's an unspoken oath. He's just asexual now. He's not interested. So Raz Agul was like very circumspect about it.

Very circuitous. And try not to release any of your natural energy, if you see what I'm saying. Actually, I must correct myself. That's not true. He does have

famous affairs with Talia al Ghul and Selina Kyle, of course. There'll be Batman fans screaming into their earphones right now. I just like the idea of like, you can't do that thing where you just appear behind Commissioner Gordon if you've jizzed in the last week. Just Commissioner Gordon going, Well, men, the Riddlers hit another... Oh. What is that funky...

It's kind of like sweat, but... It's got a slight, sweet... A slightly sweet kind of edge to it. Oh, Batman, there you are. Did someone cum? Oh, dear. That Batman can't sneak up on people because he stinks of cum.

You got to clean the suit, Batman. At least air it out I only have one I only have one rule And I only have one suit Do you know how expensive the suit is? Who can I trust to try clean it? God, yuck Yuck, I say Who can I trust to dry clean it God Yuck

It's such an undignified quality For Batman to have And a chillingly good sense of smell on Commissioner Gordon It's true It's how he got the job it's how he made Commissioner you know the case that made Commissioner Gordon's name no one from CSI could find the jizz on the crime scene

but by god Gordon could do it yeah he just came in and he was like he just pointed at the upper corner of the ceiling There It's there I'd stake my career on it Hey I was

I performed indoors Last night Pierre for the first time Since Since the end of Civilization as we knew it. How did you find it? It was great. It was fun to be back. It was eerie

performing to people indoors with masks on. We have performed to people with masks on, but it was outdoors. It looked a little less out of place, but indoors, people with masks on, but it was outdoors. It looked a little less out of place, but indoors, people with masks on. Yeah.

Well, it was a bit odd. Any ninjas in tonight? I really couldn't tell how it had gone, because I couldn't see people were smiling or frowning or anything. Well, you had a pod bud in the audience. Did I?

You did. They tweeted the podcast account. Who was it? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Joe Parker. Hello, Joe Parker.

Joe Parker. Lovely Joe Parker. Yeah. Was there? He said. Joe Parker. Lovely Joe Parker. Yeah. Was there? He said... Joe Parker sitting in the darker. Yeah, he said, great show last night. Could it be the first indoor show in the after now normal times? I was debating calling out Koji, but I bottled it.

Oh, great. Well, thanks. It's always a double-edged sword when someone shouts out Koji in a gig, because it's always nice to hear from a pod bud, but for the non-pod buds in the room, it is very confusing. Yes, yes. And it's very, it only

gets more confusing the more you try to explain. Yes. So I kind of just have to go, haha, yes, good to see you, and then move on. Which leaves everyone in a sort of like a state of, what had you, did that just happen? Did I hear that? What's going on? I almost quite like that though because I think it makes the non-pod buds

feel like they're missing out on some kind of private members club But I always feel that's sort of exclusionary and it pushes people away. At least that's what it would do to me. If I went to see something or someone and it was made obvious that there was a deeper level of connection that I was not privy to, it would push me away.

But maybe that's more to do with my personality type. Yeah, I think it does depend on who you are. Some people go, wait, what was that? Me, please feed me the special food. I want it. And some people go, well, I'll shove it up your ass then. And they storm out. Yeah, I'm very much a second which also means that um i i've sort of um not pursued many things in my life but

at least i've always felt uh uh righteous yeah righteous and in control that's right whereas i i think i'm often the opposite whereas Whereas I go, oh, what is it? Oh, please tell me. And then it's always like 90% of the time it's disappointing. No, I think that's the better way to operate, though, because you engage with more things than I am and you know about more things than I am, than I do, because you engage like that.

Maybe. At least I have my pride. We'll do a swap. Which you lost years ago. At least I I have my pride. We'll do a swap. Which you lost years ago. At least I still have my pride. You are proud and locked in a very tall tower on your own.

I'm surrounded by people grubbing in the mud trying to lick their feet. That's right. That's the way it, trying to lick their feet. That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay in 2020. I'm like Rapunzel up in my tower, growing me hair. Do you think you could carry off long hair? That's something I wondered before I got my haircut.

I think about this all the time. You know, I always look better than I think I will with longer hair, but it's never gone down to my shoulders or anything. I think a lot of East Asian dudes with long hair end up looking like either pop stars or the guy who Mel Gibson has the guy who mel gibson has to fight at some point a lethal weapon yeah yeah yeah or um keanu reeves i think every asian guy

with long hair at one point from an angle you go it's like keanu reeves yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly and and it's uh it definitely if you're an east asian guy and you have long hair i um i'm coming into that conversation assuming that you are at least from some angle a badass that's true and that's true because there's a whole samurai kind of thing it's like if you see an asian guy with very long hair you go oh this is because he's very disciplined in something yes yes a white guy with very long hair, you go, oh, this is because he's very disciplined in something. Yes, yes, yes. If you see a white guy with very long hair, the opposite conclusion. Oh, he is very undisciplined.

He should get a haircut. That's it, isn't it? Isn't it interesting that the traditional martial haircuts of the culture affect what you think? That's true. And an upside of being Asian is I reckon the only man who can get away With a top knot Yes Do you reckon?

Or like Maybe not a ponytail but something like a top knot I think an East Asian guy or an Asian guy looks very cool Yes I think it works Like one of those ones where it's all sort of Woven in You look like a samurai Yeah you'd think You're very good at something.

Yeah, absolutely. That's right, yeah. You've done one thing so much. Yeah. I reckon I'm going to try that. If I ever get the ability to grow facial hair and I'm still holding out, I'm going to try and grow a beard

and a little top knot and look like a cool uh like mongolian warrior or something ah that would be good that would be good whereas i sort of think that if i if i had long hair if i'd let my hair grow down to my shoulders and god knows how long that would have taken because i'd all through lockdown i let it grow and it got long but it's still just taking forever because it just gets it got long but it's still taking forever because it just gets thicker and thicker it doesn't hang I reckon I would look just like

I just really like Metallica yeah that's right maybe I even hit the road with a few bands you might have heard of if you listen to a lot of metal yeah yeah it's my job to carry some of the heaviest speakers onto the stage that's right that's right your your shorts have a lot of pockets in them oh yeah

yeah a lot of pockets yeah i'm wearing those like camel colored reinforced steel toe cap boots and i've got a leatherman you have a leatherman your um you've you've got a Leatherman You have a Leatherman You've got three carabiners on you at any time I've got a Leatherman I've got three carabiners I've got a kind of leather wristlet Yes That's right

Leather wristlet It's like one with a sort of like a clasp. Like there should be a watch face on it, but there isn't. It's just the strap. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And often weirdly I've seen with like roadies or like tech people for theatre or music shows, loads of tattoos or none.

Yeah. people for theater or music shows loads of tattoos or none yeah yeah it always seems to be either like the illustrated man or like oh no i i don't i don't do that sort of thing like they're sort of weirdly clean living yes you're right you're right maybe it's because they see so many famous people who are like losing their fucking minds because of even just like beer maybe maybe that should be that should be the new scared straight instead of convicts coming to schools and scaring the fuck out of kids it should just be like pop stars just going you guys want to hear a song? And all the kids, ahhh! On the contrary, aren't they also exposed to the most attractive elements of that? You know, seeing superstars all the time

in front of thousands of adoring fans. That's true, but they don't like the public because they have to shepherd them like sheep through little channels and watch them throw up on themselves. Yeah, horrible. Horrible! Yeah. Yeah. sheep through little channels and watch them throw up on themselves yeah horrible horrible i've yeah i've that's one aspect of festivals i've really not missed this year

watching people behave like cattle yeah yeah yeah yeah just the absolute filth of it it's disconcerting it's disconcerting and And as we discussed after you went to Glastonbury, you do encounter people, a lot of crystal folk, the new animism, like you said last week, I think. A lot of woo-woo. A lot of crystals. Lost a lot of crystals about. A lot of crystals, a lot of poop.

Speaking of crystals and poop, shall we do some emails? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Correspondence. All right, correspondence. Correspondence Alright, correspondence Correspondo Corresponder April gets in touch

April Wow, April 2000 and April Yes Don't be 2000 and April, April I don't know what it's like to have To be named after a month Like, do you reckon for April

When April comes around She gets a sense of Grandeur Do you think she Does her self esteem go up or go down Does she feel Because everyone's talking about her I've always wondered that When she looks at it on the calendar Does her self-esteem go up or go down? Does she feel... Because everyone's talking about her, you know?

I've always wondered that, because you see it on the... When she looks at it on the calendar, does she think, Ha, there I am. That's right. Or when she was at school and you had to write the date every day, would she write... I mean, it would feel pretty good for a month, a year at school to go, Today's the 23rd of Phil!

You know, 1998 or whatever. Phil Fools. That's it. April's Fools. That'd be a cool thing to call all her exes. That'd be fun, wouldn't it? April's Fools. Yeah, yeah.

April's Fools. That's fun. I always found it weird if I was was in france and uh pierre means rock or stone in french oh god peter petrify yeah yeah yeah petra um the rock which is a nickname the rock upon which i will build my church simon peter and so uh i see the signs if you drive past cliffs it's like attention you know les pierres like the piers are coming i just had this image of loads of views just tumbling down a a hill but you're not like

rolling over you know when you like start walking down a slope and it's steeper than you thought it was gonna be and you're like and you're like walking but very slope and it's steeper than you thought it was going to be and you're like and you're like walking but very fast and and you're about to lose control you bend all the way backwards yeah that's what i see there's loads of you doing that down a hill towards the running away. April, April, April. She says, hi, Phil and Pierre. I started listening to your podcast as lockdown laws started kicking in, and I'm so glad to have stumbled across Budpod.

I can't help but cackle loudly when I'm listening to your podcast in my morning walk and my jog. People stare at me like I've lost my marbles, but haven't we all by this point? She says, I've always found poo stories unnecessarily funny. They're very necessarily funny. I think if you didn't laugh,

you'd cry. You'd have to cry. Someone would go, I did a horrible poo this morning. Harrowing. I wonder what the evolutionary... I wonder if there is an evolutionary reason for finding poo so funny maybe it is because it's just taboo right it's just tab it's taboo it's just taboo it's it's it's taboo put taboo but also like the experience of like something horrible

just like having to come out of you all the time would be so traumatic if it wasn't funny, surely. Every day. Why isn't bleeding funny? Because it doesn't have to happen. Right. It doesn't have... Right, right, right. And it's dangerous.

Whereas pooing has to happen and it doesn't matter. It's not dangerous to happen. So it's just like this humiliation that is visited upon everyone. It's humiliating. Bleeding is, you're right, bleeding is not humiliating. If anything, it can look quite heroic. Yeah, yeah, that's right. So.

Yeah. I've always found poo stories unnecessarily funny. Growing up, my mum used to think there was something wrong with my brother and I, as we constantly cackled that anything slightly resembling or sounding like poo I thought maybe turning 25 might mature me out of it but obviously it has not you've really found the fucking podcast for you April well done um good lord yes uh so she says and this is a very good photo I'll describe it the other day I was walking down my street for a coffee and I found these words engraved in the sidewalk. I thought you guys might find it funny.

Hope you're staying safe and sane. Lots of love from Sydney. April. So. The photo is, you know when the pavement is made of concrete squares and there's a sort of new, there's some new ones. They've come and put some new paving slabs down. So they're a bit lighter than the others, maybe? Exactly.

These ones are light as all hell, Phil. Okay, great. And someone has taken, I don't think their finger. I'm going to say an old pencil. The end of an old pencil. And in the still-drying concrete, they have inscribed a little message in tiny little letters.

I'd say each letter is about the size of a big toe. Right, okay. But wait, this is the concrete between the slabs? Sort of, yeah. Not between. It seems like they almost poured the... poured almost, like, three or four inches of concrete around the central tile.

Okay. So there's plenty of room to write. And in little letters, they've written there, Pooh Bum Wee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can't fault it. It's just good classic stuff. Pooh Bum Wee. And all in lowercase, Like a lowercase p. Very interesting style.

Brilliant. Really, really enjoy this. Really made me laugh, that. Because the lack of formality is funny. The graffiti doesn't even want

to intrude on you, so it's lowercase. Oh, poo bum wee. What I really like about stuff that's inscribed in cement is that you know there was a time pressure on it. Because it's not going to be wet forever. You know. Yeah.

So you're under... The vandal is under time constraint. Not just that. Time pressure, but also trying to do it unseen, like someone cracking a safe. Yeah. My chance is here. Pooh-pah-mooey.

What am I going to write? Come on, man, we have to go. Just shut up, give me a second. Just write pooh-pah-mooey. Really? Come on, we've got to go. Pooh-pah-moo second. I need to think. Just write Pooh Bamwee. Really? Come on, we've got to go. Pooh Bamwee. Cut the red wire.

That vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Will gets in touch, and I really like this email from Will. From Will to a Phil. Hmm. So Will says, hello, lads. Nice. Very nice.

As anyone with young children knows, trying to get some private toilet time is a real struggle. Okay. In our house, one bathroom has a lock on the door, and one does not. Okay, oh, one of those. One of those households, is it? Yeah, with just a tiny with uh just terrifying to visit yeah you go over for dinner or something and you just go into the bathroom and you go oh i guess

everyone here is a pervert and you just there's no lock on the door yeah you're like pissing or sitting on the loo with the unlocked door shut and you're sort of thinking should i be on the loo here just going like yabba-dee-bop-peep-bop-boo i am a guest in the toilet well the most baffling thing is when the people who live there just like they open the door and you go oh i'm in here and they go oh sorry and you think you live here but don't you know to check you live here, you know there's no lock on this door you're so comfortable with just wandering in and out of toilet rooms so this is William's situation

so in our house one bathroom has a lock on the door and one does not and I've had to abandon the lockless one as both of my children find it fascinating to come and have a chat with me while i'm busy strangling a mars bar strangling a mars bar very nice strangling really fight for your life stuff uh also like yeah the implications of what

he's accusing this this pooey Marsbub what are you doing here just grabbing who sent you scrambling your pooey who sent you what are you doing

coming out of my ass how did you get in there what are you yeah what are you yeah what are you so he says so his kids his kids love to come in and and say oh dad why do elephants have a trunk or whatever while he's trying to have a shit so he has to use the locked one so he says it's even worse during lockdown when every bowel movement is a matter of public record and frequently a topic of discussion at the dinner table yeah of course i'm therefore grateful for the toilet with a lock on the door and that has become a place of sanctuary however

of late my son who is four and a half, a very funny age, I might add. That's me talking there. Okay. My son, who is four and a half, has taken... Very funny in what way? As in just the number? Or like, one is normally funny at that age? I think they just become quite opinionated, and they sort of...

Funny, and they start saying of funny and they start saying things and they don't have any filter. That's right. Yes, yes, yes. You've become conscious of just enough to comment on the world, but not enough to know

obvious things about it, right? So you can kind of engage with the world, but you still don't know anything. Exactly. It funny is a funny perspective yeah yeah so well to that end however of late my son who is four and a half has taken to sitting outside while i'm in the locked toilet and when noises emerge whispering disgusting under the door in a judgmental manner that's so funny disgusting disgusting disgusting That's so funny Disgusting Disgusting

Disgusting But just like the way that little kids whisper Like stage whisper Disgusting Can you imagine The shock and how much you'd laugh The first time that happened When you're just on the loo in the locked room

Disgusting Jesus Christ The shock and how much you'd laugh the first time that happened when you're just on the loo in the locked room and just like, disgusting. You go, Jesus Christ! What is so funny is that that child has identified precisely, like, precisely the insecurity that people put locks on doors because of. Yeah, like a sniper. He's seen his father go in and lock the door, and he's identified precisely why.

And he's used everything in his power to nullify the measures his father has taken to avoid that embarrassment. Yeah, he may as well have dissolved the lock in acid. That's funny. That's really funny. Also, it's so funny if a little kid whispers something under a door, the sound doesn't come from behind the door.

It so clearly comes from underneath the door next to the floor. Yeah, yeah, that's exactly where I'm picturing it coming from. Yeah. Disgusting. After each little fart or plop. That's so funny. That's so funny and it's so weird. It's such an incredibly disturbing thing to do.

I love it. It's such a little... It's such... Yeah, it's so, it's such an adept little bit of terrorism. Yes. Yes. True domestic terrorism. Yeah. You've really, you're hitting them where they, where it hurts. Like you've really, yeah, it's really adeptly done. That's so funny. That's amazing. He said, Will says, i think nobody in the entire world has had to suffer as much as me during the current crisis vondergaard's will oh man i reckon the four-year-old is going to end up like a really good therapist or counselor or something because he yeah he obviously just knows what people are afraid of and how they feel and what motivates them yes yes that's true isn't

it he's got this kind of preternatural ability to zero in on something so he'll either be a great therapist or like just a hell of a bully. Fantastic bully. That's right. Or that. Or both. First one then the other. Yeah, absolutely. I just hope he uses his

powers for good, you know. Disgusting. Disgusting. disgusting disgusting I guess it's also before sort of the age when you first become aware of embarrassment right and you come

kind of obsessed with the idea of embarrassment and you become easily embarrassed yourself it's the first awareness of dignity right of social mores is it mores or mores social mores i've heard both i've always said social mores because mores just seems a bit that's a more it just seems a bit silly in my head i would say mores just to be distinctly different from mores because otherwise you know you know, it's quite ambiguous.

Surely, yeah. I've never been clear. I've never been clear. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I'll say mores. Yes. Oh, we should actually engage, I think, with some of the stuff we get sent on Twitter.

I don't know if you saw the truly aggressive kind of women in a pub tat that we were tweeting about I think you saw it oh yeah it was horrible read it out again it's one of those sort of it's kind of one of those enamel plaques I guess

the idea is you put it in your your home bar or it's in like a bad pub. Your fun pub. Your fun local pub. That's right. Yeah. Or maybe like a misjudged man cave or something.

Yeah. Yes. So it was sent to us by the fantastically named Dan Stables. That is a good name. Hell of a name. fantastically named Dan Stables. Mm-hmm. That is a good name. Hell of a name. So, yes, it's a sort of enameled metal sign that's been drilled into a wall.

Yep. And it says, MAN in big letters, which is always a warning sign. Mm-hmm. Any time that begins with one of the sexes is bad news. Yes.

Men, please read rules. That's what it says just underneath men. Yeah, so the idea being that what follows is a list of rules for men to follow. Number one. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them. So that's an interesting...

I like the idea of meeting, formally meetings and breasts. Yeah, and shaking them with your hand. Good to meet you. Sir Alan, these are my breasts. Ah, it's a pleasure. It's a pleasure. It's a pleasure. It's a pleasure. It's a pleasure. It's a pleasure.

I've heard so much about you. Only good things we hope. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Why, I'd have said that they were his daughter's breasts. Oh, you do go on. Lovely. A lovely Victorian play there about talking breasts.

Number two, and this one doesn't make very much sense. If you want to control someone, sleep with a remote. Absolutely baffling. If you want to control someone, sleep with a remote. I mean, what they're saying is if you want a sexual partner that you can control, that sexual partner might as well be a remote control. Yes, and what's interesting though...

But then what's wrong is if you want to control someone, a remote control is not someone, unless this remote control controls a person. And now we're in a whole kind of new sci-fi world and far beyond the remit of this TAT. Far beyond the remit of the TAT. And also, the remote isn't what you control. You use it to control the TV.

Exactly. I wasn't even going to go there because i thought it's too layered for this too layered but you're absolutely right you don't control the remote you control the tv but maybe maybe that's what they're saying maybe if you're if you want to control someone sleep with a remote and the remote will let you control the tv but again yeah tv is not someone yeah you're at best controlling the volume of a newsreader who is someone that's good okay okay okay okay that's good actually p.i maybe you're onto the original meaning of the author although maybe you're not giving the author too much credit here it's very confusing if you like and also i like the idea of um maybe there are men that do this but the idea of a man walking into a pub and saying where

are some breasts i can meet so i can control someone thinking like a fucking robot that's been sent from the future it is also not like i think you have to pick your targets with this sort of um empowerment tact let's call it so on the first in the first rule is like uh don't look at my breasts you're not going to meet them all right so the target is sort of just some jack the lad fuck boy right yeah and then the second rule is if you're looking for someone to control, look elsewhere. It's like, okay, well, this is a different kind of guy, really. You know, this is not just some horny, you know, just some horny moron coming into a pub.

This is like a psychopath, like long-term controlling abusive partner. Yeah. It's altogether more sinister. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like a completely different thing now it's um the irony being of course that if they really are that manipulative they'll they'll be the ones who probably put the tat up right so the ultimate gaslight yeah they can put it up and be like uh

men are like this aren't they ladies who wants wants a drink? They're always a bit gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas, yes, it's sort of the tat gaslighting equivalent of that form you fill in if you go to America, which says, are you a member of the Nazi party 1939-45? Well, no. I don't think this form is going to catch me. So that's Baffling. Number three, rule number three here

Phil I always choose Chocolate over men Right Which I guess Is the female equivalent of Beer over women or something That's true

But it's like you choose chocolate over men And beer over women Yeah something. That's true. But it's like, you chew chocolate over men and beer over women. Always. Yeah, in what context? I mean, if it's to eat, I think that's the correct choice. If it's to talk to, eh,

that's not helpful. Maybe it's pointing out the mistake that a lot of men do, which is they walk up to women and go, well, you can either suck my dick or eat this chocolate. And they go, well, you've made a mistake there, sir. You've given me a very easy choice, might I add. Yeah. Chocolate always.

But what's also great about this is that it it combats the so combating misogyny with sexism yeah i'm not just some harlot for you to have sex with i love chocolate you know it's like who's side are you on yeah it's like saying uh don't stare at my breasts they belong to my husband there we go that's that solved don't look at my breasts slap my ass like a gentleman yeah ass like a gentleman yeah so number four is quite strange i don't know how this is a rule per se it's like um less of a less of a question more of a statement territory we're in um rule in quotes number four 51 love goddess 49% bitch Yeah Not really a rule

No and also Not a strong mandate No I mean that is less clear than Brexit There'll be protests Yeah yeah yeah There'll be The bitches versus the goddesses Yes Yes indeed Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be the bitches versus the goddesses.

Yes. Yes, indeed. And this is just like, it's a hint of the aggressive tat that we saw with those Mexico mugs. Yeah, it's aggressive ego tat. I am mostly a goddess, but near as much a spiteful, vindictive, aggressive person. Yes, and because I've warned you... And this combination is a good thing somehow. Yeah, and because I've warned you that I'm awful, I'm allowed to be awful. That's right. If anything, it's empowering now that I've warned you.

Yes, and you're stupid for not listening hard enough when i said i was awful and walking straight into it i'm if anything uh righteous for having pointed it out i mean it's like when it's like that tat you see where it's just like a t-shirt that just says like taco bitch or whatever and you just think why why it's this outward aggression directed at the world The faceless world It's just like anger Yeah this This presumed Confrontation With the world

Yes starting off like Aggressive like a guard dog Just bad teeth Yeah It's very much like the don't mess with a woman born in January who likes mayonnaise. It's like, well, who's going to mess with you?

Why do you presume people are coming to mess with you? Who's this director at? Contact them directly. Don't put it on a shirt. Number five is misspelled. I'll say it as it's supposed to be spelled. My sexual preference is no. I mean, this is a very different statement to I am a person who is deserving of respect

and not a sexual object. It is another thing completely to say my sexual preference is no. Okay, so you're a monk. You're asexual. You're asexual, which is fair enough. But I don't think this is a position that is common enough to require a mass-produced tat.

No, and also we're halfway through the rules so far. And the rules are summed up as, you'll never see my breasts. You can't control me. I prefer chocolate to all of you. I'm mostly, I'm almost entirely a bitch. And I hate having sex. Jesus Christ.

The irony, the irony is that any, it's the ramblings of a psychopath but the irony is that any man any decent man who listens will have got halfway through the first five rules and gone oh well I'll be going then and the only people left obviously every second I'm spending

here is an affront to you and everything you believe yeah so I'm spending here is an affront to you and everything you believe. Yeah. So I'm going to call the police from what you said. Welcome. Your sign has worked. Good day, madam.

Also, my sexual preference is no just plays into this dreadful characterization of sex between the genders. It's something men want and women hold and protect and it's something that has to be sort of coerced out of women yes and so ironically this this this tat is that's on the you know ostensibly empowering it's just it's just adding fuel to the flame it's it's just the constant implication that sex for women is is trying to get sex out of a woman is like trying to get a friend to drive you to the airport at 5 a.m yeah yeah yeah like they might do it but it's not you know it's yeah you have to be really convincing you have to offer something very valuable in exchange or you have to like guilt trip them or whatever but the irony is that after these rules

the only men left will be the kind of statement ignoring not listening persistent assholes who this is designed to scare off well done filtering out anyone who's not a sociopath yes you've reduced your dating pool to literate maniacs. That's what you've done. And also the illiterate, to be fair. Also potentially illiterate good guys. Yes. Yes, the illiterate.

Loitering hopefully around. Yeah. Number six. My body is a temple. Now get on your knees and pray A very Very very different Feeling than Rule number one

Which was to not even look at my breasts Yes Very different sentiment My body is a temple And get on your knees and pray Am I praying for it? You only pray when you're in a temple Are we on your knees and pray am i praying for for it you only pray when you're in a temple are we fucking already that's right i mean you have to be in a temple to pray you don't

pray at a temple am i praying to have to get access is that the way to do it is that correct i suppose the implication is that you should worship my body but also remember rule one and don't look at it. You have to worship it but imagine it. That's right. You've never seen it. I'm a formless gas. An angry chocolate eating gas. I'm like a sexy Jupiter. Yes.

And you have to imagine a big ring around my hand. You have to imagine... A big ring around my hand, yeah. You have to imagine and pray. So, maybe it's a really profoundly atheist statement in that you can pray about my body, but it won't get you, like they're not answered. It's like nihilistic. That's right, right, right, right, right. So maybe that's it. It got like nihilistic. That's right.

So maybe that's it. It got a bit Nietzschean. Number seven. This one's interesting. I guess this body is so... You are so beneath this body, you cannot... You shouldn't look at it. Also because you're so beneath it, you should worship it.

Yes. But then it gives rise to... Yes, exactly, it's a paradox. It's like the God paradox. Could my breasts be so enticing that even you could not help but meet them? Right, right, right. Could I choose chocolate over men so much that I

run out of, even I run out of chocolate some kind of paradox this needs further analysis it does, it does, it's rich number seven, this is an interesting rule so the first part is it says it's not the size that counts it's dot dot dot

no wait, size does count. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. An uncharacteristic stumble there from an otherwise very confident person. Formerly fluent. Formerly fluent, formerly very steadfast and sure of herself. Now suddenly, suddenly, rule seven, she's lost a bit of confidence

in what she's saying. She's rubbed it out halfway through. Size doesn't count, dot, dot, dot. Yes, it does count. Now here, one could, I think, very fairly accuse the author of hypocrisy. I think in the first half of these Ten Commandments, I don't know if there are ten,

but in the first half of these commandments, she said, she's implied at least, my body is not an object. Do not look at it. You won't get to touch it. It's also something to be worshipped. You're not worthy. But also, you are reducible

to your sexual organ and your value is reducible to your sexual organ yeah and fundamentally what the rule says is you better have a big dick so i can not fuck it and eat chocolate that's true yeah that's it that's the other thing it's very confusing what this person wants because we she's also previously um said that she's asexual so what what interest could she possibly have in a large penis unless she just likes a guy who can control his urine stream with great accuracy yes he uh she she she admires it in a kind of purely aesthetic sense. Yes, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Number eight, we're back

to the aggression, and it's misspelled. The word peace in this is misspelled. It starts with, remember you horny piece of shit. What a way to start a rule. Jesus Christ, you were just talking about dicks. You're the horniest one here Arguably

Yeah you've been rambling on about Not wanting to fuck the huge penises You demand and now Remember you horny piece of shit Jesus Christ I didn't see you behind me Fucking hell It's also a real you horny piece of shit. Jesus Christ. I didn't see you behind me. Fucking hell.

It's also a real... It's also a real rhetorical break from the rest of the list to now go remember. Yes. Previously it had just been a statement of rules. Now it's become a bit like conversational.

Remember. She started to lose her patience now. What's that called? The invocative or whatever? It's like, remember, like throw, go. What's that called? The grammar's changed. The syntax has changed.

Right, yes, exactly, exactly. Instructive. Remember, you horny piece of shit. Her relationship to the reader has really changed. Yeah. So she says, remember, remember you haunting piece of shit and then it's a full stop and then

which is weird and then the second sentence is girls are made of sugar spice and all things nice I care to disagree I don't even have to look beyond this one rule to find evidence to the contrary.

Your rules contain the seeds of their own destruction, madam. Who's the horny piece of shit now? Okay, remember you horny piece of shit. Girls are made of sugar spice and everything nice yeah is that it that's it that's just what you have to remember you horny piece of shit wow yeah okay i'm gonna start addressing you like that when i see you hey you horny piece of shit oh man so this this there are 10 commandments this is that was number eight this this is number nine yep this is number nine men are like hardwood floors gosh okay i can't remember this men are like hardwood floors

Men are like hardwood floors. And they're for you to walk over. Yes, well, basically, it's a very sort of unexpected bit of quite good carpentry advice. Okay. I think it's fair to say that we don't necessarily expect good sort of old-fashioned DIY advice

from this person so far. Men are like hardwood floors lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever now yes i have to give it up that is a decent bit of wordplay at least at least it does kind of work it does it's undermined by the fact that now, apparently, we're back in the territory where this person is willing to have sex again. Yeah, yeah, very confusing. But also hypocritical because you've now explicitly expressed a desire to control men, having previously said, men, if you want to control something, fuck a remote control. fuck a remote control. Yes.

Yeah, that's it. And it's like, you can't control me, I'm not just a body. By the way, you should have a huge dick and I'm going to control you by fucking you. But I'll never fuck you, I'll eat chocolate. It's the ramblings of a mad woman. Yeah. Yeah, were these rules group-sourced? It feels very much

a committee, a piece of committee work. I have a dark and growing suspicion that these rules were just written by men. Right, okay, okay. Yeah, I think that might be very possible. Because the sudden inclusion of a piece of advice about hardwood flooring almost accessed Phil. conclusion of a piece of advice about hardwood flooring almost accessed phil and the fact that it depicts women as they always seemingly depict as kind of like irrationally horny and not horny in a way that's baffling and impossible to predict right of course yes yes yes which is why um cold and yeah i do remember having a moment when i was growing up when i was watching

some action movie to turn my brain off and i mean i was like young i was like a young teenager maybe and in like almost every one of these action movies the like girl character is always like pointlessly weeping or stupid or it's like but we can't shoot him that's murder things like that things but where like the debate about being in a gunfight has gone far beyond think concerns like that and i remember thinking uh god why women in films always so fucking annoying and i went wait all these films were written by men yeah and it was genuinely blew my mind i was like they've made the characters like this there are whole decades of films where every time a woman speaks the nearest man gramps her by the shoulders and shakes her no matter what she has said like there's there's a scene in i don't

know if you've seen the the warriors yes in the warriors find a vaccine for the disease calm down you more don't let your hysteria overtake you and like there's a scene in the Warriors where the Warriors are walking through a tunnel to get through New York and there's a lady with them and I swear she says

something like are you sure we're going the right way and the guy grabs her by the shoulders and just shakes her just shakes her like

calm down calm you're being insane Calm down! Calm! You're being insane! You're being insane! So this is my dark suspicion. And then number 10, it's a bit of a letdown actually, number 10. We feel like we've been building to some kind of irrational hypersexual and asexual at the same

time conclusion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And instead, number 10 is just save your breath for your inflatable date right yeah save your breath for an inflatable date um so so the final instruction after all this journey we've been on is don't talk to me go blow up a sex doll. Don't even try. After all these detailed tips and hints and demands, actually don't bother at all. Go do something else.

Actually don't bother at all. Go fuck a balloon. Go fuck a balloon. You're better off that way. I mean, at this point it's very clear the author has just reached for wordplay and gags. Yeah.

Laying the boards and breath for a balloon. Yeah. We've sort of lost interest in the meaning behind these rules, if there ever was any meaning, and now it's just kind of gags and puns. Yeah, I think they should have closed with hardwood floors, and they should have opened, or close to opened, Inflatable Date should have been first or maybe third in the list, I would say.

I don't think Inflatable Date should be in there. Yeah, maybe in the middle. It definitely should have closed on hardwood floors, it's the best gag. Inflatable, yeah, I think maybe in the middle or even not at all because it kind of it really muddies the waters because now this the author is recommending something the the person the audience does go on a date but with an inanimate object i guess it's sort of in the same family as um have sex with the remote, I guess. Yeah, or my sexual preference is no. Yeah, you're right. It should follow directly on from that, maybe, as a sort of topper.

Yes, that sort of thing. I wonder, shall we, let's close by trying to come up with our own ones. Okay, okay. And from whose perspective? From a male perspective? Or from the same perspective? No, for this sort of mad, hypersexual, asexual,

alleged... Unpleasant goddess. Alleged woman. Yeah, the goddess bitch woman that we're talking about here. Who lives in the bar. Okay, okay, okay. Yes, okay, okay. Okay, okay. Oh, this is hard, okay. Okay, okay.

Oh, this is hard, actually. Yeah, see, we judge, Philip. We judge, but... Okay. If you're inviting me back to... If I invite you back to my place it better be because you just bought it

ooh that's interesting yeah a kind of enormous demand immediately on resources there yeah what do you think I like that yeah my advert adult brain immediately went to a brand which was um if you want to ride, download Uber.

Well, that's all right. That's all right. If you want a cheap ride, get Uber. I was trying to think of one of like, if you like buying people drinks, why don't you run a pub or something like that? Right. But then you're selling. You are buying them you are selling them um right right right uh what about an aggressive one what about an aggressive

one an aggressive one okay um listen here you fucking worm pig yeah um these my lips are for my lips are for smiling and yours are for apologizing

right yeah I mean it doesn't have your usual finesse Pierre I'll be honest but I really went on the fly with that one I got in the car and I just started driving I was something the only part of me you can kiss is my ass

something like that the only part of me you can kiss is my ass which you'll never meet that's right that's right yeah that encapsulates Everything yeah there we go Every instinct Eat my ass which you'll never be near Something like that

Yeah something like go down on me Where you belong It's kind of like Yeah Right Something like that yeah yeah yeah on me where you belong it's kind of like yeah right something like that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah anyway um this is that was really great

um i i love i love tat pierre i love it so much and i'm so grateful that people send us tat thank you so much um because there's just endless it just keeps going on and on and on and on and on and i love it, I love it so much it tells you a lot about your society

it really does it really does sorry, a bit of a long one this week folks, sorry and you're welcome depending on just how much you enjoy this podcast yes but I hope you all have a great week and a good time have a great week and a good time

have a good week hope people don't whisper disgusting through a door while you do a shit and if you have the temperament for it I do recommend Once Upon a Time in Iraq it is exceptional on iPlayer

but be warned it's heavy stuff but really good good, really illuminating stuff. Otherwise, keep jacking it. Lovely. Code you guys. Bye. Bye.