BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 83 - Covid Correspondence Special Part 1!

Episode Date: October 7, 2020

Part one of the Covid Correspondence Special! Featuring tat attacks, as well as Lame for Life, poo stories, NPC side quest where the guy was the NPC and an astonishing thing called "SUPER POISON". Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

83, 83. To you and me. 83 to you and me. I'm eating a banana. Phil is eating a banana, which long-time listeners will know that I find unacceptable and repellent. Why?

Just audibly. Oh, yeah, yeah, it doesn't sound great. But, you know, this is from the aforementioned Pret a Manger. It is not on their subscription service. There's no banana Netflix. You don't have a banana Netflix yet. No subscription service. There's no Banana Netflix yet. You don't have a Banana Netflix yet.

No, I don't have Banana Netflix just yet. Bananas are prime. I don't have that yet. But what I will give to Pret is their bananas are always perfectly ripe. They've got just a few of the brown dots on the side. They're just on the turn. They're just on the turn.

There's nothing to me got just a few of the brown dots on the side. That's what you want. They're just on the turn. They're just on the turn. You don't want that. There's nothing to me more horrible to see than a perfectly yellow banana, because I know that shit's going to be gross and hard and tasteless. That knowledge changed my life. The two pieces of banana knowledge that changed my life. And first of all, before you say Pretz bananas are always perfectly ripe, there's a certain James Acaster who might have a little bone to pick with you about this. That bit of material from a few years ago, and I'm guessing the CEO of Pret saw it.

I think Mr. Amanger saw that bit of material. Mr. Amanger saw it. And they've made all the right changes. Mr. Amanger saw it, and he rang up his board. And he said, is this true the bananas are black or hard yellow and green and then they always so i'm so sorry sir we didn't tell you because we thought we thought we would be able to fix it before you found out about the he was one of those uh things where the ceo does a big apology about how they didn't know what was happening if only they'd known you know coming up as the banana delivery guy, he would always

make sure. The two pieces of banana-based knowledge that changed my life were that monkeys peel it from the bottom and that the little brown speckles are when it's ripe. I spent my life

wondering why bananas were hard unripe things when they were yellow just like in the goddamn cartoons yeah yeah yeah i might i might i might have to if if if if listeners hear anything gross it's because i was too lazy to edit out any noises. Well, I'm done now. I'm done. I'm done. Although I am now facing the degloved banana. Well, I mean, the glove of the banana, I suppose. I'm going to go throw it in the bin just because I don't want to be looking at it for the rest of this. Would it be reminded of your sin?

No. Meanwhile, Pierre can explain this next brace of podcasts. All human culture has burial traditions, Phil, and you're no different with your nanas. Phil's going to bury his banana in a ditch facing east-west in the best northern European pre-Christian tradition. God, that's a completely unnecessary thing for me to know Anyway The explanation I was alluding to earlier is that we're doing A two-parter A two-farter

Of correspondence ketchup Correspondence ketchup, everyone That's right Correspondence ketchup is also the sauce That we pour on all the letters we get It's true It helps us open them. Lube up that letter with a bit of correspondence ketchup.

And I'm trying to think of other sauces to make amusing puns on. Oh, mayonnaise. Very nice. Thank you. Ketchup with the correspondence and read some of that sweet mayonnaise. Dip it in mayonnaise. Dip it in mayonnaise. Dip it in mayonnaise. Yeah.

Mustard only works if you use tard in the sense of late. Mustardy post. Mustardy readings. Mustardy readings. Mustardy. I think that might be the end of it. Yeah, I think we'll all have to kill ourselves if we keep going with this. But let Mr. D. readings. Mr. D. I think that might be the end of it. Yeah, I think we'll all have to kill ourselves if we keep going with this. But let's do it.

Courier sauce. Courier sauce. Courier. Courier sauce. Courier sauce. Courier sauce. Yeah. And Katsu courier sauce.

What does Katsu mean? Katsu is to do with the breaded. do with the breaded bit, I think. Yeah, katsu pork. Katsu chicken. Chicken katsu, yeah. Does katsu just mean breadcrumbs? Do you think breadcrumbs are futuristic over there? Because they don't tend to have as much bread.

Well, breadcrumbs, I think they must have come with the Portuguese. I know tempura batter came from the Portuguese. Yes. Yes. Or the Dutch. I think, no. I think Portuguese. Maybe the Dutch or the Portuguese.

Yeah. Adventurous little buggers. So tempura is from Western batter. And I'm guessing panko breadcrumbs are probably from similar. From some old Dutch loaf? yeah yeah some some dutch guy had a big big bowl of breadcrumbs he was about to make some sort of cake with and a japanese guy tripped up and no my pork and it fell in the bowl i remember um at school do you remember assemblies at school where you were just told sort of rambling stories by a guest or by like the one teacher

that a thing has happened to yeah exactly yeah and I just remember this long story about how they discovered tea in china because the emperor stopped to on on a journey and a bunch of leaves blew in the boiling water oh okay and

then they tried it and they were like these leaves are great it was this whole like stupid right yeah definitely folk myth about how they discovered definitely not true yeah and then this was like the emperor who These kinds of stories Always presume such laziness On the part of these ancient civilizations That they have all this stuff They've been starving Since the second they existed

And they haven't bothered To try putting these Fragrant leaves Into water They've never gone Well I keep eating bark But these delicious smelling leaves I'm just going to have to wait leaves yeah into water they've never they've never gone well i keep eating bark but these delicious smelling leaves doesn't seem like i'm just gonna have to wait till someone someone royal

and therefore smart enough to notice things walks past and i don't know some ingredients happen by chance to be blown into this vat of boiling water that we just keep around funny it was windy and also the leaves were loose somehow. Yeah, exactly. If you read accounts of medieval famines, people are boiling nettles and eating them and things. They've tried it. Human beings have tried it.

I was taking a pizza out of the oven yesterday, and the process just reminded me of how pathetic and useless the human body is because it was like because i had to put on oven gloves yeah to take this hot tray out of the oven yeah which only had to be this hot in order to cook the food so that my the same body doesn't get sick and it's like my and my body's like you gotta make it a heart but then when i use that body to try and get the hot thing it's like oh it's too hot it's pathetic pathetic useless human

body i think it's unbelievable that we've lasted this long and we don't deserve it biologically speaking we don't deserve it what would it be what would it be on your hands to help like even a callus would get burnt wouldn't it So it would have to be like bone or something. I think you could get calluses hard enough. You need like foot-level calluses to be able to shield you from a hot oven tray. Like a tortoise shell type texture. Or like a fingernail, basically, but over your whole hand. Yeah.

Some keratin, some sort of dense keratin. Yeah, but then it would have to be dense enough that he doesn't travel through quickly somehow. What survives fire? I don't think it really wanders through fire. Then it wouldn't be dense, I suppose. Yeah, because it would still hurt your fingernail to stub a cigarette out on your fingernail. In a show of dominance.

Yeah, but it just needs to be a bit thicker. Yeah. Yeah, it is dumb. Yeah, it has to be hot because we've got juicy brains that need all the energy. It has to be hot because we've got juicy brains that need all the energy it has to be hot because to kill all the itty bitty bugs they can kill us

except for the bugs that we're full of constantly apparently crawling with so so we have an interesting email here from Alistair Alistair okay Alistair here from Alistair.

Alistair, okay. Alistair, our pal Alistair. I'm sure I've done that before. Yeah. So he has a side quest. Oh, I remember the side quest. Yeah, he has a side quest, but he was the NPC. Fascinating.

Yeah, he was the non-player character. I've always wanted to hear a side quest story from this perspective. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was stood sleeplessly and infinitely selling apples from a cart various heroes came and bothered me over the million years i stood there just going on a sort of loop yeah so alistair says hi uncle cheese fists and sergeant muffin liquor wow where's that come from i I think it's just his heart. Okay. We accept it. Do you want to be Uncle Cheesefists or Sergeant Muffin Licker?

I want to be Muffin Licker. Yeah. You seem like more of a Cheesefists. I prefer... I think I like... Do I like cheese more than you? You like cheese. I like cheese.

I'm not evangelical about it. I'll have it if it's about it and if it's nice enough okay but i'm not like cheese you know like some people are yeah i should i'm more like that than you i think yeah i think so i'll be on co-cheese fists um apology apologies he says for subjecting you to reading another email i think i think it's a former email like this alice well probably yeah and i probably called him Pallister then too. Yeah, but he said, I remembered I was part of a side quest, but I was the NPC.

The heroes arrived in a white Corsa at my university halls in Liverpool to deal some drugs. Also, it's a GTA side mission, isn't it? He literally said, not sure what the game was, possibly GTA or Mafia. Mafia is a very underrated game, the original Mafia. I think there's a new remastered version. Yeah, it's kind of, yeah.

It looks beautiful. It looks beautiful. It's an excellent game. My then girlfriend, R.I.P. She's not dead. It just means relationship in pieces. That's good. Drunkenly clambered into the backseat And demanded to be driven to town

Oh okay That's so much like a GTA side You have to like follow Follow the unreliable NPC But how's he the NPC? Let's find out I followed scared as I didn't want to leave her alone With what were very clearly drug dealers They were both so surprised by this

They just agreed and started driving to town Halfway around we picked up a drag queen who was buying drugs, but didn't have any money and needed to nip to the cash point. Did the drag queen have a glowing blue cylinder emanating next to them? They had a big orange exclamation mark hovering above their head. Oh, yeah. Like Crazy Taxi. orange exclamation mark hovering above their head. Oh, yeah. Like Crazy Taxi.

We picked up a drag queen who was buying drugs, but didn't have any money, so needed to nip to the cash point. It was a very odd side quest, but they completed it expertly, and they were rewarded with five pounds. Although in a sneaky twist, my girlfriend accidentally I know it was an accident, as she was too drunk to stand at this point, so definitely not on purpose took a gram of cocaine.

Which, even to my innocent eyes i could tell was worth more than a fiver i do wonder if they look back on this bizarre incident and wonder why a woman just jumped in their car keep plugging the strings of your dicks um p.s just remembered it was on halloween my gf was dressed as slutty red riding hood and i believe i was a zombie we both had copious amounts of fake blood which actually explains the drag queen part which I'd always assumed. Slutty red riding hood. It also explains the drag queen part which I

assumed I'd always made up. Right. He assumed he'd made that up. That's a fun story. Yeah, that's such a GTA 3 side gta3 side mission yeah yeah yeah yeah oh i want to go to town hey get out of my car oh god now i'm gonna have to drive through these checkpoints in order i think i think there literally are like missions where you have to yeah it's like you've got um the don's wife and she's got that sort of screechy...

Why won't you drive me to town? They always give her this gangster's mall accent. Yeah, and he's like, Hey, kid, do me a solid, would you? And he's really fat and he's on a lilo. That's why he can't do it. I do it, but I'm on my lilo. And he's like, oh.

And then in the in the in the cut scene it's all sort of blocky because it's up close and they haven't rendered new graphics for the cut scene they've just zoomed in on the existing 3d figures yeah yeah it could like you go oh zoomed in it looks terrible his face is a smudge um mark quickly gets in touch His name is Mark Quickly No I wish it was though The name's Quickly Mark Quickly That's such a great name

Mark Quickly is a good name Mark Quickly Is not a jazz name But it's like a producer name Mark Quickly We got the deal through with the help of Mark Quickly. It's also like a Dickens character. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A really fast scribe. Yeah. So he just says, Pierre Wang and Phil Novielle. Sorry, I'm drunk. But Wang is getting exploited for his content on TikTok. Revolt!

In capitals. And it's just like a blurry screenshot of someone's using a live at the apollo clip of you on tiktok oh i'm just glad to be on tiktok without having to be on tiktok i think that's the real prize isn't it yeah people out there are learning new um life-ruining apps so that we don't have to. I'm glad to be able to enjoy some exposure on the app without literally handing a periscope into my life to the China's Communist Party.

I think that's very much a best-of-both-world situation. We live in such a hellscape where it's like if you want to sell tickets to your improv show to people who are 18 to 20 well, you better let the Chinese Communist Party know what kind of dildos you buy on Amazon. Okay. Dude, TikTok is fucked up.

Have you been on there? No, I've seen it on someone else's phone. I don't want it on my phone. Same. But it will go from the most inconsequential life-wasting trivia to just like plain old trauma. Just like raw, unfiltered trauma. So you'll be going from like a kid doing a dance. Yeah, just...

And then it'll go to a woman like literally having a miscarriage then oh no like like she'll there's sad music playing and she's pointing a text that she's put above saying i'm having miscarriage right now no and then i'll go next to some christian couple who've got a coffee that's nice it can't be it really is like that in the same feed. It's messed up. And then like, again, yeah, it'll go from like a funny dance on a boat to someone recounting a terrible assault that happened to her three years ago to a soundtrack. It's insane.

But some of it is like a friend sent me these saying like, this is the hellscape we live in now. And it was like teenage girls on TikTok filming themselves in black and white pretending to be in the Holocaust. What? To soundtracks, yeah. Pretending in what, to what capacity? Like one was a girl pretending that she'd died in the Holocaust and you were meeting her in heaven. Wow. girl pretending that she died on the holocaust and you were meeting her in heaven wow and one was like weirdly sort of arrogant and it was about like a like she was being like killed in the

holocaust but then the nazi officers thought she was too hot so they were like keeping her aside yeah no yeah i mean that is that's like pornography that's like weird fantasy pornography yeah but it's being done by like normally you'd hear about something like that in a chuck paulinic novel like like the character from fight club would have a vhs with something like that on and it would be like the forbidden tape yeah and it'd be like um the infamous scene from that book. Yeah, everyone would be like, well, of course we all remember that. And instead now it's like... Our children can watch this happily.

Younger than 17-year-old girls doing it about themselves with no outside information. It's completely baffling. It's horrifying. It's the Wild West. It's the Wild West. TikTok is the fucking Wild West. It's creepy.

It's really creepy. It's not good for you. All the stuff leading up to this was bad for you. We don't need, like, Dragon Ball Z villains getting progressively stronger and destroying your fucking mind. Give me some good old-fashioned tat, Phil. Okay.

Tat talk. Some tat talk. Tat talk. Joe sends us some good tat, good tat actually no don't be slow what's quite funny though i'll just it's just quickly i'll describe it because i don't think it's got that raw tweenness okay that we like so much it's a drink coffee uh do stupid things faster with more energy yeah i've seen this one before yeah this one is like um uh yeah this is like the nestle of tat you know it's like it's all of it's it's just your foundation tat it does the job it's not particularly irritating it's not particularly inspirational

yeah it's not it's fine there was a time when that was quite that was that was quite funny it it's it's it's like um a funny joke that's decayed like uranium yeah it's depleted it's a depleted uranium joke you know what i what i like to think about is how the lamest jokes when they were first conceived were pieces of utter genius you know like like the the quintessential uh hack misogynistic joke um for a stand-up to say is take my wife please yeah yeah yeah now that is a fantastic joke yeah if the first people who heard that joke must have gone ah and after like a full second as well like like that that second of i can't even comprehend what's just happened to me like a lottery win it's an excellent joke but there's nothing that time won't erode

that's why that's why thinking about these jokes you know that's that's what i meditate on and think about these jokes is that there is nothing there is no quality that time won't erode. Yeah. Anyway, see you all next week. Anyway, we got a good response from the artist Louis Darley about me asking if

Facebook is a grave. Oh yeah. He was like, fucking hell. He found that really horrifying, I think. Yeah, yeah yeah facebook is a graveyard um i mean now facebook now is literally it's a retirement home facebook now yeah i mean the people who populate in majority are you know are very old people in the west and burmese people do you know in myan, because they've only had mobile phones for a few years, every mobile phone

comes preloaded with Facebook and the guy at the shop makes your Facebook profile before he gives you the phone. Wow. It's them, it's,

like, Facebook and mobile phones in Myanmar are basically inseparable. They're the same. They're the same. And I can play the, well,

this is according to that um social dilemma podcast uh documentary on netflix which is quite good and basically facebook paid a very large part in the uh irahingia massacres basically imagine that from like an app some dork came up with in Harvard to rate the hotness of girls. The hotness of girls who only attend Harvard as well. To the genocide of Muslims in Myanmar. Same guy, same life story of a technology. The same guy still around.

And the only thing that's changed is that it looks like that has had an abstract effect on his health energy. He looks so ill all the time. And little soul. Yeah, his soul has been chopped up like a character in a spooky tale. And every time someone new makes a Facebook account, they get a little bit of him. It really takes a lot for me

to not be jealous of a billionaire. Do you ever think about that? Especially in order to properly be a billionaire, it's like leaving the mafia. He can't sell all of his stock without people shitting themselves and destroying the value of the stock so he just sat there going just terrified of people go okay so uh sir uh in in uh myanmar the uh the facebook and you just go i don't want to man yeah jesus christ want to leave me to be creepy and wet looking even like Jeff Bezos

there's no amount of money you can pay me to have that head you know what I mean it's like all of these guys the head of every heckler at a gig in Kent big old bald noggin that's so true that's exactly what it looks like yeah he looks like he's he's trying to be funny at a stand-up game he looks like he's come as a regional english heckler for halloween

oh man but yeah these billionaires are like they're it's like they they're all in some greek tragedy what made a deal with the devil? Yeah. I think that, yeah, I mean, even Elon Musk, gradually going just from being like a kind of generic nerd, who's like, science is awesome. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Whereas now he's like having arguments with Johnny Depp about whether or not he fucked his wife. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucked whose wife? Johnny Depp's wife. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucked whose wife? Johnny Depp's wife. Amber Heard. Right, okay.

Elon Musk and Amber Heard had an affair. Oh, okay. And he's going out with Grimes and they have a robot kid and stuff. And you just go, you live in a cartoon. You live in a cartoon. You live in a subreddit. You live in a fan fiction that you've written about your own life. Yeah, man.

It can't be good for you. None of this is good. Burn it all down. It's a real comfort to me to know that no amount of money can buy your way out of being a loser. Yeah. And Elon Musk and Lin-Manuel Miranda are proof you cannot buy yourself out of being a fucking loser. If you're lame, you're lame. If you're lame, you're lame for life. You can't get rid of it that's like a that's like a good like it's worse than covid

you will never get rid of it long lame long lame they're suffering from long lame it's uh very rarely disappear you cannot buy yourself out of long name i love you can't do it like lame for life is such a funny like back tattoo or do you get it like rhinestone onto a leather jacket. Lame for life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you lean into it. Or like something like a prison tattoo that makes you go,

what does lame mean in prison? It must be something like really. Or like his legs. One of his legs is a bit lame because of the guards kicked him in a riot. But it's become a point of pride. It's become an initiation and now people actively pretend to. Yeah, exactly.

Name for life. A lovely praise-redacted email from Calvin who points out amusingly, watching the exponential rise in arse-related content, he says, has been incredible. From the infamous and divisive Bud Poo episode and Phil's reluctance to accept Koji as a catchphrase.

Yeah, those are those are going all the way to naming an episode crappy poo smear without it being mentioned being a big deal that's very funny yeah thank you calvin um sarah gets in touch with some tart sometimes Some tart. Sarah, declarer your tart at the tart customs office. Very nice. Anything to declare? I have nothing to declare but my tat. Dear P-Squared. Which would actually make a good piece of tat.

I have nothing to declare but my tat. Burned into a piece of driftwood hanging above your decorative fireplace. Dear P-Squared, I realised listening to the last episode of bud pod that to my eternal shame i own some tat i only just realized because the tat in question has come back rotation now that it's warm dormant dormant tat yeah yeah summer tat it's like chicken pox you can lie just dormant for years you don't realize it and then you're an adult and of course

tat in adulthood is a lot more serious yes yes yes yes as it's like getting chicken pox yeah if you get tat as an adult it can be very that's right um it's so that it is a pajama tat oh okay wearable tat this is the cutting edge in tat wearable wearable tat foldable portable tat. Foldable, portable tat. When life gives you two pictures of lemons, it's just pictures, it doesn't say. Okay. Then what?

Make, and then a picture of lemonade. No, think tat. What does tat love? Above all else, Phil. Okay, when life gives you pictures of lemons, oh no, can I whisper my way into this tat when life gives you a picture of two lemons make um uh oh make prosecco make lemon prosecco make lemon wine oh you're so close to make limoncello but it doesn't it doesn't say make okay oh okay when life gives you lemons drink prosecco

no you're so close booze is the right track when life gives you lemons put them in a gin a gin and tonic do you want to know what it is yeah add tequila and then uh the next one is a slice of watermelon and it says one in a melon. Okay. One in a melon. Doesn't really make sense. One in a melon. One in a melon does not make sense.

That'd be a funny way to try and avoid lying to someone that you don't like. You're one in a melon. Did you say million? Yeah. I said what I said. You're one in a melon. There's a 30 Rock joke that's like that It's really funny, I can never remember I remember one of the funniest jokes

That was ever on Family Guy And there's some bad jokes on Family Guy But one of the ones that I've always remembered From when I was a teenager and I watched it And it just melted my head When Brian takes Meg to the prom She comes downstairs and says how do i look and brian goes you sure do meg and then immediately moves on such a funny rude thing to say

you sure do like a really nice intonation it's really funny that meg just looks quite normal yeah there's absolutely nothing they always imply that that she's like this absolute bog goblin of like a demon. It reminds me so much of that thing from school where like sometimes your year just decides to hate someone. Yeah, that's right. For a bit. Often not for very long. Sometimes like a term. Someone is the goblin of that term.

I'm currently reading Stephen King's On Writing. Oh, yeah. It's part autobiography, part instruction manual on how he writes. And he's talking about Carrie and the two girls at school that he sat down and recalled to inspire the girl in Carrie. Yes. And it's fucking brutal. called to inspire the girl in carry yes and just fucking brutal the way he describes he's so he's so clearly and expertly describes this girl at school who's just like the class reject and always wears the same outfit every day and it just gets yellowed and tattered and then one year after

um after winter break or something she comes back and comes back and she's resplendent. She's got a new set of clothes and she's got this bright smile and she's got a perm. But people then make fun of her for that, for getting new clothes and trying to escape. And he talks about how over the day

he just watched her smile fade and she slowly hunches back to her previous form. And he says, someone ran for the fences and they had to be beaten down and it's just such a great depiction of someone who tried to break out of their place

in pecking order feudal society you cannot wear slippers the king chops your head off it's brutal it's so well told I hate even hearing about it it gets way more tragic than that

but I'll spare you it's like the panopticon high school where everyone observes each other there are no guards to that prison Phil everyone's just in this big circle going, you better not get in your shoes or I'll fucking ruin your life.

Kids are psychopaths. They really are. That's why every kid should have an equal amount of time being the goblin. Right, yeah. To be taught empathy. That's true, that's true. You're the goblin today.

Everyone throw things at Peter. Yeah. And tomorrow,. Tomorrow, by the end of term, it's fine to be the goblin. But the goblins do all end up communists in their 20s though, so be careful. In my experience. They end up communists in their 20s or alt-right

people with their own YouTube channel. Yeah, either way, they're not politically healthy by the time they hit adulthood. It's a real coin flip. The goblins. If you're the goblin for too long, you just go, well, I'll represent my irritation at the system through an extremist political standpoint. Yeah, every kid you bully, you're creating another supporter of mass murder at some point. You're essentially just proving again and again through an unfair system you've devised

that unfair systems need to be destroyed with violence yeah that's where it's from oh this needs root and branch reform we have to wipe out everyone involved in this so Hattie has been sent some some some tatties haddie haddie haddie

haddie haddie cool nice thank you i like that um some mugs for a limited time only okay um so here are the mugs You should see my active bitch face I don't mind that Because I've not heard that joke before It hasn't depleted yet No, no, no, no That uranium hasn't been in nature long enough to But this is part of

Of a Of a A baffling Stream, vein of tat, which is supposedly for people who can't be bothered with anything in life, but can be bothered getting a sake mug. They're so just fucking living it

that they carefully selected and waited patiently three days for a mug to be posted to them and thought in their head multiple times waited patiently three days for a mug to be posted to them. And thought in their head multiple times over those three days, that mug's coming soon. Soon I won't even have to tell people about my active bitch face. I'll be able to stop sending out those emails about my active bitch face. People can just read my mug.

It'll save some time. The most attitude-y sort of thing you could ever drink out of is a plain white mug that looks like you stole it from a canteen. Or one of those mugs that looks like it came off an Arctic exploring boat. You know, the sort of tin, ding, ding, like enamel blue. Yeah, blue enamel tin camping mug. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah and people just go oh why is

why that mug yeah I don't know yeah I don't know I don't know I haven't thought about it I like the feel of those mugs I feel like I'm on an adventure but I'm at home

yeah you feel like someone should be using those little pointy calipers on a map near you yeah and saying a full a full 20 moons

before we arrive at the, yeah. Yeah, I thought she was good. You're looking at the horizon, yeah. Like, yeah, you've got to be on the lookout for polar bears. That's what I feel like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looking at ice flows. Yum, yum, yum.

Another mug. Pretty good chance there's whiskey in here, but the words have been arranged to look a bit like Jack Daniels, I think. Oh, yeah. Oh, and then in tiny curly letters, just saying. The just saying really ruins that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were onto something that was fine.

I was pretty ambivalent to the just saying. Pretty good chances whisking here. That's kind of funny. I quite like that. That's okay. Just saying. Oh, congratulations, you've ruined it. Congratulations.

You're the goblin. You're a goblin. You're a goblin. You're the goblin now. Well done, Lin. Oh, Lin's in town, is he? Well done, Lin Manual Goblin. Someday, society will get so advanced we'll have a Lin Automatic Miranda. People won't have to... People won't have to do their Lin-Mirandas by hand.

That's funny. Lin-Manuel Miranda. So, we get a bit of upper class gossip here Actually Wow this is a first Upper class This is Tatler This is little Tatler

This is Shatler Or just Tatler If it's still Tat No it's gossip Oh well then it's Shatler Welcome to Shatler magazine I debuted in Shatler Hottest new poos

The London social scene Matt gets in touch Dear Pierre and Phil Traditionalist Traditional resetting Very important My friend Lorna introduced me to your podcast As a cure for lockdown boredom

And I have been loving listening while exploring the rolling Hertfordshire Hills. Oh, that's nice. So thank you for your entertainment. It's a pleasure, Matthew. Knowing I'm on to a good thing, I've started from episode one, and I'm now up to 12. Therefore, you may have well moved past this subject, but all the poo chat made me think...

I don't think we've moved past it, Matthew. I think you'll find crappy poo smear. I wonder if you'll last beyond another dozen episodes. If he thinks that's just a blip in the map. Oh, well, they can't be like this forever and ever now. Au contraire, mon frere. We went to the purse school for boys, as it was then, in Cambridge. Yeah, with an E.

Who's we here? As in him and his chums. His friend, his chums. Yeah, his schoolyard chums Okay We went to the past school for boys As it was then in Cambridge A school that excels in producing eccentric

And maladjusted British public school boys That very, very slowly become men That's good On a school trip to Dieppe Oh, I love that Wow A school trip to That's when you know you're at a public school

We're going on a school trip to Dieppe Why? Well, so you can practice your french it was the site of a famous royal marines raid in world war ii yes yeah that's the sort of thing um i only i on a side note not to not to overshadow matt's story but chicken fists still pops into my head from time to time chicken gloves chicken boxing gloves yeah it's it's yeah they're all all the stories we've seen have been great but there are a few that just stand out there are a few like like we're we're very experienced policemen there are a few cases that you never forget yeah you never forget you can retire and you're still like have illegal photocopies of the case file.

And Chicken Fist was something out of Porterhouse Blue. Yes. Or something like a modern version, like one of those American ones. It's like something from Animal House. Right, but there's more sophistication to it. It had panache. There's a David Foster Wallace about it. There was like, it was kind of like... You know, it was like a short story

That wins awards and gets published in a magazine Yeah it was actually a lot like One of Roald Dahl's adult Short stories I don't know if you've read those They were creepy and weird They were really creepy and weird People having sex with postmen and stuff So they're on a school trip to Dieppe

Matt and his chums A friend known for poor timekeeping Was holding up the bus back to England Okay, so they finished the trip And they're on the way back, okay The teachers had discovered that he was in the bathroom on his own And despite lots of splashing and crashing around Was not responding

The bathroom on the bus? No, presumably not on the bus Not much opportunity for splashing on the bus toilet He must be in the accommodation I don't know, actually Or like a lobby toilet Presumably not on the bus. Not much opportunity for splashing on the bus toilet. He must be in the accommodation. I don't know, actually. Or like a lobby toilet. Yeah, let's hope so.

So he's not responding. Okay. Sebastian? Sebastian! Nothing, it's just splash, crash. Fearing the worst, they force their way in. Cool teachers. Cool teachers?

Cool teachers.ced their way in To be confronted With a scene of Poo covered mayhem Wow Our friend was in the process Of moving watery feces From the bath

To the sink Okay so this must have been In the room From the bath To the sink From the From the toilet To the sink

Surely And had liberally Well let's find out Had liberally covered the floor in it, it transpired that having done a particularly large shit, the toilet would not flush. Inexplicably, our friend decided not to just leave it like anyone else would have done,

but thought the best thing to do, no, was to transfer it to the bath, where he intended to wash it down the plug hole. Naturally, the bath's plug hole became clogged with shit, and he was left in a shallow bath of shitty water. Realizing he was about to be discovered by teachers, his last desperate act was to scoop the shitty water into the sink,

intending to wash it down that plug hole. So smaller and smaller plug holes, basically, this guy's going for. Thinking that's going to solve it. Well, it didn't fit down this one. Maybe the smaller one worked. Oh, if only there was another plug hole. Wait! Eventually he'd just be poking it through the keyhole with his finger or something.

Shoving it up into the tap. It's got to go the other way. It's got to go the other way. Where's the reverse on this thing? Like when a little kid gets in an alien spacecraft in a film. How do you fly this thing? No wonder when the teachers beheld this scene, no one spoke for quite some time. The story has passed into legend at the school, and I feel somewhat summarizes my friend's unique logic.

He will remain nameless as he is now a successful marketing executive in Dubai. Oh, wow. Poo-bye. Yeah, in Poo-bye. In Poo-bye. Which was actually the original name of the toilet. Visit Poo-bye. Yeah, Poo-bye. Poo-bye. Yeah, in Poo-bye. In Poo-bye. Which was actually the original name of the toilet. Visit Poo-bye. Yeah, Poo-bye. Poo-bye. I'm going to go use the Poo-bye.

You say bye to your poo. It is, yeah. And he continues to surprise and delight his friends and colleagues with his bizarre capers. So his brain's still broken. Right, okay. Whoever this man is. Ooh. Ooh. A bit of tat from

George. George, give us a scourge. Dear the P-sharps. Oh, like the B-sharps. The B-flats. He says, reference to Homer's Barbershop. Very good. Great episode. He says, I very quickly unfollowed this wench after seeing this.

Someone on Instagram, I think. I'm not sure. Love the pod. I've binged it while doing daily rides in Darwin, Australia. Oh, that's nice. Keep vigorously jacking it forever and always, George. What romantic locales we've accompanied people in, on, at, through. Something about adventurous people means poo stories we have

been on the um the dales of where was it in england earlier hartfordshire the rolling green hartfordshire we've been through the outbank yeah pooping in a bucket um we've been all sorts hong kong mexico city hong kong mexico of Seoul. Seoul and Korea. This podcast's better travel than I am. So the mug that led to George unfollowing this wench, as he says, is, My best friend may not be my sister by blood. There's a lot of fonts here. Wow, already a lot of words. My best friend may not be my sister by blood, but she's my sister.

By choice. Ooh, close. Think more fluffy. My sister by fate. By life. More, more... Love. Ooh, close.

By heart. Yes! Yes, okay. Okay, blood heart. Okay, okay, okay. By blood, but she's my sister by heart. Okay. A little fart noise there. Really okay. Blood heart. Okay, okay, okay. By blood, but she's my sister by heart. Okay. A little fart noise there.

Really disgusting. Awful. And just like nine fonts, a block of text on an otherwise white mug. Baffling. Yeah, gross. Baffling choices. Makes your eyeballs ache to read, that kind of thing. Yeah, because your head is saying them in different ways, I find.

Oh, I find. Oh my god. Okay, we'll end. Guys, this is a two-farter. So stay tuned for the next one, which will be a continuation of this. It'll be the second fart. The correspondence. It'll be the follow-through.

It'll be the follow-through of the second fart. We have degrees. Good ones. Pretty good ones. I'll end on this from Sam. Sam the man. It's Sam the man. Sent from my slop dispenser.

Wow. Pretty grim stuff already. It escalates. Dear the dynamic poo-o. Yeah, pretty grim stuff already. It escalates. Dear the dynamic Poo-O. Oh, very good! I like that a lot, because it's Batman-y. This is the story of my first experience of shame. Wow, okay.

First shame. We all remember our first shame, probably. I'll have to sit and have a think about that. Me too. When I was eight, me and my mate Callum shat in my mum's bucket. Okay. It's like the start of one of those classic novels where you go, God, in the first sentence, you know all you need to know about.

Yeah. I didn't think I'd be relieved to hear the word bucket, but I am. Supposed to face. When I was eight, me and my mate Callum shat in my mom's bucket yeah it's got a nice pace to it he's got a nice uh rhythm yeah we then added... No! Eggs. Flour. Milk. No! Spit.

Spiff? Spit. Spit? Spit. Gravel. Lego. Piss. Eight is too old for this.

Eight is too old. Clippings of ladies' hair. Old socks. Soap. Hair conditioner. Oh, that should clean it up. Lucas aid. of ladies hair old socks soap hair conditioner oh that should clean it up lucas aid and after we took a sniff vomit

I mean we've spoken before about our our potion days as kids this is we had no idea this is next level that is revolting

it's like the eggs is the worst i think i have more questions about clippings of ladies hair that makes more sense to me than eggs i mean are they preparing for some sort of voodoo ceremony like that that this is the equivalent of the potions thing where we talk about our potions days but it's like saying um yeah i used to tease my dog and someone saying um yeah i used to tease my dog and someone's like yeah i used to take my dog's eye and put a big stein knife in it and you're like yeah we all used to be cruel animals and you go no no no no no i'm sort of whimsical with a stick whatever you're you're mad so let's go through that list again when i was eight me and

my mate callum shattered my mom's bucket this is like parlour game. What did we put in the bucket after the poo? Can you remember? We then added eggs, flour, milk, water, spit, gravel, grass, Lego, piss, clippings of ladies' hair, old socks, soap, hair conditioner, LucasAid, and after we took a sniff, vomit. We then mushed it all up with a big stick.

Using a funnel, using a funnel, we emptied it out into eight water bottles. Like, how would he use? Yeah. We removed the label of the bottle and drew on our own. It read, super poison!

Ah! Can kill most mammals and some robots. I don't know which robots are immune. A robot whose job is to analyze if food is edible. It just breaks its mind. Sparks flying out like a Star Trek attack scene. Super poison. Can kill most mammals and some robots We then took them into school and sold them for a quid each

No please I used the money to buy a pack of go-go's But they're all ones I already had Which made me feel sad and empty Like I spent all my kids premium bonds on hookers and scratch cards What did kids want it for? Super poison I feel sick hookers and scratch cards. What did the kids want it for? Super poison!

I feel sick. A week later, Callum's neighbour's cat died under mysterious circumstances. I don't know whether our concoction was the reason, but he's always been a dog person. Anyway, the guilt of possibly killing Mr. Johnson's cat with my super shit got to me. Got too much for me, so I emptied my bottle into my dad's lawnmower anyway the guilt of possibly killing Mr. Johnson's cat with my super shit got too much for me, so I emptied my bottle into Dad's lawnmower.

It turns out the poison could actually kill some robots if you're counting lawnmowers. When Dad took the lid off the dead machine for inspection, he wheezed like a dying man. It had been sitting in our garage for a month before we decided the lawn needed a little trim and within that time the smell had become incredibly intense but only within a relatively short radius i really can't overstate the sheer unholy stench of the super poison i was going to put a simile here to show how fucking appalling the stench was but i genuinely can't think of one that doesn't understate its potency for something with such a loose molecular structure it hit my dad like a fucking mallet being wheel wielded by a massive arm made out of a much smaller but still relatively large arms of bodybuilders he was rendered unconscious for about four hours before mum

found him surely not the funny thing about poo that isn't talked enough about poo is just how sticky it is. It can be. Our culture associates poo with being sloppy and squishy, but the inside of that lawnmower looked like a snotty hanky. This is true. The lawnmower was disposed of shortly after. I never owned up of disposing my chemical weapon like that,

so it's good to get off my chest. It's funny how some things seem completely sane and responsible in the spring of 2010, but really make you reassess your psyche afterwards so this person's 18 wow yeah wow i feel disgusted and ashamed of my past self i doubt this makes it in but if it does i'd like to apologize for maybe sort of killing that cat it's been preying on my conscience playing on my conscience for 10 years now hope it wasn't sickening to you fellas but it needed to be heard. Nice to shout you to shout you nice. It's a message from a killer. Very funny.

Is that Sam? Sam. Very funny Sam. Really nicely written as well. Really, really funny. And horrible. Yeah. Really good.

The decision to pour into a lawnmower. Well. We've run out of time but that's a good one to end on. It's time for part two everyone next week. Hope you tune back in to hear the rest of uh this big old chunk of uh too far

to correspondence yes yes have a good week love you lots bye