BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 84 - Covid Correspondence Special Part 2!

Episode Date: October 14, 2020

PART TWO of the Covid Correspondence Special! More tat attacks, the Colonel's assault at Pill Nang, poo in a bag, a tat tote bag covered in descriptions of what it means to be an entirely normal person, French pooliceman, beekeeping, Pierre loves Desmond Tutu, the boys are THIS close to merch Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's, uh, let's go for 84. Budpod 84! The Grady... Floor? Floor. The Grady Floor. The Grady Floor. A floor you can grate yourself on, I suppose. It's part, it's fart too.

Okay. The follow-through of our Mega Correspondence Double. Yes, thank you for coming back. Hope you've had a nice week. Hope you've been thinking about super poison, and how it kills all mammals and some robots. And some robots. Truly repellent. As far as we know

from Sam's story, 100% of the robots it's been tried on. To be fair, one out of one robots wouldn't recommend this. No. So I guess we'll go straight into it. Yes! Next one, please. Tatatak and a poo story. Two in one.

Don't I spoil you, says Charlie. Charlie. You spoil us. Dear Pierre Navizel and Phyllis Wangus. Nice. Yeah. My gladiator name. Praise available for redacting, but I think it's worth saying

I hate toilet humour okay I always have wow and I always will this doesn't sound good for us unless apparently you two are talking about it

that's good in which case I walk down the street or used to in the before times stifling laughter this was particularly inconvenient when I lived in Russia where laughing and smiling in public

particularly as a young woman signifies that you're a little bit air-headed friendly and receptive to being approached by men in the street oh great curse you hilarious bastards anyway thank you for the great podcast keep up the good work thank you very much good to know that we gave russian men a reason to harass you through poo humor that's why we started this podcast that's our equivalent to last week talking about mark zuckerberg starting an app for rating people and helping out with the genocide. Ours is we talk about shit in my living room and it's a lady in Moscow gets approached by it.

But at least our original intentions were innocent, which cannot be said of Mark Zuckerberg. It's true. It's true. So number one, she says attached is a picture of a rather awful piece of tat that unbeknownst to me was hiding in my own home. It's in the house! The tat is coming from inside the house. Get out, get out.

This came to light the other day when I asked my mum to hand me a shopping bag, and she presented me with this nightmare. She was slightly confused when, having read the drivel printed on the front, I yelled, tat attack, and promptly left the house. So let's see what this tat is here. Oh, it's a lot. Like a lot of words oh yeah okay and it's a lot of i'll quickly flash it to you okay wow that is a lot yeah so it's a tote bag a white tote bag and lots of words on it in different colors um i don't know if you can guess this it looks like a lot for me to guess yeah well if i just go okay it starts with i do from from there you go at a glance it's too long to have any recognizable structure yeah it's it's it's it's in the kind of rambling killer style of

tat i'd say so zodiac tat yeah it's so don't talk to me till I've written my cryptographic letter So I'm going to read this the way I think it's written I do whatever comes naturally Stressing one minute, chilling the next Are they proud to be stressing? They're proud to be inconsistent.

I do whatever comes naturally. Stressing one minute, chilling the next. I'm a curious know-it-all. All in one. I can stay in or go out. Oh, wow. Sometimes even out-out. Come on.

I know. Come on. I can stay in or go out. Oh! Good for you. Let me just prep my hands for the amount of applause that I'm about to give. You can work a door. Call A&E and tell them I'm coming in with bloody stumps for hands,

because I'll have clapped them off by the time I arrive there. I can stay in or go out, sometimes even out-out. I'm a loner, or a social butterfly, depending on the day. I'm predictably unpredictable. You're schizophrenic's what you are. Playful. Professional. A contradiction.

I mean, this is just any person with a job. Everything. This is just a person with a job and a personal life. Yeah. I exist. That's all this is. Don't I? It screams into the void.

Fun to be around. Or a bit of a nightmare. Right, yeah. I'm a lot of things, sure. I like it when it says sure, like someone's gone, you're a lot of things. Someone's gone, someone's been listening, rapped, really believing it. You're a lot of things. What enigma has presented itself to me today? You're a lot of things. What enigma has presented itself to me today?

You're a lot of things. Wow. I can't believe we've met here on this bus. You're a real life Zooey Deschanel over here. You're a lot of things. With your going outside and occasionally staying in. What? You can't do both. Incredible. How do you find the time?

I'm a lot of things, sure. But that's what makes me... me. And then the bottom says, My nature, my Clarence. Clarence is in the shop. Yeah. So apparently people who shop at Clarence go in and go out.

Isn't that mad? Well, at least they have proved that they can do that because they had to go in and out of the shop to get the bag that says they can go in and out. Yeah, and because they're not in the shop all the time, they must be in at home. Yeah. Or, if they were in the shop all the time,

would that cease to be out and become, in fact, in? That's interesting, yes. We have to define our terms here. Is it a variable or a constant? This is a vein of tant that I think is particularly hateful. It's the kind of packaging of normal

just normal people. Just the most common manifestations of the human condition played out and sold as unique or strange or needing of some

special understanding. I'm mad, me. Yeah, are you mad or do you wear sandals when it's hot and shoes when it isn't? Are you mad, really? Or are you just capable of basic adaptation? Yeah, I'm not one

thing constantly. You go, that would be mad. That would be the mad thing. That would be mad if someone was like, I always wear a duck down coat. Yeah. In 40 degrees I wear it, and I pass out all the time,

and I vomit on the tube from each drug, and I'm always in hospital for it and i won't stop yeah that's mad if you're always in or always out those are two famously bad well you're mad or homeless yeah yeah neither of those is good and having a mixture of them doesn't make you some unique on star they're essentially the set bag is going i'm crazy. Sometimes I'll eat meat. Sometimes vegetables. Sometimes carbs. You go that's good. That's balanced. If you only ate meat then you'd be insane.

God. Sometimes I watch movies. Sometimes I read books. Sometimes I'm not watching a movie. Yeah. So you were right to run away from your own house there. I suppose Charlie Charlie A poo story From Charlie also?

She's spoiling us During my gap year She can give us tat and a poo story Yeah She is the bag That bag wasn't your mother's bag Charlie It was your bag It was waiting for you like Jumanji

You're a lot of things, sure. But that's what makes you, you. It's your Excalibur. It's been waiting for you. That's right. You have chosen wisely. Well, when her mum handed it to Charlie, her mum said,

Oh, that's strange. I've never seen this bag before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she couldn't quite lift it. Only Charlie lifted it as if to wear a feather. It's your Mjolnir feather It's your Mjolnir It's your Mjolnir Tati Mjolnir

Tati Mjolnir is a Swedish jazz musician Tati Mjolnir If you want to go to the Gothenburg Jazz Festival You have to talk to Tati Mjolnir You've got to see Tati Mjolnir The hot tips A poo story

During my gap year between college and uni I lived and worked in a hotel Talk to Tati Mjolnir. You've got to see Tati Mjolnir. The hot tips. A poo story. During my gap year between college and uni, I lived and worked in a hotel in a very small town in northern France. Lovely. Lovely. One night, my friend and I decided that we wanted to go clubbing in the much larger student town of Rennes. Rennes. I've heard of Rennes.

Rennes is on the Atlantic coast Near the Brittany Near the border with Brittany On the sort of left hand side My other friend offered to drive us there And she picked us up and introduced us to her boyfriend And we all set off On the way I got to chatting with the boyfriend's friend

And decided he was quite cute Lovely You made a Rennes friend I wonder if you'll get off with a Rennes friend Decided he was quite cute. Lovely. You made a Ren friend. You made a Ren friend. I wonder if you'll get off with a Ren friend in the end. We got to the club at about 2am. This is Europe. This is Europe. This is 2am. This is Europe. This is Europe.

This is Europe living. This is Europe living. This is how to go out. You don't have to cram it all in by midnight, or 10pm now. But the night is yours. Yeah, the night is yours, and somehow they're all still up early enough to eat delicate pastries and not throw up. It's unbelievable. We got to the club at about 2am and all danced together for about an hour.

Me predominantly with the cute guy. However, the two guys disappeared at around 3 a.m. Oh. Chika chika. Gone. And we three girls didn't see them again Until we left the club at six Six Six

That's a longer session of cardio than you do at the fucking gym Fucking hell Just going For fucking three hours Without booze that doesn't make sense What do you mean without booze If you were sober just going For three hours

Presumably one of them is if they're driving. God, yeah. We walked outside to find the cute guy sitting on the pavement, drunk out of his mind, with blood running down his face. Yo! Yo, indeed. It turned out that he had seen a man acting aggressively in the street, and being the

trainee policeman that he was, that's a reveal, had stepped in to try and calm him down i've been decked in the face with a beer bottle that's why you must never help anyone it's true he picked the wrong side quest yeah his stats weren't high enough to block the beer bottle quest failed quest failed minus 10 xp such an insulting thing. Quest failed. Quest failed. Try again. No. We all teamed up to drag him back to the car.

Don't worry, my friend was completely sober. There you go. And on arrival, he promptly vomited all over his own jeans. The jeans were removed and he was placed next to me on the back seat, stinking of vomit and lolling all over me, nearly passing out. Cute. She didn't say that. That's funny.

I was adding that for fun. We got back to my friend's farmhouse. It's France. Sexy France. And me and my other friend passed out sharing the spare bed while the drunk formerly cute guy was on the sofa. That's such a shame. He's not attractive now because he tried to do the right thing. Yeah. And that's why you

should never do the right thing. No good deed goes unpunished he wasn't focused on staying apparently cute yeah he didn't realize that was his role for the night yeah yeah that's the thing i wonder if he was aware yeah so uh in what felt like the middle of the night but was probably actually 8 a.m i half woke up and saw a man looming over the bed oh half asleep i told him to fuck off in english but he must have understood the request from my tone, and he duly fucked off. About half an hour later, the same thing happened, but this time, when I woke up,

I could smell the light scent of manure from the farmyard, and thought the farmers must all be awake, mucking out the animals. Because they're in this farmhouse. I dozed off again, but the smell of manure was now so strong, it seeped into my dreams. Eventually, my friend and I woke up and headed to the bathroom it's a little worse

than that sort of like drunken like sleep that never quite settles and and your the room and the smells and the light and the sounds and your dreams all bleed and you can't tell reality from uh from from dream land and it's maddening i hate it it's it's like a having a fever dream in a from Dreamland. And it's maddening. I hate it. It's like having a fever dream in a Victorian set film. Being on opium.

I had one of these nights recently and just kept... In the morning, I just had sleep paralysis and I couldn't wake up. And in the sleep paralysis state, I was just terrified. Just terrified.

Just dread. And you have to like, it feels like you're peeling yourself off the bed to try and wake up. And to get myself out of bed and just try and reset. It's fucking horrible. Do you see any goblins? I had someone, like a dark

shadow come in and sit on the bed. And I can feel the bed sink down. No! Yeah, I get that quite regularly. That's my common one. The hag. She wasn't cackling this time. It was like a guy. It was like a dark shadow man.

A mate. What? Just a mate. Yeah, just a guy. A shadow mate. A guy and a shadow pal. I'm a lot of things, sure, he said. But it was the night after a delightful tasting menu at a very good restaurant.

But with a wine pairing and i think all these different types of boozes there's like nine wines or something jesus all just mixed into like the the end scene from dumbo and i just i just had all these hallucinations it all mixed together to make its own your own super poison the elephants on parade here they come oh so good yeah good. Yeah. Creepy. That scared the shit out of me. They have the hollow eyes. Here they come. It's really good.

It's because they have those hollow black eyes. Like skulls. It's really good stuff. For children. It's at the end of the movie. He gets drunk with the mouse at the end. They hallucinate and then he is sad because his mother's in the cage. And that's the end.

It's such a weird movie. It's such a fuck off of a film. So she's in this daze. Eventually, my friend and I woke up and headed to the bathrooms, plural, because there was a toilet in one small room and a sink and a shower in the next. Yeah. And they divvy it up. She headed into the toilet And I went to splash my face with water

At the sink As I lowered my head toward the basin I suddenly registered the source of the manure smell Rushing up to greet my descending nose A giant human turd In the sink In the sink No

It came out of her friend's end Her friend friend's back end Her friend friend's back end Oh no I felt a mixture of shock and horror Combined with hungover apathy And sluggishness That's the thing when you're so hungover

It's like oh whatever You register bad in your head and you go, oh. Like Terminator. Just blah, blah, blah. Bad. Bad. Or like in films where, in a war film where someone's been near an explosion and it's all just going, eee.

And they're sort of really calm as like bullets whizzing all around them and they're just sort of registering it all. Exactly. So she felt a mixture of shock and horror combined with hungover apathy and sluggishness and not knowing what to do i knocked on the toilet door and my friend said what i simply reply i sim i knocked on the toilet door and when my friend said what i simply replied there's a poo in the sink she emerged suddenly from the toilet. She'd been waiting, thinking she hadn't heard me correctly. We both stared at it for a moment, and then almost in unison shouted for our friend,

Aurelie! There's a Poe in the sink! I have never seen greater surprise on a person's face in my entire life. In my head, Aurelie looks like Breakfast at Tiffany's lady. What's her name? Oh, um... She's on every lady's bedroom wall. Cookie, cookie, cookie mini face.

Her name is Aubrey Hepburn. Aubrey Hepburn. Yeah. I imagine Aubrey Hepburn going, Oh no, a poo in the sink. Is Aurelie the guy or a girl? Aurelie's a girl. Okay. I imagine Aubrey Hepburn going, Oh no, a poo in the sink. Is Aurelie the guy or a girl? Aurelie's a girl. Okay.

I'm pretty sure. Yeah. Yeah, she, yeah. Aurelie. Aurelie's a girl's name. Yeah. Aurelie is our friend's daughter's name. Ah, yeah.

Aurelie, there's a poo in the sink. I've never seen greater surprise on a person's face in my life However having verified our claim She was very calm And suggested we all adjourn to the kitchen for breakfast Closing the door firmly behind her Come We must eat

That's a good call actually You want to get something in you before you solve the problem Yeah As we sat down with some cereal The man who mere hours ago was so drunk he shat in the sink Came back from his run. Wow. Whoa.

He is a training policeman. There's some boot camp shit he's been going through. He barely met our eyes as he tore off his trainers and we wordlessly watched him walk into the bathroom and turn on the shower. Fifteen minutes later, he emerged, physically clean but unable to scrub the shame from his heart. The poo was gone, the sink was clean, and the whole thing was never spoken of again. Well, yeah, he's at least a responsible kind of guy. Well, he's a policeman. He's probably a cop in Ren right now.

I had a similar experience in university when I got really drunk, and then I ate a chicken burger on the way back to my bedroom. And I was just like... And I lay down on my bed. And the second my head hit the pillow, my stomach contracted like an accordion. And I just sat up in one motion. I sat up and threw up... Full exorcist.

Like a brick of like almost solid vomit it was the chicken burger but like re-emulsified in its entirety yeah by like in a new just globule and it just hit the floor like that just like with a thud like that but just hold this keeping its shape and i just went and i lay back down i went to sleep and then i woke up and i was like oh what i think i bought and i looked and i saw it there just waiting on the on the rug yeah and i was like i can't feel i can't do this right now so i just got out of there and i walked around town and after the walk came back and i was all right and i picked it up in my hands it was so solid oh wow i just picked in one piece i just picked it up my hands and i just threw it in the toilet and i flushed it away so it's actually very easy clean felt cleansed

it was just one solid piece that you threw up like a cartoon character no like or like or like um kirby i threw up like a video game character yeah Yeah, like Mario. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boing. The mushroom came out. You just collect it and throw it away. That's mad. Anyway. So is that the end of the story? That's it.

Yeah, yeah. A friend of mine once threw up so powerfully he got it on the back of his own head. Wow. It ricocheted or something. Yeah, it was this like whirl. This tornado. Mark gets in touch.

Mark! What a lark. What a lark. Hello, WeF, Ovelli, and Pil Nang. Okay, we just throw in the letters about. Pil Nang sounds like a particularly horrific battle in the Vietnam War. Yeah, I was at Pil Nang.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in the shit, yeah, at Pilnang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in the shit, yeah, at Pilnang. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Dan Snow talking about the decisive result of Pilnang during the Tet Offensive. God, yeah. I offer you some Sainsbury's mugs with nonsense Tet messages. Some classics here.

Yours, Mark, in Edinburgh. Wow. So I've got a mug here saying, I'd rather be drinking beer. Then why make a mug at all? You can You can, you can have it with a different receptacle If you're old enough to have coffee

You're old enough to go buy beer Coffee is my happy place This is some Own brand shit This is like Auto produced Just reactive, not even trying Where's the soul

Where's the creativity where's the originality Where's the heart Which Sainsbury's it's known for It's true Lord Sainsbury would not be happy When he finds out about this May contain Prosecco See we read, was it in the last episode

or this episode? In the last episode, it was pretty good chance there's whiskey in this. Yeah. That's so much better than, what's this one?

May contain Prosecco. Than may contain Prosecco. Pretty good chance there's whiskey in this. It's so much funnier than may contain Prosecco. Why? Am I being sexist? Is it just because

whiskey is the mandarin and Prosecco is the galatic? I think the phrasing of the sentences saying, shush, this might contain Prosecco, says it does. Whereas pretty good chances whiskey in this is resigned and tired. And also there's some element of judgment. Self-judgment.

I'm bad for doing this. Pretty good chances. Someone's given up. That's kind of funny about that you it's the way that you'd warn a policeman if they were like have you uh have you been uh drinking anything you shouldn't have been tonight sir yeah look man it's pretty good there's a pretty good chance but like shmay contain prosecco is like you're not you're pretending to be ashamed about this but you're really quite proud. Or like, you're so drunk on Prosecco, you're now trying to get the policeman in on your fun joke. Which is annoying.

Madam, please climb down off that car. Shh, this might have Prosecco in it. And we know it does. You're climbing all over a Land Rover. Yeah. We need you to come down now. Yeah, not a fan. It's the self-knowledge, isn't it?

That's what makes things funny. He's going, there's a pretty good chance that we're going to risk the exhaustion in the voice of that mug. Next one is, again, pretty standard. I wish this was a gin and tonic. Do you? Just root one.

Have you ever had a gin and tonic at 11 in the morning? You ruin your whole day. Three in the afternoon you have a headache going what when people try and talk to you i think these mugs should have a drink responsibility print as much as any alcohol advert i think you shouldn't be able to sell these mugs without drink that's a good point actually this is basically just constantly saying to anyone anyone younger than 18 could read these and just constantly it's like there's nothing quirkier and more interesting than drinking booze in the day and it's fine and it's it's being it's not just fine it's in actively endearing and validated by

by the mainstream supermarkets yeah yeah yeah and coffee makers or even just like yeah yeah this mug belongs to a living legend I don't think Desmond Tutu has that mug I didn't know you had so much respect for Tutu Oh yeah The Toots Why do you love Desmond Tutu so much? Desmond Tutu is very morally consistent

Is he? To the point of his own great inconvenience That's when you know someone's morally consistent When they stand up for something that makes their life way harder and more... When is he Benham strong by his own principle? So he was with, you know, him and Mandela, you know, worked together. And Mandela, you know, ANC,

African National Party. But now that the ANC are in charge, they're very close to China. And Desmond Tutu is like a, you know, religious freedom, you know, stand by the oppressed wherever you are. Whereas the ANC denied the Dalai Lama a visa to visit is like a you know religious freedom you know stand by the oppressed wherever you are whereas the anc were like denied the dalai lama visa to visit south africa wouldn't let him come cancel this trip just like doing whatever china wants yeah and desmatutu was like this isn't the

anc mandela uh was it like tore them a strip uh tore a strip off them yeah yeah good on toots everyone else was like well you know the new way of doing things. Whereas he was like, he gets a lot of shit as a result from pretty much everyone. Right. Which is a sign of a morally consistent person. Also a sign of someone who truly believes God has their back. Oh, fuck yeah. This guy acts like he knows that there's a big old man with a big old finger up there

and he's going to come smush you. God, to have the confidence of a 90 plus years old archbishop yeah to be the confidence of someone who truly believes in self to be god appointed i love the toots i love old old desmond okay nice we learned something about beer today yes uh so we got some old school stuff here now From Christopher Christopher Poonpistopher It's true Dear Philanthropy and Prosperity

Nice, a blessing A blessing upon us A blessing Having intended to listen to your podcast As suggestions for you in the Google Podcast app For about a year Redundancy finally gave me the time oh yeah good thank you google and thank you google and the impending economic collapse

redundancy sorry to hear that chris finally gave me the time to deep dive into your fine work and escape the bin bags turn of events in my newly bum bum life newly bum bum life forever i'm 31 episodes in i'm about a week or two at this rate from catching up. Very much enjoying the pod while walking my dogs three times a day. Wow. It's okay.

I'm allowed to out this often in Australia, another Aussie. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I've decided to start from the beginning and sincerely hope that neither tragedy

nor creative differences have befallen the Bud Pod by the time I reach the present day. Like if we'd gone Lennon and McCartney. Pooh stories have to be like this, man. And a historian in the making.

A historian in the making. So, coolest uncool thing, he says, his suggestion. Oh yeah, great. Coolest uncool thing, beekeeping. Yes, yes, yes. The outfit is really cool. And being able to withstand

all those nasty bees is cool. And to be able to have your own honey. Yeah. Big amounts of honey. And also you could say to people like, oh, I'd love to, but, you know, the bees. They'd be like, what? The what? And you'd be like, oh, I have all these bees.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they go, oh, really? And you go, yeah, yeah. Because they're all very eco as well, isn't it? And you're like, yeah, plant some wild meadow flowers. That's right, that's right, that's right. It'd be good for the bees. Yeah, they it's all very eco as well, isn't it? You're like, yeah, plant some wild meadow flowers. That's right, that's right. It'd be good for the bees. Yeah, that'd be good.

And they would probably be quite good for flirting, wouldn't it? Assuming you have a spare beekeeping outfit. Otherwise it would be very bad. Play safe. No, I mean talking about it. Wrap up, guys. It's a nerdier version of a man who owns a horse farm being this kind of fantasy where it's like, I care for the horse a nerdier version of a man who owns a horse farm being this kind

of fantasy where it's like i care for the horse right in a way they care for me you know that whole fucking thing yeah the bees thing but the bee thing is cool because like when you're around them you like you have a superpower you look like a you look like you're in bioshock you know you can command all these bees what do you say to the lady? Yeah, you know, I care for the bees. They don't know what I am. They think I'm some kind of smoky god, I don't know, who steals their honey as punishment. I can only imagine the theology the bees have developed around me.

Yes, that's a good suggestion, beekeeping. Uncoolest cool thing. So it's still cool cool but it's the least cool really expensive swiss watches oh yeah yeah yeah like patek philippe very very lame yeah and you can't get around the fact that you know it's a handmade beautiful and expensive piece of art but come on they're there i know someone who like used to work at one of the magazines or like one of the like yearly fucking expensive watch watch out for watches um conference or whatever watch out that's what the magazine is called that's good that's good but i mean these watches can go for like

hundreds of thousands of pounds each oh yeah um people just collect them and don't even wear them it's pathetic and it's always by men who cannot find love. Who cannot find love. They will never be with anyone who loves them truly. And it's like they've accepted it now. They've gone, the watchers are my wife. Pretty much. Pretty much. There's nothing more tragic than a guy who's really into watchers.

Oh, it makes me shiver. I don't think... Does any woman collect watches? Or is this like Knowing lots about trains when you're seven And it's almost exclusively a male thing I think it's a vanishingly small number of women Must be Must be

I'm sure there are a couple And they're on the cover of Watch Out At least three times a year Watch Out's Lady three times a year. Watch Out's Lady of Leisure. It's Sarah Grustenberg. Yeah, it's always got a German. They're like Swiss.

That's why they're into it. They're equivalent of the female F1 drivers and stuff. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Always seemingly German or Italian. Yeah, that makes sense. Just near where it all happens. Authoritarian thought. Oh, yeah.

I miss authoritarian thoughts. Yeah, we'll get that back actually. Broccoli suppliers should be forced to trim the stem to a reasonable length or lose fingers. They cut them far too long. Which type of broccoli are we talking about? Just regular crowns of big crown broccoli, I'm guessing. To be fair, sometimes you'll get like a good two or

three inches of rock hard. But the thing is, that is good for like soup and you can make stock out of it. You might as well have the extra. You've got a real Asian attitude to the hard bits of vegetables that we could all learn a lot from. It's good for broccoli soup. Just stew that up and blend it. Yeah. Just gives it a bit

more body. Still got some nutrients in there. It looks like it should be good. It's not really good to eat on its own i guess it looks like it should become like sort of weird green slices yeah i know i know i know but it doesn't behave like that no it doesn't behave it won't behave um i have when the supermarket was quiet snapped off a fair chunk of the offending stem when i couldn't find any with a reasonable length of stalk? I'm sorry, Mr. Supermarket. I'm only paying for the sweet, sweet florets. Why is that such a funny sentence? I'm only paying for the sweet, sweet florets.

I'm only paying for the sweet, sweet florets. Mr. Supermarket. Those sweet, sweet florets. To be fair, if he's buying it by weight That's a good That's a very good point You should bring in a little razor Like a mobster from the 20s

And just go around trimming the brock That's a very good point Those who say the stem is edible, nutritious and delicious You're welcome to pick up my discarded stem if you wish That's me That's you there, scrabbling on the floor for an old stem Under the approving gaze of mr supermarket i feel very strongly about this but not such that i would ever do this brazenly if anyone either staff members or fellow shoppers might possibly catch

me that's pretty strong though still yeah by weight that's fair enough uh libertarian thought this is a weird one paraplanes and microlights i'm already lost a microlight is like there's really little planes you can fly like there's really like a little helicopter like the drones no no you're in it oh you're in it yeah like a little glider thing or like a little cessna paraplanes or like a parachute plane no idea like a hang glider thing or like a little cessna paraplanes or like a parachute plane no idea like a hang glider and microlights should be far more common and easy to get a license like scooters in the sky you probably only end up killing yourself and maybe take out the odd high voltage power line in the absence of flying cars we were promised this is the only logical step that's such an australian thing to suggest given how empty australia is where it's like i don't see a

problem with flying a lot of planes everywhere. You can't do that in Western Europe, man. No. Pooh story. Oh, yeah. Having moved to Australia from the UK. Ah, there you go. My wife and I have taken many long drives across remote areas where public conveniences

and even roadside bushes and trees are unreliable for privacy from both directions and potentially home to dangereux wildlife. This is a theme we have encountered before on this podcast. It is. Therefore, the oft-done thing for the emergency poos and lady-wees is what we call double-dooring. Okay. Very European.

Very modern. Or do you do double-door? Do you double-door? On petit peu de double Holding like masquerade masks Yeah It's the double door of the season Pulling to the side of the road and opening the passenger side

front and rear door create a screen for the dirty business on a rural roadside Okay So the two doors on one side create a sort of cubicle effect. Ah, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. When the passenger is double-dooring, the driver can, if the mood takes them, turn the car on and slowly creep forward.

That's funny. Causing the poo-er to have to shuffle sideways with their pants down as they try to poop like some kind of dirty outback desert crapping crab. You're a dirty outback desert crapping crab that sounds like a fun overly complex lyric from an old film it's very funny and or irritating depending on whether or not you are the crab yes given the number of short stories i've already heard short court short stories i've already heard on the podcast i thought it was only fair to introduce double dooring as a viable option

even on surprisingly busy roads see when we're not just a poop podcast, we're educational as well. We're helping you poop better. Poop better, faster. Safer. Stronger. Stronger, yes. Crabbier.

Poop stronger, poop faster. Protect the NHS. Yes. Let's... nhs um let's lillian gets in touch and the subject line of this is kfc is my enemy oh no lillian don't be silly and i love the colonel's best don't make an enemy of the Colonel. He's a military man. He'll outflank you. Yes. And the torture tactics he learned in the war. No thanks.

The Colonel was at Pilnang. The Colonel was definitely at Pilnang. The Colonel can't forget what he saw at Pilnang. Just a fried chicken all day long to distract himself from the memories of Pilnang. Dear Poopy Peas. Nice. Nice. Nice. I have yet another...

I think Lillian has gotten in touch before. I have yet another pooey story to add to your collection. I have a worryingly large repertoire of poo stories, but this is my favorite. When I was about 13, I had a sleepover around my friend's house. Yeah, quite a few of these start this way.

For dinner that evening, her mother had treated us to a KFC. Lovely. Good mum. Thanks, mum. Thanks, mum. Cool mum. Your mum's cool.

My mum never gets KFC. Friends mum. Yeah, this is me saying to the mum. You're Lillian. Saying to the friend, your mum's cool. My mum never gets KFC. My mum hates the Colonel

because of what he did at Pilnay She had to escape Pilnay and she's never forgiven him Her mother had treated us to a KFC Something I'd never tried before At 13 Phil and I once knew someone who At 18 Oh no, 19

Had never had any takeaway food. Never been to McDonald's, KFC. Subway. Nothing. They'd never been to an arcade. Like a video games arcade. Yeah, they'd never been to an arcade. That came up.

Wow. It's like talking to a time traveler. Something I'd never tried before, says Lillian, and therefore did not know the catastrophical effect it had on my bowels. Right, yes. I guess the first one probably is a bit of a shock to the system. it had on my bowels. Right. Yes. I guess the first one probably is a bit of a shock to the system.

It's greasy. Greasy. It's greasy and meaty. I had enjoyed the delicious meal and felt fine the whole evening.

Looking back that was the calm before the brown storm. Never take your eyes off the colonel. Operation brown storm. The colonel's like Rambo. He's in the trees All painted up

Do you know that smile? That rectus smile? And his bow tie It's perfect, pristine bow tie Undoes his bow tie and strangles you to death with it from behind Still smiling Still smiling So you thought you'd tell someone about the herbs?

Looking back it was the calm before the brown storm. In the morning, I woke up needing a poo. Fair enough. Natural. But I decided not to do it at my friend's house. Oh, that's good. Very considerate. And instead waited for my mum to pick me up.

When my mum finally picked me up, I thought I was safe, longing for my toilet at home. However, my mum mum who had no knowledge of the current bowel situation said she needed to go shopping oh nothing worse as a kid where you think oh it's home time you guess i just need to go do a few things for four hours yeah you just go your brain gets into that level of boredom where you almost feel a bit carsick especially when you grow up in a country where there are no One stop shopping centres for everything And everything is spread out across the entire city Yes exactly To get like five things

That's five separate trips It's a whole day gone It's a whole afternoon video games gone And it's like going shopping in 1910 Torture When you've got Spider-Man 2 At home on the Playstation If you're waiting to get back and frag some noobs on Call of Duty.

Oh, horrible. So Mai said she needed to go shopping. I told her I'd stay in the car, as I knew I wouldn't make it around a supermarket without causing a cleanup on aisle four. Also, potentially, if they're a loving parent, more impetus to get it done quick. Actually, yeah. Unless they're a loving parent, more impetus to get it done quick. Actually, yeah.

Yeah. Unless they just forget about you altogether. Or they just go like, yeah, okay, okay. Also, interesting, Lillian unwilling to take the chance that there's a supermarket toilet of some kind. You never know. That's true. So I sat in my car in the middle of a car park, counting down the minutes, until she came back. Suddenly, I was overcome by an alarming urgency. A need

to shit. I contemplated trying to run to the shop toilets. Ah, there we are. But I knew I wouldn't make it in time. Clean up an awful lot. The words of Bear Grylls floated in my mind. Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. So I grabbed a plastic bag from the boot, pulled down

my trousers, and let out a waterfall of shit. Here's hoping the bag didn't have little holes in the bottom sometimes i have a couple little holes for some reason to stop you catching air in it or something a pungent odor filled the car forcing me to gag as if shitting in the car wasn't the worst part of this ordeal a middle-aged man who had parked his car next to us came back to unload his shopping into his car as he he glanced into my car, he was greeted with a 13-year-old girl squatting trouserless over a plastic bag. Our eyes met. He probably saw the pain in my eyes as I wondered when the poo would stop flowing.

Eventually, he decided that watching a young girl shitting was probably not appropriate, and he left as if nothing had happened. As the brown liquid ceased and I had found a tissue to wipe, I thought the nightmare was over. But alas, the universe had other plans. I soon realised that the bag I had been pooing into had holes in it. Yes, I knew it.

I knew it. Chekhov's holes. Too little. Sneaky holes in the little corners there. I guess it's to stop kids from suffocating. Is that it? I guess. Maybe. I guess it's to stop kids from suffocating, is that it? I guess. Maybe? I guess so. Or like so it doesn't catch as easily if you're flipping it around.

Of course there are holes. Of course there were holes. Panic set upon me. My mum would kill me if she found diarrhea in the back of her car. I swiftly pulled up my trousers, trying to ignore the slither of poo in my pants. Caused by a lack of speed when pulling them down. Oh god, there was friendly fire. Friendly fire at Pil Nang.

I tied the bag, got out of my car and briskly walked across the car park carrying a bag which was dripping with diarrhea. Luckily I got to the bin before I saw anyone who would recognise me. I then returned to my car and waited till my mum got back. She returned to the car with her shopping And greeted me with

Jesus Christ Stinks in here Thank you for your podcast and Koji Lillian It's a good story And I also like you leave it there You leave it without a resolution with your mother I like that That's a real Kirby enthusiasm ending

Jesus it stings the head Good stuff Good stuff Lillian That was Lillian wasn't it That was Lillian Hey that's the end of our follow through That's the end of the follow through We ended on Lillian's account of her time

At Pilnang 1-0 to the Colonel I'd say That one That's the end of the follow through. We ended on Lillian's account of her time at Pilnang. 1-0 to the Colonel, I'd say. That one. I don't think I can eat KFC anymore, you know. Why? The taste. Yeah, the taste is weird.

Yeah, a little bit like petrol. But not the sort of tenders, you know, like the kind of... The ones that are just like meat in a kind of strip. Oh, yeah. The breast strips. The breast strips seem okay. It's the big old bone ones. The pieces, that's a shame. That's such a shame.

But now it's an excuse to be decadent and eat the little strippy strops. Yeah. It really struck me as the more decadent option. It is, to have all the work taken out of it. That's it, yeah, what a king would eat. Yeah, that's right, that's right, that's right. Well, I hope you guys can eat KFC. Yeah.

Thank you for listening, guys. I'm trying to think, do we have anything to promote? Kind of not really. I'm on Twitch, as ever. Yeah. That's what I'm doing after this. Gonna go fire up some Crusader Kings 3. Yeah, I've not got anything to beg from anyone right now

but I will soon. Oh, we will soon. Oh, and we're looking into merch. Yes, that's the thing. We're looking into merch, guys. Hopefully be able to sell TAT of our own. So do keep an eye out for that. After fancying the world of TAT for so long, this is our

press release. After being TAT fanciers for so long, this is our press release. After being tat fanciers for so long, Phil and Pierre are delighted to report they're finally jumping in with both legs. We'll do some horrible write-up. But yeah, thanks very much for listening, guys, and Koji! Koji, everybody! Bye-bye!