BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 85 - Cancellation Is Cancelled

Episode Date: October 21, 2020

Cancellation is over! Malala's twitter nonsense, smart phone archaeology, "inspiring business", BudPod Island, rat brain, Assassin's Creed: Priti Patel, a little election chat and a little bit of gun chat Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's 85. 85? A weighty hive. A weighty hive. The bees have been busy, there's honey aplenty, and the hive is weighty. Hello, and welcome to Budpon. A weighty hive indeed. Yes, a weighty hive staying alive. 85. We're recording this a little early, early everyone so that's why our two households

are mixing indoors that's right on the day you're hearing this uh london will be four five days into its tier two high level lockdown maybe even it will go up maybe it's tier three by this point we're recording this on thursday and it's all kicking off on saturday they've gone get your disease spreading in yeah before it all shuts down but at least they've not fucking gone monday so everyone goes fucking mental on the weekend i mean it's only taking them seven months to learn to figure it out not to give people a weekend to cram it all in yeah yeah yeah guys we're all gonna quit drinking on monday right guys on monday so you'd better make the most of this chance

yeah yeah um uh but i hope you all are doing okay uh um pierre and i here in the past on Thursday have just been really enjoying because we love to cancel watch and well basically we were at dinner last night and Pierre looked at his phone and he looked at me and he said I'll give you £20 if you can

guess who Twitter is trying to cancel now because dear listener if you missed this I could not believe it i couldn't believe it it was it was malala i got it in the end it took me about five minutes but eventually went malala yusuf sai and pierre went yep you got it uh malala malala i i i it's of course very heck to say Something is completed or we've completed Something but

We've completed Twitter Once you've cancelled Malala And Twitter fell to its knees and wept For there were no more people to cancel What's amazing Is that the whole point of cancelling Is someone

Is kind of like We should probably say what her offence was What's amazing is that the whole point of cancelling is someone is kind of like... We should probably say what her offence was. Oh, yes, of course. So if you're wondering what Malala did to be cancelled, we're not all shocked because it was something worth doing. She put up a Facebook status, like on her personal Facebook, I think. I don't know.

But basically, one of her friends at Oxford University where she's studying, you know, after being shot in the head by the Taliban. And recovering. And recovering. And the bits of her brain that was left were still smart enough to go to Oxford. Someone shot her in the head and she went to Oxford. Imagine if she hadn't been shot in the head. She'd be running the world immediately.

And will probably end up, to be fair, running at least part of the world. She's an X-Man. She's an X-Man? Part of her brain was blown out, and her career now is her brain. That's how powerful her brain was. It's insane.

She's like Storm. She won... No, not Storm. Who's the one who's also psychic, who Laser Eyes is always in love with Cyclops Oh Oh

Jean Jean Grey Jean She's like Jean Grey That's right Yeah, most people win the Nobel Prize Before they lose part of their brain Yeah

But she lost part of her brain And then became the youngest ever Nobel Prize winner. Yeah, after. Anyway, this incredible person of indomitable will put up a Facebook status saying hey, my friend Bifton is running to be head of the Conservative Association

of Oxford University, like the student one. Please vote for my friend Bifton. There you go, that was it. That was what was wrong she knew someone she's not even in the conservative association so everyone was like malala's a tori can't believe malala's a hashtag tori i saw i saw someone someone trying to calm everyone down saying well she's just supporting her friend and someone someone commented on that, she's supporting a Tory. It's like, yeah, for the Tory society. It's not like she's, she's not even saying support the Tories in the election or against someone who's not a Tory. Support this Tory in favour of the other Tories.

Why can't she support a member of Labour to be in charge of the Tory party? That would be better. neighbor to be in charge of the tory party that would be better i guess it's that thing of like uh oh don't be friends with the tory never kiss a tory it's like this kind of weird it's pure this is purity politics was literally like it's it's the closest thing to it is like amish shunning if you commit an offense in the amish community they just all won't speak to you and you go insane from loneliness. I mean, it works as a tactic, but to see it applied to Malala...

That's incredible. I mean, it's... The British far left are operating a policy akin to the one-drop rule in racist America. If you have one drop of tori touch you you're basically all tori well that's what's funny is that the whole point of burning a witch because they aren't pure is that is to hide the fact that you aren't pure because no one is it's not possible the only people who are are like

the only people who are are like um there's a lot of people who are like high up in the labor party for example whose parents were like labor activists in the 70s and whose like grandparents were like union activists in the 30s and they're like genetically pure they're almost like aristocrats my family have been my family have been fighting for the working man for a terribly long time. So they have sort of an argument about being pure, but then the rest of us, it's like, well, yeah, you've got like an elderly relative who's right-wing who you don't abandon

during coronavirus. It's like, well, how dare you? None of the people trying to cancel, and I'll say it again, Malala. Just in case you missed it. Just in case you thought you misheard none of them are pure either

and when the mob comes for them oh yeah it's bloodbath but I mean if the far left if the far left can cancel a Nobel winning Muslim

woman who campaigns for the education of girls in the developing world yeah there's there's no i'm almost impressed because there's no they prove there's no one we can't try and do this do you think it was like uh there's no one is if but is there no introspection that all these people, these far lefties go... They're all so dumb, they don't even go, well, if Malala can get cancelled, I guess I could. Because I've done far, far less.

I think they... But then again, it's all about inaction, isn't it? They go, it doesn't matter if you've never done anything to help anyone, as long as your thoughts were always pure. That's it. Because if they cared about that they'd care about winning elections and they manifestly don't because winning an election you go oh there's so many people who don't get paid enough you go okay

we'll win the election and then you can change that no because that would mean compromise and you go okay so then they'll those people will stay poor then yeah and it'll show the world how bad it is and you go well i'm pretty sure they'd prefer the money but okay that seems fine it seems like a fun option for them for you to have done that yeah they don't care they go they would rather a billion young non-white women in the developing world remain illiterate than malala be friends with a single conservative that's really it, isn't it? At Oxford, they go, I would rather they never...

Because if they learn to read, they'll only use it to read her Facebook update and they'll be as angry as me, I assume. Malala. Another strain of these fucking lunatics' conspiracism is that these fucking lunatics conspiracism is that Oxbridge as institutions are so right wing that someone like Malala

can go into Oxford and be turned into a Tory yeah yeah yeah you go there and people surround you going hey Tory party Tory party and then there's a big cauldron and Margaret Thatcher's there she's still alive

they've just kept her hidden she kisses everyone on the forehead and they go and their eyes do that spinny like you know Batman thing and they suddenly go free market that's it and then you graduate that's the graduation ceremony for Oxbridge

as you and I know that's what happened to us that's why we're brainwashed into whatever it is graduation ceremony for Oxbridge, as you and I know. That's what happened to us. Yeah, absolutely. That's why we're brainwashed into whatever it is. Whatever it is we're supposed to do, I don't know. Hunt the homeless for sport.

But it's... I can... I'm always amazed by the capacity of people who have done literally nothing with their lives to criticise someone who have done literally nothing with their lives to criticize someone who's done an unfathomable amount yeah in their lives i think if you've done nothing in your lives you're not allowed you shouldn't be able to comment on someone who's done something

yeah i think you you shouldn't be able to comment on like robert mugabe if you've just sat in your room tweeting about socialism, I think, you know, you have to at least, you have to commit some action in life somehow. Yeah. To be a valid member of society. If your Twitter name is just Stalin Bay 69, you don't get to shitpost about Malala. You don't get to simultaneously be like, it's outrageous that Malala has a friend who is in the student Tory society and she would like her friend to do well in that.

And then to be like, Mao did nothing wrong. Yeah, that's amazing. You can't cancel Malala and uncancel Mao or Stalin. When there's documentary evidence of massacres and camps. And to just go, no, that's just the price of wonderful progress. And then a Malala facebook status has you bleeding from the eyes all weekend i can't i can't believe it you're right though it's like

it's almost impressive it's like they got together and they're like we're finally going to do it the big one the biggest heist of all like fort knox right they said it couldn't be done escape from alcatraz we're gonna cancel the one person people would never think ladies and gentlemen and then he whips off a sheet off a canvas yeah i present to you the big one and it's just a photo of malala everyone oh everyone gasps and they've got a whole gang together they've got got the little nimble guy who's good at climbing through vents. They've got the diamond specialist. They've got the safe cracker. They've got the explosives guy.

They've got the con man, the handsome con man. They're all there. Yeah, what's the way in? No way in. We just straight up cancel her. It's the last thing they'll expect. Well, what's her weakness? What she's done? Oh, nothing.

Nothing. That's why they won't be expecting it. You're crazy. I should never have agreed to this. And they all try and walk out. We're going to walk right in the front. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to walk right through the door. And they're going to let us. Yeah, exactly. I can't believe it yeah but this like i was saying this last night this must mean that canceling is over it's over it's the snake has finally eaten itself

because if someone tries to cancel someone then they can just go well they did this to malala who cares they did this to malala so it was really interesting it's the the penny's finally starting to drop you know that smp mp um who was caught taking a train across from london to glasgow knowing she had covid she she had covid symptoms and i think it was even worse she did something like go from scotland to london london to glasgow and then also spoke at a catholic mass right yeah there were reports on twitter i saw that there was an eyewitness i probably looked that up anyway yeah this is the smp mind so i don't care how sassy nicholas sturgeon is but they fucked up just as much as the story party has in england they're just a bit sassier about it yeah and but she's

now said and everyone's like she has to quit she has to quit yeah and and i was i was watching reading the story like hey i wanted i wanted to phone her up and say hey lady don't quit yeah there's no need to and then a few days ago she's come out saying i'm not going to quit yeah and i just thought here it is the penny's finally dropped yeah people now know this shit lasts for three days max. Yep. Dominic Cummings. Dominic Cummings was the longest.

That was about a week. Yeah. That was the longest because he's the most high profile. Exactly. And even he could just be like, no. Yeah. People realize now people can do fuck all. People can't do anything.

No one can do anything. You can't change anything. Anything. And then like in four years, there'll be an election and they'll go, remember when? And everyone will go, anything. Anything. And then, like, in four years, there'll be an election. And they'll go, remember when? And everyone will go, no. Yeah. And all the people, like, if you're trying to take away votes from the SNP, they'll be like, remember when she sneezed in your grandma's mouth?

And they'll go, well, she would have wanted a free Scotland. And that'll be it. Yeah, she said Scotland when she sneezed. Scotland like that. Yeah. And that's good enough for me. She cried freedom and coughed in Nana's mouth. And then I went...

Nana was singing the Flower of Scotland until her ventilator was turned off. So that's it. That's my vote. Gone. But that's a Malala moment as well. Yeah. I think Penny will drop now

and everyone can go, Oh, I can be a free-thinking member of society and do what i please and even if some people try and build up some shit against me it'll last three days max it used to it's funny isn't it because the problem now is that no one ever resigns and theresa may was a good example but there were literally like 10 or 11 moments where in history the prime minister would have resigned and she just didn't right there were like 11 moments where it's like this is literally when you know so-and-so resigned like an actual well

like like what well like completely losing the confidence of parliament calling a failed election having your own party rebel against you and losing again losing again losing again losing a fifth time like on and on and on having your own cabinet briefing against you having to replace your like it goes on uh the hostile environment which you started when you were home secretary and then are you just blaming amber rudd resign resign resign resign they've deported a bunch of british people because they're black and they've just gone you look like you're from jamaica go die in fucking jamaica and they go no please and they just deport them resign she never did she just went no i have a job to do yeah but that's the problem is that on one end there's politicians learning that they never have

to resign even though it used to be that they would at least have to and then that that has gone up not resigning is shooting up in the sky on the graph and on the other end of the graph is how often they're asked to resign right yeah yeah so it's like a toxic it's inflation yeah it's a bloated it's a bloated market yeah yeah so it would be like uh the tories have done this resign and they can just go like the more you ask them to the less power that a request has i guess and the more they say no the more they underline the fact that they don't have to care what you think yep so. So it's a toxic cycle, whereas it used to be that... And it just becomes noise now, asking people to resign.

Yeah, everyone's asked to resign constantly. And as you say... I mean, Nicola Sturgeon asked that woman to resign. Yeah. The head of her own party. That's big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boris Johnson did not ask Dominic Cummings to resign publicly.

Mm-hmm. This is the equivalent of if he did, and Dominic Cummings to resign publicly This is the equivalent of if he did And Dominic Cummings was like Still no, I'm coming to your house To work for you Whether you like it or not Only politicians can say I can't quit my job I have my job to do

It's such perfect circular logic. And you kind of go, yeah, I guess fair enough. Wait, what? You're a terrible window cleaner. You're fired. Oh, yeah? Well, he's going to clean the windows. Well, not you.

Me, exactly. Me. But you don't clean the windows, don't I? Well, not if I quit. And you're like, oh, shit, you're right. Not if you fire me. Oh, fuck. Not if you fire me.

Fuck. Well, I'm going to start a petition of recall in your constituency to get you fired, like for an MP. And it's like, oh, the constituency who elected me. And the petition of recall needs like whatever it is, 60%, 80% of constituents to sign it. It's a really high number. You're not going to get that. Yeah. One of the only times in history that worked is when that Labour MP from East Anglia

crashed her car, did like fraud and claimed her brother was driving the car or whatever. That's like one of the only times in history enough people have signed the thing. Oh, right. Get fucked, we're having a by-election. Never works. Because by definition,

the winning MP has loads of local support. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Hmm. Malala. Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. Malala. Yeah, so basically if PodBuds ever say BudPod has gone too far and it has to stop, we will say we can't stop doing BudPod because then who will do BudPod?

Who will do BudPod if you get rid of us, eh? If you destroy BudPod, how is Bud Pod going to keep going? And you'd go, oh yeah, they're right. Yeah. And then we can say, you know, they did this to Malala. Yeah, they did. You know, they tried this with Malala. And from now on, actual crazy right-wing people who do need to go away can just use Malala.

They have that forever now. They can just go, yeah, well, Malala you you tried to do this to her and now i'm like her that's right now i'm like malala they'll say katie hopkins will say that within a month i fucking guarantee it some lunatic fascist will say that within a month and they've been given that gift by someone called leon thotsky on twitter some some stupid prick with a hammer and sickle emote has given them this incredible gift. Like how the anti-Semitism in Labour has given Tories an excuse to vote

for an institutionally racist party forever. You can say to the Conservatives, your party's institutionally racist, and they go, yeah, well, so is Labour, and everyone... More officially so even more officially so because they were investigated and uh we refuse to investigate ourselves and we're still going to vote for us because you did bye you said it was for the greater good well we're going to say that too obviously we're going to say that we believe what believe. It's amazing the amount of presence that

Boris Johnson has been given this year in terms of rhetoric. Available rhetoric. Maybe he'll say something about Malala. I wonder if it'll get that far. I bet if Boris Johnson was smart he'd release a statement going, She's always welcome at our party. And really stir the fucking pot.

Exactly. That'd be so funny. That'd be so great. Just piss everyone off. Oh my god. The Tory MP for Oxfordshire. Malala. Like it becomes true like a kind of curse. Because they all said it, it becomes true.

Oh my god. Oh, Twitter. I hope it goes away and is deleted. Twitter? Yeah. Oh, Twitter, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like at the end of Fight Club where they just blow up all those credit card towers?

Yeah. But whatever, a digital version of that. I don't know what that would be. A volcano erupts and Silicon Valley just gets covered in lava. Just Zuckerberg and Elon Musk and all these people like pompeii yeah yeah all the all the bodies um they find in a thousand years all holding a phone

all crouched holding a phone looking for updates they would we hope we think they were either trying to text their families or looking for updates. Dude, archaeologists in thousands of years are going to find iPhones. Everywhere. It's not fucking crackers. Well, it's funny. I mean, one of the guys who lectured us when I was doing my weird niche degree, his whole thing was coins.

He was the coin guy. He was Johnny Coins. No thanks. Numismatist. He was a numismatist. And he was saying like oh we have this many thousand silver coins from the Anglo-Saxon period. But someone had done a clever equation to work out how many coins they actually had in circulation.

Because it used to be that they were so naive. They were like well we've only found three coins I can't believe they only had three coins. And someone went you know we should probably figure out like how many coins there actually were. Probably more than that.

Maybe they even did something like based on how many coins we knew there were in the 1600s and how many of those we find. Like make that assumption. I don't know. But it was like thousands and thousands and hundreds of thousands. So many. So maybe they'll find like four iphones and there'll be one academic brave enough to go everyone had one right right right and someone will be like it was only the elite probably some sort of ceo or duke uh would have one of these a uh what what was called a

cheo a cheo who was head of a company keo A cheo. Who was head of a company. Cheo or cheo, depending on the era. Who was the head of what they used to have, these things called companies. Which was sort of like clubs or gangs. Initially operating out of buildings buildings but then operating through what they would call the internet which is a very crude metal version of the brain hologram we all share now

companies are sort of monetized versions of what we would now call fuck clubs but instead of fucking in this in the dome they would they would exchange things and services that weren't fucking not necessarily all the time for something called

money and uh money was originally shards of metal they found on the floor, and they would swap these pointless objects for sandwiches from somewhere called Pret. Pret comes up a lot. We think it was a good luck phrase, carved into a lot of metal, into a lot of signs. And in exchange, Pret would give them these sandwiches, which they would eat in a ritual above their keyboard in order to, we think, imbue the computer with... They believed they were feeding the computer with the crumbs.

It was a very primitive society. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How would you explain so many of the jobs? I think I mentioned this a few pods ago the book the do you remember you read that column bullshit jobs it became a book i think we talked about this uh no anarchist academic who died turned into a book he just wrote a column about how like most jobs so many jobs now just made up right or like the purpose of them is made up well that like all right the whole point is like john maynard keynes

was like well we've invented machines to do loads of work one computers with a hundred secretaries so working hours should go down to 30 a week by the 80s yeah you predicted that before world war ii yeah so they're not are they everyone's working more than they ever have that's right yeah just make so what's going on filling the gap well. Because I've got all this free time. Well, I guess I can make and sell more stuff. I guess I'm a social media manager. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your job? I have to come up with jokes that are about Pepsi.

For the Pepsi Twitter and Facebook accounts. For the UK and Ireland. That kind of thing. That's not a, you know. No. I was talking with my sister sister and we were talking about how have you ever seen that loads of those business seminars are about like how do we inspire our workforce okay yeah it's like how do we inspire our workers i find something so funny about that

what the presumption that your workers need inspiring well if it's a company that just sells egg sandwiches how do we inspire our workforce you won't you sell egg sandwiches yeah you're not a hospital just sell the sandwiches sell them but they're asking how to inspire people because they know that inspired people work harder with not more money, e.g. nurses. So they essentially say, how do we trick people into seeing my egg sandwich business as a vital part of who they are and for the good of the community? So they're like, no, I'm going to stay another three hours working on the egg sandwich pitch. three hours working on the egg sandwich pitch let's yeah how do we make up for the gap left by a pay rise everyone really needs can we pay them in inspiration instead is there a make up for that

shortfall in inspiration yeah we could get the budget from just one pay rise and use it to fill the break room with kit kats it's's corporate tat. It's corporate tat. Corporate mind tat. Tat of the mind is the future of tat. That's right, it's the future of tat. This is a form of tat that you don't even need to hold in your hand. We should do like a Microsoft style launch for mind tat.

Or both of us wearing really high-waisted chinos getting all excited. Oh, right. Have you seen that video of the Microsoft guys going, fuck,

like, just trying really hard to go crazy? The Windows 98 launch. And they're like, pumping their arms like when six-year-olds are at a disco.

And it's just you and me on stage going, whoop, just punching the air, doing star jumps. Mind tat. Mind tat. Tat of the mind. Woo! Woo! Mind, Dad. Mind. Mind, Dad. Dad of the mind.

Woo! Woo! Yeah, exactly. People who've never wooed. Just Bill Gates in the back, not able to decide if he's clapping or dancing. And he does a weird sort of side step shuffle and an occasional clap. An occasional quiet flappy clap. They look so heavily med clap. They look so heavily

medicated. They look tranquilized. They look like they've been shuffled on there by a keeper. With a big pole with a stick on. It's so odd. Guys, I encourage you to look up the video. It's haunting. The modern equivalent is Mark Zuckerberg

constantly talking about ribs in his weird garden. That's really great, too. Chilling. Really, really horrible. I've never seen someone so pallid. He lives in California. But then there was that picture of him all... He's always on Facebook, isn't he?

He's always indoors working on Facebook. There's a picture of him slathered in sun cream all on his face. He looks like the Joker. Yeah. So I guess that's why he's so pale He's incredibly interested in keeping himself pale Poor fart Duckerberg Poor old fart Duckerberg

What does he do with his money? Does he really just buy ribs and put them in a smoker? There must be some pretty good ribs Buy an island, you know At least Richard Branson has done the He must have an island Zuckerberg's gotta have an island There's got to be an island

Welcome A secret one To Facebook Island Welcome to Like Island Just the sort of like Jurassic Park style music As they helicopter into an island Shaped like a big thumb up. Big thumbs up emoji.

Yeah, the helipad's on the thumb. Oh, no, no. I guess the mansion would be on the thumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Backing onto a big cliff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. You land on the pinky.

Yeah, the pinky knuckle. To like Ireland. Yeah. He must have an eye. He's worth billions. If you could buy an Ireland, would you buy an Ireland? Or one of those forts that they're selling now. The sea fort.

A sea fort. I might buy a sea fort. I think if you have the gall to become a billionaire these days, the least you should do is buy an island. I think you should give away at least a billion quid. And then, like you need to choose what kind of billionaire you're going to be and you need to embrace it.

You're either going to be Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, giving money away to the point where people are obsessed with how you must be evil. Or, be evil. Richard Branson has gone, I'm Richard Branson, i'm the sort of prick who'd buy an island so i'm gonna do it and i i respect the consistency of that yeah but what makes richard branson all the more sinister is that he's also trying to uh he's also he's also he's also attempting this sort of hippie kind of floppy head everyman

yeah also has an island yeah yeah yeah and so there's an an air of i'm just going back to nature man hey everything's great here on this island why can't the world be like that? Yeah, a bit of sort of weirdly naive. Or he's just really good at marketing, and in private, he's like, takes off his wig, and he looks like Darth Vader when the helmet's pulled off. He's like, why do I want these fools? Let me run the healthcare system.

And he has to put on a big fake teeth smile. His teeth are like proper like crazy fake Ivory teeth Yeah big old chompers Big old fake chomperinos To eat his competitors of course To eat smaller companies If he eats a medium sized CEO He won't need to feed again

For three weeks He needs the island to sit and digest He just sleeps in his island in a nest. In a nest of virgin train ticket stubs. All 200 pounds each. And the nest is, yeah, virgin train ticket stubs that make the wicker basket under one of his fucking hot air balloons. Yeah, I think there's a point where you have to go,

well, either I'm going to be a billionaire and I'm not, and a billionaire should have an island. There are islands for sale off the coast of Scotland. Ooh! You could even have like a kind of spooky, rain-soaked Scottish island. That'd be great, like a Dracula island. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd love a Dracula island. You can go goth. You don't have to go Caribbean every time. You don't have to be the basic bitch of islands. That's right. Darling, would you come back with me to the island? I have

a little retreat. I wonder if you'd be interested in joining me there. You guys want to come back to my place? We're just going to get in a boat and weather these stormy seas and a couple of drinks mike i pay a local pensioner 18 000 pounds a year to to be spooky in charge of the boat that goes to my island he has a big beard because i've asked him to grow one he has a little sailor's hat

and an eye patch that he doesn't need and takes off as soon as we leave. But I won't tell my guests this. I want him to be like, Ah, sir, you're back to the island, then, are you, sir? Ah, good to see you. And then I want him to be, like, obliquely reference stuff to make my guests unnerved. There was another disturbance in the cellar, sir, but I took care of it. Thank you, William.

And our guests go, Sorry, there was a what? And I go, ne'er do you mind, laddie. Ne'er do you mind. Yeah, he's laughing as they walk away from the boat. He's still in the boat. Good to see you, laddie. Good luck.

And he says something and it's taken by the wind. My guests are like, what was he shouting? And I go, oh, don't pay. Just remember, keep your eye out for the... thing and it's taken by the wind my guests are like what was he shouting and i go oh don't just remember keep your eye out for the remember not to feed the yeah what what what did that old man say oh don't play william any mind he's just a local eccentric I've Put to good use It's just me and William on this island usually It's wonderful to have guests

He's not much of a one for talking The long winter nights do drag When it's William and I There we go, it's working out Guys, if you just send enough money In the post to Budpod We can buy Budpod Island. Yes.

Can we do the first Kickstarter for an island? Buy Budpod and Island. Kickstarter. Welcome to Budpod Island. This is our time. It's just a huge, just a big old ass. And you walk through the anus into... That's the port.

Like the Colossus of Rhodes, but just a giant pair of bum cheeks. Ships have to sail in through the asshole. Yeah, those two giant statues in Lord of the Rings, they sail through that canyon. And it's just two people listening to podcasts. Just dwarfed by the statues.

Was the Colossus of Rhodes real? I don't know. Apparently. But I don't think it could have been, could it? My theory is it was real, but It was like three stories high. Exactly. It wasn't tall. It was huge to pathetic people from 2,000 years ago.

People whose houses... Who were impressed by, you know, a chicken. People whose houses are made of mud. Yeah. If your house is made of mud, you're not going to have your head screwed on when you finally do see something made of not mud. You're going to come back and go,

it was a million feet high. When you've owned one cup your entire life you're going to think it's gonna blow your mind an eight an eight foot statue is 20 stories high i used to think that going into cathedrals or even normal churches your house is made oh yeah of mud literally of w and daub, and you come in and there's like golden-coloured, multi-coloured rainbow light coming through glass... You'd be a fucking idiot not to believe God exists. You'd be so sceptical that people would be like,

you're a moron, you're a fucking moron. You'd be a lunatic. Have you seen how high this thing is? There's a bell up there, you know? There are materials and colours in this building that I didn't even know existed look at that color what is that color it's like blue and it's red what is that what is that it's in between you tell me what that is i really miss the days when when just the color purple

meant you were the like you couldn't afford the color purple you were the richest man in the world. You're the richest man in the world. Did you ever read The Colour Purple? We had to read it at school. No, I didn't know it was a book. Oh, it's a book. It's by Alice Walker, who is very sort of... Purple is my favourite colour.

I like it because it makes me feel happy. Basically, that's a lot of the book. Is it really? Yeah, kind of. It was okay. Is that the spark notes? Yeah. Well, she was a very sort of...

I think she's still alive, barely. She's very old now. She was very sort of woke for a while, and you might put the color purple in a similar category to Kill a Mockingbird, in terms of books you make teenagers read to make them a bit more woke and chill about stuff.

But then it turns out Alice Walker is a tremendous anti-Semite. Right, yeah. So you go, okay, the Baptists got to you early on, did they? Who killed Jesus? It's a waterbed effect, man. Yeah, yeah. You squeeze that one bit, it'll come up somewhere else.

Do you think everyone's got some kind of secret bigotry? It's because we love to hate. We love to hate. We love to hate. People will always hate each other. And the purpose of society and civilization is to minimize... And regulate. And regulate the effect of that hate.

Yeah. You can't try and get rid of it completely. You'll never be gone people will lose their minds well if you're trying they will always hate my mouth noises oh yeah nothing you can't be talked into liking my mouth it's true but but i'm happy with the situation it's a workable situation well as am am I because it's about regulation and compromise and if you try and get rid of hate

it's like twitter isn't it anyone who you think does something that means that they might hate then you go well we'll kill them then we're going to kill everyone who tries to make random mobs we have to form some kind of mob to do that I remember once seeing someone say uh um

you know tolerance is not enough we keep we keep we keep saying we should we should practice tolerance what we should practice is celebration and it's like no stick with tolerance because what you're saying is you you't tolerate things. We celebrate things, which means that further down the line, when someone finds something that they don't completely celebrate, then it's apt for destruction. Yeah. You've split the world into things worth celebrating, things worth destroying. Yeah.

It's actually more binary. It's way more dangerous. Tolerance means you don't have to be happy with the situation, but you have to live with it. And that's civilization in a nutshell. Yeah, that's true. If someone goes, but I'm not happy, and they go, we didn't ask you to be fucking happy.

We asked you to stay in your house. Tolerate it. Don't go looking for trouble. Yeah. Celebration. It's people who... celebration it's that it's people who

I think it's their own like thing they're projecting there as in? someone who's like cheer up everyone and everyone's fine you go well it's your sad yeah you're constantly harassing people to be happy and celebrate a lot of times twitter is

someone talking to themselves in front of everyone. Twitter is a guy on the bus. Yeah. But now he's got a phone. Twitter, yeah. Twitter is someone yelling in the mirror but in a crowded bathroom. Yeah.

You fucking idiot. And everyone going, behind them talking about what they're... Yeah. What did he say to the mirror? What was the mirror? Well, I looked in the mirror and I was in there. He's talking to me.

God, it's a nightmare. I was talking with comedian and I guess friend of the pod alex keely um i will um i don't consider him a friend of the pod but you may and i tolerate that oh i was talking with keely and uh uh follow alex keely on on twitter guys he's very funny on twitter very very funny on twitter he's very funny on Twitter. Very, very funny. On Twitter. He's very funny on Twitter. In life, he's a demon. Very funny.

Anyway, me and Alex were discussing how annoying it is when people are like, oh, but, you know, Twitter is just like when there were telegrams. I think this might be a bit of stand-up of Alex's as well, so apologies, and no one think that I'm saying this, I'm quoting him Where he's like, he gets annoyed that people Don't acknowledge how different something like Facebook and Twitter is To

The phone Yeah, or like any historical precedent Well this is just like when they introduced the telegram And he's like, no it's not It's really different, and it's changing everything Yeah, yeah, yeah This isn't like uh calm down people used to freak out at moving pictures and it's like no no uh a guy a 14 year old from devon woke up

and used his phone on youtube too much and it made him go try and become a suicide bomber in a different country civil war yeah yeah because a beam of information fly flew into his mind and warped it yeah from across the world instantly it's different it's more akin to is it's yeah social media is less akin to some great technological advance than it is to a brand new highly addictive drug it's it's more yes it's it's drugs not like moving pictures yeah it's it's it's not the car it's cocaine yeah that's right yeah yeah yeah yeah you have to treat it as a drug so what the answer is not um for everyone to get used to the technology, but it's just regulation, regulation, regulation.

Yes, that's a good point. Yeah, it's not like, well, if we all just take cocaine for long enough, we'll all just get used to everyone being on cocaine. Yeah, it won't feel special anymore. It won't feel special anymore. Everyone will be very loud. They'll be talking very quickly. And then their hearts will explode.

And you'll be going, no, it's chemically designed to feel special every time. Every time feel special. Inside your brain is a rat operating a lever. And the more that that rat is tricked, the more trickable the rat becomes. The rat doesn't learn. It doesn't get bored.

The rat never gets bored. The rat's constantly going, huh, what, huh? Yeah? Whoa! Yeah. I played a game the other day which is like it was to it was to play a sort of a group online game with some friends who have much older computers and worse internet oh so we tried to pick a game that would work for everyone right okay and we picked this like lo-fi yeah 64-bit mmo so it's like massive multiplayer

online oh yeah you've got like a little pixel character yeah but it's really brilliant and detailed but i'm not going to say what its name because i could i've never felt the rat part of my brain being tickled more directly just by the game this game yeah because you're going around and you're like fighting like skeletons in a dungeon to up your magic mana points. Oh, great. You can choose spells. Great! Pick up loot and new swords

and do quests and equip new helmets. It's all got all the gear, like World of Warcraft kind of style. It's fucking scary, man. As I was doing it, I could feel myself going... We played for like an hour or two

and then my friends were like, okay, I'm going to go to bed. And I was so close to going yeah i think i think i'm just gonna stay on uh i nearly got the crystal boots i could feel it there just going yeah maybe maybe maybe this is maybe there's a nice way to relax after a long day dude i i'm i'm worried about getting there with online poker. Yeah. Because the poker app that we use has like... They've taken basic RPG mechanics and put it into real-life money-paying poker. Yeah. And at one point, I had to put in money

because I'd fucking lost everyone. So I had to put in money to be able to play some more. And I got points. Like a green bar at the top went one you're almost at the next level and i'd earned those points by just putting money in it just feeding it i i gained status points by being bad at poker yes and i was like oh then i'm doing well and for a second i my mind just went oh i'm doing well because the green bow and and then i had to slap my fucking self in the face you stupid fucking monkey know what it is this is terrible they gave you that grape because you lost the other grape

the gamification is so powerful oh man the bar goes from like dark red to like almost green like through yellow you know when they do that fade yes yes yes yes i'm almost at green green is full health good red a danger bad green is um leaf green is leaf ready to eat leaf safe hide inside leaves yellow not good green better me make yellow green me pay to make yellow green me doing good work yeah number money just numbers numbers nothing numbers not green color oh oh terrible it's it's terrifying it it like the trouble is that we can't admit that we're not rational without admitting that loads of other stuff doesn't work because like marketing a lot of market economics is based on

the idea that humans are rational and not easily tricked uh-huh whereas uh-huh it turns out you know so then it's kind of like we're pulling at a thread that does lead to places that people would rather it not go like all people going like uh oh we don't need to places that people would rather it not go. Like all people going like, oh, we don't need to ban smoking, people can just decide. No. There's enough rat brain people that we can't just let people have cocaine. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, I mean... At what point is it someone's fault? That's what it is. Right. At what point is it someone's fault that they went and bought ten bottles of vodka and drank some? As in, is it their fault? Is it the excellent vodka company's marketing? Yeah, or is it the fault of the fact that it's available at all?

Is it the fault of the government for not stopping it? Sure, sure, sure. At what point is it the fault of the government for not stopping? At what point is it the fault of the individual? That's like so much of politics and your beliefs. Because the people like Priti Patel are just like, everything is the fault of every individual, and therefore everything is justified. If you didn't want to drown in the sea,

you shouldn't have gotten a boat that I sank. She lives by the fucking Assassin's Creed. Everything is permitted, nothing is forbidden. If you try and lunge at Priti Patel, she'll go, swing, and a big blade will shoot out from her cuff. And then she'll scale Parliament. That's why she's got that smirk, because she knows if anyone comes at her,

she'll just hit and blade them. If you ever try and follow Priti Patel on a crowd, if she sits on a bench, she's gone. Can't find her. Why is the idea of Priti Patel in an Assassin's Creed outfit so funny? It's just a hood. Puts the hood up and climbs. It would suit her, that's the thing. It would suit her.

And she climbs Big Ben. Yeah. There's a big glowing star on the top or whatever uh her smirk yeah she just leaps off buildings and lands safely in boris johnson's hair fully hidden as he walks around well as we said her smirk is the smirk of someone saying did you think love would save you that's very good line of yours it is the smirk of someone right before they use a magic spell to kill the boy kill the boy you think that they would have like smirk training Or something they do pay for PR Yeah

She's obviously unfixable Yeah you think they have a meeting with her and they go A lot of the feedback we're getting is that your entire Thing is your face is evil And you take pleasure From the pain of others and to be fair it does look Like that And it comes across

When you apologize you said i'm sorry if you think you need an apology and then you did the smile it was all bad what we're saying we're really gonna have to build this from the ground up smile as if you've just been given a lovely gift oh god no not like that smile with your eyes not with your fangs imagine the gift isn't someone's head There you go Maybe we're blaming the You know, it's actually the fault of the kind of pictures

People choose in the paper Which is an easy way to trick the public But watching footage of She does even look evil when she's speaking And she's not a good speaker. Yeah. When she had to do that coronavirus briefing, do you remember how badly it went? 300,000, 208,503.

She read it out like Microsoft Sam. 30,000, 200,000. But it's impressive, isn't it? To appear that incompetent and still seem evil. Yeah, yeah, that's very evil. It's very evil if you can be like, well, they're a bumbling fool, and I'm chilled to the core.

That means your evilness is so powerful that even like minus 50 intimidation points from being bumbling, you're still at like full. It's like being terrified of Barney Gumbel. Like the Chuckle Brothers. They're going to come and move all your stuff in your house. Yeah, Barney Gumbel or like old Gil. Yeah.

Chilled to the core by Gil. I guess we've got a few american listeners uh as we as we as we round this off any thoughts on the have you been watching the election what election what's going on i know i know it turns out in new zealand uh they're having an election what i'm absolutely terrified is everyone saying trump's gonna this isn't this is now a matter of how badly Trump is gonna lose. And I just go, this sounds very familiar to a particular point from four years ago.

And it just... And I know people are saying, like, even correcting for how badly we got 2016 wrong, Trump is still going to lose badly. Yeah. And you just kind of go, don't, don't tempt the fates.

They ply their threads with wicked, fickle humour. Please. Yeah, fear of him being re-elected has turned us all into like, the cowardly guy

on Odysseus' ship or like in a fantasy movie. No, do not scorn the orb. Please, Captain, please throw the treasure in the sea. I've been reading quite a lot of Greek mythology recently, which is fucking great. Yeah.

But you always forget just how many disastrous wars and eternal damnations and ruined lives are because someone didn't burn a lamb's leg to one god they forgot yeah one day they literally just forgot why is athena hunting down you and your kin and all your children and their children's children for the end of until the end of time oh i forgot to i to sacrifice a lamb chop after this battle. I was too tired and I forgot to sacrifice some lamb. Oh, that doesn't seem very bad.

Yeah, my whole life is a living nightmare. Yeah, I get chased by a snake person now. But that's the kind of paranoia I treat the people who are comfortable with Trump losing. Yes. This is his kind of whole thing. His whole thing is kind of, yeah, coming across like... Coming across as, frankly, more insane even than Robert Mugabe.

Because Robert Mugabe was a very somber man who said mad things in quite a somber way, whereas Donald Trump was going, hey, what if I start kissing everyone? I could probably kiss you all. Have you seen that? No, I've not seen that. He's been going on about kissing people. Because that's how immune or whatever he is to coronavirus.

And like just... An emperor who's willing to endanger his own bodyguard doesn't tend to do well, you know. Like coughing on the Secret Service and making them drive him around. You see the, is it the Rose Garden video? I don't know where he is, but the one where he talks about Regeneron. Which I laugh every time someone says the name Regeneron. Because it's so silly.

It's like an avatar where the amazing mineral they find is unobtainium that was that was a that was a script uh stand-in that never got edited unobtainium we'll call it unobtainium for now obviously we'll make up a better name and we'll call it regeneron but he starts that video we're going hi you might recognise me it's your favourite president and you just go oh he's just fucking around he's just having a great time he's doing like a

Troy McClure riff it's like when I saw it's like when I saw Adam Sandler's Netflix special and it was brilliant and it's like oh he's been fucking with us

this whole time he knows he's been going in films and making a hundred,000 million trillion. Yeah. And getting his bum out going... We're the idiots.

He's a genius who lives in a castle made of gold. Oh. Yeah, that's how I feel about Donald Trump in that video. It's like, oh, he's just having a whale of a time. It's so freaky, man pence what if donald trump just suddenly goes and just dies um they'll say he was poisoned by fucking bill gates yeah yeah they will yeah they'll say that pizza parlor got to him yeah they'll say that pizza restaurant finally assassinated him with mind rays.

What are your predictions? Let's do... Okay, do... Because if one of us gets this right, we're going to look amazing in a year. Yes, that's true. In one year. Who is president of the United States?

I know my answer. And it's gonna... If it comes true, I'm gonna look like a um a fucking um oracle okay uh in one year yeah biden okay i reckon okay yeah i think i think that's a safe bet my bet is kamala harris is going to be president in one year. You reckon Biden's going to pop his clogs? Biden's going to win, and he's going to pop his clogs. Or get so... Well, actually, I was going to say, dementia will get so bad, people will go,

okay, he has to step down, but that hasn't affected the last four years, so I don't see why it would. Or the Democrats will do that thing where they'll be like, we'll look weak by making our own president step down for dementia, even though the republicans did really well by not doing that that constant thing the democrats always do which is like

well though that would be cheating and then they just get their pants pulled down over and over again because they refuse to play hardball i reckon yeah i mean i was the people saying minnesota looked like a swing state and then the Biden campaign was like we're not going to take away your fracking which is the only jobs any of you fucking have

and they went okay so that kind of seems like stop that's to kind of stop the bleeding like the bleeding of votes in Minnesota

Minnesota is normally like a democratic stronghold but it was looking like a swing state because all the money there outside of you know Minneapolis and Duluth or whatever is like fracking

I saw um apparently I was watching a um a uh comedy slash political show that is leaning more and more into the political yeah um and they showed a video of of um Joe Biden addressing a

letter that had come in, the interviewer saying Jeanette in Mimsbury, Oklahoma says, why won't you let us have Uzis? I've seen this. And Joe Biden goes,

Jeanette, you don't need an Uzi. Buy a shotgun. Buy a shotgun. Buy a shotgun. And then in the studio of this comedy political show, they're like, isn't that fucking crazy? He's telling people to just buy a different gun. And you go, no.

He knows what battles he's picking. Someone with a shotgun is far, far less dangerous than someone with an automatic weapon. He knows he's not. Someone with a shotgun is far, far less dangerous than someone with an automatic weapon. He knows he's not going to get these people to throw away all their guns. He's saying, don't get a mass put away your mass murder gun and get

a less murder gun. And also get a gun that is genuinely like an agricultural tool. Yeah, I mean you can't And that if someone is more than eight feet away you're not going to kill them instantly yeah you're not you're not going to definitely turn them into cheese yeah yeah that's fine i mean the only part of that clip that is ridiculous is how funny it is that someone could keep repeating the phrase buy a shotgun in a reassuring way

bye day just calm down and buy a shotgun that's what made me laugh about it was like look everything's fine buy a gun but yeah for me for me it was incredibly smart i was like really smart this is very smart this is so much smarter than saying you don't need a gun but someone who's convinced they must have a gun but he was saying it as well about his own family. He was saying like, oh, look, me and whatever, Cindy, my wife. They always have like really ridiculous names, American politicians' wives. Barbara, Cindy. Me and whatever, my wife, we live out in the woods, you know, out in the countryside.

And there's a big empty thing and there's no one around. And, you know, my wife, she gets worried as well. And we have a shotgun. And I say to her, when I'm not around, you just go out into the balcony and you fire that thing in the air and anyone who's there will go away that's exactly the way to talk to these people it's all about the home invasion paranoia yeah yeah it's not like uh why can't we have uzis mr biden um because they're hashtag bad like if you're gone uh because they're a tool of the military industrial complex that well I'm going to put £100 on Trump to win the election

Exactly And if you live in the woods you probably do need a gun If I lived in the woods in America I'd want a fucking gun Every other fucking lunatic's got guns There's a point where everyone has guns Do you know how big America is and how few security cameras there are It's not London Where they go

Well we looked for a minute and we found 800 photographs of the terrorist from nine angles did that stop him using his gun no but now we can construct a 3d model of his fucking head it doesn't even stop them it's hard to catch them later to see where you've gone wrong yeah no i think it was really smart. Yeah. Really smart. And good for the shotgun industry, I guess. If I lived in the woods, I'd want a gun. Would you? Yes.

The police aren't coming. Okay. I live at 123 The Woods. To what extent are you locking it up? Because you... I've never... I'm so annoyed with this late into the podcast. We're only just tapping

into your shotgun fantasy. Or whatever your gun prep fantasy is. My love of guns. Is it... Have you seen that amazing bed that has a shotgun compartment in the head of the bed? In the roof, yeah.

You just push into it and it falls into your hand. And then you go... And you're pointing it at the door that's a fucking good idea uh where where's not practically where's yours kept so say you're alone at home and you just hear a voice wait am i in america or am i in the uk? America. Oh, and it's a shotgun. Whatever gun you want. Whatever gun you think is safe to have in your house.

If I am in a situation where it's like a pistol and I'm really worried or whatever, it's like bedside draw. So you'd have a pistol? If I lived in a really dangerous place. Like an alcoholic detective. You've got a pistol in you In my drawer, yeah

And so I'm going I do have a gun I would have a gun safe I wouldn't leave it there all the time Like if I left the house I wouldn't be like Well I'll leave that next to Okay so if you leave the house you put it in the safe Yeah, unloaded

Okay so here's a new scenario You're coming home You go shopping in your bag and then you see uh you see me you don't recognize me as me i'm but you see me just in the grasses there just now you've got to run into your house yeah and you close the door and so i'm okay so i've already run into the house successfully yeah yeah but i'm i'm but you know the walls are not going to hold forever. I'm going to get, and now, and now you've got to remember your password, the safe. Yeah, fine.

Okay. It's, it's, it's, it's like, uh. I'll have gotten you by then, by the way. Yeah. I'm going to come down the chimney. Well, then you're going to get me. Okay. But it's for when I do have it.

Okay. Oh, that's fair enough. It's just that thing of going like, uh, yeah of going like yeah but what if the car hits your car where the seatbelt doesn't help and you go okay well I'm dead then aren't I well I guess I'll die okay

well you heard it here first folks Pierre considers guns the equivalent of seatbelts that's right buy a shotgun everyone buy a shotgun that's what I say yeah lock it up properly in a gun safe interesting but if but like if i still lived in when i was a child in johannesburg would if my dad was away my mom would have a nine millimeter under the pillow really yes and another a 38 magnum like a badass tooth fairy had been yeah

yeah yeah that's a prank you should have replaced it one night with just some money And another, a.38 Magnum in the safe. Like a badass tooth fairy had been. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a prank. You should have replaced it one night with just some money. The gang tooth fairy. And I will say this, listeners. Not under her pillow, so she could go, and shoot herself in the head. Like across the other side of the bed,

like ready for like, get it. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. Well, anyway. Well, good luck with the election any american listeners buy a shotgun and calm down um keep on jacking it keep on jacking it um yeah just with your hands keep the guns away lock your gun away safely in a steel reinforced gun safe that is chained or attached to the floor or walls of your home and then jack it that is our that's our new full uh catchphrase everyone

has to learn it before the next episode okay