BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 86 - Captain BudPod

Episode Date: October 28, 2020

The boys are distanced again! Tier 2 Podcast! They discuss food trends, fancy food and booze gorging excuses, deliberately not feeding the hungry kids, the shoe bomber from 2001, vagisil and Captain Planet. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 86. Is 86 anything? 86. LATY SICK. That's how I would describe the UK at this point. LATY to adopt an effective test and trace system. And as a result, sick. LATY SICK.

We're a bunch of LATY SICKs. We've been rated by the World Health Organization as lately sick. Lately sick. You're 2000 and alive. I'm 2000 and sick. No. No, it has to be the same year. You're 2006.

I'm 3000 and sick. I had a horrible thought the other day, which is, imagine if we get to the first anniversary of the lockdown, and it's still a lockdown. Right. 23rd of March. Yeah, that is surely the... That is the worst- case scenario for the government

as optics wise they have to be like we can't allow an anniversary a lockdown anniversary at the very least I think they'd rather another 40,000 die than we all celebrate we clap on our doorsteps for the one year anniversary

I was thinking yeah you clap for 365 seconds. It would be something like that, wouldn't it? Yeah. Ugh. Listener, that is why Pierre and I are back to our remote recording ways. Yes. So as to satisfy London's tier's tier two restrictions myself the rebel i am i suggested to pierre that we uh do it together very close in a room physically together

but artificially sort of wait for each other as if there's a lag and then and sort of make a point of stumbling over each other yeah to to fool the listener into thinking that we're doing this remotely and ideally i would answer a question of yours slightly before you'd said it yeah yeah and i get you to repeat things again and again. Yes, well, but I'm a stickler for tears. I love tears. The higher the tear, the happier I am. I was trying to think of this the other day. Tears are the only person for whom more tears means less crying. That's what I always say.

More tears, less fears. More tears, less fears. More tears, less fears. When else do you say tear? Cakes? Cakes? I feel like you say three-tier cake. Mm-hmm. But it's otherwise usually something alarming, isn't it?

Yeah, this is a tier one emergency. I feel like, yeah, it's emergencies and Scientology. I don't know what, are these those levels that you get in Scientology? Ooh, maybe it starts out as levels and high up enough you become a tier guy. Are we able to call Tom Cruise the tier jerker? guy.

Are we able to call Tom Cruise the tearjerker? You're a jerk. Do you remember that? When he was punked or pranked on the street at a movie premiere? Oh, yeah. Someone pretended to be a reporter and squirted him, and he went,

you're a jerk. And it was the end of prank shows forever that's how powerful the scientologist lobby is yeah after that prank no one wants to prank show ever again everyone just everyone just kind of went oh yeah they are jerks yeah and and they realized that it wasn't like um it only counts as outwitting someone if you're doing that to someone who famously constantly expects to be squirted with water yeah

then it's outwitting yeah yeah yeah yeah that's right that's right because then you can say we took him completely by surprise well yeah why would why would he be expecting that yeah we we burned his house down

and he was so shocked yeah yeah we we burned his house down and he was so shocked yeah whereas if you say like uh you'll never guess who we squirted dry billy the unsquirtable man you go wow how did you lure him in we finally got the Wicked Witch of the West. She was always tempting fate, arrogantly going out into the world, knowing that she would melt into a palagu if she ever came into contact with water. And we got her, at last. I always have questions about... So with the Wicked Witch, it's water.

And with vampires, of course, it is sunlight. But, does that mean that they, because unless you set up like a dark room, there'll always be a few, you know, photons flying around, right? Yes, okay, okay, yeah. And air has moisture in it, which is

water. Yes, both, okay, yeah. And air has moisture in it, which is water. Yes, both very good points. So was the Wicked Witch always a bit goopy? I guess they both ascribe to the same requirements of, say, a box of crackers. Store in a cool, dry place. That doesn't mean that is like a vacuum or bone dry. And it doesn't mean that little cracks of light won't come in between the cupboard door.

But it's enough. I think that's it, isn't it? It's enough to keep your Dracula box fresh. Yeah. For a little while. Coffin fresh. Maybe it's like poison and they can deal with like little

bits of it but it's when it's too much to overwhelm their system. Maybe they can metabolize it. It's like the coronavirus is all about viral load. So it depends on like solar load for the vampire and hydra load for the wicked witch of the west

yeah and they can both withstand a small load but there's a that's a joke is it futurama where they were there in wizard of oz and the wicked witch of the west dissolves after they throw water on her and and have final words uh and she goes oh what oh, what a world, what a cruel world. Who'd ever thought a small amount of liquid would ever fall on me? Yeah, exactly. Who'd have ever thought? What a world, what a world.

It's a strange final word. I don't know if that had any real poignancy to it, the wicked witch saying, what a world. What right do you have to say that? You're a wicked witch. You're the source of the problems of this world. Why are you saying, what a world, what a world? It's funny, isn't it?

Because it implies that... It'd be like if Bin Laden was going through airport security and he had to get patted down five times. And he's like, oh, what a world. Yeah, you did this this it was because of you why is everyone so tense we have to take our shoes off because of you yeah

what was the name of the shoe bomber something reed the shoe bomber the one in Glasgow no he was American he lit his shoe on fire and it didn't work. Richard Reid. It was Richard Reid. Dickie Reid.

A British terrorist. One of our boys. Lovely. Attempted to detonate a shoe bomb while on American Airlines Flight 63 from Paris to Miami in 2001. Wow. In my head that was quite far after 9-11, but I guess it wasn't. Paris to Miami. What demographic are you targeting there? Americans.

Americans or French people with terrible taste. Oh, wow. It was on the 22nd of December, 01. Oh, that's pretty quick. How funny. How ridiculous is this? On the 22nd of December, 2001, a passenger on Flight 63 from Paris to Miami complained of a smoke smell in the cabin

shortly after a meal service. One flight attendant, Hermie Moutardier, thinking she smelt a burnt match, walked along the aisles of the plane trying to assess the source. A passenger pointed to Reed, who was sitting alone near a window and attempting to light a match.

Moutardier warned him that smoking was not allowed on the airplane and Reed promised to stop a few minutes later a few minutes later Moutardier found Reed leaned over in his seat after she asked him what he was doing Reed grabbed at her

revealing one shoe in his lap a fuse leading into the shoe, and a lit match. Like he's Wile E. Coyote. Exactly, yes. This has got an Acme shoe bomb. With a match and a fuse. Several passengers worked together to subdue

the 6'4", 97 kilogram reed. Big boy. Big boy. Big exploding shoe boy. Big shoes. Big feet, I'm sure. Yes. All the more space for dynamite. All the better to light with this match.

They restrained him using plastic handcuffs Seatbelt extensions Leather waistbelts and headphone cords Good lord A doctor on board Administered a tranquilizer to him Which he found in the emergency medical kit And the flight diverted to Logan International

Wowee Holy shit imagine that Like attacking someone with a tranquilizer Needle Like you have to get him stable enough. Just the idea of that writhing, wriggling, like, fighting body and trying to get, like, a needle. When I get a needle blood in me, I'm scared already that it's going to snap off in my arm. From, like, if I just jerk it a little bit.

Imagine thrashing about, trying to throw off a stewardess and eight other passengers or something. And a bunch of those thick black headphone cords around your fucking legs. Yes. The explosive apparently didn't detonate due to the delay in the takeoff of the flight. The rainy weather, along with his sweaty foot, caused the fuse to be too damp. Hey, that's lucky. Good lord. I don't know how much damage i would have done i don't know how much explosive there was in there yeah i mean the thing is you only need enough to

essentially blow out the window and the entire thing will disintegrate due to the force involved because if you're at full speed right i get i mean if you're if you're i guess it'd be easier once you're airborne because there's already so much so high a pressure gradient between the inside and the outside of the cabin yeah these guys are doing it at 33,000 feet for sure right

yeah yeah yeah man oh man anyway there's really current stuff from us yeah I think I think to be fair not a lot of podcasts around in 2001. Probably none. That is true. Actually, come to think of it, there's a whole bunch of years I've gone un-podcasted about.

It's true. We should cover the end of World War II. Hey, that's a fun idea for a podcast, like a topical two guys podcast, but set at different times in history. Listen to that. Another great idea. We're the ideas factory.

We really, really are. Patent pending, by the way. Patent pending. Patent pending. Yeah. If you take it, we're going to come to where you live and cough on you. Correct.

Yeah. So you watch out. Because I feel under the weather myself right now. But you should be... You've had it. I've had it, yeah. And it's very rare to get it twice. And I don't really go anywhere or do anything.

So I probably just feel crappy. Because it's that time of year, I think. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I'm currently going through a bit of a scare. I'm worried that I have it. And the second a molecule of concern enters your mind, then every little thing becomes potential COVID. You're like, oh, my hair's feeling a bit dry today.

Oh, no. Is that one of the... And like the smallest little sniffles are, oh, God, this is it. Or like just like a hangover. Yeah, yeah. A hangover pang is like, oh, no. I know I had eight double whiskeys last night in one swallow,

but maybe this is something else. You start looking way too closely into veins on your eyes in the mirror. Was that one the yesterday? That one sure seems redder than the other red ones. Yeah. Well, I mean, one of the most famous episodes of this podcast was inspired by your... What do they call it?

Hypochondria? Yeah. Yeah, the poo pod. Yeah. I thought there was something wrong with my belly. Yeah, you thought you had something wrong with your belly, so you ended up having to, like, kidnap your own turds and torture them. Yeah, I had to, like... As they came out, I threw a hood over them.

I then extraordinary renditioned them. In my toilet, just like, Give me names! Cancer do no cancer you put them into a toilet that was technically on egyptian territory yeah so the legal system was so different you could as they came out put a hood on them whoa whoa what's going on you know what's going on Yeah, as they came out, put a hood on them. Whoa, whoa! What's going on? You know what's going on.

It's funny. If you... No, I was about to ask you, what item of clothing would you make explode? But let's not get this podcast put on a watch list shall we yeah i i i couldn't i couldn't possibly say i love the idea of this podcast being played to one of us as we try and get through lax sir is this you making these amusing remarks about the exploding clothing are you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party remarks about the exploding clothing?

Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? Does the slogan, Keep Jacking It, refer to hijacking planes? Imagine if that's what we meant this whole time. Yeah, it was code. By Keep Jacking It. I would love it if this podcast developed its own utterly insane QAnon level conspiracy it would be good PR

yeah well we've already said the conspiracy is that Bud Pod's scripted yes yes yes yes it actually has 11 or 12 writers at any one time yeah like the moon landings Yes, yes, yes. It actually has 11 or 12 writers at any one time. Yeah. Yeah, like the moon landings. Yes.

Yes, exactly. And Kubrick isn't dead and is also only directing this. Yeah, he produces a podcast. Yeah, he directed the first 50 and then he stepped back Um To allow Spielberg some room Hmm Um What have you been up to

How are you doing I'm alright I uh I have gotten Lockdown And this whole goddamn scenario has been going on for so long that I've got in shape, out of shape, in shape, and now out of shape again.

Yeah, yeah, this is it. This is why at the beginning everyone was like, this is a perfect opportunity to finally get fit. My instant reaction was, why then get unfit again? Why not just wait until it's like, okay, maybe there's two more months in this and then do it because you're putting in all this effort for for who for no one

yeah well this is it um so i've had like the pizza despair has put me you know it's like it's getting colder as well and what's the pizza despair the pizza pizza despair. Is this when you have too much pizza? It's partially that. And you have a hangover. It's partially that. It's more like, especially during lockdown, where it's like, well, what is my pleasure now? What is your pleasure?

Whoa, please, come in. Tell me, Pierre, what is your pleasure? Welcome to Casa de Wang. Now tell mere what is your pleasure welcome to casa de wang now tell me what is your pleasure today what is it welcome and mr wang tell me good luck good luck canceling me there because there's no way of knowing what accent that could possibly have been exactly and it wasn't even an accent. It was a goblin. That's right. That's right. And actually, for goblin speech

it's perfect and normal. What's wrong with it anyway? That's actually the accent of the upper classes of the goblin world. What do you think about that? What is your pleasure? Yes. So in lockdown, what are one's pleasures? You know, you can't really go out.

You can't do big parties or festivals or even just go to the pub. You can't really go to the movies properly. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You shouldn't, it turns out, sit and drink pint after pint of whiskey on your own in your house. For most of it, you couldn't go to the gym. So the one thing that's left is our old friend, food. May I recommend combining our old friend, food, with our slightly newer, but at this point, Pierre, between you and me, getting old friend, alcohol? Well, that's another part of the old pleasure there

uh yes absolutely and so what you end up doing is sort of going everything is crap um and i can't really do anything and so it would just be nice to have a fancy old a fancy old pizza and some of that old uh some of that old booze, old-time booze. I've been really spoiling myself with the booze. I've joined like a wine cooperative, like the UK's oldest wine cooperative. Are you in a guild? Are you in a guild, Phil?

It's basically a wine shop, but because you buy a membership and you get a share um it feels like you're part of something but they're really good i'm not going to say their name now because i want them to pay me um maybe at some point in the future nice but uh but i just ordered from them this um they've been advertising their own uh whiskey because they've been around for so long they put aside they they like make their own sherry but they in like the 80s they put aside their cuss sent them to a distillery in scotland to get filled with um a single malt whiskey just for them and now they've just matured and they're just selling them and i bought myself one so i bought myself a bottle of highland single malt from 1989

so i i don't even i'm not even a whiskey guy anymore but i was like maybe i'm a whiskey guy it's been so long maybe i'm a fucking whiskey guy now but it's just an excuse to get pissed I just buy myself things that are fancy and I go well this is the equivalent of reading a book but it isn't it's just more expensive booze I like that um as time goes on uh Phil you find yourself doing more and more things that are essentially just dialogue from Frasier. It really is. I mean, the last time you all came around for dinner, Pierre, with a couple

of our pals, it was for the specific reason that I'd bought a bottle of sherry that I wanted everyone to try. Yes, and it was worth trying, but it did make me feel very much like... And also because pretty much everyone there, we all work in the arts, or did when there were arts,

so it did feel like the sort of gathering that would have been dreamed up by a Daily Mail columnist. It sort of... It would have made certain Daily Mail types really furious. Bridge BBC comedians conspire against working families sipping premium sherry. It would always be... They always use those fucking infuriating,

crappy journalism words. So it would be, Oxbridge loveys guzzle sherry as they tweet about hungry children without giving them the sherry. It would just be some baffling sequence of cut-and-paste descriptions like that. But it was very enjoyable.

But you're right. You get something fancy enough like that. I use the same justification for when I order my fancy-ass pizzas. Right, yes, yes, yes. I'm not being a glutton. Right, yes, yes, yes I'm not being a glutton I just want to know

what this particular variant of Ndugja sausage tastes like It's to expand my knowledge I might write about sausage one day I'm not some piece of shit just eating a takeaway pizza This pizza has got friarelli on it

What's friarelli? Fri What do you mean, friarelli? Friarelli is a... Am I saying that right? Let me look it up. Is it a cheese or a leaf? Those are the only two foods I'm aware of. It's a type of broccoli, but it's not broccoli. It's also known as rapini.

Right, like florets. It's also known as rapini. It's more like a leaf leaf but a sturdy old leaf rapini or friarelli down in naples apparently so you know what's funny is that from time to time places around the world like cool cities around the world a vegetable becomes cool where and a vegetable that's completely normal everywhere else i when I was in Melbourne like two years ago, everyone was banging on about broccolini. Oh, it's the best.

Ooh, do they have broccolini? Oh, you've got to get applied to broccolini. And I got some broccolini. And it was just tender stem broccoli. It was just tender stem broccoli. And I was like, you know you can buy this from the supermarket? The funniest to me, and I've only heard this from friends who have been there because I've never been. But in LA, Brussels sprouts, as in Brussels sprouts, as in our a joke and vicar of Dibley Brussels sprouts.

And the Beano. The cool new vegetable in LA. I beg your pardon. Yeah, they grill Brussels sprouts and they're the hippest thing they've ever seen. Aren't human beings fucking pathetic? Is everyone in LA farting now? Is that what the pollution is?

Even more forest fires and smog in LA Caused today by the farting I mean I knew the table types were Full of hot air but I had no idea Do you write for a late night topical show? No Too high brown Yeah exactly

But you can justify anything with fanciness. And I do like that fashion thing. Broccolini. And let me guess, it was with chili and almonds. Yes, how do you know? Because that's what it is everywhere. Thin sliced almonds. Thin sliced almonds.

And a bit of chili. Bit of chili, bit of olive oil. You get that in bloody ZZs these days, mate. It's true. That's what i found very funny about when i was in adelaide and i hadn't realized that the adelaide festival was 90 burlesque and jugglers and only like four percent stand-up yeah i've not been by by the sounds of it, it is like 3% stand-up comedians and 97% Moulin Rouge cosplay. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And all the posters are just of like, with a few exceptions, basically the same woman in a corset. Just sort of going, ooh. And then like a juggler in the background with a waxed moustache. And you're like, really? Is this not the same show? And they go, no, that's Cirque du Blabla. They're so into it. It's so weird because it's such like a biker town.

So it's like, okay, fine, fine. And I was talking to one of these people who I knew was involved in a Bolesk show, Phil, because they had a bowler hat with goggles on. A bowler hat at first sounded like something very different. It sounded horrible to me. They had an a bowler hat. They had an a bowler hat.

That is death-defying. Now, that I'd watched. I would watch that. So they had a little bowler hat with goggles on, so I knew they were involved. Oh, no. Yeah. And I was chatting to this lady

while she was flyering near me, and I was talking about the phenomenon that is apparently it's an Adelaide phenomenon, which is that people just don't show up to stuff. They buy tickets, but they don't show up. And they don't buy tickets in advance to the point where even in the 50s and 60s, big touring artists would just cancel their Adelaide shows

because they go, well, they're not selling. And everyone in Adelaide would go, no, we were going to come. Huh. Adelaide shows because they go, well, they're not selling. And everyone in Adelaide would go, no, we were going to come. Huh. Adelaide. Yeah. Adelaide. Well, exactly.

That's right. And so we were discussing this phenomenon and she said, yeah, the other problem is, you know, people in Adelaide, they've seen it all, you know, they've seen it all because it all comes here, you know, whatever it is in the world, it'll end up here eventually. And they've seen it all. London, Paris, Adelaide. And I was like so close to saying, oh, come on. I was so close to saying, you have three buildings that are taller than four stories high.

What the fuck are you talking about? taller than four stories high what the fuck are you talking about a touring production of the mousetrap coming here once every seven years is not the same as being paris or london i'll take your word for it because i've uh i i've ironically not seen it all including the city of adelaide well this is it yeah. And if you like burlesque, you'll have over a thousand options if you go to the Adelaide Festival at any given point. And if you try to fly members of the public, they will respond aggressively. Well, at least you're literally unable to do that this year.

Yes, I can't even. One saving kindness. Yeah. Yeah, even if I wanted to. It's true. But yes, fanciness. Fanciness can be used to justify any amount of gluttony. Speaking of gluttony or the opposite of gluttony,

depending on how you look at it, have you been enjoying the government's baffling refusal to feed hungry children in the UK? A footballer is your main source of trouble. Like, you're being defeated by a... Like, someone's defeating you part-time. Yes, yeah. Someone's making you look like a fucking idiot part-time. It's not like you're being defeated by someone who's part-time because the rest of the time they're a world-leading academic and head of a charity and some kind of genius genius who invented it's like a kicking guy this kicking guy is better at your job than you are this young

kicking guy can can see what to do better than you can what really um gives me the giggles is the idea because marcus um rush that's his name isn't it mar Marcus Rashford? I just had a blank there he's got an MBE for his previous successful attempt to get the government to feed their own children the children that they're supposed to look after because it's in their country

he got an MBE from the Queen and it's not the first time this has happened to someone that the queen has gone well done here is an award for defeating my government it's like this weird fantasy land

where the queen puts up a government as a challenge to people to overcome and then if you do you get a prize for outwitting her her government like the queen the queen throws back her hood and says you're right it was unfair i've been waiting for someone like you

it's such a funny thing to watch not just the queen reward someone for repeatedly defeating what is technically her government but also just to watch any government like be given a really stark choice between a terrible decision in bad pr and an obvious decision in good pr and just to go, hmm and really confidently shoot themselves in the dick and balls and not just like one bullet into one foot, it's just like their fastest hands

in the west, you know when when like a really quick shooter, yeah one hand is on the hammer, so the revolver becomes like an automatic weapon and they're just doing six rounds into their foot just not just like that yeah they're doing um that thing from westerns where they face each other in the high street but it's just themselves it's just them on their own looking at their own foot just yeah it's it it's amazing because mean, you and I are from, you and I are originally from countries that, you know, have a lot of problems with poverty and have, you know, the equivalent of whatever you might call them, slums, townships, favelas, whatever.

And the idea that a country as rich as the UK can't just spaff out a bit of money for sandwiches every now and then is incredible to me. It is the poorest feeling rich country in the world, surely. I mean, maybe America gives it a run for its money, pun in the pun. I think America does because of how many people seem to eat out of bins there. Yeah, I think America is, by quite quite some leagues the poorest rich country in the world yeah um because the last time you and i were in america feel like a fucking poor rich country oh the uk feels like the poorest rich country in the world probably apart from america i'd say

yeah i think that's probably right which which makes sense because we're kind of the america of europe yes, yes. But I mean, yeah, like the last time you and I were in America, just watching like quite young, fairly well-dressed people root around in bins for the ends of Subway sandwiches was pretty fucking disturbing. But yeah, just the idea that you would live in the sixth richest country in the world and you'd be like, well, of course we could bail out a bank. But when are those kids going to repay the sandwich money? Later on in their working lives? Don't think so. It's such an obvious investment and this is the

well, I mean the fundamental problem here is the differences between long term investment and short term investment. You know people say oh but the government could pay for the eat out to help out scheme. It's like well yeah because the returns for that will most likely be seen within this government's time in parliament whereas the return for a generation of healthy uh welfare children that economic return is not

for another two decades by which time who knows what what government is in and so you know from the government's perspective it's it's you know, from the government's perspective, it's, you know, it's less of a good return from an investment point of view. Yeah. Which is an argument for fucking, like, totalitarian China-style governments. Because they can go,

this is only going to pay off in 40 years, and who's going to be in charge? Me. So I'll do it. Yeah. I'm going to still be in charge and i can't wait for your thank you letters it's funny i mean it makes you think that like not that they're because i mean the whole point of the house of lords was to have that kind of long-term entrenched view um and then they snipped its bollocks off but then they didn't replace it with anything so you sort of go well don't just have a kind of zombie a really big expensive zombie where everyone has to have a cape

and a crown I mean it's ridiculous wait and what what was in place before that that provided this long term view the lords was much more powerful Tony Blair is the one who almost reformed it out of existence but couldn't quite get the final bullet

into the head. Because the Lords can't even block legislation anymore. If it comes back three times, the Lords just have to say yes to it. Right, okay. Yeah. And it's not like the Senate in America where the Senate can, like, legislation

can start in the Senate and then go down to the house of representatives to Congress. It's just sat there costing money with everyone sort of slowly aging and farting and everyone sort of goes, no, but sometimes the Lords are doctors and you go, uh-huh. Maybe just elect a doctor then. Sometimes the Lords are Alan Sugar. Who cares? It's, it's very silly but yeah

the idea like never mind okay even the investment thing for 20 years aside the fact that the government would go i think during this unprecedented world war ii level crisis and brexit which is another unprecedented world war ii level crisis i think we shouldn't feed the children i think that would be a real vote winner and not only should we not feed them we should not feed them using the existing system that we're being asked to use which is non-cash based it's vouchers and goes directly through schools as opposed to costing more money through middlemen or councils. Amazing. And then you've got all these daily mail types going like,

but they'll try and trade the voucher for a bad lasagna for a load of heroin. And you think, do you know how cheap lasagna is and how much drugs cost? I don't know if you've got the numbers right here. What kind of drug dealer takes vouchers? Yeah. It's just bad economics it's um and it's it's just a real delicious feature of our times that the party that was supposed to be it's cruel but at least it's economically competent is also economically incompetent as well as being cruel and whereas the labor party at least at the

last election used to used to go our labor is incompetent but at least. So both parties have gained the failures of the other and not fixed their own original failures. Yeah, and it's something weird about the mindset of a certain type of person where they sort of go, but some of it will go to waste or will go to a scrounger. And you sort of want to say to them, like, there's going to be waste at a certain, like one or 2% of waste

or theft is like, you have to account for that. That's just, just grow up and take it into account. It's like, if you were hosting a dinner party and you provided all the wine, you wouldn't just go around saying, oh, 1% of guests don't quite finish their glass before they get another glass.

Thank you for using an analogy that I can understand. Yes, yes, sorry. I naturally pivot to wine-based analogies for whenever I'm speaking to you now. But it's that kind of like miserly, pointless, it's like you need to accept waste as an inherent part of anything. Like you waste energy through heat with a light bulb. Get over it.

If that's a problem, design a better system. Don't stop having light bulbs. I just feel this miserliness is for the benefit of some imagined British miser. I think it's for the backbenchers. I think it's for those people with red faces who sort of go, well, the parents should be ashamed. And you go, okay, so the kids get punished for their parents.

It's cruelty. I think it is just genuinely like they feel like they have earned the cruelty and therefore it must be dished out or they'll never learn. As if poverty isn't its own lesson in the fact that poverty is bad.

It's not like there's... There are very few people sat there having an absolute wail of a time until you point out to them that they're not. And they go, aren't I? It's very strange. And it's tied up with this country's obsession with class and all the rest

of it i mean i mean they're gonna have to buckle sooner or later aren't they yeah they're gonna kind of like demi buckle and they'll do it all through councils or they'll say oh no we'll do this or whatever or that because they i don't think they can buckle to a footballer twice directly and they're already doing like the council workarounds and stuff that's right and saying councils should do it but then even tory councils are going well you haven't given us any more money so no we can't you're not giving us money yeah so yeah fuck knows but i mean i mean yeah just another amazing just another amazing day in one of the richest countries on earth it's really a testament to the British commitment

to having a dreadful time even though it has everything at hand to have a nice time we just love to have a dreadful time how much did we jizz away on that type of satellite program to try and replace the EU one that we were losing and then it was the wrong type of satellite? It was like billions.

Or the test and trace that they somehow spent 12 billion on. I don't know, how do you even spend 12 billion pounds on something like that? That is real Silicon Valley failed app money, isn't it? Yeah, it's like the fucking, the quibby of medical institutions test and trace how did you how did you how did you waste more money than quibby it's so funny yeah how did you quibby the pandemic how did you quibby something that had unprecedented demand. I've just looked up how much... The UK spent £400 million

on a failed satellite project as part of OneWeb, which went bankrupt in March. So that's to replace the EU satellite system that we used to have. The Galileo, yeah. So we have our own sat-nav. OneWeb.

Galileo sounds so cool. And OneWeb sounds like a cryptocurrency scam one web disgusting that sounds like oh if my dad if my dad said philip i i signed up with somebody called one web i'd be like dad don't don't money! Dad! Please, you have to be more careful about this sort of thing. Message me before you sign up to anything. Yeah, OneWeb is the kind of thing you'd hand right onto a name tag

before going around pensioners' houses. I hear from OneWeb, I have to look at your bank cards oh alright then it's like vaginal products that have vaggie in them it's like

we know what this is for you don't it's more it's more suspicious that you've got Vaggie in it than if it was just called Nice-a-feel or something. Why have you got Vaggie-clean? Why is it called Vaggie-clean?

I know I'm trying to buy this with some element of dignity. You don't have to call it Vaggie-clean. You don't have to call it Vagiclean. Would any man be willing to publicly buy a product called Scrotolux? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like thrush cream is called Peanaton. It's not called um helm at all

oh fucking hell yeah it's it's such a funny i remember finding that really funny as a kid uh just the idea that the tv was bellowing the word Vagisil at me. When I was like 12, I just thought that was such a funny, like you say, it's really in your face. The other one was, I always was amused at the adverts for so much medicine to do with trapped wind. It was always a sort of- Yogurts. Yeah. Or even just pills or whatever.

Assists with trapped wind. I was like, I wish someone would trap my wind. You know what? One of the worst feelings I've ever had was trapped wind, but it's only ever happened once in my life, and it was after some food poisoning. The first stages were just... Just, like, vomiting and shitting,

and, like, I have to do the old swap around yeah there's actually a Chinese phrase which is which literally means up vomit down poo and and that

I was doing it I looked like the guy in the textbook they actually did the drawing in the textbook of a guy sitting on the toilet and vomiting out of his mouth and that was me

but the next stage was just a slow and endless inflation. I could feel myself just getting bigger and bigger and bigger. My belly's going... It's because you stole some of Willy Wonka's chewing gum. I really felt like I'd been a nuisance at his factory. And I couldn't get it out. I was squeezing my belly, trying to squeeze it out like a bagpipe. I was going like...

Was it like when you're trying to deflate a camping mattress, like an inflatable mattress? Yeah, but it's still plugged up and you haven't noticed that's that was a feeling to me i could not get it out it was the most horrible feeling until eventually i started burping and i didn't know burps could feel like coming but they can if you've been inflated for 12 hours it was the most delectable burps of my life. But that was the worst feeling of all, was the bloatedness. It was torturous.

It was so, so horrible. I felt like I was my elastic limit. My skin, my stomach was just reaching. It was going to burst. It was horrible. What does that? What did you not fire out of you that stayed behind to do a Zeppelin project?

I don't know. It was just... I don't know. It your body like trying to protect the tribe from my diarrhea so it seals up my anus i don't know what was going on just seals my anus up like agent smith in the matrix and i'm just trying to open it like it's making making all your farts bubble back up through you Like some kind of awful bong Yeah Well, maybe, you know, Phil

If you'd taken some burpaloid You would have been fine I should have taken burpaloid Burpales I should have taken some buraloid. Burpalesse. I should have taken some Burpalesse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take... Yeah, but I mean, when I was a kid,

the idea of wind being trapped, I was like, what do you mean trapped? Like, is there a little bag somewhere? You know, I just didn't get it. And to be fair, I still don't. So there. Also, wind. Just say gas.

Wind. My father used to say break wind which makes it sound like a Greek god or something I've broken the wind it's so grand yeah break wind

I'm full of wind no you're not, you're full of gas I'm full of the elements. I am imbued with the power of wind. All right, Captain Planet, calm down. Yeah, if you have diarrhea, you don't say you're full of earth and water. Did you watch Captain Planet when you were a kid? You bet your sweet tits I did.

I loved Captain Planet. Captain Planet! Every single outro was about recycling. But I'd still watch through the credits and be like, I wonder what the extra bit at the end will be about. Oh, it was about recycling but I'd still watch the credits because I'd be like I wonder what the extra bit at the end will be about oh it's about recycling and then I'll watch the next episode

oh I wonder what this episode's coda will be oh yeah it's about recycling oh yeah it's about recycling I should have known that already but I loved Captain Planet I thought it was great I had a Captain Planet duvet I think wow alright Greta Thunberg Loved Captain Planet. I thought it was great. I had a Captain Planet duvet, I think.

Wow! All right, Greta Thunberg. That's all it took in the 90s. The standards were lower. Yeah, it was a fun little cartoon. In the 90s, they just thought, well, we'll make a sort of cartoon that's the same colour as the Earth, but he's going to have Speedos and a dick bulge.

Yeah. Did we ever settle on what Captain Planet was made of? Was he like an elemental being that he could still fuck, like Dr. Manhattan? I like the idea of Captain Planet getting so sick of the slow progress on climate change that he also just moves to Mars. Like Dr. Manhattan.

Have you seen the Watchmen series? I haven't seen the series yet. Apparently it's brilliant. It's so good. Captain Planet and the Planeteers. Yes, of course. Okay, let's see. What's his deal? Okay. Are you looking up Captain Planet

The person The man behind the planet He used to be Lieutenant Planet but he got promoted Okay here we go Captain Planet Ah yes that's true Gaia was voiced by Whoopi Goldberg

For the first two years. What a cast. Yeah. In situations that the Planeteers cannot resolve alone, they combine their powers to summon the titular Captain Planet, who is... Okay, so here we are. This is it defined.

Okay, this is interesting. It's a bit of a cult. Actually, in retrospect, it was a bit of a cult. Yeah, it was a bit weird. The titular Captain Planet, who is, and I quote, Phil, a holographic superhero android. What? I didn't know that.

I didn't notice that. That possesses all of their powers magnified. Once his work is done, Captain Planet returns to the planet and leaves viewers with the message, the power is yours. Except it isn't, because occasionally you have to call in a holographic android superhuman.

Typically, Captain Planet only manifests to deal with the bigger crises and then departs, but a few storylines have explored him existing beyond these moments, such as when he was summoned while Kwame and Marty were in space, with the result that the energy from their rings that created Planet could not return to its source, resulting in Planet being forced to operate on a human level, such as requiring a crowbar and handcuff keys to rescue the team.

I was getting confused there about what planet they were talking about and then realised they were referring to Captain Planet as if he's an MP, calling him just Planet. Listen here, Planet. To be fair, think of all the time you save in each episode not having to pretend that your superhero spends the rest of the time fucking about as a journalist or a photographer yeah right it sells a lot it saves a lot of time to not have to have a green and blue man sort of going oh yes uh right away mrely, or whatever the fuck. I think it would have been a really interesting choice

if he was CEO of Shell in the day. He was a CEO of Shell, and then when he was called, he became Captain Planet. He's like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde kind of thing. Yes, yeah, exactly. He's sort of undoing Jekyll and Mr. Hyde kind of thing. Yes, yeah, exactly. He's sort of undoing all of his terrible things in the day, and the little kids don't know that that's him. They think he's their enemy.

That's right, that's right. That's the heartbreak at the heart of it. Yeah, that's quite good. That's another good idea. It's another good idea because it's about how it's all this self-inflicting damage that we need both sides, and we're trying to balance the scales here. we would want to lose the benefits of industrialization and progress but we also don't want to destroy the planet and captain planet himself is torn between these these

two two drives you know he wants he wants to save the planet from eternal destruction, but he also wants to see some returns on this quarter. That would have been an interesting kids' show. I would have liked it if the final episode of Captain Planet was just Captain Planet summoning himself and going, you haven't done enough. There's only one solution left. And it was just like Noah- style flooded the earth and just killed everyone like Captain Planet

pops up and just points out that nature could have wiped out humanity at any point I would have enjoyed a storyline where Kwame and the other planeteers sort of get together to try and buy planet out of his shares i don't know where they would have got the money from captain planet gets assassinated by

a rogue saudi prince i mean that would be pretty on the nose, actually, for a Saudi prince to murder the embodiment of the planet's health in the 90s. I think it would have been a bit on the nose. Yeah, I think so. Do you want to hear a list of the villains that he fights against? Oh, yes, please. Okay, so we've got some good names here. They're called the eco-villains.

There's one Styrofoam. Because I don't know what to do with that stuff. One is just old fridges. So there's a character who's a sort of pig-like thing called Hoggish Greedly. Hoggish Greedly. Hoggish Greedly. Hoggish Greedly. That's like a Dickensian character name. It's good.

Hoggish Greedly's good. I like that. Hoggish Greedly. Which, yeah, is very nice. I wonder what his character traits are. God, I sure hope we can trust Hoggish Greedly with our money And my slop that I've brought into work Yes, and all these apples

Yeah, I've labelled my slop with my name put in the fridge I hope everyone respects that, Especially Hoggish Greedly Very personal to me The slop Another day working at the pension fund Responsible for all these pensions Of course Hoggish Greedly Is the new CEO

Hopefully we'll get these old people their money So here's another one Verminous Scum. Wow! That's a bit harsh. Verminous Scum. Goodness me. Yeah, what a name. And do you know

who voiced Verminous Scum from 1990 to 1991? That's like something you'd hear shouted by the keynote speaker at the Durham Miners' Gala. And these Vermminous scum you know what i mean ironically it's the kind of thing they'd say and the kind of thing jacob reese mogg would say yeah yeah yeah it's a good phrase and what is Is verminous scum like a rat or something? Yeah, he's like a grobbly rat man. And apparently scum can control rats and has his own personal helicopter called the Scum-o-copter.

That's pretty good. Pretty good. And I bet he uses fossil fuels to power the Scum-o-copter. Who do you think did the voice in 1990? Oh, verminous scumum it's quite the name christopher walken no but you're thinking along the right kind of legendary voice lines um um um robert de niro no um what's his name he looks like he looks like a rat man um hello fellow kids that, what's his name? Oh, God, yeah.

Well, I can tell that's not right. Sean Penn. Jeff Goldblum. Wow. Is there anything that man can't do or hasn't done? Exactly. Dr. Blight. That's a good one.

That's good. I like Dr. Blight. Is that a person, that one? Yes. Dr. Blight. That's a good one. That's good. I like Dr. Blight. Is that a person, that one? Yes. Dr. Blight is a mad scientist. The left half of her face is horribly scarred, which is usually hidden by her hair. She represents the dangers of uncontrolled technology and unethical science, which seems a bit... Abstract. ethical science which seems a bit um abstract it seems a bit abstract and also it it means it makes me worry that captain planet was a bit more on the hippie anti-genetic modification of crops

side of things bit anti-progress captain planet yeah it's anti-progress captain planet he has all sorts of theories about tomatoes and fluoride yeah yeah there is a it it's it's not a zero-sum game planet there's a balancing act yeah captain planet is anti-lockdown remember not to wear any masks the power is yours and he flies away coughing So Dr. Blight Now if I was the only human On the side of otherwise A pig and a rat I'd have questions about whether or not I was on the winning side You know what I mean?

Especially if I have a doctorate presumably Yes I'm not stupid Yeah if someone said to you We really admire your stance on various scientific points We'd like you to be part of a panel. Excellent. Who else is on the panel?

Oh, Hoggish Greedly and Verminous Scum, if the Scum-o-Copter can make it. You'd say, sorry, could I? Who's paying for this conference? I'm also really enjoying the idea of Vermminous scum having to get his helicopter's pilot license so can i uh can i ask why you've taken an interest in uh in flying uh yourself was it uh how often it's uh it's a sort of a bit of a goofy uh anniversary or christmas gift or voucher or something no it's's for something else Oh well It was a private business, well I'd rather not say

And it's covered in rats Now before you go And Fire missiles at the Amazon Rainforest, you do need To register your 60 hours Of training With a licensed pilot Mr Scum need to register your 60 hours of training

with a licensed pilot, Mr. Scum. And I can see here that you haven't quite got there yet, so I'm afraid the trip to Brazil is going to have to wait. And even once you've registered the hours, it says here you haven't

done an unpowered landing three times in varied conditions you've done the first two that's fine but um you still need to do an unpowered landing in a heavy cloud it looks like um but there hasn't been heavy i know i know you're not the only one believe me I have this conversation. You wouldn't believe how many times a day Mr. Scum, that I have to have this conversation. Luton Plunder.

That's another character. Luton? Luton! Yeah, but spelt with two O's, unfortunately, so it can't be the town. Okay, not voiced by Tommy Robinson then That would be a much better fake name for him than Tommy Robinson Luton Plunder Luton Plunder

He's like an evil poacher it looks like Okay, so he's a human as well Yeah, and he's got a nephew called Robin Plunder. Great. Great. So these are so right. By the sounds of it, Captain Planet is also an

anti-imperialist. Yes, it sounds like Captain Planet is broadly... He's a fucking hippie. Yeah, he's a big fucking hippie. There are also two evil lumberjacks called the Pinehead Brothers. That's niche. The Pinehead Brothers?

Why is that niche? Oh, like Pinhead Brothers. Yeah, I guess. It's also funny that, like, I guess you have to represent the timber industry as lumberjacks. It's too abstract to represent them as just a Brazilian hedge fund.

Yeah. Oh my god, Martin Sheen voiced some of the characters for two years. Sly Sludge. Wow. An unscrupulous bin man. How did they get these names? This is incredible. Do you think that's how powerful and fashionable the eco-lobby was in 1990?

Sting did the voice of someone called Zahm. Zahm. And then he was replaced by Malcolm McDowell. Really? What the fuck? What the fuck? Whoever made Captain Planet has got photographs from Jeffrey Epstein's island. I swear to God.

Yeah. How else could you possibly... Oh my God. Wow. Oh, we haven't... We still haven't even... We haven't even had time to discuss the Sky TV's Nazi wood chopping show.

Oh gosh. I'll have to wait till next time. We'll do something next time. Yeah. Gosh, that would have been fun um we'll save it for next time I think Nazis will still be around next time pretty sure they will be but that's all the time we have this week folks

um thank you for listening uh I hope you all are doing okay yep and remember the power to keep jacking it is yours it is yours. It is yours. Put together your wanking rings. Mushing cock rings together to summon Captain Wank.

Or Mechateen, I guess. Yeah, of course. Yes, you can summon Mechateen by smushing together your cock rings. By the power of a thousand wanks yeah i love that so much i love what you did for mechatine i should put on twitter the power of a thousand wanks wanks putting putting just like plain audio is weird though on twitter that's a problem. Yeah, I guess so. We'll have to get an animation.

Yes, the same people who did ABK's thing. Well, I mean, he did it himself. But we can ask him. Let's find out. Comedian Alistair Beckett-King who had a trailer for one of his live shows. An inexplicably brilliant 90s style cartoon that he apparently did himself. I don't know how he did it.

It was incredible. It was incredible. I think he's MrABK on Twitter and he's got a podcast himself which I have appeared on about folklore. He's a very funny guy. Alright. But for now, keep jacking it. Which is masturbating for the interests of

American immigration. Yes. Alright. Goodbye immigration. Yes. All right. Goodbye, everybody. Bye.