BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 89 - Soiled Long Johns Correspondence Special!

Episode Date: November 18, 2020

Correspondence! We have an Amsterdam Malaysian Poo Story, then a musical WhatsApp group and we end on some MAMMOTH tat! We also discuss asthma inhalers, BBC reporters in America "going native" and MAKE. YO. MONEY. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 89. Is 89 anything? 89 Grady Vine, which is what I say when I have a lovely glass of wine. This is a Grady Vine. I mean, I should have just said Grady Wine. I don't know why I went to Vine. I think what it is, is that you say Grady Wine after you sip the wine, and then when you pick up the bottle and examine the label, then you go, graty wine after you sip the wine, and then when you pick up the bottle and examine the label, then you go, graty vine. About the grape variety.

Yeah. And if it's just mediocre, then you say, grapey vine. Grapey vine. Yeah, because then it's just like a vine with grapes on. Yeah, yeah. Pretty neutral statement. I was on a wine...

online wine shop yesterday. Last night. Like, before... Just lying in bed. For like an hour and a half. I was just... I was just looking at wine. Trying to figure out...

what to... like, what to buy. I was on there for ages. Pathetic. How long did you spend seducing yourself with various wares? Must have been like an hour, an hour and a half. Maybe an hour.

That's amazing. That's amazing. And I still have not completed my basket. I've still not made the order. I'm still like, maybe I've chosen wrong. I'll just look again tomorrow. My life is torture. I hate it. Who is it who has a routine about going online

and shopping for stuff that you can't afford? Some American comedian has a routine on that where they're like looking up... It's Tom Segura. Tom Segura. He looks up like boats and private planes and stuff. That's right. He looks up like boats and private planes and stuff. All right. That's right, yeah. He gets a kick out of being like 170 feet. I don't think so.

How you been? Yeah, not bad. We have another vaccine. You happy? Are you happy now? Oh, one vaccine not good enough for you, was it? You want another one, do you? Yes. Pretty pleased.

I've been using my inhaler a lot, which is worrying. But I think it's because my room is dusty. Dusty room. Open the window. Open the window and let in God's light. And hoover. I should just hoover more. I find hoovering and dust the most spiritually dispiriting thing in my household. Because it never ends?

Because it never ends. And the knowledge that I am the dust as well. I am the dust and the dust is me. Yeah, you know, like that old song. The Lord of the Dust. I am the dust and the dust is me. I am the Lord of the Dust, said he. You know.

And I'm making dust. From tiny flakes of skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a good feeling to sneeze because you've inhaled too much of your own skin. Well, this is it. Ugh, my skin. My old skin got inside my new skin. Yeah, my new skin is allergic

to myself. Imagine all the tiny old skin cells floating back inside your nose and being like, I used to live here. And all the new skin cells like, get out of here old man. Achoo! Wouldn't it be more like um

it would be like a christmas carol wow because the the dead skins are the ghosts coming back to haunt you oh oh you yeah right the actual book i thought you meant like it's like any Christmas carol oh no no you know figgy pudding um no like

they're all ghosts coming back and they're like no like or maybe like a zombie film no it's more ghosty isn't it

it's more because it floats yeah yeah exactly exactly yeah so that's that's annoying me I'm hoping that it's because I live in a dusty room floats. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah. So that's annoying me. I'm hoping that it's because I live in a dusty room and I need to hoover more.

Because I really would not like my asthma to return as an adult. I don't want to be that guy. I started inhaling recently again after... I used to when I was a kid and now i've started again because of uh covid just to stay ahead of the curve just give you a good nick

yeah yeah yeah uh and it's quite it's quite pleasant you know i forgot that i can feel quite pleasant to to like inhale especially as you know. I forgot that it can feel quite pleasant to... to, like, inhale. Especially, as you know, I don't smoke anymore, but the sensation of... you know, filling your lungs with something can be quite pleasant. And so why not make it a mild steroid? That's true, actually. Maybe I'll do a reboot of Sherlock Holmes

where he starts calling things a two puff problem yes I remember that two pipe, it's a two pipe problem yeah two pipe problem, that's right it took him two whole pipes to figure it out where is that there's that old

fuck what's his name that American comedian who died of uh bowel cancer um you know the the the fucking the edgelord oh bill hicks bill hicks is that bill where he you know he's talking to someone in the front row and the guy is and he says how much do you smoke and the guy says two packs a day and bill bill hicks says yeah pussy i smoke two lighters a day so it's a decent joke it's good but i it's good but man he's responsible for a lot of fucking edgelords yeah he's birthed a generation of edgelords and also like um you know how back in those days, thanks to Bill Hicks and also a bit of Stuart Lee, being a comedian and doing an advert was, like, the worst ever thing you could do? I've realized why that is.

It's because proportionately, like, listeners might find this a bit inside baseball. Maybe you'll find it interesting. I don't know, listeners. But in those days, if you were a stand-up, you do like just live comedy not tv not radio nothing just the clubs man and you could earn like lawyer money um yeah whereas like the money yeah same here huh same here yeah yeah in the uk in america you you can absolutely smash it so the idea that you would be so greedy as to need extra money from an advert I guess is why they were so scornful of it.

Whereas these days, a stand-up comedy gig that paid 100 quid or $100 in 1995 still pays 100 now. So you better get ready to say how much you love fucking Aspel Cider or whatever. Yeah, fucking go for it, man.

Chit-chat. I've come up with a a slogan for um the early stages of any entertainment career yeah and it is uh make yo money i've not been able to say this to anyone no one's asked me for my advice yet but when they do I've not been able to say this to anyone. No one's asked me for my advice yet. But when they do, I'm going to say, make yo money. You don't know how long you're going to be able to sell yourself for. Sell it now.

Make yo money. But depending on the type of fame, without devaluing the stock. This is also true. But inherent within the slogan, make your money, is value yourself properly. Make as much money out of each gig as you can.

That's true. Don't undervalue yourself. Make your money. That's what I say. So I have no qualms about doing an advert. I'd rather do an advert, you know? I'd rather do an advert than fucking eat a spider on ITV.

I mean, that's... There's a lot more, I think, moral value in selling cigarettes. Would I rather eat a spider or do a makeup video? I don't know. But if you did a makeup video, it'd be so funny that it would have great artistic merit. Yeah, maybe. Maybe I should try and see how easy it is to use makeup on top of a beard.

I'd love for you to paint a beautiful mouth onto your beard. Like a geisha face onto your beard. Some people would be like, oh, she's got a kind of lumpy face. What is that? Why has she got that weird texture? Yeah, what's wrong with her chin?

Oh, fucking hell. Shall we do some correspondence phil oh yes yes yes yes correspondence special let's do it it's been a while correspondence correspondence the subject line of this Phil contains a lot of things I think you'll enjoy It says Oxford

Ed Malaysian Poostatic travel story Wow Oxford Ed Poostatic travel story So someone who went Malaysian so a Malaysian person who went to Oxford got constipation on a flight.

You're close. You're close. Almost. Almost. So. This is from... Who's this from? This is from Leah. Leah Leah Leah there's a song by Roy Orbison called Leah

it's quite haunting oh no not Leah they've capitalized the I at the start of their name Ilya oh well fuck the Roy Orbison song then yeah Roy Orbison can go fuck himself that's our official position poor Roy he was so shy you know Fuck the Roy Orbison song then. Yeah, Roy Orbison can go fuck himself. That's our official position.

Poor Roy. He was so shy, you know. He was a really shy guy. Brilliant singer. But would always wear sunglasses on stage because he was shy. Oh, really? And, yeah, lost his family in a house fire. All of them. Gone.

Jesus. Yeah, very tragic stuff. But Pretty Woman is good. Yes, it was. So he says, my embarrassing Budpuds story. Hello, Philippe here. Greetings from fellow Budpod Malaysian. Oh, wow.

Okay. And also from a similar but better institution than the two of you went to. Oh, that'll be Oxford. I think that's the Oxford part. I'm so annoyed that they've won the vaccine varsity, Oxford. I'm so pissed, because they're going to be holding this over Cambridge's head for decades now, fucking decades. I have a secret wish, which is that I'm happy for this pandemic to go on another year if it means the vaccine comes from Cambridge.

If the vaccine that Oxford came up with turns people into the speed zombies from 28 Days Later. Yeah. Yeah, I'll take that. I think that'd be a moral victory worth the physical pain. Are you just annoyed that all those scientists are now going to be downing pints and getting blows? Getting little celebratory rugby

tops. It's just frustrating. There's going to be a lot of pressure on the next boat race. Can you imagine? Oh, I mean, if they don't show up with a load of inflatable syringes...

I mean, their boat is going to be shaped as one big syringe. Just... like squirting green slime at the front. Yeah, and I guess, I mean, this is very boring for listeners, but all the surgical masks are basically one of the two colors already.

That's right. That's true. Yeah. Varsity blue. So Ilya has slammed us for not going to Oxford already, early on in the email. Okay. But he makes up for it by saying, I have introduced your poo podcast to my fellow social media friends.

Social media friends is such an old-fashioned way. Didn't they have friends I've made on the information superhighway? I've been surfing the web and making pals. Joining chat rooms and talking about shared interests

and hobbies. I could communicate with someone even in the USSR. So he says, it took me roughly 37 episodes to build up the confidence to share this, and I hope everyone can have a little laugh in these dark times. We go back to 2016. Someone who comes from a Malaysian family, the notion of a gap year has never been part of our cultural vocabulary, especially when you have the unfortunate or fortunate privilege of attending Oxford.

Absolutely. Why wait? Why wait? Get your degree. As I always say, Get your degree! As I always say. Get your degree. I like the idea of a really streetwise aggressive person

saying get your degree instead of make your money. He says, summer vacation was never the same when it's filled with forced internships. If. So I had to wait until I graduated to do any further extended long was never the same when it's filled with forced internships. If. Yeah. So I had to wait until I graduated to do any further extended long period of

solo travel. Despite being diagnosed with mild IBS the previous year, I was still keen on doing a trip around Europe by myself for six months, and I thought nothing of it. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, Europe is sort of a roughly bowel stable continent to uh

travel in also in a malaysian with ibs i mean the fucking the dirty ass food we grew up eating usually kind of immunizes us against all stomach upset for the rest of our lives so god i'm going back home must be a minefield. Maybe it's Western food that's tripped him up. Interesting. It might be milk, you know. Chinese people can't...

Well, I don't know if he's Chinese. Actually, Ilya is probably not Chinese-Malaysian. Chinese people, they're not good with milk. We don't have the enzyme. Funny you should mention that, Phil. Ah. But, yes, you're right Europe normally is fairly Lonely planet gives Western Europe

Four bowels out of five For being bowel safe Yes Where is it? So, he thought nothing of it, he said Excuse me, guys The first part of the trip was visiting major cities So, he thought nothing of it, he said. Excuse me, guys. The first part of the trip was visiting major cities and towns in the Netherlands for two months. And it went without any poo accidents, which was great.

Except for the final day, when I had to make my way to Amsterdam Central Station to continue my journey to Munich. It was a nine-hour-long train journey journey mind you, so everything was supposed to go smoothly. As I was waiting for my train, I decided to get some hot chocolate, because who wouldn't like to have a delicious hot chocolate before a long train journey? Lovely. Lovely. As I was finishing

my hot cocoa, I felt a tiny little pinch in my stomach. I sighed with an audibly loud enough no. No. On his own, out loud. Imagine walking by him and he just

no. He says, I sighed with an audibly loud enough no moan that people were visibly surprised. Just, ah, some hot cocoa here in the Netherlands. No. No. So he says, I asked if there was milk in the hot cocoa to the barista and she said yes the menu gives them the name but he didn't fully read the ingredients he says i gasped with the

realization of what that meant for me as i had the look of someone about to blow up i'm very unsure if this is a dutch thing or just a thing that you when you try to find something that you will never find it there was no sign in sight uh for any toilet nearby and there were a queue of 10 people at the information counter looking rather panicky i shoved my way through the line with one hand carrying two massive bags and the other holding my stomach um at this moment 10 minutes has passed since the first sensation and i have 20 minutes before the train leaves. And I wasn't about to leave without my train. When he says when the train leaves, is that a euphemism?

Oh, he says by this point the train hadn't arrived yet, so he can't go to the loo on the train. That's not a possible idea. The person on the counter directed me to the lavatory. Okay, so the directions weren't good enough, so he ran around a bit as well. At this point, I'm running while clenching my buttocks, and instead of holding my stomach, I'm now holding my ass.

Well, well. Oxford doesn't look so great now, does it? Oh, someone should have done a combined degree in not shitting yourself. Or knowing that chocolate tends to have some dairy in it. You'd have thought an Oxbridge student would be aware of that, but I guess that's more of a Cambridge thing. It's been hundreds of years since any of us Shed ourselves As I was just about to reach the entrance of the toilet stall

I felt my stomach break And my anus unable to clench further Stomach break He's about to go in the stall Unfazed I pull down my pants with my Long johns together Oh I see he's pulling down my pants with my long johns together. Oh, I see. He's pulling down his pants and his long johns at the same time.

Yep. Hoping miraculously that the feeling of a waterfall of shit that's going on was a phantom sensation. Oh, no. It wasn't, though, was it? It wasn't. And he says, but no. Imagine shit was pouring whilst I pulled... That i'm pleading with his own ass but no come on but please but no imagine shit was pouring whilst i pulled my pants down and moved to the

sitting position onto the toilet bowl as i pulled my pants down i was shitting in my pants out of my pants onto the floor and onto the toilet rim, and then into the bowl. And the whole place was filled with... This is an interesting phrase he uses here. Diuretic milky poo. Diuretic milky poo. I think that's actually a Dutch word for it. Yeah, I think that's what dutch cleaner said when he opened the

toilet stall door later yeah what is that diuretic milky poo diuretic milky poo diuretic milky poo what the fuck i looked at my watch and i still have 15 minutes before my train leaves and I'm covered in shit. As I tried to hold it all together and figure out my next move, I realized as if it was a miracle. I realized as if it was a miracle. I managed not only to soil my... I only managed to soil my underpants and not my pants, he says. That's something. That's, um...

You can chalk that up as a victory. Yeah. With shit still visibly everywhere, trying to undress myself, waist down, taking off my shoes and pants, and finally my shitty long johns. He keeps calling them long johns. Is that a Malaysian thing? Or maybe they were long johns. Like he's a prospector.'s poo poo in that there stall I think he just means like leg warmers right

I think he means Contextually it's underpants I think he means like The long I wear them now in the winter To keep your legs warm under the Troosers They're like leggings or leg warmers I wear them now in the winter to keep your legs warm under the trousers. They're like leggings or leg warmers.

Well, either way, he managed to carefully remove the shitted long johns, wrapped them up protecting his pants and shoes, used all the toilet paper available to me to wipe myself down as much as possible whilst all of this while still sitting down and shitting. So it's like some sort of

Mission Impossible thing where he's got to undo his shoes and socks and all this and keep everything pristine whilst continuously shitting. While hanging from the ceiling. Five minutes until my train left, I stopped unloading my guts with a petrified look on my face, looking at the nuclear waste I have just done

from one foot away. I really need to clean this, I thought. I took my long johns and whipped the floor clean-ish. With the long johns? Yeah, because they're already shitting. And I decided that they were fully written off as waste. As I wanted to throw away my used-

used to be blue but now fully browned long johns, there was no space in the filled-up-to-the-brim trash can. Oh no. I came to the conclusion that if I don't leave now, I'll miss my train and have to explain to someone what happened. So I placed my long johns behind the toilet inside the cubicle and left. Oh, Jesus, no. Yuck. Yuck!

Typical Oxford student. No respect for anyone else. Think the world is their poo bin They do Ik denk Disse zijn longjons No, de heerlijke märkepoelongjons As he picks them up to look at them He entered his train With just one minute to go

And still recalls the whistle blowing I took out my deodorant And sprayed myself enough to make it seem like I was fresh out of a shower sat down in my seat and cried to myself uh out of the sheer amount of humiliation i just said like the end of captain phillips just breaking down he's also attached a photo uh um of himself in amsterdam centrum before he right like literally like right before he drank the chocolate so innocent you can look into his eyes and think you've got no idea what's about to happen to you mate uh send me the picture honestly all right i'll send it to you now hang on you can you can assess this listener for yourself

phil i'm impressed man because i i've i don't know if you've ever had to change clothes in a toilet cubicle like superman um but it's quite it's quite difficult to not like you know let your socks touch the floor even when they're not covered in poo, the floor, I mean, and so on. Especially, like, that's hard enough. And the balance, and you're standing on one leg, putting your leg in a trouser. He's doing this while pouring shit out of his ass. It's really amazing dexterity. I'm looking at a picture of Elia now.

Handsome guy, good-looking guy. But this is, of course, him pre-shit uh it's like i'm looking at this photo of him smiling on on the river with the same sort of uh tragedy of like the last known photograph of like this is the last time he was a civilized human being. This is the last time he hadn't shat himself in Amsterdam Station. The after photo is like if you pick the wrong Holy Grail. So he's just like shriveled up like a skeleton, like a mummy that you find in the Alps.

What doing this podcast has made clear to me is just how much people are shitting themselves out in the world. Around you, without you knowing. How many times do you reckon you've walked past someone in a train station who's just shat themselves? You know all those businessmen who run

in train stations. They all just shat themselves. is run like you know all those like businessmen who run in train stations is are they ever they all just shat themselves i always think that they're late for something but maybe they're all just running with their briefcases they're late for the toilet they've just done a um a watery milky poo in in their business pants it's do you remember early on in like Harry Potter there'll be a bit in the movie where he's learning just how there's like actually there's wizards hiding everywhere or like you know in Men in Black

where once he knows there are aliens he kind of sees like oh there's a little tentacle under that man's sleeve you know yeah yeah it's that but we with shitting yourself. We're just going to start spotting diarrhea trickling out of, there, two! Just trickling out of someone's trouser leg, and we look up

and he just winks at us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just winks at us and mouths the word Koji. We're in a secret brotherhood. Men in cack. Very good. Very good. M.I.K.

Men in cack. Will gets in touch. Will! You're speaking to Phil. Still. Still. Yeah. Now, Will's been in touch a few times. He's a dedicated pod bud.

And at this point, it's a good new greeting. Dear Budge Log. Pretty good. Yeah, that's gross. I like that, yeah. He says, I've loved every week since the dawn of the bud and now i have something to share in the last few weeks as we look for ways to stay better connected something very natural has started happening between me and two friends oh i call it fart clipping okay i'm gonna guess what this is and it's recording their farts and sending them to each

other oh you've only gone and gone it. You've got it, Phil. You've got it. You've got it. What can I say? The mind of the pod bud and mine are one now. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, you've got a

Vulcan mind meld with every every bud pod. Every pod bud. Every pod bud. So that's true. He says, uh, we voice clip our farts and send them to each other via, uh,

via WhatsApp. Horrible. Horrible. Disgusting boys. Uh, or girls. Will's a boy, but,

uh, you never know. At the beginning of the clip, you'll hear scuffling as the person quickly arranges the trousers to create the. At the beginning of the clip, you'll hear scuffling as the person quickly arranges the trousers to create the... So at first it sounds like a butt dial. Well, I guess it literally is a butt dial. It is. It's a first intentional butt dial.

It's like an Ace Venturia teleconference. It's that guy on a Zoom call, yeah. At the beginning of the clip, you'll hear scuffling as the person quickly arranges the trousers as to create the best audio setup. That's quite funny, like a little studio. But sometimes there just isn't time. One then lays down the track

Lays down the track That's great I'm just gonna go lay down a track One then lays down the track and poof Sends it to the group seeking approval Horrible Yeah We've learned much in this short

time. Farters have their own dialect, accent, and pitch. It's like one of those things about animals like, did you know that farts have different accents? Yes, a fart in Wales sounds a bit different to a fart in Yorkshire.

A fart in Wales is much more musical. Yes. It's designed for travelling across valleys. People say that, don't they? The thing about the Welsh is that their farts are just so musical inherently. The proud tradition of All men's farting Choirs Of course going back

One two thousand years The Welsh venerated farting bards Bread of heaven of course Bread of heaven Bread Good bread of hell bread good yes it does sound like something that Sandy Toksvig would say on QI really earnestly farters have their own dialect, accent and pitch

and sharing them in this way allows our bottoms to have an open and honest conversation with each other we've had great comments such as in this way allows our bottoms to have an open and honest conversation with each other. We've had great comments, such as that first part sounds like someone trying to shout while being gagged. Here's a good comment. That was a story that needs to be

heard. Yeah, I like this now. I quite like this club. And then another comment. Mum heard me play it and says you need to go to the doctor. Oh, Jesus. I hate that. Horrible.

Horrible. That's quite a funny thing to do after you've done a fart, is to nod solemnly and say, it was a story that needed to be heard Urgent and important Stories are powerful Who thought just weeks ago That boys would be scrambling for their phones

As gas brews, desperate not to miss Any of their impressive anal tarts Who knew I would be so disappointed When I missed a good one, saying to myself scrambling for their phones as gas brews, desperate not to miss any of their impressive anal tarts. Who knew I would be so disappointed when I missed a good one, saying to myself, oh, how the boys would have loved that. Or that I would develop FOMO, as I simply didn't fart well enough to the group today. See, this

is an element of the pandemic that's not spoken about enough. The impact it's having on everyone's mental fucking health. The country's gone insane. The virus isn't the only threat to public health here. Yeah, we are the virus. This experience has really drawn us closer together, and I believe it's important to say in these dark times

that farts will and should be heard now more than ever Koji and keep up the good work, Will Thank you, Will and thank you for spreading that really important message at a time when it needs to be heard Yeah, I would say that that was urgent and important and now that we've heard it

we can now that we've read it, we can... Now that we've read it out, people will feel better about their own harrowing WhatsApp groups. I'd really like to see Will and his group of friends featured on the BBC as a sort of feel-good fluff story. This group of friends found a new way to stay connected over the lockdown. And it's just a cutesy little...

So you started this... You started sending fans to each other, and it just sort of took off from there. It's like, yeah, yeah. It's become quite an important feature of our private lives now, and it's really helped each other, you know? Men need to talk about men need companionship

as much as anyone else and and then the newsreader at the end goes wonderful the time is and then they move on to you know that shitty little thing they have to do when there's a nice story they have to go well we all look forward to seeing that.

The time is, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or when you can tell that they were supposed to find it charming, but they didn't, and they go, and they say, like, Will, they're reporting from Cheshire. The time is nine o'clock. On the subject of BBC News reporters reporters have you been watching um they're

american ones the um there are a couple of reporters who like just do the like i think they report from america and one is a lady with hair and the other is a guy with also like hair like like hair of a candle and they're british they're like, they're like if some evil wizard was making two American people and gave up halfway. You know what I mean? So they've adopted the native hair habits, is what you're saying. The hair habits and also the

unprofessionalism. And it's really jarring on BBC, because they'll start like, telling shitty jokes or talking about what their kids have been up to or the personal trials and tribulations of their lockdown experience.

This is the BBC. What the fuck are you doing? I don't like that one bit. Do you not watch these people? They were on quite a lot during the election. I've seen bursts of them and they're certainly much... Even though they're British, they've become much louder.

Ugh. And confident. Terrifying. Chummy. Waxwork hair. Yeah, and really bright white teeth. Horrible. It's like a British person and an American person

walked into that machine in The Fly, and they became one. It's gross. It's unnatural. I don't like it, actually. Sometimes when they have perfect ice-white hair and perfect ice-white teeth, like Anderson Cooper. It's something unnatural. It's not natural. It looks like a photo

of someone where the saturation is minus 100 and the contrast is plus 100. Yeah, it's like they photocopied their face. I could fully see Anderson Cooper plugging himself in at the end of a long day of reporting.

These glowing blue eyes. Terrifying. Children of the Corn stuff. Midwich cuckoos. God, that's... Yeah, I don't like that at all. No. Keep it impersonal and professional and BBC. The BBC should not only be politically impartial,

but emotionally impartial. There should be no feelings on it. None at all. It should be cold and informative. That's what I pay my license fee for. Yeah. Fact robots. Yes, please.

I'm going to perhaps unfairly summarize. So Rebecca gets in touch uh first she says as a ps uh it would be good to have like a supercut of all this uh yes a pre-script i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna open with the ps i'm making an executive editorial decision um would it be possible to create a supercut of all the sketches and silly songs uh people on the facebook group think it would be great We have a Facebook group? There's a Facebook group, yeah We got told about it many, many months ago

Oh, that's nice Yeah, that's a good idea, we should do that Basically She says Dear Pod Buddies Enjoying Budpod immensely Found it as a recommendation through Spotify Oh I never think about us being on Spotify

Yeah And she's been reminded of All our smelly chat Of Christmas Day about five years ago Her brother Wes Who's a postman Cool Has stinky feet

He has stinky feet Wow all that walking around All that posting And Basically Basically they played a prank Where they blindfolded their dad And tried to see if he could guess

Guess the cheese Oh no And thened their dad and tried to see if he could guess the cheese. Oh, no. Yeah, and then to trick their dad, who correctly identified the brie and the cheddar, they put a stinky slipper from Wes under his nose. Yeah. Which he thought was a stinky blue.

And everyone had a good old laugh at dad. Yuck. At dad being tricked tricked i wonder if there's the same bacteria or like a very similar bacteria oh it could easily be could easily be um and she says later on um everyone's uh having a few drinks and playing a few games and and uh eating the you know digesting the food starting to do do little farts from all the Christmas fun. And then she says, suddenly my dad said to my brother, here Wes, look at this,

and proceeded to shove a shot glass up to his face, into which he had done the stinkiest of festive farts. Ooh, in a shot glass. Yes. Jesus. Your family's disgusting Rebecca I don't say this very often But your family is filthy

Imagine the I mean congratulations to your father On what I would describe as his anal accuracy A real founding farter there A real fart Fart of that A real fart sniper Yeah gosh Do you think Rebecca I'm amazed it can even contain

Shotglass can even contain a gas I guess It's helped by as he Pushed it through the air backwards momentum Kept it in there Yeah sure sure sure Yeah That must be it kept it in there. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Yeah.

That must be it. Yeah. Maybe, do you think Rebecca ever boasts to people like a country girl, like, my pa could fart into a shot glass at two paces. Call him dead eye. Dead brown eye. My daddy is a county champion. Ain't no one ever mess with my pa.

Not when he had a shot glass in his hand. Well, that is very gross. I wonder what they'll get up to this Christmas. It'll have to be a... It'll be a quieter one this year. Things are going to be a little different this year. I love adverts that start that way. This year's certainly been different for all of us.

You know something like that? I like that the British ones are depressed and the American ones are... I saw so many adverts watching the election coverage that were just like a... These days, no one knows what's going to happen next, but what's important is your family. And then it's an advert for like cheese

in a tin or something. Benedict gets in touch. The Americans really will put cheese in any container. Every day they wake up and think, what container can I put cheese in today? Is the logical end point them just making a gun that fires cheese and that must exist

surely that exists get Louis Theroux on it yeah yeah yeah yeah get him to stand in a corner and gently question the inventor yeah get him to say right and why would you

why would you make a gun that fires cheese and just try and desperately seem like he's not being rude while being incredibly rude in an English way so Benedict gets in touch Benedict just us three men addict that's nice and in a charming reference

to Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby he says dear crunch and crumble oh that's nice yeah a friend of mine was staying at a relative's recently where they saw a simply mind boggling piece of tat okay it's a genre I'm dubbing self tat where they saw a simply mind-boggling piece of tat.

Okay, I'm prepared. He says it's a genre I am dubbing self-tat. Okay. I'm wondering what this is. Have they made it themselves? Well, so. Like all good self-respecting humans, he says, I enjoy a bit of tat. I can marvel and wonder at what type of person would own it and what they are like.

In this example, it's Lindsay. Lindsay owns it and it has stated all the things that Lindsay likes. Case closed. I like a bit of literal tat. I like the simplicity of just a bit of literal tat. It genuinely is, yeah.

This is my name. This is what I like. I'll put this on the wall so that you know. Well, as a true tat whisperer, Phil, that's exactly what this tat is. Benedict says, I can only imagine two scenarios. The first was that she had this commission

just in case she forgets everything that makes her unique. Or secondly, she came upon it by chance at a German style Christmas market and it just so happened to have all the things she likes in her list with her name at the top imagine her joy and amazement

sustain your masturbations Benedict like the Jumanji of tat it's just like in the corner of a market and you approach it and you're like these are all the things i like i like coffee in the morning i like chocolate i like prosecco with friends holidays

yeah and like as as it slowly zooms in on each word it it's hit by a drum, and then there's a kind of didgeridoo. Like... No one else can hear it. That was a good didgeridoo impression. I used to be able to play... I got given one, like a five-foot-tall one, as a kind of gag for Christmas when I was a teenager, because I sarcastically said I wanted one and i didn't learn to play it just not very well you just have to go like with your lips or something yeah yeah you have to vibrate your lips in such a way and if you play it for long enough your lips feel insane like they're all swollen and weird

that's quite fun Yeah So Lindsay Likes This is the top of the tat Phil And it is just a list And it's all in a kind of It's a serif font It's not Times New Roman but it's not far Maybe Garamond If I'm thinking of the right one

The name's Mond Garamond, if I'm thinking of the right one The name's Mond, Garamond And each Each new element of the list Is a different colour, and they're all pastel Naturally They're pastel colours So, let's see How do you want to play this?

Well, it sounds like I'm going to be guessing what Lindsay likes yeah which could be anything some of these are people's names so that's not fair oh really there's just people that she likes personally up there yeah a couple yeah well let's not do those

okay as for the things Okay, well, let's not do those. Okay. As for the things... I'll give you individualized clues for each one. Okay, okay. Yeah. And if you get them right, I'll do a sort of didgeridoo noise and then a ping.

Great. Yeah. So the top line in pink is lindsey likes dot dot dot um and then this the first thing uh i would say uh the it's two words and it begins with a v and then an s oh lindsey likes And it begins with a V and then an S. Oh, Lindsay likes... Actually, you know what? There's a V and it's the second... Actually, the second word is just the word stuff.

So that's not fair to guess. Oh, okay. Lindsay likes V stuff. Velvet stuff. No. Viol V stuff. Velvet stuff. Ooh, no. Violet stuff. No, go Vega. Remember, Tat is vague.

It's about being vague and individual at the same time. Lindsay likes very stuff. Violet stuff. What kind of stuff do people like Phil that they go searching around for nice stuff yeah I can't think of any words I mean V

V V voluminous stuff I can't think of any words I mean V V V Volumous stuff I've already fallen It's a I'm I'm falling at the first whisper here

It's a It's a genre of stuff Vintage You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You You You You You You You Okay, okay, okay You got it

Okay, I'm getting an idea of Lindsay now Okay, vintage stuff Lindsay likes vintage stuff The next layer It's two places in England And they both begin with M Margate and Maidenhead Ooh, you're close to the second places in England and they both begin with M. Margate and Maidenhead.

Ooh, you're close to the second one. Close to the second one? As in geographically? Yes, and the sound and the name you've said. One of the two places is very mainstream and big

manchester manchester and it's like maidenhead but it's not and Maidstone Yes Wow Hey there you go Manchester and Maidstone what a pairing Maidstone Lindsay likes Vintage stuff

Maidstone and Manchester The next two are quite an odd combo I'm not quite sure Why these are together One is a famous movie character And the other is an animal Oh Ace Ventura and pangolins

No, much more mainstream than either of those Ace Ventura and Pangolins No Much more mainstream than either of those Oh More mainstream Darth Vader And Cats Cats Yes

So it's Cats A famous movie character. Harry Potter. No, but yeah, you're getting nice and mainstream now, even longer career than Harry Potter. James Bond. Yes. James Bond and cats.

Manchester and Maidstone. Bond and cats. Right. So Bond and the pet of a Bond villain. Yes, maybe that's the link. Yeah, Blofeld's cat. Yeah. Yeah, maybe that's the link. Yeah, Blofeld's cat. Yeah. Yeah, maybe that's it.

It's a very strange combo. And then the next line is, Lindsay likes, it's Lindsay likes vintage stuff, Maidstone and Manchester, Bond, cats. And then it's just Graham, Cynthia, Julia, and Max.

I was going to say Graham. One of the names I thought earlier was like, I bet one of them was Graham. Really? That would have been impressive. That would have been so impressive I should have gone for it. The rest of the podcast Graham. Really? That would have been impressive. That would have been so impressive, I should have gone for it.

The rest of the podcast would have just been Didgeridoo noises. I would have shat myself. I'm trying it myself. That's alright That's it You sound like a pervert The next line is two activities S and B

Oh it's still going Shitting and breathing Shitting and breathing S and B Singing No Skiing And brunch

Oh maybe that would be Very sort of upper class wouldn't it If that was what you liked Okay so it's less upper class It's tats about Being individual and vague You know it I know it Shopping

Yeah I can't believe it That's so like sexist I was worried about saying it but Lindsay said it by herself Shopping And boozing No think even more sexist Even more sexist

Shopping and Bitching No but it's a good guess There's a lot of bitch tat out there yeah stuff like I'm a bitch so be nice yeah yeah yeah this stupid

bitch loves tacos or whatever so sexist be shopping and bra buying. No, no. But you're being about the right level of sexist there. Shopping and bubbles.

No, no, no. It's activity. It's still B-ing. Okay. Shopping and... Ballet dancing. It's vague. What do people expect women to do, Phil?

Bicker. Shopping and bickering. It's even simpler than that. A woman's duties. This game has the danger of exposing my own sexist ideas of women. Shopping and... It would be really funny if it revealed

something about you that you were like, ballooning, ballooning! Why do you do that? They're always ballooning, aren't they? Can never reach them. They're always miles up in the sky. Oh, they always turn the heat up so the balloon goes higher just when you get close.

Shopping and something very beginning with B. A woman's duties in the home film. Baking! Baking! Yes! Baking! Yes! Baking.

Oh, Lindsay. Some of this is very, very specific and some of it is very vague. Lindsay likes Graham and baking. Yes. Lucky Graham. I would say the next line is is something it's a bit like the tat is eating its own tail it's it's it's um it's a form of creativity it's also a job and it begins with an i and then a d as in it's become self-referential to tat um not necessarily directly self-referential but

there's a heavy irony that this is one of the things that lindsey likes an i and a d information technology uh uh i as in the two words id id yeah two words interrupting dennis she'll never let dennis get a word in well we all like to interrupt denn. I don't think I'm going to get this in time, you know. Maybe not. It's interior design, Phil.

Oh, that is quite meta. That's meta for a bit of tat. The next line is quite weird. Facebook and Chris. Facebook and Chris? Facebook and Chris. She's really... She forgot Chris early on And now she's been confronted

Chris is coming like What about me Yes I was about to write you down Right after Facebook I was saving you That's right I was saving you for after Facebook I didn't forget you

Also how funny will this look Like when hopefully Hopefully Facebook dies It'll be like having tat on your wall that says I love Bebo Or the third Reich Yeah I love the CIA's MKUltra program.

Actually, that would be quite fun to get some tat covered in horrible government conspiratorial activity. That would be very funny. Yeah. Yeah, that would be good. And a fertile market, plenty of buyers. Behave like you're J. Edgar Hoover Yeah, behave like you're J. Edgar Hoover in the 60s.

What does that mean? Just do whatever you want. Oh. I'll give you this one, Phil, because you already guessed it earlier. Holidays. Oh, yeah. Well, that's there as well, is it? Yeah, holidays is after Facebook and Chris, in big letters,

holidays. I can't believe it's still going. How long Well, that's there as well, is it? Yeah, holidays is after Facebook and Chris, in big letters, holidays. Imagine having them. I can't believe it's still going. How long is this thing? It's like there's fucking Ten Commandments. It is carbon stone, to be fair. She found them on top of a hill. That was the Jumanji moment,

where it's just lightning storm. Behold what Lindsay likes. Lindsay will like the following. Be not afraid. So the next line is incredibly specific. No point trying to guess it. Monarch Airlines Wow

Yeah Wow Imagine liking something as vague as holidays But something as specific as Monarch Airlines We sure know how she's getting to those holidays And we're probably with Chris on Facebook And the final line Phil I think you can guess this

It's the heart of all tat Okay She loves being born in April No no It's a beverage. Prosecco. Yes! Wow, Lindsay likes a lot of things Lindsay's got a rich life Lindsay has a rich life

And between baking and Graham I'm amazed she has any time for holidays On Monaco Airlines Or Chris Yeah That's the kind of tat where I could use it to get into your fucking bank account baking and Graham. I'm amazed she has any time for holidays on Monaco Airlines. Or Chris. Yeah. That's the kind of tat where I could use it to get into your fucking bank account. There's that much info about you on it.

Oh man, that's a lot of tat. Oh, I need a tat break. Let me sit down and digest all this tat. Fucking hell. Well, that was a good old episode. Yeah! all this tat fucking hell well that was a good old episode yeah it's nice to get back in touch with the real people behind the podcast

yes exactly exactly and the beating heart and ass of the listenership the beating fart the beating fart of our listenership. The beating fart. The beating fart of our listenership. The telltale fart.

Yes. We'll probably do another one next week, given that those were three pieces of high quality correspondence. I can't believe how long it takes us to get through one. I always think like, ah, we have an hour, we'll get through like 20 emails. It'd be

quite funny if we did like a speed run one where it was just like thank you tim thank you josie right uh koji everyone stay safe enjoy uh the vaccine when you get one have a little yeah clink clink the drink clink the syringe with the person being vaccinated next year. Drink up. Get your vaccine. Get your vaccine. All right.

Code you guys. Bye. Bye-bye.