BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 9 - BudPoo

Episode Date: April 24, 2019

The final international pod! We talk about Extinction Rebellion, hayfever, poo, the Sydney Opera House and, of course, poo some more. Don't forget to subscribe and also rate us five stars on iTunes, UBER style! Contact us at [e-mail] or @thebudpod on Twitter. Enjoy! Share! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, Pierre. Hello, Phil. How is Sydney, Australia? That is correct, Pierre. I'm here in sunny Sydney, Australia, the capital of the new world. It's nice here, man. It's real pretty. I went on a walk today along Bondi Beach with friend and fellow comedians Fern Brady and Sean McLaughlin. Oh, great. How are those guys doing? Do they enjoy Australia?

Well, Sean got here yesterday and his first time ever in Australia. So he's got a bit of the madness, I guess, but he seems to be holding up pretty well. Fern loves it here. Fern really likes it. Why? For such a gruff Scottish

nutter. She... I hope she doesn't hear this. Scottish nutter, she... I hope she doesn't hear this. She really likes... She likes the polite, sunny disposition of the Australians. Really? Whereas I find it quite grating. Yeah, it's too much, isn't it?

I can't wait to come home and be ignored. Yeah. It's just too goddamn nice. Well, I mean, I remember Mr. McLachlan once did a routine where he described all of his ancestors as bandits, so... Yeah. It's just too goddamn nice. Well, I mean, I remember Mr. McLachlan once did a routine where he described all of his ancestors as bandits. Yeah. Well, then they would find a happy home in this blossoming penal colony. Yeah.

I said penal connolly. I said penal colony. Penal connolly is, of course, Sean Connery's Asian cousin. I don't know, man. It's getting late here. How are things in UK? Do you have a horrible summer? It's pretty...

It's getting... It's hotting up. Things are hotting up. Well, in terms of excitement, or literally? Just like the extinction... And weather. it was like 24 degrees at some point yesterday. Okay that's not too bad though last year got up it was like in the early 30s for a few days it's disastrous. It comes just

as the extinction rebellion people said that we're all dying so that's been the big news Phil. People have been super gluing themselves to the road over the climate and loads of people who write for, like, the Spectator as columnists have been like, Oh, if global warming is real, why is my tea so cold? I don't understand the connection between being right-wing and denying climate change. I mean, I can see it if you're like a religious American right-winger, because you're like, God will never let us die. But if you're a UK conservative,

you're supposed to be, your job is to protect people from dangers in a conservative manner. So why? Yeah. And, and they, and they're supposed to love the countryside. Yeah,

it does. It doesn't make a lot of sense. It can only be explained by the fact that like, I don't know. They, they love, they love petrol and they are being conservative in the sense that they don't want to stop having petrol

do they just find the people who are calling for more climate change policy annoying i sometimes feel that's all it is they look at the people who are arguing for something and they decide whether or not they find them annoying and if they find them annoying they take up the people who are arguing for something and they decide whether or not they find them annoying and if they find them annoying they take up the opposite political position yeah i think that's it and also i think um i think they're just sort of going oh well you know uh there's loads of things that those people care about that i think is is is stupid and shit. And so this must be one of them because caring about things in that kind of way that requires a really tedious change to my daily affairs is always bad. It's like when you meet someone really annoying and they mentioned their favorite band and without ever listening to that band

you go, I will never listen to that piece of shit band because this doofus likes them. Yeah. If that's your favorite band then I hope they go missing in the Andes. That's what I hope. Now that you've mentioned that.

But yeah, so here in London That's what I hope, now that you've mentioned that. So here in London, we have been getting hotter and hotter, right as all the people have been saying that we're going to get hotter and hotter, in a sort of almost cinematic contrast. Hmm. It's rare that something on the news has such a direct and obvious effect on you straight away. Because usually you watch the news and it's like, oh, a bridge fell down in Cambodia. And you go, oh, okay, I guess that was kind of interesting to know, but my life will continue as ever. It did.

But this one is like, the world is going to burn! And you walk outside and you're like, you know? It's like instant. It's kind of fun. It's like you actually feel a part of world events, you know? Yeah.

I feel alive! Yeah, I mean, like if the news said there are no apples now and you went to the shops, you know, it's very direct. Yeah. But even that, even those stories I never felt connected to, like, the news would say, there is a shortage on cabbages. And I go, oh, really? And I go to the shop and I just get flooded by cabbages. And I buy these cabbages. I always think, where did the story come from about there being no cabbages? I swear there's so many cabbages here.

Well, they meant a shortage because they've been told there's a relative shortage by the industry. And in actual fact, cabbage harvests are down by 4%. Yeah, exactly. If you run a Polish restaurant, you might feel the effect of a slight cabbage shortage, but most of us are like, there seems to be as much cabbage as ever there was. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Whereas now we're all going to boil to death on our own farts,

so that's going to be great and you you sound worse for it pierre you sound your your hay fever is um i sound terrible because um as we record this it is uh it's the important thing is that it's before 9 a.m uh which for me is is a serious wake-up time because i do i'll do a gig and then stay up too late fiddling about after the gig and um and i was just explaining to phil when i wake up in the summer i sleep with my window open so all night i i amass a wonderful collection of pollen at the back of my uh nasal canal and so when i wake up like a bee like a bee i'm a nose bee um so when i wake up lovely big hairy bee

i like i and i'm i'm really bad at waking up by the way like when i wake up it's like it's like it's like i i'm waking up at the bottom of a pond in the mud and I have to swim to the surface. That's what waking up is like. Well, that's how. And now I'm doing that, but with a face full of pollen and I can't breathe and it sounds gross. Pollen, it stops me breathing. Pollen, it stops me breathing Pollen, it's everywhere Pollen, it's made of plant jizz

A fever, that's why I'm not breathing Pollen, it's in my nostrils. Pollen, it's in my eyes. And all this pollen, it's got me thinking, everyone should just live in space where we are free From all this dust that comes from plants And our astronaut suits Keep our noses safe from this awful Stinky sexy plantages

Pollen, it stops me breathing. Pollen, it's from trees and grasses. Pollen, it's very common. Hay fever, it's not just for children. Pollen, it's made of plant jizz pollen it's in my eyes

pollen it's in my nostrils you wake up quite early for a comedian I'm impressed hay fever is shit yeah my dad always had it I don't think I have it You wake up quite early for a comedian. I'm impressed. Hay fever is shit. Yeah, my dad always had it. I don't think I have it.

So I guess I'm a lucky boy. Although I've been having some health concerns recently. But I've just been... Don't get worried, Podbuds. Don't worry about old Wang. I think I'll be okay. I get a little hypochondria when I come to Australia. I think it's because everyone else looks so damn healthy.

I go, oh my god. Is this what people are supposed to look like? I'm so sick. And I just go to the doctor like five times in the month. He's like, doc, you've got to fix me, doc. I'm a troll compared to these people. And, well, without getting too graphic

I was getting a bit worried about the consistency and quality of my plops my my my post foods my digestion coders

and so I went to my post foods, um, my digestion coders. Uh, and, and so I went to the doctor and I said, uh, doc, my, my, my,

my shit ain't looking right doc. They ain't looking good. And he, and he was, and I, and he was like, all right, I'm,

I'm sure it's fine. Um, uh, I'm going to, you go pick up a kit from the, like, alright, I'm sure it's fine. You go pick up a kit from the receptionist on the way out. So I went out and I handed this kit. It's a poop testing kit, Pierre. It's a kit you take home to test your poops. No. Yes, you have to collect samples of your own poop.

At that point part of me went, you know what, maybe I just die of bowel cancer. I think I'd rather just die of bowel cancer. Take part in this. And then my hero side of me went, actually no, this could be really funny.

So the lady handed me this kit and there's two sets And then my hero side of me went, actually, no. This could be really funny. So the lady handed me this kit. And there's two sets. One set is a set of three little vials, the lid of which is attached to a long prong. So you pull out this lid and a prong comes out. And you have to jab at your poops. And you put it back in, and you shake it up with liquid inside until it makes a lovely little slightly brown mix.

And you've got to do that three days in a row on different poops. And then the second test, well, this little jar container, and you unscrew the cap, and the cap has got this scoop on the bottom side. Right. And you just have to scoop up your own shit and put it in this

tub. And then that's your sample. So I was like, okay. I was like, okay, I guess this is my weekend. So on the next... Oh yeah, so this is how you have to collect your poop, right? They

give you three blue sheets. And you put the sheet between the toilet seat and the toilet bowl. And you... So you sit on the sheet. Right. And you sit on the toilet lid. And it holds the sheet between the lid and the bowl. And you shit onto the toilet, uh, the, the toilet lid and it holds the sheet between the lid and the bowl and you shit onto the sheet.

No. Yeah. You sheet shit. And that's your, there's your sample hammock. And you, you look, you know,

we know the thing that's under, um, it's a safety net is, is like my poo is a clumsy tightrope walker. And it falls out all the time and it gets caught in the sheet. And so I go, okay, I can do this. Turns out I couldn't.

The first time I did it, I caught... This is going to get real graphic, Podbuds. This is our first ever bud poo this episode is called bud poo welcome to bud poo okay so the first time i tried to collect my bud poo i put the sheet between the the toilet seat and the bowl i sit down and i do my business i trick my body into thinking it's a normal poo i i go on my phone i look at instagram i look at um girls i i used to kiss that are doing better now and and just like that the poop comes starts to begin it starts to flow sure now people always think the sound of poop plopping into water is gross.

I can tell you an even grosser sound is doing a poop and not hearing anything drop into water, but instead slowly and calmly lay itself down in a plastic hammock. Like a sick old snake. It just went... But I'm so elated. I go, yes, look at this sample. I got it. I got it. And so without thinking, I get up, which instantly releases the sheet of the friction that I was providing with my butt onto the seat.

The whole poo hammock just falls into the toilet. Most, most of it tumbles into the water and I can't, I can't, I can't use it if it's been the water. So now I'm pulling this shitty plastic sheet out of my toilet and I'm grabbing the vial. I pull out the little prong thing and I'm, but this it's, it's all in the toilet. I'm like, I can't just, uh, at one point I swear to God, I considered out the little prong thing, but it's all in the toilet, I'm like, I can't just, at one point, I swear to God, I considered shoving the stick up my ass, for like five seconds, I thought, that's the same thing, right, I can just shove it up my bum hole, and then wiggle it about, like I'm picking my nose, that's the same, right, and then

I went, no, Phil, this could, at worst, this is could at worst this is at worst you're gonna damage your anus at best you're gonna discover a whole new pastime that you really don't have time and and so i scan over this sheet that the poop's fallen off of and it's just like these streaks of differently colored poops. And I go, well, I have to make do with this. And so I sort of run the stick over the sheet, like I'm painting it. And I pull it a little bit, and I pop it back in,

but try not to get any poop onto the outside of the vial, because here's the other thing. I've got to keep it in my fridge, Pierre. No, what? Yeah, you have to keep the samples fresh. So I made a little corner of my fridge.

It was quite a bare fridge. I didn't really keep much food in there over the festival, so I just had a fridge that had a tub of butter, and over the course of three days, three vials of shit in the corner in a little plastic bag. So I don't want to get on the outside. So I have to try and get this poo stick back into the vial without touching the sides. Do you remember playing that magnet game where you have to get a hoop over this wire without going...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that's what it felt like. By itself, I just get some poop on the vial who knew that poop went off yeah you presume it's already off yeah it's shit that's come out of your ass

I mean I've never looked at a poop and gone that's within it's best before that poo is on the turn. So I get the violin and go, that's not a great sample. The next time I do it, I've got, I have technique. So the next time I do it, I do the same thing. Spread the sheet down, do my poop onto the sheet, and I go, poop in the toilet once, shame on poop.

Poop in the toilet twice, shame on Phil. So now as I'm sat in the toilet, I see I've got the sample, which is the new word I've discovered for part of the shit, on the sheet. I grab the side so it doesn't fall in. I then stand up. So I'm now bending over the front of the toilet like I'm presenting the cistern my bumhole. Yeah. I then have to ease the toilet seat up over the poop so I can get the sheet around.

I then turn around. I grab the seat with my teeth. No! To try and lift it back up. And I think, ah, this is so smart. And then a second later I realise, I've got a toilet seat in my mouth. But I manage to get it up. I lay the poop down.

And now I've just got... I've got a turd on a blue sheet on the floor in my bathroom. And it is starting to stink. It is starting to stink. So I get... I'm also wearing socks. I'm like, I better not step in. I better not forget what I'm doing and step in this

to go over to flush the toilet. So I get my second vial out. Because you've got the toilet. And so I get my second vial out, because you've got to take three times. I get my second vial out. This is day two. And I get on my knees. I get on my knees and I just start stabbing. I start stabbing

this turd like I'm murdering a slug. It feels like I'm murdering a big slug. But also it's on this plastic sheet so you're like Turd Dexter. Yeah, exactly, yeah. It feels like CIS CSI

Criminal Shit Investigation. I'm just like prodding this dead poop on the I found this murdered poop. And I put it in the vial I'm so happy. I get this vial. Much better sample. And then I pick up the sheet

and I just tilt it into the toilet and it goes, shut the heck up. Like a dead sailor. Like, yeah, over the... Over the side. And, uh... Okay, so I've...

I've prodded this poop. Throw it into the toilet, flush it away, done. Second day, much better. Now, on the third day, the third day is an important day, because you've got to get your third poking sample, and you've got to scoop the second tub sample, which then has to be delivered fresh. Yeah, you can't refrigerate one. The scoops have to be delivered fresh. Ugh. Yeah, you can't refrigerate one.

The scoops have to be delivered fresh. Now, the night before I have to do this, Pierre, I had a date with a lady. Oh. And the date went well. Uh-huh. And so for the evening we shared accommodation um after the whole time um me keeping her away from uh the fridge yeah she keeps saying uh have you got any water i'm so thirsty and you go no i only have butter have you got any

butter I'm so thirsty no it's not drinking butter the next morning we go for breakfast and this is my last chance also the clinic closes early

on this day because it's a Saturday. It closes at 1. Oh, my God. We're getting breakfast at around 10. I've yet to collect the third sample set. Okay? So I'm looking at the watch the whole time. My watch the whole time.

And I say, oh, yeah, okay, so I better go. We have a nice breakfast and everything, and I have to go back now. I have a lot of emails to do. I have a lot of research and science to do. And so I say bye to... She's a great person. I say bye to her. She said, nice hanging out.

I say, yeah, nice hanging out. I say goodbye. I run back to her. She said, nice hanging out. I say, yeah, nice hanging out. I say goodbye. I run back to the hotel. I've been drinking more coffees than usual. So Phil, can I just point out that this is like in a sitcom where a guy tries to go on two dates at once in the same restaurant,

except the second date is with your own ass. And she hates latecomers. She is fussy. She is a fussy, fussy gal. And so... So you've been loading up on coffee. Loading up on coffee, loading up on poops.

I'm so happy the timing's worked out. I was really worried, because I'm leaving Melbourne the day after, basically. I'm not going to have the chance. Well, I'm leaving Melbourne on Monday. The place is closed completely all Sunday. If I don't get in by 1, I've been collecting shit for nothing. Okay? So I've been keeping shit in my fridge like american psycho for nothing and so

i run back i run back i do i'm at this point i'm fucking pro at shitting on the sheet and getting it out from under a toilet seat i lay this baby down on the floor. Like an artist. Like an artist. I do my pokes. Put it in the vial. Shika shika shika. Throw it in with his cousins. His two cousins.

His two cold cousins. Cold shit. Then I get. I get the big jug out to do the scoop samples. It's got a brown top just to make it clear what's going on. And I get on my knees, and I start scooping this like an archaeologist, like I'm looking for Richard III's skeleton. I'm just like...

Shoveling this mud into the into this vial and I screw that up, I pick up the sheet throw those puppies in the toilet flush it down, I look at my watch I've got like half an hour before the clinic closes I zip up the bag I've got my three cold vials

and I've got my little tub of scoop shit and now I start running out my hotel it's in a little brown paper bag I've got my three cold vials, and I've got my little tub of scoop shit. Now I start running out my hotel. It's in a little brown paper bag so people can't see what's inside, but I know what's inside. I run out of the toilet. I smile at the receptionist.

We all know us at this point. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I run out of the hotel. It's around the corner, this medical clinic. It's in a shopping center, right? It's in a big shopping center. The QV, it's around the corner this medical clinic it's in a shopping center right it's in a big shopping center the qv it's called and so i'm running the shopping center cafes people eating everywhere i'm just holding a bag of my shit they don't know i'm stood there holding a bag of my own shit in this little paper brown paper bag i got this i'm not entirely sure where the clinic is so i got the steps i look around

it's not there i look walk around the corner not there i'm starting to panic now i've got like 15 minutes i've got 10 minutes before the clinic closes and i've done all this for nothing i run up the escalator um nothing there i realized it's actually on no i run the escalator i run out onto the street realize i shouldn't have gone out there, there's no way back inside. I run back inside, go up the escalator, there's nothing up the second floor. I realize, oh it's actually back on the first floor where I started and I missed it. So now I've just been... So now I'm just running around in the panic, running around a shopping center with a bag of my own shit. Just scanning the place like a like a terrified terrified man and i finally see it and i run

inside and i catch the lady the lady who's doing it and you're like this pierre she's south oh no she's not south african why do you think she's south african she's german i don't know why i thought you like that i don't know why i thought she's south african she's german lady very stern german lady that's that i said i've got some that's so stereotypically German to like because everyone's got that stereotype about like, you know poo pornography or whatever

the fact that there's a German lady working in the Scheisse building yeah, I walked back in afterwards and she was just rubbing it on herself, I was like, is this how the test is done? and she's just rubbing it on herself. I was like, is this how the test is done? Yeah. And she's questioned a German lady and I say something to the effect of, I've got some shit to deliver.

And she says, yeah, that is me. And I walk into the, it feels like I'm handing homework in. It feels like I'm handing a dissertation in to a university student. And she's like, have you marked the days? You took a selfie for

Instagram. I'm finally handing it in. All my friends are like, oh, well done! Like fireworks emojis, the party popper emojis. And I hand in this poop and I pay like it's 150 dollars which is a strange feeling here's 150 dollars for some and for some shit it made you feel it's quite like an ego boost really

to think of your your shit as being quite valuable. Yeah. Wait, she said, have you marked the days? Yeah, did you mark the days on the three vials? And I went, uh, no, but one of them I kind of dropped in the toilet. And she's like, and I was like, I mean, I kind of remember one of them I did mark,

the other two I'm not sure, and she just went, well, there's no point. There's no point if you don't know which one which at first i was like oh no i've made her upset and then i remembered oh no germans just are direct and they yeah they're not going to be polite about your bad shit technique um to make you feel better she was just telling me as it is she just said no there's no point in doing that we'll'll do the best we have with the information at hand. And yes, we got submitted and I got my results

today. Oh yeah? Did you pass? I am pregnant! I'm so pregnant! Pregnant with healthy healthy poos! So it's all good. Yeah, it's all good. It's all fine.

It's amazing that you're like uh the level of effort you went to to accommodate your own hypochondria there yeah man but but because i'm partially aware of the hypochondria it was also just kind of funny i also enjoy the fact that like, for some people, possibly even some people listening, this is the most erotic story they've ever heard. Yeah, do you think we'll end up on like, we'll end up on a pretty niche podcast list?

Yeah, definitely. Like a podcast chart. Definitely. A pretty under. Like a podcast chart. Definitely. A pretty underpopulated chart on iTunes. There'll be someone listening to this going, oh my God, it's Phil, there's plastic involved, there's shit involved, there's panic at the end and a brief humiliation by a German woman. Yeah, now you put it that way.

It reads like a Pornhub description. Like, you've written some fan fiction about your own ass. Yeah, yeah. Asian gets publicly humiliated by German Dom. Over some shit. Over some shit. Some caca. Over some shit.

Over some shit. Some caca. Well, this is very the church of naughty boys and girls. Dirty. This is the church of dirty boys and girls, of course. The church of dirty boys and girls, of course. Dirty boys and dirty girls. Yes.

Come. Congregate. Dirty boys and dirty girls, and hear my dirty sermon. I do apologize if... I hope people don't listen to this while they eat. I know I often listen to podcasts while I eat, and there should be some kind of trigger warning, I guess, before this. Yeah, the fact of the matter is that if you don't find toilet humor funny, this podcast is going to be a real desert to you. If you don't find toilet humor funny Humor funny, frankly, grow up. Grow up!

I agree, because you and I have long held that there's nothing funnier than stuff coming out of you and you don't die. Yeah, it reminds us all that we are animals. We leak and we drip and we squeeze slime out of us. Dirty, dirty slime. And we can't do anything about it.

None of us can do anything about it. We just have to. It's an equalizer. Yeah, it's an equalizer and it's gross and also thanks to isn't it amazing that we can use technology as two people on other sides of the world to join together in trying to describe the noise of a turd hitting plastic? done. David Elms, friend and comedian David Elms has a really funny joke in one of his songs where he points out that the funniest things in life will always be pooing and dying. And when you die,

you poo yourself. David Elms of course he is recently a father yes lovely little baby he's recently a father and he actually recently posted a picture on Instagram of his beautiful child with a caption

something like when you're brewing up to do a poo so bad that your dad has to wash his hands three times and take a shower and I read that and I just remember thinking now I almost want to know

what it smelled like, that's how impressive that description is I just can't believe we're at the age now where our contemporaries to know what it smelled like. That's how impressive that description is. I just can't believe we're at the age now where our contemporaries and friends are scooping up other people's poops. I mean, sure, fair enough, I'm scooping up my own poops. But that's

because I'm a young man! You're in the prime of your life! Scooping up poops, giving them a sniff, getting them all clear. Watch out, ladies, Wang's back on the scene. He a sniff getting the all clear watch out ladies wang's back on the scene he's been giving the all clear hey ladies you were safe during that interval where i had to prod my own dumps but now oh boy boy boy that's astonishing that is an absolutely astonishing experience that many people in our industry

would pay to have had happen to them and you did yeah this is the first time this is the first time I've ever talked spoken about it

um but it's just between you and me don't tell anyone yeah it's a hell of a story to wake up to I can tell you that

yeah I keep forgetting you've only just woken up. Oh, man. Okay, well, I have to go soon. I'm going in a couple of minutes to the Sydney Opera House, Pierre, to do stand-up at the Opera House. Jesus Christ! Are you going to do some operatic stand-up? Yes!

Oh, have you ever noticed? Have you? And if you don't have that friend in your friendship group, it's you. Running around the shopping center with my shit. Yeah. it's going to be fun. It's an incredible venue.

Oh, did you know the designer of the Sydney Opera House, when he first, when it was first realized, when people first realized what it was going to look like, everyone hated it. This is like in the 70s. They thought it was an abomination and a disaster. And the

designer, let's see if we can find his name. The designer was from Denmark or something. Jorn Utzon. Jorn Utzon. Where is he from? Well, they hated it so much that they exiled him.

What? They exiled him from Australia. They... He's Danish, yeah, so he's from Denmark. They exiled him from Australia. On his way out, they snuck pornography into his suitcase so that he would not be allowed to re-enter Australia. So he was exiled from Australia, had to return

to Denmark. He's not invited to the unveiling ceremony, which is a few years later, after which the Sydney Opera House is hailed as one of the great modern architectural marvels of the world. They apologised to him in like 2003 or something. What? And he died never coming back. He never ever came back. He never saw it again. Jesus.

He died in exile from Australia. So like... from Australia. Not like the Australians to take something for granted and punish the people who originated it. That is one of the pettiest and nastiest

stories I've ever heard. That is astonishing. It's an incredible building though, fair play to him. It's a real marvel of design. So tonight I will be honouring his memory with my fucking dick jokes. I hope this ghost is happy. I think as he was on his deathbed he said, I hope that a young boy from Malaysia tells a story about poo in a bag. I designed the acoustics so that even without a microphone, the people right in the back of the room will hear a poop drop. Not a pin drop, but a poop drop.

You could hear a poop drop. Not a pin drop, but a poop drop. You could hear a poop drop. When he makes the noise for stabbing the poops, then everyone will know exactly the type of poop stabbing he means with his mouth. They will be able to tell if he has gatoroentitis from

the subtle plodding of the poops from anywhere in the arena. We're gonna kick you out of the country. Oh, no. Yeah, that's how it went, basically. Look, I'm not saying it's not a great opera house. I'm just saying he didn't design it for opera.

He designed it for shit stories. The Sydney opera... Oh, God. The Sydney Oh god The Sydney Plopper House The Sydney Plopper House Phil, please Please go on stage tonight and say More like Sydney Plopper House

Thank you, goodnight With no context Introducing The new operatic stand-up album from stand-up opera singer um phil sang a diaphragm full of laughs, with hits such as Where You From. Where are you from? Oh, that place is a shit hole. The beautiful, heart-wrenching Ladies, Can We Be Real For A Second. Ladies, let's be real for a second.

What are you doing in the toilet so long? And who can forget the classic, Vegans are so weak. Vegans are so weak. Vegans are weak, they don't eat enough protein cause they're vegans and their diets don't allow for meat which are classically foods high in protein. And, of course, the international phenomenon song slash bit of stand-up. That that is my dad said the craziest thing the other day

my dad he said the craziest thing the other day he turned around looked at me square in the eye and without missing a beat, he

said, You're not my son! Diaphragm Full of Laughs from opera stand-up Phil Sang. Available now in three music shops.

Um, and uh, The Dark Web. Yee! shops and the dark web yeee okay I'm gonna have to sign off folks on that I'm sorry I didn't get to hear about your plops today, Pierre. No, that's okay. I just had to tell you that story, and it went on forever. It's one of the great stories of our time.

There'll be time for my plop anecdotes at some point in the future, I'm sure. Yeah, well, I will sit and pray for you. Please do. Enjoy the Sydney Opera House, Phil. Thanks. Well, that's the end of this episode. This will be the last Trans Earth episode Some of you will be glad to hear

Yes from now on It's domestic episodes only Brexit means Brexit All domestically produced All domestically produced All poop stories will happen In Blighty Thank you very much

Good old fashioned British plfashioned British plops. British plops for British workers. Thank you for listening. Next week will not be as gross, although no promises. Yeah, in fairness, we promise you nothing except that there will be more of something like this, but not the same, but similar.

Bye pod buds. Enjoy.