BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 90 - Orangutan Is Watching You Correspondence

Episode Date: November 25, 2020

The boys return with even more correspondence at an even slower pace! The decline of wagers. Phil hates animals, Pierre likes some animals, Matt the Splat Borneo Jungle Adventure, jungle animals, zombies and Hitler come up briefly, as well they might. More vaccines, thank god! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's BudPod 90. Is 90 anything? 90 is the lowest mark possible I would allow myself growing up at school. In what subjects? Anything, really. I mean, I think I would allow myself a lower mark for Chinese just because Chinese is so hard. Yeah. Allow myself a lower mark for Chinese, just because Chinese is so hard. Yeah. But maths would have to be a 90 for, you know, and...

Yeah, I think at GCSE I gave myself slack for history. Why? Because it's essays. Because I wasn't very good at it. And I guess I wasn't as interested in it as the others And I felt it was sort of an add-on subject To what I knew was going to be A science, maths, heavy academic life Yeah, okay, so you'd already accepted

That you were Captain Numbers from now on Yeah Mathotine! I was Mathotine You were from now on yeah matheteen i was matheteen you you were you were matheteen um i did like i mean this is not uh particularly an amusing piece of information but um you did a very impressive thing i think uh phil which is you educated yourself in the ways of of maths and numbers and things science um and then as a sort of guy in his 20s i remember when you it was like a particular decision you made where you were like i'm gonna read all the books now i think yeah i didn't read books for myself until after university because i didn't i didn't need

it i remember i i i was an engineering degree we didn't need books i remember i i borrowed one one book from the library and one of the older engineers just went put it back like it's not what we were supposed to do we didn't read books, we were just given the sheets and we worked it out but then I graduated with great gaps in my knowledge and history was one of them so I

got a few, you know, Guns, Germs and Steel Prisoners of Geography is one I read recently, it's really good and I think I started with Gombrich's A Brief History of the World, which he wrote for children in the 20s, I think. He's a German art historian.

He wrote The History of Art, which is the go-to art history book. And then the German government, I can't remember when, but just went, we want a history book. Ideally not in the late 30s. We need a history book. Yeah. I don't... I think... Oh, I can't remember when it was.

I think it might have been just before, maybe. If it has this reputation, it'll be Weimar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean, the only thing is he's he's he's a real humanist and really comes through in the writing that he's you know a real humanist but he basically he taught himself history of he was given like you know two months to write this book so and he didn't really know any history so he just read up he just spent every day in the library and condensed it all and wrote this book yeah and even though it was his intent it was intended really for children it's really great overview of world history um which i recommend yeah anyway that's my history um that's my history lesson

i really um i really enjoyed that that period because i'm a big old humanities nerd and it was it was like um a confirmation that it's that it's interesting because a science man had come and you were reading and going like oh that oh i can't believe that you know whatever thing happened and i'd be like yes it's mental isn't it like uh just getting really into it i'd be the equivalent of if i started getting really into like uh i'm trying to think of something like i'm trying the equivalent of if I started getting really into like... I'm trying to think of something... I'm trying to think of if I even know enough about engineering to...

I don't know, force equations? Well, that's the thing. You can't... The thing about maths and engineering is it's about practice. You can't really just pick up a book and then go like Neo, I know maths now.

It's just like you just have to practice it. I've just had a quick Google and it's called A Little History of the World by E.E.H. Gombrich and it's written madly in 1935 in Vienna. Okay, that's close. That's close. It's in Vienna though. Spicy stuff.

Spicy stuff. I remember thinking do you ever do you ever get that feeling of like fomo even though it's something you didn't want to do and couldn't do is this about nazi germany it's just about the anshulus phil i just love uniting countries imagine getting do you reckon anyone got FOMO if they missed a rally or something? I bet they did. Someone definitely did. Oh, definitely.

They were so into it. The lie we all get told is that it was a big trick and everyone fell for it. It's like, no, no, loads of them totally knew what it was about. And they would have been like, oh, I can't believe I missed it. Was Hitler there? Was he there? Was he late? He's always late. It's like Guns N' Roses. They would have been like oh i can't believe i missed it was hitler there was he there was he late he's always late it's like guns and roses you know they would have been super into it he was often late he kind of uh pioneered that

yeah there is a there's a real straight there's a this interesting streak amongst of totalitarians of laziness. No, it was a PR thing. It's like Axl Rose. It may have been sincere, but they did it in the knowledge that it riled the crowd up. It made everyone go mental. It made it seem more like some kind of event than just some political speech.

It was to make everyone impatient and angry. I read or heard something about... I mean, Hitler didn't really wake up very early most of the time. He liked to lie in. Oh, it also depends if we're talking about heavily medicated era Hitler or not. Okay. I mean, I'm talking pre... It's like talking about Elvis, isn't it?

Yeah, people are going, no, Elvis was fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean like pre-war Hitler, like campaigning Hitler. Donald Trump era, currently Hitler. Right, right, right. Okay, yeah, yeah, sure. As opposed to he's done it and he's in a bunker and he's going, and pointing at a map, you know.

That's too late. He's done it then. He's figured it out. I still need to watch Downfall. Downfall's great. I've seen the Downfall memes maybe 20,000 times but I've never actually seen

Downfall the film. It's an amazing film. It's the first time Hitler was portrayed by a German. I think. Interesting. That's an interesting point. Very controversial. As he would have wanted, of course. That's why it was controversial.

I would have... Yeah controversial just a colorblind casting for Hitler but in terms of the FOMO thing what I meant was like do you ever read about like it reminded me of because you're talking about how math is about practice, right? Mm-hmm. And I was reading about, you know,

every now and then you'll hear about in the news or you'll read about, like, a brilliant young mathematician has solved the crumple stinks theorem. Yeah. And they're always, like, under 30. Yeah. yeah and they're always like under 30 uh i yeah i'm i've not kept tally of their age i've read basically i looked into it and apparently like the vast majority of solving these incredibly complex theorems is done by people in their teens and 20s people on masters or phd programs yeah they need a young brain i think i

think right and they joke that it's a bit like athletics that if you're if you're older than a certain age like you're not going to solve any of these generational um equation problems like these huge theorems you're kind of done if you're like 35 and trying to do it your brain's too dusty now interesting yeah it's got too many presuppositions and presumptions. Yeah, you've let it go all creaky. And I read that and I was like, no. Well, I guess in the back

of your mind you thought you might be able to solve Ferma or whatever. I think Ferma is solved now... I think someone did solve Fermat. Did you think at some point you might give it a go? Yeah, maybe as a retirement project.

I just remember, like, reading that and thinking, well, until I knew this, I knew that the likelihood of me being able to solve anything complex and mathematical was approaching zero. But now it is zero. So it was turning something into certainty that made me go,

oh, well, that's 100% not possible now then. I wonder if I can teach you to integrate, like My Fair Lady or something. I'll do a bet. I'll do a bet with a guy in a top hat. No, you have to do a bet with another Asian guy. You can teach a white humanities graduate to integrate. But you know, people don't bet each other enough these days.

There used to be a time, I swear there was a century, where every day two don't bet each other enough These days There used to be a time I swear there was a century where every day Two men would bet each other That one couldn't do a thing And they'd go off and do it We need to do that more now We should start betting more Wagers, gone is the day of the wager

People bet now sure but on sports And political outcomes But there aren't enough wages anymore. Do you know what I found out the other day? You know bookies and stuff, like if you bet on the election or on a sports game? Yeah. They, like,

technically speaking, they have no legal obligation to pay out. Oh. They have, like, a kind of presumption that they're going to pay out, which does carry some legal weight. And there's lots of scenarios where they should. But there's also loads and loads of scenarios where they just go, no.

Right. And I guess I just have to weigh it against the damage to their image, their reputation. Yeah, I was amazed. I was absolutely astonished. But I remember there's a book of like crazy wages from, yeah, damage to their image their reputation yeah i was amazed i was absolutely astonished but i remember there's there's a book of like yeah yeah there's a book of like crazy wages from yeah like the victorian era the the height of wagery and uh two guys in a gentleman's club

bet each other like 100 quid which back then was loads um which of two raindrops would hit the bottom of a windowsill first because they were that bored. Oh, my God. Yeah. We could do that kind of thing. We could bring that back. What should we wager on? We could do a Bud Pod wager.

There was that story of a guy. I think he was in America in the Wild West or whatever. I don't know. But he'd go around doing wages and making money. He'd always win the wages because they were sort of cleverly designed for him to win. And one was predicting which sugar cube a fly would land on. And he would think about it with his finger on his lip, and he touched the sugar cube that he predicted the fly would land on,

and without fail, the fly would go zip, and it would land on the sugar cube he'd selected, and he made loads of money doing this, but all he was doing was he was wetting his finger, doing this. But all he was doing was he was wetting his finger and then wetting the sugar cube which released some kind of smell

or, you know. And the fly would follow it and suck up this sugar. Well, spit digests, the enzymes in spit digest sugar, primarily. So that'll be what that is.

Amylase! Yes, it'll make it all stinky like sugar smell. The fly will go, oh, and like a big cartoon pie. Oh! With the finger made of steam. Yes, and it'll float up in the air with his arms hanging down and float over to the yeah yeah exactly well what should we like what should we wager on if we're going to do a wager

let's let's do a bud pod wager what should what what it's hard to do without without when it's literally illegal to hang out with people well this is the thing there's not very much you know it's not really covered secure to be of training street urchins in the arts of dining etiquette or whatever so we're training we're gonna have to think of something huh i don't know like training street urchins to let urchins to like wash their hands and deliver vaccine doses and stuff. Right, yeah, exactly. I guess we could... I mean, there was a time we could have bet on a vaccine,

which vaccine was going to get to phase three trials first. Which vaccine causes the zombie virus, maybe. That could be good. Yeah, that'd be a fun wager. But then, once we hit a zombie apocalypse, I'm not sure how much. That could be good. Yeah, that'd be a fun wager. But then, once we hit a zombie apocalypse, I'm not sure how much money it'll be worth. Yeah, we'd have to wager in

fresh eggs or bullets or something. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes. Did you ever... Which zombie apocalypse would you prefer to deal with? The sprinting ones or the slow ones that are a bit magical? Oh, the slow ones, obviously. Easy.

But here's my... It's an easy question until you remember that the slow ones are kind of magical. So this is the original voodoo-style zombie. Well, like, the fast ones are essentially people with a disease, right? Yeah. Whereas the slow ones, they can keep moving their arm even when it is a Skellington arm. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay.

I see, I see, I see. But I think them being slow, it is such an advantage. I see I see I see but I think them being slow it is such an advantage for us the survivor to escape them and I mean which just means we have to burn them right it means we probably

can't bludgeon them to death in the head but we just have to burn them I think smashing in the head works or just chopping them up generally but yeah, you can't stab them or anything. But you just said that if the arm comes off, it's still alive

so chopping them up doesn't work. It does, but if you watch movies that are based around that type of zombie, the arm's going like and they go and they kick it off into a corner. Yeah, and that's not very much a lone arm can do, can it? Oh, many's the man who said such a thing, Phil, and lived to regret it. Famous last words.

Famous last words. Who do you think invented wanking? A lone arm. Shall we look at some emails? Yes, yes Correspondence I don't know what it is about Gmail But there's a thing where if the emails are old enough

it just decides to forget what the images attached are oh it's just to free up space isn't it I guess but then let me look at them it's just going no we don't know that anymore I mean is there anything oh really you can't even retrieve them no it won't load them that's what I mean

oh I see it just goes no can't even retrieve them? No, we won't load them, that's what I mean Oh, I see It just goes, no, can't do that Something went wrong, try again later So patronising Fix it then Something went wrong, what went wrong? Oh, try again later So whatever went wrong is just fixed by

Going and having a cup of tea Is it? Ridiculous suggestion. Later? I want it now! You know what? Um... You know, the adage is the definition of madness is

repeating an action and expecting a different result. Yes. But in the age of computing, repeating an action is a completely valid approach to a problem. Because there are so many variables at play in modern computing that by turning something off and on, classic, or just closing something, opening it again, or just hitting a button again, it can fix it. So I think, in a way, computers are the end of that definition of madness. And maybe computers are the end of madness completely. are the end of madness completely.

Maybe that is why madness is now a reasonable approach to life because computers have taken the definition of madness and made it valid. It made it a valid approach to life. They've poisoned the way

the causality of the universe. That's right. Yeah, I think that's right. That's right. Yeah, I think that's right. I saw... I can't remember what country it is, but it is something... Maybe it's the Solomon Islands. They've just banned Facebook.

Oh, thank God. In the name of national unity. Do you mean they cut it in half if it's the Solomon Islands? Yeah. They said, we're going to cut Mark Zuckerberg in half, and he went, okay, okay, okay.

You can ban it. I think it's the Solomon Islands. The parliament was like, we're going to ban Facebook in the name of national unity, which might be the excuse of a dictatorship. I haven't looked into it, but it sounds like it makes a lot of sense. I think we should do the same. it makes a lot of sense. I think we should do the same. There's a strong

stopped clock quality to dictatorships. Sometimes they get something very right. Yeah. They're able to just push through annoying or loud or difficult things

like highways or banning Facebook. Yes. Yes. Yeah, well, good luck to the Solomon Islands with Instagram and Twitter. So, we have an email from MattTheSplat2. He's emailed us before.

I think you might have called him MattTheSplat. Yes, I think I remember MattTheSplat. So, this email is MattTheSplat2 to the Borneo connection. Oh, interesting. Consider my interest piqued. He says, dear Wangostura bitters. Yes, I like it a lot.

I'm quite bitter. And Piera404. Oh, like Era404 He says I'm so glad that you both enjoyed Dubai-Area Oh yeah yeah yeah As did the wonderful Glenn Moore That's how long it's been since we heard from Matt the Splat

Although this email was sent a long time ago as well Yeah Matt the Splat's very talented at his What is it called? Combining two words. Oh, oh, portmanteau. A portmanteau! Yes, he is.

Yes, he's so glad we enjoyed Dubai, Ria. Hearing Pierre's dulcet baritone say the words I wrote aloud, especially hot bum piss, has undoubtedly been the height of my lockdown. Yeah. Yeah. Mine too.

I thought I would share two poo stories from my time in Borneo, given Phil's former residence and Kinabalu show. Oh, yes. Great. I have done many a diary in Borneo myself. Too many to count. Too many to retell, great. I have done many a diary in Borneo myself. Too many to count. Too many to retell, really.

Which to pick, which to pick. He says, so these are his two poo stories from Borneo. The first is short and sweet and involves a monkey. I like that. That sounds like a pick up line Hey baby you wanna have a good time? You wanna come back to my place? It's short and sweet and involves a monkey Let's just say it's short, sweet

And involves a monkey So he says The first is, sweet, and involves a monkey. So he says the first is short and sweet and involves a monkey. The second is arguably the worst day of my life. Wow. Yeah. Strong stuff. Okay.

Let's start with the monkey, as we all should. For part of my trip, I volunteered at Sepilok orangutan sanctuary wow no way what a small world do you know the that orangutan sanctuary yes sepilok is in uh sandakan i think i think it is um yeah in pesaba and it's um the premier orangutan sanctuary in the region, if not the world. Oh, wow. Okay, so it's the orangutan Hilton. It really is. I think that's a place where... I can never remember if my mother saw this or she just told me the story of a man who...

Just some asshole guy who kept bothering the orangutans, kept throwing stuff at them, shouting at them. bothering the orangutans, kept throwing stuff at them, shouting at them, and eventually this orangutan had enough and just sort of calmly swung down to the platform where he was stood and just reached up and just bit him in the face. And far enough.

It just went, no, swing. Ah! Just a little bite to go away. That's so funny. Okay, so this is a premier orangutan hotel where orangutans can relax and be themselves. They can be the orangutans they're always meant to be. Anyway, so he says, for part of my trip, I volunteered at Sepulok Orangutan Sanctuary, be the orangutans they'd always meant to be anyway so he says for part of my trip I volunteered

at Sepulok Orangutan Sanctuary not as a monkey cuddler sadly but instead I helped to construct a bridge to a new observation area this meant long days to get your face bitten on well that's it get your face and biting distance baby this meant long days of hard work in close

proximity to the apes themselves, who would often try and steal your lunch. Bullies, bullies. The staff loo was essentially a shed, so I would often sneak off to the tourist centre for a good old-fashioned luxury crap. Fair enough. Ooh, enjoy.

Treat yourself The far cubicle had a small Rectangular window that could open A crack, for when you're opening Your crack Presumably to let out The stench of turds and 90 degree humidity God, it must hang in the air

In that level of humidity Oh, it really does It the air in that level of humidity. Oh, it really does. It really gives structure to your stinks. It really gives every smell a backbone. Yeah. Heftiness. Backbone. That is horrid, yeah.

Like farting in the shower, but forever. forever. One afternoon, I snuck away from the construction site to clear myself out, and settled down in the windowed cubicle with nary a care to the world. They say that they say that if you gaze into

the eyes of an ape You can see the intelligence And the very soul of humanity Well As it turns out You can also see disgust Which I learned when Feeling like I was being watched

I looked up and saw an enormous orange creature Through the window watching me shit Wow Wow What an experience I looked up and saw an enormous orange creature through the window watching me shit. Wow. Wow. What an experience. That's amazing. The tourist center was on the edge of the park, which itself was on the edge of the rainforest.

The orangutans at the park, once old enough to be released into the wild, would usually stay relatively close to the sanctuary so they could come back for food. One such orangutan was in one of the trees nearby, peering in at me. God, can you imagine? What's he doing in there? Just a orangutan. Why is he doing it into that bowl?

What a creep. What a creep. What a weirdo. Why don't you just shoot into his hand like a normal guy? That's a water bowl, for God's sake. We stared at each other for a few long seconds. His distinctive plate-shaped face flecked with sadness and anger for having to see this.

And my mouth and anus agape. Being walked in on by a person while having... Being walked in on by a person while having a poo is demeaning, but being watched by an orangutan feels abhorrent. I have never felt so small or insignificant as I did that moment, a moment I shared with an endangered and majestic beast. It must be like... It must feel like nature itself has caught you.

Your mother nature, Gaia, herself, has caught you doing a shit. Yeah, and it must feel a bit like an orangutan watching you do a shit is the mother nature version of that fake advert where the native american has a single tear when they litter the orangutan's like

why would you do this this is awful I wonder if orangutans this. This is awful. But I mean, these are also... I wonder if orangutans... Do they throw poo as of missiles? Maybe this orangutan was just disgusted at Matt

the Splat's waste of good ammunition. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Also, did you know the Native American in that classic advert where he cries a single tear is a I think he's a Sicilian guy oh really

they didn't even hire a fucking real Native American they were just like nah we'll get an Italian that's why he's crying in the advert he's like I'm not even Native American I'm not even a Native American yeah they got an Italian cockney to do it Native American. I'm not even a Native American. Yeah, they've got an Italian cockney to do it.

I'm not a Native American at all. This is unbelievable. Why would you throw something, a bit of litter on the ground when you could put it in a bin, innit? No, don't. That takes bloody hundreds of years to decompose. What are you doing? It's not even biodegradable that bag so he says he felt very judged

that being said later that day the very same orangutan with a plate shaped face climbed into the back of a flatbed truck and drank some washer fluid so who's laughing now cleanest bowels in the jungle yeah exactly absolute bubbles they call them bubbles now just to be clear he says it didn't die

so that's good I mean it says a lot about my relationship with animals that I didn't care I didn't care either way you had no questions. You were happy for it to be dead. Or alive, I want to specify.

I am not malicious. I'm apathetic towards animals. Yes, you nothing them. Yes. Yes, okay. Yeah, that will not please the animal people Either way, interestingly, they won't be happy with ambivalence Yeah

Same way fundamentalists feel about atheists You're not ambivalent No, I like certain animals Which ones? I like orangutans Sure I like certain animals. Which ones? I like orangutans. Sure. I like dogs.

Yeah. I like humans, Phil. I turned on the news today and, well, I wanted it to be news, but there was some story about a veteran army dog that had a medal. And I almost said I lied loud for God's sake. It was just this dog that it had saved a bunch of people in Afghanistan and everyone was going

oh it's an amazing dog it's really sacrificed a lot as you can see from his prosthetic leg and I was just like I don't... You're pathetic! You're pathetic! So what?

Who cares? Pathetic! Grow up! You've got such a... Well, actually, that's not fair. I was going to say you've got such a developing country attitude to animals. But I think that there's all sorts of

like pro animal thank you for being awesome festivals in like india and stuff maybe you just like what is your attitude is it just chinese or what i don't know what it is i i am in general i'm i'm irritated by anyone's enthusiasm about anything. Yes, okay, so that's a good starting point, isn't it? To be annoyed by the oogly-googly animal's enthusiasm. Yeah, I don't like... I mean, the thing about it, I don't like anyone... I don't really enjoy other people who are having a good time in any sense.

So, like, if I'm out on the street and there's a bunch of people going, yeah, just having a good time, I hate them so much. And I think maybe that extends to people who just are made happy by their pets. I'm just irritated by it. I've told you before that I find the happiness of others a direct insult at me.

Yes, because you immediately have to figure out why you're not as happy, right? I think that's it. I think that's it. It forces you to ask a tough question of yourself. A difficult question I don't want to answer. Oh, man. a difficult question i don't want to answer oh man yeah i mean i get that with some i completely see your point of view with certain animals that's why i'm not ambivalent i'm like pro or anti or like i have an opinion on them there's some animals people like and i'm like that just looks like a bug that's nothing i i i i there's a scale of course for dogs i mean if i encounter a very smart

calm dog i'm a big fan i'm a big fan i have to say if it's like got kind eyes and it doesn't it isn't blah blah blah blah blah if it's not doing that i'm i'm on side but if it's like a yappy little piece of shit i want to i also i honestly want to crush its skull But if it's like a yappy little piece of shit, I honestly want to crush its skull. Like if it's a yappy little scratchy chihuahua kind of thing, I just want to stomp on its head. It's like a rat to me. I have no automatic sentiment or attraction to it. A dog, just for being

a dog. It has to prove itself on its own merit, if you know what I mean. Yeah, the dog will earn it on a case-by-case basis, I suppose. Some dogs with big eyes, to me, look like flies.

It's like you've got a leash on a big fly. I just see Ren from Ren and Stimpy. Yes! I just see a little tiny thing with that kind of voice and I just want to Which goes

some way to explain the unnatural levels of aggression directed at Ren from ren and in the show that's actually quite realistic now um so just uh matt's matt's second uh tale which he says was the worst day of his life okay he says my second tale takes deep uh takes place deep in the heart of the sabo rainforest where a group of intrepid explorers and I were trekking under the auspices of our local guides, Lex and Gilbert.

Yep. Good Sabahan names. Just like good, like, Old Testament fucking names. Yes. After well over a week, we had a particularly tough day's trek across hilly terrain,

and we were in almost unbearable humidity. Four hours in, I was starting to wonder if I'd ever stop sweating, and all I could think about was putting one foot in front of the other, and suddenly I was pulled from my daze. I heard buzzing. Oh. Bees. I looked to my left, and I saw a hornet the size of my thumb hovering next to my face yuck

yes yes yes yes then I felt the first sting it was the back of my head that'll teach you to go in the rainforest fuck the rainforest in terms of visiting it keep it growing I'm not coming yes yes yes it can make my air but I'm not going there

that's my slogan. That's the full Wang Green Forest slogan. Yeah, it can make my air, but I'm not going there. Yeah. It was on the back of my head, he says, the sting. It was one of the worst pains I've ever felt in my life. Over the next few seconds, everyone in the group started shouting, oh, fuck, oh, Jesus Christ. As it turned out, one of our party had put her foot through a massive hornet's nest.

Oh! No! The air around us was filled with massive furious dickheads. Oh my God. Oh yeah, great, great. Whose sole purpose in life was to sting the ever-loving shit out of us. At this point,

Gilbert shouted, run for your lives! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! to sting the ever-loving shit out of us. At this point, Gilbert shouted, Run for your lives! When the local guide is freaking out, that's when you know you should be scared. Run for your lives! He says, A phrase that I had assumed was only used in campy disaster movies and we all ran off in different directions screaming that's great isn't it to actually hear that phrase in life run for your lives run for your lives

as if it's it's like it's urgent enough that you're saying run but it's not so urgent that you can't say run for your lives, but you also feel the need to specify because that's how dangerous it is. Yeah, and having the wherewithal, the commitment of effort to say for your lives. It's important enough that people know this is to stay alive, that I'm going to spend extra energy and time saying for your lives. Run! For your lives! Yeah. Run! For your lives!

Yeah. Run! For your lives! I'm going to get another hornet sting on my anus saying this. So he says, about two hours later, Gilbert and Lex had managed to locate all of our party and things were not well.

Our medic had been stung seven times and her previously quite pretty face now looked like John McCruric, the elephant man. What? How does that even happen? In profile, I'm guessing, not like stood up. Yeah, yes. Yeah, okay, yeah, I get that. Ugh. Anyway, we didn't have enough morphine for everyone,

so it was decided that those who had been stung more than three times were allowed some morphine, and the rest of us would have to make an emergency camp. I had been stung three times. I was not allowed some morphine and the rest of us would have to make an emergency camp i had been stung three times i was not eligible for morphine for the next few hours the less stung trekkers and i hacked down trees with our parangs to make a camp all the while in agony from the stings by contrast those on morphine were having an amazing time commenting on how pretty the trees were, having laughing fits, or just falling asleep and dribbling on themselves. The story so far is not meant as a self-congratulatory tale of heroism,

but to give context for a terrible decision I made that night. Despite being completely exhausted, I struggled to sleep. My head was throbbing like a bowling ball on a bass speaker, and the adrenaline was still coursing through me. I had never been, and have never been since, so upset to realize that I needed a poo. No. Yeah, no thanks.

You see, he's going to shit on the hornet nest, isn't he? He's going to poo right on top of a hornet nest. I know now. I know already. Yeah, and the hornet's going to go, How many times do I have to teach you this lesson, old man? Like from Spongebob. When setting up camp, I had dug a long

drop in a small clearing nearby. All evening, those not on morphine and thus not constipated had been using it. The combination from the stings, no, the combination of nausea from the stings and prime grade Malaysian corned beef

that we'd had for dinner meant obsessed they're obsessed with corned beef why just from the war I don't know

I never had yeah I think so I never had any myself but like my friends when I was a kid for like lunch their packed lunch would be corned beef sandwiches yeah that's classic that's empire food i've been reading a book about

um this lady uh who was in pre-war borneo and she talks about her tin of bully beef all they ever had was bully beef which sounds nice and I looked it up it was disgusting oh yeah tinned beef like tinned beef paste yeah oh yeah absolutely awful and revolting

the historian James Holland decided to make a sort of little British, like World War II rations biscuit thing. Like you would get like, yeah, bully beef and these kind of hard tack biscuits and whatever, like a kind of Normandy campaign era rations pack. And to make it like palatable, they knew from like soldiers' diaries what you had to do.

You had to boil this and boil that and then mix this and mix that and he followed all the directions um and he tried it and he said it was just he'd rather it was like eating vomit he said it was the worst still the worst thing in the world just disgusting oh man so he says um the combination of nausea from the stings and prime grade Malaysian corned beef we had for dinner meant that this particular long drop was less of a loo and more of a swirling cauldron of evil.

Evil spirits coming out of everyone's ass. Whoa! Just the ghosts of all the cows. No! the ghosts of all the cows. No! In my state of profound discomfort and exhaustion, I remembered where the

loo was, but I forgot about the state of it, which is why I decided to go shoeless. That's the sound of one of the cow ghosts. I would never go shoeless in the fucking rainforest. Yeah, that's the sound of one of the cow ghosts. I would never go shoeless in the fucking rainforest. Yeah, especially after that day. After the prime event of that day, which was stepping in a hornet's nest.

I'd be extra vigilant about shoes. I would sleep in my shoes. I sleep in a big shoe. Yeah, there was a young Phil who lived in a shoe And it was lovely Yeah, and he didn't get stung He says I donned my head torch and I shuffled off into the night

Mosquitoes and midges filled the air around my face And blurred my vision Causing me to stumble into trees and bushes As I wandered on I became increasingly concerned I couldn't see the long drop or recognize the clearing. Then, the stench. Aha, I thought, I must be near.

Just as I finished that thought, I felt my foot sink into the earth. No, no. I had just walked, literally, into the loo. What about the drop? Isn't it a big, like a a big trench a A big trench

Well he said he dug it himself I mean Digging Digging a single trench In an open field Takes you know Eight men all day So one dude in the jungle

Full of roots This thing was what A foot deep Maybe two So a short drop A very short drop Yeah Short enough that he didn't

Die I guess Uh By falling in Uh As I dredged my foot out of the foul wet sludge My initial concerns were gangrene and rot As my feet were bloodied and cracked From many a day's trekking I hate this story

But I rallied, calling the loo a bastard And set to the matter at hand I squatted over the hole And I looked down But I rallied, calling the loo a bastard and set to the matter at hand. I squatted over the hole, and I looked down. An enormous centipede was on my shit-covered foot. I hate the jungle. I hate the jungle.

We shouldn't be there. We shouldn't be there. We, our species should not be in there anymore. Keep out of it. Let them get on with it. Jeez. This is why people in the UK don't appreciate just how amazing it is to just be able to walk in the forest here, or just to walk in a field,

and not worry about dying, or catching something deadly, or being stung with one of the Guinness World Records 50 worst pains possible or whatever. Yeah, I mean the UK's wildlife is like the wildlife you'd let on a space station.

It's so managed. British wildlife is in British wildlife is in like children's books and Malaysian Wildlife is in military manuals I think it says very much about the animal which book

it's in also the Malaysian Jungle or the Borneo Jungle is I think just where they send the SAS. What, for training? Yeah. Yeah, makes sense.

What's the weird kingdom on Borneo that's on its own? Brunei. Brunei, yeah. Yeah, the SAS is sent, I think, to the jungle part of their training is in Brunei, under the Sultan of Brunei. They have a whole relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it says something when your countryside is where we send the SAS to get rid of the weakest members.

Yeah. That's, you know... It's amazing how gentle the people are. You know, people in Borneo are very Gentle even though Their immediate surroundings Are like A level of hell

One of the levels of hell Oh yeah maybe that's why They can see how horrible it would be To be like a jungle hornet So they go well I wouldn't they can see that how horrible it would be to be like a jungle hornet so they go well i won't do that yeah maybe it keeps them humble maybe that's why some people in the uk are so rude because they're like there's nothing in a hundred miles i can't kill with my hands that's yeah that's a good point that's a good point maybe that's it um so he so where are we matt is squatting over the hole. His foot is covered in shit.

He's decided to keep shitting anyway in the dark. And he looks, and there's an enormous centipede on his shit-covered foot. Causing me to recoil, he says. That very shit-covered foot slipped, and I fell bum-first into the loo. And the centipede went up his anus i just know it a scorpion went up his penis yep i hauled myself up from the puddle of torrid cack and saw that my ass cheeks now resembled the ends of two large eclairs dipped in chocolate at this point i realized I had forgotten the toilet paper, and I gently started to cry. I don't blame him.

I don't blame him. I would have started crying the second I stepped foot in the jungle, even before any of the bees happened. I would have just been like... You would have been like the omen for everyone else in the group what's that? like you would have been the omen that the trip's going to go wrong

like oh our native friend is it just he seems to know something about the jungle that we don't perhaps it's horrible so horrible yes okay he starts to cry it took all of my mental resilience to summon the strength

to waddle to my rucksack to get my loo roll desperately not trying to spread liquid shit everywhere and waddle back to the long drop and do the best form of clear up that I could I went back to bed, cold, tired, and stinking. But in the morning, I'd find somewhere to wash and get the medic to look at my foot. For now, after a long and deeply traumatic day, I could sleep. It was around five minutes

later that I realized I hadn't even done my own shit. Oh, man. Your body put it aside because I had so much more to deal with. Yeah. In emergency mode, your body went, we'll do this later. Oh, my God. Imagine that. So, like... See, I hadn't even done my own shit.

I'm not ashamed to say that I started to cry again. With one final effort, I dragged myself out of bed, and back I went. Only this time with sandals. Okay, well... Too little, too late, but better than nothing. Do you know what I like to think, Phil? Hmm? I like to think that that same orangutan from the first story was just watching him. I was hoping it would swing down with a roll of toilet paper like that

and then just hand it over to Matt and then just give him a wink and then swing away. Two types of movie. there's one type of movie where that happens although i'd like to imagine that the orangutan would swing down hand him the loo roll and then go like and shake his head at him like god's sake and then swing away because from the orangutan's point of view this guy's just got up and gone and not put any shoes on and then just just run into a toilet, splash poo everywhere, seen a centipede and gone, instead of eating it,

and then just fallen in the poo again. And then gone back. And then run back again, and then run back, and then run back again. The orangutan would just be like, God, I've got to step in here. Or in a sort of horror movie version,

like after the end of all of that, the camera pans up to the tree above his hammock and the same orang-tanks there just watching him still just furious that this guy keeps shitting where he is ominous music plays Matt says keep up the good work and thank you from the bottom of my heart

for keeping us entertained during lockdown thank you praise redacted very nice thank you Matt lots of love to you both Matt the splat God what a Matt the splat lives up to his name once again splatting all over the world

there's something yeah there's something about the idea of being that dirty and and in pain in yeah 90 to 100% humidity. It's such an unpleasant, uncomfortable climate. And to go out into the jungle in it and then get stung by wasps and then fall in shit and then get a centipede on you. Get a centipede on your foot. And then the fact that, like, not only is it that hot and that sweaty and there's all these other issues, but that you're just kind of always being bitten.

Forever. Yeah. Just little things are biting you forever. You don't get, like, they can vary in size, at the best case scenario is that the thing that bites you is small unless it's a horsefly oh yeah the bite is like enormous i mean yeah yeah i was just i was getting bitten all the time there just all the time if i wanted to play playstation in the on on the um outside veranda there i'd have to light a fucking mosquito coil and then add so i was just breathing in like mosquito repellent fumes as i played metal gear solid or whatever because otherwise i just get

bitten all night yeah yeah go to bed those mosquito coils are quite cool. Do you know why a horsefly's bite is so bad? No. Do they leave a bit of their teeth in there or something? No, it doesn't use a proboscis. It has two big praying mantis-style sword arms that it just hacks away at you and then drinks from the wound. It doesn't actually sting. It kind of slashes.

Ugh. Yeah. It's like, yeah, it's like the bad guy from Halloween or whatever. It's just like... Was it Jason? Was his name? Oh, the...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the mask. Yeah. The bug equivalent. Bug Jason? Bug Jason, yeah. And we'll do one final one final little email from

Ben. Ben! here we are as men. Again. He says, hi, Pierre and Feckhill. Feckhill. Yeah. F-E-C-H-I-L. He's written it.

Oh, like fecal. Oh. Hi, Pierre and fecal oh yes okay very good from Tokyo Japan oh yeah very cool I don't know have we had Japanese

correspondents before I think we might have had one or someone who was there for a bit but I'm not sure yeah great yeah I think we might have had one or someone who was there for a bit, but I'm not sure. Yeah. Great. Yeah. He says, I have to admit, I was a later plopter. Very nice.

I like a later plopter. That's very good. Having only discovered your show at episode 57. However, I was so enamored with it that i leapt headfirst into the stinky mudslide and have diligently caught up with 50 odd hours of piping hot chat that you've curled out onto your podcast platform thank you thank you very good recently he says i have tried suggesting it to a few friends, but as with any unsolicited hilarious podcast recommendation, it seems to have fallen on deaf ears.

Yeah, yeah, I think people are sick to the teeth of recommendations. Someone even suggested he would purposely never listen just out of principle. I get it, I understand. I get it, I get it. I felt the same way. I feel guilty I may have inadvertently lost you a potential pod bud through my naive proselytizing perhaps a shout out to josh living his best bum bum life in sweden would persuade him to join in the frivolity his narcissism likely outweighing his spitefulness

well i mean in order for him to hear the shout out he would have needed to he needs to try the podcast he needs to listen to the podcast so i don't know how he's true unless unless unless he's going to right so if he finds out he's been mentioned on it then he might yeah and excited now yeah he has an excited ben sends him a clip or something uh warmly jacking it ben um thank you for proselytizing anyway though ben and and indeed it's been it's been tens of episodes since we've said it but do uh subscribe on itunes and rate us five stars oh of course yeah yeah i forgot those those i forgot about those heady days of of inviting uh the five stars please yes um do give us five stars regardless of how good you think this is. We don't care.

It's an uber five stars. You had a podcast and you listened to it and it happened. It happened. The truth matters, but not in this one case. In this one case, just give us five stars. And subscribe. Yes, and subscribe. I do.

And I have. And if I can find time in my busy day to subscribe to our podcast and give us five stars then i think you can too all right yes exactly exactly so do that and uh we don't uh mind too much if after that you just the second it beams into your phone you delete it it in fury. The point is. And. The subscription. Throw your phone in a river.

It doesn't matter. Yeah. Do it. Yeah. Whatever. But yes. That's it. Thank you Matt.

The splat. And thank you Ben. And. See you guys. What. Next week. It'll be just the day. Like the day before lockdown ends.

In England. Or on the day. Yeah. And we move into like some identical tier you know but it's back to tears again i wonder what i don't know where i've i've not i've not even kept i don't know where london's at now numbers wise i think yeah i think there's rising cases but i mean i don't know they'll they'll just make it up as they go along anyway um and another vaccine i wonder what vaccine will be next episode or the new vaccine will be your next episode disney maybe disney will have a vaccine next episode or yeah the mickey mouse vaccine that'll be good be good. Imagine you're under the microscope.

You look at someone who's been inoculated with the Mickey Mouse vaccine, just hoo-hoo-hoo, hoo! It's just like all these little Mickey Mouse heads going and attacking antigens. It's shaped like three circles where it's like one's the head and two are the ears. Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Just that noise as they eat a coronavirus of course the crucial part of this vaccine is what's called the the ear protein um it uses the ear protein right um yeah yeah it uses both of

the ear circles to surround the virus and smush it between the ears before using it. What register is Mickey Mouse at? Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Very high. I'm a tenor. How are you reaching higher pitches than I am? Hoo! I have to go into falsetto there. It doesn't work. I can do very high-pitched noises.

I just can't do them in tune. Interesting. Hoo! Hoo! Okay! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! them in tune interesting okay yeah that's like that's like countertenor range where you're at is it it's pretty high oh cool i didn't know that it's it's you have to like kind of um i i kind of jink jink my my jaw down a little bit and what did you call my throat I kind of jink my jaw down a little bit and shut the top of my throat. Huh? I said, what did you call me when you said jink?

It was just a little joke. Yeah, just push my jaw down and kind of shut the top of my throat and go, oh, sure thing. No, I can do it. I can do it. I'm all closed up. I'm all closed up.

But yeah, the new vaccine from Oxford is very good it doesn't have to be stored at fucking fortress of solitude temperatures and it comes back to you that's the thing yeah it's like yeah it's actually it's actually the best one

isn't it it's the best one by far because it doesn't have to be stored in ice in a single block of ice and like a villain is it literally like two quid yeah it's like fucking two quid or something ridiculous all the other ones like 15 quid or 20 quid and they have to be at minus 70 and the queen has to give them with her mouth you know whereas this one it, it's an absolute discount pint of beer, this thing. Amazing. Really good stuff.

Really good stuff from some university. I've forgotten which one. But it's not important. What matters is that it works. It's true. All right. You know they found that it gets to 90% effectiveness if the first dose is half a dose and then the second dose is a full dose. Yeah. They found that out by accident.

They'd accidentally given a bunch of people half a dose the first time around. It's amazing, isn't it? And then just continued. But then thought, let's see how this turns out. And yeah, it for some reason gives you a better result. amazing isn't it and then just continued but then thought let's see how this turns out and it yeah it's for some reason gives you a better a better result the the the guy was just saying like we think maybe it's because it's more like how you'd meet a virus like in the wild like you wouldn't get a big dose directly into your bloodstream you'd get like a little maybe give your body more

time or something but it's funny that even at this level with this amount of urgency they're just like it's probably because of this but then again we've made that up yeah anyway see you all next week subscribe and rate us 5 stars

and stay alive stay alive until at least 95 that's right okay cheers guys bye bye