BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 92 - Maritime Casualty

Episode Date: December 9, 2020

The boys talk vaccines, Billy Shakespeare, Paris Syndrome, Rudy Giuliani's farts, salmon sushi, the impending No Deal, UK's top fish, Skins ruining your self-esteem, recorded history and character acting Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's bud pod 92 92 wine tea poo that's so this is my ideal podcast a wine tea poo a wine tea poo what were you doing in 1992 phil learning to uh write uh in 1992 i was two years old at chubby little digits uh probably coming to terms with having a sister. I was doing the same. Yeah. Interesting. But you had to come to terms with having a sister straight out of the womb. Yes, I had to come to terms with having a sister on arrival

and then two years later again. As I say, you are a sister native. I am a sister... What is it? Adapter. Immigrant? Adapter? Yeah. Yeah, immigrant, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Because you're... Well, yeah, you're the oldest. You're the head of the tribe of sisters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am the alpha. The alpha bro.

Yeah, I'm doing all right. How are you? This is funny. You know, yesterday, the first woman in the world, well first person in the world was vaccinated outside of a trial. Yeah, the old lady. sort of trying to claw back some global reputation by if not inventing the first vaccine to be used, saying it's

alright first. Britain's achievement here has gone saying it'll do. That's what everyone is proud of in the UK right now. Is that we're the first country to go, it'll be fine.

We're the first country to say that the vaccine is safe that doesn't have labour or concentration camps. And that's something. Yeah. That's definitely something. We're the first person at the party to go, well, I'll do it then and sip a strange drink that's right at this point

the international western community isn't even pretending to think about Russia and China when they think about the world they're just freely saying this is the first person to be vaccinated outside of trials

even though that's not true if you count Russia and China, but we're like, you know what, fuck those guys. Yeah, the West has collectively agreed that what they're doing is still trials, it's just that they've made it involve the army and a bunch of peasants. Yep, and I'm happy to use the peasants. First peasant was a lady called Margaret Keenan, and then the second was a guy called William Shakespeare. Can you imagine hearing that news in America?

And the first man to be vaccinated is a man from England called William Shakespeare. I guess it must be a common name over there. Yeah, I can't bear to imagine the amused news reports. Yeah, they must have signed off the stories. And that man's name? One William Shakespeare. Back to you in the studio yeah and then it cuts back to a guy whose hair looks like it's made of plastic he'll go well uh maybe we'll be uh seeing a play about uh vaccines in a sometime in the near future okay uh moving on

to financial news with buck dirkinson or or some other insane name. The bad thing was when the story was broke yesterday morning. So it happened, the first vaccinations happened yesterday morning, and I was in a hotel in Stratford-upon-Avon because I was guesting on a cookery program.

But I was staying over in a hotel, and every hotel in Stratford-upon-Avon, Shakespeare's main place of work, everything is Shakespeare-based. Every fucking hotel is called The Quill's Arms or whatever. Every fucking one. The Clever Man. The Clever Man Inn. The Playwright's Haven.

And this hotel is an exception. was shakespeare themed but also trying to be one of these modern cutesy artsy hotels that just means they have pictures of bird cages everywhere and and and in the room there was a picture of an old picture of uh willing shakespeare but they painted on kanye sunglasses onto him oh that's like a t-shirt yeah and the fire escape plan on the door was written on an old scroll and it literally said escapist planet on the top. No, that can't be legally That can't be It's fire safety

tat. It exists. Fire safety tat. An intersection between fire safety and Shakespeare tat. So keep in mind, this is the environment I'm already in. And I wake up in the morning. I'm having breakfast.

I'm brushing my teeth. I turn on the TV news. And between the Shakespeare picture and the escapist planet, the news tells me the second person to be vaccinated in the UK is called William Shakespeare. I thought I was losing my fucking mind. And the newsreader who said it was bald except for at the sides and had a goatee and a big puffy collar and he just and then the rest of the news was just

like um being john malkovich they're just going william shakespeare william william shakespeare shakespeare william It's funny when you read about people going to... God, I can't remember what it's called. It's that gallery in Florence. The Uffizi? Yeah, Uffizi. Uffizi, Uffizi. People go to the Uffizi or they go to Jerusalem

and they go mad, Or sometimes Paris as well. They go mad and they have like panic attacks and collapse. Because it's too much and they're too excited and they're too overwhelmed by stimulation. And they just can't cope with it. Well, it's a Paris syndrome. Yes, it's Paris syndrome. I thought that was to do with disappointment. No, well, that's the one that they talk about with Japanese tourists, yeah.

Oh, so this is a different thing. This is like a rapture. Yeah, yeah, sort of, yeah, right, right, right. A cultural sugar rush. Yeah, cultural sugar rush in the Afiz and then in Jerusalem. I think there's a Jerusalem syndrome as well where people start to claim they've heard God talk to them. Yeah, a lot of pressure to be feeling something yeah exactly yeah and also if you're going on holiday to jerusalem to look at churches you're probably already pretty into the whole god

thing if i lived in jerusalem i'd just be following tourists around all day just whispering you know what you did child and then like ducking into an alley when they turn around. You will never be forgiven for what you did. Or just more esoteric stuff. Have you ever heard KFC? That's finger looking good. And the Lord saith so. That's finger looking good, and the Lord saith so.

But then it's funny that you don't hear that about your scenario where people are so overwhelmed by being in a boutique hotel that's near where they think Shakespeare's Cottage was. Yeah. People foaming at the mouth on the floor thinking, this is probably where he thought about two gentlemen of verona and just having to be taken to hospital i i've sort of lost uh yeah i don't feel that significance about a place anymore about sharing a space with someone famous i it kind of means nothing to me now.

I don't know why. Maybe the world feels smaller to me and it doesn't feel so extraordinary that you would occupy the same physical space. Am I making sense? Yeah, I mean, I do know what you mean. The way it only matters to me is if the space is largely the same.

Yes, yes, yes. I think that's a good point. Because then it's like. Oh this is what they were looking at. And then this is how it. Maybe this is how it affected their mindset. When they chose to do XYZ. Whereas if you're just in the middle of like.

The city of London. Where it's all skyscrapers and stuff. And it's like. Somewhere around here. There was an old feasting hall. And you go. Yeah. I can't imagine that.

Because I'm looking at an itsu I mean I guess maybe that's it I think it's London spoiled me I think you're walking around London you can at every step you can say someone stood here and shaped the modern world yes London does spoil you especially if you just

you go around a corner by accident because you're trying to find the nearest McDonald's using an app on your phone that you've downloaded. And you just bump into an ancient Roman wall and then a Civil War cannon or something. Yeah, or like the first bank or whatever. You know, something just unreal. You know, something extraordinary that you just able to learn to know. A statue where you look at it and it's the man who invented just measuring things. What?

And they go, yeah, Jonathan measurements. That's actually where we get the word from. And then you'll get distracted and you look up Jonathan measurements. And then it'll turn out he had this tragic life where no one believed him that things could be measured. And he was like, I'm telling you, I cut it in half and I said there were two of them. And they're like, shut up, Jonathan.

He's always going on about his feet. You know what does affect me is if just going out, you know, if I'm traveling around Europe and go to an old city or something, just like stone steps that have been worn down a lot. That gets me. Because that, you know, it's such a clear indication of all the feet that have rubbed against it over the hundreds of years. I feel, you know, I feel something about that specifically. But being in the same room as a pope,'m like well yeah it's a vatican

well it also depends on how much you care about if a pope does something but then so many of these historical events are you know it could be that it never happened or didn't happen here. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's only the other day I had to try and explain to someone that what they thought King Arthur was wasn't real, but that it wasn't entirely fictional

in the sense that there was very possibly a king a bit like that, but not in the way they thought. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And that's the answer to almost every history question on Earth. Mm-hmm. Was it like this? Yes, but no.

Do you think there is a particular year that you could pinpoint as the end of uncertain history? Do you know what I mean? Ooh. Of the whole world? I mean, to keep it simple, let's say Europe.

The end of uncertain history in Europe? God, that's a good question. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. It's definitely like the earliest you could put it is the early modern era, where people actually started using their goddamn brains. I mean, it's to do with the record keeping mainly right so like what just before the printing press or you know something like that before everything was written down yeah i suppose you could argue like for symbolic reasons gutenberg but then the uncertainty

element remains with like oh but why did why did he do that really like did he was he being cynical or did he really not mean to kill that guy or whatever yeah i mean sort of intention will always be uncertain right yeah but in terms of like record keeping of like dates and events and stuff yeah probably around the probably around the sort of 14 1500s i, I'd say. Right, okay. I mean, that's earlier than I would have thought. Just because we tend to be pretty good on, like, there was a guy, he was called John, and he was the sheriff. And you go, okay, well, that's good, I suppose.

There's no reason you'd lie about that. Yeah, there's no reason you'd lie about that. And there's a lot less mystery about, like, in my field of study, you'd come across stuff where they go, a guy 500 years later says there was a guy who was called John and he was the sheriff of somewhere

where we don't ever see the name of that kingdom again. Yeah. And he was the sheriff of Rumplia. And you go, where the fuck was that? What? And it's just never mentioned again. And the monk's just like, you know, Rumplia. And just moves on to talk about miracles again. Home of never mentioned again. And the monk's just like, you know, Rumply, and just moves on to talk about

miracles again. Home of the great ass. Yeah, and you're like, oh, fuck, and that's it. And then that's literally all you have

until you like, in another thousand years, you dig up a coin with Rumply written on it and you go, aha! And it's a huge thing. And everyone gets very excited. Aha!

I told you it was real! You laughed at me when I spoke of the ass people of Rumpia. But it is true, my Eldorado is real! The Eldorado of ass. That's a really funny thing for someone to say about like rio de janeiro what that is actually real no that's the el dorado el dorado that's good yeah that's the kind of thing i can imagine um a matthew mcconaughey character saying in a horrible film. What? That's the Eldorado of Ass. Yeah, exactly.

We're going to Rio, bro. It's the Eldorado of Ass. And you're like, oh, this is a horrible character. This is going to be like a horrible sort of adventure film. Yeah, this is before the McConaughey Renaissance. This is like Fool's gold or whatever. To be fair, yeah, this is pre-McConnaissance McConaughey. Yes.

Back when all of his roles seemed to involve having a ponytail and tinted glasses. And no T-shirt. And no T-shirt. And no T-shirt, yeah. Here's a fun question phil let's say uh you are a character actor okay which means i'm an actor but i'm too ugly to be in the leading role yeah i'm a good actor but i'm ugly that's what a character actor is yes yes exactly you're really good at acting but you

look too much like someone who i might actually meet yeah exactly so we're talking toby jones we're talking um what's the american one who's in who's with the italian philip simo hoffman philip simo hoffman the short baldy guy with the italian name who was in everything oh um uh i know the guy you mean fuck yeah yeah but but yeah okay so let's say let's say uh there's a scenario in which there's a career there's a line of work for you phil wang character actor but what roles are you the character actor for? That's a good question. In the same way that like you get all those guys who used to be in like

the actual Mafia and they were in Goodfellas once as an extra and then they had a career the rest of their lives playing like Big Danny in just like CSI here and there.

I think I am the main character's sister's decent new boyfriend. Like, I'm fine. I'm a bit... From time to time, I say something a bit rude, but essentially I'm fine and I'm a bit dorky. And ultimately, I'm good for her, but at first you're like, really, this guy?

That's my character actor role. Okay, so the archetype that you're being farmed in for is like... And it's always for Christmas movies about the guy at home. And then you're sort of a slightly square guy. Yeah, but like decent. like you're sort of a slightly square guy yeah but like decent yeah wait like like decent as in like a decent person or decent as in like really like nice uh decent person okay all right and then at the end of the film this it's the we warm to you towards the end of the film because the main character makes a mild joke at your expense and you make a clever mild one back and you both laugh.

Yeah. And that's the first time we sort of break the ice here. Yeah, yes. And then the camera zooms out through the window of the Christmas scene. I'm there to divert the audience's attention from who really is the bad guy of the piece. For a while you think it's me, but you eventually

find out that I'm actually decent. Yes, yes, yes decent yes yes yes yes yes yes that's good that's good what's a lot of work there's a lot of work in that uh what's mine um i don't know the beard kind of narrows your options i think yeah yeah so we haven't quite reached the point where just anyone in a film can have a beard it's still seen as a sort of a character decision that means something i reckon you're like a first mate you're a master and commander like uh oh yeah like any any generic like history thing yeah they go we needed a kind of beard guy but not the long hair beard guy from viking times and they go okay there's this guy i reckon yeah you're

in you swear fealty to queen cersei in one episode of game of thrones you're on your knee in your armor and you swear fealty and then we don't see that character again and it's assumed he just goes off to some ward and he fights for her honor yes yeah it's it's uh they need a character to swear fealty to demonstrate that she's got the loyalty of some new area she's that's exactly it that's exactly yeah yeah you're from a land we've we've only heard about so far and we will never visit. Yeah, it's like a dukedom that in the book is maybe, it gets maybe like 30 pages worth and they're just like, look, we just need to say this

because they keep talking about it later. Yeah. And we can't edit that out because it's the basis of loads of other stuff. So let's just have a quick Neil scene and we can move on. Yes, that's good that's good I will also

maybe you are in the sort of drinking tavern scene at the end of that day where we see the sort of more human raucous side of of your people I will also accept guy whose job is to have like a beard and be standing in a crowd of other sort of bearded working men, like sort of stevedores or miners or fishermen or something.

And then while someone is speaking to a crowd of us, the camera cuts in between close-up shots of our wrinkly faces and beards and squinty eyes as we smoke or chew on a kind of straw or something and you can see in our eyes that we're trying to assess what we think of the speaker who is the main hollywood actor yes yes yes or you're pulling in a fishing hole as an enormous thing bursts out of the sea and the camera rises up and we see the shadow of the thing go over you as you look up, gormless. That's my role, is maritime casualty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.

Maritime casualty. Unfortunate sea captain, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it Maritime casualty Unfortunate sea captain, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Maritime casualty Old-fashioned man Yeah Yeah Yeah, guy from a scene

In which people are singing a kind of Heave-ho song Yeah As they pull a big rope Yeah, that's very much, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah And as long as it's not long ago that people need to have cool long hair Yeah

Although I guess you could, if No, but they wouldn't spend that much money on a wig If you weren't like a main guy, I guess I, um Yeah, yeah Uh They wouldn't spend that much money on a wig if you weren't a main guy, I guess. Yeah, yeah. In Lord of the Rings, they ran out of... Basically, in New Zealand So Small, they ran out of men who could ride horses for all the R riders of rohan scenes yeah and so they had to have um female uh riders but they're all meant to be men all these soldiers

so they just stuck on helmets and wigs on on these ladies and the helmets covered up most of their face and if you're not looking for it they just look normal but once you know that whenever you see the riders of rohan you just look into one of the riders and it's just obviously a woman with a wig sort of glued onto her head it's a fun thing to look out for next time anyway but that's that's what i imagine um happening to you it's funny but it's like most of those women surely had long hair already anyway just but not the right long beard not the like not warrior long hair yeah yeah i mean game of thrones i think i can't remember if i assume this or if i genuinely read that they did this they must have just gone to every like metal bar

in northern ireland and gone get in the truck if you're like a slightly sort of scuzzy looking dude with long hair and a beard and you're just like... When they were filming Game of Thrones in Northern Ireland, it must have been an absolute golden age. Oh, yeah. Every actor in Northern Ireland must have just immediately started growing their hair, surely. Yeah, they had to add blacksmiths To an already blacksmith Heavy story Right maybe it's a meeting of the blacksmith union Was our friend Mick ever in Game of Thrones

He's a Northern Irish actor we know Friend of the pod I think he was I think he was. I think he was, yeah. I'm almost certain he was. I'm sure I remember him tweeting about that. So that's definitely evidence.

It'll be like one of those funny statistics where everyone goes on about how many people Genghis Khan has descended from, where it's like 80% of the Northern Irish population has descended from a Game of Thrones actor. For me growing up as a teenager in the West Country, it was skins. Yes! 80% of teenagers had a scene in skins. Yes, of course they did.

And everyone growing up always was going on about, oh, it was like a skins party. Oh, they're going to have a skins party. Yeah, it just meant a bit gross. Yeah, I still say things are a bit skinsy. If I don't want to go to something, it's a bit skinsy. If you want to avoid it, that's how you describe it.

Yeah, I never ever watched skins. There's a really good little thing that Stuart Lee the comedian made about growing up watching television meant for teenagers and how he thinks television for teenagers now is a lot more alienating

than when he was growing up and he talks about one show he was growing up with which was about a teenage girl who survived the apocalypse and had to traverse the tundra of British debris, of what used to be British society. And he compared that with Skins, and he said, the one about the post-apocalyptic dystopia was a lot less alienating than Skins.

Skins made him feel like a loser, whereas a teenage girl wandering around the apocalypse was actually a lot truer to the teenage experience. And I think he's right. And for that reason, I could never watch Skins because it was like it was too cool it was too sexy

it didn't reflect the teenage experience I had and it just made me feel more alone I always yeah I agree I just thought it was ridiculous and it was just like constant constant bifters and blowjobs whereas the inbetweeners i loved and in between

as i start oh okay i'm fine actually this is this is what real teenager life is like this is about right yeah but it's funny yeah he's absolutely right it's much easier to imagine climbing into a ruined building than confidently getting sex from anyone. It's much more conceivable. Yeah, definitely. I mean, I was thinking that about... Well, as you know,

Phil, but as we have not yet revealed on the pod, I've managed to get myself a new GF. Yeah! Brand new gluten-free for Pierre N'V. Got myself a brand new gluten-free woman. Yes, that's right. So now Pierre can finally live out his skin's fantasies. No longer is he excluded from that sexy, sexy lifestyle I can skateboard

into a bag of weed into a big bag but yes, as a result of that happening I have now seen and I would never normally have watched this, but I'm glad I did, I have now seen and I would never normally have watched this but I'm glad I did

I have now seen Emily in Paris Oh yes, I've watched the first episode of Emily in Paris and it is one of the most alienating things I think I've ever watched Well it isn't tethered to anyone's reality, Emily in Paris so I don't think

anyone relates to it Well no one relates to it but also it is about like it's essentially it is about a very attractive girl using Instagram to be given millions of pounds and sex yeah I mean I guess that is true to a lot of

modern lives if I was a teenager then like the majority of celebrities i'm aware of have used instagram to do that but the difference is that in emily in paris she's just like some dork from like wapachipa county oshigahoe or wherever some you know nowhere town in the midwest you know as as if whereas in real life every time on instagram you see some like 17 year old being like i'm on a jet ski it's made of gold and then you go like wow what a cool random life they have it was if you look into it it's always like oh my uncle's weird friend from business school

leased this from a russian guy and he let me have a go on it and i took a picture oh yeah i mean there is there are services um where you can rent out an like an old cabin of a private jet it's not it's just the cabin on its own really yeah yeah it's just it's on the ground and you can rent it and you go in with your friends and you just take photos like you're in a private jet and then you can post that you're in a private jet. That is insane. It's disgusting. It's pathetic. It's the saddest most pathetic thing I've ever heard of in my life.

And I've booked us in for a session next week. I hope that's alright. You mean the Budpod Gulfstream's maiden flight? Yeah, of course. That'd be really funny, actually. A photo shoot of us in a private jet on the way to a fart convention or whatever. Walking down those steps like Nixon style with our hands up.

Big winter coats and the red carpet. Yeah, we've got to do that. Straight into a limo. Straight into a limo straight into a limo fart convention please oh i know sir oh i know that's amazing if i was at school and and we all found out that anyone had rented the private jet thing and taken the pictures but like with the intent to deceive as opposed to oh haha that isn't this funny i think that even two decades later now we would still be calling that person private jet every time we saw that person at a social event, we'd be like, oh, did you fly here? It would be so embarrassing.

That means one thing if you're a teenager, this is a grown-ass adult paying to pretend to be. Instagram has ruined so many lives. It's turned brains into mulch. Oh, everyone's brain has turned into compost compost I will only accept renting that to take pictures In a catch me if you can style Long haul grift or scam Yeah

Yeah yeah yeah To um Yeah you're You're seducing Uh Who would you be seducing... Who would you be seducing? It would either be a group of investors, like ridiculous, lame Silicon Valley investors who are trying to find the next big thing,

or one lonely heiress. An heiress, that's it. An heiress in Manhattan. That's right. And you, quote-unquote, accidentally bump into her on the corner of West and 7th. You drop your spare ticket to the opera.

That's it, that's it. Yeah. You drop your spare ticket to the opera and say it that's it yeah you drop your spare ticket to the opera and say god how am i how clumsy i am and i dropped my spare ticket to the opera oh you see my date turned me down she said i'm too rich and my penis is too big oh new york is a cruel town and i've only just come here from Translupia, where I am a prince. It's just immediately laid out there. Yeah.

Oh my god, you're from Europe? Accidentally flash a load of those weird medals on your chest. And then they go, are those medals? And you go like, oh no, don't look at those. I think you and I should do our own sort of wedding crashes, maybe. But just in the street. Street crashes.

Street crashes. It would be remiss of us, Phil, remiss, if we were not to mention on this podcast one of the most astonishing farting scenarios I've seen in a long time that's happened in the last week or so. Oh, am I aware of this? Rudy Giuliani.

Did he fart? Oh, Phil, did he fart? Wow. So, of course course first we had Four Seasons Total Landscaping Yes Rudy Giuliani Tried to deliver a dramatic speech

About election fraud In the car park of a landscaping company Between a dildo shop and a crematorium And then the first person He brought up as a witness to the election fraud Was a convicted sex offender from a different american state uh to the one he was in very funny very good stuff then he got all sweaty didn't he and he started melting black ooze out of his head

like a rapidly disintegrating batman villain and he does that thing that he does that weird like evil rich guy thing where he dabs like a rapidly disintegrating Batman villain. And he does that thing, he does that weird evil rich guy thing where he dabs incessantly at his own face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just tapping a kind of wet cloth on his... He's really crammed all his big laughs right into the end of his act doesn't he

it's like someone's pulled out a plug or something it's so weird and then he was doing all those witness statements where he was sitting next to like visibly drunk people who were just going i'm pretty sure some of those votes and he's there like you see you see trying to be all confident but he audibly farted twice during those things. Like it was picked up by the microphone. Okay, I've got the video here. I'm just going to play it to myself. Play it, play it.

It's so good. Yeah, he's going... And the microphone picks up that... And the lady he sat next to just kind of gives him a quick look. The lady looks right at him the second the fart happens. No subtlety whatsoever. But he... He must be so used to this.

Because he just talks right through it like nothing's happened. He's completely unfazed. It's because he's a man in his 70s. Yeah, he didn't even feel it. He doesn't even feel them anymore. Yeah, he's already too worried about his nuts coming out the bottom of his trousers. Oh, God.

Leaking out like his hair could die he's not there he's just he's just sat there oozing black goo and rambling and like padding his face and just going well you know the thing is maybe someone could pay for these machines and farting and sweating and rambling. It's so weird and so funny. And of course, now he has coronavirus. And he's... It is like a comedy act, and he's lost the audience,

and he's going, and just throwing all these gags in at once. What about this? His face starts melting. Maybe a little... What do you think? As the cane slowly extends onto stage to yank him off.

Yeah, and he's sort of just desperately going, what about those mats? What about my mother-in-law? And he's speaking over any possible laugh. Just yelling, yelling. Oh, God. my mother-in-law and he's like speaking over any possible laugh just yelling yelling oh god and i i think that if you have a case that is already a little like it's not even that your case is being heard it's that you're having a thing to see if your case should be heard and while you're rambling you just go and then the other thing is that the affidavit and you do a little fart the judge should just immediately

go case dismissed like you're in Spongebob it should be like the judge should therefore be empowered to go you farted case dismissed I heard it in the microphone it's very embarrassing and stupid it makes us all look stupid

case dismissed the defense would like to move to strike the fart from the record? Denied. Objection, sir. He farted. Fart sustained. I'll allow it, but you're on thin ice.

If the two councils could approach the bench, please. Not too soon, of course. Just let it dissipate. This is most irregular. Was it someone we knew at university? Was it you who figured out a way that you could talk while doing sort of little farting noises? No.

I don't think I can claim that legacy. Someone we know figured out how to talk and, like, as they're speaking, without, like, stopping to form the shape of the mouth to make the fart, they were, like, farting out the sides of their mouth, like little... Like little... And it was amazing because it was almost like a kind of act of ventriloquism. Gosh, no. I don't... No, that's news to me who was that man cambridge really does have the best and brightest from all over the world 800 years of farts and fart studies history of fart fartiology and

anthrophartily come on yes yes yes yeah I mean Rudy Rudy Giuliani is like he looks like a child's drawing of someone who should worry about having coronavirus yeah yeah yeah he doesn't seem like a healthy dude but then neither did trump and he shook that thing off like a bunch of fleas yeah he got he got given the the whatever it was that

they gave to captain america and then he's fine. Yeah. They gave him every single drug. Will Rudy have a similar treatment? Well, I guess it depends if he's on Trump's good side at the moment or not. I think... I mean, Trump must just be like, you're doing a great job. You farted.

I loved it. The sweating, that was great. What could he possibly... doing a great job you farted i loved it the sweating that was great like he's what could he possibly i read that um from asking for donations to help quote overturn the election and then in the small print you can donald trump's like by the way i can do whatever i want with the money he's got like 150 million now from that and it's not illegal technically no he it's just donations he can ask for donations that's all right you gotta admire the grift it's amazing it's amazing to see the most powerful country in

the history of the world taken over and by the monorail man by the monorail man that's it but like a version of the monorail man who doesn't even hide it in the first bit he's just immediately openly racist yeah yeah yeah he's not even charming or smiley or he doesn't even pretend that the monorail

is going to work yeah it's like if the Simpsons monorail man showed up and went buy a monorail you fucking stupid bitch towards like a female mayor and everyone just went yeah yeah he's right will the monorail work shut up no that's it and they went everyone just went brilliant let's do this i can't believe it and now we're gonna have it we're gonna have a hard brexit phil i can feel it in my water hard brexit or um no deal i'm that's actually you're quite right in my head they're the same thing but they're not i reckon

yeah no deal i'm sticking with my prediction from three years ago? I don't even remember. Right. You think no deal. Even though Boris has gone over to see Ursula von der Leyen for dinner. Perhaps we could settle this over dinner. It really has that vibe about it. It's like Boris Johnson

is sat going like, no, she won't give us fishing rights until I get my dick out. I think they will... What do I think? Because I think they'll make a big thing out of a fishing rights until the last minute and concede on fishing rights. Because they know that it is not... They both think that, though.

Sorry, I mean, I think Borisson will eventually concede on fishing rights do you think so yeah i i mean it's hard because the whole you know you can't say they'll concede on fishing rights because they understand that economically it is a very very small but then all of brexit has been a symbolic gesture so why why would you give up on the heart of the symbolic gesture which is fishing well well it's also like you can apply the same logic to the to the to the eu side it's also very small for them but they also won't concede because of the same reasons they both think that they're gonna get the last minute thing but i think it's just going to sleepwalk into disaster Well at least it's going to happen at a time When we don't need loads of trucks

Coming over the border with vaccines At least it's happening at a time Where the economy has never been stronger And there's never been any other concerns I love Ursula von der Leyen I think she's just so cool she already looks like

the person who will play her in the Netflix version that's right she already looks well cast good I gotta give it to Ursula she cleans up good. I gotta give it to Ursula. She cleans up so good and, you know, having seen a photo of Ursula von der Leyen next to Boris Johnson with his fucking

bird's nest hair and his untucked shirt, and you just think oh, for God's sake. The kid who eats glue is off to make a deal with the principal about about whether or not we can all reset our exams yes yeah we're sending to the principal's office

for this big negotiation we're sending the kid who um is a sort of urban legend, like a kind of a living legend at school for being caught trying to rapidly scrape some jizz off the zip of his school pants. He's just a horny bush. We've sent a horny hedge over to deal with the adults. As someone reminded us on Twitter this week, at some point we were discussing him,

and I turned to him, a rumbling, pulsing haystack of cum, which I stand by. And also, I mean, so does he. I mean, there's that Boris Johnson quote where he goes on about how full of jizz he is really what does he say he says I've always been bursting with the right stuff Jesus he's reported to have said I'm just going to look this up as well but he's reported to have said in terms of how much he can just go around banging people how he wants he said he's apparently said to someone I haven't had a way I haven't had to have a wank since school. Bloody hell.

That is strong. That's strong stuff. Even in lockdown. Well, he's got a girlfriend. That's true. Let me look this up. Boris Johnson wank school. There you go.

I haven't had to have a wank for 20 years, Johnson is quoted as saying in Gibson's biography. Yes, God. I haven't had to. I have, of course, but I haven't had to. Yes, I was in it for the love of the art. Or doing it to prove a point. Yeah, he's like the Joker with a stack of money.

This isn't about the money. It's about sending a message. The Joker standing in a warehouse. The Joker standing in a warehouse just going just just jacking himself it's about sending a message everyone's like oh okay what is the message this guy's crazy he's burning the money and they're like okay well burning a big pile of money is like

literally an art collective did that in the 80s or 90s you know that's the kla or whatever it was called what do you what do you mean mr joker are you an artist now and then he just gets a stick i just and we're like okay okay shit now we take you seriously So you think no deal? No deal. See? No deal. Interesting. I think there will be a deal. What do you think is going to happen to the fish, Phil? The fish, for God's sake. I think there'll be some symbolic

but fundamentally insubstantial concession from either side which they can take home yeah yeah i mean as much as i understand why it seems insane that we get 10 of our own fish instead of you know all of it or at least half like i understand the logic of that well we don't want it well we're a country that doesn't eat fish unless it's on a friday and it's been deep fried yeah and that is white and whereas the dutch they just want to they want to pickle all our fish just want to pickle it and eat it whole. Yeah, I mean, the Dutch... I guess we want it just to sell it back to the Dutch and go, hey, you like pickled herring?

You're a fucking maniac? Well, you better queue up at the border. No one in the UK eats pickled fish. At least not over 1% of the population. 2% maybe. Ever. Have you talked about the top five fishes? Britain's top five fishes?

Have we done this? No. I don't think so. What are Britain's top five fishes? And in terms of consumption, there's five. One of them is what you wouldn't normally consider a fish, but it's like it's a Premier League seafood, okay? So top five fishes.

What do you think they are? Okay, number one, I'm going to say like scallops. Scallops? Piena Valley? Yeah. No, scallops? No. What do you mean by top five? Wait, what do you mean by by top wait what do you mean by like you mean like numbers bought yeah by consumption okay so bearing in mind i like on the isle of man they do have like queenies and stuff and you can buy them in brine jars from like fish and chip shops and

stuff like it's not yeah but i think that's very specific to like an island or yeah you know but no one in london does that but you said that the top the top one is not a oh sorry i mean what one of them is not a strictly a flippy floppy fish oh i thought you meant the top one wasn't oh sorry sorry sorry no sorry one of the top five is not. Oh, okay. Well, the top one, cod. Correct. Yeah. Okay. Cod. Number two, place.

Nope. Seabass. Nope. You're already away to... Restaurant-ish. Cod herring. Nope. Tuna.

Tuna is in there, but it is not second. Yeah, tuna's third. Tuna's third. Cod blank tuna. What am I not thinking of here? What is sort of like cod, often confused for cod, and can take cod's place?

Halibut? It's correct first two letters. Hake. Nope. Too niche. What? I don't need fish. Haddock.

Captain Haddock, for god's sake Blistering blue barnacles So cod, haddock, tuna Yep Prawn Prawn is fifth Ah Fourth

What's fourth Is it one of the ones I've said already Nope It's a fish It's what's fourth? is it one of the ones I've said already? nope, it's a fish it's two times out of three if you're in a canteen the fish dish is this the fish dish

is this the fish dish is this you bake it it's disgusting oh salmon yes salmon salmon the only food that can make Phil vomit and he's eaten cockroaches

yeah yeah but baked salmon will make me wretch it's the only thing I cannot finish I have one bite and go yeah with the floppy wet skin underneath. I think it's disgusting. But you know what's weird? I first had

salmon raw as sashimi. Have I told you about this? How salmon sushi is a Norwegian invention? Yes, they got them to import it because the Japanese thing that's a bit like salmon is covered in parasites.

The story I had was that Norway, because of a lot of subsidies, they'd over-subsidised salmon fishing. The warehouses in Norway were just packed with all this frozen salmon that they couldn't eat.

And they're like, where can we sell this? What country likes fish? And they instantly just went, Japan. So they went, they sent a guy over to Japan. And it's like, hey, you guys should really buy all of our salmon. And the Japanese are like, we have enough salmon. And the Norwegians are like, do you have enough salmon for salmon sushi and the japanese went to them the idea of to them the idea of salmon like raw salmon was equivalent

to like raw chicken could they just have it like the west does they grill it they bake it whatever and they're like no that's disgusting you'll get sick but the norwegians just wouldn't let off they're like make salmon sushi make salmon sushi make salmon sushi and eventually one japanese supermarket like fine and they made like little packs of salmon sushi and it just took off and salmon sushi became a thing but this was just in the 80s before the 80s the idea of raw salmon even to the japanese was gross i'm just i'm just looking it up here yeah apparently they had cooked and cured salmon but they believe that pacific salmon has uh had was full of parasites or at least that's what they thought yeah right right yeah that's nuts why did they that's such a that's

such a uh that's such a norwegian thing just just the most efficient sort of place to place a surplus and then just be really persistent. Yeah. Smart, though. It worked. It's smart, and it doesn't matter that it was all really frozen. They'd be like, oh, I'm sorry. It's been really frozen for ages.

And the Japanese were like, yep, perfect. That's what we do to the fish, unless it's actually raw, raw. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. They have to freeze fish for like commercial sushi. The temperature has to be so low

that it's the same as boiling it. What do you mean? Structurally equivalent to boiling it? No, like the effect on any bacteria or microbe or whatever. Oh, I see. There's a temperature low enough that it just wipes everything out. Nice.

Mm-hmm. There's that cold chain. That's right. Yeah. Now the Norwegians are going to have big warehouses full of frozen vaccine, I guess.

Get on the cold chain. the Norwegians are going to have a big warehouse full of frozen vaccine, I guess. Get on the cold train! When are you going to get the vaccine, Phil? When do you think? March? As soon as I can get this white-haired wig looking good.

Oh, hello, Sunny, is that vaccine for me? Oh, I remember war. Oh, come in, sir. Thank you. Oh, this all checks out. Thank you, child. Yeah. Yeah. thank you thank you child yeah they'll be too afraid to

question it they'll just go just give it to him once I really master this hunch and my walking stick technique yeah I'll get the vaccine yeah I think I'm gonna get it slightly ahead of a lot of people because of my delicious asthma well yes it was bad huh mine yeah i don't mine is not bad enough i don't think

they just put you on a list if you if it's bad enough that they gave you the list thing to have a flu jab that should be the same it's the NHS category. Right, so if I'm down at my GP's as having asthma, I'll automatically be ahead of the queue? Should be. I mean, I get a free flu jab every year. I don't have to pay for it. I've never, ever, ever got a free flu jab.

Really? Yeah. Hmm. But then your mum's a doctor. Right. Maybe she was just like Let the boy struggle He has to learn Yeah I wonder Well if the disease gets really bad

Before you get the vaccine Phil I will do my best to spit In your mouth enough so that you have it Thank you I appreciate that spit in your mouth enough so that you have it. Thank you. I appreciate that. Okay, thank you. That's my pleasure. Alright.

Well, I'm going to go do some live admin before I stream later on. And then I'm going to go on Twitch. Whoa! TMI! What are you doing the rest of the day, Phil? The rest of today got a bit of work to do. I'm probably going to play a lot of chess on my...

I've been playing chess on my phone so much. Nice. Yes, you and I have had a few good games. I've been watching... Yeah, you're tough. I remember we used to play a lot on tour when we were on tour. I just saw Uni.

Yeah. And I would win the vast majority of the time. Now it's really hard. I think I beat everyone on tour. But now, yeah. I think you're much better now. I find you... Yeah, it's very hard to play.

I've just been watching, I now subscribe to chess channels, Grandmaster's channels on YouTube. I've been learning about the Roy Lopez opening and I keep telling, I've got a note in my head that

I need to study the endgame. That's actually something I think about these days. I need to study my endgame because I really fall down at the end game uh it's just something to do in it i'm working my way through all the computer avatars on the chess app and they get harder and harder and harder and i'm on the first advanced guy and i've drawn with him but i've not i can't beat him I keep getting closer Then I blunder my rook or something Oh I should do that

It's driving me nuts Well I'll see you On the chessboard See you on the checks Alright good luck listeners Good luck getting the vaccine get yourself a grey wig or dye it like Andy Warhol enjoy

enjoy enjoy enjoy bye bye