BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 94 - Nine-Tier-Four

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

The boys discuss Tier 4, Kent, Mutant Covid, the upside down, Boris's kids, Christmas woks, cranks and nutters, construction worker Christmas ads and how awful the radio can be Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 94 for Tier 4! 94, 94, Tier 4, 94, we are for a 94, we want some more. Tier 4? Yes, that's right, everyone. The COVID pandemic, the pandemic's so good, they had to make a new tier. We didn't have enough tiers to contain the enthusiasm of this virus. We've had the virus so long, and we're such an innovative, forward-looking nation after Brexit, that we have innovated an incredibly powerful mutant version of it.

An incredibly powerful mutant version of it. Yes. Well, now, I was made aware of the subtle differences between a mutant and a variant. Ooh. And I think the new pathogen that is a faster-spreading version of COVID-19 is not a mutation, but a variant of COVID-19. Okay. Now, let's see if the internet can provide a succinct definition of the two. Variant versus mutation.

Mutations were originally defined... Oh, dear. Wait. Oh. Maybe I'm wrong is a variation genetic variation can be caused by mutation you know what the first three

results has not helped me there's nothing worse than google not helping you within the results that you see on the screen. Yeah. I'm convinced the second page of Google results is the dark web. Is that what the dark web is?

The second page of Google results. If you go to page 10, it's just Bill Gates asking you why you're there. Yeah, it's just an Omegle with Bill Gates. Just a live video stream with Bill Gates. And he's like, hi. What are you doing here? Did you say Omegle? Yeah.

I thought it was Omegle. Omegle, Omegle. Look, now it's not the time for division. Unless you're a new mutant strain, am I right kids? I've got a new mutant pronunciation of Omegle it's Omegle and it's spreading fast it's spreading up to 71% faster than Omegle

now what I can't figure out about the new variant is surely it's not just in the UK. Are we not just the first country to identify it? Because surely it would arise where it's had the most cases to change up, which would be like Brazil and America. Well, there could be loads of variants, but the one thing that the UK does have,

which in this case is kind of a double-edged sword, is I think the best genomic sequencing technology in the world. That's right. Hoist by our own sequencer. That's right. Yes, that's right. We've sequenced our own petard, and it's a boy!

It's very much a they-who-smelt-it-delt-it situation, isn't it? We should have just kept our mouths shut. Yes, I'm afraid that the incredible traffic jam of lorries at Dover was caused by President Macron's

unprecedented use of the, if I'm rubber, you're glue clause. You know what has really exposed to me my own hypocrisy, because I you know i'm always quite angry with china for not telling the world about the outbreak soon enough and like fucking china because we're here because you weren't you weren't honest quickly enough

and then now that a british team has identified the new covid strain resulting in us being blocked off locked out from the rest of europe i'm like well don't don't tell everyone maybe it's not so bad it's mad though that the uk great britain is basic is now the first island in a free roaming video game and we haven't done enough missions to

leave it. We haven't done enough missions to leave London and then we'll get the rest of the island. And then it takes a lot to unlock Europe. Yeah. At Dover right now, if you try and pass through Dover the police characters of the game for for some unexplained reason,

descend on you and kill you really quick. Yeah, or it's like Pokemon. There's just a really big, fat bear that's asleep in the way. All right. Or it's the guy from Ski Free. Do you play Ski Free? No. Alright Oh it's the guy from Ski Free Do you play Ski Free? No You never played the free skiing game

On old Microsoft computers? Free skiing game? That's right Oh my god you've got to look up Ski Free Ski Free It's all like a 64 bit thing And you just have your direction keys And you just have to guide this pixelated hero

down the white slopes. And there's yetis! Eventually a yeti will just come and eat you. If you skew for long enough. Yeah, maybe you can evade them. I don't think I ever was able to. Oh, I recognise the yeti but I don't think I ever played it. I think I recognise

the yeti, but I don't think I ever played it. I think I recognize the Yeti from, like, memes. Ah. Meme knowledge. Yes, meme culture. The lowest tier of knowledge. The lowest form of word. Meme culture sort of replaced The Simpsons in providing a whole generation with the first instance of a cultural phenomenon before they've seen the original cultural phenomenon. Yes, that's true.

With The Simpsons, it was like The Shining and It's a Wonderful Life and loads of stuff. Oh, so much. Yes, last night I watched American Beauty for the first time. And I was like, oh, that's where the plastic bag and the music thing is from. Yes, yes. And the rose petals on a bed. Yes.

Top down shot. It's a great movie, American Beauty. I had no idea how good it was. I love it. Where Kevin Spacey plays a creepy older man who's into younger women. Yeah, really throwing everyone off the scent. Quite effectively, he is. Cunning old Kevin.

Yeah, just enough of a deviation from his true designs to throw everyone off for literal decades. Two decades. But a good film. He plays a creep so well. This is the tragic thing. He plays a creepy guy beautifully. Do you think it's ever really Christmas

unless we get another completely bonkers fucking video from Kevin Spacey? Oh, of course. Yeah, please. What will it be this year? If I was president, I would have handled coronavirus differently. Still in character.

He's been in character this whole time, between both videos, in real life. Something in his mind snapped, and that's how he behaved at the trials, the various trials. So yeah, basically, yeah, so the UK is now the first island in GTA 3, basically.

Yeah. I imagine the coronavirus is like, if a man was dressed as a kind of coronavirus football mascot, that's how I imagine the new mutant strain. It's like as big as a person. And it's like holding on to pipes underneath lorries,

like Terminator. But I don't understand why the Europe I sound like Donald Trump now why Europe is I mean it's there already, surely it's there oh it's definitely there it's definitely there is it just posturing?

is it just some pre-Brexit posturing? I think so. I mean, it's interesting that both the mutant virus and Brexit both have their origins in Kent. Something about Kent clearly breeds, it's like a sort of swampy, feverish place. Do we know what the Brexit numbers were were for kent in general oh hi hi hi hi hi hi well kent seems to be repaying its faustian pact all at once in one sort of large

consolidated payment oh yeah i mean it's sort of like you consolidated payment. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's sort of like you can have Brexit, but your gardens have to be full of trucker turds. And everywhere smells like piss now, forever. And this will happen at Christmas. And it will happen at Christmas, and you won't be able to leave. Or a huge disease will come and fucking tackle you. Oh, well.

Oh, I had to bury a wok today. Oh, yes. I buried a wok today. You might hear it in my voice that I'm a bit reflective because today I buried a wok. I've never buried a wok before. But it has finally reached the end of its life cycle. We've had this wok from Morrison's

funnily enough. Oh yeah. Which is a maker of a wok I've seen in at least one other Chinese British household. So I guess maybe they're known for it. And we've had this wok since we moved to London, which was over seven years ago.

Whoa. And it really looked after us, but now it's starting to go gray and lose its black coating. And the little bits of black coating are ending up in the rice. That's really dangerous, isn't it? Yeah, it's not good for you um well you know what they say phil if you go out for uh revenge you should dig two graves one for you and one for your walk

god i hope i haven't eaten too much of that black stuff. Don't let this be the new non-stick version of coronavirus that you create. Oh, no. It's so slippery. No, I just bought a new shiny wok from Chinatown, like a proper looking one, and I'm treating it now, which you're supposed to do. I'm rubbing it with oil and heating it up and evaporating the oil.

And apparently you make it non-stick that way. You're seasoning. You're seasoning your wok. Seasoning the wok, yeah. Is it made of just good steel? Carbon steel, it says on the handle. Who knows if it's true. A wok of fine steel this is

I don't know if the seasoning in this case means seasoning like adding flavour to or seasoning like giving experience to like a well seasoned professional I wonder if there's a specific term for this in language where where one presumes

one meaning behind a phrase or word but in truth it's actually something else but your presumption makes sense like praying mantis people presume it's p-r-a-y because it's making a praying gesture but it's actually p-r-e-y praying because it prays on yes do you know do you know what the only person who could tell you what that's called Is that lady who does all the QI words That's right Susie Dent Who I'm a big fan of But every now and then she'll do a tweet with a word

That I just think Just make them up Yeah It'll be like From Blickyblon Which means getting into bed with only one sock on or something like that yeah exactly and you think no it doesn't it doesn't mean that or you've made it up like i i sort of i kind of can't accept a lot of the

words because they for all we know they are made up she's just she could be stealing a living or it's proof that natural selection in language is just and only good words survive and so actually when i see a bad word like clombityclopal which means to lay a table at an angle um i'm like good i'm glad no one knows this word anymore because it's useless justice Justice has prevailed. I get a bit annoyed where, or a little bit suspicious, where she tweets out one of those words and it has a kind of amusing,

possible relevance to the news. Yes, yes, yes. Where it'll be like, today seems like an apposite day to tweet this out. Grunticular. A collection of lorries at a port. And I just think, oh, come on

now, come off it. You're pushing your luck here. It can't be. That's funny. What are you going to cook for yourself on Christmas Day? We're now thinking it's just going to be me and my sister in the flat. Yeah. As has the entirety of this year been. And we're going to go a little left field and roast a duck.

Oh. Because a turkey between two is psychopathic. So we're going to go with a duck. Hmm. Are you going to do duck a l'orange? No, that's very 70s, right? The duck à l'orange? No, that's very 70s, right? The duck à l'orange. It was the first time that people realized in the UK

that meat could taste of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And that you could put fruit on them. I don't think we'll go à l'orange. We'll probably just go... I don't know. I've come to think of it.

I've never roasted a duck. What? I know never roasted a duck. What? I know! All these years, and I've never roasted a duck. I'm not a huge fan of duck. I think that's what it is. I don't... I love a bit of Peking duck.

Sure. But... Hmm, otherwise... Duck kind of makes me go... Every time I eat duck, I think of this one duck that bothered me at lunch every day when I was an intern at an engineering firm. And I'd go into the park, and I'd sit down with the sandwich,

and this duck with a gammy leg would come... And his leg was so gross. And he would, like, wiggle his leg at me and really put me off my lunch because it was so gross. And he would like wiggle his leg at me and really put me off my lunch because it was so gross. And so whenever I eat duck now, I think of that gammy leg. So first of all, Phil, it sounds to me like you're pretty good at roasting ducks. Yeah, only after the fact, only like 14 years later yeah but to be fair you were distracted by its sort of piratical one leg

it wasn't the piracy of it it was just the it was just the grotesqueness was there something gross about it gnarled up. Yeah, gnarled and knobbly and... How does that happen? Because pigeons have that all the time. Do they just fly into something real hard and, like, fuck up their leg? Stick a foot out?

Have they flown out a window thinking it's clear air and smushed up their leg like that? Maybe. I mean, the thing that always makes me... Because we hit our legs because when we walk around, it's often the leg is the thing that is going in front of us, right? Whereas if you're a bird, your legs are always kind of underneath you.

It's your bobbing old bird head that's ahead of you. Right. So it's not like they're sticking head that's ahead of you. Right. So it's not like they're sticking their legs out to try and admire their own talents and getting it run over by a bicycle. Yeah, if anything, they're among the most leg-careful animals in the animal kingdom.

Exactly. Exactly. So where are all these nubbins coming from? They are always sleeping on them you know when they go to sleep and they they suck their legs up into their body maybe because they're always basically just crunching down on their feet to go to sleep maybe they just like weren't in at a bad angle or they've just got a car probably got a caught in like a grate or something. And they're too stupid to to nimbly navigate it out.

So they just fly harder and harder away and just snap it off or whatever. Birds are idiots. They're really dumb. It's amazing. It's a thing that descended from dinosaurs. There's dinosaurs flying around with the gross legs. That would have been a very funny bit bit of jurassic park where they're just

looking at the velociraptors and then one just had a kind of nubbin leg yeah and one kept pecking at cigarette butts yeah but that sounds pretty good you're gonna roast the duck and then are you gonna roast it and then chop it up and use it for other sort of stuff or are you gonna roast it and eat it as a kind of big like traditional whole bird thing well um as a whole bird and we won't stop ourselves if there is appetite for the full bird in one go but if there's leftovers hey plenty of throw that in gonna i could do a duck fried rice in my new wok that's what i was thinking that's exactly what i thought you've been you've been you've been seasoning that baby all yuletide long

i've still got another like five coats of oil to do on it apparently. How many did you have to do? Well, the first video I looked up was this Chinese-Australian chef and he's like, it's really easy. You just put your wiper with the oil and you turn it on

and it was 10 minutes and you wipe. He's obsessed with wiping the oil off and then on. You five or six more times and you're ready to go. So I've got like,

I've done two, so I've got like, I guess five, five more maybe. Does it really soak in? It isn't about soaking in. It's about forming a layer of kind of natural non-stick coating.

And you're sort of like burning the oil into the metal. Right, okay. It's sort of a greasy, smoky boy. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Oh. Yeah, we'll see how it goes. Hmm, I don't... Have I ever done it?

No, I don't have anything that I could seize on, I don't think. It would be cool to give it a try. Just around seasoning all your pots and pans, your family's pots and pans. I'm just trying to season my laptop. Just rub your laptop with oil and run a really big game. Like a really big one one get it nice and hot um have you got a playstation 5 have i got a playstation 5 sadly no no me neither no i'm a late adopter um have participated yet Phil in any sort of festive

over eating, over drinking unusual eating, unusual drinking, anything like that? Not yet I don't see what opportunity to do so is going to present itself The opportunity of being stuck at home staring at the wall That's true

That's true I have fortunately fallen out of the habit of getting pissed on my own though staring at the wall. That's true. That's true. I have fortunately fallen out of the habit of getting pissed on my own, though. Well, just in time, I guess. And my sister's

not a huge drinker. Yeah, I don't know what festive thing I'll be able to do this year, in that sense. I might... might yeah and like a board game, playing a board game between two

is a bit tragic yeah you're in a kind of sitcom about, I don't know a kind of wartime sitcom of some kind yeah yeah what's the one with the horrible father the disgusting father and his

nasty son step turn son yeah step turns on yeah yeah you're in step turn son with you that's it wang wang and sis yeah that's what it's gonna be it's like one of those sitcoms where there's an episode where all the characters are bored because there's nothing to do oh yeah yeah fly episode yeah yeah yeah the entire UK is now in a fly episode

of it's final season closing out the final season of the UK with a fly episode that's very bold. Maybe it'll be a clip show where the family watch Better Times of the UK on the TV. Yes, just footage of us ransacking India. Yeah, the good old days. Series

2. Did you see someone on Twitter? Apologies if you're listening and hopefully you are because you tweeted at the Budpod Twitter account, but I cannot remember your name. Did you see they pointed out that something has replaced this year, has replaced the season

finale copy and paste joke? This year has replaced the season finale copy and paste joke? This year has replaced the season finale copy and paste joke? No, I don't know what you're talking about. So it used to be that people would go like, oh, pretty weird episode for the season finale. Yeah, yeah. But now people say,

okay, who had this on the bingo? Oh, okay, who had this on the bingo? Oh, okay, who had this on 2020 bingo? Yeah, who had this on Apocalypse bingo? Great, great, great. And then there'll be a new story about... Murder Hornets. Yeah, yeah, or a plague of rancid tuna in Madagascar or something. Yeah, or like loads of crows

falling out of the sky in northern Russia. Yes, yes, yes. And they'll be like, did anyone have mysterious radioactive Russian crow death on their 2020 bingo sheet? I absolutely cannot stand this personification

of years. And I really hope, actually, perversely, I hope that the pandemic doesn't end too soon after December 31st. Because then it'll be such a clearly and cleanly 2020 thing that people will be able to say forever, Oh, that's very 2020. I want it to go on long enough into 2021 that people have to abandon that fucking personification.

Yeah, how long will that be? Sort of April? It'd have to be at least halfway through, yeah. Yeah, close to halfway, maybe, yeah. I think maybe April is just about, just minimum, maybe, which is probably where it, I mean, it seems most likely where it'll end, but who knows? Who knows? Yeah, I think maybe April is just about, just minimum maybe, which is probably where it, I mean, seems most likely where it'll end, but who knows? Who knows?

Yeah, I think so. I mean, they've vaccinated Sir Ian McKellen, so how far away from success can we be? Yeah. Yeah, similarly, like at the beginning when Idris Elba got COVID, that made everyone go, oh, this is serious. Now that Sir Ian McKellen's got inoculated now they were also like oh this vaccination is serious

yeah when Idris Elba got it everyone was like well if DCI John Luther can get coronavirus who knows how strong it is do you know anyone personally who's been vaccinated? I... Do I?

I... My younger sister's fiancé's dad has had the first dose. Nice. I think that's it. How about you? Yeah, my friend's very old grandparents.

And did they report back any terrifying mutations? As in, have they said something racist about the nurses? Now's the time to do it and then go, oh, there's vaccines, side effects. Well, not yet, no. It's funny to think that in a few weeks' time, the oldest, frailest people in the country will be the equivalent of

like Iron Man compared to everyone else they're gonna start bullying everyone they're gonna pinch us on the nose and just like slap us around

it's gonna be like an even more horrible version of give grandma a kiss give grandma a hundred pounds or you'll get a kiss or you'll get it all the pensioners in the UK

will be able to withstand Brexit that they voted for because of their vaccines yeah they'll be so strong that they'll be able to do without fresh vegetables do you have you seen any

anti-vaccine stuff or like paranoid nonsense from people you follow on twitter I skim right past it. I don't pay it any mind. No, I don't expose myself to it. I'm quite

good at limiting what I see. I went through a point on Twitter and social media of like, you've got to go outside your bubble, see what everyone else thinks. And I did that for a bit and I'm gone. People are outside my bubble. People are insane. So I'm going to go back into my bubble.

I just changed my bubble. Actually, my bubble has changed. Yeah. They're just like, you know, maybe outside of the bubble of sanity, there could be some interesting theories.

Perhaps the insane have something to contribute. The idea that the government is behind or would fake the pandemic and execute onto themselves politically, economically disastrous catastrophe.

Yes, that makes them look stupid. That makes them look stupid and useless and pathetic. It was all part of their plan. That's the central paradox of conspiracy theorists, that these people are... Oh no, that's not a paradox, is it? conspiracy theorists that that these people are oh no that's not a paradox is it it's not a paradox

yeah because they think these people are these evil people are extremely clever like impossibly clever and they've been able to plan these seven dimensional plans of how to take over the world and they've been able to plan these seven-dimensional plans

of how to take over the world. And every step is going to plan. The thing that I'm getting annoyed at is people who are talking about the one in 400,000 people who get literally any mild side effect to the vaccine or whatever it is. Right. Hmm. Or they talk about how bits of the lockdown are hard or blah,

blah, blah. So they always go for like the empathy thing, right? They always go for like, they adopt the tone of like, these side effects are too many. Three is too many.

It's outrageous. And then they'll show you like a picture of like a student who's been locked in their room for the whole term looking sad. And they'll be like, do you see the price we pay? Right? They'll be crazy about it. And then when you show them a big pile of coffins they go look it's personal freedom right people are going to die in huge numbers you can't be all sad about it and it's like well you were just sad about a bored person at a window so are we being emotion overly emotional and empathetic

now or not and they're like no but then oh the poor the mental health is going to be really difficult. It's like, yes, and you have even worse mental health when you are dead. I would refute that point. I think the mental health of the dead is actually pretty good. What do you think would happen? I mean, having a brain activity of zero is, is the entire goal in meditation. No one is more mindful than the dead.

Do you think if you gave a depression questionnaire to a corpse and it came back not filled in, you'd either think good or bad? I guess that's glass half full, glass half empty. Some doctors would be like, my God, this dead body is so depressed he couldn't even fill it in. And others would be like, this guy is so chilled out he didn't even bother filling in the form. He didn't even seem to notice it. That's how you can tell if you have a pessimist for a doctor or not.

Make him apply a depression questionnaire to a dead body. See what he says. The corpse test, yeah. This is the saddest corpse I've ever seen. Hasn't even got out of bed. hasn't even got out of bed what do you think Boris Johnson is going to do on Christmas day

as in which of his children he's going to spend it with or none, I guess I'll be the newest one yeah it'll have to be the one that's too small for him to run away from or to run away from him.

Yeah. He must have a lot of... He has a lot of stockings to fill. I mean, that's how he got in this position in the first place, I guess. Filling too many stockings. If you're one of Boris Johnson's many children, do you get anything from him? fill in too many seconds um I wonder if does he say

what does he if you're one of Boris Johnson's many children do you get anything from him do you get like a gift card or

a voucher maybe or just a signed card a silent warning to keep your mouth shut yeah a cease and desist letter

maybe yeah it's just they just all start dear sir Yeah, a cease and desist letter, maybe? Yeah, they just all start, Dear Sir or Madam. Dear Sir or Madam. I don't even know. What do you think? Yeah, I mean, what is it like?

Because Boris Johnson's all this kid is like, not far off our age. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. What the fuck is it like? Because Boris Johnson's all this kid is like not far off our age. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. What the fuck is that like? Just walking around and then being like, oh, my dad's on TV again talking about the mutant virus and how everything is wrong. Yeah, I mean... Yeah, do you hide your face away under the cushions when everyone around you who doesn't know and your friends don't know, they're like, this fucking idiot.

This stupid piece of shit. Or are you like, yeah, daddy. Yeah, do you watch it and go, dad. Or do you watch it and go like, what a brilliant man. Like, do you still think he's great? Because abandonment can go one of two ways either you blame them for abandoning you or you sort of strive

to win their affection yes and because he he's had most of his kids with like kids with the wife from before Carrie now, and he cheated on her when she had cancer and stuff, right? So do you still like your dad after that? Well, you don't like him, but you love him.

Imagine being in that position with Boris Johnson. I don't like him, but I'll always love him. I'll always with Boris Johnson. I don't like him, but I'll always love him. I'll always love Boris Johnson. I think that's most of the British public. Oh, do you think? I think that's the problem. Like how when he got sick real bad everyone was so quietly

worried for a couple of days. Yeah, and how whenever it comes time for an election everyone just sort of goes like, well, I don't like him at all, but I couldn't bear to see the look on that little face. They just give him loads of votes to keep him

happy, because they love him, really. Yeah, so his political technique is essentially puppy dog eyes yes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and I am he definitely wished to become prime minister on a cursed monkey paw yeah well the cursed bat's wing

yes yeah yeah yeah the bat's wings folded and his pact was sealed I just I keep I can't get out of my head the idea that you could travel back in time to like have I got news for you satire show thing 10 years ago

and you could show them uh like like tell them you've made you've mocked it up as some satire right and then show them an actual screenshot of bbc news where it's boris johnson at the podium with the sort of seal of the prime minister on it and the flags behind him and the news caption says breaking news prime minister addresses nation and the subtitles of boris johnson saying uh the mutant virus is out of control and we will have to cancel christmas and then you'd show that to like ian hislop or whatever and he'd be like yeah that's exactly the sort of thing that would happen if Boris were ever Prime Minister. It would be like at the end of Have I Got New CU, they'd be like, oh, the caption competition here, whatever. And the news comes through of what would happen if Boris were Prime Minister.

And then that would flash up and everyone would go, ha, ha, ha, what a silly idea, mutant virus, how exaggerated. Cancelling Christmas of all things, tee hee. It is all just a bit too perfect, isn't it? I think that's why I've woken up so many times this year thinking, oh, it was all just a dream, it was all a weird nightmare. Because it's all too perfect.

It's all too narratively perfect. Boris Johnson's Prime Minister, the second East Prime Minister minister were hit with the worst catastrophe in half a century I don't know how many years you want to say and there's a new mutant variant

whatever at Christmas where we're blocked off from the rest of Europe like like fucking escape from LA and and a hard Brexit is happening of Europe like like fucking escape from LA and and a hard Brexit is happening yeah

it's all just too perfect it does just seem like a lot is happening at once and I suppose that's why I do have sympathy with the season finale jokers because it is what it seems like wow sympathy huh yeah sympathy sympathy not empathy because it is what it seems like. Wow. Sympathy, huh? Yeah.

Sympathy. Sympathy, not empathy. Okay, okay. I guess that's all right. Yeah. You can have sympathy with a lot of contemptible things. Yeah. I can see how someone not as experienced in jokes

would look at it all and go, wait, what does this remind me of? Hang on a minute. As they look at a box set on the DVD shelf in their living room. Of course. Of course. It's like we're living in a TV show. I get it now.

And we're in the final season? And the TV show is called The UK? And it's got characters? Mary! Mary! Get my phone! Sign into Twitter, quickly! What are you going to be eating on Christmas Day?

What will you eat? I don't know yet. I don't know yet. Meat. Just loads of meat. Yeah, whatever's in the supermarkets at that point. I think that's a safe way of deciding. That's probably just the best way of deciding.

Don't get your hopes up, Pierre, with ideas of turkey and bacon. It may just be wheat and mops that you have to eat. Wheat mops?

Wheat and mops. I used to eat a big bowl of wheat and mops every morning before school. You got, you used to get Wheaton Mops. You used to get Frusted Wheaton Mops. And then Choco Wheaton Mops. And then I had that caption on it that said they mop the milk chocolatey. And then I don't forget to use

the last Wheaton mop to mop up the milk. Yeah. And then of course the limited edition salted caramel Wheaton mops which I thought were disgusting. Yeah, they went too far really. They really pushed their luck there they overreached

with caramel wheat and mops if you go to one of those shops in central London that sells sweets from all over the world you can actually buy pumpkin spice wheat and mops from the states they taste so artificial.

They're not nice. Oh, boy, oh, boy. I can't believe I'm still in this fucking flat, man. I'm losing my mind. Do you still have construction going on underneath you? Yeah, it's fortunately quiet and little. They seem to have finished the main body of the destructive phase of

redoing in Whole Flat. And I think they're now building it into what it's going to be. So it's a little quieter. But from time to time something needs a bit of buffing or spraying and that's when it gets loud again. But yeah, it seems most of the knocking and banging is done, which

is fortunate. It's a Christmas miracle. Well, the bad news for you, Phil, is that one of the best ways to ensure a level floor is just to blast death metal all day. They've also stopped playing on the radio, which is great. They only played

like a couple of days. And it was so loud. We were getting like the hits. Why can people who blare the radio never be into like Radio 6 music or BBC Radio 3 or like the Jazz FM? Why does it always have to be? Just Billboard Top 100 like, eardrum

scratching, horrible saccharine pop, and isn't, and these aren't like they're builders, they're not like teenage girls, they're old to mid-old men, listening to fucking Ariana Grande, because that's just what's

on Radio 1 they're like, have some respect who's this radio on for? listening to fucking Ariana Grande because that's just what's on Radio 1 yeah have some respect who's this radio on for? you obviously don't like this music is it just for the noise? they're listening to Heart FM or something

I wish it was Heart it's like actually Heart is pretty annoying I went down when it was too much and it takes a lot for me to do anything about anything but this was too much and I went down and I sort of knocked

on the well there was not too much of a door left at that point just a bit of whatever bit of wall I could find went knock knock and like excuse me can you turn that down and the builder's like you want me to turn it down and I was like

yeah it's just a bit loud and he went alright and went over and I don't think he turned it down I think he turned it down and then back up to where it was but it was so strange I went you want me to turn it down like he wasn't he wasn't surprised I'd come down to talk to him about the radio.

He was surprised I wanted it quieter. Like, he expected me to come down and go, this is great, man. Can you pump it up? I don't have a radio in my flat, so I just like to listen to this through the floor. Just crank that baby up. Yeah, this is a rare opportunity for me to finally hear the hits i love songs where every third word is just baby have you heard that song i and finding out about this song is it was a moment in my life where i realized just how separate i am from global popular culture.

It's got a really high, squeaky, annoying lady's voice. And she goes... And it's like South Park came up with a joke pop song. And it was the biggest selling song of 2019 or first half of this year in the world. It was the song most listened to by human beings who have the same brains and ears that you and I have. And it's their...

Dance me, dance me, dance me, boo-boo-boo. There aren't many songs that are physically painful to listen to, but it's horrible. It's like a joke. It's like someone came up with a joke idea of what a pop song sung by a young woman sounds like. It's horrible. And when I found out about that song,

that it was the top song in the world, I was like, I am... I will never fit in. I will, you know... It's over. Yeah, I'm not for this planet, maybe. But that's what happened. But then you turn on to Six music or radio uh radio three or maybe

radio two and you go ah like a hot bath and everything's all right again because you're not listening to a song where every third word is baby a song about how powerful someone is or a song about someone's ass. I always really loved your bit of material about hoping that pop music will eventually get to all the parts of the dance floor. We'll find out about every part of the dance floor. Yes. Yeah.

Eventually, there'll be enough songs that we know who's in the club who's on the dance floor who's popping bottles who's in the back room who's at the bar who's in the bathroom who's outside in the smoking area uh who's in the queue who's skipping the queue um and who's in the dj booth we'll finally have. I really like this. I think it's a very elegant idea you've come up with. The idea that all songs about the club are about one single, so platonic

ideal nightclub. Yes. And it exists as a node in all of our society's collective consciousness. It is the club. It's like everything about this club is canon. In society's collective consciousness. It is the club. It's like.

And like everything about this club. Is canon. So. Yes. Every song about the club. That is made. Add something to this club. Yes.

It's a bit like. Yeah. The conception of heaven. You add an extra section on. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I think that's true. And also. However. It's the big nightclub in the sky. It's the big nightclub. It's. yeah yes I think that's true and also however

it's the big nightclub in the sky it's the big nightclub it's the big club in the sky yeah and no matter who's singing if it is a Swedish man with an extremely odd accent a Belgian robot

or a Cuban sex offender no matter who is singing the club is full of all nationalities of all races A Belgian robot or a Cuban sex offender, no matter who is singing. The club is full of all nationalities of all races. And it just looks a bit like it might be somewhere like Miami. Yep. The lights are purple. With some green lasers coming through.

And everyone is the same height, weirdly. Everyone is the exact same height. Yes. height yes yes god that's a good point there's no short people in in night in like dance club dance music videos or freakishly tall or freakishly tall everyone's the same height in the great dance nightclub in the sky all are equal ph Phil I like this a lot this is a religion now it's impossible to tell because everyone's always jumping up and down but if you made them all stop jumping they would settle and they'd like all the tops of the heads

would like you could put a spirit level on it everyone's jumping or everyone is moving out of the way at exactly the same time to reveal a sexy lady. Yes. Yes. Before she tells us all about how powerful her ass makes her. My ass is so powerful here in the club

You just can't stop yelling at me about her ass Yes, these songs that are so simultaneously Very forthright about About boys in the club Not thinking too little of her Or objectifying her Because if they do objectify her her ass will get them her big her big sexy ass will get them if they just think she's some she's just she's just sexy

then she'll sex them to death with her ass to teach them a lesson yeah it the the lyrics to every song are essentially you better not be sexist when you spank my ass I really like the idea that all music now is just South Park parody music with the kind of annoying high voice that they do. Yeah, pop music now is just Cartman. They're all Cartman. I remember I've looked for this for ages because I thought the song was so funny that there was a scene where it was like a house party

in some episode of South Park, right? Some sort of gathering at someone's house. And they were just playing sort of some ambient music in the background while all the characters are standing around, you know, drinking beers or wines and chatting in the living room. And I remember pausing it and rewinding it to make sure I heard it correctly and going back. And in the background, they'd made some kind of really generic, simple loop.

And the lyrics was just one of them going, Party music, party music. Put a song in the background. Make it seem like everyone's having a good time. Party music. Just that very low. And low enough that there was crowd hubbub at the same kind of audio level, but just very faintly,

Party music. That's a nice little Easter egg. Christmas egg! But that's what all this music could be. That builder didn't know what he was listening to. He just knew it needed to be loud enough that he could zone out while he was tiling. I almost bought him a pair of headphones as an early Christmas present. Like in an advert for sonny or whatever like i come down and he and the builder's like for god's sake i've already and

then he turns around he sees i'm handing him like a pair of headphones with a ribbon tied yes but in the end i was like merry christmas and he puts puts them on. And we have a new understanding. But in the advert, to make it more endearing and more like international things coming together, you basically can't speak English. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to hand it to him almost uncertainly and then say Merry Christmas in a very, very thick accent of any kind.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's a John... Don't genuinely be a decent sort of John Lewis, PC World... PC World doesn't do Christmas ads. But that's a generally good Christmas ad. Like, you've got the beats of the guy who's frustrated with the building downstairs.

They have their tos and fro's. And you think the me character is preparing some sort of dastardly revenge. He's going online. He's looking things up. And he's putting something together. And you come down and you think he's going to... This is where it deviates from mainstream advert culture. You think he's going to shoot him in the head,

but then the camera reveals he's bought him a pair of headphones to listen to his music in. You'd have him... This is another example of us having really good ideas on the podcast and not being able to sell them to anyone. You'd have him looking up noise-cancelling headphones and you'd think they were for him. Ah, yes, of course.

That's it. You're staring me in the face the whole time. That's the ad. That's the ad. Although I like the one with the gun because then if you open the door, the one that you talk to will be like, you want to shoot me in the head?

You don't need to shoot yourself, as I would have predicted. You don't want to hear yourself As I would have predicted If you don't want to hear the music Your head's right there Well Listeners We hope you have As not shit a Christmas As it's possible to have during the

first year of officially shit christmas yeah dark christmas is here the first dark christmas yes yes it's the kind of christmas that that happens at the start of a movie where the country's taken over by uh someone a bit like the kind of crystal ball witch from Power Rangers. It's like Christmas in the Upside Down from Stranger Things. Yes, there's mist everywhere and everything's covered in slugs and cobwebs. Everything looks like it's covered in shit, and it is. It's all lorry drivers in Kent.

They're just shat everywhere. Kent just looks like the upside down now, thanks to the lorry drivers. Well, Merry Christmas, everyone. Try not to get mega coronavirus or indeed it's younger brother original coronavirus older brother older brother

older slower brother it's older slower brother this is scrappy do COVID yes this is COVID with lime and original recipe COVID Yeah

COVID classic is sort of not very popular right now What's big Is COVID lemon Yeah Yes exactly Well stay safe everyone And Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas as sarcastic as it sounds this year um merry christmas happy holidays and here's to 2021 goodbye 2020 god i won't be someone be sad as he fucking back at 2020 that's for sure goodbye forever 2020 source of all my ills let's let's hope next year is better how could it not be

don't set the bar too high goodbye everyone much love and all the best bye everyone bye Koji bye bye