BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 96 - Any Samaritans in tonight?

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

The boys are back, boys are back! Phil discusses his regular beatings and Pierre floats the idea of devolved assault, the Osama Bin Laden Theme Park and the obsession with Rome, missing stand up and Biblical stand up comedy, the Osama Bin Laden Theme Park, Amish Scream Up, clown cock is the new ukulele, dog ceviche, The Vulnerables, everybody do the Cough!Correspondence is an EXCELLENT email about second chances and bum grapes from Jack - R(A)ISIN, coming to Netflix this summer! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's 96. Budpod 96. Is that anything? 96. We're just about getting into a range of exam results that would have been acceptable from me during my primary school years. Now, were the stereotypes true, Phil? you have uh that level of pressure in everything except the arts oh definitely i mean in my chinese school in malaysia uh we'd one teacher with one teacher every teacher had a cane and with one teacher you got a smack with the cane for every percentage point you got off of 90. Jesus Christ. So if you got 89%, you got one hit.

If you got 88%, you got two. I mean, God forbid, if you didn't turn up and got zero, because that was... 90, no, I don't think... I doubt it got that bad. But I couldn't fathom. I was like, what if someone gets 30?

What if someone gets 30%? If someone gets 30%, then it's like a scene from The Passion of the Christ. Just streaming blood and being forced to walk around the school just flesh flying around the room staining the walls but did this happen with english oh i don't have any recollection of our english classes in chinese school i've done it all. No, I remember the Chinese class.

Malay class, the Malay teacher had quite a thin cane, so I didn't mind getting hit in Malay, because the pain was very sharp and very short. The Chinese teacher, I can remember the thickness of their canes to this day. Chinese teacher

had quite a thick, sturdy cane. It was the most painful. So I tried to avoid hers if I could, which was precarious because Chinese was harder than Malay at the time. Were these things made out of rattan or what?

That's right, yeah. We call them rattan. Oh, man. It's funny because normally in British media when you interview someone about corporal punishment, they're in their mid to late 60s or above. Uh-huh, yeah. Probably older. That's right.

It's always a really nice old man in tweed who sort of insists that it turned him into like a monster. I couldn't believe it when I came over here and, you know, I was like, Mummy! Did you know that here it's illegal to hit children? I was so, I was amazed.

And there's almost no mining at all. Yeah, it was like a fairy tale to me. Yeah, well, I mean, I was just amazed at the shit that kids could get away with. I mean, I didn't even go to a school where you got hit with sticks. But even I was kind of astonished that I was now surrounded by kids who, from my point of view, I was now surrounded by kids who, from my point of view, were like a kind of, you know, northern version of the kids from fucking Peter Pan.

But South Africa feels like a caney kind of place. Yeah, it started... I think there are still places now where you can get caned, and it's still very much a smack your kids as a parent's place. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. But it's been a while since the English-speaking, historically white, Anglican style, if not Anglican sort of schools would do that. Yeah.

Yeah. yeah yeah that's a trickle down effect of a child related um of a child related what's the word scandal

uh from the top echelons of christianity trickle down nervousness to be fair at least in south africa but i mean from what i'm told most of africa the teachers could more than rely on the parents to beat the fuck out of their kids for a bad result yeah i remember some like some some of my sort of fellow students parents were so brutal the teacher instead of and they of, and if the teacher knew this,

instead of threatening the kid with being caned by them themselves, they would say, I'm going to tell your father. And that would scare the kids more. Oh, yeah. I can imagine. Oh, man. Yeah.

Well, that's it. I think the beatings in South Africa these days are mostly outsourced. Yeah. They had a big meeting, and they said, do you know that this could be done by freelance volunteers for free?

You know, we can actually entrust this to the community. Look, it's a big society. Yeah, the communities, they cane themselves much better than institutions can. Yeah. Look, we need to decentralise beatings. Yeah, yeah. it's time for big government to accept that local decentralized federal beatings can be applied more accurately and more specifically by local representatives who are deputized rather than some big wig in london telling us who we should beat. And it takes months to find out.

That's right. Devolved beatings. That's what the colonial countries believe in. Devolved beatings. Sadistic national pummeling. The SNP. International Pameling, the SNP. I'm trying to come up with one for Plaid Cymru,

but it's far too complicated. Yeah. I love the idea of being annoyed because you only find out you need to beat your kid like two months late. Right. I only find out about this now. Huh? As in I only find out about this now. I've got to beat my kid.

And like the kid's currently good. Exactly. Exactly. The kid's mended his ways and it's still too fucking late. Yeah. It's also that thing with like dogs. Like if you're trying to train a dog, you need to give them a treat like immediately after they've done the good thing. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Or they don't associate it. So the idea of being punished by being smacked like two months later is like the kind of thing you'd impose on someone to break their spirit in a camp like Guantanamo. I mean, Chinese school felt like Guantanamo from time to time. It sounds like Guantanamo. How do you think it's affected you?

Do you think that you're a changed man? Can you detect fellow sufferers? In the UK, it's rare to meet anyone else who is um hit at school as a kid i i don't know if i i've said this i've known this podcast and on other things that um uh i have a i got a fear of authority from it yeah uh which you know isn't so bad anymore. And it's made me averse to risk, I think. I think you and I have spoken about my aversion to risk. And I think Chinese school was a large part of that. Like, because, you know,

the idea that a small mistake can lead to great punishment has made me very risk averse in my later life. Yes, yeah, a little slip up, which you have to blame yourself for. Yeah, that's interesting. I wonder. Yeah, it's definitely rare in the UK, of course. I guess you'd have to basically just only ever assume someone else had it if they also went to Chinese school in Malaysia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. is at the time of recording last night, Boris Johnson, we're recording on Tuesday, the 5th of January, 2021. And last night, Boris Johnson came on the TV and said to everyone, it's back. The disease is back. You'll never guess what happened

when we let everyone lick each other, but the disease is back. I mean, can you imagine if the Christmas relaxation went ahead? I mean, that's what I like to think about. It's like, wow. Oh, fucking hell, yeah. How bad would it have been?

Would it have made no difference? Would everyone just be dead now, today? Yeah. Someone on Twitter pointed out that because all the little kids had one day of school. Oh, right. Yeah. So all the little kids had one day of school which was enough and that was one day was that one day was enough for a load of kids from the areas where

they did have christmas to mix with the ones where they didn't just for one day yeah um you know he's gonna hold another fucking press conference today at five. What? Why? I think just... I know. Don't. Don't. People won't even notice. Just don't. He's like the Joker at this point.

Oh, yeah, because yesterday wasn't a press conference, I guess. Yesterday was just a Joker-esque announcement. And today it's... It's taking questions, right? Yeah, which to be fair to boris johnson the joker never seems to be willing to let the press corps have their say that's right that's right and and you know not a lot can be said in favor of boris johnson in comparison to the joker but you have to give him credit for at least taking the occasional question.

Yes. Yeah, very few versions of the Batman universe have various people with press tickets in their trilby saying, Mr. Joker was it? I have some questions about the financial implications of your proposal.

Although I'm almost certain something like that did happen in the 60s batman series there's always wacky shit where suddenly the joker would be opening a zoo and everyone'd be like no i guess i'll go and visit the zoo even though he's been to jail 26 hundred times even though he's a domestic terrorist yeah I like hey the Unabomber just opened a goldfish shop shall we all go to the

yeah he's probably alright now yeah I can't wait to go to Osama bin Laden's new theme park apparently westerners enter free Salma bin Laden's new theme park. Apparently Westerners enter free. It's, yeah, it's all just burrows and hills. It's all underground

and caves. And instead of getting a photograph of you on the ride, you get a grainy video. Everyone has to wear those kind of camo jackets. There's like a haunted house ride, but it's just full of

women in bikinis and the CIA. Yeah, just a woman showing off her ankle. Yeah, the ride is just full of secular values and Navy SEAL assassination teams. And like Roman legionnaires because they're obsessed with Romans. The Al-Qaeda and everything that's followed, they're obsessed with Romans.

They hate the Romans, which is so old school. They are old school. They've sort of gone, you know what? We're going to be consistent across thousands of years here. But what's interesting and what's funny is that they are very comfortable to just say the Americans are the Romans now. Because they have to follow this ancient doctrine of defeating uh the romans and establishing the caliphate but all the romans now just sort of are in rome eating and drinking and not really getting up to much except you know looking good as policemen but not really doing very much. But now,

so now the Al-Qaeda and all, they're like, well, America is Rome. But there's a real conflict of consistency there, of going like, we are still fighting the Romans, but America is Rome. So it's like, in that case,

why don't we just say, we are fighting America yeah why do you have to keep couching everything in that kind of language I guess do the do the crazy Christians do that do they go on about um I suppose they do go on about pagans no I mean to to their credit I can't remember the last time I heard a Christian slagging off the pagans. Heathens? Yeah, no. To be fair, neither of us are exposed to the rabid American style of Christianity.

American style of Christianity. That's true. Extremist Christianity has not had the prominence that extremist Islam has had in the last couple of decades. I'm sure if you were able to infiltrate the seventh Baptist apostle sepulcher of Birmingham, Louisiana, then you might hear some stuff about the pagans. Yeah, if you went to a snake handler's tent

to hear, and it's always someone whose name is like, the Reverend Jerry Foldswell. That's right. to hear and it's always someone whose name is like the reverend jerry folds well that's right i get no that's what it would be like the what's it the the baptist church what are the crazy homophobic the one that the one that louis through sees every weekend oh um the oh god the the westborough westborough bapt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. That's the equivalent, right? Yeah. And it's funny, isn't it, that those guys are so extreme and so insane, but they have decided to just keep to themselves

and just post really offensive videos and do protests. But when I say keep to themselves, obviously, I mean, they pick at funerals. That's not exactly shy. Yeah. But they're not exactly – they're not hankering for new members they're not out there yeah trying to recruit yeah they're not trying to make themselves appealing and they haven't flown into any buildings yet not yet they haven't taken the fight to to downtown new york in quite the same way. I always wonder why. Like, if they're so certain of themselves,

I guess maybe, I don't know. There's no logic to it. You're a fool to search for logic in a big pile of shit. Yeah, yeah. I mean, logic left their brains a long time ago. I always wonder with those guys if there's like a kind of particular like magical question like sometimes you

hear these apocryphal stories of some great philosopher who sort of broke everyone's mind with this one great statement you know like you'll hear about some guy in a toga who is in front of a crowd of ancient Greeks and he just said something about how the sun moved and everyone

went, whoa, and then no one liked Zeus anymore. You know, just it changed everything. Is there a way? Or like when Jesus got up on a rock and he said, don't kill your neighbours. And everyone's like, what the... Holy shit.

This is like the nicest guy I've ever met. Yeah, and loads of people at the back of the crowd Were like where did he say don't Honor your parents And a guy who was just kicking his dad on the ground Is like what huh Come on pops get up you gotta hear this Hey

I've been going about this all wrong i guess it's like when you're you know i was i remember doing engineering you know so one of the lecturers you know one of the lecturers said you know someone invented the wheelbarrow and and they go you don't you don't think about that as something having been invented, but someone invented the wheelbarrow. And I guess you can apply that to morality, right? Someone had to invent the wheelbarrow. Someone had to say, don't kill that person. You've just happened to chance a cross.

Yeah, or like the story of the Good Samaritan. Yes, I was just thinking about that. Yeah, or like, you know, the story of the Good Samaritan. Yes, I was just thinking about that. Which literally, like, I swear to God, my entire school career was being told the parable of the Good Samaritan about once every two days. Yeah. Endless. but like as much as i'm absolutely fucking sick to death of it it is amazing that like you say someone like was a total revolutionary by going don't let someone bleed to death on the side of the road but what i what i've always found funny about the good samaritan is the subtext of the

story because we we the the version we like is the good samaritan is samaritan is someone who is good but the whole subtext of the story is that the samaritans are famously dickheads and but and and you most of them just walked past this guy but this one and i the subtext of the story i'm pretty sure is this guy was even a sam he was a samaritan he was from samarita and you know those dickheads. You know what those pieces of shit are like. And even he stopped to help this guy. So if a fucking Samaritan, a Samaritan, can go out of their way to help someone, I think you can too.

I think the most valuable meta message in the story is that even thousands of years ago, these people who you'd never fucking heard of before today were still obsessed with how much they hated their immediate neighbours, who you've also never heard of. ago, these people who you'd never fucking heard of before today were still obsessed with how much they hated their immediate neighbours, who you've also never heard of. Yeah, exactly. Can you imagine doing a gig in,

I don't know, ancient Jerusalem? Or, what would have been co-existent with Samarit... What even is the town of Samaritium? Damascus. Okay, so you're doing a gig in Damascus. Okay, yeah.

And then you go, so I was in Samaritan, and everyone goes, oh! I bet they helped you out with something, and everyone goes, ah! Ha ha ha ha! So I walked past the Samaritan the other day.

Yeah, so a Samaritan walks into a bar and doesn't get a single round and everyone's like, it sounds like them. That's just seen... This is how much I miss gigging, Pierre. I generally felt just now, I'd love to do a gig in the biblical Middle East.

Like one of those fucking time travel episodes of The Simpsons. Yeah. Yeah, like a Futurama or something. I'd love to. No, they don't really go back in time, Futurama. That's how much we miss gigging is that we're getting a a small spike of adrenaline at the idea of of of slamming a samaritan heckler when they shout something out and saying oh you're a samaritan aren't you i your help up here. And everyone's like,

ooh! What's wrong? You've never seen stand-up before? What are you, a philistine? And then the one philistine in the room's covering his face. And when they film it, they have to keep showing shots of philistines and the audience laughing

to make everyone feel like it's okay i'd love to i'd love to rip on the philistines it'd be so easy hey where do you go a bunch of people so stupid that your nickname is the nickname for people who are stupid but then every time a camera fixes on the luddite they scream and they think their soul is being stolen do you think um do you think you could ever do stand-up like do you think one could ever do stand-up to the Amish? You'd have to shout. The room would need good acoustics because I'm guessing a microphone's out of the question. They'd have to rename it and all the Amish would be like,

oh, did you hear there's a new scream-up show? Oh, yeah, English, there's a new scream-up show coming to town. And it'll have to be like clean anecdotes about funny things that have happened with agricultural animals and tools. That is a sort of obvious subtlety that I didn't really

notice until I read this book about the history of American comedy, which is, you know how stand-up is like a 20th century phenomenon? Yeah. It's only a 20th century phenomenon because it required the invention of the microphone, which I never thought about. Yeah, that's true.

You can't get any subtlety or variation in delivery if you're a bellowing um you know minstrel well that's why all comedy before stand-up was you know the fucking shakespeare clowns going well i don't protest that me balls are blue or whatever you're screaming and shitting on the stage because that's the only way it's good stuff genius absolutely genius it's still better than comedy today. To be fair, if that came back in the right form, it would win awards. That's true. Yeah.

Yeah. A return to form for comedy at last. The Guardian. Yeah. Truly fearless. Fearless. Imporcent. Visceral comedy

yeah you know what I was what I'm I always notice about comedy criticism especially in the UK and kind of comedy criticism that centres around

the comedy festivals of like Edinburgh um is that you know, if you're a stand-up and you talk about your dick, people are like,

so lazy. Yeah. Basic to be talking about your penis. But if you're someone who says you're a clown, a boundary-pushing clown, and you show everyone your dick, five stars. Brave.

Visceral. So you're better off showing people your penis in avant-garde comedy than telling them about it which is more vulgar somehow yeah they hate the idea that you've thought about your penis but if you just fling it in their faces they clap like delighted toddlers like when you jingle keys for a kid. As you flap your dick and balls around. I can't think of a single modern clowning show that hasn't ended with a man naked on stage.

Like every single one. And to the point where I'm like, this clowning course everyone, you all talk about, is it just like, do you learn clowning or like striptease? Like every single clown every modern clown i've ever seen ends their show getting naked do you think um it's like the new ukulele that's right that's right getting naked on stage is the new ukulele and also do you remember there was a phase where the most scandalous thing an all-male sketch group could do was a really big, like, tongue kiss.

Ugh, yeah. It's... it's incredibly lame, and it's, um... What was that, the late noughties? Late noughties? From time to time, you still, you know, you still see it, like, if there's nothing else to go for, a gay kiss, and... It's like, it's like

a... an ejector seat. Yeah. For a sketch that isn't going well. Gay kiss replaced dad. Right, right, right. The reveal that the person you're talking about is your father. The fucking clown you've been hearing crazy shit from from the last three minutes is actually your dad.

Yeah, when we were at university, Pierre, you and I, when we were at the last three minutes is actually your dad. Yeah, that one we were at university, Pierre, you and I when we were at university, that was sort of the hack way out of a sketch. Because you write a sketch where you're like so it's about me and I'm talking to a balloon salesman and the balloon salesman thinks the balloons are

made of pudding and I have to try and tell him that they're not made of pudding and so for three minutes you're going, those aren't pudding those are balloons and the weird character's going no these are balloons look they're floating and you're going no they're on the ground and they're melting because they're pudding and then eventually you get to the end of three minutes and you go well i've kind of sort of spent the whole pudding balloon idea um how do we get out of this yeah um dad we miss you come home huge round of applause lights down don't give anyone time to think

about why on earth you would bother to debate the merits of putting balloons with your clearly very ill father to be fair if I actually saw that sketch that you just described these days i would lose my mind well yeah now it's like form-breaking self-referencing real inside baseball stuff is that yeah comedians comedian sketch what i've yes yes yes very much so the the dad revealed that would have to be on in a kind

of cool basement during the fringe either very early in the morning or astonishingly late at night yeah oh i miss i miss comedy now it's only taken almost a year but i do i think I've decided now that I actually I do miss it yeah I miss it very much I miss talking to a room of uh people uncomfortable I was I was I've just remembered the time I did um pretty raucous gig full of absolute scumbags in Leicester Square. And at one point, a guy was so annoyed with the guy behind him that he just spun around and grabbed him by the neck and started choking him while I was on stage. Like, literally choking him out. And I miss that. I never thought I would, but I miss that.

I never thought I would, but I miss that. I miss watching one scum bag strangling another scum bag in a scummy room in the scummiest square in London. I miss it. I miss watching a sort of an Essex lad of some kind on a December night out. Wearing that shirt they all have. Wearing the shirt that they all share. And wearing those chinos where they finish about half a meter above the ankle with big socks all pulled up and brown leather sort of loafer boat shoe things. Yep.

Immaculately gelled hair, bursting out of the toilets of that probably the same gig in Leicester Square that you're describing. Still not even quite putting the bag of cocaine back in his top pocket. bag of cocaine back in his top pocket. With a look on his face that says, I want to have as bad a time as possible. There are some gigs I look back on now and think, how on earth

did I survive that? How on earth did I get any laughs? I feel like a real survivor, you know. When I think of some of the gigs I've done. Yeah, I had the same thing. I was thinking about some of the Christmas gigs I've done

in places like Hereford where bouncers had to drag people out by their heads and you think... I was on stage telling jokes during that actual crime. Yeah, I watched Battery. I watched a live choking happen in front of me yes and i stayed on stage i continued i did my job pierre i did my job and where's my thursday night applause where's my applause i did my time arguably my applause was that night when I said, thank you, good night.

But where's my applause now? And the guy clapped by releasing and re-gripping the man's neck. He just slapped the guy's neck with his other free hand. Blop, blop, blop, blop. And the guy was going, well done. You know. They both had a great time. You honestly choked him like homer simpson chokes bad oh fucking hell oh my god it's it's insane isn't it do you think after this that comedians will be

like ebenezer scrooge and will all be so pathetically grateful and almost like that kind of American comedian who's just like, just great to have the stage time. Oh, you mean Scrooge post-conversion? Yeah, like we've been visited by the three ghosts of Corona over like a year

and now we're just going to be so pleased to have even these terrible gigs. Never underestimate, Pierre, my ability to get bored with something. I think second gig back I'll be like, oh, fuck this bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, our first gig back there'll be someone

screaming in the front row with coke dust under their nose still because it's their first night out in a year. And we'll just go. We won't be used to the interruptions and the heckles. So we'll go overboard in our reaction. Fuck you. Right to their face. What are your predictions, Pierre?

Where are we going to be? They're saying. they're saying, well, they're saying that all the vulnerables will get their first dose done by mid-Feb, which seems like a big aim to me. I am really confident in this government's ability to fuck everything up. That's right, that's right. March, I guess, for the...

I like The Vulnerables. That's the sequel to Les Miserables. Yeah, and The Invincibles. It's the other story of The Invincibles, The Vulnerables. Yeah, it's a much more harrowing movie, The Vulnerables. A lady who can't stretch. Right, yeah.

I think maybe like March or something. I think we might start going back to normal in like June, July. It'll be like a repeat of last year, hilariously. Of course, of course. What about you? What do you reckon? That's kind of it for me for predictions.

I don't see them doing anything sensible. Like, hey, do you remember track and trace? Do you remember how that was supposed to be a thing? Yeah, it's a laughable idea now. Yeah. With as many cases as saying, I'm going to track and trace every fish in the sea. I was like, okay, good luck.

Do you have any resolutions? Oh, fuck, I completely forgot about... My New Year's resolution is to not catch coronavirus this year. Very good. I might end up being the only person in the country. Yes.

It's suddenly become like a rare thing. Like at the start of, like last year, it was like, well, did you know my, oh, my friend, a friend of a friend got it. He's, they've, they've got coronavirus right now. And now it's like, I go to people going, I've never got it. I've not, I've still not got it. And no, no not only that i've not got sick once out of anything because i've it turns out all the social distancing stuff works because i've not gone i've not got sick at all and i'm normally sick at least three times a year yeah it's it all works out i mean mean, I miss it. When I had coronavirus back in March, Phil, I was like a minor celebrity.

You were. You were. You were going to be on Strictly, weren't you? I was going to do a dance called The Cough. They were going to call that series Sickly. Sickly Come Dancing. Yeah. I don't know if you know the cough phil but it's one of those like big bopper do the twist style 50s songs yeah yeah yeah the can bill bailey would

absolutely nail yeah yeah everybody do the cough yeah and the main move is like moving your fist up to your mouth, right? And one after the other. Exactly, yeah. And then like bending over and bending back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then your partner comes and like slaps you on the back to time. Yeah, there's a little drum solo. On your back.

Everybody do the cough like we did last summer. That's good. I guess it'd be winter for this one. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the lyrics. Yeah, like we did last winter. I can't stop doing the cough ever since I met that really cool man who came here from Wuhan. That whole thing.

That's good. I like that. Yeah. Everybody do the cough. That's good. It's a new craze that's sweeping the nation. Shall we read some correspondence? we haven't in a while First correspondence of 2021

Yeah We'll try and do some up to date stuff listeners And we will convene A great diet Or diet conference A big meeting about the rest of it We'll figure out a way to Finally

I know this is probably the 57th time I've said this But now with full lockdown back We'll figure out a way to finally I know this is probably the 57th time I've said this but now with full lockdown back we'll figure out a way we're hosting an emergency Cobra meeting about what to do with all this correspondence yes annoyingly our press conference does clash with Boris's yeah yeah yeah but do tune in

it's the Covid cases graph in England going vertical but it's our emails. All right. Let's read it. All right. Ring letters. Keep emails.

Email buzz. Phone call. Email buzz. Tweet. Your sister. Keep a straight eye. Tweet. Tweet. Email buzz.

Correspondence. All right. I have an up-to-date email. Nice. Now, is this technically the first correspondence of the new decade? Are we going to be those kind of pedants? Ooh, that's interesting. Ooh, yeah. surely, sure. I think we've been through this actually on the podcast about something else. Yeah. When does it start? Surely, surely not

though. Surely it starts after the zero. No. Hmm. I remember when I was young, my mother saying, well, actually 2001 is the first year of the millennium. And I got furious. why actually 2001 is the first year of the millennium and i got furious is that um hey look it doesn't matter this is like that um that screenshot of that debate about how old the footballer is on that forum you ever see that no what's that so this guy was like uh yeah he's 28 or whatever and the guy's like no he's 27 and a half the guy's like yeah yeah, he's 28 or whatever. And the other guy's like, no, he's 27 and a half. And the guy's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but he's 28. It's like, no, he's not. And they go, yeah, yeah, but, you know, basically, if you round up, he's 28. And the guy's like, yeah, except he's not, though.

And there's this whole long debate between these two football fans about some footballer and his age and whether being halfway to an age makes you the age. That's funny. Yeah. It's funny. Yeah. It's exactly the sort of chat you can imagine keeping you busy on a desert island. I always feel bad for those people who, like, were getting into all that sort of

at-home time-wasting before the pandemic. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like, you could have done all that now. Yeah, that's it. You haven't saved it up. You haven't saved it up. But then a lot of these people who've just been going out there

and having actual fulfilling time, they don't have the skills to make it alone at home. This is the other side of the coin. This is the other side. I've got people like to me, what am I going to do? I have to stay at home. It's like, you stay at home.

What's the problem? Yeah, it's like, you didn't use that at home. What? What's the problem? It's like, have you not, have you not accidentally spent five hours doing various versions of nothing? Come on. I can do five hours on the toilet. Just looking at my phone, having already done my shit at the beginning of the five hours with numb legs.

Yeah. Easy. They talk about me like a legendary samurai, but about wasting time. They say he can spend three whole days just on one level of a game. Because he goes back to hear the dialogue that he wasn't sure he got the first time around.

They talk about me, they say he pointlessly insists on getting 100% of Steam achievements if they seem plausible enough. Dude, I even like the achievements, like the Joki achievements for being really shit. achievements that like the jokey achievements for being really shit like sometimes you play a game and you die 10 times in a row and you get the the fucking stupid clown achievement unlocked for dying 10 times in a row and part of me is like oh i got the fucking stupid clown award yeah there's no way to displease the rat brain it really isn't um so we have um an email from Jack. Oh, Jack Spratt could eat no fat, but he sure could write some great correspondence. Very nice. Thank you.

Very nice. Dear Crappy Chappies. Yes, I've missed this. Yes, you may recall my last email when I told the tale of my newborn son's first ever poo. Ooh, remind me. A pure black bubble. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. The one that was heavy like a black hole.

Like a dying star. Dense. A pure black bubble that earned him the nickname of Bog Bum Baby in this very pod. Bog Bum Baby. Like very pod. Bog Bum Baby. Like an evil swamp, yeah. Well, he's my Bog Bum Baby. He's pooping like crazy. My baby got a bog bum.

He says, well, in the years since, he has grown into a lively little boy, happy and healthy as can be. Oh, wow. I don't think we've had a catch-up with a Bud Pod baby. Yeah. And yet, I couldn't help be slightly disappointed by the lack of any more interesting poo stories from the

small pooing machine. Wow, a one-hit, a one-shit wonder. A bum-shit blunder. The next level, the next level of these always makes no sense. The next level. Happy Poonia to crappy poo smear. It just makes no sense and this as well the bum shit blunder although i didn't instantly think of boris johnson when

you said that yeah i just like the fact that it makes no sense because it gets to the point where you're essentially talking by just going, poo shit, bum wipe, bum poo. Just pathetic. Stupid. It sounds like an aneurysm. When you say it, it sounds like you're having a live stroke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the final podcast, and the rest of the recording is just you trying to call the authorities.

So he says couldn't be slightly disappointed by the lack of any more interesting poo stories from the small pooing machine there was the time he crapped onto the kitchen floor when being carried naked to the bath and there's been the odd foul smelling nappy but nothing really to write harm about until today that is

oh great my wife was changing his nappy and noticed that in the nappy was a whole grape wow oh my gosh grapes are the cockroaches of the fruit world

they can survive in any environment yeah this is it after the apocalypse it'll just be grapes this so this baby's making like baby wine basically it's got his own specialized grape process that's meant that's mad do you think it would make really good wine like those coffee beans that go through civets that's right that's right that's how about um the guy um in sabah who told me like in his tribe he talked about this tribal way of preparing deer meat no so they kill a deer and they feed it to a dog and then they squeeze it through the dog's

digestion system digestive tract, they squeeze it through and they eat it having sort of ceviched it in the dog's stomach acid no yes sir

dog vomit deer meat well it's not vomit because it doesn't come out of the mouth that'll be gross beer it comes out of his anus okay as long as long as it's been covered in vomit and then some shit and then an anus that's right so very similar process to this baby's uh vinification what do you think the dog thinks is happening there well first it's over the moon can't believe the truck wow all this raw deer meat for me why is everyone watching

you don't have to watch I appreciate it but you can go on with your business what are you doing don't squeeze it what the heck what are you doing that but also like it would initially i thought it was a massage a venison dinner and a massage that is how hard is it to light a fucking fire honestly

well it's very wet in the rainforest pier lighting a fire isn't always as easy as you might think I would try and light 10,000 fires before I thought of that also I'd eat raw deer before I thought of that yes if someone in my tribe said what if we make the dog eat it and then we push it through the dog

out its ass and then we eat it i would say you get out of this tribe we do not need that kind of idea here at the tribe brainstorming session there there are no bad ideas at the brainstorm but except that one yeah acid treated dog anus deer meat is a bad idea There are no bad ideas at the brainstorm, but except that one. Yeah. Acid-treated dog anus deer meat is a bad idea. So he says, in the nappy was a whole grape fully formed. So he goes on,

while he does eat grapes, they are always chopped up to prevent a choking hazard. Initially, my wife was concerned. Had she given him a whole grape by mistake? Or had it reformed? Had he somehow reached the grapes without us knowing? Right, right, right. Am I the only one who thinks I might have reformed in his stomach?

Like a little jigsaw. That's right. Like he'd eaten... Oh, oh sorry these are terminator brand grapes it says here they will be back that's good but suddenly he says a theory formed in my wife's mind like a grape and a nappy a theory formed in my wife's mind like a grape and a nappy i like that what's the theory i'm on i'm on the edge of my seat here and she hopped onto google to confirm her suspicions now one of my son's he says one of our son's favorite things to eat and something he has on a regular basis are raisins.

Oh! What a theory. Sitting perfectly in his nappy on the living room floor was a resurrected raisin. No, that's amazing. Like one of those sort of add water and grow me dinosaurs. Yes. That you put in a jug of water. Yes, and he said caused to swell

by the moisture in the turd. That's amazing. Wow. I wonder what that... Yeah. Fantastic. I guess it wouldn't have looked like... At first I was picturing like a red grape, sort of shiny, with skin taut

like fresh grape. I guess what I'm talking about is it's a slightly wrinkled grape. Just slightly. First of all, can I just say it's interesting that I was picturing a white grape. Very problematic, Pierre, and you need to work on that. Yes. And also, yes, I was imagining it looking a bit like a party balloon about two days after the party.

Yes, that is perfect. That's actually made up for your racist grape assumptions. Yes, it's important for people to realise that if you're good enough at words and art, it can balance a lot of stuff out. That's right. You still need to do the work though, Pierre. You still need to step back and do the work but um that good analogy was a very important step forward i've got to i've

got to step back and do the work and be better and not be taught by anyone but to do my own i don't remember the rest of it but yeah you need to you need to you need to learn but you mustn't ask anyone to teach you. Yes. Yes. And you need to do the work. Yeah. But it shouldn't feel like work. No. It should feel great. That's right. So, yes.

He says, My son had gone from having a bog bum to a magical life-giving poo. It truly is a miracle. Lazarus baby. Lazarus baby. It's a baby you've... If you have anything broken, you feed it to this baby

and of course the Faustian edge to it is that it comes out in a lump of shit. But it does come out fixed. Yes. Yes. And until the baby is... This is a repair shop episode I want to see.

This is like, until the baby is an adult, he will only be able to handle small necklaces, jewellery, that kind of thing. That's right, that's right. But who knows? With enough training, pianos, cars... Microchips. Well, you could probably do microchips now.

Very intricate, of course, but size-wise appropriate. Yeah, they just will take longer for him to digest with his fixing stomach. That's right, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of soldering to do in there. Magically reviving a grape with your own arse is... It's the sort of thing that, in days gone by, would have had a procession of women wearing shawls queuing up to weep at it.

That's right. Yeah, this baby could start a cult easily. People would come to visit the bum grape from miles around and they would whip themselves while walking towards it down country lanes. I can very much see myself watching a netflix documentary about with grainy footage of people lining up to bow at a baby yeah before the before and going it was unbelievable uh what he achieved and then he goes to like the credits the title credits

the credits the title credits close ups of a grape the title would be risen raisin or it would be like it would come up as raisin and then the A would fade out and it would be risen very good yes yes fade out and it would be risen very good yes yes yes

yeah very good and there'd be an interview with like you know some some kind of like incredibly respected sort of civil rights figure and poet who'd just be like in a way it didn't matter if it was real or not. What mattered was the story. The story. What the baby was offering people, it wasn't money. It wasn't success or fame. It was a second chance.

It was redemption. And of course all the grapes they could eat. Yeah, and fresh fruit. Which is good. Yeah, and then I've got a black and white picture of the... They called him Bogbom. People would line up to see Bogbom. Yeah, an interview with the parents.

When he was born, he wasn't... He certainly wasn't shitting out fresh fruit. But we knew that he wasn't a normal baby we found a poo that was perfectly spherical and perfectly black and that moment we knew

this is no ordinary baby this is no ordinary bum there's a slow zoom on a black and white picture of the pope kissing the grape or something. Yeah. And that's when things just kind of went crazy and the cover of Time magazine is the baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the Spice Girls are holding the grape. There's a slightly blurred picture of Kanye West trying to steal the grape Jack says have a crappy poo rear and let's hope for a good 20 plenty bum yes I want to see the crappy poo rear of 2020

that's what I want to see I want to see the crappy poo rear of 2020. That's what I want to see. Yes, exactly. Yes, exactly. Oh, my God. Thank you, Jack. It's a great update.

Thank you for the update, Jack. And enjoy the grape, of course. Enjoy the grape. And enjoy the grape. You've earned it. For God enjoy the grape you've earned it for god's sake you've earned it um i will also um any anyone listening who can be bothered if you could photoshop the risen raisin intro that would be great that would be a great um that's a great opportunity to but then again i have photoshopped these. Maybe I'll start doing little pictures.

Who knows? Who knows how bored I'll get. These days, Pierre has Photoshop. These days, he's finally gone and got it. What a fantastic email to kick off the new year with. Thank you, Jack. That was a... It was a real...

Platonic ideal of a BudPod email. It was Pooh-based, of course. There was a biblical element in Lazarus. Yep, yep. We ended up with another great TV show idea. Yes! It's a classic Budpod correspondence. If we were Americans, we would just be being brought Diet Cokes by a PA in a boardroom constantly.

Yeah, we'd be chained up like the only fertile man in the village to a post. And they would come to us and poke us with a stick and feed us a bit of bread and water. And they'd say, what have you got? Yeah. the stick and feed us a bit of bread and water and they say what what have you got yeah here we go they'd say it's a documentary about a baby that turns raisins into grapes please meat and they go thank you and they walk away yeah and then they'd sometimes they'd bring us the raw materials they go we found an old man who um he's only got one eye but it's like uh it's perfect it's amazing and he does these tiny sculptures with and then we're just trying to pitch off the back of the various like like unusual stuff they've just found yes yes yes

yeah then we try and give notes as well. Does he have to be old? I'm thinking a two-part miniseries. What's the B story here? Do we have the rights to the music? Oh, fucking hell. Well, crappy Poosmere one and all. Crappy Poosmere, everybody. Thanks for sticking with us.

There'll be more correspondence, more good times. And, I mean, what else are you going to do? Fundamentally, what else are you going to do but listen to us piss on, piss about, and fart on about piss and farts? That's right. Stay safe, guys.

Don't get the rona. Thanks very much. Bye-bye. Bye.